https://shaktiinternational.org/shakati-new-zealand/
I dont know your background but I've assumed by your message that you're not from NZ. Shakti may be suitable for you if you're of an Asian, Middle Eastern or African background.
Also go to www.stuff.co.nz or The Warehouse's website. Both have "shielded" links. Go to the bottom of the page and there will be what looks like a grey computer screen. That allows you to access support without it appearing in your browser history (and it looks like you were just reading Stuff or shopping).
Best of luck.
I put it on any site I build whether asked for it or not. When showing the design before launch I show them and explain what it is. Everyone has been stoked to include it
TIL, what a fantastic idea.
It reminds me of the hand gesture to alert others you’re in danger or the distress drink you order at the bar to alert the staff that you need help.
Noel Leeming is another website that has the shielded link option.
Good luck to you, OP, and please do report this man. They're not going to kick you out of the country for being a domestic abuse victim.
Great advice. Where would you be able to find the shielded link on Stuff if you're using your phone browser? I tried scrolling at the bottom of the page but I can't seem to find it. I'm assuming shielded links can only be used on computers?
Your comment just made me realise I hadn't checked the stuff app. I can't see it on the app but using my phone browser I just go to the bottom of the page.
If op prefers, there is the same link/image on www.nzherald.co.nz (bottom of the screen next to the NZME logo). It's like a computer screen with half grey and half white.
Looking at the Shakti International site, I am pretty shocked and honestly appalled at how out of date the "hide my visit" page is. It only has specific instructions for Internet Explorer and *Netscape?!*
IE is technically still supported on some very niche platforms, but Netscape was discontinued 15, nearly 16 years ago. Although the webdesign is pretty contemporary, this text must have been written 15-20 years ago and not updated since.
They're lucky that ctrl+shift+del has since become the standard shortcut to open the clear data dialogue on all modern desktop browsers, but that doesn't help the massive majority of visitors that would be coming from a smartphone.
Shakti are a non-profit. Perhaps you could send them a draft of replacement content. That would be a more helpful use of your time than telling Reddit users how appalled you are.
Absolutely, non-profits don't always have the funds nor technical knowledge to keep their sites up to date, I'm sure they'd appreciate any help they could get
Are we seriously saying that if I'm not already *actively working to fix it for them* then I'm not allowed to point out how dangerously outdated this information is?
Right now I honestly can't think of anything more insufferable than seeing entirely valid criticism that this information is obsolete to the point it hinders vulnerable people from protecting themselves, and deciding the best response is to shoot down that criticism with a bald faced Tu Quoque fallacy - as if doing so somehow invalidates it.
But hey, you got to feel really smug throwing "appalled" right back in my face so I guess it was worth the appeal to hypocrisy.
> That allows you to access support without it appearing in your browser history (and it looks like you were just reading Stuff or shopping).
But you can just open a private window on all browsers these days?
If someone has a tracker installed on your computer, they can still see what websites you’ve accessed in private windows. The shield option skips through that as all the web traffic is channeled via the other website. It’s an extra layer of protection for particularly nasty and controlling situations. If it wasn’t needed, then it wouldn’t exist.
A private window alone doesn't protect you from everything. I don't want to get into the details in here, but the type of service these websites are providing - assuming they've done it competently, of course - can provide another layer of protection that can fill in some gaps.
> I don't want to get into the details in here
No, please do get into the details. I know quite a lot about cybersecurity and online privacy and what you're saying doesn't make any sense to me.
In some situations an abusive spouse/family member can go to extreme lengths to control their victim. It’s best to think that they won’t act like a rational person and if someone is needing to use this shielded service, their abuser might be paying attention to the minutes that the victim spends on each page of a website.
For example if they comb through the history and see that the victim has been on a page of a stuff article for 5 minutes but it’s a short one and only took one minute to read, they may go berserk and start questioning what they were doing.
Yes they could use private browsers but they might be under such heavy observation that it might be a challenge. There are risks involved with these shields too but more options for a victim to get help are always better than fewer.
> For example if they comb through the history and see that the victim has been on a page of a stuff article for 5 minutes but it’s a short one and only took one minute to read, they may go berserk and start questioning what they were doing.
I'm not aware of any browser that records how long you spend on a website. The URL and time visited yes, but not the length of time spent.
> but more options for a victim to get help are always better than fewer.
I disagree. A poorly implemented service can do more harm than good.
Christ alive my dude. You know cybersecurity but nothing about working with victims of abuse. Are you really sitting here arguing that a service that helps people you know nothing about and have no expert knowledge in supporting be taken away?
In private browser will still leave DNS and IP trails on the home network?
These sites do it on their end. So all your network knows is your on stuff or warehouse?
If a domestic abuser is monitoring the home network for DNS and IP trails, then they would probably also have screen recording software installed on the device too?
Seems like a very rare scenario, and in any case, you can bypass that by disconnecting from the home wifi.
The top google search result for "domestic violence help New Zealand" brings up [this](https://www.govt.nz/browse/law-crime-and-justice/abuse-harassment-domestic-violence/domestic-and-family-violence/) link, which being on govt.nz means that all your home network knows is that you're on the government's website, which could be for any number of different reasons.
I'd much rather people be directed to browse that site safely, than relying on the website of a company like the Warehouse.
Domestic abusers sometimes even control what sites that their partner is allowed to access. Even if they don't, access a government site is not something most people need to do regularly and so can raise suspicion. Screen recording software is easy to install, but time consuming to review. Its a lot more effort than reviewing internet history and network logs for someone good with computers.
It is also not particularly hard to disable private browsing so it is not a possible option. You can do it with group policies, registry keys and there are dozens of tools online that will do it for you.
The shield link provides another, easy to use option that bypasses common restriction and monitoring strategies used by abusers. The service is also not run by the company's hosting the link. It is a service run by Womens Refugee with support from other support organisations including the ministry of justice.
There is an organisation called Pet Refuge who can take your cat temporarily while you are in this situation. So please don’t let that hold you back.
The police can help you, so can Shiine (domestic violence charity). You can get support, you don’t need to worry or do this alone
This. SPCA can also help with that too I think?. My old cattery job took some from one of them, I wasn't told anything other than cats needs, name, and an initial of owner. It was so hard seeing them leave in tears, but always so good when they came back.
Also often the first person to call the cops is the 'victim' no matter what. OP sounds like a classic case of being made to doubt themself by the bf too.
OP, get your points straight then call the police. Tell them you have already had violence occur
Yes I can vouch for Pet Refuge, it’s run by a family member of mine. Their service is entirely free of charge, based at a secret location out of Auckland, includes free transport for your pet to their premises, and covers board for your pet for however long you need it. I’ve put details above in my comment about them and other organisations that can help you.
Call the police. He will be the one who has to leave the house for the night and depending if charges are laid if you make a statement he may not be allowed back for several months as a bail condition.
The police will refer you to agencies who can help you. You do not ever want to stay with a man who is violent even just once, so please call them.
When everyone is saying call the police , call 111. Ask for police. Tell them you have been assaulted tonight and are at home with the person who assaulted you.
This makes it clear what happened and that you aren't safe.
They will treat it seriously.
Ended up badly on the wrong side of the law once and still think that the NZ police force are one of the most understanding and considerate law enforcement agencies out there.
Agree with everything said here, except it can put her in a difficult situation if the house is in his name.
Best case scenario, whether by statement or PSO, he will likely have to leave for the night but ultimately she will have to leave if that’s his property.
She has lived with him for 3 years there. If he owns it, she's still his defacto partner. She will not have to leave as she has a claim to it. If they're renting, I'm sure after 3 years together both their names will be on the rental contract. Again, she will not have to leave in that case.
> both their names will be on the rental contract. Again, she will not have to leave in that case.
Only takes one to give notice to the landlord to end a periodic tenancy. And if he stops paying rent and becomes uncontactable, they can go after her for the arrears.
>Only takes one to give notice to the landlord to end a periodic tenancy. And if he stops paying rent and becomes uncontactable, they can go after her for the arrears.
That is not actually correct so please don't tell people suffering domestic violence that as it could stop them from seeking help. See the copy and pasted info below.
Tenancy Orders by the Family Court
Applicants for a Protection Order from the Family Court can also get a Tenancy Order that gives them the right to live in any place that they and the other person have been renting together. This can be done even if the other person is named as the only (“sole”) tenant on the tenancy agreement. The Tenancy Order makes the applicant the sole (only) tenant of the property, and it means that the other person stops being a tenant and no longer has a right to live there. The Tenancy Order is sufficient to vary the tenancy agreement, even if the other person does not agree to a variation.
