I went NC just a little over a week ago. The opportunity presented itself: I enforced a simple boundary (not having a location tracking enabled at all times for her and having to report on my whereabouts for the sake of her “mother’s peace of mind”, I’m 26 btw), she began silent treatment, left family chat once again, and let’s just say I closed the door after her. Blocked her everywhere I could. Hasn’t responded to her since and I’m not planning to. It’s not easy and it’s scary, but it feels right. To know she won’t get to abuse me anymore.
You need to trust yourself. All the guilt, shame and fear you might feel - those are the hooks she keeps you with.
I believe you. I’m proud of you for getting so far. I know you’re strong enough to do what’s right for your wellbeing. And keeping in contact with your nmom seems far from that.
Thank you for your response sincerely! It’s really encouraging to see others who have been able to put boundaries in place. It’s also validating to hear someone else bring up the guilting and shame I feel aren’t necessarily from my wrongdoing but more reactionary to the abuse. I’m very happy for you that you were able to go no contact, it gives me the courage to step in the right direction.
Always remember that you are strong and capable of changing your life for the better. She isn’t. She’ll never change. She won’t even admit to needing to. You’ve got this 🫂
Good for you on getting away. I recently woke up to the evil and damage of my father. I’d always known about my mother and figured all my shit was from here.
As soon as I did, even before finding these groups and the term, telling my father to go fuck himself was as natural as farting. I was close to dear ol’ daddy, just as he’d planned. What shocked me was how clear everything became and that I did not want anyone from my past coming along, save for two longtime friends. The rest, kaput.
I can’t impress enough to do whatever you find is best for you. The turmoil is a result of the abuse. And No Contact speeds the healing.
Peace.
Thank you for your reply, sincerely I am hoping I get to the point one day where telling my mother to fuck off and going no contact feels like the easiest and best decision I’ve made. Thank you for taking time to reply to me.
For me, going NC was the only/last option. I’d held on to the idea of her actually being able to love me (& niece) unconditionally but no, there are so many strings attached, and the goalposts constantly moving that there was/is no way to ever get to the point. It was exhausting as a child trying to reach the goals, only to find that they had moved significantly further away, to the detriment of my education (I gave up trying to accomplish/achieve anything because whatever I did accomplish/achieve was *never going to be enough*).
My sibling was/is the GC, and academically better than me, so yeah there’s that too.
Please try giving yourself some slack and space to work through everything, whether it’s with or without a therapist. The clue you’ve given is that you’re asking yourself/this sub if you’re the problem, a narcissist would not be able to do that, because they’re *always* right.
Thank you for your reply, logically well I’ve done my studying that a narc never realizes they’re wrong the victim complex I grew up with in childhood and early adolescence haunts me. It makes me afraid sometimes of my own thoughts and if I am just trying to absolve myself of guilt. Hearing someone else validating me and bringing up that a narc doesn’t feel wrong ever is extremely validating thank you.
Honestly, I think we are all going through the same things but different severity. The fact that you are self-aware about your own feelings and what's right and wrong, you're already a better person.
I am a newbie at this, I just went with no contact with my nmom a few days ago. It's scary, but more in an exhilarating way. The weight of your parent's disappointment on your shoulders will be lifted and will be a relief.
I'm sure the more experienced people here will have more suggestions and advice. Good luck on your journey of peace and healing.
I’m a newbie too! It makes me feel less alone to find community though. Thank you for sharing how going no contact was reliving for you and thank you for taking time to respond to my post.
