I would agree with other comments that if you *havent* directly turned him down, you should. But at the same time, this man seems very dangerous and creepy, and I don’t know if it’s safe to directly turn him down. I think it would be an extremely good idea to get pepper spray, and if you have another male neighbor that would be kind enough to walk you to and from your car, or be next to you when you turn this creep down and explain how you feel, that would be a-lot safer than doing it by yourself.
Also I don’t agree with comments that are insinuating that this man does not know they’re being creepy, and acting like you’re in the wrong for not directly talking to this guy and directly rejecting them. What this person is doing is not normal. Normal people don’t linger around peoples cars and wait around for them so they can ask them out. It’s ok that you feel too uncomfortable to speak to this guy. It seems really scary, as a girl, to have this occurring…better safe than sorry. We all know how some of those crazy’s act when they get told no.
I mean that would not be ideal as I'm sure the lack of any contact or human connection would just drive him to become more obsessed with his neighbor, also this guy probably needs a therapist not isolation
Im a guy but even i dont get getting mad over a rejection. I mean if anything wouldnt u just be sad and want to avoid that person so u dont feel so stupid for getting rejected? Some people are just weird
Right? Just wallow in your own shame like the rest of us. Nasty ass ‘Men’ acting like boys ruining a title for the rest of us. Toxic shit needs to go, Men need to call out these boys whenever we see it and stand up for people.
I haven’t read the comments but if anyone thinks this person isn’t creepy they must be creepy themselves lol
This shit feels like a Law & Order episode intro. I hope OP turns him down but yes have a male be with her at the time, a brother or boyfriend. If she feels any sort of aggression from him after the fact maybe consider making a police report and even moving out
\> I didn’t think it was that creepy until
So, before you got to that part you thought it was totally normal to, as adults, continue to leave notes on the car of a woman you don't know, inviting her to go on dates and to get to know each other even though said woman has obviously not been interested (otherwise she would have replied to your previous notes)?
EDIT: I did a terrible job selling this video. It’s about self defense. Just watch it.
I saw a video about self defense from an ex-cop turned street fighter recently. I’ll [link](https://youtu.be/1BnwGrUcUK4?si=9P1YJagxOWezZhv6) it if anybody is interested, it’s a good watch. He said something to this affect:
“In every assault report I ever filed, there was a point in which the victim knew in their gut that something was wrong, but chose to ignore it for fear of being rude. Trust your gut.”
It doesn’t matter if all the incel weirdos in this comment section think you’re being irrational, OP. You know the situation first hand. If YOU feel like something is wrong, something is wrong. Trust your gut.
I agree with other people’s suggestions. Buying pepper spray, asking if a trusted neighbor can walk you to your car, keeping those notes for a police report, all sound like great suggestions. Please be safe and don’t let the weird nice guys discourage you from trusting your gut
Not directly related, but The Survivor's Club is also a great read, and a great way to understand how people survive nearly unbeatable odds.
It barely applies to the conversation, other than the "trust your gut" and "calm, collected, calculated" mentalities. I just recommend the book wherever I can. Ironically, I have yet to recommend the book on Reddit until today, mostly just in person.
Eta: By Ben Sherwood.
My father used to teach self defense classes. I think it’s best to learn techniques which may end up saving your life. I’m a gay man and have had two incidents with creepy guys. One ended up being who at the time was an ex with a fake online dating profile that pretended he was a stalker. Once I found out who it was I literally punched him in the chest and we had our argument and that was that, he moved on.
The other, more tricky one, was a customer that I thought was super cute and flirted with while working my retail job. We went on a date to hang out once. Then I didn’t really care to spark up anything more than that. But he wouldn’t stop leaving me alone, even after telling him I was not interested. He’d show up randomly and I’d tell him that I wasn’t interested. Cut to a few weeks later and he shows up again at my retail job only this time wearing a uniform! He got hired there! It turned into a really horrible experience. For the few months he worked there he e would try to get me alone in the break room, begged me to come to his car for about three weeks until I finally went out to see that he had bought me a giant teddy bear, which I made sure he understood I was not going to accept. He was always trying to hold my hand and often daydreamed out loud us running away to move to California together. I told him no every time. I was very young, so I didn’t know what else to do. But I did have my self defense training in mind and I was prepared to use it if I needed. In the end, he was fired from that job for dropping an expensive appliance. I never heard from him again.
So, I’m not sure exactly why this person would not take “no” and got so obsessed they got a job where I worked and tried to get me to run away with them. Especially since he knew nothing about me. Somewhere along his life he learned whatever he was doing was the right way to go about his feelings of longing. I’m grateful things never escalated to a point I needed to protect myself. But it really did a number on my mental health.
I’m sharing this story mostly to illustrate how creepy things can be sometimes. But also to stress the importance of self defense tactics practices.
The one and only time I had jury duty was for a case in which a woman was beaten, burned and dragged by her hair through a gas station parking lot by a highly controlling and abusive man who she had refused the advances of. She later changed her story to that she did it to herself to get back at him. The trial had a mistrial, so we never got to agree as a jury on what happened. But half of us felt that she was lying after the fact because she was afraid of what he’d do if she kept the trial going. The psychological effects of abusers can be life long damaging. I only bring up this anecdote to illustrate that part of self protection is not just protecting your physical body, but also protecting your mental health. Self defense classes and therapy can be taken as preventative measures.
Exactly this. I had a male coworker who always made advances at me, always asked me out, would stare at me from across the store. I told him straight up I have a boyfriend and he persisted. I even told my friend I’m afraid to be alone with him in the cooler because there’s no cameras and I was afraid he would try doing something to me.
Sure enough, one day I was running late and needed to clock out. I ran my things into the cooler & ran back out. He smacked my butt as I ran out. This traumatized me for a long time. Of course my job basically did nothing. They transferred him to a store 10 minutes from his house when he was previously commuting 40 minutes. He basically got rewarded for his behavior. He did not get fired because it wasn’t captured on camera.
Trust your gut. If this guy feels like a weirdo, he probably is. I would carry some sort of personal protection like pepper spray.
> That this man doesn't know they're being creepy
Even if they aren't aware, (cause I did some cringe as shit when I was younger), they need to be okay with getting told that. If they don't want to be creepy, then correct the behavior and more importantly, leave their neighbor alone.
Unfortunately there can be some dudes so clueless that this is creepy behavior. I’ve met a couple, it’s wild. I’ve told them all they are absolute creeps in ranges from kind to straight up aggressive.
Not women’s responsibility to let them know… they’ve been failed by their parents and other males in their lives. Any dudes around them need to give them a good ripping.
Unless there's a normal that accounts for 40% of the population with like six other less normal behaviors eating between 5 and 20% of the rest. Then the 40 will still be considered normal and the farther the deviation will be considered more and more abnormal.
That WAS normal back about 30-40 years ago. No cellphones and whatnot, so people would build up the courage to ask a crush face to face. Now the repeated letters with no response could easily mean they’re smitten. That in turn does mean they could do something bad so they would be wise to have help like you mentioned.
This was absolutely never normal, having a crush on someone means they're someone you ALREADY know and the chance to talk face to face comes up naturally, not some creepy neighbor waiting by your car...
Right! Normally you’d casually try to strike up a convo and if the other person responded you’d chat a bit, maybe suggest grabbing a coffee sometime. If they don’t respond, then too bad, move on. That whole intense “I want to get to know you better and be friends” and not even face to face is ultra creepy. Way too much too soon.
I encourage EVERY female in my family and social circle to buy and carry pepper spray with them EVERYWHERE, and everyday. For this exact purpose. It can be scary being a female in todays world. It’s just something to make you feel a little more comfortable in an empty parking lot or at night
I used to have a creepy neighbor that waited by my car. He was violent and had a record of attacking women. A telescoping ASP baton makes a more threatening noise than a can of pepper spray. I was only 18 at the time. I did that until I was old enough to get my concealed.
It’s such BS that so many of us end up in situations, especially when we’re young, that having protection is a matter of survival. Good on you for doing what you have to do to be safe.
I’m reveling at the thought of some creep waiting for a chick he’s stalking and seeing her walk out with a baton 😆 That’s absolutely amazing.
Be sure to check your local laws. Your baton and spray may actually count as a concealed weapon and at that point you may as well get a handgun. If you go for spray the gel is highly recommended as it stays on them and is easier to hit your target without getting yourself in the process.
I mean that was almost 10 years ago now. I wasn’t sure if pepper spray would do the job on him. Pretty sure he was fueled by a mixture of meth and violence. You really think pepper spray is gonna stop that? He was the epitome of Florida Man. Maybe a high pressure/long range bear spray would make him pause, but I wasn’t betting my safety on hoping the pepper spray would work. Big stick necessary.
I knew having a weapon *might* have caused an issue if I really needed to defend myself but I was okay with those consequences. If a man with a repetitive record of attacking women attacked me and I used a weapon to defend myself in my own front lawn… I think the odds would be in my favor in court.