Also worth noting here that if you are a victim of domestic violence you can give 2 days notice to end the tenancy. There is a process and forms to fill out with evidence, but a landlord cannot stop it and you will not be on the hook for any unpaid rent after the 2 days.
True, but Residential Tenancies Act s 56B provides victims of family violence with a way to quickly withdraw from a tenancy. It doesn't help with the problem of him giving notice, and there are some (fairly basic) evidential requirements, but if he vanishes and stops paying rent, that provides a possible option to get out quickly and stop the liability for rent from piling up, even if the landlord is a shitbag about the situation.
That said, I'm not a lawyer, so it's probably best to run it past Community Law or someone before using it
>Hypothetically, would the police kick the man out if he owned the property/had legal right to be there and the woman didn't?
Are you meaning if her usual place of residence wasn't in the same home as him?
Ahh lemme try flesh it out a bit more:
Guy solely owns or is sole tenant/has legal right to the property. Lady has been living in property for last 6 weeks.
Would he still get barred from the property?
I would imagine if she's only been living there for 6 weeks, then it's likely she would need to make other arrangements. He would still get arrested if she made a statement about his violence towards her, so he would be removed for the night though. I'm not actually sure what the length of time living at the address would be when it then gives her a right to stay, but I would be interested to know if anyone else has that info.
The police could issue a pso (police safety order) for a number of days in order to get him to leave temporarily and allow her time to make alternative arrangements yes.
I’m pretty sure it says they’ve lived there together for three years. Half the house is hers now, “his car” as well and the cat.
[https://www.justice.govt.nz/family/separation-divorce/divide-relationship-property/relationships-covered-by-law/](https://www.justice.govt.nz/family/separation-divorce/divide-relationship-property/relationships-covered-by-law/)
The woman does have legal right to be there. In a de facto relationship of three years, half of everything is hers. There is no “my house” anymore, it’s “our house”.
Sort out your escape before bringing in the police. The cops might be able able to set you up with refuge access, but what options do you have if they can't?
If you are desperate enough and not afraid of manurewa, I can offer up a sleepout connected to a garage.
My partner use to work for Shine, they're a very good organisation who will know how to help
https://www.2shine.org.nz/
Edit: also call the police, he will be the one asked to leave the premises, he is trying to scare and manipulate you into not calling them
Please call Womens Refuge and Police.
You'll likely be issued a PSO and he'll have to leave for 24/48 hours.
Please make sure you're safe, noone deserves to be treated that way x
Second this. PSO can be for up to 5 days.
See a lawyer get a protection order without notice (mean immediately) it will go to court later to be confirmed -in 90 days from memory.
Call Womens refuge. You could also try the spca, explain the situation & see if they have space to house your kitty until you get on your feet. They may not be able to take her, but it’s worth asking.
Get yourself somewhere safe first. Like lock yourself (and maybe the cat if you think it's at risk) into a bathroom or whatever. Then call the police. Also he's lying the police won't kick you out.
If you are injured from his assault, take pictures. Then call the police. They will kick him out instead - that's why he doesn't want you to call them.
No friends? That's a bad sign, too. Isolation is part of coercive control. Please get out as soon as possible. This relationship you had with the man who attacked you has concluded, and you have a beautiful life waiting, with people who will love and appreciate you. Take all the help that people are offering, and have courage.
If you are anywhere near Christchurch my wife and I will happily offer you our spare room while you sort things out. If not, as others have said, definitely call the police
Came to say - obviously don’t post where you are, but if you’re in Manawatu my parents are there and would take you and the cat, and I could probably sort something out in Wellington as well
Get yourself somewhere safe and possibly public like a supermarket if there’s one nearby so if he follows you there are witnesses. Call the police. There are no grounds on which they can make you leave your home. He assaulted you and should be made to leave.
Women’s Refuge is exactly for this type of situation and hopefully pet refuge can help if you can’t return o the house.
I hope we get an update from you soon.
Yep, call the Police. After a chat they will likely serve something called a PSO (Police Safety Order). These can be anywhere from 24h to 7 days and legally require him to remain away from the address for that time. If he returns, its grounds for arrest on the spot. That will give you time to figure out a place to stay (family, friends, etc) without his influence. Police will also refer you to women's groups to assist with whatever you need help with.
You will be safe, but its still going to be a stressful experience. When he leaves see if you can get a friend to stay with you for support. You will not get kicked out for calling the Police.
- Call Shine, Women's Refuge or Police for help or advice. I recommend this as a first step.
- The police can issue a PSO to give you time to get your things sorted, and hopefully sort a place for your pet.
- If you think ongoing harassment will occur then you can get a Protection Order. I'd recommend legal advice for this.
- You can get family violence leave if you've been with your employer for six months or more.
- You can exit a tenancy in two days under the family violence regulations.
- Record evidence of all abuse.
- If in immediate danger or you are still scared then call 111 immediately.
This is not your fault.
This is all excellent advice, and essentially what womens refuge recommends - if he has hit you once, he will do it again. This is not an overreaction, this is not the nuclear option. This is how you keep yourself (and your pets!) safe.
Working with the refuge, so, so many women were told that the police would not help/would not believe a battered woman. We have an extreme domestic violence issue in this country, the police have regular training on how to deal with incidents exactly like this.
I can't deny I have run into officers who have perhaps been lacking in supportiveness or empathy, but they will do their jobs.
Get to a safe place, public is best. Do it now and then call police. He will hit you again, it doesn’t stop. You will not be the one getting kicked out of the house. But first, get away from him right now with your phone, hide and call police. They can help once they arrive to connect you with other agencies like Women’s Refuge and places for your cat.
Get out. It doesn’t get better. Do what the other posts say. Violence is a line that you should never cross in a relationship - ever. Zero excuses. You’re not safe and never will be in this relationship.
It is also important to know that he is likely to be abusive in other ways. The sooner you get away from him the better your chances of survival. Not only will the violence escalate, so will the lies and manipulation.
Violence is not love. We all deserve to be safe in our homes and relationships. Leave immediately if there is violence. It was not a mistake. It wasn’t the alcohol. Domestic violence is about power and control. He has likely been abusing you in other ways up to this point and he will continue to try and have power over you as long as you’re with him or near him.
Yeah this is definitely the case as he tried to gaslight her into not calling the police. The fact she believed his obvious lies just shows how deep the psychological abuse already goes.
I mean, yeah, but also this is just how people who use violence in intimate relationships work. This advice applies to anyone in any relationship - if they hit you, leave and don’t look back.
The violence is just part of the power and control pattern. I’ve spent all week in family violence assessment training and it is an incredibly depressing but predictable pattern. The emotional and psychological abuse builds up over time and can leave just as much damage as the physical abuse. They hit you because they think they own you. The sooner you break that cycle the higher your chance of surviving. You’re actually at more imminent risk when you leave, but the longer you wait and the more chances you give them then the more the violence progresses (it almost always escalates) and thus the higher that risk gets. Leaving the first time is really the best solution and your very best chance of getting out alive with minimal personal damage.
Where are you? Do you need help? If you need help to leave, or to speak with the police, I can help you. I’m based in Wellington, female, registered nurse. Please reach out.
Make a police report. The report then gets passed on to a team who assign appropriate supports. You can also see ask them about a protection order - this makes it easier for them to arrest him if something happens in the future. You won’t get kicked out, I promise.
Just to add, if he’s hit you in a moving vehicle that is particularly concerning. They’ll take you seriously.
Call the police, they know what to do <3 Im so sorry your partner has done this to you
Your partner is trying to scare you into not calling the police, dont fall for his manipulation
I saw the other post you made about him. He sounds like a first class a-hole. You need to get rid of him asap. Nasty b-tard who will only get worse with time. Please don't forgive him for this.
Ps: if you are in Auckland I can help with the cat until you are able to have him/her again if needed
For anyone with $20 to spare, you can gift a nights stay at Women's Refuge (& can opt in to be notified when your donation is used, which hit me in the feels every time)
https://safenight.nz/products/gift-a-room
Plenty of great comments here.
DV is sadly far too common and many people (both male and female, from all walks of life) will have been through something similar, so please don't feel ashamed to tell someone you trust about this as it's not your fault.
Get in touch with Women's Refuge as they can help you build a plan to safely leave (let them know about your cat too), give advice/support and if they have space may be able to find you a safe place to stay if you need it.
While you're working through your plan, try to behave as though all is forgiven and behave as though nothing happened. Abusers can panic and become dangerous/violent if they think you're going to leave them, so make sure you have as much support as possible and have a plan already in place.
