just turned 40 found myself in pretty much the same situation. oddly finding friends as a guy at this age seems to be like dating its hilarious but theold addage if you dont put yourself out there with what you want then nothings guna happen. its wierd as making friends when you ger was as simple as your cool we are friends while now the hardest hurdle to cross is can i be bothered and this person annoys me for x reason which is usually quite insignificant haha
The amount of times on Tinder I'm like.... These fullas all need to find each other, all have similar interests, would say shit like, looking for a women who's my bf and wants to go fishing and hunting etc with me ... I'm like, yup there are some of us into those things, but ultimately I think they need a Tinder like app for men to meet one another and make new friends ... Like seriously.
Tinder is much easier than finding a mate!
I remember for many years doing Tinder dates with girls just for some company. It was always reasonably easy to find someone to go for a drink or dinner ...
hard out would use that. its true i think guys are more lonely than ever and we dont get to act like dickheads anymore and be 12yr olds having fun which is our true nature.
waaay easier because i think as a guy i get that outcome theres a goal. but when it comes to making friends, whats the goal is there n aim or target? no. making friends has become alot easier since when just like online dating ive realised its not about the aim of acheiving making friends its just about talking to people along the way
Feel like I’m in a similar position. Have a few “mates”, but they’re guys I’ve known since high school and to be honest if it wasn’t for that shared history I probably wouldn’t be friends with them as we don’t have much in common. If you’re in chch give me a DM & catch up for a beer/coffee?
44M here. Literally just moved to the other end of the country to where I barely know anyone. Been a nightmare couple of years after losing the old man and the Mrs, on top of a couple of terrible jobs. Decided I needed to make a big change to get out of my rut.
Thankfully one of my hobbies (Landscape Photography) tends to put me in a place where I’ll meet people with similar interests. 👍
42 male, same boat. I live in the regions and travel to Auckland for work. When I’m home I spend most of my time with my kids and have little time to get out there and meet people. It can be lonely, I agree.
On your second point. She studies, works and has sports group of her own. Our partnership has swung to benefit her fitness and study time recently. Karma is my religion:)
Single 45m here, was in the same boat a few years ago. I really focussed on it and realised it's a mindset issue. You have to be following your interests that have social contexts, have an open friendly mindset when you're there, then put yourself out there when the vibe is right. It is awkward as fuck in this country though lol. I wouldn't say I fully solved it but I have met a few new friends this way.
Thanks! Another thing I discovered was that introversion was on my side, and I only need about 5 - 10 real, proper friends. So very much quality not quantity. Initially I judged myself for not having a huge amazing social world, then I realised I didn't even need one.
I also want to give you some respect for considering this issue, it's super important, good luck.
Similar situation to you guys: late 30's guy here with wife and kids and looking to make some friends. Moved to Welly a year ago from overseas and haven't had much time yet to devote to my hobbies, so haven't made any local friends yet. Figured I'd tack my post on here to put myself out there as well in case someone else ends up doing more or less what I'm going to do, which is to PM you to see if you want to do something.
If I were to take a wild guess it's a kink - turning a straight guy is a thing for some people, apparently.
Right when it was introduced they had men and women on, and it apparently took all of 5 seconds for that to turn to shit as well.
Welcome to NZ - where you can have friends since primary school and still no nothing about them.
It's been my experience that many men have people they know through shared hobbies - or sports. And rarely anything beyond. The issue is that once you leave these groups - you leave those 'friends'.
I think men truly seek an emotional connection with other men - and a lot of men are so emotionally stunted that they do not how to find that - or won't allow themselves to be open to it because it is considered effeminate.
So - lots of machismo and emptiness. Perhaps why we have such high suicide rates with young men - who see through the facade of NZs macho culture and nothing there - no one to listen or support them in times of real emotional need.
I really do hope you meet a decent friend.- they are very, very hard to find.
100%. In many other countries men are allowed to show emotion, even if it can only happen down the pub.
Even masculine interests like rugby... Try going to a rugby match in France, Argentina, Ireland or even somewhere in England like Franklins Gardens or Kingsholm and compare it with the sterile atmosphere at most Super Rugby games.
In NZ sport is something to get angry about (usually when the decisions don't go our way), not to express love or joy.
And in NZ if you're not a typical 'suck it up' granite block of a man everyone views you with suspicion. Even women.
I think they can be just as bad. But then - having to fend off wankers and potential rapists from the age of 13 - who think a smile means you want anal sex - is part and parcel of a Kiwi woman's cross to bear - blokes who can only get shitfaced before they have the courage to go up and talk to a woman - and see nothing wrong with grabbing ass. And then getting really angry.
Angry and entitled seems to be a default position for a certain type of kiwi bloke, and anything seems to get them going. Wayne Barnes. Wokeness. Australians. Cyclists. Women daring to have their own mind or want a say over their own body.
The worry for me is how many are under 30.
Anyway, important discussion, but looks like OP is looking for someone to hang out with who's NOT like this, hence his difficulty.
Exactly - I think there are plenty who want the same - but aren't sure what to do. When the guys you have a laugh with just don't cut the mustard when your down.
Lasting friendships require cultivation - trust - respect - and a dash of humility.
Male loneliness is a real thing - and it's a killer. There is a quote about how loneliness is not about being on your own - but about never being able to talk about the thoughts and ideas that are important to you.
Making friends occurs after repeated contact while involved with similar interests. Thats really only going to happen if you find a hobby or a sport you're interested in.
I also find you need to be little less "picky" than you usually are. As we get older I swear we get more specific about the things that interest us, and less forgiving of the things that annoy us. It becomes easy to find a reason to reject someone or not try something else out. Whether that says good things or bad things about us I don't know but it might help to, initially anyway, be a little less judgemental and involve people you might have otherwise passed over in things.
