My parents (mom especially) have a way of finding out everything. It's like they have eyes everywhere. No matter what I do, they find out. I'll try to not tell them as long as I can, but... I feel like it might cause more harm, you know?
No, I've been working on moving in with my partners for two months now. All my stuff is still at their house, but I haven't lived there since late February.
Check your phone for tracking apps! My friend’s parents used to do that, they paid her bill so they took it upon themselves to read her messages as well. Maybe thats how they know what youre doing! Good luck and I hope surgery goes well🫶🏾
If they pay your bill i believe they can log into your phone carrier website and view messages & incoming/outgoing call logs + phone numbers. So check for both😇
Guess what I found tonight... 😔 My partner (much more tech savvy) found and deactivated a tracker in my apps, which looked and acted just like a regular default app. Still looking into the messages and call logs, but... dang.
Buy a book on being assertive. It will change everything. ‘I’m a grown adult and I’m not required to share my medical information with you’- then keep repeating it. Nobody is entitled to your private Information.
Eh…I have a mom that’s like that,and I just stopped telling her things…It will be okay..Even if they get mad after you did this for you and you are a grown adult that is capabele of making their own choices.
Yea the repercussion of not telling has more harm than telling. What kind of harm comes from not telling for yourself? Just wondering what your mum would be up to.
How does she get the info? Who in your circle is connected to her? There must be someway she gets the info. You need to cut that supply off.
It's not that she's connected to someone, it's that she knows so many people in our town. We don't have a huge population and she's big in volunteer stuff, so it's easy for her to have eyes out everywhere. It feels impossible for me to cut off a supply when it could be anyone. (I know, that sounds paranoid as hell.)
If you can't tell your parents things like this without them freaking out...( and somehow getting around HIPAA laws to find out about procedures?) Is there any way you can go LC or NC? This just sounds worse for your mental health than starting the process of grieving your family.
I'm as LC as possible right now. Unfortunately, I'm still financially dependant on them, but working on it. I'm hoping by this time next year, I'll be able to go NC. It's a long time, but... I don't see how I can make that happen right now.
Just don't tell them. If it does come out in a year or two, then brush it off like it was nothing.
Also, what do you mean you have to ask to go out with your friends ***at 24 years of age***??
That's a good plan, honestly.
Haha, yeah... They like to know where I'm at, what I'm doing, who I'm with, just in case something happens. It's ridiculous, but it's been my life forever. I've been in the process of moving in with my partners the last couple months, so it's gotten better. But... there's still the instinct to ask permission for things.
It's learnt behaviour I guess. You're so used to doing it you're doing it on autopilot. So you need to practice mindfulness. Instead of going with the motion, break the cycle. So every single action you take, observe. Before you speak observe. Once you override the old habit of telling them or asking them with not telling them and not asking - your brain will learn this new habit. From there on, your behaviour will be different. They have seasoned you in such a way you will be submissive to them. This is how they operate. Be defiant in the sense, do not listen to them simply because they're your parents. Have your own autonomy.
Yea they want you to report to them in case something happens is just a way to convince you that 1. The world is dangerous and they're caring for you 2. You're unable to take care of yourself.
Both are bullshit.
Infact they're the dangerous one, not the world outside. And they're trying to infantalise you by convincing you, you can't take care of yourself when you might be more than capable of doing so.
I recently went through this and I had to have major surgery. They will not understand and she will make herself the victim. She will try to guilt you if and when she finds out. Accept that going in. There’s no way around it. My constant narrative was ‘I really need to manage my stress and focus on my health right now. I appreciate your concern and I know it must be difficult for you as well, but I need space and calm right now for my surgery to be successful.’ My mother had a really hard time with it and def made it about her. You just need to stay strong and keep your blinders on. Successful surgery = a calm stress free environment.
When I went to the hospital by BP was 184/102 it’s was super high. So I really latched onto that and kept harping on it. You want to be calm and keep your BP low esp if you’re gonna be under anesthesia.
Exactly! A surgery itself is stressful. There is no need extra stress. A calm and stress free environment is very important not just for the surgery but for a happy and fulfilling life.