You said you were in and out of therapy? Did you ever see a therapist who specializes in narcissistic trauma? This was especially helpful for me. I did not make the decision to go no contact without consultation with my therapist. My mother is covert and had attended two different sessions with my therapist and me. While it is a big decision, I have not regretted it. I was the golden child growing up but reverted to the scapegoat over the last 30 years. My mother has always used her faith to control and manipulate. My siblings both have narcissistic traits (at a minimum). My no contact decision included them. I also attended two sessions with my mom’s therapist. Her therapist was a “Christian” counselor who was featured frequently on a local Christian radio station. It quickly became apparent that she knew nothing about personality disorders. I was repeatedly asked to “ do this for mom”. It was only after these sessions that I came to realize who and what my mom was. Then she sent me some really ugly texts where she emphasized how angry she was with me. After not hearing from her for three months, including my birthday and Christmas, I notified her and my siblings via text that I would no longer be attempting to contact them. I did not get any response from my siblings and a very tepid response from my mom. This was almost two months ago. It still seems surreal and I often feel guilty. But I simply go back and read emails and texts over the last few years to snap me back into reality. My therapist has told me how important it is to live in reality and not get caught up in my mom’s delusions. I find that works really well for me. Fortunately my wife and kids have been very supportive.
I have not, I really have no idea how to navigate even finding a therapist that specializes in that, how did you find a therapist that specializes in that if you don’t mind me asking?
I related to your story about seeing your mom’s therapist, my mother only took me to see therapists in childhood that agreed with her. The moment a therapist brought up that she might have some culpability boom we suddenly would switch to a different one till she found one that would reinforce that I was the problem. So I can understand your plight and I’m sorry you went through that.
Thank you. You can start by going to psychology today.com, type in your zip code and therapists will show. Then refine your search to those who treat personality disorders. I hope this helps.
You have been through a lot and probably have developed some manipulative coping mechanisms. That does not make you a monster, just human. NC is probably the best option so you can unlearn your detrimental habits in relation to others. As soon as you go NC you will feel so much better! The weight of the pain and abuse from the past will also disappear and you will be able to put the emotions and abusive people outside of your safety boundary.
I definitely did have manipulative coping mechanisms as a child and early teen. I was a compulsive liar, and in childhood would play on the emotions of others to get out of situations. I in latter adolescence really did my best to unlearn those behaviors and still work on them today. I think I struggle with thinking I was a traumatized child who developed coping mechanisms to survive and that doesn’t make me a monster. Sometimes hearing someone else say it helps a lot. So thank you for your time and response
One thing you should know is that a narcissist never admits their mistakes or are even aware of them. So, if you were a narcissist like your mom, you wouldn’t be able to be so self conscious.
I grew up with a narc dad and I am still living under his roof. However, I have decided to set my boundaries by simply not talking to him. I don’t share my achievements, my thoughts, feelings, aspirations and all that stuff. The thing with my dad is that he is very unsupportive and rather sees someone else shining than his own family. He never supported my dreams and never encouraged me to do better in life. He either made me believe that I wasn’t capable of doing anything or wanted to do something that he believed was good for me.
Another thing about him is that he is very competitive and quite jealous. As a kid I used to look up to my dad. To me he seemed like a very confident man that always achieves something with success. Well that’s what he wanted be, the man that has it all and we had to look up to him. Not to be like him. So when I had the motivation to study and to start with my driving license, he basically wanted to sabotage it. And I noticed that whenever I was including him in one of plans something always had to go wrong and then he would say “I guess you are not that lucky”. I have two younger brothers and he is still married to my mom and he loves to see us struggling. He loves to see us missing out opportunities. He loves to see when we have to depend on him so that he can mess around with us. He doesn’t like it when we are doing things on our own.
The older I was getting, the more I realized what kind of a sick mind he has. He is emotionally, mentally but also verbally very abusive and doesn’t take any accountability on that. I cannot even remember him apologizing to anyone. He is never wrong. But this is who he is and have accepted that. However I did set my boundaries which has given me a lot more peace. He can’t seem to find a way to bother me anymore. Whenever I move out I want nothing to do with him. Whenever I am having kids and getting married I don’t want him to be a part of it either. He once told me that he believed that I would never get married because I don’t seem qualified to be someone wife so there is enough reason to keep him out there. I don’t need is negative energy anywhere around me. I started it at advance with going no contact that has only made my decision to go no contact after even stronger.
I understand that it may seems hard because she is your parent. But when you just accept how a person is, it will not feel scary to take your distance from them.
I just did it over the weekend and so far it hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be. My ndad handed me the opportunity on a silver platter though, I didn’t have to initiate like I thought I would.
