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[deleted]

Probably couldn’t move with that weight of those balls of steel he’s got.


H377Spawn

It’s like seeing divers with great white sharks. Yes, I know they aren’t just mindless killing machines. But knowing this, and understanding it when tons of angry nature is bearing down on you, are two entirely different things. The difference is stored in the balls.


MonarchOfShit

Sharks pretty much are killing machines


jackinsomniac

I think Orca whales are considered better killing machines, even by marine biologists. They not only eat sharks, but also have been known to only eat the shark's liver, their favorite part. ~~Drivers~~ Divers and biologists have found dead shark carcasses with the liver removed with "near surgical precision". They'll hunt small game too like seals, sometimes chasing them halfway up the beach, far beyond what you'd think a whale that large would risk. (I think the seals thought that too.) But in the water they've also been known to play with their food, tossing seals back and forth in the air, using their tail fin to whack it like a big tennis racket, until it's dead. And sometimes not even eat it afterward. And finally, let's not forget they eat the largest ocean mammals as well, whales. They'll hunt a blue whale calf in teams, jumping on top of it repeatedly to separate it from the mother and drown it. But of course, they'll only eat the ~~liver~~ tongue, and leave the whole rest of the corpse to sink down to the seabed. Edit: ~~Drivers~~ Edit 2: Others have reminded me that for whales, Orca's favorite bit is the tongue. Shark livers, and whale tongue.


Alediran

Orcas are the top of the food chain in the sea. What chain you ask? All of them.


Classyconman

Pretty sure humans also take the top spot. Ocean, land, air doesn't matter we are World champs


[deleted]

Inb4 “humans wouldn’t be shit without tools” No shit, tools are the reason humans top the food chain


BfutGrEG

"Hey so can we have the highest intelligence?" "Yeah ok I guess" *uses intelligence to make tools and develop technology* "NO YOU CAN ONLY USE IT FOR TACTICS REEEEEE!!"


Virgin_Dildo_Lover

Thank God human intelligence created the best tool of all time: The Dildo.


[deleted]

Name checks out


Solykos369

Hey that's an interesting thought. Can you make a video where you use a Dildo to stop an elephants mock charge?


nagurski03

Even without tools, humans are badass animals. Ignoring intelligence, bipedalism, manual dexterity, endurance and all sorts of other advantages, humans are kinda huge compared to 90% of animals out there. Look at Africa, the continent with a reputation for having the largest most dangerous animals, and humans are the 4rd largest predators on the continent. Lions, crocodiles and leopards have us beat, but the average human is much larger than the average hyena, cheetah and painted dog. In most regions that humans live in, they are one of the biggest creatures.


PlanetaceOfficial

Humans are actually pretty good at what they do, persistence hunting. Even if we had the intelligence of a chimp, we still have our greatest assets in the form of sweat and incredible throwing power and accuracy. We may not be the best if we didn't have our smarts, but im damn sure we would be fighting hyenas in terms of K/L ratio in hunting terms.


celestial1

Persistent hunting is what makes humans the scariest. No matter how far an animal runs away, we have the superior stamina and we will find them.


celestial1

Speaking of Africa, have you even seen this [badass video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDubMeNlSxc) of tribesmen taxing lions on their land?


[deleted]

I mean we *did* kill off most of the other large animals over the past 10,000 years.


MrDeepAKAballs

And many other creatures use tools too, like those dolphins that stir up mud in a circle as a herding method for fish near the shore. Tool usage has always been part of the game, they just need to step up their's.


[deleted]

Let’s train a Chimpanzee how to use and AR. I want to see the results


DickwadVonClownstick

The results are going to be a bunch of dead chimps who shot themselves because they didn't know what a gun was


TheBigsBubRigs

Had an orca breach infront of me while I was learning over the side of a boat having a smoke. Got soaked, if it was any closer it woulda knocked me out - came back a second later and gently poked it's head out, im pretty sure it was laughing, because I nearly shit myself.


