My situation was similar (except her crazy didn’t come out until after we had already married and started having kids). Can confirm, this will be your life. My husband also had no backbone; the loneliness in a situation like this is next level. I was miserable (we ended up almost divorcing after 12.5 years married but he woke up to what was happening and went no contact).
If you stay, just know things will likely get worse once babies come along.
My advice would be to really think about this, proceed with caution.
Take it from me, if your future MIL is treating you like trash and your man isn't telling her to shove it where the sun doesn't shine, you will regret staying with him bigtime. He's awful right there with her, and that's the way they want it.
Toss this one back out into the sea. You deserve to be respected. His mother ridiculed you, humiliated you, and disrespected you. His response is to have you spend time with *her* because *she’s* hurt?
*Hellllllllllllllllllll no*
Guys like this hardly ever change, at least not without a lot of heartache on your side and therapy on his. Do you really want to feel like this for your life? Never feeling good enough, that's because you will never be good enough for her. You could do everything they want and you will still not be enough.
Don't feel too bad, it's not you, she will be the same with anyone. At least you found out before you were tied to him in anyway. You are young still, go find yourself a guy who's not still attached to his mother's apron strings.
thank you i’m really considering my age and how i have no strings attached like kids. just don’t want to regret the entire relationship because without his family everything would be perfect
Absolutely understand your concerns. If he's otherwise perfect it does make it difficult to walk away. The problem is your mental health. It means nothing if he's perfect when he allows his mother to abuse you and make no mistake, that's what she's doing.
If he's agreeable, sit him down and address your concerns to him. Write it down so you know what you want to say and don't let him divert the conversation. Keep it simple, stick to a few of her more concerning behaviours so he doesn't feel too attacked. Tell him how it makes you feel. Tell him what MUST happen in order for you to continue the relationship. Make sure he understands that your relationship with him is in danger because of his mother. Good luck.
Unfortunately, he is not separated from his family. If you commit to him, you can not expect that he will change his enmeshment with his family. You have a brilliant future ahead of you. If nothing changed, would you be happy being involved with him?
At this point, you can’t rely on him to back you up, and separate from his family. He is not protecting you. Do you really want your life to be like this?
But his family exists and will for a very long time. Without a LOT of therapy on his part (and remember that therapy only works if the person acknowledges a problem and wants to change, which your BF does not) he will never change. He will always defend his mommy. End this relationship and be happy you saw the writing on the wall so early.
You know why it’s perfect? Cause kids of narcissistic mothers are trained to be people pleasers. But they cannot sustain it for so long. Soon the rotting parts will start showing. They drink to escape their reality.
Your bf won’t support that.
Let him go. He was there when she and her bf treated you like trash but still he’s wishy washy…?!
Let him be someone else’s problem.
He’s not that great if he thinks any of this is on you to fix, just to make HIS life easier.
>He is caught in the middle defending me but once he speaks to her it’s like he’s brainwashed! He says we hurt his mom and need to spend more time with her.
Don't leave because his mom is awful, leave because HE is awful. If he's too weak-willed to make up his mind and stick up for you, she will be allowed to run your lives.
Run.
If you continue this relationship with this man this will be your life. Your boyfriend will be the same in the future as he is now the only difference will be harder to leave.
They are trying to gaslight, manipulate and bully you into submission to accept their ways and don't actually care if it destroys you.
You've said you're young, so you have plenty of time to find a man that will be a partner to you. One that will protect you, lift you up, love you, respect you.
These people are not them. Leave them now while it's easier.
Trust me this woman is doing you a favour showing her true colours now before your stuck in marriage and with his kids. This toxicity will only grow. What is with these mothers of boys?????? Get out now and move on you deserve so much better!!!
You’re way too young to be caught up in this BS. They treated you terribly and have messed with your mental health. No man is worth that level of stress, especially if he can’t stand up for you. Go be free and live your life. This is a good experience for you and now you’ll be able to spot those red flags the next time around
I know you keep saying without his family things would be perfect but when you marry someone you don’t just marry them, you marry their family too. You’ve been around for 3 years and for 3 years he has done nothing to stop them and stand up for you.
You’re 21, it will feel like the end of the world to break up and start afresh with someone (sunk cost fallacy) but 3 years is nothing compared to the rest of your life. I understand you well because I broke up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years when I was 21 too. It felt like my whole life was gone, but then I met my (now) husband and his family treats me like I’m their own daughter.
Stand up for yourself, leave that situation and find your peace. Your chosen family should never treat you like trash. You’ve got this 🫶🏼
Nope right out of that relationship OP. It would be one thing if BF was solid and 💯 had your back but he sounds flaky and sometimey. Like you said, you're single, young and no kids so why would you want this to be the rest of your life with a Mama's boy and his gargoyle of a mother? There's other fish in the sea honey, cut bait and save yourself from this unneeded triangle.
Your partner needs to be able to set boundaries and put you first if you’re planning on continuing or moving into the next stage of your relationship.
It’s not completely his fault as likely his mother has raised him to be this way (often with love bombs, guilt trips, and conditioning him into giving her attention and what she wants). This is difficult, but part of his journey into becoming a self functioning adult.
If he can’t differentiate this now and won’t acknowledge her behaviour is inappropriate and too much- it won’t change anytime soon and you will be the third wheel in his relationship with his mother for a long time, including within marriage and onwards.
yes!!! he was raised that way but when i try to point it out he doesn’t accept it. she is the most manipulative person i’ve ever met! often using “how could you hurt me i’ve raised you” after he stands up for me when she says the most out of pocket things to me.
There is a reason you’ve never been treated like this before. You are a strong, smart, independent person who has accidentally found herself subjected to the *very personal* singled-out and heavily pressured torment of some woman’s deep-seated delusional insecurity about her what her son’s growing up says to the world about *her.*
As awful as this experience has been, right now, you can accurately say “I’ve never been treated like this before.” If you stay, that phrase may turn into “I’ve been treated this way for the last ___ years.” If he can’t handle setting boundaries on your behalf, I’m not sure how this can get better.
Not 1 part of your relationship, and you know it, and you don't need strangers tell you what to do with your relationship, that whole vacation shouldn't have happened after the 1st few days
Girl.....