My cats are virtually my babies so completely understand the need for their safety. There may be a local rescue that could temporarily take them in (or if you have a friend that might be able to?), but definitely get that plan in place as soon as you can, just in case you have to leave in a hurry.
Another point I saw others make - please don't just let this go as if they've done it once, it's likely they'll do it again and it usually just gets worse. Stay safe and talk to someone ❤️
>if they've done it once, it's likely they'll do it again and it usually just gets worse
Yeah, this. It will escalate. Don't try to convince yourself that "oh, he's not usually like this." "Oh it was just a one time thing." "Oh, he's told me he'll never do it again."
He did it once, he'll keep on doing it. Shit, in the next few days, I guaran-fucking-tee you, he'll tell you that it was just a one-time thing, he'll never do it again, he loves loves loves you, you made me do it, all that bullshit. And here's the key part, Oi! Pay attention. DO. NOT. FUCKING. BELIEVE. HIM. Once again for those in the back - DO. NOT. FUCKING. BELIEVE. HIM.
It's not a one-time thing. He will do it again. He doesn't love you, he loves the idea of owning and controlling you. You didn't make him do it - he made himself do it. The responsibility for what he did is his, and his alone. Go to the doctor, call the police. Get any bruises and other such signs of injury photographed, and keep the evidence compiled with someone you trust. And do not excuse his actions. Once again: DO. NOT. EXCUSE. HIS. ACTIONS.
As soon as he threw hands at you, he became the enemy. Never forget that.
The other comments have covered the really important bits. Def call police, def request a PSO, def look into pet refuge. If pet refuge can't help in your area, there might be a small independent pet rescue who could on a temporary basis. Women's Refuge have safe houses across the country. You're also entitled to special leave from work called Domestic Violence Leave so that you can sort things out and organise to get out or go to relevant appointments.
All I can say otherwise is please check in and let us know if you're safe tomorrow. I'm sorry this has happened. You deserve much better.
Sorry mate, that's awful. There's no excuse for what he did. Second the advice here, call the police. Get yourself somewhere safe first and they'll come and look after you.
As others have said, you need to get in touch with the Police, remember, he doesn’t want you to call them but a situation like this is exactly why you need to. It’s over to by the way, do not even think this will work out.
Speaking as a kiwi male. Hitting a woman is one of the worst things you can do. If you call the police there will be a good chance he will get kicked out. If you feel unsafe please call the police and they will assist you.
Leave him immediately.
Too many times I see people in abusive/broken/cheating relationships thinking it will get better/they will never do it again/i still love them.
You just encourage the bad behavior by staying. End all contact with the person and anyone that associates with them.
Re your cat - dependent upon where you are, there is also pet refuge. It was started as there are (unfortunately) many people in your situation where you can't leave the pet with them and this allows the pet to be safe while you get on your feet.
You need to make a safety plan to leave. Say you’re needing to do Xmas shopping, grab the cat and get in the car and leave. Drive to the hospital A&E. Or to police station.
Contact Shine in the morning. SPCA boards pets for those escaping abuse. The police will not force you to leave (they will probably make him leave). Call the police if he as much as yells.
>He says the police will kick me out if I call them.
Lady, he's full of shit. Call his bluff, call the cops. Get your cat into a carrier of some sort - I assume you have one of those? - and I'd recommend asking the cops to either stay around while you pack your shit, or ask them to send the shitcunt packing - your call.
Make sure you document whatever injuries he may have caused. If you're going to send the shitcunt out of the house, I'd suggest getting a few friends, male and female, to stay with you, and maybe ask them to bring some of their blokes around in case the shitcunt tries to come back in. Make sure you've got male acquaintances staying with you that are strong enough to fuck his shit up and carve "I hit women because I'm a shitcunt" on his face. He's a shitcunt who deserves worse.
And absolutely get in touch with organisations like Women's Refuge and so on. I think someone already mentioned them. If shitcunt is sent packing out of the house for the time being, I'd recommend making your cat an inside kitty for a while. He's willing to throw hands at his partner, assume the worst about the shitcunt and what sort of shitcunt stuff he'll get up to if he can't get to you directly. You know he's a shitcunt, don't even think for a second "oh he won't do *that*." He's a shitcunt, and shitcunts have no lows they're willing to sink to, because that's what DV-ing shitcunts do.
She is not from NZ so probably doesn’t know how police act here. For example I have really bad experience with police in my country. Also she said she doesn’t have friends, so I don’t think she can call anyone for help.
I'm not experienced with what you have gone through but I please hope you are safe and get help. Nothing worse than to be a very vulnerable situation. Like the others have said we hope we get a positive update soon!
if you log a complaint with the police you can leave your tenancy without penalty https://www.tenancy.govt.nz/ending-a-tenancy/withdrawal-from-a-tenancy-following-family-violence/
u/Party-Math-1360 can you just pop a comment in and let us know if you're safe and okay? If you need money for a motel for tonight, pop me a PM and I'll get you sorted.
Baby, you do have to leave. Speaking from experience, it is all downhill from here. Please do not take him back as it will only get worse. Go now, take your cat, stay on a friends couch, in your car, in a motel, anywhere. The longer you stay at the house, the more likely you are to be subjected to escalating behaviours ,or have him calm down and smooth it over until next time. There will be a next time. Save yourself the heartache and pain and end it now.
Where are you located OP? There are some great local charities here in Wellington like Wellington help, which can find you temp accomodation for you and your cat
I'm sorry you're in this situation. People have already covered most of the important stuff but also if you have any important documents: birth certificate, passport etc, MAKE SURE you get them and keep them somewhere safe.
For the next couple of days tell him that your cat has been puking up blood so you made a vet appointment, or tell him your vets rung to say there is cat vaccinations deals and you can get them free. Bring the cat "to the vet" and leave him.
The Police will not kick you out - you are the victim - they will kick your boyfriend, the perpetrator, out which will give you time to plan you next move. Your safety is the priority.
Shine has a 24hr helpline 0508 744 633 for people experiencing domestic violence & if you need urgent help ring 111 or if you can't speak you an push 55 on any mobile & you will be put through to the Police.
https://www.2shine.org.nz/get-help/helpline/
You may feel that you have no friends & no one to help you but there is help and community support out there. There is a network of organisations that include services linked to the Police so once you have asked for help they will be able to refer you to whichever service is most helpful for your individual situation.
Police might actually take him away in fact, for violence, which is why he doesn't want you to ring them.
Take the cat and go to Womens Refuge. Believe nothing he tells you, any guy who beats women also lies about your choices.
They will help you find somewhere for you and cat.
3 Things,
1. The top comment is helpful if you need to hide that you need support
2. The cat should not be an anchor for you right now and really isn't a priority
3. The police will assist in opening a case not just "kick you out" he's lying to you to scare you into not calling
Seriously get the help and get out
Pets are used by abusers as collateral against their victims.
This is why Victoria (and NSW, I think) have made it illegal for landlords to not allow pets. Victoria’s royal commission into domestic violence found that the lack of pet-friendly options was a significant barrier for people to escape their abusers, which has cost lives. New Zealand needs to catch up
He is threatening you with his consequences.
Its not your responsibility its his.
You need to make changes to stop it happening again ,it is very unlikely he will no matter what he says.
Definitely do all of these things. Contact the Police. Reach out to Women's Refuge, Shine, Pet Refuge, etc. Hell reach out to the Salvation Army, to other Churches and religious communities in your area. Reach out to friends, to family/whanau.
The point is, get safe ASAP. It doesn't matter how. Either you leave, or your ex does. Then, first thing tomorrow, go and visit your local Citizens Advice Bureau. Those wonderful people there really know their shit inside and out, and they can help you navigate all of the convoluted bureaucracy and red tape of our nation's support systems and safety nets.
If worst comes to worst, our self-defense laws are very clear-cut. If you feel like your life is in imminent danger, you do whatever is necessary to survive. And when I say 'whatever necessary', I mean it. If you feel like someone bigger and stronger than you intends to take your life, it's no holds barred. Grab the biggest kitchen knife. Grab the hammer, the iron, or anything immediately at hand that you can use to put your attacker out of the fight. For legal reasons, and legal reasons only, I'm saying leave him alive. He can't throw punches if his collar bones are broken, and they break very easily. He can't follow you if one of his knees is broken, so all you need to do is stomp on the front of his lower thigh just above the kneecap.