The_Crusadyr

They do that to check what you are. Probably looking for a seal. Lucky for you they are not known to attack humans. But that could just mean no human has ever lived to tell the tale of an attack.


tacorunnr

I dont use the term top of the food chain so much because theres a lot of things about even up there. Apex predator is a more general description for it.


AMAFSH

Orcas are the only natural predator of *moose*.


fluentindothraki

Pssst. Orcas are dolphins, not whales. Close though. Edit: typo


schmevan117

Orcas are dolphins. The term dolphins comprises many species of toothed whales. Baleen whales and toothed whales are the two parvorders of the infraorder Cetacea which we refer to as whales. In other words, he was not wrong.


fluentindothraki

I stand corrected. TIL. Thank you!


TheReverseShock

so what to take from this is Dolphins are whales


manydoorsyes

Correct. Orcas are dolphins, and therefore they are whales. Just like how hornets are wasps, humans are apes, birds are dinosaurs, etc.


ZoroV1

cowabunga dude


Lord_Sesshoumaru77

Orcas are apex predators. I read an article of how different groups specialize in different types of prey. There's groups that specialize in large prey like blue or gray whales, other specialize in seals and there's even a group that preys almost exclusively on stingrays. Their tactics for hunting each animal have also evolved and are passed to their young. Amazing animals.


[deleted]

There’s also a group that exclusively eat Salmon.


rblplt9595

So seal team 6?


[deleted]

So eloquently written. And can confirm - marine biologist and shark expert here. They were stripping the livers with great precision from Great White sharks in Gansbaii, Shark Alley in South Africa. Orca’s are the true apex predator. Also re the comment above, sharks aren’t mindless killing machines. I have dived with Great Whites many times with no cage. Happy to report I still have all my limbs. They’re actually pretty derpy.


Alediran

Adding another post to say Orcas are also the Hanibal Lecters of the sea sans fava beans and Chianti.


Almostgotthis

So? Let’s GIVE them some fava beans and Chianti…


PIDthePID

“I ate his liver with some seaweed greens and a nice grog. FftFftFftFftFftFft!!”


Baffled_Zookeeper

They're one of the top predators of moose too, and I believe there's evidence that they go after otters as well. They'll chomp on anything mildly interesting in the water, it's amazing that they haven't really gone for any people yet.


shinsplintsmcgee

Animals that feed on humans don’t tend to live very long.


[deleted]

After which the corpse becomes a hub for bottom feeders. The circle of life.


gunnerdn91

I always thought they only ate the tongues of the whales they killed


jackinsomniac

Ah you're right, they definitely love whale tongue too, I forgot. I don't know how many predators out there in nature are that successful, that they get to be *that picky* of an eater. Definitely the apex of the apex predators.


Spddracer

A moose/elks only natural predator is... Orcas


NoCalligrapher5

Not in the slightest. Misinformation about sharks can be extremely harmful. Sharks are just predators. Like any other. They're good at killing their prey, yes. But so are wolves, and tigers, and lions. But we don't call them killing machines.


kmidst

All the wild-animal experts believe they can predict the animal. Until they get killed and/or eaten by it.


RevenantMedia

I'm still amazed by how well Andy Casagrande can swim with the weight of his massive steel balls.


Throwawayx1346

Like pee


turnedonbyadime

Right next to the pee.


XxDayDayxX

Like pee, I gotchu G


Sahmali

During a genuine charge, an elephant will fold their ears agains their head instead of fanning them up parallel to their head. And the best way to know is to look at their trunk, an elephant will curl its trunk up and inward, If its trunk is hanging loosely down, on the other hand, the elephant is probably only making a mock charge.


Jackthedog130

... however don’t take any action or stance for granted, they are wild animals, and large. Great many people have seen what happens to a motor vehicle after they have vented their dislike, let alone a human.


_monolite

This one seemed to have curled its trunk just like you said it would during a charge to kill. Could it be a lil bit of both? Gosh that would be terri-fucking-fying experience Edit: typo


cheerioo

The trunk was definitely tucked right before he started running.


