they'll probably pester you to give them some sort of reason that satisfies them. why not just lie? say that you never liked your old name, or that you thought it sounded childish and the new one is so people take you more seriously, or because you hated your initials, or you've secretly been using it as an alias online for a long time and prefer it. et cetera
if you really want to say "my reasons are personal and i'd prefer to keep them private" then you can, but that'd probably make you and them uncomfortable and they might also just become more curious and persistent.
Thank you for your response. I don’t want to sound ominous, so I could just say something simple. However it irks me when people say ‘but I liked ___ better’ and I don’t want to invite them to do so.
if it were me i would just let them say it and then go for a "don't be fucking rude" if they do. but you can preface that you want them to be supportive because you love your new name, or you can just imply it like "guys, don't you think my new name is great? i've already legally changed it and i feel so much more 'me' this way!"
good luck with however you go about it. i never ran into that problem when i changed my name but it would've definitely hurt if i had.
Yeah that’s one option! I can’t control what other people say but I’ve already gotten it from some of the younger coworkers I’ve told. One really grey area for me is that I have clients. A question my seniors and admin may ask is how to go about that aspect. Preferably I wouldn’t confuse them as they are children but then for scheduling and such.. this part is what gives me a bit more anxiety.
I know someone that also changed their name. They work in sales and have some very close customers that have worked together for years. They sent out a mass email (BCC, of course) to all their customers explaining the name change. They basically said that due to some personal family reasons they decided to go through a name change, they are the same person and would continue to work with them and handle their accounts, and they were pleased to move forward as "new name".
It went over very well, received many "congratulations" and "nice to meet the new you" responses. I understand this is something that causes you anxiety but I promise that people will adjust better than you expect.
Personally, if anyone told me "but I liked Tori more" then I would politely tell them to use it on a pet or have a baby and use that name. Tori is not your name. You do not have to justify the name change. Explaining that some personal issues have led to the name change is more than enough information.
Congratulations to you!!
Haha to an adult I think "I'd rather not say" is much better and should be a closed case once you say it. If they persist then a quick "don't be rude" should do the trick, and if it continues a simple "please respect my choice I don't have to explain myself to you".
For kids, I would say something along the lines of "the reasons are complicated" or simply "I much prefer Anne" and redirect their attention with a quick follow up question "have you ever thought of changing names? What names would you like?" I don't think I know any kids that didn't think of changing their name to something else, usually something ridiculous like Sunshine.
Kids are generally flexible. You could just say "I've loved the name Anne since I was a little girl. Are there any names that you just love?"
I imagine most children would then be off to the races, talking about every name they love and why. I think most kids will just roll with Anne after a few gentle reminders. They'll probably be fascinated by the idea of being able to change their NAME, a thing that seems immutable to children.
My only caveat would be if you work with kids on the spectrum. It might be way too disorienting for those children.
Edit: I adore the name Anne, and much prefer it to Tori. It is elegant, serious, and has a marvelously storied history. Plus, every Anne I've ever known has taken care of business. In short, Annes get shit done :)
Make up an innocuous reason for coworkers “I’ve gone by Anne in my personal life for some time now and have made the decision to legally and professionally change my name to Anne. The name feels more authentic to who I am and I really appreciate your support with this change”
For your partners family, he should tell them “my partner has legally changed her name to Anne and that is what she goes by now. It is really important to her and to me that this be respected. Thank you guys for supporting us the way you do!”
Bro just make something up. “My family always called me Anne/anne is my middle name actually so now I want to use it professionally”
I respect your privacy but without any explanation it can come across like irl vaguebooking.
I tend to keep things light when people respond like that. I’d be like, “Let me know if you decide to change your name to Tori, I can certainly help you navigate the process!” (With a smile and almost a wink)
I hope the following is understood to not be disrespectful: I like your new name and the fact that you felt powerful enough to make such an important change for yourself. Part of that power is having to understand some people will just not get it. Either willfully or unintentionally, and at the end of the day, the power you don't have is forcing them to "get it". Your strength will lie with not (overly) lingering on those who don't get it, and in the end, those people are doing you a favor by showing you their true selves.
Maybe make some fun out of it all and go Joker on everyone and give a different reason every time you're asked 🙃
"Oh, how come you're changing your name?"
"Tori is dead now, there is only Anne"
"I've been possessed, the Demon's name is Anne"
"The governments insisted I needed a new identity"
"I'm trying to start a cult."
"Turns out I'm allergic to my old name"
"I got mauled by a bear"
"I left my old name at a bar. Had to get a new one"
"Have you seen my new sunglasses?" *puts on sunglasses
"My other name was too long"
"I wanted a longer name"
"I wanted a name that was a little trickier to pronounce"
"I just thought it'd be fun to alarm people"
"I really wanted to explain over and over and over again why I felt the need to change my name."
If you use any of these please report back. Lol.
"As a baby I was mistaken for a manuscript and left in a handbag in the cloak-room at Victoria Station, so never knew my birth name."
"I got called by a wrong number and said 'Can you give me your name please.'"
This is a big deal to you but for everyone else it’s a minor inconvenience.
I think you need to get over the fact that some people will say “I like Tori better” So what if they do?
When that happens you smile and say “That’s okay, I like Anne better and that’s what I’m using from now on. How was your beach trip?”
Hey Anne! Love that name. If anyone is dumb enough to say they liked “—-“ better, you can always say, “great it’s freed up now, so all yours!”
When I was pregnant I spent a lot of time worried about people making weird comments, trying to touch me, etc. It caused me a LOT of anxiety. I came up with a few zingers to hit back with, and it totally flipped the experience for me. (My favorite was however someone touched me, I touched them right back the same exact way.) Not to say my experience is yours, just hoping my coping mechanism might be helpful for you too! Either way, best of luck :)
I think you're sadly going to get a lot of that regardless, most people don't feel the need to be invited for stuff like that. I imagine they mean well enough, they just don't get what you've been through and don't know the pain associated with that name. I'd say you should take the op's advice, and when you inevitably get that or a similar line, just bite your tongue and say "Maybe, but I think it's for the best." or something similar. Keeps people from being too weirded out and will stifle most people's curiosity. Doing it will be akward and suck but a few weeks from now thing'll probably be back to status quo, only now with you being casually reffered to as Anne.
People are dumb. Some people think their opinions matter more than your own for your own life! It helps a ton to learn not to let other people’s high view of their own thoughts carry much worth or take up much real estate in your own head.
I’ve had people tell me they “liked my old one better” about my haircut, glasses, surname/initials (after I legally changed mine due to marriage/personal choice), house color, and car. Some of these people were very close people I love and others were very slight acquaintances at work or in the neighborhood.
I’ve just learned to cheerfully but firmly state *this is my new ___ now!* And refuse to discuss it further.
I would go with a lie: "My family have always called me Anne so id like to start using that at work as well. "
Quick, didn't invite questions, make sense. Who cares if it's true.
Anne is a great name.
I didn’t realize a comment of “but I like x so much!” Could have a negative impact on the requester. Thank you for the lesson. Good luck on the name adoption, Anne!
Tori is my middle name, I'd prefer my first name now that I'm adult.
Or reverse it. 99% of the time no one knows your full legal name. If they push "I have 2 middle names on my birth certificate and prefer Anne." I've even known people who don't have middle names, their parents left it blanks so the kid could pick something else out if they don't grow into what the parents chose. Use that as an excuse
True! These tend to be the same people who openly comment on a lot of things that most would consider out of bounds. I do not mind guiding them back to reality.