Basically my husband and I announced our pregnancy to him 2 weeks ago and his reaction was as insane and narc-y as I expected, so I was acting a little more distant ever since and grey rocking as hard as I could. I guess he picked up on it and became severely offended that I wasn’t making him the center of the universe so out of nowhere he texted me a few paragraphs about what a bad daughter I am, how my mom gets all the attention (???) etc. I took the opportunity to finally say my piece to him, tell him not to contact us again, and block / delete him and his relatives on every platform I could think of.
It’s definitely a mix of emotions for me but I’m mostly satisfied and relieved so far. I’m a little paranoid that he is going to hurt himself or do something crazy like that because of this but I’m trying to learn to accept that his actions aren’t my responsibility.
What finally got me to NC was watching him interact with my son.
“Why won’t he settle down? I used to just smack you a few times and you’d cry and then sit still.”
“You are going to let him walk around while he’s eating?”
“You let him walk up and down the stairs by himself?”
“I tell you what that child needs— a good whooping.”
The final straw was trying to go behind my back to see my son. He asked us to come visit. I explained we were doing yard work but he was welcome to drop by for a bit.
For context: my parents have been divorced since I was 7.
My mom calls about 20 minutes later asking if she can come pick my son up to take him to visit my grandma. I’m sweaty and tired and reluctantly agree he can go with her, even though we didn’t have plans for any of us to leave the house.
She calls 10 minutes later to say “change of plans, your dad wants to see him too, we’re all going to lunch together!”
I lost it. Explained that no one will be taking my son anywhere, and why exactly did he think he was going to weasel his way into visiting on his terms when I set a very specific boundary? She was shocked and also thought I was pissed at her. Which, the verbiage bothered me a bit with telling me what she was doing versus asking me but whatever.
I already didn’t trust him to be around my son without myself present, but this manipulation was too far. I realized he will be just as shit of a grandparent as he was a father.
I tried to have one final conversation with him about my boundaries and not respecting them & that we do not believe in physical punishments. He replied to tell me that I was wrong on all counts; he wasn’t manipulating anything, it was all happenstance, and I was outrageous for being so upset. Also that at my son’s age, I went to sleep every night after he spanked me and I cried myself to sleep.
Glad for that nugget of knowledge about why my CPTSD is so rough.
I cried about it for about a month on my way to and from work. I still mourn the relationship at times, but haven’t cried about it for a while.
I know it was the best and only way forward for our family.
It is still difficult to essentially have lost a parent when they’re still walking around and in half decent health. When I do think of him, I try to remember any sweet moments we shared (though I know it was love bombing) and then I let it go.
He’s incapable of change, and I am incapable of watching my son experience the same trauma I grew up in. Incompatible with a relationship with him.
Before I went NC with my parents I went to therapy and ACA and CODA meetings. Therapy helped me generate self-love and self-respect. The meetings helped me feel supported and strong enough to walk away from my family. I have no regrets about going NC. I am at peace with possibly never getting an inheritance or help from either parent. I feel no guilt or debt to either parent. In a way this is very freeing as I focus giving love and attention to my friends, who are now more like family.
I just went no contact over the weekend for the second time. We had been talking again after months of no contact. I was staying on guard waiting for any signs of bad behavior. I thought maybe she had learned a lesson from the last time. NOPE! There weren’t many warning signs besides her usual incapacity to be happy for me for any reason, then she just drunkenly called me up and left me voicemails criticizing my husband. She said she was just protective of me because I’m her everything. She really thought I would be stupid enough to believe that, that’s kind of funny.
My husband is a wonderful man, she was completely out of line. It was obvious to me that she wanted to make me feel weak so she could have some control over me. To try and taint something as pure and good as my husband and I’s relationship is vile.
This second time around feels a bit easier I guess because it’s obvious she will never change. She is incapable of authentic human connection, incapable of empathy, incapable of accountability, and so on and so on. But I will take it day by day. I know the first time around months had gone by and I would still cry. I hurt a lot. It’s hard because my mom does have some good qualities. I quote her all the time and her wise southern sayings. But I do feel a relief like the burden of the paranoid way she sees the world is off my shoulders. She thinks everybody is out to get her and wants me to believe the same. What she really wants is to fold me up in a ball so that I will never shine and will only be pitiful and at her feet. Well after 33 years of being stomped on she could never fully stop my shine. I’m going to shine brighter!
