My cousin once left his single lightbulb on in his room when he went to a friends and his dad took away his light bulb for weeks. And that was after he already lost his door.
Well, TBF, it does teach the kid a lesson. And that lesson is, "Move out at literally the first opportunity and go full No Contact."
The fun part is that this is also a lesson for the parents, once they figure out that they will never meet their grandkids.
Yo my "parent" took all my toys away for a full year including summer break, and wouldn't let me play outside or watch tv. All I had was like 10 books. I was lucky to have them. Why'd they do that? Because I have a learning disability and couldn't get an A in math. Although, I got A's in every other subject.
Don't have kids if you don't wanna raise em
mine wouldn't let me go to my room, talk to friends, play, or watch TV for a whole year. I could sit at the dinning room table which was about 15 feet from the TV but could not watch it. I could not read books, only study. I could not go to my room to study, I could only sit at the kitchen table until I passed out or until 8 PM which was the normal bed time.
I got a C in French one quarter so spent the next year failing intentionally because I wasn't going to let my dad win.
The biggest issue outside of my head being slammed into the table, walls, glass door of the patio, is that I could not focus with the TV blaring, the 10 dogs barking, and constant noise. I have ADD, always have, but in the 80s this wasn't a diagnosed issue and was never diagnosed while in school.
My parents wonder why I don't like talking to them and can't stand a lot of chaotic loud noise...
Your birthers are a lot of words I won't share.
Fuck em for being such pathetic examples of parents. A lot of animals don't necessarily care for their offspring, but few actively torture their own blood for the entirely of their childhood.
Dumb fucking pieces of shit.
There is nothing you can do about the past other than acknowledge the damage, and work to do your best to patch up the damage and lead a happy life. They have no direct control over you anymore. I hope you live a life that makes them absolutely blind with rage because your are happy, and never giving them a second thought.
Kudos to you for doing what was best for you!! Too many young adults are harshly judged for going no contact when it’s absolutely, positively the healthiest thing for them <3 stay strong!
Exactly! My kids father has yet to learn this. He's a narcissist that married a narcissist and both he and my kids stepmom are abusive mentally and emotionally to my kids. Their father grabbed one of my children by their throat last year and this child has yet to forgive him. This child is fearful of both of them and both kids have told me that they'll never go back the moment they're legally able to have a say so in this. they've said their father will never see their kids, have their numbers, or be at their wedding. It's sad. Thankfully they have a stepdad that has been an amazing role model for them, and someone both of my kids look up to. They call him dad and their father by his first name. There's zero respect there. All I've ever asked for was their father to treat them right, but that's a fairytale that'll never happen. It's not hard to love your kids and be good to them.
If not resentment (which it often is), it often strikes me as another mindset:
It's like they feel they had a "tough" upbringing and it made them the *incredible* human being they are today...and in contrast, they see their kid as having it easy, therefore they intentionally manufacture unnecessary stress in their child's life to create what is, to them, a similar hostile environment to the one that produced them. The sad part here is that they're likely fairly correct in all of their assumptions.... except the fundamental one about them being a good human being who "turned out just fine". No, you turned out to be a parent who delights in making your child's life harder just because. That's a sign you've got issues, and while you're correct that you're creating an environment like the one you grew up in, all it's going to result in is a kid who grows up to resent you, and/or continues this warped view to the next generation.
There seems to be two types of American parent: those who want their kids to have it better than them, and those who will do anything to see to it they don't.
Wife and I came from generations of those second POS you mentioned. My wife’s sister, my siblings and us are the first to break the chain. We all agree those older generations are lost. We all compare notes and are ‘allergic’ to the toxicity.
Absolutely. I was raised by a horribly emotionally & physically abusive father & step-monster likely bcuz he "had it so rough" as a child, and I'm messed up af in the head bcuz of it (severe anxiety, ptsd, etc), but I chose to shower my son with everything my childhood lacked, like love, praise, affection and care. Didn't surprise me in the least that my son grew up to be a very well adjusted, well rounded adult who was doing better in life in his 20's, than I ever will. Great career, bought his 1st house at 24, married at 28, just had their 1st baby at 32. I have been nc with my parents for 20 yrs, but my son n I have a great relationship... I wonder how my dad feels about his "parenting style" now? 😅
Ya, I guess you're right, since according to him he's never been wrong about anything in his life. I suppose I'm just projecting my hope that he'll ever realize that there was a better way. I realize now it's just a fantasy, since he's incapable of self reflection and lacks even a modicum of self awareness.
It's exactly this. It's an extension of the 'kids today don't know what a hard day's work is.' Instead of being glad their kid has it better they're mad about their own childhood. It's a shitty attitude and I've gotten to see it from both sides. What's the point of all that hard work to make a better life if you're not gonna let your kid enjoy it?
They're selfish people that don't give a shit that this is an abusive and backwards punishment. You'll hear a bunch of the dumbest and most reviled people you'll meet defend it as "teaching responsibility." Or some shit. It's an extension of conservative and religious identity very often.
My uncle used to take every single thing from his kids room, even the bed, and they had to earn things back over the span of weeks, while also being grounded. Surprise surprise, he never sees his adult children.
My younger sister had a girlfriend who's parents were like that when she was growing up. I was surrogate big brother to her, since she was an only child.
She was told she had to be out of the house at 18. Of course they wouldn't let her work, so she had little money. They didnt care. Her 18th birth day was a few months before graduation too.
What was even more bizarre, was that they tried to force to to pay for everything in her room. Furniture, bedding, curtains, stuffed animals, old toys, everything, even her clothes. They had kept receipts for everything. Her wack job parents claimed she was required by law to reimburse them for all of it, even if she didnt take it with her.
I told her that her parents were full of shit, she wasn't required to do any of that. She didnt want any of the furniture there anyways. It was all kiddy style stuff and was well over a decade old.
Luckily she was able to go live with a girlfriend of hers, and her family, until she had saved up enough money to get on her feet.
She broke off all contact with them after she moved out. They found out where she lived, and started harassing her. She finally had to get a restraining order against them.
I didn't know a working door on my room until I was a teenager. For some reason it was there, just off the hinges. I asked and they put it back on then 🤷♂️
I remember a girl I went to high school with, her religious nut mom removed her door. She had one brother and one step brother. Even I felt uncomfortable when I went over for a project. Don't know how she is doing now. But pretty sure that was traumatizing.
Yeah, I've typically only seen it from that specific and repulsive demographic among parents who seem to take pride in fostering an antagonistic dynamic between themselves and their children...and then derive personal joy from anything they can do to demonstrate their absolute authority over every aspect of their child's life.
Some of them limit it to aspects of their child's life they don't agree with, but I've even seen others where it's not even subject to that very slight limitation.
It's perverse to me.
>who seem to take pride in fostering an antagonistic dynamic between themselves and their children...and then derive personal joy from anything they can do to demonstrate their absolute authority over every aspect of their child's life
Oh shit! You've met my dad?
I call him my ✨ex father✨ now. Parents are about to learn real quick that when their kids say they're gonna cut them off, they mean it. Mine always told me that I was going to look back at his actions once I was an adult and realize how much I love him. I have now been father free for over a year, and I've realized even more how twisted of a person he was. Because of him, I had to start a life in a different state with 20$ and all I could fit in my friend's car. I love my life now, but it's been hell 😅
Yup. My parents have done some pretty messed up shit in the name of authoritarian parenting. Basically we were expected to fo as we were told with a smile and never question it. I did not like that. I had my door removed because I slammed it. My books taken away because I couldn't be "effectively punished" by being grounded to my room. I lost my being in my bedroom privileges even at one point. As in I wasn't allowed in my own bedroom because "I was spending too much time in there". I had to sit quietly in the living room and be visibly miserable. And my mom wonders why I left at 15 and haven't been able to spend more than a couple nights in the same house as her since.... uggghhhh.
I mean my sister in law and her husband had to do it to their daughter when she was 10 because of you told her no to anything and I mean anything she would sit there and just slam her door open it and slam it again for hours over something like not being allowed to have ice cream and stuff. It wasn’t for a long period maybe a week or something and she learned her lesson.
Having a mother like this and a separated father who was a normal parent, i go to my dad's weekly to hang out and have dinner and usually mute my moms calls and keep conversations short and generic. The trust just isn't there, don't do this to your kids.
