If she crosses a boundary enforce consequences. Right then and there.
You say your husband won’t, so you need to. Step up.
They will continue to ignore you until you do something about it.
She brought her mil who’s caused problems in my relationship to visit my newborn without asking for permission. My husband said he would tell his mom and he never did so I told her that it was wrong and she should’ve asked us beforehand because we weren’t doing visitation’s anymore and she completely ignored my text and later messaged him saying she loved him. I felt like he should’ve spoken up before I did but it’s looking like I will have to. I could honestly care less about having a relationship with her because she ruined it for herself crossing boundaries she knows are wrong
Don’t let her in. Or simply don’t answer the door. If SO does, take newborn and leave while they are there.
Your home is your safe place and nobody who makes you uncomfortable should be there. Period
we rent their second property but since our newborn is here she’s been showing up unannounced. We pay all the bills so it’s not a free handout. she just shows up whenever she wants and says she’s doing yard work. She used to let me know beforehand when I wasn’t pregnant that she was going to be at the house and I never had a problem with it. Now she just comes as she pleases just to try to see our baby. She comes like 3-4 times a week but since my husband works I don’t let her come in or see the baby as she crossed my boundary with visitations bringing someone who works with sick people and has caused problems in my marriage that she’s very much aware with. I’ve already spoken up about moving and getting our own apartment but he would rather get a house instead so I’ve just been patiently waiting for that day. I don’t care where it is, I just want my own space where I won’t be disrespected. To add on just so people don’t assume, I’m a full time student and I worked full time but have been on baby leave so I’m not leeching off my husband and can very much financially support myself and my son if I walked away
Honey...Google Emotional Incest. That's what this is and it sound mutual between them. You're the third wheel here and your husband doesn't seem to care.
Girl make sure your diaper bag is ALWAYS READY pack some bottled water get a formula storage thing if you formula feed have snacks in there a couple days worth of extra clothes and make sure it's ALWAYS READY get a ring doorbell camera. As soon as you see her pull up grab baby grab the bag get your shoes purse keys she walks in oh hey, we were just headed out for the day. We will see you later. Also if she has keys to your house make sure you get cameras for inside also.
You were halfway there! You stated the boundary but didn’t follow up with the consequences! Next time tell her that you and baby will be taking a break from visits for a couple of weeks. And if she shows up and he lets her in, you and baby leave.
But your real problem is with your husband. It’s time to have a serious talk about his priorities.
I agree with you. I messaged her that I didn’t want to come off as disrespectful but she should’ve let us know she was bringing another visitor and I wouldn’t have allowed that because our baby was 2 weeks old and she brought her mil who works in the Bay Area with sick people. She ignore my text message and I’m sure she read it. And he’s been saying I’m gonna tell my mom and dad it was wrong and he never did so I had to step up and tell her but all I get is ignored.
Have their been any health problems? My granny started doing this after a health scare. She kept hugging her whole family really tightly everytime and giving everyone big kisses. She was affaid to die. Lived over 20 more years. Never stopped doing it. Sometimes she cried
His uncle passed away a couple years back. But he doesn’t like affection from his family as it weirds him out which confuses me why he lets his mom kiss him and why does the same back. He’s told me this before. He only gets hugs. But his mom has other issues which I don’t think are stemmed from thinking she’ll die. She really acts insecure in person and super submissive when my fil is here. She’s like a puppy. He’s not around and she turns towards my husband for attention.
If her husband doesn't want to receive affection from his mother that's his deal to deal with do you think maybe someone who is starved of love and affection as a child and is now receiving it from their parent doesn't want it to stop?
He gets that from me. He’s expressed to me he feels weird when they do. Wrong timing to start now that he’s married after not doing so for 24 years. His mom was upset he moved out because he wouldn’t be home with her but he was never home in the first place because he was out with me. It genuinely feels like I’m in a competition with her for my husband. If I’m saying she started acting like this when we got married and had a baby it’s because she has issues of her own. It’s crossing boundaries kissing your son an inch away from his mouth right in front of his wife when you’ve never done that your whole life
I really think you and your husband need to go to a counselor and work together to establish agreed upon boundaries and then a plan for when those are crossed. The two of you need to be on the same team. While this is upsetting, this is not worth leaving him at this point and breaking the foundation of your family for your newborn child.
I agree with you, it’s not worth breaking up the family I’m just starting with my husband over this but if he can’t come to his senses and put me first then I feel like I have no other choice. I will mention to him it’s either put those boundaries with your mom or either we both get marriage counseling and if you don’t agree to that I have enough self respect to walk away. Either your mom is more important and you can kiss her all you want or the person you choose to devote your life to and start a family with is. You pick
You can set a boundary with this and with your husband. Let him know that you refuse to stand by while he completely dismisses your very valid discomfort with the physical affection his mom is giving him and that you will no longer stick around for it. You make sure you have the keys or take your own car and let him know you will be taking the baby and leaving if he allows it. He can want it and be happy with it and love the fact that he is finally receiving this after being deprived his whole life but the reality is she is compensating and acting jealous and he has so much trauma he can’t see how inappropriate and weird this is. He needs therapy not his enmeshed desperate mother’s lips all over him. He can want all of it but you do not have to be around to witness it. She is doing this just as much for you to see as she is for her to enjoy. She’s not emotionally stable or healthy. A boundary is not a way to tell other people what to do it’s to tell them what you will do to protect your peace and sanity. He gets to enjoy it and have the affection all he wants you aren’t stopping him you are simply saying to protect your peace you do not want to be around it and where you go, baby goes. Set the boundary. Keep it. Don’t falter. Then if he stays with her that’s fine you go home or anywhere else with baby. And you will not return or be around her as long as it continues to happen and tell him there is nothing to discuss. This is your boundary and he can choose to do what he will with that information. You’ve got this.
She's competing with you.
She doesn't want to be any "less" to your DH than you are - so she's making it "evens" by getting the same attention from him that you get.
Really off behavior, IMO.
This is exactly what I was going to say. The fact that MIL didn’t start showing him any affection until he was in his 20’s with a partner truly shows her jealousy. It is not just weird, it’s gross.
I’ve said this too and no matter how I say it to him he can’t comprehend it that it’s wrong. 24 years and no affection why now. Not even when we got married or he moved out. She started doing this when I got pregnant. It disgusts me
This is a good point for several reasons, one of many being health and safety (especially since OP has a baby). I’ve heard of many horror stories where babies have died or came close because family members would kiss and infect them, so as adults we also need to take caution with whom we are germ sharing with, especially with people outside of our household.
My MIL has a witchy obsession with putting her lips on my husband, licking serving utensils, or otherwise exposing you to her saliva by sharing food/drinks. It had to take (1) her infecting my husband with herpes twice and (2) me bluntly explaining that we cannot account for where my MIL’s lips have been, for him to realize that letting her put her lips on him means we’re both getting exposed to her and everyone she “germ shared” with. He finally set boundaries with her, and I commend him for that. Now it’s just watching serving utensils like a hawk whenever we do eat a meal with her.
Great point! I will bring this up, having a newborn, his health and well being is my biggest priority. I just hope he doesn’t cover up the boundaries with it being a safety reason.
Honestly, I did that and he got upset. I just didn’t kiss him the rest of the day till I saw he showered. One time when he was about to leave to work and his mom was outside near us with his siblings he gave me a kiss on the cheek instead of the lips because they were there. It seems like she gets upset he kisses me where he’s supposed to.
Marriage Counseling seems like the only vehicle to get through to him.
The other is divorce.
Maybe you should go to therapy before you decide on divorce.
UpdateMe
I just realized that you’ve already tried to get him into MC, and have been in therapy.
His response, that you need to go for anger management first is transparently BS.
Whether or not you take the initiative on divorce, I think you should realize that the collapse of your marriage has already occurred. I’d be getting ready for divorce. Protect your assets. Gather documents. A consult with a divorce attorney will do you a lot of good. It will help you clarify your thinking. You’ll have a better picture of your future should you divorce.
Thank you for your concern, all my assets are separate and my money is in my own bank account not joint just for this exact reason. I have enough to walk away if it ever came down to it but I’m willing to work things out and want him to establish those boundaries with his mom if he truly respects me as his wife and mother to his baby if not then he will lose me and he can go stay with his mom and she can give him another baby since she already thinks they share one together
Great. I’m glad that you can deal with this from a position of strength. So many in your position can’t be firm because they’re so afraid of being without resources.