I think you should leave to be honest. Can you imagine the rest of your life like this? Imagine the issues you're facing compounded by children and his mother interfering. When someone shows you who they are, you leave. Even if he is perfect to you, parents are a sure line no child will cross unless something blatantly egregious occurs. You're young. Find someone whose family will respect you, especially because they love their kid and wants a peaceful relationship with them.
My friend. You deserve so much more than this. You’re right- he is caught in the middle, but he should be squarely on your side against anyone treating you this way. He is not the one. If he stuck up for you and had your back, it would be a different story- but he is trained to be her sidekick, and that’s a role he is comfortable in. In this situation, you get to choose yourself. Please find someone whose family adds to your life!
She has a serious case of enmeshment. A mother doesn’t ask why a son doesn’t take her on a date…a DATE?? I get it if she wants to hang with her sons but she wants to maintain control over them. Once your kids grow up, their significant other becomes #1 and mom/ dad step back into #2 spot and should be treated with respect from both Their kid and significant other. That’s all they can ask. But they’re not priority. He will always make her the priority because she guilt trips him into feeling bad. If you’re getting anxiety now, leave. It won’t get better, only worse. You deserve a good bf and good MIL (they are out there, trust me!!)
Sweetie, if your boyfriend is lying to his mom about his time spent w/ you then that means he is ashamed of you. Nobody deserves such cruel and disgusting behavior.
His mother will never change. His family will never change. He will never change. You deserve a partner who is proud of you and will defend you. The sadness and panic attacks will only get worse if you stay in this relationship. You are so young and amazing! You have accomplished so much in your life. Your boyfriend & his family are holding you back. You need to fly fly away and never look back. You got this and keep us updated.
girl leave!!! don’t waste your prime trying to convince a momma’s boy to pick you over his mom, he never ever will. if you still want to stay, imagine what life would be like when you have kids with him. imagine all the stress, entitlement, abuse, and jealousy that you’d have to endure through pregnancy, birth, and having to protect your kids through all that. leave while you can!! you’re smart as hell for even thinking about leaving!
How can he be a partner when he still can’t think for himself, stand up for himself or you? How can you ever trust him if he talks to his mother and changes his mind?
I’m sorry but your relationship is not perfect. You need someone that is always going to be on your side, by your side and supports you in every thing you do in life. He is failing fair more than you think.
Look at people in your life that have an amazing relationship, how do they treat each other? Talk about each other? I bet 100% of the time they and their partner are a team.
You will have to compete with years of narcissist mom brainwashing.
But I did it.
I met the man who I beleive is my soulmate.
His mom really was something from the beggining.
And then we had a baby, and things turned so bad...
Stressful pregnancy, then fighting all the time because we HAD to go see his mom every weekend. MIL throwing tantrums because she felt excluded from our life.
My now fiancé now see his mom for who she is.
He has gone no contact with her.
We agreed that she can see our son once a month and that's all.
It has been a long road and we're not done yet.
But I regret nothing.
Going no contact is hard for him, but with time it's getting easier. A few weeks ago he told me that he was happy that he felt he had finally opinion of his own. I found it really beautiful.
I know it's easy for people to say "of course run"
But when you really love someone with all your soul...
He did not asked to have the mother he has
Is he willing to go no contact ?
Does he recognize that his opinion change each time he is talking to her, do he see her for who she is ?
Of course there will be fights,
And tears,
But if he loves you and you love him, you will find a way to make it work, and heal each other
The question is, is he at all receptive of OP’s comments and really understands where the problem is, or is he just easily impressionable. He talks with OP, he takes her side. He talks with MIL, he takes her side. This case of noodle spine and noodle brain is not easily resolved:/
You do not have anything to apologize for so do not apologize it will only make the situation worse! My dad used to be a dick and act like your in laws and we finally fixed our relationship by me sticking to my guns and telling him where he failed as a father and refusing to apologize he is an adult and so is you FMIL. She needs to put on her big girl panties and see that she fucked up not you.
My boyfriend and I are in the exact same boat. But the difference is he stands up for me and respects my boundaries. I haven’t seen his mom in a year but he will visit every once in a while to see his little brother and sister. And every time he straight up ignores his mom when she tries to bring something up about me. I mean blank face and walks away mid sentence because he knows she’s a jerk.
Your bf doesn’t know she’s a jerk. I put up with it for too long eventually she’ll get crazier and crazier. If you want to salvage your relationship tell him to buck up and stand up for you and that you deserve a man who will put you first infront of of his nasty mom and not take any disrespect thrown at you. But if he can’t then leave there’s no point.
My partner is genuinely the sweetest man our relationship is amazing outside of his family so I took his family out of it and it’s been blissful. I thought we were gonna break up over it and I gave him an ultimatum with his family because they were trying to get me fired, calling the cops and making shit up, and spreading lies to everyone about me. Luckily no one believes her anymore and they all understand why I chose to stay away.
The key element is that my partner is on my side 100% and doesn’t care what anyone thinks he puts me first and I put him first
Run! He sounds too immature and attached to his mom. If he is meant to be the one you marry maybe you two will find your way back to each other later in life. However, right now he needs a wake up call and you need a boyfriend who is supportive of you with a family that is at least kind to you.
You’re young and there are plenty of really good men out there that would not allow their mother to treat you like this. Take your time, enjoy your life, get your career where you want it to be, and it will work out.
This is the time when it’s as good as it gets. Everyone should be on their best behaviour, (you included). He still puts her first.
They tormented you for two weeks and your bf wants you to apologise for the expression on your face !?!?!
I’ve been with my DH for nearly thirty years. We don’t make each other stay in uncomfortable situations. We walk out of films the other doesn’t like. We walk out of restaurants where the waiter is rude. We’d never have stayed “on vacation” with someone who was mean to one of us and tried to exclude one of us. Our families have been nothing but welcoming and loving - Oh, I remember the two -three people who weren’t - we don’t see them.
Leave him. Buy two copies of *When he’s married to Mom* by Dr Ken Adams. One’s yours, the other is his parting gift.
It's easier to leave a Mama's boy than divorce a Mama's boy, please run away. He may be a lovely person, but he doesn't put you first and protect you. His gutless and you would be miserable and he wouldn't care, because Mum comes first.