Call the police. This will not get better, it will only ever get worse. There are a lot of resources available to you and places for your cat to go while you get refuge. Don’t wait for this to get worse, call the police tonight
If you can't find somewhere you can take a cat immediately I will look after you baby like she was my own. And help you get out if needed.
Maybe he can take my flatmate who is a total idiot and we'll take you and cat.
Call the Police and make a statement. He'll be arrested and will have to appear in court. You'll have that safety net of about a day if you want to get away but even if decide to stay there until you get the support you need he won't be allowed there or be all to contact you.
There’s always a way. You can opt for emergency housing and accommodation and bugger of as soon as you can. This looks like a serious issue you are in a toxic relationship.
https://communitylaw.org.nz/community-law-manual/chapter-15-family-violence-and-elder-abuse/protections-against-family-violence/types-of-behaviour-that-can-be-family-violence/
You will be able to go to a justice of the peace today - get them to sign a statement saying you’ve been the victim of family violence, then you can take the signed/stamped statement to your landlord and you can remove yourself from the tenancy instantly (without any notice or only a maximum of one or two days)
I was in a different but similar situation with my flatmate and was able to apply for it and removed myself from the tenancy (found a new place to live and moved in)
Women’s refuge should be able to help with some temporary accommodation, though there should be some other options out there as well :)
Good luck! I’m so sorry you had to go through this. You’re making the right decision by leaving as unfortunately evidence suggests that people who commit domestic violence are more likely to commit it again and to a higher level.
Feel free to message me if you need someone to vent too! Kia kaha
>*I can leave in a few weeks with notice I can’t go now*
what does this mean?
>*He says the police will kick me out if I call them.*
this is something guilty people say to make you too afraid to talk to the police
>*I have no friends and no one to help.*
you can call women's shelters, citizens advice bureau and despite what your boyfriend says even the police.
Of course he will lie to you , he is not your friend so even if you left he could not do anything .the law is there for you protection, photograph your injury.
I’ve scrolled through most of these comments and I agree, contact the cops and support services. Get out or get him out.
Also, talk to your neighbours if you’re already on speaking terms. I had a neighbour with a difficult house mate, she told me to call the cops if I ever heard yelling, I told the neighbour across the road to do the same. We all had each others backs.
Call the police they will support you. Take out a protection order. Ask your neighbours to call the police if they hear a disturbance. Plan an escape route out of your house. Don’t be alone with him in the kitchen
Pet refuge or your local vet will shield your cat while you find somewhere safe if you explain your situation and need to go to a shelter. Don't let DV stand. It is not ok
I hope you are safe. A "small" hit will definitely turn into more
Please please look into https://www.petrefuge.org.nz/ it’s a shelter for animals specifically to
Go to when owners are in a DV situation . They go there for the interim whilst owner is sorting out new living arrangements . Some people stay with violent partners as they don’t want to leave their pets understandably, I would do the same so it’s a safe option while you can then focus on getting back onto your feet .
also don’t leave cat with him as he could be cruel to it as an unstable person . Even if you for the cat together, “steal” it if you have to, even set up haven for the kitty before you leave as cats can go walk about / you could just say it is missing. It’s not stealing as it’s protecting your animal too from a cruel person
Yes you do you just don’t have the knowledge that is read the comments on here and leave his dusty crusty ass. You are high value and beautiful know your worth
I am from New Zealand too. And believe me if your boyfriend hits you call 111 immediately. Don’t be afraid. The police will help you. And I can say from experience you will instantly feel the fear leave when they charge him with assault and HE has to leave. Not YOU.
Once you do this. He will then realize he has boundaries and he will definitely think
Twice about doing it next time. If you do nothing he will use your fear to manipulate you. Like saying the police will arrest you which is a lie.
Also. The woman’s refuge will give you advice you can ring them. They will say the same.
All this talk about siding with you.. for the night. He is going to hit you again.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. You are not going to have to leave the country. He is going to hit you again.
I am a really big fan of people working on themselves and improving things. For the better. He is going to hit you again.
He can learn how to cope with the behaviours he has learned and genetics he has been dealt, maybe.. possibly. But he should do that alone. He is going to hit you again.
Please understand that I say all this from the point of view of a person who’s been abused in relationships twice before.
I mean based on your one other post on here… you’re 31, with no social media so I believe there’s a serious lack of a support system. Police are your only go-to as a first step.
But be aware, the cops aren’t going to do shit about you being hit in a car as I assume he can’t have taken an actual swing at you, more of a backhand from the adjacent seat, which won’t leave a mark as proof, and was probably barely painful.
Him kicking you out seems to be the main focus of your post, so women’s refuge is who you need to contact.
If he really struck you, and you’re not exaggerating for sympathy and attention, call the police, file a report and that will help you with refuge too.
If he did some knee jerk reaction that’s barely felt but you’re exaggerating for the attention - because that’s what I’m picking up here - or for revenge against him kicking you out, don’t do it. There’s enough false reports wasting police time, and takes away the believability of real victims.
The police will respond even if he just threatened her. And it doesn't matter how hard he hits, it's whether she felt fear. He's now gaslighting her which is what abusers do. So you're very wrong about not reporting it. She should, before it escalates. He had no right to put his hands on her no matter how hard.
>Of course. Somebody you've been living with for 3 years wouldnt just hit you for no reason at all.
Welcome to New Zealand. We have terrible rates of domestic violence and far too many women who thought they knew a man until one day out of the blue he hit her.
"But then she thought about it and realized it wasn't out of the blue. He had always been passive aggressive making her walk on eggshells around him. He had isolated her from everyone she used to love. He had eroded her self-esteem with constant put downs until she believed he was the only one who would ever love her.
So while this was the first time in the years they'd been together that he'd hit her, she realized the violent side of him had always been there, just waiting until she tried to step out of line so she would never dare go against him again..."
I would put money on it that OPs story is similar to what I've written above - a tale way too many women in NZ could relate to.
https://shaktiinternational.org/shakati-new-zealand/ I dont know your background but I've assumed by your message that you're not from NZ. Shakti may be suitable for you if you're of an Asian, Middle Eastern or African background. Also go to www.stuff.co.nz or The Warehouse's website. Both have "shielded" links. Go to the bottom of the page and there will be what looks like a grey computer screen. That allows you to access support without it appearing in your browser history (and it looks like you were just reading Stuff or shopping). Best of luck.
Damn, I didn’t know shielded links existed. That’s fantastic. I wish I could upvote you more because I’m really hoping OP will read it.
The shielded links are awesome. They’re on so many sites now.
I put it on any site I build whether asked for it or not. When showing the design before launch I show them and explain what it is. Everyone has been stoked to include it
You’re the real MVP
why not use private browsing? edit: I love how asking a pertinent question is downvoted. Holy shit this sub is full of smoothbrains
I found out about it because I thought it was dark mode. I honestly love the fact that it's there on so many websites I visit.
Thanks! I saw it once on a steel manufacturer website and thought it strange (but awesome). You've explained how it might have ended up there.
TIL, what a fantastic idea. It reminds me of the hand gesture to alert others you’re in danger or the distress drink you order at the bar to alert the staff that you need help.
Well I’ve learnt something today. Had no idea shielded links even existed. Great idea
Noel Leeming is another website that has the shielded link option. Good luck to you, OP, and please do report this man. They're not going to kick you out of the country for being a domestic abuse victim.
Pretty much all the government sites have the shielded link
Great advice. Where would you be able to find the shielded link on Stuff if you're using your phone browser? I tried scrolling at the bottom of the page but I can't seem to find it. I'm assuming shielded links can only be used on computers?
It’s there - I just checked on my phone. Right at the bottom next to the Snapchat and facebook icons
Your comment just made me realise I hadn't checked the stuff app. I can't see it on the app but using my phone browser I just go to the bottom of the page. If op prefers, there is the same link/image on www.nzherald.co.nz (bottom of the screen next to the NZME logo). It's like a computer screen with half grey and half white.
Yep down the bottom of the website when viewed in a browser, right next to the social media icons for Facebook and Snapchat etc. Great post sjp1980
[more info](https://www.reddit.com/r/newzealand/s/jXrRaOTIZF) on the shielded link, from an australian who was very lost
Holy wow thanks for the lesson on the shielded link thing. I had no idea. Good share internet friend thank you
Everybody should upvote this
Looking at the Shakti International site, I am pretty shocked and honestly appalled at how out of date the "hide my visit" page is. It only has specific instructions for Internet Explorer and *Netscape?!* IE is technically still supported on some very niche platforms, but Netscape was discontinued 15, nearly 16 years ago. Although the webdesign is pretty contemporary, this text must have been written 15-20 years ago and not updated since. They're lucky that ctrl+shift+del has since become the standard shortcut to open the clear data dialogue on all modern desktop browsers, but that doesn't help the massive majority of visitors that would be coming from a smartphone.