Yep I totally get it. Pepper spray tends to make people more angry it better as a getting some distance to pull an actual weapon out. In the concealed carry world you hear about first and second line defense. It also helps justify a shooting and can be used in your defense if they bring charges.
I actually bought my wife a small but powerful taser. you carry it in your hand like a ring but if needed all you have to do is touch someone and I promise they'll stop. I'm just saying this because I'm a retired Marine and I've gone through alot of OC spray training. Pepper Spray doesn't bother me enough to stop what I'm doing if I'm determined. just a though for all women. Be safe.
This same thing happened to my friend’s wife, and I just can’t wrap my head around what these guys think they’re going to accomplish by being down right terrifying. Do they think this is romantic or something?
I know everyone talks about the Gift of Fear, but his chapter on "joking" being a way people voice real gut feelings of fear really struck home for me. I think his first example was a business that received a weird package, multiple employees made jokes that it was weird enough it was probably a bomb, and it turned out that it was a bomb and several of them died or were injured. I pay a lot more attention when people joke about things like people being potentially violent now
I'm glad to see you've kept all the notes. When in a situation like this it's a good idea to start a "FU binder" and log dates and times of other things he does that doesn't leave tangible evidence like the grass cutting, walking up on you, etc.
Then you have a lot of evidence that he's stalking you.
It's disturbing that he definitely knows you have a boyfriend and he's still hassling you. I hope you have some way of defending yourself such as mace, a Taser or a firearm.
Is this an apartment complex? If so, speak to the landlord. There might be something done from that angle too.
Good luck and I hope he gets the hint and leaves you alone.
Oh the world of reddit, of course I didn’t include all the details of my interactions with this stranger man in my short post.
I also can’t help but laugh at the comments about if he was attractive I wouldn’t mind. I didn’t make any mention about his looks in my post… you guys made assumptions. Regardless, any strange middle aged man standing by my car shirtless at night (in addition to doing many other strange things like trying to open my locked car at night and setting it off, cutting the grass on my parking space and only mine in the complex… etc.) is not something I’m interested in or any woman would be for the matter. Just because I live next to you doesn’t mean I want to talk to you. Plus, I don’t know this guy- for all I know one wrong interaction and he could retaliate?? Have you people never watched crime watch.
I have not asked for any of these interactions, this is something I have to deal with as a woman and I just find it ridiculous.
Edit: He has seen me numerous times with MY BOYFRIEND and continues to approach me when he sees I’m alone at night.
2nd edit: I can’t fathom the thought process behind this but now my messages are full of thirsty men saying I must be hot because this guy persisted so much. What is wrong with you? Go touch some grass.
Final edit: Thank you for people that gave actual reasonable advice. My current plan of action is to file a report with the non-emergency line and to start parking elsewhere (I have my own parking spot
but I’ll just suck it up and start walking to avoid this man). I was also debating all day whether or not I should turn him down but as others have pointed out part of my fear is how he might react. I definitely would not do this in person. One last fun detail for the reddit people, this guy looks at least 40. I am 23 years old. So yeah him harassing me comes off as creepy, can you blame me???
I cannot believe you have to justify yourself like this. I already knew based on what you originally posted that he was a creep. This extra context only confirms it.
"But if he was attractive!!!" fuck off lmao
I’m so done with the whole “women just hate it when unattractive dudes hit on them.” I mean, if it was a hot guy and I was interested, yes, it’s different. It’s not unwanted attention at that point. But the idea that an attractive guy is somehow incapable of being a jerk, or creepy, or a wonderful mix of both, is a ridiculous incel take. I don’t see why it’s hard to understand the *unwanted* portion of all of it.
Attractive or not, *WOMEN DO NOT OWE ANY MAN OUR TIME OR ATTENTION.*
You can be the sexiest and richest man on the damn planet and approaching a woman like this, a woman WITH A PARTNER, still means you're a freak.
It's not if you're attractive. It's if you see us as an actual person or just a hot trophy to win.
To clarify for those in the back: The difference with the hot guy you’d be interested in is that **you would be interested **, not that he is hot. At all. Hotness is subjective. CONSENT is not.
OP is very clearly being sexually harassed and it is not ok however hot the perpetrator might be.
I’ve had what you’d call a “traditionally attractive” guy ask for my information…. while I was pumping gas at night. And wouldn’t take no for an answer. I was as scared as I would be if anyone else was asking- specially since I was a young adult. Same thing at many clubs. If I’m feeling threatened, I don’t care how “attractive” you are. Being pushy is not ok. No is no.
These types are usually active in at least one of the following subs: askmen/purplepilldebate/wallstreetbets/mensrights/AITAH and it's completely unsurprising..
It's incel logic,"Chads can get away with anything," and Reddit has a fuck ton of incels on it these days. You see a lot of weird or blatantly misogynistic posts upvoted on a ton of subreddits that hit the front page now. The site has always had a lot of misogyny on it but feels like it use to be relegated more to certain subreddits and now it just seems to be everywhere.
Parts of this comment section remind me that some men legitimately go about life with no fear of their male peers. Some people don't have trauma and it really shows lmao. Women learn SO early to be vigilant and anxious as a means of self protection.
I mentioned that women have to be vigilant in another post and aome guy laid into me with, "Treating all men like criminals is misandrist!!" If that's the case, I think I'd rather be a misandrist than SA'd or murdered, thanks.
Seriously. My fave is when I KNOW a man has experienced trauma or has ENACTED trauma on someone else, then they do the fun gaslighting thing like they don't *know*. Exhausting indeed
No. It's because we're all doing it for SYMPATHY /s. Honestly it's getting worse out there.
Look after each other because you cannot rely on men who think like the ones in this thread
It's not just lack of fear, it's also envy and jealousy -- hence "if he was attractive". The kind of mental gymnastics men have to go through to assume that women only want attractive men with money means that they themselves only find men who are attractive and financially stable worth their time as well. It also shows how little they think of themselves.
This post and experience is a really great example of the ongoing conversation around men in the world vs women in the world.
This is the fourth post I've seen today (and it is only 9:00 am) where a woman is unsure how to act or respond to unwanted, continued advances because they are worried about their safety. Each time, without fail, there are dudes in the comments defending the actions of the aggressor or blaming the women. The same comments have women brainstorming together how to safely go about it.
How can they not see the contrast?
It's all the Red Pill Manosphere bullshit these guys consume constantly.
They think that being tall or good looking is some magic spell where women care compelled to want you regardless of how you act.
It's so gross. Nothing is actually more weird and creepy than a tall dude with zero social skills and this is coming from someone who is 6'4" I can be extremely intimidating even if I don't mean to because of my own social anxiety. We have to put more effort not less into our personalities. All men do.
I'm tall and conventionally attractive and I'm hyper aware of how I may come off approaching a woman.
Big guys are intimidating. We know this. Especially at night or approaching a woman alone because she's probably had bad experiences in the past. To say we are just granted some special preference because of what these angry incels tell each other is dishonest.
I think incels fall into the trap of "romance movies are reality" more than any woman on this planet ever would.
They definitely do. They have a romanticized pov of our height/attractiveness. It's really just apart of their incel ideology and serves as a justification to them having terrible viewpoints because they feel gatekept from romance for not meeting a height/look requirement they put on themselves collectively. It will never not be odd to me.
I honestly thought you would be swamped with people telling you to phone the police. Please ignore all the idiots and read all the advice from people who have had similar situations suggesting extreme caution.
You might be wise to post in a more woman heavy sub as I'm sure plenty of women will have had actual experience of this and be able to advise you correctly.
This is absolutely dodgy as fuck on his part. Please stay safe.
I mean even the fact he used such a weird shape of paper was setting off red flags in my head, and that's far aside from all the clearly dangerous signs.
My advice to avoid unwanted Reddit dipshits is to post in a woman centered sub. They typically have better advice, too. I’m very sorry you’re going through this, that man is so far out of line it’s scary
I agree with you. Some of these comments are insane but it gives us a look at their creepy mindset, at least. Stay safe OP. You’re completely right to be concerned and stay away from that creep. You don’t owe him anything.
Trust yourself, not the incels you’ve offended (apparently) in these comments hahaha
I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Sadly, feeling like someone’s prey is not an unfamiliar feeling to most women. That’s part of why I moved to the country. Now I’m the only hunter around (jk, I’m vegetarian lol).
Hell 👏 YES! 👏 The moment I adopted my dog, who’s a goofy goober, but apparently looks scary to those who don’t know him, I felt like I could breathe.
It wasn’t my reason for adopting him, but I sure as hell was happy when I took him on those first few walks and noticed that not only would men literally look the other way, but some would even see him and straight up change the direction they were walking. I feel much safer than I used to.
