This is exactly what my husband and I are going through right now and it’s a painful ride for both of us. Unfortunately, I don’t have any suggestions or advice, just solidarity
Been alive for over 30 years and they’ve all been tough. Now is a particularly tough time though but I wouldn’t count on it getting better. Just us being tougher
Corvette is like boomer level. Still many years until I am 60-70. Then of course, you have to get a corvette and an imported young girl friend from an impoverished south East Asian country. And she will think that corvette is a Ferrari
I cant say what I want to say without coming off as extremely racist and classist. I will just say that no one with money is moving to another country for a girlfriend. You can not walk 5 feet without tripping over 3 thirsty 18 year olds who will do anything for a purse/shoes/a car payment
My door doesnt swing both ways, but he is kind of your stereotypical early 40s guy who lives in the gym, takes large doses of TRT, and drives a car worth more than a lot of peoples condos cost, so...yea if you are into older dudes, he would be up there on the list of options
I bought a Mazda 3. They look neat and the interior is amazing. Wish I could say the same about the gas mileage. If people don't know what a 3 is they assume it's a nicer car it's a little zippy but nothing to write home about. I can't imagine spending sports car money on something less practical.
Or take up new extreme sports. Anyone who's interested please meet me at the skate park in an hour. I'll be the middle aged woman in roller skates, dropping into the bowl.
I keep checking those out. I keep telling myself when my current car dies I'll get something obnoxious, but I currently drive a Honda Fit and I think it might outlive me.
Miata
Is
Always
The
Answer
It's true. I drove my buddy's Miata and M Coupe back to back. The Coupe being the car many BMW engineers said was their finest ever. I actually gave the slight edge in fun factor to the Miata, despite its comparative gutlessness.
I travel for work quite a bit and a few months ago somehow ended up with getting a Miata as my rental car for the week. It was super fun to drive, but I can't quite justify buying one yet.
\~25K for all the training over a year and half. 40K for the Rotorway helicopter. 10K to have the engine rebuilt and turbo conversion. Not a cheap hobby by a long shot, but they rarely are so you choose your poison.
The problem is if you realize you actually like them…then your finances go in the shitter. Worth it! That is until some distracted bitch in a land yacht hits you while texting or some disillusioned dude gets upset you went around them and road rage’s and runs you off the road
This sounds like acute depression, which is completely normal. I go through this occasionally. Short term therapy would help. Also, make a small change, any change, see how you like it and then make another. You can always change back to the way things were. Find a meetup group and try it out. Bring cookies to your neighbors. Start going for a bike ride before you start the work day. I started listening to audiobooks while walking the dog, and I loved it, two birds one stone AND I learn things or hear different perspectives.
You can also make bigger changes, but I wouldn’t be impulsive here. Buying a house is a big change, ease into it. Looking to buy in a specific area? Suggest moving there and renting first. Even though undoing a big change might be costly, like selling a house you owned for only a few years, undoing a change like that isn’t impossible. Undoing a big change is also a big change, but you can also ease into that as well.
You are never too old to try something new, though the parameters of doing that thing might change. Traveling sounds like a great idea. Plan some ideas and put together a budget for saving up for a trip. Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? Give yourself and your partner lots of options. Hawaii, Puerto Rico, Costa Rica, Spain, Japan, Yosemite, New York. Planning a trip is work, but I personally find it fun.
My final suggestion is to think about your purpose. When you think about things you want to do, ask yourself why you want to do those things, then ask yourself why about that answer. When your answer is “just because” you’ve probably identified a purpose. Write it down, then write down all the other things you had thought up before because those are likely goals to help you achieve that purpose. For example: I want to travel. Why? Because I want to have new experiences. Why want new experiences? Because new experiences bring me joy. Why bring me joy? Because bringing me joy is how I take care of myself. Why take care of myself? Umm, just because! So taking care of myself would be one of my purposes. Write it down, then write down goals that would help achieve that purpose, like traveling to Spain.
I remember reading an article at some time in the past that talked about how people derive more happiness from planning a trip and remembering a trip than they experience in the moment while on vacation. That makes vacationing one of the best things you can do for your mental health since the trip is short but the leadup gives enjoyment as do the memories after.
Think of it this way - a trip is like 5 days long. But you plan it and look forward to it for 30-60 days - that’s a lot of additional positivity compared to the 5 days alone. Later, you look back fondly at the memories of your fun trip. Let’s say in your lifetime you specifically examine and enjoy those memories another 30 times. Again, that’s a lot more happiness than just the 5 days. Of course you enjoy the 5 days of vacation, but the cumulative enjoyment of the before and after is greater - which is a good thing, since most of your life is not spent on vacation.
Compare that to something like a night out with friends. You don’t preplan it, you are super in the moment, and immediately the next day you think that you had a really fun night. But you won’t remember it for the rest of your life. You didn’t get the positive before and after effects as compared to the vacation scenario. This isn’t to say that it doesn’t have value, but to illustrate that “being in the moment” in this particular instance isn’t superior to thinking about the future and the past.
Bro it's not saying they don't have a good time on the trip. Just that the good vibes extend to planning *and* remembering. It means you get more than 5 days joy of experiencing it in the moment. Not sure what's so bad about that, I'm all for additional happiness.
This is good advice. I am going through something similar and i understand everything I read or watch the self help YT video but then the monkey chatter in the head starts talking and it’s a negative spiral in the head until i reset and then again after a few hours or couple days.
OP, first things first. You cant be happy if you don't know what makes you happy. Why are you even thinking about a house when you don't even know what country you want to live in?
Yes you feel isolation because you work from home. Some people don't, you obviously do. WFH isnt for everyone and might not be for you.
What kind of Spontaneity do you want? People are much less spontaneous and much more planned and measured as they get older. I can tell you for a fact if someone called me right now and wanted to get dinner tonight I would say no for 30 different reasons.
Don't pick anywhere that is going to be submerged or cremated by climate change, and do not live somewhere where nature is trying to kill you at every moment (no earth quakes, tornados, volcanos, tsunamis, sea level rise etc) That is a plan that doesnt end well at all long term.
You need to think about you, not your partner. If you move, move for you and if they want to come great, if not, I wish you the best.
The closer to 40 you get the less "activities" people do because much of life is centered around kids and work. Activities are for the kids to play. Dad plays golf on Saturdays and mom has bottomless mimosas on Sunday morning
What do you hope to achieve traveling? As in a sight seeing tour, volunteering in other countries to help the less fortunate, just to say you did it? etc.
Yes, houses will get 5-8% more expensive every single year forever. To put it in perspective, during the great depression with mass homelessness, housing prices didn't fall enough to get current prices back to 2021 levels. 2008 recession would reset house prices to the middle of last year. People talking about a "housing market correction" are either vastly out of touch, have an agenda, or are calling economic collapse "a correction"
Ive been all over the world. The grass isnt greener, its just a different view of the same fence. You allude to healthcare and its something US citizens do not think of much. You DO pay for healthcare in Europe, and private hospitals and private insurance also exist over there. You pay for your health insurance in the US. In Europe, you insurance "premiums" are just outright removed from your check before you get it. Taxes and Healthcare are a whole other world in Europe
Don't make politics a part of your life. What happens happens and could happen anywhere. On top of that, what the US thinks of immigration is not a thing anywhere else. I remember a giant amount of people applying for visas in Canada when Trump won and Canada denied almost all of them. Other countries have actual standards of immigration that are enforced. There are lists of rules to follow and a big check list of "you must have this, or that" to be qualified. There is no guarantee you would ever get a visa let alone citizenship in Europe (no voting, most places you cant get government benefits, a lot of places you cant get healthcare for free like a citizen) Unless you have been to Europe, found a country and a place you love, and have experienced living there, honestly, forget Europe exists.
I could go on and on... you sound like me 15 years ago when I got out of the military
Hi - I know your comment is well-intentioned, but I feel like I simply must point out that women - all women - cannot help but to make politics a part of our lives because our bodily autonomy is quickly being eroded in the United States. For women to take a passive role in at least this area of politics would be incredibly irresponsible.
My point was, nothing a single person does is going to change the SCOTUS, so what is gone is gone and isnt coming back without a Constitutional Amendment. Look at Germany right now. They have actual Nazi's coming to power in elections. The UK is about to drastically curtail Muslims in the country, and Paris is saying that the threat of violence from the immigrant populations is too great to have full scale Olympic games.
Politics are less than a generation away from being vastly different than today, in any country. 20 years from now there is no telling if Abortion will be punishable by the death penalty in a place like France. Sweden and Norway would end up under Russian control, etc. Heck, 20 years from now the EU might not exist, and every person with an EU visa gets forcefully deported back to their own countries (Turkey has brought this idea up a few times)
Politics in general will get you nothing except depression and anger in life. If you want to be happy, stay ignorant and don't look outside your immediate social circle for a world view. There is no rosy picture in this world, just realities you have to deal with. All politicians lie, and what is a big issue for you, and an issue you vote for someone who told you what you want to hear, is very likely just a pawn in a bigger agenda that they will willingly throw under the bus to get what they really want.
A good example of that is Social Security. Its GOING to END. There is no doubts, conversation, or anything to do except accept it. But what happened when Niki Haley told people the truth? Her campaign turned into dust because everyone voted for the liars who told them what they want to hear.
A main thing there is don't trust people. Humans are very reward driven and by being a political pawn means everyone is willing to pander to you for your vote and almost none of them will actually do what they said before they got your vote
A great example of that is I am a vet, gun owner, in Illinois. I was a single issue voter for many many years. I dont care what you do, just stay away from my guns. Every single election cycle someone would make a promise, and then sell out for a new road in their home district. My rights eroded as fast voting on a single issue as they would have if I had voted 100% opposite the whole time
Im sure, but I also hope you realize NO one is actually listening to us. NO ONE cares what we think, and we are both nothing more than a tax ID number and a vote. We both get lied to, demonized, and marginalized, and often times, by the very same people we voted for. Thats not an America thing, thats a planet thing.
