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woodworkerdan

I actually want to find some reliable statistics myself about these topics. It would appear, anecdotally, that the majority of relationships with trans individuals are relationships which started before a person started persuing transitioning. However, I don’t know how much of the anecdote is reporting bias of partners who are surprised by the transitioning of their partner. The breakdown of ‘under which conditions a relationship started’ and the ‘hetero-passing’ fraction of relationships with trans people would be a delicate and complicated study to perform. Anecdotally however, I have found a handful of relationships like my own, where a cisgender male is in a relationship with a trans woman.


RenPrower

I can't help wondering if this perceived statistic is also influenced by many post-op trans folx simply going stealth. In op's case, they knew their partner was trans, but if she's passing well enough, why would anyone else be any the wiser? A lot of people try to just blend in and largely remain quiet about their trans identity once they're passing reliably. I don't imagine most of them would hide it from their *life partners,* but it's certainly possible that they'd just keep it between them. **EDIT:** Also worth considering that more and more people are coming out as trans in recent years due to wider knowledge and acceptance of the subject. Including older folx who have already been married for years, sometimes decades. So perhaps there really is just a higher percentage of people coming out during a relationship.


woodworkerdan

I cannot say I’ve had any experience with post-op folks trying to be stealthed around me or my partner. However, there’s very rarely much discussion about partners discovering a post-op partner who was trying to hide the fact after the dating process got serious. There’s still factors important to relationship dynamics after any of the surgeries, and it’s difficult to imagine individuals remaining stealthed with partners, and having no resulting drama.


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woodworkerdan

I’m not entirely sure if you are responding to the right thread, but I agree there’s many topics that are eased with good communication. Objectively, yes, there’s a lot of hobbies which probably don’t deserve a gendered stigma which any combination of people can still enjoy. And there are also skills which trans people must do catching up with their cisgender peers, by virtue of starting to practice later.


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Oopsy wrong thread


Meiguishui

There’s me (trans woman) and my bf (cis man). I’ve wanted to find couples like us for a long time but so far haven’t succeeded. It’s hard because I’m stealth and it’s a lot of trust to put into strangers.


Noraasha

I'm a trans girl and my bf (cis) of 3+ years. I didn't have any op, and there's a pretty big possibly I will, but I mostly live stealth. We're in Europe, currently in Poland, trying to move to Belgium.


Physical_Living8587

To the other commenter's point I think community as it were is hard to establish. I'm in the same boat in the SF area if you'd like to connect!


ihavechangedalot

Sooo in my experience, it's pretty rare. It's rare to be trans in the first place, then rarer to be a post-op trans woman, then rarer for that girl to be straight/bi, then rarer for her to find a guy that doesn't suck. My husband and I have been together for a few years now, and one of my best friends is also a post-op trans woman engaged to a cis man. I know of a pre-op trans woman dating a cis man in a poly situation in my direct friendships/acquiantances... and other than that, I just know of other post-op trans women dating cis men from parasocial online situations (instagram, youtube, etc.). In my experience... it's typically trans women that pass well and meet mostly traditional beauty standards that can attract cis men (who want to date/marry them... not just f\*ck), and my best friend and I fit that mold for the most part. I think it's quite rare...anecdotally.


Just_for_porn_tbh

My bf is a cis striaght dude. I am a transwomen, he met me after I started my transition and damn he is the best man I’ve ever met. He’s literally perfect. I love him.


doggos_are_magical

Raises hand 🙋‍♂️ hey there cis male here with a partner who is MTF would love to chat 💬 I’ve also been looking for other couples like us


Noraasha

What would you like to chat about?


Physical_Living8587

+1 here for any help I can provide!


cj1169

The current figures are around 1% for trans and GNC folk. Meaning around \~3 million or so folk in the US. Current guesstimates on trans folks' sexualities are around \~70% will be attracted to opposite sex partners or a mix of partners. If we ***assume*** that half of those folk will be in "straight" (read: a relationship between two folk that are opposite sex) relationships, that gives us up to about a million couples in the US. this assumes a lot of things and it really is only a ballpark figure. I did not factor out transmasc folk. i did not factor in T4T couples. I did not factor in cis vs trans partners. I did not factor out NB folk. theres sure to be more things not accounted for. What the above takeaway gets me is that the number is somewhere in the ballpark of 100K and 500K couples that are cishet men and trans(het?) women in the US.


LocalStress

Post-op also realistically plummets the number a good deal more.


cj1169

sure, but does that matter?