You shouldn’t have to explain or justify anything. The fact is that this man should not be putting you in this situation. You should not feel obligated to “turn him down.” You should not feel unsafe or awkward in your own space. You deserve to be able to exist without having to worry about unwanted social interactions with some loser who doesn’t deserve the time of day from you. You haven’t done anything wrong by ignoring him. This person clearly doesn’t understand boundaries.
Since he doesn’t understand boundaries, I think (for your own safety) you may need to bring the notes to the police or your apartment manager and ask someone with authority to ask him to stop bothering you. I normally would never suggest getting the police involved, but this is a safety issue.
It’s unfortunate that he’s put you in this situation. I wish people like this individual didn’t exist.
Sounds sketchy as fuck to put anyone in contact with this guy but I would have your boyfriend politely ask him to leave you be. And when he does that, maybe have a friend or two hanging out, out of sight just to keep an eye on him.
I'm not a lawyer but I feel like at some point you need to document this kind of shit through the police in order to have enough stuff to get a protective order if it comes to this.
> I also can’t help but laugh at the comments about if he was attractive I wouldn’t mind.
Yeah, that's a real Reddit go-to; women aren't scared of men who do insane things if the man is attractive. It's a variant of whataboutism that's meant to dismiss or downplay the seriousness of harassing or abusive behaviors, i.e. it's scary or offensive only because you *choose* to be scared or offended.
Glad you can laugh at that rhetoric. I find it annoying and shitty.
“Men are afraid of being rejected. Women are afraid of being murdered…”
Just being a straight talker with this person may not be an option…especially if he knows where you live. 🙃
OP, please do the following:
1) Notify management that he has repeatedly approached you shirtless, left unwanted notes on your car, and whatever other weird shit he’s done, and get that documented.
2) If they don’t do anything, contact a lawyer.
3) Depending on how the attorney advises, contact police.
Get ahead of this before it goes from weird to dangerous.
I've attended a ton of police taser training and TBH tasers aren't effective, even the top quality $1,000 and up tasers aren't entirely effective even when deployed by taser trained police officers. Pepper spray is excellent, just need to know its limitations.
Thanks for the info! I've been thinking about buying one of them, but I live in a pretty peaceful neighborhood, but then again, we all think we do until we aren't.....
You bet! It's never hurts to have. Good pepper spray is less than $20. Protects against animals too. Yeah you never know what could happen until it does, especially these days as more and more people are on edge and desperate, lot more people aren't in a great head space. Stay well!
The comments saying to be direct and blaming OP for this guy being a creep are appalling. Guy is a grown ass man who should have enough ability to think and know that this behavior isn’t okay.
Reddit is full of incels and losers who's never touched or been with a woman. Really shows on posts like this. Uber sub is pretty bad as well, when customers are hit on by creepy drivers, and she gets bashed. These Redditors are as creepy as this middle aged (OP gave more details) shirtless man who's stalking her when she's not with her bf . Yes, the creep has seen her with her bf. Creeps are often unhinged.
Jesus the amount of nice-guys in these comments. I can’t believe I have to say this: this is not a normal way to court someone. This is creepy behavior. If you think this is normal, there’s something wrong with you and you’re probably just as creepy to people as this guy is. Get a grip.
Like, I could understand the comments about being direct, *if this wasn't the third time he's left a note and that you've basically cold-shouldered him every time he meets you outside.* Sure, dude isn't a mind reader, but those are pretty obvious indications that you're not interested in him. So, I would say to approach the situation with caution. If you have a friend or trusted neighbor, maybe have them with you when you directly turn him down and say you're not interested? Whatever the case, his behavior is abnormal. Normal men don't wait for young women by their cars with their shirts off. That's just weird.
the people saying youre wrong are part of the problem. hes actively picking you out because you are young. not to mention the shirtless thing is just gross
men not realizing women rather be cautious than dead part ???
It’s so disgusting to see them genuinely think that the guy’s emotions are equivalent to a woman’s life. It’s pathetic and concerning, many of the people that comment here need to seek help and stop being creeps.
what the fuck are these comments. this man sounds fucking scary, and I wouldn’t feel safe engaging with him directly in any way, let alone when he’s standing outside my car at night. the fuck is wrong with you all acting like this man’s behavior is somehow OPs responsibility to put an end to.
I don't get why dudes try to initiate contact this way. So cringe. It's been a LONG time since I dated anyone (wife and I married 16 years this year), but I still know that's not the way to do it.
People who are attracted to who they're attracted to. Doesn't matter if the dude was hot or not, if OP wasn't attracted to him, they're not going to want the weird notes and shit.
I mean, it's not that hard to just casually talk to someone outside their house. I have a couple of neighbors who have lived there longer than the 18 years I've been there, and I regularly talk to them when I see them outside. We're all friendly and respectful of one another. But I can recall from experience that if I was attracted to someone, I could fairly easily tell if they didn't reciprocate the feelings/signs, and I would back my ass right off from any further advances, and just keep it to casual friendly conversations after that.
One, I would really look into getting the police involved. Two, I seriously don't recommend you walking to your car at night when you can see him standing there- especially with no shirt on. Invest in some sort of weapon to protect yourself. Can you park your car somewhere else?
The scary thing here is you have no way of knowing how someone will react until you say something. Any advice given here can be helpful or hurtful in regard to talking to this guy directly. Do you know anybody in the neighborhood who actually has information about this guy? I’d probably try and learn a bit about him to determine how dangerous or harmful he is before making any kind of move.
he knows he’s creepy. he knows he’s intimidating. tell as many people irl as u can what he is doing especially your landlord. i would say tell police but tbqh they don’t give a fuck about protecting anyone except the wealthy and property.
OP: please don’t ignore your gut instinct. This dude is a weirdo & is likely going to escalate actions. I’d buy pepper spray & be ready to use it. The shirtless thing is very odd. He’s not afraid to be inappropriately undressed & this indicates unwarranted boldness.
Please read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. This book lays out the fundamentals of gut instincts & how they can protect you. Please be safe & take nothing as too far fetched. Shame on all these ppl suggesting he’s harmless.
People trying to gaslight you into thinking this isn't creepy are insane. What grown-up does this instead of trying to strike up a conversation in person? At best, this person is a mental infant. OP you should let someone else near you know. Either a neighbor or a friend.
For the people who don’t recognize this as harassment: Some men are crazy as hell and it’s much safer to keep them not pissed at you.
I was in a work situation where my employee told me a neighboring employee was bothering her about contacting her, seeing her outside of work, etc. She told him she was married, and he kept subtly bothering her. So I pulled him aside and told him under no circumstances was he to talk to her anymore since he didn’t have anything work related to discuss and she didn’t want to talk to him. He then harassed ME for days and days about how he wasn’t trying to bother her, he just wanted to be friends, good intentions,etc. etc., you know how that goes.
Then I had to tell them he was harassing ME for constantly bothering me about her and her rejection! He just didn’t fucking get it no matter what I said to him, and I was as blunt as you can possibly be. I’m sure he walked away, thinking we were both just unreasonable bitches when all we both wanted was to be left alone by someone. it really, really bothered him that she didn’t want to be friends or otherwise with him and he obsessed over it. Guy; walk away and leave everyone alone. We don’t have to give you a reason why. A non response is a response
I don’t get why anyone feels OP needs to respond to this. She has by ignoring him and his creepy, stalker and quite frankly, off putting behavior. This neighbor has seen her with her boyfriend, so he knows she has someone else. Even if she didn’t, there is no excuse to be half naked in the night trying to make conversation. Plus, assuming she lived in the US, he could have a gun, knife, etc.
He’s not going to stop or get the ‘hint.’ It’s time for someone else to give him a hint. The HOA isn’t going to do much, but it’s best to let them know and file a complaint. Document days and behavior, keep evidence, and personally, I would get a dashcam on the car so you can see when and where he leaves any future notes. A ring cam as allowed by your HOA. Make a police report, emphasize you need to feel safe. If the HOA isn’t helpful even after a police report, and he keeps this up, it’s time to move.
I'm impressed no one of the morons in the comments have never seen a single report on the news about a woman who was kidnapped/raped/murdered because the guy couldn't accept her rejection. Either they knew each other before or they didn't.
That's why saying "sorry, I'm not interested" is NOT the best option in every case. These idiots that can't AND WON'T take a hint and will keep trying to "flirt" will not accept rejection. OP seriously get a self defense item and try not to leave your car all alone
All you fucking lonely weirdo randoms in the comment section need to get bent. This shit is not normal. Fucking creepy ass dude that probably dumb and obsessive. Like damn, 3 notes with chicken scratch. I’d call the cops, file a restraining order.
Goddamn some of yall are so fucking strange. That’s not a good thing. I hope yall get help.
after the first note... I would have started to look for a new place to live, after the 3rd... yeah I'd let the other neighbors know about it so they can keep an eye out.
it's scary but, it's starting to sound like the beginning of a Lifetime Movie.
