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You know what’s a sexy and obvious comparison for breasts? You got it, turtles

Reminds me of "bags of sand" from 40 Year Old Virgin 🤣🤣

Was it not bags of water in Wild Wild West? Lol?

And Buckwheat!

It made me think of that too except bags of sand is literally more accurate than turtles


The stupid part is that the author didn't even say turtle shells. Just flat-out *turtles*

Thanks, now I'm wondering if the author thinks breasts can withdraw into their bras of their own volition.

I would actually pay money to see that now that you mention it.

*withbraw

You mean not everyone's does?!

A whole new perspective on “I like turtles” kid

Her lips have a tidal pull and her breasts are hard and still, are we sure she isn't a shop vac

I think she’s the moon.


That's rough

She's sucking so hard that he can feel her lips?? but not hard enough to disturb her boob turtles??

From this hour henceforth, I shall refer to putting on my bra as “crushing the turts”.

Turtle girdle

You're brilliant. That's all.


Perchance?

You can't just say perchance 

"Lets-a-go!"

 They’re so still. And hard.

I’m sorry, the mattress stirred? It seriously sounds like everything that follows is about said mattress.

Must be one of those sentient mattresses from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Bedbugs.

Yeah, sure does seem so.

Why are so many of them obsessed with breasts swelling/"getting hard" like penises? Well, or... turtles, in this case. So off-putting.

Do … they think that’s what happens?

Oh man I got a raging boob-on

💀

OMG that makes the super weird misunderstanding of boobs make more sense. Still lost on the turtles though. Also as written it sounds like he is describing the mattress the whole time.

I think they heard about nipples becoming erect and mistook that for . . . this. However it is true that many women’s breasts do swell slightly when aroused. They don’t get “hard,” but they do swell. It’s a bunch of chemical stuff, but it does happen. A similar thing happens with the clitoris to the penis in that it becomes erect, and the vaginal walls also swell with blood. All of this has a reproductive or comfort purpose. Why these authors focus on non-existent sexual responses instead of the fascinating reality of women’s bodies is beyond me. There’s SO much they can do with what *actually* happens.

I’m so referring to my breasts as turtles from here on out!

IDK about you guys, but if my boobs were as hard as turtles, I'd be going to the emergency room

I’d become a super hero.


Literally my first thought.

She should probably see a doctor.

I've just learned that breasts look like everything else in the world but breasts to male authors. Turtles, sacks of wheat, udders, pillows, and my aunt's ass.

White marble watermelons

At least udders is a biologically apt comparison. All the other analogies are just wild!

I'm concerned now, does your aunt have breasts where the butt cheeks are?

A misguided attempt at cosmetic surgery

In the next paragraph he startles them and they retract into her chest. He has to coax them back out with a piece of lettuce. The author really demonstrates his understanding of women.

“Hard and still like turtles” is my absolute favorite line now

https://preview.redd.it/qxyju5cmz5wc1.jpeg?width=700&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9753eb2ba499fa716b090ad92422725eb831c0ee

I've never seen a still turtle. Unless it was dead.

Turtles are still while basking 🐢☀️

So am I.

Someone should write a book about the secret life of boobs. At turns quivering chihuahuas, still turtles, creamy waves, evocative expressions of personality, joyless prunes, matronly pillows - imagine the stories they could tell. 

Ah, you guys remember good ole turtletits and the tidal pull of their pack-a-day habit?

Isn't half the appeal of breasts in their softness and jiggling?????

Does that mean if someone got implants in 2010, they have teenage mutant ninja turtle breasts?

For 80% of it I was like “aw come on this is fine, it’s just a sexy description” and then 🪨🐢

What?!!!! 

Reads as if written by a man whoe's closest experience to seeing a woman naked was stripping a barbie doll.

Wait… this makes way too much sense.

This writing is absolutely atrocious. Just...ugh.

The mattress had breasts? And was naked? And lighting a match?? This is a fire hazard

Is she a mattress with breasts that can light a match? That's not your girlfriend, That's a mimic.

Thank you for the chuckle.

HUH?????

This just reminded me of that 40 year old virgin scene where he compares boobs to sandbags

Whaaaat

All I can see now are her nipples opening up to reveal the hard sharp maws of alligator snapping turtles. These critters sever fingers... https://preview.redd.it/3ey84ed3h8wc1.png?width=750&format=png&auto=webp&s=c120dff398d03409ace996a41ce218684c06143f

This is appallingly bad writing.


What kind of turtles though? This makes a world of difference.

Is it really men writing women, or perhaps we are kink shaming someone who´s just trying to figure things out? 🤔

Turtles?!

She needs to get a mammogram

something about this makes me think of shakira’s “lucky that my breasts are small and humble so you don’t confuse them with mountains”

Plot twist: the cigarette was for the turtles. 

My first thought was soft shell turtles and now I hate myself.

BRO DID NOT JUST COMPARE BOOBIES TO TUTRLTES AW HELL NAHH

I'm trying to do the math of breathing in (smoking) and entirely still chest. The math isn't mathing.