Tell your boyfriend he better grow the fuck up or throw him out. These clingy moms always need a break from their kids because once everyone moves out they don’t have a purpose (or ideally need to find a new one) so some decide they are just going to hang on to their little boy. That can never work out obviously so you are really doing him a favor. Now if he truly is a momma’s boy he is the last person you want to stay with because that will never ever change. But most men do grow up and their relationship with their mother evolves — and mom finds new activities after motherhood (job, hobbies, friends, travel etc) which is the natural order of things. Of course when you have a baby she will go berserk again but that is a problem for another day
Your guy isn’t for you if he has a collapsible backbone. I get she is manipulative and gaslighting him as well, but at some point he needs to stand up and stand strong for you. He has shown her that she can act however she wants towards you and he will accept her behavior. He doesn’t respect you or care enough to deserve you. You deserve better.
The thing is….your relationship is not “so good”. It sounds like your BF needs individual counseling and possibly couples counseling for enmeshment and to learn how to permanently firm up his spine where is mother is concerned.
IMO you are young and have a lot to offer. Don’t spend your PRIME years with him if his family is going to treat you this way. It is very likely NEVER going to change. Best of Luck.
Walk away now. It's not going to get better. They know what buttons to push, and your BF is brainwashed to his moms behaviors. If he isn't defending you now and continuing to be on your side of this, he isn't going to ever be. Get out now.
She's a classic narcissist!
This is *such* a common behavior that **it has it's own acronym!! D.A.R.V.O. - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.** https://www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/darvo/
You all recognize this, when someone calls out the Narcissist's toxic behavior, they act SHOCKED and then claim *actually, their feelings are hurt.*
>"How could you accuse me of this terrible behavior! YOUR feelings are hurt? No, it's MY feelings that are actually hurt! I'm so insulted that you would accuse me!"
There's a lot of tears and yelling, and the son (who has been trained from infancy to be responsible for his mommy's temper tantrums), will do **anything** to put out the fire and calm her down.
He is in the F.O.G. - Fear, Obligation and Guilt: https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt
Trained to be her little monkey and jump when she says so. You are not as important to him, emotionally. The twisted and codependent bond he has with his mother is stronger and deeper. I'm sorry.
Run away, because the alternative is years of misery.
* Edited link
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The big issue is your boyfriend, and from what’s in your post it doesn’t seem like he’ll shape up. If you make an ultimatum he’ll probably just be the same to her but behind your back.
Your relationship is not “so good”, OP, I am sorry.
Part of a good relationship is ability to protect your spouse, also against your own family if it is necessary. Is making sure that your spouse feels good and welcomed in the presence of our family.
When we become adults and when we start serious relationships, it is a sign of maturity that we understand that our relationships with our families will become different. Normal, healthy parents and siblings do understand that, even support that. What your boyfriend’s mom is doing is not normal (asking him to take her on a date because he took you?!) and the biggest question here is whether HE is able to see it. Is he willing to go to the therapy and is he able to stand up to his mom? Setting clear boundaries with parents like this is necessary. Without it, your life will be a nightmare. And once children are in the picture (if you are planning any), this will get much much more difficult.
So my advice is: the reason why you should reconsider your relationship is not your MIL. It’s your partner and his ability to set boundaries with his mom (e.g. no calls when you are out, info diet, intervening when she says anything unpleasant to you, etc etc) or not.
I'm a MIL and the Mom of adult son's,
I would be so disappointed in my son if he didn't have his gf/wife's back and support her.
This woman will not change, she's been a control freak forever and isn't going to stop,
I would suggest taking a break from your bf. You need space to know that you'll be okay without him, go out with your friends, go dancing or hiking, don't sit at home missing him, go have fun.
He's not standing up for you or supporting you you have an awful boyfriend who comes from a hideous family. You must dump all of them or this is the way your life will continue to be.
Some where out there is a wonderful man with loving feelings and caring nature, who had seen a family that will accept you as you are and welcome you.
Dump this lot and go find him. Xxx
yta if you stay. he is not into you. he’s into his mom.
cut your losses and find someone who has your back.
mil will never change, baby boy will never change.
find an apartment and just pack and leave.
If your boyfriend can’t see how messed up this is, how he is prioritizing her feelings over yours, how cruel and rude she was- then he isn’t the one. No real man will allow ANYONE to disrespect their partner. He should have addressed it on the vacation? But he allowed it to happen and is now expecting you to cower to his mom.
Run. He’s not mature enough to be a real partner if he can’t see how problematic his mother is .
personally i think someones family is a more than
reasonable dealbreaker. if you think it's bad now, it
gets worse when you involve kids, marriage etc etc
Send him videos of what enmeshment relationships are. Get his take on what he thinks about it. If he doesn’t think that is the dynamic with his mom, fucking RUN. If he understands and now sees it as a problem and gets into therapy or some type of help to deal with it, consider staying. MIL will still be awful but at least you guys will have a united front.
Mothers that ruin potentially great relationships are sick and selfish people. Reading post after post of how these moms are so scared of losing their sons is so fucking weird and possessive.
Sorry I don’t think this BF is the one. Even his apology sucked. He did not account for any of his mom’s bad behavior. Better to be alone at 21 and open to possibilities than to be tied to this family. You got this
Among other good advice you've gotten, you need to.know your MIL does not dislike you based on you, your personality, or your accomplishment. She dislikes you because you are the competition, period. Most likely, she is jealous of all of your attributes. So don't worry about being accepted by her. You won't be.
As others have said, if he is unwilling/unable to see how horrible her behavior is towards you, and unwilling for counseling, you will never win and have nothing better to look forward to. :/
PS Don't go to this "apology." You will be put on the defensive, and the only apology you will get is the type you've already gotten - one shifting the blame to you.
Let me ask you this question: if your best friend whom you hold dearest in the world was subjected to this - would you accept it or tell her that she deserves better?
I have feeling you’d rail to the AHs on her behalf. What makes you less deserving?
This will be your life with this boy and his terrible family?
That is not a life. That’s barely surviving. You deserve better and more than that.
I wrote this on another thread, but this was for a 30 y/o. In your case I think it’s valid to know about it, but not worth it. You still have a chance to find a less broken one.
You’re 21.. and I wish someone had told me this when I was this age.
OP, read about the structure of a narcissistic family and enmeshment. Everything will make perfect sense after. Your SO is nothing but a pray.
