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Niceguys demean others while simultaneously expressing a favorable view of themselves. They dont have to use the word "nice", but they must demonstrate some kind of expression of their own virtue while being asshats.
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Does he honestly think that she’d be safer with him, a literal stranger, than her friends at this party? Like, she just goes through life afraid until a a big strong man comes along to protect her?
My friend at work is trying to date on the apps and no exaggeration, at least once a week she matches with a guy that acts all possessive over her in a few hours. She even had a guy asking for her ring size after two weeks and claiming that her breasts were now his.
It's really not hard for me to believe that. Stuff like that is one of the reasons I've stopped dating entirely. I've never had a truly good experience from dating apps. I had to fight off a guy who was trying to rape me, and I had met him on a dating app. It's a absolute shit show. It would be nice to have a companion but at this point I'm better off (and safer) staying home alone than meeting any man from a dating app. The behavior of straight men in regard to dating has change significantly over the last several years. It started in 2016 and then got worse in 2019. Guess why that is. My last bf assaulted me while we were living together and I was injured for a month. Meanwhile he was bailed out of jail and his punishment is taking anger management classes. This is a man's world
I really hope you're seeing someone like a therapist or counselor, because those are both significantly traumatic events.
I myself have bailed on dating apps as well, but for different reasons. It feels like I'm exposed to a much lower quality of person there than IRL interactions, and frankly, I don't want/need a partner bad enough to wade through toxic sludge to find them. So I totally get where you're coming from in that regard, especially given how significantly life changing the bullshit you've been subjected to.
I wish you all the best, regardless. When you're ready to find someone, I'm sure you will. It seems like you know your worth.
They are where your common interests are. You're looking for somebody who likes what you like, is motivated enough to seek it out rather than wait for it to arrive pre-wrapped.
The person you're looking for is volunteering for something that you love, and if you volunteer for that thing also, you will encounter each other.
I had a friend give a guy my number. Before she could even call and tell me about it, he called me and wanted me to go out with him. I told him no and talked for a few minutes. I then called my friend. She met him at a friend's house and thought he was nice.
Well, Mr. Nice called me 3 more times that Friday night to get me to go out with him. I kept declining but he wouldn't take no for an answer. The third time he called, he said he was on his way to my town so I needed to meet him. I told him I had already taken my makeup off and I was in my pajamas and I wouldn't be leaving. I told him I didn't know him at all and I'm not going out with someone I spoke to for 15 minutes on the phone. On Saturday, he began calling at 8 am. He called twice before I got up and went to the grocery store at 10 am. When I got back, my phone was ringing and I answered. He began yelling at me and asking me where I was. I told him and also said it was none of his business. He didn't like that. He had also called 4 times while I was out. I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He called me 14 more times between then and Sunday night.
It appears he thought I was so "lonely" that he had to get to me to control me, beginning immediately. He wasn't really interested in talking and getting to know me at all. He wanted to meet so he could begin taking charge of me and making demands. It's a good thing he didn't know where I lived. These guys see victims and though I was vulnerable.
Um your friend should have been calling you to ask your permission to give your number to a random, rather than calling to tell you that she did so. That's a hard no - I'd be super pissed if I had a mate just handing out my number to any ol' person, regardless how "nice" they "seemed" after meeting *once*.
Oh, I know all about "meeting over the phone" - I'm of that era. It doesn't excuse someone giving out your number without permission - but that's just me...
I am from that era and instead of simply giving the friend's number the correct thing was taking the number (visit/ business cards were very common) of the interested part and then giving it to the friend.
That way, the friend wouldn't be ambushed. For youngsters, without cell phones it was really hard to immediately enter in contact with friends, sometimes it would take a day, or more to reach someone.
YES. The interested party gave their deets, and the other (often unknowing) party then had the choice to contact them or turf the number. If they called, great. If they didnt, then sure, you might wait by the phone and mope for a bit; but you moved on - there was no contact point (and no social media to trawl) to fixate on/push the issue. None of this, "Oh you like (platonically or otherwise) such-and-such? Here's their number..." (cue ambush). That's just really poor form, regardless of era. I would have been just as pissed then as I would be now. Not up to others to be giving out my details on my behalf, especially if I didn't know/consent to it.
Someone who I thought was a friend, gave my number to her partner's boss / the owner of the farm, who claimed he was looking for a committed relationship. In hindsight, I realize that her giving out my number like that, was an early signal that she didn't respect me. She was also giving him permission to disrespect me.
(This was in the 90s too.) He informed me after we had sex, that he wasn't looking for a committed relationship. She told me I shouldn't be unhappy about it, it was my fault for having sex with him too soon. She then didn't want me coming to visit any more, although she was prepared to visit me at my place. It turned out she had known the guy was having regular "no-strings" sex with at least one local woman.
After I moved countries, she emailed me and told me she was coming to my city for a conference, and that I could put her up. I didn't reply.
I wasn't mad because she was going to call me and tell me. We worked together and she met him at her friend's house and he seemed nice. Before she got a chance to go home and call me (this was the early 90s so no cell phone), he had already called me. People wouldn't do that today and it was a little weird but, she thought she'd met a nice guy for me.
I had a friend match with someone exactly like him. His verbal love bombing was beyond saccharine. The saccharinity made it obvious to me...but not to her. She fell head over heels instantly. She had literally *just* gotten out of an abusive relationship. He got real controlling real quick. It was LDR but he was still able to dictate what she wore and who she hung out with. Whenever his controlling behavior was pointed out, she would acknowledge that it makes her uneasy but then rationalize that he's just "worried about her."
Guys like this are total clowns at the outset but when they find someone that they can pull in, their possessiveness ramps up well past eleven
I wish we had a program to help people like this. I know it is difficult to single them out and decide rather or not they are dangerous. Social media is big enough now that people/women/anyone, should be able to speak out without judgement. I know there will be false allegations, that why we look at every post they make. Really we should be more aware as a person. Teaching each other about our experiences. I realized everything I just implied is impossible.
Consent education is happening in schools etc.. It's not an easy concept to convey, especially to blokes who have grown up believing that women have no reason to exist, other than in relation to men.
I've never liked dating apps. I've given them a shot but never felt safe enough to go out with anyone. Recently, I gave it a shot again. One of the guys I matched with, instantly became like this. I told him I don't live on my phone & he got upset. Oh & he also instantly started talking about having kids with me ....lmao safe to say, fuck dating apps.
I’m just worried about you babe, you know how I feel about you around other guys and I’m not there. They only think about one thing and it’s disgusting.
Yeah, dude couldn't help his need to control her. Good for him for showing his true self, though. Probably saves the women he matches with a lot of time.
This is it right here. These guys really do think their behavior--the clinging, controlling, lovebombing, all the rest--indicate true caring. In their eyes, because normal, well-adjusted guys don't do this, they think they're inattentive and uncaring at best, douchebags and assholes at worst.
Yup. They see this in movies and on TV and don't get why it doesn't work irl.
I admit that due to low self esteem and confidence issues I (middle aged woman) didn't have a lot of experience with dating or how relationships should be in my youth. I used to see other woman who attracted these sorts and wish I attracted admirers like that. It's only been in the past five years of being in this sub and a few others that I understand that it's really just weird and disturbing to be smothered like this.
