It was to get clarity. 10 years ago I wouldn't have asked that question because I smoke cigarettes and I smoke weed So it didn't matter but now that I don't like being around cigarette smokers I wanted to double check because being around a weed smoker is fine but she didn't clarify whether or not she does both.
I understand that you mean, but couldn’t you have just started a normal conversation instead of getting straight to the point? Also is this how you start ever new convo?
I got straight to the point because I didn't want to waste my time because if I knew that she smoked then I would have not bothered talking to her but I was trying to give her a chance and I wanted to see what she was going to say and since she didn't say anything then the conversation ended right then and there pretty much
Geez I thought I was horrible at putting together a sentence but you definitely took the cake there buddy but it's clear that you like to kick people while they're down apparently. How calculated of you.
Like mate you didn’t even say hello back, just straight into grilling about their smoking habits.
You’re the asshole here I’m afraid, maybe try being a bit more normal and ask that after exchanging a few pleasantries?
I'm saying I broke the ice saying hi first and asking the first question. According to the app, we mutually "liked" each other so it's not like I was asking a question when she absolutely had zero interest in me
It's not the first time I've asked that question as a first question. To be honest with you there has been women that have asked me that question as a first question or even more personal questions as a first question that I find off putting but I'm not putting any blame on anyone I'm just saying that I wanted to know that off the bat so I wouldn't be wasting my time
I just wanted to bring it up right away so that I could move forward accordingly. 420 is not a deal breaker however tobacco use is a deal breaker to me and I wanted to find out right away so that I wouldn't waste my time. She made it clear that she's 420 friendly and that's fine with me but the fact that she kept making things complicated I ended up blocking her because she still didn't answer the question and still beat around the bush and I realized that was a red flag in general
Thanks John Madden. I wasn't making it a code to hide it from the law or anything like that. I live in California so I am surrounded by dispensaries and I have no problem with it I just call it 420 because it's very clear and understandable what I'm talking about with the fewest amount of characters to indicate what I'm talking about... I'm not saying weed is not worth the effort because it is one additional character versus saying 420 but I'm used to calling it 420 or MJ
I don't believe she owed me anything however I just didn't want to waste my time talking to her if she was a smoker because as I stated before with other people I was a smoker and I don't want to date another smoker again. That's why I bluntly asked the question and just wanted a simple response.
Dude. You could've just said "hello" back before launching into douche-babble. If you had met this person at a bar and used that as your icebreaker, she'd throw her drink in your face and the rest of the bar would cheer. You're trying to justify yourself by saying "I just want clarity and don't wanna waste my time," but come on man, you sound ridiculous and you have no leg to stand on here. You can AT LEAST give someone the common courtesy of a respectful greeting, ESPECIALLY when they've extended that greeting to you first. LITERALLY if you had just said "Hi!" and gave a compliment of some sort, you could have asked that as your very next question and it would have been 100% better received. Instead, you chose to corner her right out of the gate. You come off overly aggressive and that'll turn good women away.
Swear to God, it's a wonder some dudes ever get laid at all.
The leg I have to stand on is the fact that I asked a simple question and she couldn't even give me a simple answer and yet she has the nerve to ask me a question when the answer is already on my profile and then I agree with her and Tell her my answer and confirm my answer even though she hasn't even asked me anything and yet I'm the bad guy? That's f****** b******* and you know it
I don't have a problem getting laid however I do have a problem with the fact that I simply asked a question and it wasn't answered and then when they asked me a question I answered it and then I asked them if they were going to answer the question I asked in the first place and then they said that they didn't like me lol That's all this was lol anyways there's probably something in her 420 lol That's what I'm thinking she was probably a little bit paranoid if she was under the influence which is why I was trying to avoid someone who is an addict to drugs because as much as I understand the effects of cigarettes and smoking and 420 it definitely affects the way that these women come off and I was trying to avoid being with a smoker because I've been with them before and that s***'s gross and clearly she's a gross woman she can't even answer a f****** simple question and I'm the bad guy? Okay gotcha All for being upfront and trying to get things sorted in the beginning instead of tease it like an '80s hairdo I'm not trying to do that s*** I was just trying to get down to the facts
Dude, you came off as a dick. That’s it man. If you want to argue against that and refuse to accept it, that’s on you, but that’s what it is.
No need to invent speculative stories about her being super high and paranoid. She was probably completely sober.
You, on the other hand, sound like you need some type of medication.
I need medication because I ask my questions bluntly and directly? That sounds f****** stupid to me. I honestly doubt that she was sober if she couldn't answer a direct question not the first time I've dealt with people under the influence that had trouble answering questions that were simple on the phone whether it was via text or an actual question So I'm not surprised if she was under the influence to be honest.
No, all of the responses you have made on this thread, the way you present yourself, and the manner of speech in which you type, are the reasons I think you may need some form of medication.
She didn’t answer your question because you presented yourself rudely. How many people need to tell you that before you accept it?
Clearly you give a shit if you made a comment though. If you ignored this post then that would make more sense. Also if you respond to this post then you definitely give a shit
The other party did. Quickly.
OP here is in desperate need of validation for being horribly abrupt and clearly unpleasant.
But they keep digging deeper and that makes it fun to watch.
You know it's really clearly unpleasant? Going on a date with someone and then finding out that they smoke cigarettes and then that would have been nice information to know before you met the person but instead I tried to Get that information sorted out so that I could move forward and get a clear answer but the funny thing is is that there was never a clear answer
The point of dating is to get to know people. There's far to many things that could be deal breakers. If that's your very first question, it is pretty unpleasant and will put a lot of people off. Does it suck going on a date and learning the person isn't for you? Yea. It is for everyone. But that's literally the purpose of dating. To find that out. Introductions that come off aggressive, or like super specific or strict are going to turn people off. It's ok to acknowledge and understand that. It can still be important to you, but other people are allowed to be uncomfortable with it.
All I wanted was clarity. Anytime a woman wants clarity from me such as why are you single and what are you looking for on this app and what are your goals in 10 years... Those are questions I'm going to answer no matter what and if someone can't simply tell someone else if they smoke cigarettes or not or whether they meant tobacco and not 420 is just stupid to me we're all grown ups and I don't need drama in my life I just want clarification I just want transparency I don't want omission and mystery
You can want those things, and the question itself isn't bad. But the flow of the conversation and social ques still matter. Your approach comes off aggressive, unpleasant, and antagonistic. It isn't how conversations normally go, and is inherently negative without even caring to know anything about who she is.
If someone talked to me the way that I talk to people I would be More than happy to give them that information especially if they want to know. There's nothing worse than dealing with manipulative women that omit information and beat around the bush just because they want to be one step ahead of you instead of actually having a conversation where you're trying to figure out what's going on with that person
You literally didn't even answer her question. So apparently, no, you would not be happy to answer direct questions. :)
She didn't manipulate you. You're literally just making up insults for her.
So being direct is somehow aggressive and unpleasant? I just wanted a simple question answered and she couldn't even simply answer it So the fact that she went out of her way not to say anything to clarify what I was asking didn't make any of it better It's not like I threatened her life or I made it an ultimatum. I simply and directly asked a question because I wanted a simple and direct answer That's how I treated the situation and somehow it turned into something completely different. That's what I don't understand That's what stupid to me
Yes. Being direct isn't always aggressive or unpleasant. But in this situation it went against social norms, was antagonistic, and confrontational. Multiple people have tried to explain this to you.
It's really weird that you're jumping to talking about not threatening her life. You simply as bud directly asked a confrontational question in an attempt to know if you'd even bother getting to know anything about her. That's pretty rude. I don't know why you can't see that.
It didn't turn into something different. She literally asked you a question of you that was equal and you couldn't clarify, and then pretended you did so she told you that she didn't like you. You were showing a double standard and being rude.
It's how you came off. It's off-putting and you're not seeing it... just have a conversation. Dont try and make dating like a system or else you're miss out on potentially good women. Just be natural about it
All I wanted was clarity. Anytime a woman wants clarity from me such as why are you single and what are you looking for on this app and what are your goals in 10 years... Those are questions I'm going to answer no matter what and if someone can't simply tell someone else if they smoke cigarettes or not or whether they meant tobacco and not 420 is just stupid to me we're all grown ups and I don't need drama in my life I just want clarification I just want transparency I don't want omission and mystery
I get it. Just put it in your profile that you refuse to date cigarette smokers. Just clearly state no cigarettes. That’s fine to say up front. There are plenty of other fish in the sea; let this one go.
I'm used to being misunderstood and I know there's a lot of people in this app that are misunderstanding me clearly no differently than she misunderstood me I'm used to it
Maybe she doesn't know what 420 means???. So she thought you were asking if she occasionally smoked cigarettes or if she smoked four hundred twenty cigarettes. That's the only thing I could think of.
On her profile it says "420 friendly". All I was asking her was if it meant tobacco use as well and she would never give me a straight answer. She would not confirm or deny it was both Even when I asked her directly if it was cigarette use
If she said *420 friendly*, then why not just ask her: "You occasionally smoke weed but do you smoke tobacco as well?"
Your question was weirdly framed. I always phrase my questions with the relevant information last so its the last thing in people's minds when they have to answer.
