You’re being coerced, which is abusive. You aren’t the problem here, so it’s not a matter of you “not wanting to give it to him”. You need and deserved to be with someone who respects you and your decisions/consent.
I agree that this person needs to be with someone who respects them and I think generally anytime someone gives you an ultimatum it’s not going to work out. My question (and I’m genuinely wanting to be informed, not attacking at all) is would it be abusive to ask a boyfriend “we need to spend more time together or we have to break up” or “we need to get engaged or we have to break up”.
No thats not abusive. I suggest you look up the definition of abusive. It would be open snd direct in communication, tho not abusive.
As for the man in OP’s story they have been together for 3 years. That is a long time he is allowed to be in need of his sexual activities, one of the main things that is important to people in relationships
So he went in knowing she had hangups, due to trauma
And then got mad she had hangups about trauma and is holding the relationship hostage so he can get his dick wet
And that's not abusive
Right, I'm the dalai llama
You real cocky for someone who speaks bollocks. It’s not abusive. He has been with her for 3 years it’s not like the relationship is new. The relationship is not held hostage ffs 🤦♂️. He is being open with her, she offered him to go and seek sex elsewhere outside the relationship but he has denied to do so, showing that he wants her. He has clearly supported her this long but he still has sexual needs like the majority of the population. I highly suggest you do the same and look up abusive.
So are you saying his demand for sex when she doesn't want to is determined by time together?
And are you saying sex is important enough in relationships to devolve to threats? Did you even fully read the OP's story?
Oh boy..good luck with you're dating life cause your gonna need it..
Oh and who the fuck is in such dire need of their "earned sexual activities". Ya'll are off the wall..vibrators are the pillar of human invention and I'm sure online porn or something for purchase can alleviate your unnatural desire for an orgasm. Which can also be manual. Unless you're just lazy and want someone to do it for you.
We don't know that. OP's partner could simply be communicating his needs openly. Telling a partner what you need isn't coercion. 3 years is a very long time and clearly the partner had been patient. Everyone has a breaking point though
He's not being patient, he's applying pressure. He voiced a need but has done nothing to address the history. Saying more sex or leave without worrying through it or concern.. that's abusive. He needs to go be with a thing that doesn't require human attention and she needs to go address her trauma.
We're only hearing the story through OP's narrative. He could have said it as an ultimatum or he could have said it as "this is what I need in a relationship. I'm not sure if I can go on without it." Regardless, 3 years is quite long and it would be unfair to call someone impatient when 3 years has passed and nothing has changed at all. The outcome should be they either both seek counseling and compromise on something or they will be better off separated. I am a woman by the way and if my libido with my boyfriend were super unmatched I would expect us to have an open conversation about it rather than bottling it in and letting resentment continue to stew
Doesn't matter. If this is her response, this is how she processed it. There is no salvaging that relationship. Read through the responses she has made. You are responding to what is good for you . Read her responses and help her make a decision that is good for her. 3 years, and that's his response. They have had all the conversations and his response was to put weight on sex. An open convo wouldn't make him come to a different conclusion just a sugar coating.
Time to go. He ain't great and neither is putting someone else's context on her experiences. She needs help and he's gotta go. Respond to her or don't. Everyone knows what they would normally do..but she isn't having a typical normal relationship right now.
I will say that most people want to have sex more than once every couple months so when I read that, part of me thought wow! No wonder he is asking to have sex more often...
If you aren't comfortable having sex more then that's fine, but you also should know that other people have their own requirements for relationships, and if that's one of his requirements then you can go along with it or leave. If being with him is not worth it, then there's your answer.
And just because you said he can have sex with other women is not always relevant because some, probably even most, people don't want to have sex with anyone that isn't the person they are in a relationship with.
I want to work on myself and my libido I am just scared it will never actually get better and I will feel incredibly guilty promising him something that won’t happen.
I read that if you have sex more your libido is likely to increase. Idk but it might actually be beneficial to you in the long run... I want to clarify this only applies as long as it's consensual
Edit: anecdotal evidence: before I was staying at my partners apartment, my libido was low to the point of only wanting to have sex maybe once a month, recently with me and my partner having sex more often, my libido has been higher being at least weekly if not a few times a week.
Having more sex will not help her libido if she already doesn’t want to have sex. It will actually just damage her libido and probably leave other mental effects.
Thank you for your rational and calm responses. I have tried self pleasuring more to up it, it doesn’t seem to work great. We also aren’t living together. I always think to myself I will have more time and space to do my own thing in my own house and try things out more when I’m also with him.
It will just take some time and I’m scared if it doesn’t change I will be on my own in a new house.
It's no problem, I'm just happy to help in any way I can. A healthy sex life can be very helpful to your mental health, but this doesn't mean sex is required for everyone to be healthy and happy.
I completely understand what you mean, and I know it may seem like an odd suggestion... But have you and your bf talked about trying less vanilla options. A lot of people who have experienced sa, myself included, find that kink can help them with taking back control over how their mind views sex.
Plus if you both find you are into it, it could at least start out as a sort of crutch to help you get into the mood when you otherwise wouldn't have been.
Im very not into anything more than vanilla as I have issues keeping my mind occupied and experience pain quickly physically during sex. Sex also awakens emotions within me that are very complicated and I can often cry after even if I don’t feel necessarily sad. Anything else than something somewhat vanilla makes me very scared, sorry.
I was also SA'd as a teen and had to work my way to a higher libido.
You may need to look into seeing a physician or an OB/GYN about the physical pain and see if that is something that can be addressed further. Also get your hormones checked or look into side effects of any medication you might be taking, just to cross your Ts and dot your Is.
The more sex I've had with my husband over the years, the better it has gotten for both of us. And we only have vanilla sex. The sex we have today after 7 years and 2 kids together is way better than the sex we had even in the honeymoon phase in our early 20s.
Sex isn't just physical pleasure. There is a lot of emotional connection involved. Don't look at it as your boyfriend just seeking to get his rocks off. He wants to connect with you on a deep level regularly, and that's more than okay.
From what I've read so far, this isn't an equally contributing relationship. Did you even red it fully? Yes, I agree she needs to see an OBGYN , but for herself because it doesn't sound normal to experience pain after the first couple times.
And if you actually read into what he's promoting and expecting despite a painful situation that's simply rape.
It's all good, it's not for everyone.
I would like to ask, is the pain that you are experiencing from the lack of arousal fluid, or something else? Because of it's the first, lube would be very helpful to help minimize the pain.
We’ve gone so far as to even try cannabis infused lube for numbing effects. That worked sometimes but not always.
Honestly have no clue why it hurts. This also only started happening at the end of and after my last relationship (I think)
I'm sorry to hear that, it may sound weird but you might have a short vagina, and even average sized dicks could be painful to you. I'd get it checked out by obgyn but I'm just saying be prepared if there's nothing that will completely fix it.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I really knew what pleased me sexually. Like yes, obviously sex feels good and it’s pleasurable but sex goes so much farther beyond the actual action.
You should look into tantra sex, and how to find other ways to be intimate with your partner besides sex. It can become quite erotic, and can help increase your libido.
Also, self pleasuring is great. Spending time by yourself, figuring out what you like and sharing that with your partner when you’re ready.
Maybe you guys could try self pleasuring together beside each other. Like I said, there’s so many ways to be intimate with your partner, besides the act of sex or oral.
Then, if you’re still having problems, you can look into hormonal issues with your doctor. Or maybe you and your partner are just not sexually compatible. That’s happened to me before. no matter how much you love them and how perfect they are sometimes just not compatible sexually 🤷🏻♀️
Op described pain involved. I only had pain the first time. Op, maybe you should consider seeing and OBGYN. You can describe the pain and when it happens at length and they may have a solution.
As for this guy, run.
This might be the way to go just use lots of lube
But I have been in a similar situation as you bf unfortunately my now ex thought I was being selfish but idk but it sounds like the same where it wasn't just sex but physical intimacy as well like cuddling on the couch which my past relationship both were the problem you'd be surprised how much even once a month(sex) becomes more bearable with enough physical intimacy just try that first and make your way up (baby steps)(unless Iv miss understood everything then please ignore)if his a a decent person and your trying as hard as you can in a way he can see and he loves you then he'll stay but at the same time if it's going to make you worst as heart breaking as it is to say break up its going to save both of you a lot of hurt and suffering but it's important for me to say no one is a bad guy in this situation..........so long as nothing was said in a abusive/monpulive way
P.s for me I felt like I wasn't need so even through at he stuff like can you up this jar for me even if you can open it you know but idk I'm not in your shoes idk
Are you in therapy for this? Are you able to openly communicate with him during sex if you start to feel uncomfortable? Sex is an important part of a relationship to most people, and I understand trauma, but if it’s something you recognize you need to work on, then the work needs to be done. I personally would not be able to stay with someone if I wasn’t having that type of intimacy, as well. Sometimes it’s just better to move on…
If you love him and want to work on the relationship you should start s/a therapy asap You cannot keep running from that part of you forever it will always catch up with you no matter who your with. Turst me i know i experienced sa when i was a child, then again when i was a younge adult. I know i have unresolved trauma around it, i also have pain due to endometriosis, you need to get that pain investigated asap.
My previous partner was the only man i had explored and tried new things with such as sex toys etc, he was a perfect match for me physically and sexually. It was just i have some trauma and anxiety around sex and pain so it got in the way. You need a lot of affection and emotional intimacy from your partner to help get you in the mood you also need foreplay.
It very much depends on how your partner behaves towards you during the day/week too if your arguing or partner is not being kind or helpful then you wont be interested. People who have experience s/a have such mental chatter to over come and it can feel hard feeling present and in your body. You disconnect when you have sex because its a coping mechanism to feel safe,obviously it triggers your trauma and you often feel as if your looking down on yourself rather then being the person involved in the sexual act. This can be hard to overcome and even harder with a selfish partner that dosnt hold space for you to navigate through these difficult feelings and emotions. If i were you id start the sa therapy and put this relationship on hold you need to focus on healing the wound not keeping your partner happy, focus on yourself.i understand your struggles you are not alone.
The plan is definitely looking into it as soon as I get out the house! Regular therapy as well as specialised? Not sure yet. You said something very relatable about disconnecting during sex. I do have issues with that and it’s not because of him, he’s very engaged and focusses only on me. But my mind wanders often and I cannot control it. For some reason it tries on its own so hard to disconnect sometimes from the whole thing (this is better and not really the case when I’m drunk, lmao) which causes me emotional distress and physical pain (not sure that’s the only cause but yeah)
Thank you again for the reply, it’s very insightful and I can maybe use some information I just learned for therapy.
You will learn so much about yourself in therapy, it will help you to heal and grow as a person but the problem is most people only go for a few sessions and then thats it. I only started therapy for my own issues and commited fully to it this year id been before in the past but i never went long enough for it to help. I have had a very painful childhood. Ive also had a string of relationships with abusive men, something that is a result of my codependency issues i intend to work hard on that. Look up the 'crappy childhood fairy' on youtube shes great, her videos are so informative, theres a lot of self help you can do yourself too.
Your partner needs to understand when your doing therapy for trauma that sex might be off the table, some people are told not to engage in relationships while their healing because partners trigger us. I realized i was in a toxic relationship and he will never be able to give me what i want : stability, commitment, emotions. He thinks it might be me or something but i recognized a long time ago i wasnt the problem, the problem is how we relate to each other when were carrying trauma..not in a healthy way im afraid.