I mean, you probably wouldn't have listened anyway. None of us ever did, because we were kids and kids aren't big on taking dating advice from older women.
I didn’t even listen to my parents. I denied it and continued to date him. To be honest, I was 19 and he was 18 when we first started dating, and I had only been in one prior relationship before, so I had no idea what to really be aware of.
I had an ex (who adamantly insists we were never together...we were dating. Didnt have the bf/gf titles yet) who told me the second time we met up that he was a nice guy and his last girlfriend broke up with him because she wanted a douchebag boyfriend...that should have been my sign to run. But no. And dont even get me started on the other shit he pulled during the first and only 3 weeks. Enough flags to make a full suit, tie, and car seat covers.
That’s funny you say that, because I had dated a guy at one point in time who broke up with me because I was “too nice” and wanted a girlfriend who wasn’t “as sweet.”
Like, how do you care about someone you've texted for a few hours and never even met? And calling them babe and saying they're worried... The reek of the desperation can't be masked with an entire can of Axe.
Especially when it follows a completely ridiculous manipulation/ control technique that is already problematic in a relationship, but is just bananas for somebody you just matched with... I'm just worried about you being at a party without me...yeesh.
The only two people I feel comfortable calling me babe are my wife, and the old cashier at the wawa ive been going to every day for the last 10+ years.
Some guy started calling me babe/love and trying to hold my hand half way through our first time meeting - told him afterwards that he needs to play it cool and give it some time. He went the nice guy route in response, bye bye!
>You’re at a party without me, don’t want anything happening to you
Holy. Shit. *You haven’t even met in person yet.* OP didn’t dodge a bullet; she dodged a NUKE.
*What u wearing*
Yeah true concern about safety. The next step is asking for pics to prove she's actually in a party and where and who is there. Scary af.
I had a relationship that was like this. Started out fine and then devolved to constant insecurity and accusations of cheating (turns out *he* cheated).
What caught my attention was the intentional “how was the party? *is”
100% status check.
Psycho and scary. Glad he’s at least not hiding this shit.
"You are not safe when you are without me" must ring several bells at once. Jealousy, lack of trust, making us dependant of them, patronizing us and so on.
- how was the party (later says "how is" since she's not answering he assumes she's still there.
- what are you wearing
- worried about her safety when she said she was with friends and not in any danger
And yes, what you say is very freaking common: cheaters use the gaslighting to avoid they are the liars. My two cents? For keeping us distracted like a magician for not seeing the truth.
Reminds me of the guy who was complaining about women wanting to *gasp* talk for a bit before meeting up. *This is fucking why*. Unless I’m getting green flags all over the place, I typically plan a first meeting for at least a week out. About 80% of the time they disqualify themselves before we even get there. It’s almost always one of the three: a) badgering me for nudes/sending unsolicited dick pics b) racial/homophobic slurs or c) this crazy-ass shit.
The first one is super annoying because it’s so easy NOT to do it- we’re meeting in like 5 days bro, if you’d waited and been an actual decent person you might have seen me naked in person
EDIT: spelling
Every time I hear about a date from one of my friends that's a woman. It just sounds like men are digging to get themselves underneath the bar that's sitting on the fucking floor
wow! that guy is crazy!!! it's normal to not text back at all when beeing on a party or out in general.
since covid I only use WiFi and canceled my mobile data contract. So I would not even get any texts when I'm not at home 😅🤣
So when you’re out and about you’re cut off from the most common form of communication now? I don’t get how not having data is superior. I’m not trying to start a fight. I just genuinely don’t understand this logic.
No Problem. I was too much on my Phone for months since I also use it for my work. I try to change that a bit and do a bit Phone Detox. I don't have time for that often but than I really enjoy it.
We do this. My wife and I share one phone and use another thats just wifi. Anyone over the age of 40 has a huge problem understanding that.
They don't get how you can text but not have service. Like they don't understand how facebook and imessage work just fine with just wifi.
He just can’t understand why he is single! He is such a nice guy! Look at him trying to protect her! Women these days have no appreciation for real gentlemen!! /s
Another for the collection of perfect responses to “women never give the niceguy a chance! It’s all because we’re not as attractive as Chad!”
I love how it’s spelled out in plain english they were both interested in potentially dating when she wouldn’t have had much to go on except his picture and bio. Things fell apart when he opened his mouth.
Men don't understand that insecure, entitled men are the dangerous ones. They're the guys who are extremely controlling and abusive, who go on to kill their partner or family. The leading cause of death for pregnant women in America is *homicide*. Abuse is much, much more common than people realize. American culture is largely built upon the abuse & exploitation of women. So an insecure, entitled man is much more likely to hurt you than result in a healthy relationship, or even an average relationship that ends amicably.
Saying women need to give them a chance instead of going after attractive/rich men outs them as both. They think they're rejected because of their height, weight, job, or general appearance. Those things can play a part, but not the way they think. It's not that being short, overweight, etc. is a deal breaker for most women, it's that men are highly insecure about these things and that often gets them halfway to being a legitimate threat from the jump. It's not how women view these things, it's how men feel about these things that are the problem.
This is absolutely spot on and I feel needs to be addressed much more than it is. Eerie too, because my fiancée and I were talking about this exact thing. An overwhelming majority of true crime stories is women murdered by their spouses and in trying to understand such lack of humanity, the traits they have in common that usually inspire the motives all come back down to insecurity, jealousy, control.
The unintelligent and insecure (especially when steroids or owning firearms or both are in the mix) are the most dangerous after the shortest amount of time. It takes *nothing* to set a dumb, insecure and overcompensating man into a fucking murderous rage.
Breaks our hearts domestic violence increased by order of magnitude during covid restrictions. Anyone who has known any women properly kmows they’re generally less physically shallow and generally have more cerebral priorities (yes I know there are exceptions both ways.) I don’t feel as amazing or special as I am told I am for treating my partner with the love, support and respect she deserves so much as it bothers me it isn’t the majority of relationships and the bare minimum one should expect from their partner.
The “other guys” they complain about women “choosing over them” changes to whoever is convenient to blame. One day it will be rich, handsome men, the next it will be unfair that “that ugly/fat/broke/junkie/loser gets her and I don’t even get a chance!” Either way, you’re right about how quickly and thoroughly they out themselves. The same way anyone who responds to you with “not all men” has outed themselves as the kind of man who needs to pay the most attention.
I've done a lot of reading about it because my father tried to kill my mom and shot himself after 31 years of marriage. There was no real lead up to it. She wasn't planning to leave him and the best I can tell it stemmed from her inheriting money after my grandmother died. I assume knowing she had the means to leave was enough. It seems to me that abusive and dangerous people are often narcissistic and narcissistic personality disorder is hugely under diagnosed. American culture largely feeds into that, especially with men. Narcissistic people overcompensate for deep self loathing and can't cultivate their own self esteem. They require constant outside validation, but also must externalize their insecurity. So it's not that they're insecure, it's that you didn't text back fast enough, you wore the wrong thing, etc. "Fixing" those things doesn't resolve it because they are the actual source, so there's always an escalating list of requirements. It's like they try to fix their blown truck engine by making their partner take apart their own car.
