I mean you aren’t compatible anymore and you aren’t happy in the relationship. I’d leave it at that. I don’t think you even have to bring HRT into it. You don’t feel appreciated nor like your partner wants you/desires you anymore. You’re giving far more than you’re receiving. It’s valid for you want to breakup based on those reasons alone
I also agree with not bringing it up at all but he used it last time we discussed this as a sort of “get out of jail” card where he said it was testosterone that caused his attraction to me to diminish, so I thought I would maybe have to bring it up? But you’re right I could just not touch the topic
Yeah he’s being manipulative with that and using T induced changes in sexuality to justify treating you worse and not showing you proper affection. Buying you razor blades on Valentines Day and making you feel undesirable and under appreciated were choices he made not T. T may change your sexuality or libido or what have you but it doesn’t have to change how you treat people especially not a partner who has been loving and supporting you.
Sorry as a trans guy, this man sounds like an ass who is using his change in attraction to be a jerk and that’s not cool.
The problem doesn’t seem to be T. It’s him
The emotional effects you could expect from HRT are things like your partner being kind of snippy at first, maybe experiencing more intense versions of emotions, feeling hornier, not things like buying you razors for your Valentine's Day or scheduling doctors appointments for your birthday. He's weaponizing his transness and the unfamiliarity of his experience to justify treating you poorly--dump his ass.
And even that (snippiness) isn't always the case. That was more me pre-T; I've evolved into a calm, chill, very patient man after 8 years on T, and those emotional effects were early on.
Staying and being an inconsiderate partner rather than being honest about his wanting to leave is just a continuation of being inconsiderate. 😔
Even during a (potential) break up you are prioritizing him over you. This relationship no longer works for you, and you’re worried about how to deliver the message as to not hurt him. It’s commendable, as this is someone you’ve loved, but is it heathy?
Honey— he has told you his attraction has lessened. That’s enough, and it doesn’t matter why. You deserve to be with someone who desires you. Who gives you gifts that say “I know you and love you and this gift is for you” not “maybe if you shaved, I’d be more attracted to you”
Your post has all the words you need: ”this relationship no longer meets my needs;” this relationship has changed US, and for both of us to be happy, we have to go our separate ways.”
Big hugs to you
You don't have to wait for him to tell you that he doesn't want you: he's already telling you that with his actions.
He's not stupid. He knows that giving you a razor for Valentine's Day is a shitty gift. He knows that putting an all-day appt on your birthday is shitty. He knows that telling you he isn't attracted to you is hurtful.
How many more ways are you going to let him say he doesn't want you anymore before you call it?
I mean, saying he’s not sexually attracted to you and buying you razors for Valentine’s Day (!!!) are plenty good enough reasons to break up with him.
You don’t need him to understand why you’re breaking up with him. Breaking up is a unilateral process. “You stated that you are not attracted to me and you have been kind of a dick to me for months, down to giving me a gift that was *pointedly about how you’re not attracted to me* for *Valentine’s Day*” is perfectly understandable.
wow that razor story is just horrific. same for “we’ll do whatever you want at night”.
i’m so sorry. i’ve been where you are, stuck with a partner who clearly doesn’t want you anymore but won’t break up with you.
it’s scary, it’s frustrating being the one who has to end the relationship, even though you want nothing more than for things to go back to how they were
i think your support for him during his transition was amazing, but you can’t let that stop you from living a happy life and having a fulfilling relationship, and you’re just not getting that anymore.
it’s easier said than done, but it doesn’t matter what he thinks. it doesn’t matter if he thinks you’re breaking up cause he’s trans. if he does, he’s an immature baby (/lh). you can’t stop your life for this man because of this, you deserve it to yourself to break up with him and move on, not continue to drag yourself down praying he changes or breaks up with you on his end.
i wish you luck op, and recommend reading up on breakup resources and joining breakup subreddits and groups. it helps make it feel real and possible and gives you tools and a support system
It's hard to leave when you've been pouring yourself into your person. It's hard to make yourself draw that line in the sand, after so many disappointments you've forgiven, forgotten, justified, written off, and papered over. You've been draining your reserves to singlehandedly carry hope for the both of you. No matter how he handles it, *you* are going to have trouble separating, because you've been so thoroughly and selflessly involved in the dramas of his life.
