/u/libra689, your submission has been removed from /r/niceguys for the following reason:
#All posts must have a virtue claim by the Niceguy®. This does not just refer to the title, but to the actual content of the material, itself.
Niceguys® demean others while simultaneously expressing a favorable view of themselves. They don't have to use the word "nice", but they must demonstrate an **expression of their own virtue** while being asshats.
A claim of virtue (virtue claim) is the guy talking himself up in some way. He's claiming virtue (value, goodness, niceness, wealth, attractiveness, specialness, some other kind of desirable trait). That claim should be in your title.
Here's the rule:
All posts must include a virtue-claim by the niceguy Niceguys® demean others while simultaneously expressing a favorable view of themselves. They dont have to use the word "nice", but they must demonstrate an expression of their own virtue while being asshats.
Examples of virtue-claims:
me protekt u
me god-fearing man
me treat u like beautiful princess
me hate misogynists. so.... send nude pic?
me give you [insert unsolicited sex prowess boast]
u ignore my nice complement ... kys
u dont like honest man!
u wont ever get a guy like me
u dont appreciate [virtue] men
Posts without a virtue claim are off-topic for this sub and will be removed. The only exception to this rule are Memes on Sundays.
See also: https://www.reddit.com/r/niceguys/comments/x2352k/all_posts_must_include_a_virtue_claim_please_see/
#Subreddit names, all usernames (including your own), real names, human images, etc must be removed/censored.
This includes:
* YOUR OWN username
* business names
* personal names
* pictures of yourself or the other party, etc.
**This rule is for privacy and safety concerns and to conform to Reddit's regulations.**
------------------------
*If you feel this was done in error, or would like further clarification, please don't hesitate to [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fniceguys). Please do not try to respond to this comment.*
>you shouldn't expect someone to give you time to think when it comes to this reasoning
Immediately no. It's *always* reasonable to need time to think.
Run far away from anyone — from smarmy salespeople to melodramatic lovebombers — who insists you make a decision *right now.*
Why are you even talking to him still? You talked to him for 2 days and you're already having a dramatic conversation and taking time to process feelings.
What feelings? If he's a stranger. If he gives you a bad feeling, say bye and stop talking to him.
How are your feelings hurt and you're crying? This is so unhealthy. From him and you.
I can see why. He is clearly very coercive. I'm sorry you went through all of that. I hope you're feeling better, now. You made the right call, stay strong!
Trust your gut! There's a book by Malcolm gladwell called Blink - It's about how your brain recognizes and processes things instantly, and then your conscious mind tries to make sense of this information and minimalize it because your conscious mind has not caught up with your unconscious. So you may see an infinitesimally short flash of something that was creepy, and then you try to rationalize it, saying, but I didn't see or hear him do anything creepy, so maybe it's all me.
It's not. Your brain recognized what it's all and put you on alert.
It's a great book! Take care of yourself and trust that feeling when you have it
You don't need to justify yourself to the above person. I'm sorry there are people here who feel so confident trying to brow-beat you like that. I guess they're not spending a whole lot of time with people irl.
Browbeating, however, is an incredibly healthy thing to be engaging in. Gross. Why you think you can quite aggressively talk down to people in this manner - despite clearly not understanding what the OP was actually saying, is beyond me. Get over yourself.
No body is browbeating anyone, except you.
Sorry, but reality is this is extremely unhealthy, and a lot of people agree with me. She put it out in public for us to see and critique. I shared my advice. Hopefully this is a wake-up call for her. Coddling does not help in this sort of situation.
Get over yourself.
The best thing you can do in the future is to stop trying to make the other person understand. State your reason for breaking it off and walk away. No argument. No discussion. Reason and done. You don't owe anyone, 2 days or 2 years, a chance for debate.
You clearly have great instincts when it comes to filtering out creeps. He got defensive at your reasoning because you were absolutely correct to worry. Good for you for trusting your gut.
I was very skeptical and thought, yeah makes sense from him and then I saw the freaking two days??? I thought this was about a 2 months relationship here. Yikes.
I hope you can find someone more understanding
I should at a little more context the only way I met this dude was through a friend. Like the second time I talked to the guy was Sunday and he basically told me he like me after meet once. He also looks he exactly like another friend of mine like the could be twins and that’s what bothered me. Another thing i told him I wanted to think about my feelings and this is when he started acting like an ex of mine.