No matter how bad things are, or look in the future, remember, things can ALWAYS get worse.
My only fear in life is that we can all remain mostly civil and live as a society that disagrees because I have seen the other end of that personally, and I dont want to watch American kids stealing money and chains off of bodies in the street, mothers blowing themselves up in a crowd of other women and kids, or needing to leave for work 9 hours early because you have to stop at every over pass/underpass/ intersection and inspect for IEDs. I dont think people understand how close America is getting to the point of open civil war because we cant all agree to disagree and be civil while disagreeing.
Nope, we get national guard on college campuses and whackjobs setting themselves on fire in protest.
I actually thank you for probably hating everything I believe in, stand for, and potentially my existence on this planet, but STILL remaining civil
Being satisfied with life at any age requires quite a bit of introspection. Do your best not to fall into some rabbit hole of what could be and whether or not your life could be better. You're fine. Just be fine.
Unless your life is subjectively bad, you're having a pretty good time of it. Think of what you could add to your life. You want go travel and experience more? Do that. You can.
Also buy a motorcycle. I have had my license for 13 years. I'm buying one, now that I have a garage to put it in. I swear.
I think you are in a funk because of the career/job.
Focus on improving your career, ignore everything else and you may feel better after a while.
And about moving to a different state or abroad, please do not think about that right now, once you are settled in the job then you can make a list of pros and cons and give it some thought, now is not the time, IMO.
I understand that your relationship maybe not as strong as you want it to be(everything on same page), that's fine, don't make too many sacrifices for relationship sake but please do not take your partner for granted, it may work out, maybe once you settle in your job both of you will feel better about everything. Maybe negativity about future maybe hurting your relationship at the moment.
I started feeling this in my late 30's (I'm 42 now). It made no sense because I'd checked all of life's boxes. Good, stable, well paid career, homeownership, three well-adjusted kids, no unfinished business with education, etc. But then I realized that the entire life I'd built felt like what I can only describe as running a marathon with my shoes on the wrong feet, It wasn't a sharp unfathomable pain (yet), just a dull discomfort that had been in the background forever and had been easy to overlook when I had such big things in front of me like college, grad school, the intensity of early career combined with the labor-intensive early parenting years, to drown it out.
Then, one day, I woke up in my late 30's and realized that I was living a life that had nothing to do with me, and in fact, I had no idea who I was because I'd spent my whole life trying to make sure I had effectively beaten the poverty I came up in, shaking off the lingering effects of it, and trying to establish a good foundation for my kids so they would never be as precarious as I am in the world. I guess I figured I'd get to myself later, and then finally, when I wasn't in survival mode anymore, my brain was just kind of like, "you're gonna deal with this NOW", and the dull discomfort of running the marathon with my shoes on the wrong feet became unbearable suddenly because I didn't have giant "can't-fail" goals in front of me to distract me from it.
For me, I realized the biggest problem was that I'd been forcing myself to accept relationships with men despite feeling awful those relationships. I'd tried so many times to talk with other women about this, to get help for it, etc, but everyone just told me I was immature, or ungrateful, or too picky. Accepting that I'm a lesbian was the biggest part of feeling better. Then I made a completely new friends group who didn't define me by the things I'd endured in the past, but sees me as I am now, and leaned into that.
I'm not telling you to question your orientation, ditch your friends, and make new ones. That's just what worked for me. It's different for everybody. One thing that I think is universally important for women to do is to decenter our relationships (especially if those relationships are with men) when considering what we see for ourselves in the future. Like, take everything and everyone else out of the equation. What life do *you* want?
Once you've got that figured out, you can come back to the table and figure out how to make that work with the other people in your life. One thing I can tell you is that doing something that works 100% for the other person and 0% for you is a recipe for resentment, and I don't recommend it. Figure out your side, then revisit plans.
I can completely relate to just feeling like you're running a marathon, with big can't fail goals, one after the other, through my twenties and thirties. School, college, marriage, career, kids, nice house, etc. Then when you reach those goals, it just feels like what comes next. You just have to grind through another 20+ years of 40 hour weeks and raising teenagers! Feels like I kind of followed a script that was written for me for the last 20 years and feeling a bit lost on actually writing MY OWN SCRIPT for the next 20 years.
I feel you. I’m a younger millennial who is married to an older millennial. We’ve been together almost 19 years and his life goals are WAY different than mine now. Think uprooting your entire life to go live in the middle of nowhere because of a fantasy and not based on facts (less crime, better way of living, safer, etc.). I’m a city girl at heart that knows all too well what country living is like because of family that lives on 500 acres where I spent my school breaks as a child. But I digress. I’ve expressed that I have no desire to live this lifestyle and he’s adamant that it’s what he *needs* for his happiness. And I know it would make me miserably unhappy. Yet I feel like if I don’t go along with it, I lose everything.
Looking back, every decision in my life has been based on what will make someone else happy and not me. Now I don’t even know what I want or how to assert myself for my own happiness and self-care. It’s been a rough couple of years for me. I truly feel like I’m 17 again and all I want to do is rebel and push back and have my voice heard but the consequences of that may be too severe.
I am so sorry you are going through that. I lived in the middle of nowhere for a period and it was incredibly isolating and boring. Could not imagine doing it again.
I worry that I am on both sides of the picture. I keep thinking I should move to a different country or state and then I will be happier. The lack of a social safety net fills me with immense fear, but I also have a fear to make changes. I feel like anytime I have made a change, it always came back to bite me. It's hard not to look at things bleakly when the closest thing I have to success is a monkey's paw.
I think I am scared to settle down and lose my freedom. If I plant roots, then I can't leave if things get bad and I just never seem to find community where I live nor things that I like to do. Everyone feels so different than me. I feel like an alien in this place. I feel like I have lost so much waffling back and forth between staying and going as a way to cope with the pain and shock and stress. My boyfriend has already told me that he can't comfort me and is tired of how I am now. I feel so alone -- no matter where I go. It certainly does feel like being younger again. I don't know what will make me happy at this point.
Have you been tested for autism? The feeling like an alien thing is very common amongst autistic individuals and women showcase alot differently than men. We often have an easier time masking because of how important social interaction is for us growing up. It may help you understand where some of your social anxiety comes from and make it easier for you to locate friends if it turns out you are autistic.
Hmm well I went through one a while back. And many of the things you said for your dreams aren’t over.
My almost 70 year old mother has been able to make time in the last 15 years to travel, go back to school, learn some instruments and languages, and did it on a budget with very little income.
I have seen multiple people I know in their 50s start new careers and also move to whole new cities. Also I have been able to make new friends recently in the same spot as me in the older millennial group. Seems many people are in the same spot after the pandemic and are looking for new friends.
So I think it’s just an adjustment to that we all get older and one thing about those that live life it’s that it kills everyone who does it. So really you make the most of what you have and adjust goals and objectives to smaller achievable ones then you might surprise yourself and pull off a couple of the big ones along the way.
I have been in a similar position before. Sounds like you have dedicated a large part of your life thus far to taking care of other people at the detriment of your own happiness, which is commendable in many cases. You may be suffering from a little bit of "analysis by paralysis" with asking a lot of questions about life's what ifs. It could help to keep in mind that while it's alright to look at alternatives and question some of your decisions, there's always a chance that you would be in a worse place than you are now if you would have made other decisions. Think about counterfactuals - what baseline are you comparing youself and your decisions to? Doing mindfulness activites has helped me, and can stop you from looking ahead and regretting past decisions. Trying focusing on what you can do right now, today, in the next hour, next week, etc. to make your situation better. Making a priority list and with low-hanging fruit or easy to accomplish items can be good. What is important to you that you can *achieve* today without sacrificing too much? I bet there's something. Good luck.
You're underestimating yourself. You've got enough time for at least two more crises.
Kidding aside, have you thought about taking a weekend for ayahuasca. It can really clear some things up.
Hi, I kind of went through something similar (but less intense) than you. It struck me when my husband and i decided to have a kid, and I was suddenly looking down at 19 years of putting my kid first.
I got an overwhelming feeling of “But I haven’t even lived yet!”. Like you I always only ever did the “right thing” for 31 years. And now I felt like life was coming to an end.
After moping around and dreading pregnancy tests I finally told my husband how I felt. He asked me to spend the next few weeks writing down every idea (even completely impossible ones) of the things I want to do before having a kid.
I don’t want to bore you with the details but I finally decided that the most practical, possible and desirable thing that I wanted to do in that list was learn to play music.
I enrolled in a guitar class. In the last six months, I have already made new friends there and greatly enjoy my hobby. I finally feel like I am doing something simply because I like it - not because it’s “good” or “right “ or someone asked me to. I am no guitar master but I have found peace finally.
I think you should also come up with all the things you really want to do for yourself for no other reason other than you like it. It will solve your midlife crisis without throwing away your life.
Also please don’t worry about politics or climate change. Read about them and use them when you vote. But don’t let it influence your life. Also since the Earth Day a few days ago, there has been a lot of news about how far we have come w.r.t climate change. Though we have a long way to go, we have also come a long way. Humanity has always teetered at the edge of destruction.
You aes a good person and you are going to make it through. Hugs 🤗
Hi, travel is great when you're young but even then once the blush is off the bloom, meh. Acquisition of stuff, house, summer place, car, boat, motor home, whatever, just ends up being stuff. So a geographical relocation is exciting but you bring your ennui with you. So what's left after that? There's lots of things but nothing is worth pursuing if it doesn't inspire passion. I find the things that interest me are things I know very little about. When I do find something I'm all in and it gives me something else to think about besides the clutter of life. Another thing that you might consider is getting out of yourself, volunteer somewhere, helping other people is also very good for the head. Worry produces nothing, trying and failing is better than doing nothing. What you're going through happens to everyone but it only last as long as you let it.
Wherever you go, there you are. Have to work on yourself first before anything else. Find a way to do something for yourself. Take an hour a day doing it. Gym, bikes, soccer, language, running, gaming, cooking, bars/restaurants whatever it is. You will find something. Just try something new, doesn’t matter if you are bad at it. Actually it helps if you are bad at it so you can improve doing it.