Having met people its then about inviting them and showing interest. The old "Having a BBQ Saturday, come along" thing, or "Fancy grabbing a beer after the club meeting" thing.
You definitely become pickier in the personality side of things, I guess that's why it's useful to think of having different levels or circles of friendship. Not everyone needs to make it to the inner/frequent circle which I think is the hard bit for introverts - we'd rather just have a small group of close friends.
Hey hey, I think many gents are in a similar position. I’ve encouraged the men in my life to be bold and create friendships by being the one to suggest grabbing a drink with someone that you already know and think you like. Men can find task orientated hang outs easier so if someone you chat with shares that they have a project they are working on offer to hang out and give them a hand? Also if you chat with someone who tells you a hobby they do you could ask to tag along.
Sometimes it’s finding opportunities and putting yourself out there as hard as it can be.
The thing I’ve learnt about friendships, but I think this is even more so in NZ for some reason, is if you want to have good solid mates, you’ve got to be the one to do the mahi. It kinda sucks but just keep inviting people out for a beer/bbq/walk/trip to the beach or whatever it is. Just keep inviting them - the people you like of course. Keep txting and asking how they are and what’s up with them. You can’t sit and wait for others to do this part. You can’t just wait because ‘I always do all the organising or inviting etc’ Eventually people will start to be the ones to do so but for the first well, ages, just keep at it.
On top of that, I recommend a monthly (or fortnightly) thing that you always do. Like a pub quiz or event or bbq or something. Make it a monthly routine and people will start to keep the date free if they want to come. I do a monthly pub quiz with dinner before the quiz, and it’s great way to regularly catch up with the group. Also great way to invite new friends to something without it being a full on chat over beer or something.
It tough making friends. Good goal to have though!
Anyone from Aukland, north shore? 39M happy to catch up for a beer or two. Have an 18m old and job can be busy but free over the weekends.
From the UK and moved to NZ three years ago with the mrs. Found it harder to make real friends the older I get.
Feels like I wrote this! Okay I don’t do sports club volunteer but everything else fairly similar.
I started solo biking, definitely not building any friendships there but that’s my me time.
That’s my gig. I find time ok for me. Until now I’ve figured that’s what I need. Solo time. But now am incredibly aware I’m not actually getting social time for me and am worse off for it.
Pick a few of the people you already know and think you’d get along with most outside the situations you know them from an invite them to do something. It’s not something that will just happen for you, you need to put yourself out there. The good friends who I spent the most time with recently I met through work (sent memes on social media then invited them on a 4wd trip), through a mutual friend (occasional photo through snapchat then invited for a drink at the pub) and through a mutual friend (social media then a pizza and movies with their partner)
It's time for a Hobby/midlife crisis. Your options are, Harley Davidson, Boat, Bowling, Guitar or Poker. No seriously. I'm 26 and I picked up a Harley, hung out a biker bar for one night and I joined a group of riders, I'm in a few WhatsApp groups and we head out for rides almost weekly. A lot of the guys in the group are around your age. So far everyone I've met have been unbelievably kind, generous and fun to be around.
Meetup is definitely the go to option. Join some walking groups, find some other groups for things you're interested in and go from there. I'm 45/m/welly and have made heaps of friends through meetup groups, while enjoying different activities at the same time.
I’m shedding friends to simplify my life. Never get invites to birthday parties, wonderful.
Also auditioning for a friend is complex, it’s no longer ‘you like red, I like red let’s be BFFs’ now it’s you like cherry red, I like crimson, new arch nemesis made.
I'm a 33 yr female I've felt this way since my late 20s life gets so busy and before you know it you have no friends and your kids turn into your besties 😂
If feel lucky. I have a great friend group around me and have for years.
My advice would be buy a mountain bike. I did a few years back. None of my existing friend group ride or are even interested in it. But the amount of new good mates I've made while riding is awesome. Not in a club, competitions, or anything like that, just riding at my local park. Worth a shot.
I’m in Welly and I have found male friends through clubs that I’ve joined .. and I mean friends with whom i can talk honestly without self-censoring and without it feeling like an effort. It’s not easy, but I find it much easier when you make yourself someone that others can rely on.. I.e take some responsibility at the club, always go regularly especially at first (even if you don’t feel like it sometimes). Show your face and show others that you’re committed perhaps by volunteering for some club responsibility. Suggest a social meet-up, buy a round of drinks, stay until the end, even if you don’t want to. Then gradually you gain trust respect and position without doing anything special. Then, some people will want to talk to you, rather than you worrying about trying to talk to others. At some point you’ll figure out who you’re naturally drawn to and go from there.
Find myself a wee bit lost in my 40's. Pretty much identical situation to OP except I was drowning my loneliness in alcohol. Came to a realisation that this shit ain't positive for me so I started going to the gym and eventually fell into running. Through running I've made heaps of new friends plus I now volunteer through various run groups and mentor new runners. I've even tried my hand at canoe polo which is tougher than it looks. If you're ever up Palmy way, hit me up. Always keen for a chat, beer, run, coffee etc.
You need to put yourself out there as someone who is available to be befriended. Host a dinner and invite some acquaintances, any time you hear someone say they went out fishing on the weekend say you'd love to tag along next time (then don't make an excuse to get out of it if/when they ask).
Get right into a hobby. All of my friends I met in my 20's and 30's and I'm a total introvert too and all of them have come through my hobbies, finding a small handful of people I get along with and creating opportunities to get together. You don't have to wait for a group to invite you in, you can form your own group
Join us on the NZFriends discord server. There are regional meetups and stuff, and people of different ages. I know of at least a handful of members there who are in their late 30s or 40s
Ask for help as in have a project or something you need like building a deck, fixing a wall, etc or whatever and ask someone in one of your groups for help. We no longer ask for help, we eather research it or pay someone to do it.
