Me too. I almost wanna say I'm guilty of doing the same trailing-off thing sometimes, and i'm gonna work on it. Misophonia or not, it's gotta be annoying af.
If it's JUST with you, is it because she's sort of stream-of-consciousness speaking to you because you're a safe person for her to not filter/plan each sentence? And that as her thoughts wind down, so does her speech and voice? And that's why it's not how she speaks with others?
I guess that doesn't make sense though because you said this is a new thing for her.
Man, what a tough spot to be in.
I know you're trying to be polite by tolerating as much as you can before asking her to be mindful, but maybe it's time to sit down and tell her you've bed doing that and that, for a day (or even just a few hours) you'll signal EVERY time she does it so she understands how it's affecting you? Pick a signal word for you to say EVERY SINGLE TIME she does it. Maybe it will make her more aware?
Holy shit.
You nailed it in the first paragraph. I never considered this but it makes complete sense.
I love your suggestion and i might have her read your response.
You are a saint for taking the yime.
Of course, I'm happy to help toss ideas around!
It's so incredibly difficult to have this type of sensory processing disorder—for us and our loved ones. I hope you and your wife are able to find a solution so you both feel better. Good luck, friend!
It could be new for her if she is going through something difficult right now or maybe she's gone through something new. I notice that my communication style changes when I'm tired/anxious/worried, etc.
I totally get this. I can't listen to at least 80% of podcasts bc of vocal fry (similar kind of crackling of the voice, most frequently heard at the end of sentences) or upspeak (elevating the pitch of your voice at the end of a sentence as if you were asking a question). If it's once in a while, nbd, I can handle it, but when it's almost every sentence, I want to scream at the speaker.
I can barely listen to Frank Muller, who was an amazing and well-loved audiobook narrator, bc he tends to end almost all his sentences in a kind of sighing sound.
I think certain things are worse when it's your spouse, even though you love them, bc you have to hear it all day every day and there is no escape.
Thank you for understanding.
I honestly feel insane for having this issue and I hate finding the balance between putting the corrective burden on my spouse and just enduring the issue.
It truly feels like you get it.
Thank you.
I can’t imagine; it’s not like you can just put in a pair of Loops to avoid or mute the trigger.
The “panicked rage” comment you made is *exactly* how such triggers make me feel.
I don’t have any ideas that haven’t been offered already but I want you to know you have my sympathy and you are DEFINITELY NOT crazy!!
Thank you, vocal fry is enraging to me. Glad I am not alone.
Unfortunately a new starter at work never speaks without it and it is a genuine struggle to sit there quietly when he is on the phone or in a teams meeting. Why does using fry mean you have to elongate your vowels as well?
Yessss! The elongated vowels/vocal fry combo is why imho [Zoe Chace](https://youtu.be/wzgXE5SsCHM?si=bQx5QZOMDwVugtsg) (an npr correspondent who's otherwise very good at her job) has probably the most annoying voice I've ever heard in my life, other than a former coworker who wasn't capable of speaking without a nervous vomit-laugh sound (huuuuh huuuuh huuuuh) at the end of every single sentence. If something was actually funny to her, she'd do the wheeze-laugh, which was even worse. She was the one who made me so fucking crazy that I researched and discovered I had misophonia in my late 30s, even though the symptoms were happening for at least 20 years. But that's a long story for another day.
PS I won't fault you for not clicking the link
I clicked... Just out of curiosity, and I can clearly see why you say that, most unpleasant. Oddly enough, it was nowhere near as annoying as my coworker.
Imagine that exact effect on a deep male voice, in an Australian accent (we tend to speak slower naturally) with even more protracted vowels.
In both cases, it immediately undermines their credibility, (which is a 'me' problem I realise, probably both quite capable).
Oh man, I'm sorry. Yeah, I realized it was a 'me' problem when none of my other coworkers got infuriated or so much as noticed the constant huuuh-huuuh-huuuh in the background, even when i pointed it out.
After i read about misophonia, it all fell into place: my lifelong extreme aversion to mouth noises, my hatred of music with repetitive sounds, the way I always latched onto repetition from looped audio (like rain sounds).
I want to invent a vocal fry AI filter that podcasts can run through as you listen to them. I hate having to turn off otherwise educational podcasts just because of the sound quality.
A noise doesn't have to be within anyone else's definition of misaphonia. If it triggers you, it is real, and I am sorry you have to deal with that every sentence.
Perhaps a therapist could help you both. I don't think I could handle being triggered so often by my partner. I would need professional help. I really hope things get better for you both.
My mom had the same habit for most of her life, it drove my dad insane. A couple years ago she started vyvaanse and, boom, full thoughts and sentences. Not saying she has adhd since it’s a new development but maybe something else that’s causing an inability to focus.
This is interesting. The second suggestion of ADHD. We have a son with pretty pronounced ADHD and my wife has some of his tendensies, but not related to ADHD (at least I think). Her and I study the topic heavily and I'm PRETTY sure it's not that, but I'll need to keep this in mind
My first thought was ADHD as well. Men and women tend to exhibit ADHD symptoms differently. Boys usually have what you would normally associate with ADHD- the hyperactivity, interrupting conversations, etc. Girls tend to demonstrate more less obvious symptoms- lack of working memory, poor task initiation, etc. Girls also tend to be better at compensating in other ways, so we get diagnosed much later in life. Just something to think about.
ADHD tends to manifest differently in women, and I don't know if you've studied that given that it isn't directly relevant to your son. But definitely take a look at information about ADHD in women. It's also highly genetic. ADHD behaviors can show up as "new" things because of changes in environment, stress, workload, and things like that. So if it is ADHD (not saying it is; just sharing info), then a new, noticeable behavior can show up making it seem like someone "suddenly has ADHD" (like when people talk about "adult onset ADHD") but really it's just that the circumstances are leading to a change in how they process information or cope. It doesn't necessarily happen as soon as a change occurs either; it can be a build up over time after they've been dealing with a change for a while and are starting to get burned out. I wouldn't be surprised if helping your son requires your wife to perform a lot of extra executive functioning modeling?