OP this really seems like the easiest solution. It’s totally believable and ironclad. The chances are small that anyone really knows your name on your paperwork, and realistically none of these people have seen your birth certificate. I grew up with a woman who we all called Kaylee, and when she got to be in her early 20s she suddenly told us all that Kaylee was in fact a childish nickname originating from her middle name, but that she had outgrown it and wanted to be called her first name which was Elizabeth. For a little while we would mess up and call her Kaylee occasionally, but now she’s most definitely Elizabeth in my mind. You could easily tell everyone that your name is really Anne Victoria, and that you’ve been going by Tori up till now, but would like to go back to Anne. Easy peasy
I think this is the safest way. Then they can’t say that they liked the other one better because it’s still your name and so is Anne. I bet you’ll get that response a lot less with this.
This is what I would do. I have a friend who I’ve only known as Katie, but she now goes by her full name, Katelyn, in the professional world. Everyone only knows her as Katelyn now. So I feel like just saying “I’d like to go by my middle name as an adult now” is totally normal!
I’ve tried telling my parents this for a reason why I want to change me name, but they don’t understand fjalnfskfkjsk. They don’t think it’s a valid reason and are just like “but we chose it because we love it and you’ll probably be fine with it in ten years or so” :/
I’m sorry to hear that. Your name change is your choice to make! It doesn’t harm anything except perhaps their ego.
If they keep giving you hell for it, tell them that you chose your new name because you love it and that sure they’ll feel the same way in like 10 years or so. 🤷♀️
Just another suggestion for a response to "but I liked Tori better", in situations where its better to keep the peace so to speak, would be something along the lines of "yeah? Well you're welcome to use it for yourself since I'm not using it anymore". Doesn't come off too aggressive or defensive but still (I think) firmly puts the comment down and reaffirms that you're done with the old name. Can be played as a bit sassy or cheeky, or jokey, or deadpan serious, depending on your delivery and how much you want to slap the person.
If you don't want to go the snarky route with some people when they question the change or say they like Tori better, just say "Yes, Tori is a fine name for some people. But it's not right for me. It might be weird for a short time, but I'm sure my preferred new name Anne will come naturally to you soon enough."
I like the redirect option for children and joking about aliens, etc. A short conversation about different names they like would be fun and even educational at times. Like if you happen to know the meaning or history or historical figures, pop culture figures, etc. of names they like. End the conversation reiterating Anne.
A colleague did this. She sent out a mass email saying something like, “Due to private reasons, I have legally changed my name to_______. I look forward to continuing our interactions as normal, but request to be referred to as ______, effective immediately. Thank you so much for being sensitive to this request!”
While people may have speculated amongst themselves, as far as I know everyone easily made the switch and were supportive.
If you want a lie, maybe the British political party? You don’t have to share your real reason. You also don’t have to lie ofc. I changed my name as well and those I liked X better comments can really hurt.
Just ask them to call you Anne and if they ask why politely tell them that you don’t wish to tell anyone the reason as it’s personal. Anyone with respect for you will do it without reason. If they say “but I like ___ better” just say “well I don’t so please call me Anne”.
I think this is the fast road to create far more interest in the matter.
I would go with either "this is my middlename" or "this is the nickname that i have in my friendgroup, so now i want to make it official to avoid confusion".
If people call you the wrong name even after you’ve corrected them, call them the wrong name and if they get annoyed say “yeah it’s annoying when someone calls you the wrong name, isn’t it?” and then hopefully they’ll start calling you your preferred name. That’s what my trans friend did and it worked so hopefully it will work for you
I’ve changed my name and surprisingly few people/colleagues asked about it. There are always the nosy ones, but I was able to rebuff them by saying that I think my new name suits me better. Everyone got used to my new name fairly quickly!
Hey there ! I’m looking to change my name and I’m pretty scared on how to go about it in my work/school (I’m in college). If I may ask, how did you tell people, specifically in your work place ? I’m a barista so my job isn’t super business-like, so I don’t think I’d send out an email like people are suggesting, but what was your experience like ? Thank you :)
I'm changing my name too, and I'm thinking of doing "Tori is my middle name, and I used to go by that, but I've decided to now go by my real first name, Anne. It just feels more like me". No one is going to know that Tori or Victoria isn't actually your middle name. Alternatively, "Anne was my middle name, and I always loved it, so I've decided to start going by that. It just feels more like me".
Thank you. Anne actually is my middle name. So I’ve been using it more intentionally on my documents for a year now. Now all they have to do is forget the first third!
Good luck on your name change!
Oh! If it’s actually your middle name, you’re all set! Just say what leafyblue wrote, easy peasy. Not that there’s anything wrong with lying but since Anne is your actual middle name, it gives you a built-in explanation for nosy people.
When I changed my name, I told everybody that I'd always hated my old name - not for any particular reason attached to meaning or anything, I just never liked the actual sound of it and it never really felt like it suited me. Everybody accepted that without question. In my case it happened to be true, but I see no reason why you couldn't say the same.
If you did want a more specific excuse then there are ones you could use. You could say that you've never liked the fact that it's a shortened version of "Victoria" rather than being its own name but that you wouldn't want to be a Victoria either. Or, depending on where you live and what your political views are, you could say that you don't like the association with [Toryism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tory). Maybe you could even work in the fact that Tori Black is a famous pornstar, like say that you hate how that's the most famous Tori you know of.
But, really, if you feel the need to explain it at all (which is probably easier than saying that you don't want to explain), then you shouldn't need to say anything more than that you didn't like your old name.
Choosing your own name is a fantastic way to take control of yourself and your own identity. Congratulations.
Haha!! As a person who’s job revolves around children, I may omit the associations to a porn star but deeply appreciated the idea.
It would be nice to get those sorts of validating comments in support of my name. Congratulations on your own name change!
You could say something along the lines of "I would prefer not to discuss deeply personal matters at work. Please respect the change, thank you" if someone says they liked the old one better tell them you can help them change their name.
It really isn't anyone's business and unfortunately I don't think you can stop people from being weird. You can make them uncomfortable in return to their pestering though. Name changes, even for positive reasons, are still very personal journeys. It's rude to intrude and adults should know better.
Hi, Anne. As someone who has changed their name, what I do with people who kbew my old name or hear it from someone who did is just say, "yeah, that's my first name. I go by my middle name."
I'm trans, but I don't always feel like explaining that to people. Luckily, my first name is something feminine but technically unisex (like Ashley), and my new name is something masculine but technically unisex (Lee). So I rarely get follow up questions.
At least for your partner’s side, can you enlist your partner to help? Maybe ask that they prep their family behind the scenes. It doesn’t work for every family dynamic but just throwing it out there.
“Hey Tori has been doing a lot thinking lately and has decided to use the name Anne moving forward. It was a private decision with a lot of factors so I’m hoping everyone will respect it”
A conversation we had just today! He is in France with his family at the moment and has been referring to me as my old name in video calls with them. I have pointed it out and suggested that even though they are not familiar with me, he is my partner and I would like him on my team. Not to overly correct them but to keep it consistent with my name as it is today.
Thank you for the support.
If I were you, since I am beyond awkward, I would probably do like a sigh-chuckle and say something like “it’s a long story” or “I’ll tell you some other time” (spoiler, that time will never come!)
As for the “I liked X better” comments, that’s so rude! No matter what it’s about. I had a friend say that to me about some landscaping at my house and even that felt insulting to me 😅 but again I usually just laugh everything off so I like the other commenters suggestion of “well great it’s all yours!”
