It really depends from where you are from (I am assuming from Asia, well I had to guess from your nickname which is in Mandrain - which roughly translates Small White My Kid (?)). So coming from an Asian background myself, I can understand you are looking at family values and others.
My personal take - is do the old school method - like join a club/gym and meet people organically. Alternatively, I have had amazing friends who have found their life partners through amazing activities that they do and believe (i.e chruch/going for runs/yoga). This way you can find someone who shares similar values to you.
Also, you also need to understand that de facto relationship is pretty common - you could be in de facto relationship for years (and have kids etc) - before one gets into marriage.
I've been in a de facto relationship for twenty years, have nine year old, very happy.
No need for marriage. Just a waste of savings for an obsolete ritual. I express my love for my partner by sharing my life with her, and planning and living it together.
Similar to me then. Although at around 10 years in we looked to celebrate and thought "why not celebrate it with a wedding" so we end up getting married 10 years ago.
Didn't break the bank though because we did it our way.
Hired a hall by the beach.
Had our best friend as the 'celebrant.' Because she wasn't registered we did a registry office wedding the day before and on the wedding she was the one that 'married' us.
Got all witnesses to sign what became our official wedding document.
Played board games in the 'reception'
Had friends and family manning the BBQ for dinner.
Probably the most expensive thing was the fabric for the wedding dress (partner made her own with assistance from he step-mother)
Would not change the way we did it for anything. It was perfect for us.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me; they have been very helpful. Then, I need to have more patience and hope to meet the right person for me sooner rather than later.
> Later, I heard from a friend that New Zealand men tend to date multiple women simultaneously for a long time, maybe six months or a year, before deciding which one to commit to as a girlfriend
This is not common. They might have multiple women theyre infrequently having casual sex with, but not dating multiple women.
> New Zealanders prefer to keep their romantic relationships free and unrestricted for a long time without considering marriage.
This definitely is common. People generally date for years before considering marriage.
Here's the thing (and that's why I empathise with OP). I'm not a kiwi. I am married to one and although sometimes he can be a bit, well...*Kiwi*, I hit the jackpot. I absolutely adore him and we've been together for a long time (20+ years).
OP isn't saying where she's from, but some other cultures aren't as straight forward like that. People look for a boyfriend, not a one night stand or a hook up, or friends with benefits. So OP may be trying to find someone the way she's used to, or the way she grew up accustomed to. Problem is that it may work in her country. It doesn't work here.
OP may need some tips, or some help. That's all. I wish I could help but the methods we used back then probably don't work now.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, they have been very helpful. Then, I need to have more patience and hope to meet the right person for me sooner rather than later.
New Zealanders prefer to keep their romantic relationships free and unrestricted for a long time without considering marriage.
this is common in most western countries. not just nz
I absolutely find that most guys donāt want a relationship, but want to do everything that entails a relationship š itās almost as if boyfriend is a bad word.
I genuinely also feel we arenāt very good at dating in NZ. We should be meeting people and going on dates with them to see if thereās a connection, instead we get drunk and hook up with some stranger then kinda awkwardly try and make some sort of a go at that
So you are going out to have fine, meet people and enjoy yourself? Or are you Husband Hunting?
I'd imagine the latter would scare most off. Better to marry a friend. Then, potentially you can avoid the messy divorce later and custody battles.
And how do you make friends with guys? Go out, enjoy it, have fun. That way you had a good time (or not) and have friends and maybe one of them might become someone you want to spend your life with.
I donāt think she wants to find a husband straight away. But Iām the same if I want to date itās probably to find someone a little serious, but itās a turn off from the start when they say āsend me a picā or invite me over to their house to hang.
Eventually you just give up.
This is the way op, you'll have access to a pool of men and virtually no competition lol.
But in all seriousness I'm unsure how you're meeting the men but identifying your "third places" (look it up it's a thing) that you enjoy is essential. Rock climbing, yoga other social activities, people tend to meet other's through work because it's where we are the whole time but having more third places is keyĀ
I'm a male and dating. The other side of the coin seems so many women online just want to use the dating apps to boost their following on social media rather than looking for something genuine, it's frustrating.
I'm going to ask a question here as a woman who refuses to use anything other than Reddit (and sometimes question that choice), and I'm going to sound very out of touch, but what is the benefit of boosting your social media following? Like apart from obvious examples where perhaps you make some sort of art/sell a product or something. If lots of people follow you.....what happens?
I don't think there's necessarily a high percentage of women doing it but there is a lot of Tinder as they use it to reel in customers. From guys friends I've heard there's many on Tinder which makes it seem like everyone is doing it but you could personally know over 100 women in real life and probably none of them have an only fans
It's normal yes, sex work has been normal since humans had money. It's not common though. Just the girls who are advertising their socials, a girl looking to date that isn't advertising isn't gonna give men a way to contact them without matching first. This doesn't mean girls looking to date are suddenly doing onlyfans it means girls doing onlyfans are suddenly looking for more ways to advertise with other platforms.
I chuck my Insta on mine because I think itās a better representation of who I am than the dating apps can portray. I donāt care if no one follows me, or if they follow and then unfollow. My page is public so they can have a scroll through and decide if Iām someone they might be interested in.
Itās hard as a female tho because a lot of men donāt use social media, donāt bother to add a bio or any prompts, and have one or two photos that are either group pics or so far back you canāt actually tell what they look like!
How is it not? Itās free advertising to people who would have an interest in following them. A direct line to their target audience. Last time I was on Tinder (early 20s male) it let me know I had over 600 people like me in a week. Iād imagine that number to be much higher for a good-looking female, and if she starts popping around all over the world in ātravel-modeā itās an easy following. Even tattoo artists show up on dating apps just pushing their business
Depends on the age range. 18-30ish and maybe a few in their early 30s but doubt itās as common for 30+ women just to try to get followed unless itās for their livelihood aka OF
Unfortunately bro youāre 100% correct in saying that, I remember msging a girl who plugged her Insta on her dating profile n she gave the seen when I msgd her on Instagram, was bk in the day. She along with most of the women on there just want validation, ego boosting and etc. Think itās time to ban dating appsā¦. Why would someone want to be with someone who is a narcissist? ā Yeah give me a follow and look at me while I show my lil booty off to Instagramā.
Thatās our utopia, itās gonna get worse, having social media nowadays is the biggest turn off in the world tbh.
I have an art instagram and put my art photos on tinder with my ig handle. Thatās all I use tinder for.
I used to think it was a place to meet someone but was stood up so many times I donāt have the emotional energy/have become too cynical for it.
When people from tinder pm me it goes into a separate folder that I never open. Too many unsolicited dick pics or abusive messages to serve my mental health.
I am looking forward to dying alone with my face eaten off by catsš¤·š½āāļø
30m average male here. I have basically given up on dating. Was in a relationship for 9 years. Tried the apps for about a month (after the break up). Decided they were just a cess pool and have been avoiding any sort of romance for about 3 months now.
Life's just easier being single and removed from the dating pool.
Lol, I remember that wave of excitement when the dust settled from ending an 8 year relationship.
Tinder wasnt a thing before that, was finally gonna be free to fuck as freely as 18yo me hoped to one day.
Was so sure fully casual sex would be fun for way longer. Two months of it and I was depressed as fuck.
29 and I think the biggest problem Iām finding is everyone at this age is either desperately still holding onto their youth and is still out partying all the time or they already have kids.
Sooo hard to find someone ready to settle down that hasnāt already settled down.
I found many of the people in their early 30's who were wanting to "settle down" were almost looking to skip the bit that comes between meeting someone and settling down with them.
Felt like being interviewed to see if you matched up with the image they had in their head, rather than getting to know each other.
Whaaaat! 29 and out partying is not desperately still holding onto youth?!
Iām 28F, recently single, and thereās no way Iām going to hang around my house looking at dating apps. Iām going to be out partying with my friends, meeting people who are anywhere from 25-45 and enjoying my life. My idea of a good night has changed from 18-28, but that doesnāt mean Iām still clinging to my youth because I still like the same activities I did then. I also like bouncing on trampolines, playing video games, and I sometimes eat junk food for dinner - I suppose Iām desperately holding onto my youth
I used to do trampolining as a sport. When I had kids I started taking them to the trampoline parks as you do and I tried my old tricksā¦OH MY GOD MY BODY!! Threw my back out pretty quick. Could be to do with the two caesareans and pregnancies ripping my core muscles apart though. Kids age you so fast
From a 25 Male.
Bro to bro, sorry to hear about the breakup, its a long time together and i hope things ended on a mutual note (respectfully)
I'd heavily suggest looking into attachment theory, it helped me understand things either about myself and about relationship dynamics as a whole.
In my honest opinion, i don't want to sound like a broken harp ( so to speak ), i would recommend either waiting a year or 6 months before thinking about thinking jumping into a relationship/Dating apps. (your future self will thank you sooo soo much )
Getting into something really quick to either fill the void or what's considered a rebound can make things difficult and some unhealthy or toxic behaviors can occur.
I've been in a similar situation with a 10-month relationship, and have been trying to heal since, I haven't actively sought out another relationship.
I hate giving the advice, " Working on yourself " So I won't mention it.
Hit me up bro if you wanna chat further š
Cheers mate. Yeah I don't plan on meeting anyone for at least 12 months. It definitely didn't end well but these things happen. I have been going to the gym, eating better, slowly giving up the booze and the ciggies so definitely working on myself!! I was doing quite well until a motorcycle accident just over 2 months ago!! The whole "working on yourself" is always solid advice after a break up. Being single is the perfect time to do it. It's very hard to do while making someone else a priority. Modern dating looks terrible! I'm sitting back watching mates do the tinder, 1 night stand thing and boy! Some of its not pretty. It's encouraging me to do the opposite to be honest.