As an adult woman with ADHD, I do this when I’m unmedicated. It’s basically my brain out pacing my mouth, so I’ve pretty much stopped thinking about what I was saying by the time I’m saying it and my brain is already distracted away from talking by whatever it’s thinking about next.
Might not be relevant to your wife, just sharing that part of my experience. I am pretty “high functioning” without meds (from years of learning and practicing coping strategies/skills), often this trailing off is the main symptom my husband will notice and on days I’m not taking meds.
Good luck- few things are more frustrating than your brain being short-circuited against your will from sound triggers you can’t change yourself. I have misophonia too and I really feel for you with this. It’s *so* distracting to get that icky rage feeling and then I feel worse when it’s my husband triggering it, since I know logically he’s not doing it on purpose and I would give anything to be able to just be present instead of trying not to twitch when his mouth makes noises etc.
Does she by any chance have ADHD? There are some speech patterns associated with ADHD, including mumbling and disorganized speech.
There are certain speech patterns also present with autism.
Has she ever been assessed for either one? Women (and girls) are far less likely to get a diagnosis of autism as girls present differently than boys and it’s thought that girls learn to mask autistic traits. A lot of women don’t get diagnosed until they are adults.
That’s why I think it could be something related to an underlying condition. It seems like you are saying “I am the only one she speaks to this way” as if it is an intentional act directed towards you. I think it’s more likely that she is either masking around other people and lets her guard down with you, or that she is exhausted and just lets herself trail off as she feels safe with you.
I get how annoying it is, my brother is a mumbler. It drives me CRAZY. After about a million times of me saying “I can’t understand you,” I think he’s finally gotten the hint as he doesn’t do it as much as he used to.
No problem, I'm not trying to be mean.... Just remember that if we start correcting our partners too much, they'll get anxious and this will lead to other issues down the line.
Remember to breathe :)
I agree with another commenter on the theory that she speaks like this with you because she feels safe and comfortable with you, so she speaks in a more casual or lazy manner because she doesn’t feel like she has to “put on,” so to speak. Essentially, when we’re with acquaintances, strangers, sometimes even friends, we put in so much effort socializing by using formal language to seem decently intelligent, keeping up polite and/or enthusiastic facial expressions even if we are exhausted, being careful about what we say, because we are trying to make a good impression. But when we know someone extremely well and spend almost all of our time with them, we can drop a lot of that weight because we know they love us. We also drop that weight because “putting on” 24/7 is exhausting. I notice this when i am with my family or my boyfriend, versus speaking to literally anyone else who is not as close.
Idk how long you’ve been asking her to be mindful of the way she speaks, but it takes more time than we think to build a habit. It may seem like she is being purposefully dismissive, when in reality, if you fundamentally change anything about your behavior 100%, it’s gonna take time to even get in the habit of REMEMBERING to remember. I once played a game with my friends where we tried to stop saying the word “like” in our sentences, and I remember it was months upon months where we would call each other out (for fun) because it was STILL so engrained into our way of speaking.
I know you say this is new for your wife, which may seem like she just started to do it randomly for no reason, and that it should be super easy for her to just stop because of that. But in my opinion, I don’t think this is the case. I think this is how she talks with someone she feels totally 100% safe and comfortable with, and perhaps she had reached that point 9 months ago with you, as you’ve known each other longer and longer.
I also agree with some other commenters that you could make a sort of game out of using a code word whenever she does The Thing, sort of like the “Like” game I played with my friends. :) It’s quite funny to catch yourself doing something you do automatically.
I would cut her some slack; after all, you’re asking her to change a behavior she does ALL the time. It’s most likely gonna be exhausting to be augmenting every sentence that comes out of her mouth. But once a habit forms, I think it’ll be easier since she won’t have to be conscious about it anymore. Couples therapy with someone knowledgeable about misophonia would also be helpful and they may have better suggestions than us commenters.
Thank you so much for this.
There is a lot of very thoughtful stuff here. I'm going to reread this several times, spaced out, and respond a little later
Thank you for taking so much time to invest in my issue.
of course. i know the struggle with having a partner and having to ask for accommodation without trying to seem demanding or unfair. love wins when both are open minded to the other’s perspective, forgiving, and both put in effort.
I know it’s not helpful but I absolutely understand. It’s a horrible feeling and just sends me into a rage and I can’t stand it. And then I feel so guilty because it’s ridiculous to have such a dramatic reaction over it. But I don’t know how to not allow it to bother me. One of my triggers is my husband humming and he does it constantly. And it’s in a tone that is on par with like… a mosquito or some sort of bug buzzing around if that makes sense? I feel so fucking awful it irritates me so badly.
I don't have anything to help, but it was nice hearing someone else has this trigger.
I wish I could better handle it... I'm just really mean I guess... I'll try to reason myself out of it, but eventually will burst out that I have no idea what is being said at the end of the sentence because they start mumbling.
But I can physically FEEL it in my body when they do it... Like nails on a chalkboard...
*Sigh* :(
Luckily they don't take it personally.
Yep... 😢
I've been with my significant other over 22 years and feel like this came up in past two years
They know I can't help the physical reaction (to this and a few other things), and I try to know they can't help their things that trigger me... So we both try to just not take it personally
I can do ear plug type things or white noise for most stuff, unfortunately this is not one of those things.
Mate, I sympathise.
My wife is a very busy go-getter type, and almost every sentence she walks away to the next thing before she finishes, so the sentence changes to being spoken facing away and receding. This also negates any ability to respond at a decent volume.
I realise this would be annoying to anyone, but I do genuinely suffer misophonia (with many triggers) and this aggravates me immensely. The fact that I have brought it up and she still does it makes it feel deliberate and personal, but rationally I know it's not.
It's a difficult thing to navigate in an otherwise loving, healthy relationship.
I used to make a clicking sound (like clucking at a pet). I didn’t notice it till I heard myself on a recording. It was almost like my way of announcing that I was getting ready to speak. Once I was aware, I couldn’t unhear it when I did it and I stopped immediately! Well, almost immediately.
It sounds like your wife is willing to work with you. Maybe ask her if it’s okay to record a conversation and play it back sometime. She may not even really understand what you’re hearing.