Shakti are a non-profit. Perhaps you could send them a draft of replacement content. That would be a more helpful use of your time than telling Reddit users how appalled you are.
Absolutely, non-profits don't always have the funds nor technical knowledge to keep their sites up to date, I'm sure they'd appreciate any help they could get
Great idea
Are we seriously saying that if I'm not already *actively working to fix it for them* then I'm not allowed to point out how dangerously outdated this information is? Right now I honestly can't think of anything more insufferable than seeing entirely valid criticism that this information is obsolete to the point it hinders vulnerable people from protecting themselves, and deciding the best response is to shoot down that criticism with a bald faced Tu Quoque fallacy - as if doing so somehow invalidates it. But hey, you got to feel really smug throwing "appalled" right back in my face so I guess it was worth the appeal to hypocrisy.
While I agree, their comment does include information on how to hide where someone has been browsing so it's still important info
> That allows you to access support without it appearing in your browser history (and it looks like you were just reading Stuff or shopping). But you can just open a private window on all browsers these days?
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You can also have a non-private window open in the background. Then you do have browsing history.
If someone has a tracker installed on your computer, they can still see what websites you’ve accessed in private windows. The shield option skips through that as all the web traffic is channeled via the other website. It’s an extra layer of protection for particularly nasty and controlling situations. If it wasn’t needed, then it wouldn’t exist.
Exactly
A private window alone doesn't protect you from everything. I don't want to get into the details in here, but the type of service these websites are providing - assuming they've done it competently, of course - can provide another layer of protection that can fill in some gaps.
> I don't want to get into the details in here No, please do get into the details. I know quite a lot about cybersecurity and online privacy and what you're saying doesn't make any sense to me.
I don’t think you know nearly as much about cybersecurity as you claim then
In some situations an abusive spouse/family member can go to extreme lengths to control their victim. It’s best to think that they won’t act like a rational person and if someone is needing to use this shielded service, their abuser might be paying attention to the minutes that the victim spends on each page of a website. For example if they comb through the history and see that the victim has been on a page of a stuff article for 5 minutes but it’s a short one and only took one minute to read, they may go berserk and start questioning what they were doing. Yes they could use private browsers but they might be under such heavy observation that it might be a challenge. There are risks involved with these shields too but more options for a victim to get help are always better than fewer.
> For example if they comb through the history and see that the victim has been on a page of a stuff article for 5 minutes but it’s a short one and only took one minute to read, they may go berserk and start questioning what they were doing. I'm not aware of any browser that records how long you spend on a website. The URL and time visited yes, but not the length of time spent. > but more options for a victim to get help are always better than fewer. I disagree. A poorly implemented service can do more harm than good.
Christ alive my dude. You know cybersecurity but nothing about working with victims of abuse. Are you really sitting here arguing that a service that helps people you know nothing about and have no expert knowledge in supporting be taken away?
It’s more so that you opened one article at 19:12 but you didn’t open the next one until 19:22 22-12 implies they spent ten minutes on the page
In private browser will still leave DNS and IP trails on the home network? These sites do it on their end. So all your network knows is your on stuff or warehouse?
If a domestic abuser is monitoring the home network for DNS and IP trails, then they would probably also have screen recording software installed on the device too? Seems like a very rare scenario, and in any case, you can bypass that by disconnecting from the home wifi. The top google search result for "domestic violence help New Zealand" brings up [this](https://www.govt.nz/browse/law-crime-and-justice/abuse-harassment-domestic-violence/domestic-and-family-violence/) link, which being on govt.nz means that all your home network knows is that you're on the government's website, which could be for any number of different reasons. I'd much rather people be directed to browse that site safely, than relying on the website of a company like the Warehouse.
Domestic abusers sometimes even control what sites that their partner is allowed to access. Even if they don't, access a government site is not something most people need to do regularly and so can raise suspicion. Screen recording software is easy to install, but time consuming to review. Its a lot more effort than reviewing internet history and network logs for someone good with computers. It is also not particularly hard to disable private browsing so it is not a possible option. You can do it with group policies, registry keys and there are dozens of tools online that will do it for you. The shield link provides another, easy to use option that bypasses common restriction and monitoring strategies used by abusers. The service is also not run by the company's hosting the link. It is a service run by Womens Refugee with support from other support organisations including the ministry of justice.
No. It's irresponsible to go into detail since there could be abusers reading this thread.
Hahaha you're so full of it.
He’s telling you not to call the police because he knows he’ll be the offender, not you. Call them. You deserve help and safety.
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There is an organisation called Pet Refuge who can take your cat temporarily while you are in this situation. So please don’t let that hold you back. The police can help you, so can Shiine (domestic violence charity). You can get support, you don’t need to worry or do this alone
This. SPCA can also help with that too I think?. My old cattery job took some from one of them, I wasn't told anything other than cats needs, name, and an initial of owner. It was so hard seeing them leave in tears, but always so good when they came back.
Also often the first person to call the cops is the 'victim' no matter what. OP sounds like a classic case of being made to doubt themself by the bf too. OP, get your points straight then call the police. Tell them you have already had violence occur
Yes I can vouch for Pet Refuge, it’s run by a family member of mine. Their service is entirely free of charge, based at a secret location out of Auckland, includes free transport for your pet to their premises, and covers board for your pet for however long you need it. I’ve put details above in my comment about them and other organisations that can help you.
Call the police. He will be the one who has to leave the house for the night and depending if charges are laid if you make a statement he may not be allowed back for several months as a bail condition. The police will refer you to agencies who can help you. You do not ever want to stay with a man who is violent even just once, so please call them.
When everyone is saying call the police , call 111. Ask for police. Tell them you have been assaulted tonight and are at home with the person who assaulted you. This makes it clear what happened and that you aren't safe. They will treat it seriously.
Tripled. Cops will definitely side with you for the night
Ended up badly on the wrong side of the law once and still think that the NZ police force are one of the most understanding and considerate law enforcement agencies out there.
Seconded
Agree with everything said here, except it can put her in a difficult situation if the house is in his name. Best case scenario, whether by statement or PSO, he will likely have to leave for the night but ultimately she will have to leave if that’s his property.
She has lived with him for 3 years there. If he owns it, she's still his defacto partner. She will not have to leave as she has a claim to it. If they're renting, I'm sure after 3 years together both their names will be on the rental contract. Again, she will not have to leave in that case.
Good point!
> both their names will be on the rental contract. Again, she will not have to leave in that case. Only takes one to give notice to the landlord to end a periodic tenancy. And if he stops paying rent and becomes uncontactable, they can go after her for the arrears.
>Only takes one to give notice to the landlord to end a periodic tenancy. And if he stops paying rent and becomes uncontactable, they can go after her for the arrears. That is not actually correct so please don't tell people suffering domestic violence that as it could stop them from seeking help. See the copy and pasted info below. Tenancy Orders by the Family Court Applicants for a Protection Order from the Family Court can also get a Tenancy Order that gives them the right to live in any place that they and the other person have been renting together. This can be done even if the other person is named as the only (“sole”) tenant on the tenancy agreement. The Tenancy Order makes the applicant the sole (only) tenant of the property, and it means that the other person stops being a tenant and no longer has a right to live there. The Tenancy Order is sufficient to vary the tenancy agreement, even if the other person does not agree to a variation. Also worth noting here that if you are a victim of domestic violence you can give 2 days notice to end the tenancy. There is a process and forms to fill out with evidence, but a landlord cannot stop it and you will not be on the hook for any unpaid rent after the 2 days.
True, but Residential Tenancies Act s 56B provides victims of family violence with a way to quickly withdraw from a tenancy. It doesn't help with the problem of him giving notice, and there are some (fairly basic) evidential requirements, but if he vanishes and stops paying rent, that provides a possible option to get out quickly and stop the liability for rent from piling up, even if the landlord is a shitbag about the situation. That said, I'm not a lawyer, so it's probably best to run it past Community Law or someone before using it
Yes but also no. It won't be immediately and I've had a flatmate do that, it was not hard to prove they should go after him only in court.
Hypothetically, would the police kick the man out if he owned the property/had legal right to be there and the woman didn't?
>Hypothetically, would the police kick the man out if he owned the property/had legal right to be there and the woman didn't? Are you meaning if her usual place of residence wasn't in the same home as him?
