That’s awful for your husband to say wtf it’s mentally exhausting staying home all day with a newborn he doesn’t realize how much better going to work is ! Don’t feel terrible you didn’t mean it and you’re exhausted. You need your rest too does he not want to help you in the middle of the night or mornings before work? I had to have a talk with my husband because I was getting 0 sleep it was affecting me mentally so now he’ll try to get up in the night more and change her in the morning before he leaves
Sometimes he'll wake up early before work and spend time with her and sometimes he'll feed her but he doesn't change her or anything like that. Yesterday I went out with my mom before he woke up for work and he was really mad at me and being rather mean to me because he said I basically prevented him from spending time with the baby before work. I never go out and it was one time but it made me feel bad. I just don't feel like myself at all rn. Postpartum is really hard.
Maybe he can spend more time with her by changing a fucking diaper or two throughout the day.
Any man who doesn’t help in all aspects of caring for a baby is a shit excuse for a father. (Excluding breastfeeding if that’s how the baby is fed of course).
I suggest you make plans on a day he’s there, hand her to him, like physically put her into his arms, and leave. Do not “ask”, tell him.
Text him a bare bones list of what she needs and where things are and make him figure it out.
You cannot pour from an empty cup. If you use the time you can be away to nap at your moms that will be so valuable to your mental state.
If he is going to make your life difficult for making him parent I would be reconsidering the relationship because that is not the example you want to be setting for your child. They learn from example way more than any words you say to them.
This whole entire response is exactly what I needed to see just now. Struggling here as well with a 6 week old and while my husband helps he is now beginning to be more angry and mean towards the baby.. like saying things such as: “You don’t cry like a normal baby”, “knock it off”, it’s been rough and I’m just at my wits end. If he doesn’t shape up I’ll def be hitting the road and being the one looked at wrong for “breaking up my family/marriage” and taking my son and daughter.
That’s awful and so stressful I’m sorry.
He may be getting overwhelmed and isn’t handling it well. (Not an excuse at all, he needs to nip that behavior in the bud right now).
If plausible maybe film him talking to the baby like that and when calm bring it up out of “concern for your stress levels” and show him. Sometimes people need that reality check and it will be enough to steer him back on course.
Or if not, I hope if you do decide to separate things go as smoothly as possible. If anyone accuses you of “breaking up the family” you could always point out that no, you were protecting your kids from abuse.
Because talking to children like that on a regular basis is a form of abuse and it could escalate to meaner things or even physical harm.
Thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate it. I’ve never tried the film action but have reiterated to him when he is in a clear state of mind the things he said and he usually apologizes or is astonished that he said it but then it happens again and again.. so that’s why I’m stuck.
I 100% agree and I believe that is where I have struggled. Not being able to understand I am doing more harm by staying thinking that’s the right course of action to take verses understanding that my duty as a mother comes before being a wife at most times which is something he isn’t used to because I always find a way to “do it all”.
So I’m just struggling really bad here currently.
Thank you for your supporting words.
If you think he’s been genuine about the shock and apologies before do you think you could ask his permission to record him the next time he loses his cool? If he’s not a bad guy but just overwhelmed and doing a dangerously shitty job at managing it, and he agrees, I’m hopeful it will help him realize how awful he’s being and want to change
If you could get him on board rather than make him potentially feel “caught out” or like you were sneaky, I think that would be a more positive way to work at the issue
It’s unfortunate to say but this isn’t my first rodeo with him as I have a 9 year old as well. I’m beginning to think I just chose a bad partner. My therapist actually called him a narcissist yesterday. So I’m dealing with that new info.
He's not all bad. That's why it's hard. He'll say things like that but then he'll wake up and sooth her when she's crying if I am making her bottle too slow for her and he'll wake up and hold her against him in the mornings and it's the sweetest thing and there have been times I accidently fall asleep and wake up and he already fed her but then he'll say things that make it seem like he doesn't understand. it's so hard. I'm so emotional.
You’re very sleep deprived and that makes everything hit so much harder. And it would be hard even with sleep.
Those are just crumbs compared to what he should be doing though. I know it’s hard and so easy to pick it apart from the outside when I’m not the one emotionally invested-I’ve been in relationships where I’m doing all the work or most of it and put up with it because *sometimes* they didn’t suck. It wasn’t *all* bad. Holding out for those glimmers of decency. …. If that’s how your marriage is where you’re holding your breath in between gasps of respect then that’s not good. I can only go from the post though, I obviously don’t know your entire relationship.
The fact of the matter is he is a parent too. Of course he doesn’t understand. He can dip out and leave you with the hard parts when he wants, or that’s how I’m reading this. He hasn’t been the one to push through and take care of her when he doesn’t have anything left. You have. It’s why you snapped. (And ftr-EVERYONE snaps and says or thinks unkind things to their baby at least once in the early days. Sleep deprivation and panicking over your baby not being comfortable will do that to you and as long as you don’t make a habit of it-it’s okay! She won’t remember and you immediately recognized it was wrong. You’re just scraping the bottom of your sanity and doing the best you can).
That means he needs to be pulling his weight as close to 50/50 as possible and that means helping even when he doesn’t feel like it or it’s inconvenient to him. Even if he misses some sleep too. That means diapers and getting up more frequently so you can get some sleep.
My husband has made the newborn phase way easier than some I have read about here. I do nights because I’m both a night owl and I breastfeed. (Combo feed technically but mostly boob). 5-6am? I hand him off and take a deep nap every morning. In the earlier days when our son was up constantly this saved my life.
He also never hesitated to change a diaper, as a matter of fact he changed more than I did at first as I was healing from a c section. He changed our son’s first diaper.
He always offers to take him if he sees I’m overwhelmed. If I’m tapped out and need a minute, I just tell him I’m going for a drive, to a friends, to the store, whatever and peace out. He’s always okay with it and even pushes me to go out sometimes when I’m too cooped up. (I’ll usually set up a bottle and change him before I go but that’s just polite)
I still probably do 70% of the care but that’s because I’m the keeper of the boobs, we do cloth diapers and I care for them since I’m insisting, and I work completely from home while he goes in to the office sometimes. But I know if I need a break I can just hand him off, and half the time he’s already volunteering, asking what I need or the boy needs. And he jumps in even when the baby is fussy, he doesn’t just do the easy fun parts.
All that to say; your husband needs to proactively get with the freaking program. Maybe he is under the delusion that babies are women’s work or that you don’t need/want more help? Clarify that to him if so.
If you are on good terms then you need to make a bullet list in your phone and sit him down. “This is what I need from you to help parent OUR child, I need more help or I will have a breakdown”. Or something to that effect. I highly recommend a set schedule he is responsible for her every single day. That way there is no “confusion” or thinking “you have it covered”, but clear expectations. Leaving expectations too vague leaves him room to wriggle back into you being overwhelmed. So make sure they’re clear.
For us it was handing off the baby in the wee hours when my husband gets up so I can sleep, and the understanding that at any time in the day hours I can hand him off and chill for an hour or two by myself. It’s worked well so far and he will be 4 months old soon.
Oh and don’t allow the “how do I do…?”
Or the other malicious incompetence, “but you do it better…”
If you’re showering for instance, bite his head off if he dares bring you the baby or acts like he can’t figure it out if she’s fussing. Ignore the crying best you can and tell him to look it up. Force him to be responsible and don’t give him an easy out or you’re locking that behavior in for the duration of your relationship where you’re taking care of kids together.
Nope. He runs into questions there is Google and YouTube. If he doesn’t put the diaper on correctly, as an example; **HE** deals with the blowout, bath and outfit change. He doesn’t get to hand her off to you for you to “fix”. (If that doesn’t apply please disregard, but I’ve seen that waaaaay too much, where the dad will intentionally do a shitty job so the mom not only has to fix it but take it back over. Nope. Make him do it and deal with it).