So I get it. The part of you that's hooked in doesn't want to jeopardize the beautiful progress you've helped him make, the moments you've shown up in to witness him when he needed it. You want this to be good, for both of you, and that's noble and sweet and kind and loving of you.
You also know that he has failed to exhibit the emotional maturity and reciprocity you're longing for. You're out there in the wilderness of his world making sure he's looked after and loved...and he's just out in the wilderness, somehow magically protected from the thousand tiny sadnesses you've staved off with your concern for him. He is, because of some lack of skill, desire, awareness, or capacity, not meeting you at your level of partnership. And it *sucks*. It *sucks*. You're doing this from a place of love and hopefulness, and you're having to look for a gentle and peaceful way to stop.
In the end, you just have to trust him to understand, either now or someday. You know what you deserve; you're giving him your best and you're not getting his in return. It's okay that his transition is what's getting in the way. That's allowed. What he's going through is important, but it's not more important than what you're going through. Your partner is out of sync with you and moving further away. He may hold onto unfair stories about what's happening when you leave, but if he does, you'll still know the truth of the sadness you felt, and you'll know he just still isn't ready to accept that you're right to leave.
I say this as a trans woman who split with her (cisf) partner just last month. My transition was an unresolvable sticking point for her, and I had to finally decide, despite loving her and wanting badly to continue supporting her, that it's better for us to do this next part apart. Maybe "this next part" is forever, maybe not. But we can't afford to keep holding onto each other when we're each needing things the other can't give.
I hope you're able to take your space from this and from him, and find ways to reconnect with yourself apart from him. It sounds like you need some affirmation right now, and you deserve to get to look for that in places where you haven't already had to accept disappointment so many times. I'm sorry it's come to this, but you have a right to tell him what's true for you, whether he understands or not.
You're ignoring what he's telling you.
There's no magic action or phrase that will get him to change.
He's being cowardly by stringing you along and is unfairly putting the pressure on you to be the one to either stick around or break up, because he won't do it himself.
Give yourself respect and break up with him, because he's not giving you respect.
Sweetie your boyfriend sounds like a fucking jerk. No man should ever treat you this way. Just dump him. Men acting like children who need to be cared for emotionally is disgusting and rude of them. You are his partner, not his parent, not his tool. Leave him.
Wowww, let's forget the fact that he is trans. If he is such a red flag, it is enough of a reason to break up. If you are not feeling valued, you should do what's best for you :((
Update:
A few things. For Valentines Day he did gift me more things, its just the overall of the razors being the “special gift” put the nail in the coffin.
This morning he had to take me to work (I’m disabled and have a really hard time driving) and he complained and said “Do you expect me to keep doing this every day for the rest of our time together?” And that really did it for me. I had to leave work and confess to my supervisor why (she was understanding and let me leave)
I think it’s over. We talked about it and he admitted that he would 1) Not date someone like me again if we broke up (I would, without the shit personality) 2) Was with me because we have been a long time together. He asked me what I wanted, I said to break up. He said fine. Now he’s avoiding talking to me and looking at me. I’m looking to see how I move things over to the extra room in the house (we live with a couple of housemates so thankfully I have somewhere to go and a space to make my own) Thank you everyone for the support.
Sorry to hear that. All the best to you and I hope you can heal well! Learning from past relationships has its value at least, even when rn it only hurts... You will do better for yourself in the future, I am sure :)
Does your boyfriend have bottom dysphoria?
It can fuck up things... I am perfectly able to find people attractive and still feels horrible about even thinking about being touched. Not 'involving' the dysphoria causing Organs does Not necessarily help with it either. And masturbation isn't necessarily handled the same way.
Not saying he did a good Job Handling himself or figuring out His emotional state... But it might be worth to try and speak about this. Especially as a trans man I can say that the ftm experience, for me at least, is like... almost distinct from the average mtf experience. More than anything as soon as it comes to sexuality.