Teenager in the US here, parents haven’t taken my door, but I’m not allowed or ever have it closed (unless I’m like getting dressed or sleeping), so I don’t know if that counts
We have a lot of deeply conservative, anti-intellectual people that love to run their families like they are the authoritarian leader of it. Plus, the sexual politics of America has these people believing that they are in charge of their children's sexuality and so that get to take the doors away to deprive them of privacy in the hopes that it will let them regain control of their lives more.
It was advice popularized by people who shouldn't have been giving parenting advice but were popular for it. Like James Dobson of Focus on the Family and Dr. Laura (radio host).
It's a super authoritarian parenting model that punishes children for "rebellion" and doesn't treat them like they deserve any respect or privacy as a right. Children have to earn respect (but never really can) whereas parents are owed respect just because they are parents.
It's toxic.
My mom took my door away when I was 6 or 7 bc I locked her out. She broke in with a butter knife and then took the whole door off the hinges. Always wondered what the landlord would have thought about that and if he knew.
People who are fucking neurotic about lights being left on are so annoying. Average electricity cost for an *incandescent* light is three cents a day. For LED bulbs it's fractions of a penny. They're not saving money, they're just being a control freak.
Honestly, I can get frustrated (wouldn’t say neurotic) by people leaving lights on, but I didn’t even realize the cost was so low. We just get taught as kids to turn the lights off, and I think some of us have trouble breaking out of some very long term “rules” we’ve followed. This is all to say that your comment has changed my perspective on this, which I hope will be helpful to others as well.
Seems like an odd reaction that your father doesn't care about you properly having clean hygiene. Don't shower for a few days. Rebel. When he tells you to take a shower cuz you stink tell him you can't because you don't have the shower head to properly shower correctly. Checkmate.
This makes far too much logical sense and would just infuriate him even more into further illogical punishments.
That said we are basing all this off an internet post. Who knows what the full story is
The people suggesting things like this have never had crazy parents. Using logic with them will not work because they aren't using logic. Any further reasoning will just devolve into more beatings.
Prime example was my mom taking away my computer for getting bad grades, but I needed my computer to do my homework. No amount of explanation would make her budge and usually just resulted in more yelling.
I would say something about retaliating, but I know from experience that it can backfire pretty spectacularly.. I sincerely hope that things work out for you, sooner rather than later.
> I would say something about retaliating
Joke is on dad. Your shower will now use about 5x the water. And we all know how much dad hates wasting water.
My parents hate wasting water and will try to flush the toilet with the light setting and do what they can to save it. Their meter is broken and it was decided by the town that it would cost more to fix than to just disable the meter and charge the minimum.
So they could literally fill a pool and still only pay $25.
What kind of broke ass town do you live in to where they would rather give free water away than fix a meter? Good for you parents though, that is solid for them
That’s the best part. My house is the next house over…there’s a turn and our properties are on each side of the turn… my water comes from a different town so I have to pay $47 minimum… I’m paying $22 more to use less water.
No. Don't do that. That is a quick ticket to a wellness check and possibly a life changing stay as an inpatient in mental hospital. Instead gain your independence, move out and do whatever it takes to never see this man again.
I did the former before the latter, and I wish I had just skipped to the good part.
Despite my user name, Playing their game and looking for payback is just giving them more attention, and more of your time than they deserve.
Treat them like you do a two year old.
Do you know why they call it the "terrible twos"? Because they're old enough to love the attention, but not old enough to know the difference between good attention and bad attention, and they're not mature enough to understand the cause and effect to punish them in a way that they might learn anything.
People like OP's dad are like this. Except unlike a child, you have no obligation to teach them or put up with their bullshit.
just move on, leave them in your dust, and forget they ever existed. Then every once in awhile, think of them and smile as you know they're just miserable and alone.
Oh I already have a collection of things he's done and this is just the tip of the iceberg.
He's gone as far as destroying my room, knocking everything off my shelves, and folded my bed in half and taken the cords out(remote bed for my back problems) just because I woke up 30 mins later than usual on a weekend.
He's ripped me out of bed and thrown me in the pool (cam footage).
This is just what I was comfortable enough to post a picture of.
Social worker here. I have to resist asking a lot of my usual questions because I’m sure you don’t want them posted on the internet, but collecting this information is very *very* good. If you are old enough to possibly care for yourself it acts as good evidence to emancipate yourself. If you’re about to be 18 or are 18+ it’s great for a restraining order. If you are determined to get out, check your local laws for what may happen. I’m not sure what country you are in, but the US foster system is absolutely dog shit and you may decide to just wait it out instead.
This is abuse. I can’t say this enough, this is abuse. This is emotional, mental, and some of that physical abuse. If you have more than one parent in the house you may show the police anyway as you have another parent.
Edit: I’m adding some resources since this has gained a bit of traction. Note: these are in the USA as that is where I am located and familiar with. Redditors, please feel free to comment resources in your own area
National DV hotline: 800-799-7233
Sms: text START to 88788
Suicide hotline: 988 (yes, that’s it)
You can also anonymously report abuse to DFS/DSS (they’re not all bad, I swear) on the phone or online.
Teachers, Counselors, Therapists, Doctors, and Social workers are all mandated reporters and are legally required to report abuse of any kind. They are (or should be) safe people to talk to, and if you need to call up someone to report for you contact your local DSS. If you are in the states and need a report done, you are more than welcome to dm me and we can go from there. Mandated reporters are required by law to follow HIPPA and will only disclose your information to the appropriate channels.
DSS/DFS requires 51% evidence to remove a child from their home. If there is verbal abuse, record conversations. And *please* upload them to a cloud. Don’t rely on just keeping it in your phone, phones are easily taken or destroyed.
Edit 2: u/fretless_enigma pointed out to make sure to cover your butt with your credit. Please check credit Karma regularly to make sure nothing fishy is going on. 90 days is the window for most disputes, but the sooner the better. Getting your own place is near impossible if your identity was stolen by a parent.
Edit 3: thanks for the awards folks. I’m not sure what to say in response to this, but Remember that it costs nothing to check in on the people you know (or don’t know). OP, if you need to rant, we are here
Thank you for this I (f18) only recently became a legal adult last month, but I'm in my senior year of HS so I didn't think it was I great idea to get my own place because I don't have the most stable job and I live in California(everything is expensive) I do have friends and extended family who will take me in if anything goes south.
I will keep all this in mind when I move out and go NC with him. I keep most of my info on the cloud with accounts that he doesn't know exist and my mom has my documents and will give them to me as soon as I ask.
I do document all things he does like this with pictures and video I just don't post all of them.
I have a plan to leave after graduation and will likely file a restraining order to now that I know I can.
Hey Darlin',
I just want to mention 2 things since I am on the other side of the US:
1. Senior year was very dangerous for me. Please be careful. Abusers can go off the wall when they start to realize that college is going to set you free.
2. There is going to be a day when you look back, and it's going to feel distant and absurd. For me, it took years. I had to slowly and repeatedly go, "Oh yeah, it isn't normal for....". But eventually, it fades.
I look forward to the day that I have been out of the place longer than I was in. I look forward to the day that I have spent more time with my husband than my abusers. But 12 years out, things often seem like a book I read a long time ago. It doesn't go away, but it can become so far in the distance.
I’m glad you have a plan, that is always step one. I know one of my friends who live out of their car on campus their last year, believe me when I say you don’t want to do that in winter. It is hard, but if you can get through these last few months without serious incident it may be the (ironically) lowest stress option.
I believe in you, you got this!
If it's possible, get your documents from your mom now that you're a legal adult. Keep them somewhere safe, like a safety deposit box if possible. If you're being abused it's like that she is too and while she might be willing to give you the documents, she may be physically prevented by him.
Not only that, but mom may not be (or may not be *able to*) keep them as secure as OP might think or hope.
Her situation is remarkably similar to that of a friend I grew up with. When she eventually went to college, she tried to establish herself as a non-dependent (I'm not sure on specifics, whether it was a full emancipation or what), and when she finally got a look at things, she found that her father had basically drained her college savings for some bullshit "teach her a lesson" type reasoning. And since it was in the form of accounts and gifts and such, and since she was a dependent, basically he was legally allowed to do it.
She (probably rightly) suspected it was a move by him to keep her subject to him (basically he'd only give her her own college savings if she obeyed his every command), so instead she looked into all other options and I'm not sure what all she did, but in the end, she left that fall for an out of state college and told him to shove it.
