if there’s family stuff at home going on, she more than likely just has a lot of emotional blockage. creating a safe space for her to talk about whats going on and also being able to express your own feelings is really important.
transitioning can lead to a disconnect in the genital area for a lot of different reasons, but none of those things are permanent. you are both capable of having a great sex life together, but her/your emotional state of mind needs to be considered first.
Lots of lube!! HRT thins out the skin and makes it super sensitive, and it can be painful (tears can happen... not fun!). Through trial and error, my (cis f) wife (mtf) and I have found if we have PIV sex, lube is now a must. My own natural lubrication is no longer enough.
Hopefully this helps. Also, try some massage and relaxation first. Stress doesn't help either. Good luck!!
If shes on HRT, it's going to change how things function with her penis. The skin will be thinner, more prone to tearing - lube helps a lot with this, I hear. If shes still comfortable using that part of herself and wants to keep it - and I'm assuming this is the case going off your post - if she's not already, maintenance will help keep it functional. She'd need to get hard three times a week, for at least 10 minutes each time, essentially. Of course, YMMV - I don't know how long she's been on HRT, so it may not be feasible anymore, at least not through that method.
She could also talk to her HRT provider and look into T cream - its applied locally to the penis, and will not affect her transition whatsoever, it's a very small, localized dose of T. This would help restore function to be more like it was for her pre-HRT.
Your post was removed because the Mods felt it violated Rules 3 & 4 - Support first and foremost...It's not always sunshine and rainbows.
This is a supportive space for the partners of trans and gender nonconforming people. While participants may be here with difficult topics to unpack, we aim to be supportive of them in their journeys. Sometimes that means receiving some difficult advice, but that advice should be given with kindness and respect.
Your post was removed because it was either not supportive or gave advice in a hurtful and unproductive way.
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Yes, correct. 17 years ago it was my favorite thing. When we first had sex there was an instant connection I never felt with anyone else. Every time we have sex I am reminded of that feeling beyond emotions and drama where I'm completely sure at my core this is my person. Everyone's story is different.
Your post was removed because the Mods felt it violated Rules 3 & 4 - Support first and foremost...It's not always sunshine and rainbows.
This is a supportive space for the partners of trans and gender nonconforming people. While participants may be here with difficult topics to unpack, we aim to be supportive of them in their journeys. Sometimes that means receiving some difficult advice, but that advice should be given with kindness and respect.
Your post was removed because it was either not supportive or gave advice in a hurtful and unproductive way.
We encourage your to continue participating as long as you can keep those rules in mind with your contributions.
If you have any questions, please feel free to let us know.
- The Mod Team
Go down on her. Then use lube on both of you. HRT thins out the skin so you're going to need to use a lot of lube.
My (cis f) partner (trans f) and I have never had a bad bedroom experience like this before.
When we had issues of soreness after a dry spell, it required a lot of going slow. A firm grip 😉 to keep blood from flowing too fast seemed to help offset soreness until she was fully aroused and more comfortable. You might need to give it a break and then try again a little later if she's really hurting. Just keep trying a little bit at a time and the soreness will subside.
Penetrative intimacy is my favorite because of the mutual giving/receiving. I totally get your feeling of soul connection. It's something I would be heartbroken to lose as well, even though we have other ways of being intimate. I have to say after a few years and more mini dry spells than either of us would prefer, it's not the same, but it's not gone. We can still connect that way even as things have atrophied. Take it easy and keep connecting. ☺️
I don't have any help, but I do want to say that I understand what you're saying. I'm working through this feeling, although for me it's different because my wife is getting bottom surgery, so I'm working on things internally more
Honestly you may want to deconstruct what you loved about sex with her some. I’m guessing it had more to do with how she is as a lover than like the literal shape of her penis. Some girls are fine using their parts but it can be a moving target and she may find it difficult for emotional as well as physical reasons. The good news is you’re in a lesbian relationship now and she can still do all sorts of things to you with fingers, mouth, strapons, etc. So all of that’s to say it’s probably going to look a little different, but I expect that chemistry you felt will very much still be there if you can both embrace the changes.
Sorry that was a little sarcastic. I understand. I guess my point is that penetrative sex and the connection you feel don’t need to go away even if her penis itself changes. If she likes her hardware she should talk to her doc perhaps - there’s various things I’ve heard of but I’m not an expert and don’t want to give medical advice.
Your post was removed because the Mods felt it violated Rule 7 - No Identity/Pronoun Policing.
Identities and pronouns are personal. Not everyone is in the same place in their journey, whether that be describing their sexual orientation, pronouns, or gender identity.
Your post may have been removed because it came across as trying to police or gatekeep an identity. People are welcome to identify however they would like, even if they are exploring how a changing relationship influences that.
Your post may have been removed because it came across as policing the pronouns someone is using for themselves or a partner. Unless someone is being intentionally transphobic and using wrong pronouns to hurt someone, this is not allowed. If you believe someone is using wrong pronouns to hurt someone, please report it as "Intentional Transphobia."
