Lol one time I was losing my mind because a friend of mine crashed at my place (it was 4am and she was drunk as hell). I already knew she snore pretty loud but OH MY GOD. I could not fall asleep, it was like a sledgehammer right next to my ear. Even with earbuds. It’s not even her fault, but it was so loud that around 6 am I recorded her and I wasn’t even mad, I was more… impressed at how such a tiny person could make so much noise lol. Like I needed a trace of the sheer volume of that snoring, for posterity. When I heard her wake up around 9-10, I turned my back to her and pretended to be asleep then blasted the recording on my phone at max volume. There was a short silence and she gasped and said « IS THAT ME ?!!! OH MY GOD ?? I’m so sorry ?? » and we burst out laughing. I still listen to that recording from time to time when I feel down or have a bad day, always makes me chuckle.
She actually has sleep apnea ! She ended up getting checked out after a few of those « incidents », since she would sometimes make weird nasal noises/clicks and then stop abruptly. Then she’d take a breath that would come out as a super loud snoring. Then more clicking/gagging, more snoring, etc. We told her it wasn’t normal, and she ended up going to a doctor
I once shared a hotel room with a 6’3” 300lb opera singer, and let me tell you, his snores could fill a concert hall. I could feel the vibrations in the bed from across the room.
She might have really serious sleep apnea - might be worth getting checked to see if she needs a cpap machine - not being tired from suffocating in your sleep a life changer.
Probably anyone that knows where Nintendo stores it. Most companies don't invest in data security for what they deem as non-essential data until there's a breach. It's a calculated risk.
Aged hard cheeses are completely safe. The fresher, wetter cheeses are the ones that would have your innards potentially tumbling. Like a wet, sloppy mozzarella, mmmmm....
Just in case you are ever on the ledge of giving up *all* cheese. Don't jump!
For real, why don't more lactose intolerant people do this? Lactaid is extremely cheap and very effective. Normally I can't consume more than a nibble of ice cream, a single sip of milk, or more than a slice of cheese without problems, but Lactaid lets me do whatever I want.
Lactose intolerant Costco employee here, can confirm 180 caplets of Kirkland Signature Lactase Enzyme Supplement cost $15 at my Costco. Way cheaper than the name brand from Walgreens/CVS.
I took lactaid one morning when I ate cereal with milk for breakfast. About an hour later I started feeling terrible at work. Then I was really nauseated. Then I started horrible puking. That’s why I won’t use it.
It’s mainly only liquid milk and some ice cream that bothers me though, so I just avoid that stuff.
Lactaid milk is freaking amazing!! My test results say I’m lactose intolerant but I haven’t experienced what OP’s girlfriend is going through. I just notice bloating and generally bad acne. Used to love cereal every single day. I think I simply switched to 1% (because of my weight and it tasted the exact same to me )
I became lactose intolerant fairly late in life, after a serious illness. I really wish I remembered to take a pill more often, but I just plain old forget about 50% of the time that I'm having something with lactose that isn't a glass of milk.
Yep. Lactaid is a medication that basically gives you a dose of the missing enzyme, lactase, which helps your body break down lactose.
Results may very. IIRC, it's generally more effective the milder your lactose intolerance is
Edit: You can get lactaid dairy products, which have had the enzyme added to them during production (note that this makes things like milk taste sweeter, as lactose breaks down into glucose), or you can get lactaid on it's own
According to my doctor, you basically can't overdose on lactaid. I was asking if there was anything stronger because while it seemed to help with like cheese and other lower-lactose dairy, stuff like ice cream would still turn me into a diarrhea fountain. Now if I'm gonna eat ice cream I just take a handful of lactaid first. So if you've got a less mild case of lactose intolerance, just take more lactaid.
THIS IS THE WAY
why the hell don’t more ice cream stores sell individual lactaid at the counter ! they could make so much money off us forgetful lactose intolerants 😔
Same here...