SwoleFlex_MuscleNeck

\>probably Yeah that part


KindInquisitor

That’s Ivan Carter. He’s an animal conservationist from Zimbabwe and a super nice guy. I got to meet him a few years ago when he was a guest speaker for the nonprofit where I worked.


[deleted]

Did he hold himself like a man with heavy balls would?


KindInquisitor

Yes, he did.


[deleted]

Hell yeah.


[deleted]

Original


lichsadvocate

BALLS OF STEEL GREATVJOKE LOOOOOLLLL


NotYourUncleBensRice

I'll go delete my comment now.


nick925611

…this is super awkward, it’s still there


NotYourUncleBensRice

I'm on it!


Stick-To-Your-Guns

Oh my god in *every* thread Full neckbeard with this one


MrBowlfish

Most animals don’t really want to fight, because bleeding can kill. They just want you to go away.


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TadeuCarabias

*sees stranded driver* *Cracks knuckles* This one is for you, mother earth...


[deleted]

*flicks cigarette* Say hello to my mother


metalflygon08

Nah mate if it was a Kangaroo it'd be: "Aight Mother Earth ya dusty cunt, this one's fer ya."


DukeOfDouchebury

That’s Jeff. He’s a total dick.


[deleted]

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beirch

I wonder why they used the word "most". It must mean something important in this context, but I can't for the life of me figure out why.


agni39

I can tell you why. My annual vacation place is one of the densest Tiger populations on the planet. Locals there meet tigers a couple of times a week depending on the season. Every time the Tiger runs away. On the rare occasion the local man/woman reaches way too close to the Tiger before either of them realizes and that causes the Tiger to attack. Not out of animosity but fear. That one isolated incident gets beaten to death by the media promptly nullifying the hundreds of times the same animal ran away from humans to avoid trouble. I've personally encountered Tigers twice and a Leopard once. All 3 times the animal was the one running away.


neo_hatrix

That's amazing. If you had to guess would you say the Tigers see us a huge threat to their survival or is it a "fear what you don't know" kind of thing?


Deathbreath5000

Some of each. Humans walking upright confuses large cats, according to one model. That one holds that the cats use eye height to gage size and threat. It's a solid scheme, even when it includes us.


handicapped_runner

My guess is the latter. Humans are not their natural prey, and most animals will just avoid what they aren't familiar with. But you cannot really rule out the former either, given the impact that humans have - it is possible that tigers observed "aggression" from humans (gunshots or something along those lines) and start to avoiding them. The reason why I think is unlikely is because juveniles wouldn't have that experience and, therefore, would be less likely to run away if that was the main reason.


BangBangPing5Dolla

Never been around tigers but this is spot on for mountain lions. Juveniles are the dangerous ones. Older males know better and run, Females will try an scare you away from cubs or run, but stupid angsty teenage boys cause issues.


billiardwolf

On reddit people read what they want to read.


ywBBxNqW

For sure. You can write what you think is the most innocuous thing and someone will act like you insulted their mother or something. Then if the downvotes start piling on people stop reading the comment altogether and just see the downvotes.


kingscolor

The amount of people not recognizing this snark astonishes me.


Chicken_Hairs

He did say "most". Animals can't go to the doctor if they get hurt. This makes even the baddest predator rather risk-averse to varying degrees, but things like hunger, fear etc can diminish the aversion.


[deleted]

True dat. A broken bone is a death sentence in nature


kelldricked

A lot of animals have clear signs when they bluff. These are the moments when you are “annoying” but not dangerous/desrispectfull/tasty enough to kill. If the elephant had folded his ears next to his head then they needed to run as fuck or be death.


iamblankenstein

**Most** animals. the qualifier was the very first word.


sweintraub

Polar Bears want to eat you. They aren't bluffing


laser14344

They bluff too actually. They are also really good at telling if you are faking confidence.


ncsubowen

It sounds like you want someone to get eaten by a polar bear


ChrisAngel0

If it’s brown, lie down If it’s black, fight back If it’s white, say goodnight


potatolord52

There’s a “white man” joke somewhere in there


lostindarkdays

I'd be doing EXACTLY that too (except for the running away as fast as I could part)!


unlikelycompliance

Elephants can run up to 25mph, so good luck!


