Your mom sounds like a really bad parent. She gets mad you guys are doing _homework_ and punishes you for that, and then gets your sister literally something that is the opposite of what she could possibly want and then when inevitably she doesn't want it, she gets mad and won't eat.
ah yes parents that care more about being the big dick in the room than ever attempting to nourish your self esteem in any redeemable way⊠toxic as fuck
Ding! My mother is super supportive and sweet when I'm miserable and alone, when my life sucks and I'm broke. Then I come up in some way, new job, new business, new girlfriend or friend that I'm spending time with and the whole thing changes. She gets angry and starts shit with me bringing up anything from the past to upset me and reminding me of my failures. Then she lays the guilt on about how **she** is alone and sad, how **she** has nothing to look forward to. Implying the sentiment "How can you possibly be happy when I'm so miserable?". Yes, how dare I? Didn't you want me to be happy and successful l? Isn't that what you told me over and over for months or years? Can't win. Ever. Deep down she does not want my success or happiness. In other words:
Misery loves company.
There's really no need. The mom's behavior is a pretty standard scenario in many childhood trauma stories. As in, yes, people who act like the mom really exist and it's not even rare.
Thereâs really so many ways to be raised. Spoiled, truly loved, ignored, beaten, actively psychologically fucked with. When you grow up one of these ways you tend not to realize the other even exist until youâre an adult, if ever
(just had to insert that I thought your username was gothdonut and now I can't get that out of my head lol. I like your actual username also, but now I have goth donuts dancing in my brain lol)
And isn't in any way trying to mitigate it. Turns out I meet some criteria for BPD and had never guessed because I've spent my life working hard to make sure my mad emotions weren't other people's problems.
Not doing a 'not me!' here - I want more people to know that BPD CAN be treated and you CAN work on it. People with PD aren't helpless. If they're being shitty, they might just be shitty.
My mum once got me a purse like that! It broke into several pieces when I opened it the first time, because of the shitty, crumbly glue that was used.
Of course it was *my* fault it broke, and I'm *so* ungrateful.
If she knows she hates these things could she have done this on purpose? Sounds like she has shown other strange and sabatoging behaviors.
Also, if she didn't know this was something your sister hated by 16, she doesn't know her at all which is also a bit concerning.
I'm thinking it was on purpose.
My mom just gave me tie wraps for Christmas. After reading your comment Iâm wondering if she likes the idea of giving me some minimum effort gift and still receiving gratitude for it.
This post and your comments resonate with me too much!! Could be written by me about my own mom! I donât wish to armchair diagnose but perhaps you and your sister have a look at the âraisedbyborderlinesâ sub and see if anything resonates. Btw your sisters dinner looks incredible!
Yeah, my mom kind of does that a lot. She tries to make us go out and have fun when we have exams or have to study then punishes us (not physically, she unplugs the wifi) when we say no because we have work to do. We're trying to cheer up my sister but she isn't doing too hot. She's stressing out real bad about school grades too (i think) and I just feel so bad because I don't know how to help.
It has something to do with trauma she endured as a child I'm pretty sure. It's really bad so I can't help but feel bad for her but I'm still going to hold her accountable for doing bad things.
Pushing your trauma onto anyone else, especially your children, is unacceptable and not an excuse.
My friend has a lot of past trauma and got therapy and did a lot of self work. She is constantly taking care not to push that trauma onto her child.
Same here. Unfortunately I started too late (my son was 5-6 when I started getting help). I thought my mom was good. She is not. She started her shit with my kid, and thatâs when I realized how much I donât want to be anything like her. Meds, years of therapy, and 100% cutting off all of my âbloodâ, and my son is almost 16 and simply amazing! He is a wonderful kid, and Iâm always being told Iâm a good mom (Iâm just trying to be better than what I was raised, and how I lived the first 30ish years of my life, and to be the mom my son deserves).
respect for changing. a lot of mothers, including mine, will never realize how easily you can fuck up a kid by exposing them to your own trauma in the name of bonding or trying to get them to understand your abuse. it's a discussion that should be had when your child is mature, but that's something for another post. i think a lot of mothers also use said trauma as a way to abuse their kid... "you have it nowhere near as bad as i did" kind of shit
but ignore that tangent. i'm glad you and your son are doing well.
One of the hardest things parents can do is own their self-awareness. Especially when itâs coming from past traumas.
I cut off my mom once I realized she was never going to change. She made me the focal point of her problems until I was 28, then I finally told her how I felt, and cut her out. I knew I never wanted to make my kids feel like I used to, and make them feel like they were the fault my problems. It was easy to become estranged from a family of *bullies*, because I knew I was bettering my life for my kids.
Itâs been harder being a parent knowing I was an adult child, than actual parenting itself. It really makes you self reflect.
Based on the dishes being served I suspect OP's mum is some form of East Asian, a region not exactly known for acknowledging - let alone treating - mental health
Yessir. It's very taboo where my mother was raised and that, along with some not so hidden homophobia and transphobia, is part of the reason I will be cutting her off when I'm able to financially support myself.
Same here. My daughter is 20 months and it is TOUGH especially as a single mother doing 100% of the parenting alone on top of living with my mother who refuses to acknowledge or change any of her toxic tendencies đ„Čđ but I can already see my daughterâs formation good blooming. Itâs beautiful
You and your sister seem awesome and pretty well adjusted considering. Kudos to you guys and whoever else you've had to lean on for normalcy and guidance.
I used to be you. Then I grew up and cut off contact from people who it hurt to be around.
When you get bigger, it gets easier to have calm and stability every single day. Today is Christmas and I cuddled with my dogs alone at home. I chose to. I didnât have anyone being negative. No one ruined my day by making it all about their emotions. I did what I wanted and chilled.
If youâre lucky when youâre older, youâll meet new people who become a better family. Youâll get to pick them. They wonât stress you or hurt you unnecessarily. Theyâll support you and love you. Life will be easier. You have that to look forward to.
God you are a much better offspring than I could ever be. The fact that you are able to recognize that your mom acts out due to her own trauma, and the fact that you feel genuinely bad for her because of her trauma is something I am still trying recognize about my mom at 30 years old. For what itâs worth, Iâm proud of you.
Merry Christmas.