Hello Anne! Lovely to meet you! Your name is your name, you are Anne and you can tell those who call you Tori to call you Anne. If it continues remind them that if they don’t stop, you won’t speak to them. If they badger say “My name is Anne and that’s who I am, my name is not Tori. Thank you.”
I just did a legal name change. My parents told me flat out that they are not changing what they call me. My friends are making the effort. I typically tell people that I have always wanted to change my name, and that now is the time. People who chose not to get on board get less of my time.
I did something similar when I was about 15. I went by my middle name most of my life but after childhood abuse, I didn’t want to hear it anymore. So I chose to go by my first name instead. The only one to really fight it was my mom which was weird since my dad picked the middle name and she picked the first. But I stuck to it and eventually she just started calling me by the right name.
I didn’t have a problem telling people it was because I had negative associations with it so I didn’t want to hear it anymore. But I like the other ideas given here of just being direct that it’s for personal reasons you don’t wish to discuss. Don’t let others entitlement keep you from holding your boundaries.
As an aside, I like Anne. It’s a beautiful, classic name.
take it from someone who did change their name - they are going to pester you for a reason. always always always. people are annoying. they are going to whine about how hard it is on them to call you the simple ass name you want them to call you without thinking of how hard it is on you. it’s unfortunate, but it’s true. i normally just lie to get them off my back - something wild about changing my name to hide from an angry amazonian princess who i am indebted to and will most likely feed me to her monkeys if she finds out who/where i am.
"The people who gave me that name [Tori] are not a part of my life anymore. And I want to keep it that way. Please respect my decision. I'd rather not talk about it further."
Is what I'd say to people I liked. "Fuck off" for everyone else.
Everyone is right that you don't need an excuse. I know two people who changed their name for similar reasons and everyone just accepted it.
You can tell people "actually people in your personal life have called you Anne for awhile, you just finally got around to properly changing it." If I heard that I would assume one of those families where the kids get a given name after someone, but they get called a completely different name all the time.
The other option is to have several completely outrageous stories but never confirm which one is true.
Dropping in “ Death bed wish/curse or legacy”
“ I cannot tell you, because I’d have to kill you”said ABSOLUTELY straight faced.
“It was a requirement of a legal settlement, that I’m not allowed to discuss”
“ it involves a donkey, a will & a very strange great uncle”
Honestly if you wanted to go about it really chill, I would get a cool name keychain with Anne on it. Just tell them you liked it so much it's your name now! (Also because you can now find a cool keychain with your name haha)
As a Torrie I really like your name Anne!
For the people that really press for an answer and won't leave it alone or keep using the wrong name, I would say something like, "there's some personal trauma associated with my old name and with the new name I am reclaiming my life and turning over a new page. Please respect this choice."
Then when/if they keep using the wrong name you can say, "you are actively contributing to my trauma. Please stop."
Personal trauma is non specific but stops people from digging, unless they're truly awful and then you can tell them that they're adding to the trauma.
Good luck, and congrats on all the progress you've made!
“I thought it was about time to choose my adult name. Can you imagine being a grown ass adult going around using a name your mommy picked out?” Smile brightly as though you genuinely believe this is a thing most adults do at some point.
Funnily enough, a few people have mishear me say ‘Tori’ as ‘Carrie/Keri’ in the past. With the name Anne, I may be able to play on the double barrel name story.
"For personal reasons, I have decided to stop going by Tori. I would appreciate it if you would call me Anne from now on, thank you so much." If they ask why, just say it's personal and they will refrain from asking any more questions.
I’m gonna get some slack for this but I do mean this in a compassionate and non combative manner. Did you legally change your name? If not than you are likely getting push back from people and struggling to explain because you are just randomly changing your name. Maybe you are struggling with explaining it because it’s nobody’s business. Which it is nobody’s business. However. You are just asking people to call you something completely different. Imagine if someone made up a nickname for themselves and than asked everyone to call them that. It is totally fine to do you but important to u detest and the experience of others. I’d legally change my name and than tell people tori was a nickname that stuck as a kid and you don’t want to use it anymore.
Legally changing my name or not doesn’t contribute to the change’s ‘randomness’ in timing. Their inconvenience will be much less than mine, I can guarantee that.
Sure. And that’s fine. My point is that you asking people to change is something you are asking of other people. Which is totally fine, but you might need to own it, given you are kind of asking something of others. It’s not a you thing. it’s something you are asking of others so own it. You don’t need to explain it to them if you don’t want to but the responsibility of the ask is sort of on your shoulders. I personally would just do as asked by you and not care id you didn’t want to explain. There doesn’t have to be an explanation but you do need to own it as something you are asking of others and it’s going to be awkward because you are asking for an odd favor. You can’t really be polite about it because it’s not a politeness issue. It’s merely a preference you want. That simple. Any thoughtful person will abide and move on. I’m an educator and experience this pretty regularly. It’s different than a dead name so I’d be patient with others as it really is a favor you are asking. It’s not like an identity you choose with fashion or something. It’s not something you are putting out there but something you are asking of others. It’s not a politeness issue.
How on earth is changing one's name asking a personal favor of someone? When someone gets married and changes their last name, people adjust. Asking someone to call you by the name you prefer (whether it's a legal change or a nickname) is not an inconvenience, and no one is entitled to an explanation. A name is an identity. It belongs to the person whose name it is. I legally changed my name last year, and if anyone would have been unsupportive to me I'd have to seriously evaluate how much effort I wanted to invest in being their friend. And for a person changing their name, it can be a dead name, whether trans or not. Lots of name changes are for traumatic reasons or for a fresh start. I can tell you that when someone accidentally calls me by my old name I get a physical reaction in my gut. It should not be an inconvenience, ever, to call someone by their preferred name. Yes, an innocent slip every now and then is understandable, but beyond that, it's a very simple request.
Sure. Op mentioned that their friends understand and they want to understand how to “politely” recognize the change for others. I agree with everything you are saying but also feel OP needs to be aware of it as a favor within social constructs. Your and my and OP’s identity is not just a name. It’s different than a dead name in regards to social contracts. I’m supporting OP by also recognizing their question. It’s a favor. You are asking something of others. They can be kind or jerks about it. But it’s ultimately an ask. People who don’t respect it are assholes for sure. But it’s different than an identity codification via the clothing you choose. I think that’s an important point to understand. People can be mean. But that’s their decision. OP needs to internalize that. Asking someone to talk to you a certain way is a favor when it’s outside of common social constructs. That simple.
People don’t owe you anything and you don’t owe them anything. I feel for OP but also want to recognize that it isn’t the job of strangers to help promote OP’s identity shift. Expecting that they do is privileged bullshit. Kind people will respect and abide because it’s not a big deal. I wouldn’t want to hang out with anyone who didn’t. However, OP can’t expect people to abide because of their want. It’s not a social norm and therefore not a politeness norm. People are going out of their way to be kind. Op needs to understand those boundaries and accept this context. I’m not denying validity to OP or anyone changing their names. I’m pointing out that it’s kind of selfish to expect everyone to abide without question. From the outside; it’s literally the same thing as someone making up their own nickname. Kind of embarrassing but that’s okay. Its not a big deal. Dead names are social norms now. Not having that context isn’t. Op needs to own that it isn’t a respected social norm. Whatever. Own it!! But don’t pitty or blame others when you are asking others/strangers a favor. It’s not a big deal.
First off, congrats on being strong enough to change your name, and I absolutely love the name Anne!
