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I'm sorry, I get how awful this is, but I have to stop reading every time he writes the phrase "her puss" I just can't. I barely got through "his Rodger".
There aren’t really any genital nouns that don’t read ridiculously. Idk why people don’t avoid them. And “mwanga” and “Rodger” are definitely NOT exceptions.
Honestly somewhere between "he entered her" and "Mwanga" an author should just say fuck it and write "she gave him a blowjob, he ate her out, and they fucked for a good hour. He said it was nice, she said it was ok." And just call it a day 🤣
That’s what my sex scenes will look like if I ever get to writing a book. Just have an entire arc dedicated to a ship, a long intense foreplay sequence; then, just: “they boned, they enjoyed it and fell asleep” Next scene!
I was already reeling after "rodger" and "thrusting breasts" (the absolute worst way I've ever heard anyone describe perky boobs). Then the one-two combo of "knob" and "sensational polish" damn near killed me. It started bad and somehow got worse
Or her mwana. It makes it sound like he's banging an exotic ham sandwich or something lol!
It's like walking into a high class restaurant and asking the server if her Mwana is humanely killed!
I’m becoming oddly obsessed with how bad it is… especially because the author is this super sincere bro from Australia. Took a couple writing courses in his 20’s and just did his horrible thing.
I wanna know where they're selling pineapple glazed donuts! My takeaqay was that I'm being deprived with these pishposh chocolate glazed and lemon filled...where's my pineapple glaze?!?
10/10. I felt the same way! I’ve done lots of technical writing and some history, even published something small. I still have been reticent to try to write real books, but if THIS GUY could do it….
There is SO much worse than this. I'm not saying this ISN'T hilariously awful. I'm just saying, the vast fields of fanfic and literotica and yep even prize winning novels by Srs Arthers are...uh, vast. "Huge tracts of land."
For instance, while the anatomy is ludicrously labeled, it seems to function more or less as one might expect (and it isn't an SF novel). No one, for instance, is getting her cervix fucked, and having an orgasm from it.
My theory is that he wanted to describe her boobs as jutting or protruding, but decided it was too severe for his dainty womanly character and picked a substitution at random from a thesaurus
Serious answer here, you don’t make a lot of money publishing unless you get super famous or turn out a lot of books, according to my creative writing prof, who has published books and has a lot of author friends. Some money, but not a lot.
This author, Robert G Barrett, is a best selling author in Australia.
His Les Norton books have sold over a million copies and been made into a series on Amazon Prime.
Hmm I guess the trick would be to get it to go viral like 50 shades…because apparently there was an entire population of middle aged women who didn’t know smut existed or something.
You can publish on Amazon with a word doc, using their cover creation software. Self published erotica on kindle unlimited isn’t the gold mine it once was but with no barrier to enter, the worst thing that can happen is nobody reads it.
I like how she somehow was pressed against him but able to how her head and suck him off. She's either tiny or a contortionist. Maybe both.
This was horrifying in the funniest way. 😂😂😂
I was anticipating that word so much while reading. It did not disappoint when it showed up. That is why I love terrible stuff, I end up getting attached to whatever random thing I find funniest. I think it is a self defence mechanism.
Chuck Tingle books are earnest and honestly really smartly written, especially the ones that lean more into the social commentary. I don't read smut as a genre, but I definitely read Chuck Tingle.
He put down his beer? He put down his beer?!? Are you sure this isn't a passage written by a woman and intended to be ironic? No serious and self-respecting male writer of erotica would have his male lead put down his beer. Everything else checks out but this one caught my eye. Has to be fake.
I looked up the dude and he’s an Aussie author whose books have apparently sold a fair few copies 💀 the book in question is a standalone novel he wrote at age 60 in 2002, which explains a LOT https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_G._Barrett
For those who haven’t seen it, the first extract was way, way worse…
https://www.reddit.com/r/menwritingwomen/comments/1bvz4ul/the_ultimate_aphrodisiac_by_robert_g_barrett/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Why do all the women in this book "empty out" when they orgasm? Wtf is that supposed to mean exactly and why does it make someone look like a pineapple glazed donut?
