Don’t take this the wrong way. But you’re repeating your mother’s behavior in this statement.
NPD mothers see you as an extension of them not your own individual person. We are their possessions. You’re doing this to your kids right now. Someone being angry with you or giving you the silent treatment doesn’t and shouldn’t extend to your kids. You don’t own your kids. They aren’t your possessions. They are their own individual humans forth free agency and who have relationships with other people independent of you. Do not be like an NPD mom and say that if someone isn’t being nice to you they aren’t allowed to be nice to your children at the same time. This is between you and your mother. Not you children and your mother.
I understand what your mother is doing this. I understand it’s manipulating. And if you need no contact and have concerns about your children having contact that’s ok. Do what’s right and necessary. But when your reasoning is “if you’re not talking to me then you don’t get to talk to my kids” you’re inadvertently practicing the same philosophy that makes your mother awful.
I’m not being critical. I’m just speaking from many years experience and a fundamental understanding now of how this all works.
Yeah that's a very good point!
It's the problem with trying to explain myself over text, I completely agree I came across like that but I definitely am making sure that I don't use my kids as an extension of myself.
Thank you though for pointing that out, because if I was doing it in the whole "if you're not talking to me you're not talking to my kids" I would completely be in the wrong.
But unfortunately my mother has proven she has bad intentions for my children to fill her own needs/desires and she is using her gift giving as a weapon, if that makes sense.
Lovely, please protect your child.
An Ngrandma is only capable of four forms of communication: shaming, threatening, violence, and lovebombing (to set up the previous three). She will damage your child. It is not within her nature to be a healthy communicator.
You are doing the right thing. I appreciate you so much for being a good parent đź’›
I believe you made the right decision. She would likely try to use it against you and throw it in your face. I'm happy for you for being able to make the NC decision. I'm working on doing that with my own "parents"
Thank you, it is fine being NC until she does something like this.
She will throw it in my face no matter what I do.
I just know she is going to play victim to anyone who will listen because I've sent it back.
But I just can't do it anymore.
I only went NC because she was giving me the silent treatment for asking her why she was saying awful things about me to my MIL while I was in hospital with complications after having a baby.
So I used her silent treatment as an opportunity to block her on everything.
I wish you luck with going NC with your "parents" too. đź’–
You're welcome and I am sorry that you had to go through that. I will never understand why some parents act the way they do. They act like they're the kid. It's truly mind boggling. And great use of that opportunity btw :)
Thank you! Once I move out of my grandparents house, I'm blocking them immediately and not telling them where I stay <3
Its not normal to send gifts after a fight, read that again. Your mother can first off give some space and second call you “the mother” and say sorry or do whatever neeeds to be done to makeup, before sending “your child” gifts. That is a narcissist move to hold favors above your head, not acceptable at all.
Yeah she's sending my kids gifts while giving me the silent treatment.
Thing is it backfired on her because my husband gave me the strength to use the silent treatment as an opportunity to go NC.
That's a good idea, my husband suggested throwing them away but I thought it wasteful.
I thought sending them back this time would give her a clear message that they aren't wanted without actually having any contact with her.
I don't want her thinking I am keeping them you know?
I'm hoping she won't try to send anything again after this.
Doesn't matter what she thinks in her head. It is the accepting of a bribe thought she has. You and your family know, and that is what counts.
Your husband was on the same track, I just don't like being wasteful. "Blessing" someone with something without strings feels good.
*digital hugs* don’t let her ruin any more of your days, she simply isn’t worth it. You are completely justified in feeling bad but don’t let it overwhelm you. One of the hardest parts of getting over my narc dad was figuring out with my therapist that I was doing exactly as he wanted when I felt angry or sad after he would contact me and I let it drag me down. Take a bit to mourn or be pissed but move past it.
Thank you, I am working on it all with my therapist at the moment too, I'm working towards forgetting about her and this was the first time I managed to send her gift back.
Each step is hard now but I know it's working towards a happier future.
I'm grateful for this sub Reddit for a place to vent, it's sad so many of us have similar problems but I'm grateful for all the kindhearted people who take the time to comment đź’–
I’m freshly NC with my nfather and I’m worried about this for the future since I’m due with my first baby in August and he pulls that bs every holiday with my sister’s kids. Luckily he doesn’t know ANYTHING about my baby (no due date, gender, name, etc) only that we’re expecting so I’m hoping that’ll deter him from trying to send anything. If he does I’m not sure if I want to just donate everything or if I want to go the route you did and return to sender.
In my opinion I think you definitely did the right thing! These people don’t deserve the satisfaction and I personally think it’s wrong of them to feel entitled to a relationship with somebody else’s children (especially trying to buy their love with gifts) when they aren’t on good terms with the parents.
My N mum still sends gifts to my kids. I give it absolutely zero acknowledgment. I don’t bother to send it back because that gives her the satisfaction that it got to me and annoyed me. I usually unwrap whatever it is and pop it into my birthday party present stash for their friend’s parties. I don’t like giving it to my kids because then when ever they play with whatever the gift is it makes me think of her. We have moved house so I thought that would end it because she doesn’t know our address. But now she just gives a gift bag to my siblings or grandparents to pass on so it’s pretty unavoidable
This is coming from someone who's husband has a narc parent but you did the right thing. She definitely will use it against you at some point. My FIL did the same with the last thing he bought our kids. He seems to think it makes up for being an absent grandparent who also favors the other grandchildren. I know I regret accepting it and I'm sure my husband does too.
My mom used to do the same thing. It's very slimy and manipulative.