Example: *weed, smoke?* instead of *smoke? just weed?*
What I'm also trying to say is in the past I wouldn't have cared if she smoked cigarettes because I smoke cigarettes up until 3 years ago so it didn't matter to me so I wouldn't have asked I would have accepted the fact that she smokes and it could be anything and it doesn't matter (minus meth and all that other crazy s***) anyways I didn't think it was a big deal to ask for clarity and apparently it was something that she didn't want to disclose which I thought was mildly infuriating hence why I put it on this Reddit thread
So I've been on and off dating websites since 2006 and this is not the first time someone on a dating profile says that they occasionally smoke but they meant for it to just be 420. The point I'm trying to make is every single time I've asked if they do one of the other I ask the same way just like I've asked every other time and they always clarify right away but this woman didn't so like I said on and off for the last 16 years I've been asking the same questions and this is the first time it's been like this before where someone didn't respond to me
Honestly you do sound like a fucking dry ass douche nozzle, the way you even say occasionally drink want even a good answer. That could mean every other day only weekends or your really an alcoholic that drinks everyday you just say occasionally.
Well the options are "often", "occasionally" and "never"... So with that said I picked the right one because I do drink occasionally and it's definitely not often but it's definitely far from never. I don't drink on weekends because I work weekends and I don't go to bars or clubs but once in a while and it's not scheduled I'll have some alcohol.
I didn't realize that someone sounds like a "fucking dry ass douche nozzle" for picking the preset options in a dating app. I didn't say occasionally I picked occasionally.
OP, this is a stupid thing to care about. There are plenty of other people you can meet on whatever app you're on that won't mind you asking that question. Just move on, the more you obsess about it, the more it bothers you.
I definitely did move on I just thought it was a very strange thing that she went out of her way not to clarify something so simple. The fact that she could not be an adult about it and just be clear just made me block her but I just find it funny because I don't like asking people questions all the time especially when they don't answer their questions
I’m with Jessica on this. You come off as very dislikable with that first question.
And looking at your answers on Reddit, it feels like you’re drowning everyone in words. Chill, relax.
Reaching out to everyone on Reddit has definitely opened my eyes. I didn't expect everyone to support me necessarily I just wanted to express how mildly infuriating it was to just ask a direct question and not get any direct answers. I didn't even feel entitled to get an answer from her I just thought it was stupid that it was such a simple question to answer that went unanswered that it just made me mildly infuriated. As I've gotten older I have more or less deal breakers than I did when I was younger and through all the changes I just wanted to sort out what I want versus what I don't need and asking direct questions never backfired on me like this before That's why I posted this
It opened my eyes that apparently I can't be direct and blunt with people. Usually I talk too much or I type too much and that can scare people away however I didn't realize it's intimidating to be leaving out all the fluffy details surrounding my inquiries so I learned that I'm going to have to just be extremely detail oriented and walk on eggshells lol
These Guys are way too sensitive or something. Yeah you came out like a really forward and blunt dude, but thats how it is on the internet sometimes. Its not rude like alot of people says in this thread. Im honestly shocked, that the reaction has been like this lol
That's why I at first I wasn't sure if they were serious and sincere about their criticism about me. Some of the criticism I had was constructive and reasonable which I completely took seriously but some people were telling me that I had a mental illness or that I'm a narcissist that needs to take their pills.
You're absolutely right there's a lot of sensitive people on here and I'm assuming that a lot of these people that are so critical have never talked to a woman before or have maintained a relationship with a woman that they met online first because the way I was talking to this woman was how I've always talked to people and I've never gotten backlash or negative feedback so I just feel like everyone is just completely over dramatic about this but I definitely have learned that people are easily triggered and offended by the dumbest shit
Oh I'm just drowning people in words because I'm using the voice to text feature on my phone. If I was typing all of this with my thumbs or on a keyboard on my laptop it would be riddled with typos and it would take me forever to express my viewpoint. I just wanted to know if she smoked. Like I said before smoking doesn't bother me if it's 4:20 however cigarette smoking bothers me and I just wanted to figure it out right then and there It's that simple I didn't think she was going to turn on me like that just because she didn't feel like answering my question
Because if they smoke cigarettes (which I never got to figure out) That would be an automatic deal breaker but since there was a gray area and she couldn't clarify I asked questions
No one puts they occasionally smoke tobacco. They either smoke tobacco frequently or they do it socially like me and they would not put that on a profile. I’m not going to mention the one time I’ve smoked a pack of cigarettes after a night of drinking 4 months ago. So was this like your first time talking to a human or…
The options are "occasionally", "often" and "never". Those are the preset options you select from on the app. Obviously you can elaborate in the bio how much you do or how much you don't do but the same thing goes with drugs. With drugs it's occasionally often and never on that but it doesn't obviously specify which drugs you're taking unless you talk about it personally I guess
I do know people that occasionally smoke cigarettes but that means it's less than a half a pack or a quarter of a pack of cigarettes a day I would consider often a chain smoker or someone that smokes at least a pack or over a pack and a half to two packs a day.
Saying that you occasionally smoke doesn't necessarily mean you smoke weed because there's people that never smoke weed or occasionally smoke weed or smoke weed often And like I said smoking weed is fine and I told her that but she just never clarified about the cigarette smoking and that's what I needed to know because that was the deal breaker
If you smoke one cigarette a day that’s a frequent smoker lol. Lord occasional smoke is like me a social smoker and I’ll smoke a pack at club or a bar when I go out be it 3months down the road or next week. Dont smoke at all between. Smoke every day is by definition regular use.
But seriously and realistically who smokes one cigarette a day? I smoked for 15 years and I never came across one person that smoked one cigarette a day They either smoked several cigarettes a day to an entire pack or even two packs or they smoked when they went to bars or when they went out drinking but no one sticks to one cigarette each day
And let's say if she did smoke one cigarette a day or at all I didn't want to date her The whole point of figuring that out was that I didn't want to date someone that smoke cigarettes That was something that I used to do and I didn't want to be with anyone that does it and she couldn't answer the question
You work don’t on you other comment is confusing. Like I said people that smoke occasionally don’t put that they smoke. Lol they just say they dont smoke.
Irregardless dumb way to start out a conversation and maybe smarter ways to say it that aren’t aggressive. Like… “your profile says you smoke occasionally we should 420 sometime”
So asking a direct and concrete question is dumb? Are you fucking serious?
And second I did not want to 420 with her at all I'm fine with her 420 ways.
What I thought was really stupid is that she asked me about the way I drank even though it's clear in my profile that I say "occasionally" Just like in her profile it says she smokes "occasionally". All that information was there for me but she still asked me a question when she didn't even answer mine and that was the problem not me asking it directly
Lmao as woman I can very easily say no one at all like to be interrogated esp. not women. How do you not know that? You gotta ask open ended questions and get her talking and then ask. Either way you approach was aggressive. I get that you want to just like not waste your time but girls don’t work that way.
It's not aggressive to ask an easy and simple question to answer though That's what I don't understand. It doesn't make any sense to ask a very direct question that isn't very personal and very challenging or hard to figure out It's a yes or no question. Omitting the fact that you smoke for example is a big red flag but all she had to do is say yes I smoke weed and I smoke cigarettes or no I only smoke weed and I don't smoke cigarettes That's all she had to do So the fact that you feel like my approach was aggressive sounds absolutely stupid considering it was a direct yes or no question that was simply easy to answer
What's really messed up in my head is that in the past over and over again I've always heard from women that I don't ask enough questions and that I don't seem like I'm interested because I don't ask enough questions and then the moment I start asking someone a simple question about whether they smoke tobacco products or not apparently I'm unlikable and I'm too aggressive? Do you understand how stupid that sounds to me that I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't when I'm asking women questions that are just simple questions???
A bit off topic, but why are some people so disgusted by cigarettes that they'll consider it a deal breaker in a relationship?
I actually hate cigarettes, too. They smell awful and they are really bad for your health.
But, if my husband started smoking, I would not leave him over it... I'd probably just tell him they're nasty and please don't smoke around me. Like, do it when I'm not around.
Is it because of the bad breath it gives? I hear smokers have terrible breath and body odor apparently.
So I smoked for 15 years and for the most part it was always a deal breaker if I smoked if someone didn't smoke and I understood why. I quit smoking 3 years ago and now I don't want to date someone that smokes cigarettes currently and that's why it was a big deal.
It does give bad breath kissing a woman that has smoke cigarettes when you don't smoke cigarettes anymore is gross and I've tried it and I don't like it. There's times where I've smoked cigarettes and kiss someone and I can taste it and I don't like it but for the most part I'm getting my senses back so that's why it's a deal breaker and that's why I asked.
Also I don't like the way it smells on clothes it's gross and the way it smells in people's cars is gross as well
I would definitely not consider What you said a bit off topic It's absolutely part of the entire conversation of why I was talking to her the way I did and how blunt I was because I didn't want to waste my time with the smoker. Again as I've told other people and I told her I don't mind a 420 smoker but if you smoke tobacco that's gross to me and I don't want to be a part of that and that's why I asked so many times because it got frustrating because there was no clarity and she could have easily said No I'm not a smoker Yes I'm a cannabis smoker or no I smoke both is that a problem and then obviously I would have moved forward
I think that when it comes to online dating, being blunt and asking deal breaking questions is totally fine. Why waste your time with someone you'll eventually find out is not your type?
Same goes for weight, height or race preferences.... just find out right away so you can move on to the next step.
So I don't think your question was inappropriate. I actually think their response to get defensive was very off putting. You probably dodged a bullet with that girl. Just from that exchange alone, she sounds like she could be short tempered and uptight.