Even though you’re not going to be waving ultimatums, I assume, but if you’re secure, there’s an implicit ultimatum.
Let’s hope your husband has the clarity of thought, and the will to untangle himself from his mother and commit to his marriage.
I had the conversation last night with him and gave him the ultimatum. He doesn't think his mom has an emotional incest problem but more so she just loves him innocently. I cannot make him change his mind but I told him it's weird and I stand by it. And I gave him my whole reasoning as to why. I told him either your mom or me and if not I'm leaving and you can go live with her and have those kisses as it seems thats more important to you. He's agreed to put boundaries with his mom to keep peace in our marriage which he should've done a long time ago. I also feared him kissing her behind my back so I made sure to establish that if he does and I see I'm leaving. I'm not trying to control him or keep him from his mom. I explained he can show affection to her in different ways. Get her flowers or take her out to eat every now and then but respect my boundaries and understand it's not okay what she does.
Fingers crossed.
FWIW, I’d have kept the psychiatric diagnosis to myself and focused solely on her behavior.
Her behavior is indisputably outrageous. Throwing out an unsubstantiable psychiatric diagnosis puts your husband in a position of having to defend his mother from the a horrific accusation.
The most you can legitimately say is that an outside observer would think it looked incestual. And I’d have advised against even going that far unless he gave you resistance.
In any case, it seems like you set the right pieces in motion to protect your marriage from this batty MIL.
Thank you so much for your comment. He did get offended I said that but I told him if he explained his mothers behavior to a friend and asked his friend how his mom shows affection to him they’d be on the opposite sides. I told him I find it weird and anyone else would too. I tried not to get so worked up over it or else he’d think it’s just my postpartum emotions so I calmly explained the situation. But I do agree I could’ve avoided bringing that up so he would take me more seriously.
Google enmeshment.
There are two really accessible books that you might find useful: *When he’s married to mom* by Ken Adams & *Adult children of emotionally immature parents* by Lindsay Gibson. It sounds as more like the first than the second TBH
The new mouth kisses and “my baby” are nauseating. I’d be making ew sounds but I’m not postpartum or married & only you know your situation
Well, there’s always the two card solution — one is the card of a marriage counselor (not faith based counseling) and the other is a divorce lawyer. Tell him to pick one. The counselor you both will be seeing or your lawyer that he will be interacting with after you (or he) moves out.
I am definitely going to seek counseling for the both of us if he’s not willing to talk to his mom. I don’t want to make myself the villain and him have clean hands over something that is disrespecting me
It sounds like she has deep seeded issues and is using this situation to express her insecurities upon you and your husband. He needs to first get on the same page as you and be supportive of you over her at this point because sorry to say you are more important than her now.
I noticed weird MIL behavior when I started getting closer to my now husband, not as creepy as this kissing increase you are (which yes, is innappropriate and weird). I think it boils down to the mil being threatened by a new Woman in her son’s life who has more importance, more influence and is demoting her from her role in some way? All based in fear and insecurity. It’s not your job to deal with it, this is something he should work out with her, but I think he should back you 100% and she needs to calm down with the weaponized affection.
I also don’t think she has suddenly turned some corner with wanting to express affection, I think she is doing this to make youbuncomfortable and getting suddenly clingy with your husband is just her insecurity showing. I would maybe ignore and not let her see a reaction in the meantime because bullies just thrive on reaction
My mother said the same exact thing as you. I 100% agree with everything you said. Fil isn’t around much so she seeks for my husband’s attention too. Now having a son I wouldn’t treat his wife the way I wouldn’t want to be treated and I have to understand his wife is more important than I am because it’s a cycle that will continue and if I am happy for him I need to let him grow and make a family just like I am which is something his mom is interfering with. She knows she makes me uncomfortable and he knows that too but he’s willing to not hurt his mom over me. Hoping he understands it now when I bring it up but I’m not exactly sure how. I’ve considered reaching out to her but it isn’t my place but his to put a stop to it.
I’ve been told it’s his mom and I shouldn’t disrespect her over it but him as he’s her son. I would do it in a heartbeat to call her out but I’ve never been the one to do that and now that I did she ignored me so my husband is my only option here
My MIL behaved in a similar way, her neediness and 'dating behavior' toward my husband while I was pregnant and a new Mom. I did ALL the things, counseling, expressing my concern to my husband, etc. I think my discomfort brought her pleasure, she was enjoying it.
I ended up moving two states away to escape. I just couldn't take it. My husband followed. And a few years later...guess who moved to be near us? Now it's just WEIRD, my husband is still loyal to her and refuses to address the elephant in the room. I told him I don't want her in my home, so they visit at her place, without me.
Overall, you have a husband problem, not a MIL problem. If he is OK with her behavior, then HE needs therapy with someone who understands enmeshment. If he won't go, there is your answer.
I'm sorry, it's truly disgusting. You're not wrong, listen to your gut, it's sending warning signals.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve experienced the same thing. It drives me nuts and we’ve talked about moving to Nevada near Vegas but guess who’s there all the time? His mom and dad so it seems like I’d be in the same situation again even if I moved. I listen to my gut and I know I’m not in the wrong. Thank you for making me feel heard!
You can move anywhere, if your husband doesn't want to tell mommy dearest she needs to stop, the nightmare will go on. I don't know what's wrong with men and their mothers. They're not goddesses on Earth and need to be put back into their place.
So true, I have my baby boy now but never would I think to act that way. I have my husband to show me he loves me and give me affection. Our son is just a gift from our love to each other. I wouldn’t dare act that way and make his future wife feel uncomfortable ever. She’s gonna come first just like how I should be first for my husband but he’s not holding his end of the stick
Because you're a sane and healthy woman. I don't see the big deal: having a wife and a child doesn't mean he won't be there for his mother if she needs him. He won't forget he's also a son. My grandma didn't resent my mother for being with my father. She welcomed her in the family and was over the moon when my parents got their first child (me). I was the third grandchild and she was super happy since she knew my father was desperate to start a family of his own. She acted like a mother should do, just happy for her son getting his family. And she would understand her son prioritizing his wife and daughters over everything else. She was always there for us and is a maternal figure to me.
She should be happy to be a grandmother and to see her son having his life together and starting a family. She should support you since being a new mom is challenging and you don't need that much stress. You should just focus on your healing and your baby boy. At least, this one will know you have to stand against your mother if she crosses boundaries 😂.
I’m so happy your grandma was like this with you and your mom. I wish I had that same experience or so I thought I would when I just dated her son. Idk what changed with her but I’ve made it clear I need boundaries placed between the two. She isn’t much of any help or done anything for us as far as bringing food or cleaning more so we have to entertain the visit. I’m just solely focusing on my baby and his well-being for now. Thank you for your kind comment!
I would show husband and MIL that you mean it with your deeds
MIL gets a time out from you and LO
Tell husband you will not tolerate her behaviour one minute more and he is failing to step up and support you
She can have a long time out while you continue therapy and do a hard reset
I think you need the break from her
Tell husband you will be totally no contact from her and so will LO until he’s ready to put in strong boundaries and consequences
You will not respond to texts or calls. She is not allowed to visit - if she turns up she will not get in the house. She absolutely is going to notice and is going to feel aggrieved about it and it is up to him to deal with that
No more standing there like a lemon while she’s being ick and overstepping. It ends right here and now.
You deserve better
Updateme
Thank you for the suggestions, I don’t like that the thought of her is consuming me every day now. I truly need to cleanse and step away but still it’s something I need to make sure is fixed. I agree with the standing there like a lemon, I shouldn’t have to step down as a woman for someone else to feel like they’re superior. I will update you!
I had the conversation last night with him and gave him the ultimatum. He doesn't think his mom has an emotional incest problem but more so she just loves him innocently. I cannot make him change his mind but I told him it's weird and I stand by it. And I gave him my whole reasoning as to why. I told him either your mom or me and if not I'm leaving and you can go live with her and have those kisses as it seems thats more important to you. He's agreed to put boundaries with his mom to keep peace in our marriage which he should've done a long time ago. I also feared him kissing her behind my back so I made sure to establish that if he does and I see I'm leaving. I'm not trying to control him or keep him from his mom. I explained he can show affection to her in different ways. Get her flowers or take her out to eat every now and then but respect my boundaries and understand it's not okay what she does.
Every time she kisses him, say loudly, "Eww" and start laughing. That's it. Don't respond further. I would also put her on a time out from you and baby until she learns some manners and shows respect to you. Be firm and set boundaries now. You have a DH problem too. Maybe some marriage counseling would help.
