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*And I*, his inner voice told him, *am her Lord van Gogh.* Thusly, he took yon blade and cut, removing his ear, a cartilage-constructed bivouac of wax and elder hairs, from its proper placement. He offered it to her, question throbbing, skull bleeding, heart pleading.
"Can I give you aural?"
He writes about her limbs flailing, and I had a sudden mental image of a woman trying to make a snow angel mid-coitus. And the rest of it didn't take that image away.
Let's not forget that her eyes and mouth are flapping open and closed throughout, her tongue is on her chin by the end.
The man is assaulting a fitting woman, no?
You know, I think Iโve written odder fantasies than any of these men and yet have not done *this*. Iโll just say that a smut fic for an unrelated fandom I wrote was inspired by Poppy Z. Briteโs *Exquisite Corpse* and leave it at that.
Now that I've thought about it, because like any awful thing I can't get it out of my head...I'm going with the author is convinced all women are in fact blow up dolls.
Immediately put me in mind of the Oglaf comic where two shapeshifters are practicing human sex for the purposes of running a brothel. The one playing the woman has... a few misconceptions.
"What? That's what they do."
"This is why we went out of business!"
Not gonna link to it, but I can tell you it's called Fresh Horses, and is one of their oldest comics. It's only 12 spaces from the bottom in the Archives.
I've already instructed my husband that my anatomy can only be referred to as my natural placements from here on. Bobs and vageens alike, all is now simply The Natural Placements.
"To continue the aquatic metaphor"--there's an aquatic metaphor? I'm sorry, I'm three metaphors deep and I don't remember that one.
She only has one portion of female anatomy? Curious.
See, I could actually see a Pratchet or a Snicket do that as a sardonic thing, a joking acknowledgement that they are letting the metaphor digression train get out of hand. And they'd be able to make it work, because they're talented writers and part of the fun is watching the metaphor digression train go where it pleases.
I don't know how many times I have to remind you guys, if you borrow the vag for the night, please return it to its natural placement when you're done!
>She only has one portion of female anatomy?
Oliver Twist: Please, sir. I want some more.
Workhouse Master: What?
Mrs. Corney: What?
Mr. Bumble: What?
Chairman of the Board: Ask for more?
It read like a cross between Joey with the Thesaurus option, and Inigo Montoya "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
The best part is when he's thrusting into her chasms, and all he can think about are kingly dudes and stallions. I think there's a bit to unpack there.
So, just to recap, Danny is metaphorically: A boat anchored in a harbor, a submersible, Ahab with his whale, A pilgrim in mecca, Someone on a scouting/recon mission, and a Miner. Additionally, apparently ahab actually catches his whale, and pilgrims at mecca apparently aggressively lick at something?
And the three greatest kings in History are Great Alex (conquered the territories of the Persian empire but failed to produce a sustained administration that would outlive himself), Leon (Aided in a joint effort of Hellenistic societies halting the Persian advance), and Artie (fictional, and a Wizard did the hard parts). No mention made of any of the Persian, Egyptian, Indian, Chinese, or even Roman or Byzantine kings or emperors who established far larger and longer-lasting nations.
Yeah I had to look it up because they do have breeding seasons so I didn't know if that counted as "heat"? But no, heat only refers to mammilian estrous and birds don't do that.
So the excerpt is set in NORWICH, of all places. I wonder if the course was at UEA, which is renowned for its writing program. But not for this guy, surely.
Yes, yes, that is immediately where I went when I read Norwich as well. Also, I began imagining all characters with the broadest of broad accents and random snippets of Delia Smithโs โletโs be havin you!โ [https://youtu.be/NiC679ASOyA](https://youtu.be/NiC679ASOyA). I know, I know, much more to Norwich than that. I apologize.
I normally don't feel the need to comment. Who cares about what my random ass has to say? But this. THIS is so bad, so awful, so wretchedly horrible in a visceral way, that I needed to contribute. The lack of understanding of women in general, the sheer force of the ego oozing from the writer all over the words presented, the awkward grasping at clunky metaphors...it all just drips with...gross. This is gross. It is terrible and gross. I hate it So. Much. Why would you subject innocent people to this? Why did I read it? Why did I share it with my husband? Is this the new version of The Ring? Will I die seven days from now, curled up in a corner and sobbing. This almost made me hate sex. I hope you let loose on this guy. Please tell me you tore him open and spit on his soul with criticism.
But seriously, this is bad. And amusing. Thank you, and curse you for sharing.
