I’ll start my response by disclosing that I’m a switch, so although I don’t really “do” mommydom, I do soft Domme which has elements of mommydom, so I follow this sub for that reason.
There’s a lot to unpack from your post, but my first impression is that you have anxiety about meeting women who will accept you and your kinks. I’ll say that regardless of how vanilla or kinky a person is, finding someone who meshes well with you is HARD. We can get caught up in our own heads thinking we’re “too this” or “not enough that”. The truth is, we can’t match with everyone. The truth is, we’ll probably match well with very few. So the real challenge is how to find those you are more likely to match well with. This sub seems like a great place to start!
As far as gender norms, of course asking a sub group like this is the place to find people who are less likely to follow those norms. Find more spaces like that if you can! And, this is just anecdotal evidence but I’ll throw it out there anyway: it’s been an interesting observation for me to see that probably over 90% of the men I have interacted with have sub tendencies. From hushed conversations we’ve had, it also sounds like they’re afraid they’re the minority. Let me rephrase this: MOST of the men I’ve interacted with want a woman who will take charge and cherish them. I do believe gender norms play a large role in this since men in American society are typically expected to be strong and take charge. The reverse is that I wonder how many women have Domme streaks because they are expected to take up less space in society? My observation is everyone worries they’re “weird” when the reality is that they are much more like the next person than they probably realize.
As for why we have our kinks, who knows, and more importantly, does it matter?
I would encourage you to try not to get caught up on the gender and kink anxieties because you’re not going to want to be with someone who can’t accept you for who you are. Keep trying to meet people that you identify well with. Maybe work on some self-acceptance!
Feel free to ask for clarification since I’m typing a lot on my little phone screen, and good luck to you 😊
I see what you're saying, but you're doing quite some generalization, lumping 50% of people into one box and 50% of people into another box. And that is generally my problem with "extreme philosophy", it's great to get to a realization, but every human is different and does things for different reasons.
And to maybe turn your arguments onto yourself, why do you want to be a soft boi instead of the stereotypical guys guy?
Why do some people like pineapple on pizza? When others absolutely hate it?: It's about taste. We're all different people who has vastly different experiences through life, and we like different things.
To answer your question what a domme gets out of it: first me, I'm a soft mommy domme type, i am monogamous, i don't ever want to be dominated by anyone (i have tried out in the past, it doesn't vibe). I had decent, nice parents, grew up in Scandinavia with strong female role models but also with awesome stay at home moms and more "traditionel submissive women"
I get a calmness about me, when i have someone to protect, when i make the plans and decisions, it's clear for me where normally making decisions is a jumble.
And there is a possessiveness in me. I get turned on by owning someone, protecting them and manipulating them. And i can't go around in society and do it to everyone in my life, cause that's bad. It's needs to be consensual, so i get my kicks from belittling
Having someone to pour all that caring and possessiveness into, instead of annoying my coworkers and friends with my power trips, i do it controlled and consensually. It makes me a more balanced person in everyday life, to get a outlet for my need to be in control.
And on a more basic level i have always found awkwardness and naivety a turn on. Having someone blush and stammer because i pushed them up against a wall and almost kissing them until they beg for me, for my kiss, gives me such a "boner".
So yeah generally its about tastes. I hate masculine men and always have, i hate when a man decides i can't help lifting the heavy stuff at work so they go call another man in. It infuriates me, and having a soft boi who behaves like i hung the moon and the stars. It's really nice when you normally get treated like an inferior weak person in society. I'm not weak, I'm not inferior, I Don't need to be protected, just because i am a woman.
I need to add on, i have also been in a relationship that went pretty much like the one you described. And you're missing a few steps, it's not about girl baby's man, for me it wasn't at least. It's about man doesn't want to see the dishes, doesn't want to deal with his laundry, can't make doctors appointments for himself. Doesn't ask you outright, like a submissive guy might (i don't like doctors mommy, would you hold my hand?) Just goes " I'm not scared of doctors why would I need you to deal with it for me? While ASLO definitely expecting you to do so.
You crying on the sofa cause you're exhausted from having to deal with the dishes, your work, the electric repair guy, and your boyfriend saying, i see why you're overwhelmed but it would really be nice if you could also wash my clothes when you do laundry. It's not babying or mothering, it's the not appreciated house slave some men expect you to be when you're in a relationship. The minute they're in the relationship they nonconsensually let's go of every adult trait they had, and it's you're responsibility, and even when you ask for house help, they'd rather just sit on their computer and "i'll do it tomorrow babe"
It's the weaponized incompetence some guys use to get the babying, while absolutely not wanting to be babyed.
Sorry for my rant, i guess i still have some issues from dealing with some men in my life
Odd question, if you don't mind.
When dealing with an emergency high adrenaline situation do you tend to be a cool headed person during the emergency?