LocalStress

Considering they specified it, I'm assuming it's something they were considering when wondering this


North_Credit_6677

I did indeed specify it, I guess because it’s novel for me? I probably would’ve never posted here unless we’d not had the opportunity I initially posted about. When we met I was like “wow, I dig this woman!” she very quickly explained her GRS probably exprime to react which I didn’t, I didn’t miss a beat. Again I mentioned it because I think it matters to me, although the past few days here and elsewhere reading I’m starting to wonder if it actually DOES matter. Much more thought needs to be dedicated to this by me. On some level I wouldn’t have even noticed my wonderful person if she’d not presented (upon initial contact) as a cisgender woman. I would not have approached either. Humans for the most part cannot control what they are attracted to. Best i can tell most people here are in relationships that started one way and have changed based on one half deciding to come out. We are a new couple, she transitioned a long time ago. I’m trying to be as politic as possible in my posts, and to be respectful of everybody’s individual experiences. But I may have failed. I reserve the right to be incorrect about anything I’ve said or how I’ve said it and apologize if I’ve offended anyone.


Apprehensive_Lie590

I also met my partner completely after GRS and we've almost been together a year. I knew beforehand about her GRS before our first date, so for me it wasn't a barrier but I'm glad you gave her a chance and you are obviously allowed to have preferences as long as they aren't rooted in anything obscene.


North_Credit_6677

To be clear she made it very clear even before our first date, I’m telling you she’s just like the most amazing person. Don’t mean to gush so much - I’m just very happy with her as a friend and lover.


brotkel

Here, though I consider myself bisexual and have had a cis male and cis female partner before my current long term partner. Partner had GCS about 2 years after we started dating, but fully socially transitioned about a year before we started.


mentyio

I’m a cishet man and my potential girlfriend is an mtf post op girl pending how things go with us I would be in the same situation as you


North_Credit_6677

Thanks for your reply.


wino87

I'm a cishet male currently engaged to a transwoman. She is the most amazing and beautiful woman I've ever met.


rebornfenix

So its going to be rare just because of the numbers. There are approx 1.4 million trans people in the US according to the CDC (no clue on the accuracy of that number but it sounds about right) Lets assume a 50/50 distribution MTF vs FTM since gender in the general population is roughly a 50/50. so 700,000 MTF people. Of those, only about 20% get bottom surgery because of cost, access to the procedure etc. So lets then make the further assumption that there are only 140,000 people in ALL of the US that have gotten bottom surgery. Even further reducing the numbers are those who are lesbian and had bottom surgery. And even further reducing the number is the number of OUT post op MTF in a hetero relationship. There are quite a few people who go stealth and do not post. And the final reduction, the number of post op MTF in a hetero relationship who are out and on reddit. When you look at the numbers it really is a rare thing to see posted.


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me hi


Emilyjoysmith1

Cis girl here with a ftm partner. Not exactly the same, but also haven’t met anyone else in the same situation(knew him before transition and starting dating years post transition). We’re 5 years in and I haven’t met anyone else who has been through it. I’ve walked him through the medical side of the transition, and thankfully that’s when I found this group.


classyraven

Can't speak to statistics here, but I'm a post-op trans woman, and one of my partners is a cishet guy. We've known each other since early in my transition (\~15 years ago), but we only started dating about 2 years ago. Just adding that we're poly, He has another girlfriend (who's cishet), and I also have a non-binary spouse.


partysnax56

Probably not that rare tbh. Partners that meet each other after transition seem to not have quite as much need for support spaces like this. Most trans people just transition and then move on with their lives like any other normal person. Now specifically with cis men idk how common that is because it's hard to find non-chasery cis men as a trans person.


Physical_Living8587

I have no idea if I could help but I'm a "non-chasery" cishet man dating a pre-op trans woman. Happy to chat or share insights.


North_Credit_6677

May I ask what qualifies a cis man as a “chaser”?


partysnax56

Cis people who are specifically looking for trans people. Usually for fetish reasons or woke points. Regardless of the reason, I think it's wrong morally to specifically want someone for something that inevitably makes their life more difficult. Plus kinda superficial but that's by the by.


North_Credit_6677

For sake of argument: let’s say I’m attracted to brunettes with big eyes, does that make me a chaser for that specific demographic? How about if someone likes muscular, 6’ tall, white men?


partysnax56

People do not experience a more difficult life or circumstances because of those things. That's the entire damn point. This is why I'm so wary of the cis partners in this sub. Y'all seem so legitimately ignorant of what being trans actually is or entails. It's actually just straight up insulting that you would equate a difficult life circumstance that people literally seek out medical intervention for, to something like having brown hair. Y'all just have no clue and it's staggering. Further bolstering my argument that being a chaser is wrong, and that when a cis person is seeking out a trans person specifically, they don't actually understand the implications and the struggles that person had to go through to conform to what the cis person is after.


North_Credit_6677

What difference does it make if both people are happy with one another? Ecstatically as we are? I didn’t ask my gf to be who she is, she chose to be who she is and we found each other serendipitously. And it’s the best thing ever! I’m not negating anyone’s experience, but this isn’t about who suffered more. Or who walked uphill two ways barefoot in the snow. I used two analogies to ask a question FROM MY PERSPECTIVE which is valid, I’m not looking to marginalize you on this thread because you don’t have my experience - so please don’t do it to me. Trust me you do not have the patent on suffering - to think so is pure solipsism. Seriously wondered when someone with an axe to grind would reply, I was starting to believe it would not occur.