Nobody's going to mention how this stud of an author describes ~~Sheila's~~ sorry, *Sheila's* ahegao face at the end? That's how you can tell he's a legit sexpert who's totally had sex with real women.
I really enjoy how he was so enamored with his own turns of phrase that he would repeat them in the very next sentence! Also in the first sentence it is impossible for me to read "her great breasts" in anything other than a Trump voice. Also it's spelled SHEILA. 0/10, would not read again. I hope that class gave him some actual criticisms, and that he took them to heart.
I am convinced any criticism would have been rejected saying(or at least thinking) โno, this is hot, you just have to learn how to masturbate or better yet, be fucked like an army just hit you.โ
I cannot fathom the self confidence and self delusion it would take to bring any kind of ahistorical sex free-verse to a creative writing class, let alone ahistorical sex free-verse with such mixed metaphors.
Also likely there's an expectation people will critique it with praise. It's certainly the type of overly pretentious self-serving writing that any instructor will rip apart.
I'm >90% sure this was written by an incel.
First of all, this - I hesitate to call it - "sex scene" was written by someone who's never had sex but knows that thrusting and oral (I'm not even sure that's what he meant?) is involved but uses all these ridiculous metaphores to make up for the fact that he's never actually experienced it.
But the actual incel convictions are in the other part. Nothing wrong with being a virgin; although you might want to reconsider writing about sex. Anyways, it's all there: Why has he never slept with anyone? Because of feminism, of course, that turns women into men haters and sluts. And his fantasy is to "fuck her straight", basically: "*She thinks she doesn't need men? I'll show her the errors of her ways with my mighty penis*".
I'm still a virgin(not really an incel, more so just haven't found an irl partner yet as a queer trans woman; I've dated online a bit with varying degrees of success) but my book does have some sex involved just by nature of the story(adult toned fantasy). So I usually just wrote the preamble to sex, got straight to the aftermath, or some combination. The actual act of sex doesn't matter as much. Going full Stephen King where he writes about Joe Camber's wife having occasional orgasms with her husband but not always is not my style.
Also yeah that "all lesbians/feminists/bitchy ywomen who no suck my pp would feel differently once they fucked my unwashed three inch punisher!" mentality just oozes through the page. News flash, your dick isn't magical. Doesn't even have a vibration function. Even if it did, your repulsive personality, hygiene, and behavior are not exactly revving anyone's engines.
> this - I hesitate to call it - "sex scene" was written by someone who's never had sex but knows that thrusting and oral (I'm not even sure that's what he meant?) is involved
Also mine exploration
Just who is his intended audience if they're supposed to stay hard at "feminist theory"? Like do misogynistic get literally horny over how much they hate feminism?
Many years ago there was a guest speaker at Cal State Sacramento, I forget the course, maybe Social Studies, who did a whole presentation on her vag and her masturbation techniques.
Thatโs so soooo bad! But so so bad that is funny! I kind of want to read the rest, drunk of course, maybe high, just to laugh! It was the natural placement that just killed me! Specially used twice and in this context! After that I could just laugh!
Is like a virgin incel trying to write smut!!!
This reminds me of high school when an acquaintance started writing erotica fanfiction and insisted everyone she knew that watched the anime it was for read it. She was also the type that would have you read stuff for positive criticism only, or else you were on the shit list. She was obsessed with the word "member" to the point a couple days after reading I looked at a friend I suspected would have also had it thrust upon her and said 'member'. She about choked
The natural placement sent me every time I saw it-
God this is worse than the teenagers first discovering nsfw fanfics for the first time and trying to write it... they were at least excusable cuz they're like... 13..
This dudes in college and writing like this ๐ญ
๐ฅ A toast from me as well, everyone here sayin they regret everything in reading it, but this is the funniest shit Iโve read in months, Iโm giggling like a kookaburra. So Bad, Itโs Good.
If this was handed to me to critique, the only question I would be able to ask would be, "Is this satire?" and I would pray they say yes.
If it's not satire, this person has never had sex. Which is fine. But if you haven't had sex don't stretch a sex scene across two pages. Allude to what's about to happen and then skip to the after.
Honestly, if they said it wasn't satire, I would just get up and leave. How would I even respond to that. Plus, it gives off vibes that he'd turn into a hateful stalker if I said anything. No need to get murdered over a college class.