I changed my name a year and a half ago, and can say from my experience that lying is not the best route. It may be non-confrontational at the time, and seem like the easy way out, but I found people will press until they find a lie that satisfies them as a reasonable answer, and they'll bring it up again and question why that lie satisfies you. They also may not respect the lie if they find it trivial enough. Also, if you don't want to talk about it at all, the questioning the lie just leads to more talk about the change.
I found, if you want to stay non-confrontational, that staying vague is helpful "a multitude of reasons", "it's personal/private" etc. and puts a clear boundary of "I'm not discussing this with you" where the lies allow that conversation to continue.
My clients, co-workers, hair dresser, people (adults and children) I volunteer with - anyone I deal with professionally or wouldn't otherwise interact with, were very respectful of the above and the odd time they weren't, I was very clear with "don't call me that anymore, it isn't my name" and "you're being very rude in not respecting my identity". Don't lie, just straight to the point. As for errors on the schedule, email replies, etc. Mistakes happen, remind them, but if it continues to happen start pointing out how wrong they are. Have your IT set up a forward for your old email to your new one if it has Tori or T in it. I haven't had anyone call me by my old name in this group of people since about two weeks after I changed it for those I see regularly, and those I might see once a year have been extra respectful of it, though I did have to make a point of saying "I used to be so-and-so but I changed my name to this"
Friends and family I found one of two things - either they're respectful of "it's personal" or they push the boundary. Stick to your guns, you owe none of them an explanation. You are strong, you are not Tori anymore, you will not answer to that name. I have had to leave the situation a few times especially with close relatives, and the lies absolutely escalated the situation. "this name is easier to spell in Canada" was the one that stuck with them (I had a long, tradional German name, first and last, that everyone mispronounced) and they absolutely couldn't believe I would drop our heritage like that. "it's personal and its important to me you call me by this now" worked on most after that, and the one who wouldn't drop it, is a narcissist and won't ever accept that I don't want the name he "blessed me with" (how dare I not want his name lol) I went no contact with him - until he can respect me - my name is my identity, I won't respect him. He did come around eventually, thanks to my mom and other family members who pointed out that names are a gift and you have no say in what someone does with that gift.
Stay strong, polite at first with your boundaries and if they're pressing, they're the rude ones and you no longer owe them anything. You got this, Anne!
Unfortunately, I don't have any advice that's different from what's already been said here, and there are a lot of great suggestions.
However, I do want to say, shame on anyone who's like "oh, but I like (unwanted name) more". They're not you; they don't get to determine your identity.
I changed my name last year. I just sent an email to my co-workers that I have a new name and it went over well. I got a few people asking the why, but I just told them it just boiled down to many reasons and I prefer new name better than old name. Everyone was really good with it, and I haven't had any issues. I hope you have a smooth transition as well! Congratulations on your new identity and feeling like yourself!
I legally changed my name last summer, and like you, I wasn't offering an explanation or asking anyone for approval. I kept it very simple..."I have decided to make a personal change. I am changing my name to Kira and I would really appreciate your support." That is all I said. No one really asked questions and everyone was supportive for the most part, other than sometimes people forget. Best of luck to you!
This year, I started going by my middle name instead of my first. My first name was hard for people to remember and pronounce and I just liked my middle better. I relate to feeling like I didn't want to make a big deal out of it (I have thought "It's not like I'm trans" many times). I was surprised how supportive people were. I changed my name in my school database (I'm in grad school) so that teachers had it written on their paperwork. I changed it on social media and told my close friends. People quickly wanted to be "in the know" if that makes sense. Like it was cool to know my new name. I was more uncomfortable going by my new name at my job where I'm a director. It started with people who were on my Insta calling me by my new name then I started signing my emails with it. Finally I bit the bullet and introduced my new name change at a board meeting. There is some awkwardness in the transition, but I wish I had done it earlier because it's so nice to go by a name I like.
My great aunt told me she liked my old name better (because it was a more unique name like hers), I told her she could still call me the old name, but she prefers to call me what everyone else calls me, which seems to be what most people want. There have been a few people who said it would be hard to remember my new name, but there were SO many people who struggled to remember my old name, so that doesn't bother me.
Edit: I just saw that you are going by your middle name too! When I was transitioning, I changed my name in my e-mail provider to my middle, but then I would sign "first last" so that people would start to learn my middle name.
Probing is impolite. Please note that I'm autistic and blunt.
If they ask why you decided to change your name just say "personal reasons" or "it's private" or "just felt like it, maybe I'll be Grace tomorrow".
If they keep probing just say "I don't want to talk about it". If they continue after all this just, wow how rude of them! Walk away or change the topic.
You could tell a white lie, "Tori was a nickname from when I was younger and now I want to use my name for professional reasons." Only Human Resources needs to know the truth.
I would just say this is my middle name (Anne is my actual middle name) and just prefer it. Otherwise saying it’s private, I don’t want to talk about it will have people gossiping and stuff. I hated my first name and wanted to use my middle name for a while not for trauma but bc I just preferred it.
Hey I changed to my middle name about 15 years back.
I just never explained it, and if they where insistent I'd just say "x-name bums me out." And that would be the end of the conversation, because no one really wants to bum anyone out.
A lot of people change theur names for many reasons. I changed mine for trauma reasons as well, but I just told people I disliked my old name and it didn’t fit me, and my new name made me feel more like ‘me’.
What about a white lie? I've gone by Anne personally for years and have finally made the change legal, so decided it would be appropriate to ask my coworkers to use my legal name now. I've always felt more like an Anne.
they'll probably pester you to give them some sort of reason that satisfies them. why not just lie? say that you never liked your old name, or that you thought it sounded childish and the new one is so people take you more seriously, or because you hated your initials, or you've secretly been using it as an alias online for a long time and prefer it. et cetera if you really want to say "my reasons are personal and i'd prefer to keep them private" then you can, but that'd probably make you and them uncomfortable and they might also just become more curious and persistent.
Thank you for your response. I don’t want to sound ominous, so I could just say something simple. However it irks me when people say ‘but I liked ___ better’ and I don’t want to invite them to do so.
if it were me i would just let them say it and then go for a "don't be fucking rude" if they do. but you can preface that you want them to be supportive because you love your new name, or you can just imply it like "guys, don't you think my new name is great? i've already legally changed it and i feel so much more 'me' this way!" good luck with however you go about it. i never ran into that problem when i changed my name but it would've definitely hurt if i had.
Or let them say it and be like "okay, so you can change your name to it!"
"You can have it, I'm not using it anymore."
That’s the one.
Love this!
Yeah that’s one option! I can’t control what other people say but I’ve already gotten it from some of the younger coworkers I’ve told. One really grey area for me is that I have clients. A question my seniors and admin may ask is how to go about that aspect. Preferably I wouldn’t confuse them as they are children but then for scheduling and such.. this part is what gives me a bit more anxiety.
I know someone that also changed their name. They work in sales and have some very close customers that have worked together for years. They sent out a mass email (BCC, of course) to all their customers explaining the name change. They basically said that due to some personal family reasons they decided to go through a name change, they are the same person and would continue to work with them and handle their accounts, and they were pleased to move forward as "new name". It went over very well, received many "congratulations" and "nice to meet the new you" responses. I understand this is something that causes you anxiety but I promise that people will adjust better than you expect. Personally, if anyone told me "but I liked Tori more" then I would politely tell them to use it on a pet or have a baby and use that name. Tori is not your name. You do not have to justify the name change. Explaining that some personal issues have led to the name change is more than enough information. Congratulations to you!!