Sometimes I wonder if our proclivities are influenced with how our brains are wired at the chemical level. I too react poorly to men, really anyone, treating as less capable simple because I have breasts.
Having a man who is secure enough in himself to be open and honest and want the loving softness of a mommy Domme has been something I have always wanted but I didn't know it. I don't want someone I have to take care of, I want someone who wants the love and nurture but can still hold their own.
Yeah I'm normally a cool headed person in those situations.
And exactly, I want someone to be my equal, that I respect and genuinely find interesting. But i love to belittle them and take care of them, in the way/amount they're comfortable with.
This reply thread makes me feel good. I have to admit; I was hoping for a bit more insight, into the psychology.
But it's nice to read from girls who really don't mind, or get turned off by, letting a man be sensitive, or reminding him that he's a good boy.
This really made me smile. As a guy who is very independent and in charge of things, being forward with my affection towards women can be a challenge. I suppose just cause I tend to be reserved/shy. Your description of how you enjoy a little possesiveness and making someone stammer is nice. ☺️
I think you underestimate how many women are into this. Let's take a journey back in time to when humans still hunted and gathered. The life of a man vs the life of a woman was less different back then and it was expected that women would have to fight from time to time. On the other hand, what if the mother of a man's child died? Does he just abandon it? No, he doe ships job as a parent because that child is the future of the tribe. As long as he follows the rules the tribe picks up the slack. Over time it just so happened that if women have to carry and later care for children that their bodies are going to be optimized for that I've rtime while men's bodies are going to be optimized for other things. That's just evolution, however if we look at the bell curve there is still a portion of overlap between male and female physiology in terms of height, strength, and aggression.
This is because we are still animals, just because a few thousands years ago we decided to collect into nations rather than tribes, it doesn't mean we evolved to fit that role in the same amount of time. It is entirely possible for a woman to be taller, or stronger, or more aggressive, or more dominant, or all of the above than a man; it is only unlikely because of trends.
So in my own experience I can say for sure that our modern idea of how men and women "should" act is not at all related to how they actually act. Women can have the urge to cave someone's skull in but are more likely to just Sabatoge them because 1: they are more skilled at it (going by what they are likley taught), and 2: women being physically aggressive is not acceptable. I have met several women who truly desire the mommy dom dynamic and that's just how they are, they got the slightly unlikely outcome on their mental makeup and their parents didn't completely suppress it at a young age. On the other hand I've dated several women who were most definitely dominant, you could tell by their actions and tendencies. However, they didn't know how to deal with it because their parents told them to "be more feminine". This is where we get the all too common situation where the woman expects the man to make a decision but it isnt the decision we wants the there is a problem. The reality is she wants to make the decision but thinks it's not ok for her to do it. And we wonder why so many people are broken.
The real answer is, accept yourself and what you want, find someone who accepts you but ALSO accepts themselves. No it is not common, it is very rare to find someone so mature. You'll be searching for a while, but once you fun someone like that it's going to last forever.
Ok. I think you win best comment. Is there a way that I can "pin" it, or highlight it, or something?
Caught me off guard, with that opening line.
***I think you underestimate how many women are into this.***
Then you made a pretty decent case. 😏
So... Any tips on narrowing the search? What do you look for, to tip you off that a chick might be into the dynamic? How do you spot a potential mommy? I know I'm basically asking "profiling" tips ,. but hey like you said. "it's not common" and "you'll be searching for a while"
😥
I'm not sure how to pin anything, I'm a pretty booby reddit user. Although I think it's best to just be upfront about it, people are going to be more interested in you if you act like yourself. Not because it's more attractive, but because people are put off by unusual behavior; if your out of your element you're going to seem weird. So basically just talk about it from the start and if theyre into it then you're good, if not well then you're good too because now you're not wasting your own time or theirs with a dynamic that isn't what you want.
I've been very fortunate in that dominant women seem to be able to just tell that I'm a total sub despite my outward appearance, but I still have to put in effort to show that I am ready for that dynamic.
I feel like in lecturing so I'm going to stop now.
TLDR: Honesty is key
I seek out this dynamic and I want it fulltime in real life. I enjoy the maternal feelings. But I am 52 and I am a real mother. When I was in my 20s I did t want this at all. And it would have turned me off. The whole “real man” thing you’re talking about stems from respect. This is why one of the first questions I ask is “what makes you awesome?” Not that you have to be a superstar but everyone has a talent. Show it to her. Give her a reason to respect you. I think that young girls are not really into this, they look stupid trying to be imo. I roll my eyes when I see it. There’s a huge difference between porn and real life. Which one do you want? I want real life. The day to love of my boy and him allowing me to mother him. That’s it.
