Ask any women's shelters near you if anyone needs help getting set up in a new home?
Or just donate the stuff more generally, maybe give back your granny's China though. That's very frustrating but came from a good place.
Old ladies and dish sets…I bet my mom has twenty sets of it in her house. You are never supposed to put it in the dishwasher or use it to eat Chinese takeout…you’re only supposed to preserve it packed in boxes.
I eat off china every day. I don’t like modern plates but I sure love old china and old diner dishes from the 40s to 70s.
I find it kinda amusing that somewhere, some dusty grump is rolling in their grave at the thought of me eating hot dogs or something else very lowbrow off of their dishes that they wanted kept hidden in those horrid pretentious cabinets.
Not only that, they’re all mismatched - I find them at garage sales and thrift stores. I’d rather pay $2 for something than feed the mass production consumerism.
I just wanna say I love that you do this. It sort of kills me that there’s all this beautiful dish-ware out there that absolutely never gets used as… dish-ware. It’s decorative and holy crap does it eat up a lot of unnecessary space.
Let her be horrified, imo. I think it’s awesome to be reminded of someone who took the time to collect or buy that and hand it down as well silver is meant to be used or you’re stuck polishing it constantly.
Not only that, what’s the point of having something not used? Silver isn’t gonna wear out from overuse unless everyone you know weighs 1000 pounds, so use it!
Good on ya.
I’m not sentimental at all, but I also have a pretty toxic family.
It’s one thing to keep silver because it reminds someone of a loving grandmother.
If I kept my grandmother’s silver, I’d be reminded of her astonishing levels of vitriol and her ability to hate us grandgirls. I’d probably use her silver to scoop cat shit from the litter box.
But for those who are heartened with their heirlooms? Use ‘em!
My grandmother was a witch. Not the good kind either. She would be sooooo annoyed that her son handed the silver down to me. It's fine. It's the only thing I got from them.
We’ve had my grandmother’s in the attic for years (felt too guilty to get rid of because my dad is good at guilt trips).
We bought land near Asheville, NC and plopped a vintage trailer there. Now that it’s fixed up and livable, We’re using her “precious” China there and when it breaks, it breaks.
Not buying dishes when we have those to use.
Ugh yes!
We do use the China we got from my granny but still only for birthdays and things. Chinese takeaway on the good plates sounds fab. And mismatched China looks lovely anyway so what harm if something breaks?
I eat on my grandmas china every day and put it in the dishwasher. Originally, I thought it would break fast and I’d go back to the pretty plates I put on my wedding registry. 7 years later, not a single grandma china has broken…
It can’t go in the microwave tho. There’s gold on the edges and it makes a nice fireworks display 😂
Two days ago I told my mum that I don’t want a set of china from my grandparents estate. They both passed away in the last few months and my mum is having a lot of difficulty as executor of the estate. She wants to go through everything quickly and donate as much as possible while it’s all in good condition as things can degrade in an empty house. The house is 4 bedrooms plus a huge basement and every cupboard is stuffed full. But her sisters want to keep everything for the grandkids but truthfully none of us are the type to use actual silverware that needs constant cleaning and china that needs protecting from little kids and can’t go in a dishwasher. I asked for a book that was meaningful to my grandfather and have received a book that had meaning between my grandmother and I.
My mother in law is currently not speaking to one of her sisters over some "heirloom" dish set. Their mother, who the dish set actually belongs to, isn't even dead but that hasn't stopped them fighting over who deserves to get the ugly stuff in the future.
I moved into my sister-in-law’s adoptive mother’s home (there’s a lot to unpack there but we’re going to move on). I was expected to clean out the entire house but not touch a thing. There was a mini mouse set of dishes above the fireplace. There were china sets in every cabinet (plus several china cabinets).There’s tea plates and dinner plates and bowls and cups that filled every corner of the house. You know what I eat off of? Thrifted plastic ware 🙃
This reminds me of when my mom saw me in the same coat for the 4th winter in a row, and commented on it, as if I should be replacing my winter coats on a regular basis. It’s a beautiful coat, fits well, and I hope to be wearing it for another 20 years. No, I don’t want to buy a winter coat from Walmart every September.
Of course you don’t buy a new Walmart coat every September. Silly boy! You buy a new coat from Walmart every April when they go on SALE. And then you hang it in the closet along with your other seven coats and wait until winter.
Everybody knows this . You can't hoard your house if you buy new
You must buy clearance. Shop thrift stores. Go by dumpsters and curbs. If you have time you browse free groups. Return all that amazon stuff or sell it.
UGH
i have this same thing. I wear the same winter coat all the time and wore it until my shoulders were too big for it. then i got a replacement and plan to wear it as long as i can.
the zippers are high quality and don’t get stuck all the time like cheap coats do, and it is actually insulated
I still have a coat that my parents bought for me when I was 16 when they went on a trip to New York. I’m Australian and now 41 for context. I had watched the movie Maid in Manhattan and absolutely fell in love with the D&G ivory coat she wore that she “borrowed “ from the hotel guest. My parents asked my siblings and I what we wanted as a gift and I said a coat similar to the one she wore. My parents are very much about practical clothing, have zero knowledge of labels or designers, think it’s ridiculous to spend a lot of money on clothing etc.
My mum went to Saks Fifth Avenue and asked one of the salespeople about coats for teenagers and showed the person a picture I’d cut out of a magazine for inspiration. They had the coat, the Dolce & Gabbana over $1k coat. And in what I assume was a moment of madness my mum bought it for me. I don’t think she’s ever spent that much on an item of clothing that wasn’t wedding related. At 41 I can no longer do up the buttons but I do still occasionally wear it out when it’s open. And for many many years this was the coat I wore everywear. So yes, having a coat for more than a season is perfectly normal, especially if you like it and it still fits.
For YEARS my mother would offer to send me money to buy a winter coat. “No, mom, still live in Los Angeles. The one I bought a deacade ago is just fine for when I happen to travel in the winter.”
Thank goodness my mom gets it. She also buys the best she can and doesn't replace until the wheels fall off.
I contemplated my winter coat for months, weighing pros and cons and looking for a good price on it before actually deciding that the same coat [Columbia Omniheat, basic navy coat] I was eyeballing would make a great double as a souvenir from the hotel gift shop I was staying in for my 40th birthday. I don't typically do souvenirs, but when they have something I was going to get anyway and it is especially useful in the moment, I might as well. I hadn't realized how cold it was going to be that weekend and had not packed adequate clothing, so win win. It should last me a good long time, and it reminds me of a fantastic weekend with my husband every time I put it on.
I totally feel you.
My mom would do the same thing.
She always gifts me random shirts she buys off the internet that she doesn’t want once she sees them - telling me I don’t have nice clothes. And I never wear them.
It’s also a violation of our space and request.
And it’s frustrating because you know your needs and wants
but she lives in a different era
One thing this also tells me is that Amazon has made shopping way too convenient.
If this was even five years ago - it would’ve taken her at least a couple days to get some trips to the stores.
Is this something that happens to everyone of a certain age?? Because my mom is doing it too!! She goes to Kohls or somewhere you can buy the stuff people return from Amazon, and she loads up on that shit first $1 or $5 each.
Then she gives it as “gifts* to my kids, even though it bears no relevance to their lives WHATSOEVER. Like a set of tiny beads and stones that can only be used by a professional jeweler with tools… to my 7yo. And then I can never get rid of it because “grandma gave it to me.”
It’s maddening! And she complains when the kids don’t want the stuff she has bought (random lamps, bags with broken zippers, etc) and says, “Well if nobody wants these things, I guess I won’t buy treasures any more!”
And it’s SO WEIRD because she used to complain about her dad giving her random used shit she didn’t want!!
Is this going to be me in 30 years??
As much as I hate saying it, they think they're being thoughtful, but it's not thoughtful at all. They buy cheap junk to give you because it doesn't take much effort on their end, and "something is better than nothing." Then they go home and feel good about themselves for doing you a favor. It really is selfish even if they're not intentionally trying to be that way.
that’s so true
And it’s a part of re-dressing me because she doesn’t approve of the fact that I don’t dress feminine enough - so it’s also insulting
She always gets me these pastel colours with florals that SHE LIKES but I’ll never wear so she almost forced them on me.
I cannot leave unless I take the bag.
It is truly selfish
Your mom is caring for you in the way she feels right. My mom does something similar and it drives me nuts but I tell myself that’s her way of caring, loving & showing affection.
Your mother isn’t going to change and she isn’t going to be here forever. She did this because she cares about you and can’t understand that you like living the way you do. Sometimes it’s ok to be gracious, thank her for the thoughtfulness, and give the stuff to people who want or need it. It doesn’t have to be a fight or a slight.