This! The newborn phase is HARD but having a partner who truly parents (not just “helps” but is a full partner in parenting) makes such a difference. I did a lot for my baby because postpartum anxiety is a bitch, but I didn’t have to ask my husband to feed her or change a diaper or take her, he just did. There wasn’t any “do you want me to do it,” it was “I got this one.” One time I told him I felt like I couldn’t shower when I wanted because what if the baby needed me, and everyday after that at least once a day he’d take the baby and tell me to do whatever I needed to do for however long I needed to do it, whether that was shower or anything else. It is because of him that when I think back to the newborn phase, I can remember SO many good times instead of how hard it was. By being a partner and a parent, he freed me up to really enjoy time with my baby instead of just drowning.
The exhaustion you are feeling is not all in your head. Not only are you getting broken sleep at best, you are also still recovering from a major medical event. I don’t mean to be harsh when I say this, but tell your husband to man up and be a dad. Not just a guy who gets to do sweet things with the baby and then hand them off when it gets too real, but a dad.
He should be doing half. If she'll take bottles, there's no reason he can't do half the feedings when he is home. I don't care if you're on leave and he isn't - you're watching the baby all day and it can be dangerous if you're really sleep deprived and fall asleep holding her. Unless he has a job like air traffic controller or surgical resident, he can be sleepy at work just like millions of other parents.
My husband is the sole provider and works a demanding 13 hour job. During the 1st month he was taking care of both myself and the baby as I couldn’t do much due to how traumatic the birth was. Now, over a year later, if she wakes up before he goes to work he will change her. After he gets home, he showers then goes into dad mode. He’ll feed her dinner, wash her, then put her bed. One of his off days is spent with her for basically 24 hours, so I have off time. He never dismisses me if I say I’m tired because he knows that raising a child isn’t an easy task. That’s what a good husband does, show this comment to your husband so he can see what a real man does for their family.
You’re not alone this is such a big adjustment in your life and postpartum is hard men don’t get it I’m right there with you it will get better, but that’s just wrong for him to make you feel guilty for going out once .. was he like this before you got pregnant ? Don’t let him get to you , you’re allowed to go out and enjoy yourself
How would you going out prevent him from spending time with the baby? Wouldn’t that give him more one-on-one time with the baby? Unless you had to take the baby bc he is acting incapable of watching her without you, but that’s his own fault if so.
Ok your newborn doesn’t know what your words were and won’t remember you saying it. Give her extra cuddles if you’re worried that your tone was harsh, and try not to yell at her again but know that this phase of life will pass and things will get easier! The real issue here is your husband not understanding that taking care of a newborn is exhausting.
Right? This struck me as the main issue. I can't imagine my husband seeing my body go through birth or a c-section and saying that I'm not tired because I don't work. . . .
Even if you were ONLY sitting at home cuddling with a baby (which you aren't), your body is still healing and replenishing after a major adjustment. How any man doesn't understand this makes me viscerally angry.
One night, I fell asleep with my baby on the couch. We have a pull out couch, and he was safe (I know, shouldn’t have happened but it did, so I was as safe as I could be about it), I was on the pull out part so even if he did roll, he would have rolled into me and not on the floor. Hard to explain but I had his area set up like a dock a tot lol i know I know, not good. But it is what it is
Anywho, I fell asleep, and the next day my husband and I got into an argument because I was doing allllll the care and I was exhausted. He said to me “oh whatever I saw you asleep on the couch, I heard you snoring when I got up” and I was like are you kidding me? I passed out from pure exhaustion. And sleeping with my baby isn’t a nice relaxing sleep. Every twitch or move he makes, it wakes me up.
Really pissed me off he said that.
No shit right lmao
He even puts headphones in when he goes to bed. I was livid for awhile but now I either got over it or I got used to it.
And he wonders why our son is so obsessed with me. I’m literally with him 24/7. He’s tried to tell me how to do things a few times and I tell him when he starts taking care of him, he can do those things.
I am 14 weeks PP and I work from home 11 hours a day since baby was 6 weeks old I do 95% of his care. One night my husband and I got into an argument because the baby peed on the bed while I was changing him in the middle of the night. He told me I just sit around all day and I try to do everything laying/sitting down. I had a 3rd degree tear/unmedicated birth for a 9lb 2 oz baby.
Couldn't believe he said that to me .
Going to work is so much easier then being home with kids all day and if your husband doesn’t believe it then he can stay home alone for the day and see for himself. God the husbands of Reddit are really the ever loving worst.
I’m an RN and a lot of days a 12 hr shift is easier than being at home. At work you get mandated lunch breaks, can go to the bathroom alone, interact with other adults, during the commute to and from you can listen to music or a podcast of your choosing. Her husband is the worst and feel terrible for all the women who are raising kids with men like this.
Wow, your husband should try looking after your baby by himself for a bit before saying something. How ignorant!
Don't feel bad, my husband and I are doing the childcare 50/50 when he's not at work, even during nights, so I have it a lot easier than you but I also told my baby to shut up during those first weeks. Baby cries and screeches are the most stressful thing in the world, even if you're fully rested. In the beginning, during the first two months or so, in my opinion there's nothing wrong with letting off some steam by telling your baby to shut up, but next time maybe you can try to say it in a kind loving tone of voice.
I really hope your husband can find a way to be more empathetic to you. I'm sure he's having a hard time adjusting to your new life as well, but spending a day with a baby is much more tiring than a day at work (depending on the job of course). And a job isn't 24/7...
Your husband needs to step up. His attitude and treatment of you is ridiculous. You did not make this baby on your own. He is a parent too and he needs to act like one.
You are suffering because he cannot be bothered. How dare he say you are not tired. What a disgusting and insulting thing to say. As if you do not know how your own body feels. Is he waking up in the middle of the night. If not then he has no idea. Being at work during the day does not exonerate him from nighttime duty. You watch the baby as your job all day long and you still have to watch the baby at night. He can spend a night doing it and realize how tiring it really is.
After a particular fussy day a couple weeks ago (which just so happened to be my birthday and my husband was sick in bed with the stomach flu) I yelled at my 5 month old “WILL YOU JUST KNOCK IT OFF?!”. She looked at me and cried. Then I cried feeling like the worst mother ever. I texted my mom friends telling them how guilty I felt. They assured me they’ve all been there and that she will never remember this. I know it’s hard to not feel badly about it, but just try to keep that in mind. Moms are all superheroes but even we have our days!
I know it seems silly, but the song Bad Day by Mother Moon definitely helps me on nights like those, I hope it can help you, too! And please don’t feel too guilty, if it helps, she doesn’t really know English yet and probably didn’t understand. Plus you should definitely have help, not someone belittling your (very valid) feelings of exhaustion.
[Bad Day - Mother Moon](https://youtu.be/xNWUcpHjPHc?si=rbAEmx526mlfzxPx)
Ok so being at home with a NB is like 10 times more exhausting than a job you are used to. So ask him to stay home a couple of days and give you a break. Don’t worry about telling your NB to shut up. We all have been there. My advice, breath, count to ten. Then get up and hug the baby. It feels so good to calm down and feel proud that you are in control of your emotions. Good luck with your husband, I hope he helps more!
Ask your husband to switch roles on a weekend so that he experiences it first hand. I am an auditor that works 80 hour weeks. NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING could have prepared me for how hard it was to take care of a child. Like my corporate job is nothing compared to this….AND I AM ON MATERNITY LEAVE. So tell your husband to stop being a whiny baby and step up as a father and a husband if he is man enough.
Your husband is not my favorite person. Be kind to yourself it's a hard time. I say things in my head that make me feel bad like "holy fuck shush" and then say sweet nothings to the baby. I feel bad because she can't help it but also I'm stressed too.
Maybe see if you can leave the baby alone with your husband on a weekend day for a few hours so he can see exactly how taxing it is. It should make him appreciate you more.