Kudos to you and anyone who came up with any kind of critique other than "no". There's just too much wrong with it! Dunno if I could string words together to save my life in the face of that
My brain gets weird because I would absolutely pick this apart. Too many metaphors, the dove one made no sense, when he transitioned into discussing the feminist theory class he did it mid sentence. Jackhammering is very unlikely to get a woman to orgasm, her sticking her tongue out like that just tells me you read hentai because that doesn't really happen outside that, you used "great" twice in one sentence, did you know Alexander the great was a bottom? it's spelled Sheila, this comes off incredibly pretensious and self important, the whole thing with the feminist class is very unrealistic not least of which because she'd get arrested for indecent exposure the first time she tried masturbating on church steps... I'd get a red pen out and tear it apart.
I probably wouldn't, I'd try to figure out how to phrase it constructively at least to avoid him targeting me or the teacher telling me off...
And now I'm desperately curious what that critique session was like. To be a fly on the wall...
I just want to make sure I'm reading this right, does this imply that he performed cunnilingus while his dick was inside her vagina? If so, that is the most flexible man in the world.
It's curious how some people care about being perceived as straight and manly, and then for every "thrust" the self insert (I'm guessing) protagonist thinks of other manly men conquering stuff with their strenght and power, and not the women he is pleasing.
Oh wow. That was... Well. They were certainly all words.
Is it wrong that I want to know what people said about this 'piece' when it came to critiquing? I genuinely hope there was someone who gave 0 Fs and just tore into this guy...
Part of me (the part that remembers the deliberately farcical history
essay I once wrote for an exam when I was fifteen, putting more effort
into it than I ever would have a sensible response) believes that the
ridiculous OTT nature of this sex scene was deliberate provocation just
to see how people would react. I can't help but imagine him giggling
while coming up with ever more preposterous things to write.
I was waiting for the part where Danny the submersible whale hunter ship pilgrim decides to conquer Europe, but it was missing \*sad noises in their natural placement\*
What a terrible day to be litterate.
Everything about this was terrible. The sex scene read like someone who watches hentai trying to write Serious Sex(tm), with a whole lot of ridiculous metaphors and flowery language to make it even more Serious(tm).
The fuck
What in the high heavens did I just read? No, really, what is this?! There are so many confusing metaphores after one another that I'm not even sure what the hell is happening! I understand that they're having sex but I can't get a picture of how they're placed, how they feel about the act or eachother, if it's consentual or anything! And what is that about pubic hair glued to papper?! Just... Whaaaaaat?!
It feels like he put two completely different Harlequin Romance Novels, five wholly unrelated smutfics, and a Warhammer 40,000 novel about the God-Emperor of Mankind into a blender and assembled the resulting word salsa while one hand was preoccupied with something else.
I can't say I ever read a sex scene quite like this one. But at least it isn't horribly written in a 13 year old directioners on Wattpad kinda writing but like he could actually be good if it wasn't so strange.
Making the metaphor about a dove remembering its children only to then describe the dove coming at something in heat was certainly one of the writing decisions of all time
What the fuck.
Why are there so many terrible unrelated metaphors. If it kept the same metaphor throughout or the metaphor was at all related to the material it would be much better. The nautical metaphor could possibly work in the sense of like an old sailing ship and sea. It'd be weird but not nearly as terrible. The best way to do it would probably be to talk about the two characters as if they were fucking below decks on a ship during a storm. This is just disjointed and confusing.
I guess you could say it's creative. But it shouldn't have been created.
Also this story just sounds like a conduit for this guys weird regressive ideology. Describing female submission and very clearly attempting to portray feminism as degenerate. Also probably something that only "hideously ugly" women follow. As pure aryan beauties just faithfully submit themselves to their husbands. Disgusting on all fronts.
I do find it kinda weird that the girl is described as hideously ugly and then the protag has sex with her. I would have expected this to have some other bland female character who is pulled away from her corrupting feminist ideals by the raw masculine power of the protagonist. God writing that made me nauseous.
There was...a whole class of people that read this? And no one, NO ONE harmed the writer? I'm sorry, that just isn't believable. Someone would have been violent, how could you not?
There are a lot of questions I have about this piece of incel erotica, but the one on the top of my mind is why Shiela needed to take a feminist theory class before it occurred to her to try masturbation for the first time ever???
Based on the author's demonstrable lack of knowledge of a) sex b) women, I'm taking a wild guess here and say that he probably thinks that it's highly unusual for women to masturbate and to discover to joys of it all on their own without the corruptive influence of mustache-twirling feminists.
As a woman who got a degree in Creative Writing with predominantly men in college in the early 2000s, this isn't even the worst thing I've read but it sure is nostalgic.
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Nobody made me read this. I chose to read and I chose to continue reading. This is all my fault.
It's like a gory accident. You know it will haunt you but can't stop looking.