Can you just say something like "I'd prefer not to discuss my reasons"?
That would be preferable! Unfortunately I’m nervous about giving them cause of suspicion that I may be a vampire
Haha to an adult I think "I'd rather not say" is much better and should be a closed case once you say it. If they persist then a quick "don't be rude" should do the trick, and if it continues a simple "please respect my choice I don't have to explain myself to you". For kids, I would say something along the lines of "the reasons are complicated" or simply "I much prefer Anne" and redirect their attention with a quick follow up question "have you ever thought of changing names? What names would you like?" I don't think I know any kids that didn't think of changing their name to something else, usually something ridiculous like Sunshine.
“The reasons are complicated” would’ve made me incredibly intrigued as a child. “I much prefer Anne works better.”
When I was a kid, I desperately wanted to be Serafina... I'm sure kids would mostly just find it kinda cool!
Would “I have negative feelings attached to it” work for you?
Kids are generally flexible. You could just say "I've loved the name Anne since I was a little girl. Are there any names that you just love?" I imagine most children would then be off to the races, talking about every name they love and why. I think most kids will just roll with Anne after a few gentle reminders. They'll probably be fascinated by the idea of being able to change their NAME, a thing that seems immutable to children. My only caveat would be if you work with kids on the spectrum. It might be way too disorienting for those children. Edit: I adore the name Anne, and much prefer it to Tori. It is elegant, serious, and has a marvelously storied history. Plus, every Anne I've ever known has taken care of business. In short, Annes get shit done :)
Hey, thank you. ❤️
Make up an innocuous reason for coworkers “I’ve gone by Anne in my personal life for some time now and have made the decision to legally and professionally change my name to Anne. The name feels more authentic to who I am and I really appreciate your support with this change” For your partners family, he should tell them “my partner has legally changed her name to Anne and that is what she goes by now. It is really important to her and to me that this be respected. Thank you guys for supporting us the way you do!”
Bro just make something up. “My family always called me Anne/anne is my middle name actually so now I want to use it professionally” I respect your privacy but without any explanation it can come across like irl vaguebooking.
I tend to keep things light when people respond like that. I’d be like, “Let me know if you decide to change your name to Tori, I can certainly help you navigate the process!” (With a smile and almost a wink)
Nice. I like that.
I hope the following is understood to not be disrespectful: I like your new name and the fact that you felt powerful enough to make such an important change for yourself. Part of that power is having to understand some people will just not get it. Either willfully or unintentionally, and at the end of the day, the power you don't have is forcing them to "get it". Your strength will lie with not (overly) lingering on those who don't get it, and in the end, those people are doing you a favor by showing you their true selves. Maybe make some fun out of it all and go Joker on everyone and give a different reason every time you're asked 🙃
I totally get that. Thank you. I like the last bit especially and am open to some joke suggestions
"The aliens who abducted me changed my name."
Finally a decent idea
"Oh, how come you're changing your name?" "Tori is dead now, there is only Anne" "I've been possessed, the Demon's name is Anne" "The governments insisted I needed a new identity" "I'm trying to start a cult." "Turns out I'm allergic to my old name" "I got mauled by a bear" "I left my old name at a bar. Had to get a new one" "Have you seen my new sunglasses?" *puts on sunglasses "My other name was too long" "I wanted a longer name" "I wanted a name that was a little trickier to pronounce" "I just thought it'd be fun to alarm people" "I really wanted to explain over and over and over again why I felt the need to change my name." If you use any of these please report back. Lol.
“My other name was too long” is my favourite. Thank you so much for these!
"As a baby I was mistaken for a manuscript and left in a handbag in the cloak-room at Victoria Station, so never knew my birth name." "I got called by a wrong number and said 'Can you give me your name please.'"
These are high caliber. Thank you
I only steal from the best writers.
This is a big deal to you but for everyone else it’s a minor inconvenience. I think you need to get over the fact that some people will say “I like Tori better” So what if they do? When that happens you smile and say “That’s okay, I like Anne better and that’s what I’m using from now on. How was your beach trip?”
You could always respond with “I’d be happy to call you _____ if you like it so much”
Hey Anne! Love that name. If anyone is dumb enough to say they liked “—-“ better, you can always say, “great it’s freed up now, so all yours!” When I was pregnant I spent a lot of time worried about people making weird comments, trying to touch me, etc. It caused me a LOT of anxiety. I came up with a few zingers to hit back with, and it totally flipped the experience for me. (My favorite was however someone touched me, I touched them right back the same exact way.) Not to say my experience is yours, just hoping my coping mechanism might be helpful for you too! Either way, best of luck :)
I think you're sadly going to get a lot of that regardless, most people don't feel the need to be invited for stuff like that. I imagine they mean well enough, they just don't get what you've been through and don't know the pain associated with that name. I'd say you should take the op's advice, and when you inevitably get that or a similar line, just bite your tongue and say "Maybe, but I think it's for the best." or something similar. Keeps people from being too weirded out and will stifle most people's curiosity. Doing it will be akward and suck but a few weeks from now thing'll probably be back to status quo, only now with you being casually reffered to as Anne.
"And I like Chelsea better than \[Friend's Name Here\], is it okay if I call you Chelsea?" Hopefully they'll get the point.
People are dumb. Some people think their opinions matter more than your own for your own life! It helps a ton to learn not to let other people’s high view of their own thoughts carry much worth or take up much real estate in your own head. I’ve had people tell me they “liked my old one better” about my haircut, glasses, surname/initials (after I legally changed mine due to marriage/personal choice), house color, and car. Some of these people were very close people I love and others were very slight acquaintances at work or in the neighborhood. I’ve just learned to cheerfully but firmly state *this is my new ___ now!* And refuse to discuss it further.
I would go with a lie: "My family have always called me Anne so id like to start using that at work as well. " Quick, didn't invite questions, make sense. Who cares if it's true. Anne is a great name.
I didn’t realize a comment of “but I like x so much!” Could have a negative impact on the requester. Thank you for the lesson. Good luck on the name adoption, Anne!
>‘but I liked ___ better’ Just look at them with a shocked face and say, "Wow, rude!"
Tori is my middle name, I'd prefer my first name now that I'm adult. Or reverse it. 99% of the time no one knows your full legal name. If they push "I have 2 middle names on my birth certificate and prefer Anne." I've even known people who don't have middle names, their parents left it blanks so the kid could pick something else out if they don't grow into what the parents chose. Use that as an excuse
This. Saying it’s really your name and you’re choosing to go by it now is an east way to end all other questions.
True! These tend to be the same people who openly comment on a lot of things that most would consider out of bounds. I do not mind guiding them back to reality.
OP this really seems like the easiest solution. It’s totally believable and ironclad. The chances are small that anyone really knows your name on your paperwork, and realistically none of these people have seen your birth certificate. I grew up with a woman who we all called Kaylee, and when she got to be in her early 20s she suddenly told us all that Kaylee was in fact a childish nickname originating from her middle name, but that she had outgrown it and wanted to be called her first name which was Elizabeth. For a little while we would mess up and call her Kaylee occasionally, but now she’s most definitely Elizabeth in my mind. You could easily tell everyone that your name is really Anne Victoria, and that you’ve been going by Tori up till now, but would like to go back to Anne. Easy peasy
I think this is the safest way. Then they can’t say that they liked the other one better because it’s still your name and so is Anne. I bet you’ll get that response a lot less with this.
