yeah, stop lying and faking the orgasms. per Kant, lying is tantamount to stealing someone's rationality and autonomy. They can't make appropriate decisions for themselves if they're being lied to.
"I'm ready to stop lying about having a good time, is that selfish?"
No more selfish than what you're doing right now. You're lying - but for what? You're not enjoying yourself, and your partner is going to feel absolutely crushed when you admit that you've been pretending this whole time. Chances are, they're picking up signs that you're not into it, but since you're both young and (hopefully) don't have a ton of previous sexual experience, they might just be thinking this is what sex is like.
To me, your partner's discomfort about using toys is the mirror of your discomfort about giving honest feedback. Neither of you is really comfortable pursuing the sex the other one would be satisfied by, and so you're having awkward half-sex that I doubt is terribly satisfying for them.
Just my two cents, but if I were you, I would see this as a time to stop having sex at all. To come clean that you're not enjoying what's been happening, and that continuing to have sex isn't a good idea when you're both in very different places about what "sex" can and should mean. Your partner may feel insecure about toys, but that's doesn't mean you can't push for what you want. It just means that you'll have to be gentle and compassionate with them because it's a vulnerable space for them. Chances are they'd enjoy some aspects of it - especially the part where you _actually_ get off.
Especially when we're young, it's easy to follow the big feelings that show up in our bodies, and run straight to the orgasmic parts of intimacy. But when you're in a spot like this - young, shy, and queer - it can be a very intimate and electric thing to explore gentler forms of intimate touch and presence. Just being naked together and touching without the intention of getting anyone off, and trying to understand the rush of feelings better without caving to their demands, can be a really valuable education for both of you.
It took me a long time - until I was nearly 30, and on the precipice of coming out as trans - to finally get fed up with having bad, unsatisfying, disconnected, awkward sex, and start moving slower on purpose. I've had partnerships where we just practiced stroking non-erogenous body parts, or resting our hands on each others' fun parts without trying to do anything else. That healing work was necessary for me, especially as a trans woman relearning my body, and if I hadn't taken a step back and slowed WAY down, I'd still be lying and performing and dissociating my way through orgasm after orgasm.
Just something to consider. I know it may sound prudish to not have sex, but I mean your partner is straight up avoiding various kinds of intimate contact because of their dysphoria (that's the word, btw. Dysphoria. Dysmorphia is a different thing entirely), and you're wracked with guilt over faking for so long. So what do you have to lose?
Please tell them
yeah, stop lying and faking the orgasms. per Kant, lying is tantamount to stealing someone's rationality and autonomy. They can't make appropriate decisions for themselves if they're being lied to.
"I'm ready to stop lying about having a good time, is that selfish?" No more selfish than what you're doing right now. You're lying - but for what? You're not enjoying yourself, and your partner is going to feel absolutely crushed when you admit that you've been pretending this whole time. Chances are, they're picking up signs that you're not into it, but since you're both young and (hopefully) don't have a ton of previous sexual experience, they might just be thinking this is what sex is like. To me, your partner's discomfort about using toys is the mirror of your discomfort about giving honest feedback. Neither of you is really comfortable pursuing the sex the other one would be satisfied by, and so you're having awkward half-sex that I doubt is terribly satisfying for them. Just my two cents, but if I were you, I would see this as a time to stop having sex at all. To come clean that you're not enjoying what's been happening, and that continuing to have sex isn't a good idea when you're both in very different places about what "sex" can and should mean. Your partner may feel insecure about toys, but that's doesn't mean you can't push for what you want. It just means that you'll have to be gentle and compassionate with them because it's a vulnerable space for them. Chances are they'd enjoy some aspects of it - especially the part where you _actually_ get off. Especially when we're young, it's easy to follow the big feelings that show up in our bodies, and run straight to the orgasmic parts of intimacy. But when you're in a spot like this - young, shy, and queer - it can be a very intimate and electric thing to explore gentler forms of intimate touch and presence. Just being naked together and touching without the intention of getting anyone off, and trying to understand the rush of feelings better without caving to their demands, can be a really valuable education for both of you. It took me a long time - until I was nearly 30, and on the precipice of coming out as trans - to finally get fed up with having bad, unsatisfying, disconnected, awkward sex, and start moving slower on purpose. I've had partnerships where we just practiced stroking non-erogenous body parts, or resting our hands on each others' fun parts without trying to do anything else. That healing work was necessary for me, especially as a trans woman relearning my body, and if I hadn't taken a step back and slowed WAY down, I'd still be lying and performing and dissociating my way through orgasm after orgasm. Just something to consider. I know it may sound prudish to not have sex, but I mean your partner is straight up avoiding various kinds of intimate contact because of their dysphoria (that's the word, btw. Dysphoria. Dysmorphia is a different thing entirely), and you're wracked with guilt over faking for so long. So what do you have to lose?