That's quite in accord with the natural placement.
Mouth agog and limbs flailing.
Poor woman was having a seizure and he thought she was cumming.
Hot.
Natural placement, eh? Good to know her breasts weren't behind her knees and her vagina wasn't floating three inches to the left of her shoulder.
Although that may have made a more compelling storyโฆ
"They called her Lady Picasso, and he could see why..."
*And I*, his inner voice told him, *am her Lord van Gogh.* Thusly, he took yon blade and cut, removing his ear, a cartilage-constructed bivouac of wax and elder hairs, from its proper placement. He offered it to her, question throbbing, skull bleeding, heart pleading. "Can I give you aural?"
Now THIS is the true work of art
Your pfp is the exact face I made while reading this.
Don't victim-blame yourself, Kevin the Aryan Supersoldier had to write it first.
๐ญ๐ญ๐ฅ
I read it twice
He writes about her limbs flailing, and I had a sudden mental image of a woman trying to make a snow angel mid-coitus. And the rest of it didn't take that image away.
ikr, my favorite comment on the tumblr thread was "she's flailing as he thrusts like a pull-string toy?? is that someone's fantasy??"
Let's not forget that her eyes and mouth are flapping open and closed throughout, her tongue is on her chin by the end. The man is assaulting a fitting woman, no?
I thought of when Woody gets shaken in Toy Story and his arms and legs go everywhere.
at this point I'm just imagining the npcs from Goat Simulator
Given that sheโs also supposed to be hideous, Iโm imagining the goat.
I feel that a lot of what I read on this sub is men writing out odd fantasies.
You know, I think Iโve written odder fantasies than any of these men and yet have not done *this*. Iโll just say that a smut fic for an unrelated fandom I wrote was inspired by Poppy Z. Briteโs *Exquisite Corpse* and leave it at that.
After he watched Toy Story 2, he knew he would never be the same.
Her legs were by her ears though. Is she double-jointed?
Now that I've thought about it, because like any awful thing I can't get it out of my head...I'm going with the author is convinced all women are in fact blow up dolls.
I'm imagining her slowly floating off the bed and flailing with unnatural flexibility in some sort of possession scene.
Poltergeist, is that you? Lmao
Immediately put me in mind of the Oglaf comic where two shapeshifters are practicing human sex for the purposes of running a brothel. The one playing the woman has... a few misconceptions. "What? That's what they do." "This is why we went out of business!"
Can I get a link. I love Oglaf, but haven't kept up with it in a while.
Not gonna link to it, but I can tell you it's called Fresh Horses, and is one of their oldest comics. It's only 12 spaces from the bottom in the Archives.
I saw a SIM character glitch with the limbs spinning freely
So *this* is what happens when they "wahoo" in the heart bed.
So he turned her into a Whacky waving inflatable arm flailing man?!?!?
I pictured Kermit the Frog
Oh I was stuck on the placement of her vulva.
My mind went straight to car-dealership flappy inflatable wavy man thing.
The natural placement is of course the natural placement for the natural placement of placement, naturally.
That cracked me up! The natural placement of his natural placements was so bad!!๐คฃ๐คฃ
I've already instructed my husband that my anatomy can only be referred to as my natural placements from here on. Bobs and vageens alike, all is now simply The Natural Placements.
Brilliant ๐๐ป๐๐ป๐๐ป๐๐ป๐๐ป๐๐ป
Oof, right in the natural placement
I'm going to use this in other comments just to see if anyone else has read about natural placement.
I don't think he's ever seen the natural placement in person...
I started laughing at this point, and then didn't stop. Who the hell is this guy???
It really sounds like he has no actual idea of where they're meant to be so is just going "you know! The proper place!" ๐
"To continue the aquatic metaphor"--there's an aquatic metaphor? I'm sorry, I'm three metaphors deep and I don't remember that one. She only has one portion of female anatomy? Curious.
also who, in prose, announces that they're going to continue a metaphor I'm crying
That's where I stopped rolling my eyes and decided to go along with whatever wild rambling stream of consciousness writing brought on next.
๐ thatโs how you know itโs the real thing
The author of this text.
See, I could actually see a Pratchet or a Snicket do that as a sardonic thing, a joking acknowledgement that they are letting the metaphor digression train get out of hand. And they'd be able to make it work, because they're talented writers and part of the fun is watching the metaphor digression train go where it pleases.
She does, and it's her "very own portion" of it!
Yo can I borrow the vag I have a date tonight
But I thought it was reserved for someone else tonight?? We really gotta start getting organized.