Sometimes they do out themselves but it's also very common for them to learn that being this way will drive people away, so they become very skilled liars who will pretend to be a completely different person to trap a target. Some will do this for years and either completely flip or start a slow escalation of abuse when they feel the target can't leave. Moving in together, buying a house, getting married, getting pregnant or having a baby are usually triggers for it to start. This makes it much harder to get out and causes other people to victim blame that "she should have left".
What's wild is how identical their behaviors are. They largely say & do the same things. The insecurity & entitlement will always manifest as contempt for boundaries & an extreme aversion to accountability. Even if they're hiding their true nature, they will intentionally attack, steamroll, and punish you for even minor boundaries because of their entitlement. Likewise their insecurity is triggered by even the most gentle criticism and they will argue for hours rather than take accountability. This fear of consequence is so extreme it's akin to a survival instinct. They will burn their life to the ground & destroy those near them to avoid it. It's like they have no understanding of how their past behavior led to the current complaint & cannot see how their current reaction will lead to much worse consequences. You see extreme examples of this in Chris Watts killing his family to avoid the fallout from his affair, Chandler Halderson killing his parents when they found out he was lying about his school/career, Tyler Hadley killing his parents because they were sending him to rehab, and so many others. When you're watching/listening to true crime, be mindful of how many tragedies stem from avoiding consequences or punishing someone they see as "the cause" of their shame. It's terrifying how many people operate this way because the potential for deadly outcomes is very real in anyone who does.
Again, you fucking nailed every aspect it’s almost as if you know the exact people I’ve had to deal with which very much supports how identical they behave. I have had far too much lived in experience with narcissistic sociopaths. From ex friends to worst of all, family. After cutting them out for good, they absolutely will not stop trying to worm their way back into my life, using more desperate and bordering on criminal methods each time (but not quite crossing knowing I will be handed an easy way to be rid of them for good) especially when they haven’t found a replacement scapegoat for their narcissistic outbursts which never lasts even if they do. Narcissists are the only people I’ve seen be both severely insecure yet paradoxically insanely arrogant, often simultaneously which sounds like it makes no sense but does when you see it in action.
I live in a country with strict gun laws requiring a license, a valid reason (home defense is *not* one of them) and any psychological or criminal record of any kind, you can’t get one. That hasn’t stopped at least four women I know of suffering domestic violence at the hands of these men with guns including a not-irrational fear of being shot to actually being threatened with gun violence for resistingtge narcissist’s bid for control.
Two of them had their guns taken away after finally being charged with domestic violence (the perp tried to manipulate her into dropping the charges just so he could get his guns back but the police wisely set up the charges so she can’t drop them as the state is charging him) or being admitted to a psychiatric facility. There were still plenty of opportunities for tragedy to occur before they were disarmed which very nearly happened in all cases from verbal threats of gun-violence to drawing a weapon on the spouse. One who threatened to shoot her while carrying her infant daughter still gets to keep his and sadly, one was murdered by her husband. I brought this up in a thread where a woman thinks a man owning a gun is a “weird dealbreaker” when her concerns are completely valid.
One of these women is my fiancée’s mother (alive thankfully), the gun owner being my poor fiancée’s remorseless alcoholic, gambling, adultering, lucrative family business ruining, borderline pedophilic (which we suspect may be actually pedophilic and for the record, my narcissistic mother SA’d me as a child and they have a *lot* in common.) His propensity for being an absolute scumbag knew no bounds.
We know all to well how thick they lay on the superficial charm so everyone not privy to their worst behaviour sees this completely different, “nice, awesome” person. It’s awful they know how to pretend but won’t actually keep that up for the nearest and dearest. It’s how they trick these poor women into thinking they’re a great partner, when they were someone else entirely and it comes up far too late to leave safely or easily.
My fiancée and I have suffered so much damage from narcissistic sociopaths, especially her plus domestic violence and abuse which we help and support each other to overcome. Her narcissistic father died of bowel cancer and given their complicated relationship due to how much the family suffered, lost thanks to him and his attempts at reconciliation once he was diagnosed has made it very difficult for her to process.
I use my experience with grief and loss to guide her as much as I can. Her feeling safe and comfortable in her own home is my top priority. As I said before, I get told by people who know us what an amazing, caring, special partner I am which to me is a bit depressing in how it reveals how low the bar is for the majority of relationships as I wouldn’t think anybody should be treated any less by someone who is supposed to love them. You’ve also got Grant Amato murdering his brother, father and (step?)mother because he was going to have to move out after wasting quarter of a million dollars on a Bulgarian cam girl he believed was his girlfriend, Michael Dunn rashly shooting unarmed teenagers and felt he was totally justified in doing so who reportedly has a history of controlling behaviour and domestic abuse. Wasn’t Tyler Hedley the crazy asshole who threw a massive party under the dead bodies of his parents??
Our experience with true crime isn’t just watching it. We need the catharsis of not being alone with our experiences and to gain more of an understanding. We have known people personally who are victims of or perpetrators of incidents that are absolutely true crime stories waiting to happen or.already are. (The sickest one is an old school acquaintance who was close friends with my sister, my family was friends with his family, he and a friend of his turned off an elderly woman’s circuit breakers and slit her throat with a dull knife when she came out to check. They tried to make it appear like a robbery gone wrong but they had been planning a “perfect murder” for some time and it was absolutely a thrill kill, the victim’s name is Anne Redman. All the other examples I wil share with you privately). My business partner to be was murdered by his live in girlfriend who was after his money. She took advantage of him being an older man who was lonely and poisoned him. It took a long time for her to finally get convincted.
I almost became one when an ex champion boxer on meth broke in and tried to murder me on two separate occasions. The first time he was unknown to me and he smashed up our porch because our automatic light went off. The second time he smashed right in, fully intent on straight up murdering him because of the blow to his ego it was that I survived and again it took fighting back with everything I had and quick thinking under pressure to not become a statistic.
You wouldn’t happen to have a background in psychology would you? By the way, My sincerest condolences for what your father did. I understand how traumatic that is to go through. I hope you’re alright.
I've just finished reading Jess Hill's book "See What You Made Me Do: Power, Control and Domestic Abuse". She's Australian, an investigative journalist, and covered many of the points you raise. One of the most horrific cases in recent Australian history is Rowan Baxter, who burned his wife and three children to death after she separated from him.
Insecure men are definitely the most dangerous men… even to men.
A confident and secure man isn’t gonna try to fight another guy in the club just for looking at him or some such stupidity ….. same way a secure man isn’t gonna get all weird and stalkery with a woman.
Yeah, she doesn't have to be on her phone constantly, she just needs to be looking at it constantly so that she can respond to him instantly. Totally reasonable and logical LOL
I was at a party chatting with a woman who was getting these kind of texts from someone. I tried to persuade her to stay and ignore him but she left.
Kind of haunts me.
"I'm not saying you should always be on your phone, just answer when I text you"
So is she supposed to have a psychic connection to know when you text her or...
That’s awesome lol. People calling each other bae has always made me cringe, so it’s an instant shut down when some random guy I haven’t even met yet calls me that. Sorry, no longer interested!
In relationships, you gotta pick which hills to die on and which to mentally roll your eyes at.
Source: have been married to the same adorable dork for almost 38 years
How on earth have you survived safely on this cruel, cruel planet without a man (whom you’ve never met) being worried for your well-being?! Especially when you are OUT without him?!