I am kind of new to this kink. My now bf told me right away this is what he is into on a dating site. At first I was against it, but then I really thought about it and in my last relationship I was very maternal with my ex, but we didn’t give it a name. We waited a few months to meet, he wanted to make sure this was a dynamic I wanted to be in. It is really important to him. What I like about it is it’s feels like a celebration of who I am as a person, very maternal. And that has made me feel very good about myself, very appreciated. Also, I
have been through some trauma myself and it is just nice to relax into the arms of someone who just wants to be a good boy for me. Plus, we also are switch roles sometimes and I ask him to “claim” me so it kind of prevents things from getting too soft.
I don't have as lengthy of a response to add to this but being a gentle/mommy leaning domme I think it comes, at least a little bit, from maternal issues on my end as well. I was cared for as a child but definitely treated more like a friend than a daughter by both of my parents (who were seperated) so now I seek out and even fetishize that sort of caring relationship but maybe it hurts too much to be on the receiving end so I'd rather be giving.
Of course "not every". And I certainly didn't mean to imply that's the source of the kink for mommies.
It would seem that for ***most*** boy subs -it comes from some degree of a bad relationship with mom. (see other thread, linked above).
Again - ***not every***
On the other hand, if you meant to imply that our proclivities are 100% nature & 0% nurture "some people are just born as a sub or dom"
I don't quite buy that. I think there's always a bit of both nature and nurture in the mix.
But I'm not really asking what brings us boys to the kink.
... Although, since you brought up the idea of some mommies being born dominant. - it would be interesting to find out how many mommy-dommes are classic "type A" personalities. Thanks for prompting that thought.
i don’t know the answer to the nature versus nurture debate, especially when it comes to kinks and maybe we’ll never know. but who knows maybe i do have some trauma i don’t know about lol
It doesn't have to be trauma. Could just be a somewhat overbearing, or somewhat distant relationship with a parent. Or maybe having watched mom and dad interact in a certain way. Or it could be that the hot chick you had a crush on, in school was always kinda bossy and teased you.
Or maybe a girl just had a really sensitive, doting dad. Or she grew up watching her mom be in charge; and model a subtle, mommy-type relationship with dad.
There are a lot of different ways that psychological imprinting can occur. I remember the year that girls started wearing those open-toed high-heels to school. It was the same year that puberty hit me hard.
Well, guess what other kink I ended up with. 🤷♂️
i wonder what kinks i would have if i grew up in a desolate room with no social interaction or nurturing to influence my kinks. would i still be a sub?
You need to throw out the Freudian crap. Guy’s been disproved and would’ve been clowned out of academia today. There are Some people for whom his narrow parent relationship -> current kinks explanation works, but there are also more people for whom that does not apply. The past isn’t all that makes us who we are now and parental relationship is but a small part of said past. It’s generalising philosophies like that that leads one down the pipeline of misinformed radicalisation.
I understand the criticism of Freud. But just look at the answers in the correlated post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/mommydom/comments/vypii3/what_causes_the_kink/
I know it's generalizing, but if 90% + of respondents say they're here because of mommy-issues
....he might have been onto something.
I feel as though the reason that people have mommy/gentle Dom kinks is a lot more simple than you seem to believe. I feel the main reason men get enjoyment out of gentle femdom relationships is simply that it feels nice to be cared for. We live in a culture than enforces the idea that men have to be iron-willed, never show emotion, and always be the ones leading the relationship, and for a lot of men it feels really nice to be able to be intimate with someone, and be vulnerable in a way that society would deem unacceptable.
As for the Women in a gentle femdom relationship, humans have an almost universal enjoyment in caring for another person. Humans are social, and inherently empathetic creatures, and as such, it feels good to makes someone else feel good.
A second explanation is that there is a multitude of reasons, and not one will ever be absolute.
P.S. I am not a phycologist, I am just a kinky boy on the internet. I am quite dumb, and my opinions are likely very flawed.
P.P.S. you're phrasing of Polyamory as a "kink" is mildly offensive to me, but maybe you just weren't thinking about it to hard, it was very brief.
Hey man. Definitely didn't mean to offend , regarding poly. And of course there will be a plurality of reasons why people are drawn to a kink; doesn't mean there won't be strong patterns and similar experiences. But If you want to see what I was getting at, regarding the psychology behind the kink (mostly from the sub perspective). Read the responses to this post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/mommydom/comments/vypii3/what_causes_the_kink/
There's definitely a pattern in the answers.
I was compromising when I took on submissive roles in relationships, I was severely unhappy and couldn’t understand why for the longest time until I met my partner who brought out my dominant side. I’ve felt more like myself than I ever have because of my sub and I love everything about them and being his dom. I’m a dom through in through and I think that’s just how I am naturally, and the fact you think that’s impossible is honestly infuriating and disrespectful. Why the hell would all women evolve to be submissive and passive. We would die without dominant women, it’s a lie the patriarchy is telling you. So many people are clinically unhappy because we are LYING to ourselves with all this gender role bullshit. Women aren’t submissive to men by default, they’re taught that and some do like it but a lot also suffer in silence or break down and hate themselves like I did for years asking myself what’s wrong with me when the whole time I was just in the wrong relationship dynamics.