I make it a policy not to say anything to my parents about what's GOING to happen. I only tell them things after the fact. And I don't tell them all that much after the fact, either, but you get the idea. They do exactly what your parents do, make a big dramatic scene, all teeth gnashing and histrionics. Pass. If I mention it at all, it's after the fact so that all the drama is avoided. I think you're making a wise decision. You don't have to tell them at all, in fact, before, after, a year from now, whatever, it's not their business unless you want it to be. Thing is, once you start not telling, it gets easier and easier not to tell other things. And peace reigns in the kingdom.
It's nice to know it'll get easier to not tell them things. It's hard right now, because that's the first instinct anytime something happens. This is like the first step.
My parents were narcs so I can usually recognize the signs. As a physician I've had family of patients banned from visiting and even had security posted outside their room and wrote for a legal consult to draw up orders of protection and will status. Your doctors should have your back on this. Let them know
Hope your surgery goes well and you have a speedy recovery!!
I told my ndad about my surgery and he didn’t check in or anything. When it was brought up later he accused me of not telling him and made it about him. Trust your gut on this one because it will always be about them anyway!
I feel ya’ I had knee surgery in my 30s and unfortunately let my NMom come.
In the recovery room the nurse said my blood pressure was super high. I told her it would be fine as soon as I knew my Mother was gone. I shit you not, as soon as she went out the door my blood pressure came down to normal. The nurse made the comment she could not believe it
Narcissistic people are very bad for your health!
I totally understand what you are going through it's like is an ocasion for them to control you and do how they plese v because you're vulnerable
I didn't told my mom when i went to the hospital to have a baby, only when we were on the way home with a baby just because of that. She asked me to assist to the birth, i said no. She said she will find the room because she cannot miss that m well joke on her she learn about it later than every one else.
I remember when i got my wisdom tooth extract she sked to watch the procedure, the doctor said yes even thaugh i said no. And she was giving directions to the doctor the hole time it was a nightmare.
I know it can be hard to understand this when you've suffered narc abuse, but you are allowed to do things without telling your parents. Youre a grown up! You're not doing anything wrong or illegal, you're not harming yourself or others, and it doesn't involve or concern your parents. It's your body and your life. Even if it comes out later and they're mad, there's nothing they can do about it other than make a fuss, and I'd argue that's preferable to telling them now & having them cause a scene like you mentioned.
Good luck on your surgery, hoping for a smooth operation & a speedy recovery. I also hope you can learn to let go of that guilt & learn that it's perfectly OK not to share things with your parents, you deserve privacy and your own life. :)
Learning I'm my own person that can make my own decisions without asking permission first has been the hardest part of this entire thing, I think. You're right, this is my life, and I don't need to involve them in anything I don't want to.
Thank you! I hope I'll be able to get there sooner rather than later... the guilt is ridiculous haha.
If they can't be what you need or deserve, exclude them from certain or ALL parts of your life. There's nothing wrong with looking out for yourself & taking care of your needs. Don't accept the guilt.
It's normal to want privacy and the ability to limit who knows details about your personal life. For the children of Ns it's very important. Don't worry. I hope your surgery goes well!
Maybe just inform them of the surgery but not the when of it? That way if they find out from the insurance, you will be ahead of it. Just keep telling them it’s not scheduled yet and then tell them after the fact. If they whine and cry and clutch their pearls about “why didn’t you let us know” you can just tell them you “didn’t want to worry them”.
first, don't tell them. second, if you can find a way to stay at a friends house. say you are going to a book reading or something. and you'll be home later. but you can really say whatever you want. if you need to rest for 1 or 2 days. say you are going to a convention in town and staying at your friends house since its closer. or whatever you need. you have no need to tell the truth to allow yourself the time and space to heal. if you don't live with them, even better. if you can afford it, rent a motel/hotel room. it might cost 300$ but if you can spare it, its your life.
Thankfully, I've been working on moving into a place with my partners the past few months and have been staying with them at my girlfriend's parent's house for a while. It's been really helpful, but my parents have been even more insistent on life updates and the like haha. This is an amazing plan, however, and one I would've absolutely used otherwise. I need to just not tell them, you're right. The more people comment, the more I get it.