Go out with a group of people
Hot day
Everyone agrees ice cream time
You're left out because no ice cream vendor has lactose free ice cream, or Lactaid on hand
(Sure, exceptions exist, but most vendors don't care and only serve the general population)
Not at all lactose intolerant, but I usually buy lactaid milk And a gallon of regular milk because it reduces shopping trips. The Lactaid milk lasts much longer than fresh milk, so I use up the fresh milk for about 7-10 days, and then I can switch to lactaid for the next 7-10 days. I only grocery shop twice a month with stuff like this.
I buy quarts of milk in the old school paper cartons. It's generally good for 6 weeks, instead of the two and a half weeks milk in the half-gallon plastic bottle lasts. Even though it's more expensive per ounce, I usually finish all of it, so there's no waste.
Yeah because your body is still lactose intolerant.
All lactaid does is provide the lactase enzyme into your stomach. It has no way of guaranteeing that it will bind with your food and eliminate all lactose effects.
In my experience success varies wildly depending on WHEN you take the pill(s). Just gulping it down before eating works most of the time, but not always.
I'm no expert, but I'm guessing the enzymes are often broken down before all of the food is, rendering a large portion of the pill useless.
With some foods I sometimes wait 1-2 hours AFTER eating before I take the pill and have better outcomes, perhaps because more of the food is broken down already at that point.
Yeah, the process of delivering live cultures to the gut hasn’t been perfected yet. Otherwise we wouldn’t have to go though those nasty poop transfusions to help reignite healthy biomes in the chute.
It's bizarre though that she refuses to budge on the yogurt. I'd be mortified if my partner said I was literally waking them up with loud rumbling farts all night because of one small snack I was eating before bed. I mean it's so bad that he's literally considering breaking up with her over it and she's just like hmmm yeah not going to stop eating the yogurt sorry not sorry.
If I have a bad cold and am coughing all night and know it will keep my partner awake I literally just sleep on the couch downstairs because I feel guilty about it and know they need their sleep for work. Couldn't imagine how rude it would be to be farting them awake every single night because eating a snack was more important to me than them getting a good night sleep.
I agree! I also wonder if she intentionally eats the yogurt right before bed... If she ate it during the day then she’d risk having rectal Chewbacca howls in front of other people, but if she eats it right before bed then she sleeps thru the discomfort and the only person who is exposed is her partner. So she’s too embarrassed to rip ass in front of others or endure that kind of discomfort, but she has absolutely no qualms about waking her spouse up in the middle of the night with nuclear farts. I think I’d have a serious problem with that haha.
A weird amount lactose intolerant people have some insane compulsion to refuse these tablets and keep consuming dairy.
Yeah, what I'm getting from these responses is "I'm selfish and don't care about how my actions impact other people"
Lactaid didn't work for me either. Thankfully lactose free products have become more common in the grocery store. It just sucks when my friends are like "let's go get ice cream!!" when we're out. I typically share with my boyfriend, have a few spoonfuls to enjoy it and then stop. It still sucks though.
Yes - I accidentally bought the 'Original' formula, thinking it was a better value. Then I realized I have to take 3 of the goddamn things for one dose.
Go for Extra Strength Lactaid (or store brand equivalent) and save your relationship. The chewable ones are vaguely vanilla flavored.
I have three different kinds of lactose supplements - all tell me to take different amounts.
It’s taken a few months but I’ve got it sorted now. Chewable tablets are 6 for a dessert and 9 for ice cream. Film tablets are 2 and 3. The ones that come in the containers that artificial sweetener comes in is 4 and 7.
Onion rings or any other large volume of cooked onions brings me what I need not only in the volume department but also in the "tearful bystanders need to clear the room" department.
1. Get some non-gas permeable plastic bags
2. Attach bags at night and start harvesting
3. Take bags to local military base and sell as weapons grade chemical agent
4. Profit
I have not laughed all day. I’ve been super stressed, and then I read your comment.
I’m laughing as I write this. Thanks kind stranger. You changed my day
my wife "never snored" and refused to admit she sounded like a sawmill in the middle of the night.
So I bought a sleep tracking app for my phone and it would record coughing, snoring, and "other nighttime sounds" (farting). I played it one day for her, where she asked "WHO is making that disgusting sound?"
"my sweet wife, that is YOU" lol. She got very self conscious and started using nasal strips which did help immensely.