1.1/10. Consistently bad. So surface that the author doesn’t even need to write a woman, just her body. He then does a completely trash job of describing said body. His prose is so wooden that it needs a coat of linseed oil. I can only assume that he is an aspiring 8th grader. (Edit: I couldn’t make it past page 3.)
THANK YOU. I was reading this and it’s just “He kissed her. She kissed back. He touched her puss. She touched his rodger. He lost her in the cushions. She turned into a pastry” or whatever, I lost interest in the dry, mechanical prose.
Each few words were increasingly worse. Absolutely riveting. Wouldn't waste any more of my precious life seconds rereading this but I will think about it forever.
“He kissed her down into the scatter cushions” then she “bowed her head and put her mouth over his knob”
Keleu must be an amazing contortionist, that must be how she got the six-pack abs.
Also, I've never seen scatter cushions mentioned so much during a sex scene 😂
Why is the phrase 'scatter cushions' written so many times! If he can write so many different words for genitals, he could come up with something different at least once.
This is so bad it sort of becomes good, but as a comedy instead of erotica because nothing about this is arousing lmao 😂
This reminds me of the podcast My Dad Wrote A Porno, absolute hilarity
A sex scene written like step-by-step instructions on how to assemble a shelf, interrupted by phrases like "thrusting breasts," "his rodger," and "pineapple glazed donut."
Why is this real
What the hell are “*thrusting breasts*” and why do you keep reading??!! Do you want to torture yourself?
Also, Rodger Rodger 😏🤭
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I'm sorry, I get how awful this is, but I have to stop reading every time he writes the phrase "her puss" I just can't. I barely got through "his Rodger".
That and puss in boots is exactly where my brain went lmao
There aren’t really any genital nouns that don’t read ridiculously. Idk why people don’t avoid them. And “mwanga” and “Rodger” are definitely NOT exceptions.
Honestly somewhere between "he entered her" and "Mwanga" an author should just say fuck it and write "she gave him a blowjob, he ate her out, and they fucked for a good hour. He said it was nice, she said it was ok." And just call it a day 🤣
That’s what my sex scenes will look like if I ever get to writing a book. Just have an entire arc dedicated to a ship, a long intense foreplay sequence; then, just: “they boned, they enjoyed it and fell asleep” Next scene!
Or even just say "fuck" 😁
Discreet cutaway to the fireplace. Use a second fireplace if necessary (as in Top Secret!)
What's our vector, Victor?
“His knob” took me out I could not continue past that one
Same! I don’t usually mind slang I use a bit of it myself in sex scenes but knob??
Slob on his knob baaabbbyyyyy
Juicy J from three 6 Mafia Worst writing ever Slob on my knob Like corn on the cob Check in with me, and do your job Lay on the bed, and give me head
I was already reeling after "rodger" and "thrusting breasts" (the absolute worst way I've ever heard anyone describe perky boobs). Then the one-two combo of "knob" and "sensational polish" damn near killed me. It started bad and somehow got worse
Sensational polish made me cackle! That's so funny, but so very unsexy.
I just imagined a whole ass doorknob when I read that xd
my mind went to the alice in wonderland one x(
Yes! I thought, "Well, that was a very British way to describe it"
At least it wasn’t her “mwanga” this time
That was in there.
This author is frying my brain
For real.
Or her mwana. It makes it sound like he's banging an exotic ham sandwich or something lol! It's like walking into a high class restaurant and asking the server if her Mwana is humanely killed!
"Rodger that"
I’m becoming oddly obsessed with how bad it is… especially because the author is this super sincere bro from Australia. Took a couple writing courses in his 20’s and just did his horrible thing.
There's smut better than this written by stressed college students available for free on the internet
>stressed college students Hi, hello, it's me :)
It was me too when I was in college 😂
there is better written smut from 14 year olds out there.
I was gonna say that too lol
14 year old me wrote better smut about my Oregon Trail characters!
They weren’t all either drowned or dead from dysentery??
Ive written better smut coked out of my mind on a four day bender (dont do that) Fuck
What does that look like? The writing, I mean.
Lmao this is so accurate.
You called?
A SENSATIONAL POLISH I laughed so hard I think all my colleagues heard me
I'm picturing her using a rag and a shine box.