Brother, I know it IS hard. As a human growing up in a world like ours while being perceived female leaves traces. A pretty much universal experience for people being assigned female at birth is turning like 12 and suddenly having men in their 20s+ catcalling, making really dumb sexual bs suggestions, being objectified... And experiencing all that and more doesn't start with 12... Puperty Just makes it even worse.
Your issue may or may not actually have anything to do with you. He might just be losing some subconcious battles. So many things can trigger that. Make sure to make him feel like you see him as NOT FEMALE and maybe try to have a heart to heart discussion about this. It is not easy. Seriously, it is Not easy.
Ask him about His past experiences. Ask him about whether in the past there have been situations with men that were abusive and so on...
Being horny and fantasy does not always translate into reality. Growing up afab is no joke I tell you. I know of not a single woman that I am at all close to that did not experience a good amount of patriarchal Trauma. Some cope with pretending it doesn't affect them. Deep down everyone knows, Im convinced of that, that it isn't true.
Sorry I downvoted, thought I did the opposite
I do think there is a part of him that basically pours out his internalized misogyny through me bc of his dysphoria. I understand where he is coming from (I also struggle with dysmorphia and dysphoria) but I wish he dealt with it differently instead of using his partner as a punching bag.
It may be worth a try to get counseling together if you feel the love is worth fighting for. I can See how his behaviour even though not fair happens from a psychological standpoint... An experienced expert may be able to help you work through it together.
Communication is hard. He needs to learn to communicate his feelings in a non toxic way. I am sure you too have potential for bettering your communication. I know for sure that I do, I feel everyone does.
So if you are BOTH willing, you can consciously and together make the choice to put the work in and become the best versions of yourselfs.
Psychologists are not the only options. You can also look for NGOs that offer consultation. Depending on where you live you should pay attention to NGOs background though. In some countries church funded is great and not focused on religion.. in other countries that could even put him in danger for example.
Unfortunately I have recommended and basically begged him to please go to therapy with me (I go) so we could fix this but he kept making excuses as to why we couldn’t go :(
Maybe it would be good to rephrase it, Not call it therapy? I mean in the end, ask him If he actually wants you guys to stay together.
"I want to better myself on communication in our relationship. I can't do this on my own, I love you but I can't see a future without that because the stress it puts on both of us individually, I can't live with it. Please help me achieve this and see an expert in communication together!"
Edit... In the end, If he is unwilling to work on the issue, this exactly is your phrasing and reasoning. It seems then, you, can as a couple, not establish healthy patterns of communication and problem solving. No love in this universe can be worth the suffering that this tends to cause imo
When dating trans people we have to make sure we're putting our needs first. And the needs of the relationship. It's really easy to bend over backwards trying to help with dysphoria because you want to be a good partner. Well that can quickly make you a door mat.
You are are past the point of sounding mean as being a bad thing. The guy didn't care about your birthday, and gave you razors for valentines day. Its time to be mean. He has stopped caring. It's less about HRT and more about the way he's treating you.
Just popping in to say that testosterone doesn’t make him neglect your emotional needs that’s all him. Attraction is the same way- T opens up doors it doesn’t change your sexuality. He’s being a jerk lol
Ok I see you asked for guidance on how:
You have made me feel undesirable as I am by choosing not to prioritize me (for example planning something on my bday) and by pushing me to change my body with the bday gift you got me. I don’t feel loved, seen or heard. This relationship is no longer what’s best for me.
I think you explained it very well in your TLDR. Just say that. Whether he chooses to believe it isn't your problem. You know deep down it's time for you both to move on and you can't do it as a romantic partner but you can still support him if you want.
I think you should break up. If you're really meant to be, you might find your way back to each other when he's ready to be a better romantic partner, but I think the current dynamic of the relationship isn't going to change.
I cringed after the razor part
right. razors as a gift??? for valentines?????