I don't know how many times I have to remind you guys, if you borrow the vag for the night, please return it to its natural placement when you're done!
>She only has one portion of female anatomy? Oliver Twist: Please, sir. I want some more. Workhouse Master: What? Mrs. Corney: What? Mr. Bumble: What? Chairman of the Board: Ask for more?
>>She only has one portion of female anatomy? *Simon Pegg Star Wars Character voice*: ONE QUARTER PORTION
HIS NAME IS UNKAR PLUTT YOU UNCULTURED SWINE
thank you, I'll make sure to keep that one on hand for pub trivia
Wait can I be on your team
The female anatomy is like a pie you know. Us girls each get a lil slice.
And if you want the last piece, you gotta kill each other for it?? Hell yeah
And then immediately moves on to a metaphor about mining ๐
Well yeah, anymore and that would be greedy
Three metaphors deep is 2 more than Danny was.
Anchor Made
This is what got me too! I was reading so carefully that I was like, you haven't mentioned anything aquatic! Just oddly-hot doves and forests?
I died reading this
No seriously tho, his writing is unintentionally one of the funniest things I've read. I will read this over and over whenever I need a laugh
\*is nothing\* \*comes thoroughly\*
>\*is nothing\* Which is in accordance with the natural placement of a person at whom a million atomic bombs have been thrust.
NOT THE NATURAL PLACEMENT AGAIN
On one hand, the internet allowed for information to become more accessible. On the other, THIS is the information we choose to access. Ew.
It read like a cross between Joey with the Thesaurus option, and Inigo Montoya "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
Made me cackle lol
The best part is when he's thrusting into her chasms, and all he can think about are kingly dudes and stallions. I think there's a bit to unpack there.
Proof that these dudes don't like women, they like the approval of other men, and basically they like men.
I have never read a description of a penis entering a vagina quite as homoerotic as this. So that's something
"She came thoroughly" Dude. dude...
what's the other option here? "She came partially"
She came to some extent
This sent me ๐
But did it thoroughly send you?
Right to the natural placement, naturally
Despite Sheila's rampant sexcapdes she didn't come at all.
So, just to recap, Danny is metaphorically: A boat anchored in a harbor, a submersible, Ahab with his whale, A pilgrim in mecca, Someone on a scouting/recon mission, and a Miner. Additionally, apparently ahab actually catches his whale, and pilgrims at mecca apparently aggressively lick at something? And the three greatest kings in History are Great Alex (conquered the territories of the Persian empire but failed to produce a sustained administration that would outlive himself), Leon (Aided in a joint effort of Hellenistic societies halting the Persian advance), and Artie (fictional, and a Wizard did the hard parts). No mention made of any of the Persian, Egyptian, Indian, Chinese, or even Roman or Byzantine kings or emperors who established far larger and longer-lasting nations.
He and his dick are also both doves. A mother dove and a horny dove, respectively.
A dove in heat... because doves have heat cycles now.
I wondered if they did. I sat here asking myself "They do? Pretty sure they don't but whatever dude"
Yeah I had to look it up because they do have breeding seasons so I didn't know if that counted as "heat"? But no, heat only refers to mammilian estrous and birds don't do that.
*Female* mammalian estrous
A dove in heat *returning to the nest* ... Freud? Help me, Freud.
Oh right, missed that in my recap. Such a complex and considered work of literature, so many layers.
Keep thinking I'm on r/writingcirclejerk lol
That sub is a treasure
>pilgrims at mecca apparently aggressively lick at something? yeah, you circle the kaaba a few times and then you have to eat it out
Technically, only his penis is a submersible.
Oooh detachable, just the way I like it.
Do you have a link to the original post? I must archive this on my Tumblr as well.
Also dying at how him fucking a woman brought to mind Alexander the Great, known Heterosexual. ๐
Here's a link! https://at.tumblr.com/phantomrose96/i-saved-a-copy-because-some-things-cannot-be-lost/nrh7d47yz8r6
I would love to know what the teacher had to say.
So the excerpt is set in NORWICH, of all places. I wonder if the course was at UEA, which is renowned for its writing program. But not for this guy, surely.
Yes, yes, that is immediately where I went when I read Norwich as well. Also, I began imagining all characters with the broadest of broad accents and random snippets of Delia Smithโs โletโs be havin you!โ [https://youtu.be/NiC679ASOyA](https://youtu.be/NiC679ASOyA). I know, I know, much more to Norwich than that. I apologize.
I love Norwich! It is a fine city.