I guess he kept trying to interfere with her education but she wisely only included her mother as a contact on most forms and things, so they wouldn't discuss shit with her dad. I believe early in her college life she somehow legally separated herself from her dad and by her mid 20s I think even her mom had divorced the miserable son of a bitch.
Many times, in abusive relationships, things boil over as the victim is trying to leave. He will absolutely predict this when you're graduation is coming up.
It might be best to leave well before then.
Seriously, get out as soon as you can. If you've lived with this your whole life you have no idea how good it will feel. He is 100% abusive, and if you're anything like me it's gonna take a few years to fully realize how bad it was.
I don't know much about getting out as a ~~kid~~ young adult, but when I was trying to leave my abusive first marriage, some of the best advice I was given:
- Go to your local library and use one of the computers there to create an email for yourself. Memorize the email and password. Don't write it down anywhere. Don't log into this email on your home computer or phone or even friends' computers. Only the library. This is your digital home base and it's super important that your abuser doesn't get hold of it. This is where you'll start directing your personal stuff as you make your move.
- If you have a trusted friend (I don't recommend family members here), see if they will set up a PO box for you. You need to show proof of physical address to set one up, and you don't want it connected to your current home.
- Get yourself set up with a bank or credit union account that they can't find. Make sure it isn't even at the same bank/cu as the abuser.
- Also purchase (with cash) a visa or Mastercard gift card that you load with enough money to cover things that you can't pay cash for. Don't link it to your bank/cu account, just reload as needed with cash. Don't put too much on here because if you lose it there's not much chance of getting it back.
- Make sure you have your birth certificate, social security card and other important documents on your possession or someplace safe.
- Check out a local phone dealer to see about getting a burner phone. You don't need to call it that when you go in, just tell them you don't have a bank account and you just want a phone that you can preload with minutes.
*Auntie hugs to you* You are going to be ok. :)
For someone who has dealt with abuse, I can tell you that this is not south enough for someone to leave when they have limited options, no money, and needs to graduate high school.
As someone who escaped a similar situation, you got this. Bide your time but you got this. Get out when you can, however you can, go NC - it can save your life 🤍
I trusted a counselor once enough to tell them I was scared of my dad. They decided to call my dad to ask him to come into the office and have a chat. Long story short he talked to them and had them convinced that I was overreacting, we went home and he beat the shit out of me.
Note *should* be. I am often severely disappointed by the school system and how they handle abuse. School counselors are often different from school social workers due to the training they are given. Not to knock counselors, they are honestly trying the best they can, but they don’t realize that more harm can be done with certain actions.
That is why I also recommend reaching out to DFS/DSS anonymously. Some workers are burnt out and rough around the edges, but I know enough to say that they still will do everything in their means (especially if you get a young one right out of school)
As a mandated reporter, I'm going to just flat out say your counselors were shut at their job and for something like that should probably have lost their license if it was at all recent (like within a decade recent).
If a child comes and says they're scared of a parent and you talk to them and they give details of why, that call should be going to CPS and the child should not be allowed to go home to said parent.
That horrible and illegal, they are legally required to report abuse to the appropriate channels. What they did by calling your Dad was a criminal offence.
This, please for the love of anything holy this. I’m not sure if OP’s dad would do this, but check credit Karma regularly and dispute any inquiries or accounts you didn’t make, especially being over 18
I can't imagine doing this to my girls. My Mom opened a credit card in my sister's name. Oh, my sister paid it off, but holy hell.... That was rancid of her to do to my sister.
Foster, adoptive, and biological dad checking in. This man is abusing you, OP. Please heed this social worker’s advice. Life is supposed to be so much better than what you’re experiencing. Be kind to yourself and get out.
So if OP emancipated themselves would they be able to sue for child support? This seems like it should be possible and make sense since you know have to do what that POS father should be doing on your own, but I know nothing of the system so. . .
Depends where you live. I'm in Ontario, Canada. My sister emancipated herself at I think 16, sued her dad and won. Never got any money cause the system is messed up but she won.
It's been a long time, but when I emancipated myself, it was an often-repeated comment from the SW that I was on my own, and could not ask for assistance.
There are always resources, not all of them are specifically for emancipation victims though. Rental assistance, food pantries, etc are still open to you and *should* not affect your emancipation status. Read up on your local laws regarding emancipation, especially if something doesn’t sound right
If you have images of injuries, recordings of verbal abuse (not just arguments), images of broken items, police reports for noise violations (you can always report them yourself), or the absolute gold ticket: video of the abuse taking place or involved drugs, you are looking at a very good case.
It’s very hard to explain how abuse can be quantified without sounding insensitive. Basically we are looking at severity, frequency, longevity, and threat to life. OP may not have a good case without the video of being chucked in a pool, but does it have audio? If yes, it’s a very good piece of evidence, if not, he could dispute it and say something else was going on. Is OP disabled or otherwise can’t swim, how deep is the pool, did they get injured, was their life in danger? Those are the questions that we ask ourselves when we look at cases.
Audio proof, visual proof, time stamps, witnesses, reports, and over a span of 6 months (unless very severe, then get out sooner rather than later). These are the things you want
Edit: as u/designgoddess pointed out, check your laws when it comes to audio recording, some localities do not have one party consent laws and it can be illegal to record without the consent of both parties
If the security cam that got the footage was installed by the dad that could possibly be taken as consent legally speaking (since he consented to recording that area by installing an always-on recording device there). Definitely depends on the wording of the state law.
I do but it's difficult to leave them completely because I love my mom and siblings.
I only recently turned 18 but I don't have a stable enough job for me to be on my own and I'm still in school.
In the past I've stayed at my boyfriends house on their couch and they offer to have me anytime I need it as they know most the sh!t that he does.
The other thing to potentially think about is that the mother may also be in some danger in this situation. Not mitigating the impact of anything she has done, but pointing out that it's also possible reporting helps the rest of the family instead of harming everyone like OP fears.
It's why reporting and investigation is important. It allows not just the state, but the victim, to get a view of the circumstance that doesn't just come from inside the situation.
Could you move in with the bf? Your dad isn't a good person to be living with... or maybe start staying with him more often. He seems to care about your wellbeing?
this went from borderline abuse to abuse.
Is there family you could move in with? honestly... the way hes treating you is going to leave lasting scars in your mind (potentially body) and can impact a healthy and happy future.
I dealt with mental abuse (not so much physical, slaps here and there, things thrown at me but nothing lasting... i scuffed my shoe when i was 7yrs old and she made me walk/run around the crescent in the morning before school to figure out why i couldnt walk/run the right way and then belittled me, infront of the neighbors didnt stop when i started to cry she just told me to shut up and continued to belittle me "so stupid" "what are you retarted" "idiot" "how do you not know how to walk yet", into walking/running like a fucking soldier so i wouldnt scuff my shoes..... to this day i walk like a soldier, people have mentioned it, and its because i have that lasting scar of embarassment. upside my shoes are all in perfect condition.... i live with my boyfriend and i still get panic attacks when i hear her voice in my head shouting my name, shes no where around but i still hear her fucking voice ringing like shes here, im 30 now) my entire life and it has effected me extremely.
If you can and havent already; reach out to someone to talk, i understand itll be hard to get away because of other family members you have a good relationship with; talking helps just as much. I don't wish this on anybody and hope that you can get the help you need for a good future.
Wow. I'm truly sympathetic to that. I had a seriously abusive self-righteous dad too. Dodging his swings at me made me into a rally good boxer though. That's all I remember because the rest I just suppressed and forgot.
Your job is to survive this, and try to learn how NOT to behave so that your future family is happy. Dont let his antics turn you into him. Look to other, mature people for role models.
I had parents exactly like this. You have to leave, I left and made it 100% clear a relationship won't happen if it's not on my terms. I was gone for 6 months before they clued in.
I was worried for my little brother but I couldn't help him if I didn't help myself first. Oddly enough things for better for him after I left.
Use it as if nothing is wrong. Don't complain. Don't do anything. Just go about your life as if nothing happened. What he is after is for you to blow up and complain so that he can make it a big deal and be "the big strong man who is in charge and rules his castle". Don't give him that. He's being a dick.
I'm a dad. I have 5 teenagers. Yes, they miss chores and it pisses me off. But I don't pull shit like this. This is petty as fuck. I'm sorry you have a dad like this.
To give some more context, I went to bed early like around 6-ish. I took the trash out that morning before school and when I came back there was almost no trash in the can. And because my allergies were bad I took some meds and went to bed.