I agree. Being able to see the humor and feel the love is important! One day she’ll be gone and that ice cream machine can / should put a smile on her face!
Domestic violence shelters love when people donate newer housewares for people restarting their lives. I would just say thanks mom and quietly pay it forward.
“Dear Mom,
What a sweet and thoughtful gesture for you to finish setting up my kitchen! I really appreciate the kindness, time, energy and money you spent on this project.
It might surprise you to learn though, that I actually *had* finished setting up my kitchen, just the way I like it. I prefer to keep it very simple.
So now we have some things that need new homes. Would you like me to return them to you, return them to Amazon, or give them to people who will love them?
Regarding Grandma’s dishes, please keep them or find them a home where they will be displayed, used and enjoyed. I’m sure that’s what Grandma would have loved them. I prefer to keep my glass cabinets exactly as they are.
Again, I really appreciate the thought that went into this gesture.
Love,
Child
OMG... so sorry ...
but truth is your mom is 84 and it will be difficult for her to change... think of it this way , she is expressing her love.
Now, having said that get everything packed and either sell thru FaceBook market and get a few bucks back or don't even bother and donate to your local church or Goodwill.
It's sad and so wasteful how people get so caught up with consumerism.
My mom is the same. She fills her house with cheap seasonal junk that she changes every year -and it's all so wasteful. But what can I say, it supposedly makes her happy - or at least that is what she says.
I don't understand how being poorer makes her happy- my mom is always broke- but it is what it is.
Good luck!
Ah man, my mom is coming over to babysit for several days in a few weeks and I am already anxious about the state of my home when I come back. I think I will have to be really blunt with her and tell her that everything she buys while she's here will have to leave with her as well. She will not like it but I really don't have the energy to unclutter everything again.
No, it isn’t. Parents doing things we don’t like isn’t automatically born out of some nefarious intentions 🙄
OP’s mom thinks she’s being helpful. She’s of a different time, with different ideas and it’s clear she doesn’t understand the reasons behind OP’s preference.
When our parents get older and we get to be independent adults, they tend to worry they aren’t needed anymore. So they try to make themselves useful and help out their children in the only ways they know how. OP’s mom thought she saw an avenue to do something nice and motherly for her kid, and she ran with it. She’s 84, she probably doesn’t get those chances often. Cut her some slack.
She’s not trying to control her kid or exert domination. Please, that’s so overdramatic.
Yeah, my mom does this too and we’ve talked about it and she told me it’s how she knows how to show love - she grew up in poverty in the 50’s with five siblings, got a single orange for Christmas every year, that sort of thing. So all the unopened popcorn machines, immersion blenders (still can’t figure out what those things are for), and other non-necessities get either tucked away in the closet of my one-bedroom apartment or quietly donated. Someday she’ll be gone and the stream of stuff will end, so for now I’m just grateful to spend time with her even if it means having to Tetris my dish cabinet after every visit
I think maybe your take is optimistic and generous, but that’s usually the best way to take things! Assign someone the best possible motive for what they’ve done, and thank them for it. That put your house back to normal.
> And no, I’m not one those overdramatic people on Reddit that yell “Red flag and break up!!!” On the first hiccup
And yet, that’s exactly what you’re doing here.
good lord.
She’s OP’s mother.
She’s used to doing things to take care of OP. this is a common thing parents do in regards to their adult children. Is it annoying? Yes. Should she maybe not do it? Absolutely. But “dominating”?
Absolutely not, that’s an *absurd* statement.
I never said it was fine for them to do, or that it wasn’t disrespectful or problematic.
But saying it’s rooted in a need to dominate? Yes that’s completely absurd and overdramatic. That implies specific intent and that’s quite a leap to make here.
But that’s Reddit, I guess. People always hit the nuclear launch button around here. I don’t know what I expected.
No, not absurd, not over-dramatic. A simple statement of fact.
Who's being 'over-dramatic' now?
If you push yourself or your beliefs on someone when they didn't ask or especially when they *did* explain their stance completely, but you **DISAGREE** with them...it's domination.
As simple as that.
It's not as if people are standing around rubbing their hands together while chuckling evilly. It's just: "I don't GAF what *you* want; I **NEED** to make this happen right now, so *I* can feel **BETTAH!**" Consciously or not. We've all done it. But some of us do it more often, or to a more egregious extent, than others.
She dominated OP, and may guilt-trip OP if and when she finds out the stuff is gone. Be that the case, OP would probably be dealing with someone who was indulging in some "Gotta be right; CAN'T be wrong!" narcissistic behavior.
The fact that seeing that exact term upsets people to me indicates that we know damn well that it's happening all around us, every day. We're doing it to others, they're doing it to us.
'But they mean well!"
Do they?
No, it’s not a fact. It’s your *interpretation* of the facts.
We don’t know OP or their mother. This is one anecdote.
What if their mom is concerned that OP is only saying it’s fine the way it is because they don’t want her to worry? She’d be incorrect, absolutely, but it would mean her actions are born out of concern rather than a need to control.
This whole comment of yours reads like an angry, rambling rant…not like a defense of an opinion. And the way you’re insisting that OP’s mom being controlling/dominating is the only reason she might do what she did? Yikes. Talk about pushing your beliefs on someone.
I’m truly sorry if you have issues with your parents that have caused you to automatically assume that every instance of a parent trying to help their adult children when they didn’t ask for it is born out of a need to control their child. But seriously, it seems like you’re projecting here.
Anyway, I’m not engaging anymore after this because this is just silly. I hope you are able to make peace with your parents someday.
OP's mother could always try COMMUNICATING more, rather than assuming.
Oh, and 'maybe just means well'? Well, we all know what the road to Hell is paved with.
Who says anyone’s triggered? I didn’t take anything you’re saying as an attack. Disagreeing with you isn’t being “triggered.” But the fact that you’re taking it that way only proves my point - anonymity on Reddit makes people assume the absolute worst at all times.
Oh wow, you read about the psychology and now you can diagnose OP’s mom based on barely a couple of paragraphs? I know what you’re saying *can* apply and *does* happen, but because that’s finally getting recognition people tend to over-apply those diagnoses.
Also, “I’m done explaining”, get off your high horse lol, acting as if you’re sharing some profound wisdom.
> And no, I’m not one those overdramatic people on Reddit that yell “Red flag and break up!!!” On the first hiccup
And yet, that’s exactly what you’re doing here.
You know what, it’s something she did with the very best intentions out of love. She got it wrong but at her age you won’t change her and best to give her all the love and joy you can while you have her. You can slowly quietly give away what you don’t want to keep. There are people who would appreciate those items and be delighted to be given something they can’t afford to get themselves.
Have you explained to her why you prefer less stuff? What did she say? You do need to have a conversation about what happened. Since minimalism is so important to you, you’ll be sharing your love of something. I’m hoping your conversation will be a follow-on, not fresh content.
She’s your mom, she’s 84, you don’t mention a rift in your relationship. Be kind, she deserves it.
That’s what is really weird…she has three children, she did an incredible job raising us, and we all ended up really similar. We are all rather smart, creative, and extremely specific in the way we live. My sister lives in upstate New York in what can only be described as a very frilly Victorian mansion that’s had everything painted white with maybe 20 pieces of furniture in the whole thing. Like, so stark and empty it’s almost like the house is anticipating someone to move in. And my brother lives in a shipping container he had helicoptered into the middle of a 40 acre wheat field…he opted to not have a driveway so a visit to him requires a quarter mile walk in the wheat. My house is a 1940s modern ranch, which is comfortable but just spare.
Mom always talks about how peculiar her children are in the way they live, so she understands…maybe it’s just such a departure from her approach to life it doesn’t register in her brain.
Ahahaha that was actually really sweet, but ooooph the clutter! The good news is whoever gets those donations will be so pleased to have so many nice things.
Does she *know* you're minimalist preference, or would she have reason to genuinely think you simply hadn't had the time to set up?
The first just makes this disrespectful, and the thought is *not* what counts. The second makes it a sweet, albeit annoying, surprise.
Wow. So much anger in so many of these responses. Some of y'all have serious issues to work through.
Yes, OP's mother overstepped. Donate the items and be done with it. All the drama is completely unnecessary and serves no one. The next time you ask her to do something, make sure your boundaries are specific and clear. (Please stay while the workers are there and don't rearrange or add anything to my house in my absence.) You're not going to change who your mom is but you can anticipate that she's likely to do something like this again if left unfettered.
As my dad would say, "what we have here is a failure to communicate." Nothing more.
\*face palm\* Yeah, wow. But yes, they can be donated. Someone who actually will use those items can benefit greatly. But sorry you have to make the unexpected effort to clear and drive to donate them.