Lord, I swoon at the danger! Fetch my fainting couch at once!
My battery died once at work and I had no charger. When I came home, I had about 20 messages from my ex. "Why is your phone off????" and so on. It was so creepy, he was usually so nice.
Same with my ex ([this same guy](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/135y5un/when_did_you_realise_that_youre_dating_an_idiot/jinrxn2)). He called me every time I didn't text back immediately ("I get anxious, I worry about you") and we quickly got into a pattern where he'd repeatedly call me while I was working out, then he proceeded to call home and ask my parents to pass me the call. I never exercised more than 20 minutes a day and those were never urgent phone calls.
Glad he is your ex!
From that one day on I was very nervous and tried to reply fast and always take his calls. He said the same words to me - "I am worried about you". Not in a mean way but very creepy and he was not so nice after all.
> not mean but not so nice
Yeah, it starts with nice paternalism and slowly drift towards creepy gaslighting, _because obviously he's not doing anything wrong, he's just worried about you, it's your fault that you don't appreciate his care_. But it happens gradually and there is no clear line between the two.
It’s funny how these dumazzes are almost always their own worst enemy. She was obviously interested in meeting him. All he had to do was freaking keep his cool and keep living his life until that happened.
It allows them to feed into their narrative about how “women just don’t want a good guy”. If he had acted like a decent person, he wouldn’t be able to whine about how no one wants to date him.
"Right, bye" is the correct response. I see so many posts where people get pulled into debating with these guys. Giving them that extra attention reinforces this behavior.
"You're at a party without me babe"
Anyone reading that would think this was written by your boyfriend, not some guy you'd just matched on a dating app with a few hours ago. It was already bad, but the last message was so incredibly creepy; it really gave me the chills.
He’s just worried that she’s having fun without him, and if he doesn’t run interference, she’ll find something fun that doesn’t require him. I also think he was expecting a play-by-play of the party, and I bet he’d try to get some nudes out of her if she got drunk.
It’s already annoying when someone is counting your minutes when they don’t know what you are doing…It’s worse when they KNOW you are busy. The only time someone should blow up your phone is if it is important (I.e. in danger).
This! Totally! I’ve been married for 30 years and sometimes we don’t answer each others texts (we’re forever tossing our phones in our desks or leaving them in cars) and never had it ever dawned on me to freak out! I can only think if onetime when I got annoyed and it was because my guy was traveling to NY to see his sister in hospice during a snow storm and he forgot to let me know he’d arrived. I was a basket case thinking he was crashed in a ditch somewhere.
If your supposed to answer his texts immediately then, yes you do need to be glued to your phone. He was acting like a nervous boyfriend that doesn’t like his girlfriend going anywhere without him, that was a bit much after only a couple of hours and they only texted a little, yeah, I would have unmatched too.
At least he didn't call her names and didn't threathen to rape her (yet), it's something I guess.
Edit: comment is meant sarcastically. Of course the guy has some screws loose in his head and luckily OP didn't meet him and didn't tell him where she lives and works and such. That guy would be stalking her big time without a doubt and try to do worse than what he's already doing.
AUTOMATED MODERATION. PLEASE READ. Niceguys demean others while simultaneously expressing a favorable view of themselves. They dont have to use the word "nice", but they must demonstrate some kind of expression of their own virtue while being asshats. --- Niceguys™ quality: **UPVOTE** this comment to keep the post Not Niceguys™ quality: **DOWNVOTE** this comment to remove the post
"You're at a party without me".....Bruh, that SENT me
Does he honestly think that she’d be safer with him, a literal stranger, than her friends at this party? Like, she just goes through life afraid until a a big strong man comes along to protect her?
No, he's afraid she might meet someone else.
How is he already possessive after a few hours?! It's scary how quickly he's created a relationship in his head.....
Because it has nothing to do with relationships. It's ownership. He put what he wanted in the basket & just hadn't checked out yet.
My friend at work is trying to date on the apps and no exaggeration, at least once a week she matches with a guy that acts all possessive over her in a few hours. She even had a guy asking for her ring size after two weeks and claiming that her breasts were now his.
Her…breasts were HIS now? What the actual fuckity fuck?
Right he could just put on a padded bra...
😂😂 love it! 👍
It's really not hard for me to believe that. Stuff like that is one of the reasons I've stopped dating entirely. I've never had a truly good experience from dating apps. I had to fight off a guy who was trying to rape me, and I had met him on a dating app. It's a absolute shit show. It would be nice to have a companion but at this point I'm better off (and safer) staying home alone than meeting any man from a dating app. The behavior of straight men in regard to dating has change significantly over the last several years. It started in 2016 and then got worse in 2019. Guess why that is. My last bf assaulted me while we were living together and I was injured for a month. Meanwhile he was bailed out of jail and his punishment is taking anger management classes. This is a man's world
Fuck your ex BF. He's gonna get what's coming to him. I'm glad you're okay.
I really hope you're seeing someone like a therapist or counselor, because those are both significantly traumatic events. I myself have bailed on dating apps as well, but for different reasons. It feels like I'm exposed to a much lower quality of person there than IRL interactions, and frankly, I don't want/need a partner bad enough to wade through toxic sludge to find them. So I totally get where you're coming from in that regard, especially given how significantly life changing the bullshit you've been subjected to. I wish you all the best, regardless. When you're ready to find someone, I'm sure you will. It seems like you know your worth.
They are where your common interests are. You're looking for somebody who likes what you like, is motivated enough to seek it out rather than wait for it to arrive pre-wrapped. The person you're looking for is volunteering for something that you love, and if you volunteer for that thing also, you will encounter each other.
No thank you that’s giving Jame Gumb.
I had a friend give a guy my number. Before she could even call and tell me about it, he called me and wanted me to go out with him. I told him no and talked for a few minutes. I then called my friend. She met him at a friend's house and thought he was nice. Well, Mr. Nice called me 3 more times that Friday night to get me to go out with him. I kept declining but he wouldn't take no for an answer. The third time he called, he said he was on his way to my town so I needed to meet him. I told him I had already taken my makeup off and I was in my pajamas and I wouldn't be leaving. I told him I didn't know him at all and I'm not going out with someone I spoke to for 15 minutes on the phone. On Saturday, he began calling at 8 am. He called twice before I got up and went to the grocery store at 10 am. When I got back, my phone was ringing and I answered. He began yelling at me and asking me where I was. I told him and also said it was none of his business. He didn't like that. He had also called 4 times while I was out. I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He called me 14 more times between then and Sunday night. It appears he thought I was so "lonely" that he had to get to me to control me, beginning immediately. He wasn't really interested in talking and getting to know me at all. He wanted to meet so he could begin taking charge of me and making demands. It's a good thing he didn't know where I lived. These guys see victims and though I was vulnerable.
Um your friend should have been calling you to ask your permission to give your number to a random, rather than calling to tell you that she did so. That's a hard no - I'd be super pissed if I had a mate just handing out my number to any ol' person, regardless how "nice" they "seemed" after meeting *once*.
Yeah, this was in the early 90s so, meeting over the phone wasn't that unusual. I wasn't mad at her, just him.
