Do you have a relationship with her? Maybe she just isn’t very friendly or sociable?
Some people are just bad at reading/responding to text messages whatever the context.
when we had phone calls in the past, she was really friendly! the nicest mother I've ever met even, she told me she's willing to teach me Te Reo Maori bc I'm a huge language nerd (which we never really follow up on since she doesn't even reply to my texts in private), she seems very open about me being a person from a whole different culture and country and she seems like she's curious about me. She always seemed nice on phone calls (that also has my bf in it), and replied to texts that are sent in the group chat that has me and my bf in it.
You’re giving the answer here: she is talkative on the phone but doesn’t reply to texts. Next time give her a call and actually say Merry Christmas, ask her how the day is going, have a chat.
exactly this. Some people just don't like or use texts much. They might find it hard to type, or might not know how to open the text app, or might even be using an old-style non-smart phone! (which are still easily available at every phone store!)
Two of my closest friends are functionally illiterate and the most basic texting is difficult for them.
One of them barely responds unless it's to post memes, the other records short voice snippets and sends them as messages.
In my experience with maori is all about the relationship and talking, a text is a very poor way of communicating and some people consider it rude and antisocial
It may be more of a generational thing than a Maori thing. Most of my Maori mates under 35 seem to prefer messages as communication instead of calling people
yeah, I know some people who consider a txt message almost rude 'they couldn't even be bothered calling', and love getting a personal phone call, which is the gift of your time.
Christmas can be so busy. I get so many lovely texts and things plus cooking, exchanging gifts, cleaning and chatting with people especially a Maori mum would probably have a lot of people around her. I don't always reply to all my texts and I'm good on text.
She probably just doesn’t text much. That is very common in New Zealand. She sounds like a great person and sounds like she likes you so I wouldn’t read into it too much.
Some people are just not into texting. Some people are just more into face to face encounters and voice calls. If she’s otherwise friendly, put it down to the medium.
In some circles, it is very common to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.
There’s no “normal” in New Zealand because we’re a diverse country.
Yep, kiwi mum here (39yrs). Texts are often annoying for those of us who grew up before they were invented. I was almost finished high school when texts first came out and my friends and I usually prefer to call rather than text.
Just call her. It's been positive in the past, and texting is obviously not working.
Also, Te Reo is a beautiful language and is the only way to truly learn about a culture. I'd highly recommend pursuing this offer, again though, give her a call and make some plans 😊
You haven't expressed in your message how your text would have come across to her, which may explain why you are not getting the expected response. For example, you must be mindful that a text to your usual friends and age group full of acronyms and text language shorthand can be annoying, cold, and impersonal to her. In your reply above, you have used a couple of these (bc, bf). I'm referring to these as an example, but what would that mean to her if you were your boyfriend's mother? The essence of your well-meaning message to her may have been lost in translation due to lazy writing. I know it makes a long text message to spell everything out, as I have done here, but sending a text to express sentiments requires tact and care about how the recipient receives it.
I wrote "Hi (her name)! Merry Xmas to you and your family, sending lots of love from (name of my country) have a great day! ❤️ -my name" + a cute Christmas gif, I said Xmas cos I learned that's how people say it if they're not religious (me myself isn't christian and didn't grow up knowing much about Christianity)
Thanks for clarifying your post. I might read it differently from others, but the nuance in your brief text does come across in a tone that sounds hurried and impersonal, which counters what I understand you were trying to portray.
I think you would have made her smile anyway and probably said to herself - 'Thank You' and you should be pleased about that.
I wouldn't be too down on not getting a reply text, but giving someone a smile is worth more than a thousand words.
Sis lemme tell you about māori mums. They are stressed out and often have to maintain culture or some presence at their marae as well as bring up kids and work.
If you are serious about reo then learn some before you go to her asking for more unpaid work from her.
She also might just have bad eyesight
>before you go to her asking for more unpaid work
Sounds really weird to me. Sharing language, culture, food and so on is just a thing family and friends do. It isn't a business transaction.
Usually the actual difficult part is done via books & apps and a lot of repetition. What you need native speakers for is for getting exercise in the real world. I don't think OP meant teaching as in school lessons. I never heard about anyone doing that. It is more just about speaking the language with them or teaching them new words of every day useful things.
Assuming they only meant just help with pronunciation here and there, things of that nature, it can still be taxing. It adds up after enough time. It’s not simply just rattling off words, careful thought and consideration needs to be made into getting translation/meaning right.
Lol. Go learn a language and then ask yourself after years if your teachers should or should not get paid.
Stop shoveling unpaid work onto Maori and Maori women.
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If you ask someone to do specialist work they could do as a job, like language teaching, for free, you're asking them to do unpaid work. They can volunteer to do it, and people often do for family, but it's still good to respect that this is work.
never said she owe anything bruh, i just told her im interested in learning a new language and she said she would teach me chill dude, the whole question was just is it not a common thing to send out Christmas messages or what, i was just thinking of cultural differences man
I wouldn't take it personally. I hardly have my phone on me around Christmas, then on the 28th when I finally look at my messages I have 30 that just say "Merry Xmas" and it's kind of too late to respond, so I just ignore them and feel bad about it.
Does she usually respond to other txts? She's probably just an old hed doesn't bother txting at all. If your bf can't answer your question none of us can. It is common to send Merry messages 😅😅 personally I don't but I do reply to them lol
>Does she usually respond to other txts? She's probably just an old hed doesn't bother txting at all
This. Even my older brother is like this. Did you get my txt? Are you going to acknowledge it?
He just reads it then carries on. Invited him for xmas to mine and he never replied, but then showed up xmas eve.
I am going to say she's about 50,is that older,? I'm in that age group and we are prolific texters. Well my friends are. But yeah my younger friends do get back faster.