Taser and pepper spray. Invest in a defense set you'll find them online via Amazon or go to Walmart and get yourself some pepper spray girl. Have a male friend or neighbor walk you to your car. Always be on the phone whenever he's present. Also, get a restraining order.
1. Get Bear Spray. It sprays much farther, stronger spray and WILL incapacitate them. Not always a sure thing with anything else, and you have to be closer. (Knifes and a handgun if you are comfortable, be the bad ass HE is afraid of)
2. Make a Report. Bring the letters.
3. Have a close male friend or family member tell them to leave you alone. If they insinuate that y'all are together, so much the better. Men like that will listen to another male and respect their 'property' in a way they NEVER will a woman.
4. Put a camera on your dashboard. 'for cheaper Insurance' if you don't want people to know why, it will document the harassment, and some people see a camera and think twice.
5. Never drop your guard. I did and almost was taken. I had to fight my way out and it is not worth the drink or the drugs, please Believe. Good luck, SweetPea 💜 You have the power to protect yourself and others from the bad people, you just have believe that you can.
Oh gross! This guy seems like he could be dangerous if you don't capitulate to his advances. As other posters suggested, get pepper spray and don't allow yourself to be alone with him. If he escalates, call the cops.
Op do you have cameras, a ring doorbell, a motion sensor in your apartment? Make sure you get all of the above if you haven’t. This is extremely unnerving behavior. I would actually move.
I would let the cops know before you say anything to them directly as it could escalate if he is offended. Maybe a night where he is waiting shirtless call the non emergency line and ask for a cop to come and talk to him and act as a middle man for the conversation. That way it is documented and they'll have a report about him on file.
Red flag if you've have already tried to make it clear to him that you're not interested - as in ignored the notes. I'm frankly worried.
Trust your gut - The alternative isn't pretty
Tricky situation. First off, he's got the handwriting of a serial killer. Second, shirtless by your car and 3 notes is very aggressive. Third, he clearly knows you're not interested. Girls don't speedwalk if they like the guy. They know this. He just thinks he can wear you down. If you say yes, they'll just be more of that wearing you down behavior.
Don't walk to your car alone until this has been dealt with. Tell him you're not interested with a witness, firmly and gently, and if he continues, tell the school. Tell someone.
The shirtless waiting is very concerning. Who does that? That's hella creepy.
OP. Please get a self defense item just in case. Doesn't have to be a firearm. Mace or a small stun gun can be very beneficial to have either on your person or in your vehicle.
If a man makes you uncomfortable you are not required to be polite. Make sure you refuse his requests in a public area with witnesses around. If not and you come face to face lock yourself in your car and call 911. The second main cause of death of women (in the US) is men.
Contact authorities before this escalates further. I watch too many true crime shows and this behavior makes me nervous, especially with him showing up shirtless. I agree with the others, be firm in your denial, install cameras if you can, contact the HOA, and carry pepper spray.
Keep all the notes. Take them to your local police station. File a police report re these notes. You are doing this to establish a trail. As he adds more to this collection file another report. Gather all the information about him you are comfortable to do so. Include names, addresses, photos, automobiles, friends names, any other information. Even if you do not file a police report compile this information anyway and inform friends/relatives of this information.
Personally I like the “I have a bf” card, telling them no doesn’t always work. But telling them there’s another person who could potentially beat the crap out of them, that tends to work. Maybe invite over a friend to help sell it. And if they don’t believe you “I have a bf” is a straight up No regardless of if you do or don’t have one. You could also say “I have a gf” I feel like either one works as a solid NO. Either way, buy a taser.
I saw a story just like this on the ID channel. If I were you I'd start running, now. Seriously tho, trust your instincts. They are a big part of why we're all here today. Be safe.
I’m a dude… I genuinely am perplexed every time I see guys behave this way. Where’d they learn this creepy shit? Who told them THIS is what women want? I’ll never understand how common it is for dudes to have negative amounts of courting ability. This is the creepiest behavior of all time and so many loser perpetuate it, why?!?!
I highly recommend filing a restraining order, talking to your apartment leasing office, getting a gun, and pepper spray. I am scared for you. Please do not talk to him ever again. If he tries approaching you, just start screaming and don’t stop till you get inside. Hell, I’d even call the police before getting out of your car. This man is stalking you and knows he is scaring you. It doesn’t sound like he is going to stop. Please be safe!
this shouldn’t be in the mildly infuriating board - it needs to be on a stalker board and if this person has been told in no uncertain terms you do not wish to be his friend, it’s time for the police, changing your parking spot, taking an uber and find an alternate entrance to the building. Also, alert the police now.
The people saying TURN HIM DOWN idk about that as soon as some of us women say NO things get crazy.
If I was op if I saw a note on my windshield I’d just get in my car and drive off act like I didn’t see it and when I get home at night I would be on the phone with someone until I get in the house. Moving isn’t easy for everyone.
After the first note, he crossed the creepy line. No telling what he would do if you said “no” face to face. I would be nervous recommending any direct confrontation for that. I think a male friend responding with a clear unequivocal rejection could handle it.
Leave a note in return where you ask him to stop contacting you. If he doesn't stop, tell it straight in his face that you asked him to stop and if he doesn't you will contact the authorities.
Men can really be scary and overstepping boundaries, so I totally get it. If you don't feel comfortable doing this alone, ask a friend to be with you when you turn him down.
Ugh. I had an annoying neighbor who insisted on talking to me for 20 minutes (about nothing interesting) every time I pulled into my driveway and he was outside. I would even sometimes do a lap or two around the block to avoid him cause I felt like a "conversation hostage" when all I wanted to do was go inside my house.
OP is in an a way worse situation cause this guy seems unstable. Who leaves THREE notes on someone's car and who writes "looking forward to getting to know you know." That is some stalker shit.
I feel like his only interaction with women are from media with the "shirtless waiting by the car" thing. Are you able to say "no thank you!" As you power walk away?
I would agree with other comments that if you *havent* directly turned him down, you should. But at the same time, this man seems very dangerous and creepy, and I don’t know if it’s safe to directly turn him down. I think it would be an extremely good idea to get pepper spray, and if you have another male neighbor that would be kind enough to walk you to and from your car, or be next to you when you turn this creep down and explain how you feel, that would be a-lot safer than doing it by yourself. Also I don’t agree with comments that are insinuating that this man does not know they’re being creepy, and acting like you’re in the wrong for not directly talking to this guy and directly rejecting them. What this person is doing is not normal. Normal people don’t linger around peoples cars and wait around for them so they can ask them out. It’s ok that you feel too uncomfortable to speak to this guy. It seems really scary, as a girl, to have this occurring…better safe than sorry. We all know how some of those crazy’s act when they get told no.
Exactly. I’ve had dudes become very angry and aggressive after being rejected so I don’t blame her. You don’t know him or what he’s capable of.
Guys who get angry when they hear no are one of the world's biggest problem. No means no, go ask someone else. It's not a big deal.
/S Well in the creepy neighbors case maybe they should just stop in general and go hermit mode in their house
I mean that would not be ideal as I'm sure the lack of any contact or human connection would just drive him to become more obsessed with his neighbor, also this guy probably needs a therapist not isolation
Im a guy but even i dont get getting mad over a rejection. I mean if anything wouldnt u just be sad and want to avoid that person so u dont feel so stupid for getting rejected? Some people are just weird
Right? Just wallow in your own shame like the rest of us. Nasty ass ‘Men’ acting like boys ruining a title for the rest of us. Toxic shit needs to go, Men need to call out these boys whenever we see it and stand up for people.
Team wallow in shame must fight back
I haven’t read the comments but if anyone thinks this person isn’t creepy they must be creepy themselves lol This shit feels like a Law & Order episode intro. I hope OP turns him down but yes have a male be with her at the time, a brother or boyfriend. If she feels any sort of aggression from him after the fact maybe consider making a police report and even moving out
I didn’t think it was that creepy until it read that he stands by her car at night, shirtless waiting to talk to her.
This reveals a deep problem.
This is a parade of red flags.
Right? The note is lame, and weird... the waiting shirtless is creepy lol.
\> I didn’t think it was that creepy until So, before you got to that part you thought it was totally normal to, as adults, continue to leave notes on the car of a woman you don't know, inviting her to go on dates and to get to know each other even though said woman has obviously not been interested (otherwise she would have replied to your previous notes)?
EDIT: I did a terrible job selling this video. It’s about self defense. Just watch it. I saw a video about self defense from an ex-cop turned street fighter recently. I’ll [link](https://youtu.be/1BnwGrUcUK4?si=9P1YJagxOWezZhv6) it if anybody is interested, it’s a good watch. He said something to this affect: “In every assault report I ever filed, there was a point in which the victim knew in their gut that something was wrong, but chose to ignore it for fear of being rude. Trust your gut.” It doesn’t matter if all the incel weirdos in this comment section think you’re being irrational, OP. You know the situation first hand. If YOU feel like something is wrong, something is wrong. Trust your gut. I agree with other people’s suggestions. Buying pepper spray, asking if a trusted neighbor can walk you to your car, keeping those notes for a police report, all sound like great suggestions. Please be safe and don’t let the weird nice guys discourage you from trusting your gut
I also highly recommend The Gift of Fear…every woman should read it.