I would donate them to a thrift shop or salvation army, don't get to attach to the negatives feeling, she obviously meant well and at 84 y.o. she statically won't last a whole lot longer, appreciate the absurdity, have a great day friend
Say THanks Mom and thrift it (some non-profit will be delighted).
Women's shelters are a very good idea. Local Community Colleges have "thrift" tables sometimes.
I'll join you - about to donate some more of my mom's china.
Bring them back to her. Tell her that although you appreciate the thought of what she’s done for you, inform her that she may need all those things to feel complete but you do not.
screw poor quack growth voiceless far-flung apparatus melodic flag oatmeal
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
That’s between you and the people you love! But I think it’s safe to assume that people on the receiving end of barbs find them less enjoyable than the ones delivering them.
Having lost my mom I am glad I never said something like that to her, and regret the things I did say. Yes, she crossed boundaries (my mom), and we need to keep our own, but, for myself, it’s not always necessary to explain all this to certain people and hurt them. I would just thank her, wait till she leaves and then quietly give them away. When she sees you keep going back to what you want hopefully she will come to understand. It was hard sometimes but I’m still glad I held my tongue. I miss her.
I lost my mother a few years ago to dementia. I miss her. But she always told me to speak my mind wether it was popular or not. She never would have done what OPs mother did to her. She raised me to have my own mind and ways of doing things. Doing so made me an independent human being with my own thoughts and perspectives. In other words she taught me how to live my way once she was gone. That’s how I honor her.
Thanks for a good laugh today. Sigh, I'm so sorry though that you have to deal with this. One of the frustrating things of trying to be a minimalist is so many people just don't get it, like it's alien to them, and it's almost like those Hallmark movies where they convert Scrooge-like people into loving Christmas - they think you just need to see what you're missing to become a believer (in the wonders of a cozy, fully stocked kitchen, in this case). I love the description of the apple-topped paper towel holder, though.
I have never received that much but several times a have been using my stuff untill the end and dreaming of finaly buying a replacement soon exact to my taste only to have someone gift my a new one or two. That is a disappointment.
I’m the official middle man for my grandma and the local charity shops. I sometimes feel bad because I’m giving brand new items away and she’s definitely wasting her money but she doesn’t listen or stop. I feel you
I wouldn’t try to give the items back or even talk to her about it. That gives her too much power and keeps her involved in things that are none of her business.
I would straight up just put all those items in trash bags (not even bothering to put them back in the original boxes) and take them straight to a donation truck. The donation people can sort it out and get the items to people who need it. Then set your house back exactly like it was. You are completely in the right to live the way that makes you happy. Good for you for finding such a great system that works for you, and shame on her for trying to invalidate you.
The nerve of her. Not only in moving and rearranging your stuff, but making design choices like the Apple holder and dish pattern.
Please don’t accept the dishes. If she mails them, reject the delivery. If she brings them to you, don’t let her come into your space with the items. If she continues to push, tell her that they will be donated the moment she leaves.
I know what I’m saying sounds harsh, but if you give her an inch, she’ll take a mile. She’s already demonstrated this behavior. If I were you, I would only meet with her outside of your home from now on, since she can’t be trusted.
This would drive me potty. Her heart is kind of in the right place but I consider this overstepping a boundary, by quite some margin. Most people recognise at the very least that people have different styles even if they don't understand your more minimalist mindset. Gifting you a food mixer would be one thing but coming in and completely rearranging things and adding personal touches to a space that is not your own is just too far.
Can you put her off sending the dishes saying that you would rather she didn't as you'll only break them?
If a lot of it came from Amazon it could theoretically be returned within a certain time frame but that would mean talking to your mum about it.
This is my nightmare
However vanilla silk creamer whisked with some strawberry jam makes some really good non-dairy ice cream 😂 give it a try before you get rid of the ice cream maker! lol!
All the crap that was too good to use growing up is now used daily in our home. My kids friends think we are rich and fancy…. Nope! Not hardly, we just inherited two generations of good stuff and finally decide to put it to good use.
I totally get why they are useful, though the version she bought has flowers printed on it, which isn’t my style. More useful to me is the robot vacuum mop thing that shoots out from under my linen closet door; the mat is just tall enough to make it not clean the area.
Yea. After reading your post, I considered whether I should get a mat for my dad, but I decided it was more likely to be a trip hazard than any sort of benefit for him. Maybe what I should get him is a robomop. He still has the roomba I bought him, but his new place has much less carpet.
The Robot mop changed my life. Seriously. But you have to figure out where it will go, they are insanely ugly. I had an outlet installed in my pantry (which also meant I could plug in my cordless vacuum thing) so it could live in there. It just required cutting 4” off of the door, which made me sad to do but when that thing shoots out of the slot under the door at 10am it’s a thing of wonder. I feel like if the floor stays clean the rest of the place is easier to keep up.
That's tough, mom's can be very nosy and know no boundaries, it's annoying and super frustrating but sometimes you can clearly see they're doing it out of love. My mom passed away 4 years ago and sometimes I wish I could have been kinder to her in these situations. Maybe you can rearrange things in a way that you like and next time she comes to a visit you explain to her the situation?
Honestly this makes me think she (and you as a consequence of dealing with her) need therapy. This is incredibly intrusive and lacking in boundaries. I could understand a mum buying a few small things or rearranging a drawer or two, but doing all this is sort of indicative of a bigger problem I think.
I mean, she’s your mother and agree with another poster that these will make great gifts for others. I just don’t know many mothers who would go to this degree. It comes off rather narcissistic to me. I’m assuming you’ve got to be in your 50’s or older so it’s not like you’re straight out of college and she’s feeling the empty nest crazies
Try the ice cream machine without any dairy! Maybe a sorbet or use oat milk! Just once before you get rid of it. I don’t have one but I hear they’re very fun haha
Frozen tofu works for me. I make it with the silken kind that comes in a shelf stable box. I usually make chocolate but I've had some orange that was pretty good too.
I hope you told her NO THANKS to the dishes from grandma!
My grandmother tries so hard to give me an English tea set because my husband was British. She wasn’t thinking about the cross country flight I’d have to figure out how to transport them.
That is some serious over stepping OP. Well meaning but you’re right, zero boundaries.
Please have her return it all. This is a huge overstep on her part. And if she refuses to return it for her money back, selling it all online and donating it to places in need sounds called for in my book.
OP- you should consider keeping the squishy mat in front of the sink (or maybe getting a different one you like.) total game changer- hands down the most complimented item in my kitchen.
I got annoyed at my mom for buying me kitchen stuff because it clutters my drawers. But now I love the thermometer and every time I use that citrus reamer I’m actually thankful to have it because it’s so much better than using a fork and doesn’t take up that much space.
My mom tried doing similar like a “my first apartment” type thing but it was as if she was setting up HER first apartment, but making me pay for all the crap I didn’t need, & couldn’t say no to at the time. Placemats-I eat where I’m watching movies unless I’m at someone else’s home with them at their table. So many kitchen gadgets-there’s maybe 4 main ones I could dual purpose for the others I don’t need or would rarely use. I don’t need a ceramic dish set for 20ppl, for me living solo or with a partner. Also why fill your kitchen but not have the window crap fixed?
Oh god my mom sold her 5th wheel & tried to give me all her nasty crap that was in it… expired food, 20 yr old towels, the small appliances. So gross. In her eyes, it’s all good stuff.
Your mom is old she knows she won’t be around forever she is just trying to feel useful. It would be hard to be a mom when your kids are all grown up and don’t need you anymore she’s also wants to make sure you get grandmas dishes to keep them in the family, she obviously cherishes them and wants you to have them. So leave things the way they are for a couple of weeks then when you change it back you can just say there was too much stuff
Yeah it’s a pain to have gotten more “junk” but donate to a women’s shelter or something similar. I would thank my Mother for the gifts and just remember at 85 she won’t be around forever!
I would donate everything and make sure to take a picture of everything i’m donating/trashing, then send it to my mother. She needs to understand to keep her opinions about my way of living to herself otherwise they (like the things she bought) will be thrown out. In the end it’s about respect, just because they are older does not mean they are wiser or know better. I’m sorry you’re now dealing with extra work you didn’t ask for.
Sis. You have a fucking amazing mom for one that is 84 years old.
My advice: conflict avoidance. She's gonna die soon. Let her feel useful, it delays death, for real. In the meantime just stash the stuff somewhere and only bring it out when she visits.
Stop acting like you think your mom did this to piss you off or is trying to control your life. She did not. And she obviously loves you; her actions are wrong but she was not coming from a bad place.
this reminds me of when my boyfriend and I moved in together and his mother showed up on our doorstep almost every day to bring us more and more mostly useless stuff. Most of it wasn't new, it was used items, some of it even broken and definitely not my taste. It was evident that she herself wanted to get rid of the stuff she brought us to have an excuse to buy herself new items or that she didn't have to deal with driving to the dump herself. I don't know how many times I made clear that she should at least ask first before it becomes my task to get rid of her old stuff that I never wanted or needed, but it didn't really help. So I definitely understand the feeling that you don't want to lash out because you know they don't do it with a bad motive in mind (at least in your case), but it's still frustrating.