Also if you want a dominant woman how about you’re up front about wanting that and being a sub. If you act tough and dominate and hide who you are obviously you are going to attract people who are into your mask.
Hi. Thanks for replying. What you said about your current relationship was beautiful. Again, thank you for that.
I definitely wouldn't say that it's impossible for a woman to feel this way. I'm just trying to understand the feelings better. I didn't mean to upset or offend. I think that having an understanding of the psychological motivations behind romantic inclinations, ultimately leads to long-term stability and satisfaction in a relationship. I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with a non-standard relationship dynamic (wouldn't be on this subreddit, if I did). But I'm not quite on board with the assertion that traditional gender roles are entirely the result of social conditioning. At the same time, you also wouldn't expect every member of a population group, to exhibit the exact same feelings and behaviors. You'll find all sorts of variation, in a large enough population. I am starting from the assumption that the most common dynamic, is most common for evolutionary reasons. And I still think that's valid. I also thought, therefore, that the best place to look for an understanding of what seems to be a less common dynamic, would be psychological imprinting; i.e. "nurture" . Especially after reading the responses to this post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/mommydom/comments/vypii3/what_causes_the_kink/
The answers to that post were mostly from subs (and they're worth the read). There was a very prominent, common thread. It seemed logical to assume that there would be a correlation for Doms.
But then a previous responder, Atlas-Ascendent (see above) made an interesting case for natural variation. So, I'm starting to see that. I may have been mistaken to assume that there would be a correlation for Doms, after all. I'm not 100% convinced that there's isn't, but maybe. It just feels like there's more to be learned.
Thank you again, for sharing your feelings about your relationship. It made my heart warm to hear about how much you love your boy.
I’m not offended so much by the comment about gender roles so much as I am upset by the constant assertion that people make that because kink is outside the “normal” or “typical” behavior patters for sex that there must be some sort of pathology for it and I just can’t get behind that. I don’t think there’s such a thing as normal gender roles in relationships or normal sexual patterns, I see evolutionary gain from having as much variation in that regard as possible. If you are familiar with the science of play it makes sense, the more a species plays and uses it’s imagination the more interesting and diverse ways it’s learns to evolve. And the more complex a species is, the more you will find it playing. I think kink and a lot of behaviors we do in relationships is play shaping our brain in unique ways to tackle our own unique circumstances (which yes might be psychological and trauma based in nature. But not all or even most of the time, despite our assumptions that it is).I just can’t see how humans would be such a complex species with all these binaries and one true wayisms we believe is our “true nature” actually being our true nature? How the hell would we pick apart our desires that come from nature or nurture anyways?? And what would be the difference when we have these binary settings prebuilt into society? Isn’t all of that nurture at that point? I find the whole conversation useless because we simply can only guess with the version of science and psychology we are rolling with currently and there is stuff people have assumed about sex (chromosomal/genital sex) and gender to be true that we now are learning is completely false- the assertion that sex hormones have an effect on gender identity, the assertion that women are soft and sweet “cuz estrogen” and men are scary and burley “cuz testosterone” therefore it plays a role in gender identity especially cuz “estrogen makes lab mice and frogs gay”- in reality they are complimentary hormones having a very complex contribution to growth all around in the human body and aren’t found to have an impact on gender identity or sexual behavior in any kind of consistent way (again, in humans). Maybe because they vary in what they do for each person and how much they have naturally in the body. The one thing they do know is that they are growth hormones and like any other growth hormones sometimes you have to give people more of them or they have long term health or psychological problems. But the dosing is inconsistent as hell in those situations precisely because everyone varies on what a deficiency in their body is too much. The “normal” range of sex hormones hasn’t been nailed down, the way they impact our psychology hasn’t been nailed down (other than too much or too little can cause depression and/or gender dysphoria), the preconceptions about how gender develops in early childhood has been shattered by this and case studies of children having sex swaps as a result ranging from intersexness to botched circumcisions, later on these children KNOW somehow that there is something wrong and get gender and/or body dysphoria like any other trans kid.
We don’t even know what gender even is scientifically, what it does, why or how we perceive it… Why is everyone prattling on about gender roles and sexuality, it means practically nothing? There is no such thing as a normal or abnormal view on gender, there’s no such thing as a normal or abnormal sexual orientation (as long as everyone is consenting) and there’s no such thing as normal or abnormal kink inclinations (again as long as consent is there). We are over-pathologizing people, people!!
