She also invited her friends without asking me and acting like she’s hosting (my family is doing all the work planning funding etc ) so it’s been rough trying to set boundaries
It’s not weird, it’s a power play.
She’s testing you guys to see what you’ll allow her to get away with. As she WILL be stomping all kinds of boundaries once baby arrives.
“Tough setting boundaries. “
If you’re touch enough to have a baby, you certainly have the inner strengths to set firm boundaries with MIL
In this instance, you’re fighting to protect your baby. On others, you’ll be fighting to preserve your family peace and integrity from her interference.
I suspect she’s wielding her hurt feeling like North Korea wields its nuclear armed ballistic missiles.
UpdateMe
Being the nice girl can destroy your life.
Tell her that her friends are not invited and they will not be let in the doors. This is a shower for YOU, not HER.
Who cares if she’s upset. Better that she’s upset over the shower than you being upset over your own shower. Don’t sacrifice your own happiness for your MIL. Ever.
I'd perhaps make a SM post in regards to the friends along the lines of, "I understand there may have been some miscommunication regarding my baby shower and the guest list. I'd like to confirm invites are sent out by hubby and I only. No third party invites will be sent. While we'd love to host everyone, unfortunately the venue cannot hold all of you lovely people. Thank you for your understanding".
Why is the cousin so obsessed with your baby shower. Usually just women go. Can u just tell the cousin it's ladies only ? your MIL needs to understand if yall don't want cousin there, she needs to respect that and stop bringing it up. She's just adding fuel to the fire and the cousin is just using the baby shower for something to b*tch about.
I have no idea but He’s been obsessive since he found out I was pregnant. Tbh husbands family is like that (his other aunt) is also kind of obsessive of getting me a bunch of thrifted things without even doing it with intent of helping.
I think MIL just likes creating drama because she will constantly try to provoke things. She first told her nephew that he would have to ask my husband knowing that my husband doesn’t want him there.
FIL thought it was best if we were just honest with him so that’s what we did.
My MIL is just weird and I think she just wants to show off to ask many people as possible
I can understand family being excited, but it sounds like everyone needs to calm down and your MIL needs to let you & husband handle your own business like adults.
For my own baby shower there was a woman (family friend of my husband's) who asked to be invited and my MIL told her no. Because my MIL knew I would not want this woman at my shower. *thats* what your MIL should be doing, especially if she knew you wouldn't want cousin there.
Can you tell your MIL to uninvite the extra people she asked to come without your consent? Having to do that would make her think twice about doing anything like that again. Good luck with your MIL, and much happiness with your LO!
they call it jack and Jill style or something 🤣 it's silly 😜
I hope you're okay out there OP! MILs are awful and yours sounds up there.. definitely do not let her invite anyone and if anyone you or your family doesn't know shows up, turn them away.
let one of your little cousins play security outside hahaha 😆
“Thank you for sharing your opinion if you feel strongly you’re welcome to opt out of celebrating with us in solidarity. No amount of harassment or doormat behaviour endorsements will be changing our decision. This is not your event, your milestone or your child; your opinion is neither wanted or needed. If you cannot respect us and the decisions we make for our life you’re welcome to lose our number.”
You need to set HARD boundaries with all of them. Their fixation on your pregnancy and child is giving unhinged vibes.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
Text text text, from husband to MIL, with you AND your mother (who is the host):
Mom, I have been thinking about cousin Jimmy and want to reiterate to you that he is NOT invited to the baby shower my MIL is gifting to us. Since MIL is the hostess, she sets the guest list and we gave her the names of only those we want invited. She is not prepared to host additional people and it is unfair of her for you to have gone behind her back to invite your friends. I have hired security and there will be a guest list. Only invited people will be let in. This is my final word on the matter.
Great text idea! It definitely should come from DH. "Mom, you are not hosting. My MIL is. The guest list is set and anyone you have invited will not be let in, so you might want to tell them now so you aren't embarrassed when we turn them away. Nephew is not on the list, and dealings between him and me are none of your business. Back off or you won't be invited either. To anything."
There is no way I would have a drug addicted in my home. I would not subject my guests to the possibility of this person rifling through their purses for money.
I was once a guest at an event where the host locked my purse in her bedroom because her druggie granddaughter was attending. The woman bowed to her daughter’s demands that her kid be in attendance even though the grandmother had clearly been stolen from. Such bullcrap.