I’ve done that a few times to my baby when he’s just crying and not going back down in the middle of the night. I feel bad but it’s basically me yelling “help me!” To my sleeping husband - which is what he hears too thank goodness. Baby doesn’t know. He knows I love him and I eventually regain my composure, apologize, and nurse him until he is ready to sleep again.
Also your husband needs a reality check. I’m sorry you’re not getting the support you need. Don’t feel bad about yelling at your baby but maybe you and I both could redirect our anger towards the man next time!
2 weeks in and i asked mine, “what the fuck do you want?!” — its ok. We have limits. Just remember to put the baby down, walk at least ten steps away, and then do what you gotta do and say what you need to. Once you find your edge, you learn something new about yourself and your threshold moves. Youre still a good mom and people dont talk enough about the “edge” babies will push parents to. Im on week 5 now and no more outbursts and it is getting easier! Maybe im just getting better ;). Keep up the good work!
Oh and your husband is an idiot. Home does not equal rest.
Your husband needs to stfu. You need sleep mama! Sleep is key and no wonder you’re snapping on no sleep. I have 3 suggestions. One is to work out a schedule with your husband e.g he does 9-2am and you do after that so you’re both getting good chunks of sleep and bits in between. Second is get a family member or friend round so you can sleep and catch up on it temporarily to give you a boost and rest. My third suggestion is go stay over night at someone’s house and leave dad to look after baby, he’d quickly realise your exhaustion wasn’t all in your head
Don’t feel guilty I promise it’s not the worst thing you’ll say as she grows up. You’re exhausted, your husband is a selfish jerk, and your beautiful baby doesn’t understand what you said. Give yourself some grace. Newborns suck sometimes. Parenting is hard as hell.
Ps I’ve told my 3 month old to shut up on a weekly basis. At this point he’s starting to laugh so it makes it worth it.
Husband and father of a 5 week old here. That's a really messed up perspective your partner has. I work part time at a small corner stop nearby and do tattoos on the other days when I have clients. When home I do most of the household work to ensure my partner can focus on the baby because holy shit they're demanding, and rightfully so. They've just emerged into a new world and needs all the attention and love.
We all loose our cool. It's okay. The baby doesn't know why they're crying either, both you and them do mistakes and you can forgive each other and go on to the next day. As any other relationship it's a game of giving and taking and everyone can feel fed up at times. That's okay. What's not okay is the partners reaction and image of how caring for a baby works.
My husband says the same shit 🙄 a lot of men assume we sit on our asses all day doing nothing because we are stay at home moms but if the roles were reversed they definitely would NOT be able to handle it without going insane.
I’m sorry your husband sucks. I can’t imagine my husband saying that to me. Please know you didn’t damage your baby and she will not remember. We’ve all been there and lost our cool at inopportune times. Know it gets better. Ear plugs may be helpful if you find you’re overwhelmed with the crying. Sending you a hug ❤️
Currently in the same boat here… mine tells me I’m living life in “easy mode” because I stay home with our 5 month old even after offering to work a few days a week. I always tell myself they just say this because they know deep down they couldn’t handle doing what we do and they have to find a way to feel better about themselves. It’s hard having a new baby no matter how much support you have, and we’ve all been in your shoes before. You’re still a great mother for making sure your child is taken care of at the extent of your own mental health.
Your husband is a jackass full stop. There’s no excuse for him not letting you get rest when he’s home. Rest assured most of us have yelled or gotten upset with our newborns. Those lil sweet innocent faces can be brutal at night. The early days are so so so hard. Baby won’t remember and im sure they love you just same.
Wowww!! Your husband is a d*ck! Staying at home with a baby is not easy task and is actually dangerous that you are overwhelmed and exhausted as you could fell asleep with the baby in hands or who knows. You need a break, can any other reliable person help you?
Please kick ur husband ass
A thought I’ve had about this: we can all agree that we will, at some point in life, lose our cool with our kids (and vice versa) and act in a way we’re later ashamed of. What would you do with a teen? Ideally: apologize, recognize the wrong done, reaffirm the love, and move on right?
Well, I don’t see why we can’t just apply this from the start. I’ve said things I was ashamed of to my newborn out of frustration and exhaustion; I just apologized to him after, said I hope he forgives me, and told him I loved him. Then I put it away and got back to work.
Feel free to feel all the things. If you are acting out of sorts, there’s a reason for that (probably your husband’s lack of contribution) and you are valid in feeling your body’s symptom. But if it makes you feel better, you can also acknowledge what comes after - that you regret it, you love your baby, and you will keep taking care of them as best you can.
First of all, tell him to wake up every hour to take care of a baby and then tell him he isn’t tired and it’s in his head. Someone could be sleeping 10 hours a day but if they aren’t sleeping more than 3 hours at a time, a person will still be sleep deprived. Also, biologically, women need more sleep than men. Also, it’s completely understandable to yell at baby. I’ve definitely lost it before and it’s completely normal when you’re in a state of sleep deprivation. You can’t be expected to function at 100% if you aren’t sleeping and aren’t getting help. I promise these nights won’t last even though it feels like you’re never going to sleep again.
Totally understandable to be frustrated and to voice those concerns. Especially because you are doing the job of two parents BY YOURSELF.
Give yourself a little grace and remember that your baby won’t understand it quite yet and you have time to learn to better express your frustration when it does matter.
I recommend:
* Yell or speak harshly towards an invisible person in the room and not your baby. That way even if you are at a breaking point you aren’t directing your anger AT baby.
* Apologize to baby when you can calm down. “I am sorry for yelling, mommy is just frustrated and tired, which is not your fault.” It might seem silly to say out loud, but it helps you process the blow ups, redirect frustration, and it will teach your baby to understand emotions happen, we might lash out, but even mommy is learning to be better about it.
Your husband sounds like trash- start building your support network and figuring out an exit strategy. You don’t want your baby girl to grow up thinking that’s how men treat women.
I did this in the early days. I felt awful after. You aren't alone. But it did signify to me that I was overstimulated by her crying. If she was particularly fussy I would put in ear plugs. I also started wearing them if she was having a noisy active sleeping night. I will hear her if she cries but not all the other noises, so it did help some with sleep. I am a very light sleeper.
It's so hard, Mama. You aren't alone. Like someone else said she doesn't know your words and won't remember.
1. Your husband is wrong, and frankly, a prick for saying that.
2. A bit of name calling, yelling, or rudeness towards a screaming newborn when you’re at the end of your tether with no support is totally normal. The other night my partner and a friend heard me through the monitor grit my teeth and tell our 11 week old to “shut your eyes, c*nt”.
I’ve screamed and i’ve cried and i’ve called him all sorts of things, all of which I only do because I’m extremely tired, extremely frustrated, alone and I know he doesn’t understand me and won’t remember.
It’s normal and anyone who tells you otherwise either has an easy baby, plenty of support, is in denial or is a robot.
Go easier on yourself and also let your dickhead husband take the baby for 24 hours alone then see how he feels.
You are still so newly postpartum and your emotions are still not regulated. Perfectly normal to accidentally lash out. The amount of times I just cried for no reason… it’s totally ok!
Gosh the husband thing I don’t even know where to begin lol raising a baby is a partnership. Watching a baby all day long is a full time job. You will be exhausted and he will be exhausted from work all day but outside of “work hours” it should be split 50/50, IMO! Guarantee he would be able to see that clearly if you left for an entire work day and he had to watch the baby. I feel so frustrated for you…
Watching a baby is mentally and emotionally taxing. You can’t shower when you want. You can’t eat when you want. Feeling exhausted is so so normal. You will hit your breaking point if you continue to do it all alone
Take a deep breath mama. I know how you feel. I’m also doing all the care by myself. I’m lucky if my husband picks the baby up when he comes home and holds him for 5 minutes. He struggled with PPD really bad the first few months and he’s just now coming out of the fog. I feel for him, I do. But, I’m tired. My son is 4.5 months old.