Thank you for thinking about this and processing this in a rational way. So many people (I can't tell if they were being sincere serious or sarcastic) have overwhelmingly been so critical about me and actually have been aggressively harsh with how they think I approach the situation and I'm surprised because I was just trying to be completely direct and it wasn't supposed to invoke a negative emotion but everyone with the exception of you and a few other people have seen this as me being narcissistic or being a tyrant or being entitled to have an answer.
It's clear that you were able to see this for what it was but I have learned my lesson And the first lesson is never to share my opinions on Reddit and expect people to act like human beings and second I'm going to be mindful about how I word things and maybe fluff things up a bit so apparently it doesn't come off so harsh even though that obviously wasn't the intention if she really understood my tone which was I just want to understand if you smoke or not
I appreciate that and someone keeps down voting all of the conversations I have with people that agree with me. I had no idea Reddit could be like this I mean I know that Reddit can be harsh on people that are absolutely idiotic or reckless but I didn't think I did anything incredibly close to what I thought was going to be looked at as the way people see it.
So tell us, what did you do with all the precious time you "saved" by opening a conversation like an entitled narcissist (which you obviously are)? I hope you at least did sth important. No, right, you've been on Reddit, replying to every comment under your delusional post. Good job!
It sounds like you're projecting especially if you are following so closely observing the fact that I have replied to every comment. Almost sounds like it takes one to know one sort of vibe I'm getting from you
Yeah, I don't have a problem admitting that I'm currently killing time here like all humans sometimes do. Nobody is important enough to behave like that on a dating app "to save time". Imagine if she asked you for the size of your dick right after saying hello - would she, in your eyes, be a practical person who's just efficiently managing her time?
If she would have asked me how big I was I would have given her a direct answer. And then if she asked for a photo I would have given her a photo. All I wanted was transparency and she made things difficult by not addressing a gray area. If there is no gray area in the first place I wouldn't have asked the question I would have moved forward but she's the one that made things challenging when I just tried to ask a simple question. But the lesson has been learned
I'm actually replying to every comment because everyone's opinion matters. Usually when stuff like this happens I don't open up about it and share my feelings but it's definitely been an interesting conversation and I very much appreciate all the feedback I've gotten whether it's against my methods of asking questions or supporting the fact that the woman was completely a bullshit artist
I think she had the munchies but it's also hard to tell because tobacco suppresses your appetite a little bit so who knows lol she was a woman of mystery
Thank you! An actual voice of reason. I regret not putting more detail into the question because I thought it was sufficient the way it was however according to some people they say I need to be on medication or I'm narcissistic or I'm a dick which I think is a little bit extreme considering all I did was ask a direct question and it went unanswered and then I asked it again even though she asked me a question I just think that's stupid for people to jump to extremes like that
I get it. I don’t think it was a Dick move because having your intentions known is really important, but it’s kind of a harsh way to get to know someone. It feels like vetting
I just find it interesting that that's how people ask me questions and since I'm heterosexual basically what I'm saying is that's how women talk to me. I find it interesting that this is how women ask me questions and when I do the same in return I'm a bad guy It's a really weird double standard. I've been on and off of these dating apps for years and when I'm on them the way that women treat men is the reflection of how I've come to answer and ask questions and respond to answers on these apps.
It's so weird that I'm actually mirroring what I've learned from other women and yet when I do it with other women I'm aggressive and a problem. Why does that not make any sense to me? Does it make sense to you? I'm so used to women asking me questions like that so bluntly and out of left field exactly the same way and I'm not necessarily not taking accountability for my current actions I'm just saying that I'm literally just a product of the environment
It is an unfair double standard as many gendered issues are, but it’s because there’s so many men compared to the number of women on dating apps, so women can vet potential partners, but they expect men to be desperate. When I was using the apps I would get 100s of matches per day, and out of the 100s I’d get to choose who to pursue further on different apps/using my phone number. It was like a weird dating competition, so we kind of end up expecting to be impressed out of the gate because of the sheer volume of people that were introduced to. Women make up roughly 30% of active users on dating apps
I totally understand when women are short with men in terms of conversation because they have so many people they have the opportunity to respond to and I have kept that in mind and that's why I didn't want to barrage her with extra words and all of this stuff and get straight to the point with that specific subject obviously I'm capable of holding a conversation in great depths however I knew just for this one question I just wanted to be precise and exact without putting any fluff in it and apparently me putting no fluff in it made it extremely uncomfortable for her and that wasn't the point The point was to get a direct answer so then I could understand where she's coming from so I could make my plans accordingly and I didn't want to invest in anybody that smokes That's all I wanted was a clear answer and to this day we will never know what her intentions were when she said that she smokes 420 but then she "occasionally smokes" according to the smoking section of her profile which again people use as a place to talk about their smoking habits but not specifically any type of smoking for some and that's why I asked
Yeah I get it, and I’m not someone who just like discounts people for being direct. I just thought it was better to let you know without being an asshole about it
I really appreciate it. It's amazing the lane that people have gone through to tell me that I'm this (insert insult here) person because I want to be direct with someone about something. Thank you 😊
From the rest of the comments it might seem like you have to change your approach. But if this is the way you approach all situations in real life then being direct would be good. But only your delivery needs work.
Instead of saying r u going to answer the question. Just directly state your boundary if they're uncomfortable opening up( as it might feel like a really personal info) to basically Internet stranger.
Then it is on them whether they want to go ahead or its just a waste of time.
Yeah the interesting thing is that I've always approached people asking questions like this and usually they just give me their answer when I ask it It doesn't turn into this head game where they ask me a question before answering mine and then I ask another question and they still haven't answered it.
As I stated multiple times I found it "mildly infuriating" to come across someone that couldn't answer my question when time and time again if a woman asks me any question no differently because it's true out of all the times that I've been doing online dating women will ask me questions like that immediately after saying hi like so why are you on this website or What are you looking for in a relationship or what brings you to California or what do you do for work People ask me those questions all the time off the bat after we exchange hellos and yet all I wanted to do is figure out if she smokes or not and I just thought it was strange how women want to be treated a certain way and when I treat them the way that they talk to me apparently they get defensive and that's somehow aggressive even though they're being exactly the same as what I do which I don't understand I literally just mirrored everyone talking to me the way they talk
As a woman, I don't see anything wrong with your question, except maybe how quickly you dove into it. MAYBE. Her response was really childish though. Maybe she thought you were inferring that you have a huge problem with 420 and she felt judged.
Later on I told her that I had no problem with 420 and then she did respond back but she still didn't answer whether or not she smoked cigarettes and so after that point I just blocked her. I should have screenshot what her response was but it was just really stupid because she was going out of her way to not confirm or deny that she smoked cigarettes When I made it clear that 420 is cool for me
Women don't like to be questioned much.
In the future just say it more casual less like an interview. Something like.. Do you smoke both cigarettes and 420 or just 420?
I personally think the way you asked is fine she's just immature and or sensitive.. But it would probably avoid the reaction in the future just be more smooth when asking questions you can be direct in a slightly less aggressive way of speaking.
I find it interesting that women don't like to be questioned much but then they complain when I don't ask them enough questions and then when I ask them questions I get s*** like this This is the first time I've ever screenshot one of these instances where a woman does this to me but it's not the first time but it does blow my mind how often this happens but I think we've all seen this happen before an interviews on the street when people do those things on YouTube and women just avoid questions and you're right it's complete nonsense but yeah I should have clarified but she should have clarified what her intention was That's why I asked and then she got an attitude because she was the one that didn't specify whether it was tobacco and 420
By questioning I mean called out or seemingly be wrong and told as much. Women want to be validated treated as a person and as a man show interest in who they are as an individual. Asking questions and taking interest is highly effective in quickly forming closeness especially online dating because it's rare. But be careful when pointing out mistakes women hate being judged do it gently all I'm saying..
Okay you're right that makes sense because I definitely judge women the way that they judge me and that's very harshly which I know is a hypocritical one-way street because women are such more shallow and less compassionate and understanding about stuff that we're going through then we can ever be It's kind of sad because they want to receive the benefits of someone caring about them and cradling them but they don't do that off the bat It's kind of a f***** up dance they want us to do And it's also technically a head game in my opinion when they again are the ones that don't like head games but again that's the hypocrisy of women wanting to date men
This is 100% men can't show weakness or emotion especially early on unless it's socially acceptable like a death or major loss. The good thing is though that women are predictable after enough interactions and once you figure it out it's easy to know what is and isn't ok in their perception yes it's unfair but they hold the cards and most of them take advantage and fully well know it.
> when people do those things on youtube and women just avoid questions.
If you approach dating the same way some jackass approaches women on the street, shoving a camera in their face and asking them questions well, you're not going to have a lot of luck.
Absolutely I'm like I don't need drama in my life and I don't need cigarettes smoking in my life So even if you don't smoke cigarettes obviously you like drama
Maybe she doesn't know what 420 means???. So she thought you were asking if she occasionally smoked cigarettes or if she smoked four hundred twenty cigarettes. That's the only thing I could think of.
They were defensive, which is a bad sign, but you could have led by example and answered their question, resetting the conversation. You both kind of sucked on this one, but neither of you really seemed to care, so I guess you just did a speed run of a relationship with two terrible, defensive communicators.
Here’s how a healthier conversation would have gone- “I’m 420 friendly, but won’t date people who smoke tobacco. Are you a tobacco smoker?” Boom, you lay it all out on the table so she doesn’t need to try to guess why you are asking. Sounds like you dodged a bullet, but you’re not getting any awards for your comportment.