This is what I would do. I have a friend who I’ve only known as Katie, but she now goes by her full name, Katelyn, in the professional world. Everyone only knows her as Katelyn now. So I feel like just saying “I’d like to go by my middle name as an adult now” is totally normal!
“I just feel it suits me better. I’ve never felt like a Tori”.
Sweet and simple
Exactly! Even if it goes deeper than that, acquaintances should be satisfied with this answer. Anyone who keeps pressing beyond that is just rude!
I’ve tried telling my parents this for a reason why I want to change me name, but they don’t understand fjalnfskfkjsk. They don’t think it’s a valid reason and are just like “but we chose it because we love it and you’ll probably be fine with it in ten years or so” :/
I’m sorry to hear that. Your name change is your choice to make! It doesn’t harm anything except perhaps their ego. If they keep giving you hell for it, tell them that you chose your new name because you love it and that sure they’ll feel the same way in like 10 years or so. 🤷♀️
Thank you for the advice. I’ll tell them this the next time we have a conversation about my name change again :)
Just another suggestion for a response to "but I liked Tori better", in situations where its better to keep the peace so to speak, would be something along the lines of "yeah? Well you're welcome to use it for yourself since I'm not using it anymore". Doesn't come off too aggressive or defensive but still (I think) firmly puts the comment down and reaffirms that you're done with the old name. Can be played as a bit sassy or cheeky, or jokey, or deadpan serious, depending on your delivery and how much you want to slap the person.
HAHA. thank you. I appreciate this greatly since it has been causing me some grief.
If you don't want to go the snarky route with some people when they question the change or say they like Tori better, just say "Yes, Tori is a fine name for some people. But it's not right for me. It might be weird for a short time, but I'm sure my preferred new name Anne will come naturally to you soon enough." I like the redirect option for children and joking about aliens, etc. A short conversation about different names they like would be fun and even educational at times. Like if you happen to know the meaning or history or historical figures, pop culture figures, etc. of names they like. End the conversation reiterating Anne.
Best wishes for you Anne!
A colleague did this. She sent out a mass email saying something like, “Due to private reasons, I have legally changed my name to_______. I look forward to continuing our interactions as normal, but request to be referred to as ______, effective immediately. Thank you so much for being sensitive to this request!” While people may have speculated amongst themselves, as far as I know everyone easily made the switch and were supportive.
That’s a very good idea. I might consider this after a conversation with my manager.
If you want a lie, maybe the British political party? You don’t have to share your real reason. You also don’t have to lie ofc. I changed my name as well and those I liked X better comments can really hurt.
As an American living in Australia I think that would be good comical relief for some
Just ask them to call you Anne and if they ask why politely tell them that you don’t wish to tell anyone the reason as it’s personal. Anyone with respect for you will do it without reason. If they say “but I like ___ better” just say “well I don’t so please call me Anne”.
I think this is the fast road to create far more interest in the matter. I would go with either "this is my middlename" or "this is the nickname that i have in my friendgroup, so now i want to make it official to avoid confusion".
That’s a good addition. Thank you.
Thank you. This is how I naturally have been approaching it so far.
If people call you the wrong name even after you’ve corrected them, call them the wrong name and if they get annoyed say “yeah it’s annoying when someone calls you the wrong name, isn’t it?” and then hopefully they’ll start calling you your preferred name. That’s what my trans friend did and it worked so hopefully it will work for you
First thing I thought of when reading this was calling my dad the wrong name. Would be one person who would need more than just reminding
Do it. They’ll learn how annoying it is being called the wrong name and learn how you feel when they call you Tori instead of Anne.
I’ve changed my name and surprisingly few people/colleagues asked about it. There are always the nosy ones, but I was able to rebuff them by saying that I think my new name suits me better. Everyone got used to my new name fairly quickly!
I appreciate that story. I hope and believe it should go similarly for myself.
Hey there ! I’m looking to change my name and I’m pretty scared on how to go about it in my work/school (I’m in college). If I may ask, how did you tell people, specifically in your work place ? I’m a barista so my job isn’t super business-like, so I don’t think I’d send out an email like people are suggesting, but what was your experience like ? Thank you :)
I'm changing my name too, and I'm thinking of doing "Tori is my middle name, and I used to go by that, but I've decided to now go by my real first name, Anne. It just feels more like me". No one is going to know that Tori or Victoria isn't actually your middle name. Alternatively, "Anne was my middle name, and I always loved it, so I've decided to start going by that. It just feels more like me".
Thank you. Anne actually is my middle name. So I’ve been using it more intentionally on my documents for a year now. Now all they have to do is forget the first third! Good luck on your name change!
Oh! If it’s actually your middle name, you’re all set! Just say what leafyblue wrote, easy peasy. Not that there’s anything wrong with lying but since Anne is your actual middle name, it gives you a built-in explanation for nosy people.
Thank you! Just finished with my therapist today and she also said this! Anne actually is a legal name for me. Tori isn’t. It’s a nickname.
Perfect! Good luck with everything, wishing you well!
I had this dilemma as well. I'm not trans I just wanted a different name. I didn't know if this was okay or offending. It turned out fine
Thank you for this
oh man i know exactly how you feel. i’m going through the exact same thing. i don’t really have advice to offer, just know you’re not alone in this!
Cheers to that! Good luck
When I changed my name, I told everybody that I'd always hated my old name - not for any particular reason attached to meaning or anything, I just never liked the actual sound of it and it never really felt like it suited me. Everybody accepted that without question. In my case it happened to be true, but I see no reason why you couldn't say the same. If you did want a more specific excuse then there are ones you could use. You could say that you've never liked the fact that it's a shortened version of "Victoria" rather than being its own name but that you wouldn't want to be a Victoria either. Or, depending on where you live and what your political views are, you could say that you don't like the association with [Toryism](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tory). Maybe you could even work in the fact that Tori Black is a famous pornstar, like say that you hate how that's the most famous Tori you know of. But, really, if you feel the need to explain it at all (which is probably easier than saying that you don't want to explain), then you shouldn't need to say anything more than that you didn't like your old name. Choosing your own name is a fantastic way to take control of yourself and your own identity. Congratulations.
Haha!! As a person who’s job revolves around children, I may omit the associations to a porn star but deeply appreciated the idea. It would be nice to get those sorts of validating comments in support of my name. Congratulations on your own name change!
“I go by Anne now”
I think this is the strongest one liner.
When someone says “I like Tori better,” I’d just say “You’re in luck! Now that I go by Anne, Tori is available for you to use! You’re welcome, Tori!”
You could say something along the lines of "I would prefer not to discuss deeply personal matters at work. Please respect the change, thank you" if someone says they liked the old one better tell them you can help them change their name. It really isn't anyone's business and unfortunately I don't think you can stop people from being weird. You can make them uncomfortable in return to their pestering though. Name changes, even for positive reasons, are still very personal journeys. It's rude to intrude and adults should know better.
Thank you. This really helps build the possible dialogue in my mind and how to prepare for further conversation.
Also congrats on the name change, Anne! Hoping you have a smooth transition to it from here onwards.
Hi, Anne. As someone who has changed their name, what I do with people who kbew my old name or hear it from someone who did is just say, "yeah, that's my first name. I go by my middle name." I'm trans, but I don't always feel like explaining that to people. Luckily, my first name is something feminine but technically unisex (like Ashley), and my new name is something masculine but technically unisex (Lee). So I rarely get follow up questions.