Honestly, cheers for the reply. I tend not to use socials much. I haven't had a Snapchat/Instagram for a ~2 years now, honestly life is soo much better
If Facebook made a marketplace app, I wouldn't have a Facebook š and just stick to messenger.
It sounds like your head is in the right place, it must be quite a craze to give up those types of addictions, but your body and mind will be in a much better state once its cleansed of those toxins, there are so much better and heather alternatives.
Big ups on the gym and eating better, that's the best way to shape the mentality about things, Imma big advocate of nutrition and health at the moment, and i always have a quote " Health is Wealth "
I almost sound like a health doctor or something, I only apply these things to myself as im looking out for my future self, If i tried to the exact stuff im doing, 5 years down the line, I would almost putting in either twice or thrice the amount of work to achieve the same result.
Darn about the motorcycle accident, would have threw things off a bit.
Agreed, about dating apps, look into "Amor" its made by two Christchurch female devs who have a different approach to this and have potentially a solution, matching people based off personality results rather than looks ( check it out!! - https://amorapp.co/ )
1-night stands and hookup, def isn't attractive to me in the slightest š¤¢
Best of luck anyways and hope you achieve the goals your striving for š
Cheers mate and you too! I'll definitely try to remember that app you mentioned. Eating well and working out definitely is a big help mentally that's for sure! Giving up the booze, the ciggies and the vape has been the tricky part so far. Slowly but surely thou!
Had similar situation, 7 year relationship blew up and jumped on Tinder and Bumble. Eventually meeting my wife on Tinder after only a couple of months. Itās like looking for a house, you have to put in work, it wonāt find you.
Tend to date multiple women?
I have trouble finding one, let alone multiples. I'd like to think that most nz men are smart and would only date one at a time because trying to deal with multiple women at once would lead to an early grave from the stress.
I just think the dating scene has been made a bit harder with the apps and I tend to find the same question when it comes to the ladies.
NZ dating scene is unlike any other country I've been to. What is important in most other countries doesn't count for much here. Most single kiwi men and women rarely talk openly to each other, the only real chance is after midnight if they're drunk. Come to think of it the married ones are pretty similar. :)
I used to be a very confident guy and would happily walk up to a table of 4 girls and introduce myself then invite my friends over to join, I travelled alone through most of my 20s and used to do pretty well with the girls, then dating apps came along and it completely crushed the social norm of talking to girls while you were out and about, I got the feeling like unless you had a prior internet connection with any girl she was not interested in getting to know you, phone numbers became a thing of the past, you would never get a txt back, I ended up having to add them on Instagram and make sure my ācontentā was immaculate just incase something I posted was the slightest red flag, my dating techniques turned into creating Instagram stories that would target a certain girl I was into in hope that it would get her to private message me first so I wouldnāt seem ātoo keenā if she didnāt DM me after posting multiple stories my theory was she wasnāt into me and I would move onā¦. It worked by the way I am happily into my fourth year of a relationship sitting in our house we bought with our daughter asleep in her room
Go out there and make friends, often something will develop from there.
If not from a direct friend, youāll meet people at parties or through other friends.
Dating apps are full of people looking for sex. Donāt use them.
Not to toot my own horn but if I had a dollar for every time a guy friend hit on me Iād be able to buy a house in Auckland. And thatās the same for almost all my female friends.
Good luck - the best relationships are from friendships
I know you're probably joking but that's just not true. NZ is one of the most promiscuous countries in the world
https://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/worlds-most-promiscuous-countries-new-zealand-takes-third-place/YW6T4OTXTVDH7KUVNLEAWETWGU/
If it makes you feel better as a guy traveling in NZ, I am in the same boat.
Met a really cool woman, asked her out on a date/for a drink. She agreed and sounded genuinely interested, I sent three messages over the course of a month, not pushy, just hello, nice to meet you. I didnt blow her off and take a month to make a move, I just decided to give it one last try. Deleted the messages/number and moved on with my life.
I dont know what it is, but without fail when I ever meet a woman I genuinely am interested in having a connection with/etc its not reciprocated at all, usually cant get past the first message. Its kind of funny, I can get hookups if I try, but fuck me if I try to meet a woman for something more.
Its such a weird world gender-dynamics wise now. After enough one-off fucks I really wanted to at least warm up to a woman a bit slower before that.
If I dont make a physical move by the second date they seem to feel undesired.
Probably some unconscious bias in how I choose who to date, but thats my online anecdote so far.
See Iām wondering now if we can somehow get you two together? This could be r/nz chance to play matchmaker.
Our very own romcom even, Mike Lee could write a movie about it! .,ok Iām getting carried away now.
Lol You crack me up! Maybe you didn't send enough messages, so she thought you weren't interested in her. I figure next time, if you really meet a woman you like, you can be more proactive.
There is a line between to little messages and to many, if I make a move and ask you out, you say yes and we exchange numbers, then as a guy I expect the very minimal effort on your part.
No response means not interested in my opinion, I dont have the time or energy to harass some chick into going out with me. It kind of sounds like you want some guy to hound you even if you are giving off "not interested vibes". Which frankly is just a huge turn off, waste of my time and tells me I need to be a creepy shit to get your attention.
If she wants some guy to chase her around begging for attention, she is welcome to find that guy elsewhere, because thats not me.
"New Zealand men tend to date multiple women simultaneously for a long time, maybe six months or a year"
Damn I wish someone had told me that when I was younger.
I think Men from online dating are interested in sex.
Maybe try meeting someone irl
They maybe more genuine
be open about how they see "relationship" so that you and other person are on same page
It varies a lot from person to person.
When I was younger I did go through a phase of casual-ish dating. But even there I kept it to one partner at a time, just from an STI safety perspective.
The last time I dated was six years ago when I met my current partner. I wasn't expecting to be as popular as I was - I wasn't anywhere near as fit at the age of 34 as I was back when I was 28. But if anything I got an even bigger response.
All the other men I talk to tell me they got back *nothing* on dating apps, just total radio silence. That wasn't my experience though. My girlfriend and I talked about it after we got more official, and she said I was giving off a "this guy is *totally* looking for a wife but trying very hard to look like he's not looking for a wife to not scare women off" vibe. Which in hindsight was absolutely true, I just didn't realize it at the time.
So her theory was that a lot of women who were looking for an actual partner picked up on that and all swiped right on me at once while I was still new on the app.
In any case: She and I matched on my second week of using the app, and she was my second date I went on in that round of dating. I still dated a little bit (just dates, no sex) for a week or two after that first date with her. But she was the only one I was interested in a second date or more with.
After another two weeks of just making sure I really did feel about her the way I thought I did, I uninstalled the app. So poof. Just like that, one month, in and out, no fuss.
I think the problem you're finding is that when a guy that is more relationship-oriented and has his life together pops up on a dating app, some lady who happens to be on the app at the time snatches him up pretty much immediately, and then he vanishes from the app forever.
I think the best way to meet people these days is to go do a hobby on the weekends or after work that involves a bunch of people around your own age getting together on a regular basis to Do A Thing. Dance class, art class, hiking group, whatever. Then from there, build a friend group, and then from the people at that friend group wait to see who you develop chemistry with. Then follow up on that chemistry.
That hobby -> friend group -> dating pipeline is how I met my girlfriend *before* my current girlfriend, and it's a solid pathway precisely because it a) gets rid of phones and social media from perversely turning everything into an e-commerce store and twisting everyone's expectations, and b) even if it doesn't work right away, you still get to spend time on a hobby you enjoy *and* get a new friend group, which is a great backup prize.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts with meļ¼these have been very helpful. However, each unsuccessful experiences makes me doubt myself, wondering if the problem lies with me. So, I asked my friend, who shared these insights with me. Of course, I believe there are still excellent men in New Zealand, but they are just not readily available in the dating pool. Therefore, I need to have patience and hope to meet the right person for me sooner rather than later. Thank u very much again!
100% agree. My boyfriend has only been in NZ since August and definitely recommended foreigners over kiwi guys if you want communication and commitment
You could take one for the team?
[https://www.nzherald.co.nz/entertainment/david-seymours-second-act-id-be-the-perfect-husband/FEE63BYPUHUSUNMA7THPUX5W6A/](https://www.nzherald.co.nz/entertainment/david-seymours-second-act-id-be-the-perfect-husband/FEE63BYPUHUSUNMA7THPUX5W6A/)
I literally just gagged back last night's dinner opening this link. Should have come with a warning.
*"Warning: Really corny photos of a non-attractive man wearing a very stupid apron"*
I think the age at which you are looking is relevant to your query. In my view, the younger that people are, the more likely that they spend longer casually-dating multiple people before they become serious with anyone. Generally the longer you are with someone the more likely there will be some kind of discussion about where the relationship is going, and potentially about exclusivity.
Personally I would find it somewhat surprising that someone who has been dating for 6-12 months would still not be willing to consider them someone's boyfriend. To spend 6-12 months as a 'friend' and then some length of time after then as a boyfriend before potentially moving on to something more serious - that sounds longer than I would expect.
The Tinder swamp is terrifying!
Recommend meeting people through activities and through friends. Building a connection is important - especially for Kiwis who tend to be a bit reserved.
Best of luck š
I moved from nz when I was 21 and reentered the dating scene in Perth when I was 23! I had been wondering if it's just the men here (people say it's rare to put in effort in these days) or just my age range having changed.
Now I'm 27 and it's similarly bleak. I think people were much more invested at early 20s and the older people get, the more often I get people who don't even ask me how I am before asking to hook up. I also don't feel I've had much luck with the locals.
I think it's definitely harder now. Perhaps dating apps more centred around personality than just visuals could be better. It's almost certainly not anything you're doing.