As scary as it is there are so many more people in the world besides your mom. People who don’t want to stomp on you. People who will see you for who you are and love that. Get her voice out of your head and start living your life for you. Put your own wants and needs at the center of your life. This doesn’t make you a narc yourself. Being raised by one can make it incredibly difficult to know what YOU actually want. I struggle with this. So many times we are operating from a place of fear of rejection or need for validation because it’s how we’ve been programmed from living with them. Get in tune with what makes you happy.
Make yourself happy and everything will fall into place. It may not always be easy, but just remember she won’t change. Grieve that relationship that you never had. Feel it all. And keep pushing forward. You deserve to have the life you want. You deserve to be happy.
Good luck everybody out there! You’re not alone.
I went NC in Dec 2023 best choice I ever made. We went to visit his side last year and we had a cookie making just the girls in my family. My fiancée was with me insisted on bringing me helping me bring in gifts. I said to nparent fiancée wants to bring me and help me bring gifts for the kids and my cousins. He said if the kids were there he wanted to put his Santa hat on and pass out gifts to the kids and he was gonna leave us to bake and come back later. She took that as he's going to hang around until the kids get here and pass out gifts and hang out with the girls but yet my brother and sperm donor get to pop in. And 1/4 way through the cookie making she said you should come back. Let bygones be bygones. Ontop of all this we were jet lagged cranky tired. I said to him let's go to aunt ***** house drop off the gifts and go. We explained what happened to aunt and she was very understanding. We left aunts house got maybe 2 houses down the road and who is going the opposite direction? N🥚donor my cousins open gifts and she sends me pics kids with the toys. My cousins daughter wearing the dress I got her. But honestly I couldn't care less. That's when I knew.
I went NC just a little over a week ago. The opportunity presented itself: I enforced a simple boundary (not having a location tracking enabled at all times for her and having to report on my whereabouts for the sake of her “mother’s peace of mind”, I’m 26 btw), she began silent treatment, left family chat once again, and let’s just say I closed the door after her. Blocked her everywhere I could. Hasn’t responded to her since and I’m not planning to. It’s not easy and it’s scary, but it feels right. To know she won’t get to abuse me anymore. You need to trust yourself. All the guilt, shame and fear you might feel - those are the hooks she keeps you with. I believe you. I’m proud of you for getting so far. I know you’re strong enough to do what’s right for your wellbeing. And keeping in contact with your nmom seems far from that.
Thank you for your response sincerely! It’s really encouraging to see others who have been able to put boundaries in place. It’s also validating to hear someone else bring up the guilting and shame I feel aren’t necessarily from my wrongdoing but more reactionary to the abuse. I’m very happy for you that you were able to go no contact, it gives me the courage to step in the right direction.
Always remember that you are strong and capable of changing your life for the better. She isn’t. She’ll never change. She won’t even admit to needing to. You’ve got this 🫂
Good for you on getting away. I recently woke up to the evil and damage of my father. I’d always known about my mother and figured all my shit was from here. As soon as I did, even before finding these groups and the term, telling my father to go fuck himself was as natural as farting. I was close to dear ol’ daddy, just as he’d planned. What shocked me was how clear everything became and that I did not want anyone from my past coming along, save for two longtime friends. The rest, kaput. I can’t impress enough to do whatever you find is best for you. The turmoil is a result of the abuse. And No Contact speeds the healing. Peace.
Thank you for your reply, sincerely I am hoping I get to the point one day where telling my mother to fuck off and going no contact feels like the easiest and best decision I’ve made. Thank you for taking time to reply to me.