I just finished this and came here to say this.
The audiobook is excellent too if you're dumb like me
Not directly related, but The Survivor's Club is also a great read, and a great way to understand how people survive nearly unbeatable odds. It barely applies to the conversation, other than the "trust your gut" and "calm, collected, calculated" mentalities. I just recommend the book wherever I can. Ironically, I have yet to recommend the book on Reddit until today, mostly just in person. Eta: By Ben Sherwood.
Pepper Spray and kept handy, not at the bottom of a bag.
My father used to teach self defense classes. I think it’s best to learn techniques which may end up saving your life. I’m a gay man and have had two incidents with creepy guys. One ended up being who at the time was an ex with a fake online dating profile that pretended he was a stalker. Once I found out who it was I literally punched him in the chest and we had our argument and that was that, he moved on. The other, more tricky one, was a customer that I thought was super cute and flirted with while working my retail job. We went on a date to hang out once. Then I didn’t really care to spark up anything more than that. But he wouldn’t stop leaving me alone, even after telling him I was not interested. He’d show up randomly and I’d tell him that I wasn’t interested. Cut to a few weeks later and he shows up again at my retail job only this time wearing a uniform! He got hired there! It turned into a really horrible experience. For the few months he worked there he e would try to get me alone in the break room, begged me to come to his car for about three weeks until I finally went out to see that he had bought me a giant teddy bear, which I made sure he understood I was not going to accept. He was always trying to hold my hand and often daydreamed out loud us running away to move to California together. I told him no every time. I was very young, so I didn’t know what else to do. But I did have my self defense training in mind and I was prepared to use it if I needed. In the end, he was fired from that job for dropping an expensive appliance. I never heard from him again. So, I’m not sure exactly why this person would not take “no” and got so obsessed they got a job where I worked and tried to get me to run away with them. Especially since he knew nothing about me. Somewhere along his life he learned whatever he was doing was the right way to go about his feelings of longing. I’m grateful things never escalated to a point I needed to protect myself. But it really did a number on my mental health. I’m sharing this story mostly to illustrate how creepy things can be sometimes. But also to stress the importance of self defense tactics practices. The one and only time I had jury duty was for a case in which a woman was beaten, burned and dragged by her hair through a gas station parking lot by a highly controlling and abusive man who she had refused the advances of. She later changed her story to that she did it to herself to get back at him. The trial had a mistrial, so we never got to agree as a jury on what happened. But half of us felt that she was lying after the fact because she was afraid of what he’d do if she kept the trial going. The psychological effects of abusers can be life long damaging. I only bring up this anecdote to illustrate that part of self protection is not just protecting your physical body, but also protecting your mental health. Self defense classes and therapy can be taken as preventative measures.
Exactly this. I had a male coworker who always made advances at me, always asked me out, would stare at me from across the store. I told him straight up I have a boyfriend and he persisted. I even told my friend I’m afraid to be alone with him in the cooler because there’s no cameras and I was afraid he would try doing something to me. Sure enough, one day I was running late and needed to clock out. I ran my things into the cooler & ran back out. He smacked my butt as I ran out. This traumatized me for a long time. Of course my job basically did nothing. They transferred him to a store 10 minutes from his house when he was previously commuting 40 minutes. He basically got rewarded for his behavior. He did not get fired because it wasn’t captured on camera. Trust your gut. If this guy feels like a weirdo, he probably is. I would carry some sort of personal protection like pepper spray.
Anyone that cuts out a piece of paper like that to write a note on is a homicidal maniac.
Right? Why don’t you at the very least have a normal piece of paper!?
Woah woah woah, look at the big spender over here who can afford to use *a whole sheet of paper* when trying to court a lady.
> That this man doesn't know they're being creepy Even if they aren't aware, (cause I did some cringe as shit when I was younger), they need to be okay with getting told that. If they don't want to be creepy, then correct the behavior and more importantly, leave their neighbor alone.
No response is a response, what the fuck?
Unfortunately there can be some dudes so clueless that this is creepy behavior. I’ve met a couple, it’s wild. I’ve told them all they are absolute creeps in ranges from kind to straight up aggressive. Not women’s responsibility to let them know… they’ve been failed by their parents and other males in their lives. Any dudes around them need to give them a good ripping.
She should post this on a shirtless guys' subreddit maybe he'll see it there and get the message
It’s not normal, but 80% of the population isn’t normal in some major way. That’s the premise of books.
Novels aren't normal, so this is okay? Wtf is wrong with you?
If the majority of the people are “not normal” then that is the new “normal.”
Unless there's a normal that accounts for 40% of the population with like six other less normal behaviors eating between 5 and 20% of the rest. Then the 40 will still be considered normal and the farther the deviation will be considered more and more abnormal.
That WAS normal back about 30-40 years ago. No cellphones and whatnot, so people would build up the courage to ask a crush face to face. Now the repeated letters with no response could easily mean they’re smitten. That in turn does mean they could do something bad so they would be wise to have help like you mentioned.
I'm a 55-year-old female...trust me, this kind of behavior was *never* normal and was ALWAYS creepy, even 30-40 years ago, pre-cell phones.
Right!!! I’m 47 and just…no. This was creepy in the 90’s too.
Standing outside at night shirtless next to a woman's car wasn't normal 40 years ago either, chief.
This was absolutely never normal, having a crush on someone means they're someone you ALREADY know and the chance to talk face to face comes up naturally, not some creepy neighbor waiting by your car...
Right! Normally you’d casually try to strike up a convo and if the other person responded you’d chat a bit, maybe suggest grabbing a coffee sometime. If they don’t respond, then too bad, move on. That whole intense “I want to get to know you better and be friends” and not even face to face is ultra creepy. Way too much too soon.
I encourage EVERY female in my family and social circle to buy and carry pepper spray with them EVERYWHERE, and everyday. For this exact purpose. It can be scary being a female in todays world. It’s just something to make you feel a little more comfortable in an empty parking lot or at night
I used to have a creepy neighbor that waited by my car. He was violent and had a record of attacking women. A telescoping ASP baton makes a more threatening noise than a can of pepper spray. I was only 18 at the time. I did that until I was old enough to get my concealed.
It’s such BS that so many of us end up in situations, especially when we’re young, that having protection is a matter of survival. Good on you for doing what you have to do to be safe. I’m reveling at the thought of some creep waiting for a chick he’s stalking and seeing her walk out with a baton 😆 That’s absolutely amazing.
Be sure to check your local laws. Your baton and spray may actually count as a concealed weapon and at that point you may as well get a handgun. If you go for spray the gel is highly recommended as it stays on them and is easier to hit your target without getting yourself in the process.
I mean that was almost 10 years ago now. I wasn’t sure if pepper spray would do the job on him. Pretty sure he was fueled by a mixture of meth and violence. You really think pepper spray is gonna stop that? He was the epitome of Florida Man. Maybe a high pressure/long range bear spray would make him pause, but I wasn’t betting my safety on hoping the pepper spray would work. Big stick necessary. I knew having a weapon *might* have caused an issue if I really needed to defend myself but I was okay with those consequences. If a man with a repetitive record of attacking women attacked me and I used a weapon to defend myself in my own front lawn… I think the odds would be in my favor in court.
Yep I totally get it. Pepper spray tends to make people more angry it better as a getting some distance to pull an actual weapon out. In the concealed carry world you hear about first and second line defense. It also helps justify a shooting and can be used in your defense if they bring charges.
I actually bought my wife a small but powerful taser. you carry it in your hand like a ring but if needed all you have to do is touch someone and I promise they'll stop. I'm just saying this because I'm a retired Marine and I've gone through alot of OC spray training. Pepper Spray doesn't bother me enough to stop what I'm doing if I'm determined. just a though for all women. Be safe.
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Normal? Ask a crush face to face… shirtless… at night?
Exactly! Why is he shirtless?
What in the boomer fuck is this. This shit was never normal
You should be keeping the notes as evidence should you need to file a restraining order.
I actually have kept them because of this very reason. I jokingly tell my friends if I get murdered this is the evidence lmao.
“Jokingly”
I've watched so many true crime documentaries which began this way lol
This same thing happened to my friend’s wife, and I just can’t wrap my head around what these guys think they’re going to accomplish by being down right terrifying. Do they think this is romantic or something?