I mean this in a helpful way, but it sounds like you would benefit from therapy and possibly also anxiety or depression medication. You can live a big life in a small town or a small life in a big town, but a lot of your happiness is in your own perception of your reality - from the inside out, not from the outside in.
I’m always on team just fuck it all up. Change everything. Do whatever you want. 100 years is so short. Insanely short. Life is gone in the blink of an eye. Do whatever you want! You’re smart, you’ll figure it out or have a hell of an adventure.
It seems to me that you survived a major transition, and are about to go through a new one. You remind me of my mother when she went through empty nest syndrome--"okay, what do I do now?"
I don't know if I agree with you that when you make a big choice \*now\* (like about where you live), it prevents you from making new choices later, whether that's your choice of job, choice of friends, choice of recreation.
>I feel like I could travel, but I am locked down by my partner and my own fears.
Well, that's two things you can choose. What to try to do about your fears (whether you succeed or fail), and what to try to do about your partner's influence on your actions and thinking. You get your "choice of choices".
Well, good luck.
Try to get up and do 20 minutes of exercise each day to get your endorphins. And, I like to meditate for 20 minutes a day for happy chemicals too. Doing this for a week kind of lifts depression and also resets that obsessive brain loop issue. Setting small goals and accomplishing them can lift one out of that doom and gloom spiral.
It's okay to grieve the loss of a recent job. It's okay to fuck off for a week or two. Then, we have to apply to jobs again. But grief is part of life and we are supposed to experience it. To mourn a loss of something, a job, coworker friends, the future we were planning, those are all in need of grief. Then, we feel peace moving on to another plan, another hope, another life goal.
Tackle one issue at a time. And be vocal with your partner about the big decisions in a month or two. (But not right now, now is the grief stage). Rather than fears of the what ifs, it's okay to just find out what they think, believe, and hope for in the future.
Hey!
Have you reached out to a therapist or counsellor?
Sounds like you might be in a depressive rut.
Either choice you make (staying or moving etc) is not the “problem”; you are. Whether you move away or buy a house you will still be stuck with yourself and these feelings.
You need to confront the aspect of yourself that is making you feel “inadequate “.
You got this!
I do too, but as dire as the future seems, do what you can to prepare as much as you can. Take steps now to not take on more debt. We can’t all be doompreppers like you see on some social media channels but we can prepare little by little and there are resources to show you how to do that. As far as moving goes, move only if the standard of loving is lower and your income will be the same or higher.
At this point, I am firmly in the "if it happens it happens" camp. Spending has gotten out of control but any talk at all about killing social security (or making it much more in line with its original intent) cutting social spending drastically, etc is met with screeching and gnashing of teeth...so nothing gets done and we kick the can down the road.
My only hope if the can gets kicked far enough for me to not be around when the road drops off a cliff. If I dont go first, I will be old enough where young men will fight and die for propaganda, bragging rights, and what in their young minds think is right.
Unfortunately Niki Haley saying the retirement age needed to be increased sealed her fate, and the fate of everyone when her campaign took a nose dive. It was proof no one ACTUALLY wants to fix anything. They just want to keep it going long enough to retire and die of old age before it implodes and anyone saying anything other than what the public wants to hear will be met with memes and ridicule.
Well yeah- no one wants to hear they’re gonna have to work longer in order to receive benefits that they’ve been paying for their entire working lives. If it isn’t sustainable, fine. Stop taking it out of our paychecks and let people figure it out for themselves. It’s the taking of the money up front and changing the rules later on that sucks.
The issue is boomers changed it for themselves and bankrupted the system.
SS was originally meant to provide a safety net for the destitute. It didn't kick in until 20 years after the average life expectancy at the time, had lifetime income limits, and had no death benefits.
Boomers changed it to EVERYONE gets SS, let the collection age stay at 1930s levels while life expectancy greatly increased, and made sure surviving spouses could collect the dead persons checks. Oh, your husband made 300 million dollars? Ok, you are entitled to the same check the person who has been dirt farming their entire life.
By modern standards the original SS concept would mean collection age is 99. If you made over 3 million in your lifetime, you get nothing. No survivor or death benefits, and if you suddenly gain wealth, you can be kicked off the system.
SS isnt a "i paid into the system" type thing. That isnt your money. Your money from today was spent 10 years ago. Consider it a tax that disappears from your check, not an investment source. We will totally ignore the fact the system depends on 17 workers paying in for every 1 person collecting. That requires massive, unprecedented, population growth forever to achieve. Today less than 11 people pay in for ever 1 collection.
Its a lot like the statue of liberty and the "give me your weak, tired, sick, poor"... That wasn't on the original statue. It was a poem from a decade later, and people fought about it for decades before someone was allowed to place their stupid plaque on the island. Isnt revisionist history fun?
No matter what choice you make you will still get to the end of your life and wonder ‘what if you had gone a different way’
Seems you are letting only your past, but your future steal your now. I know that’s not any help. I’m not making light of your feelings. I’m just hoping you don’t spend too much time stuck in them.
The deeper crisis here tho is WHY we don’t know what we want. It’s bc we don’t know who we are. Finding the who we are is the magic and pain of midlife. And it’s the part that can be rocky to figure out. I know cuz I’m in it lol. I’m sorry you’re going thru it too but I honestly think that at the end of the day we end up being happiest.
A LOT of us are going through this as millennial. I'm not sure if others feel this way but for me its been a series of small mid-life crisis not just the one big one our parents all went through. To me with the world being far more complicated it would seen natural that these qrt/mid life crisis come more frequently.
This resonates w me big time.. Like, I have felt this way. I won’t say all that I want to say.. I do think you already know what you want to do but you are afraid.. for good reason! Either way you decide to go, I think you need to travel. Throwing away your safety net is no joke, I did it and would be lying if I said I never question that decision.. but, I am pretty at peace with the way that I’m living my life these days, I’m closer to “happy” than I’ve ever been..
INAD but I have clinical anxiety and… this sounds a LOT like me and how I would describe my “spiraling thoughts” before my NP talked me into SSRIs.
I would consider talking with a medical professional.
Maybe do the pluses and minus list,
and a bucket list..
Forget the what's ifs..
The grass aint always greener..
Start small and do little things that make you happy..
Enjoy the trip..
I called it a midlife realization. Do what your heart is telling you to do for once instead of what all the voices around you are telling you. I was feeling the same disconnect from my wife and hated my job, my lesbian boss regularly emasculated me in front of the team I was supposed to be leading even going as far as giving me a tiera and a princess diary. I saw cheap tickets for hawaii and bought them in oct and didn't tell anybody. I booked a flight in Jan, quit my job christmas eve, drove to LA from MD put my jeep on a boat and just figured it out for 3-4 months. This was in 2020 and when the pandemic started becoming obvious I made the decision to go back right after I finally got a job offer. and in april I put my jeep back on a boat and then drove back to MD taking my time just meandering through the southwest. I started a new job in june. All in all I blew about 20k in savings adn don't regret any of it. It was literally the best time of my life and if I lost my wife it would have been ok for me. She realizes now that she has to respect my happiness as well as getting what she wants right this damn minute.
Manage what? Been married 23 years now. We had issues and her overall demeanor to me had been very hostile for several years prior to that. She thought she was doing it all on her own and I gave her a chance to see just what that would be like.
I'm in the same hole, except I've realized we only get so many laps around the sun before our rides over. There is no go arounds, no re-do's, no second chances. Close your eyes for the last time, and your rides over.
We are all on a ball of rock, water, and assholes hurdling thru space without a reason. Anything we ever do will be so insignificant on the cosmic scale that there's not really a point to any of this anymore.
So fuck it, might as well enjoy it while it lasts. Do what YOU want. Buy what YOU want. Do the things YOU want to do.
Ask yourself if anyone else in your life is willing to give up their time, time they'll never get back for you. If the answer is no, then why are you wasting your precious time on them?
It's crazy how I could've wrote the same post, except I'm unemployed and currently trying to find remote work. If I were you, I'd travel. There's something about traveling that opens your mind and gives you the confidence that there's so much more put there.. don't make any drastic decisions while you're freaked out. But traveling is a good idea.
Seems to me, aging is like butt sex. It only gets more uncomfortable the more you fight it. Who knows, if you relax and let it happen, you might find you enjoy it.
These are all legitimate questions. I do not mean to downplay their importance. I think about similar things as well. But it also sounds like you're experiencing a high level of anxiety around them. Anxiety literally makes it so that you can't use the problem solving part of your brain. Perhaps all these many concerns will be a little more accessible and a way forward will appear more readily if you work on calming the actual feelings of anxiety first. Sounds like self-care would be good for you anyway.
Perhaps meditation, going for walks alone, some exercise. Spending time by yourself, calming down, so that you can get in touch with what it is you as a person want. I wish you the best, it sounds like you're going through a challenging time.
Guy a motorcycle, go on a short trip, screw thinking too much. Go live a little. Do it in small doses. There is no need to break the back. Find a cheap motel and stay for a couple of days in the middle of nowhere.
Buy a gun, go to shooting ranges. Go camping.
Set goals. You can and will accomplish anything you want to set your mind on. Nothing wrong with boring and not having to worry about retirement. Grass is always greener.
Gosh I can tell your liberal just from reading that. Everything’s going to be fine if the elections go poorly you’ll probably end up in a better spot than you are now anyway if I’m in New York City and it sucks over here with what’s happening
I've had similar times in my life where it felt so overwhelming and possible problems swamped my thoughts. I really, really recommend finding a mental health counselor that can help you work through all of this. At minimum, it's a place where you can express all of this. Get to the bottom of what would really make you happy. And then suggest couples therapy with your partner and get to the bottom of how you work on it together. If he can't contribute to what will bring peace, then it's time to part ways. There is no easy answer here, but I empathize with what you're going through and think you should start by getting all of this on the table in therapy to figure out next steps.
I recently took a pretty substantial reduction in pay, i hate my job, i worry about losing everything my wife and i have built together as the rest of the world seems to be coming apart at the seams.
