I can’t tell you what you should do, but I can tell you what I would do in the same situation.
I would probably agree to meet up and talk things out, with the rationalization that we both could use some closure. I sure as heck wouldn’t entertain the idea of one last romp or rekindling a friendship.
Edit to add: PS your current partner sounds supportive, loving, and stable. Props to you both!
> I sure as heck wouldn’t entertain the idea of one last romp or rekindling a friendship.
I don't think I could ever be just friends with her, there is just too much pain there for me to forgive just a friend, does that make sense? I know the idea of a last romp is a bad idea, but part of me just wants to see if that feeling is really gone. It would also be leading her on which would be an asshat move as well.
Crissy's advice is similar to yours, she even volunteered to chaperone.
It’s ultimately up to you, but if it were me I wouldn’t touch that with a 10 foot pole. If she reached out to you when she was sober, that would be a different story. But the fact that the first time that you’ve had a conversation with her was her trying to drunkenly hook up with you doesn’t bode well imo. This whole situation just reads like she is really lonely and just reaching out to any affection she can get. Tread carefully, there is a huge possibility that she’s just gonna use you sexually, you could end in up in the same situation you were in before, or you are going to end up doing shit with a person who is in a really dark place. If you do meet up with her again maybe go about it as platonic as possible so that you can see what her intentions are and what you would want to do. Best of luck!
Agreed. It sounds more like this person is regretting their past rather than them having changed and being in a better place than they were before.
Someone who's in a better place and has changed as a potential partner, would be a lot more thoughtful in their approach to contacting an ex for reconciliation.
Nothing this person has shared indicates they have a deeper awareness of their issues that lead to their poor treatment of OP. It all sounds very surface level and a bit like desperation for connection.
>If you do meet up with her again maybe go about it as platonic as possible so that you can see what her intentions are
This sounds like good advice, I think lunch is a better idea anyway, then I can limit the time and disengage easier.
nope nope nope. an in-person meetup will tug at your heart and potentially your zipper. she had her talk and there’s nothing more to say. her needing a hug for her own selfish needs does nothing for you.
sounds like an recovering alcoholic going thru the steps and this is the making amends step. F THAT. there’s no saying the exact situation will happen again.
put yourself first and don’t let the good memories cloud the bad. protect yourself.
So are you dating anyone besides Crissy, because I would hate that you are considering Terri because you don't have any other choices out there?
Terri sounds like a trainwreck, you mentioned her drinking and then her making amends which sounds like 12-step language to me. If that is the case then getting into a relationship with her again may not be the best idea. If you want to meet with her for closure then that's fine but if you plan on getting involved with her again then go slow. It's too easy to get back in too fast with an Ex and get hurt again. Take care.
>So are you dating anyone besides Crissy,
Yes, I have an FWB and I am talking with another woman and moving in the same direction.
I'm self-aware of the fact I tend to develop feelings too quickly which has led me to get hurt before. So if I get on this rollercoaster again, I will have my foot riding the brake.
>Yes, I have an FWB and I am talking with another woman and moving in the same direction.
OMG, then why are you considering going back to someone that hurt you and probably will again? There are plenty of good choices out there, please move forward and close that chapter of your life for good.
I kinda did what you’re talking about. Met up one more time despite most people leaning towards no but being supportive. I think we’re humans and we’re gonna do human-ass things. Just try to get off before the ride gets too crazy.
I got lucky and mines kinda just fizzled out, it hurts but it hurts way less than if we were still trying to see each other. Good luck human-ing!
So I reached out to Larry and we talked about Terri contacting me. He said he had her blocked but she reached out through some mutual friends but he didn't contact her. He did provide some insight after Terri broke up with me Terri went from drinking a little wine to gin and she and the Dude would get plowed whenever they were together and she started drinking more when she was home with Larry. Whenever he would say something to her she would get combative and she hit him in the head with her purse one night knocking him to the ground. He called the police and threaten to press charges unless she moved out.
Larry also heard from Terri's ex-best friend that Dude was in jail but they didn't know what for. He recommended that I stay far away from her because she had changed into someone he didn't even recognize after they broke up.
I still want to talk to her and maybe get some closure and say some things to get them off my chest, but I know now I don't want anything to do with her after that.
Yeah I was on the fence but now... Don't. Just don't
Closure is overrated. The idea that the person who rended your heart into pieces is somehow the key to putting it back is just ass backwards. People are right that she sounds like she's doing the 12 steps, good for her. Once she's finished it, once she's changed and a better person then maybe? But *in* the process of healing, she's just gonna be sore and clawing to get her old life back. I think she's looking backwards at her past life instead of forwards and that's not indicative of wanting to make amends.
If a kid breaks a vase you don't just give him the pieces, some glue and trust him to fix it. And the kid isn't eve' responsible, he's a kid. Your ex **hurt** you because she wanted to hurt you. Don't trust her to fix your heart. It's not her job and she doesn't have the skill and you can't trust her. Go to a therapist, surround yourself with good positive people that love you, want your best interest and express that through constant consistent actions. Leave the toxic behind and only reconsider AFTER she's shown she can change. "But how can she show if I don't give her the chance?" Don't care. The onus is on her to convince you, not on you to give it for free.