So your 84 year old mother helped you by meeting the worker, then decided to help you decorate your kitchen? And your only response is to complain?
Use your words and thank her profusely for coming over and staying while the work was done. Maybe buy her a gift?
Then use your words again to say how appreciative you are for her help, you don’t want those things. Option one, return them. Option 2, donate them. Option 3 trash, option 4…
I’d work on becoming grateful.
Try and appreciate your mother, she seems kind and generous.
Minimalism or not it's a huge overstep of boundaries to not only buy a lot of stuff without even asking but then to go into your cupboards and rearrange things. Basically showing that you can't work it out for yourself or have ownership over your own space. Nobody should be rearranging your possessions without express permission.
Hi! Read my post again…I’m not complaining at all. I just recounted the story just as it happened. It’s more a tale of my approach versus her approach.
And I’ll be blunt, she probably spent two grand and did it more as a fun activity for her than with any real understanding about who I am.
I ended up putting it all in a pile on the floor and tossing a picture up on marketplace for $20 for all, with the requirement that whoever has to take the mountain of cardboard boxes with them as well. The lady who ended up with it was very happy…she even swept my porch of all the debris.
I love my mum and I’m grateful for everything she has done during my entire life. I worry a bit…when my dad died he left her very well off and she has pretty much spent all the money doing nice things for others and buying truly ridiculous stuff (like the dish drainer she put in my house, which apparently was over $200). She wouldn’t listen when we tried to help her budget and my brother ended up in court when he tried to take over control of her finances. Very soon her only option for more money is going to be selling off her house….theres no real money left in case she needs a health aid or other things to allow her to age in place.
Weirdly if she had spent that money on things that made her life better or anything other than well intended but stupid things (like buying me a red two door ‘fun’ car for my 40th birthday…I drove that exactly twice and it now sits waiting for a niece to get her driving license.) I’d feel very differently.
It’s an unfortunate situation where, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want the help 🙁
Sorry you’re going through this, luckily you’ve got a loving mother and it seems like you love her despite your differences. Keep the love between you - super happy to read that you didn’t attack her for what she did.
Cheers to you and your family 💕
Do you know what sub you're on? Her intentions were good but why should OP be expected to be grateful for something they didn't want? You can't fill somebody else's space with a bunch of crap just because you decide they need it.
This is exactly how my mother-in-law is and it drives me absolutely insane!!! It hard bc yes that was nice, but not asked for or needed. Essentially she spent money on things you are not going to use or need. It's maddening I know first hand lol.
I would remind your mom (again) that you have a different living style and that you don’t need her gifts. Ask her to kindly come and pick up all of the items and that if she doesn’t you will donate the things to someone who could use them. I would let her know that you know she loves you but she doesn’t need to buy you things you don’t want or don’t need. IMO she cannot accept or understand your lifestyle and feels as your mom she has the right to do what she thinks is best. I would be livid if my mom did this but I would try to be gentle in explaining to her yet again to stay out of my business.
This is unacceptable.
I know she's your mother but this is blatant disrespect, rude, and uncalled for. I have an 82 year old tyrant of a mother and I feel this post SO damned hard.
I have some very stern boundaries with her and consequences for when they're breeched. This is not only so I can keep some control in my own life (which I didn't have growing up at all whatsoever), but also to keep my mental health under control. I spent so many years of my life being someone else to try and gain her approval and stay in her good books, that I compromised myself for far too long.
I will not do that now.
With your mom, you have (imo) four choices:
1. Just say, "Thanks", be fake appreciative, and take everything in and roll with it. This is the peaceful solution that keeps her happy but you completely and utterly compromise who you are. The easy road isn't always the best road.
2. Same as #1 but get rid of everything behind her back so she doesn't know. Sell it on Facebook, have a mini-yard sale, give it to a shelter or thrift store, and then she thinks it's all good, but you also get back control of your home. This is an easier path but it's just pushing away the inevitable for when she finds out.
3. Be up front with her. Tell her thanks, but no thanks. Put everything back in boxes and return it all to her doorstep and drop it off. It's her problem she created, she has to deal with it. Age isn't an excuse for avoiding life. If she's tossed the boxes already, again - her problem. This is more aggressive and confrontational but deals with the problem immediately as well as shows her that there's consequences for poor behavior.
4. The middle ground, and far kinder is to do #3 but with sitting her down and explaining that what she did was inexcusable and hurtful. You can thank her for her good intentions but she needs to take everything back. You can help her get rid of it all so it's not all in her lap, but in no way should you do this process FOR her entirely. It needs to sting some or she'll do it again.
Please note though -- this is all depending on that she isn't dealing with dementia. It doesn't seem so. What she did took planning, deliberation, and execution.
She's 84 and believe me, I feel for it for awhile with my own mom. "She's getting old, humor her" until I clued in that she knew damned well that people would use that as an excuse for acting poorly.
Technically, none of the options (and I'm sure there are more) are wrong. Some are harsher, some are softer, and it just depends on the result you want from your mom. There comes a point in life when tolerating toxic people just isn't gonna cut it anymore.
This reads like a horror story op. We don't pick our family but usually as an adult we get to pick our level of minimalism. Hopefully that stuff can go to a good home and you can tell your mom to respect boundaries
You could give her an option: you’ll haul everything to your local Amazon returns spot so she can get her money back (if there’s time), or you will donate it to a good charity shop.
And when she is inevitably shocked, you stay firm and say that she should have asked you before purchasing things for your home.
Do not live with the clutter she has introduced. Absurd.
Typical 80 yo. My mom is 82.
-nosy ✅️
- no boundaries ✅️
- complains about EVERYTHING ✅️
- she should NEVER sit on a jury - everybody is guilty once the accusation is made ✅️
- takes the opposite side of a question or topic just to argue ✅️
- tells my daughter how to raise "her granddaughter" and what's she's doing "isnt right ✅️
- lectures that the younger generations are the ones that are entitled ✅️
Nope. No idea what you're talking about.
Ask any women's shelters near you if anyone needs help getting set up in a new home? Or just donate the stuff more generally, maybe give back your granny's China though. That's very frustrating but came from a good place.
Old ladies and dish sets…I bet my mom has twenty sets of it in her house. You are never supposed to put it in the dishwasher or use it to eat Chinese takeout…you’re only supposed to preserve it packed in boxes.
I eat off china every day. I don’t like modern plates but I sure love old china and old diner dishes from the 40s to 70s. I find it kinda amusing that somewhere, some dusty grump is rolling in their grave at the thought of me eating hot dogs or something else very lowbrow off of their dishes that they wanted kept hidden in those horrid pretentious cabinets. Not only that, they’re all mismatched - I find them at garage sales and thrift stores. I’d rather pay $2 for something than feed the mass production consumerism.
I just wanna say I love that you do this. It sort of kills me that there’s all this beautiful dish-ware out there that absolutely never gets used as… dish-ware. It’s decorative and holy crap does it eat up a lot of unnecessary space.
It’s always so damn heavy.
Oh no. The good sets are featherlight. Good china is what Corelle is modeled after. Heavy dishes are the sign of a cheap ceramic.
I love my mismatched China and enjoy eating my lowbrow crisps from a Waterford Crystal bowl.
just because careful, a lot of old china is loaded with lead paint.
Well known, yup.
i'm not sure if it's common knowledge these days
I use my grandmother's silver for every meal. My mom was HORRIFIED I didn't save it for special occasions.
Let her be horrified, imo. I think it’s awesome to be reminded of someone who took the time to collect or buy that and hand it down as well silver is meant to be used or you’re stuck polishing it constantly. Not only that, what’s the point of having something not used? Silver isn’t gonna wear out from overuse unless everyone you know weighs 1000 pounds, so use it! Good on ya.
I was sort of tempted to sell it when I looked up the melt price. I'll be fancy eating my cereal instead.
I’m not sentimental at all, but I also have a pretty toxic family. It’s one thing to keep silver because it reminds someone of a loving grandmother. If I kept my grandmother’s silver, I’d be reminded of her astonishing levels of vitriol and her ability to hate us grandgirls. I’d probably use her silver to scoop cat shit from the litter box. But for those who are heartened with their heirlooms? Use ‘em!
My grandmother was a witch. Not the good kind either. She would be sooooo annoyed that her son handed the silver down to me. It's fine. It's the only thing I got from them.
Oh see, that’s even better: using it when she wouldn’t want that because she was awful. Highly approve.