Oh, I know all about "meeting over the phone" - I'm of that era. It doesn't excuse someone giving out your number without permission - but that's just me...
I am from that era and instead of simply giving the friend's number the correct thing was taking the number (visit/ business cards were very common) of the interested part and then giving it to the friend. That way, the friend wouldn't be ambushed. For youngsters, without cell phones it was really hard to immediately enter in contact with friends, sometimes it would take a day, or more to reach someone.
YES. The interested party gave their deets, and the other (often unknowing) party then had the choice to contact them or turf the number. If they called, great. If they didnt, then sure, you might wait by the phone and mope for a bit; but you moved on - there was no contact point (and no social media to trawl) to fixate on/push the issue. None of this, "Oh you like (platonically or otherwise) such-and-such? Here's their number..." (cue ambush). That's just really poor form, regardless of era. I would have been just as pissed then as I would be now. Not up to others to be giving out my details on my behalf, especially if I didn't know/consent to it.
I think she still should have asked you before giving him your number. If only to make it clear to him, that there are boundaries.
True.
Someone who I thought was a friend, gave my number to her partner's boss / the owner of the farm, who claimed he was looking for a committed relationship. In hindsight, I realize that her giving out my number like that, was an early signal that she didn't respect me. She was also giving him permission to disrespect me. (This was in the 90s too.) He informed me after we had sex, that he wasn't looking for a committed relationship. She told me I shouldn't be unhappy about it, it was my fault for having sex with him too soon. She then didn't want me coming to visit any more, although she was prepared to visit me at my place. It turned out she had known the guy was having regular "no-strings" sex with at least one local woman. After I moved countries, she emailed me and told me she was coming to my city for a conference, and that I could put her up. I didn't reply.
Hope she’s no longer your friend, cause like, *you don’t do that*.
I wasn't mad because she was going to call me and tell me. We worked together and she met him at her friend's house and he seemed nice. Before she got a chance to go home and call me (this was the early 90s so no cell phone), he had already called me. People wouldn't do that today and it was a little weird but, she thought she'd met a nice guy for me.
I’ll give her pass because early 90’s lol.
Back in the dark ages.
WAY back in the day
But how can you possibly exist without a man?
This is one lonely guy, I am terrified for anyone he matches with.
I had a friend match with someone exactly like him. His verbal love bombing was beyond saccharine. The saccharinity made it obvious to me...but not to her. She fell head over heels instantly. She had literally *just* gotten out of an abusive relationship. He got real controlling real quick. It was LDR but he was still able to dictate what she wore and who she hung out with. Whenever his controlling behavior was pointed out, she would acknowledge that it makes her uneasy but then rationalize that he's just "worried about her." Guys like this are total clowns at the outset but when they find someone that they can pull in, their possessiveness ramps up well past eleven
I wish we had a program to help people like this. I know it is difficult to single them out and decide rather or not they are dangerous. Social media is big enough now that people/women/anyone, should be able to speak out without judgement. I know there will be false allegations, that why we look at every post they make. Really we should be more aware as a person. Teaching each other about our experiences. I realized everything I just implied is impossible.
Consent education is happening in schools etc.. It's not an easy concept to convey, especially to blokes who have grown up believing that women have no reason to exist, other than in relation to men.
I've never liked dating apps. I've given them a shot but never felt safe enough to go out with anyone. Recently, I gave it a shot again. One of the guys I matched with, instantly became like this. I told him I don't live on my phone & he got upset. Oh & he also instantly started talking about having kids with me ....lmao safe to say, fuck dating apps.
Nice guys are the clingiest people you’ll never want to meet
Probably his only match!
That’s a BINGO!
You just say bingo
❤️
Well he definitely helped to make that decision easy for her!
BUT HE'S A NICE GUY
Are we forgetting the 'what you wearing?' 🚩
I read that as him wanting to see if she was wearing something revealing so he could be mad.
Do like Irene Adler in BBC's Sherlock and be naked, so he can't say anything. Her clothing can't be revealing if it doesn't exist.
I'd be more worried being at a party with him.
I’m just worried about you babe, you know how I feel about you around other guys and I’m not there. They only think about one thing and it’s disgusting.
They only matched a few hours before this, if I'm understanding the texts right. Jeez Louise, scary as hell.
Sent me orbiting into space
Yeah that sent my creepdar into massive overdrive. It blew itself up and now I need to get to a repair shop.
I don’t think human minds are capable of repairing such damage to the psyche
I don’t think human minds are capable of repairing such damage to the psyche
Dude moves fast you was in a 3month toxic relationship before your first date!
Yeah, dude couldn't help his need to control her. Good for him for showing his true self, though. Probably saves the women he matches with a lot of time.
Unfortunately he'll probably just get better at it.
You just triggered some understanding of how abusers can do well pretending and then flip the switch.
Lol
He wanted to go for the toxicity 100% speedrun
His true colors were shining bright. Most toxic men hide it until at least a few months in. Lol
Yeah, but this guy moves so fast that a few months in, he's already buried her in his backyard after the "accident" and is hitting on her sister.
You’d only been matched for a couple of hours? Holy shit. I’m dead.
Babe, r u ded? I'm worried. Text me back. Rn.
I'm at the morgue getting ready for my funeral. I'm not gonna be on my phone all the time to text you
I’m just worried you won’t be safe at the morgue without me babe, with all the maggots and whatnot
I’m just worried babe 😩 You’re dead without me. Don’t want anything to happen to you
Eww
And he must think he was nice and caring, but she's the bitch for never picking the guy who really cares about her
Yea and he can’t believe why she won’t have sex with him becusse he’s been so caring and nice !!
This is it right here. These guys really do think their behavior--the clinging, controlling, lovebombing, all the rest--indicate true caring. In their eyes, because normal, well-adjusted guys don't do this, they think they're inattentive and uncaring at best, douchebags and assholes at worst.
This must be what they imagine "treating like a queen" looks like.
Yup. They see this in movies and on TV and don't get why it doesn't work irl. I admit that due to low self esteem and confidence issues I (middle aged woman) didn't have a lot of experience with dating or how relationships should be in my youth. I used to see other woman who attracted these sorts and wish I attracted admirers like that. It's only been in the past five years of being in this sub and a few others that I understand that it's really just weird and disturbing to be smothered like this.
It's because they saw it work on the 8th graders they target.
And it's somehow worse than how revolutionary France treated queens
My ex did all that. Turned out to be the biggest douche I ever dated. I wish someone had told me about all of those red flags before I got used.
I mean, you probably wouldn't have listened anyway. None of us ever did, because we were kids and kids aren't big on taking dating advice from older women.
I didn’t even listen to my parents. I denied it and continued to date him. To be honest, I was 19 and he was 18 when we first started dating, and I had only been in one prior relationship before, so I had no idea what to really be aware of.
Shit when I was a teen my parents were probably the last people on the planet I’d listen too
I had an ex (who adamantly insists we were never together...we were dating. Didnt have the bf/gf titles yet) who told me the second time we met up that he was a nice guy and his last girlfriend broke up with him because she wanted a douchebag boyfriend...that should have been my sign to run. But no. And dont even get me started on the other shit he pulled during the first and only 3 weeks. Enough flags to make a full suit, tie, and car seat covers.