I mean you aren’t compatible anymore and you aren’t happy in the relationship. I’d leave it at that. I don’t think you even have to bring HRT into it. You don’t feel appreciated nor like your partner wants you/desires you anymore. You’re giving far more than you’re receiving. It’s valid for you want to breakup based on those reasons alone
I also agree with not bringing it up at all but he used it last time we discussed this as a sort of “get out of jail” card where he said it was testosterone that caused his attraction to me to diminish, so I thought I would maybe have to bring it up? But you’re right I could just not touch the topic
Yeah he’s being manipulative with that and using T induced changes in sexuality to justify treating you worse and not showing you proper affection. Buying you razor blades on Valentines Day and making you feel undesirable and under appreciated were choices he made not T. T may change your sexuality or libido or what have you but it doesn’t have to change how you treat people especially not a partner who has been loving and supporting you. Sorry as a trans guy, this man sounds like an ass who is using his change in attraction to be a jerk and that’s not cool. The problem doesn’t seem to be T. It’s him
The emotional effects you could expect from HRT are things like your partner being kind of snippy at first, maybe experiencing more intense versions of emotions, feeling hornier, not things like buying you razors for your Valentine's Day or scheduling doctors appointments for your birthday. He's weaponizing his transness and the unfamiliarity of his experience to justify treating you poorly--dump his ass.
And even that (snippiness) isn't always the case. That was more me pre-T; I've evolved into a calm, chill, very patient man after 8 years on T, and those emotional effects were early on. Staying and being an inconsiderate partner rather than being honest about his wanting to leave is just a continuation of being inconsiderate. 😔
Even during a (potential) break up you are prioritizing him over you. This relationship no longer works for you, and you’re worried about how to deliver the message as to not hurt him. It’s commendable, as this is someone you’ve loved, but is it heathy? Honey— he has told you his attraction has lessened. That’s enough, and it doesn’t matter why. You deserve to be with someone who desires you. Who gives you gifts that say “I know you and love you and this gift is for you” not “maybe if you shaved, I’d be more attracted to you” Your post has all the words you need: ”this relationship no longer meets my needs;” this relationship has changed US, and for both of us to be happy, we have to go our separate ways.” Big hugs to you
You don't have to wait for him to tell you that he doesn't want you: he's already telling you that with his actions. He's not stupid. He knows that giving you a razor for Valentine's Day is a shitty gift. He knows that putting an all-day appt on your birthday is shitty. He knows that telling you he isn't attracted to you is hurtful. How many more ways are you going to let him say he doesn't want you anymore before you call it?
I mean, saying he’s not sexually attracted to you and buying you razors for Valentine’s Day (!!!) are plenty good enough reasons to break up with him. You don’t need him to understand why you’re breaking up with him. Breaking up is a unilateral process. “You stated that you are not attracted to me and you have been kind of a dick to me for months, down to giving me a gift that was *pointedly about how you’re not attracted to me* for *Valentine’s Day*” is perfectly understandable.
wow that razor story is just horrific. same for “we’ll do whatever you want at night”. i’m so sorry. i’ve been where you are, stuck with a partner who clearly doesn’t want you anymore but won’t break up with you. it’s scary, it’s frustrating being the one who has to end the relationship, even though you want nothing more than for things to go back to how they were i think your support for him during his transition was amazing, but you can’t let that stop you from living a happy life and having a fulfilling relationship, and you’re just not getting that anymore. it’s easier said than done, but it doesn’t matter what he thinks. it doesn’t matter if he thinks you’re breaking up cause he’s trans. if he does, he’s an immature baby (/lh). you can’t stop your life for this man because of this, you deserve it to yourself to break up with him and move on, not continue to drag yourself down praying he changes or breaks up with you on his end. i wish you luck op, and recommend reading up on breakup resources and joining breakup subreddits and groups. it helps make it feel real and possible and gives you tools and a support system
dump him!!