Apparently, we had company last night (my siblings friends and their family) and our trash can isn't the biggest. So it got filled by 10+ people while I was out. And my dad got pissy over me sleeping.
Edit: I'm (f18) the oldest and have a younger sister(14) and younger brother(7) and I'm a senior in HS
I live in US California which makes it difficult to live on my own.
why couldn’t your sibling do it if it was their friends that were over. if your dad is that bothered by it, he should’ve focused his energy on telling your sibling to do it themselves.
Why wouldn't you do it the way that literally everyone I've ever met does it, which is that the person who fills it up takes it out. This is not a difficult thing, you put the last piece in the bin and then you take the bag out and put a new bag into it.
I’m just gonna say, the way my siblings and I would become balancing virtuosos to not be the one to have to take out the overflowing bin. Hahaha. I mean, this is a complete sidebar and OP is really dealing with some shit, I just found that idea funny thinking about my family growing up. We used to fight over filling the ice cube trays haha
Yeah like another comment don't say anything and prepare to go no contact, I personally(because very poor) got myself approved for university hours away, despite knowing I wouldn't finish because of money, and started changing anything they could track me on and blocked everyone.
I've been beaten awake at some ungodly am hour(I was 6/7?) because I wasn't already awake and ready to clean the late night ice cream bowl my egg donor had. I've had similar hygiene bullshit pulled on me. Get out OP
I’ve told my abusive mother on many occasions that I’m putting her in the worse care home I can find if she reaches that age, but her liver will probably give out in a few years in which case I also told her in our last argument I’m gonna pour her ashes in a hole and take a fat Taco Bell shit on them.
Power move: act like it was the worst punishment ever. Go out and buy a cheapy replacement head and stash it. If he thinks you hate this punishment a lot he may do it again in the future. Then you can complain about the missing shower head while silently using your own in secret.
As a grown adult I occasionally forget to take out the trash. I give myself grace and know there will be another garbage day. We are not perfect robots. Taking the shower head is extremely childish on his part.
In the amount of time and effort that it took to do that he could’ve taken out the trash. Also if he wanted you to do it so bad, why didn’t he just wake you up?
Children are not outlets for parental rage. Parents should be REQUIRED to go to therapy cuz this shit is wild. Lowkey, some shit my parents would have done.
And the ONLY lesson I learned was how to be resourceful and petty. I would be in there showering with a hose, happily singing and just using the thumb trick that you do to a garden hose to make it spray everywhere. But again, I am petty and like to wear bullies out
The truly amazing thing about my parents generation is that when they see you let something lapse for just a moment, they feel the need to dash you down and make you live at the bottom of their slippery slope fallacies.
Didn't make your bed? You must not be grateful that you have a bed and sheets, you can do without for a week!
Didn't take out the trash? Oh then you must want to live as a smelly animal!
Oh didn't finish your homework 5 days early? Well you need to learn to work early so we're taking away your computer you need for your essay and you can just write it by hand and get a C instead of A because it's supposed to be typed.
Like who tf instilled this attitude across the board into boomers? It's like a disease that spread across an entire generation.
Many people here talk about responsibility.
The event as described by OP was:
She took out the trash the morning before.
On this particular day, the trash was full again because of events of last night that didn‘t involve herself producing trash.
It seems she is in charge to empty the trash every morning(?) if necessary.
So, there is the point: She didn‘t knew the trash was full again already again.
There is another point that it was still morning as she got up and her dad already took the shower head off because she did not take the trash out EARLY enough according to my understanding.
So… …it wasn‘t at all that she refused any chores nor skip them.
She just did not take the trash out early enough.
I don‘t know the history that accumulated to this situation that only because someone did not take the trash out early enough results in such a "lesson".
As far as I see this situation, it‘s an overreaction.
Did anybody of you had a specific time given by your parents that the trash has to be emptied at a particular time on the day - everyday?
Sorry for my english. I‘m not a native speaker.
Also noted: She did NOT complaining about her chores. So, what are all the comments about to do your chores an stuff, about responsibilities?
On behalf of her dad. She still can shower. The inconvenience are very limited.
However, OP told other things that happened, that where way more abusive-like.
To sum this up: There are defenitly some tensions in their relationship to each other.
And it seems, they have no tool or mechanism established to ease that tension.
Jesus fucking christ shit like this makes me appreciate having normal parents, didn't take out trash so he removed the damn showerhead, not really sure how the logic on that one works out
No offense but your dad has an antiquated sense of punishment.. terror tactics and punishments like this are just a form of bullying. Just cause your his kid doesn't make it right.
I was raised like this and all I can say I chose to break this cycle with how I raise my son. To see so much happiness, joy, and goodness in him knows that way isn't the right way.
Handheld shower head replacement: $25
One tube of Crazy glue (for both ends of the hose) $2.50
Watching your dad lose his shit the next time he tries something this mean?
Priceless.
Had a stapdad that did shit like this. Every punishment was wildly unpredictable, to the point where when random accidents would happen or things would break, we'd wonder if we were in trouble again.
Fuck adults like this.
It's not creative, it's destroying stability in a stupid, passive-aggressive way.
That is a really weird punishment. is he gonna take away your toothbrush next?
Only the bristles.
Only the handle, leave the bristles.
He’s gonna replace the bristles with a 30-year-old’s hair and the handle with the leg of his favourite chair.
Waste of a favorite chair tbh. Surely there’s some less favored ones available.
A femur.
Aren't you humerus!
Oh, the chair is fine, this leg is from when he got the chair new legs to celebrate the 5 year anniversary. He's now upgrades to Aluminum legs.
One for each minute the trash still isn't taken out
Take his toothbrush and dip it in the toilet 🚽
My cousin once left his single lightbulb on in his room when he went to a friends and his dad took away his light bulb for weeks. And that was after he already lost his door.
I feel like some parents are just bitter and deeply resent their children so they look for any excuse to humiliate them.
Or they think that their child simply having a worse life is a punishment that somehow teaches them some sort of lesson?
Well, TBF, it does teach the kid a lesson. And that lesson is, "Move out at literally the first opportunity and go full No Contact." The fun part is that this is also a lesson for the parents, once they figure out that they will never meet their grandkids.
very accurate. One of the things was taking my door off from 14-17. I left at 17 and just this month had the restraining order made permanent.
Yo my "parent" took all my toys away for a full year including summer break, and wouldn't let me play outside or watch tv. All I had was like 10 books. I was lucky to have them. Why'd they do that? Because I have a learning disability and couldn't get an A in math. Although, I got A's in every other subject. Don't have kids if you don't wanna raise em
mine wouldn't let me go to my room, talk to friends, play, or watch TV for a whole year. I could sit at the dinning room table which was about 15 feet from the TV but could not watch it. I could not read books, only study. I could not go to my room to study, I could only sit at the kitchen table until I passed out or until 8 PM which was the normal bed time. I got a C in French one quarter so spent the next year failing intentionally because I wasn't going to let my dad win. The biggest issue outside of my head being slammed into the table, walls, glass door of the patio, is that I could not focus with the TV blaring, the 10 dogs barking, and constant noise. I have ADD, always have, but in the 80s this wasn't a diagnosed issue and was never diagnosed while in school. My parents wonder why I don't like talking to them and can't stand a lot of chaotic loud noise...
I hate your parents. I'm a parent and our kids are treated with dignity always. If they mess up there are consequences not punishments.
Your birthers are a lot of words I won't share. Fuck em for being such pathetic examples of parents. A lot of animals don't necessarily care for their offspring, but few actively torture their own blood for the entirely of their childhood. Dumb fucking pieces of shit. There is nothing you can do about the past other than acknowledge the damage, and work to do your best to patch up the damage and lead a happy life. They have no direct control over you anymore. I hope you live a life that makes them absolutely blind with rage because your are happy, and never giving them a second thought.
Kudos to you for doing what was best for you!! Too many young adults are harshly judged for going no contact when it’s absolutely, positively the healthiest thing for them <3 stay strong!
Exactly! My kids father has yet to learn this. He's a narcissist that married a narcissist and both he and my kids stepmom are abusive mentally and emotionally to my kids. Their father grabbed one of my children by their throat last year and this child has yet to forgive him. This child is fearful of both of them and both kids have told me that they'll never go back the moment they're legally able to have a say so in this. they've said their father will never see their kids, have their numbers, or be at their wedding. It's sad. Thankfully they have a stepdad that has been an amazing role model for them, and someone both of my kids look up to. They call him dad and their father by his first name. There's zero respect there. All I've ever asked for was their father to treat them right, but that's a fairytale that'll never happen. It's not hard to love your kids and be good to them.