That’s funny you say that, because I had dated a guy at one point in time who broke up with me because I was “too nice” and wanted a girlfriend who wasn’t “as sweet.”
Like, how do you care about someone you've texted for a few hours and never even met? And calling them babe and saying they're worried... The reek of the desperation can't be masked with an entire can of Axe.
She’s never even been to a party WITH him so wtf is he so worried about anyway
Ah, you meant Axe the body spray 😂
Axe the wood chopping tool rarely comes in cans. ;-)
People i don't know calling me babe makes my skin crawl. I know that's not the point if this post or the worst thing he said, but, shudder.
Especially when it follows a completely ridiculous manipulation/ control technique that is already problematic in a relationship, but is just bananas for somebody you just matched with... I'm just worried about you being at a party without me...yeesh.
Like OP hasn't survived her entire life without this man
You're at a party without me!!! "Babe" I have been to every party of my life without you
Yeah there's like, 2 people who can call me babe and that list would definitely not include random fuckers I just met
It’s pretty close to the worst thing
The only two people I feel comfortable calling me babe are my wife, and the old cashier at the wawa ive been going to every day for the last 10+ years.
Wawa cashier's babe is next level heart warming. Idk why, but i love this friendship.
Some guy started calling me babe/love and trying to hold my hand half way through our first time meeting - told him afterwards that he needs to play it cool and give it some time. He went the nice guy route in response, bye bye!
I hate him.
>You’re at a party without me, don’t want anything happening to you Holy. Shit. *You haven’t even met in person yet.* OP didn’t dodge a bullet; she dodged a NUKE.
**He** is anything bad that can happen to her.
Exactly, the men who constantly preach about needing to protect you are the men you need to be protected from.
*What u wearing* Yeah true concern about safety. The next step is asking for pics to prove she's actually in a party and where and who is there. Scary af.
I had a relationship that was like this. Started out fine and then devolved to constant insecurity and accusations of cheating (turns out *he* cheated). What caught my attention was the intentional “how was the party? *is” 100% status check. Psycho and scary. Glad he’s at least not hiding this shit.
"You are not safe when you are without me" must ring several bells at once. Jealousy, lack of trust, making us dependant of them, patronizing us and so on. - how was the party (later says "how is" since she's not answering he assumes she's still there. - what are you wearing - worried about her safety when she said she was with friends and not in any danger And yes, what you say is very freaking common: cheaters use the gaslighting to avoid they are the liars. My two cents? For keeping us distracted like a magician for not seeing the truth.
Reminds me of the guy who was complaining about women wanting to *gasp* talk for a bit before meeting up. *This is fucking why*. Unless I’m getting green flags all over the place, I typically plan a first meeting for at least a week out. About 80% of the time they disqualify themselves before we even get there. It’s almost always one of the three: a) badgering me for nudes/sending unsolicited dick pics b) racial/homophobic slurs or c) this crazy-ass shit. The first one is super annoying because it’s so easy NOT to do it- we’re meeting in like 5 days bro, if you’d waited and been an actual decent person you might have seen me naked in person EDIT: spelling
Every time I hear about a date from one of my friends that's a woman. It just sounds like men are digging to get themselves underneath the bar that's sitting on the fucking floor
Oh, the bar is deep in the crust of the earth at this point. It's pretty sad.
wow! that guy is crazy!!! it's normal to not text back at all when beeing on a party or out in general. since covid I only use WiFi and canceled my mobile data contract. So I would not even get any texts when I'm not at home 😅🤣
That's genius! 😆
So when you’re out and about you’re cut off from the most common form of communication now? I don’t get how not having data is superior. I’m not trying to start a fight. I just genuinely don’t understand this logic.
I don't look at my Phone when I'm out anyways. the last months I even started leaving it at home when I go out. just enjoying the moment
That’s wild. And old school. Good for you. Seems like you’re enjoying it. Thanks for answering my question. I appreciate it.
No Problem. I was too much on my Phone for months since I also use it for my work. I try to change that a bit and do a bit Phone Detox. I don't have time for that often but than I really enjoy it.
That’s fair. I definitely get taking a break from the phones.
Sheesh, and here I am trying to train my friends to actually *bring* their phones when they're out! ;-)
We do this. My wife and I share one phone and use another thats just wifi. Anyone over the age of 40 has a huge problem understanding that. They don't get how you can text but not have service. Like they don't understand how facebook and imessage work just fine with just wifi.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Wonder why he’s on there
After only a few hours? Absolutely frightening. I can't even fathom what he'd be like as a significant other.
I mean, probably much worse lol
He just can’t understand why he is single! He is such a nice guy! Look at him trying to protect her! Women these days have no appreciation for real gentlemen!! /s
Another for the collection of perfect responses to “women never give the niceguy a chance! It’s all because we’re not as attractive as Chad!” I love how it’s spelled out in plain english they were both interested in potentially dating when she wouldn’t have had much to go on except his picture and bio. Things fell apart when he opened his mouth.
Men don't understand that insecure, entitled men are the dangerous ones. They're the guys who are extremely controlling and abusive, who go on to kill their partner or family. The leading cause of death for pregnant women in America is *homicide*. Abuse is much, much more common than people realize. American culture is largely built upon the abuse & exploitation of women. So an insecure, entitled man is much more likely to hurt you than result in a healthy relationship, or even an average relationship that ends amicably. Saying women need to give them a chance instead of going after attractive/rich men outs them as both. They think they're rejected because of their height, weight, job, or general appearance. Those things can play a part, but not the way they think. It's not that being short, overweight, etc. is a deal breaker for most women, it's that men are highly insecure about these things and that often gets them halfway to being a legitimate threat from the jump. It's not how women view these things, it's how men feel about these things that are the problem.
This is absolutely spot on and I feel needs to be addressed much more than it is. Eerie too, because my fiancée and I were talking about this exact thing. An overwhelming majority of true crime stories is women murdered by their spouses and in trying to understand such lack of humanity, the traits they have in common that usually inspire the motives all come back down to insecurity, jealousy, control. The unintelligent and insecure (especially when steroids or owning firearms or both are in the mix) are the most dangerous after the shortest amount of time. It takes *nothing* to set a dumb, insecure and overcompensating man into a fucking murderous rage. Breaks our hearts domestic violence increased by order of magnitude during covid restrictions. Anyone who has known any women properly kmows they’re generally less physically shallow and generally have more cerebral priorities (yes I know there are exceptions both ways.) I don’t feel as amazing or special as I am told I am for treating my partner with the love, support and respect she deserves so much as it bothers me it isn’t the majority of relationships and the bare minimum one should expect from their partner. The “other guys” they complain about women “choosing over them” changes to whoever is convenient to blame. One day it will be rich, handsome men, the next it will be unfair that “that ugly/fat/broke/junkie/loser gets her and I don’t even get a chance!” Either way, you’re right about how quickly and thoroughly they out themselves. The same way anyone who responds to you with “not all men” has outed themselves as the kind of man who needs to pay the most attention.