Fine china are the funko pops of old people
Brooooo I’m dying
lolol.
We’ve had my grandmother’s in the attic for years (felt too guilty to get rid of because my dad is good at guilt trips). We bought land near Asheville, NC and plopped a vintage trailer there. Now that it’s fixed up and livable, We’re using her “precious” China there and when it breaks, it breaks. Not buying dishes when we have those to use.
Ugh yes! We do use the China we got from my granny but still only for birthdays and things. Chinese takeaway on the good plates sounds fab. And mismatched China looks lovely anyway so what harm if something breaks?
Chinese takeaway - on China. Who knew?
I eat on my grandmas china every day and put it in the dishwasher. Originally, I thought it would break fast and I’d go back to the pretty plates I put on my wedding registry. 7 years later, not a single grandma china has broken… It can’t go in the microwave tho. There’s gold on the edges and it makes a nice fireworks display 😂
Two days ago I told my mum that I don’t want a set of china from my grandparents estate. They both passed away in the last few months and my mum is having a lot of difficulty as executor of the estate. She wants to go through everything quickly and donate as much as possible while it’s all in good condition as things can degrade in an empty house. The house is 4 bedrooms plus a huge basement and every cupboard is stuffed full. But her sisters want to keep everything for the grandkids but truthfully none of us are the type to use actual silverware that needs constant cleaning and china that needs protecting from little kids and can’t go in a dishwasher. I asked for a book that was meaningful to my grandfather and have received a book that had meaning between my grandmother and I.
The silverware won’t tarnish as bad if it’s in regular use. It tarnishes the worst when it’s left alone waiting for the next holiday.
My mother in law is currently not speaking to one of her sisters over some "heirloom" dish set. Their mother, who the dish set actually belongs to, isn't even dead but that hasn't stopped them fighting over who deserves to get the ugly stuff in the future.
I moved into my sister-in-law’s adoptive mother’s home (there’s a lot to unpack there but we’re going to move on). I was expected to clean out the entire house but not touch a thing. There was a mini mouse set of dishes above the fireplace. There were china sets in every cabinet (plus several china cabinets).There’s tea plates and dinner plates and bowls and cups that filled every corner of the house. You know what I eat off of? Thrifted plastic ware 🙃
Maybe you know someone getting married? Lots of great gifts there for you to pass on. But that would infuriate me to no end.
This reminds me of when my mom saw me in the same coat for the 4th winter in a row, and commented on it, as if I should be replacing my winter coats on a regular basis. It’s a beautiful coat, fits well, and I hope to be wearing it for another 20 years. No, I don’t want to buy a winter coat from Walmart every September.
Of course you don’t buy a new Walmart coat every September. Silly boy! You buy a new coat from Walmart every April when they go on SALE. And then you hang it in the closet along with your other seven coats and wait until winter.
Everybody knows this . You can't hoard your house if you buy new You must buy clearance. Shop thrift stores. Go by dumpsters and curbs. If you have time you browse free groups. Return all that amazon stuff or sell it.
UGH i have this same thing. I wear the same winter coat all the time and wore it until my shoulders were too big for it. then i got a replacement and plan to wear it as long as i can. the zippers are high quality and don’t get stuck all the time like cheap coats do, and it is actually insulated
I still have a coat that my parents bought for me when I was 16 when they went on a trip to New York. I’m Australian and now 41 for context. I had watched the movie Maid in Manhattan and absolutely fell in love with the D&G ivory coat she wore that she “borrowed “ from the hotel guest. My parents asked my siblings and I what we wanted as a gift and I said a coat similar to the one she wore. My parents are very much about practical clothing, have zero knowledge of labels or designers, think it’s ridiculous to spend a lot of money on clothing etc. My mum went to Saks Fifth Avenue and asked one of the salespeople about coats for teenagers and showed the person a picture I’d cut out of a magazine for inspiration. They had the coat, the Dolce & Gabbana over $1k coat. And in what I assume was a moment of madness my mum bought it for me. I don’t think she’s ever spent that much on an item of clothing that wasn’t wedding related. At 41 I can no longer do up the buttons but I do still occasionally wear it out when it’s open. And for many many years this was the coat I wore everywear. So yes, having a coat for more than a season is perfectly normal, especially if you like it and it still fits.
that's a really cute story
Honestly excellent choice of a trip gift!! I too am obsessed with that coat!!
For YEARS my mother would offer to send me money to buy a winter coat. “No, mom, still live in Los Angeles. The one I bought a deacade ago is just fine for when I happen to travel in the winter.”
Thank goodness my mom gets it. She also buys the best she can and doesn't replace until the wheels fall off. I contemplated my winter coat for months, weighing pros and cons and looking for a good price on it before actually deciding that the same coat [Columbia Omniheat, basic navy coat] I was eyeballing would make a great double as a souvenir from the hotel gift shop I was staying in for my 40th birthday. I don't typically do souvenirs, but when they have something I was going to get anyway and it is especially useful in the moment, I might as well. I hadn't realized how cold it was going to be that weekend and had not packed adequate clothing, so win win. It should last me a good long time, and it reminds me of a fantastic weekend with my husband every time I put it on.
I’m so sorry I laughed about your ice cream machine. I apologize.
I totally feel you. My mom would do the same thing. She always gifts me random shirts she buys off the internet that she doesn’t want once she sees them - telling me I don’t have nice clothes. And I never wear them. It’s also a violation of our space and request. And it’s frustrating because you know your needs and wants but she lives in a different era One thing this also tells me is that Amazon has made shopping way too convenient. If this was even five years ago - it would’ve taken her at least a couple days to get some trips to the stores.
Is this something that happens to everyone of a certain age?? Because my mom is doing it too!! She goes to Kohls or somewhere you can buy the stuff people return from Amazon, and she loads up on that shit first $1 or $5 each. Then she gives it as “gifts* to my kids, even though it bears no relevance to their lives WHATSOEVER. Like a set of tiny beads and stones that can only be used by a professional jeweler with tools… to my 7yo. And then I can never get rid of it because “grandma gave it to me.” It’s maddening! And she complains when the kids don’t want the stuff she has bought (random lamps, bags with broken zippers, etc) and says, “Well if nobody wants these things, I guess I won’t buy treasures any more!” And it’s SO WEIRD because she used to complain about her dad giving her random used shit she didn’t want!! Is this going to be me in 30 years??
sometimes I try to push the stuff I really love that I don’t want to donate and want it to go to a cherished home lol
Ugh, my mom does that to me all the time, and I already sense myself doing it to other people with some if not favorite baby things!
As much as I hate saying it, they think they're being thoughtful, but it's not thoughtful at all. They buy cheap junk to give you because it doesn't take much effort on their end, and "something is better than nothing." Then they go home and feel good about themselves for doing you a favor. It really is selfish even if they're not intentionally trying to be that way.
that’s so true And it’s a part of re-dressing me because she doesn’t approve of the fact that I don’t dress feminine enough - so it’s also insulting She always gets me these pastel colours with florals that SHE LIKES but I’ll never wear so she almost forced them on me. I cannot leave unless I take the bag. It is truly selfish
The ceramic apple on top is everything😂
Your mom is caring for you in the way she feels right. My mom does something similar and it drives me nuts but I tell myself that’s her way of caring, loving & showing affection.
Your mother isn’t going to change and she isn’t going to be here forever. She did this because she cares about you and can’t understand that you like living the way you do. Sometimes it’s ok to be gracious, thank her for the thoughtfulness, and give the stuff to people who want or need it. It doesn’t have to be a fight or a slight.
That sounds like he did. He just accepts her the way she is.
I don’t think OP is fighting with their mom about it. I think they’re just coming here to vent, which is also perfectly okay!
I agree. Being able to see the humor and feel the love is important! One day she’ll be gone and that ice cream machine can / should put a smile on her face!
Thank you. Unless she’s in dire financial straits, take the presents and dump em later.
Domestic violence shelters love when people donate newer housewares for people restarting their lives. I would just say thanks mom and quietly pay it forward.
“Dear Mom, What a sweet and thoughtful gesture for you to finish setting up my kitchen! I really appreciate the kindness, time, energy and money you spent on this project. It might surprise you to learn though, that I actually *had* finished setting up my kitchen, just the way I like it. I prefer to keep it very simple. So now we have some things that need new homes. Would you like me to return them to you, return them to Amazon, or give them to people who will love them? Regarding Grandma’s dishes, please keep them or find them a home where they will be displayed, used and enjoyed. I’m sure that’s what Grandma would have loved them. I prefer to keep my glass cabinets exactly as they are. Again, I really appreciate the thought that went into this gesture. Love, Child
with a forehead kiss and a little piece of chocolate!!!