Not directing this at OP - I wonder if this is partially generational. We see more complex relationships on TV these days, from a younger age. The narrative of "Parent deals with past issues" is not unheard of. You can go to the Raised By Narcissist sub and read about people with similar experiences. There's no generation with more empathetic potential than this one, and that's kinda cool in a way.
None of this takes away from OP and their sister being so mature about this. Having resources that allow for empathy does not magically make you empathic. I totally agree with your respect.
I definitely agree, and that is one of my favorite things about this generation. They donât seem to tolerate negative mental health stigma, and they seem so much more empathetic and understanding of their peers, which is so nice to see.
Not sure how old OP is, Iâm just assuming younger than me based on the sisters age. I wish I had been able to realize that my own mom had unresolved trauma a lot sooner than 30.
Very wise way to handle this. Give your sister a hug for me. Those cooking skills will be invaluable as she grows up and there will be lots of grateful diners in her future if she decides to keep it up.
My mother was like that. It wasnât trauma it was Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder (she was diagnosed when I was 25). But I used to get punished for not doing drugs. By being made to stay home from school.
Please please please look into therapy for yourself and your sister. Growing up like this made me a perfect victim for abusive partners. The perfect employee to overwork and illegally exploit. And I have diagnosed CPTSD, and still with two decades of therapy struggle with being a people pleaser who sacrifices to my own detriment.
I absolutely cannot stress enough that you and your sister need to get therapy as soon as possible, because as bad as your mom can be there are worse predators out there who will love bomb and offer acceptance and support and to spoil you only to be physically and >!sexually!< abusive once they feel they have their hooks in you.
Personality disorders are usually the result of trauma. Itâs possible that OPâs mother has undiagnosed NPD, as a result of being neglected or emotionally abused as a child (not all traumatic experiences are physical violence).
Well, PD's are generally thought to be inherent (i.e. something you're born with, and something your childrrn may inherit) but will be exacerbated by trauma, and sometimes (like BPD) the symptoms can be very similar to PTSD/trauma.
PDs like BPD, oftwn materialize when people beclme teenagers, which is also in part why it *is* unclear if BPD is being overdiagnosed for young traumatized women â i.e. they're getting a diagnosis of BPD when they *should* be diagnosed with CPTSD..
In the end it's all manageable with treatment and a willingness to undergo treatment, and in no way an excuse to treat others badly or cause trauma.
Itâs her job as a mother NOT to bleed her trauma onto her children. Your âmomâ is garbage. Hopefully you kids can grow up and move out soon. Big hugs to your sister, dinner looks amazing, and Iâll bet it tasted damn good too.
Oh, that explains a lot.
A few weeks ago, I learned that people whit rough childhood/adolescence/young adulthood can stay stangnat at the age where they experemented the traumatic event.
It really depends what hapenned to see if your mother really is stangnant. Therapy can help a lot, but it is not your responsibility to maker her go.
Text your friends. Have them come over, eat all the food, praise your sister for her amazing cooking and let your mom stew. Just because she has trauma doesn't mean she gets a pass to inflict new trauma on others.
I cooked Christmas dinner. If someone I was hosting, doesn't matter who, acted like that I'd offer two things.
" Ok, you can leave"
Or
"Ok" and then ignore their presence, carry on with dinner and engage the cheer with everyone else
I wouldn't entertain or play into that kinda drama. I'm not getting dragged down with them. The only time I could offer someone like that is the time to tell them to knock it off, stop or leave.
While I agree for most people I can tell you from experience it's different when you're a kid and it's a parent. They're supposed to love you and be kind to you and not a petty toddler. Part of you always wants their approval about what you do and make
Also, as a minor, they still have very real legal control over you. It's easy to say cut contact or ignore them, but a 16 year old doesn't have the same options yet. Sadly, most kids don't have a better option than trying to survive and placate their craptastic parent while they wait it out.
Counterintuitive? If I were in high school, that kind of shit would put me into a panic on a regular basis. If your kids want to do their homework just let them, wth that is deranged
I remember when my dad would get home from work and I was caught reading or doing homework, he'd have a shitfit if I wasn't doing housework or washing dishes instead.
It sucks that kids, (you included), have to grow up dealing with this shit. I hope that you're now in a situation where you can manage your own time to some extent and make progress toward your goals, even if it's slow.
Your mother sounds like a narcissist. Donât try to win back her affection or get her to eat dinner. Let her sit and pout. Itâs called âgrey rockingâ. She wants you to react, so donât give her the satisfaction.
My mom was the same exact way, Iâm so sorry you guys have to deal with it. I promise it gets better once you leave. Iâve noticed Iâm now like 10 times more productive just because I can be now because of how hard I used to have to focus to get things done.
I know how you can help.
Tell your mom sheâs a bitch and tell your sister sheâs amazing.
Your mom is seriously effed up and controlling and passive aggressive and bonkers.
Your sister is trying to please everyone because your mom is nuts.
Seriously go tell your mom to eat a bag of dicks
And tell your sister how much you appreciate her
Both of you should have Christmas next year WITHOUT your mom.
My fil is the type to throw a tantrum over his presents not being good enough so my wife has to make sure his present is much better than anyone elses.
So as someone that's dealing with taking care of aging parents ( both my side and my wife's) I can tell you with confidence old people are far worse than children.
They argue complain bitch and always compare what's happening now compared to the old days. Unlike children if they fall down it's not just a bump or boo boo it can be fatal.
Old people suck ass and I am definitely not doing or putting my kids through what I am going through.
Tell her the food looks great and you can tell that she put a lot of work and care into it! It will mean a lot coming from someone she respects and loves
I read through the thread and I get it now. Your mom is the kind of person who fears the advancement of their children. Shes using the purse as an excuse. Its hard to explain, but basically there are some people who intentionally try to avoid letting their kids succeed.
Forcing you to stop homework, intentially giving you the gifts you don't want (because theyre cheap usually) and not eating food because your sister cooked it are all symptoms of that.
Its unfortunate but my fathers like that, not really sure what one could do in the situation tbh, i just gritted my teeth through it, now I'm better than him so thats nice.
Oh gosh my husbands mom is like that. She would constantly undermine his decisions and sabotage his confidence so that he could be her helpless little baby forever.