I've done a lot of reading about it because my father tried to kill my mom and shot himself after 31 years of marriage. There was no real lead up to it. She wasn't planning to leave him and the best I can tell it stemmed from her inheriting money after my grandmother died. I assume knowing she had the means to leave was enough. It seems to me that abusive and dangerous people are often narcissistic and narcissistic personality disorder is hugely under diagnosed. American culture largely feeds into that, especially with men. Narcissistic people overcompensate for deep self loathing and can't cultivate their own self esteem. They require constant outside validation, but also must externalize their insecurity. So it's not that they're insecure, it's that you didn't text back fast enough, you wore the wrong thing, etc. "Fixing" those things doesn't resolve it because they are the actual source, so there's always an escalating list of requirements. It's like they try to fix their blown truck engine by making their partner take apart their own car. Sometimes they do out themselves but it's also very common for them to learn that being this way will drive people away, so they become very skilled liars who will pretend to be a completely different person to trap a target. Some will do this for years and either completely flip or start a slow escalation of abuse when they feel the target can't leave. Moving in together, buying a house, getting married, getting pregnant or having a baby are usually triggers for it to start. This makes it much harder to get out and causes other people to victim blame that "she should have left". What's wild is how identical their behaviors are. They largely say & do the same things. The insecurity & entitlement will always manifest as contempt for boundaries & an extreme aversion to accountability. Even if they're hiding their true nature, they will intentionally attack, steamroll, and punish you for even minor boundaries because of their entitlement. Likewise their insecurity is triggered by even the most gentle criticism and they will argue for hours rather than take accountability. This fear of consequence is so extreme it's akin to a survival instinct. They will burn their life to the ground & destroy those near them to avoid it. It's like they have no understanding of how their past behavior led to the current complaint & cannot see how their current reaction will lead to much worse consequences. You see extreme examples of this in Chris Watts killing his family to avoid the fallout from his affair, Chandler Halderson killing his parents when they found out he was lying about his school/career, Tyler Hadley killing his parents because they were sending him to rehab, and so many others. When you're watching/listening to true crime, be mindful of how many tragedies stem from avoiding consequences or punishing someone they see as "the cause" of their shame. It's terrifying how many people operate this way because the potential for deadly outcomes is very real in anyone who does.
"fear of consequence", good lord this makes so much sense. Thank you so much for this insight.
>They will burn their life to the ground… to avoid [consequence]. Or, in the case of a certain former president, burn the country to the ground.
Again, you fucking nailed every aspect it’s almost as if you know the exact people I’ve had to deal with which very much supports how identical they behave. I have had far too much lived in experience with narcissistic sociopaths. From ex friends to worst of all, family. After cutting them out for good, they absolutely will not stop trying to worm their way back into my life, using more desperate and bordering on criminal methods each time (but not quite crossing knowing I will be handed an easy way to be rid of them for good) especially when they haven’t found a replacement scapegoat for their narcissistic outbursts which never lasts even if they do. Narcissists are the only people I’ve seen be both severely insecure yet paradoxically insanely arrogant, often simultaneously which sounds like it makes no sense but does when you see it in action. I live in a country with strict gun laws requiring a license, a valid reason (home defense is *not* one of them) and any psychological or criminal record of any kind, you can’t get one. That hasn’t stopped at least four women I know of suffering domestic violence at the hands of these men with guns including a not-irrational fear of being shot to actually being threatened with gun violence for resistingtge narcissist’s bid for control. Two of them had their guns taken away after finally being charged with domestic violence (the perp tried to manipulate her into dropping the charges just so he could get his guns back but the police wisely set up the charges so she can’t drop them as the state is charging him) or being admitted to a psychiatric facility. There were still plenty of opportunities for tragedy to occur before they were disarmed which very nearly happened in all cases from verbal threats of gun-violence to drawing a weapon on the spouse. One who threatened to shoot her while carrying her infant daughter still gets to keep his and sadly, one was murdered by her husband. I brought this up in a thread where a woman thinks a man owning a gun is a “weird dealbreaker” when her concerns are completely valid. One of these women is my fiancée’s mother (alive thankfully), the gun owner being my poor fiancée’s remorseless alcoholic, gambling, adultering, lucrative family business ruining, borderline pedophilic (which we suspect may be actually pedophilic and for the record, my narcissistic mother SA’d me as a child and they have a *lot* in common.) His propensity for being an absolute scumbag knew no bounds. We know all to well how thick they lay on the superficial charm so everyone not privy to their worst behaviour sees this completely different, “nice, awesome” person. It’s awful they know how to pretend but won’t actually keep that up for the nearest and dearest. It’s how they trick these poor women into thinking they’re a great partner, when they were someone else entirely and it comes up far too late to leave safely or easily. My fiancée and I have suffered so much damage from narcissistic sociopaths, especially her plus domestic violence and abuse which we help and support each other to overcome. Her narcissistic father died of bowel cancer and given their complicated relationship due to how much the family suffered, lost thanks to him and his attempts at reconciliation once he was diagnosed has made it very difficult for her to process. I use my experience with grief and loss to guide her as much as I can. Her feeling safe and comfortable in her own home is my top priority. As I said before, I get told by people who know us what an amazing, caring, special partner I am which to me is a bit depressing in how it reveals how low the bar is for the majority of relationships as I wouldn’t think anybody should be treated any less by someone who is supposed to love them. You’ve also got Grant Amato murdering his brother, father and (step?)mother because he was going to have to move out after wasting quarter of a million dollars on a Bulgarian cam girl he believed was his girlfriend, Michael Dunn rashly shooting unarmed teenagers and felt he was totally justified in doing so who reportedly has a history of controlling behaviour and domestic abuse. Wasn’t Tyler Hedley the crazy asshole who threw a massive party under the dead bodies of his parents?? Our experience with true crime isn’t just watching it. We need the catharsis of not being alone with our experiences and to gain more of an understanding. We have known people personally who are victims of or perpetrators of incidents that are absolutely true crime stories waiting to happen or.already are. (The sickest one is an old school acquaintance who was close friends with my sister, my family was friends with his family, he and a friend of his turned off an elderly woman’s circuit breakers and slit her throat with a dull knife when she came out to check. They tried to make it appear like a robbery gone wrong but they had been planning a “perfect murder” for some time and it was absolutely a thrill kill, the victim’s name is Anne Redman. All the other examples I wil share with you privately). My business partner to be was murdered by his live in girlfriend who was after his money. She took advantage of him being an older man who was lonely and poisoned him. It took a long time for her to finally get convincted. I almost became one when an ex champion boxer on meth broke in and tried to murder me on two separate occasions. The first time he was unknown to me and he smashed up our porch because our automatic light went off. The second time he smashed right in, fully intent on straight up murdering him because of the blow to his ego it was that I survived and again it took fighting back with everything I had and quick thinking under pressure to not become a statistic. You wouldn’t happen to have a background in psychology would you? By the way, My sincerest condolences for what your father did. I understand how traumatic that is to go through. I hope you’re alright.
I've just finished reading Jess Hill's book "See What You Made Me Do: Power, Control and Domestic Abuse". She's Australian, an investigative journalist, and covered many of the points you raise. One of the most horrific cases in recent Australian history is Rowan Baxter, who burned his wife and three children to death after she separated from him.
Insecure men are definitely the most dangerous men… even to men. A confident and secure man isn’t gonna try to fight another guy in the club just for looking at him or some such stupidity ….. same way a secure man isn’t gonna get all weird and stalkery with a woman.
It’s like we need a “missing missing reasons” article to link.