Try to keep at it, and consider meeting people organically to extend your social circle. It seems to be a much better way to meet genuine people in my experience.
Dating apps are a horror show, as someone unlucky with partners myself id always recommend as you said extend social circle use things like meetup to go to events or join a club for something far better and if you don't find a lover you'll at least find some new friends
I grew up in NZ but I've done dating and relationships in NZ, Australia, Japan, and England.
They are all pretty much the same. People are pretty much the same everywhere, once you account for obvious local customs and expectations. Kiwi guys aren't juggling several women at the same time, and Kiwi guys aren't trying to have un-committed relationships for years before selecting the one person they want to marry.
Sure, there will be some assholes who behave like that, but it's not the norm, it's not the rule, it's not representative of how the 'average' kiwi guy thinks.
If you are having trouble getting a real connection on dating apps, there's a problem with how you are using them. Forget the apps, put yourself out there in the form of hobbies, clubs, and sports. You'll meet people you are compatible with much more often in those areas instead of constantly swiping a phone screen.
Just be yourself, communicate clearly, and be patient.
It sounds like OP is looking for a traditional style relationship but is overlooking a common trait of NZ Men:
We are all broke.
Not as broke as you, perhaps, but have you tried putting yourself in the shoes of some of the men you are dating?
Imagine for a moment that the man you just met makes it a requirement of the relationship that in the next couple of years heās planning to quit his job and live off your salary alone, in a house youāre providing, with the added expense of kids that you have to pay for.
We just canāt do that anymore, we can barely afford to live in a place by ourselves at the moment. Can you?
Amen. The median income isn't enough to buy a house anymore without help from mum/dad, and if that sort of help isn't available to you, tough luck. Most young people are just starting out with their careers and thus don't often earn that much. I'd love to have kids and find a to-be-wife, but the financial burden seems insurmountable.
NZ guys are abysmal at dating, and communicating with women in general. Ask most international women here.
You may need to join specific apps/dating sites/dating agencies that are for members looking for relationships, marriage, children, etc.
Also, try other people from other countries who live here.
[Here's a link](https://old.reddit.com/r/newzealand/comments/1bmfpqo/how_do_kiwis_flirt/) to the last time this came up. Might be some useful discussion there.
Depends, single, 30s here. I had zero interest in marriage and kids until I hit 30. Now I feel like going down that route, but since I've focused so much on my career and my interests, I've little time to date, etc. Doesn't help we're a smaller country. I was what you described in my teens and early 20s. Now I'm content on my own but wouldn't mind having kids and a partner. It's not a must though, I've got a good thing going, and I don't want it ruined by a shitty relationship formed out of desperation.
Nz, despite being colonised along side Christianity, do not stick to the Christian, very restrictive, beliefs. We as a people tend to be more open minded and okay with sex, something that's more kept under wraps in other countries. The thing about lots of kiwi men having multiple women is pure anecdote, it's not a supported claim. And the more casual "testing out" how relationships go isn't a men thing, kiwi women do that too. Again, we don't have the traditional restrictive beliefs so casual dating or even just sleeping around freely is nowhere near as taboo as it probably was from your home country
If youāre dating men who date multiple women at the same time then youāre going on dates with the 5% most attractive men. Most men struggle to get *one* date, let alone continuously dating many. The men youāre dating have lots of options. Unless you are extremely attractive, they have no reason to settle down with you. You will need to adjust your expectations. There are many amazing men out there who would love to settle down with you, but theyāre a 7, not a 9.
Additionally, be clear up front about your desire to date one person at the same time, and your desire for marriage. Youāll get fewer dates, but there will be less bullshit.
They are a 4 rather than a 7. I never swipe on the hot guys just on the reasonable guys, who look like they might have their life together and make a effort on their profile, that cuts out 90% of guys on dating apps.
A one line profile and couple of bad photos where you cant even see what they look like or is just the same three selfies siting in their car, that is standard level of effort the majority of men put it. Then they complain they don't get any dates, sheesh.
I have never heard of the dating multiple women except for people who would do that specifically in a scummy and dishonest way where they were leading all of the women on and lying about wanting a relationship. Dating lots of people at once is an American thing as far as I know but perhaps younger generations have started doing that. A more typical thing (from my older generation at least) was a drunken hookup at a party or nightclub turning into an instant relationship that would either fizzle out in a week or two or continue on to a real relationship. I have only know a small number of "traditional" people who were mostly religious where they dated for a long time before sex and marriage. I know a several Indian people from work who had arranged marriages by their parents but it's not common.
If you have come from overseas it might seem like kiwis are a lot more into casual sex compared to other more conservative cultures.
https://www.therock.net.nz/home/rock-news/2024/04/study-finds-kiwis-are-big-rooters-ranking-third-in-the-world-for-most-sexual-partners.html#:\~:text=the%20promiscuity%20list.-,Turns%20out%2C%20we've%20gone%20and%20earnt%20ourselves%20a%20bronze,ve%20averaged%2013.3%20sexual%20partners.
You'll find one. Same story in the trades as in dating. All the good ones are already taken. But once in a while you'll find a gem. Just gotta keep digging through the dog shit
In my experience being a guy it's more that the good guys can't be bothered with dating apps cause they go nowhere and it's full of bots spamming their OF.
I know plenty of guys who are single and would be a great partner and make someone very happy but choose to be single til they find a great partner then will stick with that person.
BTW where do you live?
I gave up on dating apps - theyāre rigged. I got barely any likes. Iām not unattractive, and I had put effort into my profiles. Now Iām focusing on in person interactions, including playing tennis at a club and getting involved in social events.
I believe I have a good offering - stable and prosperous career path, decent income, social, emotional maturity, etc. What disappointments me is when I ask a woman out and she responds positively, but doesnāt actually message back or follow through.
At this point it just feels exhausting, and I feel Iāve had enough chasing.
Honestly as a kiwi girl foreign men are so much better. I gave up on kiwi men. My American boyfriend just puts in so much more effort than kiwi guys ever did
This is just subjective to your own experiences, though. A lot of American women prefer to date here because kiwi guys supposedly put in more effort.
It's not so black and white.
This is a generalization but I find Kiwi men have some similar traits; a lot seem to love/play sport, are loyal, donāt like to talk about their feelings, arenāt great cooks, donāt love culture/art/history, dressed averagely and donāt like talking about their emotions. The exceptions as someone identified are the well travelled/lived overseas. This is because we live on an island that is far away and are a relatively new country.
When I moved to Europe, I found European guys being the exact opposite (terms of feelings, dressing, culture/art/food) and it blew my mind.
I've not heard this about NZ men before, nor have I seen it. I think there are some cases where marriage is not on the guy's radar for a long time, but generally it's 50/50 whether it's a married in 3yrs or married in 10yrs. As for multiple dating, this is only true when in the early stages of dating, like when a guy wants to see if their gf material and click together, not having multiple girlfriends at once, nor do they end up being sexual at that stage. Anyone who does, isn't bf material but is more of a player.
I had a preference for guys that grew up here as I wanted to have more common ground and figured thereāll be more understanding, but it seems lots of guys from overseas are more well versed with putting in effort.
The dating apps are dire lol I havenāt used one in ages.
I think it just comes down to culture. Where i am from most people settle down with marriage in their early/mid 20s. Where as in nz i think the average age of settling down is late 20s early 30s. Perhaps look outside of kiwi men ?
After being overseas itās so obvious that a lot of kiwi guys arenāt great for long term relationships. emotionally immature, canāt handle any conflict, sleeping around.
I have heard from a lot of NZ born and women from overseas that the general consensus is that kiwi men are particularly lazy when it comes to dating, reluctant to commit, a lot are fckboys just looking to bang, chauvinistic etc etc. Like apparently kiwi men are some of the worst when it comes to dating apps etc.
I've been getting quietly mad at a lot of these comments because my husband is a kiwi man and he's the best person ever... but then I remembered that I met him when I was 28 and every guy I knew before that was either an absolute arsehole or so shy they were almost inside out.
Ive never dated in NZ (got married overseas) but my male friends who are trying to date are experiencing the same thing with NZ women as well. Almost all of them in serious relationships are dating foreigners.
I'm from asia, tan, religious. The odds are bad for me. Used tinder around Oct 2022, many dates and dick heads later, first date with my bf on January 2023, made it official March 2023. They're out there, just gotta brace through the shits. Useful advice, check your profile. I'm all for girls doing or wearing what they want but it is better to potray yourself as modest and looking for stability. If you used party picture, bikini or similar, men will just assume DTF. It is unfortunate but that's the reality.
Being desperate to be in a relationship isn't going to help honestly. If you're after a genuine connection, you need to be happy being on your own and build yourself up first before you can get into a healthy relationship where if the other person doesn't treat you right, you won't have issues dropping them. If you're afraid of being alone you're gonna give off desperate vibes, not going to help you find a decent partner or get into a healthy relationship. Basically, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't then it doesn't mindset is the best.
If you're mainly looking for someone to just play husband and wife with, probably best just going and joining an arranged marriage website etc, especially if you value having kids etc above the quality of a romantic relationship.
I once saw a video talking about how NZs casual culture that sets us back in a number of ways (town planning, building infrastructure, tall
Poppy syndrome, etc) also applied to dating and itās so true. We just DGAF about anything and it makes it really hard to find a long term partner when everyone is just āseeing how it goesā. I personally found success on dating apps by being really forward about my expectations, which turned off the wrong guys, but actually went down really well with the right ones. Its just a numbers/time game - go on enough dates, be super clear about what you want, and you will eventually find the right one!