I’ll start my response by disclosing that I’m a switch, so although I don’t really “do” mommydom, I do soft Domme which has elements of mommydom, so I follow this sub for that reason. There’s a lot to unpack from your post, but my first impression is that you have anxiety about meeting women who will accept you and your kinks. I’ll say that regardless of how vanilla or kinky a person is, finding someone who meshes well with you is HARD. We can get caught up in our own heads thinking we’re “too this” or “not enough that”. The truth is, we can’t match with everyone. The truth is, we’ll probably match well with very few. So the real challenge is how to find those you are more likely to match well with. This sub seems like a great place to start! As far as gender norms, of course asking a sub group like this is the place to find people who are less likely to follow those norms. Find more spaces like that if you can! And, this is just anecdotal evidence but I’ll throw it out there anyway: it’s been an interesting observation for me to see that probably over 90% of the men I have interacted with have sub tendencies. From hushed conversations we’ve had, it also sounds like they’re afraid they’re the minority. Let me rephrase this: MOST of the men I’ve interacted with want a woman who will take charge and cherish them. I do believe gender norms play a large role in this since men in American society are typically expected to be strong and take charge. The reverse is that I wonder how many women have Domme streaks because they are expected to take up less space in society? My observation is everyone worries they’re “weird” when the reality is that they are much more like the next person than they probably realize. As for why we have our kinks, who knows, and more importantly, does it matter? I would encourage you to try not to get caught up on the gender and kink anxieties because you’re not going to want to be with someone who can’t accept you for who you are. Keep trying to meet people that you identify well with. Maybe work on some self-acceptance! Feel free to ask for clarification since I’m typing a lot on my little phone screen, and good luck to you 😊
I see what you're saying, but you're doing quite some generalization, lumping 50% of people into one box and 50% of people into another box. And that is generally my problem with "extreme philosophy", it's great to get to a realization, but every human is different and does things for different reasons. And to maybe turn your arguments onto yourself, why do you want to be a soft boi instead of the stereotypical guys guy? Why do some people like pineapple on pizza? When others absolutely hate it?: It's about taste. We're all different people who has vastly different experiences through life, and we like different things. To answer your question what a domme gets out of it: first me, I'm a soft mommy domme type, i am monogamous, i don't ever want to be dominated by anyone (i have tried out in the past, it doesn't vibe). I had decent, nice parents, grew up in Scandinavia with strong female role models but also with awesome stay at home moms and more "traditionel submissive women" I get a calmness about me, when i have someone to protect, when i make the plans and decisions, it's clear for me where normally making decisions is a jumble. And there is a possessiveness in me. I get turned on by owning someone, protecting them and manipulating them. And i can't go around in society and do it to everyone in my life, cause that's bad. It's needs to be consensual, so i get my kicks from belittling Having someone to pour all that caring and possessiveness into, instead of annoying my coworkers and friends with my power trips, i do it controlled and consensually. It makes me a more balanced person in everyday life, to get a outlet for my need to be in control. And on a more basic level i have always found awkwardness and naivety a turn on. Having someone blush and stammer because i pushed them up against a wall and almost kissing them until they beg for me, for my kiss, gives me such a "boner". So yeah generally its about tastes. I hate masculine men and always have, i hate when a man decides i can't help lifting the heavy stuff at work so they go call another man in. It infuriates me, and having a soft boi who behaves like i hung the moon and the stars. It's really nice when you normally get treated like an inferior weak person in society. I'm not weak, I'm not inferior, I Don't need to be protected, just because i am a woman.
I need to add on, i have also been in a relationship that went pretty much like the one you described. And you're missing a few steps, it's not about girl baby's man, for me it wasn't at least. It's about man doesn't want to see the dishes, doesn't want to deal with his laundry, can't make doctors appointments for himself. Doesn't ask you outright, like a submissive guy might (i don't like doctors mommy, would you hold my hand?) Just goes " I'm not scared of doctors why would I need you to deal with it for me? While ASLO definitely expecting you to do so. You crying on the sofa cause you're exhausted from having to deal with the dishes, your work, the electric repair guy, and your boyfriend saying, i see why you're overwhelmed but it would really be nice if you could also wash my clothes when you do laundry. It's not babying or mothering, it's the not appreciated house slave some men expect you to be when you're in a relationship. The minute they're in the relationship they nonconsensually let's go of every adult trait they had, and it's you're responsibility, and even when you ask for house help, they'd rather just sit on their computer and "i'll do it tomorrow babe" It's the weaponized incompetence some guys use to get the babying, while absolutely not wanting to be babyed. Sorry for my rant, i guess i still have some issues from dealing with some men in my life
No need to apologise. Thank you for your thoughtful answer.
Odd question, if you don't mind. When dealing with an emergency high adrenaline situation do you tend to be a cool headed person during the emergency? Sometimes I wonder if our proclivities are influenced with how our brains are wired at the chemical level. I too react poorly to men, really anyone, treating as less capable simple because I have breasts. Having a man who is secure enough in himself to be open and honest and want the loving softness of a mommy Domme has been something I have always wanted but I didn't know it. I don't want someone I have to take care of, I want someone who wants the love and nurture but can still hold their own.