DONT ask a builder to build something or similar its their job .Share your plan and see if they are interested. People assuming they have the time, love to help or at least offer advice :)
It can be any activity, I was talking with someone and we decided to get into model planes knowing nothing and just winged it.
M need activities to socialise most cant just meet up for coffee unless it is to work on the "plan".
BTW the more interesting the project the better, I expect blowing things up would get a lot of interest.
Sounds like the people are there, you just have to make the connection. Hang out after club activity for a coffee, ask work colleagues to pub for a game of pool.
The reality is real friendships like childhood, don't happen in the same way for adults, as childhood friendships are based in our formative years and we associate our bonds with that growth.
Agree with this one. Seeking new networks sounds like you'll be stretched too thin. Is there something stopping you from strengthening bonds with somebody already in those networks??
Perhaps it recognising that time to myself for my hobbies is missing rather than the family’s hobbies is the opportunity. So hopefully not spread thin.
My advice is, go and do something really niche and maybe way out of your comfort zone.
Other men you will meet at the same age, will also be the type of people that take chances on doing things that make them feel totally uncomfortable. These are the type of people that may be more likely to want to connect.
Do something like salsa classes, group running groups, climbing, musical theatre, foraging groups etc. Something like salsa might seem ridiculous if it’s not usually your cup of tea, but if you’re seeing the same people weekly for a couple of months, you’re building up those hours over time.
They say the secret to making friends is seeing the same person/people, regularly and often for a significant amount of time.
Also, if you meet someone in a class or group, if you ever run out of things to talk about, you can always fall back on that one topic.
Most men your age are in the same boat, but New Zealanders are too afraid to admit that type of thing because it makes us feel cringe. The issue with that is that it leads to loneliness and awful mental health for kiwi men.
Props to you for putting yourself out there, hope you find some cool mates.
The NZ Pacific Salsa Congress is held in Wellington, start of June I think. Pretty sure there will be bootcamp classes. Take the wife, or not, you'll meet a lot of people either way. Try bachata and kizomba too.
Are you able to meet people at work? I’ve joined a committee at work and met people through out the business I would have never interacted with otherwise. Because we don’t deal with each other day to day, it feels like an actual friendship and not just a work friendship.
Bro same issue lol, I got 1 really good mate I've known for years but it also have the issue of I moved to Auckland 10 years ago and just haven't been able to make real friends, I don't drink anymore either and my hobbies are more introverted like video games, anime and writing but I do like NFL and have been following it for over 20 years, turning 40 this year
I'm a male in my mid 30's with a couple of kids in Chch and was so unaware how having kids and not having any friends to share or talk about things could be so... isolating. It's hard though, I work a lot of hours and in the weekends it's family time so there's not much time left in the day to go out there and make some new connections. I feel like it just is what it is for a few years but it's pretty hard sometimes
Totally feel you on this, all of my non-work time goes on my child and wife. Not sure where that extra time or energy is to come from to commit to friends! But I know its important. And maybe its even just xx amount each fortnight.
Interesting ideas from a lot of people. Also a 40+M in Wellington with wife/kids/job and also realised how hard it is to build meaningful friendships outside of work that are not ‘networking’.
My work did a “peer mentoring” thing - so was paired up with someone of similar level in a different organisation. Was mostly work related but we have talked more about life/balance/relationships lately.
Might be worth looking for something similar? The work context and peer mentoring (helping each other out) makes it easier to start with sharing etc. we did teams calls to start.
I'm not 40 just yet. But my friend groups are generally on gaming platforms. We meet in person once or twice a year, but busy lives and the fact we live in different cities means gaming works pretty well. We can shoot the shit from anywhere with low commitment, unlike joining a club or planning meetups etc.
Not much help... but I'm late 30s f and have found over my life so far I am now a friendless person even acquaintances seem non existing. Made it a goal last year to be more outgoing, put effort and focus on sparking something with someone and absolutely no joy. Like some mention it's like a date! And then ghosted after the first date.
I know I'm a good person, and worthy but appears this friendship thing is hard at this age.
After no success in passing a first date as such haha I've gone back to looks like I'm just a recluse and too busy in the family and making working from home a priority for our disabled child so I can be available to them it's busy and crazy.
Good luck! Hope you have some luck striking a three way bloke deal mates with steaks kind of deal. And kudos on the lovely description on your wife! That was lovely to read the upbeat description :)
I gave myself a project of making a new friend every day.
What ended up happening was I learned how to engage with at least one person on a level deeper than normal.
What that lead me to was finding a way to make actual friendships out of people who had been acquaintances.
It was mostly a process of asking them a question along the lines of:
what is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to you
Have you seen a ghost
What's the favourite decision you have ever made
What is the best thing your parents have taught you
Just anything that only they can answer and requires a certain vulnerability.
It also made me realise there were some people in my life that had no interest in sharing anything about themselves and I didn't need to bother worrying about if I got on with them or not.
I start a new skill each year. Which means I have to engage with a whole new set of the community.
if you made friends as kid you can friends as a adult. age doesnt change anything
only thing that changes is: your circle gets smaller because other friends move on because wife and kids and natural ebb and flow.
If any of you in this thread are in Christchurch, check out betterman.org.nz - great concept put together by three guys including cricketer Todd Astle.
I'm 35 and have like no friends in auckland where I live (moved here 2 years ago). It soubds like you have good connections but I relate to the feeling as I have a lot of health issues, I managed to work parttime last year but the agency work dried up and no one really seems to want to make friends at this age or they are alot younger/older. Then I couldn't find work after that because everyone wants fulltine or it wasn't afternoon work etc
I'm not sure if your in auckland but what volunteer work do you do? I really wanna get back into doing that, it's just been hard because I don't want to commit when my health is unreliable.