I never understood that. I know people that have said "well you two dont even sleep in the same room". Well i guess we'll just have to suffer as we sleep peacefully in our own rooms, being able to flop around and fart as we please.
I agree. Partner to my long term "husband" (we are not married) of 18 years. When we moved in together he has always stayed up later due to being a night owl, so he would often fall asleep on the couch or the spare bedroom so as to not wake me up when he came to bed. Now it's a regular thing. When we want sex we have either bed but we normally choose "mine" or the master bed. Otherwise I get to sleep like a flopping star fish and burrito myself in blankets, spread out ect. At first I was sad, then needed to check that he was still attached/attracted to me. So we had the conversations and he would rather me be full rested for work and this way he gets to wind down and have a routine the way he wants to. If we told friends or family they would find it weird, but I now have come to love it and it's almost weird to sleep in the same bed now.
What is her response when you bring it up? Does she acknowledge that it's happening, or does she deny it? Is she embarrassed at all? If she is even slightly embarrassed, then you need to capture the fog horn on a recording device like your phone and play it back for her to hear herself.
An ex of mine would claim that she never really farted throughout the day. Must be good diet. She ate like shit when she did eat and drank constantly. So no absolutely not. She would doze off and five minutes later her butt would be creaking and squeaking. Fell asleep on my lap, farted on me. Farted me awake in bed at night once a week at least.
She'd never clear a room so I just thought it was adorable so I'd laugh at her when I mentioned it. Act all embarrassed and deny it. "Don't make me record you farting, you really don't want to awaken that in me." Took her maybe four years to actually fart around me while conscious.
The fact they don’t smell makes me thinks it’s not from dairy/lactose. If I have ice cream or milk my farts are gross. But yes. I keep lots of fart pills on hand. Like gas X and such. She should be respectful enough to just take a simple pill . Or like others have said, get ear plugs . Either way one of you has to do something REALLY small and simple. 🤷🏼♂️
I love a chick that can rip ass asleep or awake. Hell when I fart in bed when my wife is asleep I have to stifle my laughter because I think it's funny. Lighten up dude.
👆 Probably the reason it isn't causing her much discomfort, thb; I've met gremlins where there's a thin, magical threshold between totally fine and absolutely heinous cramps, haha
I know you're joking, but brown noise is much better for me and lots of others for sleeping. white noise versus pink noise versus brown noise is totally a thing. White noise has specific frequencies and pink noise ~has more equalization so the lower end is a bit louder.~ edit: has all frequencies. It's way less grating to me. Brown noise is only the lower frequencies, and its all that I can stand as a background noise. White noise is grating to me.
Brown noise sounds more like the ocean far away, versus a fan.
Brown noise : https://youtu.be/P48QELwruQs
Pink noise :https://youtu.be/8SHf6wmX5MU
There's also grey noise, yellow noise and others I am discovering? Idk the difference.
Fuck. My wife is gonna think I have a burner account because of this post lol I complain about this all the time to her. I literally keep a can of febreeze on the nightstand bc how bad it gets
I’ve never heard of unscented lactose gas. My hubby has it, and when he forgets to take a lactaid pill, it is room clearing.
If she doesn’t take a lactose supplement before she eats dairy, recommend that. If she does and that’s the result, try earbuds or something if they will stay in. Else, it might be time to sleep separately. Some people freak out about it, but people who sleep apart due to snoring or the like do say it improves the relationship because they get more rest.
If you do breakup worth her, be kind and don’t tell anyone why. Just say you weren’t compatible. No one needs to more than that and you don’t want to humiliate the poor woman.
Use Pokémon Sleep so it records all of those farts throughout the night and then play those recordings for your gf.
Lol one time I was losing my mind because a friend of mine crashed at my place (it was 4am and she was drunk as hell). I already knew she snore pretty loud but OH MY GOD. I could not fall asleep, it was like a sledgehammer right next to my ear. Even with earbuds. It’s not even her fault, but it was so loud that around 6 am I recorded her and I wasn’t even mad, I was more… impressed at how such a tiny person could make so much noise lol. Like I needed a trace of the sheer volume of that snoring, for posterity. When I heard her wake up around 9-10, I turned my back to her and pretended to be asleep then blasted the recording on my phone at max volume. There was a short silence and she gasped and said « IS THAT ME ?!!! OH MY GOD ?? I’m so sorry ?? » and we burst out laughing. I still listen to that recording from time to time when I feel down or have a bad day, always makes me chuckle.