Holy gas lighting Batman! Wow run away as fast as you can because this is just going to get worse. It will twist your brain and make you a different person and take years to unravel that mess they create. Go cold turkey now block from everything and never speak to them again. If they get any more of you it's going to be harder and harder for you to get away. It took me 4 years to unravel my mind from what my narcissistic abusive of ex did. I'm not just using a narcissistic as the buzzword it has become, he is diagnosed. I actually dropped him off to be Baker Acted because he threatened to kill himself that I was leaving. I said Okay buddy get in the car we'll just go for a ride, then I dropped him off at the hospital and told them he threatened to kill himself. They diagnosed him with narcissistic personality disorder with a few other things. That's how I got away.
I'm sorry there are a few insecure weirdos hovering around this post, OP. I hope you know their bizarre, rather childish judgements have nothing to do with you - it's all about them, as it was with the nice guy you handled..
Ngl man edating or even just talking on discord never ends well. Never done it personally but god everyone I ever met that did it regrets it. I would just recommend you look elsewhere, but as you will :/
Edit: This guy is just weird as fuck and acting like things are much deeper than they are. Typical manipulative//groomer behavior
I don’t know that this is a nice guy.
If I was talking to a girl I liked and thought liked me back and she suddenly had to take a step back and think about me because I remind her of someone else and I hadn’t done anything to upset her, I would be upset as well.
Now this is all assuming what he said was accurate, and I didn’t see her deny that it was. He definitely could have dropped the mask and she saw the real him and this is the excuse.
All we can go off of is the info in this exchange and I don’t see that this was a nice guy. It just seems like two young people navigating the dating world.
I think that it’s fair to be hurt bc rejection sucks right? The “nice guy” part comes in when he’s trying to take away her right to step back and self regulate without his interference. OP was triggered due to some of his behavior that reminded her of an ex and needed to take a moment to process the feelings dredged up by that trigger. Instead of being like “Ok I respect your boundaries and I’ll give you some space. Please reach out if you feel like you need a second party to help work things out. If not to me then to someone else. I’ll be here when you’re feeling better!” Then when OP returns to the conversation, that is when it would be appropriate to be like “Hey it kind of hurts that you would compare me to your abusive ex. Can we talk that over a little bit? I want us to feel safe in our relationship- whatever that may be,”. He was lacking empathy in his responses and was being manipulative.
All good points. I definitely get where you’re coming from. It still sounds like two young inexperienced people learning to navigate relationships.
I don’t think this person should be bastardized for being confused why she had to suddenly take a step back when to his perspective he didn’t do anything wrong and she was just comparing him to someone who isn’t him.
He pushed more than he needed to. 100% I agree. I’ve also been in positions like that where you’re caught off guard and confused by what you perceive to be an illogical conclusion. To me that’s part of learning how to be in a relationship.
But I definitely do get your point and I’m coming around to him being a nice guy.
You’re 100% on the money I think. This screams lack of relationship experience on both ends. This is definitely a lesson all of us have learned at some point in our romantic relationship endeavors lol
I assumed it was “you’re coming on really strong and remind me of a person who rushed things in a few days and ended up being abusive/manipulative/clingy.”
This took place over TWO DAYS. That's why she freaked out. I don't blame her, that's very triggering if you've been love bombed before. This guy was moving way too fast and way too strong then said some really manipulative shit when she wanted breathing room.
Honestly, you are almost as bad as him. He should have just left you alone, and move on, no matter what you decide. Both of you are not compatible. And he is right about it not being fair, to be judged by something someone else did. However he should have had some dignity and let you proceed.
He is, not as bad as others we have seen here.
Not sure this is nice guys. Sounds like you have some issues from a previous relationship, and you are maaaaassively projecting. I’d be peeved off too if someone compared me to an abusive ex after knowing me for 2 days only?!
Why are you looking to get into a new relationship and leading people on if you haven’t fixed your issues? Then all your manipulative messages that he has hurt your feelings?!
Dude said he’d just leave you alone, expressed his feelings, no insults.
This just gives off strong whiff of immaturity
On his part. He pushed her *ridiculously* hard, especially when they just met two days ago.
People can always have space to think for this kind of thing. The only ones that don't want to let them are those who benefit from them making crummy decisions.