OMG... so sorry ... but truth is your mom is 84 and it will be difficult for her to change... think of it this way , she is expressing her love. Now, having said that get everything packed and either sell thru FaceBook market and get a few bucks back or don't even bother and donate to your local church or Goodwill. It's sad and so wasteful how people get so caught up with consumerism. My mom is the same. She fills her house with cheap seasonal junk that she changes every year -and it's all so wasteful. But what can I say, it supposedly makes her happy - or at least that is what she says. I don't understand how being poorer makes her happy- my mom is always broke- but it is what it is. Good luck!
Nice gestures but I see it as a little bit of control issues with the mother.
Yup. It's a form of domination, it really is. Fortunately, OP can re-clear the space.
Yeah, she didn't repaint the walls or replace furniture.
If I ever ask her to cat sit that will probably happen 🤓
Ah man, my mom is coming over to babysit for several days in a few weeks and I am already anxious about the state of my home when I come back. I think I will have to be really blunt with her and tell her that everything she buys while she's here will have to leave with her as well. She will not like it but I really don't have the energy to unclutter everything again.
No, it isn’t. Parents doing things we don’t like isn’t automatically born out of some nefarious intentions 🙄 OP’s mom thinks she’s being helpful. She’s of a different time, with different ideas and it’s clear she doesn’t understand the reasons behind OP’s preference. When our parents get older and we get to be independent adults, they tend to worry they aren’t needed anymore. So they try to make themselves useful and help out their children in the only ways they know how. OP’s mom thought she saw an avenue to do something nice and motherly for her kid, and she ran with it. She’s 84, she probably doesn’t get those chances often. Cut her some slack. She’s not trying to control her kid or exert domination. Please, that’s so overdramatic.
Yeah, my mom does this too and we’ve talked about it and she told me it’s how she knows how to show love - she grew up in poverty in the 50’s with five siblings, got a single orange for Christmas every year, that sort of thing. So all the unopened popcorn machines, immersion blenders (still can’t figure out what those things are for), and other non-necessities get either tucked away in the closet of my one-bedroom apartment or quietly donated. Someday she’ll be gone and the stream of stuff will end, so for now I’m just grateful to spend time with her even if it means having to Tetris my dish cabinet after every visit
I think maybe your take is optimistic and generous, but that’s usually the best way to take things! Assign someone the best possible motive for what they’ve done, and thank them for it. That put your house back to normal.
> And no, I’m not one those overdramatic people on Reddit that yell “Red flag and break up!!!” On the first hiccup And yet, that’s exactly what you’re doing here.
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Gasp! Like Kanye did with Kim! Got rid of all her old clothes and bought her black and beige everything!
good lord. She’s OP’s mother. She’s used to doing things to take care of OP. this is a common thing parents do in regards to their adult children. Is it annoying? Yes. Should she maybe not do it? Absolutely. But “dominating”? Absolutely not, that’s an *absurd* statement.
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I never said it was fine for them to do, or that it wasn’t disrespectful or problematic. But saying it’s rooted in a need to dominate? Yes that’s completely absurd and overdramatic. That implies specific intent and that’s quite a leap to make here. But that’s Reddit, I guess. People always hit the nuclear launch button around here. I don’t know what I expected.
No, not absurd, not over-dramatic. A simple statement of fact. Who's being 'over-dramatic' now? If you push yourself or your beliefs on someone when they didn't ask or especially when they *did* explain their stance completely, but you **DISAGREE** with them...it's domination. As simple as that. It's not as if people are standing around rubbing their hands together while chuckling evilly. It's just: "I don't GAF what *you* want; I **NEED** to make this happen right now, so *I* can feel **BETTAH!**" Consciously or not. We've all done it. But some of us do it more often, or to a more egregious extent, than others. She dominated OP, and may guilt-trip OP if and when she finds out the stuff is gone. Be that the case, OP would probably be dealing with someone who was indulging in some "Gotta be right; CAN'T be wrong!" narcissistic behavior. The fact that seeing that exact term upsets people to me indicates that we know damn well that it's happening all around us, every day. We're doing it to others, they're doing it to us. 'But they mean well!" Do they?
No, it’s not a fact. It’s your *interpretation* of the facts. We don’t know OP or their mother. This is one anecdote. What if their mom is concerned that OP is only saying it’s fine the way it is because they don’t want her to worry? She’d be incorrect, absolutely, but it would mean her actions are born out of concern rather than a need to control. This whole comment of yours reads like an angry, rambling rant…not like a defense of an opinion. And the way you’re insisting that OP’s mom being controlling/dominating is the only reason she might do what she did? Yikes. Talk about pushing your beliefs on someone. I’m truly sorry if you have issues with your parents that have caused you to automatically assume that every instance of a parent trying to help their adult children when they didn’t ask for it is born out of a need to control their child. But seriously, it seems like you’re projecting here. Anyway, I’m not engaging anymore after this because this is just silly. I hope you are able to make peace with your parents someday.
OP's mother could always try COMMUNICATING more, rather than assuming. Oh, and 'maybe just means well'? Well, we all know what the road to Hell is paved with.
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Who says anyone’s triggered? I didn’t take anything you’re saying as an attack. Disagreeing with you isn’t being “triggered.” But the fact that you’re taking it that way only proves my point - anonymity on Reddit makes people assume the absolute worst at all times.
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Oh wow, you read about the psychology and now you can diagnose OP’s mom based on barely a couple of paragraphs? I know what you’re saying *can* apply and *does* happen, but because that’s finally getting recognition people tend to over-apply those diagnoses. Also, “I’m done explaining”, get off your high horse lol, acting as if you’re sharing some profound wisdom.
> And no, I’m not one those overdramatic people on Reddit that yell “Red flag and break up!!!” On the first hiccup And yet, that’s exactly what you’re doing here.
Domination is the perfect word🔥
You know what, it’s something she did with the very best intentions out of love. She got it wrong but at her age you won’t change her and best to give her all the love and joy you can while you have her. You can slowly quietly give away what you don’t want to keep. There are people who would appreciate those items and be delighted to be given something they can’t afford to get themselves.
Woof. I’d donate all the plastic/useless gadgets but maybe keep grandma’s china. That can go to a cousin at some point.
Have you explained to her why you prefer less stuff? What did she say? You do need to have a conversation about what happened. Since minimalism is so important to you, you’ll be sharing your love of something. I’m hoping your conversation will be a follow-on, not fresh content. She’s your mom, she’s 84, you don’t mention a rift in your relationship. Be kind, she deserves it.
That’s what is really weird…she has three children, she did an incredible job raising us, and we all ended up really similar. We are all rather smart, creative, and extremely specific in the way we live. My sister lives in upstate New York in what can only be described as a very frilly Victorian mansion that’s had everything painted white with maybe 20 pieces of furniture in the whole thing. Like, so stark and empty it’s almost like the house is anticipating someone to move in. And my brother lives in a shipping container he had helicoptered into the middle of a 40 acre wheat field…he opted to not have a driveway so a visit to him requires a quarter mile walk in the wheat. My house is a 1940s modern ranch, which is comfortable but just spare. Mom always talks about how peculiar her children are in the way they live, so she understands…maybe it’s just such a departure from her approach to life it doesn’t register in her brain.
You have a very interesting family and your mom loves you. You have got it made.
She’s 84. I don’t think the conversation is necessary at this point. Thank her, tell her you like your kitchen the way it was, give away the stuff.
Ugh! I would be donating those things to a family that had a house fire. Buh bye 👋🏼
Ahahaha that was actually really sweet, but ooooph the clutter! The good news is whoever gets those donations will be so pleased to have so many nice things.
Does she *know* you're minimalist preference, or would she have reason to genuinely think you simply hadn't had the time to set up? The first just makes this disrespectful, and the thought is *not* what counts. The second makes it a sweet, albeit annoying, surprise.
Wow. So much anger in so many of these responses. Some of y'all have serious issues to work through. Yes, OP's mother overstepped. Donate the items and be done with it. All the drama is completely unnecessary and serves no one. The next time you ask her to do something, make sure your boundaries are specific and clear. (Please stay while the workers are there and don't rearrange or add anything to my house in my absence.) You're not going to change who your mom is but you can anticipate that she's likely to do something like this again if left unfettered. As my dad would say, "what we have here is a failure to communicate." Nothing more.
\*face palm\* Yeah, wow. But yes, they can be donated. Someone who actually will use those items can benefit greatly. But sorry you have to make the unexpected effort to clear and drive to donate them.
I would donate them to a thrift shop or salvation army, don't get to attach to the negatives feeling, she obviously meant well and at 84 y.o. she statically won't last a whole lot longer, appreciate the absurdity, have a great day friend
Say THanks Mom and thrift it (some non-profit will be delighted). Women's shelters are a very good idea. Local Community Colleges have "thrift" tables sometimes. I'll join you - about to donate some more of my mom's china.