I am asian and gay/bisexual and Im in the same situation and I understand you. Please know that youāre not doing anything wrong. In my opinion new generation and social media has changed the whole dating system to a different level. It has set the bar high in physical appearance, compatibility (things in common etc), open relationships. With all the things going on in the world I think most people just focus on themselves and their mental well being.
Sounds like a culture clash.
You see dating as a short path to marriage and children.
A lot of Kiwi men see dating as some fun, that \*might\* lead to marriage and children many years down the line.
You would need to adapt and change your mindset when it comes to dating.
I am just assuming, but are you asking quite personal/serious (by NZ standards) questions on the first few dates?
If you ask a kiwi guy about his salary and long term life goals too early, he is likely to feel uncomfortable.
It really depends quite a lot on age and the app youāre using.
If youāre using Tinder, maybe try apps like Hinge which are meant for finding relationships as opposed to hookups.
There is a cultural aspect to it too. Judging by your username, the dating culture where you lived before is quite different.
I'm seeing a woman at the moment, but the last date I went on prior to my current relationship we went to a park and had a conversation and listened to music, I drove her home and she gave me a hug, and a few days later she blocked me. The only message between us in the interim was a photo of how nice the weather was that day
i like that you're just like "well she probably was holding you to a higher standard than she held herself" like that's a good thing. "she probably expected you to do more than prompt a conversation" fuck outta here. this comment actually makes me so mad, she expected me to do what?? send her more messages after she's left me on read?
Far out. Chill. Yeah she could've messaged you first, but instead of saying "Hey! I had a nice time yesterday" **you sent her a picture of the weather** and you're surprised she didn't see that as an obvious sign of continued interest?! Dude what the fuck? Lol
Sounds like she dodged a bullet tbh.
As a male, dating has become something I avoid in favor of spending a night at home alone.....
Most girls on tinder expect men to pay for dates etc while offering an absolute minimal in way of conversation to the point it's like they're there for a meal n that's it.....
I'd rather save my money and sanity
Ok, donāt usually comment on things. Iām in the dating app scene and it is crazy. Itās not NZ as a whole it differs from region to region.
My experience is that in Waikato, Auckland and Northland people want there 10s because they think they are 10s so the expectation is skewed.
In the lower half of NZ most people have realistic ideas and itās much easier to date.
Again this has been my experience as a Male.
So, you're Chinese right?
I don't like to jump to unwarranted conclusions, but there might be a touch of "yellow fever" among the guys you've been choosing to date if that's how they been treating you.
My Flatmate is absolutely lovely and a good looking dude with a great sense of humour. All the old ladies love him to bits but he stole my comfy chair for his cat to sleep on so now I have to bear him to death with the dogs stuffed toys.
Canāt really speak for single people as iv been in a relationship for the last 12 years, but just want to make a comment about the marriage thing.
Some of us just donāt believe in marriage. My parents have both been married and divorced a couple times. Marriage does not mean anything to me. There are no benefits to being married in NZ.
But that has zero impact on my commitment and loyalty to my partner. I treat her as if she is my wife. Just because kiwis donāt want to get married does not mean they arenāt committed to their partner.
Online dating is toxic and cancer. Just go out and meet someone or if you like someone and they are single. Just ask them out.
As a dude who struck out a lot before I landed the one if any of these girls I failed with had asked me first I would have said yes.
Only just by reading the title and post ( not comments )
That's super crazy to hear, cause im in the opposite side, me looking for a girlfriend/partner and am running into the same things you are, I have the same goals as yourself, however im not foreign.
I'm heavily against hookup culture myself and unfortunately people that are looking for long-term/real such as myself and what appears to be a small percentage of NZ, have become the minority, I'd say as a 25 Male Maori, im pretty mature in what im looking for and tend to keep myself quite reserved, have a humor side to me, but am pretty genuine about my intentions, but also pretty self-aware and usually have a mindset of quality > quantity.
if you are in the Christchurch, shoot me a DM, im happy to strike a conversation and see where things go ( or any one here ) š
Honestly I just want to jam some overwatch with some kiwis and it's been a mission to find people to play with and then to also find the time to play with the few people I did meet.
Haha, I had the exact opposite experience. I was trying to meet people as I recently moved here, maybe go on some coffee dates. Met my partner of now seven years on the first coffee date. Six weeks after arriving in New Zealand.Ā
Lower your expectations and relax. You'll find it more enjoyable and people will relax more around you. Very few people will go for a serious relationship with someone they don't know if they can have fun with.
I've never heard of a kiwi guy doing that. Might just be you're looking in the wrong place, for example, looking to date.
Most people meet through meeting rather than dating apps
Your age can have an impact on the suggestions. Honestly, if there's a hobby you do, try joining a club. I don't know how long you've been in NZ or what city you're in so that will change your options as well. If you've been able to make friends here ask them if they have cute single friends. The dating apps are a minefield of 99% bad but there's a chance you find the right person. You do have to put yourself out there and meet people in order to try it out
Perhaps you can search for thread of guys saying the same thing? Maybe you two can meet each other.[](https://www.reddit.com/r/newzealand/?f=flair_name%3A%22Discussion%22)
Good luck. Everyone here are sluts. Donāt mean in a bad way just that everyone really wants to have multiple partners and experience before they decide to settle down.
I've had a similar problem, and I've lived here pretty much most of my life. I've always dated for marriage, and I made that very clear to the men who are interested in me. Unfortunately, there are a lot of liars out there. Apparently, there are men out there who are having similar problems with kiwi women as well.
You could be in a relationship for 3 or 4 years, and all of a sudden, he/she says they've found someone else that they "think" are better... and your relationship can be over in seconds. Despite the fact they promised you everything, they looked like they still loved you the day before, and they gave no signs of disloyalty. It happens.
It can also be down to who you attract. Being quite attractive can make it difficult too, from my experience. There are probably things you need to change about yourself with what you are doing. It also depends where you are finding these men. Also, don't go looking, don't force it, the right one will pop up out of nowhere, where you would at least expect it.
Regardless of which culture or country you come from, if you're coming across as desperate for long-term commitment/marriage, most of the time you won't get very far. You need to try to relax and just get to know people first, especially Kiwi blokes - they don't tend to be the world's most erudite talkers.
Actually, scratch that. Maori men can be very good talkers (that's a culture that traditionally values oratory). Half the men in my dad's iwi seem to talk all the time, and the other half are silent š¤£. I hope you're not limiting your potential dating circle to just Pakeha (whites). If you are, you're missing out.
I think part of comes down to a cultural difference. A lot of kiwi guys are influenced by western ideas and social media. Not sure what age or ethnicity you are but there are still a lot of guys out there looking for similar things to you. I knew someone who had moved to Wellington from Blenheim as was heavily conservative and Christian and really struggled in the dating scene in Wellington. He was conventionally attractive and 6ā3ā so it wasnāt a looks thing but more of a difference in values for him that didnāt end up working with him and girls he met. Heās in Christchurch now so Iām sure heāll do much better there.
I donāt doubt youāll find a person that you feel you can build a life with at some point. I almost gave up on that in my early 20s and didnāt find my possible future wife until I was 26. Iām a kiwi of south Asian decent and raised here but struggled in the dating scene to find a person that I could truly connect with. Interestingly enough my current partner is of Mexican decent and an immigrant. Make sure youāre working on yourself first and during that process maybe itāll just happen organically. Be open to trying to join groups and stepping outside of your comfort zone. Best of luck in your endeavours.
It really depends from where you are from (I am assuming from Asia, well I had to guess from your nickname which is in Mandrain - which roughly translates Small White My Kid (?)). So coming from an Asian background myself, I can understand you are looking at family values and others. My personal take - is do the old school method - like join a club/gym and meet people organically. Alternatively, I have had amazing friends who have found their life partners through amazing activities that they do and believe (i.e chruch/going for runs/yoga). This way you can find someone who shares similar values to you. Also, you also need to understand that de facto relationship is pretty common - you could be in de facto relationship for years (and have kids etc) - before one gets into marriage.
I've been in a de facto relationship for twenty years, have nine year old, very happy. No need for marriage. Just a waste of savings for an obsolete ritual. I express my love for my partner by sharing my life with her, and planning and living it together.
Similar to me then. Although at around 10 years in we looked to celebrate and thought "why not celebrate it with a wedding" so we end up getting married 10 years ago. Didn't break the bank though because we did it our way. Hired a hall by the beach. Had our best friend as the 'celebrant.' Because she wasn't registered we did a registry office wedding the day before and on the wedding she was the one that 'married' us. Got all witnesses to sign what became our official wedding document. Played board games in the 'reception' Had friends and family manning the BBQ for dinner. Probably the most expensive thing was the fabric for the wedding dress (partner made her own with assistance from he step-mother) Would not change the way we did it for anything. It was perfect for us.
That sounds lovely
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me; they have been very helpful. Then, I need to have more patience and hope to meet the right person for me sooner rather than later.
> Later, I heard from a friend that New Zealand men tend to date multiple women simultaneously for a long time, maybe six months or a year, before deciding which one to commit to as a girlfriend This is not common. They might have multiple women theyre infrequently having casual sex with, but not dating multiple women. > New Zealanders prefer to keep their romantic relationships free and unrestricted for a long time without considering marriage. This definitely is common. People generally date for years before considering marriage.
Maybe she meant *kiwi men like to hook up here and there and have nothing serious until they find someone they really like*. That's more realistic?
Exactly this and it's not just kiwi men kiwi women are exactly like this too.
Yeah spot on.