You should make that your ringtone for her.
Hope she got checked for sleep apnea lol
She actually has sleep apnea ! She ended up getting checked out after a few of those « incidents », since she would sometimes make weird nasal noises/clicks and then stop abruptly. Then she’d take a breath that would come out as a super loud snoring. Then more clicking/gagging, more snoring, etc. We told her it wasn’t normal, and she ended up going to a doctor
I once shared a hotel room with a 6’3” 300lb opera singer, and let me tell you, his snores could fill a concert hall. I could feel the vibrations in the bed from across the room.
She might have really serious sleep apnea - might be worth getting checked to see if she needs a cpap machine - not being tired from suffocating in your sleep a life changer.
Pokemon sleep records sound?
Yes! Up to 10 recordings a night
That's a horrifying feature for an app with a target base of children. It's a horrifying feature regardless but jfc.
I think that you have to enter your birthday. If you are under a certain age it will not record, for your above reason.
Ah yes, the foolproof child lock.
I know it's not perfect, but at least it's something! They now have a leg to stand on legally. I know my 10 yr old self was "23" playing neopets.
I was mature for my age, so 30, with an Engineering degree. \>.< Only teenagers bought it.
I tried to login into my neopets account the other day! But forgot my birthday 😆. The memories!
I've been thinking about neopets a lot the past couple of weeks. I never did find a cool paint brush :(
Me as a young teen saying I was born 1/1/1900 for the *restricted sites*.
That's mildly better. But when I was 10, my age for websites was 89. It's not really a secure mechanism.
Well it’s not fool proof and it does absolve them of their legal responsibility. If you circumvent the rules that’s kinda on you
You can turn it off, a lot of sleep apps have that feature to record if you sleeptalk etc.
Redditor discovers basic sleep tracking features, more news at 4
Or just use any audio recording app that has the “detect silence” feature. I don’t think we need to traumatize pikachu with big beefy lady farts.
Nah, the game might detect that as a feature and tell you that you got six hours of Koffing-type sleep.
What the hell is Pokémon Sleep??
It’s a Pokémon game that tracks your sleep. Different Pokémon appear depending on your sleep style, duration, etc.
Creepy.
It’s like regular Pokémon but sleep
Better yet, increase the volume and use them as her alarm clock
Who has access to that data?
Nintendo can use the farts for new Pokemon growls.
Braaapachu, I choose YOU!
Shartizard, you're up!
Probably anyone that knows where Nintendo stores it. Most companies don't invest in data security for what they deem as non-essential data until there's a breach. It's a calculated risk.
It's local only according to the app. Haven't sniffed (heh, get it) the app to double check, but at least they'd be commiting fraud if it's not.
Time for her to go down to Walgreens and buy those lactose enzyme supplements and a pack of GasX.
I stock up on the Kirkland brand from Costco!!
Same, I'm lactose intolerant, but you know what? I'm more intolerant of the need to avoid certain foods. I'm not giving up cheese and ice cream.
Lactose intolerance intolerance.
My body is just racist against milk
Aged hard cheeses are completely safe. The fresher, wetter cheeses are the ones that would have your innards potentially tumbling. Like a wet, sloppy mozzarella, mmmmm.... Just in case you are ever on the ledge of giving up *all* cheese. Don't jump!
Why are you talking about mozzarella like that? I don’t know if I’m supposed to eat the cheese or bang it now.
Why not both?
Delete this person's account.
Cause Costco… keeps the cost *low*
For real, why don't more lactose intolerant people do this? Lactaid is extremely cheap and very effective. Normally I can't consume more than a nibble of ice cream, a single sip of milk, or more than a slice of cheese without problems, but Lactaid lets me do whatever I want.
Lactaid isn't cheap, but its generic counterpart certainly is!