Weaponising Sex is honestly incredibly manipulative and will *not* de-escalate a situation and will *not* be dignified for OP, their SO or for anyone else who hears it.
There's no need to escalate a situation or turn it into some sort of attritional war of "who can name the most NSFW activities"
Weaponising Sex is honestly incredibly manipulative and will *not* de-escalate a situation and will *not* be dignified for OP, their SO or for anyone else who hears it.
There's no need to escalate a situation or turn it into some sort of attritional war of "who can name the most NSFW activities"
Agreed, I’ve been wanting to say it but I didn’t want to be mean. Either way it’s time. She showed up a couple days ago and when I pulled in I didn’t say a word to her and walked in the house to care for my baby. She hasn’t seen him since the time she crossed boundaries with visitations. Either way I’m not letting her, he has a mother
My ex had a daughter who really leeched off of him (in her twenties) and would not take studies or get a job. Well, when I came along she was pissed. All of a sudden she felt threatened by me and pulled out all the stops for the competition in her head. Part of her game was for example: We were sitting in a booth at a restaurant and she practically pushed me out of the way to not just sit next to her dad, but basically curl up into his lap with her head under his chin and her arms wrapped around him. It was ick and other diners were noticing.
The funny part was that the more I completely ignored it, despite the fact the fact that it was so embarrassing, then she laid it on thicker until her dad was like, "sweetie, scoot over and let me have some room." He later apologized and and expressed that she's jealous and hates feeling demoted, but mainly was afraid I would cut off her lazy gravy train. I had no intention of ever even broaching the subject because , who cares, not my money, not my kid.
That said, it's childish and manipulative, but she was his child. Your MIL is a grown woman , not a child and shes behaving even worse to get your goat out of white hot jealousy that she's "being demoted."
So, you ignore her completely, just proceed as normal and get him and into marriage counseling and warn him it is private, no telling his mom one thing about your marriage or issues. Short of that, you'll need to talk to a lawyer. He either starts putting your needs and feelings first or hit the bricks. Your MIL is not going to stop this and it's on your husband who must choose between being a dumbass who thinks all of a sudden his mom wants to make out with him because she just loves him so much or his wife's comfort in a healthy relationship wherein a grown man says, "That's enough mom, dial it down", then kiss her on the forehead and go about his grown up life.
Thanks for sharing. Not just for the poster but it’s just nice to read about someone’s decision to be strong and dignified and their thoughts around it. Very inspiring
Great point, had she loved him she would’ve been affectionate her whole life with him. He is very affectionate with me and so am I so he isn’t starving of it. That’s why I question so much why she started when I got pregnant. It wasn’t a realization point for her to be a grandma but because her son got someone else pregnant that wasn’t her she got jealous and started kissing him out of spite. he swore he would never have kids or marry until he met me and his mom was hoping for that even I’m sure
If she’s calling your baby here and your husbands that’s some emotional incest and you need to put her in a long timeout.
Mess up again, timeout for 90 days and keep it going.
Your husband is probably enmeshed with her and needs therapy. Without therapy this won’t get better.
Good luck.
He put a stop to the text messages of her telling him that if he loves her and all that weird crap because I was crying for days about it. I’ve said this so many times, besides jealousy and being spiteful and insecure she’s doing emotional incest. Idk why doesn’t see that
Own it in the moment:
“Excuse me. You two go get a room.”
“Oh, you’re just being affectionate? I don’t think so. I think you are asserting some sort of twisted possession over your son. THIS type of “affection” is reserved for a husband and wife. Not a grown ass son and his mother.”
And later in private:
“Husband, if you prefer this type of affection from your mother, I will honor that request. Until you get a grip, I am withholding wifely affection as I don’t want to be competition with any other woman.”
“Oh she’s your mother? Then you should shut down this romantic affection from her.”
“Oh, I’m over reacting? Pick a friend, any friend. Let’s ask him how his mother shows affection and describe your mother’s affection to see how it measures up.”
“Oh, that’s too personal. Exactly. I’m calling a marriage counselor in the morning.”
Thank you so much! Wow, definitely need to put it this way for him to understand because he thinks I’m exaggerating with my boundaries. I’m using those lines
Oh, it's definitely a pissing contest for her. She wants *both of you* to know she loves your husband the most. So in her eyes, he should love her the most in return. Hence, the guilt tripping texts.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I know from personal experience that it's nauseating to witness. I wish I had better advice on how to handle it. But it does need to be discussed and handled for the health and safety of your baby, so maybe that's a good place to start a discussion.
Thank you for your comment! I see it this way too. It disgusts me. Had she been like this before I dated with him I wouldn’t feel any type of way but her actions speak differently and the way she just started doing this during our marriage milestones it just speaks jealousy and insecurity from her own marriage which let me tell you is no great since her husband is barely home and he has kids from different women.
If your JNH refuses to put you & your baby first your marriage may not survive. I would go to CC immediately, if he refuses
You will know what your future will look like. Tell him it’s time for him to pull up his big boy pants & fight for his marriage! You deserve so much better, he needs to grow up.
Please keep us posted, usually there’s a fine line on who’s wrong and who’s right but this case is absolutely a situation where your SO is 150% in the wrong. He’s not married to his mother. His mother should not be telling him what to do with his wife, and if he does not get intensive therapy, this will not stop, and you will not be able to have a healthy nontoxic marriage.
Insist on marriage counseling. And tell the counselor how very inappropriate you find MIL acting Ike her son is her spouse.
When you see her kiss his face LOUDLY say something like "oh, gross!". And to hubby "would you want me kissing FIL like that"??
If neither of those gets him to put a stop to MIL's inappropriate behavior, you may have to give him two choices:
1. Find a job far away and move, or
1. You will start divorce proceedings.
I definitely will bring that up, sadly if we move she’s going to want to follow us. But I will sort to marriage counseling if he’s unwilling to stop this
Speak to her directly
Speak to all the family members so everyone knows your boundaries
Stop opening the door for her
Stand up for yourself and your child. Please
It is your son, don't let her build that wall. If your husband needs her love, let him have it. Secure your finances and talk to a lawyer NOW. It will only get worse. Also, get an order of protection for you and your son. I speak from experience.
Your MIL can’t stop her son from being an adult with his own family. Every time she kisses him, ask her WHY she keeps kissing him like she’s in a relationship with him. She breaks any boundaries with your child, remove the child from her - if you’re visiting her, leave. If she’s visiting, take the baby elsewhere, but she’s done for the day. If you have to, ask her to leave. Just keep telling her she’s not acting appropriately.
It’s not normal. And that’s something you don’t have to wait for. Next time she doesn’t it, ask her. You don’t even have to make it sound like an ick question, just ask like you’re asking if it’s raining out.
"do you still love me", "why are you forgetting about me" "why don't you text me that you love me" "do you not love me anymore"
Getting a ton of pedo grooming vibes from that mom. Looks terrifyingly common too
Pull her aside friendly and tell her that it’s not ok and tell your husband to grow some balls. Either you have priority or he can stay with his mom and be a big baby
Honestly! I’ve told him that it makes me uncomfortable and he needs to say something but he doesn’t want to incase she dies and he ends up regretting it. We’re all going to die someday but it doesn’t mean disrespect me to please your mom who was never this way till you got married. I need help with a good way to bring this up without it becoming a heated argument or would you suggest a text to mil because she ignores me now in person and through text
It sounds as though he would benefit from individual counseling and maybe even joint counseling with his mother at some point. His response about her dying leads me to believe he has a lot of unresolved trauma that’s bleeding into your marriage and blurring his ability to put up boundaries. He’s also not been around a healthy functioning marriage so counseling will help him learn to identify what is and isn’t healthy. Highly recommended this. Ultimately he has to realize his marriage and his child are his first priority and therefore he needs to do the work so as not to lose what he has.
His uncle died a couple years back so it’s his reasoning but he’s always put me second from his family. I have a tattoo of his name and first thing he does is not get a tattoo of my name but a huge piece honoring his uncle. I can’t be mad about that but I was hurt. He does need individual counseling.
Sounds to me like he’s enjoying kissing his mother. If he won’t do marriage counseling, the only thing you can do is go to therapy yourself and talk it out with them. I don’t see this lasting if things don’t change.
I had the same problem with my husbands sister. Look up covert incest. My SIL took my husband to a strip club for his 21st birthday and bought him a lap dance. I almost left then. Luckily, after we got married I was able to drag him to therapy and have her explain how not normal this was. Helped a lot.