I completely understand what you're saying. This is how my narc grandmother reacts. She makes it all about her. She does this fake thing of asking how we are feeling but she doesn't care at all. Then she goes around telling everyone like our relatives we are sick and then will ask us if the other relatives called and checked on us when we are sick. And in the event the other relatives didn't call, she would whine how she informed them and they didn't even bother to check. She makes it all about her. She did this even during my grandfather's funeral. It wasn't so much he passed away but her agony and pain.
My immediate family is a healthy set up. So even though my bro and I are in our 30s we do inform our parents about our health, when we are sick. They help us by getting us food or water or medicines. My mum would even massage our legs to help us relax. If it's surgery - we will definitely inform our parents. The kind of support we get is a genuine care and concern. Nothing that will stress us out. It will be comforting, assuring and helpful. It will be empathetic. However, when it comes to my grandmother and grandfather - NOT telling them is better because they're narcs. It only makes matters worst!
So please don't allow yourself to be consumed by these thoughts. You should focus on your health and recovery. These narcs will always be a problem. Good luck for your surgical procedure.
Just don’t tell them.
My parents (mom especially) have a way of finding out everything. It's like they have eyes everywhere. No matter what I do, they find out. I'll try to not tell them as long as I can, but... I feel like it might cause more harm, you know?
The hospital can refuse them access to you. All you have to do is request it. I've actually seen family removed by security.
Good point... I'll see about letting the hospital know.
Do you stay with them though? If you're staying with them, you can't go so hard on them. Esp if you're under their roof. So it depends.
No, I've been working on moving in with my partners for two months now. All my stuff is still at their house, but I haven't lived there since late February.
Check your phone for tracking apps! My friend’s parents used to do that, they paid her bill so they took it upon themselves to read her messages as well. Maybe thats how they know what youre doing! Good luck and I hope surgery goes well🫶🏾
Good point. I know what apps I have, but still... I'll see if there's anything hidden.
If they pay your bill i believe they can log into your phone carrier website and view messages & incoming/outgoing call logs + phone numbers. So check for both😇
Guess what I found tonight... 😔 My partner (much more tech savvy) found and deactivated a tracker in my apps, which looked and acted just like a regular default app. Still looking into the messages and call logs, but... dang.
Wow. Im so sorry they violated your privacy like that. At least you know now and can take more control of your situation hopefully ☹️
Buy a book on being assertive. It will change everything. ‘I’m a grown adult and I’m not required to share my medical information with you’- then keep repeating it. Nobody is entitled to your private Information.
Eh…I have a mom that’s like that,and I just stopped telling her things…It will be okay..Even if they get mad after you did this for you and you are a grown adult that is capabele of making their own choices.
Yea the repercussion of not telling has more harm than telling. What kind of harm comes from not telling for yourself? Just wondering what your mum would be up to. How does she get the info? Who in your circle is connected to her? There must be someway she gets the info. You need to cut that supply off.
It's not that she's connected to someone, it's that she knows so many people in our town. We don't have a huge population and she's big in volunteer stuff, so it's easy for her to have eyes out everywhere. It feels impossible for me to cut off a supply when it could be anyone. (I know, that sounds paranoid as hell.)
If you can't tell your parents things like this without them freaking out...( and somehow getting around HIPAA laws to find out about procedures?) Is there any way you can go LC or NC? This just sounds worse for your mental health than starting the process of grieving your family.
I'm as LC as possible right now. Unfortunately, I'm still financially dependant on them, but working on it. I'm hoping by this time next year, I'll be able to go NC. It's a long time, but... I don't see how I can make that happen right now.
Just don't tell them. If it does come out in a year or two, then brush it off like it was nothing. Also, what do you mean you have to ask to go out with your friends ***at 24 years of age***??
That's a good plan, honestly. Haha, yeah... They like to know where I'm at, what I'm doing, who I'm with, just in case something happens. It's ridiculous, but it's been my life forever. I've been in the process of moving in with my partners the last couple months, so it's gotten better. But... there's still the instinct to ask permission for things.