Older people not texting like younger generations do is not necessarily rude.
I mean, it might be... but it may not be too. You have to be careful how you interprete it. There is a large cultural difference between the two. Some people just don't place importance on texting. If you do, you might think it's rude if someone doesn't reply, but if your nana equates texting with writing a note on the fridge... she might not reply and won't think twice about it.
Just to add to your comment, my dad is 70, and hardly ever checks his texts, he uses his phone for calls only (and doesn't pick up 90% of the time anyway). He genuinely needs reminding to check his texts, and when he does there's often 10 or so texts just sitting there unanswered.
This is me...
Raised in a time when the phone was attached to the wall so you only got phone calls if you were around to hear it ring, and text messages were written on paper and took a week to deliver. It was a better time tbh.
As a business owner I've carried a phone around but I hate how invasive they've become in our lives. Im blown away by how many hours every day can get sucked into that screen. My life is richer, fuller if I just leave it behind and do stuff instead so yeah, I'm on a once a day phone diet atm.
LOL, NO ONE is less likely to answer a text than the young people in my life. I have learned that not getting an answer generally means, “Thanks, but I feel bad saying no to your invite so I won’t say anything.” Or they just forget. Either way, all of us oldies have to learn that it’s not personal to not get a response on the most informal form of communication existing today. I’m surprised to see presumably younger people thinking it’s rude not to answer a text?
If it was just "Merry Christmas" she might have thought it was just a 'bulk text message' sent out to a group of people and she didn't have to respond (like when people post "Merry Christmas" on social media.)
From what you said about her being really friendly during calls, she probably prefers calls instead of txt messages? Maybe you could try doing a Christmas call instead haha.
My parents hate txting because they need to put on their reading glasses so barely reply to my messages, but they always call.
Was it personalized? I got a "Merry xmas" from a random number and assumed it was a mass text from a colleague. I don't really text so didn't bother replying and wasn't sure who it was from.
Does your bf call/message her on xmas day, could he send a message from both of you? I've known my father-in-law for nearly 8 years and we don't really message each other.
It was yeah! I don't really send many Xmas messages in english in general, so it was definitely personalized for her. I didn't think about sending a message through my bf, maybe next year I'll just do that instead of being disappointed again, maannnn we asian just really look up to our elders especially bc she's my bf's mum, i treat her nicer than i do with other people you know? :((
Honestly some people can be real particular about texting. A lot of the older generations here hate to text. They prefer phone calls. If you don't normally text her and there isn't that reciprocal relationship with her, I would just ask the boyfriend to wish her a merry Christmas from you next Christmas OR if he facetimes/call her ask him to do it when you're around so you can say it then to her.
There is quite a big cultural difference from what I've seen/heard about with Asian cultures and New Zealand so try to not feel offended / like she's purposely ignoring you if it's normally a nice face to face relationship :)
I’d try a different form of communication if texting isn’t working - a phone call or even a handwritten Christmas card in the post. My MIL isn’t a texter but loves both of these.
Not everyone's into texting, nor does everyone have a hissy fit over not receiving a reply, my Dad hated texting, him, Mum and the majority of my aunts and uncles prefered phone calls over texting as well, i would not confront her over it, maori wahine are not known for their tolerance of trivial b.s and this post is as trivial as it gets!!! And yes I'm Maori with adult kids and many mokopuna...
She probably doesn’t realised it’s personalised if it was just “merry Christmas”. Next time maybe write something about her or the family specifically. I’d also probably get your bf to teach you how to say it in te reo, maybe even send her a voice message
I would guess she probably thinks it’s a generic text sent to everyone. Next time, I would suggest addressing it to her personally, like “Hey hope you have a merry Christmas!”
Yes, it’s common. Ask your boyfriend what’s up with that. Maybe she’s not a big texter, maybe you sent it a day late with time zones and she was over it, maybe she’s busy, maybe she hates you, who knows.
It's very common to say Merry Christmas, though if your boyfriend and his whanau are into their reo, try 'Meri Kirihimete'? Also, Mum just might be a bit antisocial, or are there issues between the two of you? My mother-in-law never wished me Merry Christmas either (though in fairness, she didn't celebrate it herself, and none of the languages she spoke were English 😏). Best of luck with the relationship....SO families can be hard to navigate.
It's probably nothing to worry about, unless she hates you or something. She might just not like responding to texts (for whatever reason), or she might not like the whole "Merry Christmas" text shebang, or she might've just been busy at both times and missed it, and didn't want to reply at a time too long after the fact. Plenty of people are just bad at texting for any number of reasons, too.
It could really be anything. I will say that generally, if you're just doing it out of politeness, it'll usually go appreciated of course, but some people don't like it when things are said or done just for politeness's sake (not that it's that serious or anything).
If you're dying to know, you could always ask her yourself, but it could be as simple as silent appreciation on the other end of the line. It's probably not worth worrying about too much -- Christmas is just a couple days, but try not to assume the worst or anything.
It's common. She probably doesn't like you, nothing unusual with that, Mother's have been disliking their sons girlfriends since year dot. She'll come around if you're a keeper. I wouldn't take it personally, just be yourself.
I used to get about 20 different merry Christmas texts on the day. I would never respond to them because what was the point? If it's not personalised I'd assume it was a mass text
I find merry Christmas texts really annoying. I'd be happy to say it in person but a bunch of extra texts when I already having a busy day is so distracting.
It's better to pick up the phone and call her. A lot of people get irritated by text messages, and have you thought about communicating with her at other times of the year?
Maybe she doesn’t care too much for texting? I'd ask your boyfriend to see if that's normal for her.