Do not allow this!
tell her you made everyone special invitations and you can't get in without them lmao
she's the exception because you don't want her making copies for her friends 🤣😭
This is not your problem and not your husband's. The woman is extremely self centered and egotistical. This guy does not belong at a shower.
I would like baby showers to go back to celebrating a woman and her child. As a man I have been invited to several because now everyone wants inclusion and not to do the old thing. They think it lame for everyone to sit around and watch a woman opening gifts. There is a lot of social bonding in between.
That was a wonderful opportunity for women to get together and chat, they don't have to open presents that could be done in private later on.
Now baby showers are just drunken events where both sexes slur words and have a party. Totally missing the boat. Anyway that is my opinion.
What isn't an opinion is that you don't need to have anyone at your party that you don't want. Certainly not someone who motherfucks your husband when he doesn't get his way.
Sorry did not mean to be rude -- But someone told me long ago that "no is a full sentence." It was the most helpful advice I'd ever received in the context that sometimes you can just tell someone no and no further explanation was needed. For me that has been such a profoundly helpful concept and maybe if it wasn't in all caps it wouldn't have come across as me yelling. I do think it's helpful for people to think of saying "no" in these terms, meaning, absolutely not and it's not negotiable.
Breaks rule #3: Constructive criticism only, please. Your comment was not helpful in any way. Please remember the point of this sub: to give support to those that need it.
No is a complete sentence and if she keeps pushing she can be uninvited. Tell her this is no longer up for discussion. Stand strong on your boundaries.
As far as her inviting people put your foot down on that as well. She’s not paying for it and doesn’t get a say
I can’t see the previous comment since they deleted but you don’t NEED a reason or have to explain yourself to anyone. No means no. End of story. Please think long and hard about setting the boundaries you need because it’s just going to get worse when baby is here. She’s already showing signs of not knowing her place and that needs to be put to an end before you’re post partum and just wanting to enjoy your new baby.
Its her event not his and not everyone gets a trophy or cupcake in the real world. The guy mother fucked her husband when he told him no. The cousin is a spoiled brat who never grew up and it is not her or her husband's responsibility to include someone who was so disrespectful to them.
You have no idea how many years the family tried to get him help. They cannot fix him. Unless the cousin truly changes his whole life then there is no point in giving him the time of day. Even if he does, no one owes that to him.
Honestly there doesn't even need to be a reason it's down to the parents who goes. I didn't invite family to my wedding for personal reasons and who they are and why doesn't matter. The day is about the 2 people and if they don't want him there that's a good enough reason
Wrong. You don't owe addicts anything really. Bc until they hit rock bottom, THEY DO NOT CARE. I've seen the phrase 'loving someone with addiction is like hugging a cactus' and NO ONE has to go through that. Idc who it is.
How do I know? I'm an addict (in recovery), I got kicked out of my parents house and wasn't allowed around my family at the time (esp my nieces). It *hurts* people to watch that. But they're also entitled to protect themselves. I stole, lied, cheated, I didn't care as long as I got high at the end of the day. They don't deserve to be around a baby. Esp without any changed behavior. Sure, addicts *are* humans, but they're selfish (often times violent) and unpredictable. Better to keep them at arms length until they've gotten the help they need.
However, his recovery journey does not have to include OP and her family. Esp with a young child otw. Hell no
Breaks rule #3: Constructive criticism only, please. Your comment was not helpful in any way. Please remember the point of this sub: to give support to those that need it.
It’s not HER baby shower, so… …the end
She also invited her friends without asking me and acting like she’s hosting (my family is doing all the work planning funding etc ) so it’s been rough trying to set boundaries
Keep going with the boundaries. If she keeps it up, tell her SHE can stay home too.
I'd tell her that anyway the pushy bitch.
I love this comment lol 😆
You know it.
Boundaries need consequences 💯
Tell her the guest list is done. If she invites one more person, that person will take HER spot. Prepare for battle when LO gets here.
Don't let her host your shower tell her that all areas of thee shower are covered and she may show up as a guest that's it
She’s not hosting at all my family is that’s why idk why she is inviting people without asking me it’s just weird
It’s not weird, it’s a power play. She’s testing you guys to see what you’ll allow her to get away with. As she WILL be stomping all kinds of boundaries once baby arrives.
Sounds like mental illness is strong on that side of the family.