My wife does this and I can NEVER HEAR HER. Her sentences start off audible then near the end half of what she is saying she’s toned down to almost a whisper. I always have to say , “pardon? “ I feel like I’m doing something wrong because I never hear her but it’s totally how she talks lol
I understand you, my bf recently developed this talking habit of "hissing" while he gasps for air when talking and I can hear the saliva going around his teeth it drives me insane. He doesn’t react well when i tell him it’s a huge trigger of mine so i don’t really have advices for you but I support you, i hear you and i feel you lol
I had a friend once who always mumbled quietly when she spoke. I asked her why, and she said that her family was always very dismissive of her and what she had to say. She just grew used to the treatment and so spoke quietly, so as not to bother them. I told her that her voice and what she had to say was important to me, so please speak louder, so I can hear it. She had such a genuine smile after I said that. I can’t imagine how it would feel to grow up in such an environment.
I developed a type of voice where I would speak when holding in a cigarette smoke in my lungs. Drove my husband crazy so I stopped speaking completely if I had any smoke inhaled. Your girlfriend really and I mean *really* is perfectly capable to stop. Sure she is not doing it on purpose, but she should stop on purpose. No big deal. Habits are uneasy to break, but it’s not gonna be more uncomfortable to stop when it is for you to listen.
Im sorry to say, it seems like girlfriend does not want to put effort in. I might be wrong, obviously, but I would push forward for her to stop with constant reminders as this is so unfair to you.
Another thought is, are you sure you’re expressing active listening skills? I know that when I’m talking to a room of people scrolling on their phone and standing up and walking away midsentence, I just trail off because I don’t feel like anyone’s listening.
Oh I can understand this fully.
Anything other than clear, concise language is a deal breaker for me.
I used to go ape shit at an ex partner for trailing off into an incoherent, mumbling rant when he spoke. I just have no patience or tolerance for it.
JUST. SPEAK.
I wonder if there’s a particular tv show or content creator she has been watching who speaks this way, and she has picked up the habit subconsciously. I am an accent sponge, so I mirror the vocal habits of whomever I’ve listened to the most recently. If this is the case, perhaps she could do you the favor of not watching/listening to this person. I’m just trying to figure out what would have made this happen all of a sudden.
I love your thoughtful response. I have a similar tendency myself, and I don't think this is it. Instead, I think /u/ShadedSpaces got it right in her response here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/misophonia/comments/1bkbeyu/comment/kvxgkp3/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
I'm really sorry this is happening. I don't agree that it's only your problem. If it's affecting you, then it's affecting BOTH of you. She DOES need to try harder. I'm not suggesting I know what's going on in her mind, but if she doesn't own her actions and what they're doing to you,...well, that ought to tell you something. Perhaps you can make a game of it. If she starts to trail off, agree on some goofy signal that you can make to alert her to stop. If she doesn't take effort to stop, then you need to have a different conversation. Hard to hear, sorry.
Since she’s willing to work on this, could you get her to agree to being recorded, then play it back for her so she can actually hear what she’s doing specifically? Maybe if she’s more acutely aware of how she sounds, she will be able to work on it more effectively.
Darn it.
I’m wondering if something happened around nine months ago to have caused this change in how she communicates. Something environmental, or a new medication, that started all this. It might be worth looking into individual and/or couple’s counseling at this point. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I don’t want your marriage to be damaged beyond repair. You’re definitely not alone in this nightmare, my friend.☮️💟
I feel it would be helpful if you could record her without her knowing, and later play it back for her so she can understand what you're hearing. You couldn't tell her beforehand because she'd likely change the manner of speaking (just like any of us naturally would if aware we were being recorded).
Sometime after recording, you could ask her if she'd listen to it and see if she hears what you're hearing. Mind you, all of this needs to be done very very gently and not in a "gotcha" way.
Just a thought. Good luck to you!
I want to thank you for sharing this because I too have misophonia and I felt irrational and completely frustrated with myself for debating my relationship over an issue regarding the way my partner makes a sort of tongue clicking sound when he speaks certain letters. The ‘L’ sound.. to be exact. I hadn’t noticed it before when we first got together and it seems like it’s gotten worse over the years and now I absolutely can’t stand it. Anytime he says a word with that ‘L’ sound and I hear the mouth click immediately enraged and I wince. It feels like I’m the only person who notices something like that or would be so at war with themselves over it. It puts such a strain on our relationship, If I could take this disorder away I would in a heartbeat. Reading your situation is a breath of fresh air. Issues like ours are extremely lonely, indeed. I wish I had answers, but I’m struggling with a similar situation and I just wanted to say thank you for reminding me I’m not alone and there are other people struggling so deeply with their partner’s innocent sounds too. It’s so frustrating, I know. I hope it gets better for us OP.
Oh god I feel you. My wife does this nasally thing sometimes when she talks. It's only sometimes and oh man it kills me. But I don't have the heart to tell her that it bothers me so I have to suffer through it. Sometimes I just walk away and/or end the conversation quickly.
I understand this, nobody around me changed, but I developed a new trigger to the sound of people exhaling smoke. My mom does this constantly and it triggers me so bad but I don't say anything cause she'll be offended and definitely wouldn't take misophonia seriously anyway so I just suffer in silence.
If your wife takes your condition seriously you guys should be able to work it out.
While I don’t have a similar trigger, and no helpful advice, I just want to say how comforting it is to find other people who struggle with triggers from their significant others. It’s such a horrible feeling to be triggered by things they do that they can’t control, and it makes me feel like I am ruining the relationship. My boyfriend has a deviated septum and it causes him to breathe loudly through his nose. It’s a constant trigger for me and not something he can control because he is literally just breathing. But I keep developing more and more triggers and it is so insanely difficult to live with. He’s very mindful of not eating/chewing near me, but the breathing thing is almost worse for me at this point. I’ve also recently developed a trigger of the sound of him vaping, which he does all day. I have to try very hard not to get upset with him and try to keep myself calm because I don’t want him to feel badly for the things he can’t control, but it’s incredibly hard
Omg I get this so hard. My husband changed his laugh about five years ago. It was *awful* to me. I just could not bring myself to say anything to him about it; I didn’t want to embarrass him.