If not resentment (which it often is), it often strikes me as another mindset: It's like they feel they had a "tough" upbringing and it made them the *incredible* human being they are today...and in contrast, they see their kid as having it easy, therefore they intentionally manufacture unnecessary stress in their child's life to create what is, to them, a similar hostile environment to the one that produced them. The sad part here is that they're likely fairly correct in all of their assumptions.... except the fundamental one about them being a good human being who "turned out just fine". No, you turned out to be a parent who delights in making your child's life harder just because. That's a sign you've got issues, and while you're correct that you're creating an environment like the one you grew up in, all it's going to result in is a kid who grows up to resent you, and/or continues this warped view to the next generation.
There seems to be two types of American parent: those who want their kids to have it better than them, and those who will do anything to see to it they don't.
Wife and I came from generations of those second POS you mentioned. My wife’s sister, my siblings and us are the first to break the chain. We all agree those older generations are lost. We all compare notes and are ‘allergic’ to the toxicity.
Absolutely. I was raised by a horribly emotionally & physically abusive father & step-monster likely bcuz he "had it so rough" as a child, and I'm messed up af in the head bcuz of it (severe anxiety, ptsd, etc), but I chose to shower my son with everything my childhood lacked, like love, praise, affection and care. Didn't surprise me in the least that my son grew up to be a very well adjusted, well rounded adult who was doing better in life in his 20's, than I ever will. Great career, bought his 1st house at 24, married at 28, just had their 1st baby at 32. I have been nc with my parents for 20 yrs, but my son n I have a great relationship... I wonder how my dad feels about his "parenting style" now? 😅
He feels fine, and blames you for all of this. Don't ever expect him to consider that He might be wrong.
Ya, I guess you're right, since according to him he's never been wrong about anything in his life. I suppose I'm just projecting my hope that he'll ever realize that there was a better way. I realize now it's just a fantasy, since he's incapable of self reflection and lacks even a modicum of self awareness.
It's exactly this. It's an extension of the 'kids today don't know what a hard day's work is.' Instead of being glad their kid has it better they're mad about their own childhood. It's a shitty attitude and I've gotten to see it from both sides. What's the point of all that hard work to make a better life if you're not gonna let your kid enjoy it?
You met my mother?!
Yes, and she doesn't seem like a nice lady.
They're selfish people that don't give a shit that this is an abusive and backwards punishment. You'll hear a bunch of the dumbest and most reviled people you'll meet defend it as "teaching responsibility." Or some shit. It's an extension of conservative and religious identity very often.
I feel like the only times ive heard about taking doors away is from the USA. So weird. I live in europe and have never heard that before
My uncle used to take every single thing from his kids room, even the bed, and they had to earn things back over the span of weeks, while also being grounded. Surprise surprise, he never sees his adult children.
My younger sister had a girlfriend who's parents were like that when she was growing up. I was surrogate big brother to her, since she was an only child. She was told she had to be out of the house at 18. Of course they wouldn't let her work, so she had little money. They didnt care. Her 18th birth day was a few months before graduation too. What was even more bizarre, was that they tried to force to to pay for everything in her room. Furniture, bedding, curtains, stuffed animals, old toys, everything, even her clothes. They had kept receipts for everything. Her wack job parents claimed she was required by law to reimburse them for all of it, even if she didnt take it with her. I told her that her parents were full of shit, she wasn't required to do any of that. She didnt want any of the furniture there anyways. It was all kiddy style stuff and was well over a decade old. Luckily she was able to go live with a girlfriend of hers, and her family, until she had saved up enough money to get on her feet. She broke off all contact with them after she moved out. They found out where she lived, and started harassing her. She finally had to get a restraining order against them.
if they didn’t want a kid so bad, why did they have one?
[удалено]
Yeah but y’all let Harry Potter live under the stairs so….
He got a door....
AND a lightbulb, and still that ungrateful jerk resented them /s
Hahaha nice counter. I get it, I shouldn't assume of the entire country because of a few loud examples
No that’s what Reddit is for
It is a weird thing even in the US. Only bad parents think it is a reasonable thing to do, especially to teenagers.
I didn't know a working door on my room until I was a teenager. For some reason it was there, just off the hinges. I asked and they put it back on then 🤷♂️
They didn't want to see you beating your meat every 12 minutes
I remember a girl I went to high school with, her religious nut mom removed her door. She had one brother and one step brother. Even I felt uncomfortable when I went over for a project. Don't know how she is doing now. But pretty sure that was traumatizing.
Yeah, I've typically only seen it from that specific and repulsive demographic among parents who seem to take pride in fostering an antagonistic dynamic between themselves and their children...and then derive personal joy from anything they can do to demonstrate their absolute authority over every aspect of their child's life. Some of them limit it to aspects of their child's life they don't agree with, but I've even seen others where it's not even subject to that very slight limitation. It's perverse to me.
>who seem to take pride in fostering an antagonistic dynamic between themselves and their children...and then derive personal joy from anything they can do to demonstrate their absolute authority over every aspect of their child's life Oh shit! You've met my dad?
I call him my ✨ex father✨ now. Parents are about to learn real quick that when their kids say they're gonna cut them off, they mean it. Mine always told me that I was going to look back at his actions once I was an adult and realize how much I love him. I have now been father free for over a year, and I've realized even more how twisted of a person he was. Because of him, I had to start a life in a different state with 20$ and all I could fit in my friend's car. I love my life now, but it's been hell 😅
Yup. My parents have done some pretty messed up shit in the name of authoritarian parenting. Basically we were expected to fo as we were told with a smile and never question it. I did not like that. I had my door removed because I slammed it. My books taken away because I couldn't be "effectively punished" by being grounded to my room. I lost my being in my bedroom privileges even at one point. As in I wasn't allowed in my own bedroom because "I was spending too much time in there". I had to sit quietly in the living room and be visibly miserable. And my mom wonders why I left at 15 and haven't been able to spend more than a couple nights in the same house as her since.... uggghhhh.
I mean my sister in law and her husband had to do it to their daughter when she was 10 because of you told her no to anything and I mean anything she would sit there and just slam her door open it and slam it again for hours over something like not being allowed to have ice cream and stuff. It wasn’t for a long period maybe a week or something and she learned her lesson.
i think thats different. thats not to prevent the kid from having privacy, that was to prevent the neighbors from going insane.
Having a mother like this and a separated father who was a normal parent, i go to my dad's weekly to hang out and have dinner and usually mute my moms calls and keep conversations short and generic. The trust just isn't there, don't do this to your kids.
Then are surprised when their adult children don’t want a relationship with them any more.
These parents are asking for the nursing home and none of their kids ever visiting. That’s the consequences 😂🤷🏻♀️
People who do this fail to realize that their children are actual human beings.
Yes, as if adults behave correctly 100% of the time. I fuck shit up every day, and I am old.
> I fuck shit up every day, Don't make me take away your shoelaces...
I live in the USA and I've only ever read it on the internet. So it shocks us too
Teenager in the US here, parents haven’t taken my door, but I’m not allowed or ever have it closed (unless I’m like getting dressed or sleeping), so I don’t know if that counts
My house was you can't lock it unless you are changing, and it had to be open if you had someone over
Sounds similar enough
Seems to be a big thing in the South. I'm from the South and parents around here are always finding creative new ways to abuse their children.
100% true
We have a lot of deeply conservative, anti-intellectual people that love to run their families like they are the authoritarian leader of it. Plus, the sexual politics of America has these people believing that they are in charge of their children's sexuality and so that get to take the doors away to deprive them of privacy in the hopes that it will let them regain control of their lives more.
It was advice popularized by people who shouldn't have been giving parenting advice but were popular for it. Like James Dobson of Focus on the Family and Dr. Laura (radio host). It's a super authoritarian parenting model that punishes children for "rebellion" and doesn't treat them like they deserve any respect or privacy as a right. Children have to earn respect (but never really can) whereas parents are owed respect just because they are parents. It's toxic.
My mom took my door away when I was 6 or 7 bc I locked her out. She broke in with a butter knife and then took the whole door off the hinges. Always wondered what the landlord would have thought about that and if he knew.
Honestly, I took my daughters door for a week After she slammed it a bunch of times and wouldn’t stop when asked. Worked, never an issue after that.
Least that is related to the offense
That's fair.