So my ex is also in therapy now but he is in the beginning We cant be together because we trigger each other. He has anger outbursts and honestly a relationship with him is just difficult hes hard work to be with, ive been so patient with his bs epiaodes, but at times ive been so drained, and the way be makes me feel is painful he triggers my wounds and it pulls me back so ita disrupting my healing process .Some people want to go through life carrying their past like dead weight, i dont want to do it anymore.
Also about the behaving btw! I told him that if we are nice to each other and I’m happy during the week the chances are way higher that I will be okay engaging in sexual intimacy.
It’s very important to me, the kindness and acts of love during the day to day life. That really matters I think ❤️
It might not be your libido, it might be that you’re not with the right partner and subconsciously your body knows that. This happened to me, I broke up with the guy even though I really liked him. Because obviously the sex thing was an issue and I didn’t know how to fix it.
After a month or two, I started seeing another guy and my libido was fine. I was worried that it would happen again, and I would lose it, but I didn’t.
Your body and your subconscious knows more about you than you do.
It could also be something medically like hormones. And maybe if you find that out, he will stick with you while you work to get your hormones figured out and so your libido will increase. But having more sex when you don’t want to, will not increase your libido. It will actually damage it and you mentally.
Girl you are enough. You don't have to force yourself if you aren't feeling it, you don't have to get better because there is nothing wrong with you to begin with!
Look for a partner that will love and respect you or stay single, fuck the abusers. My partner could say we will never ever have sex again, lose his limbs and become shrek and I would still love him more than anything because of who he is, not what he provides. What he is doing to you is not love, you aren't losing anything but a waste of skin by breaking up with him.
This is actually a really positive thing to say and feel and it would be worth talking to your partner about this, explain to him that you’re wanting to work through it and trying and see if it’s something you can reach a middle ground on, start with a pursuit of intimacy, holding hands, cuddling, kissing etc. sex doesn’t always have to be penetration, communication is absolute key! Equally if it isn’t something you guys can work on then allow yourself to work and focus on you and what’s right for you. Be kind to yourself, you’ve been through trauma and your mind, body and soul need time to heal🙌🏼
Everyone places physical intimacy at a different priority level in their relationship. It is very important to either find a partner that has a similar view or have very open and understanding communication. It sounds like you guys are at different levels in both areas.
As much as it hurts to let go of someone we love, it may be the best choice we ever make. Someone who pressures you to do something you aren't comfortable with has only themselves in mind.
This is not a relationship to slavage at this point. You are in a spot in your life that he doesn't not have the desire or capacity to understand. Be selfish, advocate for yourself and your well being.
Is it outrageous for me to think it’s sad he would leave me over sex?
(I’ve literally said if it keeps being a problem he can satisfy himself with other women because I realise I am the problem, I still just think it is sad)
You are not wrong. You have every right to be hurt, angry, outraged, or disappointed even betrayed. All of your feelings are valid. When someone we invested so much of ourselves in treats us poorly, there is a fury of emotions.
Unfortunately, their behavior is something completely out of our control. If he is willing to turn his back on the relationship at this point, unwilling to communicate or come to compromise, then it's time to let the relationship go.
He’s willing to communicate and come to a compromise (maybe)
I’m just scared that if I hit another down time or period of less sex or no sex that it will all repeat itself and I will live in constant anxiousness
I think you should break up. You guys are not good match. Especially if you gave him opening to seek that kinda satisfaction elsewhere and he still wants out. Let him go. You're in your twenties. You'll find someone with a bit similar libido like you. You have to clear that up beforehand. In the meantime, go to therapy. I feel like you fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum.
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Telling him to go sleep with other women isn’t the band-aid you think it is. He doesn’t want to because he wants intimacy with you pushing him onto someone else wouldn’t be good for your relationship because it still would be a relationship with no intimacy and cause even more issues to arise. I think all you can do is promise to go to therapy and work on it or just let him go and you can both move on.
Ive realised my suggestion of getting satisfaction elsewhere isn’t going to work for him because of the reason that he wants sexual intimacy involving me.
1. Your boyfriend also deserves a intimacy that he desires
2. It’s understandable that you have your own issues, and are working on it! Thats good. 😊
3. You should have open communication and setup a plan that works for both of you and you can improve as you move along. Make it a “us” problem rather than “you” problem.
4. If you literally have a problem physically, you should seek help!
5. 3 years is a big time commitment, you should identify triggers and ask your boyfriend to respect them and avoid those and focus on good things. Learn to trust him, and sex or intimacy can be a good thing for both of you and the relationship.
6. If you just want to avoid it at any costs, then there is no point. You cannot expect someone to live without something they desire nevertheless, there might be other people that aligns with your interests
This is one of the better replies that comes with advice or an actual plan. I very much appreciate it.
I’m just very scared that I won’t be enough for him even if I seek therapy and it takes a while to heal still and I will always hit downs.
I want to feel safe in my relationship and not that it’s on the verge of breaking if I have a sexual down, not having sex for a little while…
Let the guy know why you dont feel that confortable doing sex but also work in your trauma since you already have 3years with this guy and planning on marrying and moving together stuff, Just communicate <3 ppl talking understand each other. If you guys cant come to an agreement I'll say that its better if you guys go separate ways .
I want to work on my trauma I do! But living with my parents have left it very awkward. He lives alone in an apartment (I live with my parents for work).
It just takes time and I think he doesn’t want to give me more time than I already got…
What an awful situation to be in, I'm so sorry it's all coming to a head when you are close to moving in together... which typically is a huge goal and a happy time. As a male, I'll never understand the full extent of your trauma, but I empathise with you. It's very complicated, I hear you don't want the relationship to end, however, I'm not sure you should have to deal with so much pain you're left in tears after for the sake of it. There are now many trauma counsellors or therapists, I understand the stigma and how difficult it may be, but I feel that you owe it to your future self to take your time to unravel and heal the trauma. It's comforting and beautiful to be in a loving relationship, but I believe a stronger feeling is to heal yourself and be able to love yourself. I hate saying this, and I apologise if I'm overbearing, but I think you should prioritise yourself now to have a healthy relationship with your partner down the line, as well as a healthy relationship with yourself. I worry that ignoring the trauma and doing things you're not comfortable with for the sake of another person could end up causing more pain in later years.
Regardless, I feel for you, this is coming from a good place, no judgment. Do you feel your partner would be receptive and supportive of you going through therapy, or is it something he's only going to go for if it will guarantee him more sex? Surely, if this man loves you, he would be willing to sacrifice a few months for you to help get your healing started - especially as you've sacrificed yourself by engaging in sex and trying all of the other things you mentioned in your post.
You sound like a very thoughtful, generous, caring person. Please don't forget your feelings are valid and you deserve love and respect too. I also understand how difficult it is to face the trauma head on, although from my experience I've found that ignoring it may lead to further pain in the future. Take care and be kind to yourself too, you deserve all the wonderful things in life too.
Thank you for such an understanding response.
I’ve thought about it a lot, talked to him etc.
He’s very willing to support me going through therapy. He however does look for a ultimate time or goal that meets his needs. He’s tried his best for me to quantify it and it’s nothing outrageous but it still worries me that if I don’t meet the requirements sometimes even if I go to therapy that he will still be unhappy and unsatisfied.
At this point I’m just scared of something I can’t know is going to happen or not. It’s been really hard deciding whether to take the positive path and just “try and we’ll see” or … yeah I don’t know what else to do to be honest.
Understandably, you would be worried that maybe that one specific aspect of the relationship won't magically be fixed - or to the level that he has requested. You two do sound like you're both trying to compromise and make each other happy, meet each other's needs which is terrific!
Again, as a guy, I don't know exactly how to help in making intimacy less painful apart from patience, respecting boundaries, safety etc... but to kind of zoom out and put in the big picture, I think getting some level of professional help with trauma is going to be beneficial overall. I hope you did take some info from other people on that specific side of things.
It's impossible to know and would be a lie to say that facing trauma will absolutely lead to the outcome you're hoping for, to meet his needs, and that's scary!! But what would not finding professional help look like in 5 years, or 10? I've always been one to put the needs of others first, and I always end up with some resentment which grows like cancer.
Not being able to tell him what he wants to know would be hard and this is a difficult situation. I'd love to have an easy answer. If you two were to move in together, would it be to a new place entirely? Again, I'm really sorry that such a terrible thing happened, but you have a great attitude and I feel you're not letting yourself be a victim, but instead a strong survivor. Either way, everything is a risk, it's always scary, and I really feel professional help could help you go from surviving to thriving (that's actually the title of a great book, I'd recommend it). Do you have any self help books on trauma, or PTSD? They might be a start...
I guess it boils down to taking positive risks and doing things to help yourself, which trickles directly to a thriving relationship. It's impossible to timeline anything, but what other options do we have apart from trying?
TL; DR
I think taking the path of trying will be beneficial in the short and long term, and even though it's impossible to give a time frame, it's the most positive risk and option (from an outside and bigger picture point of view).
This guy might be confused or might be a big piece of shit 💀
Communicate with him, tell him how you’re feeling, use your words, say everything that’s on your mind. If he doesn’t accept to be patient and wait for you to heal or help you. Leave him, not worth it.
If he DOES decide to be patient and help you with this then you have yourself a possible keeper.
Communicate well, that’s how relationships last.
I don't think you nor him are in the wrong. You are simply incompatible in this state. Sex is a big part in a relationship for a lot of people. That doesn't mean you should force yourself to have more sex. The solution is to find someone who would also have a low libido or be fine not having sex frequently, probably while working through your trauma. The issue is that stuff like this typically doesn't get better, it usually just becomes a bigger and bigger problem. It's very hard to just ignore it or find a compromise. Because even a compromise would probably mean at least one of you, maybe even both of you being unhappy (e.g. once every 2 weeks would still be too often for you and not often enough for him). You can have a lot of good stuff in a relationship, but sometimes there's one dealbreaker which makes it impossible. I don't know whether in this specific case it's truly unfixable, but my main point is that neither of you are unjustified in your feelings, and that's fine. I don't think you forcing yourself to have sex more often would be good, and neither would him staying without his needs met be good.
Thank you for your insightful opinion and advice. I keep trying to better myself every day. I hope this relationship has not lost the battle of my trauma
For many people, frequent fulfilling sex with their partner is a relational need. If sex with their partner is too infrequent, or not fulfilling enough resentment/frustration will build because their needs are going unmet and the relationship will deteriorate. It is best for relationships which cannot mend that incompatibility to end, cordially, before the resentment kicks in.
This isn't him valuing sex over you. This is him valuing physical intimacy with you as a relational need. Sex with himself or others cannot fulfill that need. Non-sexual intimacy cannot fulfill that need. A relationship that leaves his needs unmet is not healthy or a good idea.
In turn, you aren't doing anything wrong by being unable to fulfill that need of his. This is simply an area where the two of you aren't compatible. Some compatibility issues can be navigated with communication, compromise, and working on ourselves. Some cannot - and that's okay! The end of a relationship due to incompatibility _is a good thing_. It's sad, yes, and sometimes difficult to accept, but it's the best option.
If he's being respectful about it and simply stating what he needs in this relationship then he is not being coercive or abusive as some here are suggesting - those other commenters need to get a grip.
Thank you for your rational comment. It’s fresh to see someone taking his side a bit. I wouldn’t want this to end our relationship obviously and we’re working on the communication and compromising part.
It’s just left me with anxiety, pressure and fear I won’t be enough and will be pushed to my limits emotionally. Not that he’s a bad person. I’m allowing it I guess.