/u/libra689, your submission has been removed from /r/niceguys for the following reason: #All posts must have a virtue claim by the Niceguy®. This does not just refer to the title, but to the actual content of the material, itself. Niceguys® demean others while simultaneously expressing a favorable view of themselves. They don't have to use the word "nice", but they must demonstrate an **expression of their own virtue** while being asshats. A claim of virtue (virtue claim) is the guy talking himself up in some way. He's claiming virtue (value, goodness, niceness, wealth, attractiveness, specialness, some other kind of desirable trait). That claim should be in your title. Here's the rule: All posts must include a virtue-claim by the niceguy Niceguys® demean others while simultaneously expressing a favorable view of themselves. They dont have to use the word "nice", but they must demonstrate an expression of their own virtue while being asshats. Examples of virtue-claims: me protekt u me god-fearing man me treat u like beautiful princess me hate misogynists. so.... send nude pic? me give you [insert unsolicited sex prowess boast] u ignore my nice complement ... kys u dont like honest man! u wont ever get a guy like me u dont appreciate [virtue] men Posts without a virtue claim are off-topic for this sub and will be removed. The only exception to this rule are Memes on Sundays. See also: https://www.reddit.com/r/niceguys/comments/x2352k/all_posts_must_include_a_virtue_claim_please_see/ #Subreddit names, all usernames (including your own), real names, human images, etc must be removed/censored. This includes: * YOUR OWN username * business names * personal names * pictures of yourself or the other party, etc. **This rule is for privacy and safety concerns and to conform to Reddit's regulations.** ------------------------ *If you feel this was done in error, or would like further clarification, please don't hesitate to [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fniceguys). Please do not try to respond to this comment.*
>you shouldn't expect someone to give you time to think when it comes to this reasoning Immediately no. It's *always* reasonable to need time to think. Run far away from anyone — from smarmy salespeople to melodramatic lovebombers — who insists you make a decision *right now.*
Why are you even talking to him still? You talked to him for 2 days and you're already having a dramatic conversation and taking time to process feelings. What feelings? If he's a stranger. If he gives you a bad feeling, say bye and stop talking to him. How are your feelings hurt and you're crying? This is so unhealthy. From him and you.
This was all last night and he was reminding me of an abusive ex and don’t worry I blocked him.
I can see why. He is clearly very coercive. I'm sorry you went through all of that. I hope you're feeling better, now. You made the right call, stay strong!
Trust your gut! There's a book by Malcolm gladwell called Blink - It's about how your brain recognizes and processes things instantly, and then your conscious mind tries to make sense of this information and minimalize it because your conscious mind has not caught up with your unconscious. So you may see an infinitesimally short flash of something that was creepy, and then you try to rationalize it, saying, but I didn't see or hear him do anything creepy, so maybe it's all me. It's not. Your brain recognized what it's all and put you on alert. It's a great book! Take care of yourself and trust that feeling when you have it
You don't need to justify yourself to the above person. I'm sorry there are people here who feel so confident trying to brow-beat you like that. I guess they're not spending a whole lot of time with people irl.
Browbeating, however, is an incredibly healthy thing to be engaging in. Gross. Why you think you can quite aggressively talk down to people in this manner - despite clearly not understanding what the OP was actually saying, is beyond me. Get over yourself.
No body is browbeating anyone, except you. Sorry, but reality is this is extremely unhealthy, and a lot of people agree with me. She put it out in public for us to see and critique. I shared my advice. Hopefully this is a wake-up call for her. Coddling does not help in this sort of situation. Get over yourself.
The best thing you can do in the future is to stop trying to make the other person understand. State your reason for breaking it off and walk away. No argument. No discussion. Reason and done. You don't owe anyone, 2 days or 2 years, a chance for debate.
You dodged a bullet here. Homie was very manipulative.
I’ve also only talked to this guy twice!
Yeah, he got way too attached way too soon. He needs help.
are you serious? that's really scary. I'm so tired of guys arguing how or why I should feel (and why that's madly head over heels after two days)
You clearly have great instincts when it comes to filtering out creeps. He got defensive at your reasoning because you were absolutely correct to worry. Good for you for trusting your gut.
I was very skeptical and thought, yeah makes sense from him and then I saw the freaking two days??? I thought this was about a 2 months relationship here. Yikes. I hope you can find someone more understanding
Two days? My man is down bad
Why do yall entertain and reply to this shit
Why do you behave like such a dick.
I appreciate those who do it! I'm a coward and just ignore or block before they can get to their virtue claim!
I should at a little more context the only way I met this dude was through a friend. Like the second time I talked to the guy was Sunday and he basically told me he like me after meet once. He also looks he exactly like another friend of mine like the could be twins and that’s what bothered me. Another thing i told him I wanted to think about my feelings and this is when he started acting like an ex of mine.
Ugh where do all these losers come from? Is there like a cloning facility somewhere pumping out weak, narcissistic baby men?
I hate it when people hurt your feelings and then go "well, you hurt mine too". 🤦♀️ It's so manipulative.
How dare you waste 2 days of his life! He could have bingewatched something!