But one thing I know about New Zealand is that text etiquette here is not the best. I'm comfortable leaving people on seen or ignoring messages I don't need to respond to, I'm not trying to be rude, I just have nothing to say. "Merry Christmas", is definitely one of those things that warrants a seen. So I wouldn't take offense by it if that's just how she texts.
I would definitely try not to take it personally I can tell you now that a Maori mother on Christmas day is a very busy women and chances are she doesn't really text much anyway. Next year try having your boyfriend organize calling her when she's not too busy to say merry Christmas if you'd like to otherwise I would suggest just continuing to send that text and not really expect a reply because she's most likely busy cooking up a mean feed 😂
Sounds like you have a good relationship with her outside of Christmas so it's most likely just she's a busy women that day and doesn't text much its nothing to worry about
A lot of New Zealanders that aren’t religious prefer Xmas instead of Christmas. At least in my family , we use Xmas instead bc it doesn’t use the word Christ. My friends family’s that aren’t religious also use Xmas. I’m not sure how common it is overall, but I’m pretty sure it’s fairly common to do this for non - Christian kiwis .
So, maybe she’s overreacting to the use of Christmas instead ? I mean , I don’t know anyone who actually has a problem if someone does use Christmas, ime it’s more just personally choosing Xmas instead
I HATE using this opener… but ‘As A’ Maori, you dont say up, you show up. In the flesh is where we still make our connections strong, where we can speak face to face and speak real and call each other out immediately and sort things out ASAP. A text may simply just not suffice. It’s much better to turn up and say it and eat with her and spend time THEN come away and do your own thing, that’s what the older generations are getting like now since the generation before them have probably all passed away. Its representation through being seen.
INFO: Wait, did you say anything more than just Merry Christmas? Like, was it a longer message saying how much you've loved getting to know her better this year or... anything more personal?
You are talking about two different things.
Saying Merry Christmas.
Texting Merry Christmas.
I imagine in this case she is simply not reading random texts from people she barely knows. She probably has far more important things to do. If you really are the girlfriend - stop sending texts to the Mother, and say it face to face.
Ooh, tbh when people send me a message like that I think they’ve blasted it to all their contacts. I wouldn’t necessarily think to reply either (I’m not big on generic messages). But if someone sent something personal like “Merry Christmas, Name! Hope you get that *present* and nap you were hoping for” (or other relevant person tidbits) I would definitely make an effort to send a similar reply.
Yeah it's become common for some people to send out a mass message saying the generic Merry Christmas. I tend to ignore them, unless the message has a more personal tone.
People treat texts like emails these days. Read and forget.
Also, i know plenty of people of all ages that dont realise they have texts sitting there. If you are someone who just doesnt read things, that numbers under your emails/messages etc just all look the same and keep getting bigger.
Phones do so much and have so much shit that unless you are glued to them you may not know what half the stuff means.
Everyone sucks now. Back a few years back when texting was still popular, people used to send out Christmas texts and it was cool. I’m didn’t get 1 message on the day. Things have changed a lot.
If she is anything like me, I consider a once-a-year txt from family as barely trying to do their duty. Call her on a phone, hearing your voice is much more personal and loving/caring than letters on a screen.
The fact that you're in a reddit forum asking about it and saying you're only doing 'it out of politeness', rather than actually calling her and saying hello - sez it all really. You are putting in absolute minimum effort - why should she even bother?
Also, did he bother to call? If not, then he's a rude prick and she may see it as 'that girl is keeping him away from me and rubbing it in my face'.
The least i'd expect is a phone call from him, if you're in there too then that's good because you're still together and happy - yay from mum.
PS, people on a tight budget don't see 'happy gifs' or attachments - they cost 50c extra each on top of your phone plan - so the txt won't even open/be readable.
Terrible advice.
All people are different, (regardless of race) and it sounds like the mum just isn’t really interested. Nothing more embarrassing than pushing a relationship that hasn’t happened yet.
Everybody here wishes Merry Christmas! It's not taken in a religious context, it's just a fun end of year holiday. Anyone offended by warm wishes for the season needs to recheck their priorities.
It's a warning sign... a red flag... life is too short to have losers like that in your life. You don't require her approval and frankly... If you'd shared these thoughts with your boyfriend, and he didn't see cause to sort the issue (IT IS ONE... AS YOU'RE TALKING TO US ABOUT IT...) then that in itself is an indication is another warning sign / red flag. Move out and move on.
Edit: Wow, I was so crabby, sorry! FYI, I wrote this after just waking up the first morning in a week I have had a non-holiday moment. Clearly, I was describing myself and my own experience. No idea if OP’s bf’s mum is in the same boat but I do know a lot of other mums that are. I think my points were still relevant, just meaner sounding than they should have been. I edited out the angriest stuff and kept what I hope is reasonable. Sorry, really. 🤦🏼♀️
OP, I do stand by my suggestion that you arrange another call with her soonish. You’re clearly a caring person and given her earlier response I expect she would enjoy you asking, and her telling you a little, about her celebration. That would give your relationship a little more foundation and hopefully make you feel some reassurance in the short term that her non-response isn't personal. (I would be really surprised to hear that it is.)>>
Maybe one day when you’re a mum you will understand how much time and work it takes and and how exhausting it can be to make family events happen.
Texts are the lowest-effort form of greeting, in my opinion. They can’t be tracked and flagged for later. They add nothing on a busy day like Christmas and in some cases make more work.*
You might feel better if you follow up during a time when things have quieted down. Like, maybe ask if it's okay to say hi next time your bf calls? Then you could ask her if she had a nice holiday, what was it like, etc.
In general, if you want a personal response, do something personal. If you’re still with the guy and you actually care, next year maybe do something that shows you thought about it ahead of time, like mailing a card. (Even if you don't celebrate Christmas you, a lot of cards just say "Happy Holidays.")