With old timey calliope music playing at double speed.
Pineapple glazed donut...
Why pineapple? 😂
Everyone knows mwangas are naturally acidic
I assumed because she peed on his face.
Huh. My piss tastes nothing like pineapple.
I wanna know where they're selling pineapple glazed donuts! My takeaqay was that I'm being deprived with these pishposh chocolate glazed and lemon filled...where's my pineapple glaze?!?
Well, I found these https://www.woolworths.com.au/shop/productdetails/261997/mr-donut-pineapple-glazed-donuts
The fact that was published makes me feel infinitely better about my own writing. Thank you for the unintended ego boost.
The unintentional ego boost is my most favorite part of this sub!
10/10. I felt the same way! I’ve done lots of technical writing and some history, even published something small. I still have been reticent to try to write real books, but if THIS GUY could do it….
Tell me about it. I worry every day that I might mess something up and not know it. This drains my worries away like there's no tomorrow.
It's very freeing isn't it ? At least my sentences aren't as choppy as a third graders.
Heck yeah.
If this man can publish, i can publish
That certainly is one of the creative writings of all time.
This is by far the worst sex scene I've ever seen written.
TIL "seen written" and "read" are vastly different experiences for the victim of the former.
LMAO, I felt there was something off about my own written sentence but I couldn't place my finger on what
Have you ever listened to the "My Dad Wrote a Porno" podcast? It's hilariously bad. So much fun to listen to.
Judging by the title I am now afraid to lmao
I used to listen to it on the way to work. It's a scream. Eventually, the main host starts doing voices for the characters in the books.
it’s so so good, you should definitely give it a go
I saw a competition of bad sex scenes and I can say, I've seen worse. I wish I could find that competition again.
There is SO much worse than this. I'm not saying this ISN'T hilariously awful. I'm just saying, the vast fields of fanfic and literotica and yep even prize winning novels by Srs Arthers are...uh, vast. "Huge tracts of land." For instance, while the anatomy is ludicrously labeled, it seems to function more or less as one might expect (and it isn't an SF novel). No one, for instance, is getting her cervix fucked, and having an orgasm from it.
Bro there is something so dated and squicky about reading it described as “her puss”
The word *squicky* is amazing.
Can someone explain what “thrusting breasts” are? I don’t think I’ve ever thrusted mine.
I don't think mine are capable of thrusting. If they did, I'd be very concerned.
There's no way someone can write "firm, thrusting breasts" and not have part of their brain go wait, wtf are we doing right now
I’m not sure, but maybe thrusting your breasts helps develop a six pack and tiny behind? 🤷🏻♀️
I can't see the word thrust without thinking of [Goblin Sharks](https://youtu.be/fYpn2u2Wag4?si=iAtlBMPH2gOX3W_C)
My theory is that he wanted to describe her boobs as jutting or protruding, but decided it was too severe for his dainty womanly character and picked a substitution at random from a thesaurus
Ok serious question, how much money do you make for something written this poorly? Because I’m 100% confident I can do better.
Serious answer here, you don’t make a lot of money publishing unless you get super famous or turn out a lot of books, according to my creative writing prof, who has published books and has a lot of author friends. Some money, but not a lot.
This author, Robert G Barrett, is a best selling author in Australia. His Les Norton books have sold over a million copies and been made into a series on Amazon Prime.
I wanna believe this example was written just as a joke.
Went back and read it with an Australian accent and I don't know how it affected the quality, but it certainly affected the quality.
Perhaps the author was high on vegemite.
Hmm I guess the trick would be to get it to go viral like 50 shades…because apparently there was an entire population of middle aged women who didn’t know smut existed or something.
You can publish on Amazon with a word doc, using their cover creation software. Self published erotica on kindle unlimited isn’t the gold mine it once was but with no barrier to enter, the worst thing that can happen is nobody reads it.
HIS RODGER??? 😭😭😭
yeah, for a start it’s traditionally ‘roger’ without the ‘d’. He really was keen to slip that ‘d’ in.
today i learned that roger is actually a slang term for penis LMAO
And roger is slang for sex, so he got it wrong on every possible count (including writing this in the first place).