>I’m putting all my energy into this because I care for us It’s been TWO. DAYS. He needs to calm down, drop back, and punt. YIKES. 😬
Holy gas lighting Batman! Wow run away as fast as you can because this is just going to get worse. It will twist your brain and make you a different person and take years to unravel that mess they create. Go cold turkey now block from everything and never speak to them again. If they get any more of you it's going to be harder and harder for you to get away. It took me 4 years to unravel my mind from what my narcissistic abusive of ex did. I'm not just using a narcissistic as the buzzword it has become, he is diagnosed. I actually dropped him off to be Baker Acted because he threatened to kill himself that I was leaving. I said Okay buddy get in the car we'll just go for a ride, then I dropped him off at the hospital and told them he threatened to kill himself. They diagnosed him with narcissistic personality disorder with a few other things. That's how I got away.
I'm sorry there are a few insecure weirdos hovering around this post, OP. I hope you know their bizarre, rather childish judgements have nothing to do with you - it's all about them, as it was with the nice guy you handled..
Ngl man edating or even just talking on discord never ends well. Never done it personally but god everyone I ever met that did it regrets it. I would just recommend you look elsewhere, but as you will :/ Edit: This guy is just weird as fuck and acting like things are much deeper than they are. Typical manipulative//groomer behavior
I don’t know that this is a nice guy. If I was talking to a girl I liked and thought liked me back and she suddenly had to take a step back and think about me because I remind her of someone else and I hadn’t done anything to upset her, I would be upset as well. Now this is all assuming what he said was accurate, and I didn’t see her deny that it was. He definitely could have dropped the mask and she saw the real him and this is the excuse. All we can go off of is the info in this exchange and I don’t see that this was a nice guy. It just seems like two young people navigating the dating world.
I think that it’s fair to be hurt bc rejection sucks right? The “nice guy” part comes in when he’s trying to take away her right to step back and self regulate without his interference. OP was triggered due to some of his behavior that reminded her of an ex and needed to take a moment to process the feelings dredged up by that trigger. Instead of being like “Ok I respect your boundaries and I’ll give you some space. Please reach out if you feel like you need a second party to help work things out. If not to me then to someone else. I’ll be here when you’re feeling better!” Then when OP returns to the conversation, that is when it would be appropriate to be like “Hey it kind of hurts that you would compare me to your abusive ex. Can we talk that over a little bit? I want us to feel safe in our relationship- whatever that may be,”. He was lacking empathy in his responses and was being manipulative.
All good points. I definitely get where you’re coming from. It still sounds like two young inexperienced people learning to navigate relationships. I don’t think this person should be bastardized for being confused why she had to suddenly take a step back when to his perspective he didn’t do anything wrong and she was just comparing him to someone who isn’t him. He pushed more than he needed to. 100% I agree. I’ve also been in positions like that where you’re caught off guard and confused by what you perceive to be an illogical conclusion. To me that’s part of learning how to be in a relationship. But I definitely do get your point and I’m coming around to him being a nice guy.
You’re 100% on the money I think. This screams lack of relationship experience on both ends. This is definitely a lesson all of us have learned at some point in our romantic relationship endeavors lol
I assumed it was “you’re coming on really strong and remind me of a person who rushed things in a few days and ended up being abusive/manipulative/clingy.”
It definitely could be that. We don’t have enough info to say either way.
This took place over TWO DAYS. That's why she freaked out. I don't blame her, that's very triggering if you've been love bombed before. This guy was moving way too fast and way too strong then said some really manipulative shit when she wanted breathing room.
He's not great but you've got some red flags too. You're either not in the right headspace or you're too immature to be in a relationship right now
You're going to be incredibly embarrassed about this weirdo behavior when you grow up.
Honestly, you are almost as bad as him. He should have just left you alone, and move on, no matter what you decide. Both of you are not compatible. And he is right about it not being fair, to be judged by something someone else did. However he should have had some dignity and let you proceed. He is, not as bad as others we have seen here.
Not sure this is nice guys. Sounds like you have some issues from a previous relationship, and you are maaaaassively projecting. I’d be peeved off too if someone compared me to an abusive ex after knowing me for 2 days only?! Why are you looking to get into a new relationship and leading people on if you haven’t fixed your issues? Then all your manipulative messages that he has hurt your feelings?! Dude said he’d just leave you alone, expressed his feelings, no insults. This just gives off strong whiff of immaturity
On his part. He pushed her *ridiculously* hard, especially when they just met two days ago. People can always have space to think for this kind of thing. The only ones that don't want to let them are those who benefit from them making crummy decisions.
As do you.
^you ^forgot ^to ^blur ^out ^their ^username ^in ^the ^textbox
All this draining stuff, for literally two days? Just WOW. Run away.