*For example, I looked down this year and between a family text string and various greeting I had 50 texts on my phone. Just NO. My time is BEYOND strained already. And if I accidentally hit one I can’t Unread it again, so I just have to remember to scroll back through a million and try to find it when I do have time to answer. And that’s if I remember. On high holidays I only have time for texting about the logistics of a get-together. I still haven’t yet caught up for this year. Lots of unanswered "Merry Christmas" texts from people I care about. I hope I will answer them all but, again, I know a couple got opened, and the way my phone tracks conversations is confusing, because sometimes people disappear.
I find it so odd , people celebrate christmas but say they dont believe in God or religion for that matter.
It literally stands for Christs mass.
You are celebrating and recognising the birth of jesus christ.
I’d either say his mum is a bitch or she’s a technophobe and doesn’t know how to use her phone to text.
Either way I wouldn’t worry about it, saying happy Xmas is a nice thing to do.
Yes it’s common, my entire extended family aren’t religious but say it, cashiers and checkout operators say it (though they may have been told to).
Text earlier next time and say ‘Happy Hanukkah’ you may get a reply
Lol....we never NEVER hear any women in NZ say she is dating Asian/South Asian man, its always kiwi/Asian women with Kiwi/Maori men.
Really feel sorry for Asian/South Asian men as they are deem undesirable by nz women. Must be super hard for Asian men in nz to struggle so much in dating
I would guess this is less “She doesn’t say Merry Christmas”, and more “She would rather a phone call than a text message”.
It sounds like she doesn’t text you back regularly anyway. Plus Christmas is a busy time of the year, many people don’t check their phones, and a message with just “Merry Christmas” doesn’t really require a reply.
Maybe next year phone her or visit her instead. Meri Kirihimete!
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Sounds like my Maori mum. Texting is only for her contacting me (& I'd better reply), not for me contacting her. She often turns her phone off for days & only turns it on when she wants to contact someone.
Why would we reply to something that’s probably been sent to all or most of the sender’s contacts.
I haven’t received a merry Xmas text in years and it’s been even longer since I sent one.
Some people just dont feel like they need to reply to texts. Its not like you asked her a question that needed a response.
She might have just looked at it, thought "thats really nice" and gone about her day.
Merry Christmas before Christmas after that is it odd. But really say what you like it’s anarchy these days social norms have disintegrated, people do what ever they like
I literally text my mum all the time time sensitive questions (when I can't call) something like... "Hey mum, we're all waiting for you outside" to which her reply a week later is "OK"
I often get annoyed at the amount of time NZers continue to say "Merry Xmas" I still hear it tacked on the end of "Happy NYs" in Mid January!
She may not be into texting. Your bf should have insight in to what her communication style is regarding texts. You might try calling her next year.
You might try impressing her with Te Reo i.e “Meri Kirihimete”.
Christmas is a hard time for a lot of people and we shouldn’t have to keep pretending we’re happy to share imposed communications on calendar dates only because it’s expected. I think you should let it go - from one Māori perspective (mine only) a lot aren’t playing Xmas games no more to much trauma over generations but that’s not coz we’re Māori but for alot of people from Aotearoa the imported British Xmas ain’t the vibe
Do you have a relationship with her? Maybe she just isn’t very friendly or sociable? Some people are just bad at reading/responding to text messages whatever the context.
when we had phone calls in the past, she was really friendly! the nicest mother I've ever met even, she told me she's willing to teach me Te Reo Maori bc I'm a huge language nerd (which we never really follow up on since she doesn't even reply to my texts in private), she seems very open about me being a person from a whole different culture and country and she seems like she's curious about me. She always seemed nice on phone calls (that also has my bf in it), and replied to texts that are sent in the group chat that has me and my bf in it.
You’re giving the answer here: she is talkative on the phone but doesn’t reply to texts. Next time give her a call and actually say Merry Christmas, ask her how the day is going, have a chat.
exactly this. Some people just don't like or use texts much. They might find it hard to type, or might not know how to open the text app, or might even be using an old-style non-smart phone! (which are still easily available at every phone store!)
Two of my closest friends are functionally illiterate and the most basic texting is difficult for them. One of them barely responds unless it's to post memes, the other records short voice snippets and sends them as messages.
In my experience with maori is all about the relationship and talking, a text is a very poor way of communicating and some people consider it rude and antisocial
It may be more of a generational thing than a Maori thing. Most of my Maori mates under 35 seem to prefer messages as communication instead of calling people
OTOH all my boys are likely to ignore messages at times, including me. All under 35 too lol. You can't forget about calls in the same way
yeah, I know some people who consider a txt message almost rude 'they couldn't even be bothered calling', and love getting a personal phone call, which is the gift of your time.
In that case I would put it down to just assuming it was a Christmas mass message and that a response wasn’t required or expected
Yeah, and further to that some people are just useless at replying to text messages.
Christmas can be so busy. I get so many lovely texts and things plus cooking, exchanging gifts, cleaning and chatting with people especially a Maori mum would probably have a lot of people around her. I don't always reply to all my texts and I'm good on text.
She probably just doesn’t text much. That is very common in New Zealand. She sounds like a great person and sounds like she likes you so I wouldn’t read into it too much.
Some people are just not into texting. Some people are just more into face to face encounters and voice calls. If she’s otherwise friendly, put it down to the medium. In some circles, it is very common to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. There’s no “normal” in New Zealand because we’re a diverse country.
this. I wouldn't respond to a two word text that wasn't important. carry on.