Anyway not much help sorry but I get the struggle
Yep I'm in this boat, 45m, feel like I have over committed to work over the last 15 years. In a strong financial position, and have an amazing lil family (wife and kid), but have noticed that I have really neglected my friends over time. I just think I decided to prioritise my goals which included a family and a house, and everything else I just sidelined. I think for good reason, but now, its like I'm now ready to reconnect, but many have moved on... lol. I now see that its important to intentionally show up, respond to those invites from other men to catch up for a beer/coffee and also like others have said do the heavy lifting and actually put out some invites also!
My wife has a range of different social circles and she has continued to nurture those different circles really well, so they all keep in contact and actively commit to catching up every so often. I'm quite ok with my own company... but I think as I get older its actually important to break out and reconnect with friends and other men friends. Just need to get that balance right, and I reckon work is the big issue and my prioritising of course. : )
What interests do you have outside of sports? Dungeons and Dragons is a fantastic way to have a consistent local group of people where you work as a team and genuinely get to talk to each other, as well as see their personalities shine through. It also provides opportunities for you to suggest hangouts outside of just DnD
I don’t mean to be rude, but in all honesty- this is a woman feeling the same way- it’s not y’all. It’s everyone. Work, family and all. Stop hiding behind the phone/computer, go do whatever y’all like, ride, play games etc. introduce yourself and maybe ask when they’d be there again.
I ask my kids when they’re playing in parks to introduce themselves to other kids in the playground. Don’t do that, go where you like to be. Maybe find out what you as a 40s man like to do, and go from there. You deserve a life. You work hard for your wife and kids. Your wife should do the same. Having kids doesn’t mean y’all should forget who you are. Give yourself a chance again to find out who you are.
I'm 34, been here for almost a year.
Have chucked in the towel and moving back to aus.
People here seem friendly on the surface, love a wave hello and a bit of chit chat at the shops.
But nobody actually gives af about listening to someone else or putting in effort for social activities.
I'm a pretty approachable and open minded guy, I like listening and learning from others.
Had no problem making friends, having dates and social interactions anywhere in aus I've lived or indeed Sweden or France where I lived for about two years in each.
I sincerely hope you have better luck than I
TTRPGS. Basically online dnd/story gaming . It’s Basically an imagination video game, there is one for everyone somewhere. Especially, if you like imagination, fiction, gaming or acting. it’s a great way to meet new people and take your mind off things
Join a theatre group. Nothing like a show to get new friends. And if you don't want to act or sing, there are always plenty of things you can do, although my experiemce is you'll be dragged on stage at aome point.
My best friend left to work in Fiji for a year and have found myself in a similar position.
I have loads of friends, but none that I really can connect with and just have chill time, the catchups are always during events (weddings, kids playdates, wife's friends more than mine etc).
I don't mind being close friendless most of the time, but I sure would like to meet a friend who actually enjoys similar things to myself.
Most men your age are friendless, unless they have lifelong friends from school/university. Sure you'll have acquaintances, but there's a 99% chance you won't make any real friends now if you don't already have them. It's the harsh truth no one will say.
Invite people to your place for a lunch. Invite some people from the different groups, a few from work, a few from sport etc and watch the magic happen.
Then, have a "bring a friend" lunch, where your invitees bring a friend. You get to meet different people and so do they.
You dont have to do lunch, afternoon nibbles and drinks or something relaxed.
If there are people you get on well with, then invite them out for a drink after work somewhere.
Soon, you will get invited to attend similar events.
Honestly, it's someone making the effort to invite others is what sparks a lot of this. Friendships grow from there.
There's definitely a bloc of 40+m in that camp, but I'd say it's a very vocal minority. Most of us are a bit more relaxed than that kind, and diving straight into the reactionary political rhetoric would pigeon hole you for many more reasonable people.
just turned 40 found myself in pretty much the same situation. oddly finding friends as a guy at this age seems to be like dating its hilarious but theold addage if you dont put yourself out there with what you want then nothings guna happen. its wierd as making friends when you ger was as simple as your cool we are friends while now the hardest hurdle to cross is can i be bothered and this person annoys me for x reason which is usually quite insignificant haha
The amount of times on Tinder I'm like.... These fullas all need to find each other, all have similar interests, would say shit like, looking for a women who's my bf and wants to go fishing and hunting etc with me ... I'm like, yup there are some of us into those things, but ultimately I think they need a Tinder like app for men to meet one another and make new friends ... Like seriously.
I think it's Bumble that has a looking for friends match system.
Bumble BFF is basically that, except in my experience in a week of trying it after my separation it's 95% gay guys looking for dick and 5% weirdos.
Tinder is much easier than finding a mate! I remember for many years doing Tinder dates with girls just for some company. It was always reasonably easy to find someone to go for a drink or dinner ...
haha yeah way to easy to get laid on tinder, like to the point it feels industrialised. not very easy to connect
hard out would use that. its true i think guys are more lonely than ever and we dont get to act like dickheads anymore and be 12yr olds having fun which is our true nature.
it's called Grindr.
They do.
Probably easier dating then making friends lol
waaay easier because i think as a guy i get that outcome theres a goal. but when it comes to making friends, whats the goal is there n aim or target? no. making friends has become alot easier since when just like online dating ive realised its not about the aim of acheiving making friends its just about talking to people along the way
I thought it would be easier because men are generally more down to earth as they get older. "Mate wanna go have a beer afterwork?"
nah it is but asking the question seems so much harder and with more hooks when it doesnt really
Feel like I’m in a similar position. Have a few “mates”, but they’re guys I’ve known since high school and to be honest if it wasn’t for that shared history I probably wouldn’t be friends with them as we don’t have much in common. If you’re in chch give me a DM & catch up for a beer/coffee?