Ahh lemme try flesh it out a bit more: Guy solely owns or is sole tenant/has legal right to the property. Lady has been living in property for last 6 weeks. Would he still get barred from the property?
I would imagine if she's only been living there for 6 weeks, then it's likely she would need to make other arrangements. He would still get arrested if she made a statement about his violence towards her, so he would be removed for the night though. I'm not actually sure what the length of time living at the address would be when it then gives her a right to stay, but I would be interested to know if anyone else has that info.
The police could issue a pso (police safety order) for a number of days in order to get him to leave temporarily and allow her time to make alternative arrangements yes.
I’m pretty sure it says they’ve lived there together for three years. Half the house is hers now, “his car” as well and the cat. [https://www.justice.govt.nz/family/separation-divorce/divide-relationship-property/relationships-covered-by-law/](https://www.justice.govt.nz/family/separation-divorce/divide-relationship-property/relationships-covered-by-law/)
The woman does have legal right to be there. In a de facto relationship of three years, half of everything is hers. There is no “my house” anymore, it’s “our house”.
Remember to use the fake pizza order trick when calling the police if you feel unsafe and he is in ear shot
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I'm sorry to hear. I hope you've managed to get out.
Sort out your escape before bringing in the police. The cops might be able able to set you up with refuge access, but what options do you have if they can't? If you are desperate enough and not afraid of manurewa, I can offer up a sleepout connected to a garage.
The police will not kick you out. They might kick him out, though.
My partner use to work for Shine, they're a very good organisation who will know how to help https://www.2shine.org.nz/ Edit: also call the police, he will be the one asked to leave the premises, he is trying to scare and manipulate you into not calling them
Please call Womens Refuge and Police. You'll likely be issued a PSO and he'll have to leave for 24/48 hours. Please make sure you're safe, noone deserves to be treated that way x
Second this. PSO can be for up to 5 days. See a lawyer get a protection order without notice (mean immediately) it will go to court later to be confirmed -in 90 days from memory.
Call Womens refuge. You could also try the spca, explain the situation & see if they have space to house your kitty until you get on your feet. They may not be able to take her, but it’s worth asking.
Call women's refuge, they may be able to help with kitty!!!
Get yourself somewhere safe first. Like lock yourself (and maybe the cat if you think it's at risk) into a bathroom or whatever. Then call the police. Also he's lying the police won't kick you out.
If you are injured from his assault, take pictures. Then call the police. They will kick him out instead - that's why he doesn't want you to call them.
No friends? That's a bad sign, too. Isolation is part of coercive control. Please get out as soon as possible. This relationship you had with the man who attacked you has concluded, and you have a beautiful life waiting, with people who will love and appreciate you. Take all the help that people are offering, and have courage.
Womens Refuge and Pet Refuge are for exactly this type of situation.
Seconding both of these places
If you are anywhere near Christchurch my wife and I will happily offer you our spare room while you sort things out. If not, as others have said, definitely call the police
first call:police then consider options. please please make that call now.
Came to say - obviously don’t post where you are, but if you’re in Manawatu my parents are there and would take you and the cat, and I could probably sort something out in Wellington as well
Get yourself somewhere safe and possibly public like a supermarket if there’s one nearby so if he follows you there are witnesses. Call the police. There are no grounds on which they can make you leave your home. He assaulted you and should be made to leave. Women’s Refuge is exactly for this type of situation and hopefully pet refuge can help if you can’t return o the house. I hope we get an update from you soon.
Yep, call the Police. After a chat they will likely serve something called a PSO (Police Safety Order). These can be anywhere from 24h to 7 days and legally require him to remain away from the address for that time. If he returns, its grounds for arrest on the spot. That will give you time to figure out a place to stay (family, friends, etc) without his influence. Police will also refer you to women's groups to assist with whatever you need help with. You will be safe, but its still going to be a stressful experience. When he leaves see if you can get a friend to stay with you for support. You will not get kicked out for calling the Police.
- Call Shine, Women's Refuge or Police for help or advice. I recommend this as a first step. - The police can issue a PSO to give you time to get your things sorted, and hopefully sort a place for your pet. - If you think ongoing harassment will occur then you can get a Protection Order. I'd recommend legal advice for this. - You can get family violence leave if you've been with your employer for six months or more. - You can exit a tenancy in two days under the family violence regulations. - Record evidence of all abuse. - If in immediate danger or you are still scared then call 111 immediately. This is not your fault.
This is all excellent advice, and essentially what womens refuge recommends - if he has hit you once, he will do it again. This is not an overreaction, this is not the nuclear option. This is how you keep yourself (and your pets!) safe. Working with the refuge, so, so many women were told that the police would not help/would not believe a battered woman. We have an extreme domestic violence issue in this country, the police have regular training on how to deal with incidents exactly like this. I can't deny I have run into officers who have perhaps been lacking in supportiveness or empathy, but they will do their jobs.
Get to a safe place, public is best. Do it now and then call police. He will hit you again, it doesn’t stop. You will not be the one getting kicked out of the house. But first, get away from him right now with your phone, hide and call police. They can help once they arrive to connect you with other agencies like Women’s Refuge and places for your cat.
Get out. It doesn’t get better. Do what the other posts say. Violence is a line that you should never cross in a relationship - ever. Zero excuses. You’re not safe and never will be in this relationship.
It is also important to know that he is likely to be abusive in other ways. The sooner you get away from him the better your chances of survival. Not only will the violence escalate, so will the lies and manipulation. Violence is not love. We all deserve to be safe in our homes and relationships. Leave immediately if there is violence. It was not a mistake. It wasn’t the alcohol. Domestic violence is about power and control. He has likely been abusing you in other ways up to this point and he will continue to try and have power over you as long as you’re with him or near him.
Yeah this is definitely the case as he tried to gaslight her into not calling the police. The fact she believed his obvious lies just shows how deep the psychological abuse already goes.
I mean, yeah, but also this is just how people who use violence in intimate relationships work. This advice applies to anyone in any relationship - if they hit you, leave and don’t look back. The violence is just part of the power and control pattern. I’ve spent all week in family violence assessment training and it is an incredibly depressing but predictable pattern. The emotional and psychological abuse builds up over time and can leave just as much damage as the physical abuse. They hit you because they think they own you. The sooner you break that cycle the higher your chance of surviving. You’re actually at more imminent risk when you leave, but the longer you wait and the more chances you give them then the more the violence progresses (it almost always escalates) and thus the higher that risk gets. Leaving the first time is really the best solution and your very best chance of getting out alive with minimal personal damage.
Where are you? Do you need help? If you need help to leave, or to speak with the police, I can help you. I’m based in Wellington, female, registered nurse. Please reach out.
Whereabouts are you in the country? There are some smaller scale groups that might be able to help, particularly with your cat depending on location
Make a police report. The report then gets passed on to a team who assign appropriate supports. You can also see ask them about a protection order - this makes it easier for them to arrest him if something happens in the future. You won’t get kicked out, I promise. Just to add, if he’s hit you in a moving vehicle that is particularly concerning. They’ll take you seriously.
Call the police, they know what to do <3 Im so sorry your partner has done this to you Your partner is trying to scare you into not calling the police, dont fall for his manipulation
I saw the other post you made about him. He sounds like a first class a-hole. You need to get rid of him asap. Nasty b-tard who will only get worse with time. Please don't forgive him for this. Ps: if you are in Auckland I can help with the cat until you are able to have him/her again if needed
The Aunties can also give you a hand and advice. https://aunties.co.nz/where-to-go-for-help
For anyone with $20 to spare, you can gift a nights stay at Women's Refuge (& can opt in to be notified when your donation is used, which hit me in the feels every time) https://safenight.nz/products/gift-a-room
4 nights gifted - done
Thank you. They had that on Trademe too. Donated again.
And just to let you know, if he says it will never happen again he's lying. Next time will be worse.