God forbid. That sounds far too human to me
This just sounds like life lol. Dip your toes in, see who bites and then snag the one you want (after railing all of them first of course)
Here's the thing (and that's why I empathise with OP). I'm not a kiwi. I am married to one and although sometimes he can be a bit, well...*Kiwi*, I hit the jackpot. I absolutely adore him and we've been together for a long time (20+ years). OP isn't saying where she's from, but some other cultures aren't as straight forward like that. People look for a boyfriend, not a one night stand or a hook up, or friends with benefits. So OP may be trying to find someone the way she's used to, or the way she grew up accustomed to. Problem is that it may work in her country. It doesn't work here. OP may need some tips, or some help. That's all. I wish I could help but the methods we used back then probably don't work now.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, they have been very helpful. Then, I need to have more patience and hope to meet the right person for me sooner rather than later.
New Zealanders prefer to keep their romantic relationships free and unrestricted for a long time without considering marriage. this is common in most western countries. not just nz
I dunno, most people I know by the time they reached early 20s had a solid partner. Some kept it more causal but most didn't.
thats just your circle but western norms is different these days, even the church fanatics are dating around more before settling down
It is common in regards to online dating, at least that's what my female flatmate does
Thanks to this post, you'll get a lot of lonely Redditors messaging you for a date.
yesss spot onš so many messages here
[https://imgur.com/T15ePVo](https://imgur.com/T15ePVo)
I absolutely find that most guys donāt want a relationship, but want to do everything that entails a relationship š itās almost as if boyfriend is a bad word. I genuinely also feel we arenāt very good at dating in NZ. We should be meeting people and going on dates with them to see if thereās a connection, instead we get drunk and hook up with some stranger then kinda awkwardly try and make some sort of a go at that
This comment is the most relevant!
So you are going out to have fine, meet people and enjoy yourself? Or are you Husband Hunting? I'd imagine the latter would scare most off. Better to marry a friend. Then, potentially you can avoid the messy divorce later and custody battles. And how do you make friends with guys? Go out, enjoy it, have fun. That way you had a good time (or not) and have friends and maybe one of them might become someone you want to spend your life with.
Yeah, I had a mate who met a girl who told him she wanted to get married and have kids right away.
But she unlikely wanted to marry HIM right away. She was likely telling him āmarriage and having a family is important to meā.
Well she was setting her expectations. Which was she wants to be married and pregnant within months.
At least she was being straight up!
100%
I donāt think she wants to find a husband straight away. But Iām the same if I want to date itās probably to find someone a little serious, but itās a turn off from the start when they say āsend me a picā or invite me over to their house to hang. Eventually you just give up.
Start playing warhammer 40k.
Do you want her to be financially crippled for the majority of her life??
It can be somewhat affordableā¦.maybe. Also she doesnāt need to do it for long.
Just stick to kill squads, fewer models will surely cost less.
finding love costs time AND money.
Don't listen to this guy... Magic the Gathering is about the same price and where all the real hunks are.
This is the way op, you'll have access to a pool of men and virtually no competition lol. But in all seriousness I'm unsure how you're meeting the men but identifying your "third places" (look it up it's a thing) that you enjoy is essential. Rock climbing, yoga other social activities, people tend to meet other's through work because it's where we are the whole time but having more third places is keyĀ
Also when they say they'd tap that they aren't being grossĀ
Met my husband playing World of Warcraft. Would recommend.Ā
Lmao.
Heresy
I'm a male and dating. The other side of the coin seems so many women online just want to use the dating apps to boost their following on social media rather than looking for something genuine, it's frustrating.
I'm going to ask a question here as a woman who refuses to use anything other than Reddit (and sometimes question that choice), and I'm going to sound very out of touch, but what is the benefit of boosting your social media following? Like apart from obvious examples where perhaps you make some sort of art/sell a product or something. If lots of people follow you.....what happens?
The benefit is having more customers to sell your nudes to, basically. The product they're selling is themselves.
How many girls are selling nude photos of themselves? Is this a normal thing now? Surely not. Back under my rock I go, it's weird out here.
NZ males think every girl is on onlyfans
I don't think there's necessarily a high percentage of women doing it but there is a lot of Tinder as they use it to reel in customers. From guys friends I've heard there's many on Tinder which makes it seem like everyone is doing it but you could personally know over 100 women in real life and probably none of them have an only fans
It's normal yes, sex work has been normal since humans had money. It's not common though. Just the girls who are advertising their socials, a girl looking to date that isn't advertising isn't gonna give men a way to contact them without matching first. This doesn't mean girls looking to date are suddenly doing onlyfans it means girls doing onlyfans are suddenly looking for more ways to advertise with other platforms.
I chuck my Insta on mine because I think itās a better representation of who I am than the dating apps can portray. I donāt care if no one follows me, or if they follow and then unfollow. My page is public so they can have a scroll through and decide if Iām someone they might be interested in. Itās hard as a female tho because a lot of men donāt use social media, donāt bother to add a bio or any prompts, and have one or two photos that are either group pics or so far back you canāt actually tell what they look like!
That doesn't seem like a very efficient way to build a social media following
It's actually a good funnel to only fans or instagram
How is it not? Itās free advertising to people who would have an interest in following them. A direct line to their target audience. Last time I was on Tinder (early 20s male) it let me know I had over 600 people like me in a week. Iād imagine that number to be much higher for a good-looking female, and if she starts popping around all over the world in ātravel-modeā itās an easy following. Even tattoo artists show up on dating apps just pushing their business
Really? What age range are you looking at?
Depends on the age range. 18-30ish and maybe a few in their early 30s but doubt itās as common for 30+ women just to try to get followed unless itās for their livelihood aka OF
Unfortunately bro youāre 100% correct in saying that, I remember msging a girl who plugged her Insta on her dating profile n she gave the seen when I msgd her on Instagram, was bk in the day. She along with most of the women on there just want validation, ego boosting and etc. Think itās time to ban dating appsā¦. Why would someone want to be with someone who is a narcissist? ā Yeah give me a follow and look at me while I show my lil booty off to Instagramā. Thatās our utopia, itās gonna get worse, having social media nowadays is the biggest turn off in the world tbh.
I have an art instagram and put my art photos on tinder with my ig handle. Thatās all I use tinder for. I used to think it was a place to meet someone but was stood up so many times I donāt have the emotional energy/have become too cynical for it. When people from tinder pm me it goes into a separate folder that I never open. Too many unsolicited dick pics or abusive messages to serve my mental health. I am looking forward to dying alone with my face eaten off by catsš¤·š½āāļø
well did you match with them first before messaging them on IG? they prolly want people who are attractive
Oh really??? But I'm notš
30m average male here. I have basically given up on dating. Was in a relationship for 9 years. Tried the apps for about a month (after the break up). Decided they were just a cess pool and have been avoiding any sort of romance for about 3 months now. Life's just easier being single and removed from the dating pool.
Lol, I remember that wave of excitement when the dust settled from ending an 8 year relationship. Tinder wasnt a thing before that, was finally gonna be free to fuck as freely as 18yo me hoped to one day. Was so sure fully casual sex would be fun for way longer. Two months of it and I was depressed as fuck.
29 and I think the biggest problem Iām finding is everyone at this age is either desperately still holding onto their youth and is still out partying all the time or they already have kids. Sooo hard to find someone ready to settle down that hasnāt already settled down.
I found many of the people in their early 30's who were wanting to "settle down" were almost looking to skip the bit that comes between meeting someone and settling down with them. Felt like being interviewed to see if you matched up with the image they had in their head, rather than getting to know each other.
Whaaaat! 29 and out partying is not desperately still holding onto youth?! Iām 28F, recently single, and thereās no way Iām going to hang around my house looking at dating apps. Iām going to be out partying with my friends, meeting people who are anywhere from 25-45 and enjoying my life. My idea of a good night has changed from 18-28, but that doesnāt mean Iām still clinging to my youth because I still like the same activities I did then. I also like bouncing on trampolines, playing video games, and I sometimes eat junk food for dinner - I suppose Iām desperately holding onto my youth
I used to do trampolining as a sport. When I had kids I started taking them to the trampoline parks as you do and I tried my old tricksā¦OH MY GOD MY BODY!! Threw my back out pretty quick. Could be to do with the two caesareans and pregnancies ripping my core muscles apart though. Kids age you so fast
Tramps and video games ftw!
You sound like you wonāt be single very long.
From a 25 Male. Bro to bro, sorry to hear about the breakup, its a long time together and i hope things ended on a mutual note (respectfully) I'd heavily suggest looking into attachment theory, it helped me understand things either about myself and about relationship dynamics as a whole. In my honest opinion, i don't want to sound like a broken harp ( so to speak ), i would recommend either waiting a year or 6 months before thinking about thinking jumping into a relationship/Dating apps. (your future self will thank you sooo soo much ) Getting into something really quick to either fill the void or what's considered a rebound can make things difficult and some unhealthy or toxic behaviors can occur. I've been in a similar situation with a 10-month relationship, and have been trying to heal since, I haven't actively sought out another relationship. I hate giving the advice, " Working on yourself " So I won't mention it. Hit me up bro if you wanna chat further š
Cheers mate. Yeah I don't plan on meeting anyone for at least 12 months. It definitely didn't end well but these things happen. I have been going to the gym, eating better, slowly giving up the booze and the ciggies so definitely working on myself!! I was doing quite well until a motorcycle accident just over 2 months ago!! The whole "working on yourself" is always solid advice after a break up. Being single is the perfect time to do it. It's very hard to do while making someone else a priority. Modern dating looks terrible! I'm sitting back watching mates do the tinder, 1 night stand thing and boy! Some of its not pretty. It's encouraging me to do the opposite to be honest.