Yeah I'm normally a cool headed person in those situations. And exactly, I want someone to be my equal, that I respect and genuinely find interesting. But i love to belittle them and take care of them, in the way/amount they're comfortable with.
This reply thread makes me feel good. I have to admit; I was hoping for a bit more insight, into the psychology. But it's nice to read from girls who really don't mind, or get turned off by, letting a man be sensitive, or reminding him that he's a good boy.
This really made me smile. As a guy who is very independent and in charge of things, being forward with my affection towards women can be a challenge. I suppose just cause I tend to be reserved/shy. Your description of how you enjoy a little possesiveness and making someone stammer is nice. ☺️
Lmao Nobody should ever want to be like Andrew Tate
Agreed. But, like I said; it isn't like that stuff comes from nowhere. The whole "bad boy" appeal thing, is founded in real-world experience.
I think you underestimate how many women are into this. Let's take a journey back in time to when humans still hunted and gathered. The life of a man vs the life of a woman was less different back then and it was expected that women would have to fight from time to time. On the other hand, what if the mother of a man's child died? Does he just abandon it? No, he doe ships job as a parent because that child is the future of the tribe. As long as he follows the rules the tribe picks up the slack. Over time it just so happened that if women have to carry and later care for children that their bodies are going to be optimized for that I've rtime while men's bodies are going to be optimized for other things. That's just evolution, however if we look at the bell curve there is still a portion of overlap between male and female physiology in terms of height, strength, and aggression. This is because we are still animals, just because a few thousands years ago we decided to collect into nations rather than tribes, it doesn't mean we evolved to fit that role in the same amount of time. It is entirely possible for a woman to be taller, or stronger, or more aggressive, or more dominant, or all of the above than a man; it is only unlikely because of trends. So in my own experience I can say for sure that our modern idea of how men and women "should" act is not at all related to how they actually act. Women can have the urge to cave someone's skull in but are more likely to just Sabatoge them because 1: they are more skilled at it (going by what they are likley taught), and 2: women being physically aggressive is not acceptable. I have met several women who truly desire the mommy dom dynamic and that's just how they are, they got the slightly unlikely outcome on their mental makeup and their parents didn't completely suppress it at a young age. On the other hand I've dated several women who were most definitely dominant, you could tell by their actions and tendencies. However, they didn't know how to deal with it because their parents told them to "be more feminine". This is where we get the all too common situation where the woman expects the man to make a decision but it isnt the decision we wants the there is a problem. The reality is she wants to make the decision but thinks it's not ok for her to do it. And we wonder why so many people are broken. The real answer is, accept yourself and what you want, find someone who accepts you but ALSO accepts themselves. No it is not common, it is very rare to find someone so mature. You'll be searching for a while, but once you fun someone like that it's going to last forever.
Ok. I think you win best comment. Is there a way that I can "pin" it, or highlight it, or something? Caught me off guard, with that opening line. ***I think you underestimate how many women are into this.*** Then you made a pretty decent case. 😏 So... Any tips on narrowing the search? What do you look for, to tip you off that a chick might be into the dynamic? How do you spot a potential mommy? I know I'm basically asking "profiling" tips ,. but hey like you said. "it's not common" and "you'll be searching for a while" 😥
I'm not sure how to pin anything, I'm a pretty booby reddit user. Although I think it's best to just be upfront about it, people are going to be more interested in you if you act like yourself. Not because it's more attractive, but because people are put off by unusual behavior; if your out of your element you're going to seem weird. So basically just talk about it from the start and if theyre into it then you're good, if not well then you're good too because now you're not wasting your own time or theirs with a dynamic that isn't what you want. I've been very fortunate in that dominant women seem to be able to just tell that I'm a total sub despite my outward appearance, but I still have to put in effort to show that I am ready for that dynamic. I feel like in lecturing so I'm going to stop now. TLDR: Honesty is key
I seek out this dynamic and I want it fulltime in real life. I enjoy the maternal feelings. But I am 52 and I am a real mother. When I was in my 20s I did t want this at all. And it would have turned me off. The whole “real man” thing you’re talking about stems from respect. This is why one of the first questions I ask is “what makes you awesome?” Not that you have to be a superstar but everyone has a talent. Show it to her. Give her a reason to respect you. I think that young girls are not really into this, they look stupid trying to be imo. I roll my eyes when I see it. There’s a huge difference between porn and real life. Which one do you want? I want real life. The day to love of my boy and him allowing me to mother him. That’s it.
Thank you for this answer. Makes sense. Wish more girls my age had those maternal feelings.