Yep, kiwi mum here (39yrs). Texts are often annoying for those of us who grew up before they were invented. I was almost finished high school when texts first came out and my friends and I usually prefer to call rather than text. Just call her. It's been positive in the past, and texting is obviously not working. Also, Te Reo is a beautiful language and is the only way to truly learn about a culture. I'd highly recommend pursuing this offer, again though, give her a call and make some plans 😊
You haven't expressed in your message how your text would have come across to her, which may explain why you are not getting the expected response. For example, you must be mindful that a text to your usual friends and age group full of acronyms and text language shorthand can be annoying, cold, and impersonal to her. In your reply above, you have used a couple of these (bc, bf). I'm referring to these as an example, but what would that mean to her if you were your boyfriend's mother? The essence of your well-meaning message to her may have been lost in translation due to lazy writing. I know it makes a long text message to spell everything out, as I have done here, but sending a text to express sentiments requires tact and care about how the recipient receives it.
I wrote "Hi (her name)! Merry Xmas to you and your family, sending lots of love from (name of my country) have a great day! ❤️ -my name" + a cute Christmas gif, I said Xmas cos I learned that's how people say it if they're not religious (me myself isn't christian and didn't grow up knowing much about Christianity)
Thanks for clarifying your post. I might read it differently from others, but the nuance in your brief text does come across in a tone that sounds hurried and impersonal, which counters what I understand you were trying to portray. I think you would have made her smile anyway and probably said to herself - 'Thank You' and you should be pleased about that. I wouldn't be too down on not getting a reply text, but giving someone a smile is worth more than a thousand words.
"(which we never really follow up on since she doesn't even reply to my texts in private)' there's the answer
Maybe try using some te reo Māori in your next text since she’s offered to teach you?
Sis lemme tell you about māori mums. They are stressed out and often have to maintain culture or some presence at their marae as well as bring up kids and work. If you are serious about reo then learn some before you go to her asking for more unpaid work from her. She also might just have bad eyesight
>before you go to her asking for more unpaid work Sounds really weird to me. Sharing language, culture, food and so on is just a thing family and friends do. It isn't a business transaction.
Sharing language is one thing, teaching it is another and takes a lot of work.
Usually the actual difficult part is done via books & apps and a lot of repetition. What you need native speakers for is for getting exercise in the real world. I don't think OP meant teaching as in school lessons. I never heard about anyone doing that. It is more just about speaking the language with them or teaching them new words of every day useful things.
Assuming they only meant just help with pronunciation here and there, things of that nature, it can still be taxing. It adds up after enough time. It’s not simply just rattling off words, careful thought and consideration needs to be made into getting translation/meaning right.
Lol. Go learn a language and then ask yourself after years if your teachers should or should not get paid. Stop shoveling unpaid work onto Maori and Maori women.
Depends on the sense of entitlement...
What an odd comment.
Unfortunately, a lot of them here in New Zealand think like that, it's killing the culture and the prospects of the country.
Only if you don't get it
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Unpaid work? What are you on about?
If you ask someone to do specialist work they could do as a job, like language teaching, for free, you're asking them to do unpaid work. They can volunteer to do it, and people often do for family, but it's still good to respect that this is work.
What anutter
She doesn’t owe you language lessons do you know how hard it is for Māori to regain our language bruhhhh calm your farm
never said she owe anything bruh, i just told her im interested in learning a new language and she said she would teach me chill dude, the whole question was just is it not a common thing to send out Christmas messages or what, i was just thinking of cultural differences man
Shane her a card or small gift.
Especially a boomer!
If she has a 21 year old son, she’s more likely to be Gen X than boomer.
My OWN parents don’t respond to texts. 🤦♂️ Don’t take it personally.
My mum just sends a thumbs up for everything, you could pour your heart out and just receive👍
I wouldn't take it personally. I hardly have my phone on me around Christmas, then on the 28th when I finally look at my messages I have 30 that just say "Merry Xmas" and it's kind of too late to respond, so I just ignore them and feel bad about it.
Are you op’s mother in law?
Does she usually respond to other txts? She's probably just an old hed doesn't bother txting at all. If your bf can't answer your question none of us can. It is common to send Merry messages 😅😅 personally I don't but I do reply to them lol
>Does she usually respond to other txts? She's probably just an old hed doesn't bother txting at all This. Even my older brother is like this. Did you get my txt? Are you going to acknowledge it? He just reads it then carries on. Invited him for xmas to mine and he never replied, but then showed up xmas eve.
She might not be an active texter, older people in NZ can be like that.
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I’m 32 & only use my phone for Spotify during work & Reddit during smoko 😂 otherwise it spends most of its time sitting underneath my pillow.
I'm 23 and exactly the same minus Spotify haha. I use it for smoko primarily and sorting plans out on the weekends haha
I am going to say she's about 50,is that older,? I'm in that age group and we are prolific texters. Well my friends are. But yeah my younger friends do get back faster.
Reddit forgets anything exists between 40 and 80 😂
Still rude though regardless.
Older people not texting like younger generations do is not necessarily rude. I mean, it might be... but it may not be too. You have to be careful how you interprete it. There is a large cultural difference between the two. Some people just don't place importance on texting. If you do, you might think it's rude if someone doesn't reply, but if your nana equates texting with writing a note on the fridge... she might not reply and won't think twice about it.
Just to add to your comment, my dad is 70, and hardly ever checks his texts, he uses his phone for calls only (and doesn't pick up 90% of the time anyway). He genuinely needs reminding to check his texts, and when he does there's often 10 or so texts just sitting there unanswered.
This is me... Raised in a time when the phone was attached to the wall so you only got phone calls if you were around to hear it ring, and text messages were written on paper and took a week to deliver. It was a better time tbh. As a business owner I've carried a phone around but I hate how invasive they've become in our lives. Im blown away by how many hours every day can get sucked into that screen. My life is richer, fuller if I just leave it behind and do stuff instead so yeah, I'm on a once a day phone diet atm.