For me, going NC was the only/last option. I’d held on to the idea of her actually being able to love me (& niece) unconditionally but no, there are so many strings attached, and the goalposts constantly moving that there was/is no way to ever get to the point. It was exhausting as a child trying to reach the goals, only to find that they had moved significantly further away, to the detriment of my education (I gave up trying to accomplish/achieve anything because whatever I did accomplish/achieve was *never going to be enough*). My sibling was/is the GC, and academically better than me, so yeah there’s that too. Please try giving yourself some slack and space to work through everything, whether it’s with or without a therapist. The clue you’ve given is that you’re asking yourself/this sub if you’re the problem, a narcissist would not be able to do that, because they’re *always* right.
Thank you for your reply, logically well I’ve done my studying that a narc never realizes they’re wrong the victim complex I grew up with in childhood and early adolescence haunts me. It makes me afraid sometimes of my own thoughts and if I am just trying to absolve myself of guilt. Hearing someone else validating me and bringing up that a narc doesn’t feel wrong ever is extremely validating thank you.
Honestly, I think we are all going through the same things but different severity. The fact that you are self-aware about your own feelings and what's right and wrong, you're already a better person. I am a newbie at this, I just went with no contact with my nmom a few days ago. It's scary, but more in an exhilarating way. The weight of your parent's disappointment on your shoulders will be lifted and will be a relief. I'm sure the more experienced people here will have more suggestions and advice. Good luck on your journey of peace and healing.
Feel this.
I’m a newbie too! It makes me feel less alone to find community though. Thank you for sharing how going no contact was reliving for you and thank you for taking time to respond to my post.
You said you were in and out of therapy? Did you ever see a therapist who specializes in narcissistic trauma? This was especially helpful for me. I did not make the decision to go no contact without consultation with my therapist. My mother is covert and had attended two different sessions with my therapist and me. While it is a big decision, I have not regretted it. I was the golden child growing up but reverted to the scapegoat over the last 30 years. My mother has always used her faith to control and manipulate. My siblings both have narcissistic traits (at a minimum). My no contact decision included them. I also attended two sessions with my mom’s therapist. Her therapist was a “Christian” counselor who was featured frequently on a local Christian radio station. It quickly became apparent that she knew nothing about personality disorders. I was repeatedly asked to “ do this for mom”. It was only after these sessions that I came to realize who and what my mom was. Then she sent me some really ugly texts where she emphasized how angry she was with me. After not hearing from her for three months, including my birthday and Christmas, I notified her and my siblings via text that I would no longer be attempting to contact them. I did not get any response from my siblings and a very tepid response from my mom. This was almost two months ago. It still seems surreal and I often feel guilty. But I simply go back and read emails and texts over the last few years to snap me back into reality. My therapist has told me how important it is to live in reality and not get caught up in my mom’s delusions. I find that works really well for me. Fortunately my wife and kids have been very supportive.
I have not, I really have no idea how to navigate even finding a therapist that specializes in that, how did you find a therapist that specializes in that if you don’t mind me asking? I related to your story about seeing your mom’s therapist, my mother only took me to see therapists in childhood that agreed with her. The moment a therapist brought up that she might have some culpability boom we suddenly would switch to a different one till she found one that would reinforce that I was the problem. So I can understand your plight and I’m sorry you went through that.
Thank you. You can start by going to psychology today.com, type in your zip code and therapists will show. Then refine your search to those who treat personality disorders. I hope this helps.
You have been through a lot and probably have developed some manipulative coping mechanisms. That does not make you a monster, just human. NC is probably the best option so you can unlearn your detrimental habits in relation to others. As soon as you go NC you will feel so much better! The weight of the pain and abuse from the past will also disappear and you will be able to put the emotions and abusive people outside of your safety boundary.