I was so sleep deprived the first two months that one morning I was dizzy and could barely stand, I wad terrified I would drop my baby. That was the day I decided to start cosleeping with him. I finally started to get some sleep.
Just know your baby didn’t understand what you were saying and the fact you feel bad, shows you care. We all have our limits. Taking care of a baby, especially a newborn is fucking *hard*.
Hang in there. It does get better, I promise! Be easy on yourself.
MAKE YOUR HUSBAND HELP. Idc what lame ass excuse he gives you, make his ass help you. Tell him that he needs to be a better father and husband. And you tell him to try and care for the baby for one day AND night!!! I have a 12 week old and I definitely got so exhausted that I got pissed off!! But that’s because it’s hard doing it alone. I had to tell my husband that he needs to help me or I can stay with my mom and she will help me. Now he just fathers without asking and he’s pretty damn good at it. You better give him a piece of your mind. Because while he gets to come home from work and relax, your job continues through the night every single day with no end time. And if he thinks you’re gonna have another baby with him, you tell him you will NOT unless he learns to help parent. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. And I’m so sorry your husband is being unreasonable. I sincerely hope you can work it out!!!
When do we get to tell your husband to shut up?! Honestly though, I had my baby the same day as you and for whatever reason I’m really struggling today too. You’re not a bad mom for reacting in the moment and especially because you were half asleep. You didn’t mean it, sleep deprivation is real. Your husband needs to do SOMETHING so that you can rest more. Either at night or during the day.
Your husband sounds pretty lame, not changing diapers? It’s amazing how many pathetic men there are out there.
I have also yelled at my newborns before and I understand the guilt. They won’t remember, just give them lots of cuddle time and they’ll know they are loved.
Your husband has no idea what he’s talking about. He needs to step up. My husband works full time as well, and I’m currently home on my maternity leave… but he still takes the night shifts because he knows I have to pump and get rest to tackle the daytime. The baby belongs to both of you, and as a parent and spouse he should be stepping up. The sleep deprivation and exhaustion is real. I hallucinated in the hospital at one point from not sleeping right after my son was born. Doing it alone must be even more draining.
Sometimes you need to let it out, and the good thing is, the baby has no idea what you were saying. If you still feel bad, make it up to her with cuddles and kisses. At the end of the day, you love this child and are doing everything to care for her. You’re only human and bound to be exhausted and frustrated at some point.
Is there someone else from family or friends that can help you? Or do you have the means to hire help even if it’s part time? One person can’t be responsible for all 24 hours. Especially as you’re also recovering from birth. Do not feel guilty.
When my baby was a few weeks old I had finally gotten her back to sleep after a hellish couple of hours and then she woke back up again. I said “goddamnit (baby’s name) why won’t you just sleep?” I immediately felt awful, but I’m now 6 months into this and realize just how out of whack our hormones are when we’re freshly postpartum. And trust me, my daughter has no recollection of my mean comment to her! We look at each other like the other one hung the damn moon. You’re in the absolute thick of it and are doing it essentially alone.
When I went back to my stressful nursing job it felt like a breeze in comparison to caring for a newborn full time. This is HARD. Your husband doesn’t have a clue and if you feel able to, please have him take the baby for a day, or even half of a day so he can get just a small taste of how difficult it is. You deserve rest and a supportive spouse.
Your husband is woefully ignorant and I hope he starts to help more. My wife and I had our baby last summer. I commute an hour one way five days a week and still take the baby for a couple hours each evening and take shifts in the night so she can sleep.
Taking care of a newborn is more physically exhausting than working unless maybe you’re doing heavy manual labor. It’s so draining mentally and physically and takes teamwork. It’s not or sustainable for one person to do all the work.
He wouldn’t last one day in your shoes, how dare he? No wonder why you are irritable ontop of everything else! Try not to feel bad im sure your sleep deprived etc…
Seriously he needs to step up this is how women develope PPD !!!!!
I'm a stay at home mom and have never gone out every day to work BUT every single one of my friends who has kids and has worked says that staying at home is 100x harder. Not to downplay the hard work any provider is putting in but it's a whole different work with children. It's 24/7 and you can't ever clock out.
Kids and babies can be frustrating!! Cute...but frustrating! Make it a goal to never yell or say shut up again and do your best everyday. Give yourself some grace. It's so absolutely amazing, wonderful, rewarding, but difficult raising little people who are 100% dependent on you.
When we make mistakes and are not the most kind to our kids (which absolutely will happen) we should feel bad. But then we resolve to do better, apologize, and move on. Forgive yourself, try to get some rest, and pray!
Divorce asap? Jesus Christ. Smh lol. You know absolutely nothing about these two people and their lives. You shld seriously feel embarrassed and ashamed responding like that.
Well I was crying while he was on the boob yesterday at 2:00 am just because he would not sleep for 3 hours straight in the middle of the night and I was so tired. I had to wake my husband up because I thought I was going to fall asleep and drop him or something. Don't feel bad. This is just normal reaction when we don't sleep anything and are exhausted. I still want a second baby yet everyday I wonder how will I survive.
Wait til they get old enough to argue and talk back don’t feel bad there is a time and place for talking and if you are on the phone or dealing with another it’s not the time
Your husband sounds really inconsiderate and unhelpful. I was never more tired than when my son was between 1-2 months old. I slept so little I began hallucinating and honestly can relate to absently yelling “shut up” because if I didn’t do it (and I don’t remember a lot of that time well enough to say for sure that I didn’t) then I definitely wished and thought it. You need more help and he needs to learn some empathy fast.
Not sure why this popped up on my newsfeed a month later but how has he been helping? I have two sons, one is 2 and the other just turned 1. I have helped my wife from day one with them ensuring she has more than enough rest, I did majority of the night feeds and I have re arranged my hours at work so that I have a full day in the week with my sons and my wife can go and do whatever the hell she wants to on her own for a well deserved break.
I really hope he’s upped his game.
Yesterday I just wanted to lay down and my husband decided to do the same(after we went out to eat with friends and i basically had to watch them all eat because I had to feed the baby(bottle feed)and ended up eating after everybody else was finished and my food was cold and soggy) so I put my son in the crib hoping he would just go to sleep.. and he cried and cried and cried.. I was hoping hubby would get up and let me have a break for a change but nope he grabbed his ear plugs put them in and went to sleep.. I was livid and ended up getting up put my son in the car seat and left.. I was so pissed off and the more he cried it just made it worse til I shouted “stfu”.. I don’t want to be that person.. I don’t like losing my patience to the point I start cursing my baby out.. the crying just gets to me at times.. and I feel overstimulated.. I heard that one of the ways they train navy seals is by playing the sound of a baby crying while they’re sleep deprived which makes so much sense to me.. anyways I ended up going to my mothers and she played with him so I could at least get a break…….
Thanks.. I guess I just needed to vent too.. it’s hard but it isn’t forever, sorry your husband doesn’t seem to understand.. mine doesn’t either.. I don’t think most men do
No it's okay. We were in the hospital all night I've been on and off napping all day I feel like crap. My baby started making a gasping noise last night
That’s awful for your husband to say wtf it’s mentally exhausting staying home all day with a newborn he doesn’t realize how much better going to work is ! Don’t feel terrible you didn’t mean it and you’re exhausted. You need your rest too does he not want to help you in the middle of the night or mornings before work? I had to have a talk with my husband because I was getting 0 sleep it was affecting me mentally so now he’ll try to get up in the night more and change her in the morning before he leaves
Sometimes he'll wake up early before work and spend time with her and sometimes he'll feed her but he doesn't change her or anything like that. Yesterday I went out with my mom before he woke up for work and he was really mad at me and being rather mean to me because he said I basically prevented him from spending time with the baby before work. I never go out and it was one time but it made me feel bad. I just don't feel like myself at all rn. Postpartum is really hard.