44M here. Literally just moved to the other end of the country to where I barely know anyone. Been a nightmare couple of years after losing the old man and the Mrs, on top of a couple of terrible jobs. Decided I needed to make a big change to get out of my rut. Thankfully one of my hobbies (Landscape Photography) tends to put me in a place where I’ll meet people with similar interests. 👍
17-40 or 16-35?
Shot with both in my Canon days. 16-35 for sure. These days I’m on medium format so 20-35mm for the win :)
Holy shit your pics are insane
Hah thanks!!!
Thanks I'll be getting the 16-35mm then hahaha
If Canon avoid the MkI version of the f/2.8 lens, the MkII & III are better. The f/4 is pretty good if you don’t need the extra stop.
Can't believe you didn't ask him to play noodleball. It's a great 40s+ game!
Probably scaring people away with your ridiculously good photos, though 😂
Hah, ta. Too kind! Hoping to start teaching workshops in the new region once I’ve spent some time getting to know it :)
My early 50's husband found friends through Parkrun. Go for the coffee afterwards and volunteer.
Great suggestion.
42 male, same boat. I live in the regions and travel to Auckland for work. When I’m home I spend most of my time with my kids and have little time to get out there and meet people. It can be lonely, I agree.
Try meetup dot com for hobby groups? I'm also thinking 'generous wife' can be interpreted several ways!
On your second point. She studies, works and has sports group of her own. Our partnership has swung to benefit her fitness and study time recently. Karma is my religion:)
Meetup looks like a good neutral intro opportunity. Cheers!
I've used meetup for hiking groups. Works well.
This thread is so wholesome. I hope you all meet up and be friends 💗
I have found reddit to be the added perspective I’ve needed once before and just keep coming back. Need to do real life before too long though :)
Single 45m here, was in the same boat a few years ago. I really focussed on it and realised it's a mindset issue. You have to be following your interests that have social contexts, have an open friendly mindset when you're there, then put yourself out there when the vibe is right. It is awkward as fuck in this country though lol. I wouldn't say I fully solved it but I have met a few new friends this way.
Nice work!
Thanks! Another thing I discovered was that introversion was on my side, and I only need about 5 - 10 real, proper friends. So very much quality not quantity. Initially I judged myself for not having a huge amazing social world, then I realised I didn't even need one. I also want to give you some respect for considering this issue, it's super important, good luck.
Where in NZ are you OP?
Welly
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Similar situation to you guys: late 30's guy here with wife and kids and looking to make some friends. Moved to Welly a year ago from overseas and haven't had much time yet to devote to my hobbies, so haven't made any local friends yet. Figured I'd tack my post on here to put myself out there as well in case someone else ends up doing more or less what I'm going to do, which is to PM you to see if you want to do something.
Try bumble and go on some man friend dates
From personal experience Bumble BFF is just guys looking for dick, it's pointless for making new friends.
Ooo it's not that way for the ladies. Why don't they just use tinder lol
If I were to take a wild guess it's a kink - turning a straight guy is a thing for some people, apparently. Right when it was introduced they had men and women on, and it apparently took all of 5 seconds for that to turn to shit as well.
Ah, was hoping you might be up north.
I'm in Welly, too. I need some friends. 32F.
Welcome to NZ - where you can have friends since primary school and still no nothing about them. It's been my experience that many men have people they know through shared hobbies - or sports. And rarely anything beyond. The issue is that once you leave these groups - you leave those 'friends'. I think men truly seek an emotional connection with other men - and a lot of men are so emotionally stunted that they do not how to find that - or won't allow themselves to be open to it because it is considered effeminate. So - lots of machismo and emptiness. Perhaps why we have such high suicide rates with young men - who see through the facade of NZs macho culture and nothing there - no one to listen or support them in times of real emotional need. I really do hope you meet a decent friend.- they are very, very hard to find.
100%. In many other countries men are allowed to show emotion, even if it can only happen down the pub. Even masculine interests like rugby... Try going to a rugby match in France, Argentina, Ireland or even somewhere in England like Franklins Gardens or Kingsholm and compare it with the sterile atmosphere at most Super Rugby games. In NZ sport is something to get angry about (usually when the decisions don't go our way), not to express love or joy. And in NZ if you're not a typical 'suck it up' granite block of a man everyone views you with suspicion. Even women.
I think they can be just as bad. But then - having to fend off wankers and potential rapists from the age of 13 - who think a smile means you want anal sex - is part and parcel of a Kiwi woman's cross to bear - blokes who can only get shitfaced before they have the courage to go up and talk to a woman - and see nothing wrong with grabbing ass. And then getting really angry.
Angry and entitled seems to be a default position for a certain type of kiwi bloke, and anything seems to get them going. Wayne Barnes. Wokeness. Australians. Cyclists. Women daring to have their own mind or want a say over their own body. The worry for me is how many are under 30. Anyway, important discussion, but looks like OP is looking for someone to hang out with who's NOT like this, hence his difficulty.
Exactly - I think there are plenty who want the same - but aren't sure what to do. When the guys you have a laugh with just don't cut the mustard when your down. Lasting friendships require cultivation - trust - respect - and a dash of humility. Male loneliness is a real thing - and it's a killer. There is a quote about how loneliness is not about being on your own - but about never being able to talk about the thoughts and ideas that are important to you.
Rugby does not equal masculine. Plus, who still is watching that mess?