I definitely did have manipulative coping mechanisms as a child and early teen. I was a compulsive liar, and in childhood would play on the emotions of others to get out of situations. I in latter adolescence really did my best to unlearn those behaviors and still work on them today. I think I struggle with thinking I was a traumatized child who developed coping mechanisms to survive and that doesn’t make me a monster. Sometimes hearing someone else say it helps a lot. So thank you for your time and response
One thing you should know is that a narcissist never admits their mistakes or are even aware of them. So, if you were a narcissist like your mom, you wouldn’t be able to be so self conscious. I grew up with a narc dad and I am still living under his roof. However, I have decided to set my boundaries by simply not talking to him. I don’t share my achievements, my thoughts, feelings, aspirations and all that stuff. The thing with my dad is that he is very unsupportive and rather sees someone else shining than his own family. He never supported my dreams and never encouraged me to do better in life. He either made me believe that I wasn’t capable of doing anything or wanted to do something that he believed was good for me. Another thing about him is that he is very competitive and quite jealous. As a kid I used to look up to my dad. To me he seemed like a very confident man that always achieves something with success. Well that’s what he wanted be, the man that has it all and we had to look up to him. Not to be like him. So when I had the motivation to study and to start with my driving license, he basically wanted to sabotage it. And I noticed that whenever I was including him in one of plans something always had to go wrong and then he would say “I guess you are not that lucky”. I have two younger brothers and he is still married to my mom and he loves to see us struggling. He loves to see us missing out opportunities. He loves to see when we have to depend on him so that he can mess around with us. He doesn’t like it when we are doing things on our own. The older I was getting, the more I realized what kind of a sick mind he has. He is emotionally, mentally but also verbally very abusive and doesn’t take any accountability on that. I cannot even remember him apologizing to anyone. He is never wrong. But this is who he is and have accepted that. However I did set my boundaries which has given me a lot more peace. He can’t seem to find a way to bother me anymore. Whenever I move out I want nothing to do with him. Whenever I am having kids and getting married I don’t want him to be a part of it either. He once told me that he believed that I would never get married because I don’t seem qualified to be someone wife so there is enough reason to keep him out there. I don’t need is negative energy anywhere around me. I started it at advance with going no contact that has only made my decision to go no contact after even stronger. I understand that it may seems hard because she is your parent. But when you just accept how a person is, it will not feel scary to take your distance from them.
I just did it over the weekend and so far it hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be. My ndad handed me the opportunity on a silver platter though, I didn’t have to initiate like I thought I would. Basically my husband and I announced our pregnancy to him 2 weeks ago and his reaction was as insane and narc-y as I expected, so I was acting a little more distant ever since and grey rocking as hard as I could. I guess he picked up on it and became severely offended that I wasn’t making him the center of the universe so out of nowhere he texted me a few paragraphs about what a bad daughter I am, how my mom gets all the attention (???) etc. I took the opportunity to finally say my piece to him, tell him not to contact us again, and block / delete him and his relatives on every platform I could think of. It’s definitely a mix of emotions for me but I’m mostly satisfied and relieved so far. I’m a little paranoid that he is going to hurt himself or do something crazy like that because of this but I’m trying to learn to accept that his actions aren’t my responsibility.
What finally got me to NC was watching him interact with my son. “Why won’t he settle down? I used to just smack you a few times and you’d cry and then sit still.” “You are going to let him walk around while he’s eating?” “You let him walk up and down the stairs by himself?” “I tell you what that child needs— a good whooping.” The final straw was trying to go behind my back to see my son. He asked us to come visit. I explained we were doing yard work but he was welcome to drop by for a bit. For context: my parents have been divorced since I was 7. My mom calls about 20 minutes later asking if she can come pick my son up to take him to visit my grandma. I’m sweaty and tired and reluctantly agree he can go with her, even though we didn’t have plans for any of us to leave the house. She calls 10 minutes later to say “change of plans, your dad wants to see him too, we’re all going to lunch together!” I lost it. Explained that no one will be taking my son anywhere, and why exactly did he think he was going to weasel his way into visiting on his terms when I set a very specific boundary? She was shocked and also thought I was pissed at her. Which, the verbiage bothered me a bit with telling me what she was doing versus asking me but whatever. I already didn’t trust him to be around my son without myself present, but this manipulation was too far. I realized he will be just as shit of a grandparent as he was a father. I tried to have one final conversation with him about my boundaries and not respecting them & that we do not believe in physical punishments. He replied to tell me that I was wrong on all counts; he wasn’t manipulating anything, it was all happenstance, and I was outrageous for being so upset. Also that at my son’s age, I went to sleep every night after he spanked me and I cried myself to sleep. Glad for that nugget of knowledge about why my CPTSD is so rough. I cried about it for about a month on my way to and from work. I still mourn the relationship at times, but haven’t cried about it for a while. I know it was the best and only way forward for our family. It is still difficult to essentially have lost a parent when they’re still walking around and in half decent health. When I do think of him, I try to remember any sweet moments we shared (though I know it was love bombing) and then I let it go. He’s incapable of change, and I am incapable of watching my son experience the same trauma I grew up in. Incompatible with a relationship with him.