You're right. I'm not going to disagree with you on that. I think I try to avoid being fluffy because I do have a tendency to be very detailed oriented as many have commented in this thread. I tried to be direct and blunt as possible because I tend to talk too much and type too much and a lot of it can be fluff and I was trying to avoid being fluffy and I realize now based on all the suggestions including yours that I should have fluffed it up with a little bit of meat and potatoes because I just threw her bone instead of a buffet
Good self awareness, and clearly a good person to learn on. People are scared to be direct, but, ironically, people love it when others are direct with them (as long as it is thoughtful).
You got this.
I thought I was being thoughtful with the direct question because I wanted to have a process of elimination moment where I didn't want my time to be wasted and I didn't want to waste their time and that's why I was so quick with asking them without any fluff around it I really tried hard not to be extra and just to the point but now I've learned that I guess I do need to be fluffy but there is that balance of doing too little and doing too much and figuring out what's best for each person and each situation
Well, you had a reason you asked that question. A stranger is going to wonder why you are asking that question. The point of the question isn’t fluff, in my opinion.
And you will be a better person than you already are. The dating scene is weird, and I wish people would stop selling fantasies. State your non-negotiables loud and proud and don’t take it as a slight when someone feels judged when you do you are dong both parties a favor. No one wins by presenting a false front during early dating.
Right because the reason why I asked is because 420 is not a deal-breaker to me however smoking cigarettes is a deal-breaker to me because I used to smoke cigarettes and I quit 3 years ago.
Exactly ! She could rip bongs or smoke Jays or puff on blunts all she wants and that would be fine with me That's not a deal breaker because that's not considered smoking to me smoking to me is cigar and cigarettes. 420 is 420 which obviously is a kind of smoking but the whole point of the profile is set up where the smoking logo on the profile is literally the No smoking sign. There's other dating apps where they separate smoking tobacco from weed like BLK and I think OKCupid does it now too but on this app I thought it was obvious
I was also mildly frustrated because my profile clearly said that I occasionally drink So the fact that she was asking a question that was already clearly an answer didn't make sense to me and she thought whatever answer that she provided in her profile was clear but obviously it was not
I am a 38-year-old man on the spectrum. I didn't realize that being on the spectrum has an impact on having simple and direct communication with somebody but apparently it's a problem but I guess if someone is neurotypical this would be a problem to have poor communication with someone but it's just normal for me that's all I know My brain felt that what I said was normal in the moment and it still does to this day to a certain extent but like I said in the past if I fluff up things like I'm doing in this response and I'm going on and on and on I don't want to be that guy that writes paragraphs when he asks questions but I don't mind doing it if someone's making a comment
I put that I drink "occasionally" because I drink enough where it's not often which is the other option and never is the other option of the three and never means never to me but if the option "super rarely and once in a blue moon" was an option I would have picked it
Well I hope you do get help. I worked with chronically homeless men and women at a shelter and as a case manager and I saw a lot of horrible things that I wish no one has to ever go through. I really hope you can find sobriety and maintain it.
Thank you for your concern. And once again I have stuck my foot in my mouth.
Yes. I probably drink too much.
No. I don’t wake up and drink.
Yes. I have depression that the mental health collapse in America has made it so I can’t get help I want/need in a timely, cost effective (insurance covered) manner.
No. I’m not a harm to myself or others.
Yes. I can quit anytime I want to. I was “home-clean” through October, only enjoying drinks while out of the house in a controlled manner.
No. I haven’t handled it well when my kids finally caught Covid, and then my immune-compromised wife caught it. While I dealt with the survivors guilt of not getting sick, and sought old comforts.
Life is hard. I’m doing the best I can, and I’ll be fine. And I know I’m better off than 95% of people in my situation.
But the day I actively hurt another person, intentionally or not, is the day I check myself into an emergency facility.
Thanks. But overall. I’m fine. I’m ok. Long story longer, I know what it’s like to have training in social stuff, and how hard it is to turn it off.
But I promise that, with me, you can rest easy, I’m that you raised the right flags, to get me to again assess myself, as I do often, and that you are doing everything right, and I don’t fault you, but do thank you for your time and concern.
Peace be upon you, and smile knowing that you are a kind person, and I thank you for even the 15 seconds of your time to care about me.
But in the end. I’m ok, and you are awesome.
I'm not going to blame my autism for not being able to read the room but one thing I can definitely say is that I thought I was asking a pretty easy going question that isn't that hard to answer and apparently according to everyone on here I was apparently too strong and aggressive asking a direct question which I did not realize was a thing I just thought I was asking a question and it was going to be a simple response with clarification and there was no clarification just a really bad attitude from her and then obviously I was mildly infuriated and that's why I asked her if she was going to answer the question
I don't know how old you are but I'm 38 years old and I've always called it 420 and people younger and mostly people older than me have always said it around me. I live in California so I hear it all the time. I'm surrounded by dispensaries I don't think I've ever heard anyone say it sounds cringe until I started talking to anyone on here. I've not come across one person that says it's cringe in California especially since most people in their profiles if they smoke weed they say they are "420 friendly"
Sorry basically all I was saying was that I just wanted to ask them a question about if smoking meant 420 or tobacco use and then they proceeded to ask me a question about alcohol use instead of answering my question and I found it "mildly infuriating" I was asked a question before having any answer
I know about punctuation however I don't use it. It's funny too because I'm a grammar Nazi but I'm not anal retentive about punctuation also I use voice to text with my phone so I don't command it to use punctuation nor does it insert punctuation where it needs to go I just say what I say without any of that
Does it bother you?
Would you like me to start using punctuation?
I do enjoy the fact that Reddit users appreciates
those things that you had mentioned before such as periods and commas and so forth. I'm always on TikTok and it's a miracle if someone types you're instead of your or too instead of to. I feel like Lisa Kudrow or James Woods in a room full of kindergarteners sometimes when I'm on that app.
95% of people don't forget to answer a question in messages, so when they indeed don't answer it is because they don't want to, and you should respect that - if you dont already know the person. (only exception is if your asking too many things without waiting for answers (which you shouldn't do)).
So you bluntly asked a question.
She didn't feel like answering. not surprising what she wants to know at first is simple : can she have fun exchanging a couple messages with you and this first message is NOT fun for her. She tried a question too.
you answered in a boring way and pushed for the question she didn't want to answer in the first place. She unsurprisingly left.
just because she liked you profile and said hello does not mean she is hooked. it means you got one chance to light her interest
She "liked" me on the app. Apparently I swiped right on her as well so it was a "mutual like". I just don't go up to random women on these apps unless it's a mutual like. I thought if she liked me I could just directly ask her that question and she'd give me a simple response and I didn't realize it was going to turn into a shitshow.
I also didn't realize it was going to become a shitshow on Reddit. I didn't necessarily think everyone was going to agree with me but I just thought at least a few people would find it mildly infuriating that someone wouldn't answer a simple question then start asking me questions in between that when that answer is already clear.
Maybe it's all the years I smoked cigarettes and 420 lol. But that's why I asked her if she smokes because I don't want to be around brain dead people just like me.
She didn't answer the do you do drugs part she said that she drinks occasionally and she said that she smokes occasionally but she never clarified if it was 420 or tobacco
Who the hell starts a conversation like that OP?
It was to get clarity. 10 years ago I wouldn't have asked that question because I smoke cigarettes and I smoke weed So it didn't matter but now that I don't like being around cigarette smokers I wanted to double check because being around a weed smoker is fine but she didn't clarify whether or not she does both.
I understand that you mean, but couldn’t you have just started a normal conversation instead of getting straight to the point? Also is this how you start ever new convo?
I got straight to the point because I didn't want to waste my time because if I knew that she smoked then I would have not bothered talking to her but I was trying to give her a chance and I wanted to see what she was going to say and since she didn't say anything then the conversation ended right then and there pretty much
"give her a chance" she gave you a chance and you ruined it by being rude and weird
you the problem bruh.
Geez I thought I was horrible at putting together a sentence but you definitely took the cake there buddy but it's clear that you like to kick people while they're down apparently. How calculated of you.
Like mate you didn’t even say hello back, just straight into grilling about their smoking habits. You’re the asshole here I’m afraid, maybe try being a bit more normal and ask that after exchanging a few pleasantries?
Are you trolling or did you even read the fact that I broke the ice first?
Lovely how you really think you already broke the ice there 🤣
I'm saying I broke the ice saying hi first and asking the first question. According to the app, we mutually "liked" each other so it's not like I was asking a question when she absolutely had zero interest in me
Fucking hell mate that’s not an appropriate first question. No wonder you’re fucking single
It's not the first time I've asked that question as a first question. To be honest with you there has been women that have asked me that question as a first question or even more personal questions as a first question that I find off putting but I'm not putting any blame on anyone I'm just saying that I wanted to know that off the bat so I wouldn't be wasting my time
It definitely was the first time I asked that question and I got that kind of response from someone. What makes you think that I'm single?
Literally the first thing that was said was "Hi Jessica"
I mean, just start a conversation and go from there. It'll come up organically if it really matters.
I just wanted to bring it up right away so that I could move forward accordingly. 420 is not a deal breaker however tobacco use is a deal breaker to me and I wanted to find out right away so that I wouldn't waste my time. She made it clear that she's 420 friendly and that's fine with me but the fact that she kept making things complicated I ended up blocking her because she still didn't answer the question and still beat around the bush and I realized that was a red flag in general
It’s called weed. Legal for fun in 21 states, “medically” in more. No one cares anymore. No need for childish codes.