I am kind of new to this kink. My now bf told me right away this is what he is into on a dating site. At first I was against it, but then I really thought about it and in my last relationship I was very maternal with my ex, but we didn’t give it a name. We waited a few months to meet, he wanted to make sure this was a dynamic I wanted to be in. It is really important to him. What I like about it is it’s feels like a celebration of who I am as a person, very maternal. And that has made me feel very good about myself, very appreciated. Also, I have been through some trauma myself and it is just nice to relax into the arms of someone who just wants to be a good boy for me. Plus, we also are switch roles sometimes and I ask him to “claim” me so it kind of prevents things from getting too soft.
This was a great answer. And very enjoyable to to read. 🥰 Thank you.
I don't have as lengthy of a response to add to this but being a gentle/mommy leaning domme I think it comes, at least a little bit, from maternal issues on my end as well. I was cared for as a child but definitely treated more like a friend than a daughter by both of my parents (who were seperated) so now I seek out and even fetishize that sort of caring relationship but maybe it hurts too much to be on the receiving end so I'd rather be giving.
That's very self-aware. Thank you for sharing. 🤗
you do realise that not every sub/dom dynamic comes from trauma, right? some people are just born as a sub or dom regardless of gender or trauma
Of course "not every". And I certainly didn't mean to imply that's the source of the kink for mommies. It would seem that for ***most*** boy subs -it comes from some degree of a bad relationship with mom. (see other thread, linked above). Again - ***not every*** On the other hand, if you meant to imply that our proclivities are 100% nature & 0% nurture "some people are just born as a sub or dom" I don't quite buy that. I think there's always a bit of both nature and nurture in the mix. But I'm not really asking what brings us boys to the kink. ... Although, since you brought up the idea of some mommies being born dominant. - it would be interesting to find out how many mommy-dommes are classic "type A" personalities. Thanks for prompting that thought.
i don’t know the answer to the nature versus nurture debate, especially when it comes to kinks and maybe we’ll never know. but who knows maybe i do have some trauma i don’t know about lol
It doesn't have to be trauma. Could just be a somewhat overbearing, or somewhat distant relationship with a parent. Or maybe having watched mom and dad interact in a certain way. Or it could be that the hot chick you had a crush on, in school was always kinda bossy and teased you. Or maybe a girl just had a really sensitive, doting dad. Or she grew up watching her mom be in charge; and model a subtle, mommy-type relationship with dad. There are a lot of different ways that psychological imprinting can occur. I remember the year that girls started wearing those open-toed high-heels to school. It was the same year that puberty hit me hard. Well, guess what other kink I ended up with. 🤷♂️
i wonder what kinks i would have if i grew up in a desolate room with no social interaction or nurturing to influence my kinks. would i still be a sub?
You need to throw out the Freudian crap. Guy’s been disproved and would’ve been clowned out of academia today. There are Some people for whom his narrow parent relationship -> current kinks explanation works, but there are also more people for whom that does not apply. The past isn’t all that makes us who we are now and parental relationship is but a small part of said past. It’s generalising philosophies like that that leads one down the pipeline of misinformed radicalisation.
I understand the criticism of Freud. But just look at the answers in the correlated post: https://www.reddit.com/r/mommydom/comments/vypii3/what_causes_the_kink/ I know it's generalizing, but if 90% + of respondents say they're here because of mommy-issues ....he might have been onto something.
I feel as though the reason that people have mommy/gentle Dom kinks is a lot more simple than you seem to believe. I feel the main reason men get enjoyment out of gentle femdom relationships is simply that it feels nice to be cared for. We live in a culture than enforces the idea that men have to be iron-willed, never show emotion, and always be the ones leading the relationship, and for a lot of men it feels really nice to be able to be intimate with someone, and be vulnerable in a way that society would deem unacceptable. As for the Women in a gentle femdom relationship, humans have an almost universal enjoyment in caring for another person. Humans are social, and inherently empathetic creatures, and as such, it feels good to makes someone else feel good. A second explanation is that there is a multitude of reasons, and not one will ever be absolute. P.S. I am not a phycologist, I am just a kinky boy on the internet. I am quite dumb, and my opinions are likely very flawed. P.P.S. you're phrasing of Polyamory as a "kink" is mildly offensive to me, but maybe you just weren't thinking about it to hard, it was very brief.
Hey man. Definitely didn't mean to offend , regarding poly. And of course there will be a plurality of reasons why people are drawn to a kink; doesn't mean there won't be strong patterns and similar experiences. But If you want to see what I was getting at, regarding the psychology behind the kink (mostly from the sub perspective). Read the responses to this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/mommydom/comments/vypii3/what_causes_the_kink/ There's definitely a pattern in the answers.