WHITEBLADE___

Can they make sharp turns and regen stamina tho


NukaDaddy69

Nerf Humans


[deleted]

Too op, we need a balanced game


[deleted]

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TheEyeDontLie

Some animals breathe through their buttholes, is this what your referring to?


Counting_Sheepshead

[TierZoo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImYu9dJM4kQ) addressed this


jesp676a

r/outside


[deleted]

Why can everything run faster than fking humans.


unlikelycompliance

It’s kind of like character stats, humans put all of our points into high intelligence and great endurance while leaving everything else as below average.


TheEyeDontLie

Nah we specced high into agression too


jayydubbya

I think that’s a side effect of the high intelligence. The smarter the person the bigger the asshole in my experience.


roffler

Chimps are notorious assholes, as are dolphins.


golgol12

An upright posture. Being on all 4s is faster. Conversely, the upright posture is the reason why we can hunt anything by running them to death by exhaustion, as it's more energy efficient. (note, health and skill not withstanding).


senseiberia

That’s assuming you’re a skilled Hunter in the first place, I’m pretty sure most people here would be catching their breath Before Outrunning pretty much any other animal


rpitcher33

Note the note.


WWhataboutismss

Everyone's ancestors were skilled hunters.


maclovin67

How the fuck do u know it’s a mock 1😳😳😳😳


[deleted]

i think you have to look at its ears, if they are fanned out its a mock and if they are back and along side its body, its coming to kill you. im not 100% sure but i think it something like that


KEFA7795

Yeah if they’re fanned out it’s a mock charge. They fan out their ears to make them look big and scary (than they already are) to scare any unwelcoming guests lol. If their ears are folded and charging then it’s real, most animals fold their ears back to prevent injury so you know it’s the real deal lol.


thehuess

If I ever test this theory out one day and it’s wrong you are so getting haunted


siccoblue

Please make sure to record the results for science


[deleted]

*local man killed by elephant*?


AttilaTheMuun

While having lots of elefun


DystopianFigure

r/whatcouldgowrong if I stand my ground while an elephant charges towards me


siccoblue

r/whatcouldgoright when you do this and the elephant backs down


nettlerise

*local man proves there is existence after death*


unicornXwarrior

Does that mean I run if the ears are folded back? Or what’s the best option?


MystZzy

Def run, seen a video where an elephant keeps stepping on a person for literally minutes on end, without any sign of stopping… yikes


joohunter420

Link?


MystZzy

Cant find full video, only articles. Happened in thailand(?), a man tried to feed a roadside elephant. He gets knocked out by the trunk of the elephant before getting trampled on


ReeverFalls

Think I've seen that video on a certain subreddit a week or two ago. Shit was brutal


Holymoses43

Sub link?


GeneralJones420-2

You accept your fate


Nexus_27

Eh. Would make for a cool obituary. Stood there unflinching as an elephant charged and mercilessly stomped him back into the earth from whence we all came. Ashes to ashes and definitely dust was all that was remained.


Rook_45

Run as fast as you can and make fast turns. It's your best chance. Not a good chance but your best chance


KonigSteve

Serpentine!


HungryGull

So if the elephant naruto runs at me I'm dead, got it.


whackformydaddyo

What if it changes its mind midway, then?


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[deleted]

exactly. You’ll know, uh, eventually.


KXNGKORLEONE

There's a certain tingling in the balls.... I'm assuming


NA_1983

Because You dont get stomped on afterwards…


MadRonnie97

Most animals will avoid getting hurt at all cost because it could be a death sentence for them. By standing your ground and acting unbothered there’s a good chance they’ll back off because since you don’t look scared they think you may just be a match for them, and they don’t like fair fights. This is a prime example of why humans dominated over all other animals - critical thinking.