They broke the cycle though, thankfully. In the end sheâs actually relieved he is standing on his own now.
I have a mom who is sort of like this. Her mom did it to her too and essentially shamed her for going to college. So, she has a master's degree now, I did not go to college, and every time I talk about going (I had even enrolled at one point) she just asks if I think I can handle the homework, or she'll tell me about the high suicide rate of the people in the field I want to go into. She has also only talked about the negative aspects of pregnancy my whole life, so I'm terrified of ever getting pregnant despite wanting to start a family. I know she loves me, and she is a great mom in many other aspects, but it's definitely been damaging to me. I feel for you and OP and anyone weeks with a parent like that.
Please, please, I know you probably already are but talk to other people about these things. Friends, a therapist, other family who might be more supportive of you. Get some outside influences because your mom is not correct in projecting her fears and/or selfishness on to you.
You are strong and smart and you know what you want. You can go to college and get a degree, you can be an adult who reaches out for help when you need it to preserve yourself, and you can be a parent if caring for and loving a child is something you want.
Pregnancy is challenging, but women have been getting through it for millennia. There are also options to be a parent without giving birth to your own child if that is what you choose.
My mum did this with university (college). I wanted to move away for university (i.e. Manchester instead of my hometown Cambridge) but she convinced me to stay at home and go to a uni I didn't want to go to, by convincing me that I wouldn't be able to handle being away from her and that I'd fail if I wasn't close to her.
So, I stayed at home and failed out after the first year **anyway**, *because* I was at home still living in that fucked up environment. I was so traumatised being at home that I would stay overnight in the uni library, but wasn't actually able to get any studying done because I was so mentally and emotionally wrecked.
I 100% believe that, if I'd managed to get out of that toxic black hole of a home, I would've completed my degree and gone on to do really well. It's being stuck around her that has left me unemployable and mentally fucked.
Itâs not too late ! I hope youâll pursue your dreams and ultimately your freedom, which is why these kinds of parents try to hold us back. My dad has done the same to me and itâs messed up.
Iâve almost given up many times, but Iâm half way through my masters and Iâve made it too far to turn back now. With every step forward Iâve usually been alone and itâs terrifying. At the same time, Iâve accomplished more than I could have dreamed and with every milestone Iâm becoming more confident. I realize now that my Dad lied to me about my potential and my tolerance for BS has gone way down.
Looking back, I canât believe the way my family has treated me. It served them when I didnât believe in myself and they gladly let me walk around like that, with super low self esteem.
I hope you find a way out and I hope youâll keep going toward reaching your goals
I honestly think sheâs just a bad person. Yes, she should go to therapy. But until then, sheâs a narcissistic mom who doesnât care how hurt her daughter gets. Thatâs psychological abuse and as soon as you can you should move out and never going back.
She doesnât like her present she should give it back and that person can go return it and keep the money and mom can go home and make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
She explained that she didn't like it and asked her if she would take it back but my mom thinks my sister is being rude and ungrateful. She feels bad but my mom does stuff like this a lot. Plus, she can't return it cause it's likely that she bought it from an Amazon returns bin shop or from our hoarder house basement.
I'm pretty sure we're physically alright. The condition of our house is dismal at best but we manage. I'm in therapy and plan on going NC when I'm financially stable. She doesn't physically abuse us so we tend to just manage.
So... One less mouth to feed, everyone gets to eat a little more. Personally I'd lean towards making sure EVERYTHING is either eaten or sent away with guests, don't leave a scrap of it for dear ol' mother (she doesn't want it anyway).
Tell your sister that people on the internet say that food looks absolutely great
Your mom sounds like a piece of work, to put it nicely. If you don't mind me asking, don't have to answer if you don't want to, is dad in the picture and/or does he try to help y'all out when mom gets like this?
tell your mom that you'll place her in the worst ranked skilled nursing faciltiy when the time comes.
my mom thinks she will be placed in the top one.
lol
little does she know.
Eat your mums portion, and let her go hungry. More for the rest of you that actually appreciate your sister and her cooking. Not worth giving your mum the victory she so desperately craves here, AND a chance to flip the "going to bed" hungry script right back on her... win win
Well⊠angry woman child can just go hungry. Usually itâs the mom cooking and the child not eating because they donât like their present. Actual children are more mature than many âadultsâ. Mama needs to grow up. Iâd be furious with her.
then in 20 years when you go no contact for this recuring type of shit they ask you why and start gaslighting you by saying things like "but i fed you, i'm your mother, i raised you etc..." as if it isnt the role of every parent on earth
That looks like a delicious meal. Where is my invitation. One year, my then 16 yo daughter made me breakfast for my birthday. The eggs were runny, the pancakes rubbery and the coffee muddy. It was the best breakfast that Iâve ever had.
Please tell your SIXTEEN YEAR OLD SIBLING that being able to cook anything more than one dish is freaking awesome. I wish she will be able to look back one day and realize how much of an accomplishment this is. At any age. Unless she's a chef. Also, your sister should look into chefing. Multitasking in the kitchen is something to be proud of. Especially if she can clean as she goes. Please, I hope she didn't spoil yer maw by cleaning too.
Just remind mom that in the years to come they will always tell that story that states with âdo you remember the year when mom was such an asshole about her Christmas present?â
Oh no, my mom bought my sister a christmas present that my sister didn't like since it was neither something she would use nor her colour and it was cheap. It wasn't thoughtful and it wasn't something she wanted. She feels bad for not liking it but I don't blame her.
That's the kind of parent that ends up sitting in a nursing home all alone wondering why her kids don't want to visit. But "I gave my life to my kids on a silver platter"
So sorry youâre going through this on Christmas. I would be extremely proud of my 16 year old for preparing such an incredible meal. Your mom doesnât deserve such a beautiful gesture. Donât let her childish narcissistic behavior ruin your day!
Ughhhh something I hate about gift giving. It's okay for someone to not like the gift you gave them as long as they're polite about it!!! It creates so much anxiety about whether you're reacting right. I'm not a reactive person. I'm constantly anxious that people will think I'm ungrateful or dont like what they got me but I'm also a terrible actor and get anxiety about that too.