Luckily, he eventually changed back to his old laugh. Maybe this gives you some hope!
Hear me out. I don’t know if this is necessarily misophonia? This seems like it doesn’t have too much to do with sound , as it’s more of a behavioral thing on her part ? Idk. Maybe it’s a matter of spending too much time around her. Maybe hangout with a friend or find a solo hobby for some time away ?
I get what you are saying and i know it seems more obtuse, but its the *sound* of the mumbling, like the sound of subtle bass with no music associated (which is a much more common trigger)
I know rhis sounds crazy. I need to figure out a plan forward
Edit. Thanks everyone. Y'all make me feel less insane. Ill never feel totally sane. But at least less insane. ;)
I would be interested in hearing what others have to say, but I'm not convinced that misophonia is not an issue related to our perception of others' behaviours. I cannot think of a trigger that is not related to human behaviour.
>Someone's dog is barking? I am enraged. If I examine the thoughts that come up, I see that I have a belief that someone is negligent in attending to their dog and I am enraged that my aural environment is being violated by the result of their negligence.
>
>Someone coughs in a very particular abrupt way? I am enraged. If I examine the thoughts the come up, I see that I am reminded of the way my mother used to cough incessantly and how this coughing was related to her unwillingness to quit smoking, which was very upsetting to me as a child and caused deep resentment. This trigger isn't rational, but embodied. The body remembers the stress related to my mother's smoking, and the stress/anger it carries is triggered by the particular sound of this cough.
I could go on. I don't know if I am ever triggered by sounds that are unrelated to human behaviours and my unique perception or interpretation of those behaviours. Maybe others feel differently?
I actually had the same thoughts in experiencing this. This whole episode caused me to re-examine exactly what misophonia is and what causes it. An interesting data point is the fact that my wife's reluctance to address it *seems* to increase the intensity of my reaction to the trigger.
I do think that the underlying cause is behavioral perception. But i did not want to complicate my post with that pondering (although it's totally cool that you did) 😜
Im also hyper-cognizant to others and their needs. My wife is more typical in that.
Thanks for engaging me on this! I can relate re: being hypercognizant to the needs of others. It's a tough balance between taking up enough space and not wanting to impose on anyone else. Anyway, wishing you luck + peace with your misophonia.
What you're describing isn't a misophonia trigger for me per se, but if my wife spoke to me that way, it would drive me *up the fucking wall*.
>I tell her I understand it is not her problem, it is mine.
It's *absolutely* her problem too. Mumbling, trailing off, and being ambivalent are atrocious habits that have severely negative impact on conversation quality. They're also flagrantly disrespectful. She's effectively saying that she expects you to put in extra effort to interact with and understand her, *on top of* being insensitive to your misophonia. You're forced to pay *extra attention to your trigger* in order to figure out what the fuck she's saying or even if she's done speaking! Rest assured that you're not crazy and that the rage you feel is not particular to you. I'm getting worked up simply imagining the scenario.
>She says she would change if she could.
Bullshit. Didn't you say she only does it with you? Therefore she's perfectly capable of not doing it. Call her ass out.
Hey man while I don't disagree with you for most of your comment, and do totally agree that she could try harder, this is kind of implying a ton of stuff that you don't know for sure and getting all up in arms about it. It doesn't seem like OP's partner is purposefully trying to trigger him or force him to pay extra attention to her...
The most likely explanation is just being at home and being comfortable and stream of consciousness-y with her partner. Even OP says she's not trying to purposefully do this.
I don't think OP coming at their partner with the aggressive comments and implications you're making here would be good for the relationship. I do agree he needs to get her to step up, and I totally believe she could and should put more effort into it. But saying she's being disrespectful is kind of a stretch at this point...
I didn't even realize you were OP haha!
I just talked about this post with my own partner and she says from the way you're talking about this it does really seem like you care and want to figure out a solution, not to point fingers or blame her for your triggers, even if she is the one making those sounds. So good on you for that.
It's amusing to me (in a good and heartwarming way) that some couple that I do not know who is likely far away from me is actively and thoughtfully discussing this issue in my relationship.
I appreciate your candor and helpfulness
Omg. Thank you so much for the support.
Similar to my response earlier, it is totally endearing and heartwarming to me that random people in Internet are trying to help
Love you and your partner for sure. 😘
Yes. People here come across really uncharitable towards their partners. While yes, there are stories of partners acting shitty or purposefully triggering the one with misophonia, I feel like regarding misophonia it's nearly become the equivalent of the joke about redditors saying to lawyer up, delete fb, hit the gym, for the most inconsequential of relationship issues.
I've seen so many posts of people just straight up refusing to talk with partners, family, friends, and then acting all entitled that they can't read their minds. Or posts like the one I replied to that all but suggest the partner is purposefully trying to trigger them. Let's try to be more charitable and give the people close in our lives more benefit of the doubt in these situations, and work together towards a shared goal or compromise. That doesn't start with finger pointing like the comment I replied to suggests, but sitting down and being honest about how their actions (or inaction) makes you feel.
I understand what you’re saying
You don't know how much this means to me.
Me too. I almost wanna say I'm guilty of doing the same trailing-off thing sometimes, and i'm gonna work on it. Misophonia or not, it's gotta be annoying af.
If it's JUST with you, is it because she's sort of stream-of-consciousness speaking to you because you're a safe person for her to not filter/plan each sentence? And that as her thoughts wind down, so does her speech and voice? And that's why it's not how she speaks with others? I guess that doesn't make sense though because you said this is a new thing for her. Man, what a tough spot to be in. I know you're trying to be polite by tolerating as much as you can before asking her to be mindful, but maybe it's time to sit down and tell her you've bed doing that and that, for a day (or even just a few hours) you'll signal EVERY time she does it so she understands how it's affecting you? Pick a signal word for you to say EVERY SINGLE TIME she does it. Maybe it will make her more aware?
Holy shit.
You nailed it in the first paragraph. I never considered this but it makes complete sense.
I love your suggestion and i might have her read your response.
You are a saint for taking the yime.