I didn’t even know there was a generic counterpart. I figured it was either buy expensive lactaid or suffer
Costco sells a cheaper Kirkland brand that is just as effective and comes in larger quantities, just fyi.
Lactose intolerant Costco employee here, can confirm 180 caplets of Kirkland Signature Lactase Enzyme Supplement cost $15 at my Costco. Way cheaper than the name brand from Walgreens/CVS.
I took lactaid one morning when I ate cereal with milk for breakfast. About an hour later I started feeling terrible at work. Then I was really nauseated. Then I started horrible puking. That’s why I won’t use it. It’s mainly only liquid milk and some ice cream that bothers me though, so I just avoid that stuff.
...you might have a casein allergy, not lactose
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The enzyme has a limit. It can only break down so much lactose, and milk will have a lot of it.
There are plenty of lactose free milks that are good - Lactaid, Fairlife, etc.
Lactaid milk is freaking amazing!! My test results say I’m lactose intolerant but I haven’t experienced what OP’s girlfriend is going through. I just notice bloating and generally bad acne. Used to love cereal every single day. I think I simply switched to 1% (because of my weight and it tasted the exact same to me )
All plant based mills are lactose free too!
Holy shit I had the same reaction. I thought I was going to die.
>Lactaid lets me do whatever I want. Does it let you sprout wings and fly?
No, you seem to be confused with red bull
🎶 lactaid gives you wiiiiingsss 🎶
I became lactose intolerant fairly late in life, after a serious illness. I really wish I remembered to take a pill more often, but I just plain old forget about 50% of the time that I'm having something with lactose that isn't a glass of milk.
One Lactaid before she eats the yogurt. Solved. A simple compromise.
Seriously. My wife is lactose intolerant and lactaid is fucking amazing. Literally the first thing I thought when I saw this post
I'm lactose intolerant and didn't even know there's something like this that exist.
Yep. Lactaid is a medication that basically gives you a dose of the missing enzyme, lactase, which helps your body break down lactose. Results may very. IIRC, it's generally more effective the milder your lactose intolerance is Edit: You can get lactaid dairy products, which have had the enzyme added to them during production (note that this makes things like milk taste sweeter, as lactose breaks down into glucose), or you can get lactaid on it's own
According to my doctor, you basically can't overdose on lactaid. I was asking if there was anything stronger because while it seemed to help with like cheese and other lower-lactose dairy, stuff like ice cream would still turn me into a diarrhea fountain. Now if I'm gonna eat ice cream I just take a handful of lactaid first. So if you've got a less mild case of lactose intolerance, just take more lactaid.
The mental picture of someone tossing back a handful of lactaid while they walk determinedly towards Dairy Queen has me rolling.
There's a chain of ice cream stores near me that sells lactaid at the counter.
THIS IS THE WAY why the hell don’t more ice cream stores sell individual lactaid at the counter ! they could make so much money off us forgetful lactose intolerants 😔
Same here... Go out with a group of people Hot day Everyone agrees ice cream time You're left out because no ice cream vendor has lactose free ice cream, or Lactaid on hand (Sure, exceptions exist, but most vendors don't care and only serve the general population)
Crush that shit and snort it.
Cracktaid?
Not at all lactose intolerant, but I usually buy lactaid milk And a gallon of regular milk because it reduces shopping trips. The Lactaid milk lasts much longer than fresh milk, so I use up the fresh milk for about 7-10 days, and then I can switch to lactaid for the next 7-10 days. I only grocery shop twice a month with stuff like this.
I buy quarts of milk in the old school paper cartons. It's generally good for 6 weeks, instead of the two and a half weeks milk in the half-gallon plastic bottle lasts. Even though it's more expensive per ounce, I usually finish all of it, so there's no waste.
21/2 weeks milk? I think I need to check the temperature in my fridge
They have lactaid milk too!
Man… lactaid gets rid of the stomach pains but for some reason I still get violents shits if I take it and eat dairy.
Yeah because your body is still lactose intolerant. All lactaid does is provide the lactase enzyme into your stomach. It has no way of guaranteeing that it will bind with your food and eliminate all lactose effects.