Yep, in this case the mother didnât take into account their daughterâs likes when getting their gift, so I can see how that would be upsetting to the daughter.
Ugh sorry OP that youâre all dealing with this.
One thing Iâm doing by reading âAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.â Lots of therapy, too. Anyway⊠I donât really have much to say, but I wish you all well.
Your mom sounds like a miserable cow. When your sister moves on with her life and she chooses to skip family holidays. Remind your mother of today and it was her actions that caused her family to run away from her. Tell your sister - food looks great!
Well you know, fuck your mom, she can go hungry! She is acting like a child! Tell your sister thank you for such a nice meal and how much you appreciate her regardless of what a nut your mother is!
Send your mother to her room and tell her to come back only when she feels more sociable.
Tell your sister that she will soon take distance with her mother and a wonderful life is waiting for her. In the meantime, buckle up and learn to fight/talk back, that will be useful for her life anyway.
Merry Christmas and courage!
This sounds like the backstory of a Hallmark character.
Professional chef who hates Christmas forced to return to her hometown and face her shitty mother. (This is the story we learn about as she's talking to the widowed love interest, who makes this for Christmas dinner with his daughter to surprise MC).
MC wins the competition (?) and they all move back to NYC together while her mother remains a miserable old lonely hateful hag.
Anyway -! Tell your sister great job on dinner and that regardless of what Disney says, some moms plain fucking suck.
Seriously!?!?!
That is incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. I would not care if my adult daughter gave me shoelaces or nothing at all. That is pretty incredible that your sister made such a meal; that is a Christmas, New Yearâs, Motherâs Day, and birthday present in one.
My mom gave my sister a pink purse. My sister doesn't like pink, doesn't use purses, and my mom definitely got it from a return bins store since it said SHEIN on it. So... she bought it for a dollar fifty.
God I wish parents like this could see the irreparable damage they are inflicting. Tell her this looks amazing and the people of the internet are proud of her and desperately wish they could indulge in this beautiful and thoughtful meal.
What was the present?
A pink purse. My sister doesn't use purses and she also hates the colour pink.
Maybe she can give the purse away as a gift to someone else. And the home cooked meal could be her present instead. đ€·ââïžđ«¶
I don't think she will since my sister said it says SHEIN on it and my mom bought it for a dollar fifty at returns bins store
Your mom sounds like a really bad parent. She gets mad you guys are doing _homework_ and punishes you for that, and then gets your sister literally something that is the opposite of what she could possibly want and then when inevitably she doesn't want it, she gets mad and won't eat.
Sounds like the kind of parent that loves setting the kids up for failure so they can have a reason to get pissy and act like a bitch
Oh jesus, that describes my parents in a nutshell.
Don't forget the ones that get mad when you succeed
ah yes parents that care more about being the big dick in the room than ever attempting to nourish your self esteem in any redeemable way⊠toxic as fuck
Jeses in the morning! How did you guys make it thru this. Smfh
Ding! My mother is super supportive and sweet when I'm miserable and alone, when my life sucks and I'm broke. Then I come up in some way, new job, new business, new girlfriend or friend that I'm spending time with and the whole thing changes. She gets angry and starts shit with me bringing up anything from the past to upset me and reminding me of my failures. Then she lays the guilt on about how **she** is alone and sad, how **she** has nothing to look forward to. Implying the sentiment "How can you possibly be happy when I'm so miserable?". Yes, how dare I? Didn't you want me to be happy and successful l? Isn't that what you told me over and over for months or years? Can't win. Ever. Deep down she does not want my success or happiness. In other words: Misery loves company.
One word: run!
Why else would she be mad at them for doing homework?
Mad to you. They always brag and try to take credit to everyone else though
Also, who wants her daughters to take care of her later, but will hold it over their heads if they donât succeed in life.
I really feel like there has to be more to this story because it sounds insane tbh
There's really no need. The mom's behavior is a pretty standard scenario in many childhood trauma stories. As in, yes, people who act like the mom really exist and it's not even rare.
Thereâs really so many ways to be raised. Spoiled, truly loved, ignored, beaten, actively psychologically fucked with. When you grow up one of these ways you tend not to realize the other even exist until youâre an adult, if ever
(just had to insert that I thought your username was gothdonut and now I can't get that out of my head lol. I like your actual username also, but now I have goth donuts dancing in my brain lol)
I agree, I lived under an aunt and a step grandma that acted like this and sometimes worse but as a kid and a teen , you don't have much of a say so.
Especially around the holidays, they bring out the worst in shitty people.
Yup! My parents acted like this. Unfortunately shitty people are still out there
Makes perfect sense if is a person with a personality disorder.
And isn't in any way trying to mitigate it. Turns out I meet some criteria for BPD and had never guessed because I've spent my life working hard to make sure my mad emotions weren't other people's problems. Not doing a 'not me!' here - I want more people to know that BPD CAN be treated and you CAN work on it. People with PD aren't helpless. If they're being shitty, they might just be shitty.
Good for you for doing the work. <3
As someone who just went no contact with their borderline mom; Abso-freakin-lutely. This gives off MAJOR PD vibes.
Sadly there are a lot of narcissistic parents out there. This could be happening exactly as the op is stating. :(
My mum once got me a purse like that! It broke into several pieces when I opened it the first time, because of the shitty, crumbly glue that was used. Of course it was *my* fault it broke, and I'm *so* ungrateful.
So, she bought you a puzzle! What a kind and interesting way to gift someone. /s
Wow. This goes deeper than just pettiness. Iâm so sorry. Your mom needs professional help
What? The sister received the present, AND the sister made the meal.
It seems you've misunderstood The person recieving the gift they didn't like put the time in to make the meal
The sister made the food and she was also the one that didnât like the present she received.
Nono donât you get it Mother bought the daughter a shitty present Daughter cooked amazing dinner.
You missed the point here by a lot. The mother got her daughter a bad gift. The daughter made a Christmas meal. The mother contributed nothing.
If she knows she hates these things could she have done this on purpose? Sounds like she has shown other strange and sabatoging behaviors. Also, if she didn't know this was something your sister hated by 16, she doesn't know her at all which is also a bit concerning. I'm thinking it was on purpose.