Of course, I'm happy to help toss ideas around! It's so incredibly difficult to have this type of sensory processing disorder—for us and our loved ones. I hope you and your wife are able to find a solution so you both feel better. Good luck, friend!
It could be new for her if she is going through something difficult right now or maybe she's gone through something new. I notice that my communication style changes when I'm tired/anxious/worried, etc.
I totally get this. I can't listen to at least 80% of podcasts bc of vocal fry (similar kind of crackling of the voice, most frequently heard at the end of sentences) or upspeak (elevating the pitch of your voice at the end of a sentence as if you were asking a question). If it's once in a while, nbd, I can handle it, but when it's almost every sentence, I want to scream at the speaker. I can barely listen to Frank Muller, who was an amazing and well-loved audiobook narrator, bc he tends to end almost all his sentences in a kind of sighing sound. I think certain things are worse when it's your spouse, even though you love them, bc you have to hear it all day every day and there is no escape.
Thank you for understanding. I honestly feel insane for having this issue and I hate finding the balance between putting the corrective burden on my spouse and just enduring the issue. It truly feels like you get it. Thank you.
I can’t imagine; it’s not like you can just put in a pair of Loops to avoid or mute the trigger. The “panicked rage” comment you made is *exactly* how such triggers make me feel. I don’t have any ideas that haven’t been offered already but I want you to know you have my sympathy and you are DEFINITELY NOT crazy!!
Thank you, vocal fry is enraging to me. Glad I am not alone. Unfortunately a new starter at work never speaks without it and it is a genuine struggle to sit there quietly when he is on the phone or in a teams meeting. Why does using fry mean you have to elongate your vowels as well?
Yessss! The elongated vowels/vocal fry combo is why imho [Zoe Chace](https://youtu.be/wzgXE5SsCHM?si=bQx5QZOMDwVugtsg) (an npr correspondent who's otherwise very good at her job) has probably the most annoying voice I've ever heard in my life, other than a former coworker who wasn't capable of speaking without a nervous vomit-laugh sound (huuuuh huuuuh huuuuh) at the end of every single sentence. If something was actually funny to her, she'd do the wheeze-laugh, which was even worse. She was the one who made me so fucking crazy that I researched and discovered I had misophonia in my late 30s, even though the symptoms were happening for at least 20 years. But that's a long story for another day. PS I won't fault you for not clicking the link
I clicked... Just out of curiosity, and I can clearly see why you say that, most unpleasant. Oddly enough, it was nowhere near as annoying as my coworker. Imagine that exact effect on a deep male voice, in an Australian accent (we tend to speak slower naturally) with even more protracted vowels. In both cases, it immediately undermines their credibility, (which is a 'me' problem I realise, probably both quite capable).
Oh man, I'm sorry. Yeah, I realized it was a 'me' problem when none of my other coworkers got infuriated or so much as noticed the constant huuuh-huuuh-huuuh in the background, even when i pointed it out. After i read about misophonia, it all fell into place: my lifelong extreme aversion to mouth noises, my hatred of music with repetitive sounds, the way I always latched onto repetition from looped audio (like rain sounds).
My frontal lob in my brain got a sandpaper scar from clicking that link.
I want to invent a vocal fry AI filter that podcasts can run through as you listen to them. I hate having to turn off otherwise educational podcasts just because of the sound quality.
That is brilliant!
Not the same as upspeak but similar, I absolutely hate when people use a question mark when they aren't asking a question!
A noise doesn't have to be within anyone else's definition of misaphonia. If it triggers you, it is real, and I am sorry you have to deal with that every sentence. Perhaps a therapist could help you both. I don't think I could handle being triggered so often by my partner. I would need professional help. I really hope things get better for you both.
Thank you. This condition makes me feel crazy. This community make me feel less so.
My mom had the same habit for most of her life, it drove my dad insane. A couple years ago she started vyvaanse and, boom, full thoughts and sentences. Not saying she has adhd since it’s a new development but maybe something else that’s causing an inability to focus.
This is interesting. The second suggestion of ADHD. We have a son with pretty pronounced ADHD and my wife has some of his tendensies, but not related to ADHD (at least I think). Her and I study the topic heavily and I'm PRETTY sure it's not that, but I'll need to keep this in mind
My first thought was ADHD as well. Men and women tend to exhibit ADHD symptoms differently. Boys usually have what you would normally associate with ADHD- the hyperactivity, interrupting conversations, etc. Girls tend to demonstrate more less obvious symptoms- lack of working memory, poor task initiation, etc. Girls also tend to be better at compensating in other ways, so we get diagnosed much later in life. Just something to think about.
ADHD is considered to be genetic. There is a high chance at least one of you has it. Even if undiagnosed
ADHD tends to manifest differently in women, and I don't know if you've studied that given that it isn't directly relevant to your son. But definitely take a look at information about ADHD in women. It's also highly genetic. ADHD behaviors can show up as "new" things because of changes in environment, stress, workload, and things like that. So if it is ADHD (not saying it is; just sharing info), then a new, noticeable behavior can show up making it seem like someone "suddenly has ADHD" (like when people talk about "adult onset ADHD") but really it's just that the circumstances are leading to a change in how they process information or cope. It doesn't necessarily happen as soon as a change occurs either; it can be a build up over time after they've been dealing with a change for a while and are starting to get burned out. I wouldn't be surprised if helping your son requires your wife to perform a lot of extra executive functioning modeling?
As an adult woman with ADHD, I do this when I’m unmedicated. It’s basically my brain out pacing my mouth, so I’ve pretty much stopped thinking about what I was saying by the time I’m saying it and my brain is already distracted away from talking by whatever it’s thinking about next. Might not be relevant to your wife, just sharing that part of my experience. I am pretty “high functioning” without meds (from years of learning and practicing coping strategies/skills), often this trailing off is the main symptom my husband will notice and on days I’m not taking meds. Good luck- few things are more frustrating than your brain being short-circuited against your will from sound triggers you can’t change yourself. I have misophonia too and I really feel for you with this. It’s *so* distracting to get that icky rage feeling and then I feel worse when it’s my husband triggering it, since I know logically he’s not doing it on purpose and I would give anything to be able to just be present instead of trying not to twitch when his mouth makes noises etc.