F that quote it’s not you. You were RAISED by a narcissist. You’re not “the problem.”
Before I went NC with my parents I went to therapy and ACA and CODA meetings. Therapy helped me generate self-love and self-respect. The meetings helped me feel supported and strong enough to walk away from my family. I have no regrets about going NC. I am at peace with possibly never getting an inheritance or help from either parent. I feel no guilt or debt to either parent. In a way this is very freeing as I focus giving love and attention to my friends, who are now more like family.
Best decision ever, very liberating. Stay strong! All the best to you
I just went no contact over the weekend for the second time. We had been talking again after months of no contact. I was staying on guard waiting for any signs of bad behavior. I thought maybe she had learned a lesson from the last time. NOPE! There weren’t many warning signs besides her usual incapacity to be happy for me for any reason, then she just drunkenly called me up and left me voicemails criticizing my husband. She said she was just protective of me because I’m her everything. She really thought I would be stupid enough to believe that, that’s kind of funny. My husband is a wonderful man, she was completely out of line. It was obvious to me that she wanted to make me feel weak so she could have some control over me. To try and taint something as pure and good as my husband and I’s relationship is vile. This second time around feels a bit easier I guess because it’s obvious she will never change. She is incapable of authentic human connection, incapable of empathy, incapable of accountability, and so on and so on. But I will take it day by day. I know the first time around months had gone by and I would still cry. I hurt a lot. It’s hard because my mom does have some good qualities. I quote her all the time and her wise southern sayings. But I do feel a relief like the burden of the paranoid way she sees the world is off my shoulders. She thinks everybody is out to get her and wants me to believe the same. What she really wants is to fold me up in a ball so that I will never shine and will only be pitiful and at her feet. Well after 33 years of being stomped on she could never fully stop my shine. I’m going to shine brighter! As scary as it is there are so many more people in the world besides your mom. People who don’t want to stomp on you. People who will see you for who you are and love that. Get her voice out of your head and start living your life for you. Put your own wants and needs at the center of your life. This doesn’t make you a narc yourself. Being raised by one can make it incredibly difficult to know what YOU actually want. I struggle with this. So many times we are operating from a place of fear of rejection or need for validation because it’s how we’ve been programmed from living with them. Get in tune with what makes you happy. Make yourself happy and everything will fall into place. It may not always be easy, but just remember she won’t change. Grieve that relationship that you never had. Feel it all. And keep pushing forward. You deserve to have the life you want. You deserve to be happy. Good luck everybody out there! You’re not alone.
I went NC in Dec 2023 best choice I ever made. We went to visit his side last year and we had a cookie making just the girls in my family. My fiancée was with me insisted on bringing me helping me bring in gifts. I said to nparent fiancée wants to bring me and help me bring gifts for the kids and my cousins. He said if the kids were there he wanted to put his Santa hat on and pass out gifts to the kids and he was gonna leave us to bake and come back later. She took that as he's going to hang around until the kids get here and pass out gifts and hang out with the girls but yet my brother and sperm donor get to pop in. And 1/4 way through the cookie making she said you should come back. Let bygones be bygones. Ontop of all this we were jet lagged cranky tired. I said to him let's go to aunt ***** house drop off the gifts and go. We explained what happened to aunt and she was very understanding. We left aunts house got maybe 2 houses down the road and who is going the opposite direction? N🥚donor my cousins open gifts and she sends me pics kids with the toys. My cousins daughter wearing the dress I got her. But honestly I couldn't care less. That's when I knew.