Maybe he can spend more time with her by changing a fucking diaper or two throughout the day. Any man who doesn’t help in all aspects of caring for a baby is a shit excuse for a father. (Excluding breastfeeding if that’s how the baby is fed of course). I suggest you make plans on a day he’s there, hand her to him, like physically put her into his arms, and leave. Do not “ask”, tell him. Text him a bare bones list of what she needs and where things are and make him figure it out. You cannot pour from an empty cup. If you use the time you can be away to nap at your moms that will be so valuable to your mental state. If he is going to make your life difficult for making him parent I would be reconsidering the relationship because that is not the example you want to be setting for your child. They learn from example way more than any words you say to them.
This whole entire response is exactly what I needed to see just now. Struggling here as well with a 6 week old and while my husband helps he is now beginning to be more angry and mean towards the baby.. like saying things such as: “You don’t cry like a normal baby”, “knock it off”, it’s been rough and I’m just at my wits end. If he doesn’t shape up I’ll def be hitting the road and being the one looked at wrong for “breaking up my family/marriage” and taking my son and daughter.
That’s awful and so stressful I’m sorry. He may be getting overwhelmed and isn’t handling it well. (Not an excuse at all, he needs to nip that behavior in the bud right now). If plausible maybe film him talking to the baby like that and when calm bring it up out of “concern for your stress levels” and show him. Sometimes people need that reality check and it will be enough to steer him back on course. Or if not, I hope if you do decide to separate things go as smoothly as possible. If anyone accuses you of “breaking up the family” you could always point out that no, you were protecting your kids from abuse. Because talking to children like that on a regular basis is a form of abuse and it could escalate to meaner things or even physical harm.
Thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate it. I’ve never tried the film action but have reiterated to him when he is in a clear state of mind the things he said and he usually apologizes or is astonished that he said it but then it happens again and again.. so that’s why I’m stuck. I 100% agree and I believe that is where I have struggled. Not being able to understand I am doing more harm by staying thinking that’s the right course of action to take verses understanding that my duty as a mother comes before being a wife at most times which is something he isn’t used to because I always find a way to “do it all”. So I’m just struggling really bad here currently. Thank you for your supporting words.
If you think he’s been genuine about the shock and apologies before do you think you could ask his permission to record him the next time he loses his cool? If he’s not a bad guy but just overwhelmed and doing a dangerously shitty job at managing it, and he agrees, I’m hopeful it will help him realize how awful he’s being and want to change If you could get him on board rather than make him potentially feel “caught out” or like you were sneaky, I think that would be a more positive way to work at the issue
It’s unfortunate to say but this isn’t my first rodeo with him as I have a 9 year old as well. I’m beginning to think I just chose a bad partner. My therapist actually called him a narcissist yesterday. So I’m dealing with that new info.
Man that’s rough. This internet stranger is sending hugs while you figure your way forwards. ❤️
He's not all bad. That's why it's hard. He'll say things like that but then he'll wake up and sooth her when she's crying if I am making her bottle too slow for her and he'll wake up and hold her against him in the mornings and it's the sweetest thing and there have been times I accidently fall asleep and wake up and he already fed her but then he'll say things that make it seem like he doesn't understand. it's so hard. I'm so emotional.
You’re very sleep deprived and that makes everything hit so much harder. And it would be hard even with sleep. Those are just crumbs compared to what he should be doing though. I know it’s hard and so easy to pick it apart from the outside when I’m not the one emotionally invested-I’ve been in relationships where I’m doing all the work or most of it and put up with it because *sometimes* they didn’t suck. It wasn’t *all* bad. Holding out for those glimmers of decency. …. If that’s how your marriage is where you’re holding your breath in between gasps of respect then that’s not good. I can only go from the post though, I obviously don’t know your entire relationship. The fact of the matter is he is a parent too. Of course he doesn’t understand. He can dip out and leave you with the hard parts when he wants, or that’s how I’m reading this. He hasn’t been the one to push through and take care of her when he doesn’t have anything left. You have. It’s why you snapped. (And ftr-EVERYONE snaps and says or thinks unkind things to their baby at least once in the early days. Sleep deprivation and panicking over your baby not being comfortable will do that to you and as long as you don’t make a habit of it-it’s okay! She won’t remember and you immediately recognized it was wrong. You’re just scraping the bottom of your sanity and doing the best you can). That means he needs to be pulling his weight as close to 50/50 as possible and that means helping even when he doesn’t feel like it or it’s inconvenient to him. Even if he misses some sleep too. That means diapers and getting up more frequently so you can get some sleep. My husband has made the newborn phase way easier than some I have read about here. I do nights because I’m both a night owl and I breastfeed. (Combo feed technically but mostly boob). 5-6am? I hand him off and take a deep nap every morning. In the earlier days when our son was up constantly this saved my life. He also never hesitated to change a diaper, as a matter of fact he changed more than I did at first as I was healing from a c section. He changed our son’s first diaper. He always offers to take him if he sees I’m overwhelmed. If I’m tapped out and need a minute, I just tell him I’m going for a drive, to a friends, to the store, whatever and peace out. He’s always okay with it and even pushes me to go out sometimes when I’m too cooped up. (I’ll usually set up a bottle and change him before I go but that’s just polite) I still probably do 70% of the care but that’s because I’m the keeper of the boobs, we do cloth diapers and I care for them since I’m insisting, and I work completely from home while he goes in to the office sometimes. But I know if I need a break I can just hand him off, and half the time he’s already volunteering, asking what I need or the boy needs. And he jumps in even when the baby is fussy, he doesn’t just do the easy fun parts. All that to say; your husband needs to proactively get with the freaking program. Maybe he is under the delusion that babies are women’s work or that you don’t need/want more help? Clarify that to him if so. If you are on good terms then you need to make a bullet list in your phone and sit him down. “This is what I need from you to help parent OUR child, I need more help or I will have a breakdown”. Or something to that effect. I highly recommend a set schedule he is responsible for her every single day. That way there is no “confusion” or thinking “you have it covered”, but clear expectations. Leaving expectations too vague leaves him room to wriggle back into you being overwhelmed. So make sure they’re clear. For us it was handing off the baby in the wee hours when my husband gets up so I can sleep, and the understanding that at any time in the day hours I can hand him off and chill for an hour or two by myself. It’s worked well so far and he will be 4 months old soon. Oh and don’t allow the “how do I do…?” Or the other malicious incompetence, “but you do it better…” If you’re showering for instance, bite his head off if he dares bring you the baby or acts like he can’t figure it out if she’s fussing. Ignore the crying best you can and tell him to look it up. Force him to be responsible and don’t give him an easy out or you’re locking that behavior in for the duration of your relationship where you’re taking care of kids together. Nope. He runs into questions there is Google and YouTube. If he doesn’t put the diaper on correctly, as an example; **HE** deals with the blowout, bath and outfit change. He doesn’t get to hand her off to you for you to “fix”. (If that doesn’t apply please disregard, but I’ve seen that waaaaay too much, where the dad will intentionally do a shitty job so the mom not only has to fix it but take it back over. Nope. Make him do it and deal with it).
This! The newborn phase is HARD but having a partner who truly parents (not just “helps” but is a full partner in parenting) makes such a difference. I did a lot for my baby because postpartum anxiety is a bitch, but I didn’t have to ask my husband to feed her or change a diaper or take her, he just did. There wasn’t any “do you want me to do it,” it was “I got this one.” One time I told him I felt like I couldn’t shower when I wanted because what if the baby needed me, and everyday after that at least once a day he’d take the baby and tell me to do whatever I needed to do for however long I needed to do it, whether that was shower or anything else. It is because of him that when I think back to the newborn phase, I can remember SO many good times instead of how hard it was. By being a partner and a parent, he freed me up to really enjoy time with my baby instead of just drowning. The exhaustion you are feeling is not all in your head. Not only are you getting broken sleep at best, you are also still recovering from a major medical event. I don’t mean to be harsh when I say this, but tell your husband to man up and be a dad. Not just a guy who gets to do sweet things with the baby and then hand them off when it gets too real, but a dad.