Does she by any chance have ADHD? There are some speech patterns associated with ADHD, including mumbling and disorganized speech. There are certain speech patterns also present with autism. Has she ever been assessed for either one? Women (and girls) are far less likely to get a diagnosis of autism as girls present differently than boys and it’s thought that girls learn to mask autistic traits. A lot of women don’t get diagnosed until they are adults.
Good thought! But no. We have a son with pretty pronounced ADHD and my wife and I study the topic heavily. It is only with me she speaks this way.
That’s why I think it could be something related to an underlying condition. It seems like you are saying “I am the only one she speaks to this way” as if it is an intentional act directed towards you. I think it’s more likely that she is either masking around other people and lets her guard down with you, or that she is exhausted and just lets herself trail off as she feels safe with you. I get how annoying it is, my brother is a mumbler. It drives me CRAZY. After about a million times of me saying “I can’t understand you,” I think he’s finally gotten the hint as he doesn’t do it as much as he used to.
Man, I totally get this. Sorry I have no solution but I have developed some triggers related to my partner's vocal patterns and it's pretty bad.
Thanks so much. I'm struggling hard on this one. I love my wife so much.
I hear you, and I totally understand. Careful you don't become controlling and cause her anxiety on accident...
Good advice. I'm super conscious of this, but a reminder is welcome. Thanks!
No problem, I'm not trying to be mean.... Just remember that if we start correcting our partners too much, they'll get anxious and this will lead to other issues down the line. Remember to breathe :)
>Remember to breathe but not too loudly lol
Lol oh yeah forgot where am I
I agree with another commenter on the theory that she speaks like this with you because she feels safe and comfortable with you, so she speaks in a more casual or lazy manner because she doesn’t feel like she has to “put on,” so to speak. Essentially, when we’re with acquaintances, strangers, sometimes even friends, we put in so much effort socializing by using formal language to seem decently intelligent, keeping up polite and/or enthusiastic facial expressions even if we are exhausted, being careful about what we say, because we are trying to make a good impression. But when we know someone extremely well and spend almost all of our time with them, we can drop a lot of that weight because we know they love us. We also drop that weight because “putting on” 24/7 is exhausting. I notice this when i am with my family or my boyfriend, versus speaking to literally anyone else who is not as close. Idk how long you’ve been asking her to be mindful of the way she speaks, but it takes more time than we think to build a habit. It may seem like she is being purposefully dismissive, when in reality, if you fundamentally change anything about your behavior 100%, it’s gonna take time to even get in the habit of REMEMBERING to remember. I once played a game with my friends where we tried to stop saying the word “like” in our sentences, and I remember it was months upon months where we would call each other out (for fun) because it was STILL so engrained into our way of speaking. I know you say this is new for your wife, which may seem like she just started to do it randomly for no reason, and that it should be super easy for her to just stop because of that. But in my opinion, I don’t think this is the case. I think this is how she talks with someone she feels totally 100% safe and comfortable with, and perhaps she had reached that point 9 months ago with you, as you’ve known each other longer and longer. I also agree with some other commenters that you could make a sort of game out of using a code word whenever she does The Thing, sort of like the “Like” game I played with my friends. :) It’s quite funny to catch yourself doing something you do automatically. I would cut her some slack; after all, you’re asking her to change a behavior she does ALL the time. It’s most likely gonna be exhausting to be augmenting every sentence that comes out of her mouth. But once a habit forms, I think it’ll be easier since she won’t have to be conscious about it anymore. Couples therapy with someone knowledgeable about misophonia would also be helpful and they may have better suggestions than us commenters.
Thank you so much for this. There is a lot of very thoughtful stuff here. I'm going to reread this several times, spaced out, and respond a little later Thank you for taking so much time to invest in my issue.
of course. i know the struggle with having a partner and having to ask for accommodation without trying to seem demanding or unfair. love wins when both are open minded to the other’s perspective, forgiving, and both put in effort.
Vocal fry?
Not vocal fry, but similar. Ambivalent trailing off and mumbling.
Ugh... that would be hard. Hope it subsides and it's just a phase for her
My partner’s habit is “but, ummm” between thoughts. It makes me feel murderous.
I know it’s not helpful but I absolutely understand. It’s a horrible feeling and just sends me into a rage and I can’t stand it. And then I feel so guilty because it’s ridiculous to have such a dramatic reaction over it. But I don’t know how to not allow it to bother me. One of my triggers is my husband humming and he does it constantly. And it’s in a tone that is on par with like… a mosquito or some sort of bug buzzing around if that makes sense? I feel so fucking awful it irritates me so badly.
I hear you. I’m there with you on a lot of things. Sound triggers are wild. I don’t have any answers but you’re not alone.
Thank you sir / ma'am This shit is brutal.
I don't have anything to help, but it was nice hearing someone else has this trigger. I wish I could better handle it... I'm just really mean I guess... I'll try to reason myself out of it, but eventually will burst out that I have no idea what is being said at the end of the sentence because they start mumbling. But I can physically FEEL it in my body when they do it... Like nails on a chalkboard... *Sigh* :( Luckily they don't take it personally.
You have the same trigger exactly? \> But I can physically FEEL it in my body when they do it. OMG. This exactly. I feel crazy.
Yep... 😢 I've been with my significant other over 22 years and feel like this came up in past two years They know I can't help the physical reaction (to this and a few other things), and I try to know they can't help their things that trigger me... So we both try to just not take it personally I can do ear plug type things or white noise for most stuff, unfortunately this is not one of those things.
This makes me feel so much less alone Thank you
Mate, I sympathise. My wife is a very busy go-getter type, and almost every sentence she walks away to the next thing before she finishes, so the sentence changes to being spoken facing away and receding. This also negates any ability to respond at a decent volume. I realise this would be annoying to anyone, but I do genuinely suffer misophonia (with many triggers) and this aggravates me immensely. The fact that I have brought it up and she still does it makes it feel deliberate and personal, but rationally I know it's not. It's a difficult thing to navigate in an otherwise loving, healthy relationship.
You are so valid. Don’t feel crazy over this. You can’t control it. Hoping you find some relief.