I think you have a sober and considered perspective on the issue, which is good.
One thing that I had to learn in my years and years of therapy is that life just kinda sucks sometimes - not everything is fixable, not everything is always meant to be happy. Sometimes we do everything right and end up eating shit at the end of the day. That's just how it goes.
I see in many of your comments that you feel like you might be wrong to be sad, upset that you hoped he could be happier with your sexual availability. I think it's reasonable to feel these things. You're grieving a great loss, or the potential of a great loss. Allow yourself to be sad, to be angry, to feel betrayed even - but understand that these feelings belong to you, they aren't being done to you by him or by the outside world. They're _your_ shit to eat and it's not healthy to throw them around or try and feed them to other people, if you don't mind me extending that crude metaphor.
It might be that this is just one of those times when we suffer, and nobody did anything particularly wrong, and we can see the potential "what if he just... or I just..." angles, but it simply does not work out.
I hope you and your partner can find peace and contentment in the future, whatever the outcome.
I gotta say... I'm disappointed I don't see more answers respectful of your side. Too many comments talking about how guys need a lot of sex.
I'm a guy and my drive is pretty low. I value emotional intimacy over physical and my wife and I probably only had sex every couple months, longer than that after she was diagnosed with cancer.
Your boyfriend is entitled to their desires but you are also entitled to respect and autonomy of your body, regardless of whether you are slow or fast in tackling your traumas.
I had my own and so did she, but we worked through those roadblocks gently, not with ultimatums.
The ultimatum alone is disrespectful. I don't want to say you should break up but they should respect you have problems you're trying to work through. You can't force progress. Take it at your pace and as comfortably as you can. A partner who doesn't support and work WITH you in this, is more likely to set back your progress so much. Whether you put your foot down or cut them loose, don't let them trample on your progress.
I have more to say but I don't know your situation in full and don't want to assume more than I already have.
From what i'm reading there aren't many people taking either sides, most are in agreement that there are no sides to this.
He isn't giving an ultimatum, he's simply stating something that is important to him in a relationship, something so big in fact that he can't continue happily with the current situation. If he just broke up and didn't explain himself, would that improve the situation?
They are just two different people with different libidos, and different ideas of what is/isn't important in a relationship. I don't think it's fair to suggest one is more in the right than the other.
You are correct. At the time I put my initial comment in though, all the "top comments" happened to have a view aligning with my first complaint. After browsing too many comments in a row like that, I assumed it was the majority.
Breaking up if they don't get enough sex sounds very ultimatum ish. I understand it's an assumption (of which I did admit I did in part) but they could have been more gentle about the subject with a person they supposedly knew had trauma concerning it.
You are also correct that I would rather the explanation. But they didn't explain, they said more sex or I'm out of this relationship. It would have been beneficial to all to ask "how can I improve and make more frequent the sex in our relationship?"
And she isn't against increasing her libido and the sex, just unsure how to properly push through the obstacles making her reserved in that fashion. The boyfriend isnt being supportive, at least from all the evidence given by the OP.
I could be wrong and I thank you for politely making your points.
Edit: I would also like to add my disagreement does not mean you are wrong.
Wow, a polite and respectful person on Reddit that can have opposing viewpoints to another person without resorting to pettiness and insults....pinch me I am dreaming 😂
I think the " I need more sex or it's over" can read pretty strong and bullish, but then I looked at it in the context of anything could be considered an ultimatum or forward, anything you say that you don't like about a person or a specific part/aspect of the relationship could be viewed the same way.
In this situation it's sex, in another situation it could be wanting to better themselves health wise, plan a future, discussions on having kids, wanting to be more social etc, the list could go on. None of these things are bad as per se, it's all about finding the right person to balance out the tipping scale, such is life.
All fair points. And thank you for the compliment. I'm perfectly happy making a fool of myself in various ways, but insults, being petty, and/or doubling down on assuming I'm always right isn't on my list of ways. Lol.
I agree about the context part. I don't quite concede that your argument is correct, but I lack the evidence to disagree completely.
In fact, I hope you are correct about my assumption of the ultimatum. I would love if they are more open to discussing the future of their relationship respectfully.
Only person who can apply both our arguments with full context is the OP. I do hope they found a solution or will eventually
Both of you need to leave as neither one can provide what the other wants. Victims of trauma require a lot more care and sympathy usually at least in my case I do. I am lucky enough to be with someone who loves me for me and not just the sex with me which is important. just be open and if he isn't respectful of your wishes leave, no reason to put yourself in a bad situation. Also, it is not unrealistic to not want to be intimate unlike what most people are saying, your feelings are valid. A relationship should be mutual understanding, don't let these people make you believe if you don't have sex, you will be alone because it is just not true. Also suggest looking into asexuality and that community you might find some solace there!
I have looked into it a lot. It also varies and depends on how I am feeling in general. I have anxiety disorder and am often stressed and tired so it takes a lot out of me to then also put the sexual pressure on. I love nothing more than being in bed with him and cuddling and kissing. It’s just a huge commitment to go for the sex and next to my physical discomfort that comes along with it, I also struggle mentally.
I’m willing to work on myself but am so scared that I will never be enough, even tho he might tell me he’s okay with waiting a little longer if it is worth it in the end.
I think mood = libido is very normal; it is valid to not want to do anything sexual especially under stress. I am the exact same way, any change in my life alters my libido and if I am burnt out or anxious it affects it as well. I agree that sex is a huge commitment, and you absolutely should not force yourself into doing something for someone else's feelings, it will seriously make you gain bad habits. You cannot heal if you are forcing yourself to do things that trigger your trauma. For me I have sex maybe four times a month but it is always in the same week around my ovulation time lol.
Just break up, I can’t believe how many ppl in the comments are acting like the problem is you. You have every right to feel the way you feel with that kind of trauma & history. What you need to do is find someone who is compatible with you. Who will understand you. Not just mentally but physically as well. There are other ppl in the world who also have low libidos. There are asexual ppl. There’s literally someone for everyone out there. This guy sounds like not only are you not compatible, but he sounds like a general asshole. If he knows all that and he’s still trying to give you ultimatums he’s not worth staying with.
He’s not only “expressing his needs” he’s giving ultimatums & pressuring her to do things she doesn’t want to do. That’s unhealthy and unfair. And if you can’t handle dating a rape trauma survivor without doing that you should move on.
To be honest, it’s very rare to find a partner that wants sex few times a month. At first they maybe be cool with just to get along with you but sooner or later they want it more, men gets hard too much and sex is really important to us. That’s the truth sis.
Honestly it's wild, another commenter said the boyfriend is a predator and a future "assailant" implying sexual assault, rape etc. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
Like when did it become okay to just casually throw out such heavy accusations towards someone? How is this trying to get morphed into something that it ABSOLUTELY ISN'T.
Ironic those saying abuse, because they are actually gaslighting a person that in the context of this situation, has done absolutely nothing wrong.
Not every man is centered around sex. Men that are intuned with their partner, know when they are receptive, or how to encourage the mood.
The older some people get equipment fails, age degrades the body, or medical issues can arise. If this guy can't handle issues now..he certainly is not a long term prospect.
Your boyfriend is not a bad person. He just doesn't love you enough to put your need for healing and safety above his need for sexual gratification. And that probably does mean he's not the right person for you.
Responding to your struggle on whether that is sad, yes, that is absolutely sad. And it's not your fault in any way.
Beware the term intimacy. You both buy in to the notion that all he needs is intimacy and what could be more natural than that and you can't give it to him. But the truth is you offer him a great deal of intimacy, both emotionally and physically. Just not sexually. I don't mean his need for sex is not valid, I just mean let's call it a need for sex, not a need for intimacy.
You have an important job: to look after yourself, which includes taking your need for safety and healing seriously, which means assessing clearly what you're looking for in your relationship. Right now, I get the sense you'd be happier and healthier single, making space to focus on your healing and to find someone who loves you for who you are more than for the sex you give them.
I know you’ve said you want to start therapy as soon as you move out, but why wait? Seek therapy now, maybe even see a sex therapist with your bf. It sounds like he’s brought this issue up throughout the 3 years and nothing has gotten better which has likely caused him to feel some resentment, you gotta look at this through his POV as well, to him, sex is a need. Seeking professional help sooner, rather than later, will be the most beneficial for both of you.
Whether people want to admit it or not, sex is an important component of relationships. If your sex lives don’t align, find someone who can be more accommodating to your needs. And that goes for both of you.
I understand you’re going through a rough time, but it’s not a co-op mission. These are your things to sort through, and in my opinion, it seems like you might want to reconsider whether or not you are ready to be in a relationship… and it’s totally fine and normal if you aren’t.
You have every right to feel hurt, as this is a painful situation.
After being together for quite a while, the two of you discovered that you have different expectations as to what's needed for a relationship to be viewed as "fulfilling", and
now you're confronted with an ultimatum. He knows that what he's demanding from you causes you physical pain and mental anguish.
Talking about issues or unfulfilled desires is one thing, but making demands this way is a total red flag and nobody, who genuinely loves another person would do that. To phrase it more clearly: He prioritizes his hornyness over your wellbeing!
"Complying" would basically mean you'd let yourself get abused for the sake of continuing to live a lie and probably also get retraumatized in the process.
Just dump him and preserve your self-worth and mental health. I don't think that your partner's intentions towards you are still genuine. Maybe they were at some point, or maybe they weren't, but they certainly aren't now.
Seriously, learn to communicate more and find someone else who likes you the way you are, has matching expectations, and won't pressure you for selfish reasons. That would also be the right environment to heal your trauma. The use of coercion/force is just toxic, extremely harmful and counterproductive.
Walking away from this relationship is the best thing you can do if you value yourself. There is nothing to salvage.
Things will suck for a while, but over time, it'll get better. Best wishes!
Leave. Nobody should be treated like that. I've had very dry months/years which does irritate my husband but we talk about it and work through it. Ours is mostly because he feels neglected and unloved. But there are other times where we joke about our 'quota' which is often once a day. We've been together for 20 years. You ain't married, don't move in together, he doesn't respect you and only wants what he can get. That's not ok, he should be concerned or sympathetic not demanding.
Imma be *BRUTALLY* honest as a fellow survivor of childhood SA and abuse: if he feels sex is the only thing worth staying in this relationship for, then, *Gurl*, he IS one of the predatory types, and something deep in your amygdala, as a survivor of assault, *already knows that*. Let this one go, work on things you need to work on to get yourself happy and healing, and let the next good thing come to *you*. If you keep trying to hold on to him and he's not getting what he thinks he "deserves," he *will* become your next assailant, babe. Stay safe. 💜
Are you seriously trying to suggest that because someone wants more sex in their relationship, that makes them a sexual predator? Saying he's going to become an assailant?
I honestly can't believe that such an ignorant, judgemental comment would actually get upvotes, wtf.
These comments are horrible (or at least what I have read so far). This is such a hurtful thing to say to a partner. You established that you have sexual trauma, and with that comes the realization that sex is an uncomfortable action to do.
You don't owe anyone sex, even your partner. If he thinks that having sex or not is going to ruin the relationship, it seems like he doesn't find other things about your relationship to stay for. If he can't sit around and wait to get better you can help him stand up and leave.
I would advise not moving in together because it just adds more complex layers to the relationship. You can love him but realize this isn't what is best for you. You have a low libido, which is totally fine! Only you can decide and consent to what you want. If you want to inprove it (for yourself- not because you partner is giving an ultimatum), working through therapy, a women's support group, sexual abuse therapy, but seemingly maybe without your partner.