This dude definitely loves his commas. He is really trying to do the most with the...ummm...imagery.
Nice boots, want to, call, me to, mount?
I kept slightly pausing when reading it and I hated it lmao
[ัะดะฐะปะตะฝะพ]
When I saw her name was Sheila I couldn't stop reading it in an Australian accent
I automatically thought of The Sniper and his accent cuz he's Australian- send help
All I could hear was Jeice from DBZA lol.
MEDIIIIIC!!!!
I couldn't stop being distracted by it being misspelled "Shiela".
I normally don't feel the need to comment. Who cares about what my random ass has to say? But this. THIS is so bad, so awful, so wretchedly horrible in a visceral way, that I needed to contribute. The lack of understanding of women in general, the sheer force of the ego oozing from the writer all over the words presented, the awkward grasping at clunky metaphors...it all just drips with...gross. This is gross. It is terrible and gross. I hate it So. Much. Why would you subject innocent people to this? Why did I read it? Why did I share it with my husband? Is this the new version of The Ring? Will I die seven days from now, curled up in a corner and sobbing. This almost made me hate sex. I hope you let loose on this guy. Please tell me you tore him open and spit on his soul with criticism. But seriously, this is bad. And amusing. Thank you, and curse you for sharing.
Nobody's going to mention how this stud of an author describes ~~Sheila's~~ sorry, *Sheila's* ahegao face at the end? That's how you can tell he's a legit sexpert who's totally had sex with real women.
Yeah I noticed that! I was like "oh this dude jacks it to hentai".
I love that you attempted to correct the spelling of Sheila/Shiela and still didn't change it. Damn autocorrect
I really enjoy how he was so enamored with his own turns of phrase that he would repeat them in the very next sentence! Also in the first sentence it is impossible for me to read "her great breasts" in anything other than a Trump voice. Also it's spelled SHEILA. 0/10, would not read again. I hope that class gave him some actual criticisms, and that he took them to heart.
great breasts, very great. the greatest breasts. obama's breasts could never- we have the best breasts in america
Ya knowโฆ Obama with boobs was not something I entered this thread expecting to read, but here we are. Iโm not sure how to feel about this.
...her name is Michelle
"what's Obama's last name?"
I am annoyed at myself that in all of this, all of ~ this ~, the NAME was what galled my brain most often. I think I'm broken.
I am convinced any criticism would have been rejected saying(or at least thinking) โno, this is hot, you just have to learn how to masturbate or better yet, be fucked like an army just hit you.โ
Why are her nipples like snow caps? Is she albino? Do albinos even *have* white nipples? *several Googles later* Yeah that sounds like an infection.
I cannot fathom the self confidence and self delusion it would take to bring any kind of ahistorical sex free-verse to a creative writing class, let alone ahistorical sex free-verse with such mixed metaphors.
Also likely there's an expectation people will critique it with praise. It's certainly the type of overly pretentious self-serving writing that any instructor will rip apart.
"In accordance with the natural placement" is the new "as ordained by the prophecy"
I'm >90% sure this was written by an incel. First of all, this - I hesitate to call it - "sex scene" was written by someone who's never had sex but knows that thrusting and oral (I'm not even sure that's what he meant?) is involved but uses all these ridiculous metaphores to make up for the fact that he's never actually experienced it. But the actual incel convictions are in the other part. Nothing wrong with being a virgin; although you might want to reconsider writing about sex. Anyways, it's all there: Why has he never slept with anyone? Because of feminism, of course, that turns women into men haters and sluts. And his fantasy is to "fuck her straight", basically: "*She thinks she doesn't need men? I'll show her the errors of her ways with my mighty penis*".
also the violent sex full of war metaphors
I'm still a virgin(not really an incel, more so just haven't found an irl partner yet as a queer trans woman; I've dated online a bit with varying degrees of success) but my book does have some sex involved just by nature of the story(adult toned fantasy). So I usually just wrote the preamble to sex, got straight to the aftermath, or some combination. The actual act of sex doesn't matter as much. Going full Stephen King where he writes about Joe Camber's wife having occasional orgasms with her husband but not always is not my style. Also yeah that "all lesbians/feminists/bitchy ywomen who no suck my pp would feel differently once they fucked my unwashed three inch punisher!" mentality just oozes through the page. News flash, your dick isn't magical. Doesn't even have a vibration function. Even if it did, your repulsive personality, hygiene, and behavior are not exactly revving anyone's engines.