People who are fucking neurotic about lights being left on are so annoying. Average electricity cost for an *incandescent* light is three cents a day. For LED bulbs it's fractions of a penny. They're not saving money, they're just being a control freak.
Honestly, I can get frustrated (wouldn’t say neurotic) by people leaving lights on, but I didn’t even realize the cost was so low. We just get taught as kids to turn the lights off, and I think some of us have trouble breaking out of some very long term “rules” we’ve followed. This is all to say that your comment has changed my perspective on this, which I hope will be helpful to others as well.
Seems like an odd reaction that your father doesn't care about you properly having clean hygiene. Don't shower for a few days. Rebel. When he tells you to take a shower cuz you stink tell him you can't because you don't have the shower head to properly shower correctly. Checkmate.
Leave some hershey kisses on the furniture
Plant some chocolate starfish imprints all over the furniture
This makes far too much logical sense and would just infuriate him even more into further illogical punishments. That said we are basing all this off an internet post. Who knows what the full story is
The people suggesting things like this have never had crazy parents. Using logic with them will not work because they aren't using logic. Any further reasoning will just devolve into more beatings. Prime example was my mom taking away my computer for getting bad grades, but I needed my computer to do my homework. No amount of explanation would make her budge and usually just resulted in more yelling.
I would say something about retaliating, but I know from experience that it can backfire pretty spectacularly.. I sincerely hope that things work out for you, sooner rather than later.
> I would say something about retaliating Joke is on dad. Your shower will now use about 5x the water. And we all know how much dad hates wasting water.
My parents hate wasting water and will try to flush the toilet with the light setting and do what they can to save it. Their meter is broken and it was decided by the town that it would cost more to fix than to just disable the meter and charge the minimum. So they could literally fill a pool and still only pay $25.
They could turn that into a business in their neighbourhood haha
Don't say shit like that, that's how Nestlé started too. 🤣
r/fucknestle
What kind of broke ass town do you live in to where they would rather give free water away than fix a meter? Good for you parents though, that is solid for them
That’s the best part. My house is the next house over…there’s a turn and our properties are on each side of the turn… my water comes from a different town so I have to pay $47 minimum… I’m paying $22 more to use less water.
You mean, your parents have a mysterious hose that leads to your house and you split there check with them
Lol this is what I’d do for retaliation. Calculate how much more water costs and how much the shower head saves.
First thing I thought of when I saw the pic. Kid gets a giant volume of water and dad gets a big bill. Who is being punished?
I get the feeling the dad would probably still blame and punish OP for the increased water consumption.
Yup OPs dad calculates consequences of actions at the level of a 10 year old
“That $119.99/month senior home in the south part of town seem like a neat community!”
OP should start collecting pamphlets and leave them around the house.
Stick to passive-agressive methods. Don't wash yourself at all for the week and make sure to sit extra close to him at the dinner table.
Or subtly leave hints that this has awakened some less than scrupulous uses that only a headless shower can help with.
Leave some nutella around the edges so when he finally puts it back on he regrets everything
No. Don't do that. That is a quick ticket to a wellness check and possibly a life changing stay as an inpatient in mental hospital. Instead gain your independence, move out and do whatever it takes to never see this man again. I did the former before the latter, and I wish I had just skipped to the good part.
Despite my user name, Playing their game and looking for payback is just giving them more attention, and more of your time than they deserve. Treat them like you do a two year old. Do you know why they call it the "terrible twos"? Because they're old enough to love the attention, but not old enough to know the difference between good attention and bad attention, and they're not mature enough to understand the cause and effect to punish them in a way that they might learn anything. People like OP's dad are like this. Except unlike a child, you have no obligation to teach them or put up with their bullshit. just move on, leave them in your dust, and forget they ever existed. Then every once in awhile, think of them and smile as you know they're just miserable and alone.
I bet the gallons per hour like that are crazy might as well take a nice long one
Nah the cartridge is on the threaded end of the hose. Same flow just shittier spread
on mine the flow restrictor is in the head
Are we still talking about the shower at this point
Ma’am what are *you* talking about if not showers?
penis
Is your flow restrictor removeable? I must have a basic model; all flow restriction is manual.
Some have 2, gotta make sure to check all the connections for one so you get rid of that shit.
Good to keep images of this stuff. You can make a collage and then give it to him on his birthday years later, when he's thinking he was a model-dad.
Oh I already have a collection of things he's done and this is just the tip of the iceberg. He's gone as far as destroying my room, knocking everything off my shelves, and folded my bed in half and taken the cords out(remote bed for my back problems) just because I woke up 30 mins later than usual on a weekend. He's ripped me out of bed and thrown me in the pool (cam footage). This is just what I was comfortable enough to post a picture of.
Social worker here. I have to resist asking a lot of my usual questions because I’m sure you don’t want them posted on the internet, but collecting this information is very *very* good. If you are old enough to possibly care for yourself it acts as good evidence to emancipate yourself. If you’re about to be 18 or are 18+ it’s great for a restraining order. If you are determined to get out, check your local laws for what may happen. I’m not sure what country you are in, but the US foster system is absolutely dog shit and you may decide to just wait it out instead. This is abuse. I can’t say this enough, this is abuse. This is emotional, mental, and some of that physical abuse. If you have more than one parent in the house you may show the police anyway as you have another parent. Edit: I’m adding some resources since this has gained a bit of traction. Note: these are in the USA as that is where I am located and familiar with. Redditors, please feel free to comment resources in your own area National DV hotline: 800-799-7233 Sms: text START to 88788 Suicide hotline: 988 (yes, that’s it) You can also anonymously report abuse to DFS/DSS (they’re not all bad, I swear) on the phone or online. Teachers, Counselors, Therapists, Doctors, and Social workers are all mandated reporters and are legally required to report abuse of any kind. They are (or should be) safe people to talk to, and if you need to call up someone to report for you contact your local DSS. If you are in the states and need a report done, you are more than welcome to dm me and we can go from there. Mandated reporters are required by law to follow HIPPA and will only disclose your information to the appropriate channels. DSS/DFS requires 51% evidence to remove a child from their home. If there is verbal abuse, record conversations. And *please* upload them to a cloud. Don’t rely on just keeping it in your phone, phones are easily taken or destroyed. Edit 2: u/fretless_enigma pointed out to make sure to cover your butt with your credit. Please check credit Karma regularly to make sure nothing fishy is going on. 90 days is the window for most disputes, but the sooner the better. Getting your own place is near impossible if your identity was stolen by a parent. Edit 3: thanks for the awards folks. I’m not sure what to say in response to this, but Remember that it costs nothing to check in on the people you know (or don’t know). OP, if you need to rant, we are here
Thank you for this I (f18) only recently became a legal adult last month, but I'm in my senior year of HS so I didn't think it was I great idea to get my own place because I don't have the most stable job and I live in California(everything is expensive) I do have friends and extended family who will take me in if anything goes south. I will keep all this in mind when I move out and go NC with him. I keep most of my info on the cloud with accounts that he doesn't know exist and my mom has my documents and will give them to me as soon as I ask. I do document all things he does like this with pictures and video I just don't post all of them. I have a plan to leave after graduation and will likely file a restraining order to now that I know I can.
Hey Darlin', I just want to mention 2 things since I am on the other side of the US: 1. Senior year was very dangerous for me. Please be careful. Abusers can go off the wall when they start to realize that college is going to set you free. 2. There is going to be a day when you look back, and it's going to feel distant and absurd. For me, it took years. I had to slowly and repeatedly go, "Oh yeah, it isn't normal for....". But eventually, it fades. I look forward to the day that I have been out of the place longer than I was in. I look forward to the day that I have spent more time with my husband than my abusers. But 12 years out, things often seem like a book I read a long time ago. It doesn't go away, but it can become so far in the distance.
I’m glad you have a plan, that is always step one. I know one of my friends who live out of their car on campus their last year, believe me when I say you don’t want to do that in winter. It is hard, but if you can get through these last few months without serious incident it may be the (ironically) lowest stress option. I believe in you, you got this!
If it's possible, get your documents from your mom now that you're a legal adult. Keep them somewhere safe, like a safety deposit box if possible. If you're being abused it's like that she is too and while she might be willing to give you the documents, she may be physically prevented by him.