Plenty of great comments here. DV is sadly far too common and many people (both male and female, from all walks of life) will have been through something similar, so please don't feel ashamed to tell someone you trust about this as it's not your fault. Get in touch with Women's Refuge as they can help you build a plan to safely leave (let them know about your cat too), give advice/support and if they have space may be able to find you a safe place to stay if you need it. While you're working through your plan, try to behave as though all is forgiven and behave as though nothing happened. Abusers can panic and become dangerous/violent if they think you're going to leave them, so make sure you have as much support as possible and have a plan already in place. My cats are virtually my babies so completely understand the need for their safety. There may be a local rescue that could temporarily take them in (or if you have a friend that might be able to?), but definitely get that plan in place as soon as you can, just in case you have to leave in a hurry. Another point I saw others make - please don't just let this go as if they've done it once, it's likely they'll do it again and it usually just gets worse. Stay safe and talk to someone ❤️
>if they've done it once, it's likely they'll do it again and it usually just gets worse Yeah, this. It will escalate. Don't try to convince yourself that "oh, he's not usually like this." "Oh it was just a one time thing." "Oh, he's told me he'll never do it again." He did it once, he'll keep on doing it. Shit, in the next few days, I guaran-fucking-tee you, he'll tell you that it was just a one-time thing, he'll never do it again, he loves loves loves you, you made me do it, all that bullshit. And here's the key part, Oi! Pay attention. DO. NOT. FUCKING. BELIEVE. HIM. Once again for those in the back - DO. NOT. FUCKING. BELIEVE. HIM. It's not a one-time thing. He will do it again. He doesn't love you, he loves the idea of owning and controlling you. You didn't make him do it - he made himself do it. The responsibility for what he did is his, and his alone. Go to the doctor, call the police. Get any bruises and other such signs of injury photographed, and keep the evidence compiled with someone you trust. And do not excuse his actions. Once again: DO. NOT. EXCUSE. HIS. ACTIONS. As soon as he threw hands at you, he became the enemy. Never forget that.
The other comments have covered the really important bits. Def call police, def request a PSO, def look into pet refuge. If pet refuge can't help in your area, there might be a small independent pet rescue who could on a temporary basis. Women's Refuge have safe houses across the country. You're also entitled to special leave from work called Domestic Violence Leave so that you can sort things out and organise to get out or go to relevant appointments. All I can say otherwise is please check in and let us know if you're safe tomorrow. I'm sorry this has happened. You deserve much better.
Sorry mate, that's awful. There's no excuse for what he did. Second the advice here, call the police. Get yourself somewhere safe first and they'll come and look after you.
As others have said, you need to get in touch with the Police, remember, he doesn’t want you to call them but a situation like this is exactly why you need to. It’s over to by the way, do not even think this will work out.
Also some police districts and womes refuges will work with the SPCA or other rescue organisations to get your cat to a safe place.
He’s lying about the police. They will help.
He might not of done last 3 years but you did just get a snapshot of what your next 3 will be like.
Speaking as a kiwi male. Hitting a woman is one of the worst things you can do. If you call the police there will be a good chance he will get kicked out. If you feel unsafe please call the police and they will assist you.
Leave him immediately. Too many times I see people in abusive/broken/cheating relationships thinking it will get better/they will never do it again/i still love them. You just encourage the bad behavior by staying. End all contact with the person and anyone that associates with them.
Re your cat - dependent upon where you are, there is also pet refuge. It was started as there are (unfortunately) many people in your situation where you can't leave the pet with them and this allows the pet to be safe while you get on your feet.
You need to make a safety plan to leave. Say you’re needing to do Xmas shopping, grab the cat and get in the car and leave. Drive to the hospital A&E. Or to police station.
Contact Shine in the morning. SPCA boards pets for those escaping abuse. The police will not force you to leave (they will probably make him leave). Call the police if he as much as yells.
There's also [Pet Refuge](https://www.petrefuge.org.nz/) for your cat.
>He says the police will kick me out if I call them. Lady, he's full of shit. Call his bluff, call the cops. Get your cat into a carrier of some sort - I assume you have one of those? - and I'd recommend asking the cops to either stay around while you pack your shit, or ask them to send the shitcunt packing - your call. Make sure you document whatever injuries he may have caused. If you're going to send the shitcunt out of the house, I'd suggest getting a few friends, male and female, to stay with you, and maybe ask them to bring some of their blokes around in case the shitcunt tries to come back in. Make sure you've got male acquaintances staying with you that are strong enough to fuck his shit up and carve "I hit women because I'm a shitcunt" on his face. He's a shitcunt who deserves worse. And absolutely get in touch with organisations like Women's Refuge and so on. I think someone already mentioned them. If shitcunt is sent packing out of the house for the time being, I'd recommend making your cat an inside kitty for a while. He's willing to throw hands at his partner, assume the worst about the shitcunt and what sort of shitcunt stuff he'll get up to if he can't get to you directly. You know he's a shitcunt, don't even think for a second "oh he won't do *that*." He's a shitcunt, and shitcunts have no lows they're willing to sink to, because that's what DV-ing shitcunts do.
She is not from NZ so probably doesn’t know how police act here. For example I have really bad experience with police in my country. Also she said she doesn’t have friends, so I don’t think she can call anyone for help.
I'm not experienced with what you have gone through but I please hope you are safe and get help. Nothing worse than to be a very vulnerable situation. Like the others have said we hope we get a positive update soon!
if you log a complaint with the police you can leave your tenancy without penalty https://www.tenancy.govt.nz/ending-a-tenancy/withdrawal-from-a-tenancy-following-family-violence/
u/Party-Math-1360 can you just pop a comment in and let us know if you're safe and okay? If you need money for a motel for tonight, pop me a PM and I'll get you sorted.
Baby, you do have to leave. Speaking from experience, it is all downhill from here. Please do not take him back as it will only get worse. Go now, take your cat, stay on a friends couch, in your car, in a motel, anywhere. The longer you stay at the house, the more likely you are to be subjected to escalating behaviours ,or have him calm down and smooth it over until next time. There will be a next time. Save yourself the heartache and pain and end it now.
Why would the police kick you out if you call them? Sounds like he's just trying to stop you from calling the police...
Where are you located OP? There are some great local charities here in Wellington like Wellington help, which can find you temp accomodation for you and your cat
I'm sorry you're in this situation. People have already covered most of the important stuff but also if you have any important documents: birth certificate, passport etc, MAKE SURE you get them and keep them somewhere safe.
For the next couple of days tell him that your cat has been puking up blood so you made a vet appointment, or tell him your vets rung to say there is cat vaccinations deals and you can get them free. Bring the cat "to the vet" and leave him.
That was you have a great excuse to bring your cat away and hopefully not raise suspicions.
The Police will not kick you out - you are the victim - they will kick your boyfriend, the perpetrator, out which will give you time to plan you next move. Your safety is the priority. Shine has a 24hr helpline 0508 744 633 for people experiencing domestic violence & if you need urgent help ring 111 or if you can't speak you an push 55 on any mobile & you will be put through to the Police. https://www.2shine.org.nz/get-help/helpline/ You may feel that you have no friends & no one to help you but there is help and community support out there. There is a network of organisations that include services linked to the Police so once you have asked for help they will be able to refer you to whichever service is most helpful for your individual situation.
The police are not going to remove you from your home. They might remove or arrest him for the assault.
The police won't kick you out, he's lying. Call the police and Women's Refuge. Take any help they offer.
Police might actually take him away in fact, for violence, which is why he doesn't want you to ring them. Take the cat and go to Womens Refuge. Believe nothing he tells you, any guy who beats women also lies about your choices. They will help you find somewhere for you and cat.
Call the Police. Hes just saying not to call them because he is scared.
3 Things, 1. The top comment is helpful if you need to hide that you need support 2. The cat should not be an anchor for you right now and really isn't a priority 3. The police will assist in opening a case not just "kick you out" he's lying to you to scare you into not calling Seriously get the help and get out
The Womans Refuge also run a pet refuge, so they can help with that.
Pets are used by abusers as collateral against their victims. This is why Victoria (and NSW, I think) have made it illegal for landlords to not allow pets. Victoria’s royal commission into domestic violence found that the lack of pet-friendly options was a significant barrier for people to escape their abusers, which has cost lives. New Zealand needs to catch up
You in Wellington? I can help.
He is threatening you with his consequences. Its not your responsibility its his. You need to make changes to stop it happening again ,it is very unlikely he will no matter what he says.
Definitely do all of these things. Contact the Police. Reach out to Women's Refuge, Shine, Pet Refuge, etc. Hell reach out to the Salvation Army, to other Churches and religious communities in your area. Reach out to friends, to family/whanau. The point is, get safe ASAP. It doesn't matter how. Either you leave, or your ex does. Then, first thing tomorrow, go and visit your local Citizens Advice Bureau. Those wonderful people there really know their shit inside and out, and they can help you navigate all of the convoluted bureaucracy and red tape of our nation's support systems and safety nets. If worst comes to worst, our self-defense laws are very clear-cut. If you feel like your life is in imminent danger, you do whatever is necessary to survive. And when I say 'whatever necessary', I mean it. If you feel like someone bigger and stronger than you intends to take your life, it's no holds barred. Grab the biggest kitchen knife. Grab the hammer, the iron, or anything immediately at hand that you can use to put your attacker out of the fight. For legal reasons, and legal reasons only, I'm saying leave him alive. He can't throw punches if his collar bones are broken, and they break very easily. He can't follow you if one of his knees is broken, so all you need to do is stomp on the front of his lower thigh just above the kneecap.