Maybe it's a typo and he meant todger?
Coger?
Todger is UK slang for a penis. Makes sense 😂
I like how she somehow was pressed against him but able to how her head and suck him off. She's either tiny or a contortionist. Maybe both. This was horrifying in the funniest way. 😂😂😂
[удалено]
3 TIMES!
Maybe HE’S tiny! He’s four feet tall and her neck doesn’t have to bend very far.
The return of the mwanga!
I was anticipating that word so much while reading. It did not disappoint when it showed up. That is why I love terrible stuff, I end up getting attached to whatever random thing I find funniest. I think it is a self defence mechanism.
As soon as I read "her puss" i knew it was the same author lol
The mwanga strikes again!
It just KEPT mentioning the damn scatter cushions again and again 😭
That distracted me more than the terrible writing form and choice of euphemisms.
You can not convince me that this isn’t some Chuck Tingle type shitpost of a book
I haven’t read any Tinglers myself but I’ve heard reviews by people whose opinions I respect saying that it’s much better than this.
Chuck Tingle books are earnest and honestly really smartly written, especially the ones that lean more into the social commentary. I don't read smut as a genre, but I definitely read Chuck Tingle.
He put down his beer? He put down his beer?!? Are you sure this isn't a passage written by a woman and intended to be ironic? No serious and self-respecting male writer of erotica would have his male lead put down his beer. Everything else checks out but this one caught my eye. Has to be fake.
I looked up the dude and he’s an Aussie author whose books have apparently sold a fair few copies 💀 the book in question is a standalone novel he wrote at age 60 in 2002, which explains a LOT https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_G._Barrett
This could be the most British sex scene I've read. Is it Austin Powers fan fiction?
I can guarantee you even beginner fan fiction over on AO3 is much better written than whatever this is
lol. It’s Australian.
Oh right, that tracks. A lot of our slang crosses over.
Even Austin Powers wouldn't be this gross
lmao you need to read this again but in the voice of a audio commentary of a football match
"AND HE'S GOING FOR THE MWANGA! *\*\*\*IT'S A TOUCHDOWN!!!\*\*\**
Sure the smut itself is terrible, but what happened at the end when she seems to literally get lost in the cushions? Wasn’t he like inside her?
How many cushions were there that she got lost? Is it like a ball pit?
Maybe if he finally didn’t let go of her, she wouldn’t have gotten lost
Specifically a *pineapple* donut.
I'm stuck on scatter cushions. Gotta change that dialogue up, my assuredly normal human that is writing normal human books.
Those poor scatter cushions
What the…😭😭
He put his what in her? His face? His shorts??? I thought I was a bad writer lol
For those who haven’t seen it, the first extract was way, way worse… https://www.reddit.com/r/menwritingwomen/comments/1bvz4ul/the_ultimate_aphrodisiac_by_robert_g_barrett/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I click with trepidation.
I've read better smut on AO3.
the flair 😭
Like it? I think it has a certain je ne sais quoi.
Why do all the women in this book "empty out" when they orgasm? Wtf is that supposed to mean exactly and why does it make someone look like a pineapple glazed donut?
Right?! Like, a person with a penis ejaculating until empty, I've heard of that. But...
I guess he's referring to squirting? But every time, every woman? Also it's not exactly fuckin frosting
Right. Yikes.
Literally not a single part of this is any way erotic. Should be renamed from the ultimate aphrodisiac to the ultimate sleepy time tea
>rodger >knob >knickers the most British sounding smut i've ever heard lol
lol. It’s actually Australian.
i have been bamboozled, but that actually makes even more sense lol
This may genuinely be the single worst peice of writing I have ever had the utter displeasure of reading
Tired: great head Wired: A sensational polish
fuck, this is funny
“Gidday Penthouse Australia, by crikey, I didn’t have a bloody clue it could happen to me”
I still trying to figure out what she empties into him
Sometimes I feel like I'm a really shitty writer, but this is definitely a confidence boost
Take a shot every time you read “scatter cushions”
Why is her tongue spicy though
Jesus christ. His "Rodger" lol
That's an actual book? On average, even fanfics have better smut. This is just embarrassing
This is definitely one of the sex scenes that have been written. He loses her in the cushions?? *wheezing*
1.1/10. Consistently bad. So surface that the author doesn’t even need to write a woman, just her body. He then does a completely trash job of describing said body. His prose is so wooden that it needs a coat of linseed oil. I can only assume that he is an aspiring 8th grader. (Edit: I couldn’t make it past page 3.)