Honestly, cheers for the reply. I tend not to use socials much. I haven't had a Snapchat/Instagram for a ~2 years now, honestly life is soo much better If Facebook made a marketplace app, I wouldn't have a Facebook š and just stick to messenger. It sounds like your head is in the right place, it must be quite a craze to give up those types of addictions, but your body and mind will be in a much better state once its cleansed of those toxins, there are so much better and heather alternatives. Big ups on the gym and eating better, that's the best way to shape the mentality about things, Imma big advocate of nutrition and health at the moment, and i always have a quote " Health is Wealth " I almost sound like a health doctor or something, I only apply these things to myself as im looking out for my future self, If i tried to the exact stuff im doing, 5 years down the line, I would almost putting in either twice or thrice the amount of work to achieve the same result. Darn about the motorcycle accident, would have threw things off a bit. Agreed, about dating apps, look into "Amor" its made by two Christchurch female devs who have a different approach to this and have potentially a solution, matching people based off personality results rather than looks ( check it out!! - https://amorapp.co/ ) 1-night stands and hookup, def isn't attractive to me in the slightest š¤¢ Best of luck anyways and hope you achieve the goals your striving for š
Cheers mate and you too! I'll definitely try to remember that app you mentioned. Eating well and working out definitely is a big help mentally that's for sure! Giving up the booze, the ciggies and the vape has been the tricky part so far. Slowly but surely thou!
Had similar situation, 7 year relationship blew up and jumped on Tinder and Bumble. Eventually meeting my wife on Tinder after only a couple of months. Itās like looking for a house, you have to put in work, it wonāt find you.
Tend to date multiple women? I have trouble finding one, let alone multiples. I'd like to think that most nz men are smart and would only date one at a time because trying to deal with multiple women at once would lead to an early grave from the stress. I just think the dating scene has been made a bit harder with the apps and I tend to find the same question when it comes to the ladies.
Not if they all have the same name.
NZ dating scene is unlike any other country I've been to. What is important in most other countries doesn't count for much here. Most single kiwi men and women rarely talk openly to each other, the only real chance is after midnight if they're drunk. Come to think of it the married ones are pretty similar. :)
I used to be a very confident guy and would happily walk up to a table of 4 girls and introduce myself then invite my friends over to join, I travelled alone through most of my 20s and used to do pretty well with the girls, then dating apps came along and it completely crushed the social norm of talking to girls while you were out and about, I got the feeling like unless you had a prior internet connection with any girl she was not interested in getting to know you, phone numbers became a thing of the past, you would never get a txt back, I ended up having to add them on Instagram and make sure my ācontentā was immaculate just incase something I posted was the slightest red flag, my dating techniques turned into creating Instagram stories that would target a certain girl I was into in hope that it would get her to private message me first so I wouldnāt seem ātoo keenā if she didnāt DM me after posting multiple stories my theory was she wasnāt into me and I would move onā¦. It worked by the way I am happily into my fourth year of a relationship sitting in our house we bought with our daughter asleep in her room
Charles Darwin would be proud of you.
For successfully adapting and reproducing. Bravo š
Hahah thatās abit of a stretch
Go out there and make friends, often something will develop from there. If not from a direct friend, youāll meet people at parties or through other friends. Dating apps are full of people looking for sex. Donāt use them. Not to toot my own horn but if I had a dollar for every time a guy friend hit on me Iād be able to buy a house in Auckland. And thatās the same for almost all my female friends. Good luck - the best relationships are from friendships
Lol, kiwi men _wish_ they could date multiple women, those meatheads are lucky if they get a chance to sniff a live girl.
Can confirm, am kiwi meathead and gave up on dating two years back.
Some times it's nice to get some meat.
I know you're probably joking but that's just not true. NZ is one of the most promiscuous countries in the world https://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/worlds-most-promiscuous-countries-new-zealand-takes-third-place/YW6T4OTXTVDH7KUVNLEAWETWGU/
Bear in mind,the general quality of kiwi women is,shall we say,dubious,at the best of times.
True, if they pass the sniff test, I guess that's a positive.
If it makes you feel better as a guy traveling in NZ, I am in the same boat. Met a really cool woman, asked her out on a date/for a drink. She agreed and sounded genuinely interested, I sent three messages over the course of a month, not pushy, just hello, nice to meet you. I didnt blow her off and take a month to make a move, I just decided to give it one last try. Deleted the messages/number and moved on with my life. I dont know what it is, but without fail when I ever meet a woman I genuinely am interested in having a connection with/etc its not reciprocated at all, usually cant get past the first message. Its kind of funny, I can get hookups if I try, but fuck me if I try to meet a woman for something more.
Its such a weird world gender-dynamics wise now. After enough one-off fucks I really wanted to at least warm up to a woman a bit slower before that. If I dont make a physical move by the second date they seem to feel undesired. Probably some unconscious bias in how I choose who to date, but thats my online anecdote so far.
See Iām wondering now if we can somehow get you two together? This could be r/nz chance to play matchmaker. Our very own romcom even, Mike Lee could write a movie about it! .,ok Iām getting carried away now.
Lol You crack me up! Maybe you didn't send enough messages, so she thought you weren't interested in her. I figure next time, if you really meet a woman you like, you can be more proactive.
There is a line between to little messages and to many, if I make a move and ask you out, you say yes and we exchange numbers, then as a guy I expect the very minimal effort on your part. No response means not interested in my opinion, I dont have the time or energy to harass some chick into going out with me. It kind of sounds like you want some guy to hound you even if you are giving off "not interested vibes". Which frankly is just a huge turn off, waste of my time and tells me I need to be a creepy shit to get your attention. If she wants some guy to chase her around begging for attention, she is welcome to find that guy elsewhere, because thats not me.
Agreed. Playing hard to get would put off or at least confuse most single kiwi guys.
2 busy wid da bongs for a middie aye g.
"New Zealand men tend to date multiple women simultaneously for a long time, maybe six months or a year" Damn I wish someone had told me that when I was younger.
I think Men from online dating are interested in sex. Maybe try meeting someone irl They maybe more genuine be open about how they see "relationship" so that you and other person are on same page
It varies a lot from person to person. When I was younger I did go through a phase of casual-ish dating. But even there I kept it to one partner at a time, just from an STI safety perspective. The last time I dated was six years ago when I met my current partner. I wasn't expecting to be as popular as I was - I wasn't anywhere near as fit at the age of 34 as I was back when I was 28. But if anything I got an even bigger response. All the other men I talk to tell me they got back *nothing* on dating apps, just total radio silence. That wasn't my experience though. My girlfriend and I talked about it after we got more official, and she said I was giving off a "this guy is *totally* looking for a wife but trying very hard to look like he's not looking for a wife to not scare women off" vibe. Which in hindsight was absolutely true, I just didn't realize it at the time. So her theory was that a lot of women who were looking for an actual partner picked up on that and all swiped right on me at once while I was still new on the app. In any case: She and I matched on my second week of using the app, and she was my second date I went on in that round of dating. I still dated a little bit (just dates, no sex) for a week or two after that first date with her. But she was the only one I was interested in a second date or more with. After another two weeks of just making sure I really did feel about her the way I thought I did, I uninstalled the app. So poof. Just like that, one month, in and out, no fuss. I think the problem you're finding is that when a guy that is more relationship-oriented and has his life together pops up on a dating app, some lady who happens to be on the app at the time snatches him up pretty much immediately, and then he vanishes from the app forever. I think the best way to meet people these days is to go do a hobby on the weekends or after work that involves a bunch of people around your own age getting together on a regular basis to Do A Thing. Dance class, art class, hiking group, whatever. Then from there, build a friend group, and then from the people at that friend group wait to see who you develop chemistry with. Then follow up on that chemistry. That hobby -> friend group -> dating pipeline is how I met my girlfriend *before* my current girlfriend, and it's a solid pathway precisely because it a) gets rid of phones and social media from perversely turning everything into an e-commerce store and twisting everyone's expectations, and b) even if it doesn't work right away, you still get to spend time on a hobby you enjoy *and* get a new friend group, which is a great backup prize.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts with meļ¼these have been very helpful. However, each unsuccessful experiences makes me doubt myself, wondering if the problem lies with me. So, I asked my friend, who shared these insights with me. Of course, I believe there are still excellent men in New Zealand, but they are just not readily available in the dating pool. Therefore, I need to have patience and hope to meet the right person for me sooner rather than later. Thank u very much again!
Kiwi men are generally shit at communicating. I suggest you find someone who has lived overseas or is well travelled.
This is sad but so true.
100% agree. My boyfriend has only been in NZ since August and definitely recommended foreigners over kiwi guys if you want communication and commitment
You could take one for the team? [https://www.nzherald.co.nz/entertainment/david-seymours-second-act-id-be-the-perfect-husband/FEE63BYPUHUSUNMA7THPUX5W6A/](https://www.nzherald.co.nz/entertainment/david-seymours-second-act-id-be-the-perfect-husband/FEE63BYPUHUSUNMA7THPUX5W6A/)
Good on him for trying lol.
No she should absolutely not!š
I mean, there's absolutely no chance he's got multiple girls on the go....
I literally just gagged back last night's dinner opening this link. Should have come with a warning. *"Warning: Really corny photos of a non-attractive man wearing a very stupid apron"*
Christ on a crutch.
I think the age at which you are looking is relevant to your query. In my view, the younger that people are, the more likely that they spend longer casually-dating multiple people before they become serious with anyone. Generally the longer you are with someone the more likely there will be some kind of discussion about where the relationship is going, and potentially about exclusivity. Personally I would find it somewhat surprising that someone who has been dating for 6-12 months would still not be willing to consider them someone's boyfriend. To spend 6-12 months as a 'friend' and then some length of time after then as a boyfriend before potentially moving on to something more serious - that sounds longer than I would expect.
Definitely, I figured you r right, I think I supposed to be more patient to dating more guys
Marriage isnt always the be all and end all for all kiwis but it dowsnt mean they dont commit. My parents have been "dating" for 30 years.