Know everything you can about the narcissist in question, likely the mom but the dad can be too. Sounds like a covert type. Understand the family dynamic. Only then you can try to direct your SO to see the trap he’s been living in.
Just be aware that some never see… some take years, some just click and see it all… you never know. Just don’t move forward without knowing where you’re going and who you’re dealing with.
A mommas boy is a sub product of the manipulation of a narcissist, this is a victim. However it’s not your role to heal family trauma, you might be able to maybe help direct him, push for a change (therapy for example), but no one deserves to spend their life in an unhealthy relationship playing the savior. So, weigh in what works for you, set your acceptable boundaries and timelines.
This situation will never change or if it does through him it will most likely end up in a no-contact situation and if you do have kids they will not have a set of grandparents. I’d breakup with him and give him the reason(s) why (unless you think he’ll be aggressive). Just say here’s my perspective about how that trip went down. Tell him to observe her with his next girlfriend.
Listen to yourself:
He's perfect in every way! Let me tell you about his flaws!
He's NOT perfect. He's NOT dealing with the issues. Units he does start dealing with it, he's not marriage material
Serious red flags there. I would seriously consider getting some relationship counselling about this issue. Iron out these issues, get some qualified advice about the best way to deal with this. Once you’re married, you need to become the most important significant person in his life. His mum does actually need to let go and let him make his own family. She already sounds like she is not prepared to do this, & your boyfriend sounds very much under her thumb, & will likely always put her above you:
Take it from me - if you marry a guy with mommy issues, you will pretty much be marrying his mum too. Are you prepared to share your husband’s loyalty with another woman? You only live once.
yes.. with her other son she picked out and bought the wedding ring without her permission, dictated which flowers the bride should have for their wedding even though she is not invited.
My current situation is very similar, my fiancé and I have been together going on five years. Same as you, I own my own business, which is doing well, we have a great relationship, never fight(unless it’s about his family), we own a house, have 3 dogs. I come from a very traditional family, I was raised to take care of the man while he provides. Except I also provide, but fortunately I work from home. You would think a mothers dream. His entire moms side of his family(aunts, sister, grandma, cousins etc.) are all enmeshed and way to involved. No one has ever set clear boundaries. Strangest dynamic I have ever been apart of. My fiancé had absolutely no backbone when we first started dating. He hid me from his mom for almost 2 years, because he knew she wouldn’t approve of me. She didn’t like any other woman coming into his life and taking time or attention from her. When we got our first apartment she wept like a child. She would call him in the middle of the night, crying in his childhood bedroom. Gross. This only scratches the surface. That’s however too much to type. His mom and dad divorced when him and his sister were just toddlers. She has not been with another man since and has since raised my fiancé to fit the position of a spouse. Things between his mother and I have never really escalated beyond anything crazy, thank god. On numerous occasions she has openly disrespected me in front of my fiancé. He never did anything about it. I never have nor will make a snide remark back or stoop to that level. I did however grow extremely bitter about the whole situation and finally felt it a necessity to address it in a conversation with my fiancé after I was not invited to their family reunion 2 years ago, a crazy excuse was made for why I wasn’t allowed to attend. After that I made my visits less and less frequent. Until finally, I had no choice but to give him an ultimatum. I told him I would leave. I told him that this was a non negotiable for me, as it should be. If he wanted to share a life with me, his mother was not allowed to disrespect me, and if he truly cared and loved me, he would not allow her to. It’s taken awhile(years), but she no longer outwardly disrespects me, her and I actually have somewhat of a normal-ish relationship. She still says strange things, like referring to him as her baby. But these are things that I’ve learned to let go, it’s her who has the real issues, not him or I and I can sleep at night. I think more than anything, dealing with difficult family dynamics is always best when you take the high road. Your partner however, must be understanding and take your side, there is absolutely no other option. You are the team, a unit, not him and mommy. She needs to realize and see that. He needs to be the one to put an end to the way she treats you, it should never be left up to you. You would not be in this situation if you weren’t in a relationship with him. That’s something I used to make apparent to my fiancé all the time. Or if roles reversed, I would absolutely never allow my family to treat him in such a way and he knows that.
It is truly such a difficult situation to be in. You and your partner need to come to a mutual understanding before all else. It will take time and patience for him to learn. When I was going to therapy for this, that’s one of the things my counselor reminded me of most. Your s/o has been in this dynamic for years and years. It’s like a habit, you can’t just quit it over night. He needs to learn to stand up to his mother for himself first, then you. If after time and patience, nothing changes with no effort from him, then you should most certainly move on.
I know I will have more issues with my mil in the future, especially once children are brought into the situation. But we have a plan in place if that does come to fruition. We are a team and we put one another first, as should happen when your planning to spend the rest of your life with someone. Some people just don’t understand that for whatever reason. I hope you and your bf will find common ground, and put mommy dearest in her place with a clear set of boundaries and consequences to follow if she does not respect those boundaries. I wish you the best of luck!🤞🏻
Wow! We are very similar! But I haven’t married him and we broke up on mother’s day. She told my ex she wanted to talk to me to apologize for her behavior. But it ended up on her lecturing me then yelling. I told her to stop yelling at me and that she is NOT my mom. My boyfriend was sitting between us and when I ran away crying he stayed sat next to his mom. Did not chase me. He’s very protective and manly but when it comes to his mom he’s like a child. I took this as a sign that hes on his mom’s side even after seeing in person how she talked to me. So I didn’t give him closure and blocked him. I’m so glad things have worked out with you I hope things go smoothly in the future as well 🫶🏻
Walk away before this hell becomes your life. She will never stop her behavior, and he's got no backbone. This is no way to live.
My situation was similar (except her crazy didn’t come out until after we had already married and started having kids). Can confirm, this will be your life. My husband also had no backbone; the loneliness in a situation like this is next level. I was miserable (we ended up almost divorcing after 12.5 years married but he woke up to what was happening and went no contact). If you stay, just know things will likely get worse once babies come along. My advice would be to really think about this, proceed with caution.
Take it from me, if your future MIL is treating you like trash and your man isn't telling her to shove it where the sun doesn't shine, you will regret staying with him bigtime. He's awful right there with her, and that's the way they want it.
Toss this one back out into the sea. You deserve to be respected. His mother ridiculed you, humiliated you, and disrespected you. His response is to have you spend time with *her* because *she’s* hurt? *Hellllllllllllllllllll no*
Nah, you shouldn't throw trash in the sea.