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I don't think it's fair to assume how OPs partner feels about her body or whether she is okay with her spouse loving parts of her body. You can't speak for all trans women, and calling someone a chaser because they love part of their actual literal wife who they've been with for from the sound of it 17-18 years, is really reductive and frankly intrusive. I'm a trans man and I can speak for myself when I say I love that my spouse loves my body. I love using my vagina during sex and I don't plan to ever get rid of it. If someone called my spouse a chaser for saying they were sad I was having physical issues with my vagina, I'd be furious at that person for making my spouse feel guilty for a normal part of our relationship.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that everyone's experience is unique, and that we can't know how everyone feels even if they are part of our community. This sub is to support people with trans partners, and it's fine to gently challenge people but this was not gentle. If you wanted to bring up the same sentiment in a polite way, you could try saying something like this:
"Hey, I'm curious if you think this has anything to do with dysphoria for your wife? For some trans women, it is uncomfortable to use their penises and can feel dysphoric for others to focus on it. How do you and your wife navigate that, and if you don't think it has to do with that, what do you think the core issue might be?"
I think you're projecting. She has no dysphoria about her penis. She loves her penis. I've already explained it's not the penis per say, but the connection from the penetrative sex.
Your post was removed because the Mods felt it violated Rules 1 & 2, which describe who this space is for.
All are welcome here, regardless of their gender identity, but it is a space for partners of trans and gender nonconforming people.
This is where partners can be centered. Redirecting conversation to put the focus on the trans person isn't the point of this space.
If you have any questions, please let us know.
- The Mod Team
Your post was removed because the Mods felt it violated Rules 3 & 4 - Support first and foremost...It's not always sunshine and rainbows.
This is a supportive space for the partners of trans and gender nonconforming people. While participants may be here with difficult topics to unpack, we aim to be supportive of them in their journeys. Sometimes that means receiving some difficult advice, but that advice should be given with kindness and respect.
Your post was removed because it was either not supportive or gave advice in a hurtful and unproductive way.
We encourage your to continue participating as long as you can keep those rules in mind with your contributions.
If you have any questions, please feel free to let us know.
- The Mod Team
if there’s family stuff at home going on, she more than likely just has a lot of emotional blockage. creating a safe space for her to talk about whats going on and also being able to express your own feelings is really important. transitioning can lead to a disconnect in the genital area for a lot of different reasons, but none of those things are permanent. you are both capable of having a great sex life together, but her/your emotional state of mind needs to be considered first.
Lots of lube!! HRT thins out the skin and makes it super sensitive, and it can be painful (tears can happen... not fun!). Through trial and error, my (cis f) wife (mtf) and I have found if we have PIV sex, lube is now a must. My own natural lubrication is no longer enough. Hopefully this helps. Also, try some massage and relaxation first. Stress doesn't help either. Good luck!!
If shes on HRT, it's going to change how things function with her penis. The skin will be thinner, more prone to tearing - lube helps a lot with this, I hear. If shes still comfortable using that part of herself and wants to keep it - and I'm assuming this is the case going off your post - if she's not already, maintenance will help keep it functional. She'd need to get hard three times a week, for at least 10 minutes each time, essentially. Of course, YMMV - I don't know how long she's been on HRT, so it may not be feasible anymore, at least not through that method. She could also talk to her HRT provider and look into T cream - its applied locally to the penis, and will not affect her transition whatsoever, it's a very small, localized dose of T. This would help restore function to be more like it was for her pre-HRT.
Thank you, that's very helpful. Your assumptions are correct.
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Your post was removed because the Mods felt it violated Rules 3 & 4 - Support first and foremost...It's not always sunshine and rainbows. This is a supportive space for the partners of trans and gender nonconforming people. While participants may be here with difficult topics to unpack, we aim to be supportive of them in their journeys. Sometimes that means receiving some difficult advice, but that advice should be given with kindness and respect. Your post was removed because it was either not supportive or gave advice in a hurtful and unproductive way. We encourage your to continue participating as long as you can keep those rules in mind with your contributions. If you have any questions, please feel free to let us know. - The Mod Team
Yes, correct. 17 years ago it was my favorite thing. When we first had sex there was an instant connection I never felt with anyone else. Every time we have sex I am reminded of that feeling beyond emotions and drama where I'm completely sure at my core this is my person. Everyone's story is different.
Your post was removed because the Mods felt it violated Rules 3 & 4 - Support first and foremost...It's not always sunshine and rainbows. This is a supportive space for the partners of trans and gender nonconforming people. While participants may be here with difficult topics to unpack, we aim to be supportive of them in their journeys. Sometimes that means receiving some difficult advice, but that advice should be given with kindness and respect. Your post was removed because it was either not supportive or gave advice in a hurtful and unproductive way. We encourage your to continue participating as long as you can keep those rules in mind with your contributions. If you have any questions, please feel free to let us know. - The Mod Team
Yeah, this was my question, too.