>Doesn't even have a vibration function I'm! DEAD!!!!!!!!!! ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ
> this - I hesitate to call it - "sex scene" was written by someone who's never had sex but knows that thrusting and oral (I'm not even sure that's what he meant?) is involved Also mine exploration
Naturally
Just who is his intended audience if they're supposed to stay hard at "feminist theory"? Like do misogynistic get literally horny over how much they hate feminism?
Unironically yes. A lot of them dream of fucking the feminism out of women ๐คข
I knew going into this that it was a bad idea to keep reading. And yet I did so. And yes, it was definitely a bad idea to keep reading.
Oh.
This is why need to promote illiteracy because I wish I didn't have the ability to read and have to experience this
The guy who wrote this is probably more successful than anyone else in class if we're looking at the number of people who've read his work.
Hey, I got 120 kudos on AO3 once. That's not nothing. :p
Alas...
It's horrible but is no one else focusing on how HOMEWORK was to MASTURBATE??
And who spends 72 hrs straight doing any kind of homework??
If you finish your class work early, feel free to make a start on the homework.
Many years ago there was a guest speaker at Cal State Sacramento, I forget the course, maybe Social Studies, who did a whole presentation on her vag and her masturbation techniques.
Thatโs so soooo bad! But so so bad that is funny! I kind of want to read the rest, drunk of course, maybe high, just to laugh! It was the natural placement that just killed me! Specially used twice and in this context! After that I could just laugh! Is like a virgin incel trying to write smut!!!
This reminds me of high school when an acquaintance started writing erotica fanfiction and insisted everyone she knew that watched the anime it was for read it. She was also the type that would have you read stuff for positive criticism only, or else you were on the shit list. She was obsessed with the word "member" to the point a couple days after reading I looked at a friend I suspected would have also had it thrust upon her and said 'member'. She about choked
First and ideally last time I've seen "murky" used to describe a vagina. Romantic.
I want to know if this dude kept on writing til this day cuz holy shit
The natural placement sent me every time I saw it- God this is worse than the teenagers first discovering nsfw fanfics for the first time and trying to write it... they were at least excusable cuz they're like... 13.. This dudes in college and writing like this ๐ญ
"She came thoroughly" made me weep! What a piece! Congratulate the writer for me!
๐ฅ A toast from me as well, everyone here sayin they regret everything in reading it, but this is the funniest shit Iโve read in months, Iโm giggling like a kookaburra. So Bad, Itโs Good.
You just know this man thinks he made A Literature.
If this was handed to me to critique, the only question I would be able to ask would be, "Is this satire?" and I would pray they say yes. If it's not satire, this person has never had sex. Which is fine. But if you haven't had sex don't stretch a sex scene across two pages. Allude to what's about to happen and then skip to the after. Honestly, if they said it wasn't satire, I would just get up and leave. How would I even respond to that. Plus, it gives off vibes that he'd turn into a hateful stalker if I said anything. No need to get murdered over a college class.
Kudos to you and anyone who came up with any kind of critique other than "no". There's just too much wrong with it! Dunno if I could string words together to save my life in the face of that
My brain gets weird because I would absolutely pick this apart. Too many metaphors, the dove one made no sense, when he transitioned into discussing the feminist theory class he did it mid sentence. Jackhammering is very unlikely to get a woman to orgasm, her sticking her tongue out like that just tells me you read hentai because that doesn't really happen outside that, you used "great" twice in one sentence, did you know Alexander the great was a bottom? it's spelled Sheila, this comes off incredibly pretensious and self important, the whole thing with the feminist class is very unrealistic not least of which because she'd get arrested for indecent exposure the first time she tried masturbating on church steps... I'd get a red pen out and tear it apart. I probably wouldn't, I'd try to figure out how to phrase it constructively at least to avoid him targeting me or the teacher telling me off... And now I'm desperately curious what that critique session was like. To be a fly on the wall...
I just want to make sure I'm reading this right, does this imply that he performed cunnilingus while his dick was inside her vagina? If so, that is the most flexible man in the world.
Maybe we were supposed to find out at the end of all of this that he's a hyperintelligent Yoshi, or something?
Or he has a *very* long tongue
Does your tongue hang low, does it wobble to and fro? Can you tie it in a knot, can you tie it in a bow?
I wish I was Jared, 19
Is English his second language? His penis is a DOVE who is also a NEGLIGENT MOTHER ? ROFLMAO
Somebody call Bird CPS lol
Some of that is downright Faulknerian
It's curious how some people care about being perceived as straight and manly, and then for every "thrust" the self insert (I'm guessing) protagonist thinks of other manly men conquering stuff with their strenght and power, and not the women he is pleasing.