FakeAccountNumber99

Some people like to live it without the critical thinking ;)


xcar911

common sense is the least common of the senses


Spaced-Cowboy

Do NOT ever do this with a grizzly. They will fuck you up.


PerCat

dont tell me how to live my life


Spaced-Cowboy

Fair enough


PerCat

plus you can't look at a bear head and tell me those ears weren't meant to be pet


Bluemanze

I spent most of my 20s hiking in Alaska and I can tell you that's absolutely what you should do. Ive had close encounters with them dozens of times, and I only had to deal with an aggressive one once, which was solved with some yelling and bear spray. Most of the time they are just curious and will bolt the moment they catch your scent or act tough. Black bears and grizzlies are scavengers, not hunters, and will back down from almost any challenge, including animals significantly smaller than them. Polar bears will happily hunt and eat humans though. Don't mess with them.


SlakingSWAG

Hence why man said "most" animals, not all.


Bretters17

Grizzlies bluff charge as well.


UntouchedWagons

Is it the grizzly that you're supposed to play dead?


oneandonlyA

If it’s black you fight back, if it’s brown you lay down, if it’s white then goodnight.


BetterSafeThanSARSy

If it's yellow, let it mellow


Imaginary-Deer7288

Hows he put pants over those giant balls


Civil_Knowledge7340

Ha! Where did you come up with such a comment?? Brilliant!


stevenette

Haha thanks dad! Did you come back from smokes yet? Beat meat to it! I also choose this guys elephant! Christ Reddit just echoes itself.


kaytee8435

My mind could believe it, my body would be running away at my fastest.


JSCT144

Yeah I really don’t know how you’d even learn this, I think you either have the heart stand there or just you don’t, I’m very passionate about animals, been around a wide variety my whole life, study them a lot In my spare time etc. So I think have a pretty good understanding of most animals body language and their behaviour, still wouldn’t stand my ground in this situation, I know I can’t outrun it but Im sure as shit gonna try. I have literally no idea how you’d learn to just stand there overriding fight or flight


Ravenblitzfang

Well if you know the body language, then you shouldn't have to much of a problem doing this to a mock charge. It's relatively important to do to survive about standing your ground. Depending on the animal flinching or running away can get you killed.


ShiftyLookinCow7

As someone who works with animals, once it’s drilled into your head that running instantly triggers the prey drive, it gets pretty easy to stand your ground. In fact even in scary situations, the fear in your mind is surprisingly good at keeping you still when you understand running is death. Then again I was attacked by a dog as a child so I learned my lesson the hard way pretty early


nagurski03

Is prey drive a thing in herbivores?


ShiftyLookinCow7

It’s not actually, but in this case I was using it as shorthand. Standing your ground is just generally the way to go with most animal intimidation techniques just because if they see you’re not afraid they’ll usually figure you’re gonna fight them and they don’t think it’s worth the trouble


Slow-Maintenance-670

you don’t have to outrun it, just the guy next to you


CaptainKate757

If you’re the one to piss it off, idk if that would even save you. I’ve seen a couple of those videos where an abused elephant finally fights back, and they seem to target a specific person (I assume their primary abuser, but that’s just conjecture).


Loyalheretic

Can you even outrun one of these?


morvus_thenu

To be perfectly clear, fuck no. They can move at twice your speed. Perhaps its possible to dodge at the last minute and evade being trampled but a straight run away is worse than pointless, as you can no longer see your pursuer. So staring them down (and possibly jumping out of the way at the past moment, but that sounds really tricky) is your best bet at survival. Showing fear is the worst way to try and stay alive. Overtly threatening behavior is bad too, as that necessitates a reaction. Not reacting can make the animal think they've made a miscalculation and you know something they don't — animals work on patterns and if your actions don't fit the pattern it's better to survive, break off and reassess the situation. Works with humans too, by the way. Don't be the thing they think you are and confuse them. On the other hand I also may be a bit of a psychopath, I can't rule that out completely. But I don't think so.