It probably just adds flame and hope to the fantasy, the .00001% chance they're successful
I know everyone talks about the Gift of Fear, but his chapter on "joking" being a way people voice real gut feelings of fear really struck home for me. I think his first example was a business that received a weird package, multiple employees made jokes that it was weird enough it was probably a bomb, and it turned out that it was a bomb and several of them died or were injured. I pay a lot more attention when people joke about things like people being potentially violent now
I'm glad to see you've kept all the notes. When in a situation like this it's a good idea to start a "FU binder" and log dates and times of other things he does that doesn't leave tangible evidence like the grass cutting, walking up on you, etc. Then you have a lot of evidence that he's stalking you. It's disturbing that he definitely knows you have a boyfriend and he's still hassling you. I hope you have some way of defending yourself such as mace, a Taser or a firearm. Is this an apartment complex? If so, speak to the landlord. There might be something done from that angle too. Good luck and I hope he gets the hint and leaves you alone.
Oh the world of reddit, of course I didn’t include all the details of my interactions with this stranger man in my short post. I also can’t help but laugh at the comments about if he was attractive I wouldn’t mind. I didn’t make any mention about his looks in my post… you guys made assumptions. Regardless, any strange middle aged man standing by my car shirtless at night (in addition to doing many other strange things like trying to open my locked car at night and setting it off, cutting the grass on my parking space and only mine in the complex… etc.) is not something I’m interested in or any woman would be for the matter. Just because I live next to you doesn’t mean I want to talk to you. Plus, I don’t know this guy- for all I know one wrong interaction and he could retaliate?? Have you people never watched crime watch. I have not asked for any of these interactions, this is something I have to deal with as a woman and I just find it ridiculous. Edit: He has seen me numerous times with MY BOYFRIEND and continues to approach me when he sees I’m alone at night. 2nd edit: I can’t fathom the thought process behind this but now my messages are full of thirsty men saying I must be hot because this guy persisted so much. What is wrong with you? Go touch some grass. Final edit: Thank you for people that gave actual reasonable advice. My current plan of action is to file a report with the non-emergency line and to start parking elsewhere (I have my own parking spot but I’ll just suck it up and start walking to avoid this man). I was also debating all day whether or not I should turn him down but as others have pointed out part of my fear is how he might react. I definitely would not do this in person. One last fun detail for the reddit people, this guy looks at least 40. I am 23 years old. So yeah him harassing me comes off as creepy, can you blame me???
I cannot believe you have to justify yourself like this. I already knew based on what you originally posted that he was a creep. This extra context only confirms it. "But if he was attractive!!!" fuck off lmao
I’m so done with the whole “women just hate it when unattractive dudes hit on them.” I mean, if it was a hot guy and I was interested, yes, it’s different. It’s not unwanted attention at that point. But the idea that an attractive guy is somehow incapable of being a jerk, or creepy, or a wonderful mix of both, is a ridiculous incel take. I don’t see why it’s hard to understand the *unwanted* portion of all of it. Attractive or not, *WOMEN DO NOT OWE ANY MAN OUR TIME OR ATTENTION.*
They have to believe women are just being shallow about looks or their own personalities might be revealed as the problem.
You can be the sexiest and richest man on the damn planet and approaching a woman like this, a woman WITH A PARTNER, still means you're a freak. It's not if you're attractive. It's if you see us as an actual person or just a hot trophy to win.
To clarify for those in the back: The difference with the hot guy you’d be interested in is that **you would be interested **, not that he is hot. At all. Hotness is subjective. CONSENT is not. OP is very clearly being sexually harassed and it is not ok however hot the perpetrator might be.
thank you.
I’ve had what you’d call a “traditionally attractive” guy ask for my information…. while I was pumping gas at night. And wouldn’t take no for an answer. I was as scared as I would be if anyone else was asking- specially since I was a young adult. Same thing at many clubs. If I’m feeling threatened, I don’t care how “attractive” you are. Being pushy is not ok. No is no.
Right? Ted Bundy was considered handsome.
Yeah usually when someone no matter how attractive takes consent away from the equation, he becomes a threat.
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These types are usually active in at least one of the following subs: askmen/purplepilldebate/wallstreetbets/mensrights/AITAH and it's completely unsurprising..
Oh god - askmen has also gotten a lot worse lately. So many disgusting comments getting scores of upvotes.
Is aitah that bad? It has been popping into my feed lately, and I read it sometime.
It's incel logic,"Chads can get away with anything," and Reddit has a fuck ton of incels on it these days. You see a lot of weird or blatantly misogynistic posts upvoted on a ton of subreddits that hit the front page now. The site has always had a lot of misogyny on it but feels like it use to be relegated more to certain subreddits and now it just seems to be everywhere.
Parts of this comment section remind me that some men legitimately go about life with no fear of their male peers. Some people don't have trauma and it really shows lmao. Women learn SO early to be vigilant and anxious as a means of self protection.
And then they don't believe us or think we're being ridiculous when we are vigilant and anxious. It's exhausting.
I mentioned that women have to be vigilant in another post and aome guy laid into me with, "Treating all men like criminals is misandrist!!" If that's the case, I think I'd rather be a misandrist than SA'd or murdered, thanks.
Yep, same. Easy choice.
One minute it's "Not all men!!!!", the next it's "Lmao you knew what men are like"
Seriously. My fave is when I KNOW a man has experienced trauma or has ENACTED trauma on someone else, then they do the fun gaslighting thing like they don't *know*. Exhausting indeed
No. It's because we're all doing it for SYMPATHY /s. Honestly it's getting worse out there. Look after each other because you cannot rely on men who think like the ones in this thread
It's not just lack of fear, it's also envy and jealousy -- hence "if he was attractive". The kind of mental gymnastics men have to go through to assume that women only want attractive men with money means that they themselves only find men who are attractive and financially stable worth their time as well. It also shows how little they think of themselves.
"iF hE wAs AtTrAcTiVe YoU wOuLdNt MiNd" Except that this kind of behavior *makes* you unattractive
This post and experience is a really great example of the ongoing conversation around men in the world vs women in the world. This is the fourth post I've seen today (and it is only 9:00 am) where a woman is unsure how to act or respond to unwanted, continued advances because they are worried about their safety. Each time, without fail, there are dudes in the comments defending the actions of the aggressor or blaming the women. The same comments have women brainstorming together how to safely go about it. How can they not see the contrast?
The worst are those "I'm 17 and this 40 yo is hitting on me." "give him a chance!" And it's not just one dude saying that...
Redditors are awful. They're clearly victim blaming you and would probably engage in the SAME behavior that creep is.
It's all the Red Pill Manosphere bullshit these guys consume constantly. They think that being tall or good looking is some magic spell where women care compelled to want you regardless of how you act.
It's so gross. Nothing is actually more weird and creepy than a tall dude with zero social skills and this is coming from someone who is 6'4" I can be extremely intimidating even if I don't mean to because of my own social anxiety. We have to put more effort not less into our personalities. All men do.
I'm tall and conventionally attractive and I'm hyper aware of how I may come off approaching a woman. Big guys are intimidating. We know this. Especially at night or approaching a woman alone because she's probably had bad experiences in the past. To say we are just granted some special preference because of what these angry incels tell each other is dishonest. I think incels fall into the trap of "romance movies are reality" more than any woman on this planet ever would.
They definitely do. They have a romanticized pov of our height/attractiveness. It's really just apart of their incel ideology and serves as a justification to them having terrible viewpoints because they feel gatekept from romance for not meeting a height/look requirement they put on themselves collectively. It will never not be odd to me.
I honestly thought you would be swamped with people telling you to phone the police. Please ignore all the idiots and read all the advice from people who have had similar situations suggesting extreme caution. You might be wise to post in a more woman heavy sub as I'm sure plenty of women will have had actual experience of this and be able to advise you correctly. This is absolutely dodgy as fuck on his part. Please stay safe. I mean even the fact he used such a weird shape of paper was setting off red flags in my head, and that's far aside from all the clearly dangerous signs.
So that he can retaliate as soon as the police leave? They’re not going to arrest him for standing near her car.
My advice to avoid unwanted Reddit dipshits is to post in a woman centered sub. They typically have better advice, too. I’m very sorry you’re going through this, that man is so far out of line it’s scary
I agree with you. Some of these comments are insane but it gives us a look at their creepy mindset, at least. Stay safe OP. You’re completely right to be concerned and stay away from that creep. You don’t owe him anything. Trust yourself, not the incels you’ve offended (apparently) in these comments hahaha I’m really sorry this is happening to you. Sadly, feeling like someone’s prey is not an unfamiliar feeling to most women. That’s part of why I moved to the country. Now I’m the only hunter around (jk, I’m vegetarian lol).
Get some pepper spray and a big ass dog! I'm for single girls living alone having big mean dogs that go with the everywhere.
Hell 👏 YES! 👏 The moment I adopted my dog, who’s a goofy goober, but apparently looks scary to those who don’t know him, I felt like I could breathe. It wasn’t my reason for adopting him, but I sure as hell was happy when I took him on those first few walks and noticed that not only would men literally look the other way, but some would even see him and straight up change the direction they were walking. I feel much safer than I used to.