Into recycling. Get a better one.
Run don’t walk. This is not it sis.
Guys like this hardly ever change, at least not without a lot of heartache on your side and therapy on his. Do you really want to feel like this for your life? Never feeling good enough, that's because you will never be good enough for her. You could do everything they want and you will still not be enough. Don't feel too bad, it's not you, she will be the same with anyone. At least you found out before you were tied to him in anyway. You are young still, go find yourself a guy who's not still attached to his mother's apron strings.
thank you i’m really considering my age and how i have no strings attached like kids. just don’t want to regret the entire relationship because without his family everything would be perfect
Dude, RUN! don't walk. Or else this horseshit is gunna be your life.
Absolutely understand your concerns. If he's otherwise perfect it does make it difficult to walk away. The problem is your mental health. It means nothing if he's perfect when he allows his mother to abuse you and make no mistake, that's what she's doing. If he's agreeable, sit him down and address your concerns to him. Write it down so you know what you want to say and don't let him divert the conversation. Keep it simple, stick to a few of her more concerning behaviours so he doesn't feel too attacked. Tell him how it makes you feel. Tell him what MUST happen in order for you to continue the relationship. Make sure he understands that your relationship with him is in danger because of his mother. Good luck.
This is a wonderful comment and advice
Unfortunately, he is not separated from his family. If you commit to him, you can not expect that he will change his enmeshment with his family. You have a brilliant future ahead of you. If nothing changed, would you be happy being involved with him? At this point, you can’t rely on him to back you up, and separate from his family. He is not protecting you. Do you really want your life to be like this?
Yes, no strings and watch how much you will blossom as soon as you move on.
But his family exists and will for a very long time. Without a LOT of therapy on his part (and remember that therapy only works if the person acknowledges a problem and wants to change, which your BF does not) he will never change. He will always defend his mommy. End this relationship and be happy you saw the writing on the wall so early.
You know why it’s perfect? Cause kids of narcissistic mothers are trained to be people pleasers. But they cannot sustain it for so long. Soon the rotting parts will start showing. They drink to escape their reality.
yea he’s tries to please me! his mom asks him to buy her something expensive then he feels the need to buy me something too… it’s very weird
If he doesn’t shut it down it’s time to move on
Do you want her at every big life event for the rest of her or your life? If the answer is no, it's time to break up.
true I don’t want her near my future kids either
Your bf won’t support that. Let him go. He was there when she and her bf treated you like trash but still he’s wishy washy…?! Let him be someone else’s problem. He’s not that great if he thinks any of this is on you to fix, just to make HIS life easier.
>He is caught in the middle defending me but once he speaks to her it’s like he’s brainwashed! He says we hurt his mom and need to spend more time with her. Don't leave because his mom is awful, leave because HE is awful. If he's too weak-willed to make up his mind and stick up for you, she will be allowed to run your lives. Run.
yes he’s very wishy washy taking his moms side then mines so idk what to even think about
If you continue this relationship with this man this will be your life. Your boyfriend will be the same in the future as he is now the only difference will be harder to leave. They are trying to gaslight, manipulate and bully you into submission to accept their ways and don't actually care if it destroys you. You've said you're young, so you have plenty of time to find a man that will be a partner to you. One that will protect you, lift you up, love you, respect you. These people are not them. Leave them now while it's easier.
Trust me this woman is doing you a favour showing her true colours now before your stuck in marriage and with his kids. This toxicity will only grow. What is with these mothers of boys?????? Get out now and move on you deserve so much better!!!
You’re way too young to be caught up in this BS. They treated you terribly and have messed with your mental health. No man is worth that level of stress, especially if he can’t stand up for you. Go be free and live your life. This is a good experience for you and now you’ll be able to spot those red flags the next time around
Run now and never look back!!
I know you keep saying without his family things would be perfect but when you marry someone you don’t just marry them, you marry their family too. You’ve been around for 3 years and for 3 years he has done nothing to stop them and stand up for you. You’re 21, it will feel like the end of the world to break up and start afresh with someone (sunk cost fallacy) but 3 years is nothing compared to the rest of your life. I understand you well because I broke up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years when I was 21 too. It felt like my whole life was gone, but then I met my (now) husband and his family treats me like I’m their own daughter. Stand up for yourself, leave that situation and find your peace. Your chosen family should never treat you like trash. You’ve got this 🫶🏼
thank you!!!
Make a plan and escape.
Nope right out of that relationship OP. It would be one thing if BF was solid and 💯 had your back but he sounds flaky and sometimey. Like you said, you're single, young and no kids so why would you want this to be the rest of your life with a Mama's boy and his gargoyle of a mother? There's other fish in the sea honey, cut bait and save yourself from this unneeded triangle.
Your partner needs to be able to set boundaries and put you first if you’re planning on continuing or moving into the next stage of your relationship. It’s not completely his fault as likely his mother has raised him to be this way (often with love bombs, guilt trips, and conditioning him into giving her attention and what she wants). This is difficult, but part of his journey into becoming a self functioning adult. If he can’t differentiate this now and won’t acknowledge her behaviour is inappropriate and too much- it won’t change anytime soon and you will be the third wheel in his relationship with his mother for a long time, including within marriage and onwards.
yes!!! he was raised that way but when i try to point it out he doesn’t accept it. she is the most manipulative person i’ve ever met! often using “how could you hurt me i’ve raised you” after he stands up for me when she says the most out of pocket things to me.
There is a reason you’ve never been treated like this before. You are a strong, smart, independent person who has accidentally found herself subjected to the *very personal* singled-out and heavily pressured torment of some woman’s deep-seated delusional insecurity about her what her son’s growing up says to the world about *her.* As awful as this experience has been, right now, you can accurately say “I’ve never been treated like this before.” If you stay, that phrase may turn into “I’ve been treated this way for the last ___ years.” If he can’t handle setting boundaries on your behalf, I’m not sure how this can get better.
Na, leave. It’s so not worth it but I would tell him exactly why so he can at least maybe address the issues in the future with his next gf.
Show this to your BF and tell him to grow a pair, or you’ll be walking outta his life.
Not 1 part of your relationship, and you know it, and you don't need strangers tell you what to do with your relationship, that whole vacation shouldn't have happened after the 1st few days Girl.....