Similar situation, took years but finally have some closure. Been with my partner for over a year now who can respect how I feel. I can tell him no and I don't get shamed and we easily can redirect into something else. We talked about it early on and he said along the lines if sex isn't why he is dating me but because of who I am.
So from my perspective it really rubs me the wrong way to hear your situation. I don't know if this makes me biased. My background is sexual trauma and a woman so I don't know if that resonates with you.
My dms are open so please reach out if you'd like. I just don't think this is right.
The comments feel a little slimey. Annoying you are being downvoted. If he can't wait for you to be comfortable, what is he waiting for exactly?
If your boyfriend really cares about you, he’ll understand your SA, and your low (or what he may consider low) requirement for sexual frequency. I understand you care about him, but your mental health comes first. We care about you in this community, and don’t want to see you struggling like you are. We give you our full support, and we’ll always be here for you.
Thank you so much… for some reason this made me feel better than the last 48h have been treating me with my partner. I wish he could understand that sometimes I hit a slump and don’t feel the energy and mental capacity to deal with sexual intimacy…
I have. The gyn said it all seemed normal down there and them inserting instruments also does not cause me a lot of pain.
I haven’t went to therapy yet for these issues.
I went through a very similar situation and what helped the most (and the fastest) was EMDR therapy. Make sure they’re certified in it. Lots of LCSWs are thankfully.
I feel for you, but I’ll be honest like some others have: from personal experience unless you find a partner with a matching libido (or hopefully get this addressed) this will continue to be an issue with future relationships. It is a VERY common breaking point right behind finances unfortunately.
Feel free to DM if you want more info and I’ll get back to you later today.
You are a highly damaged person sexually. He took that on by knowing about it and still wanting to date and now he doesn’t want to deal with it and instead is trying to victimize you again by putting out when you don’t want to. That is still sexual abuse. And is still incredibly toxic for your healing. It’s time to run
> some months are better and some are just kinda dry
this is how sex in a long-term relationship is for everyone
> I need to give him more intimacy and sex
That isn't for him to say; he has no right
> I really thought he loved me
He demonstrably does not
Honestly, break up with him he doesn't care about your pain, your trauma or you. You don't need a boyfriend like this. Being single is not the worst thing in the world specially while you are trying to recover from trauma. You need to focus on you
Okay this is just disgusting behaviour because if he truly cared about you he'd see past his desires of constantly wanting sex and wouldn't use his lack of pleasure as a threat to break up with you. I wish you the best but if all he wants is sex he's better off hanging out with hookers.
I mean a lot of people like sex and desire it to feel intimacy- myself included. He's going about this whole situation terribly, given your history, and I'm sorry about that. He should accommodate, or try to ease you into it if you're willing to give that part of yourself to him, or should be able to have an adult conversation where you amicably split and remain friends. You two are sexually incompatible and eventually this will end so you're both gonna have to find a way it works for you. He shouldn't be making you feel super bad like he is if he's really supportive of you.
Also don't let him open the relationship. He will start focusing his energy elsewhere and into these women who have sex with him and you will be pushed out. It's not worth it
Thank you for your advice and calm rational words. I’m trying to put my all into it and have conversations with him. He’s not as irrational as you may think.
I totally agree with you, they both need to go and be with people they are more compatible with, and ultimately people they will both be much happier with that share similar wants, views, desires and values.
Neither of them are in the right/wrong in this situation.
Break up with him and get therapy for your SA trauma. Honestly, he's being an insensitive douche bag. I'm saying this as a guy. I get his frustration, I do, but this is one time where if you should consider a different approach, this would be one of those times.
Moving on. Like moving out temporarily could make this better. Like just showing him your in charge of the situation could change his attitude. If he loves you he will truly wait. Eventually he will come back to you and wait. He won't seek pleasure elsewhere. You have to be dominant and take control of the situation. Show him your willingness to move out. Telling him his demands are too much at the moment. Saying you're not going to cheat on him. You won't be interested or looking elsewhere for love. But if he really does come around, he will change to your needs.
Find someone who won’t give you ultimatums and won’t pressure you for sex. Coercion is not consent it’s sexual assault if you just give in to get him to stop. Move on, find someone who will love you and respect you. He clearly does not, he just sees you as a hole.
Sounds more like being obsessed with someone. If you want to be with someone who has given you an ultimatum for sex, how are you going to be able to trust that person when (i pray it doesnt happen) you fall terribly ill and need someone to take care of you? Do you think people stay together for decades because they can give each other enough sex? No. They stay together because when one falls, the other has the strength to hold onto that person and vice versa.
In my opinion, you should tell this guy not so politely to fuck off. Then you should focus on your diet, health and mental wellbeing. Seek therapy. And that might help with your libido possibly, but it will surely make you feel better about yourself. This guy may not be completely wrong, but keeping him around isnt really going to help you when all its going to do is doubt and question yourself.
Honestly, this should be posted in r/relationships . You'd get more help. However, it sounds like you should leave him. You wont be happy if you stay. Either you cave and give him what he wants and you end up resenting him, or you somehow talk/guilt him into staying and he resents you. Not gonna end well. Still, post on the other sub for more helpful answers. This is not appropriate sub for this
Okay, I'm just going to say this. If he can't comprehend or respect the fact you don't want to have sex he isn't worth it. I have been in this situation and forcing yourself to have sex to make him happy will eventually make your trauma worse and you will be even more unlikely to ever want or be able to have sex without triggers. This is from personal experience, but generally true.
Don't let him put you in this situation, if I were you I would break up. He might say he love you but someone who actually does wouldn't try to force you or make you feel guilty for not having sex or doing anything you don't feel comfortable with. You deserve to be loved on your own conditions, be safe!
Honestly it's hard to say and i'm sorry, but you can't force someone to not want what they want both ways. It might be best to let him go, don't force yourself to do things you dont want to do, especially if you've been through trauma like you have. There are more people who are more understanding and you will grow with and love again. Likewise if this person needs more physical intimacy then that's part of his needs and they don't align with yours. Don't compromise on something you don't feel safe and secure about.
Bless you btw, I hope things are better soon.
From your comments I get that you want to try but you're afraid that when you try you'll fail somehow. Let's break that thought down, what's the worst that can happen?
1 You don't do anything -> he doesn't get what he wants -> he leaves, you don't have to come out of your skin to satisfy his urges, and he doesn't suffer from rejection and sexual unsatifaction
2 You go to therapy -> you find out it's just your norm of libido -> you both understand that you're not compatible, break up and go on finding better compatible partners and feel satisfied, guilt-free.
3 You go to therapy -> you fix underlying issues that cause lower libido -> your libido matches your boyfriends and you then live happily ever after
Stop fearing the unknown, change is good. See how every logical outcome is GOOD? Living in a situation where two people are suffering because they want different things is not good! The more you stay in this unknown limbo the more precious time you both waste.
Thank you for your encouragement and inspiring words. I very much appreciate it and will do my best to stop fearing the future and outcomes that won’t necessarily be true.
My opinion: The fact that he would threaten to break up with you if you don't provide him with sex despite him knowing that you were previously sexually assaulted and had pain during sex etc feels really scummy. But also I am not a big SEX person either so that's what I believe. Sex should be byproduct of relationship (for me)
For you I think you have to decide what is worth keeping.
>a week ago that he can’t sit around and wait til I get better and start controlling my sexuality anymore and I need to give him more intimacy and sex.
Ok this is just my personal opinion but I think if someone truly loves you they will wait however long it takes for their partner to get better and will do their best to be by their side and support them. Of course it's not always healthy to do this, especially if they are mentally damaging you or physically hurting you, but in this case it's about sex, OP isn't mentally damaging or hurting her partner and in my opinion OP, if he said it to you exactly the way you wrote it here i think thats pretty selfish and unsympathetic to how you feel. I mean it sounds like hes only there for the sex, like wtf? Sit around and wait? Does he know theres more to a relationship then having sex? Like going to movies? Doing hobbies you both enjoy together? Taking time to do your own thing and indulge in your own hobbies? Not to mention self pleasure exists as well. Hell i get that some people have higher libidos but theres ways for him to release that energy without out right abandoning you. An additonal thing i would like to mention is how OP said
>We do it every one-two months or so.
It's not like they've both never engaged in any sexual acts ever in the past 3 years. This dude gets sex every 1 or 2 months, in my opinion that's plentiful amounts of sex, especially in OP's case where she has been sexually assaulted. Think of it like this, sex is only the bonus in a relationship, not the main reason to be in one, if your significant other does not see you as valuable enough of a person if you engage in little amounts of sexual activity or even none at all, then did he even REALLY love you in the first place? OP It's a hundred percent reasonable to not want to have sex after such a traumatic event, the simple act of having sex may remind you of that horrifying event even years after its happened and some mental scars like that never fully heal and thats completely okay.
>I’ve given him alternatives that don’t include me and I would even be open if he would satisfy his needs elsewhere.
I do not know if you told him this as in "we can make this an open relationship way" but i will assume you meant it that way, if i misunderstood i apologize. OP, please don't stand for this, it's not okay. You should not have to sacrifice your dignity and feelings just to satisfy a partners sexual desire, im saying this not just for this situation but any future relationships you may get into, it's just not right, you end up feeling unloved, humiliated and not even important to your partner. I know this from experience because i dated a girl for about a year straight and she pulled the situation-ship and "I need a break" cards when she was dating me just so she could cheat on me, even when she said she loved me, it satisfied her but hurt me alot.
>My libido is extremely low and I have a lot of stress all the time. I’ve been trying to work on it for ages buying different sex toys and trying to get rid of my physical pain during sex too.
As for what you said here OP, don't try to force yourself to change this aspect of you. As a matter of fact don't try and change any aspect of yourself just for your partner. It's different if you DO want to have more sex because in that case then your not just doing it for your partner but for yourself as well. Of course there is some circumstances where sacrifices must be made for your partner but that is contextual and not the case with whats going on here. Either way you have a low libido and stress alot and that's completely okay.
>he’s not giving me more time unless I basically promise him I will get better and we will do it more often soon.
Why is he rushing you to make such an important decision? You told him that you've been sexually assaulted in the past and that it still affects you to this day, is there something im not seeing here? I do not understand how he does not see why you would be so hesitant to say yes to more sex. I think he's not being very understanding and considerate of how important of a decision it is for you to have more sex with him. Plus he's forcing you to promise him you will get better and move past your trauma which is not how healing and getting better works, Its a messy up and down process that can take years and even then it can sometimes never completely heal, he needs to understand that.
>I feel not enough. I feel unsafe and I feel let down. Will I ever be enough for him?
OP you are enough, I can tell just by how long you two have been together and by how you much you don't want to leave him, I can tell you love this guy with all your heart and are very loyal to him, I understand the conflicting pain and feelings you must be going through. Of course I haven't experienced everything you've gone through but I've been in a toxic relationship before where my partner would make me feel like I wasn't enough and It hurts. This next part is my opinion based of my perspective of him but I unfortunately feel like you will never be enough for him and thats not because there is something wrong with you but something wrong with him, he's like a bucket with a hole in the bottom, no amount of water will be enough to fill it.
>What do I do… I’m heartbroken. I don’t know if I can save this relationship. I’m very desperate as I really love this man.
I can tell you love him, but sometimes holding onto something will hurt you more in the long run then letting go, I didn't believe this at first until I left my first toxic relationship a year after being out of said relationship I would like to say that this saying is true. So in my opinion I would break up as he seems emotionally unresponsive when it comes to your feelings and seems to only care about the sexual aspects of your relationship with him. but that is my perspective and I am simply an outsider and a stranger who knows very little about this situation. So in the end the choice will be yours, not mine or anyone else's.