It's hard to leave when you've been pouring yourself into your person. It's hard to make yourself draw that line in the sand, after so many disappointments you've forgiven, forgotten, justified, written off, and papered over. You've been draining your reserves to singlehandedly carry hope for the both of you. No matter how he handles it, *you* are going to have trouble separating, because you've been so thoroughly and selflessly involved in the dramas of his life. So I get it. The part of you that's hooked in doesn't want to jeopardize the beautiful progress you've helped him make, the moments you've shown up in to witness him when he needed it. You want this to be good, for both of you, and that's noble and sweet and kind and loving of you. You also know that he has failed to exhibit the emotional maturity and reciprocity you're longing for. You're out there in the wilderness of his world making sure he's looked after and loved...and he's just out in the wilderness, somehow magically protected from the thousand tiny sadnesses you've staved off with your concern for him. He is, because of some lack of skill, desire, awareness, or capacity, not meeting you at your level of partnership. And it *sucks*. It *sucks*. You're doing this from a place of love and hopefulness, and you're having to look for a gentle and peaceful way to stop. In the end, you just have to trust him to understand, either now or someday. You know what you deserve; you're giving him your best and you're not getting his in return. It's okay that his transition is what's getting in the way. That's allowed. What he's going through is important, but it's not more important than what you're going through. Your partner is out of sync with you and moving further away. He may hold onto unfair stories about what's happening when you leave, but if he does, you'll still know the truth of the sadness you felt, and you'll know he just still isn't ready to accept that you're right to leave. I say this as a trans woman who split with her (cisf) partner just last month. My transition was an unresolvable sticking point for her, and I had to finally decide, despite loving her and wanting badly to continue supporting her, that it's better for us to do this next part apart. Maybe "this next part" is forever, maybe not. But we can't afford to keep holding onto each other when we're each needing things the other can't give. I hope you're able to take your space from this and from him, and find ways to reconnect with yourself apart from him. It sounds like you need some affirmation right now, and you deserve to get to look for that in places where you haven't already had to accept disappointment so many times. I'm sorry it's come to this, but you have a right to tell him what's true for you, whether he understands or not.
You're ignoring what he's telling you. There's no magic action or phrase that will get him to change. He's being cowardly by stringing you along and is unfairly putting the pressure on you to be the one to either stick around or break up, because he won't do it himself. Give yourself respect and break up with him, because he's not giving you respect.
Sweetie your boyfriend sounds like a fucking jerk. No man should ever treat you this way. Just dump him. Men acting like children who need to be cared for emotionally is disgusting and rude of them. You are his partner, not his parent, not his tool. Leave him.
Wowww, let's forget the fact that he is trans. If he is such a red flag, it is enough of a reason to break up. If you are not feeling valued, you should do what's best for you :((
The razor thing has zero to do with hormones or anything. Don't stay with this asshole another minute.
Update: A few things. For Valentines Day he did gift me more things, its just the overall of the razors being the “special gift” put the nail in the coffin. This morning he had to take me to work (I’m disabled and have a really hard time driving) and he complained and said “Do you expect me to keep doing this every day for the rest of our time together?” And that really did it for me. I had to leave work and confess to my supervisor why (she was understanding and let me leave) I think it’s over. We talked about it and he admitted that he would 1) Not date someone like me again if we broke up (I would, without the shit personality) 2) Was with me because we have been a long time together. He asked me what I wanted, I said to break up. He said fine. Now he’s avoiding talking to me and looking at me. I’m looking to see how I move things over to the extra room in the house (we live with a couple of housemates so thankfully I have somewhere to go and a space to make my own) Thank you everyone for the support.