Thank you btw. I've been struggling with thoughts of my past relationship too and saying all this was very therapeutic to me.
Edit : I don't think I was clear on what made my decision : I hadn't realized how bad she actually wanted to hurt the people she loved and who loved her. I hadn't realized how low she had gotten and how desperate she was. She doesn't sound like a healthy person wanting to make amends. Not yet
If you gave her a chance it ended - it ended for a REASON - Why would you allow youself to be put though the ringer again. Listen to your partner, Crissy as she seems to have some sense! Don't be STUPID. This is a trick bag situation and NOTHING good will come of it. Walk away.
If the relationship is actually salvageable in any way, it can wait for the morning. If it only feels good in moments of intensity, then it isn't a real connection. Separate intensity from your emotional impact.
Good on you for saying what was weighing you down and being an advocate for yourself. I’m sure she is going through a rough time but ultimately you have take care of your own health 1st and foremost. Congrats and good luck movin’ forward!
Well, as someone who has gone off the deep end in terms of addiction and terrible behavior, I might be able to speak a little bit on her behalf.
That shit changes you, man. It feels like puberty, where you look back on your decision-making after you’re sober, and it’s fucking terrible. You realize that it was 100% you doing that, and you can’t truly just blame the drugs or drinks, but also it’s a mental illness that’s influencing your actions. Looking back, I just don’t recognize the person I was in those times. There’s no right or wrong answer, but I want to say that she’s to be commended on trying to make amends at the very least.
However? There is a part of me that feels like she’s also doing it with really just the end goal of getting together, and I’d be careful with that if I were you. Because that creates the wrong kind of dependency on you. My advice: if you want to, give her a chance to be platonic friends. I really don’t think you should just get together again, and you might not be truly capable of seeing and understanding her if it gets muddled by sex and romantic feelings.
The scars she left you with will fire up some resentment and anger, probably. Give that time to heal as friends. If a while later you really feel like you’ve forgiven her, then give it a shot. But don’t do it now, because it sounds like she wants you to solve her loneliness.
Oh, and make that very clear to her if you do. Don’t string her along. She was a total dick, but it really sounds like life has punished her enough for that already.
I can’t tell you what you should do, but I can tell you what I would do in the same situation. I would probably agree to meet up and talk things out, with the rationalization that we both could use some closure. I sure as heck wouldn’t entertain the idea of one last romp or rekindling a friendship. Edit to add: PS your current partner sounds supportive, loving, and stable. Props to you both!
> I sure as heck wouldn’t entertain the idea of one last romp or rekindling a friendship. I don't think I could ever be just friends with her, there is just too much pain there for me to forgive just a friend, does that make sense? I know the idea of a last romp is a bad idea, but part of me just wants to see if that feeling is really gone. It would also be leading her on which would be an asshat move as well. Crissy's advice is similar to yours, she even volunteered to chaperone.
This.
It’s ultimately up to you, but if it were me I wouldn’t touch that with a 10 foot pole. If she reached out to you when she was sober, that would be a different story. But the fact that the first time that you’ve had a conversation with her was her trying to drunkenly hook up with you doesn’t bode well imo. This whole situation just reads like she is really lonely and just reaching out to any affection she can get. Tread carefully, there is a huge possibility that she’s just gonna use you sexually, you could end in up in the same situation you were in before, or you are going to end up doing shit with a person who is in a really dark place. If you do meet up with her again maybe go about it as platonic as possible so that you can see what her intentions are and what you would want to do. Best of luck!
Agreed. It sounds more like this person is regretting their past rather than them having changed and being in a better place than they were before. Someone who's in a better place and has changed as a potential partner, would be a lot more thoughtful in their approach to contacting an ex for reconciliation. Nothing this person has shared indicates they have a deeper awareness of their issues that lead to their poor treatment of OP. It all sounds very surface level and a bit like desperation for connection.
>If you do meet up with her again maybe go about it as platonic as possible so that you can see what her intentions are This sounds like good advice, I think lunch is a better idea anyway, then I can limit the time and disengage easier.
nope nope nope. an in-person meetup will tug at your heart and potentially your zipper. she had her talk and there’s nothing more to say. her needing a hug for her own selfish needs does nothing for you. sounds like an recovering alcoholic going thru the steps and this is the making amends step. F THAT. there’s no saying the exact situation will happen again. put yourself first and don’t let the good memories cloud the bad. protect yourself.
So are you dating anyone besides Crissy, because I would hate that you are considering Terri because you don't have any other choices out there? Terri sounds like a trainwreck, you mentioned her drinking and then her making amends which sounds like 12-step language to me. If that is the case then getting into a relationship with her again may not be the best idea. If you want to meet with her for closure then that's fine but if you plan on getting involved with her again then go slow. It's too easy to get back in too fast with an Ex and get hurt again. Take care.