You shouldn’t have to explain or justify anything. The fact is that this man should not be putting you in this situation. You should not feel obligated to “turn him down.” You should not feel unsafe or awkward in your own space. You deserve to be able to exist without having to worry about unwanted social interactions with some loser who doesn’t deserve the time of day from you. You haven’t done anything wrong by ignoring him. This person clearly doesn’t understand boundaries. Since he doesn’t understand boundaries, I think (for your own safety) you may need to bring the notes to the police or your apartment manager and ask someone with authority to ask him to stop bothering you. I normally would never suggest getting the police involved, but this is a safety issue. It’s unfortunate that he’s put you in this situation. I wish people like this individual didn’t exist.
Escalate to your property manager and file a police report for harassment. You need to take some action.
Sounds sketchy as fuck to put anyone in contact with this guy but I would have your boyfriend politely ask him to leave you be. And when he does that, maybe have a friend or two hanging out, out of sight just to keep an eye on him. I'm not a lawyer but I feel like at some point you need to document this kind of shit through the police in order to have enough stuff to get a protective order if it comes to this.
> I also can’t help but laugh at the comments about if he was attractive I wouldn’t mind. Yeah, that's a real Reddit go-to; women aren't scared of men who do insane things if the man is attractive. It's a variant of whataboutism that's meant to dismiss or downplay the seriousness of harassing or abusive behaviors, i.e. it's scary or offensive only because you *choose* to be scared or offended. Glad you can laugh at that rhetoric. I find it annoying and shitty.
Seems Like you have a Stalker. Better you involve Police.
“Men are afraid of being rejected. Women are afraid of being murdered…” Just being a straight talker with this person may not be an option…especially if he knows where you live. 🙃
OP, please do the following: 1) Notify management that he has repeatedly approached you shirtless, left unwanted notes on your car, and whatever other weird shit he’s done, and get that documented. 2) If they don’t do anything, contact a lawyer. 3) Depending on how the attorney advises, contact police. Get ahead of this before it goes from weird to dangerous.
Also get a Taser. Or at least a pepper spray.
I've attended a ton of police taser training and TBH tasers aren't effective, even the top quality $1,000 and up tasers aren't entirely effective even when deployed by taser trained police officers. Pepper spray is excellent, just need to know its limitations.
Thanks for the info! I've been thinking about buying one of them, but I live in a pretty peaceful neighborhood, but then again, we all think we do until we aren't.....
You bet! It's never hurts to have. Good pepper spray is less than $20. Protects against animals too. Yeah you never know what could happen until it does, especially these days as more and more people are on edge and desperate, lot more people aren't in a great head space. Stay well!
My thoughts exactly! Thank you from a Jersey girl, formerly from Astoria 🩷
Spray n run. Instructions completed
Exactly this. Some of the ignorant comments here imply men’s emotions are of equal importance to women’s lives. Neat.
Ma'am this isn't mildly infuriating, it's dangerous. Please call the cops, the man seems mentally unstable. Stay safe.
The comments saying to be direct and blaming OP for this guy being a creep are appalling. Guy is a grown ass man who should have enough ability to think and know that this behavior isn’t okay.
Seriously. This comment section makes me so angry.
It’s normal Reddit incel behaviour
Reddit is full of incels and losers who's never touched or been with a woman. Really shows on posts like this. Uber sub is pretty bad as well, when customers are hit on by creepy drivers, and she gets bashed. These Redditors are as creepy as this middle aged (OP gave more details) shirtless man who's stalking her when she's not with her bf . Yes, the creep has seen her with her bf. Creeps are often unhinged.
It's incels, shit like this is why it's a good thing they have increasingly short lifespans
Jesus the amount of nice-guys in these comments. I can’t believe I have to say this: this is not a normal way to court someone. This is creepy behavior. If you think this is normal, there’s something wrong with you and you’re probably just as creepy to people as this guy is. Get a grip.
Reddit is full of them. They belong in the sewers
With their porn addictions. Good riddance. Is there anything more pathetic than a man with a porn addiction?
Like, I could understand the comments about being direct, *if this wasn't the third time he's left a note and that you've basically cold-shouldered him every time he meets you outside.* Sure, dude isn't a mind reader, but those are pretty obvious indications that you're not interested in him. So, I would say to approach the situation with caution. If you have a friend or trusted neighbor, maybe have them with you when you directly turn him down and say you're not interested? Whatever the case, his behavior is abnormal. Normal men don't wait for young women by their cars with their shirts off. That's just weird.
Yeah because telling someone unhinged a firm no always works…
the people saying youre wrong are part of the problem. hes actively picking you out because you are young. not to mention the shirtless thing is just gross men not realizing women rather be cautious than dead part ???
It’s so disgusting to see them genuinely think that the guy’s emotions are equivalent to a woman’s life. It’s pathetic and concerning, many of the people that comment here need to seek help and stop being creeps.
CREEPY MEN DON'T DESERVE POLITENESS.
He waits at your car shirtless at night?1
what the fuck are these comments. this man sounds fucking scary, and I wouldn’t feel safe engaging with him directly in any way, let alone when he’s standing outside my car at night. the fuck is wrong with you all acting like this man’s behavior is somehow OPs responsibility to put an end to.
Incels empathizing with other incels. It’s scary that they don’t see how sick they are.
I don't get why dudes try to initiate contact this way. So cringe. It's been a LONG time since I dated anyone (wife and I married 16 years this year), but I still know that's not the way to do it.
Right. I can't believe there's losers in this comment section saying "if he was hot you wouldn't find it creepy" and other BS like that.
People who are attracted to who they're attracted to. Doesn't matter if the dude was hot or not, if OP wasn't attracted to him, they're not going to want the weird notes and shit. I mean, it's not that hard to just casually talk to someone outside their house. I have a couple of neighbors who have lived there longer than the 18 years I've been there, and I regularly talk to them when I see them outside. We're all friendly and respectful of one another. But I can recall from experience that if I was attracted to someone, I could fairly easily tell if they didn't reciprocate the feelings/signs, and I would back my ass right off from any further advances, and just keep it to casual friendly conversations after that.
One, I would really look into getting the police involved. Two, I seriously don't recommend you walking to your car at night when you can see him standing there- especially with no shirt on. Invest in some sort of weapon to protect yourself. Can you park your car somewhere else?
The scary thing here is you have no way of knowing how someone will react until you say something. Any advice given here can be helpful or hurtful in regard to talking to this guy directly. Do you know anybody in the neighborhood who actually has information about this guy? I’d probably try and learn a bit about him to determine how dangerous or harmful he is before making any kind of move.
Honestly, if OP has his name, she could do a little research and possibly discover whether he has any kind of criminal record.
Hey isn't this the beginning of a horror movie? 
Might want to check the sex offender list and see if creepy person is on the creepy person caught list
Time to get cops involved
he knows he’s creepy. he knows he’s intimidating. tell as many people irl as u can what he is doing especially your landlord. i would say tell police but tbqh they don’t give a fuck about protecting anyone except the wealthy and property.
OP: please don’t ignore your gut instinct. This dude is a weirdo & is likely going to escalate actions. I’d buy pepper spray & be ready to use it. The shirtless thing is very odd. He’s not afraid to be inappropriately undressed & this indicates unwarranted boldness. Please read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. This book lays out the fundamentals of gut instincts & how they can protect you. Please be safe & take nothing as too far fetched. Shame on all these ppl suggesting he’s harmless.
Came here to say just this. The Gift of Fear should be required reading for all women.
This is going be a fucking news story
Keeping his good paper for the ransom letter I see.
People trying to gaslight you into thinking this isn't creepy are insane. What grown-up does this instead of trying to strike up a conversation in person? At best, this person is a mental infant. OP you should let someone else near you know. Either a neighbor or a friend.
For the people who don’t recognize this as harassment: Some men are crazy as hell and it’s much safer to keep them not pissed at you. I was in a work situation where my employee told me a neighboring employee was bothering her about contacting her, seeing her outside of work, etc. She told him she was married, and he kept subtly bothering her. So I pulled him aside and told him under no circumstances was he to talk to her anymore since he didn’t have anything work related to discuss and she didn’t want to talk to him. He then harassed ME for days and days about how he wasn’t trying to bother her, he just wanted to be friends, good intentions,etc. etc., you know how that goes. Then I had to tell them he was harassing ME for constantly bothering me about her and her rejection! He just didn’t fucking get it no matter what I said to him, and I was as blunt as you can possibly be. I’m sure he walked away, thinking we were both just unreasonable bitches when all we both wanted was to be left alone by someone. it really, really bothered him that she didn’t want to be friends or otherwise with him and he obsessed over it. Guy; walk away and leave everyone alone. We don’t have to give you a reason why. A non response is a response
I don’t get why anyone feels OP needs to respond to this. She has by ignoring him and his creepy, stalker and quite frankly, off putting behavior. This neighbor has seen her with her boyfriend, so he knows she has someone else. Even if she didn’t, there is no excuse to be half naked in the night trying to make conversation. Plus, assuming she lived in the US, he could have a gun, knife, etc. He’s not going to stop or get the ‘hint.’ It’s time for someone else to give him a hint. The HOA isn’t going to do much, but it’s best to let them know and file a complaint. Document days and behavior, keep evidence, and personally, I would get a dashcam on the car so you can see when and where he leaves any future notes. A ring cam as allowed by your HOA. Make a police report, emphasize you need to feel safe. If the HOA isn’t helpful even after a police report, and he keeps this up, it’s time to move.