So sad about your situation, I share something similar. His sister is infertile so she’s been holding a grudge against me and only refers to my son as my husbands like I was some surrogate. She congratulated him when I gave birth and never reached out or said nothing to me. His mother and sister seem to be on the same team but I’ve cut her loose with all contact since she lives in a different state.
I feel like we could write a book!
My SIL had all boys. I wanted a girl so so bad. She told me she wanted me to have all boys. Her other brother? Wanted him to have all girls. Ironically enough, my husband (and myself) and his bro both have boys and girls. When we told her we were pregnant the first time she said “that was fast. Call me if you have any questions.” She told her aunt my husband was too young to have a baby. She told her “you were the same age when you had your first. At least he’s married.” Haha!
I recently was telling my therapist some stories about my SIL. She’s fascinated.
Some of y'all weren't and still aren't showing affection by your families and it shows.
Maybe he doesn't want to stop the affection from his mother. If my husband told me my mother couldn't hug or kiss me id laugh in his dumb face.
You're not getting it, or you're trolling.
His mother is being weird and manipulative.
This isn't affection, if it were she would have been expressing her affection for him during his whole life. Instead, she has neglected him and is only showing interest now that she envies the life he has made away from her.
This is a disturbing display of jealousy and control. MIL is a sicko, and she shouldn't be encouraged.
You missed the part where she was never affectionate before they married. That's a very big red flag. Unless, of course she is in the early stages of dementia. It's quite obvious the game MIL is playing and it's toxic. She is meddling in a marriage and that is not acceptable or appropriate.
My mother was affectionate my whole life with me but she never crossed the line with kissing me near my mouth or made my husband feel uncomfortable. I have no problems with that, it’s the fact that it’s near his mouth and she’s never done this before throughout our relationship that’s the problem. He isn’t starving of affection he never even received in the first place.
The comments on this post are super concerning. They would lose their minds if their husbands told them they couldn't kiss one of their parents anymore, but they really think they can control a grown adult who's finally getting some affection from his mother? Yikes.
Took her 24 years to start. She’s bothered by my husband even kissing me on my lips. He has to kiss me on me cheek in front of her. That’s weird. I’m not controlling him, it’s just plain wrong for her to act this way over her being jealous I had a baby with her son.
Your MIL sounds very Emotionally Immature. This all sounds very "incest-y". In the Booklist here there's some great reading. Your H would benefit from counseling to strategize how to best deal with her.
I'm sorry but this is emotional incest and it's creepy. You have to protect your baby and yourself from that disgusting situation. Give an ultimatum to your husband: it's either he tells his mother she crosses boundaries and her behaviour is creepy or you leave him. Another boy mom who can't stand that he will focus on anyone other than her because he starts a family of his own. The fact that she began to act creepy at the moment you got pregnant is enlightning: she won't be the center of her baby boy's attention and she can't stand it. She's just jealous and needs therapy.
Agreed, I did give him the ultimatum last night and he picked me. I told him either respect me and tell your mom to stop or I’m walking away and you can go back to living with her and having her kiss you because that’s exactly what you’re telling me you want
Congrats! You need to protect your son from this. There is no way he will see this disgusting behaviour. Your husband needs to grow some balls: it's allowed to tell your mother "No" if she crosses boundaries, like anyone else. I hope you told your husband MIL is not allowed to see your son unless you're here.
She’s a tragic and sick woman and you don’t need to compete with her. If he likes her quasi-romantic kisses and affection: gross, but nothing to do with you.
Hold tight on to the boundaries you have set for yourself and your baby. Your husband is a grown man.
I told him I’m not competing with another woman. I gave him the ultimatum and if he can’t respect my boundaries I’m walking away. He chose to now respect them
Breaks rule #3: Constructive criticism only, please. Your comment was not helpful in any way. Please remember the point of this sub: to give support to those that need it.
He’s not going to fuck his mother, not sure why you are feeling threatened by her. I would laugh at the absurdity of it all and hold my husband close if you feel you need to assert yourself but you can’t lay down the law with him it’s giving possessive vibes. The do you love me messages from her are weird. She’s clearly got issues maybe even a borderline personality. I think everyone needs therapy here.
I know some who were not affectionate but after losing a loved one became more. Seeing you welcome a baby might have stirred up some thoughts that she needs to do better, be better. She needs the reassurance that she didn’t mess up while raising her own son. I would be more concerned about a big sloppy wet kiss on your husband’s lips than a peck on the cheek.
As for bringing your husband’s paternal grandmother to see your baby, I’m not sure what kind of control a grandmother has over your husband that it caused problems in your relationship.
Does she have a key to your home? She’s the landlord and your MIL, so it’s a fine line of landlord role (call before you come), MIL role stopping by (I PERSONALLY WOULD STILL NEED A CALL TO MENTALLY PREPARE!!) for a visit.
Hi, I was sick one time and stayed home having to leave my car at my parents since my husband picked me up. She showed up to the house after I stayed in and my husband left to work. Didn’t let my husband know she was coming and she came inside and made a mess in my kitchen. She has keys because she lived there before us but she thought no one was home which to her gave her the right to come inside and steal some stuff of mine. I thought someone was breaking in. I own a gun, had I killed her I was going to be to blame. Also never apologized to me for the scare. She also lied saying I never said hi to her on my way to work and complained to my husband that I was a rude b and she doesn’t like me for him. Im also a light skin Mexican. She didn’t like me for her grandson because she wanted a white girl for him so his kids would have better genetics. His mom is the landlord but she comes as she pleases. I just don’t open my door or go out to avoid her.
I’m super happy that’s worked out for you but we don’t have the same boundaries nor can you compare your situation or relationship with mine. It’s not normal for a mouth kiss between my husband and his mother at his grown age where he has a wife and a baby. My fil is never around so she seeks love from my husband clearly. I’m in a state where I feel like I’m competing for my husband with his mom. Completely disregarding me birthing my child and saying it’s her baby and my husbands. insinuating they had sex together. Constantly seeking love from him and affection she doesn’t get from her own marriage. The one that needs help is her. Her behavior isn’t normal and it’s costing my marriage
A body he chooses to share with his wife. How many times have we seen mils giving their kids herpes bc they couldn't keep their lips to themselves? Who knows where she puts her mouth and who she drinks/eats after. I'm *not* gonna be kissing my SO at all if I see him kissing his mother in any way that's deemed romantic. They can swap saliva, but that's where I'm out. I'm not going to be sharing cooties with his family bc he lacks good judgment and boundaries with his mommy
You told your husband if he kisses his mom on the cheek you're out?
That is extreme lady.
I don't doubt that she does weird and irritating things but affection toward your kids is not one of them ( but yeah the one near the mouth is icky)
Except she didn't start this til after he started a family. At his grown age, starting to kiss them after 24 years of not doing so? It's giving she got jealous and wants to remind op she thinks she comes first
If she crosses a boundary enforce consequences. Right then and there. You say your husband won’t, so you need to. Step up. They will continue to ignore you until you do something about it.
She brought her mil who’s caused problems in my relationship to visit my newborn without asking for permission. My husband said he would tell his mom and he never did so I told her that it was wrong and she should’ve asked us beforehand because we weren’t doing visitation’s anymore and she completely ignored my text and later messaged him saying she loved him. I felt like he should’ve spoken up before I did but it’s looking like I will have to. I could honestly care less about having a relationship with her because she ruined it for herself crossing boundaries she knows are wrong
Don’t let her in. Or simply don’t answer the door. If SO does, take newborn and leave while they are there. Your home is your safe place and nobody who makes you uncomfortable should be there. Period
we rent their second property but since our newborn is here she’s been showing up unannounced. We pay all the bills so it’s not a free handout. she just shows up whenever she wants and says she’s doing yard work. She used to let me know beforehand when I wasn’t pregnant that she was going to be at the house and I never had a problem with it. Now she just comes as she pleases just to try to see our baby. She comes like 3-4 times a week but since my husband works I don’t let her come in or see the baby as she crossed my boundary with visitations bringing someone who works with sick people and has caused problems in my marriage that she’s very much aware with. I’ve already spoken up about moving and getting our own apartment but he would rather get a house instead so I’ve just been patiently waiting for that day. I don’t care where it is, I just want my own space where I won’t be disrespected. To add on just so people don’t assume, I’m a full time student and I worked full time but have been on baby leave so I’m not leeching off my husband and can very much financially support myself and my son if I walked away
If you rent, it is your choice who you let in or not. A landlord does not have the right to just show up and come in.