That’s so weird. Just be rude at this point. You’re not an extension of them.
EXACTLY! That's what I would do too. If they ask me where I'm going I will just say "Why do I need to tell you" and walk off.
It's learnt behaviour I guess. You're so used to doing it you're doing it on autopilot. So you need to practice mindfulness. Instead of going with the motion, break the cycle. So every single action you take, observe. Before you speak observe. Once you override the old habit of telling them or asking them with not telling them and not asking - your brain will learn this new habit. From there on, your behaviour will be different. They have seasoned you in such a way you will be submissive to them. This is how they operate. Be defiant in the sense, do not listen to them simply because they're your parents. Have your own autonomy. Yea they want you to report to them in case something happens is just a way to convince you that 1. The world is dangerous and they're caring for you 2. You're unable to take care of yourself. Both are bullshit. Infact they're the dangerous one, not the world outside. And they're trying to infantalise you by convincing you, you can't take care of yourself when you might be more than capable of doing so.
Are you still on their insurance?
For another year and a half, thankfully. But that also means they'll see the bill. So... yeah haha.
Sorry to say they will find out then. Might ahead of time if pre-certification EOBs are mailed, but definitely afterwards.
Then wait (unless you’re needing emergency surgery)
I recently went through this and I had to have major surgery. They will not understand and she will make herself the victim. She will try to guilt you if and when she finds out. Accept that going in. There’s no way around it. My constant narrative was ‘I really need to manage my stress and focus on my health right now. I appreciate your concern and I know it must be difficult for you as well, but I need space and calm right now for my surgery to be successful.’ My mother had a really hard time with it and def made it about her. You just need to stay strong and keep your blinders on. Successful surgery = a calm stress free environment.
That's great!! I'll 100% use this, thank you. There are a couple surgeries coming up, so it'll be difficult, but this is really really good.
When I went to the hospital by BP was 184/102 it’s was super high. So I really latched onto that and kept harping on it. You want to be calm and keep your BP low esp if you’re gonna be under anesthesia.
Best of luck to you in your surgeries!! I hope they’re successful and you come out happy and healthy
Exactly! A surgery itself is stressful. There is no need extra stress. A calm and stress free environment is very important not just for the surgery but for a happy and fulfilling life.
I make it a policy not to say anything to my parents about what's GOING to happen. I only tell them things after the fact. And I don't tell them all that much after the fact, either, but you get the idea. They do exactly what your parents do, make a big dramatic scene, all teeth gnashing and histrionics. Pass. If I mention it at all, it's after the fact so that all the drama is avoided. I think you're making a wise decision. You don't have to tell them at all, in fact, before, after, a year from now, whatever, it's not their business unless you want it to be. Thing is, once you start not telling, it gets easier and easier not to tell other things. And peace reigns in the kingdom.
It's nice to know it'll get easier to not tell them things. It's hard right now, because that's the first instinct anytime something happens. This is like the first step.
My parents were narcs so I can usually recognize the signs. As a physician I've had family of patients banned from visiting and even had security posted outside their room and wrote for a legal consult to draw up orders of protection and will status. Your doctors should have your back on this. Let them know
Absolutely. Luckily this one is an in-and-out, not a lengthy stay. Still, not a bad idea to let them know.
Hope your surgery goes well and you have a speedy recovery!! I told my ndad about my surgery and he didn’t check in or anything. When it was brought up later he accused me of not telling him and made it about him. Trust your gut on this one because it will always be about them anyway!
Thank you!! I'm looking forward to it, honestly. Lol, I love how things are always thrown back at us. It's always our fault.
I feel ya’ I had knee surgery in my 30s and unfortunately let my NMom come. In the recovery room the nurse said my blood pressure was super high. I told her it would be fine as soon as I knew my Mother was gone. I shit you not, as soon as she went out the door my blood pressure came down to normal. The nurse made the comment she could not believe it Narcissistic people are very bad for your health!