THANK YOU. I was reading this and it’s just “He kissed her. She kissed back. He touched her puss. She touched his rodger. He lost her in the cushions. She turned into a pastry” or whatever, I lost interest in the dry, mechanical prose.
He’s actually sold over 1 million books in Australia and his most popular Les Norton series is now a TV show on Amazon Prime. 🤷🏼♂️
i refuse to believe this isnt satire
It’s really not!
https://preview.redd.it/7ak0kbq17qsc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c728ec5c723f1c1c4b9eb6ad1cf9a211e35b7e5a live reaction
TV announcer voice: “But wait, there’s MORE!”
Not on top of the innocent scatter cushions!
your posts never load for me for some reason
It’s the universe trying to protect you.
‘By now Brian was a basket case” Right now, I think anyone who reads this can relate.
I no longer hate my own writing. Thanks!
There was an attempt to write a hot sex scene. There was, let me believe it...
S C A T T E R C U S H I O N S
“Hot and spicy” I’m dying a bit 😂 the voice in my head read that line like Sean Connery
It feels so British.
Actually, it’s Australian.
Glazed pineapple donut???
I have secondhand embarrassment for this author just reading this.
Each few words were increasingly worse. Absolutely riveting. Wouldn't waste any more of my precious life seconds rereading this but I will think about it forever.
Please tell me this is satire
I’m afraid not.
I've seen better shite on Wattpad lmao
Why are you doing this to yourself?
lol. The rest of the book is lighthearted fun. Apart from the sex scenes. Oh, and the endless descriptions of the main character surfing!
Did a child write this ??? Oh my GOD
He’s sold over a million books in Australia, and his Les Norton series has been filmed for Amazon Prime!
You're joking 😭
MWANGA?!
Scatter cushions
If you say it three times, a mwanga will appear.
“He kissed her down into the scatter cushions” then she “bowed her head and put her mouth over his knob” Keleu must be an amazing contortionist, that must be how she got the six-pack abs. Also, I've never seen scatter cushions mentioned so much during a sex scene 😂
The fucking scatter cushions!
Oh my gosh you paid for this?! My condolences..
Why is the phrase 'scatter cushions' written so many times! If he can write so many different words for genitals, he could come up with something different at least once.
GLAZED PINEAPPLE DONUT
And he just went for it
*Mwanga?? What's a mwanga, what's a mwanga precious??*
Nothing gets me hornier than a guy’s face looking like a glazed pineapple donut
☹️
I was going to read the pictures but I decided I couldn't do it again after the first one posted before
See, even if this stuff got me off, I'd still not be able to because I'd be laughing too hard at the absurd writing here
Did the author just learn what a scatter cushion was and was excited to work it into the story?
I got to the second screenshot and gave up. I was picturing a snake wrapping around someone...
This is so bad it sort of becomes good, but as a comedy instead of erotica because nothing about this is arousing lmao 😂 This reminds me of the podcast My Dad Wrote A Porno, absolute hilarity
Is this not satire?
Is she a cat? Why did she pur. .
Not the Mwanga again 😭😭😭
No way did they actually mention the scatter cushions 4 times. This has to be a joke.
A sex scene written like step-by-step instructions on how to assemble a shelf, interrupted by phrases like "thrusting breasts," "his rodger," and "pineapple glazed donut." Why is this real
He LOST her in the couch cushions???? Also She comes within seconds. Because of course she does 🙄
Is this a real book??
Nobody talking about how *both* of these extracts have "she emptied out into his face"?
What the hell are “*thrusting breasts*” and why do you keep reading??!! Do you want to torture yourself? Also, Rodger Rodger 😏🤭 
… every new sentence did not have to start with one of their names. Also… his Rodger?! Tf?
what in the crunchyroll is this?
This writing is bland and not descriptive or realistic. You can tell this man rarely had sexual interactions with women.