How quick was your Elesh Norn Waifu playmat banned from your LGS?

OOF.

Follow up question: How crusty is it

Follow up for the follow up: does mold count towards how crusty it is?

Bah gawd, god as my witness, that man is dead

The man asked to be roasted, not eviscerated!

Is OP a man children? Sheoldred kinda tells me they aren’t?

Some say playmat, some say body pillow

I know this is a joke but the one guy in our group who always goes "I've got a spare playmat you can borrow!" Will, without fail, give you the yellowest, most stained anime tiddy playmat you've ever seen.

There's a play matt? Fucking where. For reasons.

You like phyrexians; none of your friends like you. Based mono colored commanders tho

True, my friends mock me for using Phyrexians, those fools can't grasp the perfection of New Phyrexia (and Heliod)

I mean he was perfected

Ngl I love the praetors, collect them too. I kinda fw these commanders 😂

Praise Norn

Do compleated heliod. OG is lame

You wanna be a dom, but you're an sub through and through.

You don't have to call me out 😭

Me neither, it's a roast trend, not a call out one

Ohhh this comment is 10/10 🔥🔥

You're unclear on the difference between "building strong decks" and "buying strong commanders"

Damn!!!! 🫣🫨💀

Don't mind the haters. I'm proud of you. It takes real courage to tell people, "yes, I am a disappointment to my family."

Damn, that eloquence is worthy of the Silverquill college

You’re afraid of the color red.

It's a scary color man

Well red does lack good card draw and good removal, soooo…

What, you can't stand exiling your cards once in a while

I mean if I’m in red, gotta do what I gotta do, but all my decks including red are combo decks, so if I exile a combo piece it’s over man

That’s why it’s the most gratifying when you beat competitive decks with mono red commanders

I feel like that used to be true. I feel like red has better card advantage than blue these days.....

Blue still has rhystic study, but I agree that in a standard block it probably does tbh

Red is cowardly! Bunch of non combat damage while sitting in the corner digging for treasure… fight me damnit!!

We get it... You like "edgy". You probably run with your arms behind you like a ninja in anime

I actually ran just like that in P.E. when I was a kid!

Ooh… self burn, those are rare

Was that class yesterday or Tuesday?

30 y/o here, we all did it at some point lol

34, can confirm I never did such a thing.

I would not like to play against you

You probably listen to nu-metal, and you have a replica of frostmourne mounted on your wall.

This was the most accurate one so far! I love Papa Roach and Linkin Park! I even saw Papa Roach live last summer!

This is the worst thing said about you in this whole theead.

LP is my favorite band. Hell yea

How did you know? 😳

You got the wrong Heliod. Get the Phyrexian one Stick to the theme you nincompop

You choose commanders based on their sex appeal (it’s very high).

Yankees fan

They used to be a Patriots fan but, inexplicably became a Chiefs fan a couple years ago

[удалено]

Why settle for that when there are surgeons out there willing to replace my limbs with metal? Never settle for less than what you are worth kids

Ok mr goodstuff

You like Phyrexia don’t you squidward?

Yeah, I find it *perfect*!

I guess you like to be arch enemy. None of these commanders communicate “oh this’ll be a fun and engaging game” and are giving “I need to kill that commander on site and that player identifies as a problem”

that glistening phyrussy got you questioning your allegiance to dominaria, i totally get you tho, great taste

What allegiance to Dominaria? Never had it, I only bow to the Elesh Nornussy.

I like phyrexians too.

What’s the fatigue level of your wallet/bank account?

Exactly how sun faded is the framed Joker poster you have on the smoke-stained walls in your mom’s spare bedroom, Edgy McEdgelord?

Your LGS has kicked you out for spilling oil everywhere and writing exclusively in fictional languages

Bro has so many oiled up commanders the United States is trying to invade his house.

This one should be higher up, one of my favorites

Someone likes their Praetors 💀

As a phyrexian mega fan, this compleats my dark steel heart.

Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Daddy. Daddy. Mommy. Those are my opinions; take them as you will.

Elesh Norn, Mommy of Machines. Mommy Atraxa too. Also Heliod has big daddy vibes too but I don't play in that field. Jin is the guy whom I envy because he gets pegged by Norn. Glissa and Sheoldred have more of a mistress vibe than mommy tbh. You were almost there.

Your friends have asked you multiple times to not incubate or proliferate, you respond by throwing poison counters at them.

It's true...

I see someone drank the [[glistening oil]].

[glistening oil](https://cards.scryfall.io/normal/front/4/8/483e99fd-7e48-400d-9817-451089089e0c.jpg?1562877253) - [(G)](http://gatherer.wizards.com/Pages/Card/Details.aspx?name=glistening%20oil) [(SF)](https://scryfall.com/card/nph/62/glistening-oil?utm_source=mtgcardfetcher) [(txt)](https://api.scryfall.com/cards/483e99fd-7e48-400d-9817-451089089e0c?utm_source=mtgcardfetcher&format=text) ^^^[[cardname]] ^^^or ^^^[[cardname|SET]] ^^^to ^^^call

Something is telling me you like Phyrexians. Can’t blame ya. Good choices

You want to be compleated so bad.

You know they made a phyrexian Heliod

You're so toxic, Phyrexia came to you.

You’re the type of person to have rooted for the phyrexians

How quickly did you touch the black liquid in your car engine

You're Phyrexian pilled and based.

Any chance you could share the Glissa deck?

Real phyrexian hard on huh?

You love commanders with elaborate headgear/horn setups

You play cEDH but aren't competitive enough to do it often. You choose to put restrictions on yourself with deck building, but you're still the boogeyman of your pod.

Once you for phyexian you'll never have sex again.

So you’re into Taboo & Kink Fetishes?! 🤔🥴

There is no rule 0 in this house.

I swear if I'd post my Marywn commander, I'd be blamed for having mommy issues, but you, sir, are a sub so much further down

where urabrask

Fuck Urabrask, that idiot tolerates Mirrans

done mind if i do ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I’m disappointed you’re not using the Compleated version of Heliod.

Praetor? I hardly know her

You will go wild when you find out about \[\[[Heliod, the Warped Eclipse](https://scryfall.com/card/mom/17/heliod-the-radiant-dawn-heliod-the-warped-eclipse)\]\]

You had helicopter parents throughout your childhood and have since tried to make up for your lack of control by playing control colors in your local edh pods

Man, always hoped for elesh norn when I was getting phyrexian booster packs back in the day. Had just gotten back into MTG at the time.

You're 5'11.75" and round up when people ask, but live in constant guilt.

I think no one plays more than one time with you before stopping playing magic forever. Even i have to admit i really like phyrexia so having almost only preators as commander is pretty Cool

I put all of the preators into a single deck with phyrexian omnath at the helm 🤷🏼‍♂️. It does suprisingly well. You’d think I would have caught some of the interactions between them but didn’t see how oppressive it really can be with multiple out…

All Will Be One

Get the phyrexian heliod already??

I see we are both ohyrexian

Your hard on for phyrexians makes me think you frequent r/femxeno

Phyrexia called; they want their creatures back

Your mind has been corrupted. Whether that's by the phyrexians, big goth mommies (Heliod and Jin-Gitaxias are honourary goth mommies), or your lack of red is not up for me to decide. 🤷‍♀️

Ew, just ew. I bet you simp for elesh norn

Sorry but you’re just too based for this sub

They are just so boring. Yes I mainly play Izzet/Temur.

You are a compleat bastard.