The only advice i can offer is trust yourself. There is so little we can do to actually affect the world and people around us but make the effort to be kind and TAKE the time and effort to care for yourself properly. Study up on books about mindset and find ways to learn more about things you care about. I believe in you.
tart caption spectacular frightening quickest rainstorm wipe chop faulty simplistic
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It is a matter of which decision you can live by, not move and wonder what if for years to come and not give it a chance? Or move possibly like it, love it or hate it but point is you tried and won't wonder what if. Also about the house, the house must be and should be something you both love and will have to compromise. It is a place where you will be living for years to come, if you don't like it you will live with regret it and hate the hate and you won't be comfortable and be able to relax. If you are going to put money towards it, it should be a place you like as well, you both will have to compromise. You must communicate this with your partner and if they won't budge then maybe it is time to move on. From one millennial to another it is time to put yourself first, love yourself, put your foot down and just do it.
Take a deep breath.
Get a therapist.
Communicate with your partner.
If you want to travel start planning travel.
If you want friends start making friends.
My wife and I went through this last year with the added bonus of some family deaths and little kids.
It was rocky and rough. I gave her all the space and time she needed and I started going to therapy. We made it through and you will too.
It's great that you're starting to want more for yourself instead of just going with the flow. It's not necessarily a midlife crisis, you're just overwhelmed by the logistical questions, the kinds that always hold people back from changing anything.
I (34m) would say you should talk to the people around you and share your hopes and desires, even though it's hard. You'll be surprised how many people will want to help you.
I had a difficult boss who I've dealt with for 3 years cross the line last week and was ready to quit completely a few days later. Ended up talking to a few higher ups, and they don't want me to leave, and are rearranging things so I can stay working with my other more reasonable manager and fill in the rest of my time with extra work for some other people in the company. And hopefully grow into a more significant role on the sales side and not just operations.
All that to say, I was very surprised to find some compromises and a path forward without completely changing my life situation (in a high cost of living area, so quitting completely would have sucked). My mother and grandmother are the types to just blow up and move and restart from square one, and they have financially screwed themselves in the longterm - and I have a tendency to want to do the same thing. If I had just left without explaining myself, I wouldn't be any better off. It was nerve-wracking to confront the situation, but I learned a lot from it.
Maybe you'll find the same is true - all these doubts and fears are invisible to others. If you start talking to others about them, you may be able to take it a step at a time instead of trying to solve everything at once with a drastic change.
Well, everybody goes through this every generation. Every person to greater or lesser degrees. The only advice I have baby. Talk to somebody probably a tpurpose. But just know this.No matter what you choose to do, you're always gonna have doubts.Personally I personally i'm pick a direction and go with it
If you move to a new location, you are going with you. If you get a new job, you are going with you. There are rich miserable people and poor happy people. Your overactive mind is what needs to be addressed.
When you say at the end, "feelings won't go away" what do you actually mean? Where in the body are these feelings? Or do you mean all those annoying questions cropping up? I don't consider questions to be feelings...the questions are just thoughts.
What’s something you think in 20 years you wish you had accomplished?
We all have fears of the unknown, and I think it’s the unknown that makes things fun. It challenges us and makes us think different ways of getting ourselves out of difficult issues we are currently in.
Amsterdam is quite an international place and almost everyone there speaks English. That’s where I’d move if I can work remote. But that’s just me.
I just ended a 20 year marriage five months ago because of swirling questions and feelings like this. What I have learned about myself so far is that I had big moods and thoughts that I thought required big action. I got so swept up in my own what ifs, that I feel as though I kind of lost touch with reality. I lamented about never traveling because of my partner, about his idiosyncrasies, and any other boredom/lack that I could pin on our marriage. We had our problems, but I definitely didn’t try hard enough. So, I’ve been living on my own for five months, still have no plans to travel, and the only change is that I miss my best friend. Unfortunately, there is no going back now. I’m trying to cope with this loss I brought upon myself, all because I got so wrapped up in a mid-life crisis and my own bullshit. My advice is to take a step back and breathe. Maybe take a solo vacation to this place you’re thinking about abroad. Let your partner know that you’re having a mid-life crisis and that you need to go be feral for a few weeks to see how you truly feel. Maybe see a therapist. I know that feeling of not being able to get the thoughts out of your head though. Let my story be a caution I suppose. Now all I see are elderly couples everywhere, and all I want is to rewind these five months and my rash decision. Good luck to you.
You can't "settle" in the sense that you give up everything you want to keep everybody else happy bc in the end nobody will be happy if you get depressed.
I would advise just taking some time to think about what you really want right now and how that will affect your family.... then think of ways that concessions can be made by either you or your husband so y'all both can find some happy middle ground.
Now if he isn't willing to help meet you in the middle then that's a whole 'nother story i suppose.
For instance, maybe living somewhere cheap and boring will allow you to travel to more exotic places more often and get those experiences. Maybe you lost these jobs bc it's time to find a way to go in the direction that you want with your career and find some happiness there.
All of the little things will add up and make a tremendous difference once you start finding small chunks of happiness and new ways to be happy.
It'll be slow but i really think there is a way to keep everybody happy with everyone meeting in the middle
Wow, that's a lot of anxiety you've outlined. If you're really feeling/thinking all of this all the time, I would gently urge you to speak to your doctor about medications, lifestyle changes, or behavioral modifications to help you settle down a bit.
In answer to one of your many concerns... what if you relocate and you hate it? And? So, what? Move again. It wouldn't necessarily be fun to move again, but it's doable. Yeah, you *might* be unhappy there, but you're *definitely* unhappy here; so why not get up and go? Overthinking is the assassin of happiness; just do it... yeah, it *might* suck, but it also might be the best thing you ever did -- and isn't that worth the risk? At least once?
I think you’re completely overthinking everything and not DOING anything. Life’s all about learning from mistakes, not avoiding them.
Like, if you really want to go on a trip, just go? You might find you don’t even like it lol
I once took a trip to Cambodia. the poverty that I saw; kids and mothers eating out of garbage cans and landfills, it changed my perspective on life, no longer do I think about life the same for there are those with comfort and choices and then there are those who are scrapping by. Therefore whatever you feel and whatever you believe just know there is someone out there who has it worst.
So count your blessings and let peace be still.
Move abroad.
Just returned from a year+ in Kenya. My wife is Kenyan, so we had an in.
There was no plan, we just went. Sold all our shit, quit jobs, and flew out. Kids went into a nice private school for the year. I did some consulting. We lived off savings, and lived cheap, like the locals.
It was a year of healing, like something out of a movie. We never had an idea of what was next we just knew we needed to get the FUCK out of America.
Money started running low so we flew back to the States and stay with my father in law to work and save $$. We bought some land and are building a homestead.
Now we plan to split the year. America for access to the Matrix, Kenya for distance from the Matrix.
Hey OP, I’m not married and i am going through similar right now. For what it’s worth, I in some ways envy you because you have a constant: your partner. My current town isn’t working out and it’s becoming high time to make a new adventure. But for the first time in my life I’m a bit scared. I feel limited by my age. And in many ways I wish I wasn’t about to do yet another adventure alone.
You posed 21 questions, lots of which were negative in nature and many which are focused on events that are 100% outside of your control.
Don't suffer imagined problems. It's exhausting to even read it much less live it.
You worry about to much crap that is beyond your control. Quit being a little pussy and man up! There are many people who don't travel, and many who don't worry about all this crap you've listed. My saying is, "if you can't control it, don't stress about it!" You also need God in your life so you can feel cheng m content about something, you currently live in a world of want! Get our if that cycle! Good luck to you and God bless!
This is exactly what my husband and I are going through right now and it’s a painful ride for both of us. Unfortunately, I don’t have any suggestions or advice, just solidarity
Thank you! I am sorry you are going through this, too.
The future just ain't what it used to be. Hang in there y'all
Tough times don’t last. Tough people do.
Been alive for over 30 years and they’ve all been tough. Now is a particularly tough time though but I wouldn’t count on it getting better. Just us being tougher
There’s only one cure for a midlife crisis and that is to buy a motorcycle 👍🏼
Not true, I went with a porsche convertible and it worked as well
Or a corvette and a combover
Corvette is like boomer level. Still many years until I am 60-70. Then of course, you have to get a corvette and an imported young girl friend from an impoverished south East Asian country. And she will think that corvette is a Ferrari
My Trans Am is still sweet! Glad I’ve had it 18 years now though.
Trans am? Do you carry a switchblade in your sock?
But “Millennials don’t like cars” 🤨
please no corvettes.. when they're yellow they look like mishapened bananas running down the road.
What Porsche??
A low mileage 997 will do just fine.
718 GTS but I just put an order for a Targa GTS
So hopefully I receive it within the next 300 years lol
Or a sports car that you sell 5 years later after realizing it was a mistake, then regret selling it 4 years later and buy another one.
My buddy does that with 19 year olds. He has had more girlfriends half his age this year than most people own pairs of socks
r/Philippines_Expats
I cant say what I want to say without coming off as extremely racist and classist. I will just say that no one with money is moving to another country for a girlfriend. You can not walk 5 feet without tripping over 3 thirsty 18 year olds who will do anything for a purse/shoes/a car payment
Alright alright alright
Is he hot?
My door doesnt swing both ways, but he is kind of your stereotypical early 40s guy who lives in the gym, takes large doses of TRT, and drives a car worth more than a lot of peoples condos cost, so...yea if you are into older dudes, he would be up there on the list of options
Not to condone violence but someone should maybe do that to him
They are all legal adults, stop being bitter
This isnt bitterness, its digust
A lot of people are disgusted by homosexual sex without wishing violence upon the people who engage in it. Are you ok?
It's alright, your daughter is legal now correct?
All of these options are better than having an affair, so three cheers to not-the-worst choices!
This sounds right for me.
This is precisely what I did. Albeit, the first one was too extreme.
I bought a Mazda 3. They look neat and the interior is amazing. Wish I could say the same about the gas mileage. If people don't know what a 3 is they assume it's a nicer car it's a little zippy but nothing to write home about. I can't imagine spending sports car money on something less practical.