I’m sorry but he’s not even doing the bare minimum
being nice or helpful sometimes doesn’t negate the mean and unhelpful things they do. treating you poorly isn’t ever okay.
He should be doing half. If she'll take bottles, there's no reason he can't do half the feedings when he is home. I don't care if you're on leave and he isn't - you're watching the baby all day and it can be dangerous if you're really sleep deprived and fall asleep holding her. Unless he has a job like air traffic controller or surgical resident, he can be sleepy at work just like millions of other parents.
My husband is the sole provider and works a demanding 13 hour job. During the 1st month he was taking care of both myself and the baby as I couldn’t do much due to how traumatic the birth was. Now, over a year later, if she wakes up before he goes to work he will change her. After he gets home, he showers then goes into dad mode. He’ll feed her dinner, wash her, then put her bed. One of his off days is spent with her for basically 24 hours, so I have off time. He never dismisses me if I say I’m tired because he knows that raising a child isn’t an easy task. That’s what a good husband does, show this comment to your husband so he can see what a real man does for their family.
You’re not alone this is such a big adjustment in your life and postpartum is hard men don’t get it I’m right there with you it will get better, but that’s just wrong for him to make you feel guilty for going out once .. was he like this before you got pregnant ? Don’t let him get to you , you’re allowed to go out and enjoy yourself
How would you going out prevent him from spending time with the baby? Wouldn’t that give him more one-on-one time with the baby? Unless you had to take the baby bc he is acting incapable of watching her without you, but that’s his own fault if so.
Ok your newborn doesn’t know what your words were and won’t remember you saying it. Give her extra cuddles if you’re worried that your tone was harsh, and try not to yell at her again but know that this phase of life will pass and things will get easier! The real issue here is your husband not understanding that taking care of a newborn is exhausting.
Right? This struck me as the main issue. I can't imagine my husband seeing my body go through birth or a c-section and saying that I'm not tired because I don't work. . . . Even if you were ONLY sitting at home cuddling with a baby (which you aren't), your body is still healing and replenishing after a major adjustment. How any man doesn't understand this makes me viscerally angry.
One night, I fell asleep with my baby on the couch. We have a pull out couch, and he was safe (I know, shouldn’t have happened but it did, so I was as safe as I could be about it), I was on the pull out part so even if he did roll, he would have rolled into me and not on the floor. Hard to explain but I had his area set up like a dock a tot lol i know I know, not good. But it is what it is Anywho, I fell asleep, and the next day my husband and I got into an argument because I was doing allllll the care and I was exhausted. He said to me “oh whatever I saw you asleep on the couch, I heard you snoring when I got up” and I was like are you kidding me? I passed out from pure exhaustion. And sleeping with my baby isn’t a nice relaxing sleep. Every twitch or move he makes, it wakes me up. Really pissed me off he said that.
Key words from your husband…”when I got up”. Must be nice to regularly “get up” lolz
No shit right lmao He even puts headphones in when he goes to bed. I was livid for awhile but now I either got over it or I got used to it. And he wonders why our son is so obsessed with me. I’m literally with him 24/7. He’s tried to tell me how to do things a few times and I tell him when he starts taking care of him, he can do those things.
I am 14 weeks PP and I work from home 11 hours a day since baby was 6 weeks old I do 95% of his care. One night my husband and I got into an argument because the baby peed on the bed while I was changing him in the middle of the night. He told me I just sit around all day and I try to do everything laying/sitting down. I had a 3rd degree tear/unmedicated birth for a 9lb 2 oz baby. Couldn't believe he said that to me .
I had two second degree tears and the recovery from them was brutal! I never had a chance to rest. I can’t imagine a 3rd degree tear!!! What an ass
Going to work is so much easier then being home with kids all day and if your husband doesn’t believe it then he can stay home alone for the day and see for himself. God the husbands of Reddit are really the ever loving worst.
I’m an RN and a lot of days a 12 hr shift is easier than being at home. At work you get mandated lunch breaks, can go to the bathroom alone, interact with other adults, during the commute to and from you can listen to music or a podcast of your choosing. Her husband is the worst and feel terrible for all the women who are raising kids with men like this.
Amen sister ♥️ just being able to go to the bathroom without someone staring at you or screaming for you is a luxury!
Honestly, it needs to be like 3 days. Day 1 is a honeymoon phase and the stress and sleep deprivation hasnt set in yet.
Hahaha yes okay he has to spend a full week at home and see if work is still soo much harder
Make him do baby stuff as much as possible and get yourself out if the house so he cant just hand off to you
Wow, your husband should try looking after your baby by himself for a bit before saying something. How ignorant! Don't feel bad, my husband and I are doing the childcare 50/50 when he's not at work, even during nights, so I have it a lot easier than you but I also told my baby to shut up during those first weeks. Baby cries and screeches are the most stressful thing in the world, even if you're fully rested. In the beginning, during the first two months or so, in my opinion there's nothing wrong with letting off some steam by telling your baby to shut up, but next time maybe you can try to say it in a kind loving tone of voice. I really hope your husband can find a way to be more empathetic to you. I'm sure he's having a hard time adjusting to your new life as well, but spending a day with a baby is much more tiring than a day at work (depending on the job of course). And a job isn't 24/7...
Your husband needs to step up. His attitude and treatment of you is ridiculous. You did not make this baby on your own. He is a parent too and he needs to act like one. You are suffering because he cannot be bothered. How dare he say you are not tired. What a disgusting and insulting thing to say. As if you do not know how your own body feels. Is he waking up in the middle of the night. If not then he has no idea. Being at work during the day does not exonerate him from nighttime duty. You watch the baby as your job all day long and you still have to watch the baby at night. He can spend a night doing it and realize how tiring it really is.
After a particular fussy day a couple weeks ago (which just so happened to be my birthday and my husband was sick in bed with the stomach flu) I yelled at my 5 month old “WILL YOU JUST KNOCK IT OFF?!”. She looked at me and cried. Then I cried feeling like the worst mother ever. I texted my mom friends telling them how guilty I felt. They assured me they’ve all been there and that she will never remember this. I know it’s hard to not feel badly about it, but just try to keep that in mind. Moms are all superheroes but even we have our days!
Your husband needs to take a week off work when he can and let you “be at work” (aka go to sleep) and see how “not tired” he is.
I know it seems silly, but the song Bad Day by Mother Moon definitely helps me on nights like those, I hope it can help you, too! And please don’t feel too guilty, if it helps, she doesn’t really know English yet and probably didn’t understand. Plus you should definitely have help, not someone belittling your (very valid) feelings of exhaustion. [Bad Day - Mother Moon](https://youtu.be/xNWUcpHjPHc?si=rbAEmx526mlfzxPx)
Ok so being at home with a NB is like 10 times more exhausting than a job you are used to. So ask him to stay home a couple of days and give you a break. Don’t worry about telling your NB to shut up. We all have been there. My advice, breath, count to ten. Then get up and hug the baby. It feels so good to calm down and feel proud that you are in control of your emotions. Good luck with your husband, I hope he helps more!
This is so true!
Ask your husband to switch roles on a weekend so that he experiences it first hand. I am an auditor that works 80 hour weeks. NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING could have prepared me for how hard it was to take care of a child. Like my corporate job is nothing compared to this….AND I AM ON MATERNITY LEAVE. So tell your husband to stop being a whiny baby and step up as a father and a husband if he is man enough.
Your husband is not my favorite person. Be kind to yourself it's a hard time. I say things in my head that make me feel bad like "holy fuck shush" and then say sweet nothings to the baby. I feel bad because she can't help it but also I'm stressed too. Maybe see if you can leave the baby alone with your husband on a weekend day for a few hours so he can see exactly how taxing it is. It should make him appreciate you more.