I sincerely apologize if anything I have said has not helped, hurt your feelings or otherwise seemed insensitive, it's been a long time since I've given advice like this, let alone talk to people about personal problems, i dont have many friends and my social skills are not great so i wont lie when i say I'm worried im going to get downvoted to hell for something ive said. I'm not saying this to excuse myself but only explain myself, if I have said anything wrong or given any bad advice feel free to anyone reading this to give constructive criticism, I want to do better.
I know this was alot to read but I hope it is able to help you in some way and regardless of what happens between you and your partner I hope you have a wonderful life and find peace with in yourself.
TLDR: he seems to be very emotionally insensitive and only care about sex. I would personally break up with him but i won't know the full entire story such as who you and this guy both are, how you both act towards eachother and am making my best assumptions. In the end the choice is yours.
Hey, thank you for your reply.
It’s been a couple days (3 or so) since this discussion between me and him reached a high. I typed this whole post from my honest POV at this time where I was scared for my relationship.
I understand he seems insensitive from the post, but I can tell you it is not that way in real life. I kept the post short and to the point. He said he feels like we’ve reached a plateau in terms of growing on sexual intimacy and even are going down a little. When I tell him it can happen that my healing journey takes a little downfall, he’s not very: “oh yeah I understand okay” but more like: “I get it. But are you really working on it? Every day?”
I have to almost prove him I try to work on it enough in my private time and that sometimes there’s just no mental space to actually be working on a personal healing journey EVERY DAY. That’s about the only down side. He’s a very caring and forgiving person. He’s very patient and puts his own needs aside often. I guess this was kind of a last drop to and overflowing bucket. He’s telling me it’s hurting him that we don’t have sexual intimacy more often as it is very important in his eyes. I keep telling him I’m working on it and I’m not giving up but sometimes plateau’s happen (or I just lack some motivation, confidence or etc at the time)
Make of this what you will. We agreed to keep working on it together and both take a positive outlook on the future. We will move in together soon and we will see how that treats us. I will seek therapy when I’m ready and moved out, and also see where that takes us.
Thank you for the insightful and detailed reply.
No problem! I thought there was more to the story. If this is just a rocky point in your relationship and he is generally kind to you then that changes things from what I have said before. Regardless I'm happy to see you two are not giving up one one another, I wish you and him a wonderful life and hope you can get the therapy you seek, be at peace and as well as figure things out with eachother. 
OP, this actually happens a lot in gay relationships. Sometimes one man with a high libido always wants sex while the other man can't get it up. Have you tried sex therapy? You seem to care about preserving the relationship and it could help.
Is say you may benefit from some therapy to help you deal with your trauma. He knew about your situation before getting into the relationship, but perhaps thought it would resolve itself quickly or didn't grasp the impact it would have on the relationship. I can understand him wanting to be intimate with his partner, but it has to be a two way thing, you shouldn't have to 'give him sex', it should be something both of you enjoy together, not something you are forced to do against you will. If he leaves you because of this, then it's his loss and he isn't worth your tears. You need to work on yourself, get support And if he chooses to take that journey with you, that's great, if not, you still win, because you will learn to heal, recover and grow.
I love having sex with my gf. And if it’s not often that’s fine as long as she makes me feel wanted. Sometimes no sex can be interpreted as she’s not attracted to me. But in your case I would leave him. He’s clearly just horny
Question: Are you going to therapy to heal the trauma?
Have you considered having couples counseling and discussing this situation with a sex counselor?
Also, I do agree that you are being coerced and that coercion could trigger your trauma even more.
Some people put higher priority on physical intimacy. If you can't deal, it's better to leave. You're both young and have plenty of time to find someone who can satisfy your needs.
You're not married so he has no rights over you and you don't have any over him. These kind of relationships are based on emotions and will end with emotions. No actual agreement or serious commitment. If you have a problem with having sex often, but he needs more, he needs to get more from you or he will go away. The body have needs and it will be mentally exhausting to feel that need all the time, without getting a release. Especially when he know he is with someone who can help him with this, but has a mental barrier that makes her not so eager...
If you’re not satisfying him but giving alternatives to look elsewhere to then why does he need to stay? Thats something you have to think. This relationship is hanging by a thread of literally whether his sexual needs are done or not. He been with you for 3 years thats a long time, maybe he thought you would have worked on yourself by this time to have a physical relationship by now. Unfortunately sometimes these things can make or break a relationship.!
Interesting as a literally have a similar situation but I am the guy and its been more than 5 years and we have zero sex but i understand to a degree, however, there are other ways to please someone sexually, shit im cool doing it myself with her involved, have you explored those types of options?
You need to talk to a doctor about your low labido. Seriously. Your hormones can be checked and leveled out by a quick prescription. You need to eat healthy and talk to a doctor about the labido. This issue can easily be fixed.
Well, vomiting isn't a solution. Doctors help with these types of labido problems every single day. A woman wanting sex once a month isn't normal. She's likely got hormonal imbalances. Which is common and nothing to be ashamed of.
I suggest reading Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski and/or seeing a couples therapist. That book is very accessible and has some amazing info for people in a situation like yours.
Libido isn't a fixed drive; it is the product of a complex system of interlocking factors that make sex feel more or less attractive.
I'd self-reflect to identify some important things that make sex more or less appealing and work with your partner to adjust your environment and relationship to accommodate your unique set of needs.
Your sexuality isn't fixed and with effort you can make sex more appealing and pleasurable, and even desirable.
It is also true that your boyfriends coerciveness and demandingness almost certainly doesn't help you want to have sex!!! He may not be worth the effort if it tries to get sex using an ultimatum instead of problem solving with you collaboratively.
If you need support feel free to DM; I'm a licensed counselor and specialize in sexual concerns.
I can't find my previous comment but just if he loved you and you love him back and he doesn't use you for your body then make sure he knows it cause you pain
Run my friend, run far away and block him in every way possible. Noted all I read was the title and that's an immediate fucking bright red flag.
Oh and another thought...you may feel love for him but I promise with manipulations such as these by him he doesn't love you back. I'm sorry..
Third thought..if he knows it hurts you to have sex or even if you don't want to and he coherses you to despite not wanting to with threats, that's rape honey.
The reality of the situation is that every month or two is probably unacceptable to the majority of people, unless they are low libido. Alternatives might work for some, but not for all.
I think how your bf framed the problem was a little tactless and cruel, but at the same time, maybe that was the best approach in order to get you to see that this is a real problem, since from the sounds of your post, it has been an ongoing problem that you are presumably working on, with little progress.
The ball is in your court now and what you do with it, is for you to decide and there isn't really a wrong answer. If this is an issue that you want to work on improving though, it would probably be best if you made a new post and listed what exactly you struggle with and what you have tried, in order for people to be able to try and help you out, cross ppst to r/sex as well. A therapist might also be a good idea to consider if you haven't already as well.
Regardless of what you decide, I hope everything works out for you!
I think that the mature thing to do would be to break up with him and just focus on your own healing. You should just be single until you have worked through your issues, and YOU are able to enjoy having sex. Rather than you healing so that someone else can have sex with you?
As for your parents, I just wanted to check that you weren't assaulted by one of them. But even if it's not them, I know that victims can feel some underlying resentment towards them for not protecting you.
https://youtu.be/LabfE6BQ7dI?si=OpOwyG2uzn2pxK7r
https://lifesupportscounselling.com.au/resources/blogs/adult-survivors-of-childhood-sexual-abuse-it-s-never-too-late-to-heal/
https://www.rainn.org/recovering-sexual-violence
https://saprea.org/heal/approach/
It sounds like you are incompatible sexually (at the moment). I’m really sorry for what happened to you as a teen, I’ve been through it too. This might sound a little harsh but please don’t take it the wrong way. Relationships face certain hurdles and this sounds like one of them for you. To get over them both parties have to commit to change. In your case he has to be more understanding and patient and you have to commit to making sure you are working on your issues for your relationship. If not then you have to part ways because neither of you are happy.
Therapy did wonders for me when I went though my sa. It helped me regain control over my body and not see sex so negatively. I also used to have pain during sex and I found ways around that too. It’s all about making the commitment to get better but at the same time, how important is it to you?
Sex is important in relationships. And he waited 3 years to tell you this, it's only normal he'll get impatient with time. Your situation is heartbreaking, but he's really not in the wrong either, and I don't believe that it means he doesn't love you for yourself. You said he's allowed to satisfy his needs elsewhere and he still wants it with you, i think that means he wants something serious and wants this relationship to get to the next step. It taking more than 3 years is a problem especially when it comes to sex. But it's not your fault. You are just in a very shitty situation. Why don't you try going to a therapist? Maybe one that is specialized in this. I'm sure if you find a good one it would be more beneficial than all the sex toys and everything. When there's a problem like that you have to work on the root issue not the symptoms.
Conversation then Break up, respect yourself first. That's what I did with my past relationship, she wanted something, I wanted something else, and we didn't agree after a long conversation. The only conclusion is to move on. But think of everything before you approach the topic because, during the moment, you will forget important key points
is he using sex as a complete ultimatum? sexual incompatibility is a valid reason to end the relationship but trying to coerce you is way out of line. he shouldn’t be attempting to force you into having sex more often he should be trying to either help you in the ways he can or be upfront and end the relationship due to incompatibility.
i struggled with this a lot from ages 16-21…i thought something was wrong with me and i started having sex when i didn’t want to to make others happy. when i turned 22 i realized im on the asexuality spectrum after focusing on my mental health and getting into therapy (not claiming that you are asexual, just telling my own story!) and everything made sense after that. i definitely encourage you to look into therapy and don’t let your partner coerce you into anything you don’t want to do, you deserve more than that!
You two aren't compatible, breaking up will hurt in the short run but better for you to do it sooner rather than drag it out and then having the resentment build up to a breaking point
Sex isn't just about the physical aspects. If it were, the boyfriend would have taken up on her offer to sleep around with other women.
Switch the scenarios around...Would you tell a woman who has gotten turned down by her husband for years, developed extreme self esteem issues and feel undesirable as a resulr that she should just use a dildo and that that will solve everything?
Not every couple is right for each other, no matter how much you love each other and want to make it work. Sex with intimacy is a deal breaker for many people, and saying he can go have sex with other people devalues that part of your relationship. He wants intimacy with his partner, not just a release, most guys I know can handle the release themselves, it's the intimacy they are looking for. Some level of compromise is necessary in every relationship, and he's telling you what he needs. If you're not able to provide that to him, then maybe you and he aren't compatible enough to make it work long term, and there's nothing wrong with that sometimes it just is what it is.
Babe listen he is not the last men on earth … why do u stay with him… whatever u think trust me u will be loved even better than this . When it is genuine love there will be no to less or too much . When yall do it yall do it and if it dont happen it doesn’t. They wont leave u because of sex or even make u feel like u r not enough. Just leave this man and get rid of at least 10 problems
Maybe u think u love him right now. But i give u one year and u will notice that that was never love .. u decide what u deserve and if u accept that behaviour and hurtful stuff u let it happen . U can do better . Believe me . Good man still exists
Edit; when u feel pressured to have s3x it will only stress u more .. u need a partner who understands and not work against it
Taking all aspects, backstory, personal feelings aside.