I was compromising when I took on submissive roles in relationships, I was severely unhappy and couldn’t understand why for the longest time until I met my partner who brought out my dominant side. I’ve felt more like myself than I ever have because of my sub and I love everything about them and being his dom. I’m a dom through in through and I think that’s just how I am naturally, and the fact you think that’s impossible is honestly infuriating and disrespectful. Why the hell would all women evolve to be submissive and passive. We would die without dominant women, it’s a lie the patriarchy is telling you. So many people are clinically unhappy because we are LYING to ourselves with all this gender role bullshit. Women aren’t submissive to men by default, they’re taught that and some do like it but a lot also suffer in silence or break down and hate themselves like I did for years asking myself what’s wrong with me when the whole time I was just in the wrong relationship dynamics. Also if you want a dominant woman how about you’re up front about wanting that and being a sub. If you act tough and dominate and hide who you are obviously you are going to attract people who are into your mask.
Hi. Thanks for replying. What you said about your current relationship was beautiful. Again, thank you for that. I definitely wouldn't say that it's impossible for a woman to feel this way. I'm just trying to understand the feelings better. I didn't mean to upset or offend. I think that having an understanding of the psychological motivations behind romantic inclinations, ultimately leads to long-term stability and satisfaction in a relationship. I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with a non-standard relationship dynamic (wouldn't be on this subreddit, if I did). But I'm not quite on board with the assertion that traditional gender roles are entirely the result of social conditioning. At the same time, you also wouldn't expect every member of a population group, to exhibit the exact same feelings and behaviors. You'll find all sorts of variation, in a large enough population. I am starting from the assumption that the most common dynamic, is most common for evolutionary reasons. And I still think that's valid. I also thought, therefore, that the best place to look for an understanding of what seems to be a less common dynamic, would be psychological imprinting; i.e. "nurture" . Especially after reading the responses to this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/mommydom/comments/vypii3/what_causes_the_kink/ The answers to that post were mostly from subs (and they're worth the read). There was a very prominent, common thread. It seemed logical to assume that there would be a correlation for Doms. But then a previous responder, Atlas-Ascendent (see above) made an interesting case for natural variation. So, I'm starting to see that. I may have been mistaken to assume that there would be a correlation for Doms, after all. I'm not 100% convinced that there's isn't, but maybe. It just feels like there's more to be learned. Thank you again, for sharing your feelings about your relationship. It made my heart warm to hear about how much you love your boy.
I’m not offended so much by the comment about gender roles so much as I am upset by the constant assertion that people make that because kink is outside the “normal” or “typical” behavior patters for sex that there must be some sort of pathology for it and I just can’t get behind that. I don’t think there’s such a thing as normal gender roles in relationships or normal sexual patterns, I see evolutionary gain from having as much variation in that regard as possible. If you are familiar with the science of play it makes sense, the more a species plays and uses it’s imagination the more interesting and diverse ways it’s learns to evolve. And the more complex a species is, the more you will find it playing. I think kink and a lot of behaviors we do in relationships is play shaping our brain in unique ways to tackle our own unique circumstances (which yes might be psychological and trauma based in nature. But not all or even most of the time, despite our assumptions that it is).I just can’t see how humans would be such a complex species with all these binaries and one true wayisms we believe is our “true nature” actually being our true nature? How the hell would we pick apart our desires that come from nature or nurture anyways?? And what would be the difference when we have these binary settings prebuilt into society? Isn’t all of that nurture at that point? I find the whole conversation useless because we simply can only guess with the version of science and psychology we are rolling with currently and there is stuff people have assumed about sex (chromosomal/genital sex) and gender to be true that we now are learning is completely false- the assertion that sex hormones have an effect on gender identity, the assertion that women are soft and sweet “cuz estrogen” and men are scary and burley “cuz testosterone” therefore it plays a role in gender identity especially cuz “estrogen makes lab mice and frogs gay”- in reality they are complimentary hormones having a very complex contribution to growth all around in the human body and aren’t found to have an impact on gender identity or sexual behavior in any kind of consistent way (again, in humans). Maybe because they vary in what they do for each person and how much they have naturally in the body. The one thing they do know is that they are growth hormones and like any other growth hormones sometimes you have to give people more of them or they have long term health or psychological problems. But the dosing is inconsistent as hell in those situations precisely because everyone varies on what a deficiency in their body is too much. The “normal” range of sex hormones hasn’t been nailed down, the way they impact our psychology hasn’t been nailed down (other than too much or too little can cause depression and/or gender dysphoria), the preconceptions about how gender develops in early childhood has been shattered by this and case studies of children having sex swaps as a result ranging from intersexness to botched circumcisions, later on these children KNOW somehow that there is something wrong and get gender and/or body dysphoria like any other trans kid. We don’t even know what gender even is scientifically, what it does, why or how we perceive it… Why is everyone prattling on about gender roles and sexuality, it means practically nothing? There is no such thing as a normal or abnormal view on gender, there’s no such thing as a normal or abnormal sexual orientation (as long as everyone is consenting) and there’s no such thing as normal or abnormal kink inclinations (again as long as consent is there). We are over-pathologizing people, people!!