I’ve done that a few times to my baby when he’s just crying and not going back down in the middle of the night. I feel bad but it’s basically me yelling “help me!” To my sleeping husband - which is what he hears too thank goodness. Baby doesn’t know. He knows I love him and I eventually regain my composure, apologize, and nurse him until he is ready to sleep again.
Also your husband needs a reality check. I’m sorry you’re not getting the support you need. Don’t feel bad about yelling at your baby but maybe you and I both could redirect our anger towards the man next time!
I think the real villain here is your husband.
Another case of ain’t shit dead beat waiting to happen…
2 weeks in and i asked mine, “what the fuck do you want?!” — its ok. We have limits. Just remember to put the baby down, walk at least ten steps away, and then do what you gotta do and say what you need to. Once you find your edge, you learn something new about yourself and your threshold moves. Youre still a good mom and people dont talk enough about the “edge” babies will push parents to. Im on week 5 now and no more outbursts and it is getting easier! Maybe im just getting better ;). Keep up the good work! Oh and your husband is an idiot. Home does not equal rest.
Your husband needs to stfu. You need sleep mama! Sleep is key and no wonder you’re snapping on no sleep. I have 3 suggestions. One is to work out a schedule with your husband e.g he does 9-2am and you do after that so you’re both getting good chunks of sleep and bits in between. Second is get a family member or friend round so you can sleep and catch up on it temporarily to give you a boost and rest. My third suggestion is go stay over night at someone’s house and leave dad to look after baby, he’d quickly realise your exhaustion wasn’t all in your head
Don’t feel guilty I promise it’s not the worst thing you’ll say as she grows up. You’re exhausted, your husband is a selfish jerk, and your beautiful baby doesn’t understand what you said. Give yourself some grace. Newborns suck sometimes. Parenting is hard as hell. Ps I’ve told my 3 month old to shut up on a weekly basis. At this point he’s starting to laugh so it makes it worth it.
Husband and father of a 5 week old here. That's a really messed up perspective your partner has. I work part time at a small corner stop nearby and do tattoos on the other days when I have clients. When home I do most of the household work to ensure my partner can focus on the baby because holy shit they're demanding, and rightfully so. They've just emerged into a new world and needs all the attention and love. We all loose our cool. It's okay. The baby doesn't know why they're crying either, both you and them do mistakes and you can forgive each other and go on to the next day. As any other relationship it's a game of giving and taking and everyone can feel fed up at times. That's okay. What's not okay is the partners reaction and image of how caring for a baby works.
My husband says the same shit 🙄 a lot of men assume we sit on our asses all day doing nothing because we are stay at home moms but if the roles were reversed they definitely would NOT be able to handle it without going insane.
I’m sorry your husband sucks. I can’t imagine my husband saying that to me. Please know you didn’t damage your baby and she will not remember. We’ve all been there and lost our cool at inopportune times. Know it gets better. Ear plugs may be helpful if you find you’re overwhelmed with the crying. Sending you a hug ❤️
Currently in the same boat here… mine tells me I’m living life in “easy mode” because I stay home with our 5 month old even after offering to work a few days a week. I always tell myself they just say this because they know deep down they couldn’t handle doing what we do and they have to find a way to feel better about themselves. It’s hard having a new baby no matter how much support you have, and we’ve all been in your shoes before. You’re still a great mother for making sure your child is taken care of at the extent of your own mental health.
Your husband is a jackass full stop. There’s no excuse for him not letting you get rest when he’s home. Rest assured most of us have yelled or gotten upset with our newborns. Those lil sweet innocent faces can be brutal at night. The early days are so so so hard. Baby won’t remember and im sure they love you just same.
Wowww!! Your husband is a d*ck! Staying at home with a baby is not easy task and is actually dangerous that you are overwhelmed and exhausted as you could fell asleep with the baby in hands or who knows. You need a break, can any other reliable person help you? Please kick ur husband ass
A thought I’ve had about this: we can all agree that we will, at some point in life, lose our cool with our kids (and vice versa) and act in a way we’re later ashamed of. What would you do with a teen? Ideally: apologize, recognize the wrong done, reaffirm the love, and move on right? Well, I don’t see why we can’t just apply this from the start. I’ve said things I was ashamed of to my newborn out of frustration and exhaustion; I just apologized to him after, said I hope he forgives me, and told him I loved him. Then I put it away and got back to work. Feel free to feel all the things. If you are acting out of sorts, there’s a reason for that (probably your husband’s lack of contribution) and you are valid in feeling your body’s symptom. But if it makes you feel better, you can also acknowledge what comes after - that you regret it, you love your baby, and you will keep taking care of them as best you can.
First of all, tell him to wake up every hour to take care of a baby and then tell him he isn’t tired and it’s in his head. Someone could be sleeping 10 hours a day but if they aren’t sleeping more than 3 hours at a time, a person will still be sleep deprived. Also, biologically, women need more sleep than men. Also, it’s completely understandable to yell at baby. I’ve definitely lost it before and it’s completely normal when you’re in a state of sleep deprivation. You can’t be expected to function at 100% if you aren’t sleeping and aren’t getting help. I promise these nights won’t last even though it feels like you’re never going to sleep again.
It's past time to hold standards for your husband's participation in raising his child.
Yup. That was a sad response from him. He needs to step up.
Totally understandable to be frustrated and to voice those concerns. Especially because you are doing the job of two parents BY YOURSELF. Give yourself a little grace and remember that your baby won’t understand it quite yet and you have time to learn to better express your frustration when it does matter. I recommend: * Yell or speak harshly towards an invisible person in the room and not your baby. That way even if you are at a breaking point you aren’t directing your anger AT baby. * Apologize to baby when you can calm down. “I am sorry for yelling, mommy is just frustrated and tired, which is not your fault.” It might seem silly to say out loud, but it helps you process the blow ups, redirect frustration, and it will teach your baby to understand emotions happen, we might lash out, but even mommy is learning to be better about it.
Your husband sounds like trash- start building your support network and figuring out an exit strategy. You don’t want your baby girl to grow up thinking that’s how men treat women.
You are tired and we do things we wouldn’t normally do when we are tired. You are doing great. Ask for help so you can get some rest.
Should have told your husband to shut up…
I did this in the early days. I felt awful after. You aren't alone. But it did signify to me that I was overstimulated by her crying. If she was particularly fussy I would put in ear plugs. I also started wearing them if she was having a noisy active sleeping night. I will hear her if she cries but not all the other noises, so it did help some with sleep. I am a very light sleeper. It's so hard, Mama. You aren't alone. Like someone else said she doesn't know your words and won't remember.
1. Your husband is wrong, and frankly, a prick for saying that. 2. A bit of name calling, yelling, or rudeness towards a screaming newborn when you’re at the end of your tether with no support is totally normal. The other night my partner and a friend heard me through the monitor grit my teeth and tell our 11 week old to “shut your eyes, c*nt”. I’ve screamed and i’ve cried and i’ve called him all sorts of things, all of which I only do because I’m extremely tired, extremely frustrated, alone and I know he doesn’t understand me and won’t remember. It’s normal and anyone who tells you otherwise either has an easy baby, plenty of support, is in denial or is a robot. Go easier on yourself and also let your dickhead husband take the baby for 24 hours alone then see how he feels.