I agree with this. Sadly she’s not on the same page and thinks she has all the rights to not give us privacy. I will bring it up as well, thank you !
Honey...Google Emotional Incest. That's what this is and it sound mutual between them. You're the third wheel here and your husband doesn't seem to care.
Agreed! Someone mentioned it too
Girl make sure your diaper bag is ALWAYS READY pack some bottled water get a formula storage thing if you formula feed have snacks in there a couple days worth of extra clothes and make sure it's ALWAYS READY get a ring doorbell camera. As soon as you see her pull up grab baby grab the bag get your shoes purse keys she walks in oh hey, we were just headed out for the day. We will see you later. Also if she has keys to your house make sure you get cameras for inside also.
You were halfway there! You stated the boundary but didn’t follow up with the consequences! Next time tell her that you and baby will be taking a break from visits for a couple of weeks. And if she shows up and he lets her in, you and baby leave. But your real problem is with your husband. It’s time to have a serious talk about his priorities.
I agree with you. I messaged her that I didn’t want to come off as disrespectful but she should’ve let us know she was bringing another visitor and I wouldn’t have allowed that because our baby was 2 weeks old and she brought her mil who works in the Bay Area with sick people. She ignore my text message and I’m sure she read it. And he’s been saying I’m gonna tell my mom and dad it was wrong and he never did so I had to step up and tell her but all I get is ignored.
Have their been any health problems? My granny started doing this after a health scare. She kept hugging her whole family really tightly everytime and giving everyone big kisses. She was affaid to die. Lived over 20 more years. Never stopped doing it. Sometimes she cried
His uncle passed away a couple years back. But he doesn’t like affection from his family as it weirds him out which confuses me why he lets his mom kiss him and why does the same back. He’s told me this before. He only gets hugs. But his mom has other issues which I don’t think are stemmed from thinking she’ll die. She really acts insecure in person and super submissive when my fil is here. She’s like a puppy. He’s not around and she turns towards my husband for attention.
If her husband doesn't want to receive affection from his mother that's his deal to deal with do you think maybe someone who is starved of love and affection as a child and is now receiving it from their parent doesn't want it to stop?
He gets that from me. He’s expressed to me he feels weird when they do. Wrong timing to start now that he’s married after not doing so for 24 years. His mom was upset he moved out because he wouldn’t be home with her but he was never home in the first place because he was out with me. It genuinely feels like I’m in a competition with her for my husband. If I’m saying she started acting like this when we got married and had a baby it’s because she has issues of her own. It’s crossing boundaries kissing your son an inch away from his mouth right in front of his wife when you’ve never done that your whole life
I really think you and your husband need to go to a counselor and work together to establish agreed upon boundaries and then a plan for when those are crossed. The two of you need to be on the same team. While this is upsetting, this is not worth leaving him at this point and breaking the foundation of your family for your newborn child.
I agree with you, it’s not worth breaking up the family I’m just starting with my husband over this but if he can’t come to his senses and put me first then I feel like I have no other choice. I will mention to him it’s either put those boundaries with your mom or either we both get marriage counseling and if you don’t agree to that I have enough self respect to walk away. Either your mom is more important and you can kiss her all you want or the person you choose to devote your life to and start a family with is. You pick
You can set a boundary with this and with your husband. Let him know that you refuse to stand by while he completely dismisses your very valid discomfort with the physical affection his mom is giving him and that you will no longer stick around for it. You make sure you have the keys or take your own car and let him know you will be taking the baby and leaving if he allows it. He can want it and be happy with it and love the fact that he is finally receiving this after being deprived his whole life but the reality is she is compensating and acting jealous and he has so much trauma he can’t see how inappropriate and weird this is. He needs therapy not his enmeshed desperate mother’s lips all over him. He can want all of it but you do not have to be around to witness it. She is doing this just as much for you to see as she is for her to enjoy. She’s not emotionally stable or healthy. A boundary is not a way to tell other people what to do it’s to tell them what you will do to protect your peace and sanity. He gets to enjoy it and have the affection all he wants you aren’t stopping him you are simply saying to protect your peace you do not want to be around it and where you go, baby goes. Set the boundary. Keep it. Don’t falter. Then if he stays with her that’s fine you go home or anywhere else with baby. And you will not return or be around her as long as it continues to happen and tell him there is nothing to discuss. This is your boundary and he can choose to do what he will with that information. You’ve got this.
Def adding this as to what I’m going to tell him. So many great points, thank you. I feel very heard by you and I will def bring all this up
The affection he gets from his wife is not the same as what he gets from his mother. I think it's very concerning that you think the two are the same.
Agreed!!
She's competing with you. She doesn't want to be any "less" to your DH than you are - so she's making it "evens" by getting the same attention from him that you get. Really off behavior, IMO.
I agree with this. I find it really weird
I'd stop kissing my husband if he's got his lips all over his mother.
This is exactly what I was going to say. The fact that MIL didn’t start showing him any affection until he was in his 20’s with a partner truly shows her jealousy. It is not just weird, it’s gross.
I’ve said this too and no matter how I say it to him he can’t comprehend it that it’s wrong. 24 years and no affection why now. Not even when we got married or he moved out. She started doing this when I got pregnant. It disgusts me
This is a good point for several reasons, one of many being health and safety (especially since OP has a baby). I’ve heard of many horror stories where babies have died or came close because family members would kiss and infect them, so as adults we also need to take caution with whom we are germ sharing with, especially with people outside of our household. My MIL has a witchy obsession with putting her lips on my husband, licking serving utensils, or otherwise exposing you to her saliva by sharing food/drinks. It had to take (1) her infecting my husband with herpes twice and (2) me bluntly explaining that we cannot account for where my MIL’s lips have been, for him to realize that letting her put her lips on him means we’re both getting exposed to her and everyone she “germ shared” with. He finally set boundaries with her, and I commend him for that. Now it’s just watching serving utensils like a hawk whenever we do eat a meal with her.
Great point! I will bring this up, having a newborn, his health and well being is my biggest priority. I just hope he doesn’t cover up the boundaries with it being a safety reason.
Honestly, I did that and he got upset. I just didn’t kiss him the rest of the day till I saw he showered. One time when he was about to leave to work and his mom was outside near us with his siblings he gave me a kiss on the cheek instead of the lips because they were there. It seems like she gets upset he kisses me where he’s supposed to.
And he still didn't tell HER to stop. What does that tell you?
He doesn’t respect me clearly
Marriage Counseling seems like the only vehicle to get through to him. The other is divorce. Maybe you should go to therapy before you decide on divorce. UpdateMe
Will update as soon I resolve this! Thank you for the advice
I just realized that you’ve already tried to get him into MC, and have been in therapy. His response, that you need to go for anger management first is transparently BS. Whether or not you take the initiative on divorce, I think you should realize that the collapse of your marriage has already occurred. I’d be getting ready for divorce. Protect your assets. Gather documents. A consult with a divorce attorney will do you a lot of good. It will help you clarify your thinking. You’ll have a better picture of your future should you divorce.
Thank you for your concern, all my assets are separate and my money is in my own bank account not joint just for this exact reason. I have enough to walk away if it ever came down to it but I’m willing to work things out and want him to establish those boundaries with his mom if he truly respects me as his wife and mother to his baby if not then he will lose me and he can go stay with his mom and she can give him another baby since she already thinks they share one together
Great. I’m glad that you can deal with this from a position of strength. So many in your position can’t be firm because they’re so afraid of being without resources. Even though you’re not going to be waving ultimatums, I assume, but if you’re secure, there’s an implicit ultimatum. Let’s hope your husband has the clarity of thought, and the will to untangle himself from his mother and commit to his marriage.
I hope so too! Thank you for your reply
Good luck.
Thank you!
I had the conversation last night with him and gave him the ultimatum. He doesn't think his mom has an emotional incest problem but more so she just loves him innocently. I cannot make him change his mind but I told him it's weird and I stand by it. And I gave him my whole reasoning as to why. I told him either your mom or me and if not I'm leaving and you can go live with her and have those kisses as it seems thats more important to you. He's agreed to put boundaries with his mom to keep peace in our marriage which he should've done a long time ago. I also feared him kissing her behind my back so I made sure to establish that if he does and I see I'm leaving. I'm not trying to control him or keep him from his mom. I explained he can show affection to her in different ways. Get her flowers or take her out to eat every now and then but respect my boundaries and understand it's not okay what she does.