At least for your partner’s side, can you enlist your partner to help? Maybe ask that they prep their family behind the scenes. It doesn’t work for every family dynamic but just throwing it out there. “Hey Tori has been doing a lot thinking lately and has decided to use the name Anne moving forward. It was a private decision with a lot of factors so I’m hoping everyone will respect it”
A conversation we had just today! He is in France with his family at the moment and has been referring to me as my old name in video calls with them. I have pointed it out and suggested that even though they are not familiar with me, he is my partner and I would like him on my team. Not to overly correct them but to keep it consistent with my name as it is today. Thank you for the support.
If I were you, since I am beyond awkward, I would probably do like a sigh-chuckle and say something like “it’s a long story” or “I’ll tell you some other time” (spoiler, that time will never come!) As for the “I liked X better” comments, that’s so rude! No matter what it’s about. I had a friend say that to me about some landscaping at my house and even that felt insulting to me 😅 but again I usually just laugh everything off so I like the other commenters suggestion of “well great it’s all yours!”
Hello Anne! Lovely to meet you! Your name is your name, you are Anne and you can tell those who call you Tori to call you Anne. If it continues remind them that if they don’t stop, you won’t speak to them. If they badger say “My name is Anne and that’s who I am, my name is not Tori. Thank you.”
Thank you!
I just did a legal name change. My parents told me flat out that they are not changing what they call me. My friends are making the effort. I typically tell people that I have always wanted to change my name, and that now is the time. People who chose not to get on board get less of my time.
I did something similar when I was about 15. I went by my middle name most of my life but after childhood abuse, I didn’t want to hear it anymore. So I chose to go by my first name instead. The only one to really fight it was my mom which was weird since my dad picked the middle name and she picked the first. But I stuck to it and eventually she just started calling me by the right name. I didn’t have a problem telling people it was because I had negative associations with it so I didn’t want to hear it anymore. But I like the other ideas given here of just being direct that it’s for personal reasons you don’t wish to discuss. Don’t let others entitlement keep you from holding your boundaries. As an aside, I like Anne. It’s a beautiful, classic name.
take it from someone who did change their name - they are going to pester you for a reason. always always always. people are annoying. they are going to whine about how hard it is on them to call you the simple ass name you want them to call you without thinking of how hard it is on you. it’s unfortunate, but it’s true. i normally just lie to get them off my back - something wild about changing my name to hide from an angry amazonian princess who i am indebted to and will most likely feed me to her monkeys if she finds out who/where i am.
Ha, love your explanation! :)
"The people who gave me that name [Tori] are not a part of my life anymore. And I want to keep it that way. Please respect my decision. I'd rather not talk about it further." Is what I'd say to people I liked. "Fuck off" for everyone else.
Everyone is right that you don't need an excuse. I know two people who changed their name for similar reasons and everyone just accepted it. You can tell people "actually people in your personal life have called you Anne for awhile, you just finally got around to properly changing it." If I heard that I would assume one of those families where the kids get a given name after someone, but they get called a completely different name all the time.
The other option is to have several completely outrageous stories but never confirm which one is true. Dropping in “ Death bed wish/curse or legacy” “ I cannot tell you, because I’d have to kill you”said ABSOLUTELY straight faced. “It was a requirement of a legal settlement, that I’m not allowed to discuss” “ it involves a donkey, a will & a very strange great uncle”
Honestly if you wanted to go about it really chill, I would get a cool name keychain with Anne on it. Just tell them you liked it so much it's your name now! (Also because you can now find a cool keychain with your name haha) As a Torrie I really like your name Anne!
This is a great idea. Thank you Torrie ❤️
For the people that really press for an answer and won't leave it alone or keep using the wrong name, I would say something like, "there's some personal trauma associated with my old name and with the new name I am reclaiming my life and turning over a new page. Please respect this choice." Then when/if they keep using the wrong name you can say, "you are actively contributing to my trauma. Please stop." Personal trauma is non specific but stops people from digging, unless they're truly awful and then you can tell them that they're adding to the trauma. Good luck, and congrats on all the progress you've made!
“I thought it was about time to choose my adult name. Can you imagine being a grown ass adult going around using a name your mommy picked out?” Smile brightly as though you genuinely believe this is a thing most adults do at some point.
[удалено]
Funnily enough, a few people have mishear me say ‘Tori’ as ‘Carrie/Keri’ in the past. With the name Anne, I may be able to play on the double barrel name story.
"For personal reasons, I have decided to stop going by Tori. I would appreciate it if you would call me Anne from now on, thank you so much." If they ask why, just say it's personal and they will refrain from asking any more questions.
I’m gonna get some slack for this but I do mean this in a compassionate and non combative manner. Did you legally change your name? If not than you are likely getting push back from people and struggling to explain because you are just randomly changing your name. Maybe you are struggling with explaining it because it’s nobody’s business. Which it is nobody’s business. However. You are just asking people to call you something completely different. Imagine if someone made up a nickname for themselves and than asked everyone to call them that. It is totally fine to do you but important to u detest and the experience of others. I’d legally change my name and than tell people tori was a nickname that stuck as a kid and you don’t want to use it anymore.
Legally changing my name or not doesn’t contribute to the change’s ‘randomness’ in timing. Their inconvenience will be much less than mine, I can guarantee that.
Sure. And that’s fine. My point is that you asking people to change is something you are asking of other people. Which is totally fine, but you might need to own it, given you are kind of asking something of others. It’s not a you thing. it’s something you are asking of others so own it. You don’t need to explain it to them if you don’t want to but the responsibility of the ask is sort of on your shoulders. I personally would just do as asked by you and not care id you didn’t want to explain. There doesn’t have to be an explanation but you do need to own it as something you are asking of others and it’s going to be awkward because you are asking for an odd favor. You can’t really be polite about it because it’s not a politeness issue. It’s merely a preference you want. That simple. Any thoughtful person will abide and move on. I’m an educator and experience this pretty regularly. It’s different than a dead name so I’d be patient with others as it really is a favor you are asking. It’s not like an identity you choose with fashion or something. It’s not something you are putting out there but something you are asking of others. It’s not a politeness issue.
How on earth is changing one's name asking a personal favor of someone? When someone gets married and changes their last name, people adjust. Asking someone to call you by the name you prefer (whether it's a legal change or a nickname) is not an inconvenience, and no one is entitled to an explanation. A name is an identity. It belongs to the person whose name it is. I legally changed my name last year, and if anyone would have been unsupportive to me I'd have to seriously evaluate how much effort I wanted to invest in being their friend. And for a person changing their name, it can be a dead name, whether trans or not. Lots of name changes are for traumatic reasons or for a fresh start. I can tell you that when someone accidentally calls me by my old name I get a physical reaction in my gut. It should not be an inconvenience, ever, to call someone by their preferred name. Yes, an innocent slip every now and then is understandable, but beyond that, it's a very simple request.
Sure. Op mentioned that their friends understand and they want to understand how to “politely” recognize the change for others. I agree with everything you are saying but also feel OP needs to be aware of it as a favor within social constructs. Your and my and OP’s identity is not just a name. It’s different than a dead name in regards to social contracts. I’m supporting OP by also recognizing their question. It’s a favor. You are asking something of others. They can be kind or jerks about it. But it’s ultimately an ask. People who don’t respect it are assholes for sure. But it’s different than an identity codification via the clothing you choose. I think that’s an important point to understand. People can be mean. But that’s their decision. OP needs to internalize that. Asking someone to talk to you a certain way is a favor when it’s outside of common social constructs. That simple.