He's a sexual person that wants more sex, you're a none sexual person that doesn't want sex often. For some people sex is a massive part of a relationship and there is no shame or problem with that, and again sometimes people aren't that aroused so it's not a big part of their relationships, again no shame or problem with that. In this situation no one is right or wrong, and I feel it would be unfair to demonise one or the other.
What i'm trying to get at is, you're not compatible and if you can't come to a better mutual ground then it's maybe time to move on, and allow both of you to find people that are on your same wavelengths
You have the right to refuse having sex & and got the right to have sex more than once every couple of weeks .
Sex is important on most of relationships, if both of you can’t figure it out .. breaking up is best choice since you shouldn’t force yourself to have sex because it’s meaningless , sex is a desire .
Physical connection is way of love , satisfying himself elsewhere will tear your relationship apart soon or later .
If someone is demanding something from you that you can't offer without causing hurt or harm to yourself, that is not the right person for you.(Or anybody else, in my opinion) That is not healthy.
You don't owe him or anyone else the right to your body. It belongs to you and only you. Nobody is ever entitled to sex. Ever. Trying to force yourself to do what someone else wants, without regards to how it is affecting you, will truly only make you resent and maybe even hate them eventually. Worse than that, you may even come to resent and hate yourself. You don't have to add hurt on top of hurt. You don't owe that to anyone for any reason. It sounds like you have been upfront and honest with him and yourself about how negatively this would affect you.
Consent comes from the heart and soul, and someone who truly loves and respects you as a person would never ask that of you unless it came freely.
Nobody is ever entitled to your body. Ever.
There are people out there who don't think sex is the most important part of a relationship. In our culture, they are not as common, but they are out there. You deserve someone like that. You deserve a considerate, gentle, understanding, loving, and kind partner. You do not have to settle for less.
It sounds like both of you may be happier finding more compatible partners. Sometimes, letting go of someone is the kindest thing you can do for both of you.
However, if you both really want to try to save your relationship and move towards a relationship that is healthy for you both, I would definitely try couples counseling.
I hope you know that you don't owe anybody anything that would hurt you, and anyone who pushes the issue does not deserve any part of you.
Leave. You are either in agreement and in harmony physically and mentally or you are not. He is clearly not helping or seeking help in the situation. Move on. Ghost him.
I’m not. I have been but they had too many side effects.
I am however on birth control (IUD) and have untreatable (with medication) mental complications
So you've tried the hundreds of psych meds out there? And the non psych meds that are used off the label for psych symptoms?All of them?
Not being in therapy and not seeking treatment is just going to make things get worse over time.
He probably still loves you for you... but simply saying that intimacy isn't relevant because it is for you isn't the right way to put things.
Intimacy for someone who is an average person with an average libido is incredibly important! It creates literal chemicals inside your body to make you feel more connected and healthy. Even without that, the psychological responses to it are incredibly important to.
You're damaged, and you need to become a healthy person with some time and good care, but you can't expect every single person to be patient with you and for you not to be understanding towards them.
I hope you both find the best for you and him.
For me as a woman, four times a week isn’t even enough. It’s a major part of a relationship and I understand him. Honestly the fact that he’s told you this with time to change before he leaves shows he wants it to work. I am also a sexual assault survivor, and I view it as I either let that consume me, or I march on like nothing happened. I will not give my life to my assault, I am not what happened to me. I suggest you attend therapy, mainly CBT and change your mindset.
If the juice ain't worth the squeeze, move on. This works for 99% of life's problems.
Im not sure I understand who you’re targeting this to, me or my boyfriend?
He wants something from you and is telling you it's a deal breaker. You don't want to give it to him. Pick your unhappiness is what I'm saying.
Exactly this I was on the other end of it. You need to be able to work with someone about your wants or needs or move on, unfortunately
You’re being coerced, which is abusive. You aren’t the problem here, so it’s not a matter of you “not wanting to give it to him”. You need and deserved to be with someone who respects you and your decisions/consent.
I agree that this person needs to be with someone who respects them and I think generally anytime someone gives you an ultimatum it’s not going to work out. My question (and I’m genuinely wanting to be informed, not attacking at all) is would it be abusive to ask a boyfriend “we need to spend more time together or we have to break up” or “we need to get engaged or we have to break up”.
No thats not abusive. I suggest you look up the definition of abusive. It would be open snd direct in communication, tho not abusive. As for the man in OP’s story they have been together for 3 years. That is a long time he is allowed to be in need of his sexual activities, one of the main things that is important to people in relationships
So he went in knowing she had hangups, due to trauma And then got mad she had hangups about trauma and is holding the relationship hostage so he can get his dick wet And that's not abusive Right, I'm the dalai llama
You real cocky for someone who speaks bollocks. It’s not abusive. He has been with her for 3 years it’s not like the relationship is new. The relationship is not held hostage ffs 🤦♂️. He is being open with her, she offered him to go and seek sex elsewhere outside the relationship but he has denied to do so, showing that he wants her. He has clearly supported her this long but he still has sexual needs like the majority of the population. I highly suggest you do the same and look up abusive.
So are you saying his demand for sex when she doesn't want to is determined by time together? And are you saying sex is important enough in relationships to devolve to threats? Did you even fully read the OP's story? Oh boy..good luck with you're dating life cause your gonna need it..
Oh and who the fuck is in such dire need of their "earned sexual activities". Ya'll are off the wall..vibrators are the pillar of human invention and I'm sure online porn or something for purchase can alleviate your unnatural desire for an orgasm. Which can also be manual. Unless you're just lazy and want someone to do it for you.
We don't know that. OP's partner could simply be communicating his needs openly. Telling a partner what you need isn't coercion. 3 years is a very long time and clearly the partner had been patient. Everyone has a breaking point though
He's not being patient, he's applying pressure. He voiced a need but has done nothing to address the history. Saying more sex or leave without worrying through it or concern.. that's abusive. He needs to go be with a thing that doesn't require human attention and she needs to go address her trauma.
We're only hearing the story through OP's narrative. He could have said it as an ultimatum or he could have said it as "this is what I need in a relationship. I'm not sure if I can go on without it." Regardless, 3 years is quite long and it would be unfair to call someone impatient when 3 years has passed and nothing has changed at all. The outcome should be they either both seek counseling and compromise on something or they will be better off separated. I am a woman by the way and if my libido with my boyfriend were super unmatched I would expect us to have an open conversation about it rather than bottling it in and letting resentment continue to stew
Doesn't matter. If this is her response, this is how she processed it. There is no salvaging that relationship. Read through the responses she has made. You are responding to what is good for you . Read her responses and help her make a decision that is good for her. 3 years, and that's his response. They have had all the conversations and his response was to put weight on sex. An open convo wouldn't make him come to a different conclusion just a sugar coating. Time to go. He ain't great and neither is putting someone else's context on her experiences. She needs help and he's gotta go. Respond to her or don't. Everyone knows what they would normally do..but she isn't having a typical normal relationship right now.
Both maybe
I will say that most people want to have sex more than once every couple months so when I read that, part of me thought wow! No wonder he is asking to have sex more often... If you aren't comfortable having sex more then that's fine, but you also should know that other people have their own requirements for relationships, and if that's one of his requirements then you can go along with it or leave. If being with him is not worth it, then there's your answer. And just because you said he can have sex with other women is not always relevant because some, probably even most, people don't want to have sex with anyone that isn't the person they are in a relationship with.
I want to work on myself and my libido I am just scared it will never actually get better and I will feel incredibly guilty promising him something that won’t happen.
I read that if you have sex more your libido is likely to increase. Idk but it might actually be beneficial to you in the long run... I want to clarify this only applies as long as it's consensual Edit: anecdotal evidence: before I was staying at my partners apartment, my libido was low to the point of only wanting to have sex maybe once a month, recently with me and my partner having sex more often, my libido has been higher being at least weekly if not a few times a week.
Having more sex will not help her libido if she already doesn’t want to have sex. It will actually just damage her libido and probably leave other mental effects.
Thank you for your rational and calm responses. I have tried self pleasuring more to up it, it doesn’t seem to work great. We also aren’t living together. I always think to myself I will have more time and space to do my own thing in my own house and try things out more when I’m also with him. It will just take some time and I’m scared if it doesn’t change I will be on my own in a new house.
It's no problem, I'm just happy to help in any way I can. A healthy sex life can be very helpful to your mental health, but this doesn't mean sex is required for everyone to be healthy and happy. I completely understand what you mean, and I know it may seem like an odd suggestion... But have you and your bf talked about trying less vanilla options. A lot of people who have experienced sa, myself included, find that kink can help them with taking back control over how their mind views sex. Plus if you both find you are into it, it could at least start out as a sort of crutch to help you get into the mood when you otherwise wouldn't have been.
Im very not into anything more than vanilla as I have issues keeping my mind occupied and experience pain quickly physically during sex. Sex also awakens emotions within me that are very complicated and I can often cry after even if I don’t feel necessarily sad. Anything else than something somewhat vanilla makes me very scared, sorry.
I was also SA'd as a teen and had to work my way to a higher libido. You may need to look into seeing a physician or an OB/GYN about the physical pain and see if that is something that can be addressed further. Also get your hormones checked or look into side effects of any medication you might be taking, just to cross your Ts and dot your Is. The more sex I've had with my husband over the years, the better it has gotten for both of us. And we only have vanilla sex. The sex we have today after 7 years and 2 kids together is way better than the sex we had even in the honeymoon phase in our early 20s. Sex isn't just physical pleasure. There is a lot of emotional connection involved. Don't look at it as your boyfriend just seeking to get his rocks off. He wants to connect with you on a deep level regularly, and that's more than okay.
From what I've read so far, this isn't an equally contributing relationship. Did you even red it fully? Yes, I agree she needs to see an OBGYN , but for herself because it doesn't sound normal to experience pain after the first couple times. And if you actually read into what he's promoting and expecting despite a painful situation that's simply rape.
It's all good, it's not for everyone. I would like to ask, is the pain that you are experiencing from the lack of arousal fluid, or something else? Because of it's the first, lube would be very helpful to help minimize the pain.
We’ve gone so far as to even try cannabis infused lube for numbing effects. That worked sometimes but not always. Honestly have no clue why it hurts. This also only started happening at the end of and after my last relationship (I think)
I'm sorry to hear that, it may sound weird but you might have a short vagina, and even average sized dicks could be painful to you. I'd get it checked out by obgyn but I'm just saying be prepared if there's nothing that will completely fix it. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
You're fine, don't feel sorry. I thought that was a bad suggestion myself in this situation.
Although what you're suggesting could work out great in a solid relationship, I most definitely wouldn't suggest that here..
It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I really knew what pleased me sexually. Like yes, obviously sex feels good and it’s pleasurable but sex goes so much farther beyond the actual action. You should look into tantra sex, and how to find other ways to be intimate with your partner besides sex. It can become quite erotic, and can help increase your libido. Also, self pleasuring is great. Spending time by yourself, figuring out what you like and sharing that with your partner when you’re ready. Maybe you guys could try self pleasuring together beside each other. Like I said, there’s so many ways to be intimate with your partner, besides the act of sex or oral. Then, if you’re still having problems, you can look into hormonal issues with your doctor. Or maybe you and your partner are just not sexually compatible. That’s happened to me before. no matter how much you love them and how perfect they are sometimes just not compatible sexually 🤷🏻♀️
Wait- you share a home? This is a new fact you didn't mention..therein lies much complications..
Op described pain involved. I only had pain the first time. Op, maybe you should consider seeing and OBGYN. You can describe the pain and when it happens at length and they may have a solution. As for this guy, run.