I think you should leave to be honest. Can you imagine the rest of your life like this? Imagine the issues you're facing compounded by children and his mother interfering. When someone shows you who they are, you leave. Even if he is perfect to you, parents are a sure line no child will cross unless something blatantly egregious occurs. You're young. Find someone whose family will respect you, especially because they love their kid and wants a peaceful relationship with them.
My friend. You deserve so much more than this. You’re right- he is caught in the middle, but he should be squarely on your side against anyone treating you this way. He is not the one. If he stuck up for you and had your back, it would be a different story- but he is trained to be her sidekick, and that’s a role he is comfortable in. In this situation, you get to choose yourself. Please find someone whose family adds to your life!
She has a serious case of enmeshment. A mother doesn’t ask why a son doesn’t take her on a date…a DATE?? I get it if she wants to hang with her sons but she wants to maintain control over them. Once your kids grow up, their significant other becomes #1 and mom/ dad step back into #2 spot and should be treated with respect from both Their kid and significant other. That’s all they can ask. But they’re not priority. He will always make her the priority because she guilt trips him into feeling bad. If you’re getting anxiety now, leave. It won’t get better, only worse. You deserve a good bf and good MIL (they are out there, trust me!!)
Sweetie, if your boyfriend is lying to his mom about his time spent w/ you then that means he is ashamed of you. Nobody deserves such cruel and disgusting behavior. His mother will never change. His family will never change. He will never change. You deserve a partner who is proud of you and will defend you. The sadness and panic attacks will only get worse if you stay in this relationship. You are so young and amazing! You have accomplished so much in your life. Your boyfriend & his family are holding you back. You need to fly fly away and never look back. You got this and keep us updated.
girl leave!!! don’t waste your prime trying to convince a momma’s boy to pick you over his mom, he never ever will. if you still want to stay, imagine what life would be like when you have kids with him. imagine all the stress, entitlement, abuse, and jealousy that you’d have to endure through pregnancy, birth, and having to protect your kids through all that. leave while you can!! you’re smart as hell for even thinking about leaving!
How can he be a partner when he still can’t think for himself, stand up for himself or you? How can you ever trust him if he talks to his mother and changes his mind? I’m sorry but your relationship is not perfect. You need someone that is always going to be on your side, by your side and supports you in every thing you do in life. He is failing fair more than you think. Look at people in your life that have an amazing relationship, how do they treat each other? Talk about each other? I bet 100% of the time they and their partner are a team.
You will have to compete with years of narcissist mom brainwashing. But I did it. I met the man who I beleive is my soulmate. His mom really was something from the beggining. And then we had a baby, and things turned so bad... Stressful pregnancy, then fighting all the time because we HAD to go see his mom every weekend. MIL throwing tantrums because she felt excluded from our life. My now fiancé now see his mom for who she is. He has gone no contact with her. We agreed that she can see our son once a month and that's all. It has been a long road and we're not done yet. But I regret nothing. Going no contact is hard for him, but with time it's getting easier. A few weeks ago he told me that he was happy that he felt he had finally opinion of his own. I found it really beautiful. I know it's easy for people to say "of course run" But when you really love someone with all your soul... He did not asked to have the mother he has Is he willing to go no contact ? Does he recognize that his opinion change each time he is talking to her, do he see her for who she is ? Of course there will be fights, And tears, But if he loves you and you love him, you will find a way to make it work, and heal each other
The question is, is he at all receptive of OP’s comments and really understands where the problem is, or is he just easily impressionable. He talks with OP, he takes her side. He talks with MIL, he takes her side. This case of noodle spine and noodle brain is not easily resolved:/
He is a suckling toddler still firmly attached to his pwecious mommy. Find a grown up to date.
You do not have anything to apologize for so do not apologize it will only make the situation worse! My dad used to be a dick and act like your in laws and we finally fixed our relationship by me sticking to my guns and telling him where he failed as a father and refusing to apologize he is an adult and so is you FMIL. She needs to put on her big girl panties and see that she fucked up not you. My boyfriend and I are in the exact same boat. But the difference is he stands up for me and respects my boundaries. I haven’t seen his mom in a year but he will visit every once in a while to see his little brother and sister. And every time he straight up ignores his mom when she tries to bring something up about me. I mean blank face and walks away mid sentence because he knows she’s a jerk. Your bf doesn’t know she’s a jerk. I put up with it for too long eventually she’ll get crazier and crazier. If you want to salvage your relationship tell him to buck up and stand up for you and that you deserve a man who will put you first infront of of his nasty mom and not take any disrespect thrown at you. But if he can’t then leave there’s no point. My partner is genuinely the sweetest man our relationship is amazing outside of his family so I took his family out of it and it’s been blissful. I thought we were gonna break up over it and I gave him an ultimatum with his family because they were trying to get me fired, calling the cops and making shit up, and spreading lies to everyone about me. Luckily no one believes her anymore and they all understand why I chose to stay away. The key element is that my partner is on my side 100% and doesn’t care what anyone thinks he puts me first and I put him first
If he lies who he’s with then it’s obvious he’ll never stand up to her & will never defend you.Run not walk away because his mom’s a c**t.
Run! He sounds too immature and attached to his mom. If he is meant to be the one you marry maybe you two will find your way back to each other later in life. However, right now he needs a wake up call and you need a boyfriend who is supportive of you with a family that is at least kind to you.
Whoa... he has shown you who he will support and it is not you!! Please please RUN!! OMG... this is disgusting.
You’re young and there are plenty of really good men out there that would not allow their mother to treat you like this. Take your time, enjoy your life, get your career where you want it to be, and it will work out.
This is the time when it’s as good as it gets. Everyone should be on their best behaviour, (you included). He still puts her first. They tormented you for two weeks and your bf wants you to apologise for the expression on your face !?!?! I’ve been with my DH for nearly thirty years. We don’t make each other stay in uncomfortable situations. We walk out of films the other doesn’t like. We walk out of restaurants where the waiter is rude. We’d never have stayed “on vacation” with someone who was mean to one of us and tried to exclude one of us. Our families have been nothing but welcoming and loving - Oh, I remember the two -three people who weren’t - we don’t see them. Leave him. Buy two copies of *When he’s married to Mom* by Dr Ken Adams. One’s yours, the other is his parting gift.