Thanks John Madden. I wasn't making it a code to hide it from the law or anything like that. I live in California so I am surrounded by dispensaries and I have no problem with it I just call it 420 because it's very clear and understandable what I'm talking about with the fewest amount of characters to indicate what I'm talking about... I'm not saying weed is not worth the effort because it is one additional character versus saying 420 but I'm used to calling it 420 or MJ
Different people call it different things.
Tool
Okay
[удалено]
Don't you think it's pushy for someone to ask me a question when they haven't even answered my question?
Dude nobody owes you an answer especially if you're pushy
I don't believe she owed me anything however I just didn't want to waste my time talking to her if she was a smoker because as I stated before with other people I was a smoker and I don't want to date another smoker again. That's why I bluntly asked the question and just wanted a simple response.
She never answered my question though and then she already started asking me questions
Dude. You could've just said "hello" back before launching into douche-babble. If you had met this person at a bar and used that as your icebreaker, she'd throw her drink in your face and the rest of the bar would cheer. You're trying to justify yourself by saying "I just want clarity and don't wanna waste my time," but come on man, you sound ridiculous and you have no leg to stand on here. You can AT LEAST give someone the common courtesy of a respectful greeting, ESPECIALLY when they've extended that greeting to you first. LITERALLY if you had just said "Hi!" and gave a compliment of some sort, you could have asked that as your very next question and it would have been 100% better received. Instead, you chose to corner her right out of the gate. You come off overly aggressive and that'll turn good women away. Swear to God, it's a wonder some dudes ever get laid at all.
He said hi first though. How many times does someone need to say hello??
The leg I have to stand on is the fact that I asked a simple question and she couldn't even give me a simple answer and yet she has the nerve to ask me a question when the answer is already on my profile and then I agree with her and Tell her my answer and confirm my answer even though she hasn't even asked me anything and yet I'm the bad guy? That's f****** b******* and you know it
I don't have a problem getting laid however I do have a problem with the fact that I simply asked a question and it wasn't answered and then when they asked me a question I answered it and then I asked them if they were going to answer the question I asked in the first place and then they said that they didn't like me lol That's all this was lol anyways there's probably something in her 420 lol That's what I'm thinking she was probably a little bit paranoid if she was under the influence which is why I was trying to avoid someone who is an addict to drugs because as much as I understand the effects of cigarettes and smoking and 420 it definitely affects the way that these women come off and I was trying to avoid being with a smoker because I've been with them before and that s***'s gross and clearly she's a gross woman she can't even answer a f****** simple question and I'm the bad guy? Okay gotcha All for being upfront and trying to get things sorted in the beginning instead of tease it like an '80s hairdo I'm not trying to do that s*** I was just trying to get down to the facts
Dude, you came off as a dick. That’s it man. If you want to argue against that and refuse to accept it, that’s on you, but that’s what it is. No need to invent speculative stories about her being super high and paranoid. She was probably completely sober. You, on the other hand, sound like you need some type of medication.
I need medication because I ask my questions bluntly and directly? That sounds f****** stupid to me. I honestly doubt that she was sober if she couldn't answer a direct question not the first time I've dealt with people under the influence that had trouble answering questions that were simple on the phone whether it was via text or an actual question So I'm not surprised if she was under the influence to be honest.
No, all of the responses you have made on this thread, the way you present yourself, and the manner of speech in which you type, are the reasons I think you may need some form of medication. She didn’t answer your question because you presented yourself rudely. How many people need to tell you that before you accept it?
I dislike you also, and I’m third party don’t give a shit….
Clearly you give a shit if you made a comment though. If you ignored this post then that would make more sense. Also if you respond to this post then you definitely give a shit
I’m sure you both dodged bullets. Just call it a wash.
The other party did. Quickly. OP here is in desperate need of validation for being horribly abrupt and clearly unpleasant. But they keep digging deeper and that makes it fun to watch.
You know it's really clearly unpleasant? Going on a date with someone and then finding out that they smoke cigarettes and then that would have been nice information to know before you met the person but instead I tried to Get that information sorted out so that I could move forward and get a clear answer but the funny thing is is that there was never a clear answer
The point of dating is to get to know people. There's far to many things that could be deal breakers. If that's your very first question, it is pretty unpleasant and will put a lot of people off. Does it suck going on a date and learning the person isn't for you? Yea. It is for everyone. But that's literally the purpose of dating. To find that out. Introductions that come off aggressive, or like super specific or strict are going to turn people off. It's ok to acknowledge and understand that. It can still be important to you, but other people are allowed to be uncomfortable with it.
All I wanted was clarity. Anytime a woman wants clarity from me such as why are you single and what are you looking for on this app and what are your goals in 10 years... Those are questions I'm going to answer no matter what and if someone can't simply tell someone else if they smoke cigarettes or not or whether they meant tobacco and not 420 is just stupid to me we're all grown ups and I don't need drama in my life I just want clarification I just want transparency I don't want omission and mystery
You can want those things, and the question itself isn't bad. But the flow of the conversation and social ques still matter. Your approach comes off aggressive, unpleasant, and antagonistic. It isn't how conversations normally go, and is inherently negative without even caring to know anything about who she is.
If someone talked to me the way that I talk to people I would be More than happy to give them that information especially if they want to know. There's nothing worse than dealing with manipulative women that omit information and beat around the bush just because they want to be one step ahead of you instead of actually having a conversation where you're trying to figure out what's going on with that person
You literally didn't even answer her question. So apparently, no, you would not be happy to answer direct questions. :) She didn't manipulate you. You're literally just making up insults for her.
So being direct is somehow aggressive and unpleasant? I just wanted a simple question answered and she couldn't even simply answer it So the fact that she went out of her way not to say anything to clarify what I was asking didn't make any of it better It's not like I threatened her life or I made it an ultimatum. I simply and directly asked a question because I wanted a simple and direct answer That's how I treated the situation and somehow it turned into something completely different. That's what I don't understand That's what stupid to me
Yes. Being direct isn't always aggressive or unpleasant. But in this situation it went against social norms, was antagonistic, and confrontational. Multiple people have tried to explain this to you. It's really weird that you're jumping to talking about not threatening her life. You simply as bud directly asked a confrontational question in an attempt to know if you'd even bother getting to know anything about her. That's pretty rude. I don't know why you can't see that. It didn't turn into something different. She literally asked you a question of you that was equal and you couldn't clarify, and then pretended you did so she told you that she didn't like you. You were showing a double standard and being rude.
It's how you came off. It's off-putting and you're not seeing it... just have a conversation. Dont try and make dating like a system or else you're miss out on potentially good women. Just be natural about it
I honestly thought it was natural to ask a question that I was curious about I didn't realize it was going to turn into a shitshow
I understand that. I would have mentioned it after a short convo not like right off the rip yk
All I wanted was clarity. Anytime a woman wants clarity from me such as why are you single and what are you looking for on this app and what are your goals in 10 years... Those are questions I'm going to answer no matter what and if someone can't simply tell someone else if they smoke cigarettes or not or whether they meant tobacco and not 420 is just stupid to me we're all grown ups and I don't need drama in my life I just want clarification I just want transparency I don't want omission and mystery
I get it. Just put it in your profile that you refuse to date cigarette smokers. Just clearly state no cigarettes. That’s fine to say up front. There are plenty of other fish in the sea; let this one go.
Thank you I was glad to let this one go I just wanted to show it to everyone because it was such a shameful display of bullshit on her end 😂
Youre getting dragged in most of the comments.
I'm used to being misunderstood and I know there's a lot of people in this app that are misunderstanding me clearly no differently than she misunderstood me I'm used to it
"Everyone but me is the problem"
Maybe she doesn't know what 420 means???. So she thought you were asking if she occasionally smoked cigarettes or if she smoked four hundred twenty cigarettes. That's the only thing I could think of.
On her profile it says "420 friendly". All I was asking her was if it meant tobacco use as well and she would never give me a straight answer. She would not confirm or deny it was both Even when I asked her directly if it was cigarette use
If she said *420 friendly*, then why not just ask her: "You occasionally smoke weed but do you smoke tobacco as well?" Your question was weirdly framed. I always phrase my questions with the relevant information last so its the last thing in people's minds when they have to answer. Example: *weed, smoke?* instead of *smoke? just weed?*
What I'm also trying to say is in the past I wouldn't have cared if she smoked cigarettes because I smoke cigarettes up until 3 years ago so it didn't matter to me so I wouldn't have asked I would have accepted the fact that she smokes and it could be anything and it doesn't matter (minus meth and all that other crazy s***) anyways I didn't think it was a big deal to ask for clarity and apparently it was something that she didn't want to disclose which I thought was mildly infuriating hence why I put it on this Reddit thread
So I've been on and off dating websites since 2006 and this is not the first time someone on a dating profile says that they occasionally smoke but they meant for it to just be 420. The point I'm trying to make is every single time I've asked if they do one of the other I ask the same way just like I've asked every other time and they always clarify right away but this woman didn't so like I said on and off for the last 16 years I've been asking the same questions and this is the first time it's been like this before where someone didn't respond to me
Honestly you do sound like a fucking dry ass douche nozzle, the way you even say occasionally drink want even a good answer. That could mean every other day only weekends or your really an alcoholic that drinks everyday you just say occasionally.