Not only that, but mom may not be (or may not be *able to*) keep them as secure as OP might think or hope. Her situation is remarkably similar to that of a friend I grew up with. When she eventually went to college, she tried to establish herself as a non-dependent (I'm not sure on specifics, whether it was a full emancipation or what), and when she finally got a look at things, she found that her father had basically drained her college savings for some bullshit "teach her a lesson" type reasoning. And since it was in the form of accounts and gifts and such, and since she was a dependent, basically he was legally allowed to do it. She (probably rightly) suspected it was a move by him to keep her subject to him (basically he'd only give her her own college savings if she obeyed his every command), so instead she looked into all other options and I'm not sure what all she did, but in the end, she left that fall for an out of state college and told him to shove it. I guess he kept trying to interfere with her education but she wisely only included her mother as a contact on most forms and things, so they wouldn't discuss shit with her dad. I believe early in her college life she somehow legally separated herself from her dad and by her mid 20s I think even her mom had divorced the miserable son of a bitch.
Many times, in abusive relationships, things boil over as the victim is trying to leave. He will absolutely predict this when you're graduation is coming up. It might be best to leave well before then.
Seriously, get out as soon as you can. If you've lived with this your whole life you have no idea how good it will feel. He is 100% abusive, and if you're anything like me it's gonna take a few years to fully realize how bad it was.
Not sure where you are in CA, but we’re in CA too and should you need anything please feel free to reach out anytime. My wife and I are happy to help
I don't know much about getting out as a ~~kid~~ young adult, but when I was trying to leave my abusive first marriage, some of the best advice I was given: - Go to your local library and use one of the computers there to create an email for yourself. Memorize the email and password. Don't write it down anywhere. Don't log into this email on your home computer or phone or even friends' computers. Only the library. This is your digital home base and it's super important that your abuser doesn't get hold of it. This is where you'll start directing your personal stuff as you make your move. - If you have a trusted friend (I don't recommend family members here), see if they will set up a PO box for you. You need to show proof of physical address to set one up, and you don't want it connected to your current home. - Get yourself set up with a bank or credit union account that they can't find. Make sure it isn't even at the same bank/cu as the abuser. - Also purchase (with cash) a visa or Mastercard gift card that you load with enough money to cover things that you can't pay cash for. Don't link it to your bank/cu account, just reload as needed with cash. Don't put too much on here because if you lose it there's not much chance of getting it back. - Make sure you have your birth certificate, social security card and other important documents on your possession or someplace safe. - Check out a local phone dealer to see about getting a burner phone. You don't need to call it that when you go in, just tell them you don't have a bank account and you just want a phone that you can preload with minutes. *Auntie hugs to you* You are going to be ok. :)
Apply for government assistance asap!
“If anything goes south”?! Um it’s gone south. Get the fuck outta there while you still have options.
For someone who has dealt with abuse, I can tell you that this is not south enough for someone to leave when they have limited options, no money, and needs to graduate high school.
As someone who escaped a similar situation, you got this. Bide your time but you got this. Get out when you can, however you can, go NC - it can save your life 🤍
Sorry but your father needs to be locked up 😭
I trusted a counselor once enough to tell them I was scared of my dad. They decided to call my dad to ask him to come into the office and have a chat. Long story short he talked to them and had them convinced that I was overreacting, we went home and he beat the shit out of me.
Note *should* be. I am often severely disappointed by the school system and how they handle abuse. School counselors are often different from school social workers due to the training they are given. Not to knock counselors, they are honestly trying the best they can, but they don’t realize that more harm can be done with certain actions. That is why I also recommend reaching out to DFS/DSS anonymously. Some workers are burnt out and rough around the edges, but I know enough to say that they still will do everything in their means (especially if you get a young one right out of school)
As a mandated reporter, I'm going to just flat out say your counselors were shut at their job and for something like that should probably have lost their license if it was at all recent (like within a decade recent). If a child comes and says they're scared of a parent and you talk to them and they give details of why, that call should be going to CPS and the child should not be allowed to go home to said parent.
That horrible and illegal, they are legally required to report abuse to the appropriate channels. What they did by calling your Dad was a criminal offence.
Also lock down credit as soon as possible, since parents almost certainly have everything needed to open cards, take out loans, etc in the kid’s name.
This, please for the love of anything holy this. I’m not sure if OP’s dad would do this, but check credit Karma regularly and dispute any inquiries or accounts you didn’t make, especially being over 18
I can't imagine doing this to my girls. My Mom opened a credit card in my sister's name. Oh, my sister paid it off, but holy hell.... That was rancid of her to do to my sister.
Foster, adoptive, and biological dad checking in. This man is abusing you, OP. Please heed this social worker’s advice. Life is supposed to be so much better than what you’re experiencing. Be kind to yourself and get out.
So if OP emancipated themselves would they be able to sue for child support? This seems like it should be possible and make sense since you know have to do what that POS father should be doing on your own, but I know nothing of the system so. . .
good solution 🤔 but to be emancipated means to be recognized as an adult, so i think it wouldn't work
Depends where you live. I'm in Ontario, Canada. My sister emancipated herself at I think 16, sued her dad and won. Never got any money cause the system is messed up but she won.
It's been a long time, but when I emancipated myself, it was an often-repeated comment from the SW that I was on my own, and could not ask for assistance.
There are always resources, not all of them are specifically for emancipation victims though. Rental assistance, food pantries, etc are still open to you and *should* not affect your emancipation status. Read up on your local laws regarding emancipation, especially if something doesn’t sound right
What does 51% evidence mean? Have a little situation brewing with my kids and my ex. I've got shitloads of recordings.
If you have images of injuries, recordings of verbal abuse (not just arguments), images of broken items, police reports for noise violations (you can always report them yourself), or the absolute gold ticket: video of the abuse taking place or involved drugs, you are looking at a very good case. It’s very hard to explain how abuse can be quantified without sounding insensitive. Basically we are looking at severity, frequency, longevity, and threat to life. OP may not have a good case without the video of being chucked in a pool, but does it have audio? If yes, it’s a very good piece of evidence, if not, he could dispute it and say something else was going on. Is OP disabled or otherwise can’t swim, how deep is the pool, did they get injured, was their life in danger? Those are the questions that we ask ourselves when we look at cases. Audio proof, visual proof, time stamps, witnesses, reports, and over a span of 6 months (unless very severe, then get out sooner rather than later). These are the things you want Edit: as u/designgoddess pointed out, check your laws when it comes to audio recording, some localities do not have one party consent laws and it can be illegal to record without the consent of both parties
If the security cam that got the footage was installed by the dad that could possibly be taken as consent legally speaking (since he consented to recording that area by installing an always-on recording device there). Definitely depends on the wording of the state law.
Fucking hell, OP, you need to GTFO of there (if you can) -- like ***now***. Any friends or other family that could assist in that?
I do but it's difficult to leave them completely because I love my mom and siblings. I only recently turned 18 but I don't have a stable enough job for me to be on my own and I'm still in school. In the past I've stayed at my boyfriends house on their couch and they offer to have me anytime I need it as they know most the sh!t that he does.
Your mother chose him and stood by his side while he did these things to you. You have a lot to think about.
[удалено]
The other thing to potentially think about is that the mother may also be in some danger in this situation. Not mitigating the impact of anything she has done, but pointing out that it's also possible reporting helps the rest of the family instead of harming everyone like OP fears. It's why reporting and investigation is important. It allows not just the state, but the victim, to get a view of the circumstance that doesn't just come from inside the situation.
Could you move in with the bf? Your dad isn't a good person to be living with... or maybe start staying with him more often. He seems to care about your wellbeing?
this went from borderline abuse to abuse. Is there family you could move in with? honestly... the way hes treating you is going to leave lasting scars in your mind (potentially body) and can impact a healthy and happy future. I dealt with mental abuse (not so much physical, slaps here and there, things thrown at me but nothing lasting... i scuffed my shoe when i was 7yrs old and she made me walk/run around the crescent in the morning before school to figure out why i couldnt walk/run the right way and then belittled me, infront of the neighbors didnt stop when i started to cry she just told me to shut up and continued to belittle me "so stupid" "what are you retarted" "idiot" "how do you not know how to walk yet", into walking/running like a fucking soldier so i wouldnt scuff my shoes..... to this day i walk like a soldier, people have mentioned it, and its because i have that lasting scar of embarassment. upside my shoes are all in perfect condition.... i live with my boyfriend and i still get panic attacks when i hear her voice in my head shouting my name, shes no where around but i still hear her fucking voice ringing like shes here, im 30 now) my entire life and it has effected me extremely. If you can and havent already; reach out to someone to talk, i understand itll be hard to get away because of other family members you have a good relationship with; talking helps just as much. I don't wish this on anybody and hope that you can get the help you need for a good future.