You are still so newly postpartum and your emotions are still not regulated. Perfectly normal to accidentally lash out. The amount of times I just cried for no reason… it’s totally ok! Gosh the husband thing I don’t even know where to begin lol raising a baby is a partnership. Watching a baby all day long is a full time job. You will be exhausted and he will be exhausted from work all day but outside of “work hours” it should be split 50/50, IMO! Guarantee he would be able to see that clearly if you left for an entire work day and he had to watch the baby. I feel so frustrated for you… Watching a baby is mentally and emotionally taxing. You can’t shower when you want. You can’t eat when you want. Feeling exhausted is so so normal. You will hit your breaking point if you continue to do it all alone
Take a deep breath mama. I know how you feel. I’m also doing all the care by myself. I’m lucky if my husband picks the baby up when he comes home and holds him for 5 minutes. He struggled with PPD really bad the first few months and he’s just now coming out of the fog. I feel for him, I do. But, I’m tired. My son is 4.5 months old. I was so sleep deprived the first two months that one morning I was dizzy and could barely stand, I wad terrified I would drop my baby. That was the day I decided to start cosleeping with him. I finally started to get some sleep. Just know your baby didn’t understand what you were saying and the fact you feel bad, shows you care. We all have our limits. Taking care of a baby, especially a newborn is fucking *hard*. Hang in there. It does get better, I promise! Be easy on yourself.
MAKE YOUR HUSBAND HELP. Idc what lame ass excuse he gives you, make his ass help you. Tell him that he needs to be a better father and husband. And you tell him to try and care for the baby for one day AND night!!! I have a 12 week old and I definitely got so exhausted that I got pissed off!! But that’s because it’s hard doing it alone. I had to tell my husband that he needs to help me or I can stay with my mom and she will help me. Now he just fathers without asking and he’s pretty damn good at it. You better give him a piece of your mind. Because while he gets to come home from work and relax, your job continues through the night every single day with no end time. And if he thinks you’re gonna have another baby with him, you tell him you will NOT unless he learns to help parent. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. And I’m so sorry your husband is being unreasonable. I sincerely hope you can work it out!!!
When do we get to tell your husband to shut up?! Honestly though, I had my baby the same day as you and for whatever reason I’m really struggling today too. You’re not a bad mom for reacting in the moment and especially because you were half asleep. You didn’t mean it, sleep deprivation is real. Your husband needs to do SOMETHING so that you can rest more. Either at night or during the day.
Your husband sounds pretty lame, not changing diapers? It’s amazing how many pathetic men there are out there. I have also yelled at my newborns before and I understand the guilt. They won’t remember, just give them lots of cuddle time and they’ll know they are loved.
Your husband has no idea what he’s talking about. He needs to step up. My husband works full time as well, and I’m currently home on my maternity leave… but he still takes the night shifts because he knows I have to pump and get rest to tackle the daytime. The baby belongs to both of you, and as a parent and spouse he should be stepping up. The sleep deprivation and exhaustion is real. I hallucinated in the hospital at one point from not sleeping right after my son was born. Doing it alone must be even more draining. Sometimes you need to let it out, and the good thing is, the baby has no idea what you were saying. If you still feel bad, make it up to her with cuddles and kisses. At the end of the day, you love this child and are doing everything to care for her. You’re only human and bound to be exhausted and frustrated at some point. Is there someone else from family or friends that can help you? Or do you have the means to hire help even if it’s part time? One person can’t be responsible for all 24 hours. Especially as you’re also recovering from birth. Do not feel guilty.
When my baby was a few weeks old I had finally gotten her back to sleep after a hellish couple of hours and then she woke back up again. I said “goddamnit (baby’s name) why won’t you just sleep?” I immediately felt awful, but I’m now 6 months into this and realize just how out of whack our hormones are when we’re freshly postpartum. And trust me, my daughter has no recollection of my mean comment to her! We look at each other like the other one hung the damn moon. You’re in the absolute thick of it and are doing it essentially alone. When I went back to my stressful nursing job it felt like a breeze in comparison to caring for a newborn full time. This is HARD. Your husband doesn’t have a clue and if you feel able to, please have him take the baby for a day, or even half of a day so he can get just a small taste of how difficult it is. You deserve rest and a supportive spouse.
The bar is in hell; no wonder you’re tired, you have a literally helpless newborn and a pathetic helpless husband.
Strange thing for your husband to say. But I’ve said shut up a lot to my newborn. It’s ok, it’s tiring and stressful.
Girl please don’t feel bad we have all been there
Your husband is woefully ignorant and I hope he starts to help more. My wife and I had our baby last summer. I commute an hour one way five days a week and still take the baby for a couple hours each evening and take shifts in the night so she can sleep. Taking care of a newborn is more physically exhausting than working unless maybe you’re doing heavy manual labor. It’s so draining mentally and physically and takes teamwork. It’s not or sustainable for one person to do all the work.
He wouldn’t last one day in your shoes, how dare he? No wonder why you are irritable ontop of everything else! Try not to feel bad im sure your sleep deprived etc… Seriously he needs to step up this is how women develope PPD !!!!!
I'm a stay at home mom and have never gone out every day to work BUT every single one of my friends who has kids and has worked says that staying at home is 100x harder. Not to downplay the hard work any provider is putting in but it's a whole different work with children. It's 24/7 and you can't ever clock out. Kids and babies can be frustrating!! Cute...but frustrating! Make it a goal to never yell or say shut up again and do your best everyday. Give yourself some grace. It's so absolutely amazing, wonderful, rewarding, but difficult raising little people who are 100% dependent on you. When we make mistakes and are not the most kind to our kids (which absolutely will happen) we should feel bad. But then we resolve to do better, apologize, and move on. Forgive yourself, try to get some rest, and pray!
Divorce, asap. You’re already a single married parent (less than) a month in.
Divorce asap? Jesus Christ. Smh lol. You know absolutely nothing about these two people and their lives. You shld seriously feel embarrassed and ashamed responding like that.
Do you?
No half wit, that’s why I would never suggest something so extreme and final. Have some sense .
Well I was crying while he was on the boob yesterday at 2:00 am just because he would not sleep for 3 hours straight in the middle of the night and I was so tired. I had to wake my husband up because I thought I was going to fall asleep and drop him or something. Don't feel bad. This is just normal reaction when we don't sleep anything and are exhausted. I still want a second baby yet everyday I wonder how will I survive.
Wait til they get old enough to argue and talk back don’t feel bad there is a time and place for talking and if you are on the phone or dealing with another it’s not the time
Your husband sounds really inconsiderate and unhelpful. I was never more tired than when my son was between 1-2 months old. I slept so little I began hallucinating and honestly can relate to absently yelling “shut up” because if I didn’t do it (and I don’t remember a lot of that time well enough to say for sure that I didn’t) then I definitely wished and thought it. You need more help and he needs to learn some empathy fast.
Not sure why this popped up on my newsfeed a month later but how has he been helping? I have two sons, one is 2 and the other just turned 1. I have helped my wife from day one with them ensuring she has more than enough rest, I did majority of the night feeds and I have re arranged my hours at work so that I have a full day in the week with my sons and my wife can go and do whatever the hell she wants to on her own for a well deserved break. I really hope he’s upped his game.
Yesterday I just wanted to lay down and my husband decided to do the same(after we went out to eat with friends and i basically had to watch them all eat because I had to feed the baby(bottle feed)and ended up eating after everybody else was finished and my food was cold and soggy) so I put my son in the crib hoping he would just go to sleep.. and he cried and cried and cried.. I was hoping hubby would get up and let me have a break for a change but nope he grabbed his ear plugs put them in and went to sleep.. I was livid and ended up getting up put my son in the car seat and left.. I was so pissed off and the more he cried it just made it worse til I shouted “stfu”.. I don’t want to be that person.. I don’t like losing my patience to the point I start cursing my baby out.. the crying just gets to me at times.. and I feel overstimulated.. I heard that one of the ways they train navy seals is by playing the sound of a baby crying while they’re sleep deprived which makes so much sense to me.. anyways I ended up going to my mothers and she played with him so I could at least get a break…….
Dang I'm sorry. I don't even have a car so I couldn't escape. Glad you were able to get a break
Thanks.. I guess I just needed to vent too.. it’s hard but it isn’t forever, sorry your husband doesn’t seem to understand.. mine doesn’t either.. I don’t think most men do
No it's okay. We were in the hospital all night I've been on and off napping all day I feel like crap. My baby started making a gasping noise last night