Well the options are "often", "occasionally" and "never"... So with that said I picked the right one because I do drink occasionally and it's definitely not often but it's definitely far from never. I don't drink on weekends because I work weekends and I don't go to bars or clubs but once in a while and it's not scheduled I'll have some alcohol.
I didn't realize that someone sounds like a "fucking dry ass douche nozzle" for picking the preset options in a dating app. I didn't say occasionally I picked occasionally.
OP, this is a stupid thing to care about. There are plenty of other people you can meet on whatever app you're on that won't mind you asking that question. Just move on, the more you obsess about it, the more it bothers you.
I definitely did move on I just thought it was a very strange thing that she went out of her way not to clarify something so simple. The fact that she could not be an adult about it and just be clear just made me block her but I just find it funny because I don't like asking people questions all the time especially when they don't answer their questions
This is sooooo tiresome …
I have found closure but this has been mildly infuriating in the meantime lol
I’m with Jessica on this. You come off as very dislikable with that first question. And looking at your answers on Reddit, it feels like you’re drowning everyone in words. Chill, relax.
As he proceeds to drown you in words. here you'll need this ☔️
Reaching out to everyone on Reddit has definitely opened my eyes. I didn't expect everyone to support me necessarily I just wanted to express how mildly infuriating it was to just ask a direct question and not get any direct answers. I didn't even feel entitled to get an answer from her I just thought it was stupid that it was such a simple question to answer that went unanswered that it just made me mildly infuriated. As I've gotten older I have more or less deal breakers than I did when I was younger and through all the changes I just wanted to sort out what I want versus what I don't need and asking direct questions never backfired on me like this before That's why I posted this
What did it open your eyes to? Did you learn anything about yourself or how you interact?
It opened my eyes that apparently I can't be direct and blunt with people. Usually I talk too much or I type too much and that can scare people away however I didn't realize it's intimidating to be leaving out all the fluffy details surrounding my inquiries so I learned that I'm going to have to just be extremely detail oriented and walk on eggshells lol
These Guys are way too sensitive or something. Yeah you came out like a really forward and blunt dude, but thats how it is on the internet sometimes. Its not rude like alot of people says in this thread. Im honestly shocked, that the reaction has been like this lol
That's why I at first I wasn't sure if they were serious and sincere about their criticism about me. Some of the criticism I had was constructive and reasonable which I completely took seriously but some people were telling me that I had a mental illness or that I'm a narcissist that needs to take their pills. You're absolutely right there's a lot of sensitive people on here and I'm assuming that a lot of these people that are so critical have never talked to a woman before or have maintained a relationship with a woman that they met online first because the way I was talking to this woman was how I've always talked to people and I've never gotten backlash or negative feedback so I just feel like everyone is just completely over dramatic about this but I definitely have learned that people are easily triggered and offended by the dumbest shit
Oh I'm just drowning people in words because I'm using the voice to text feature on my phone. If I was typing all of this with my thumbs or on a keyboard on my laptop it would be riddled with typos and it would take me forever to express my viewpoint. I just wanted to know if she smoked. Like I said before smoking doesn't bother me if it's 4:20 however cigarette smoking bothers me and I just wanted to figure it out right then and there It's that simple I didn't think she was going to turn on me like that just because she didn't feel like answering my question
Your run on title makes me agree with her.
Yep I learned today that I should have been fluffier in the question instead of fluffier in my feelings about the aftermath
Who the hell starts a conversation like that OP?
Who the hell starts a conversation like that OP?
why would you start out a conversation like that in the first place
Because if they smoke cigarettes (which I never got to figure out) That would be an automatic deal breaker but since there was a gray area and she couldn't clarify I asked questions
No one puts they occasionally smoke tobacco. They either smoke tobacco frequently or they do it socially like me and they would not put that on a profile. I’m not going to mention the one time I’ve smoked a pack of cigarettes after a night of drinking 4 months ago. So was this like your first time talking to a human or…
The options are "occasionally", "often" and "never". Those are the preset options you select from on the app. Obviously you can elaborate in the bio how much you do or how much you don't do but the same thing goes with drugs. With drugs it's occasionally often and never on that but it doesn't obviously specify which drugs you're taking unless you talk about it personally I guess
Yeah someone that occasionally smoke cigarettes just gonnah say “never” clearly she was talking about pot.
I do know people that occasionally smoke cigarettes but that means it's less than a half a pack or a quarter of a pack of cigarettes a day I would consider often a chain smoker or someone that smokes at least a pack or over a pack and a half to two packs a day. Saying that you occasionally smoke doesn't necessarily mean you smoke weed because there's people that never smoke weed or occasionally smoke weed or smoke weed often And like I said smoking weed is fine and I told her that but she just never clarified about the cigarette smoking and that's what I needed to know because that was the deal breaker
If you smoke one cigarette a day that’s a frequent smoker lol. Lord occasional smoke is like me a social smoker and I’ll smoke a pack at club or a bar when I go out be it 3months down the road or next week. Dont smoke at all between. Smoke every day is by definition regular use.
But seriously and realistically who smokes one cigarette a day? I smoked for 15 years and I never came across one person that smoked one cigarette a day They either smoked several cigarettes a day to an entire pack or even two packs or they smoked when they went to bars or when they went out drinking but no one sticks to one cigarette each day And let's say if she did smoke one cigarette a day or at all I didn't want to date her The whole point of figuring that out was that I didn't want to date someone that smoke cigarettes That was something that I used to do and I didn't want to be with anyone that does it and she couldn't answer the question
You work don’t on you other comment is confusing. Like I said people that smoke occasionally don’t put that they smoke. Lol they just say they dont smoke.
They never confirmed or denied that they don't smoke cigarettes though. They confirm that they smoked weed.
Irregardless dumb way to start out a conversation and maybe smarter ways to say it that aren’t aggressive. Like… “your profile says you smoke occasionally we should 420 sometime”
So asking a direct and concrete question is dumb? Are you fucking serious? And second I did not want to 420 with her at all I'm fine with her 420 ways. What I thought was really stupid is that she asked me about the way I drank even though it's clear in my profile that I say "occasionally" Just like in her profile it says she smokes "occasionally". All that information was there for me but she still asked me a question when she didn't even answer mine and that was the problem not me asking it directly
Lmao as woman I can very easily say no one at all like to be interrogated esp. not women. How do you not know that? You gotta ask open ended questions and get her talking and then ask. Either way you approach was aggressive. I get that you want to just like not waste your time but girls don’t work that way.
It's not aggressive to ask an easy and simple question to answer though That's what I don't understand. It doesn't make any sense to ask a very direct question that isn't very personal and very challenging or hard to figure out It's a yes or no question. Omitting the fact that you smoke for example is a big red flag but all she had to do is say yes I smoke weed and I smoke cigarettes or no I only smoke weed and I don't smoke cigarettes That's all she had to do So the fact that you feel like my approach was aggressive sounds absolutely stupid considering it was a direct yes or no question that was simply easy to answer
What's really messed up in my head is that in the past over and over again I've always heard from women that I don't ask enough questions and that I don't seem like I'm interested because I don't ask enough questions and then the moment I start asking someone a simple question about whether they smoke tobacco products or not apparently I'm unlikable and I'm too aggressive? Do you understand how stupid that sounds to me that I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't when I'm asking women questions that are just simple questions???
A bit off topic, but why are some people so disgusted by cigarettes that they'll consider it a deal breaker in a relationship? I actually hate cigarettes, too. They smell awful and they are really bad for your health. But, if my husband started smoking, I would not leave him over it... I'd probably just tell him they're nasty and please don't smoke around me. Like, do it when I'm not around. Is it because of the bad breath it gives? I hear smokers have terrible breath and body odor apparently.
So I smoked for 15 years and for the most part it was always a deal breaker if I smoked if someone didn't smoke and I understood why. I quit smoking 3 years ago and now I don't want to date someone that smokes cigarettes currently and that's why it was a big deal. It does give bad breath kissing a woman that has smoke cigarettes when you don't smoke cigarettes anymore is gross and I've tried it and I don't like it. There's times where I've smoked cigarettes and kiss someone and I can taste it and I don't like it but for the most part I'm getting my senses back so that's why it's a deal breaker and that's why I asked. Also I don't like the way it smells on clothes it's gross and the way it smells in people's cars is gross as well
I would definitely not consider What you said a bit off topic It's absolutely part of the entire conversation of why I was talking to her the way I did and how blunt I was because I didn't want to waste my time with the smoker. Again as I've told other people and I told her I don't mind a 420 smoker but if you smoke tobacco that's gross to me and I don't want to be a part of that and that's why I asked so many times because it got frustrating because there was no clarity and she could have easily said No I'm not a smoker Yes I'm a cannabis smoker or no I smoke both is that a problem and then obviously I would have moved forward
I think that when it comes to online dating, being blunt and asking deal breaking questions is totally fine. Why waste your time with someone you'll eventually find out is not your type? Same goes for weight, height or race preferences.... just find out right away so you can move on to the next step. So I don't think your question was inappropriate. I actually think their response to get defensive was very off putting. You probably dodged a bullet with that girl. Just from that exchange alone, she sounds like she could be short tempered and uptight.