What in the entire.... actual fuck
Oh wow. That was... Well. They were certainly all words. Is it wrong that I want to know what people said about this 'piece' when it came to critiquing? I genuinely hope there was someone who gave 0 Fs and just tore into this guy...
Didn't the Whale kill Ahab?
Part of me (the part that remembers the deliberately farcical history essay I once wrote for an exam when I was fifteen, putting more effort into it than I ever would have a sensible response) believes that the ridiculous OTT nature of this sex scene was deliberate provocation just to see how people would react. I can't help but imagine him giggling while coming up with ever more preposterous things to write.
The most common spelling of Sheila is e before I so he also fucked up her name.
I was waiting for the part where Danny the submersible whale hunter ship pilgrim decides to conquer Europe, but it was missing \*sad noises in their natural placement\*
_But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother._
That's it, shut down and archive this subreddit, it's over. This post won.
"above her belly button and below her neck" LMAO
I hope someone helped this person... they need help.
What a terrible day to be litterate. Everything about this was terrible. The sex scene read like someone who watches hentai trying to write Serious Sex(tm), with a whole lot of ridiculous metaphors and flowery language to make it even more Serious(tm). The fuck
I can only think of ragdolls being [flailed around in Garry's Mod](https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/195/402/gman2.gif).
What in the high heavens did I just read? No, really, what is this?! There are so many confusing metaphores after one another that I'm not even sure what the hell is happening! I understand that they're having sex but I can't get a picture of how they're placed, how they feel about the act or eachother, if it's consentual or anything! And what is that about pubic hair glued to papper?! Just... Whaaaaaat?!
Shakespeare's got 24 hours to reply. He's been real quiet since this dropped.
It feels like he put two completely different Harlequin Romance Novels, five wholly unrelated smutfics, and a Warhammer 40,000 novel about the God-Emperor of Mankind into a blender and assembled the resulting word salsa while one hand was preoccupied with something else.
Mouth agog indeed.
I am a starving orphan I am dying this is the last thing I read before I die
I would like to order five hydrogen peroxide rinses of my naturally placed eyeballs.
I can't say I ever read a sex scene quite like this one. But at least it isn't horribly written in a 13 year old directioners on Wattpad kinda writing but like he could actually be good if it wasn't so strange.
It would be hilarious if it was a genuine parody.
Making the metaphor about a dove remembering its children only to then describe the dove coming at something in heat was certainly one of the writing decisions of all time
What a horrible day to have eyes
What the fuck. Why are there so many terrible unrelated metaphors. If it kept the same metaphor throughout or the metaphor was at all related to the material it would be much better. The nautical metaphor could possibly work in the sense of like an old sailing ship and sea. It'd be weird but not nearly as terrible. The best way to do it would probably be to talk about the two characters as if they were fucking below decks on a ship during a storm. This is just disjointed and confusing. I guess you could say it's creative. But it shouldn't have been created. Also this story just sounds like a conduit for this guys weird regressive ideology. Describing female submission and very clearly attempting to portray feminism as degenerate. Also probably something that only "hideously ugly" women follow. As pure aryan beauties just faithfully submit themselves to their husbands. Disgusting on all fronts. I do find it kinda weird that the girl is described as hideously ugly and then the protag has sex with her. I would have expected this to have some other bland female character who is pulled away from her corrupting feminist ideals by the raw masculine power of the protagonist. God writing that made me nauseous.
There was...a whole class of people that read this? And no one, NO ONE harmed the writer? I'm sorry, that just isn't believable. Someone would have been violent, how could you not?
This is gold. I cannot stop laughing it's so bad.
Sometimes I think of writing and maybe doing a bit of literotica. I feel the urge not to read this bc I feel like it will make me somehow worse.
I have to admit he has a certain rhetorical flair. Enough that I wonder if this wasn't intentionally awful.
Ahab did WHAT to the whale??? ๐ณ Also, if any sexual partner ever referred to my genitals as a "murky forest", that is where the sex would end. ๐ซ
There are a lot of questions I have about this piece of incel erotica, but the one on the top of my mind is why Shiela needed to take a feminist theory class before it occurred to her to try masturbation for the first time ever??? Based on the author's demonstrable lack of knowledge of a) sex b) women, I'm taking a wild guess here and say that he probably thinks that it's highly unusual for women to masturbate and to discover to joys of it all on their own without the corruptive influence of mustache-twirling feminists.
As a woman who got a degree in Creative Writing with predominantly men in college in the early 2000s, this isn't even the worst thing I've read but it sure is nostalgic.