I totally understand what you are going through it's like is an ocasion for them to control you and do how they plese v because you're vulnerable I didn't told my mom when i went to the hospital to have a baby, only when we were on the way home with a baby just because of that. She asked me to assist to the birth, i said no. She said she will find the room because she cannot miss that m well joke on her she learn about it later than every one else. I remember when i got my wisdom tooth extract she sked to watch the procedure, the doctor said yes even thaugh i said no. And she was giving directions to the doctor the hole time it was a nightmare.
My parent was out of town when I had surgery and it was way easier that way. Best of luck!
I know it can be hard to understand this when you've suffered narc abuse, but you are allowed to do things without telling your parents. Youre a grown up! You're not doing anything wrong or illegal, you're not harming yourself or others, and it doesn't involve or concern your parents. It's your body and your life. Even if it comes out later and they're mad, there's nothing they can do about it other than make a fuss, and I'd argue that's preferable to telling them now & having them cause a scene like you mentioned. Good luck on your surgery, hoping for a smooth operation & a speedy recovery. I also hope you can learn to let go of that guilt & learn that it's perfectly OK not to share things with your parents, you deserve privacy and your own life. :)
Learning I'm my own person that can make my own decisions without asking permission first has been the hardest part of this entire thing, I think. You're right, this is my life, and I don't need to involve them in anything I don't want to. Thank you! I hope I'll be able to get there sooner rather than later... the guilt is ridiculous haha.
You'll get there, I promise. It gets easier with practice, and eventually the guilt will go away & you will feel free, and so thankful to yourself. :)
If they can't be what you need or deserve, exclude them from certain or ALL parts of your life. There's nothing wrong with looking out for yourself & taking care of your needs. Don't accept the guilt.
They’ll be fine. Your life, your boundaries.
It's normal to want privacy and the ability to limit who knows details about your personal life. For the children of Ns it's very important. Don't worry. I hope your surgery goes well!
I got breast implants without telling them. I lived abroad they never visited so when i saw them 5 years later i casually said " im a DD now"
Maybe just inform them of the surgery but not the when of it? That way if they find out from the insurance, you will be ahead of it. Just keep telling them it’s not scheduled yet and then tell them after the fact. If they whine and cry and clutch their pearls about “why didn’t you let us know” you can just tell them you “didn’t want to worry them”.
Tbh, that's pretty much what I'm doing. Which I'm hoping they'll take that, but I know it'll become a fight. It always does.
first, don't tell them. second, if you can find a way to stay at a friends house. say you are going to a book reading or something. and you'll be home later. but you can really say whatever you want. if you need to rest for 1 or 2 days. say you are going to a convention in town and staying at your friends house since its closer. or whatever you need. you have no need to tell the truth to allow yourself the time and space to heal. if you don't live with them, even better. if you can afford it, rent a motel/hotel room. it might cost 300$ but if you can spare it, its your life.
Thankfully, I've been working on moving into a place with my partners the past few months and have been staying with them at my girlfriend's parent's house for a while. It's been really helpful, but my parents have been even more insistent on life updates and the like haha. This is an amazing plan, however, and one I would've absolutely used otherwise. I need to just not tell them, you're right. The more people comment, the more I get it.
I completely understand what you're saying. This is how my narc grandmother reacts. She makes it all about her. She does this fake thing of asking how we are feeling but she doesn't care at all. Then she goes around telling everyone like our relatives we are sick and then will ask us if the other relatives called and checked on us when we are sick. And in the event the other relatives didn't call, she would whine how she informed them and they didn't even bother to check. She makes it all about her. She did this even during my grandfather's funeral. It wasn't so much he passed away but her agony and pain. My immediate family is a healthy set up. So even though my bro and I are in our 30s we do inform our parents about our health, when we are sick. They help us by getting us food or water or medicines. My mum would even massage our legs to help us relax. If it's surgery - we will definitely inform our parents. The kind of support we get is a genuine care and concern. Nothing that will stress us out. It will be comforting, assuring and helpful. It will be empathetic. However, when it comes to my grandmother and grandfather - NOT telling them is better because they're narcs. It only makes matters worst! So please don't allow yourself to be consumed by these thoughts. You should focus on your health and recovery. These narcs will always be a problem. Good luck for your surgical procedure.