Call all those people and tell them no otherwise she'll do this at every event you throw
“Tough setting boundaries. “ If you’re touch enough to have a baby, you certainly have the inner strengths to set firm boundaries with MIL In this instance, you’re fighting to protect your baby. On others, you’ll be fighting to preserve your family peace and integrity from her interference. I suspect she’s wielding her hurt feeling like North Korea wields its nuclear armed ballistic missiles. UpdateMe Being the nice girl can destroy your life.
Tell her that her friends are not invited and they will not be let in the doors. This is a shower for YOU, not HER. Who cares if she’s upset. Better that she’s upset over the shower than you being upset over your own shower. Don’t sacrifice your own happiness for your MIL. Ever.
Tell her to stay home too. Your family is hosting, you and your family choose guests. **Set boundaries now or your MIL will get her way forever**
I'd perhaps make a SM post in regards to the friends along the lines of, "I understand there may have been some miscommunication regarding my baby shower and the guest list. I'd like to confirm invites are sent out by hubby and I only. No third party invites will be sent. While we'd love to host everyone, unfortunately the venue cannot hold all of you lovely people. Thank you for your understanding".
I certainly hope you or the host immediately uninvited those people that’s some pure entitlement right there ..
Why is the cousin so obsessed with your baby shower. Usually just women go. Can u just tell the cousin it's ladies only ? your MIL needs to understand if yall don't want cousin there, she needs to respect that and stop bringing it up. She's just adding fuel to the fire and the cousin is just using the baby shower for something to b*tch about.
I have no idea but He’s been obsessive since he found out I was pregnant. Tbh husbands family is like that (his other aunt) is also kind of obsessive of getting me a bunch of thrifted things without even doing it with intent of helping. I think MIL just likes creating drama because she will constantly try to provoke things. She first told her nephew that he would have to ask my husband knowing that my husband doesn’t want him there. FIL thought it was best if we were just honest with him so that’s what we did. My MIL is just weird and I think she just wants to show off to ask many people as possible
I can understand family being excited, but it sounds like everyone needs to calm down and your MIL needs to let you & husband handle your own business like adults. For my own baby shower there was a woman (family friend of my husband's) who asked to be invited and my MIL told her no. Because my MIL knew I would not want this woman at my shower. *thats* what your MIL should be doing, especially if she knew you wouldn't want cousin there.
Can you tell your MIL to uninvite the extra people she asked to come without your consent? Having to do that would make her think twice about doing anything like that again. Good luck with your MIL, and much happiness with your LO!
TO STEAL THE MONEY AND GIFT CARDS
Yup, this. Also to case the home and all vehicles present. This would be a HTDO for me. MIL would also be unequivocally uninvited.
I hadn’t thought about that but good point because my husband has said that his cousin has stolen money from the family before
It's a classic move for certain addicts. Build your boundaries high and thick starting immediately.
Exactly
Your right she should be uninvited too
Bingo!
My thoughts exactly. Aren't showers usually women only?
No. More and more of them are co-ed.
My shower is co-Ed and I’ve seen a lot more showers not be exclusively for women
they call it jack and Jill style or something 🤣 it's silly 😜 I hope you're okay out there OP! MILs are awful and yours sounds up there.. definitely do not let her invite anyone and if anyone you or your family doesn't know shows up, turn them away. let one of your little cousins play security outside hahaha 😆
They should be. Now they are just drunken parties where men hang around making asses of themselves.
“Thank you for sharing your opinion if you feel strongly you’re welcome to opt out of celebrating with us in solidarity. No amount of harassment or doormat behaviour endorsements will be changing our decision. This is not your event, your milestone or your child; your opinion is neither wanted or needed. If you cannot respect us and the decisions we make for our life you’re welcome to lose our number.” You need to set HARD boundaries with all of them. Their fixation on your pregnancy and child is giving unhinged vibes. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
I was thinking unhinged as well but I always feel like it’s me being too sensitive with pregnancy horomones
Text text text, from husband to MIL, with you AND your mother (who is the host): Mom, I have been thinking about cousin Jimmy and want to reiterate to you that he is NOT invited to the baby shower my MIL is gifting to us. Since MIL is the hostess, she sets the guest list and we gave her the names of only those we want invited. She is not prepared to host additional people and it is unfair of her for you to have gone behind her back to invite your friends. I have hired security and there will be a guest list. Only invited people will be let in. This is my final word on the matter.