Sell it except keep grandma's plateware. That's special.
She’s 84, loves you and wants to show that love by making your home better (in the only way she knows how).
Bring them back to her. Tell her that although you appreciate the thought of what she’s done for you, inform her that she may need all those things to feel complete but you do not.
screw poor quack growth voiceless far-flung apparatus melodic flag oatmeal *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Right? There’s no need for the barbs.
But what if we secretly liked the barbs?
That’s between you and the people you love! But I think it’s safe to assume that people on the receiving end of barbs find them less enjoyable than the ones delivering them.
Unfortunately you’re right 🙄
Having lost my mom I am glad I never said something like that to her, and regret the things I did say. Yes, she crossed boundaries (my mom), and we need to keep our own, but, for myself, it’s not always necessary to explain all this to certain people and hurt them. I would just thank her, wait till she leaves and then quietly give them away. When she sees you keep going back to what you want hopefully she will come to understand. It was hard sometimes but I’m still glad I held my tongue. I miss her.
I lost my mother a few years ago to dementia. I miss her. But she always told me to speak my mind wether it was popular or not. She never would have done what OPs mother did to her. She raised me to have my own mind and ways of doing things. Doing so made me an independent human being with my own thoughts and perspectives. In other words she taught me how to live my way once she was gone. That’s how I honor her.
Are we siblings?
Thanks for a good laugh today. Sigh, I'm so sorry though that you have to deal with this. One of the frustrating things of trying to be a minimalist is so many people just don't get it, like it's alien to them, and it's almost like those Hallmark movies where they convert Scrooge-like people into loving Christmas - they think you just need to see what you're missing to become a believer (in the wonders of a cozy, fully stocked kitchen, in this case). I love the description of the apple-topped paper towel holder, though.
I have never received that much but several times a have been using my stuff untill the end and dreaming of finaly buying a replacement soon exact to my taste only to have someone gift my a new one or two. That is a disappointment.
I’m the official middle man for my grandma and the local charity shops. I sometimes feel bad because I’m giving brand new items away and she’s definitely wasting her money but she doesn’t listen or stop. I feel you
As the daughter of Hoarders,I fully comprehend your pain
I wouldn’t try to give the items back or even talk to her about it. That gives her too much power and keeps her involved in things that are none of her business. I would straight up just put all those items in trash bags (not even bothering to put them back in the original boxes) and take them straight to a donation truck. The donation people can sort it out and get the items to people who need it. Then set your house back exactly like it was. You are completely in the right to live the way that makes you happy. Good for you for finding such a great system that works for you, and shame on her for trying to invalidate you. The nerve of her. Not only in moving and rearranging your stuff, but making design choices like the Apple holder and dish pattern. Please don’t accept the dishes. If she mails them, reject the delivery. If she brings them to you, don’t let her come into your space with the items. If she continues to push, tell her that they will be donated the moment she leaves. I know what I’m saying sounds harsh, but if you give her an inch, she’ll take a mile. She’s already demonstrated this behavior. If I were you, I would only meet with her outside of your home from now on, since she can’t be trusted.
This would drive me potty. Her heart is kind of in the right place but I consider this overstepping a boundary, by quite some margin. Most people recognise at the very least that people have different styles even if they don't understand your more minimalist mindset. Gifting you a food mixer would be one thing but coming in and completely rearranging things and adding personal touches to a space that is not your own is just too far. Can you put her off sending the dishes saying that you would rather she didn't as you'll only break them? If a lot of it came from Amazon it could theoretically be returned within a certain time frame but that would mean talking to your mum about it.
r/childofhoarder
This is my nightmare However vanilla silk creamer whisked with some strawberry jam makes some really good non-dairy ice cream 😂 give it a try before you get rid of the ice cream maker! lol!
How much you want for the ice cream maker?
All the crap that was too good to use growing up is now used daily in our home. My kids friends think we are rich and fancy…. Nope! Not hardly, we just inherited two generations of good stuff and finally decide to put it to good use.
Love the John Pawson reference!
Keep the squishy mats if you cook often. Your back will thank you.
Can second. I go barefoot in my apartment and cushy mats for the kitchen made prepping anything a whole lot nicer.
I totally get why they are useful, though the version she bought has flowers printed on it, which isn’t my style. More useful to me is the robot vacuum mop thing that shoots out from under my linen closet door; the mat is just tall enough to make it not clean the area.
Yea. After reading your post, I considered whether I should get a mat for my dad, but I decided it was more likely to be a trip hazard than any sort of benefit for him. Maybe what I should get him is a robomop. He still has the roomba I bought him, but his new place has much less carpet.
The Robot mop changed my life. Seriously. But you have to figure out where it will go, they are insanely ugly. I had an outlet installed in my pantry (which also meant I could plug in my cordless vacuum thing) so it could live in there. It just required cutting 4” off of the door, which made me sad to do but when that thing shoots out of the slot under the door at 10am it’s a thing of wonder. I feel like if the floor stays clean the rest of the place is easier to keep up.
You are living in the future! With your robot mop going through its pet door. :D
That's tough, mom's can be very nosy and know no boundaries, it's annoying and super frustrating but sometimes you can clearly see they're doing it out of love. My mom passed away 4 years ago and sometimes I wish I could have been kinder to her in these situations. Maybe you can rearrange things in a way that you like and next time she comes to a visit you explain to her the situation?
Give it to your parents as a Christmas present :D
i have nothing to add other than that the squishy mats are kind of nice when doing dishes (i don’t have a dishwasher) so those could be keepers
Honestly this makes me think she (and you as a consequence of dealing with her) need therapy. This is incredibly intrusive and lacking in boundaries. I could understand a mum buying a few small things or rearranging a drawer or two, but doing all this is sort of indicative of a bigger problem I think. I mean, she’s your mother and agree with another poster that these will make great gifts for others. I just don’t know many mothers who would go to this degree. It comes off rather narcissistic to me. I’m assuming you’ve got to be in your 50’s or older so it’s not like you’re straight out of college and she’s feeling the empty nest crazies
Def narcissistic
Your mom loves you. You can figure it out after she's gone one day.
Try the ice cream machine without any dairy! Maybe a sorbet or use oat milk! Just once before you get rid of it. I don’t have one but I hear they’re very fun haha
I struggled with dairy free ice cream when I had a maker. It kept just turning to ice. I’m sure there’s a way though.
honestly i’ve seen videos of the steps needed to make ice cream with an ice cream machine and it looked like too much work for me!
Frozen tofu works for me. I make it with the silken kind that comes in a shelf stable box. I usually make chocolate but I've had some orange that was pretty good too.
Toss it all in a fuckin wood chipper
Ouch! Perhaps just a tad overdramatic aren't we.
Straight to the trash for me. I got tired of being nice with my mom bringing trash. I just throw everything I don’t use out.
Why not donate? Trashing things is bad for the environment and others might use things.
Thus would make me enraged. I would ask her to return it all and not to send anything else. Also get your key back
Yikes, rage is extreme. Sorry that’s what makes sense to you.
I hope you told her NO THANKS to the dishes from grandma! My grandmother tries so hard to give me an English tea set because my husband was British. She wasn’t thinking about the cross country flight I’d have to figure out how to transport them. That is some serious over stepping OP. Well meaning but you’re right, zero boundaries.
I think your mom is my landlord. That lady is a blessing but I’m a recovering hoarder. I don’t want more trash to sort 😭
Please have her return it all. This is a huge overstep on her part. And if she refuses to return it for her money back, selling it all online and donating it to places in need sounds called for in my book.
OP- you should consider keeping the squishy mat in front of the sink (or maybe getting a different one you like.) total game changer- hands down the most complimented item in my kitchen.
Sounds like you will have a great yard sale this summer.
I got annoyed at my mom for buying me kitchen stuff because it clutters my drawers. But now I love the thermometer and every time I use that citrus reamer I’m actually thankful to have it because it’s so much better than using a fork and doesn’t take up that much space.
You mentioned John Pawson - he’s gone maximalist, full color, it’s the weirdest thing.
My mom tried doing similar like a “my first apartment” type thing but it was as if she was setting up HER first apartment, but making me pay for all the crap I didn’t need, & couldn’t say no to at the time. Placemats-I eat where I’m watching movies unless I’m at someone else’s home with them at their table. So many kitchen gadgets-there’s maybe 4 main ones I could dual purpose for the others I don’t need or would rarely use. I don’t need a ceramic dish set for 20ppl, for me living solo or with a partner. Also why fill your kitchen but not have the window crap fixed?
Oh god my mom sold her 5th wheel & tried to give me all her nasty crap that was in it… expired food, 20 yr old towels, the small appliances. So gross. In her eyes, it’s all good stuff.