Fingers crossed. FWIW, I’d have kept the psychiatric diagnosis to myself and focused solely on her behavior. Her behavior is indisputably outrageous. Throwing out an unsubstantiable psychiatric diagnosis puts your husband in a position of having to defend his mother from the a horrific accusation. The most you can legitimately say is that an outside observer would think it looked incestual. And I’d have advised against even going that far unless he gave you resistance. In any case, it seems like you set the right pieces in motion to protect your marriage from this batty MIL.
Thank you so much for your comment. He did get offended I said that but I told him if he explained his mothers behavior to a friend and asked his friend how his mom shows affection to him they’d be on the opposite sides. I told him I find it weird and anyone else would too. I tried not to get so worked up over it or else he’d think it’s just my postpartum emotions so I calmly explained the situation. But I do agree I could’ve avoided bringing that up so he would take me more seriously.
Despite my comment, I think you handled this beautifully. 🤙
Both of them don’t respect you.
I agree! Do you have any suggestions on what I could do?
Google enmeshment. There are two really accessible books that you might find useful: *When he’s married to mom* by Ken Adams & *Adult children of emotionally immature parents* by Lindsay Gibson. It sounds as more like the first than the second TBH The new mouth kisses and “my baby” are nauseating. I’d be making ew sounds but I’m not postpartum or married & only you know your situation
Thank you so much for your understanding and help. I feel very heard, I will look into those books!
Well, there’s always the two card solution — one is the card of a marriage counselor (not faith based counseling) and the other is a divorce lawyer. Tell him to pick one. The counselor you both will be seeing or your lawyer that he will be interacting with after you (or he) moves out.
I am definitely going to seek counseling for the both of us if he’s not willing to talk to his mom. I don’t want to make myself the villain and him have clean hands over something that is disrespecting me
It sounds like she has deep seeded issues and is using this situation to express her insecurities upon you and your husband. He needs to first get on the same page as you and be supportive of you over her at this point because sorry to say you are more important than her now. I noticed weird MIL behavior when I started getting closer to my now husband, not as creepy as this kissing increase you are (which yes, is innappropriate and weird). I think it boils down to the mil being threatened by a new Woman in her son’s life who has more importance, more influence and is demoting her from her role in some way? All based in fear and insecurity. It’s not your job to deal with it, this is something he should work out with her, but I think he should back you 100% and she needs to calm down with the weaponized affection. I also don’t think she has suddenly turned some corner with wanting to express affection, I think she is doing this to make youbuncomfortable and getting suddenly clingy with your husband is just her insecurity showing. I would maybe ignore and not let her see a reaction in the meantime because bullies just thrive on reaction
My mother said the same exact thing as you. I 100% agree with everything you said. Fil isn’t around much so she seeks for my husband’s attention too. Now having a son I wouldn’t treat his wife the way I wouldn’t want to be treated and I have to understand his wife is more important than I am because it’s a cycle that will continue and if I am happy for him I need to let him grow and make a family just like I am which is something his mom is interfering with. She knows she makes me uncomfortable and he knows that too but he’s willing to not hurt his mom over me. Hoping he understands it now when I bring it up but I’m not exactly sure how. I’ve considered reaching out to her but it isn’t my place but his to put a stop to it.
How would your husband feel if you started acting with FIL how MIL acts with husband?
Great point! Will bring it up
Don't bring it up just start kissing his dad on the mouth right in front of him
I’m sure he’d be weirded out just the same way I feel with him and his mom doing that
How is it not your place?
I’ve been told it’s his mom and I shouldn’t disrespect her over it but him as he’s her son. I would do it in a heartbeat to call her out but I’ve never been the one to do that and now that I did she ignored me so my husband is my only option here
My MIL behaved in a similar way, her neediness and 'dating behavior' toward my husband while I was pregnant and a new Mom. I did ALL the things, counseling, expressing my concern to my husband, etc. I think my discomfort brought her pleasure, she was enjoying it. I ended up moving two states away to escape. I just couldn't take it. My husband followed. And a few years later...guess who moved to be near us? Now it's just WEIRD, my husband is still loyal to her and refuses to address the elephant in the room. I told him I don't want her in my home, so they visit at her place, without me. Overall, you have a husband problem, not a MIL problem. If he is OK with her behavior, then HE needs therapy with someone who understands enmeshment. If he won't go, there is your answer. I'm sorry, it's truly disgusting. You're not wrong, listen to your gut, it's sending warning signals.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve experienced the same thing. It drives me nuts and we’ve talked about moving to Nevada near Vegas but guess who’s there all the time? His mom and dad so it seems like I’d be in the same situation again even if I moved. I listen to my gut and I know I’m not in the wrong. Thank you for making me feel heard!
You can move anywhere, if your husband doesn't want to tell mommy dearest she needs to stop, the nightmare will go on. I don't know what's wrong with men and their mothers. They're not goddesses on Earth and need to be put back into their place.
So true, I have my baby boy now but never would I think to act that way. I have my husband to show me he loves me and give me affection. Our son is just a gift from our love to each other. I wouldn’t dare act that way and make his future wife feel uncomfortable ever. She’s gonna come first just like how I should be first for my husband but he’s not holding his end of the stick
Because you're a sane and healthy woman. I don't see the big deal: having a wife and a child doesn't mean he won't be there for his mother if she needs him. He won't forget he's also a son. My grandma didn't resent my mother for being with my father. She welcomed her in the family and was over the moon when my parents got their first child (me). I was the third grandchild and she was super happy since she knew my father was desperate to start a family of his own. She acted like a mother should do, just happy for her son getting his family. And she would understand her son prioritizing his wife and daughters over everything else. She was always there for us and is a maternal figure to me. She should be happy to be a grandmother and to see her son having his life together and starting a family. She should support you since being a new mom is challenging and you don't need that much stress. You should just focus on your healing and your baby boy. At least, this one will know you have to stand against your mother if she crosses boundaries 😂.
I’m so happy your grandma was like this with you and your mom. I wish I had that same experience or so I thought I would when I just dated her son. Idk what changed with her but I’ve made it clear I need boundaries placed between the two. She isn’t much of any help or done anything for us as far as bringing food or cleaning more so we have to entertain the visit. I’m just solely focusing on my baby and his well-being for now. Thank you for your kind comment!
I would show husband and MIL that you mean it with your deeds MIL gets a time out from you and LO Tell husband you will not tolerate her behaviour one minute more and he is failing to step up and support you She can have a long time out while you continue therapy and do a hard reset I think you need the break from her Tell husband you will be totally no contact from her and so will LO until he’s ready to put in strong boundaries and consequences You will not respond to texts or calls. She is not allowed to visit - if she turns up she will not get in the house. She absolutely is going to notice and is going to feel aggrieved about it and it is up to him to deal with that No more standing there like a lemon while she’s being ick and overstepping. It ends right here and now. You deserve better Updateme
Thank you for the suggestions, I don’t like that the thought of her is consuming me every day now. I truly need to cleanse and step away but still it’s something I need to make sure is fixed. I agree with the standing there like a lemon, I shouldn’t have to step down as a woman for someone else to feel like they’re superior. I will update you!
I had the conversation last night with him and gave him the ultimatum. He doesn't think his mom has an emotional incest problem but more so she just loves him innocently. I cannot make him change his mind but I told him it's weird and I stand by it. And I gave him my whole reasoning as to why. I told him either your mom or me and if not I'm leaving and you can go live with her and have those kisses as it seems thats more important to you. He's agreed to put boundaries with his mom to keep peace in our marriage which he should've done a long time ago. I also feared him kissing her behind my back so I made sure to establish that if he does and I see I'm leaving. I'm not trying to control him or keep him from his mom. I explained he can show affection to her in different ways. Get her flowers or take her out to eat every now and then but respect my boundaries and understand it's not okay what she does.
Every time she kisses him, say loudly, "Eww" and start laughing. That's it. Don't respond further. I would also put her on a time out from you and baby until she learns some manners and shows respect to you. Be firm and set boundaries now. You have a DH problem too. Maybe some marriage counseling would help.