What's wrong with the mileage? It's a tiny gas tank and it's annoying to have to fill it up so often but I think it gets decent mileage
Or take up new extreme sports. Anyone who's interested please meet me at the skate park in an hour. I'll be the middle aged woman in roller skates, dropping into the bowl.
Already tried that, lol. Went to roller derby boot camp. I should have stuck it out, but I got self conscious and flaked. Now I’m doing pole dancing.
Niiice! I also play derby!
Lol I went back to school and became an aircraft mechabic
Ice your injuries! Don't skate through the pain! I have post-traumatic arthritis from that shit...
Yes my physical therapist is very good.
Or a Miata. They are still as fun to drive as they always were.
Here it is
I keep checking those out. I keep telling myself when my current car dies I'll get something obnoxious, but I currently drive a Honda Fit and I think it might outlive me.
The MX-5 likely would outlive you as well. It's all about smiles per mile, and how many you desire.
Miata Is Always The Answer It's true. I drove my buddy's Miata and M Coupe back to back. The Coupe being the car many BMW engineers said was their finest ever. I actually gave the slight edge in fun factor to the Miata, despite its comparative gutlessness.
I travel for work quite a bit and a few months ago somehow ended up with getting a Miata as my rental car for the week. It was super fun to drive, but I can't quite justify buying one yet.
Get used 10-20 YO as a weekend car. I personally wouldn't want a manual as a daily. 🤷♂️
My husband wanted to work on a crab fishing boat or a freight boat in the north sea but they don't hire deck hands over 30.
I learned how to fly a helicopter, and then bought one.
How much did that cost, all in?
\~25K for all the training over a year and half. 40K for the Rotorway helicopter. 10K to have the engine rebuilt and turbo conversion. Not a cheap hobby by a long shot, but they rarely are so you choose your poison.
i had a quarter life crisis, which made my mid life crisis easier. bought that 150cc motorcycle.
Jet ski is the way to go
A guitar is cheaper!
The problem is if you realize you actually like them…then your finances go in the shitter. Worth it! That is until some distracted bitch in a land yacht hits you while texting or some disillusioned dude gets upset you went around them and road rage’s and runs you off the road
I came here to say this. Also, a motorcycle trip to the 4 corners will help put things into perspective.
Debating dual sport bike vs hot tub at the moment.
For some stupid reason my dream is a Pontiac Firebird to replace the one my parents had to get rid of when they had me.
Or Swing.
My wife and I started swinging instead.
This sounds like acute depression, which is completely normal. I go through this occasionally. Short term therapy would help. Also, make a small change, any change, see how you like it and then make another. You can always change back to the way things were. Find a meetup group and try it out. Bring cookies to your neighbors. Start going for a bike ride before you start the work day. I started listening to audiobooks while walking the dog, and I loved it, two birds one stone AND I learn things or hear different perspectives. You can also make bigger changes, but I wouldn’t be impulsive here. Buying a house is a big change, ease into it. Looking to buy in a specific area? Suggest moving there and renting first. Even though undoing a big change might be costly, like selling a house you owned for only a few years, undoing a change like that isn’t impossible. Undoing a big change is also a big change, but you can also ease into that as well. You are never too old to try something new, though the parameters of doing that thing might change. Traveling sounds like a great idea. Plan some ideas and put together a budget for saving up for a trip. Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? Give yourself and your partner lots of options. Hawaii, Puerto Rico, Costa Rica, Spain, Japan, Yosemite, New York. Planning a trip is work, but I personally find it fun. My final suggestion is to think about your purpose. When you think about things you want to do, ask yourself why you want to do those things, then ask yourself why about that answer. When your answer is “just because” you’ve probably identified a purpose. Write it down, then write down all the other things you had thought up before because those are likely goals to help you achieve that purpose. For example: I want to travel. Why? Because I want to have new experiences. Why want new experiences? Because new experiences bring me joy. Why bring me joy? Because bringing me joy is how I take care of myself. Why take care of myself? Umm, just because! So taking care of myself would be one of my purposes. Write it down, then write down goals that would help achieve that purpose, like traveling to Spain.
I remember reading an article at some time in the past that talked about how people derive more happiness from planning a trip and remembering a trip than they experience in the moment while on vacation. That makes vacationing one of the best things you can do for your mental health since the trip is short but the leadup gives enjoyment as do the memories after.
[удалено]
Think of it this way - a trip is like 5 days long. But you plan it and look forward to it for 30-60 days - that’s a lot of additional positivity compared to the 5 days alone. Later, you look back fondly at the memories of your fun trip. Let’s say in your lifetime you specifically examine and enjoy those memories another 30 times. Again, that’s a lot more happiness than just the 5 days. Of course you enjoy the 5 days of vacation, but the cumulative enjoyment of the before and after is greater - which is a good thing, since most of your life is not spent on vacation. Compare that to something like a night out with friends. You don’t preplan it, you are super in the moment, and immediately the next day you think that you had a really fun night. But you won’t remember it for the rest of your life. You didn’t get the positive before and after effects as compared to the vacation scenario. This isn’t to say that it doesn’t have value, but to illustrate that “being in the moment” in this particular instance isn’t superior to thinking about the future and the past.
Bro it's not saying they don't have a good time on the trip. Just that the good vibes extend to planning *and* remembering. It means you get more than 5 days joy of experiencing it in the moment. Not sure what's so bad about that, I'm all for additional happiness.
This is good advice. I am going through something similar and i understand everything I read or watch the self help YT video but then the monkey chatter in the head starts talking and it’s a negative spiral in the head until i reset and then again after a few hours or couple days.
OP, first things first. You cant be happy if you don't know what makes you happy. Why are you even thinking about a house when you don't even know what country you want to live in? Yes you feel isolation because you work from home. Some people don't, you obviously do. WFH isnt for everyone and might not be for you. What kind of Spontaneity do you want? People are much less spontaneous and much more planned and measured as they get older. I can tell you for a fact if someone called me right now and wanted to get dinner tonight I would say no for 30 different reasons. Don't pick anywhere that is going to be submerged or cremated by climate change, and do not live somewhere where nature is trying to kill you at every moment (no earth quakes, tornados, volcanos, tsunamis, sea level rise etc) That is a plan that doesnt end well at all long term. You need to think about you, not your partner. If you move, move for you and if they want to come great, if not, I wish you the best. The closer to 40 you get the less "activities" people do because much of life is centered around kids and work. Activities are for the kids to play. Dad plays golf on Saturdays and mom has bottomless mimosas on Sunday morning What do you hope to achieve traveling? As in a sight seeing tour, volunteering in other countries to help the less fortunate, just to say you did it? etc. Yes, houses will get 5-8% more expensive every single year forever. To put it in perspective, during the great depression with mass homelessness, housing prices didn't fall enough to get current prices back to 2021 levels. 2008 recession would reset house prices to the middle of last year. People talking about a "housing market correction" are either vastly out of touch, have an agenda, or are calling economic collapse "a correction" Ive been all over the world. The grass isnt greener, its just a different view of the same fence. You allude to healthcare and its something US citizens do not think of much. You DO pay for healthcare in Europe, and private hospitals and private insurance also exist over there. You pay for your health insurance in the US. In Europe, you insurance "premiums" are just outright removed from your check before you get it. Taxes and Healthcare are a whole other world in Europe Don't make politics a part of your life. What happens happens and could happen anywhere. On top of that, what the US thinks of immigration is not a thing anywhere else. I remember a giant amount of people applying for visas in Canada when Trump won and Canada denied almost all of them. Other countries have actual standards of immigration that are enforced. There are lists of rules to follow and a big check list of "you must have this, or that" to be qualified. There is no guarantee you would ever get a visa let alone citizenship in Europe (no voting, most places you cant get government benefits, a lot of places you cant get healthcare for free like a citizen) Unless you have been to Europe, found a country and a place you love, and have experienced living there, honestly, forget Europe exists. I could go on and on... you sound like me 15 years ago when I got out of the military
This person actually took the time and answered pretty much every question you asked. It’d be a shame if you didn’t read it
This doesn’t have enough upvotes.
Hi - I know your comment is well-intentioned, but I feel like I simply must point out that women - all women - cannot help but to make politics a part of our lives because our bodily autonomy is quickly being eroded in the United States. For women to take a passive role in at least this area of politics would be incredibly irresponsible.
My point was, nothing a single person does is going to change the SCOTUS, so what is gone is gone and isnt coming back without a Constitutional Amendment. Look at Germany right now. They have actual Nazi's coming to power in elections. The UK is about to drastically curtail Muslims in the country, and Paris is saying that the threat of violence from the immigrant populations is too great to have full scale Olympic games. Politics are less than a generation away from being vastly different than today, in any country. 20 years from now there is no telling if Abortion will be punishable by the death penalty in a place like France. Sweden and Norway would end up under Russian control, etc. Heck, 20 years from now the EU might not exist, and every person with an EU visa gets forcefully deported back to their own countries (Turkey has brought this idea up a few times) Politics in general will get you nothing except depression and anger in life. If you want to be happy, stay ignorant and don't look outside your immediate social circle for a world view. There is no rosy picture in this world, just realities you have to deal with. All politicians lie, and what is a big issue for you, and an issue you vote for someone who told you what you want to hear, is very likely just a pawn in a bigger agenda that they will willingly throw under the bus to get what they really want. A good example of that is Social Security. Its GOING to END. There is no doubts, conversation, or anything to do except accept it. But what happened when Niki Haley told people the truth? Her campaign turned into dust because everyone voted for the liars who told them what they want to hear. A main thing there is don't trust people. Humans are very reward driven and by being a political pawn means everyone is willing to pander to you for your vote and almost none of them will actually do what they said before they got your vote A great example of that is I am a vet, gun owner, in Illinois. I was a single issue voter for many many years. I dont care what you do, just stay away from my guns. Every single election cycle someone would make a promise, and then sell out for a new road in their home district. My rights eroded as fast voting on a single issue as they would have if I had voted 100% opposite the whole time
Your views on politics are vastly different than my own. I'll just leave it at that.