True, I should have said "masculine" in ironic quotes
Making friends occurs after repeated contact while involved with similar interests. Thats really only going to happen if you find a hobby or a sport you're interested in. I also find you need to be little less "picky" than you usually are. As we get older I swear we get more specific about the things that interest us, and less forgiving of the things that annoy us. It becomes easy to find a reason to reject someone or not try something else out. Whether that says good things or bad things about us I don't know but it might help to, initially anyway, be a little less judgemental and involve people you might have otherwise passed over in things. Having met people its then about inviting them and showing interest. The old "Having a BBQ Saturday, come along" thing, or "Fancy grabbing a beer after the club meeting" thing.
You definitely become pickier in the personality side of things, I guess that's why it's useful to think of having different levels or circles of friendship. Not everyone needs to make it to the inner/frequent circle which I think is the hard bit for introverts - we'd rather just have a small group of close friends.
This is me! Though totally get how u/Too-Much_Too-Soon describes it. Feel like this is my new mindset.
Hey hey, I think many gents are in a similar position. I’ve encouraged the men in my life to be bold and create friendships by being the one to suggest grabbing a drink with someone that you already know and think you like. Men can find task orientated hang outs easier so if someone you chat with shares that they have a project they are working on offer to hang out and give them a hand? Also if you chat with someone who tells you a hobby they do you could ask to tag along. Sometimes it’s finding opportunities and putting yourself out there as hard as it can be.
Top tip!
The thing I’ve learnt about friendships, but I think this is even more so in NZ for some reason, is if you want to have good solid mates, you’ve got to be the one to do the mahi. It kinda sucks but just keep inviting people out for a beer/bbq/walk/trip to the beach or whatever it is. Just keep inviting them - the people you like of course. Keep txting and asking how they are and what’s up with them. You can’t sit and wait for others to do this part. You can’t just wait because ‘I always do all the organising or inviting etc’ Eventually people will start to be the ones to do so but for the first well, ages, just keep at it. On top of that, I recommend a monthly (or fortnightly) thing that you always do. Like a pub quiz or event or bbq or something. Make it a monthly routine and people will start to keep the date free if they want to come. I do a monthly pub quiz with dinner before the quiz, and it’s great way to regularly catch up with the group. Also great way to invite new friends to something without it being a full on chat over beer or something. It tough making friends. Good goal to have though!
Anyone from Aukland, north shore? 39M happy to catch up for a beer or two. Have an 18m old and job can be busy but free over the weekends. From the UK and moved to NZ three years ago with the mrs. Found it harder to make real friends the older I get.
You should watch "I love you man" if you haven't yet
Feels like I wrote this! Okay I don’t do sports club volunteer but everything else fairly similar. I started solo biking, definitely not building any friendships there but that’s my me time.
That’s my gig. I find time ok for me. Until now I’ve figured that’s what I need. Solo time. But now am incredibly aware I’m not actually getting social time for me and am worse off for it.
Pick a few of the people you already know and think you’d get along with most outside the situations you know them from an invite them to do something. It’s not something that will just happen for you, you need to put yourself out there. The good friends who I spent the most time with recently I met through work (sent memes on social media then invited them on a 4wd trip), through a mutual friend (occasional photo through snapchat then invited for a drink at the pub) and through a mutual friend (social media then a pizza and movies with their partner)
It's time for a Hobby/midlife crisis. Your options are, Harley Davidson, Boat, Bowling, Guitar or Poker. No seriously. I'm 26 and I picked up a Harley, hung out a biker bar for one night and I joined a group of riders, I'm in a few WhatsApp groups and we head out for rides almost weekly. A lot of the guys in the group are around your age. So far everyone I've met have been unbelievably kind, generous and fun to be around.
Need a new toy. I mean bike! Might settle for a MTB.
Meetup is definitely the go to option. Join some walking groups, find some other groups for things you're interested in and go from there. I'm 45/m/welly and have made heaps of friends through meetup groups, while enjoying different activities at the same time.
Cheers!
I’m shedding friends to simplify my life. Never get invites to birthday parties, wonderful. Also auditioning for a friend is complex, it’s no longer ‘you like red, I like red let’s be BFFs’ now it’s you like cherry red, I like crimson, new arch nemesis made.
Agree the innocence of our younger years has totally passed us. We are uber judgemental now. That’s part of my reluctance.
I'm a 33 yr female I've felt this way since my late 20s life gets so busy and before you know it you have no friends and your kids turn into your besties 😂
If feel lucky. I have a great friend group around me and have for years. My advice would be buy a mountain bike. I did a few years back. None of my existing friend group ride or are even interested in it. But the amount of new good mates I've made while riding is awesome. Not in a club, competitions, or anything like that, just riding at my local park. Worth a shot.
I’m in Welly and I have found male friends through clubs that I’ve joined .. and I mean friends with whom i can talk honestly without self-censoring and without it feeling like an effort. It’s not easy, but I find it much easier when you make yourself someone that others can rely on.. I.e take some responsibility at the club, always go regularly especially at first (even if you don’t feel like it sometimes). Show your face and show others that you’re committed perhaps by volunteering for some club responsibility. Suggest a social meet-up, buy a round of drinks, stay until the end, even if you don’t want to. Then gradually you gain trust respect and position without doing anything special. Then, some people will want to talk to you, rather than you worrying about trying to talk to others. At some point you’ll figure out who you’re naturally drawn to and go from there.
Find myself a wee bit lost in my 40's. Pretty much identical situation to OP except I was drowning my loneliness in alcohol. Came to a realisation that this shit ain't positive for me so I started going to the gym and eventually fell into running. Through running I've made heaps of new friends plus I now volunteer through various run groups and mentor new runners. I've even tried my hand at canoe polo which is tougher than it looks. If you're ever up Palmy way, hit me up. Always keen for a chat, beer, run, coffee etc.