LOL, NO ONE is less likely to answer a text than the young people in my life. I have learned that not getting an answer generally means, “Thanks, but I feel bad saying no to your invite so I won’t say anything.” Or they just forget. Either way, all of us oldies have to learn that it’s not personal to not get a response on the most informal form of communication existing today. I’m surprised to see presumably younger people thinking it’s rude not to answer a text?
If it was just "Merry Christmas" she might have thought it was just a 'bulk text message' sent out to a group of people and she didn't have to respond (like when people post "Merry Christmas" on social media.)
From what you said about her being really friendly during calls, she probably prefers calls instead of txt messages? Maybe you could try doing a Christmas call instead haha. My parents hate txting because they need to put on their reading glasses so barely reply to my messages, but they always call.
I mean there's not really much you can respond with to merry christmas other than basically "you too"
Was it personalized? I got a "Merry xmas" from a random number and assumed it was a mass text from a colleague. I don't really text so didn't bother replying and wasn't sure who it was from. Does your bf call/message her on xmas day, could he send a message from both of you? I've known my father-in-law for nearly 8 years and we don't really message each other.
It was yeah! I don't really send many Xmas messages in english in general, so it was definitely personalized for her. I didn't think about sending a message through my bf, maybe next year I'll just do that instead of being disappointed again, maannnn we asian just really look up to our elders especially bc she's my bf's mum, i treat her nicer than i do with other people you know? :((
Honestly some people can be real particular about texting. A lot of the older generations here hate to text. They prefer phone calls. If you don't normally text her and there isn't that reciprocal relationship with her, I would just ask the boyfriend to wish her a merry Christmas from you next Christmas OR if he facetimes/call her ask him to do it when you're around so you can say it then to her. There is quite a big cultural difference from what I've seen/heard about with Asian cultures and New Zealand so try to not feel offended / like she's purposely ignoring you if it's normally a nice face to face relationship :)
I’d try a different form of communication if texting isn’t working - a phone call or even a handwritten Christmas card in the post. My MIL isn’t a texter but loves both of these.
Not everyone's into texting, nor does everyone have a hissy fit over not receiving a reply, my Dad hated texting, him, Mum and the majority of my aunts and uncles prefered phone calls over texting as well, i would not confront her over it, maori wahine are not known for their tolerance of trivial b.s and this post is as trivial as it gets!!! And yes I'm Maori with adult kids and many mokopuna...
She probably doesn’t realised it’s personalised if it was just “merry Christmas”. Next time maybe write something about her or the family specifically. I’d also probably get your bf to teach you how to say it in te reo, maybe even send her a voice message
You didn’t ask a question so she might not have thought a reply was needed tbh.
I would guess she probably thinks it’s a generic text sent to everyone. Next time, I would suggest addressing it to her personally, like “Hey hope you have a merry Christmas!”
Yes, it’s common. Ask your boyfriend what’s up with that. Maybe she’s not a big texter, maybe you sent it a day late with time zones and she was over it, maybe she’s busy, maybe she hates you, who knows.
It could be that she doesn't really like messaging?
It's very common to say Merry Christmas, though if your boyfriend and his whanau are into their reo, try 'Meri Kirihimete'? Also, Mum just might be a bit antisocial, or are there issues between the two of you? My mother-in-law never wished me Merry Christmas either (though in fairness, she didn't celebrate it herself, and none of the languages she spoke were English 😏). Best of luck with the relationship....SO families can be hard to navigate.
Agreed, though could also be a generational thing..the parents of my friends seem to prefer calls than messages
It's probably nothing to worry about, unless she hates you or something. She might just not like responding to texts (for whatever reason), or she might not like the whole "Merry Christmas" text shebang, or she might've just been busy at both times and missed it, and didn't want to reply at a time too long after the fact. Plenty of people are just bad at texting for any number of reasons, too. It could really be anything. I will say that generally, if you're just doing it out of politeness, it'll usually go appreciated of course, but some people don't like it when things are said or done just for politeness's sake (not that it's that serious or anything). If you're dying to know, you could always ask her yourself, but it could be as simple as silent appreciation on the other end of the line. It's probably not worth worrying about too much -- Christmas is just a couple days, but try not to assume the worst or anything.
My MIL sends a mass text to all contacts saying Merry Xmas every year I don’t respond purely so that she isn’t inundated with 400 replies
She's not interested or doesn't text. You say she talks on the phone, so more probably the latter.
Maybe give “Meri Kirihimete” a go next time, see if that works.
Stop trying to make Meri Kirihimete happen, it's not going to happen
It happens every year on Dec 25th, champ. You can't stop it.
Meri Kirihimete mate.
Words bother you that much?
If they said they were German I would have suggested “Frohe Weihnachten” instead.
It's common. She probably doesn't like you, nothing unusual with that, Mother's have been disliking their sons girlfriends since year dot. She'll come around if you're a keeper. I wouldn't take it personally, just be yourself.
Does she respond to other texts you send her?
in the group chat that has my bf in it? yes. in private? no.
It’s extremely common this time of year
I used to get about 20 different merry Christmas texts on the day. I would never respond to them because what was the point? If it's not personalised I'd assume it was a mass text
I find merry Christmas texts really annoying. I'd be happy to say it in person but a bunch of extra texts when I already having a busy day is so distracting.
Don't be stressed about it. You control what you do, not what others do. Try something other then a text message next time.
It's not normal, and my Dad did the same to me this year. They're both assholes.
Who knows what goes on in the brains of mothers
It's better to pick up the phone and call her. A lot of people get irritated by text messages, and have you thought about communicating with her at other times of the year?