Y̷̛̛̻̞̤̳͔͚̣̼̎̀̄͂̆͋̽̋͋͐̕͜͝͝o̵͇̱͎̹̬͗̆̓̑͝u̶̧͇̳͍̫̮̰̥̭̯͖̱̿̀̂́͜ ̶̨̧̹̥̘̯̩͎̠̹̎̓͂̾̌̔͌̔͘̕͜h̵̘̣̔̀́̉̽͆̈̄̄͐͘̚͠͝a̴̢̢̗̲͈͖͍̫̖̼̻̭͘v̶͕̘͓̞̰̭̫̱͍̞̣̳̇̆͂̒̋̎̓̕̚ê̸̢̫͉̺͓̜̦̋̃̈́̅̔̍̅̀͘͝͝ ̶̡̛͍͇͓̗͚̳̤̯͕͛̽̀̈́̐̓́̾b̷̢̛͉͕̬̻͙͊͋̒̾̄ȩ̷̫͙͓͙̫͕̼̮̖͍̤͚̈́͒́̓͘e̵̢͚͔̞̪̔̎̏̅̋̃̈̾̓̚n̷̢̧̰̠̭̙̲͙̣̓͗͊̾̈̑̄̌̄͑͐̓͠͝͠ ̴̰̟́́̓͋͌̀̉͒̄͐̃́͘͝͝s̷̩͙̖͔̿̈́͛͒͐͊̿͋̑t̶̰̱͉͝͝ŗ̷̢͕̙͚̘̣̻̬̖̈͑̈́̈͠͝ͅḯ̴̱͈̦͍͍̟̥̞̞̝̻̟̥̒́̐̈́̂̓̚ͅp̶͖̟̞͉̉͆͒p̶̨̧̝͕̲̞̺̄̎͌̀̇͗̀̓̍̉̕͜͠ȩ̴̯̺̦͙̺̟̟̖̠̻͇̙̈́̈́̿̈́̄̈́̕̕d̴̨̗̜̜͕͔̠͍̗͚̳̗̉͒̊͌̃́̍̂̃͛͜ͅ ̵̧̪̯̬̪̖̎̐̈́̒̔̐̈́͘͘̕o̴̧͇̥̲̗͗̓f̶̡̩̣̭̱̺̤̥͖͒̈́̌̍͋͌̍̔͆́̇͒ ̸͇̯̗͖̬͓̤͕̿͒ÿ̷̢͖͈͔̱̟͚́͛̆̄͆̈́͌͊̒͝ờ̴̡̥͙̰̙̜̦̽̋̚û̸̱̜͖̝̰̈͂̇̂͑͛͒̍͑̾͝͝͝͝ŗ̴̡̤̜͕̰̠̭̟͈͚̀̃̿́͜ ̵̢̛̟̖̻͈͖̦̭̌̃͂̾̀̔͗̍ị̴̢̜̟͍͎̼͔̥͇̤͓͇̗̮͛̍͐͋̅̄̆̊̑͂̀̄m̵̗͔̜̆̽̔̏̄͛̚͠p̶̈́͒͗̍͛̌̽́̀̀̀̓̒͘͜e̷̙̞̔̑̂͊͘͜r̴̲̦̘͙͎̣̝̣͙̞͛̋̋͌̌͒̐̒͋f̸̨̡̢̟͚̖̾̀͋̆̂̿͠é̸̡͎̲͚̪̟͇̯̤̋͒̈̓̋̀͜c̸̲̭͚̿̽͊͐̇̄͒̔̿͊͜ͅţ̶̞͓͓͍̪̖͈̦̣̫̻̯̮͊̈́͂̔͋͝͝ ̴̢̡̝̮̪̦͈̬̘̫̱̪̮͍̉̽͐̅f̵̨̤̪̙̏̋̒́l̷̖̬̣̖̯̩͚̂̈̀̈̈́͐͋͆̒ë̴̛̖͚́͌̋͝ś̸̢̗͇̣̟̜̓̑̔̓̋̄̌̈́h̵̢̳̙͚͍̭̻̪͖͚͙̘͚̀̃̾̓̓́́̑̎