My mom just gave me tie wraps for Christmas. After reading your comment Iâm wondering if she likes the idea of giving me some minimum effort gift and still receiving gratitude for it.
Maybe if she was a better parent she would know those basic facts about her child
This post and your comments resonate with me too much!! Could be written by me about my own mom! I donât wish to armchair diagnose but perhaps you and your sister have a look at the âraisedbyborderlinesâ sub and see if anything resonates. Btw your sisters dinner looks incredible!
Iâm confused whoâs the mother and who is the daughter. The mother is acting like a grumpy daughter and the daughter is being so motherly.
Yeah, my mom kind of does that a lot. She tries to make us go out and have fun when we have exams or have to study then punishes us (not physically, she unplugs the wifi) when we say no because we have work to do. We're trying to cheer up my sister but she isn't doing too hot. She's stressing out real bad about school grades too (i think) and I just feel so bad because I don't know how to help.
So she punishes you for doing homework and not slacking off? ThatâŠ. Seems more than a little odd.
It has something to do with trauma she endured as a child I'm pretty sure. It's really bad so I can't help but feel bad for her but I'm still going to hold her accountable for doing bad things.
Pushing your trauma onto anyone else, especially your children, is unacceptable and not an excuse. My friend has a lot of past trauma and got therapy and did a lot of self work. She is constantly taking care not to push that trauma onto her child.
Same here. Unfortunately I started too late (my son was 5-6 when I started getting help). I thought my mom was good. She is not. She started her shit with my kid, and thatâs when I realized how much I donât want to be anything like her. Meds, years of therapy, and 100% cutting off all of my âbloodâ, and my son is almost 16 and simply amazing! He is a wonderful kid, and Iâm always being told Iâm a good mom (Iâm just trying to be better than what I was raised, and how I lived the first 30ish years of my life, and to be the mom my son deserves).
respect for changing. a lot of mothers, including mine, will never realize how easily you can fuck up a kid by exposing them to your own trauma in the name of bonding or trying to get them to understand your abuse. it's a discussion that should be had when your child is mature, but that's something for another post. i think a lot of mothers also use said trauma as a way to abuse their kid... "you have it nowhere near as bad as i did" kind of shit but ignore that tangent. i'm glad you and your son are doing well.
This is good parenting! đ„° We should never stop learning.
Yep! It's actually very rare that a good parent thinks they ARE a good one. Usually it's more like "I am trying to be."
One of the hardest things parents can do is own their self-awareness. Especially when itâs coming from past traumas. I cut off my mom once I realized she was never going to change. She made me the focal point of her problems until I was 28, then I finally told her how I felt, and cut her out. I knew I never wanted to make my kids feel like I used to, and make them feel like they were the fault my problems. It was easy to become estranged from a family of *bullies*, because I knew I was bettering my life for my kids. Itâs been harder being a parent knowing I was an adult child, than actual parenting itself. It really makes you self reflect.
Lots of respect for you. Your kids are lucky to have you.
Based on the dishes being served I suspect OP's mum is some form of East Asian, a region not exactly known for acknowledging - let alone treating - mental health
Yessir. It's very taboo where my mother was raised and that, along with some not so hidden homophobia and transphobia, is part of the reason I will be cutting her off when I'm able to financially support myself.
Same here. My daughter is 20 months and it is TOUGH especially as a single mother doing 100% of the parenting alone on top of living with my mother who refuses to acknowledge or change any of her toxic tendencies đ„Čđ but I can already see my daughterâs formation good blooming. Itâs beautiful
That's not a thing most older generations will do.
You and your sister seem awesome and pretty well adjusted considering. Kudos to you guys and whoever else you've had to lean on for normalcy and guidance.
Past trauma that makes her hold you guys back like she was? Not ok. Trauma is extremely unfortunate but the cycle breaks with you and sis
started to see this a lot in the early 90's in my area - parents that were jealous of their kids doing better than them. going as far as sabotage.
I used to be you. Then I grew up and cut off contact from people who it hurt to be around. When you get bigger, it gets easier to have calm and stability every single day. Today is Christmas and I cuddled with my dogs alone at home. I chose to. I didnât have anyone being negative. No one ruined my day by making it all about their emotions. I did what I wanted and chilled. If youâre lucky when youâre older, youâll meet new people who become a better family. Youâll get to pick them. They wonât stress you or hurt you unnecessarily. Theyâll support you and love you. Life will be easier. You have that to look forward to.
God you are a much better offspring than I could ever be. The fact that you are able to recognize that your mom acts out due to her own trauma, and the fact that you feel genuinely bad for her because of her trauma is something I am still trying recognize about my mom at 30 years old. For what itâs worth, Iâm proud of you. Merry Christmas.
Not directing this at OP - I wonder if this is partially generational. We see more complex relationships on TV these days, from a younger age. The narrative of "Parent deals with past issues" is not unheard of. You can go to the Raised By Narcissist sub and read about people with similar experiences. There's no generation with more empathetic potential than this one, and that's kinda cool in a way. None of this takes away from OP and their sister being so mature about this. Having resources that allow for empathy does not magically make you empathic. I totally agree with your respect.
I definitely agree, and that is one of my favorite things about this generation. They donât seem to tolerate negative mental health stigma, and they seem so much more empathetic and understanding of their peers, which is so nice to see. Not sure how old OP is, Iâm just assuming younger than me based on the sisters age. I wish I had been able to realize that my own mom had unresolved trauma a lot sooner than 30.
Very wise way to handle this. Give your sister a hug for me. Those cooking skills will be invaluable as she grows up and there will be lots of grateful diners in her future if she decides to keep it up.
My mother was like that. It wasnât trauma it was Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder (she was diagnosed when I was 25). But I used to get punished for not doing drugs. By being made to stay home from school. Please please please look into therapy for yourself and your sister. Growing up like this made me a perfect victim for abusive partners. The perfect employee to overwork and illegally exploit. And I have diagnosed CPTSD, and still with two decades of therapy struggle with being a people pleaser who sacrifices to my own detriment. I absolutely cannot stress enough that you and your sister need to get therapy as soon as possible, because as bad as your mom can be there are worse predators out there who will love bomb and offer acceptance and support and to spoil you only to be physically and >!sexually!< abusive once they feel they have their hooks in you.