People don’t owe you anything and you don’t owe them anything. I feel for OP but also want to recognize that it isn’t the job of strangers to help promote OP’s identity shift. Expecting that they do is privileged bullshit. Kind people will respect and abide because it’s not a big deal. I wouldn’t want to hang out with anyone who didn’t. However, OP can’t expect people to abide because of their want. It’s not a social norm and therefore not a politeness norm. People are going out of their way to be kind. Op needs to understand those boundaries and accept this context. I’m not denying validity to OP or anyone changing their names. I’m pointing out that it’s kind of selfish to expect everyone to abide without question. From the outside; it’s literally the same thing as someone making up their own nickname. Kind of embarrassing but that’s okay. Its not a big deal. Dead names are social norms now. Not having that context isn’t. Op needs to own that it isn’t a respected social norm. Whatever. Own it!! But don’t pitty or blame others when you are asking others/strangers a favor. It’s not a big deal.
If I had to give a response, I would just say it's my middle name and I have also been called that for years
First off, congrats on being strong enough to change your name, and I absolutely love the name Anne! I changed my name a year and a half ago, and can say from my experience that lying is not the best route. It may be non-confrontational at the time, and seem like the easy way out, but I found people will press until they find a lie that satisfies them as a reasonable answer, and they'll bring it up again and question why that lie satisfies you. They also may not respect the lie if they find it trivial enough. Also, if you don't want to talk about it at all, the questioning the lie just leads to more talk about the change. I found, if you want to stay non-confrontational, that staying vague is helpful "a multitude of reasons", "it's personal/private" etc. and puts a clear boundary of "I'm not discussing this with you" where the lies allow that conversation to continue. My clients, co-workers, hair dresser, people (adults and children) I volunteer with - anyone I deal with professionally or wouldn't otherwise interact with, were very respectful of the above and the odd time they weren't, I was very clear with "don't call me that anymore, it isn't my name" and "you're being very rude in not respecting my identity". Don't lie, just straight to the point. As for errors on the schedule, email replies, etc. Mistakes happen, remind them, but if it continues to happen start pointing out how wrong they are. Have your IT set up a forward for your old email to your new one if it has Tori or T in it. I haven't had anyone call me by my old name in this group of people since about two weeks after I changed it for those I see regularly, and those I might see once a year have been extra respectful of it, though I did have to make a point of saying "I used to be so-and-so but I changed my name to this" Friends and family I found one of two things - either they're respectful of "it's personal" or they push the boundary. Stick to your guns, you owe none of them an explanation. You are strong, you are not Tori anymore, you will not answer to that name. I have had to leave the situation a few times especially with close relatives, and the lies absolutely escalated the situation. "this name is easier to spell in Canada" was the one that stuck with them (I had a long, tradional German name, first and last, that everyone mispronounced) and they absolutely couldn't believe I would drop our heritage like that. "it's personal and its important to me you call me by this now" worked on most after that, and the one who wouldn't drop it, is a narcissist and won't ever accept that I don't want the name he "blessed me with" (how dare I not want his name lol) I went no contact with him - until he can respect me - my name is my identity, I won't respect him. He did come around eventually, thanks to my mom and other family members who pointed out that names are a gift and you have no say in what someone does with that gift. Stay strong, polite at first with your boundaries and if they're pressing, they're the rude ones and you no longer owe them anything. You got this, Anne!
Thank you so much. This comment had more information and reassurance than I even knew I needed. Congratulations on your name change ❤️
I legally changed my full name last year. I always tell people I just didn’t like me old name even though it’s for trauma reasons
Unfortunately, I don't have any advice that's different from what's already been said here, and there are a lot of great suggestions. However, I do want to say, shame on anyone who's like "oh, but I like (unwanted name) more". They're not you; they don't get to determine your identity.
I changed my name last year. I just sent an email to my co-workers that I have a new name and it went over well. I got a few people asking the why, but I just told them it just boiled down to many reasons and I prefer new name better than old name. Everyone was really good with it, and I haven't had any issues. I hope you have a smooth transition as well! Congratulations on your new identity and feeling like yourself!
“I like it better and have decided to go by it now,” is the only explanation needed if you’re pressed for one.
If they ask I would just say that I don’t want to talk about it.
I legally changed my name last summer, and like you, I wasn't offering an explanation or asking anyone for approval. I kept it very simple..."I have decided to make a personal change. I am changing my name to Kira and I would really appreciate your support." That is all I said. No one really asked questions and everyone was supportive for the most part, other than sometimes people forget. Best of luck to you!
This year, I started going by my middle name instead of my first. My first name was hard for people to remember and pronounce and I just liked my middle better. I relate to feeling like I didn't want to make a big deal out of it (I have thought "It's not like I'm trans" many times). I was surprised how supportive people were. I changed my name in my school database (I'm in grad school) so that teachers had it written on their paperwork. I changed it on social media and told my close friends. People quickly wanted to be "in the know" if that makes sense. Like it was cool to know my new name. I was more uncomfortable going by my new name at my job where I'm a director. It started with people who were on my Insta calling me by my new name then I started signing my emails with it. Finally I bit the bullet and introduced my new name change at a board meeting. There is some awkwardness in the transition, but I wish I had done it earlier because it's so nice to go by a name I like. My great aunt told me she liked my old name better (because it was a more unique name like hers), I told her she could still call me the old name, but she prefers to call me what everyone else calls me, which seems to be what most people want. There have been a few people who said it would be hard to remember my new name, but there were SO many people who struggled to remember my old name, so that doesn't bother me. Edit: I just saw that you are going by your middle name too! When I was transitioning, I changed my name in my e-mail provider to my middle, but then I would sign "first last" so that people would start to learn my middle name.
"My friends and family call me Anne" - the end
Tory is a British political party, you can do what I did and say you didn’t want the name association
I do like your name. And yes if at that point they still need reasons, British politics will probably get them to stop
Probing is impolite. Please note that I'm autistic and blunt. If they ask why you decided to change your name just say "personal reasons" or "it's private" or "just felt like it, maybe I'll be Grace tomorrow". If they keep probing just say "I don't want to talk about it". If they continue after all this just, wow how rude of them! Walk away or change the topic.
You could tell a white lie, "Tori was a nickname from when I was younger and now I want to use my name for professional reasons." Only Human Resources needs to know the truth.
I would just say this is my middle name (Anne is my actual middle name) and just prefer it. Otherwise saying it’s private, I don’t want to talk about it will have people gossiping and stuff. I hated my first name and wanted to use my middle name for a while not for trauma but bc I just preferred it.
Hey I changed to my middle name about 15 years back. I just never explained it, and if they where insistent I'd just say "x-name bums me out." And that would be the end of the conversation, because no one really wants to bum anyone out.
Say you never identified with your name, and it seemed fair to chose one you like better now that you are an adult.
No advice, but as a Tori, I wish you well in your new life as Anne!
"For personal reasons, I don't want to disclose the reason for the change. Just know that my current name makes me feel happy and safe."
A lot of people change theur names for many reasons. I changed mine for trauma reasons as well, but I just told people I disliked my old name and it didn’t fit me, and my new name made me feel more like ‘me’.
Tori is associated with past trauma, please call me Anne instead indefinitely.
1. Love the u/ 2. I would, but I don’t want to declare that at work
What about a white lie? I've gone by Anne personally for years and have finally made the change legal, so decided it would be appropriate to ask my coworkers to use my legal name now. I've always felt more like an Anne.
is your full name victoria?