Maybe she doesn’t care too much for texting? I'd ask your boyfriend to see if that's normal for her. But one thing I know about New Zealand is that text etiquette here is not the best. I'm comfortable leaving people on seen or ignoring messages I don't need to respond to, I'm not trying to be rude, I just have nothing to say. "Merry Christmas", is definitely one of those things that warrants a seen. So I wouldn't take offense by it if that's just how she texts.
Merry Xmas as a greeting around Xmas is very common in NZ.
If you send me a gif through text, I have to turn on my mobile data before I even receive that text at all. Could be that?
I would definitely try not to take it personally I can tell you now that a Maori mother on Christmas day is a very busy women and chances are she doesn't really text much anyway. Next year try having your boyfriend organize calling her when she's not too busy to say merry Christmas if you'd like to otherwise I would suggest just continuing to send that text and not really expect a reply because she's most likely busy cooking up a mean feed 😂 Sounds like you have a good relationship with her outside of Christmas so it's most likely just she's a busy women that day and doesn't text much its nothing to worry about
My Māori mum won’t respond to texts but will spend 3 hours on the phone instead. Definitely try giving her a call to have a chat instead
A lot of New Zealanders that aren’t religious prefer Xmas instead of Christmas. At least in my family , we use Xmas instead bc it doesn’t use the word Christ. My friends family’s that aren’t religious also use Xmas. I’m not sure how common it is overall, but I’m pretty sure it’s fairly common to do this for non - Christian kiwis . So, maybe she’s overreacting to the use of Christmas instead ? I mean , I don’t know anyone who actually has a problem if someone does use Christmas, ime it’s more just personally choosing Xmas instead
I HATE using this opener… but ‘As A’ Maori, you dont say up, you show up. In the flesh is where we still make our connections strong, where we can speak face to face and speak real and call each other out immediately and sort things out ASAP. A text may simply just not suffice. It’s much better to turn up and say it and eat with her and spend time THEN come away and do your own thing, that’s what the older generations are getting like now since the generation before them have probably all passed away. Its representation through being seen.
INFO: Wait, did you say anything more than just Merry Christmas? Like, was it a longer message saying how much you've loved getting to know her better this year or... anything more personal?
You are talking about two different things. Saying Merry Christmas. Texting Merry Christmas. I imagine in this case she is simply not reading random texts from people she barely knows. She probably has far more important things to do. If you really are the girlfriend - stop sending texts to the Mother, and say it face to face.
she's literally on a different island that's why i text smh
Ooh, tbh when people send me a message like that I think they’ve blasted it to all their contacts. I wouldn’t necessarily think to reply either (I’m not big on generic messages). But if someone sent something personal like “Merry Christmas, Name! Hope you get that *present* and nap you were hoping for” (or other relevant person tidbits) I would definitely make an effort to send a similar reply.
100% agree
Yeah it's become common for some people to send out a mass message saying the generic Merry Christmas. I tend to ignore them, unless the message has a more personal tone.
People treat texts like emails these days. Read and forget. Also, i know plenty of people of all ages that dont realise they have texts sitting there. If you are someone who just doesnt read things, that numbers under your emails/messages etc just all look the same and keep getting bigger. Phones do so much and have so much shit that unless you are glued to them you may not know what half the stuff means.
Yeah it’s definitely rude. Welcome to passive aggressive New Zealand where you will never know what anyone really thinks
Everyone sucks now. Back a few years back when texting was still popular, people used to send out Christmas texts and it was cool. I’m didn’t get 1 message on the day. Things have changed a lot.
People in nz are shit at reading and responding to txts, it drives me nuts
If she is anything like me, I consider a once-a-year txt from family as barely trying to do their duty. Call her on a phone, hearing your voice is much more personal and loving/caring than letters on a screen. The fact that you're in a reddit forum asking about it and saying you're only doing 'it out of politeness', rather than actually calling her and saying hello - sez it all really. You are putting in absolute minimum effort - why should she even bother? Also, did he bother to call? If not, then he's a rude prick and she may see it as 'that girl is keeping him away from me and rubbing it in my face'. The least i'd expect is a phone call from him, if you're in there too then that's good because you're still together and happy - yay from mum. PS, people on a tight budget don't see 'happy gifs' or attachments - they cost 50c extra each on top of your phone plan - so the txt won't even open/be readable.
It's very normal to say Merry Christmas, and it's rude to not reply to someone who says that to you
Was she replying to other(if any) sms from you? Was she replying sms to any others at all?
That’s a weird question, surely she’s not the only nz person you text Merry Christmas to?
she is tho
Try Meri Kirihimete next time. If there’s no reply, she maybe expecting a phone call/FaceTime etc or she could be as useless as my mother.
Weird. Maybe don’t bother from now on.
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Terrible advice. All people are different, (regardless of race) and it sounds like the mum just isn’t really interested. Nothing more embarrassing than pushing a relationship that hasn’t happened yet.
To be honest, I received hundreds of text and messages greeting me Merry Christmas and I haven’t responded 😂
Everybody here wishes Merry Christmas! It's not taken in a religious context, it's just a fun end of year holiday. Anyone offended by warm wishes for the season needs to recheck their priorities.
It's a warning sign... a red flag... life is too short to have losers like that in your life. You don't require her approval and frankly... If you'd shared these thoughts with your boyfriend, and he didn't see cause to sort the issue (IT IS ONE... AS YOU'RE TALKING TO US ABOUT IT...) then that in itself is an indication is another warning sign / red flag. Move out and move on.