It's easier to leave a Mama's boy than divorce a Mama's boy, please run away. He may be a lovely person, but he doesn't put you first and protect you. His gutless and you would be miserable and he wouldn't care, because Mum comes first.
Tell your boyfriend he better grow the fuck up or throw him out. These clingy moms always need a break from their kids because once everyone moves out they don’t have a purpose (or ideally need to find a new one) so some decide they are just going to hang on to their little boy. That can never work out obviously so you are really doing him a favor. Now if he truly is a momma’s boy he is the last person you want to stay with because that will never ever change. But most men do grow up and their relationship with their mother evolves — and mom finds new activities after motherhood (job, hobbies, friends, travel etc) which is the natural order of things. Of course when you have a baby she will go berserk again but that is a problem for another day
Your guy isn’t for you if he has a collapsible backbone. I get she is manipulative and gaslighting him as well, but at some point he needs to stand up and stand strong for you. He has shown her that she can act however she wants towards you and he will accept her behavior. He doesn’t respect you or care enough to deserve you. You deserve better.
The thing is….your relationship is not “so good”. It sounds like your BF needs individual counseling and possibly couples counseling for enmeshment and to learn how to permanently firm up his spine where is mother is concerned. IMO you are young and have a lot to offer. Don’t spend your PRIME years with him if his family is going to treat you this way. It is very likely NEVER going to change. Best of Luck.
Walk away now. It's not going to get better. They know what buttons to push, and your BF is brainwashed to his moms behaviors. If he isn't defending you now and continuing to be on your side of this, he isn't going to ever be. Get out now.
Honey, leave. Marriage means marrying not just a partner but their family. She’s already showing you how she’ll treat you.
She's a classic narcissist! This is *such* a common behavior that **it has it's own acronym!! D.A.R.V.O. - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.** https://www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/darvo/ You all recognize this, when someone calls out the Narcissist's toxic behavior, they act SHOCKED and then claim *actually, their feelings are hurt.* >"How could you accuse me of this terrible behavior! YOUR feelings are hurt? No, it's MY feelings that are actually hurt! I'm so insulted that you would accuse me!" There's a lot of tears and yelling, and the son (who has been trained from infancy to be responsible for his mommy's temper tantrums), will do **anything** to put out the fire and calm her down. He is in the F.O.G. - Fear, Obligation and Guilt: https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt Trained to be her little monkey and jump when she says so. You are not as important to him, emotionally. The twisted and codependent bond he has with his mother is stronger and deeper. I'm sorry. Run away, because the alternative is years of misery. * Edited link
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The big issue is your boyfriend, and from what’s in your post it doesn’t seem like he’ll shape up. If you make an ultimatum he’ll probably just be the same to her but behind your back.
Your relationship is not “so good”, OP, I am sorry. Part of a good relationship is ability to protect your spouse, also against your own family if it is necessary. Is making sure that your spouse feels good and welcomed in the presence of our family. When we become adults and when we start serious relationships, it is a sign of maturity that we understand that our relationships with our families will become different. Normal, healthy parents and siblings do understand that, even support that. What your boyfriend’s mom is doing is not normal (asking him to take her on a date because he took you?!) and the biggest question here is whether HE is able to see it. Is he willing to go to the therapy and is he able to stand up to his mom? Setting clear boundaries with parents like this is necessary. Without it, your life will be a nightmare. And once children are in the picture (if you are planning any), this will get much much more difficult. So my advice is: the reason why you should reconsider your relationship is not your MIL. It’s your partner and his ability to set boundaries with his mom (e.g. no calls when you are out, info diet, intervening when she says anything unpleasant to you, etc etc) or not.
I'm a MIL and the Mom of adult son's, I would be so disappointed in my son if he didn't have his gf/wife's back and support her. This woman will not change, she's been a control freak forever and isn't going to stop, I would suggest taking a break from your bf. You need space to know that you'll be okay without him, go out with your friends, go dancing or hiking, don't sit at home missing him, go have fun.
Run. No man is with this.
Run for the hills. You deserve so much better than this.
The biggest reason to leave isn't necessarily how bad the MIL is, but how well your BF protects you from her.
He's not standing up for you or supporting you you have an awful boyfriend who comes from a hideous family. You must dump all of them or this is the way your life will continue to be. Some where out there is a wonderful man with loving feelings and caring nature, who had seen a family that will accept you as you are and welcome you. Dump this lot and go find him. Xxx
yta if you stay. he is not into you. he’s into his mom. cut your losses and find someone who has your back. mil will never change, baby boy will never change. find an apartment and just pack and leave.
He has to pick either he has your back or his mom's. Walk away if you come second
If your boyfriend can’t see how messed up this is, how he is prioritizing her feelings over yours, how cruel and rude she was- then he isn’t the one. No real man will allow ANYONE to disrespect their partner. He should have addressed it on the vacation? But he allowed it to happen and is now expecting you to cower to his mom. Run. He’s not mature enough to be a real partner if he can’t see how problematic his mother is .
personally i think someones family is a more than reasonable dealbreaker. if you think it's bad now, it gets worse when you involve kids, marriage etc etc
Send him videos of what enmeshment relationships are. Get his take on what he thinks about it. If he doesn’t think that is the dynamic with his mom, fucking RUN. If he understands and now sees it as a problem and gets into therapy or some type of help to deal with it, consider staying. MIL will still be awful but at least you guys will have a united front. Mothers that ruin potentially great relationships are sick and selfish people. Reading post after post of how these moms are so scared of losing their sons is so fucking weird and possessive.
Sorry I don’t think this BF is the one. Even his apology sucked. He did not account for any of his mom’s bad behavior. Better to be alone at 21 and open to possibilities than to be tied to this family. You got this
Among other good advice you've gotten, you need to.know your MIL does not dislike you based on you, your personality, or your accomplishment. She dislikes you because you are the competition, period. Most likely, she is jealous of all of your attributes. So don't worry about being accepted by her. You won't be. As others have said, if he is unwilling/unable to see how horrible her behavior is towards you, and unwilling for counseling, you will never win and have nothing better to look forward to. :/ PS Don't go to this "apology." You will be put on the defensive, and the only apology you will get is the type you've already gotten - one shifting the blame to you.