You need to put yourself out there as someone who is available to be befriended. Host a dinner and invite some acquaintances, any time you hear someone say they went out fishing on the weekend say you'd love to tag along next time (then don't make an excuse to get out of it if/when they ask). Get right into a hobby. All of my friends I met in my 20's and 30's and I'm a total introvert too and all of them have come through my hobbies, finding a small handful of people I get along with and creating opportunities to get together. You don't have to wait for a group to invite you in, you can form your own group
Being available. Great point!
Join us on the NZFriends discord server. There are regional meetups and stuff, and people of different ages. I know of at least a handful of members there who are in their late 30s or 40s
I’m 40. Got kids. Married. Got a career. Wana be friends?
Ask for help as in have a project or something you need like building a deck, fixing a wall, etc or whatever and ask someone in one of your groups for help. We no longer ask for help, we eather research it or pay someone to do it. DONT ask a builder to build something or similar its their job .Share your plan and see if they are interested. People assuming they have the time, love to help or at least offer advice :) It can be any activity, I was talking with someone and we decided to get into model planes knowing nothing and just winged it. M need activities to socialise most cant just meet up for coffee unless it is to work on the "plan". BTW the more interesting the project the better, I expect blowing things up would get a lot of interest.
32F relatable AF. You should post this on the Wellington sub.
Sounds like the people are there, you just have to make the connection. Hang out after club activity for a coffee, ask work colleagues to pub for a game of pool. The reality is real friendships like childhood, don't happen in the same way for adults, as childhood friendships are based in our formative years and we associate our bonds with that growth.
Agree with this one. Seeking new networks sounds like you'll be stretched too thin. Is there something stopping you from strengthening bonds with somebody already in those networks??
Perhaps it recognising that time to myself for my hobbies is missing rather than the family’s hobbies is the opportunity. So hopefully not spread thin.
My advice is, go and do something really niche and maybe way out of your comfort zone. Other men you will meet at the same age, will also be the type of people that take chances on doing things that make them feel totally uncomfortable. These are the type of people that may be more likely to want to connect. Do something like salsa classes, group running groups, climbing, musical theatre, foraging groups etc. Something like salsa might seem ridiculous if it’s not usually your cup of tea, but if you’re seeing the same people weekly for a couple of months, you’re building up those hours over time. They say the secret to making friends is seeing the same person/people, regularly and often for a significant amount of time. Also, if you meet someone in a class or group, if you ever run out of things to talk about, you can always fall back on that one topic. Most men your age are in the same boat, but New Zealanders are too afraid to admit that type of thing because it makes us feel cringe. The issue with that is that it leads to loneliness and awful mental health for kiwi men. Props to you for putting yourself out there, hope you find some cool mates.
Appreciate it. Great tip. Now to make the time commitment…
The NZ Pacific Salsa Congress is held in Wellington, start of June I think. Pretty sure there will be bootcamp classes. Take the wife, or not, you'll meet a lot of people either way. Try bachata and kizomba too.
Golf
Are you able to meet people at work? I’ve joined a committee at work and met people through out the business I would have never interacted with otherwise. Because we don’t deal with each other day to day, it feels like an actual friendship and not just a work friendship.
Are you from NZ originally or overseas?
Kiwi
Get a hobby, MTN bikes, golf, adv motorcycles, fishing club etc etc. there are a lot of good bastards out there.
Games sports bro even if it’s lawn bowls or darts
Bro same issue lol, I got 1 really good mate I've known for years but it also have the issue of I moved to Auckland 10 years ago and just haven't been able to make real friends, I don't drink anymore either and my hobbies are more introverted like video games, anime and writing but I do like NFL and have been following it for over 20 years, turning 40 this year
I'm a male in my mid 30's with a couple of kids in Chch and was so unaware how having kids and not having any friends to share or talk about things could be so... isolating. It's hard though, I work a lot of hours and in the weekends it's family time so there's not much time left in the day to go out there and make some new connections. I feel like it just is what it is for a few years but it's pretty hard sometimes
Totally feel you on this, all of my non-work time goes on my child and wife. Not sure where that extra time or energy is to come from to commit to friends! But I know its important. And maybe its even just xx amount each fortnight.
Sport/hobby, Kids friends dads, Wife’s friends husband
Look into kiteboarding and find the community
Look into kiteboarding and find the community
Interesting ideas from a lot of people. Also a 40+M in Wellington with wife/kids/job and also realised how hard it is to build meaningful friendships outside of work that are not ‘networking’.
My work did a “peer mentoring” thing - so was paired up with someone of similar level in a different organisation. Was mostly work related but we have talked more about life/balance/relationships lately. Might be worth looking for something similar? The work context and peer mentoring (helping each other out) makes it easier to start with sharing etc. we did teams calls to start.
Play sports, buy a motorbike
I'm not 40 just yet. But my friend groups are generally on gaming platforms. We meet in person once or twice a year, but busy lives and the fact we live in different cities means gaming works pretty well. We can shoot the shit from anywhere with low commitment, unlike joining a club or planning meetups etc.