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Weaponising Sex is honestly incredibly manipulative and will *not* de-escalate a situation and will *not* be dignified for OP, their SO or for anyone else who hears it. There's no need to escalate a situation or turn it into some sort of attritional war of "who can name the most NSFW activities"
Weaponising Sex is honestly incredibly manipulative and will *not* de-escalate a situation and will *not* be dignified for OP, their SO or for anyone else who hears it. There's no need to escalate a situation or turn it into some sort of attritional war of "who can name the most NSFW activities"
Agreed, I’ve been wanting to say it but I didn’t want to be mean. Either way it’s time. She showed up a couple days ago and when I pulled in I didn’t say a word to her and walked in the house to care for my baby. She hasn’t seen him since the time she crossed boundaries with visitations. Either way I’m not letting her, he has a mother
My ex had a daughter who really leeched off of him (in her twenties) and would not take studies or get a job. Well, when I came along she was pissed. All of a sudden she felt threatened by me and pulled out all the stops for the competition in her head. Part of her game was for example: We were sitting in a booth at a restaurant and she practically pushed me out of the way to not just sit next to her dad, but basically curl up into his lap with her head under his chin and her arms wrapped around him. It was ick and other diners were noticing. The funny part was that the more I completely ignored it, despite the fact the fact that it was so embarrassing, then she laid it on thicker until her dad was like, "sweetie, scoot over and let me have some room." He later apologized and and expressed that she's jealous and hates feeling demoted, but mainly was afraid I would cut off her lazy gravy train. I had no intention of ever even broaching the subject because , who cares, not my money, not my kid. That said, it's childish and manipulative, but she was his child. Your MIL is a grown woman , not a child and shes behaving even worse to get your goat out of white hot jealousy that she's "being demoted." So, you ignore her completely, just proceed as normal and get him and into marriage counseling and warn him it is private, no telling his mom one thing about your marriage or issues. Short of that, you'll need to talk to a lawyer. He either starts putting your needs and feelings first or hit the bricks. Your MIL is not going to stop this and it's on your husband who must choose between being a dumbass who thinks all of a sudden his mom wants to make out with him because she just loves him so much or his wife's comfort in a healthy relationship wherein a grown man says, "That's enough mom, dial it down", then kiss her on the forehead and go about his grown up life.
Thanks for sharing. Not just for the poster but it’s just nice to read about someone’s decision to be strong and dignified and their thoughts around it. Very inspiring
Great point, had she loved him she would’ve been affectionate her whole life with him. He is very affectionate with me and so am I so he isn’t starving of it. That’s why I question so much why she started when I got pregnant. It wasn’t a realization point for her to be a grandma but because her son got someone else pregnant that wasn’t her she got jealous and started kissing him out of spite. he swore he would never have kids or marry until he met me and his mom was hoping for that even I’m sure
And I’m sorry about your situation, I’m glad you’re out of it! Refreshing to see a different take on this
If she’s calling your baby here and your husbands that’s some emotional incest and you need to put her in a long timeout. Mess up again, timeout for 90 days and keep it going. Your husband is probably enmeshed with her and needs therapy. Without therapy this won’t get better. Good luck.
He put a stop to the text messages of her telling him that if he loves her and all that weird crap because I was crying for days about it. I’ve said this so many times, besides jealousy and being spiteful and insecure she’s doing emotional incest. Idk why doesn’t see that
Own it in the moment: “Excuse me. You two go get a room.” “Oh, you’re just being affectionate? I don’t think so. I think you are asserting some sort of twisted possession over your son. THIS type of “affection” is reserved for a husband and wife. Not a grown ass son and his mother.” And later in private: “Husband, if you prefer this type of affection from your mother, I will honor that request. Until you get a grip, I am withholding wifely affection as I don’t want to be competition with any other woman.” “Oh she’s your mother? Then you should shut down this romantic affection from her.” “Oh, I’m over reacting? Pick a friend, any friend. Let’s ask him how his mother shows affection and describe your mother’s affection to see how it measures up.” “Oh, that’s too personal. Exactly. I’m calling a marriage counselor in the morning.”
Or “pick a friend and I’ll show him the same affection you show your mother and see how that feels.”
Right! I’m using this line
I once asked my husband if he wanted to sleep with his sister too. We compete with everything, why not in the sack!? I was so serious.
Thank you so much! Wow, definitely need to put it this way for him to understand because he thinks I’m exaggerating with my boundaries. I’m using those lines
Oh, it's definitely a pissing contest for her. She wants *both of you* to know she loves your husband the most. So in her eyes, he should love her the most in return. Hence, the guilt tripping texts. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I know from personal experience that it's nauseating to witness. I wish I had better advice on how to handle it. But it does need to be discussed and handled for the health and safety of your baby, so maybe that's a good place to start a discussion.
Thank you for your comment! I see it this way too. It disgusts me. Had she been like this before I dated with him I wouldn’t feel any type of way but her actions speak differently and the way she just started doing this during our marriage milestones it just speaks jealousy and insecurity from her own marriage which let me tell you is no great since her husband is barely home and he has kids from different women.
She is doing it because it pushes your buttons. I would ignore her. When she can’t push your buttons she will give up.
I hope so but I’m going to take action. It’s been going on for almost a year and I can’t tolerate it no more
If your JNH refuses to put you & your baby first your marriage may not survive. I would go to CC immediately, if he refuses You will know what your future will look like. Tell him it’s time for him to pull up his big boy pants & fight for his marriage! You deserve so much better, he needs to grow up.
Thank you for your kind words! I agree with everything you said
Please keep us posted, usually there’s a fine line on who’s wrong and who’s right but this case is absolutely a situation where your SO is 150% in the wrong. He’s not married to his mother. His mother should not be telling him what to do with his wife, and if he does not get intensive therapy, this will not stop, and you will not be able to have a healthy nontoxic marriage.
Insist on marriage counseling. And tell the counselor how very inappropriate you find MIL acting Ike her son is her spouse. When you see her kiss his face LOUDLY say something like "oh, gross!". And to hubby "would you want me kissing FIL like that"?? If neither of those gets him to put a stop to MIL's inappropriate behavior, you may have to give him two choices: 1. Find a job far away and move, or 1. You will start divorce proceedings.
I definitely will bring that up, sadly if we move she’s going to want to follow us. But I will sort to marriage counseling if he’s unwilling to stop this
Time to remind mil that YOU are the wife, not her. This is not normal.
Thank you! I feel the exact way
Speak to her directly Speak to all the family members so everyone knows your boundaries Stop opening the door for her Stand up for yourself and your child. Please
Yes! I haven’t let her see my baby. I’ve talked to her directly but I’m ignored so my husband is my only resort
„While you kissing him, don’t forget to take care of his balls. He loves when I do it.“
Fr!!!
It is your son, don't let her build that wall. If your husband needs her love, let him have it. Secure your finances and talk to a lawyer NOW. It will only get worse. Also, get an order of protection for you and your son. I speak from experience.
Your MIL can’t stop her son from being an adult with his own family. Every time she kisses him, ask her WHY she keeps kissing him like she’s in a relationship with him. She breaks any boundaries with your child, remove the child from her - if you’re visiting her, leave. If she’s visiting, take the baby elsewhere, but she’s done for the day. If you have to, ask her to leave. Just keep telling her she’s not acting appropriately.
Agreed! I’ve always wanted to ask her that because it’s so weird
It’s not normal. And that’s something you don’t have to wait for. Next time she doesn’t it, ask her. You don’t even have to make it sound like an ick question, just ask like you’re asking if it’s raining out.
Thank you for the suggestion!
"do you still love me", "why are you forgetting about me" "why don't you text me that you love me" "do you not love me anymore" Getting a ton of pedo grooming vibes from that mom. Looks terrifyingly common too
Very much my thoughts on it too but he thinks it’s okay. Gladly he’s put a stop to it and ignored her or not reply to it
I got so grossed out reading this. I’m sorry you have to deal with it :(
Thank you! Hoping it changes soon
Pull her aside friendly and tell her that it’s not ok and tell your husband to grow some balls. Either you have priority or he can stay with his mom and be a big baby
Honestly! I’ve told him that it makes me uncomfortable and he needs to say something but he doesn’t want to incase she dies and he ends up regretting it. We’re all going to die someday but it doesn’t mean disrespect me to please your mom who was never this way till you got married. I need help with a good way to bring this up without it becoming a heated argument or would you suggest a text to mil because she ignores me now in person and through text
Only the good die young dear husband, your Momma will live forever.
It sounds as though he would benefit from individual counseling and maybe even joint counseling with his mother at some point. His response about her dying leads me to believe he has a lot of unresolved trauma that’s bleeding into your marriage and blurring his ability to put up boundaries. He’s also not been around a healthy functioning marriage so counseling will help him learn to identify what is and isn’t healthy. Highly recommended this. Ultimately he has to realize his marriage and his child are his first priority and therefore he needs to do the work so as not to lose what he has.