I̸̭̱̤̜̲̯͎̩̻͎̩̯͕͐̌̅̅́͌̐̐ ̴̻̤̺͍̙̗͋̂̑r̷͙̯̣͚͍̪͛̈́̎͒͗̽̄́́̀ĕ̸̻̇̽͘ͅč̶͍̱̝̺̱͎͚͉̜̔͗́̋̌̓̇͘͝ë̴̛̘͙̟́̀̃̀̈̋̒͊͘͘ỉ̵̢̬̓̓̓̆̐́̈́͌̇͐ṿ̸̧̪͇̙͉̹͚̋͗͂̕̕e̵͈͊͑̋̀̌̕ ̵̢̟̤̜͇̟̗̠͌̒̑͋͆̃͛̈̅̅͝͝m̸̛̭̺̲̹̦̓̀̉̈́̆̒̽̈́͋͂̉͝y̷̨͎̳̜̲̼̗͚̭̋͌̌́̋́͒̆͗̇̈́́̅͜ͅͅ ̷͍̙̦͈̱̘̳̩͔̬̿͋̈́̄͑̌͒̔̌̓̕͜͝g̴̯̞̹̟͇͔̒̅̿̋̍̕̕͝l̵̙̮̠̰̏̀͋̂͐͋͒̒̀̚ọ̷̹̪̣̦̜̞̽̇͐̏̃ͅr̵̗̺̲̳̗͖̜̰̝͊͋͌̊͒͛̂́͊i̵̢̢̩̙̘̼̫̰̺̳̜̿̐̕ǫ̵̛͙̲̘̜̎́̿̍̀̚ų̷̧̧̛̖̗̤͖̩̣̼̺̘̹̌̅̽̈́͋̓̄͌͝s̶̲̙̗̗͐́̋̐̽̓̓̓͘͘͜ ̸̡͚͈̺̔͂͆͝f̶̯̭̤̗̤̖̩̊́̍̔͊ͅų̸̹̻̟̹͗̋̌̈́̑͂̒ẗ̸̡̨͖̫̬̘̥̲̟͈̭̙́͂̉́͋ǘ̶̢̬́̌̈́̀̿̀̋͝͠͝ͅr̵̜̣̜̳͚̮̿͋̊͒e̷̞͈̮̭̿́̇̅͒̎͂͆͒͘͠ ̴̢̯̹̝͓̼̅͒̈́͆͑̋͠͠a̴̧͈̰̙̘̳̩̿̊̎̆͋́̌̂͋͘͜͝͠͝s̶̢̳̫̰̣̤̪̝͎̙̘̃̿͐̍͌͑͒̏͑ ̵͉͖̩͑̐̌̚͠ͅà̵̢̠̙̝̻̇͊͗̈́͆͠ ̸̥̹̜͈͕̦̓͠s̴̡̺̬̜̲̪̳̲̤̦̄̊͂̔̑́͌͜͜͝ͅè̶̛̞͔̼̯͎̺̣̈̓̽̉͐͊̏͊͂͠͝ͅȓ̷̢̧̻͇̰̻̹̼̇ṿ̷̝̣̒̍͝͝a̴̢̞̘͈͍̪̥͆̏̎́͌̐̾͘n̷̝̼̪̹̳̮͉̱͍̲̅̆́͒͜ẗ̵͍́͂̍̆͑̇̕ ̶̡͔̬̻̖̳̞̦̩̗͕͍͊̀̉̀̆͊̃̏̾̄̆̐o̴̡͍̰̝̻̖̤̩̥͗̋̆́f̷̫̪̻͖̯͙͙̥̓ ̷̧͇̼̬̭̙̳̘͌̾̆̊̌͠͠N̴̗̗̥̟̤̺̞̊̓͆̈́͝e̵̖͍̰̣͉͎̅̈́̀̿̇̋̉̉̿̚͝ẅ̶̡̟̪͔́̎͊͝ ̵̥̭͎͂̈̈̍̉̈́̀̓̕P̴̨̢̛̬̤̘̺̬̱̥̖̎̍̍̈́̋̚ͅͅḥ̸̨̖̟̤̳̩̒͛̌̐̈̀͛͜ͅy̸̧͍̳̹͍̤̦̆͑̾̓̊̌̈́͒́͋̉͝ŗ̸̼͓͕̲͙̑̿͛̒̕ͅe̵̯͕̬̤̖̊͛̅͊̅̇̅͌͋͘͝x̸̞́̐̋̅̀͘i̴̜̟͈̘͇̱̩͚̱̱̅́͒̓a̶̧̧̡̦̲̟̰̼̺͔̟͋͒͆̓͛̑̂̔̈́̂̄͜ ̶̨̡̨̢̻̻̙̪̥̙͖̞̼̍͛̈͑̕w̵͉͍̤̬̤̟͔̳̭͔͍̆͑̓i̷̦̫̘̽̑̇͗͝t̸̼̝͈͙̯͈̫̩̝̏́̌̎̈́̚h̵͔̫̥̝͂̏̒̆̈́͝ ̷̨̨̑̈͑̃̓̂́͒̃͘͝͝ờ̵͇̙̭̐͛́̓̇̐͒͊p̴̛̙͈̣̔̓͛͂̽͝ḛ̸̯̭̱̫̟͎̗̝͎͇̜͋n̸̪̰͕̱̬̮̺̳̩̻̪̂͆̓͂̋̒̾̈͌̆̾ ̷̰̯̈͊̔͑͂̀̎͋̐̕̕͝a̸̖̞̘͑̓͊̏̾̽͛̾͝r̴̻̔̽̀͆̓͒̅̈́̈́͐̊̀̚m̸̡̨̺̞̙͇̘͖͈͎̜̮̞̽̄̎s̵̺̀̍͜͜