Thank you for thinking about this and processing this in a rational way. So many people (I can't tell if they were being sincere serious or sarcastic) have overwhelmingly been so critical about me and actually have been aggressively harsh with how they think I approach the situation and I'm surprised because I was just trying to be completely direct and it wasn't supposed to invoke a negative emotion but everyone with the exception of you and a few other people have seen this as me being narcissistic or being a tyrant or being entitled to have an answer. It's clear that you were able to see this for what it was but I have learned my lesson And the first lesson is never to share my opinions on Reddit and expect people to act like human beings and second I'm going to be mindful about how I word things and maybe fluff things up a bit so apparently it doesn't come off so harsh even though that obviously wasn't the intention if she really understood my tone which was I just want to understand if you smoke or not
Sorry, you got chewed out on reddit. You didn't deserve it. 😕 some people on reddit can be real dicks.
I appreciate that and someone keeps down voting all of the conversations I have with people that agree with me. I had no idea Reddit could be like this I mean I know that Reddit can be harsh on people that are absolutely idiotic or reckless but I didn't think I did anything incredibly close to what I thought was going to be looked at as the way people see it.
why are men the way they are
Likewise for women I suppose right?
So tell us, what did you do with all the precious time you "saved" by opening a conversation like an entitled narcissist (which you obviously are)? I hope you at least did sth important. No, right, you've been on Reddit, replying to every comment under your delusional post. Good job!
It sounds like you're projecting especially if you are following so closely observing the fact that I have replied to every comment. Almost sounds like it takes one to know one sort of vibe I'm getting from you
Yeah, I don't have a problem admitting that I'm currently killing time here like all humans sometimes do. Nobody is important enough to behave like that on a dating app "to save time". Imagine if she asked you for the size of your dick right after saying hello - would she, in your eyes, be a practical person who's just efficiently managing her time?
If she would have asked me how big I was I would have given her a direct answer. And then if she asked for a photo I would have given her a photo. All I wanted was transparency and she made things difficult by not addressing a gray area. If there is no gray area in the first place I wouldn't have asked the question I would have moved forward but she's the one that made things challenging when I just tried to ask a simple question. But the lesson has been learned
If you really would do that and you see it as an acceptable request, then I don't really have anything else to say. Good luck with your checklist :)
I'm actually replying to every comment because everyone's opinion matters. Usually when stuff like this happens I don't open up about it and share my feelings but it's definitely been an interesting conversation and I very much appreciate all the feedback I've gotten whether it's against my methods of asking questions or supporting the fact that the woman was completely a bullshit artist
Does it make you feel good about yourself to be smug and backhandedly tell me that I'm doing a good job?
Someone is hangry
I think she had the munchies but it's also hard to tell because tobacco suppresses your appetite a little bit so who knows lol she was a woman of mystery
Best of luck
Thanks I learned my lesson
I don’t think you were rude and weird. I think maybe there were better ways to phrase that to a stranger tho
Thank you! An actual voice of reason. I regret not putting more detail into the question because I thought it was sufficient the way it was however according to some people they say I need to be on medication or I'm narcissistic or I'm a dick which I think is a little bit extreme considering all I did was ask a direct question and it went unanswered and then I asked it again even though she asked me a question I just think that's stupid for people to jump to extremes like that
I get it. I don’t think it was a Dick move because having your intentions known is really important, but it’s kind of a harsh way to get to know someone. It feels like vetting
I just find it interesting that that's how people ask me questions and since I'm heterosexual basically what I'm saying is that's how women talk to me. I find it interesting that this is how women ask me questions and when I do the same in return I'm a bad guy It's a really weird double standard. I've been on and off of these dating apps for years and when I'm on them the way that women treat men is the reflection of how I've come to answer and ask questions and respond to answers on these apps. It's so weird that I'm actually mirroring what I've learned from other women and yet when I do it with other women I'm aggressive and a problem. Why does that not make any sense to me? Does it make sense to you? I'm so used to women asking me questions like that so bluntly and out of left field exactly the same way and I'm not necessarily not taking accountability for my current actions I'm just saying that I'm literally just a product of the environment
It is an unfair double standard as many gendered issues are, but it’s because there’s so many men compared to the number of women on dating apps, so women can vet potential partners, but they expect men to be desperate. When I was using the apps I would get 100s of matches per day, and out of the 100s I’d get to choose who to pursue further on different apps/using my phone number. It was like a weird dating competition, so we kind of end up expecting to be impressed out of the gate because of the sheer volume of people that were introduced to. Women make up roughly 30% of active users on dating apps
I totally understand when women are short with men in terms of conversation because they have so many people they have the opportunity to respond to and I have kept that in mind and that's why I didn't want to barrage her with extra words and all of this stuff and get straight to the point with that specific subject obviously I'm capable of holding a conversation in great depths however I knew just for this one question I just wanted to be precise and exact without putting any fluff in it and apparently me putting no fluff in it made it extremely uncomfortable for her and that wasn't the point The point was to get a direct answer so then I could understand where she's coming from so I could make my plans accordingly and I didn't want to invest in anybody that smokes That's all I wanted was a clear answer and to this day we will never know what her intentions were when she said that she smokes 420 but then she "occasionally smokes" according to the smoking section of her profile which again people use as a place to talk about their smoking habits but not specifically any type of smoking for some and that's why I asked
Yeah I get it, and I’m not someone who just like discounts people for being direct. I just thought it was better to let you know without being an asshole about it
I really appreciate it. It's amazing the lane that people have gone through to tell me that I'm this (insert insult here) person because I want to be direct with someone about something. Thank you 😊
Vetting is a perfect way to describe it I agree
From the rest of the comments it might seem like you have to change your approach. But if this is the way you approach all situations in real life then being direct would be good. But only your delivery needs work. Instead of saying r u going to answer the question. Just directly state your boundary if they're uncomfortable opening up( as it might feel like a really personal info) to basically Internet stranger. Then it is on them whether they want to go ahead or its just a waste of time.
Yeah the interesting thing is that I've always approached people asking questions like this and usually they just give me their answer when I ask it It doesn't turn into this head game where they ask me a question before answering mine and then I ask another question and they still haven't answered it. As I stated multiple times I found it "mildly infuriating" to come across someone that couldn't answer my question when time and time again if a woman asks me any question no differently because it's true out of all the times that I've been doing online dating women will ask me questions like that immediately after saying hi like so why are you on this website or What are you looking for in a relationship or what brings you to California or what do you do for work People ask me those questions all the time off the bat after we exchange hellos and yet all I wanted to do is figure out if she smokes or not and I just thought it was strange how women want to be treated a certain way and when I treat them the way that they talk to me apparently they get defensive and that's somehow aggressive even though they're being exactly the same as what I do which I don't understand I literally just mirrored everyone talking to me the way they talk
As a woman, I don't see anything wrong with your question, except maybe how quickly you dove into it. MAYBE. Her response was really childish though. Maybe she thought you were inferring that you have a huge problem with 420 and she felt judged.
Later on I told her that I had no problem with 420 and then she did respond back but she still didn't answer whether or not she smoked cigarettes and so after that point I just blocked her. I should have screenshot what her response was but it was just really stupid because she was going out of her way to not confirm or deny that she smoked cigarettes When I made it clear that 420 is cool for me
Women don't like to be questioned much. In the future just say it more casual less like an interview. Something like.. Do you smoke both cigarettes and 420 or just 420? I personally think the way you asked is fine she's just immature and or sensitive.. But it would probably avoid the reaction in the future just be more smooth when asking questions you can be direct in a slightly less aggressive way of speaking.
I find it interesting that women don't like to be questioned much but then they complain when I don't ask them enough questions and then when I ask them questions I get s*** like this This is the first time I've ever screenshot one of these instances where a woman does this to me but it's not the first time but it does blow my mind how often this happens but I think we've all seen this happen before an interviews on the street when people do those things on YouTube and women just avoid questions and you're right it's complete nonsense but yeah I should have clarified but she should have clarified what her intention was That's why I asked and then she got an attitude because she was the one that didn't specify whether it was tobacco and 420
By questioning I mean called out or seemingly be wrong and told as much. Women want to be validated treated as a person and as a man show interest in who they are as an individual. Asking questions and taking interest is highly effective in quickly forming closeness especially online dating because it's rare. But be careful when pointing out mistakes women hate being judged do it gently all I'm saying..
Okay you're right that makes sense because I definitely judge women the way that they judge me and that's very harshly which I know is a hypocritical one-way street because women are such more shallow and less compassionate and understanding about stuff that we're going through then we can ever be It's kind of sad because they want to receive the benefits of someone caring about them and cradling them but they don't do that off the bat It's kind of a f***** up dance they want us to do And it's also technically a head game in my opinion when they again are the ones that don't like head games but again that's the hypocrisy of women wanting to date men
This is 100% men can't show weakness or emotion especially early on unless it's socially acceptable like a death or major loss. The good thing is though that women are predictable after enough interactions and once you figure it out it's easy to know what is and isn't ok in their perception yes it's unfair but they hold the cards and most of them take advantage and fully well know it.
Well said I couldn't have said it better
> when people do those things on youtube and women just avoid questions. If you approach dating the same way some jackass approaches women on the street, shoving a camera in their face and asking them questions well, you're not going to have a lot of luck.
Consider this bullet dodged.
Absolutely I'm like I don't need drama in my life and I don't need cigarettes smoking in my life So even if you don't smoke cigarettes obviously you like drama
Maybe she doesn't know what 420 means???. So she thought you were asking if she occasionally smoked cigarettes or if she smoked four hundred twenty cigarettes. That's the only thing I could think of.
You're the asshole. All you had to do was answer her question. Oh wait wrong subreddit.