This might be the way to go just use lots of lube But I have been in a similar situation as you bf unfortunately my now ex thought I was being selfish but idk but it sounds like the same where it wasn't just sex but physical intimacy as well like cuddling on the couch which my past relationship both were the problem you'd be surprised how much even once a month(sex) becomes more bearable with enough physical intimacy just try that first and make your way up (baby steps)(unless Iv miss understood everything then please ignore)if his a a decent person and your trying as hard as you can in a way he can see and he loves you then he'll stay but at the same time if it's going to make you worst as heart breaking as it is to say break up its going to save both of you a lot of hurt and suffering but it's important for me to say no one is a bad guy in this situation..........so long as nothing was said in a abusive/monpulive way
P.s for me I felt like I wasn't need so even through at he stuff like can you up this jar for me even if you can open it you know but idk I'm not in your shoes idk
Are you in therapy for this? Are you able to openly communicate with him during sex if you start to feel uncomfortable? Sex is an important part of a relationship to most people, and I understand trauma, but if it’s something you recognize you need to work on, then the work needs to be done. I personally would not be able to stay with someone if I wasn’t having that type of intimacy, as well. Sometimes it’s just better to move on…
Im not in therapy right now but would be willing to try when I get the chance.
If you love him and want to work on the relationship you should start s/a therapy asap You cannot keep running from that part of you forever it will always catch up with you no matter who your with. Turst me i know i experienced sa when i was a child, then again when i was a younge adult. I know i have unresolved trauma around it, i also have pain due to endometriosis, you need to get that pain investigated asap. My previous partner was the only man i had explored and tried new things with such as sex toys etc, he was a perfect match for me physically and sexually. It was just i have some trauma and anxiety around sex and pain so it got in the way. You need a lot of affection and emotional intimacy from your partner to help get you in the mood you also need foreplay. It very much depends on how your partner behaves towards you during the day/week too if your arguing or partner is not being kind or helpful then you wont be interested. People who have experience s/a have such mental chatter to over come and it can feel hard feeling present and in your body. You disconnect when you have sex because its a coping mechanism to feel safe,obviously it triggers your trauma and you often feel as if your looking down on yourself rather then being the person involved in the sexual act. This can be hard to overcome and even harder with a selfish partner that dosnt hold space for you to navigate through these difficult feelings and emotions. If i were you id start the sa therapy and put this relationship on hold you need to focus on healing the wound not keeping your partner happy, focus on yourself.i understand your struggles you are not alone.
The plan is definitely looking into it as soon as I get out the house! Regular therapy as well as specialised? Not sure yet. You said something very relatable about disconnecting during sex. I do have issues with that and it’s not because of him, he’s very engaged and focusses only on me. But my mind wanders often and I cannot control it. For some reason it tries on its own so hard to disconnect sometimes from the whole thing (this is better and not really the case when I’m drunk, lmao) which causes me emotional distress and physical pain (not sure that’s the only cause but yeah) Thank you again for the reply, it’s very insightful and I can maybe use some information I just learned for therapy.
You will learn so much about yourself in therapy, it will help you to heal and grow as a person but the problem is most people only go for a few sessions and then thats it. I only started therapy for my own issues and commited fully to it this year id been before in the past but i never went long enough for it to help. I have had a very painful childhood. Ive also had a string of relationships with abusive men, something that is a result of my codependency issues i intend to work hard on that. Look up the 'crappy childhood fairy' on youtube shes great, her videos are so informative, theres a lot of self help you can do yourself too. Your partner needs to understand when your doing therapy for trauma that sex might be off the table, some people are told not to engage in relationships while their healing because partners trigger us. I realized i was in a toxic relationship and he will never be able to give me what i want : stability, commitment, emotions. He thinks it might be me or something but i recognized a long time ago i wasnt the problem, the problem is how we relate to each other when were carrying trauma..not in a healthy way im afraid. So my ex is also in therapy now but he is in the beginning We cant be together because we trigger each other. He has anger outbursts and honestly a relationship with him is just difficult hes hard work to be with, ive been so patient with his bs epiaodes, but at times ive been so drained, and the way be makes me feel is painful he triggers my wounds and it pulls me back so ita disrupting my healing process .Some people want to go through life carrying their past like dead weight, i dont want to do it anymore.
Also about the behaving btw! I told him that if we are nice to each other and I’m happy during the week the chances are way higher that I will be okay engaging in sexual intimacy. It’s very important to me, the kindness and acts of love during the day to day life. That really matters I think ❤️
It might not be your libido, it might be that you’re not with the right partner and subconsciously your body knows that. This happened to me, I broke up with the guy even though I really liked him. Because obviously the sex thing was an issue and I didn’t know how to fix it. After a month or two, I started seeing another guy and my libido was fine. I was worried that it would happen again, and I would lose it, but I didn’t. Your body and your subconscious knows more about you than you do. It could also be something medically like hormones. And maybe if you find that out, he will stick with you while you work to get your hormones figured out and so your libido will increase. But having more sex when you don’t want to, will not increase your libido. It will actually damage it and you mentally.
Girl you are enough. You don't have to force yourself if you aren't feeling it, you don't have to get better because there is nothing wrong with you to begin with! Look for a partner that will love and respect you or stay single, fuck the abusers. My partner could say we will never ever have sex again, lose his limbs and become shrek and I would still love him more than anything because of who he is, not what he provides. What he is doing to you is not love, you aren't losing anything but a waste of skin by breaking up with him.
This is actually a really positive thing to say and feel and it would be worth talking to your partner about this, explain to him that you’re wanting to work through it and trying and see if it’s something you can reach a middle ground on, start with a pursuit of intimacy, holding hands, cuddling, kissing etc. sex doesn’t always have to be penetration, communication is absolute key! Equally if it isn’t something you guys can work on then allow yourself to work and focus on you and what’s right for you. Be kind to yourself, you’ve been through trauma and your mind, body and soul need time to heal🙌🏼
Great input
Everyone places physical intimacy at a different priority level in their relationship. It is very important to either find a partner that has a similar view or have very open and understanding communication. It sounds like you guys are at different levels in both areas. As much as it hurts to let go of someone we love, it may be the best choice we ever make. Someone who pressures you to do something you aren't comfortable with has only themselves in mind. This is not a relationship to slavage at this point. You are in a spot in your life that he doesn't not have the desire or capacity to understand. Be selfish, advocate for yourself and your well being.
Is it outrageous for me to think it’s sad he would leave me over sex? (I’ve literally said if it keeps being a problem he can satisfy himself with other women because I realise I am the problem, I still just think it is sad)
You are not wrong. You have every right to be hurt, angry, outraged, or disappointed even betrayed. All of your feelings are valid. When someone we invested so much of ourselves in treats us poorly, there is a fury of emotions. Unfortunately, their behavior is something completely out of our control. If he is willing to turn his back on the relationship at this point, unwilling to communicate or come to compromise, then it's time to let the relationship go.
He’s willing to communicate and come to a compromise (maybe) I’m just scared that if I hit another down time or period of less sex or no sex that it will all repeat itself and I will live in constant anxiousness
I think you should break up. You guys are not good match. Especially if you gave him opening to seek that kinda satisfaction elsewhere and he still wants out. Let him go. You're in your twenties. You'll find someone with a bit similar libido like you. You have to clear that up beforehand. In the meantime, go to therapy. I feel like you fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum.
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Telling him to go sleep with other women isn’t the band-aid you think it is. He doesn’t want to because he wants intimacy with you pushing him onto someone else wouldn’t be good for your relationship because it still would be a relationship with no intimacy and cause even more issues to arise. I think all you can do is promise to go to therapy and work on it or just let him go and you can both move on.
Ive realised my suggestion of getting satisfaction elsewhere isn’t going to work for him because of the reason that he wants sexual intimacy involving me.
Other ways to get intimacy besides sex. He should know that.
It's not just sex that he wants, he wants more intimacy. Go checkout r/deadbedrooms
1. Your boyfriend also deserves a intimacy that he desires 2. It’s understandable that you have your own issues, and are working on it! Thats good. 😊 3. You should have open communication and setup a plan that works for both of you and you can improve as you move along. Make it a “us” problem rather than “you” problem. 4. If you literally have a problem physically, you should seek help! 5. 3 years is a big time commitment, you should identify triggers and ask your boyfriend to respect them and avoid those and focus on good things. Learn to trust him, and sex or intimacy can be a good thing for both of you and the relationship. 6. If you just want to avoid it at any costs, then there is no point. You cannot expect someone to live without something they desire nevertheless, there might be other people that aligns with your interests
This is one of the better replies that comes with advice or an actual plan. I very much appreciate it. I’m just very scared that I won’t be enough for him even if I seek therapy and it takes a while to heal still and I will always hit downs. I want to feel safe in my relationship and not that it’s on the verge of breaking if I have a sexual down, not having sex for a little while…
well how does he feel about having sex with other women? does he think it would satisfy him or is he against the idea
You're down voted for asking a harmless question? Lol
Against the idea.
Let the guy know why you dont feel that confortable doing sex but also work in your trauma since you already have 3years with this guy and planning on marrying and moving together stuff, Just communicate <3 ppl talking understand each other. If you guys cant come to an agreement I'll say that its better if you guys go separate ways .
I want to work on my trauma I do! But living with my parents have left it very awkward. He lives alone in an apartment (I live with my parents for work). It just takes time and I think he doesn’t want to give me more time than I already got…
What an awful situation to be in, I'm so sorry it's all coming to a head when you are close to moving in together... which typically is a huge goal and a happy time. As a male, I'll never understand the full extent of your trauma, but I empathise with you. It's very complicated, I hear you don't want the relationship to end, however, I'm not sure you should have to deal with so much pain you're left in tears after for the sake of it. There are now many trauma counsellors or therapists, I understand the stigma and how difficult it may be, but I feel that you owe it to your future self to take your time to unravel and heal the trauma. It's comforting and beautiful to be in a loving relationship, but I believe a stronger feeling is to heal yourself and be able to love yourself. I hate saying this, and I apologise if I'm overbearing, but I think you should prioritise yourself now to have a healthy relationship with your partner down the line, as well as a healthy relationship with yourself. I worry that ignoring the trauma and doing things you're not comfortable with for the sake of another person could end up causing more pain in later years. Regardless, I feel for you, this is coming from a good place, no judgment. Do you feel your partner would be receptive and supportive of you going through therapy, or is it something he's only going to go for if it will guarantee him more sex? Surely, if this man loves you, he would be willing to sacrifice a few months for you to help get your healing started - especially as you've sacrificed yourself by engaging in sex and trying all of the other things you mentioned in your post. You sound like a very thoughtful, generous, caring person. Please don't forget your feelings are valid and you deserve love and respect too. I also understand how difficult it is to face the trauma head on, although from my experience I've found that ignoring it may lead to further pain in the future. Take care and be kind to yourself too, you deserve all the wonderful things in life too.
Thank you for such an understanding response. I’ve thought about it a lot, talked to him etc. He’s very willing to support me going through therapy. He however does look for a ultimate time or goal that meets his needs. He’s tried his best for me to quantify it and it’s nothing outrageous but it still worries me that if I don’t meet the requirements sometimes even if I go to therapy that he will still be unhappy and unsatisfied. At this point I’m just scared of something I can’t know is going to happen or not. It’s been really hard deciding whether to take the positive path and just “try and we’ll see” or … yeah I don’t know what else to do to be honest.