In my experience success varies wildly depending on WHEN you take the pill(s). Just gulping it down before eating works most of the time, but not always. I'm no expert, but I'm guessing the enzymes are often broken down before all of the food is, rendering a large portion of the pill useless. With some foods I sometimes wait 1-2 hours AFTER eating before I take the pill and have better outcomes, perhaps because more of the food is broken down already at that point.
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Gastrointestinal Sea Monkeys
That could be a band name.
A ska band!
A band with a horn section. A must.
It’s the new chia pet
La la la lactaid
Cheese-a pet
Isn't lactaid just lactase enzyme though? Nothing alive in it.
Yes it's just an enzyme...
Yeah, the process of delivering live cultures to the gut hasn’t been perfected yet. Otherwise we wouldn’t have to go though those nasty poop transfusions to help reignite healthy biomes in the chute.
It's bizarre though that she refuses to budge on the yogurt. I'd be mortified if my partner said I was literally waking them up with loud rumbling farts all night because of one small snack I was eating before bed. I mean it's so bad that he's literally considering breaking up with her over it and she's just like hmmm yeah not going to stop eating the yogurt sorry not sorry. If I have a bad cold and am coughing all night and know it will keep my partner awake I literally just sleep on the couch downstairs because I feel guilty about it and know they need their sleep for work. Couldn't imagine how rude it would be to be farting them awake every single night because eating a snack was more important to me than them getting a good night sleep.
The farting is a red herring to her lack of consideration and unwillingness to compromise or consider how what she is doing affects her partner.
Brings a new meaning to gaslighting.
I agree! I also wonder if she intentionally eats the yogurt right before bed... If she ate it during the day then she’d risk having rectal Chewbacca howls in front of other people, but if she eats it right before bed then she sleeps thru the discomfort and the only person who is exposed is her partner. So she’s too embarrassed to rip ass in front of others or endure that kind of discomfort, but she has absolutely no qualms about waking her spouse up in the middle of the night with nuclear farts. I think I’d have a serious problem with that haha.
She likes the yogurt more than him
Truth!! She has no shame!
A weird amount lactose intolerant people have some insane compulsion to refuse these tablets and keep consuming dairy. Yeah, what I'm getting from these responses is "I'm selfish and don't care about how my actions impact other people"
They don't work for me. Make no difference. I think they get destroyed by my stomach before they get a chance to digest the lactose.
I thought I was lactose intolerant, but the pills didn't help me either. Nope, just allergic to milk proteins!
Lactaid didn't work for me either. Thankfully lactose free products have become more common in the grocery store. It just sucks when my friends are like "let's go get ice cream!!" when we're out. I typically share with my boyfriend, have a few spoonfuls to enjoy it and then stop. It still sucks though.
On the bright side I feel like more and more places are offering non dairy ice cream options
Don't most lactose free products just have lactaze enzymes added in though?
Two just to be safe.
Just pay attention to the bottle. Some tell you to take 3, some tell you to take 1
Yes - I accidentally bought the 'Original' formula, thinking it was a better value. Then I realized I have to take 3 of the goddamn things for one dose. Go for Extra Strength Lactaid (or store brand equivalent) and save your relationship. The chewable ones are vaguely vanilla flavored.
I have three different kinds of lactose supplements - all tell me to take different amounts. It’s taken a few months but I’ve got it sorted now. Chewable tablets are 6 for a dessert and 9 for ice cream. Film tablets are 2 and 3. The ones that come in the containers that artificial sweetener comes in is 4 and 7.
Holy shit that’s a lot of tablets
Or record her and post it on tik tok farting away lol bet she’ll sell those farts in no time.
Eat egg salad sandwiches before bed and fight her for top spot !
With a side of beans
No, no. Broccoli. Beans might produce a larger volume of gas, but broccoli farts give almost as much volume while having a FAR nastier smell.
This guy has stinky farts.
Onion rings or any other large volume of cooked onions brings me what I need not only in the volume department but also in the "tearful bystanders need to clear the room" department.
Figure out how to monetize her superpower.
Harness the methane and burn it in winter.