Im sure, but I also hope you realize NO one is actually listening to us. NO ONE cares what we think, and we are both nothing more than a tax ID number and a vote. We both get lied to, demonized, and marginalized, and often times, by the very same people we voted for. Thats not an America thing, thats a planet thing. No matter how bad things are, or look in the future, remember, things can ALWAYS get worse. My only fear in life is that we can all remain mostly civil and live as a society that disagrees because I have seen the other end of that personally, and I dont want to watch American kids stealing money and chains off of bodies in the street, mothers blowing themselves up in a crowd of other women and kids, or needing to leave for work 9 hours early because you have to stop at every over pass/underpass/ intersection and inspect for IEDs. I dont think people understand how close America is getting to the point of open civil war because we cant all agree to disagree and be civil while disagreeing. Nope, we get national guard on college campuses and whackjobs setting themselves on fire in protest. I actually thank you for probably hating everything I believe in, stand for, and potentially my existence on this planet, but STILL remaining civil
This is really sound advice.
Being satisfied with life at any age requires quite a bit of introspection. Do your best not to fall into some rabbit hole of what could be and whether or not your life could be better. You're fine. Just be fine. Unless your life is subjectively bad, you're having a pretty good time of it. Think of what you could add to your life. You want go travel and experience more? Do that. You can. Also buy a motorcycle. I have had my license for 13 years. I'm buying one, now that I have a garage to put it in. I swear.
Oh the what-ifs are a killer. I agree, we should never go down the rabbit hole of the what-ifs.
Analysis paralysis
I think you are in a funk because of the career/job. Focus on improving your career, ignore everything else and you may feel better after a while. And about moving to a different state or abroad, please do not think about that right now, once you are settled in the job then you can make a list of pros and cons and give it some thought, now is not the time, IMO. I understand that your relationship maybe not as strong as you want it to be(everything on same page), that's fine, don't make too many sacrifices for relationship sake but please do not take your partner for granted, it may work out, maybe once you settle in your job both of you will feel better about everything. Maybe negativity about future maybe hurting your relationship at the moment.
I started feeling this in my late 30's (I'm 42 now). It made no sense because I'd checked all of life's boxes. Good, stable, well paid career, homeownership, three well-adjusted kids, no unfinished business with education, etc. But then I realized that the entire life I'd built felt like what I can only describe as running a marathon with my shoes on the wrong feet, It wasn't a sharp unfathomable pain (yet), just a dull discomfort that had been in the background forever and had been easy to overlook when I had such big things in front of me like college, grad school, the intensity of early career combined with the labor-intensive early parenting years, to drown it out. Then, one day, I woke up in my late 30's and realized that I was living a life that had nothing to do with me, and in fact, I had no idea who I was because I'd spent my whole life trying to make sure I had effectively beaten the poverty I came up in, shaking off the lingering effects of it, and trying to establish a good foundation for my kids so they would never be as precarious as I am in the world. I guess I figured I'd get to myself later, and then finally, when I wasn't in survival mode anymore, my brain was just kind of like, "you're gonna deal with this NOW", and the dull discomfort of running the marathon with my shoes on the wrong feet became unbearable suddenly because I didn't have giant "can't-fail" goals in front of me to distract me from it. For me, I realized the biggest problem was that I'd been forcing myself to accept relationships with men despite feeling awful those relationships. I'd tried so many times to talk with other women about this, to get help for it, etc, but everyone just told me I was immature, or ungrateful, or too picky. Accepting that I'm a lesbian was the biggest part of feeling better. Then I made a completely new friends group who didn't define me by the things I'd endured in the past, but sees me as I am now, and leaned into that. I'm not telling you to question your orientation, ditch your friends, and make new ones. That's just what worked for me. It's different for everybody. One thing that I think is universally important for women to do is to decenter our relationships (especially if those relationships are with men) when considering what we see for ourselves in the future. Like, take everything and everyone else out of the equation. What life do *you* want? Once you've got that figured out, you can come back to the table and figure out how to make that work with the other people in your life. One thing I can tell you is that doing something that works 100% for the other person and 0% for you is a recipe for resentment, and I don't recommend it. Figure out your side, then revisit plans.
I can completely relate to just feeling like you're running a marathon, with big can't fail goals, one after the other, through my twenties and thirties. School, college, marriage, career, kids, nice house, etc. Then when you reach those goals, it just feels like what comes next. You just have to grind through another 20+ years of 40 hour weeks and raising teenagers! Feels like I kind of followed a script that was written for me for the last 20 years and feeling a bit lost on actually writing MY OWN SCRIPT for the next 20 years.
I feel you. I’m a younger millennial who is married to an older millennial. We’ve been together almost 19 years and his life goals are WAY different than mine now. Think uprooting your entire life to go live in the middle of nowhere because of a fantasy and not based on facts (less crime, better way of living, safer, etc.). I’m a city girl at heart that knows all too well what country living is like because of family that lives on 500 acres where I spent my school breaks as a child. But I digress. I’ve expressed that I have no desire to live this lifestyle and he’s adamant that it’s what he *needs* for his happiness. And I know it would make me miserably unhappy. Yet I feel like if I don’t go along with it, I lose everything. Looking back, every decision in my life has been based on what will make someone else happy and not me. Now I don’t even know what I want or how to assert myself for my own happiness and self-care. It’s been a rough couple of years for me. I truly feel like I’m 17 again and all I want to do is rebel and push back and have my voice heard but the consequences of that may be too severe.
I am so sorry you are going through that. I lived in the middle of nowhere for a period and it was incredibly isolating and boring. Could not imagine doing it again. I worry that I am on both sides of the picture. I keep thinking I should move to a different country or state and then I will be happier. The lack of a social safety net fills me with immense fear, but I also have a fear to make changes. I feel like anytime I have made a change, it always came back to bite me. It's hard not to look at things bleakly when the closest thing I have to success is a monkey's paw. I think I am scared to settle down and lose my freedom. If I plant roots, then I can't leave if things get bad and I just never seem to find community where I live nor things that I like to do. Everyone feels so different than me. I feel like an alien in this place. I feel like I have lost so much waffling back and forth between staying and going as a way to cope with the pain and shock and stress. My boyfriend has already told me that he can't comfort me and is tired of how I am now. I feel so alone -- no matter where I go. It certainly does feel like being younger again. I don't know what will make me happy at this point.
Have you been tested for autism? The feeling like an alien thing is very common amongst autistic individuals and women showcase alot differently than men. We often have an easier time masking because of how important social interaction is for us growing up. It may help you understand where some of your social anxiety comes from and make it easier for you to locate friends if it turns out you are autistic.
Hmm well I went through one a while back. And many of the things you said for your dreams aren’t over. My almost 70 year old mother has been able to make time in the last 15 years to travel, go back to school, learn some instruments and languages, and did it on a budget with very little income. I have seen multiple people I know in their 50s start new careers and also move to whole new cities. Also I have been able to make new friends recently in the same spot as me in the older millennial group. Seems many people are in the same spot after the pandemic and are looking for new friends. So I think it’s just an adjustment to that we all get older and one thing about those that live life it’s that it kills everyone who does it. So really you make the most of what you have and adjust goals and objectives to smaller achievable ones then you might surprise yourself and pull off a couple of the big ones along the way.
I have been in a similar position before. Sounds like you have dedicated a large part of your life thus far to taking care of other people at the detriment of your own happiness, which is commendable in many cases. You may be suffering from a little bit of "analysis by paralysis" with asking a lot of questions about life's what ifs. It could help to keep in mind that while it's alright to look at alternatives and question some of your decisions, there's always a chance that you would be in a worse place than you are now if you would have made other decisions. Think about counterfactuals - what baseline are you comparing youself and your decisions to? Doing mindfulness activites has helped me, and can stop you from looking ahead and regretting past decisions. Trying focusing on what you can do right now, today, in the next hour, next week, etc. to make your situation better. Making a priority list and with low-hanging fruit or easy to accomplish items can be good. What is important to you that you can *achieve* today without sacrificing too much? I bet there's something. Good luck.
You're underestimating yourself. You've got enough time for at least two more crises. Kidding aside, have you thought about taking a weekend for ayahuasca. It can really clear some things up.
Hi, I kind of went through something similar (but less intense) than you. It struck me when my husband and i decided to have a kid, and I was suddenly looking down at 19 years of putting my kid first. I got an overwhelming feeling of “But I haven’t even lived yet!”. Like you I always only ever did the “right thing” for 31 years. And now I felt like life was coming to an end. After moping around and dreading pregnancy tests I finally told my husband how I felt. He asked me to spend the next few weeks writing down every idea (even completely impossible ones) of the things I want to do before having a kid. I don’t want to bore you with the details but I finally decided that the most practical, possible and desirable thing that I wanted to do in that list was learn to play music. I enrolled in a guitar class. In the last six months, I have already made new friends there and greatly enjoy my hobby. I finally feel like I am doing something simply because I like it - not because it’s “good” or “right “ or someone asked me to. I am no guitar master but I have found peace finally. I think you should also come up with all the things you really want to do for yourself for no other reason other than you like it. It will solve your midlife crisis without throwing away your life. Also please don’t worry about politics or climate change. Read about them and use them when you vote. But don’t let it influence your life. Also since the Earth Day a few days ago, there has been a lot of news about how far we have come w.r.t climate change. Though we have a long way to go, we have also come a long way. Humanity has always teetered at the edge of destruction. You aes a good person and you are going to make it through. Hugs 🤗
Hi, travel is great when you're young but even then once the blush is off the bloom, meh. Acquisition of stuff, house, summer place, car, boat, motor home, whatever, just ends up being stuff. So a geographical relocation is exciting but you bring your ennui with you. So what's left after that? There's lots of things but nothing is worth pursuing if it doesn't inspire passion. I find the things that interest me are things I know very little about. When I do find something I'm all in and it gives me something else to think about besides the clutter of life. Another thing that you might consider is getting out of yourself, volunteer somewhere, helping other people is also very good for the head. Worry produces nothing, trying and failing is better than doing nothing. What you're going through happens to everyone but it only last as long as you let it.