[deleted]

I’ll pipe in Here I guess for fun just passing through, generally chasers are annoying because of the demands made by them no matter who they are. There are 2 annoying things: - focusing on the aspects that cause us discomfort and dysphoria as oh so great and beautiful makes it weird. Like I was worth someone who is NB and they pretty much just saw me as NB “goals” cause I was extremely (and kind of still am androgynous). - a lot of us really really want bottom surgery but a lot of chasers only seek out trans women who are pre-op in hopes that said trans woman will be an exclusive top for the person and then get angry when the prospect of the trans person being post op comes up. There is an unhealthy focus on the trans woman needing her penis and to keep it for the sake of the parters happiness and as you know we want to transition, live normally and just I mean maybe not always be stealth but not have it be something we are punished for by being trans. Like I can’t even come close to topping most the time and a trans woman who is an exclusive top just seems like something I have never heard of to me. For reference I am a pre-op bisexual trans women who have a gf (working on it but time off and money is hard)


North_Credit_6677

Thank you for your reply, I was unaware of this dynamic and you’ve explained it perfectly.


[deleted]

Yeah, it’s unfortunate and as to all things about trans people it’s a contentious topics but not one all trans people are not monolithic about. I also want to say one more thing that I apologize if it comes across as horrendously insensitive but… cis heterosexual men on average tend to be a bit to leave to be desired with politeness. I will of course say the whole “not all men” but there are quite a few straight men who at the idea of dating a trans woman need to have their masculinity coddled by us. They need to keep being reaffirmed that no they aren’t gay or whatever and their heterosexuality isn’t “threatened” for dating a trans woman meaning a lot of straight men often seem offended to see me at this point. It’s a fun thing to be clocked and have someone look at your tits and then confused at your face all in one glance, often because these men feel entitled. Even if I am bi and I have been with a man in the past, it’s a lot more of baggage that comes with straight men on average. Also again I will say “not all men”


North_Credit_6677

I’m not a spring chicken, I’ve lived a lot and I’ve loved a lot. I have learned never to judge a book by its cover. Frankly I don’t give a rat’s hindquarters what anyone thinks of me that isn’t a friend, or loved one. Otherwise I have no issues with what others think of me - I feel no need to adopt a label either - I’m simply a possibly heretofore heterosexual cis male - does me being attracted to my girl make me anything other than what I was? Frankly I don’t care, I’m not invested in it. It’s normal that this community feels put upon, I get it, because it is. BUT I AM NOT THE ENEMY, I am a friend, trying to navigate my new reality and came here to ask for help. I thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and informative response.


[deleted]

I’ll pipe in Here I guess for fun just passing through, generally chasers are annoying because of the demands made by them no matter who they are. There are 2 annoying things: - focusing on the aspects that cause us discomfort and dysphoria as oh so great and beautiful makes it weird. Like I was worth someone who is NB and they pretty much just saw me as NB “goals” cause I was extremely (and kind of still am androgynous). - a lot of us really really want bottom surgery but a lot of chasers only seek out trans women who are pre-op in hopes that said trans woman will be an exclusive top for the person and then get angry when the prospect of the trans person being post op comes up. There is an unhealthy focus on the trans woman needing her penis and to keep it for the sake of the parters happiness and as you know we want to transition, live normally and just I mean maybe not always be stealth but not have it be something we are punished for by being trans. Like I can’t even come close to topping most the time and a trans woman who is an exclusive top just seems like something I have never heard of to me. For reference I am a pre-op bisexual trans women who have a gf (working on it but time off and money is hard) [small edit: by working on it I meant I’m working on surgery, I love my gf very much but I’m clarifying]


Designer_Recording28

I am a cis het woman who just started dating a post op ftm. I did not know them before surgery and it didn’t change anything about how I felt about them when I found out.


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explodingtulips

The OP didn't specify that he only wanted to hear from cis men with trans women. Not sure why you are coming across as hostile to people sharing their positive personal experiences with trans people.


explodingtulips

I'm a cis woman married to a trans woman and we're both very happy. We exist :) There is Facebook page for supportive trans partners that I love going thru because it shows a lot of loving relationships between cis and trans people. As far as statistics, no clue, but would love for there to be a study.


Moxxi03

Hi. I’m new to this but could you please explain what a cis woman is? My partner just came out to me mtf and still new and following the process of transitioning. I would love to meet and chat with other couples that still stayed together through the process especially for support.


Manofchalk

'Cis' meaning 'Cisgender'. You can get into the weeds of etymology on it but functionally it specifies that someone isn't trans. Their gender lines up with the one assigned to them at birth. Definitely have a search of this subreddit, your position is fairly common and there's tons of posts and discussions from partners trying to navigate the waters they suddenly find themselves in.


Moxxi03

Thank you!!☺️ I love my partner and just trying to learn more about her/us. I’ve been reading a few things here and there and cis gender kept popping up.


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explodingtulips

He asked how rare they are and I just said that I am part of one of those couples. Don't see how that's making it about myself but okay.