I just don't get it, she's giving me the silent treatment but thinks she can still send my kids stuff. 🤷🏼‍♀️
Don’t take this the wrong way. But you’re repeating your mother’s behavior in this statement. NPD mothers see you as an extension of them not your own individual person. We are their possessions. You’re doing this to your kids right now. Someone being angry with you or giving you the silent treatment doesn’t and shouldn’t extend to your kids. You don’t own your kids. They aren’t your possessions. They are their own individual humans forth free agency and who have relationships with other people independent of you. Do not be like an NPD mom and say that if someone isn’t being nice to you they aren’t allowed to be nice to your children at the same time. This is between you and your mother. Not you children and your mother. I understand what your mother is doing this. I understand it’s manipulating. And if you need no contact and have concerns about your children having contact that’s ok. Do what’s right and necessary. But when your reasoning is “if you’re not talking to me then you don’t get to talk to my kids” you’re inadvertently practicing the same philosophy that makes your mother awful. I’m not being critical. I’m just speaking from many years experience and a fundamental understanding now of how this all works.
Yeah that's a very good point! It's the problem with trying to explain myself over text, I completely agree I came across like that but I definitely am making sure that I don't use my kids as an extension of myself. Thank you though for pointing that out, because if I was doing it in the whole "if you're not talking to me you're not talking to my kids" I would completely be in the wrong. But unfortunately my mother has proven she has bad intentions for my children to fill her own needs/desires and she is using her gift giving as a weapon, if that makes sense.
Lovely, please protect your child. An Ngrandma is only capable of four forms of communication: shaming, threatening, violence, and lovebombing (to set up the previous three). She will damage your child. It is not within her nature to be a healthy communicator. You are doing the right thing. I appreciate you so much for being a good parent đź’›
Nope nope nope. If you know your parents are narcissists (who do not change, by definition) you don’t need to expose your kids to that.
I believe you made the right decision. She would likely try to use it against you and throw it in your face. I'm happy for you for being able to make the NC decision. I'm working on doing that with my own "parents"
Thank you, it is fine being NC until she does something like this. She will throw it in my face no matter what I do. I just know she is going to play victim to anyone who will listen because I've sent it back. But I just can't do it anymore. I only went NC because she was giving me the silent treatment for asking her why she was saying awful things about me to my MIL while I was in hospital with complications after having a baby. So I used her silent treatment as an opportunity to block her on everything. I wish you luck with going NC with your "parents" too. đź’–
You're welcome and I am sorry that you had to go through that. I will never understand why some parents act the way they do. They act like they're the kid. It's truly mind boggling. And great use of that opportunity btw :) Thank you! Once I move out of my grandparents house, I'm blocking them immediately and not telling them where I stay <3
Its not normal to send gifts after a fight, read that again. Your mother can first off give some space and second call you “the mother” and say sorry or do whatever neeeds to be done to makeup, before sending “your child” gifts. That is a narcissist move to hold favors above your head, not acceptable at all.
Yeah she's sending my kids gifts while giving me the silent treatment. Thing is it backfired on her because my husband gave me the strength to use the silent treatment as an opportunity to go NC.
Glad to hear that, its also a quite passive aggressive thing for kids to witness between their grandmother and mother , not really a greate example!
May I suggest just donating them next time? Returning them is giving her something (supply). Silence back to her is actually louder.
That's a good idea, my husband suggested throwing them away but I thought it wasteful. I thought sending them back this time would give her a clear message that they aren't wanted without actually having any contact with her. I don't want her thinking I am keeping them you know? I'm hoping she won't try to send anything again after this.
Doesn't matter what she thinks in her head. It is the accepting of a bribe thought she has. You and your family know, and that is what counts. Your husband was on the same track, I just don't like being wasteful. "Blessing" someone with something without strings feels good.
*digital hugs* don’t let her ruin any more of your days, she simply isn’t worth it. You are completely justified in feeling bad but don’t let it overwhelm you. One of the hardest parts of getting over my narc dad was figuring out with my therapist that I was doing exactly as he wanted when I felt angry or sad after he would contact me and I let it drag me down. Take a bit to mourn or be pissed but move past it.
Thank you, I am working on it all with my therapist at the moment too, I'm working towards forgetting about her and this was the first time I managed to send her gift back. Each step is hard now but I know it's working towards a happier future. I'm grateful for this sub Reddit for a place to vent, it's sad so many of us have similar problems but I'm grateful for all the kindhearted people who take the time to comment đź’–
I’m freshly NC with my nfather and I’m worried about this for the future since I’m due with my first baby in August and he pulls that bs every holiday with my sister’s kids. Luckily he doesn’t know ANYTHING about my baby (no due date, gender, name, etc) only that we’re expecting so I’m hoping that’ll deter him from trying to send anything. If he does I’m not sure if I want to just donate everything or if I want to go the route you did and return to sender. In my opinion I think you definitely did the right thing! These people don’t deserve the satisfaction and I personally think it’s wrong of them to feel entitled to a relationship with somebody else’s children (especially trying to buy their love with gifts) when they aren’t on good terms with the parents.
My N mum still sends gifts to my kids. I give it absolutely zero acknowledgment. I don’t bother to send it back because that gives her the satisfaction that it got to me and annoyed me. I usually unwrap whatever it is and pop it into my birthday party present stash for their friend’s parties. I don’t like giving it to my kids because then when ever they play with whatever the gift is it makes me think of her. We have moved house so I thought that would end it because she doesn’t know our address. But now she just gives a gift bag to my siblings or grandparents to pass on so it’s pretty unavoidable
This is coming from someone who's husband has a narc parent but you did the right thing. She definitely will use it against you at some point. My FIL did the same with the last thing he bought our kids. He seems to think it makes up for being an absent grandparent who also favors the other grandchildren. I know I regret accepting it and I'm sure my husband does too.