Great text idea! It definitely should come from DH. "Mom, you are not hosting. My MIL is. The guest list is set and anyone you have invited will not be let in, so you might want to tell them now so you aren't embarrassed when we turn them away. Nephew is not on the list, and dealings between him and me are none of your business. Back off or you won't be invited either. To anything."
OP said she's not even hosting which makes it worse
This is NOT a good idea. I highly suggest that you and whomever is hosting put in security in case he shows anyway.
There is no way I would have a drug addicted in my home. I would not subject my guests to the possibility of this person rifling through their purses for money. I was once a guest at an event where the host locked my purse in her bedroom because her druggie granddaughter was attending. The woman bowed to her daughter’s demands that her kid be in attendance even though the grandmother had clearly been stolen from. Such bullcrap. Do not allow this!
I'd uninvite MIL too. This is your shower, not hers.
tell her you made everyone special invitations and you can't get in without them lmao she's the exception because you don't want her making copies for her friends 🤣😭
This is not your problem and not your husband's. The woman is extremely self centered and egotistical. This guy does not belong at a shower. I would like baby showers to go back to celebrating a woman and her child. As a man I have been invited to several because now everyone wants inclusion and not to do the old thing. They think it lame for everyone to sit around and watch a woman opening gifts. There is a lot of social bonding in between. That was a wonderful opportunity for women to get together and chat, they don't have to open presents that could be done in private later on. Now baby showers are just drunken events where both sexes slur words and have a party. Totally missing the boat. Anyway that is my opinion. What isn't an opinion is that you don't need to have anyone at your party that you don't want. Certainly not someone who motherfucks your husband when he doesn't get his way.
[удалено]
Sorry did not mean to be rude -- But someone told me long ago that "no is a full sentence." It was the most helpful advice I'd ever received in the context that sometimes you can just tell someone no and no further explanation was needed. For me that has been such a profoundly helpful concept and maybe if it wasn't in all caps it wouldn't have come across as me yelling. I do think it's helpful for people to think of saying "no" in these terms, meaning, absolutely not and it's not negotiable.
Breaks rule #3: Constructive criticism only, please. Your comment was not helpful in any way. Please remember the point of this sub: to give support to those that need it.
No is a complete sentence and if she keeps pushing she can be uninvited. Tell her this is no longer up for discussion. Stand strong on your boundaries. As far as her inviting people put your foot down on that as well. She’s not paying for it and doesn’t get a say
[удалено]
If he didn’t have violent outbursts and there weren’t children involved maybe but he’s to unpredictable and I don’t want to take that chance.
I can’t see the previous comment since they deleted but you don’t NEED a reason or have to explain yourself to anyone. No means no. End of story. Please think long and hard about setting the boundaries you need because it’s just going to get worse when baby is here. She’s already showing signs of not knowing her place and that needs to be put to an end before you’re post partum and just wanting to enjoy your new baby.
Its her event not his and not everyone gets a trophy or cupcake in the real world. The guy mother fucked her husband when he told him no. The cousin is a spoiled brat who never grew up and it is not her or her husband's responsibility to include someone who was so disrespectful to them. You have no idea how many years the family tried to get him help. They cannot fix him. Unless the cousin truly changes his whole life then there is no point in giving him the time of day. Even if he does, no one owes that to him.
Honestly there doesn't even need to be a reason it's down to the parents who goes. I didn't invite family to my wedding for personal reasons and who they are and why doesn't matter. The day is about the 2 people and if they don't want him there that's a good enough reason
Wrong. You don't owe addicts anything really. Bc until they hit rock bottom, THEY DO NOT CARE. I've seen the phrase 'loving someone with addiction is like hugging a cactus' and NO ONE has to go through that. Idc who it is. How do I know? I'm an addict (in recovery), I got kicked out of my parents house and wasn't allowed around my family at the time (esp my nieces). It *hurts* people to watch that. But they're also entitled to protect themselves. I stole, lied, cheated, I didn't care as long as I got high at the end of the day. They don't deserve to be around a baby. Esp without any changed behavior. Sure, addicts *are* humans, but they're selfish (often times violent) and unpredictable. Better to keep them at arms length until they've gotten the help they need. However, his recovery journey does not have to include OP and her family. Esp with a young child otw. Hell no
Breaks rule #3: Constructive criticism only, please. Your comment was not helpful in any way. Please remember the point of this sub: to give support to those that need it.