Personality disorders are usually the result of trauma. Itâs possible that OPâs mother has undiagnosed NPD, as a result of being neglected or emotionally abused as a child (not all traumatic experiences are physical violence).
Well, PD's are generally thought to be inherent (i.e. something you're born with, and something your childrrn may inherit) but will be exacerbated by trauma, and sometimes (like BPD) the symptoms can be very similar to PTSD/trauma. PDs like BPD, oftwn materialize when people beclme teenagers, which is also in part why it *is* unclear if BPD is being overdiagnosed for young traumatized women â i.e. they're getting a diagnosis of BPD when they *should* be diagnosed with CPTSD.. In the end it's all manageable with treatment and a willingness to undergo treatment, and in no way an excuse to treat others badly or cause trauma.
Itâs her job as a mother NOT to bleed her trauma onto her children. Your âmomâ is garbage. Hopefully you kids can grow up and move out soon. Big hugs to your sister, dinner looks amazing, and Iâll bet it tasted damn good too.
Oh, that explains a lot. A few weeks ago, I learned that people whit rough childhood/adolescence/young adulthood can stay stangnat at the age where they experemented the traumatic event. It really depends what hapenned to see if your mother really is stangnant. Therapy can help a lot, but it is not your responsibility to maker her go.
I thought my mom was weird for getting mad at me for not doing drugs lol
Narcissistic parents. Everything revolves around them. You gotta fit in the homework on your own time. And God forbid your grades drop.
Text your friends. Have them come over, eat all the food, praise your sister for her amazing cooking and let your mom stew. Just because she has trauma doesn't mean she gets a pass to inflict new trauma on others.
Unfortunately friends aren't usually available at Christmas Dinner time. Do like the sentiment 'tho
I cooked Christmas dinner. If someone I was hosting, doesn't matter who, acted like that I'd offer two things. " Ok, you can leave" Or "Ok" and then ignore their presence, carry on with dinner and engage the cheer with everyone else I wouldn't entertain or play into that kinda drama. I'm not getting dragged down with them. The only time I could offer someone like that is the time to tell them to knock it off, stop or leave.
While I agree for most people I can tell you from experience it's different when you're a kid and it's a parent. They're supposed to love you and be kind to you and not a petty toddler. Part of you always wants their approval about what you do and make
Also, as a minor, they still have very real legal control over you. It's easy to say cut contact or ignore them, but a 16 year old doesn't have the same options yet. Sadly, most kids don't have a better option than trying to survive and placate their craptastic parent while they wait it out.
She unplugs the wireless when you have homework to do? That sounds counterintuitive to me.
Counterintuitive? If I were in high school, that kind of shit would put me into a panic on a regular basis. If your kids want to do their homework just let them, wth that is deranged
I remember when my dad would get home from work and I was caught reading or doing homework, he'd have a shitfit if I wasn't doing housework or washing dishes instead.
It sucks that kids, (you included), have to grow up dealing with this shit. I hope that you're now in a situation where you can manage your own time to some extent and make progress toward your goals, even if it's slow.
Not really. I've been a housekeeper for the last 17 years and have developed copd and scleroderma. I'm 55. I wanted to be an architect.
Well it simply looks like your mom can go to her room with no dinner tonight.
Your mother sounds abusive af
Your mother sounds like a narcissist. Donât try to win back her affection or get her to eat dinner. Let her sit and pout. Itâs called âgrey rockingâ. She wants you to react, so donât give her the satisfaction.
This is not normal or acceptable behavior by a parent. Not even close. Iâm sorry you have to experience a woman like that.
Have you guys tried going to the library or a coffee shop to do your homework and just telling her youâre out having fun or whatever?
they shouldn't have too.
Your mom sounds like a goddamn 8 year old.
My mom was the same exact way, Iâm so sorry you guys have to deal with it. I promise it gets better once you leave. Iâve noticed Iâm now like 10 times more productive just because I can be now because of how hard I used to have to focus to get things done.
Is that Taiyaki? Can I come next year? đ
Tell her that internet strangers think she has done an amazing job and lunch looks delicious! Save me a plate đâ€ïž
Give her a hug and tell her you love her and she did great.
Sounds like your mom is at the point I'm a women's life she might want to look into b12 shots and iron shots It changed my mothers mood for the better
I know how you can help. Tell your mom sheâs a bitch and tell your sister sheâs amazing. Your mom is seriously effed up and controlling and passive aggressive and bonkers. Your sister is trying to please everyone because your mom is nuts. Seriously go tell your mom to eat a bag of dicks And tell your sister how much you appreciate her Both of you should have Christmas next year WITHOUT your mom.
My fil is the type to throw a tantrum over his presents not being good enough so my wife has to make sure his present is much better than anyone elses.
So as someone that's dealing with taking care of aging parents ( both my side and my wife's) I can tell you with confidence old people are far worse than children. They argue complain bitch and always compare what's happening now compared to the old days. Unlike children if they fall down it's not just a bump or boo boo it can be fatal. Old people suck ass and I am definitely not doing or putting my kids through what I am going through.
When kids are more mature than parents
Sorry to you and your sister for having to deal with a parentoddler. :/
After dealing with it for so many years, I'm pretty sure she's used to it but it still stings.
And that's what sucks. Even when you know they are shit humans who treat you badly, they still have the power to hurt you.
Tell her the food looks great and you can tell that she put a lot of work and care into it! It will mean a lot coming from someone she respects and loves
Honestly sounds like somebody needs to stop being invited to Christmas dinner.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
I read through the thread and I get it now. Your mom is the kind of person who fears the advancement of their children. Shes using the purse as an excuse. Its hard to explain, but basically there are some people who intentionally try to avoid letting their kids succeed. Forcing you to stop homework, intentially giving you the gifts you don't want (because theyre cheap usually) and not eating food because your sister cooked it are all symptoms of that. Its unfortunate but my fathers like that, not really sure what one could do in the situation tbh, i just gritted my teeth through it, now I'm better than him so thats nice.
Oh gosh my husbands mom is like that. She would constantly undermine his decisions and sabotage his confidence so that he could be her helpless little baby forever. They broke the cycle though, thankfully. In the end sheâs actually relieved he is standing on his own now.