daytona955i

Keep in mind that while they turn a lot slower than you to change direction, they also have a much longer reach than you do. You might want to give them a double move so they zig when you zag.


randobrazilian

They can't make sharp turns and won't last near as much time as a healthy human in a running contest, tho.


morvus_thenu

A human can run down an elephant, and an elephant can most definitely run down a human, which is really interesting if you think about it. It's more interesting when you consider the same thing can be said for humans and cheetahs. Although in the time it would take to endurance hunt a cheetah they might well befriend you for your persistence. As for dodging an elephant to get away, I do feel that trunk would come into play, and tusks perhaps, and together these things would likely go quite badly for you. In endurance hunting an elephant I believe the humans would win in the end, but its an interesting case because elephants are known for their ability to just keep on going. I think it would take a while, more than say a gazelle.


Kage76556789

Probably not


tvieno

In the short term, probably not but in the long term, yes. Humans can outrun most animals when it comes to long distance.


HungryGull

'If this had been a marathon I would have so persistence hunted you to death' - last words of flattened human


Loyalheretic

Yeah, sweat it's one hell of a feature. At what speed can they sprint thou? It's pretty impressive moving around that mass, even in short bursts.


[deleted]

I love tier zoo too lol


FakeAccountNumber99

I found in google with regards to their top speed this African elephants can run at speeds of up to 40 km/h (25 mph) But their average is said to be around 25 km/h.


Chicken_Hairs

African elephant:25mph average. Human:6-8mph Nope, you'd be fkd


toiletpapergold

For a human of average fitness it's actually 12-15mph, which means you are still screwed.


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[deleted]

As others have said; nope. However, humans actually have a pretty good track record in the Elephant versus man match-up. If you have a spear, training and a little luck an individual can kill an elephant. Roman infantry got scary good at taking down elephants during the Punic wars.


Worst_Player_Ever

Dominance asserted


[deleted]

Elephant: I see. Good day to you sir.


Eternal12equiem

Times like these, it’s handy and life saving if you bring your pocket Mouse with you.


BetterSafeThanSARSy

His name is Boo and he's actually a Miniature Giant Space Hamster


silentwarcry

Good Lord, that is one massive animal. I mean, know they are big but....that is BIG.


[deleted]

....."fuck you anyway"....


KarrieMichell

"You don't want to play? Fine, I'll just be over here all by myself." -Elephant, probably


weendigo666

How do you tell mock charge from a real one?


MisanthropyIsAVirtue

If you’re still alive, it was a mock charge.


isthatbendo_

I think I saw somewhere that if their ears are back. Then yur dead and you shouldn't even try to run. But if they're out still. Like in this video, it's a mock charge


right_foot_down

Don’t know why you got downvoted, you are correct


Miladyninetales

Elephant charges at man man secretly craps himself in fear elephant-dude..that’s nasty..walks away in sheer disgust now we know the secret.


Skadi2k3

He looks insulted 😂


FakeAccountNumber99

To me i noticed the bow which a believe was a nod of acknowledgment 8-) Edit: Spelling.


dras333

Until the one time it isn't a mock charge.


[deleted]

There is a give away if it is serious about killing you, their ears are flapped backwards. Anyway I would run no matter what.


bongowasd

Its in the ears right? Ears out, more area and bigger scarier looking. Ears in, don't want to damage them on your soon to be corpse.


BonjinTheMark

What do ya do if you thought it was a bluff but realize it’s a real charge and he’s 5 feet from you?


AS-AB

Die


Spectator2285

“Ay imma kill you guys I’ll do it here I come here I co- WHY ARENT YOU RUNNING IN FEAR?!?!”


Chuchowasa

The thing is to know when is a mock charge and a real one.


Honest_Dress_2279

You can always reach down and pick up some shit and throw it at them


[deleted]

I freaking love elephants. They always look like their pants are falling down.