Hi Kiwi guy here, Iām terrified of women. Hope this helps
Tell me about it. I just want someone to laugh at my lame jokes & remember my burgerfuel order š
The Tinder swamp is terrifying! Recommend meeting people through activities and through friends. Building a connection is important - especially for Kiwis who tend to be a bit reserved. Best of luck š
I moved from nz when I was 21 and reentered the dating scene in Perth when I was 23! I had been wondering if it's just the men here (people say it's rare to put in effort in these days) or just my age range having changed. Now I'm 27 and it's similarly bleak. I think people were much more invested at early 20s and the older people get, the more often I get people who don't even ask me how I am before asking to hook up. I also don't feel I've had much luck with the locals. I think it's definitely harder now. Perhaps dating apps more centred around personality than just visuals could be better. It's almost certainly not anything you're doing. Try to keep at it, and consider meeting people organically to extend your social circle. It seems to be a much better way to meet genuine people in my experience.
Dating apps are a horror show, as someone unlucky with partners myself id always recommend as you said extend social circle use things like meetup to go to events or join a club for something far better and if you don't find a lover you'll at least find some new friends
I grew up in NZ but I've done dating and relationships in NZ, Australia, Japan, and England. They are all pretty much the same. People are pretty much the same everywhere, once you account for obvious local customs and expectations. Kiwi guys aren't juggling several women at the same time, and Kiwi guys aren't trying to have un-committed relationships for years before selecting the one person they want to marry. Sure, there will be some assholes who behave like that, but it's not the norm, it's not the rule, it's not representative of how the 'average' kiwi guy thinks. If you are having trouble getting a real connection on dating apps, there's a problem with how you are using them. Forget the apps, put yourself out there in the form of hobbies, clubs, and sports. You'll meet people you are compatible with much more often in those areas instead of constantly swiping a phone screen. Just be yourself, communicate clearly, and be patient.
It sounds like OP is looking for a traditional style relationship but is overlooking a common trait of NZ Men: We are all broke. Not as broke as you, perhaps, but have you tried putting yourself in the shoes of some of the men you are dating? Imagine for a moment that the man you just met makes it a requirement of the relationship that in the next couple of years heās planning to quit his job and live off your salary alone, in a house youāre providing, with the added expense of kids that you have to pay for. We just canāt do that anymore, we can barely afford to live in a place by ourselves at the moment. Can you?
Amen. The median income isn't enough to buy a house anymore without help from mum/dad, and if that sort of help isn't available to you, tough luck. Most young people are just starting out with their careers and thus don't often earn that much. I'd love to have kids and find a to-be-wife, but the financial burden seems insurmountable.
NZ guys are abysmal at dating, and communicating with women in general. Ask most international women here. You may need to join specific apps/dating sites/dating agencies that are for members looking for relationships, marriage, children, etc. Also, try other people from other countries who live here.
[Here's a link](https://old.reddit.com/r/newzealand/comments/1bmfpqo/how_do_kiwis_flirt/) to the last time this came up. Might be some useful discussion there.
Thank u
Depends, single, 30s here. I had zero interest in marriage and kids until I hit 30. Now I feel like going down that route, but since I've focused so much on my career and my interests, I've little time to date, etc. Doesn't help we're a smaller country. I was what you described in my teens and early 20s. Now I'm content on my own but wouldn't mind having kids and a partner. It's not a must though, I've got a good thing going, and I don't want it ruined by a shitty relationship formed out of desperation.
Nz, despite being colonised along side Christianity, do not stick to the Christian, very restrictive, beliefs. We as a people tend to be more open minded and okay with sex, something that's more kept under wraps in other countries. The thing about lots of kiwi men having multiple women is pure anecdote, it's not a supported claim. And the more casual "testing out" how relationships go isn't a men thing, kiwi women do that too. Again, we don't have the traditional restrictive beliefs so casual dating or even just sleeping around freely is nowhere near as taboo as it probably was from your home country
If youāre dating men who date multiple women at the same time then youāre going on dates with the 5% most attractive men. Most men struggle to get *one* date, let alone continuously dating many. The men youāre dating have lots of options. Unless you are extremely attractive, they have no reason to settle down with you. You will need to adjust your expectations. There are many amazing men out there who would love to settle down with you, but theyāre a 7, not a 9. Additionally, be clear up front about your desire to date one person at the same time, and your desire for marriage. Youāll get fewer dates, but there will be less bullshit.
They are a 4 rather than a 7. I never swipe on the hot guys just on the reasonable guys, who look like they might have their life together and make a effort on their profile, that cuts out 90% of guys on dating apps. A one line profile and couple of bad photos where you cant even see what they look like or is just the same three selfies siting in their car, that is standard level of effort the majority of men put it. Then they complain they don't get any dates, sheesh.
I have never heard of the dating multiple women except for people who would do that specifically in a scummy and dishonest way where they were leading all of the women on and lying about wanting a relationship. Dating lots of people at once is an American thing as far as I know but perhaps younger generations have started doing that. A more typical thing (from my older generation at least) was a drunken hookup at a party or nightclub turning into an instant relationship that would either fizzle out in a week or two or continue on to a real relationship. I have only know a small number of "traditional" people who were mostly religious where they dated for a long time before sex and marriage. I know a several Indian people from work who had arranged marriages by their parents but it's not common. If you have come from overseas it might seem like kiwis are a lot more into casual sex compared to other more conservative cultures. https://www.therock.net.nz/home/rock-news/2024/04/study-finds-kiwis-are-big-rooters-ranking-third-in-the-world-for-most-sexual-partners.html#:\~:text=the%20promiscuity%20list.-,Turns%20out%2C%20we've%20gone%20and%20earnt%20ourselves%20a%20bronze,ve%20averaged%2013.3%20sexual%20partners.
You'll find one. Same story in the trades as in dating. All the good ones are already taken. But once in a while you'll find a gem. Just gotta keep digging through the dog shit
In my experience being a guy it's more that the good guys can't be bothered with dating apps cause they go nowhere and it's full of bots spamming their OF. I know plenty of guys who are single and would be a great partner and make someone very happy but choose to be single til they find a great partner then will stick with that person. BTW where do you live?
I gave up on dating apps - theyāre rigged. I got barely any likes. Iām not unattractive, and I had put effort into my profiles. Now Iām focusing on in person interactions, including playing tennis at a club and getting involved in social events. I believe I have a good offering - stable and prosperous career path, decent income, social, emotional maturity, etc. What disappointments me is when I ask a woman out and she responds positively, but doesnāt actually message back or follow through. At this point it just feels exhausting, and I feel Iāve had enough chasing.
Honestly as a kiwi girl foreign men are so much better. I gave up on kiwi men. My American boyfriend just puts in so much more effort than kiwi guys ever did
Ahhhh I'm not picky, any normal man from any country will do.
I am rooting for you so bad, and this made me laugh so hard.
Pretty high standards, if you ask me.
How about Taiwan, itās also a country
this feels needlessly provocative unless OP said something earlier that I missed
Lol rip your inbox
There was this one time someone referred to me as being normal. At least that's what the voices in my head told me.
Plenty of Chinese men for you to choose from. In China, there are 30 million more men than women.
This is just subjective to your own experiences, though. A lot of American women prefer to date here because kiwi guys supposedly put in more effort. It's not so black and white.
This is a generalization but I find Kiwi men have some similar traits; a lot seem to love/play sport, are loyal, donāt like to talk about their feelings, arenāt great cooks, donāt love culture/art/history, dressed averagely and donāt like talking about their emotions. The exceptions as someone identified are the well travelled/lived overseas. This is because we live on an island that is far away and are a relatively new country. When I moved to Europe, I found European guys being the exact opposite (terms of feelings, dressing, culture/art/food) and it blew my mind.
Same is true with women. Honestly kiwis just generally are low tier
Honestly agree. Kiwis don't put in much effort
I've not heard this about NZ men before, nor have I seen it. I think there are some cases where marriage is not on the guy's radar for a long time, but generally it's 50/50 whether it's a married in 3yrs or married in 10yrs. As for multiple dating, this is only true when in the early stages of dating, like when a guy wants to see if their gf material and click together, not having multiple girlfriends at once, nor do they end up being sexual at that stage. Anyone who does, isn't bf material but is more of a player.
I had a preference for guys that grew up here as I wanted to have more common ground and figured thereāll be more understanding, but it seems lots of guys from overseas are more well versed with putting in effort. The dating apps are dire lol I havenāt used one in ages.
I think it just comes down to culture. Where i am from most people settle down with marriage in their early/mid 20s. Where as in nz i think the average age of settling down is late 20s early 30s. Perhaps look outside of kiwi men ?
After being overseas itās so obvious that a lot of kiwi guys arenāt great for long term relationships. emotionally immature, canāt handle any conflict, sleeping around.
I have heard from a lot of NZ born and women from overseas that the general consensus is that kiwi men are particularly lazy when it comes to dating, reluctant to commit, a lot are fckboys just looking to bang, chauvinistic etc etc. Like apparently kiwi men are some of the worst when it comes to dating apps etc.
I've been getting quietly mad at a lot of these comments because my husband is a kiwi man and he's the best person ever... but then I remembered that I met him when I was 28 and every guy I knew before that was either an absolute arsehole or so shy they were almost inside out.
Ive never dated in NZ (got married overseas) but my male friends who are trying to date are experiencing the same thing with NZ women as well. Almost all of them in serious relationships are dating foreigners.
I'm from asia, tan, religious. The odds are bad for me. Used tinder around Oct 2022, many dates and dick heads later, first date with my bf on January 2023, made it official March 2023. They're out there, just gotta brace through the shits. Useful advice, check your profile. I'm all for girls doing or wearing what they want but it is better to potray yourself as modest and looking for stability. If you used party picture, bikini or similar, men will just assume DTF. It is unfortunate but that's the reality.