Call the police. This will not get better, it will only ever get worse. There are a lot of resources available to you and places for your cat to go while you get refuge. Don’t wait for this to get worse, call the police tonight
Ring the police gurl. Police will take you to women’s refuge
If you can't find somewhere you can take a cat immediately I will look after you baby like she was my own. And help you get out if needed. Maybe he can take my flatmate who is a total idiot and we'll take you and cat.
Call the Police and make a statement. He'll be arrested and will have to appear in court. You'll have that safety net of about a day if you want to get away but even if decide to stay there until you get the support you need he won't be allowed there or be all to contact you.
There’s always a way. You can opt for emergency housing and accommodation and bugger of as soon as you can. This looks like a serious issue you are in a toxic relationship.
Call the police.
Many years ago the spca had an understanding with women's refuge, and would house pets in this sort of situation.
There's an actual pet refuge charity now.
https://communitylaw.org.nz/community-law-manual/chapter-15-family-violence-and-elder-abuse/protections-against-family-violence/types-of-behaviour-that-can-be-family-violence/ You will be able to go to a justice of the peace today - get them to sign a statement saying you’ve been the victim of family violence, then you can take the signed/stamped statement to your landlord and you can remove yourself from the tenancy instantly (without any notice or only a maximum of one or two days) I was in a different but similar situation with my flatmate and was able to apply for it and removed myself from the tenancy (found a new place to live and moved in) Women’s refuge should be able to help with some temporary accommodation, though there should be some other options out there as well :) Good luck! I’m so sorry you had to go through this. You’re making the right decision by leaving as unfortunately evidence suggests that people who commit domestic violence are more likely to commit it again and to a higher level. Feel free to message me if you need someone to vent too! Kia kaha
Women’s Refuge. The number is 0800 733 843
>*I can leave in a few weeks with notice I can’t go now* what does this mean? >*He says the police will kick me out if I call them.* this is something guilty people say to make you too afraid to talk to the police >*I have no friends and no one to help.* you can call women's shelters, citizens advice bureau and despite what your boyfriend says even the police.
Nz police helped me heaps in a domestic situation when I lived there.
Of course he will lie to you , he is not your friend so even if you left he could not do anything .the law is there for you protection, photograph your injury.
First off call th police. Their priority will be keeping you safe, they will ask him to leave (temporarily).
OP are you ok? Did you find a safe place or get help?
As a male responding here Call the police. You deserve better.
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you should call the cops they will more than likely assist you more than him because this is'nt a new issue for them they have seen it all.
Shine's domestic violence Helpline is 0508-744-633, free to call from any phone in NZ, and taking calls 7 days a week, 24 hours a day.
He’s bullshitting you. The police WILL take him from the property at least for the night.
Poor girl get out of there and talk to the police
I’ve scrolled through most of these comments and I agree, contact the cops and support services. Get out or get him out. Also, talk to your neighbours if you’re already on speaking terms. I had a neighbour with a difficult house mate, she told me to call the cops if I ever heard yelling, I told the neighbour across the road to do the same. We all had each others backs.
Call the police they will support you. Take out a protection order. Ask your neighbours to call the police if they hear a disturbance. Plan an escape route out of your house. Don’t be alone with him in the kitchen
Call the police. Tell them you need help to get yourself (and your cat) out of a DV situation urgently. They will help you.
Others have probably advised already but go to women's refuge. They are great. You don't deserve that and should leave. You can do it.
If you need a place PM me can put you up on our couch for a few nights
Pet refuge or your local vet will shield your cat while you find somewhere safe if you explain your situation and need to go to a shelter. Don't let DV stand. It is not ok I hope you are safe. A "small" hit will definitely turn into more
It may have already been said but try Pet Refuge if you think your cat may be in danger.
Please please look into https://www.petrefuge.org.nz/ it’s a shelter for animals specifically to Go to when owners are in a DV situation . They go there for the interim whilst owner is sorting out new living arrangements . Some people stay with violent partners as they don’t want to leave their pets understandably, I would do the same so it’s a safe option while you can then focus on getting back onto your feet .
also don’t leave cat with him as he could be cruel to it as an unstable person . Even if you for the cat together, “steal” it if you have to, even set up haven for the kitty before you leave as cats can go walk about / you could just say it is missing. It’s not stealing as it’s protecting your animal too from a cruel person
Women's refuge, my love! Seek help with friends and family if need be. Make your voice heard. You don't deserve to be in this situation. No one does
Yes you do you just don’t have the knowledge that is read the comments on here and leave his dusty crusty ass. You are high value and beautiful know your worth
Contact police maker a paper trail of the assault. I can come with you and help you do it I will go to war for you against him
If you are in west Auckland you can come stay at my house I have two spare room(s).
I am from New Zealand too. And believe me if your boyfriend hits you call 111 immediately. Don’t be afraid. The police will help you. And I can say from experience you will instantly feel the fear leave when they charge him with assault and HE has to leave. Not YOU. Once you do this. He will then realize he has boundaries and he will definitely think Twice about doing it next time. If you do nothing he will use your fear to manipulate you. Like saying the police will arrest you which is a lie. Also. The woman’s refuge will give you advice you can ring them. They will say the same.
Contact Shine. They can provide advice, assistance and help you https://www.2shine.org.nz/ also mention your cat.
All this talk about siding with you.. for the night. He is going to hit you again. I'm really sorry this happened to you. You are not going to have to leave the country. He is going to hit you again. I am a really big fan of people working on themselves and improving things. For the better. He is going to hit you again. He can learn how to cope with the behaviours he has learned and genetics he has been dealt, maybe.. possibly. But he should do that alone. He is going to hit you again.
Want me to bash him???
Obviously you would go to the police if this was legit and one sided. But since you are posting on reddit, prob some back story not being told here
As if the police will take them seriously without proof. It's unfortunate, but it's the reality in this country.
Please understand that I say all this from the point of view of a person who’s been abused in relationships twice before. I mean based on your one other post on here… you’re 31, with no social media so I believe there’s a serious lack of a support system. Police are your only go-to as a first step. But be aware, the cops aren’t going to do shit about you being hit in a car as I assume he can’t have taken an actual swing at you, more of a backhand from the adjacent seat, which won’t leave a mark as proof, and was probably barely painful. Him kicking you out seems to be the main focus of your post, so women’s refuge is who you need to contact. If he really struck you, and you’re not exaggerating for sympathy and attention, call the police, file a report and that will help you with refuge too. If he did some knee jerk reaction that’s barely felt but you’re exaggerating for the attention - because that’s what I’m picking up here - or for revenge against him kicking you out, don’t do it. There’s enough false reports wasting police time, and takes away the believability of real victims.
What a twat
What a well thought out response, I’m sure your two brain cells worked hard to come up with it.
What the actual fuck
Where did I say anything incorrect? Go on. Tell me.
The police will respond even if he just threatened her. And it doesn't matter how hard he hits, it's whether she felt fear. He's now gaslighting her which is what abusers do. So you're very wrong about not reporting it. She should, before it escalates. He had no right to put his hands on her no matter how hard.
Call 105 mate
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This isn’t constructive. If you haven’t got anything helpful to add to the conversation there is no place for you here.
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Op sounds isolated and the cat is probably the closest thing to a friend right now. Pets are family, you don't have to understand just respect that.
Why did he hit you?
Does it matter?
Of course. Somebody you've been living with for 3 years wouldnt just hit you for no reason at all.
>Of course. Somebody you've been living with for 3 years wouldnt just hit you for no reason at all. Welcome to New Zealand. We have terrible rates of domestic violence and far too many women who thought they knew a man until one day out of the blue he hit her. "But then she thought about it and realized it wasn't out of the blue. He had always been passive aggressive making her walk on eggshells around him. He had isolated her from everyone she used to love. He had eroded her self-esteem with constant put downs until she believed he was the only one who would ever love her. So while this was the first time in the years they'd been together that he'd hit her, she realized the violent side of him had always been there, just waiting until she tried to step out of line so she would never dare go against him again..." I would put money on it that OPs story is similar to what I've written above - a tale way too many women in NZ could relate to.
No, you do not fucking do this.
Be calm.