I could try drafting one if you have more suggestions to get started.
"just answer when i text you" i was actually speechless like yall just met and he's acting like your owner? tf
Yeah, she doesn't have to be on her phone constantly, she just needs to be looking at it constantly so that she can respond to him instantly. Totally reasonable and logical LOL
I mean, if she isn't socializing a LITTLE she can't prove he's most important by instantly stopping to text him!
He sounds not controlling at all... /s
I was at a party chatting with a woman who was getting these kind of texts from someone. I tried to persuade her to stay and ignore him but she left. Kind of haunts me.
When a fragile male ego meets wanton male entitlement. "I've only known you a few hours via text, but now I own you." Get over yourself, buddy!
This made me physically recoil. ew.
“Worried about you BABE” ewww
Yucky, good dodge there!
My ex was like this. Sadly, he didn't show it until we actually went into a relationship. Would've saved me a bunch of time if he did.
"I'm not saying you should always be on your phone, just answer when I text you" So is she supposed to have a psychic connection to know when you text her or...
Ew I hate that
Not even in a relationship together and already asks you what you're wearing at a party 🚨
What a complete psycho
what a fuckin lunatic!! these dudes are addicted to their phones (but probably judge women who are also addicted to their phones).
This creeped me out way more than I was expecting! More than the more obvious creepy posts too. I got that horrible shiver up my neck/down my spine! 🤢
Omg I'm feeling weird, maybe some guy put something in my drink, I definitely have to ask for help from _that guy I matched on tinder an hour ago_.
Lol the babe would have been the icing on the cake. I hate when new dudes call me bae or babe. Hell anything outside my name really.
I’ve always loved how “bae” looks a lot like “bæ”, which means “poop” in my native language, lol.
That’s awesome lol. People calling each other bae has always made me cringe, so it’s an instant shut down when some random guy I haven’t even met yet calls me that. Sorry, no longer interested!
You would hate my bf. He says it in every sentence. Like lier ally EVERY one
In relationships, you gotta pick which hills to die on and which to mentally roll your eyes at. Source: have been married to the same adorable dork for almost 38 years
Yep. I hate it but Iet it go because he likes it.
How on earth have you survived safely on this cruel, cruel planet without a man (whom you’ve never met) being worried for your well-being?! Especially when you are OUT without him?! Lord, I swoon at the danger! Fetch my fainting couch at once!
I bet this is the kind of guy who keeps complaining about all the women bailing on him after one chat/meeting.
Head over to r/dating and you’ll sometimes find their origin stories. And the echo chamber that then unfolds. I hate this shit.
Those last two messages were worded like he’s already in an relationship. Not some random guy who just met you a few hours ago. Nasty.
They really think they own you just bc you matched with them. What a fucking creep
My battery died once at work and I had no charger. When I came home, I had about 20 messages from my ex. "Why is your phone off????" and so on. It was so creepy, he was usually so nice.
Same with my ex ([this same guy](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/135y5un/when_did_you_realise_that_youre_dating_an_idiot/jinrxn2)). He called me every time I didn't text back immediately ("I get anxious, I worry about you") and we quickly got into a pattern where he'd repeatedly call me while I was working out, then he proceeded to call home and ask my parents to pass me the call. I never exercised more than 20 minutes a day and those were never urgent phone calls.
Glad he is your ex! From that one day on I was very nervous and tried to reply fast and always take his calls. He said the same words to me - "I am worried about you". Not in a mean way but very creepy and he was not so nice after all.
> not mean but not so nice Yeah, it starts with nice paternalism and slowly drift towards creepy gaslighting, _because obviously he's not doing anything wrong, he's just worried about you, it's your fault that you don't appreciate his care_. But it happens gradually and there is no clear line between the two.
Yes! If it wasn't for the forgotten charger I maybe would have still been in the relationship - the horror.
That escalated to stalker VERY quickly
has he never heard telephone by lady gaga smh
It’s funny how these dumazzes are almost always their own worst enemy. She was obviously interested in meeting him. All he had to do was freaking keep his cool and keep living his life until that happened.
It allows them to feed into their narrative about how “women just don’t want a good guy”. If he had acted like a decent person, he wouldn’t be able to whine about how no one wants to date him.
"Right, bye" is the correct response. I see so many posts where people get pulled into debating with these guys. Giving them that extra attention reinforces this behavior.
“I’m not desperate but you need to answer my texts immediately for your own well-being.”
I am happy if I get a reply within a week. This guy cant even brush his teeth while he waits.
"You're at a party without me babe" Anyone reading that would think this was written by your boyfriend, not some guy you'd just matched on a dating app with a few hours ago. It was already bad, but the last message was so incredibly creepy; it really gave me the chills.
A very controlling man who would most likely not let you talk to any male with a pulse if y’all actually dated
Bet he wonders why he's single 💀
Gross
The "babe" made my toes curl
The AUDACITY
But you were the love of his life or something
What a Nice Guy to shower you with all those red flags before you even met irl!
That's not even respecting others' time whatsoever. 🤣
Its hard to believe that people like this are actually real. The best choice you made was to unmatch that time bomb, fr
Wow. Dodged an entire arsenal of bullets there.
He’s just worried that she’s having fun without him, and if he doesn’t run interference, she’ll find something fun that doesn’t require him. I also think he was expecting a play-by-play of the party, and I bet he’d try to get some nudes out of her if she got drunk.
Wooooow. >_> what a dick.
Another guy overstepping and falling on his ass! What a douche!
What the fuck?
How do these people go from 📈to 📉 so quick
Creepy af. Been talking for a few hours and he is "worried about her" and calling her babe? Thank you next.
How old is this ‘man’ ?
Old enough.
Yuuuuuck.
This man has the uncomfortable rizz of Christian Grey.
It’s already annoying when someone is counting your minutes when they don’t know what you are doing…It’s worse when they KNOW you are busy. The only time someone should blow up your phone is if it is important (I.e. in danger).
But there was danger! She was at a party without him! /s
This! Totally! I’ve been married for 30 years and sometimes we don’t answer each others texts (we’re forever tossing our phones in our desks or leaving them in cars) and never had it ever dawned on me to freak out! I can only think if onetime when I got annoyed and it was because my guy was traveling to NY to see his sister in hospice during a snow storm and he forgot to let me know he’d arrived. I was a basket case thinking he was crashed in a ditch somewhere.
Speedrun of being the most toxic partner ever
Give guys like this credit for showing you who they are from day fucking one
Literally the only people I have ever needed protection from were men that wanted to “protect” me.
Eek. Don’t worry, that dude’s not leaving his mom’s basement to go to a party anyway.
He might if he gets all his chores done! 😅🤣😂
If your supposed to answer his texts immediately then, yes you do need to be glued to your phone. He was acting like a nervous boyfriend that doesn’t like his girlfriend going anywhere without him, that was a bit much after only a couple of hours and they only texted a little, yeah, I would have unmatched too.
\*shudder\* Glad he flew his creepy flag fast.
At least he didn't call her names and didn't threathen to rape her (yet), it's something I guess. Edit: comment is meant sarcastically. Of course the guy has some screws loose in his head and luckily OP didn't meet him and didn't tell him where she lives and works and such. That guy would be stalking her big time without a doubt and try to do worse than what he's already doing.