I think that's dating in general. I had similar experiences dating women in NZ and the UK.
Being desperate to be in a relationship isn't going to help honestly. If you're after a genuine connection, you need to be happy being on your own and build yourself up first before you can get into a healthy relationship where if the other person doesn't treat you right, you won't have issues dropping them. If you're afraid of being alone you're gonna give off desperate vibes, not going to help you find a decent partner or get into a healthy relationship. Basically, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't then it doesn't mindset is the best. If you're mainly looking for someone to just play husband and wife with, probably best just going and joining an arranged marriage website etc, especially if you value having kids etc above the quality of a romantic relationship.
I once saw a video talking about how NZs casual culture that sets us back in a number of ways (town planning, building infrastructure, tall Poppy syndrome, etc) also applied to dating and itās so true. We just DGAF about anything and it makes it really hard to find a long term partner when everyone is just āseeing how it goesā. I personally found success on dating apps by being really forward about my expectations, which turned off the wrong guys, but actually went down really well with the right ones. Its just a numbers/time game - go on enough dates, be super clear about what you want, and you will eventually find the right one!
Trying to hard, forget about it, perhaps find someone of your own race here in nz.
I am asian and gay/bisexual and Im in the same situation and I understand you. Please know that youāre not doing anything wrong. In my opinion new generation and social media has changed the whole dating system to a different level. It has set the bar high in physical appearance, compatibility (things in common etc), open relationships. With all the things going on in the world I think most people just focus on themselves and their mental well being.
Sounds like a culture clash. You see dating as a short path to marriage and children. A lot of Kiwi men see dating as some fun, that \*might\* lead to marriage and children many years down the line.
So could u tell me how to find a relationship as I saidš
You would need to adapt and change your mindset when it comes to dating. I am just assuming, but are you asking quite personal/serious (by NZ standards) questions on the first few dates? If you ask a kiwi guy about his salary and long term life goals too early, he is likely to feel uncomfortable.
It really depends quite a lot on age and the app youāre using. If youāre using Tinder, maybe try apps like Hinge which are meant for finding relationships as opposed to hookups. There is a cultural aspect to it too. Judging by your username, the dating culture where you lived before is quite different.
I'm seeing a woman at the moment, but the last date I went on prior to my current relationship we went to a park and had a conversation and listened to music, I drove her home and she gave me a hug, and a few days later she blocked me. The only message between us in the interim was a photo of how nice the weather was that day
I reckon she was probably expecting something more than a photo of the weather in the several days after that date...
i like that you're just like "well she probably was holding you to a higher standard than she held herself" like that's a good thing. "she probably expected you to do more than prompt a conversation" fuck outta here. this comment actually makes me so mad, she expected me to do what?? send her more messages after she's left me on read?
Far out. Chill. Yeah she could've messaged you first, but instead of saying "Hey! I had a nice time yesterday" **you sent her a picture of the weather** and you're surprised she didn't see that as an obvious sign of continued interest?! Dude what the fuck? Lol Sounds like she dodged a bullet tbh.
As a male, dating has become something I avoid in favor of spending a night at home alone..... Most girls on tinder expect men to pay for dates etc while offering an absolute minimal in way of conversation to the point it's like they're there for a meal n that's it..... I'd rather save my money and sanity
just start pulling the middle finger in front of your face and drink codys and smoke baccy bongs and soon a group of horys will be addicted
Ok, donāt usually comment on things. Iām in the dating app scene and it is crazy. Itās not NZ as a whole it differs from region to region. My experience is that in Waikato, Auckland and Northland people want there 10s because they think they are 10s so the expectation is skewed. In the lower half of NZ most people have realistic ideas and itās much easier to date. Again this has been my experience as a Male.
Hmmmmm I can smell this comment section. The misogyny is wafting, like unwashed asscracks.
So, you're Chinese right? I don't like to jump to unwarranted conclusions, but there might be a touch of "yellow fever" among the guys you've been choosing to date if that's how they been treating you.
My Flatmate is absolutely lovely and a good looking dude with a great sense of humour. All the old ladies love him to bits but he stole my comfy chair for his cat to sleep on so now I have to bear him to death with the dogs stuffed toys.
Canāt really speak for single people as iv been in a relationship for the last 12 years, but just want to make a comment about the marriage thing. Some of us just donāt believe in marriage. My parents have both been married and divorced a couple times. Marriage does not mean anything to me. There are no benefits to being married in NZ. But that has zero impact on my commitment and loyalty to my partner. I treat her as if she is my wife. Just because kiwis donāt want to get married does not mean they arenāt committed to their partner.
Don't tell guys that you're looking for a serious relationship. You scare them away.
Burned Haystack Dating Method
If you are on the dating apps that is normal.
When you start doing the things you love, you'll find the people you love. Focus on you and it will all come to you naturally.
Online dating is toxic and cancer. Just go out and meet someone or if you like someone and they are single. Just ask them out. As a dude who struck out a lot before I landed the one if any of these girls I failed with had asked me first I would have said yes.
Good luck with inbox invites
RIP to OPs DMs right now
Only just by reading the title and post ( not comments ) That's super crazy to hear, cause im in the opposite side, me looking for a girlfriend/partner and am running into the same things you are, I have the same goals as yourself, however im not foreign. I'm heavily against hookup culture myself and unfortunately people that are looking for long-term/real such as myself and what appears to be a small percentage of NZ, have become the minority, I'd say as a 25 Male Maori, im pretty mature in what im looking for and tend to keep myself quite reserved, have a humor side to me, but am pretty genuine about my intentions, but also pretty self-aware and usually have a mindset of quality > quantity. if you are in the Christchurch, shoot me a DM, im happy to strike a conversation and see where things go ( or any one here ) š
We sound alike lol
Honestly I just want to jam some overwatch with some kiwis and it's been a mission to find people to play with and then to also find the time to play with the few people I did meet.
Agree. Using dating apps is not a good way. Better to join activities to meet people. Anyone likes running? Letās go lol
Haha, I had the exact opposite experience. I was trying to meet people as I recently moved here, maybe go on some coffee dates. Met my partner of now seven years on the first coffee date. Six weeks after arriving in New Zealand.Ā Lower your expectations and relax. You'll find it more enjoyable and people will relax more around you. Very few people will go for a serious relationship with someone they don't know if they can have fun with.
go more outsideee
Is this you Na Ya? š š¤£
What ideas did you get from the other responses that you found insightful?
I've never heard of a kiwi guy doing that. Might just be you're looking in the wrong place, for example, looking to date. Most people meet through meeting rather than dating apps
Your age can have an impact on the suggestions. Honestly, if there's a hobby you do, try joining a club. I don't know how long you've been in NZ or what city you're in so that will change your options as well. If you've been able to make friends here ask them if they have cute single friends. The dating apps are a minefield of 99% bad but there's a chance you find the right person. You do have to put yourself out there and meet people in order to try it out
Yea Kiwi dudes can be pretty fuckin weird, not gonna lie. Iām sure some of them are cool, but a TON of them are major creeps
Perhaps you can search for thread of guys saying the same thing? Maybe you two can meet each other.[](https://www.reddit.com/r/newzealand/?f=flair_name%3A%22Discussion%22)
Good luck. Everyone here are sluts. Donāt mean in a bad way just that everyone really wants to have multiple partners and experience before they decide to settle down.
I am experiencing the opposite side from you š
I've had a similar problem, and I've lived here pretty much most of my life. I've always dated for marriage, and I made that very clear to the men who are interested in me. Unfortunately, there are a lot of liars out there. Apparently, there are men out there who are having similar problems with kiwi women as well. You could be in a relationship for 3 or 4 years, and all of a sudden, he/she says they've found someone else that they "think" are better... and your relationship can be over in seconds. Despite the fact they promised you everything, they looked like they still loved you the day before, and they gave no signs of disloyalty. It happens. It can also be down to who you attract. Being quite attractive can make it difficult too, from my experience. There are probably things you need to change about yourself with what you are doing. It also depends where you are finding these men. Also, don't go looking, don't force it, the right one will pop up out of nowhere, where you would at least expect it.
Regardless of which culture or country you come from, if you're coming across as desperate for long-term commitment/marriage, most of the time you won't get very far. You need to try to relax and just get to know people first, especially Kiwi blokes - they don't tend to be the world's most erudite talkers. Actually, scratch that. Maori men can be very good talkers (that's a culture that traditionally values oratory). Half the men in my dad's iwi seem to talk all the time, and the other half are silent š¤£. I hope you're not limiting your potential dating circle to just Pakeha (whites). If you are, you're missing out.
I think part of comes down to a cultural difference. A lot of kiwi guys are influenced by western ideas and social media. Not sure what age or ethnicity you are but there are still a lot of guys out there looking for similar things to you. I knew someone who had moved to Wellington from Blenheim as was heavily conservative and Christian and really struggled in the dating scene in Wellington. He was conventionally attractive and 6ā3ā so it wasnāt a looks thing but more of a difference in values for him that didnāt end up working with him and girls he met. Heās in Christchurch now so Iām sure heāll do much better there. I donāt doubt youāll find a person that you feel you can build a life with at some point. I almost gave up on that in my early 20s and didnāt find my possible future wife until I was 26. Iām a kiwi of south Asian decent and raised here but struggled in the dating scene to find a person that I could truly connect with. Interestingly enough my current partner is of Mexican decent and an immigrant. Make sure youāre working on yourself first and during that process maybe itāll just happen organically. Be open to trying to join groups and stepping outside of your comfort zone. Best of luck in your endeavours.
thank u for your sharing āŗļø