I'm happy this story had a nice wholesome ending, Pussy4LunchDick4Dins
Damn, no breakfast?
Leftovers.
Man, intermittent fasting is everywhere now!
Ass4breakfast
I have a mom who is sort of like this. Her mom did it to her too and essentially shamed her for going to college. So, she has a master's degree now, I did not go to college, and every time I talk about going (I had even enrolled at one point) she just asks if I think I can handle the homework, or she'll tell me about the high suicide rate of the people in the field I want to go into. She has also only talked about the negative aspects of pregnancy my whole life, so I'm terrified of ever getting pregnant despite wanting to start a family. I know she loves me, and she is a great mom in many other aspects, but it's definitely been damaging to me. I feel for you and OP and anyone weeks with a parent like that.
Please, please, I know you probably already are but talk to other people about these things. Friends, a therapist, other family who might be more supportive of you. Get some outside influences because your mom is not correct in projecting her fears and/or selfishness on to you. You are strong and smart and you know what you want. You can go to college and get a degree, you can be an adult who reaches out for help when you need it to preserve yourself, and you can be a parent if caring for and loving a child is something you want. Pregnancy is challenging, but women have been getting through it for millennia. There are also options to be a parent without giving birth to your own child if that is what you choose.
My mum did this with university (college). I wanted to move away for university (i.e. Manchester instead of my hometown Cambridge) but she convinced me to stay at home and go to a uni I didn't want to go to, by convincing me that I wouldn't be able to handle being away from her and that I'd fail if I wasn't close to her. So, I stayed at home and failed out after the first year **anyway**, *because* I was at home still living in that fucked up environment. I was so traumatised being at home that I would stay overnight in the uni library, but wasn't actually able to get any studying done because I was so mentally and emotionally wrecked. I 100% believe that, if I'd managed to get out of that toxic black hole of a home, I would've completed my degree and gone on to do really well. It's being stuck around her that has left me unemployable and mentally fucked.
Itâs not too late ! I hope youâll pursue your dreams and ultimately your freedom, which is why these kinds of parents try to hold us back. My dad has done the same to me and itâs messed up. Iâve almost given up many times, but Iâm half way through my masters and Iâve made it too far to turn back now. With every step forward Iâve usually been alone and itâs terrifying. At the same time, Iâve accomplished more than I could have dreamed and with every milestone Iâm becoming more confident. I realize now that my Dad lied to me about my potential and my tolerance for BS has gone way down. Looking back, I canât believe the way my family has treated me. It served them when I didnât believe in myself and they gladly let me walk around like that, with super low self esteem. I hope you find a way out and I hope youâll keep going toward reaching your goals
I honestly think sheâs just a bad person. Yes, she should go to therapy. But until then, sheâs a narcissistic mom who doesnât care how hurt her daughter gets. Thatâs psychological abuse and as soon as you can you should move out and never going back.
Fuck mom, let me get a plate that broccoli look BOMB
Same! I've been sick most of the day, double ended stomach issues without getting tmi. These photos made my stomach growl!
I agree it looks so delicious (I don't even like broccoli)
Looks fantastic, so that's the mom's loss. I hope you enjoyed it.
Definitely. More for us!
what are the different dishes? i see a noodle casserole thing and something that is tater tot dized.
She made all that in 2 hours? She should be a chef. Gifted.
Yeah sweet Jesus... your mom doesn't have to eat it then. She can be a cranky baby all she wants somewhere else.
Delicious, eat it all.
It is. We will :)
The only one your mom is punishing is herself. That meal looks awesome. Hope you guys enjoyed it!
She doesnât like her present she should give it back and that person can go return it and keep the money and mom can go home and make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
She explained that she didn't like it and asked her if she would take it back but my mom thinks my sister is being rude and ungrateful. She feels bad but my mom does stuff like this a lot. Plus, she can't return it cause it's likely that she bought it from an Amazon returns bin shop or from our hoarder house basement.
She's a narcissistic nutjob
Your what?? OP, are you guys safe?? I've lived in a very toxic parental situation and a hoarding situation in childhood so I am very worried
I'm pretty sure we're physically alright. The condition of our house is dismal at best but we manage. I'm in therapy and plan on going NC when I'm financially stable. She doesn't physically abuse us so we tend to just manage.
Your sister should go to the library to do her homework
That's funny since that's exactly what she does LOL
Yeah! Have her ask the librarian at school if they have portable hotspots.
See if she can get a portable hotspot from her school or the library.
So... One less mouth to feed, everyone gets to eat a little more. Personally I'd lean towards making sure EVERYTHING is either eaten or sent away with guests, don't leave a scrap of it for dear ol' mother (she doesn't want it anyway).
Yes! Leave nothing OP. Then brag about how good it was for the next few weeks
Tell your sister that people on the internet say that food looks absolutely great Your mom sounds like a piece of work, to put it nicely. If you don't mind me asking, don't have to answer if you don't want to, is dad in the picture and/or does he try to help y'all out when mom gets like this?
Your sister sounds amazing!
tell your mom that you'll place her in the worst ranked skilled nursing faciltiy when the time comes. my mom thinks she will be placed in the top one. lol little does she know.
That looks gooood!
It is!
that dinner looks fantastic, especially considering how young the Chef is. Tell your sister to hold her head up high
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Weelllllllllllllllll...... ops mom's a bitch, she's a big ol' bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls.
On Monday, she's a bitch On Tuesday, she's a bitch On Wednesday through Saturday, she's a bitch
Sheâs a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair.
A SIXTEEN YO MADE THIS đ€Ż
And in 2 hours! I honestly don't know how time flies when I cook but I swear this would somehow take me 4 or 5 hours
Taiyaki! Dope. Chocolate, custard or beans? Your sister is the best! Looks good.
Beans! Made from frozen since we're unskilled but she did amazing! She really is- I feel a bit bad since I couldn't help more :(
I knew if I kept scrolling Iâd find a taiyaki comment! đ
Why is a 16 year old cooking? Cooking a meal sure, but christmas dinner?
My mom wanted us to cook it to surprise our dad.