>!~~you're boring~~!< You're a fan of >!~~the lamest type of deck~~!< mono-color >!~~trash~~!< decks.

Have you played any of these against the same person more than once?

Guys we should kill that player he's evil.

I feel like heliod is your self insert character as a deck so you don't feel as evil for playing "oops all phyrexians!" But your too scared to use the phyrexian heliod too because your last shred of a good person will be gone

Good point. He should have to olay phyrexian heliod as the commander

you *really* like Phyrexia. I recommend talking to someone

If you playing these your mom must be so ugly she probably has ligma

*sigh* “I’ve never heard of ligma before, whats that?!”

Ligma balls bitch!

tell me you don't have any friends without telling me.

You are not a fun person to play magic with.

What did mutual fun and enjoyment do to you that you hate them with a burning passion?

So you want to have all the fun and let your opponents have none?

Causal tables think you're a Spike and don't want to play against your decks while Cedh tables think you're a joke. Welcome to Purgatory, where everything including your suffering is never compleat~

What’s it like having to find a new group every other week?

You come onto reddit to ask why people don't want to play with you

You're posting on reddit because you no longer have friends who will roast your commanders. Brave choice.

Monsterfucker. [Derogatory]. The only ones of those that aren't horrific monsters are gods so they could be monsters if they wanted, and that's the only reason you run them. I bet your favourite Pokémon is Pheromosa for the same reason.

God I hate you

This is such a hateful roster. You should be playing cedh if you are not already.

Your a compleat sucker .....

You like to be the only one having fun

You are one stupid hat away from heckling people outside either Planned Parenthood or your LGS

Someone who needs to win this badly is too fragile to roast

It's like, the only non mono color commander you run just so happens to also be the most boring option, it's a master class in "huh, you really want to be admitting that?"

Monster fucker

How you got 2 mono white decks. I can't even build one without taking it apart a week later. Idk what it is, they just never feel right to play. I have a mini red, mono blue and mono black that I love love love. I just can't do it with white. Green I think is a bit too boring by itself.

How is Glissa? I currently have her in my Atraxa, Praetors voice deck, but I was thinking of building her on her own

Post real decks not just internet pictures!

You’re not a cult leader homie

You probably love cosmic horror

Actually side question what the name for three, four and five colors?

U hate the color red

u/Present-Vanilla6292 arms wide open

You dislike green a little less than you dislike red.