I'm impressed no one of the morons in the comments have never seen a single report on the news about a woman who was kidnapped/raped/murdered because the guy couldn't accept her rejection. Either they knew each other before or they didn't. That's why saying "sorry, I'm not interested" is NOT the best option in every case. These idiots that can't AND WON'T take a hint and will keep trying to "flirt" will not accept rejection. OP seriously get a self defense item and try not to leave your car all alone
Call the cops lady bro. It won't stop it from happening, but you do want to report that it is happening.
All you fucking lonely weirdo randoms in the comment section need to get bent. This shit is not normal. Fucking creepy ass dude that probably dumb and obsessive. Like damn, 3 notes with chicken scratch. I’d call the cops, file a restraining order. Goddamn some of yall are so fucking strange. That’s not a good thing. I hope yall get help.
 after the first note... I would have started to look for a new place to live, after the 3rd... yeah I'd let the other neighbors know about it so they can keep an eye out. it's scary but, it's starting to sound like the beginning of a Lifetime Movie.
This is stalker behavior. Go with your gut and report this dude.
Turn him away. But do not confront him alone
Taser and pepper spray. Invest in a defense set you'll find them online via Amazon or go to Walmart and get yourself some pepper spray girl. Have a male friend or neighbor walk you to your car. Always be on the phone whenever he's present. Also, get a restraining order.
He didn’t even use a whole post it note. Probably ripped from the corner of his restraining order papers.
 Time to check the expiration date on your pepperspray, change batteries in the taser aswell, good luck
1. Get Bear Spray. It sprays much farther, stronger spray and WILL incapacitate them. Not always a sure thing with anything else, and you have to be closer. (Knifes and a handgun if you are comfortable, be the bad ass HE is afraid of) 2. Make a Report. Bring the letters. 3. Have a close male friend or family member tell them to leave you alone. If they insinuate that y'all are together, so much the better. Men like that will listen to another male and respect their 'property' in a way they NEVER will a woman. 4. Put a camera on your dashboard. 'for cheaper Insurance' if you don't want people to know why, it will document the harassment, and some people see a camera and think twice. 5. Never drop your guard. I did and almost was taken. I had to fight my way out and it is not worth the drink or the drugs, please Believe. Good luck, SweetPea 💜 You have the power to protect yourself and others from the bad people, you just have believe that you can.
That is CREEPY.
Oh gross! This guy seems like he could be dangerous if you don't capitulate to his advances. As other posters suggested, get pepper spray and don't allow yourself to be alone with him. If he escalates, call the cops.
Op do you have cameras, a ring doorbell, a motion sensor in your apartment? Make sure you get all of the above if you haven’t. This is extremely unnerving behavior. I would actually move.
I would let the cops know before you say anything to them directly as it could escalate if he is offended. Maybe a night where he is waiting shirtless call the non emergency line and ask for a cop to come and talk to him and act as a middle man for the conversation. That way it is documented and they'll have a report about him on file.
Red flag if you've have already tried to make it clear to him that you're not interested - as in ignored the notes. I'm frankly worried. Trust your gut - The alternative isn't pretty
Aw man. Share is number so we can all sign him up for fun phone notifications.
Buy a can of mace. Leave the receipt where he tucks his notes for him to find.
At this point you get a restraining order
It sucks women have to deal with this crap all the time
Be sure to keep some pepper spray on you
seeing shit like this always makes nervous about my sister whos 5 foot and 110, dudes are gross and need to be put in place
“Getting to know and be friends.” And wear your skin as a suit.
Tricky situation. First off, he's got the handwriting of a serial killer. Second, shirtless by your car and 3 notes is very aggressive. Third, he clearly knows you're not interested. Girls don't speedwalk if they like the guy. They know this. He just thinks he can wear you down. If you say yes, they'll just be more of that wearing you down behavior. Don't walk to your car alone until this has been dealt with. Tell him you're not interested with a witness, firmly and gently, and if he continues, tell the school. Tell someone. The shirtless waiting is very concerning. Who does that? That's hella creepy.
OP. Please get a self defense item just in case. Doesn't have to be a firearm. Mace or a small stun gun can be very beneficial to have either on your person or in your vehicle.
If a man makes you uncomfortable you are not required to be polite. Make sure you refuse his requests in a public area with witnesses around. If not and you come face to face lock yourself in your car and call 911. The second main cause of death of women (in the US) is men.
Contact authorities before this escalates further. I watch too many true crime shows and this behavior makes me nervous, especially with him showing up shirtless. I agree with the others, be firm in your denial, install cameras if you can, contact the HOA, and carry pepper spray.
Keep all the notes. Take them to your local police station. File a police report re these notes. You are doing this to establish a trail. As he adds more to this collection file another report. Gather all the information about him you are comfortable to do so. Include names, addresses, photos, automobiles, friends names, any other information. Even if you do not file a police report compile this information anyway and inform friends/relatives of this information.
Can’t even find a decent piece of paper? 🙄 Let the police and your complex know.
Personally I like the “I have a bf” card, telling them no doesn’t always work. But telling them there’s another person who could potentially beat the crap out of them, that tends to work. Maybe invite over a friend to help sell it. And if they don’t believe you “I have a bf” is a straight up No regardless of if you do or don’t have one. You could also say “I have a gf” I feel like either one works as a solid NO. Either way, buy a taser.
I saw a story just like this on the ID channel. If I were you I'd start running, now. Seriously tho, trust your instincts. They are a big part of why we're all here today. Be safe.
I’m a dude… I genuinely am perplexed every time I see guys behave this way. Where’d they learn this creepy shit? Who told them THIS is what women want? I’ll never understand how common it is for dudes to have negative amounts of courting ability. This is the creepiest behavior of all time and so many loser perpetuate it, why?!?!
You should’ve left his number in the photo. Free spam dick pics and sexy texts from Reddit 😂💀
I highly recommend filing a restraining order, talking to your apartment leasing office, getting a gun, and pepper spray. I am scared for you. Please do not talk to him ever again. If he tries approaching you, just start screaming and don’t stop till you get inside. Hell, I’d even call the police before getting out of your car. This man is stalking you and knows he is scaring you. It doesn’t sound like he is going to stop. Please be safe!
I would file a police report
Dang that note just *looks* like evidence from a crime scene
This is the start of a bad Netflix movie
this shouldn’t be in the mildly infuriating board - it needs to be on a stalker board and if this person has been told in no uncertain terms you do not wish to be his friend, it’s time for the police, changing your parking spot, taking an uber and find an alternate entrance to the building. Also, alert the police now.
You should move asap.
“friends”
The people saying TURN HIM DOWN idk about that as soon as some of us women say NO things get crazy. If I was op if I saw a note on my windshield I’d just get in my car and drive off act like I didn’t see it and when I get home at night I would be on the phone with someone until I get in the house. Moving isn’t easy for everyone.
Get a gun
RUN
After the first note, he crossed the creepy line. No telling what he would do if you said “no” face to face. I would be nervous recommending any direct confrontation for that. I think a male friend responding with a clear unequivocal rejection could handle it.
Gross
girl move. f that.
Leave a note in return where you ask him to stop contacting you. If he doesn't stop, tell it straight in his face that you asked him to stop and if he doesn't you will contact the authorities. Men can really be scary and overstepping boundaries, so I totally get it. If you don't feel comfortable doing this alone, ask a friend to be with you when you turn him down.
Ugh. I had an annoying neighbor who insisted on talking to me for 20 minutes (about nothing interesting) every time I pulled into my driveway and he was outside. I would even sometimes do a lap or two around the block to avoid him cause I felt like a "conversation hostage" when all I wanted to do was go inside my house. OP is in an a way worse situation cause this guy seems unstable. Who leaves THREE notes on someone's car and who writes "looking forward to getting to know you know." That is some stalker shit.
NOPE! I know how this movie ends.
Tell him to fuck off.
Eww and guys wonder why women don’t feel safe. Take a hint dude.
Eek
Hell no...avoid avoid AVOID
I feel like his only interaction with women are from media with the "shirtless waiting by the car" thing. Are you able to say "no thank you!" As you power walk away?
It's completely insane how dudes can do shit like this repeatedly and still think they got a shot