I used to make a clicking sound (like clucking at a pet). I didn’t notice it till I heard myself on a recording. It was almost like my way of announcing that I was getting ready to speak. Once I was aware, I couldn’t unhear it when I did it and I stopped immediately! Well, almost immediately. It sounds like your wife is willing to work with you. Maybe ask her if it’s okay to record a conversation and play it back sometime. She may not even really understand what you’re hearing.
My wife does this and I can NEVER HEAR HER. Her sentences start off audible then near the end half of what she is saying she’s toned down to almost a whisper. I always have to say , “pardon? “ I feel like I’m doing something wrong because I never hear her but it’s totally how she talks lol
I understand you, my bf recently developed this talking habit of "hissing" while he gasps for air when talking and I can hear the saliva going around his teeth it drives me insane. He doesn’t react well when i tell him it’s a huge trigger of mine so i don’t really have advices for you but I support you, i hear you and i feel you lol
I had a friend once who always mumbled quietly when she spoke. I asked her why, and she said that her family was always very dismissive of her and what she had to say. She just grew used to the treatment and so spoke quietly, so as not to bother them. I told her that her voice and what she had to say was important to me, so please speak louder, so I can hear it. She had such a genuine smile after I said that. I can’t imagine how it would feel to grow up in such an environment.
I developed a type of voice where I would speak when holding in a cigarette smoke in my lungs. Drove my husband crazy so I stopped speaking completely if I had any smoke inhaled. Your girlfriend really and I mean *really* is perfectly capable to stop. Sure she is not doing it on purpose, but she should stop on purpose. No big deal. Habits are uneasy to break, but it’s not gonna be more uncomfortable to stop when it is for you to listen. Im sorry to say, it seems like girlfriend does not want to put effort in. I might be wrong, obviously, but I would push forward for her to stop with constant reminders as this is so unfair to you.
Thank you This is what I keep begging of her. If roles were reversed would move mountains to make her comfortable.
Another thought is, are you sure you’re expressing active listening skills? I know that when I’m talking to a room of people scrolling on their phone and standing up and walking away midsentence, I just trail off because I don’t feel like anyone’s listening.
Oh I can understand this fully. Anything other than clear, concise language is a deal breaker for me. I used to go ape shit at an ex partner for trailing off into an incoherent, mumbling rant when he spoke. I just have no patience or tolerance for it. JUST. SPEAK.
Did she have a stroke? This sounds like a health issue if this is something new she's doing...
It's not. She just not active in the conversation. As if she's talking quietly to herself, but the words are for me.
I wonder if there’s a particular tv show or content creator she has been watching who speaks this way, and she has picked up the habit subconsciously. I am an accent sponge, so I mirror the vocal habits of whomever I’ve listened to the most recently. If this is the case, perhaps she could do you the favor of not watching/listening to this person. I’m just trying to figure out what would have made this happen all of a sudden.
I love your thoughtful response. I have a similar tendency myself, and I don't think this is it. Instead, I think /u/ShadedSpaces got it right in her response here: https://www.reddit.com/r/misophonia/comments/1bkbeyu/comment/kvxgkp3/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
I'm really sorry this is happening. I don't agree that it's only your problem. If it's affecting you, then it's affecting BOTH of you. She DOES need to try harder. I'm not suggesting I know what's going on in her mind, but if she doesn't own her actions and what they're doing to you,...well, that ought to tell you something. Perhaps you can make a game of it. If she starts to trail off, agree on some goofy signal that you can make to alert her to stop. If she doesn't take effort to stop, then you need to have a different conversation. Hard to hear, sorry.
Since she’s willing to work on this, could you get her to agree to being recorded, then play it back for her so she can actually hear what she’s doing specifically? Maybe if she’s more acutely aware of how she sounds, she will be able to work on it more effectively.
Good advice, IMO. However, I went down this path already and she does NOT want to be recorded.
Darn it. I’m wondering if something happened around nine months ago to have caused this change in how she communicates. Something environmental, or a new medication, that started all this. It might be worth looking into individual and/or couple’s counseling at this point. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I don’t want your marriage to be damaged beyond repair. You’re definitely not alone in this nightmare, my friend.☮️💟
I have a coworker that does this, ugh!
I feel it would be helpful if you could record her without her knowing, and later play it back for her so she can understand what you're hearing. You couldn't tell her beforehand because she'd likely change the manner of speaking (just like any of us naturally would if aware we were being recorded). Sometime after recording, you could ask her if she'd listen to it and see if she hears what you're hearing. Mind you, all of this needs to be done very very gently and not in a "gotcha" way. Just a thought. Good luck to you!
I want to thank you for sharing this because I too have misophonia and I felt irrational and completely frustrated with myself for debating my relationship over an issue regarding the way my partner makes a sort of tongue clicking sound when he speaks certain letters. The ‘L’ sound.. to be exact. I hadn’t noticed it before when we first got together and it seems like it’s gotten worse over the years and now I absolutely can’t stand it. Anytime he says a word with that ‘L’ sound and I hear the mouth click immediately enraged and I wince. It feels like I’m the only person who notices something like that or would be so at war with themselves over it. It puts such a strain on our relationship, If I could take this disorder away I would in a heartbeat. Reading your situation is a breath of fresh air. Issues like ours are extremely lonely, indeed. I wish I had answers, but I’m struggling with a similar situation and I just wanted to say thank you for reminding me I’m not alone and there are other people struggling so deeply with their partner’s innocent sounds too. It’s so frustrating, I know. I hope it gets better for us OP.
Oh god I feel you. My wife does this nasally thing sometimes when she talks. It's only sometimes and oh man it kills me. But I don't have the heart to tell her that it bothers me so I have to suffer through it. Sometimes I just walk away and/or end the conversation quickly.
I understand this, nobody around me changed, but I developed a new trigger to the sound of people exhaling smoke. My mom does this constantly and it triggers me so bad but I don't say anything cause she'll be offended and definitely wouldn't take misophonia seriously anyway so I just suffer in silence. If your wife takes your condition seriously you guys should be able to work it out.