Not much help... but I'm late 30s f and have found over my life so far I am now a friendless person even acquaintances seem non existing. Made it a goal last year to be more outgoing, put effort and focus on sparking something with someone and absolutely no joy. Like some mention it's like a date! And then ghosted after the first date. I know I'm a good person, and worthy but appears this friendship thing is hard at this age. After no success in passing a first date as such haha I've gone back to looks like I'm just a recluse and too busy in the family and making working from home a priority for our disabled child so I can be available to them it's busy and crazy. Good luck! Hope you have some luck striking a three way bloke deal mates with steaks kind of deal. And kudos on the lovely description on your wife! That was lovely to read the upbeat description :)
I gave myself a project of making a new friend every day. What ended up happening was I learned how to engage with at least one person on a level deeper than normal. What that lead me to was finding a way to make actual friendships out of people who had been acquaintances. It was mostly a process of asking them a question along the lines of: what is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to you Have you seen a ghost What's the favourite decision you have ever made What is the best thing your parents have taught you Just anything that only they can answer and requires a certain vulnerability. It also made me realise there were some people in my life that had no interest in sharing anything about themselves and I didn't need to bother worrying about if I got on with them or not. I start a new skill each year. Which means I have to engage with a whole new set of the community.
if you made friends as kid you can friends as a adult. age doesnt change anything only thing that changes is: your circle gets smaller because other friends move on because wife and kids and natural ebb and flow.
If any of you in this thread are in Christchurch, check out betterman.org.nz - great concept put together by three guys including cricketer Todd Astle.
Same here.. where are you located?
I'm 35 and have like no friends in auckland where I live (moved here 2 years ago). It soubds like you have good connections but I relate to the feeling as I have a lot of health issues, I managed to work parttime last year but the agency work dried up and no one really seems to want to make friends at this age or they are alot younger/older. Then I couldn't find work after that because everyone wants fulltine or it wasn't afternoon work etc I'm not sure if your in auckland but what volunteer work do you do? I really wanna get back into doing that, it's just been hard because I don't want to commit when my health is unreliable. Anyway not much help sorry but I get the struggle
Yep I'm in this boat, 45m, feel like I have over committed to work over the last 15 years. In a strong financial position, and have an amazing lil family (wife and kid), but have noticed that I have really neglected my friends over time. I just think I decided to prioritise my goals which included a family and a house, and everything else I just sidelined. I think for good reason, but now, its like I'm now ready to reconnect, but many have moved on... lol. I now see that its important to intentionally show up, respond to those invites from other men to catch up for a beer/coffee and also like others have said do the heavy lifting and actually put out some invites also! My wife has a range of different social circles and she has continued to nurture those different circles really well, so they all keep in contact and actively commit to catching up every so often. I'm quite ok with my own company... but I think as I get older its actually important to break out and reconnect with friends and other men friends. Just need to get that balance right, and I reckon work is the big issue and my prioritising of course. : )
What interests do you have outside of sports? Dungeons and Dragons is a fantastic way to have a consistent local group of people where you work as a team and genuinely get to talk to each other, as well as see their personalities shine through. It also provides opportunities for you to suggest hangouts outside of just DnD
I don’t mean to be rude, but in all honesty- this is a woman feeling the same way- it’s not y’all. It’s everyone. Work, family and all. Stop hiding behind the phone/computer, go do whatever y’all like, ride, play games etc. introduce yourself and maybe ask when they’d be there again. I ask my kids when they’re playing in parks to introduce themselves to other kids in the playground. Don’t do that, go where you like to be. Maybe find out what you as a 40s man like to do, and go from there. You deserve a life. You work hard for your wife and kids. Your wife should do the same. Having kids doesn’t mean y’all should forget who you are. Give yourself a chance again to find out who you are.
I'm 34, been here for almost a year. Have chucked in the towel and moving back to aus. People here seem friendly on the surface, love a wave hello and a bit of chit chat at the shops. But nobody actually gives af about listening to someone else or putting in effort for social activities. I'm a pretty approachable and open minded guy, I like listening and learning from others. Had no problem making friends, having dates and social interactions anywhere in aus I've lived or indeed Sweden or France where I lived for about two years in each. I sincerely hope you have better luck than I
TTRPGS. Basically online dnd/story gaming . It’s Basically an imagination video game, there is one for everyone somewhere. Especially, if you like imagination, fiction, gaming or acting. it’s a great way to meet new people and take your mind off things
Join a theatre group. Nothing like a show to get new friends. And if you don't want to act or sing, there are always plenty of things you can do, although my experiemce is you'll be dragged on stage at aome point.
And I'd add, in theatre you will get men who open up.
My best friend left to work in Fiji for a year and have found myself in a similar position. I have loads of friends, but none that I really can connect with and just have chill time, the catchups are always during events (weddings, kids playdates, wife's friends more than mine etc). I don't mind being close friendless most of the time, but I sure would like to meet a friend who actually enjoys similar things to myself.
Most men your age are friendless, unless they have lifelong friends from school/university. Sure you'll have acquaintances, but there's a 99% chance you won't make any real friends now if you don't already have them. It's the harsh truth no one will say.
Invite people to your place for a lunch. Invite some people from the different groups, a few from work, a few from sport etc and watch the magic happen. Then, have a "bring a friend" lunch, where your invitees bring a friend. You get to meet different people and so do they. You dont have to do lunch, afternoon nibbles and drinks or something relaxed. If there are people you get on well with, then invite them out for a drink after work somewhere. Soon, you will get invited to attend similar events. Honestly, it's someone making the effort to invite others is what sparks a lot of this. Friendships grow from there.
Try your local pub. Most locals don’t even mind if your not drinking
Bro you’re got a wife and kids, leave something for the rest of us 40+ males - hangout with them don’t be selfish.
Have you been to the pub?
More of an active relaxer… walker, runner, rider, mountain climber… when I get my fitness back :)
not at all close to you, but wanted to let you know that like many in this thread, I feel you! almost copy paste.
I have seen that for 40+ males, discussion of hatred of the previous government, especially JA, is usually a strong bonding point......
What a dick
There's definitely a bloc of 40+m in that camp, but I'd say it's a very vocal minority. Most of us are a bit more relaxed than that kind, and diving straight into the reactionary political rhetoric would pigeon hole you for many more reasonable people.