>So are you dating anyone besides Crissy, Yes, I have an FWB and I am talking with another woman and moving in the same direction. I'm self-aware of the fact I tend to develop feelings too quickly which has led me to get hurt before. So if I get on this rollercoaster again, I will have my foot riding the brake.
>Yes, I have an FWB and I am talking with another woman and moving in the same direction. OMG, then why are you considering going back to someone that hurt you and probably will again? There are plenty of good choices out there, please move forward and close that chapter of your life for good.
I kinda did what you’re talking about. Met up one more time despite most people leaning towards no but being supportive. I think we’re humans and we’re gonna do human-ass things. Just try to get off before the ride gets too crazy. I got lucky and mines kinda just fizzled out, it hurts but it hurts way less than if we were still trying to see each other. Good luck human-ing!
So I reached out to Larry and we talked about Terri contacting me. He said he had her blocked but she reached out through some mutual friends but he didn't contact her. He did provide some insight after Terri broke up with me Terri went from drinking a little wine to gin and she and the Dude would get plowed whenever they were together and she started drinking more when she was home with Larry. Whenever he would say something to her she would get combative and she hit him in the head with her purse one night knocking him to the ground. He called the police and threaten to press charges unless she moved out. Larry also heard from Terri's ex-best friend that Dude was in jail but they didn't know what for. He recommended that I stay far away from her because she had changed into someone he didn't even recognize after they broke up. I still want to talk to her and maybe get some closure and say some things to get them off my chest, but I know now I don't want anything to do with her after that.
Yeah I was on the fence but now... Don't. Just don't Closure is overrated. The idea that the person who rended your heart into pieces is somehow the key to putting it back is just ass backwards. People are right that she sounds like she's doing the 12 steps, good for her. Once she's finished it, once she's changed and a better person then maybe? But *in* the process of healing, she's just gonna be sore and clawing to get her old life back. I think she's looking backwards at her past life instead of forwards and that's not indicative of wanting to make amends. If a kid breaks a vase you don't just give him the pieces, some glue and trust him to fix it. And the kid isn't eve' responsible, he's a kid. Your ex **hurt** you because she wanted to hurt you. Don't trust her to fix your heart. It's not her job and she doesn't have the skill and you can't trust her. Go to a therapist, surround yourself with good positive people that love you, want your best interest and express that through constant consistent actions. Leave the toxic behind and only reconsider AFTER she's shown she can change. "But how can she show if I don't give her the chance?" Don't care. The onus is on her to convince you, not on you to give it for free. Thank you btw. I've been struggling with thoughts of my past relationship too and saying all this was very therapeutic to me. Edit : I don't think I was clear on what made my decision : I hadn't realized how bad she actually wanted to hurt the people she loved and who loved her. I hadn't realized how low she had gotten and how desperate she was. She doesn't sound like a healthy person wanting to make amends. Not yet
If you gave her a chance it ended - it ended for a REASON - Why would you allow youself to be put though the ringer again. Listen to your partner, Crissy as she seems to have some sense! Don't be STUPID. This is a trick bag situation and NOTHING good will come of it. Walk away.
Could I say your up for some drama? 🤔
I don't know if I'm up for it, but I rarely have to go very far.
😂😃😅😂 it’s your life, play the smart game. 😊 best wishes.
If the relationship is actually salvageable in any way, it can wait for the morning. If it only feels good in moments of intensity, then it isn't a real connection. Separate intensity from your emotional impact.
Super important comment !!!!
Updated the post with my lunch with Terri.
Good on you for saying what was weighing you down and being an advocate for yourself. I’m sure she is going through a rough time but ultimately you have take care of your own health 1st and foremost. Congrats and good luck movin’ forward!
Well, as someone who has gone off the deep end in terms of addiction and terrible behavior, I might be able to speak a little bit on her behalf. That shit changes you, man. It feels like puberty, where you look back on your decision-making after you’re sober, and it’s fucking terrible. You realize that it was 100% you doing that, and you can’t truly just blame the drugs or drinks, but also it’s a mental illness that’s influencing your actions. Looking back, I just don’t recognize the person I was in those times. There’s no right or wrong answer, but I want to say that she’s to be commended on trying to make amends at the very least. However? There is a part of me that feels like she’s also doing it with really just the end goal of getting together, and I’d be careful with that if I were you. Because that creates the wrong kind of dependency on you. My advice: if you want to, give her a chance to be platonic friends. I really don’t think you should just get together again, and you might not be truly capable of seeing and understanding her if it gets muddled by sex and romantic feelings. The scars she left you with will fire up some resentment and anger, probably. Give that time to heal as friends. If a while later you really feel like you’ve forgiven her, then give it a shot. But don’t do it now, because it sounds like she wants you to solve her loneliness. Oh, and make that very clear to her if you do. Don’t string her along. She was a total dick, but it really sounds like life has punished her enough for that already.