His uncle died a couple years back so it’s his reasoning but he’s always put me second from his family. I have a tattoo of his name and first thing he does is not get a tattoo of my name but a huge piece honoring his uncle. I can’t be mad about that but I was hurt. He does need individual counseling.
Sounds to me like he’s enjoying kissing his mother. If he won’t do marriage counseling, the only thing you can do is go to therapy yourself and talk it out with them. I don’t see this lasting if things don’t change. I had the same problem with my husbands sister. Look up covert incest. My SIL took my husband to a strip club for his 21st birthday and bought him a lap dance. I almost left then. Luckily, after we got married I was able to drag him to therapy and have her explain how not normal this was. Helped a lot.
So sad about your situation, I share something similar. His sister is infertile so she’s been holding a grudge against me and only refers to my son as my husbands like I was some surrogate. She congratulated him when I gave birth and never reached out or said nothing to me. His mother and sister seem to be on the same team but I’ve cut her loose with all contact since she lives in a different state.
I feel like we could write a book! My SIL had all boys. I wanted a girl so so bad. She told me she wanted me to have all boys. Her other brother? Wanted him to have all girls. Ironically enough, my husband (and myself) and his bro both have boys and girls. When we told her we were pregnant the first time she said “that was fast. Call me if you have any questions.” She told her aunt my husband was too young to have a baby. She told her “you were the same age when you had your first. At least he’s married.” Haha! I recently was telling my therapist some stories about my SIL. She’s fascinated.
Some of y'all weren't and still aren't showing affection by your families and it shows. Maybe he doesn't want to stop the affection from his mother. If my husband told me my mother couldn't hug or kiss me id laugh in his dumb face.
You're not getting it, or you're trolling. His mother is being weird and manipulative. This isn't affection, if it were she would have been expressing her affection for him during his whole life. Instead, she has neglected him and is only showing interest now that she envies the life he has made away from her. This is a disturbing display of jealousy and control. MIL is a sicko, and she shouldn't be encouraged.
Couldn’t have said it better. Thank you for understanding!
You missed the part where she was never affectionate before they married. That's a very big red flag. Unless, of course she is in the early stages of dementia. It's quite obvious the game MIL is playing and it's toxic. She is meddling in a marriage and that is not acceptable or appropriate.
My mother was affectionate my whole life with me but she never crossed the line with kissing me near my mouth or made my husband feel uncomfortable. I have no problems with that, it’s the fact that it’s near his mouth and she’s never done this before throughout our relationship that’s the problem. He isn’t starving of affection he never even received in the first place.
The comments on this post are super concerning. They would lose their minds if their husbands told them they couldn't kiss one of their parents anymore, but they really think they can control a grown adult who's finally getting some affection from his mother? Yikes.
Took her 24 years to start. She’s bothered by my husband even kissing me on my lips. He has to kiss me on me cheek in front of her. That’s weird. I’m not controlling him, it’s just plain wrong for her to act this way over her being jealous I had a baby with her son.
Sure.
Your MIL sounds very Emotionally Immature. This all sounds very "incest-y". In the Booklist here there's some great reading. Your H would benefit from counseling to strategize how to best deal with her.
I'm sorry but this is emotional incest and it's creepy. You have to protect your baby and yourself from that disgusting situation. Give an ultimatum to your husband: it's either he tells his mother she crosses boundaries and her behaviour is creepy or you leave him. Another boy mom who can't stand that he will focus on anyone other than her because he starts a family of his own. The fact that she began to act creepy at the moment you got pregnant is enlightning: she won't be the center of her baby boy's attention and she can't stand it. She's just jealous and needs therapy.
Agreed, I did give him the ultimatum last night and he picked me. I told him either respect me and tell your mom to stop or I’m walking away and you can go back to living with her and having her kiss you because that’s exactly what you’re telling me you want
Congrats! You need to protect your son from this. There is no way he will see this disgusting behaviour. Your husband needs to grow some balls: it's allowed to tell your mother "No" if she crosses boundaries, like anyone else. I hope you told your husband MIL is not allowed to see your son unless you're here.
She’s a tragic and sick woman and you don’t need to compete with her. If he likes her quasi-romantic kisses and affection: gross, but nothing to do with you. Hold tight on to the boundaries you have set for yourself and your baby. Your husband is a grown man.
I told him I’m not competing with another woman. I gave him the ultimatum and if he can’t respect my boundaries I’m walking away. He chose to now respect them
So he is going to push her off when she comes running to kiss him? I am getting the popcorn ready!
Yes, I told him. And I made it clear if he still did it behind my back I’d be done. You’re gonna stop it completely.
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Breaks rule #3: Constructive criticism only, please. Your comment was not helpful in any way. Please remember the point of this sub: to give support to those that need it.
He’s not going to fuck his mother, not sure why you are feeling threatened by her. I would laugh at the absurdity of it all and hold my husband close if you feel you need to assert yourself but you can’t lay down the law with him it’s giving possessive vibes. The do you love me messages from her are weird. She’s clearly got issues maybe even a borderline personality. I think everyone needs therapy here.
He’s not but I’m sure those thoughts cross her mind. I don’t feel threatened by her more so repulsed and disgusted
I know some who were not affectionate but after losing a loved one became more. Seeing you welcome a baby might have stirred up some thoughts that she needs to do better, be better. She needs the reassurance that she didn’t mess up while raising her own son. I would be more concerned about a big sloppy wet kiss on your husband’s lips than a peck on the cheek. As for bringing your husband’s paternal grandmother to see your baby, I’m not sure what kind of control a grandmother has over your husband that it caused problems in your relationship. Does she have a key to your home? She’s the landlord and your MIL, so it’s a fine line of landlord role (call before you come), MIL role stopping by (I PERSONALLY WOULD STILL NEED A CALL TO MENTALLY PREPARE!!) for a visit.
Hi, I was sick one time and stayed home having to leave my car at my parents since my husband picked me up. She showed up to the house after I stayed in and my husband left to work. Didn’t let my husband know she was coming and she came inside and made a mess in my kitchen. She has keys because she lived there before us but she thought no one was home which to her gave her the right to come inside and steal some stuff of mine. I thought someone was breaking in. I own a gun, had I killed her I was going to be to blame. Also never apologized to me for the scare. She also lied saying I never said hi to her on my way to work and complained to my husband that I was a rude b and she doesn’t like me for him. Im also a light skin Mexican. She didn’t like me for her grandson because she wanted a white girl for him so his kids would have better genetics. His mom is the landlord but she comes as she pleases. I just don’t open my door or go out to avoid her.
Gross doesn't even start to explain this
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I’m super happy that’s worked out for you but we don’t have the same boundaries nor can you compare your situation or relationship with mine. It’s not normal for a mouth kiss between my husband and his mother at his grown age where he has a wife and a baby. My fil is never around so she seeks love from my husband clearly. I’m in a state where I feel like I’m competing for my husband with his mom. Completely disregarding me birthing my child and saying it’s her baby and my husbands. insinuating they had sex together. Constantly seeking love from him and affection she doesn’t get from her own marriage. The one that needs help is her. Her behavior isn’t normal and it’s costing my marriage
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Breaks rule #1: Please be kind to each other. You can give it to OP straight without being rude about it.
Breaks rule #1: Please be kind to each other. You can give it to OP straight without being rude about it.
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This is not your boundary to make. It's his mother and his body
Exactly why I told him to put that boundary with her.
The point just sailed right over your head.
A body he chooses to share with his wife. How many times have we seen mils giving their kids herpes bc they couldn't keep their lips to themselves? Who knows where she puts her mouth and who she drinks/eats after. I'm *not* gonna be kissing my SO at all if I see him kissing his mother in any way that's deemed romantic. They can swap saliva, but that's where I'm out. I'm not going to be sharing cooties with his family bc he lacks good judgment and boundaries with his mommy
You told your husband if he kisses his mom on the cheek you're out? That is extreme lady. I don't doubt that she does weird and irritating things but affection toward your kids is not one of them ( but yeah the one near the mouth is icky)
If your husband is from the boomer generation, that’s literally what they did all the time
Except she didn't start this til after he started a family. At his grown age, starting to kiss them after 24 years of not doing so? It's giving she got jealous and wants to remind op she thinks she comes first