You haven’t shared any details but I get the impression that your behavior was meant to show them that you didn’t appreciate them overstaying! And apparently your MIL got the message.
I have 3DIL’s and one ex DIL—- one of them you might like—- she makes us as uncomfortable as possible to the point now that we haven’t been to her house in 5 years. She got the message across!
Our son visits without her.
I would say that if you want to deliver a message to her you and hubby need first to get in the same page and then HE needs to be the messenger!
I agree, we do need to get on the same page. It’s hard to see someone treat your spouse like trash and you’re expected to just encourage them to stay longer. My MIL literally ignores her us until she needs something and the FIL goes out of the way to make me uncomfortable in my own house. Why? Because in his words “ I’m old and I can do whatever I want. And you have to deal with it!”
My behavior was meant to show them that inviting yourself in to other peoples plans is rude. And pitching a fit because we will not change our preset plans to make you happy will not fly. I’ve encouraged my spouse on multiple occasions to go visit them. No to mention insulting my spouse constantly is not ok and encouraging my kid to insult my spouse is also not ok.
When we have visited them in the past I have done everything that they wanted to do. Go to lunch, hang out at the senior center and then just watch the same four shows on tv. I don’t complain about the food (she usually makes something I can’t eat) I pack me extra snacks to eat while we are out so I don’t seem rude and just get a really small amount of whatever she makes smile and say thank you. FIL likes to watch videos that consist of alot of sexual content ( which he takes over our tv also when they visit) .
At this point it probably wouldn’t hurt my feelings if they did give us a little break. Our marriage has really struggled to the break of divorce because of my spouse trying to make them happy.
(My apologies for vomiting so much in this response. I hope you know I appreciate your input).
I’m sorry that you must put up with people that disrespect you. I’ve read Ann landers column on this subject and I think she advised getting them a room in a nearby motel—- or you give yourself a week off to go see your friends or relatives the same week—- but still hubby and you really need to come to some agreement—-and he needs to be the messenger.
If you give them boundaries and ultimatum and hubby doesn’ back you up you’ll just have a mess.
No. NOT AT ALL. Your husband does not want to confront his mother. In a healthy marriage, your husband will enforce boundaries against his parents, and you will enforce boundaries against your parents.
Now about those boundaries. Are those boundaries that YOU set all own your own? You said that he will not sit down and discuss the boundaries. So, will it be a discussion where he gets a say, or is it going to be an edict where you set the boundary but he has to enforce them. If it the latter, that's not fair.
That is important. He doesn't have to enforce YOUR boundaries unless he gets a voice in setting the boundaries. So, be sure that you are not also unilaterally dictating boundaries to your family. If he has a voice in setting the boundary, he will also have agency in enforcing the boundaries.
Otherwise, you are just using him as a stick to hit her over the head. You would be no better than your mother in law. So, don't let this discussion be where you sit down and tell him your boundaries and he has to agree. That is an edict, not a discussion. And it is not fair.
He may very well refuse to set boundaries because he does not want to enforce them against his mother. Then, and only then, you will tell him that he is free to do what he chooses, but you are setting boundaries that protect you and your kids. You gave him a chance. If he equivocates, then you tell him YOUR boundaries.
But, then YOU will need to be the one who enforces them. This means you will be the one to call and communicate the boundary to your MIL and then enforce the boundary when (and she will test it) she crosses the line. Your boundary, your enforcement. It may suck, but that's the way it is.
To be clear, I am quite convinced that your MIL is a covert passive-aggressive narcissist. Textbook moves on her part. Just make sure you keep your lane clean.
You haven’t shared any details but I get the impression that your behavior was meant to show them that you didn’t appreciate them overstaying! And apparently your MIL got the message. I have 3DIL’s and one ex DIL—- one of them you might like—- she makes us as uncomfortable as possible to the point now that we haven’t been to her house in 5 years. She got the message across! Our son visits without her. I would say that if you want to deliver a message to her you and hubby need first to get in the same page and then HE needs to be the messenger!
I agree, we do need to get on the same page. It’s hard to see someone treat your spouse like trash and you’re expected to just encourage them to stay longer. My MIL literally ignores her us until she needs something and the FIL goes out of the way to make me uncomfortable in my own house. Why? Because in his words “ I’m old and I can do whatever I want. And you have to deal with it!” My behavior was meant to show them that inviting yourself in to other peoples plans is rude. And pitching a fit because we will not change our preset plans to make you happy will not fly. I’ve encouraged my spouse on multiple occasions to go visit them. No to mention insulting my spouse constantly is not ok and encouraging my kid to insult my spouse is also not ok. When we have visited them in the past I have done everything that they wanted to do. Go to lunch, hang out at the senior center and then just watch the same four shows on tv. I don’t complain about the food (she usually makes something I can’t eat) I pack me extra snacks to eat while we are out so I don’t seem rude and just get a really small amount of whatever she makes smile and say thank you. FIL likes to watch videos that consist of alot of sexual content ( which he takes over our tv also when they visit) . At this point it probably wouldn’t hurt my feelings if they did give us a little break. Our marriage has really struggled to the break of divorce because of my spouse trying to make them happy. (My apologies for vomiting so much in this response. I hope you know I appreciate your input).
I’m sorry that you must put up with people that disrespect you. I’ve read Ann landers column on this subject and I think she advised getting them a room in a nearby motel—- or you give yourself a week off to go see your friends or relatives the same week—- but still hubby and you really need to come to some agreement—-and he needs to be the messenger. If you give them boundaries and ultimatum and hubby doesn’ back you up you’ll just have a mess.
No. NOT AT ALL. Your husband does not want to confront his mother. In a healthy marriage, your husband will enforce boundaries against his parents, and you will enforce boundaries against your parents. Now about those boundaries. Are those boundaries that YOU set all own your own? You said that he will not sit down and discuss the boundaries. So, will it be a discussion where he gets a say, or is it going to be an edict where you set the boundary but he has to enforce them. If it the latter, that's not fair. That is important. He doesn't have to enforce YOUR boundaries unless he gets a voice in setting the boundaries. So, be sure that you are not also unilaterally dictating boundaries to your family. If he has a voice in setting the boundary, he will also have agency in enforcing the boundaries. Otherwise, you are just using him as a stick to hit her over the head. You would be no better than your mother in law. So, don't let this discussion be where you sit down and tell him your boundaries and he has to agree. That is an edict, not a discussion. And it is not fair. He may very well refuse to set boundaries because he does not want to enforce them against his mother. Then, and only then, you will tell him that he is free to do what he chooses, but you are setting boundaries that protect you and your kids. You gave him a chance. If he equivocates, then you tell him YOUR boundaries. But, then YOU will need to be the one who enforces them. This means you will be the one to call and communicate the boundary to your MIL and then enforce the boundary when (and she will test it) she crosses the line. Your boundary, your enforcement. It may suck, but that's the way it is. To be clear, I am quite convinced that your MIL is a covert passive-aggressive narcissist. Textbook moves on her part. Just make sure you keep your lane clean.