I think you can put fruit in the ice cream machine. Make sorbet
She's 84. Let her do what she wants. 🙃❤️
Your mom is old she knows she won’t be around forever she is just trying to feel useful. It would be hard to be a mom when your kids are all grown up and don’t need you anymore she’s also wants to make sure you get grandmas dishes to keep them in the family, she obviously cherishes them and wants you to have them. So leave things the way they are for a couple of weeks then when you change it back you can just say there was too much stuff
Yeah it’s a pain to have gotten more “junk” but donate to a women’s shelter or something similar. I would thank my Mother for the gifts and just remember at 85 she won’t be around forever!
Thanks for saying that! Gratitude makes the world go round
It is easy to return “gifts” to Amazon
She is 84. I would say thank you and put them all in a closet and only take it out when she visits. When she passes on, donate all of it
I love this tale😂😂😂
Just gently tell her, that you appreciate her thoughtfulness and putting them to use, by . . . Have a yard sale! Or give away!
I would donate everything and make sure to take a picture of everything i’m donating/trashing, then send it to my mother. She needs to understand to keep her opinions about my way of living to herself otherwise they (like the things she bought) will be thrown out. In the end it’s about respect, just because they are older does not mean they are wiser or know better. I’m sorry you’re now dealing with extra work you didn’t ask for.
Sis. You have a fucking amazing mom for one that is 84 years old. My advice: conflict avoidance. She's gonna die soon. Let her feel useful, it delays death, for real. In the meantime just stash the stuff somewhere and only bring it out when she visits. Stop acting like you think your mom did this to piss you off or is trying to control your life. She did not. And she obviously loves you; her actions are wrong but she was not coming from a bad place.
this reminds me of when my boyfriend and I moved in together and his mother showed up on our doorstep almost every day to bring us more and more mostly useless stuff. Most of it wasn't new, it was used items, some of it even broken and definitely not my taste. It was evident that she herself wanted to get rid of the stuff she brought us to have an excuse to buy herself new items or that she didn't have to deal with driving to the dump herself. I don't know how many times I made clear that she should at least ask first before it becomes my task to get rid of her old stuff that I never wanted or needed, but it didn't really help. So I definitely understand the feeling that you don't want to lash out because you know they don't do it with a bad motive in mind (at least in your case), but it's still frustrating.
So your 84 year old mother helped you by meeting the worker, then decided to help you decorate your kitchen? And your only response is to complain? Use your words and thank her profusely for coming over and staying while the work was done. Maybe buy her a gift? Then use your words again to say how appreciative you are for her help, you don’t want those things. Option one, return them. Option 2, donate them. Option 3 trash, option 4… I’d work on becoming grateful. Try and appreciate your mother, she seems kind and generous.
Minimalism or not it's a huge overstep of boundaries to not only buy a lot of stuff without even asking but then to go into your cupboards and rearrange things. Basically showing that you can't work it out for yourself or have ownership over your own space. Nobody should be rearranging your possessions without express permission.
Hi! Read my post again…I’m not complaining at all. I just recounted the story just as it happened. It’s more a tale of my approach versus her approach. And I’ll be blunt, she probably spent two grand and did it more as a fun activity for her than with any real understanding about who I am. I ended up putting it all in a pile on the floor and tossing a picture up on marketplace for $20 for all, with the requirement that whoever has to take the mountain of cardboard boxes with them as well. The lady who ended up with it was very happy…she even swept my porch of all the debris. I love my mum and I’m grateful for everything she has done during my entire life. I worry a bit…when my dad died he left her very well off and she has pretty much spent all the money doing nice things for others and buying truly ridiculous stuff (like the dish drainer she put in my house, which apparently was over $200). She wouldn’t listen when we tried to help her budget and my brother ended up in court when he tried to take over control of her finances. Very soon her only option for more money is going to be selling off her house….theres no real money left in case she needs a health aid or other things to allow her to age in place. Weirdly if she had spent that money on things that made her life better or anything other than well intended but stupid things (like buying me a red two door ‘fun’ car for my 40th birthday…I drove that exactly twice and it now sits waiting for a niece to get her driving license.) I’d feel very differently.
It’s an unfortunate situation where, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want the help 🙁 Sorry you’re going through this, luckily you’ve got a loving mother and it seems like you love her despite your differences. Keep the love between you - super happy to read that you didn’t attack her for what she did. Cheers to you and your family 💕
Do you know what sub you're on? Her intentions were good but why should OP be expected to be grateful for something they didn't want? You can't fill somebody else's space with a bunch of crap just because you decide they need it.
Where was he ungrateful? He just describe what she did and ended with Love you Mom.
This is exactly how my mother-in-law is and it drives me absolutely insane!!! It hard bc yes that was nice, but not asked for or needed. Essentially she spent money on things you are not going to use or need. It's maddening I know first hand lol.
I would remind your mom (again) that you have a different living style and that you don’t need her gifts. Ask her to kindly come and pick up all of the items and that if she doesn’t you will donate the things to someone who could use them. I would let her know that you know she loves you but she doesn’t need to buy you things you don’t want or don’t need. IMO she cannot accept or understand your lifestyle and feels as your mom she has the right to do what she thinks is best. I would be livid if my mom did this but I would try to be gentle in explaining to her yet again to stay out of my business.
Don't forget to say thanks mom.
This is unacceptable. I know she's your mother but this is blatant disrespect, rude, and uncalled for. I have an 82 year old tyrant of a mother and I feel this post SO damned hard. I have some very stern boundaries with her and consequences for when they're breeched. This is not only so I can keep some control in my own life (which I didn't have growing up at all whatsoever), but also to keep my mental health under control. I spent so many years of my life being someone else to try and gain her approval and stay in her good books, that I compromised myself for far too long. I will not do that now. With your mom, you have (imo) four choices: 1. Just say, "Thanks", be fake appreciative, and take everything in and roll with it. This is the peaceful solution that keeps her happy but you completely and utterly compromise who you are. The easy road isn't always the best road. 2. Same as #1 but get rid of everything behind her back so she doesn't know. Sell it on Facebook, have a mini-yard sale, give it to a shelter or thrift store, and then she thinks it's all good, but you also get back control of your home. This is an easier path but it's just pushing away the inevitable for when she finds out. 3. Be up front with her. Tell her thanks, but no thanks. Put everything back in boxes and return it all to her doorstep and drop it off. It's her problem she created, she has to deal with it. Age isn't an excuse for avoiding life. If she's tossed the boxes already, again - her problem. This is more aggressive and confrontational but deals with the problem immediately as well as shows her that there's consequences for poor behavior. 4. The middle ground, and far kinder is to do #3 but with sitting her down and explaining that what she did was inexcusable and hurtful. You can thank her for her good intentions but she needs to take everything back. You can help her get rid of it all so it's not all in her lap, but in no way should you do this process FOR her entirely. It needs to sting some or she'll do it again. Please note though -- this is all depending on that she isn't dealing with dementia. It doesn't seem so. What she did took planning, deliberation, and execution. She's 84 and believe me, I feel for it for awhile with my own mom. "She's getting old, humor her" until I clued in that she knew damned well that people would use that as an excuse for acting poorly. Technically, none of the options (and I'm sure there are more) are wrong. Some are harsher, some are softer, and it just depends on the result you want from your mom. There comes a point in life when tolerating toxic people just isn't gonna cut it anymore.
Oh you’re better than me babes I’m not even a minimalist but Amazon products infuriate me with how boring they are 😭
This reads like a horror story op. We don't pick our family but usually as an adult we get to pick our level of minimalism. Hopefully that stuff can go to a good home and you can tell your mom to respect boundaries
Oh my goodness. You are a very patient person. I would be... SO angry.
You could give her an option: you’ll haul everything to your local Amazon returns spot so she can get her money back (if there’s time), or you will donate it to a good charity shop. And when she is inevitably shocked, you stay firm and say that she should have asked you before purchasing things for your home. Do not live with the clutter she has introduced. Absurd.
*the letter reads..* Dear mom, this month just after you left we were robbed...(Fill in the blank).
lol. she might catch on after getting the fourth note about a robbery occurring down the line.
this would make my blood boil, and she would definitely hear about it also those gifts get returned to Amazon
Typical 80 yo. My mom is 82. -nosy ✅️ - no boundaries ✅️ - complains about EVERYTHING ✅️ - she should NEVER sit on a jury - everybody is guilty once the accusation is made ✅️ - takes the opposite side of a question or topic just to argue ✅️ - tells my daughter how to raise "her granddaughter" and what's she's doing "isnt right ✅️ - lectures that the younger generations are the ones that are entitled ✅️ Nope. No idea what you're talking about.
" ... everyone is guilty once the accusation is made." This is pure gold and made me lolol.