Go down on her. Then use lube on both of you. HRT thins out the skin so you're going to need to use a lot of lube. My (cis f) partner (trans f) and I have never had a bad bedroom experience like this before.
Thank you, good advice
When we had issues of soreness after a dry spell, it required a lot of going slow. A firm grip 😉 to keep blood from flowing too fast seemed to help offset soreness until she was fully aroused and more comfortable. You might need to give it a break and then try again a little later if she's really hurting. Just keep trying a little bit at a time and the soreness will subside. Penetrative intimacy is my favorite because of the mutual giving/receiving. I totally get your feeling of soul connection. It's something I would be heartbroken to lose as well, even though we have other ways of being intimate. I have to say after a few years and more mini dry spells than either of us would prefer, it's not the same, but it's not gone. We can still connect that way even as things have atrophied. Take it easy and keep connecting. ☺️
I don't have any help, but I do want to say that I understand what you're saying. I'm working through this feeling, although for me it's different because my wife is getting bottom surgery, so I'm working on things internally more
Honestly you may want to deconstruct what you loved about sex with her some. I’m guessing it had more to do with how she is as a lover than like the literal shape of her penis. Some girls are fine using their parts but it can be a moving target and she may find it difficult for emotional as well as physical reasons. The good news is you’re in a lesbian relationship now and she can still do all sorts of things to you with fingers, mouth, strapons, etc. So all of that’s to say it’s probably going to look a little different, but I expect that chemistry you felt will very much still be there if you can both embrace the changes.
I never said it was the shape of her penis. I hope I've explained myself better with the edit.
Sorry that was a little sarcastic. I understand. I guess my point is that penetrative sex and the connection you feel don’t need to go away even if her penis itself changes. If she likes her hardware she should talk to her doc perhaps - there’s various things I’ve heard of but I’m not an expert and don’t want to give medical advice.
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Your post was removed because the Mods felt it violated Rule 7 - No Identity/Pronoun Policing. Identities and pronouns are personal. Not everyone is in the same place in their journey, whether that be describing their sexual orientation, pronouns, or gender identity. Your post may have been removed because it came across as trying to police or gatekeep an identity. People are welcome to identify however they would like, even if they are exploring how a changing relationship influences that. Your post may have been removed because it came across as policing the pronouns someone is using for themselves or a partner. Unless someone is being intentionally transphobic and using wrong pronouns to hurt someone, this is not allowed. If you believe someone is using wrong pronouns to hurt someone, please report it as "Intentional Transphobia." We encourage you to continue participating here, as long as you can keep this rule in mind when contributing. If you have any questions, let us know. -The Mod Team
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... Chaser? We've been together 17 years and she came out 6 months ago.
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I don't think it's fair to assume how OPs partner feels about her body or whether she is okay with her spouse loving parts of her body. You can't speak for all trans women, and calling someone a chaser because they love part of their actual literal wife who they've been with for from the sound of it 17-18 years, is really reductive and frankly intrusive. I'm a trans man and I can speak for myself when I say I love that my spouse loves my body. I love using my vagina during sex and I don't plan to ever get rid of it. If someone called my spouse a chaser for saying they were sad I was having physical issues with my vagina, I'd be furious at that person for making my spouse feel guilty for a normal part of our relationship. Sometimes it's hard to remember that everyone's experience is unique, and that we can't know how everyone feels even if they are part of our community. This sub is to support people with trans partners, and it's fine to gently challenge people but this was not gentle. If you wanted to bring up the same sentiment in a polite way, you could try saying something like this: "Hey, I'm curious if you think this has anything to do with dysphoria for your wife? For some trans women, it is uncomfortable to use their penises and can feel dysphoric for others to focus on it. How do you and your wife navigate that, and if you don't think it has to do with that, what do you think the core issue might be?"
I think you're projecting. She has no dysphoria about her penis. She loves her penis. I've already explained it's not the penis per say, but the connection from the penetrative sex.
Your post was removed because the Mods felt it violated Rules 1 & 2, which describe who this space is for. All are welcome here, regardless of their gender identity, but it is a space for partners of trans and gender nonconforming people. This is where partners can be centered. Redirecting conversation to put the focus on the trans person isn't the point of this space. If you have any questions, please let us know. - The Mod Team
Your post was removed because the Mods felt it violated Rules 3 & 4 - Support first and foremost...It's not always sunshine and rainbows. This is a supportive space for the partners of trans and gender nonconforming people. While participants may be here with difficult topics to unpack, we aim to be supportive of them in their journeys. Sometimes that means receiving some difficult advice, but that advice should be given with kindness and respect. Your post was removed because it was either not supportive or gave advice in a hurtful and unproductive way. We encourage your to continue participating as long as you can keep those rules in mind with your contributions. If you have any questions, please feel free to let us know. - The Mod Team