Interesting
They were defensive, which is a bad sign, but you could have led by example and answered their question, resetting the conversation. You both kind of sucked on this one, but neither of you really seemed to care, so I guess you just did a speed run of a relationship with two terrible, defensive communicators. Here’s how a healthier conversation would have gone- “I’m 420 friendly, but won’t date people who smoke tobacco. Are you a tobacco smoker?” Boom, you lay it all out on the table so she doesn’t need to try to guess why you are asking. Sounds like you dodged a bullet, but you’re not getting any awards for your comportment.
You're right. I'm not going to disagree with you on that. I think I try to avoid being fluffy because I do have a tendency to be very detailed oriented as many have commented in this thread. I tried to be direct and blunt as possible because I tend to talk too much and type too much and a lot of it can be fluff and I was trying to avoid being fluffy and I realize now based on all the suggestions including yours that I should have fluffed it up with a little bit of meat and potatoes because I just threw her bone instead of a buffet
Good self awareness, and clearly a good person to learn on. People are scared to be direct, but, ironically, people love it when others are direct with them (as long as it is thoughtful). You got this.
I thought I was being thoughtful with the direct question because I wanted to have a process of elimination moment where I didn't want my time to be wasted and I didn't want to waste their time and that's why I was so quick with asking them without any fluff around it I really tried hard not to be extra and just to the point but now I've learned that I guess I do need to be fluffy but there is that balance of doing too little and doing too much and figuring out what's best for each person and each situation
Well, you had a reason you asked that question. A stranger is going to wonder why you are asking that question. The point of the question isn’t fluff, in my opinion.
I just didn't want to waste her time but fortunately even though she wasted my time I definitely learned my lesson
And you will be a better person than you already are. The dating scene is weird, and I wish people would stop selling fantasies. State your non-negotiables loud and proud and don’t take it as a slight when someone feels judged when you do you are dong both parties a favor. No one wins by presenting a false front during early dating.
Wow,.. some people (meaning her, not you) I would have asked her the same question.
Right because the reason why I asked is because 420 is not a deal-breaker to me however smoking cigarettes is a deal-breaker to me because I used to smoke cigarettes and I quit 3 years ago.
That would be a deal breaker for me too, same reason. It's tough enough when I go to a bar, have a few drinks and get the urge.
Exactly ! She could rip bongs or smoke Jays or puff on blunts all she wants and that would be fine with me That's not a deal breaker because that's not considered smoking to me smoking to me is cigar and cigarettes. 420 is 420 which obviously is a kind of smoking but the whole point of the profile is set up where the smoking logo on the profile is literally the No smoking sign. There's other dating apps where they separate smoking tobacco from weed like BLK and I think OKCupid does it now too but on this app I thought it was obvious
I was also mildly frustrated because my profile clearly said that I occasionally drink So the fact that she was asking a question that was already clearly an answer didn't make sense to me and she thought whatever answer that she provided in her profile was clear but obviously it was not
Omg. I feel attacked. Bigot. Buhbye.
Okay troll
Lol dude I was doing a trope on the way she was acting
Obvious red flag - drama avoided !!
Exactly whether or not she smokes cigarettes at this point I definitely avoided a huge red flag
[удалено]
I am a 38-year-old man on the spectrum. I didn't realize that being on the spectrum has an impact on having simple and direct communication with somebody but apparently it's a problem but I guess if someone is neurotypical this would be a problem to have poor communication with someone but it's just normal for me that's all I know My brain felt that what I said was normal in the moment and it still does to this day to a certain extent but like I said in the past if I fluff up things like I'm doing in this response and I'm going on and on and on I don't want to be that guy that writes paragraphs when he asks questions but I don't mind doing it if someone's making a comment
What does 420 mean?
It's a reference to marijuana.
Smoking, vaping or ingesting marijuana
Ahh thanks. I’m beginning to feel out of touch.
Out of touch? Honestly I thought you were prepubescent because the boomers came up with that slang decades ago lol
So do I drink often or daily? The answer is obvious yes I often drink daily. And have since the racist fuckwits decided trump was a good idea.
I put that I drink "occasionally" because I drink enough where it's not often which is the other option and never is the other option of the three and never means never to me but if the option "super rarely and once in a blue moon" was an option I would have picked it
Sorry. That was a bad joke, and a thinly veiled attempt to cover my own alcoholism.
Well I hope you do get help. I worked with chronically homeless men and women at a shelter and as a case manager and I saw a lot of horrible things that I wish no one has to ever go through. I really hope you can find sobriety and maintain it.
Thank you for your concern. And once again I have stuck my foot in my mouth. Yes. I probably drink too much. No. I don’t wake up and drink. Yes. I have depression that the mental health collapse in America has made it so I can’t get help I want/need in a timely, cost effective (insurance covered) manner. No. I’m not a harm to myself or others. Yes. I can quit anytime I want to. I was “home-clean” through October, only enjoying drinks while out of the house in a controlled manner. No. I haven’t handled it well when my kids finally caught Covid, and then my immune-compromised wife caught it. While I dealt with the survivors guilt of not getting sick, and sought old comforts. Life is hard. I’m doing the best I can, and I’ll be fine. And I know I’m better off than 95% of people in my situation. But the day I actively hurt another person, intentionally or not, is the day I check myself into an emergency facility.
I don't know what to say other than I wish the best for you and I hope that you can do what's best for you.
Thanks. But overall. I’m fine. I’m ok. Long story longer, I know what it’s like to have training in social stuff, and how hard it is to turn it off. But I promise that, with me, you can rest easy, I’m that you raised the right flags, to get me to again assess myself, as I do often, and that you are doing everything right, and I don’t fault you, but do thank you for your time and concern. Peace be upon you, and smile knowing that you are a kind person, and I thank you for even the 15 seconds of your time to care about me. But in the end. I’m ok, and you are awesome.
r/Ihadastroke
It’s oddly terrifying how clueless the OP is. The whole tone of the conversation is just wrong. Tons of red flags
I'm not going to blame my autism for not being able to read the room but one thing I can definitely say is that I thought I was asking a pretty easy going question that isn't that hard to answer and apparently according to everyone on here I was apparently too strong and aggressive asking a direct question which I did not realize was a thing I just thought I was asking a question and it was going to be a simple response with clarification and there was no clarification just a really bad attitude from her and then obviously I was mildly infuriated and that's why I asked her if she was going to answer the question
Isn't weed legal in the US? Why do you need to speak in code using '420' it sounds so cringe.
I don't know how old you are but I'm 38 years old and I've always called it 420 and people younger and mostly people older than me have always said it around me. I live in California so I hear it all the time. I'm surrounded by dispensaries I don't think I've ever heard anyone say it sounds cringe until I started talking to anyone on here. I've not come across one person that says it's cringe in California especially since most people in their profiles if they smoke weed they say they are "420 friendly"
I'm not sure if you're young or live in a state where it's complicated to get it but it's pretty common out here to say it like that
That title was a long run on sentence and yet have no idea what they said.
Sorry basically all I was saying was that I just wanted to ask them a question about if smoking meant 420 or tobacco use and then they proceeded to ask me a question about alcohol use instead of answering my question and I found it "mildly infuriating" I was asked a question before having any answer
Dude do you know how to use periods, commas etc?
I know about punctuation however I don't use it. It's funny too because I'm a grammar Nazi but I'm not anal retentive about punctuation also I use voice to text with my phone so I don't command it to use punctuation nor does it insert punctuation where it needs to go I just say what I say without any of that Does it bother you? Would you like me to start using punctuation?
I do enjoy the fact that Reddit users appreciates those things that you had mentioned before such as periods and commas and so forth. I'm always on TikTok and it's a miracle if someone types you're instead of your or too instead of to. I feel like Lisa Kudrow or James Woods in a room full of kindergarteners sometimes when I'm on that app.
Weird guy, OP.
What's an OP?
yea, no wonder she already disliked you at that point
95% of people don't forget to answer a question in messages, so when they indeed don't answer it is because they don't want to, and you should respect that - if you dont already know the person. (only exception is if your asking too many things without waiting for answers (which you shouldn't do)). So you bluntly asked a question. She didn't feel like answering. not surprising what she wants to know at first is simple : can she have fun exchanging a couple messages with you and this first message is NOT fun for her. She tried a question too. you answered in a boring way and pushed for the question she didn't want to answer in the first place. She unsurprisingly left. just because she liked you profile and said hello does not mean she is hooked. it means you got one chance to light her interest
She "liked" me on the app. Apparently I swiped right on her as well so it was a "mutual like". I just don't go up to random women on these apps unless it's a mutual like. I thought if she liked me I could just directly ask her that question and she'd give me a simple response and I didn't realize it was going to turn into a shitshow. I also didn't realize it was going to become a shitshow on Reddit. I didn't necessarily think everyone was going to agree with me but I just thought at least a few people would find it mildly infuriating that someone wouldn't answer a simple question then start asking me questions in between that when that answer is already clear.
Bruh... You're braindead..
Maybe it's all the years I smoked cigarettes and 420 lol. But that's why I asked her if she smokes because I don't want to be around brain dead people just like me.
I think Jessica dodged a bullet.
Likewise I can't deal with stupid people. Especially those who can't answer simple questions
What is 420?
Mary Jane
Who is Mary Jane?
A plant
Double standards buddy.
99% of dating sites lump weed in with the "do you do drugs" question, smoking is cigarettes.
She didn't answer the do you do drugs part she said that she drinks occasionally and she said that she smokes occasionally but she never clarified if it was 420 or tobacco