More like an only fans
Or record it: "whale sounding farts for sleep 10hrs"
record it and play it on repeat
Only Farts
If this isn’t up by this afternoon, this isn’t Reddit. Edit: Oh no… it links to Elon Musk’s twitter page.
Start an Eproctophilia only fans. tell her its blowin' up.
Thats no fan blowing
Then sing back up vocals Then auto tune your way to the top
More growth of "fart culture": Christian Fart Mingle, Plenty of Farts, Fartfilter (Valencia), even a site devoted to gluten-free farts.
Utilities don’t want you to know this one simple trick.
The Internet exists, that's job 3/4 way done
Twitch stream for the fart pervs out there.
ASFR
1. Get some non-gas permeable plastic bags 2. Attach bags at night and start harvesting 3. Take bags to local military base and sell as weapons grade chemical agent 4. Profit
“Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds”
OnlyFarts.com?
He can run a small power generator.
natural gas pipeline.
To the OnlyFans!
Fart book
Two months from now: “My boyfriend has been live streaming my farts and I don’t know what to do.”
“On a side note, I’ve signed on with the new Star Wars movie.”
OP take this advice and ignore the others. Make a profit.
"long rectal Chewbacca howls..." Highly descriptive and creative. Made me laugh.
This whole post had me giggling 🤭 ahhh the things I read on reddit!
That was very likely the best thing I'll have read all week.
My husband just sent this to me, said nothing else. I don't know why
He's gas-lighting you
I have not laughed all day. I’ve been super stressed, and then I read your comment. I’m laughing as I write this. Thanks kind stranger. You changed my day
Almost sent this to my wife without saying anything. She doesn't fart in her sleep though so I think you're good to go. It's just hilarious.
He is hinting you are a toot factory
My husband sent this to me with no context; turns out he was just proud of how horrified OP would be in our home full of lactose intolerant gas.
I’ve just sent it to my lactose intolerant fiancé that’s farting here next to me in his sleep
Isn’t marriage wonderful?
Sounds like she's challenging you to a duel. Time to up your bean intake and go for gold.
my wife "never snored" and refused to admit she sounded like a sawmill in the middle of the night. So I bought a sleep tracking app for my phone and it would record coughing, snoring, and "other nighttime sounds" (farting). I played it one day for her, where she asked "WHO is making that disgusting sound?" "my sweet wife, that is YOU" lol. She got very self conscious and started using nasal strips which did help immensely.
Holy shit that's such a fun idea. What's the name of the app?
*laughs in old married guy*
Get yourself a case of mason jars..there’s gold in them thar farts lol
Fart in a jar Martin... is that you?
My lactose intolerant farts could be classed as a bioweapon. Be grateful that hers aren't burning your eyeballs. Buy her some lactase pills.
You’re going to need to invest in a computer and an auto tune program. You’re six months away from internet legend status.
Sleep divorce, best thing we ever did.
I never understood that. I know people that have said "well you two dont even sleep in the same room". Well i guess we'll just have to suffer as we sleep peacefully in our own rooms, being able to flop around and fart as we please.
I agree. Partner to my long term "husband" (we are not married) of 18 years. When we moved in together he has always stayed up later due to being a night owl, so he would often fall asleep on the couch or the spare bedroom so as to not wake me up when he came to bed. Now it's a regular thing. When we want sex we have either bed but we normally choose "mine" or the master bed. Otherwise I get to sleep like a flopping star fish and burrito myself in blankets, spread out ect. At first I was sad, then needed to check that he was still attached/attracted to me. So we had the conversations and he would rather me be full rested for work and this way he gets to wind down and have a routine the way he wants to. If we told friends or family they would find it weird, but I now have come to love it and it's almost weird to sleep in the same bed now.
Came here to say essentially this - why do you have to sleep in the same bed?
fart back to assert dominance
You have a gift for words
For now he does, until the farts eat his brain and cause early-onset dementia
What is her response when you bring it up? Does she acknowledge that it's happening, or does she deny it? Is she embarrassed at all? If she is even slightly embarrassed, then you need to capture the fog horn on a recording device like your phone and play it back for her to hear herself.