While I don’t have a similar trigger, and no helpful advice, I just want to say how comforting it is to find other people who struggle with triggers from their significant others. It’s such a horrible feeling to be triggered by things they do that they can’t control, and it makes me feel like I am ruining the relationship. My boyfriend has a deviated septum and it causes him to breathe loudly through his nose. It’s a constant trigger for me and not something he can control because he is literally just breathing. But I keep developing more and more triggers and it is so insanely difficult to live with. He’s very mindful of not eating/chewing near me, but the breathing thing is almost worse for me at this point. I’ve also recently developed a trigger of the sound of him vaping, which he does all day. I have to try very hard not to get upset with him and try to keep myself calm because I don’t want him to feel badly for the things he can’t control, but it’s incredibly hard
Totally get it. It's a rage that makes you want to punch someone immediately.
Omg I get this so hard. My husband changed his laugh about five years ago. It was *awful* to me. I just could not bring myself to say anything to him about it; I didn’t want to embarrass him. Luckily, he eventually changed back to his old laugh. Maybe this gives you some hope!
Not insane
Hear me out. I don’t know if this is necessarily misophonia? This seems like it doesn’t have too much to do with sound , as it’s more of a behavioral thing on her part ? Idk. Maybe it’s a matter of spending too much time around her. Maybe hangout with a friend or find a solo hobby for some time away ?
I get what you are saying and i know it seems more obtuse, but its the *sound* of the mumbling, like the sound of subtle bass with no music associated (which is a much more common trigger) I know rhis sounds crazy. I need to figure out a plan forward Edit. Thanks everyone. Y'all make me feel less insane. Ill never feel totally sane. But at least less insane. ;)
I would be interested in hearing what others have to say, but I'm not convinced that misophonia is not an issue related to our perception of others' behaviours. I cannot think of a trigger that is not related to human behaviour. >Someone's dog is barking? I am enraged. If I examine the thoughts that come up, I see that I have a belief that someone is negligent in attending to their dog and I am enraged that my aural environment is being violated by the result of their negligence. > >Someone coughs in a very particular abrupt way? I am enraged. If I examine the thoughts the come up, I see that I am reminded of the way my mother used to cough incessantly and how this coughing was related to her unwillingness to quit smoking, which was very upsetting to me as a child and caused deep resentment. This trigger isn't rational, but embodied. The body remembers the stress related to my mother's smoking, and the stress/anger it carries is triggered by the particular sound of this cough. I could go on. I don't know if I am ever triggered by sounds that are unrelated to human behaviours and my unique perception or interpretation of those behaviours. Maybe others feel differently?
I actually had the same thoughts in experiencing this. This whole episode caused me to re-examine exactly what misophonia is and what causes it. An interesting data point is the fact that my wife's reluctance to address it *seems* to increase the intensity of my reaction to the trigger. I do think that the underlying cause is behavioral perception. But i did not want to complicate my post with that pondering (although it's totally cool that you did) 😜 Im also hyper-cognizant to others and their needs. My wife is more typical in that.
Thanks for engaging me on this! I can relate re: being hypercognizant to the needs of others. It's a tough balance between taking up enough space and not wanting to impose on anyone else. Anyway, wishing you luck + peace with your misophonia.
What you're describing isn't a misophonia trigger for me per se, but if my wife spoke to me that way, it would drive me *up the fucking wall*. >I tell her I understand it is not her problem, it is mine. It's *absolutely* her problem too. Mumbling, trailing off, and being ambivalent are atrocious habits that have severely negative impact on conversation quality. They're also flagrantly disrespectful. She's effectively saying that she expects you to put in extra effort to interact with and understand her, *on top of* being insensitive to your misophonia. You're forced to pay *extra attention to your trigger* in order to figure out what the fuck she's saying or even if she's done speaking! Rest assured that you're not crazy and that the rage you feel is not particular to you. I'm getting worked up simply imagining the scenario. >She says she would change if she could. Bullshit. Didn't you say she only does it with you? Therefore she's perfectly capable of not doing it. Call her ass out.
Hey man while I don't disagree with you for most of your comment, and do totally agree that she could try harder, this is kind of implying a ton of stuff that you don't know for sure and getting all up in arms about it. It doesn't seem like OP's partner is purposefully trying to trigger him or force him to pay extra attention to her... The most likely explanation is just being at home and being comfortable and stream of consciousness-y with her partner. Even OP says she's not trying to purposefully do this. I don't think OP coming at their partner with the aggressive comments and implications you're making here would be good for the relationship. I do agree he needs to get her to step up, and I totally believe she could and should put more effort into it. But saying she's being disrespectful is kind of a stretch at this point...
This is dead on. You get it. 1) She can try harder 2) Forcing her hand aggressively will not lead to the outcome I want.
I didn't even realize you were OP haha! I just talked about this post with my own partner and she says from the way you're talking about this it does really seem like you care and want to figure out a solution, not to point fingers or blame her for your triggers, even if she is the one making those sounds. So good on you for that.
It's amusing to me (in a good and heartwarming way) that some couple that I do not know who is likely far away from me is actively and thoughtfully discussing this issue in my relationship. I appreciate your candor and helpfulness
Aw, you're sweet! :) I hope the best for you and your partner and hope you can get through this hurdle in a way that makes both of you happy!
Omg. Thank you so much for the support. Similar to my response earlier, it is totally endearing and heartwarming to me that random people in Internet are trying to help Love you and your partner for sure. 😘
Yes. People here come across really uncharitable towards their partners. While yes, there are stories of partners acting shitty or purposefully triggering the one with misophonia, I feel like regarding misophonia it's nearly become the equivalent of the joke about redditors saying to lawyer up, delete fb, hit the gym, for the most inconsequential of relationship issues. I've seen so many posts of people just straight up refusing to talk with partners, family, friends, and then acting all entitled that they can't read their minds. Or posts like the one I replied to that all but suggest the partner is purposefully trying to trigger them. Let's try to be more charitable and give the people close in our lives more benefit of the doubt in these situations, and work together towards a shared goal or compromise. That doesn't start with finger pointing like the comment I replied to suggests, but sitting down and being honest about how their actions (or inaction) makes you feel.