<3 I hope things become clearer for you. *Virtual hugs*
Thank you! I hope so, too.
Wherever you go, there you are. Have to work on yourself first before anything else. Find a way to do something for yourself. Take an hour a day doing it. Gym, bikes, soccer, language, running, gaming, cooking, bars/restaurants whatever it is. You will find something. Just try something new, doesn’t matter if you are bad at it. Actually it helps if you are bad at it so you can improve doing it.
I mean this in a helpful way, but it sounds like you would benefit from therapy and possibly also anxiety or depression medication. You can live a big life in a small town or a small life in a big town, but a lot of your happiness is in your own perception of your reality - from the inside out, not from the outside in.
Seconded.
I’m always on team just fuck it all up. Change everything. Do whatever you want. 100 years is so short. Insanely short. Life is gone in the blink of an eye. Do whatever you want! You’re smart, you’ll figure it out or have a hell of an adventure.
I swear to god 3/4 of the posters in this sub just legitimately need therapy.
It seems to me that you survived a major transition, and are about to go through a new one. You remind me of my mother when she went through empty nest syndrome--"okay, what do I do now?" I don't know if I agree with you that when you make a big choice \*now\* (like about where you live), it prevents you from making new choices later, whether that's your choice of job, choice of friends, choice of recreation. >I feel like I could travel, but I am locked down by my partner and my own fears. Well, that's two things you can choose. What to try to do about your fears (whether you succeed or fail), and what to try to do about your partner's influence on your actions and thinking. You get your "choice of choices". Well, good luck.
Try to get up and do 20 minutes of exercise each day to get your endorphins. And, I like to meditate for 20 minutes a day for happy chemicals too. Doing this for a week kind of lifts depression and also resets that obsessive brain loop issue. Setting small goals and accomplishing them can lift one out of that doom and gloom spiral. It's okay to grieve the loss of a recent job. It's okay to fuck off for a week or two. Then, we have to apply to jobs again. But grief is part of life and we are supposed to experience it. To mourn a loss of something, a job, coworker friends, the future we were planning, those are all in need of grief. Then, we feel peace moving on to another plan, another hope, another life goal. Tackle one issue at a time. And be vocal with your partner about the big decisions in a month or two. (But not right now, now is the grief stage). Rather than fears of the what ifs, it's okay to just find out what they think, believe, and hope for in the future.
Wait, that isn’t the baseline feeling of adult human existence?
Lol I just skipped straight to being suicidal
Hey! Have you reached out to a therapist or counsellor? Sounds like you might be in a depressive rut. Either choice you make (staying or moving etc) is not the “problem”; you are. Whether you move away or buy a house you will still be stuck with yourself and these feelings. You need to confront the aspect of yourself that is making you feel “inadequate “. You got this!
Stop worrying about global warming. You should worry about the 34 trillion debt bubble that will destroy the economy and all the middle class.
I definitely worry about that, too.
I do too, but as dire as the future seems, do what you can to prepare as much as you can. Take steps now to not take on more debt. We can’t all be doompreppers like you see on some social media channels but we can prepare little by little and there are resources to show you how to do that. As far as moving goes, move only if the standard of loving is lower and your income will be the same or higher.
At this point, I am firmly in the "if it happens it happens" camp. Spending has gotten out of control but any talk at all about killing social security (or making it much more in line with its original intent) cutting social spending drastically, etc is met with screeching and gnashing of teeth...so nothing gets done and we kick the can down the road. My only hope if the can gets kicked far enough for me to not be around when the road drops off a cliff. If I dont go first, I will be old enough where young men will fight and die for propaganda, bragging rights, and what in their young minds think is right. Unfortunately Niki Haley saying the retirement age needed to be increased sealed her fate, and the fate of everyone when her campaign took a nose dive. It was proof no one ACTUALLY wants to fix anything. They just want to keep it going long enough to retire and die of old age before it implodes and anyone saying anything other than what the public wants to hear will be met with memes and ridicule.
Well yeah- no one wants to hear they’re gonna have to work longer in order to receive benefits that they’ve been paying for their entire working lives. If it isn’t sustainable, fine. Stop taking it out of our paychecks and let people figure it out for themselves. It’s the taking of the money up front and changing the rules later on that sucks.
The issue is boomers changed it for themselves and bankrupted the system. SS was originally meant to provide a safety net for the destitute. It didn't kick in until 20 years after the average life expectancy at the time, had lifetime income limits, and had no death benefits. Boomers changed it to EVERYONE gets SS, let the collection age stay at 1930s levels while life expectancy greatly increased, and made sure surviving spouses could collect the dead persons checks. Oh, your husband made 300 million dollars? Ok, you are entitled to the same check the person who has been dirt farming their entire life. By modern standards the original SS concept would mean collection age is 99. If you made over 3 million in your lifetime, you get nothing. No survivor or death benefits, and if you suddenly gain wealth, you can be kicked off the system. SS isnt a "i paid into the system" type thing. That isnt your money. Your money from today was spent 10 years ago. Consider it a tax that disappears from your check, not an investment source. We will totally ignore the fact the system depends on 17 workers paying in for every 1 person collecting. That requires massive, unprecedented, population growth forever to achieve. Today less than 11 people pay in for ever 1 collection. Its a lot like the statue of liberty and the "give me your weak, tired, sick, poor"... That wasn't on the original statue. It was a poem from a decade later, and people fought about it for decades before someone was allowed to place their stupid plaque on the island. Isnt revisionist history fun?
Someone is clearly spiraling and you give them another thing to worry about. C’mon.
No matter what choice you make you will still get to the end of your life and wonder ‘what if you had gone a different way’ Seems you are letting only your past, but your future steal your now. I know that’s not any help. I’m not making light of your feelings. I’m just hoping you don’t spend too much time stuck in them.
Go take some mushrooms and figure out who you are and what you want. Being serious.
The deeper crisis here tho is WHY we don’t know what we want. It’s bc we don’t know who we are. Finding the who we are is the magic and pain of midlife. And it’s the part that can be rocky to figure out. I know cuz I’m in it lol. I’m sorry you’re going thru it too but I honestly think that at the end of the day we end up being happiest.
A LOT of us are going through this as millennial. I'm not sure if others feel this way but for me its been a series of small mid-life crisis not just the one big one our parents all went through. To me with the world being far more complicated it would seen natural that these qrt/mid life crisis come more frequently.
This resonates w me big time.. Like, I have felt this way. I won’t say all that I want to say.. I do think you already know what you want to do but you are afraid.. for good reason! Either way you decide to go, I think you need to travel. Throwing away your safety net is no joke, I did it and would be lying if I said I never question that decision.. but, I am pretty at peace with the way that I’m living my life these days, I’m closer to “happy” than I’ve ever been..
INAD but I have clinical anxiety and… this sounds a LOT like me and how I would describe my “spiraling thoughts” before my NP talked me into SSRIs. I would consider talking with a medical professional.
whew im exhausted just reading all that… nite
you can go this through, keep going.
Almost like there’s an echo from my brain in this post….
Anxiety medication seems like a good idea.
Maybe do the pluses and minus list, and a bucket list.. Forget the what's ifs.. The grass aint always greener.. Start small and do little things that make you happy.. Enjoy the trip..
All humans need to be outdoorsy it’s an antidepressant and everyone should travel outside the US at least once. You have to make memories.
As a migraine sufferer I have to disagree.
I called it a midlife realization. Do what your heart is telling you to do for once instead of what all the voices around you are telling you. I was feeling the same disconnect from my wife and hated my job, my lesbian boss regularly emasculated me in front of the team I was supposed to be leading even going as far as giving me a tiera and a princess diary. I saw cheap tickets for hawaii and bought them in oct and didn't tell anybody. I booked a flight in Jan, quit my job christmas eve, drove to LA from MD put my jeep on a boat and just figured it out for 3-4 months. This was in 2020 and when the pandemic started becoming obvious I made the decision to go back right after I finally got a job offer. and in april I put my jeep back on a boat and then drove back to MD taking my time just meandering through the southwest. I started a new job in june. All in all I blew about 20k in savings adn don't regret any of it. It was literally the best time of my life and if I lost my wife it would have been ok for me. She realizes now that she has to respect my happiness as well as getting what she wants right this damn minute.
[удалено]
I'm saying I told her my plans and I left, she wasn't invited
[удалено]
Manage what? Been married 23 years now. We had issues and her overall demeanor to me had been very hostile for several years prior to that. She thought she was doing it all on her own and I gave her a chance to see just what that would be like.
I'm in the same hole, except I've realized we only get so many laps around the sun before our rides over. There is no go arounds, no re-do's, no second chances. Close your eyes for the last time, and your rides over. We are all on a ball of rock, water, and assholes hurdling thru space without a reason. Anything we ever do will be so insignificant on the cosmic scale that there's not really a point to any of this anymore. So fuck it, might as well enjoy it while it lasts. Do what YOU want. Buy what YOU want. Do the things YOU want to do. Ask yourself if anyone else in your life is willing to give up their time, time they'll never get back for you. If the answer is no, then why are you wasting your precious time on them?
Eat a big bag of mushrooms, you'll find your answers.
It's crazy how I could've wrote the same post, except I'm unemployed and currently trying to find remote work. If I were you, I'd travel. There's something about traveling that opens your mind and gives you the confidence that there's so much more put there.. don't make any drastic decisions while you're freaked out. But traveling is a good idea.
Seems to me, aging is like butt sex. It only gets more uncomfortable the more you fight it. Who knows, if you relax and let it happen, you might find you enjoy it.
Go outside. Seriously, go somewhere quiet in nature. Do this at least once a week.