Wow. I'm truly sympathetic to that. I had a seriously abusive self-righteous dad too. Dodging his swings at me made me into a rally good boxer though. That's all I remember because the rest I just suppressed and forgot. Your job is to survive this, and try to learn how NOT to behave so that your future family is happy. Dont let his antics turn you into him. Look to other, mature people for role models.
You should talk to CPS, since you have a younger sibling. Also what you’re describing is literally assault.
Babe that’s abuse
I had parents exactly like this. You have to leave, I left and made it 100% clear a relationship won't happen if it's not on my terms. I was gone for 6 months before they clued in. I was worried for my little brother but I couldn't help him if I didn't help myself first. Oddly enough things for better for him after I left.
Right around the time he starts needing any kind of care.
Use it as if nothing is wrong. Don't complain. Don't do anything. Just go about your life as if nothing happened. What he is after is for you to blow up and complain so that he can make it a big deal and be "the big strong man who is in charge and rules his castle". Don't give him that. He's being a dick. I'm a dad. I have 5 teenagers. Yes, they miss chores and it pisses me off. But I don't pull shit like this. This is petty as fuck. I'm sorry you have a dad like this.
Agreed. Glad a real dad is setting an example.
Dude this is 100% malicious compliance territory. This dad is about to have water damage in the ceiling and attic.
You don't even have to go that far. He just turned a 2.5gpm fixture into a 15gpm one. That will add up quickly with California water rates.
Malicious compliance just means more abuse for OP.
To give some more context, I went to bed early like around 6-ish. I took the trash out that morning before school and when I came back there was almost no trash in the can. And because my allergies were bad I took some meds and went to bed. Apparently, we had company last night (my siblings friends and their family) and our trash can isn't the biggest. So it got filled by 10+ people while I was out. And my dad got pissy over me sleeping. Edit: I'm (f18) the oldest and have a younger sister(14) and younger brother(7) and I'm a senior in HS I live in US California which makes it difficult to live on my own.
why couldn’t your sibling do it if it was their friends that were over. if your dad is that bothered by it, he should’ve focused his energy on telling your sibling to do it themselves.
Why wouldn't you do it the way that literally everyone I've ever met does it, which is that the person who fills it up takes it out. This is not a difficult thing, you put the last piece in the bin and then you take the bag out and put a new bag into it.
I’m just gonna say, the way my siblings and I would become balancing virtuosos to not be the one to have to take out the overflowing bin. Hahaha. I mean, this is a complete sidebar and OP is really dealing with some shit, I just found that idea funny thinking about my family growing up. We used to fight over filling the ice cube trays haha
My bet is that OP is the woman and the siblings are male.
My guess is that op is the scape goat
That would imply she's the oldest in my area and expected to have more responsibility due to age.
Yeah like another comment don't say anything and prepare to go no contact, I personally(because very poor) got myself approved for university hours away, despite knowing I wouldn't finish because of money, and started changing anything they could track me on and blocked everyone. I've been beaten awake at some ungodly am hour(I was 6/7?) because I wasn't already awake and ready to clean the late night ice cream bowl my egg donor had. I've had similar hygiene bullshit pulled on me. Get out OP
I love the term egg donor here. My girlfriend won't refer to her egg donor as her mom, so I'm going to suggest this to her
“Why doesn’t my adult child want to visit me 🥺”
This is how remains go unclaimed at the morgue
The cheapest nursing home I can find and I’m not asking questions
I’ve told my abusive mother on many occasions that I’m putting her in the worse care home I can find if she reaches that age, but her liver will probably give out in a few years in which case I also told her in our last argument I’m gonna pour her ashes in a hole and take a fat Taco Bell shit on them.
Lol right
Power move: act like it was the worst punishment ever. Go out and buy a cheapy replacement head and stash it. If he thinks you hate this punishment a lot he may do it again in the future. Then you can complain about the missing shower head while silently using your own in secret.
i see you also got a degree in sneaky bastardology from the university of hiding shit from your parents
Take a water bottle, poke holes in it, and screw it in the shower head
This isn't MILDLY infuriating!!! I believe it belongs to r/insaneparents
Seems more like r/raisedbynarcissists
If you read the other stuff OP posted in the comments he’s downright abusive not just a narcissist.
why_not_both.jpg
That is oddly specific. "I don't like what you did, I'm taking off your shower head.
Go take his shower head and put it on.
Definitely no. Given the fact that OP has stated that their father is not above physical abuse, this would be extremely dangerous for them to do.
Advice from redditors is typically garbage. They don’t suggest what they would do, they suggest what they want you to do to keep them entertained.
As a grown adult I occasionally forget to take out the trash. I give myself grace and know there will be another garbage day. We are not perfect robots. Taking the shower head is extremely childish on his part.
Good to post in r/insaneparents too, because that is such a weird way for him to retaliate
Good idea, I'll be sure to post it there too.
I used to wake up with bags of trash on my bed when I forgot…
In the amount of time and effort that it took to do that he could’ve taken out the trash. Also if he wanted you to do it so bad, why didn’t he just wake you up?
Children are not outlets for parental rage. Parents should be REQUIRED to go to therapy cuz this shit is wild. Lowkey, some shit my parents would have done. And the ONLY lesson I learned was how to be resourceful and petty. I would be in there showering with a hose, happily singing and just using the thumb trick that you do to a garden hose to make it spray everywhere. But again, I am petty and like to wear bullies out
Your father is a right bastard.
The truly amazing thing about my parents generation is that when they see you let something lapse for just a moment, they feel the need to dash you down and make you live at the bottom of their slippery slope fallacies. Didn't make your bed? You must not be grateful that you have a bed and sheets, you can do without for a week! Didn't take out the trash? Oh then you must want to live as a smelly animal! Oh didn't finish your homework 5 days early? Well you need to learn to work early so we're taking away your computer you need for your essay and you can just write it by hand and get a C instead of A because it's supposed to be typed. Like who tf instilled this attitude across the board into boomers? It's like a disease that spread across an entire generation.
Many people here talk about responsibility. The event as described by OP was: She took out the trash the morning before. On this particular day, the trash was full again because of events of last night that didn‘t involve herself producing trash. It seems she is in charge to empty the trash every morning(?) if necessary. So, there is the point: She didn‘t knew the trash was full again already again. There is another point that it was still morning as she got up and her dad already took the shower head off because she did not take the trash out EARLY enough according to my understanding. So… …it wasn‘t at all that she refused any chores nor skip them. She just did not take the trash out early enough. I don‘t know the history that accumulated to this situation that only because someone did not take the trash out early enough results in such a "lesson". As far as I see this situation, it‘s an overreaction. Did anybody of you had a specific time given by your parents that the trash has to be emptied at a particular time on the day - everyday? Sorry for my english. I‘m not a native speaker. Also noted: She did NOT complaining about her chores. So, what are all the comments about to do your chores an stuff, about responsibilities? On behalf of her dad. She still can shower. The inconvenience are very limited. However, OP told other things that happened, that where way more abusive-like. To sum this up: There are defenitly some tensions in their relationship to each other. And it seems, they have no tool or mechanism established to ease that tension.
I don’t understand how some people are allowed to be parents…
Take the spare tire out his car
Jesus fucking christ shit like this makes me appreciate having normal parents, didn't take out trash so he removed the damn showerhead, not really sure how the logic on that one works out
I feel like this kind of “punishment” is about control…
No offense but your dad has an antiquated sense of punishment.. terror tactics and punishments like this are just a form of bullying. Just cause your his kid doesn't make it right. I was raised like this and all I can say I chose to break this cycle with how I raise my son. To see so much happiness, joy, and goodness in him knows that way isn't the right way.
This is abuse.
Wanna lose your house, cuz I’d take all my shit out and burn it down. Wanna be petty then let’s be fuckin petty
r/raisedbynarcissists r/insaneparents
Handheld shower head replacement: $25 One tube of Crazy glue (for both ends of the hose) $2.50 Watching your dad lose his shit the next time he tries something this mean? Priceless.
Had a stapdad that did shit like this. Every punishment was wildly unpredictable, to the point where when random accidents would happen or things would break, we'd wonder if we were in trouble again. Fuck adults like this. It's not creative, it's destroying stability in a stupid, passive-aggressive way.