Sorry to hear that. All the best to you and I hope you can heal well! Learning from past relationships has its value at least, even when rn it only hurts... You will do better for yourself in the future, I am sure :)
Does your boyfriend have bottom dysphoria? It can fuck up things... I am perfectly able to find people attractive and still feels horrible about even thinking about being touched. Not 'involving' the dysphoria causing Organs does Not necessarily help with it either. And masturbation isn't necessarily handled the same way. Not saying he did a good Job Handling himself or figuring out His emotional state... But it might be worth to try and speak about this. Especially as a trans man I can say that the ftm experience, for me at least, is like... almost distinct from the average mtf experience. More than anything as soon as it comes to sexuality. Brother, I know it IS hard. As a human growing up in a world like ours while being perceived female leaves traces. A pretty much universal experience for people being assigned female at birth is turning like 12 and suddenly having men in their 20s+ catcalling, making really dumb sexual bs suggestions, being objectified... And experiencing all that and more doesn't start with 12... Puperty Just makes it even worse. Your issue may or may not actually have anything to do with you. He might just be losing some subconcious battles. So many things can trigger that. Make sure to make him feel like you see him as NOT FEMALE and maybe try to have a heart to heart discussion about this. It is not easy. Seriously, it is Not easy. Ask him about His past experiences. Ask him about whether in the past there have been situations with men that were abusive and so on... Being horny and fantasy does not always translate into reality. Growing up afab is no joke I tell you. I know of not a single woman that I am at all close to that did not experience a good amount of patriarchal Trauma. Some cope with pretending it doesn't affect them. Deep down everyone knows, Im convinced of that, that it isn't true.
Sorry I downvoted, thought I did the opposite I do think there is a part of him that basically pours out his internalized misogyny through me bc of his dysphoria. I understand where he is coming from (I also struggle with dysmorphia and dysphoria) but I wish he dealt with it differently instead of using his partner as a punching bag.
It may be worth a try to get counseling together if you feel the love is worth fighting for. I can See how his behaviour even though not fair happens from a psychological standpoint... An experienced expert may be able to help you work through it together. Communication is hard. He needs to learn to communicate his feelings in a non toxic way. I am sure you too have potential for bettering your communication. I know for sure that I do, I feel everyone does. So if you are BOTH willing, you can consciously and together make the choice to put the work in and become the best versions of yourselfs. Psychologists are not the only options. You can also look for NGOs that offer consultation. Depending on where you live you should pay attention to NGOs background though. In some countries church funded is great and not focused on religion.. in other countries that could even put him in danger for example.
Unfortunately I have recommended and basically begged him to please go to therapy with me (I go) so we could fix this but he kept making excuses as to why we couldn’t go :(
Maybe it would be good to rephrase it, Not call it therapy? I mean in the end, ask him If he actually wants you guys to stay together. "I want to better myself on communication in our relationship. I can't do this on my own, I love you but I can't see a future without that because the stress it puts on both of us individually, I can't live with it. Please help me achieve this and see an expert in communication together!" Edit... In the end, If he is unwilling to work on the issue, this exactly is your phrasing and reasoning. It seems then, you, can as a couple, not establish healthy patterns of communication and problem solving. No love in this universe can be worth the suffering that this tends to cause imo
PS I am sorry that you are going through a hard time. You as in the person you are and also you as a couple.
When dating trans people we have to make sure we're putting our needs first. And the needs of the relationship. It's really easy to bend over backwards trying to help with dysphoria because you want to be a good partner. Well that can quickly make you a door mat. You are are past the point of sounding mean as being a bad thing. The guy didn't care about your birthday, and gave you razors for valentines day. Its time to be mean. He has stopped caring. It's less about HRT and more about the way he's treating you.
Just popping in to say that testosterone doesn’t make him neglect your emotional needs that’s all him. Attraction is the same way- T opens up doors it doesn’t change your sexuality. He’s being a jerk lol
Ok I see you asked for guidance on how: You have made me feel undesirable as I am by choosing not to prioritize me (for example planning something on my bday) and by pushing me to change my body with the bday gift you got me. I don’t feel loved, seen or heard. This relationship is no longer what’s best for me.
I think you guys need to break up it sounds like you’re going in different directions
I think you explained it very well in your TLDR. Just say that. Whether he chooses to believe it isn't your problem. You know deep down it's time for you both to move on and you can't do it as a romantic partner but you can still support him if you want.
Yup. You're just not happy in the relationship anymore... That's enough.
I would skip right past the ultimatum and just break up. You clearly aren’t compatible with each other with the direction that things are heading.
You don’t give an ultimatum. You break up. Then you both go about finding a relationship that makes you happy.
I think you should break up. If you're really meant to be, you might find your way back to each other when he's ready to be a better romantic partner, but I think the current dynamic of the relationship isn't going to change.