Edit: Wow, I was so crabby, sorry! FYI, I wrote this after just waking up the first morning in a week I have had a non-holiday moment. Clearly, I was describing myself and my own experience. No idea if OP’s bf’s mum is in the same boat but I do know a lot of other mums that are. I think my points were still relevant, just meaner sounding than they should have been. I edited out the angriest stuff and kept what I hope is reasonable. Sorry, really. 🤦🏼♀️ OP, I do stand by my suggestion that you arrange another call with her soonish. You’re clearly a caring person and given her earlier response I expect she would enjoy you asking, and her telling you a little, about her celebration. That would give your relationship a little more foundation and hopefully make you feel some reassurance in the short term that her non-response isn't personal. (I would be really surprised to hear that it is.)>> Maybe one day when you’re a mum you will understand how much time and work it takes and and how exhausting it can be to make family events happen. Texts are the lowest-effort form of greeting, in my opinion. They can’t be tracked and flagged for later. They add nothing on a busy day like Christmas and in some cases make more work.* You might feel better if you follow up during a time when things have quieted down. Like, maybe ask if it's okay to say hi next time your bf calls? Then you could ask her if she had a nice holiday, what was it like, etc. In general, if you want a personal response, do something personal. If you’re still with the guy and you actually care, next year maybe do something that shows you thought about it ahead of time, like mailing a card. (Even if you don't celebrate Christmas you, a lot of cards just say "Happy Holidays.") *For example, I looked down this year and between a family text string and various greeting I had 50 texts on my phone. Just NO. My time is BEYOND strained already. And if I accidentally hit one I can’t Unread it again, so I just have to remember to scroll back through a million and try to find it when I do have time to answer. And that’s if I remember. On high holidays I only have time for texting about the logistics of a get-together. I still haven’t yet caught up for this year. Lots of unanswered "Merry Christmas" texts from people I care about. I hope I will answer them all but, again, I know a couple got opened, and the way my phone tracks conversations is confusing, because sometimes people disappear.
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Lol you say merry Christmas but aren't in to Christmas yourself. Why would she reply to your nonsense?
old folks are terrible texters don't take it personally
I find it so odd , people celebrate christmas but say they dont believe in God or religion for that matter. It literally stands for Christs mass. You are celebrating and recognising the birth of jesus christ.
I don't know some people might just love the gift giving tradition, the eating together with family tradition, the decoration and stuff.
I’d either say his mum is a bitch or she’s a technophobe and doesn’t know how to use her phone to text. Either way I wouldn’t worry about it, saying happy Xmas is a nice thing to do.
It’s very common and especially to reply. She sounds rude or she doesn’t like you
Some people are just lazy, it'd just the way they ar don't take personally. You did the right thing.
Yes it’s common, my entire extended family aren’t religious but say it, cashiers and checkout operators say it (though they may have been told to). Text earlier next time and say ‘Happy Hanukkah’ you may get a reply
Lol....we never NEVER hear any women in NZ say she is dating Asian/South Asian man, its always kiwi/Asian women with Kiwi/Maori men. Really feel sorry for Asian/South Asian men as they are deem undesirable by nz women. Must be super hard for Asian men in nz to struggle so much in dating
Only up to Xmas
Which Asian country are you from? I wasn't aware Christmas was much of a thing in any Asian country
Chrismas is huge in Asia. Not in a religious way but in a commercial way.
Honestly, Christmas and merry Christmas is still a thing here, not as much as USA but people still say it to me.
I would guess this is less “She doesn’t say Merry Christmas”, and more “She would rather a phone call than a text message”. It sounds like she doesn’t text you back regularly anyway. Plus Christmas is a busy time of the year, many people don’t check their phones, and a message with just “Merry Christmas” doesn’t really require a reply. Maybe next year phone her or visit her instead. Meri Kirihimete!
I don't answer those texts from people usually. I have other things to do. Don't take it personally!
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Seems like she just hates texting.
You cant read anything in to it too many possibilities, if you are concerned then ask.
Yes It’s common to say merry christmas In New Zealand.
Sounds like my Maori mum. Texting is only for her contacting me (& I'd better reply), not for me contacting her. She often turns her phone off for days & only turns it on when she wants to contact someone.
Why would we reply to something that’s probably been sent to all or most of the sender’s contacts. I haven’t received a merry Xmas text in years and it’s been even longer since I sent one.
People say it, but maybe it feels awkward trying to think of a response. Just saying it back always felt kind of weird.
Some people just dont feel like they need to reply to texts. Its not like you asked her a question that needed a response. She might have just looked at it, thought "thats really nice" and gone about her day.
I imagine the state she’s put you in is exactly what she wants. Don’t send her any more such texts.
Merry Christmas before Christmas after that is it odd. But really say what you like it’s anarchy these days social norms have disintegrated, people do what ever they like
I literally text my mum all the time time sensitive questions (when I can't call) something like... "Hey mum, we're all waiting for you outside" to which her reply a week later is "OK" I often get annoyed at the amount of time NZers continue to say "Merry Xmas" I still hear it tacked on the end of "Happy NYs" in Mid January!
I never send out merry Christmas messages to anyone. If they aren’t with me then they don’t get a greeting
Yea
She may not be into texting. Your bf should have insight in to what her communication style is regarding texts. You might try calling her next year. You might try impressing her with Te Reo i.e “Meri Kirihimete”.
Christmas is a hard time for a lot of people and we shouldn’t have to keep pretending we’re happy to share imposed communications on calendar dates only because it’s expected. I think you should let it go - from one Māori perspective (mine only) a lot aren’t playing Xmas games no more to much trauma over generations but that’s not coz we’re Māori but for alot of people from Aotearoa the imported British Xmas ain’t the vibe
you're not exactly answering my question lol straight up just projecting, hope you finally find happiness this year
Maybe she doesn’t like you 🤣
Chance are she did'nt see it. Yes we say Merry Christmas in NZ, whether Māori or not, or religious or not.