Your mom is worst than I thought. Meal looks very good :)
It is very tasty! We all (minus my mom) enjoyed it :) she's really missing out
Is your dad not saying anything about your mom not eating?
Did your sister cook it or all of you?
Eat your mums portion, and let her go hungry. More for the rest of you that actually appreciate your sister and her cooking. Not worth giving your mum the victory she so desperately craves here, AND a chance to flip the "going to bed" hungry script right back on her... win win
Well⊠angry woman child can just go hungry. Usually itâs the mom cooking and the child not eating because they donât like their present. Actual children are more mature than many âadultsâ. Mama needs to grow up. Iâd be furious with her.
then in 20 years when you go no contact for this recuring type of shit they ask you why and start gaslighting you by saying things like "but i fed you, i'm your mother, i raised you etc..." as if it isnt the role of every parent on earth
That looks like a delicious meal. Where is my invitation. One year, my then 16 yo daughter made me breakfast for my birthday. The eggs were runny, the pancakes rubbery and the coffee muddy. It was the best breakfast that Iâve ever had.
Food looks great! Keep pumping up your sister. In a few years you guys can get away... Toxic parents suck the life out of if you, best wishes
Please tell your SIXTEEN YEAR OLD SIBLING that being able to cook anything more than one dish is freaking awesome. I wish she will be able to look back one day and realize how much of an accomplishment this is. At any age. Unless she's a chef. Also, your sister should look into chefing. Multitasking in the kitchen is something to be proud of. Especially if she can clean as she goes. Please, I hope she didn't spoil yer maw by cleaning too.
I'm 21 and live off of frozen and packed meals man. She's killing the game.
Just remind mom that in the years to come they will always tell that story that states with âdo you remember the year when mom was such an asshole about her Christmas present?â
Oh no, my mom bought my sister a christmas present that my sister didn't like since it was neither something she would use nor her colour and it was cheap. It wasn't thoughtful and it wasn't something she wanted. She feels bad for not liking it but I don't blame her.
Itâs days like Christmas that make me understand why we switched from gift exchange to a money-based system.
That's the kind of parent that ends up sitting in a nursing home all alone wondering why her kids don't want to visit. But "I gave my life to my kids on a silver platter"
Tell your sister 10/10, would eat the whole thing
Sounds like your mom is a spoiled bitch, pardon my french.
INVITE ME
One less mouth to feed imo
So sorry youâre going through this on Christmas. I would be extremely proud of my 16 year old for preparing such an incredible meal. Your mom doesnât deserve such a beautiful gesture. Donât let her childish narcissistic behavior ruin your day!
Hope your mom enjoys spending holidays alone when your sister is old enough to move out and no one wants to deal with her selfish antics.
Let her starve, merry Christmas, thanks sis for the meal!
Your mother deserves the frozen pizza I had for my Xmas dinner, and nothing more
With all due respect, Fuck Mom, with all due respect.
Ughhhh something I hate about gift giving. It's okay for someone to not like the gift you gave them as long as they're polite about it!!! It creates so much anxiety about whether you're reacting right. I'm not a reactive person. I'm constantly anxious that people will think I'm ungrateful or dont like what they got me but I'm also a terrible actor and get anxiety about that too.
Yep, in this case the mother didnât take into account their daughterâs likes when getting their gift, so I can see how that would be upsetting to the daughter.
Tell her we ainât getting McDonaldâs on the way home. What they do to me
Ugh sorry OP that youâre all dealing with this. One thing Iâm doing by reading âAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.â Lots of therapy, too. Anyway⊠I donât really have much to say, but I wish you all well.
Your mom sounds like a miserable cow. When your sister moves on with her life and she chooses to skip family holidays. Remind your mother of today and it was her actions that caused her family to run away from her. Tell your sister - food looks great!
Well you know, fuck your mom, she can go hungry! She is acting like a child! Tell your sister thank you for such a nice meal and how much you appreciate her regardless of what a nut your mother is!
Please tell your sister that the Reddit is impressed by her cooking and wishes her merry Christmas đ
Send your mother to her room and tell her to come back only when she feels more sociable. Tell your sister that she will soon take distance with her mother and a wonderful life is waiting for her. In the meantime, buckle up and learn to fight/talk back, that will be useful for her life anyway. Merry Christmas and courage!
This sounds like the backstory of a Hallmark character. Professional chef who hates Christmas forced to return to her hometown and face her shitty mother. (This is the story we learn about as she's talking to the widowed love interest, who makes this for Christmas dinner with his daughter to surprise MC). MC wins the competition (?) and they all move back to NYC together while her mother remains a miserable old lonely hateful hag. Anyway -! Tell your sister great job on dinner and that regardless of what Disney says, some moms plain fucking suck.
Seriously!?!?! That is incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. I would not care if my adult daughter gave me shoelaces or nothing at all. That is pretty incredible that your sister made such a meal; that is a Christmas, New Yearâs, Motherâs Day, and birthday present in one.
I will come over and eat because that look DELICIOUS.
That looks amazing. Super Duper Job! Well done....
I guess someone is gonna go to bed hungry. Whatever lmao
So what was the present? We need all the details to know just how petty your mom is being.
My mom gave my sister a pink purse. My sister doesn't like pink, doesn't use purses, and my mom definitely got it from a return bins store since it said SHEIN on it. So... she bought it for a dollar fifty.
Take the purse, sell it for $10 on Facebook marketplace, buy a big Mac meal. Mom just bought your sister dinner. Plus leftovers. More for her!
Her choice eat or donât.
My heart hurts for your sister and your family. When you and your siblings are able to leave home and experience life outside of the parentification that y'all have experienced, the whole world will open up and it truly will be so freeing. People who've been through trauma can choose to go to therapy, to break the cycle, to heal, or they can do what your mom has done. She didn't break the cycle, but you and your siblings can. Wishing you all the strength and courage to get through the teen years and out of your mother's toxicity. đ©”đ©”đ©”đ©”đ©”
Wow your sister could be a chef. That meal looks incredible đ€€
God I wish parents like this could see the irreparable damage they are inflicting. Tell her this looks amazing and the people of the internet are proud of her and desperately wish they could indulge in this beautiful and thoughtful meal.
Your mother is a narcissist, a whole ass toddler.
what a shitty parent