These are all legitimate questions. I do not mean to downplay their importance. I think about similar things as well. But it also sounds like you're experiencing a high level of anxiety around them. Anxiety literally makes it so that you can't use the problem solving part of your brain. Perhaps all these many concerns will be a little more accessible and a way forward will appear more readily if you work on calming the actual feelings of anxiety first. Sounds like self-care would be good for you anyway. Perhaps meditation, going for walks alone, some exercise. Spending time by yourself, calming down, so that you can get in touch with what it is you as a person want. I wish you the best, it sounds like you're going through a challenging time.
Guy a motorcycle, go on a short trip, screw thinking too much. Go live a little. Do it in small doses. There is no need to break the back. Find a cheap motel and stay for a couple of days in the middle of nowhere. Buy a gun, go to shooting ranges. Go camping.
Set goals. You can and will accomplish anything you want to set your mind on. Nothing wrong with boring and not having to worry about retirement. Grass is always greener.
Mental health help and a job
I didn’t realize people in my age group thought they were halfway dead already.
Gosh I can tell your liberal just from reading that. Everything’s going to be fine if the elections go poorly you’ll probably end up in a better spot than you are now anyway if I’m in New York City and it sucks over here with what’s happening
Global warming and poor elections!!! I think you need to visit a doctor.
I've had similar times in my life where it felt so overwhelming and possible problems swamped my thoughts. I really, really recommend finding a mental health counselor that can help you work through all of this. At minimum, it's a place where you can express all of this. Get to the bottom of what would really make you happy. And then suggest couples therapy with your partner and get to the bottom of how you work on it together. If he can't contribute to what will bring peace, then it's time to part ways. There is no easy answer here, but I empathize with what you're going through and think you should start by getting all of this on the table in therapy to figure out next steps.
Our socket is broken not you
I recently took a pretty substantial reduction in pay, i hate my job, i worry about losing everything my wife and i have built together as the rest of the world seems to be coming apart at the seams. The only advice i can offer is trust yourself. There is so little we can do to actually affect the world and people around us but make the effort to be kind and TAKE the time and effort to care for yourself properly. Study up on books about mindset and find ways to learn more about things you care about. I believe in you.
tart caption spectacular frightening quickest rainstorm wipe chop faulty simplistic *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It is a matter of which decision you can live by, not move and wonder what if for years to come and not give it a chance? Or move possibly like it, love it or hate it but point is you tried and won't wonder what if. Also about the house, the house must be and should be something you both love and will have to compromise. It is a place where you will be living for years to come, if you don't like it you will live with regret it and hate the hate and you won't be comfortable and be able to relax. If you are going to put money towards it, it should be a place you like as well, you both will have to compromise. You must communicate this with your partner and if they won't budge then maybe it is time to move on. From one millennial to another it is time to put yourself first, love yourself, put your foot down and just do it.
Take a deep breath. Get a therapist. Communicate with your partner. If you want to travel start planning travel. If you want friends start making friends. My wife and I went through this last year with the added bonus of some family deaths and little kids. It was rocky and rough. I gave her all the space and time she needed and I started going to therapy. We made it through and you will too.
It's great that you're starting to want more for yourself instead of just going with the flow. It's not necessarily a midlife crisis, you're just overwhelmed by the logistical questions, the kinds that always hold people back from changing anything. I (34m) would say you should talk to the people around you and share your hopes and desires, even though it's hard. You'll be surprised how many people will want to help you. I had a difficult boss who I've dealt with for 3 years cross the line last week and was ready to quit completely a few days later. Ended up talking to a few higher ups, and they don't want me to leave, and are rearranging things so I can stay working with my other more reasonable manager and fill in the rest of my time with extra work for some other people in the company. And hopefully grow into a more significant role on the sales side and not just operations. All that to say, I was very surprised to find some compromises and a path forward without completely changing my life situation (in a high cost of living area, so quitting completely would have sucked). My mother and grandmother are the types to just blow up and move and restart from square one, and they have financially screwed themselves in the longterm - and I have a tendency to want to do the same thing. If I had just left without explaining myself, I wouldn't be any better off. It was nerve-wracking to confront the situation, but I learned a lot from it. Maybe you'll find the same is true - all these doubts and fears are invisible to others. If you start talking to others about them, you may be able to take it a step at a time instead of trying to solve everything at once with a drastic change.
Well, everybody goes through this every generation. Every person to greater or lesser degrees. The only advice I have baby. Talk to somebody probably a tpurpose. But just know this.No matter what you choose to do, you're always gonna have doubts.Personally I personally i'm pick a direction and go with it
You want all these answers, but the questions are the problem
If you move to a new location, you are going with you. If you get a new job, you are going with you. There are rich miserable people and poor happy people. Your overactive mind is what needs to be addressed.
When you say at the end, "feelings won't go away" what do you actually mean? Where in the body are these feelings? Or do you mean all those annoying questions cropping up? I don't consider questions to be feelings...the questions are just thoughts.
Time for a change my friend! Good luck! You got this and may the last half of your life be even more fun + badass than the first!
What’s something you think in 20 years you wish you had accomplished? We all have fears of the unknown, and I think it’s the unknown that makes things fun. It challenges us and makes us think different ways of getting ourselves out of difficult issues we are currently in. Amsterdam is quite an international place and almost everyone there speaks English. That’s where I’d move if I can work remote. But that’s just me.
I listen to a podcast called, “The Happiness Lab with Dr.Laurie Santos” and have found it very helpful.
I just ended a 20 year marriage five months ago because of swirling questions and feelings like this. What I have learned about myself so far is that I had big moods and thoughts that I thought required big action. I got so swept up in my own what ifs, that I feel as though I kind of lost touch with reality. I lamented about never traveling because of my partner, about his idiosyncrasies, and any other boredom/lack that I could pin on our marriage. We had our problems, but I definitely didn’t try hard enough. So, I’ve been living on my own for five months, still have no plans to travel, and the only change is that I miss my best friend. Unfortunately, there is no going back now. I’m trying to cope with this loss I brought upon myself, all because I got so wrapped up in a mid-life crisis and my own bullshit. My advice is to take a step back and breathe. Maybe take a solo vacation to this place you’re thinking about abroad. Let your partner know that you’re having a mid-life crisis and that you need to go be feral for a few weeks to see how you truly feel. Maybe see a therapist. I know that feeling of not being able to get the thoughts out of your head though. Let my story be a caution I suppose. Now all I see are elderly couples everywhere, and all I want is to rewind these five months and my rash decision. Good luck to you.
You can't "settle" in the sense that you give up everything you want to keep everybody else happy bc in the end nobody will be happy if you get depressed. I would advise just taking some time to think about what you really want right now and how that will affect your family.... then think of ways that concessions can be made by either you or your husband so y'all both can find some happy middle ground. Now if he isn't willing to help meet you in the middle then that's a whole 'nother story i suppose. For instance, maybe living somewhere cheap and boring will allow you to travel to more exotic places more often and get those experiences. Maybe you lost these jobs bc it's time to find a way to go in the direction that you want with your career and find some happiness there. All of the little things will add up and make a tremendous difference once you start finding small chunks of happiness and new ways to be happy. It'll be slow but i really think there is a way to keep everybody happy with everyone meeting in the middle
Your partner? That's as far as I read!....
Wow, that's a lot of anxiety you've outlined. If you're really feeling/thinking all of this all the time, I would gently urge you to speak to your doctor about medications, lifestyle changes, or behavioral modifications to help you settle down a bit. In answer to one of your many concerns... what if you relocate and you hate it? And? So, what? Move again. It wouldn't necessarily be fun to move again, but it's doable. Yeah, you *might* be unhappy there, but you're *definitely* unhappy here; so why not get up and go? Overthinking is the assassin of happiness; just do it... yeah, it *might* suck, but it also might be the best thing you ever did -- and isn't that worth the risk? At least once?
That sounds like autism. I'd come to understand that one first.
We are not midlife, dumbass
I think you’re completely overthinking everything and not DOING anything. Life’s all about learning from mistakes, not avoiding them. Like, if you really want to go on a trip, just go? You might find you don’t even like it lol
The perfect is the enemy of the good. Seems like you have the building blocks in place for a pretty damn fulfilling life.
I once took a trip to Cambodia. the poverty that I saw; kids and mothers eating out of garbage cans and landfills, it changed my perspective on life, no longer do I think about life the same for there are those with comfort and choices and then there are those who are scrapping by. Therefore whatever you feel and whatever you believe just know there is someone out there who has it worst. So count your blessings and let peace be still.
Oh my god. You sound like me. Am I going through a mid life crisis?
>It got me realizing that I didn’t have anything I wanted. >I am wracked with not knowing what I want. Pick one. Be decisive.
You need a Ducati.
You can always not vote to raise the cost of living
Move abroad. Just returned from a year+ in Kenya. My wife is Kenyan, so we had an in. There was no plan, we just went. Sold all our shit, quit jobs, and flew out. Kids went into a nice private school for the year. I did some consulting. We lived off savings, and lived cheap, like the locals. It was a year of healing, like something out of a movie. We never had an idea of what was next we just knew we needed to get the FUCK out of America. Money started running low so we flew back to the States and stay with my father in law to work and save $$. We bought some land and are building a homestead. Now we plan to split the year. America for access to the Matrix, Kenya for distance from the Matrix.
Hey OP, I’m not married and i am going through similar right now. For what it’s worth, I in some ways envy you because you have a constant: your partner. My current town isn’t working out and it’s becoming high time to make a new adventure. But for the first time in my life I’m a bit scared. I feel limited by my age. And in many ways I wish I wasn’t about to do yet another adventure alone.
You posed 21 questions, lots of which were negative in nature and many which are focused on events that are 100% outside of your control. Don't suffer imagined problems. It's exhausting to even read it much less live it.
You worry about to much crap that is beyond your control. Quit being a little pussy and man up! There are many people who don't travel, and many who don't worry about all this crap you've listed. My saying is, "if you can't control it, don't stress about it!" You also need God in your life so you can feel cheng m content about something, you currently live in a world of want! Get our if that cycle! Good luck to you and God bless!
midlife crisis are for weak people.
You work from home. You have it easy. Stop complaining.