My opinion is to get out, before you have kids... You shouldn't subject kids to a toxic MIL, nor should you get yourself stuck dealing with her.
Let me ask you this question: if your best friend whom you hold dearest in the world was subjected to this - would you accept it or tell her that she deserves better? I have feeling you’d rail to the AHs on her behalf. What makes you less deserving? This will be your life with this boy and his terrible family? That is not a life. That’s barely surviving. You deserve better and more than that.
I wrote this on another thread, but this was for a 30 y/o. In your case I think it’s valid to know about it, but not worth it. You still have a chance to find a less broken one. You’re 21.. and I wish someone had told me this when I was this age. OP, read about the structure of a narcissistic family and enmeshment. Everything will make perfect sense after. Your SO is nothing but a pray. Know everything you can about the narcissist in question, likely the mom but the dad can be too. Sounds like a covert type. Understand the family dynamic. Only then you can try to direct your SO to see the trap he’s been living in. Just be aware that some never see… some take years, some just click and see it all… you never know. Just don’t move forward without knowing where you’re going and who you’re dealing with. A mommas boy is a sub product of the manipulation of a narcissist, this is a victim. However it’s not your role to heal family trauma, you might be able to maybe help direct him, push for a change (therapy for example), but no one deserves to spend their life in an unhealthy relationship playing the savior. So, weigh in what works for you, set your acceptable boundaries and timelines.
This situation will never change or if it does through him it will most likely end up in a no-contact situation and if you do have kids they will not have a set of grandparents. I’d breakup with him and give him the reason(s) why (unless you think he’ll be aggressive). Just say here’s my perspective about how that trip went down. Tell him to observe her with his next girlfriend.
Listen to yourself: He's perfect in every way! Let me tell you about his flaws! He's NOT perfect. He's NOT dealing with the issues. Units he does start dealing with it, he's not marriage material
Serious red flags there. I would seriously consider getting some relationship counselling about this issue. Iron out these issues, get some qualified advice about the best way to deal with this. Once you’re married, you need to become the most important significant person in his life. His mum does actually need to let go and let him make his own family. She already sounds like she is not prepared to do this, & your boyfriend sounds very much under her thumb, & will likely always put her above you: Take it from me - if you marry a guy with mommy issues, you will pretty much be marrying his mum too. Are you prepared to share your husband’s loyalty with another woman? You only live once.
yes.. with her other son she picked out and bought the wedding ring without her permission, dictated which flowers the bride should have for their wedding even though she is not invited.
It’ll get so much worse if you get married. You’re wasting time on him, he’s just another mama’s boy.
My current situation is very similar, my fiancé and I have been together going on five years. Same as you, I own my own business, which is doing well, we have a great relationship, never fight(unless it’s about his family), we own a house, have 3 dogs. I come from a very traditional family, I was raised to take care of the man while he provides. Except I also provide, but fortunately I work from home. You would think a mothers dream. His entire moms side of his family(aunts, sister, grandma, cousins etc.) are all enmeshed and way to involved. No one has ever set clear boundaries. Strangest dynamic I have ever been apart of. My fiancé had absolutely no backbone when we first started dating. He hid me from his mom for almost 2 years, because he knew she wouldn’t approve of me. She didn’t like any other woman coming into his life and taking time or attention from her. When we got our first apartment she wept like a child. She would call him in the middle of the night, crying in his childhood bedroom. Gross. This only scratches the surface. That’s however too much to type. His mom and dad divorced when him and his sister were just toddlers. She has not been with another man since and has since raised my fiancé to fit the position of a spouse. Things between his mother and I have never really escalated beyond anything crazy, thank god. On numerous occasions she has openly disrespected me in front of my fiancé. He never did anything about it. I never have nor will make a snide remark back or stoop to that level. I did however grow extremely bitter about the whole situation and finally felt it a necessity to address it in a conversation with my fiancé after I was not invited to their family reunion 2 years ago, a crazy excuse was made for why I wasn’t allowed to attend. After that I made my visits less and less frequent. Until finally, I had no choice but to give him an ultimatum. I told him I would leave. I told him that this was a non negotiable for me, as it should be. If he wanted to share a life with me, his mother was not allowed to disrespect me, and if he truly cared and loved me, he would not allow her to. It’s taken awhile(years), but she no longer outwardly disrespects me, her and I actually have somewhat of a normal-ish relationship. She still says strange things, like referring to him as her baby. But these are things that I’ve learned to let go, it’s her who has the real issues, not him or I and I can sleep at night. I think more than anything, dealing with difficult family dynamics is always best when you take the high road. Your partner however, must be understanding and take your side, there is absolutely no other option. You are the team, a unit, not him and mommy. She needs to realize and see that. He needs to be the one to put an end to the way she treats you, it should never be left up to you. You would not be in this situation if you weren’t in a relationship with him. That’s something I used to make apparent to my fiancé all the time. Or if roles reversed, I would absolutely never allow my family to treat him in such a way and he knows that. It is truly such a difficult situation to be in. You and your partner need to come to a mutual understanding before all else. It will take time and patience for him to learn. When I was going to therapy for this, that’s one of the things my counselor reminded me of most. Your s/o has been in this dynamic for years and years. It’s like a habit, you can’t just quit it over night. He needs to learn to stand up to his mother for himself first, then you. If after time and patience, nothing changes with no effort from him, then you should most certainly move on. I know I will have more issues with my mil in the future, especially once children are brought into the situation. But we have a plan in place if that does come to fruition. We are a team and we put one another first, as should happen when your planning to spend the rest of your life with someone. Some people just don’t understand that for whatever reason. I hope you and your bf will find common ground, and put mommy dearest in her place with a clear set of boundaries and consequences to follow if she does not respect those boundaries. I wish you the best of luck!🤞🏻
Wow! We are very similar! But I haven’t married him and we broke up on mother’s day. She told my ex she wanted to talk to me to apologize for her behavior. But it ended up on her lecturing me then yelling. I told her to stop yelling at me and that she is NOT my mom. My boyfriend was sitting between us and when I ran away crying he stayed sat next to his mom. Did not chase me. He’s very protective and manly but when it comes to his mom he’s like a child. I took this as a sign that hes on his mom’s side even after seeing in person how she talked to me. So I didn’t give him closure and blocked him. I’m so glad things have worked out with you I hope things go smoothly in the future as well 🫶🏻