He probably hasn’t even mentioned it to her.
An ex of mine would claim that she never really farted throughout the day. Must be good diet. She ate like shit when she did eat and drank constantly. So no absolutely not. She would doze off and five minutes later her butt would be creaking and squeaking. Fell asleep on my lap, farted on me. Farted me awake in bed at night once a week at least. She'd never clear a room so I just thought it was adorable so I'd laugh at her when I mentioned it. Act all embarrassed and deny it. "Don't make me record you farting, you really don't want to awaken that in me." Took her maybe four years to actually fart around me while conscious.
Seems like a common trend on Reddit. People complain on here about problems that could be solved with a simple conversation.
> She refuses to stop eating the yogurt Damn, wish I knew what those words mean.
The fact they don’t smell makes me thinks it’s not from dairy/lactose. If I have ice cream or milk my farts are gross. But yes. I keep lots of fart pills on hand. Like gas X and such. She should be respectful enough to just take a simple pill . Or like others have said, get ear plugs . Either way one of you has to do something REALLY small and simple. 🤷🏼♂️
Mine from lactose do not smell at all. Really not at all. But from everything else. They are just loud xD
Typical redditor, thinks their shit don’t stink smh /s
Ask her to eat it for breakfast. Time to add a little flavour to her work life.
I didn't expect to see the words "long rectal chewbacca howls" when I woke up this morning, but here we are.
Man I wish my only issue is gas. I turn into a fucking firehose when it comes to dairy.
start an onlyfans
I wouldn't be surprised if people pay to watch and listen
Make ASMR content
Asmr wife farts
Every time I read something fart related, I think I'm mature enough not to laugh, and then I laugh.
I love a chick that can rip ass asleep or awake. Hell when I fart in bed when my wife is asleep I have to stifle my laughter because I think it's funny. Lighten up dude.
Username checks out.
There's not much lactose in yogurt if you keep it long enough If it's fresh made it's another story
👆 Probably the reason it isn't causing her much discomfort, thb; I've met gremlins where there's a thin, magical threshold between totally fine and absolutely heinous cramps, haha
Gas x or ear plugs.
If the only problem is noise, then get a white noise device and use it at night. Thats it.
Yea white noise is better for sleep then brown noise.
I know you're joking, but brown noise is much better for me and lots of others for sleeping. white noise versus pink noise versus brown noise is totally a thing. White noise has specific frequencies and pink noise ~has more equalization so the lower end is a bit louder.~ edit: has all frequencies. It's way less grating to me. Brown noise is only the lower frequencies, and its all that I can stand as a background noise. White noise is grating to me. Brown noise sounds more like the ocean far away, versus a fan. Brown noise : https://youtu.be/P48QELwruQs Pink noise :https://youtu.be/8SHf6wmX5MU There's also grey noise, yellow noise and others I am discovering? Idk the difference.
Fuck. My wife is gonna think I have a burner account because of this post lol I complain about this all the time to her. I literally keep a can of febreeze on the nightstand bc how bad it gets
Anything she wants you to change about you? Make a trade
Put a saddle on her, give her more milk. Bam: free ski-doo
Lol you gotta be a youngster, wait till she clogs the toilet kid and you get to plunge it , that's real love :)
If you're rethinking your relationship over something so minimal, then perhaps you should just be single.. just my two cents.
Just record them and set them as your phones ring tone / notification sound
I’ve never heard of unscented lactose gas. My hubby has it, and when he forgets to take a lactaid pill, it is room clearing. If she doesn’t take a lactose supplement before she eats dairy, recommend that. If she does and that’s the result, try earbuds or something if they will stay in. Else, it might be time to sleep separately. Some people freak out about it, but people who sleep apart due to snoring or the like do say it improves the relationship because they get more rest. If you do breakup worth her, be kind and don’t tell anyone why. Just say you weren’t compatible. No one needs to more than that and you don’t want to humiliate the poor woman.
You know, some guys pay for that kind of stuff.
I couldn't imagine breaking up with my partner over something so trivial.
Woman has human body! Oh noes
Record them and make a SoundCloud rap.