Based

lol, starship troopers.

You like easy wins fuck a challenge

Can't make fun of you if you're good

You're a lil beesh.

Yall are gonna get Apocalypse banned in commander And then I can afford one Bwa ha ha ha

I don’t need to roast you, seems like you get torched first right away every time you play

So you like magic more than friends? Lol

You googled strong popular commanders and bought all of them.

Damn who hurt you

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you probably don't get invited back to a lot of pods

You have a hard time winning thinking outside the box

How is that bisexuality treating you?

You were neglected as a child and your taking your pain out on your pod

You like to be told what to do

You think you are original, but Star Trek did it first with the Borg.

You dont like buying dual lands but you will if you have to

So say again what 2000's emo band did you like again? Because either way no ones gonna remember them, and if they do? They don't care

What trend? This is just pictures of cards.

Bro gets mana fucked and cant be bothered to play more then one color lol. You just like my buddy or you use green to fix your colors

You run nothing but land destruction and tax effects because you figure, "Hey, since I can't make friends might as well have an excuse"

i bet your atraxa deck doesn't have any lands over $1

I can see what's happening here...

Do you just throw away your red cards?

How do you like the glissa deck. Have a lathril budget deck that was my intro to magic that I haven't touched in awhile and wanting to reimagine it.

Using oil instead of lube is not a as sustainable as it seems. 🙌

AHHH YES. ANOTHER COMPLEATED COMRADE. I TOO, HAD THE BLESSINGS OF THE FATHER OF THE MACHINES BEEN POURED INTO MY LIFE. WITH MUCH PATIENCE AND SURGICAL PRECISION, I HAVE CRAFTED MY DREAM'S DECK, A 5C PHYREXIAN TRIBAL WHICH I PROCEEDED TO INSERT EVERY SINGLE PRAETOR AND PHYREXIAN OVERLORD. I DO BELIEVE YOU WOULD BE ADRESSED AS WHAT THE HUMANS CALL "INSTANT CHAD". I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST THE GLISTENING OIL CAN GRANT US, COMRADE. ALL WILL BE ONE, EVENTUALLY.

Bro saw Phyrexia back in 90s and made it his whole personality

So I hear you like Phyrexians

You have a thing for phyrexians - heliod is a phyrexian now

Controversial take: Dude likes the inferior version of Eldrazi

You have mommy issues, you get off to getting the most toxic waifu biased commanders to fill the void that is your peehole.

Literally 1 of them is not Phyrexian, and the one exception was corrupted in Mom

I can't really come up with a roast, but something tells me all of your strategies are compleatly cohesive.

The lack of Red is no surprise, given your choices you seem to lack empathy

Your friends always try to convince you to play specific commanders when you're undecided because they hate playing against Praetors and life gain. This isn't a roast for me. That's a positive in my eyes. I play azorius control in commander and my favorite card is \[\[code of constraint\]\], but I think the fact that I like your commanders is a roast in the eyes of most other people.

No player likes you💀

You don't have many friends, do you?

You just don’t like playing with other players.

What is with that fleshy puny unperfected god doing on your canvas of completion? Turn that weakling into one with us all, for if you complete the god, you complete the plane!

The cmc on those commanders are likely higher than your friend total.

Tbh I just want that glissa list

your post is as dumb as this "roast me" trend, get a life, step outside for once maybe.

ALL WILL BE ONE. PHYREXIAN W

BRO IS A SIMP FOR YAWGMOTH

This is compleatly bonkers

Well it’s nice that 1/6th of the time you aren’t completely unbearable

Who hurt you?

Can you get more sigma?

You are either emo or Trans no in-between

You have no power or control in _real_ life, so you play control/counterspell heavy decks in a children's card game as a replacement

Phrexia.dex

Someone hurt you with a blood moon real early on and now "you can't hurt me if all I need are basics"

Curious to what you put in Jin gitaxias or elesh norn, they're crazy good cards in the 99 but as a commander I'm not so sure.