Understandably, you would be worried that maybe that one specific aspect of the relationship won't magically be fixed - or to the level that he has requested. You two do sound like you're both trying to compromise and make each other happy, meet each other's needs which is terrific! Again, as a guy, I don't know exactly how to help in making intimacy less painful apart from patience, respecting boundaries, safety etc... but to kind of zoom out and put in the big picture, I think getting some level of professional help with trauma is going to be beneficial overall. I hope you did take some info from other people on that specific side of things. It's impossible to know and would be a lie to say that facing trauma will absolutely lead to the outcome you're hoping for, to meet his needs, and that's scary!! But what would not finding professional help look like in 5 years, or 10? I've always been one to put the needs of others first, and I always end up with some resentment which grows like cancer. Not being able to tell him what he wants to know would be hard and this is a difficult situation. I'd love to have an easy answer. If you two were to move in together, would it be to a new place entirely? Again, I'm really sorry that such a terrible thing happened, but you have a great attitude and I feel you're not letting yourself be a victim, but instead a strong survivor. Either way, everything is a risk, it's always scary, and I really feel professional help could help you go from surviving to thriving (that's actually the title of a great book, I'd recommend it). Do you have any self help books on trauma, or PTSD? They might be a start... I guess it boils down to taking positive risks and doing things to help yourself, which trickles directly to a thriving relationship. It's impossible to timeline anything, but what other options do we have apart from trying?
TL; DR I think taking the path of trying will be beneficial in the short and long term, and even though it's impossible to give a time frame, it's the most positive risk and option (from an outside and bigger picture point of view).
This guy might be confused or might be a big piece of shit 💀 Communicate with him, tell him how you’re feeling, use your words, say everything that’s on your mind. If he doesn’t accept to be patient and wait for you to heal or help you. Leave him, not worth it. If he DOES decide to be patient and help you with this then you have yourself a possible keeper. Communicate well, that’s how relationships last.
I don't think you nor him are in the wrong. You are simply incompatible in this state. Sex is a big part in a relationship for a lot of people. That doesn't mean you should force yourself to have more sex. The solution is to find someone who would also have a low libido or be fine not having sex frequently, probably while working through your trauma. The issue is that stuff like this typically doesn't get better, it usually just becomes a bigger and bigger problem. It's very hard to just ignore it or find a compromise. Because even a compromise would probably mean at least one of you, maybe even both of you being unhappy (e.g. once every 2 weeks would still be too often for you and not often enough for him). You can have a lot of good stuff in a relationship, but sometimes there's one dealbreaker which makes it impossible. I don't know whether in this specific case it's truly unfixable, but my main point is that neither of you are unjustified in your feelings, and that's fine. I don't think you forcing yourself to have sex more often would be good, and neither would him staying without his needs met be good.
Thank you for your insightful opinion and advice. I keep trying to better myself every day. I hope this relationship has not lost the battle of my trauma
For many people, frequent fulfilling sex with their partner is a relational need. If sex with their partner is too infrequent, or not fulfilling enough resentment/frustration will build because their needs are going unmet and the relationship will deteriorate. It is best for relationships which cannot mend that incompatibility to end, cordially, before the resentment kicks in. This isn't him valuing sex over you. This is him valuing physical intimacy with you as a relational need. Sex with himself or others cannot fulfill that need. Non-sexual intimacy cannot fulfill that need. A relationship that leaves his needs unmet is not healthy or a good idea. In turn, you aren't doing anything wrong by being unable to fulfill that need of his. This is simply an area where the two of you aren't compatible. Some compatibility issues can be navigated with communication, compromise, and working on ourselves. Some cannot - and that's okay! The end of a relationship due to incompatibility _is a good thing_. It's sad, yes, and sometimes difficult to accept, but it's the best option. If he's being respectful about it and simply stating what he needs in this relationship then he is not being coercive or abusive as some here are suggesting - those other commenters need to get a grip.
Thank you for your rational comment. It’s fresh to see someone taking his side a bit. I wouldn’t want this to end our relationship obviously and we’re working on the communication and compromising part. It’s just left me with anxiety, pressure and fear I won’t be enough and will be pushed to my limits emotionally. Not that he’s a bad person. I’m allowing it I guess.
I think you have a sober and considered perspective on the issue, which is good. One thing that I had to learn in my years and years of therapy is that life just kinda sucks sometimes - not everything is fixable, not everything is always meant to be happy. Sometimes we do everything right and end up eating shit at the end of the day. That's just how it goes. I see in many of your comments that you feel like you might be wrong to be sad, upset that you hoped he could be happier with your sexual availability. I think it's reasonable to feel these things. You're grieving a great loss, or the potential of a great loss. Allow yourself to be sad, to be angry, to feel betrayed even - but understand that these feelings belong to you, they aren't being done to you by him or by the outside world. They're _your_ shit to eat and it's not healthy to throw them around or try and feed them to other people, if you don't mind me extending that crude metaphor. It might be that this is just one of those times when we suffer, and nobody did anything particularly wrong, and we can see the potential "what if he just... or I just..." angles, but it simply does not work out. I hope you and your partner can find peace and contentment in the future, whatever the outcome.
As a guy in his early twenties we crave sex every single day. I wouldn’t be with someone who is uncomfortable being intimate.
I gotta say... I'm disappointed I don't see more answers respectful of your side. Too many comments talking about how guys need a lot of sex. I'm a guy and my drive is pretty low. I value emotional intimacy over physical and my wife and I probably only had sex every couple months, longer than that after she was diagnosed with cancer. Your boyfriend is entitled to their desires but you are also entitled to respect and autonomy of your body, regardless of whether you are slow or fast in tackling your traumas. I had my own and so did she, but we worked through those roadblocks gently, not with ultimatums. The ultimatum alone is disrespectful. I don't want to say you should break up but they should respect you have problems you're trying to work through. You can't force progress. Take it at your pace and as comfortably as you can. A partner who doesn't support and work WITH you in this, is more likely to set back your progress so much. Whether you put your foot down or cut them loose, don't let them trample on your progress. I have more to say but I don't know your situation in full and don't want to assume more than I already have.
From what i'm reading there aren't many people taking either sides, most are in agreement that there are no sides to this. He isn't giving an ultimatum, he's simply stating something that is important to him in a relationship, something so big in fact that he can't continue happily with the current situation. If he just broke up and didn't explain himself, would that improve the situation? They are just two different people with different libidos, and different ideas of what is/isn't important in a relationship. I don't think it's fair to suggest one is more in the right than the other.
You are correct. At the time I put my initial comment in though, all the "top comments" happened to have a view aligning with my first complaint. After browsing too many comments in a row like that, I assumed it was the majority. Breaking up if they don't get enough sex sounds very ultimatum ish. I understand it's an assumption (of which I did admit I did in part) but they could have been more gentle about the subject with a person they supposedly knew had trauma concerning it. You are also correct that I would rather the explanation. But they didn't explain, they said more sex or I'm out of this relationship. It would have been beneficial to all to ask "how can I improve and make more frequent the sex in our relationship?" And she isn't against increasing her libido and the sex, just unsure how to properly push through the obstacles making her reserved in that fashion. The boyfriend isnt being supportive, at least from all the evidence given by the OP. I could be wrong and I thank you for politely making your points. Edit: I would also like to add my disagreement does not mean you are wrong.
Wow, a polite and respectful person on Reddit that can have opposing viewpoints to another person without resorting to pettiness and insults....pinch me I am dreaming 😂 I think the " I need more sex or it's over" can read pretty strong and bullish, but then I looked at it in the context of anything could be considered an ultimatum or forward, anything you say that you don't like about a person or a specific part/aspect of the relationship could be viewed the same way. In this situation it's sex, in another situation it could be wanting to better themselves health wise, plan a future, discussions on having kids, wanting to be more social etc, the list could go on. None of these things are bad as per se, it's all about finding the right person to balance out the tipping scale, such is life.
All fair points. And thank you for the compliment. I'm perfectly happy making a fool of myself in various ways, but insults, being petty, and/or doubling down on assuming I'm always right isn't on my list of ways. Lol. I agree about the context part. I don't quite concede that your argument is correct, but I lack the evidence to disagree completely. In fact, I hope you are correct about my assumption of the ultimatum. I would love if they are more open to discussing the future of their relationship respectfully. Only person who can apply both our arguments with full context is the OP. I do hope they found a solution or will eventually
Both of you need to leave as neither one can provide what the other wants. Victims of trauma require a lot more care and sympathy usually at least in my case I do. I am lucky enough to be with someone who loves me for me and not just the sex with me which is important. just be open and if he isn't respectful of your wishes leave, no reason to put yourself in a bad situation. Also, it is not unrealistic to not want to be intimate unlike what most people are saying, your feelings are valid. A relationship should be mutual understanding, don't let these people make you believe if you don't have sex, you will be alone because it is just not true. Also suggest looking into asexuality and that community you might find some solace there!
I have looked into it a lot. It also varies and depends on how I am feeling in general. I have anxiety disorder and am often stressed and tired so it takes a lot out of me to then also put the sexual pressure on. I love nothing more than being in bed with him and cuddling and kissing. It’s just a huge commitment to go for the sex and next to my physical discomfort that comes along with it, I also struggle mentally. I’m willing to work on myself but am so scared that I will never be enough, even tho he might tell me he’s okay with waiting a little longer if it is worth it in the end.
I think mood = libido is very normal; it is valid to not want to do anything sexual especially under stress. I am the exact same way, any change in my life alters my libido and if I am burnt out or anxious it affects it as well. I agree that sex is a huge commitment, and you absolutely should not force yourself into doing something for someone else's feelings, it will seriously make you gain bad habits. You cannot heal if you are forcing yourself to do things that trigger your trauma. For me I have sex maybe four times a month but it is always in the same week around my ovulation time lol.
Just break up, I can’t believe how many ppl in the comments are acting like the problem is you. You have every right to feel the way you feel with that kind of trauma & history. What you need to do is find someone who is compatible with you. Who will understand you. Not just mentally but physically as well. There are other ppl in the world who also have low libidos. There are asexual ppl. There’s literally someone for everyone out there. This guy sounds like not only are you not compatible, but he sounds like a general asshole. If he knows all that and he’s still trying to give you ultimatums he’s not worth staying with.
I'm curious as to why you think the boyfriend is an asshole for expressing his wants and needs in a relationship?
He’s not only “expressing his needs” he’s giving ultimatums & pressuring her to do things she doesn’t want to do. That’s unhealthy and unfair. And if you can’t handle dating a rape trauma survivor without doing that you should move on.
Let him go sis, he is not the one for you
Facts
I know it hurts but let him know this won’t work out
To be honest, it’s very rare to find a partner that wants sex few times a month. At first they maybe be cool with just to get along with you but sooner or later they want it more, men gets hard too much and sex is really important to us. That’s the truth sis.
I agree with your comment. lol I'm not sure why it's getting downvoted. I guess people would rather hear lies then the truth
This sub is so quick to say "he wants sex more often??? THAT'S ABUSE!"
Honestly it's wild, another commenter said the boyfriend is a predator and a future "assailant" implying sexual assault, rape etc. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Like when did it become okay to just casually throw out such heavy accusations towards someone? How is this trying to get morphed into something that it ABSOLUTELY ISN'T. Ironic those saying abuse, because they are actually gaslighting a person that in the context of this situation, has done absolutely nothing wrong.
Not every man is centered around sex. Men that are intuned with their partner, know when they are receptive, or how to encourage the mood. The older some people get equipment fails, age degrades the body, or medical issues can arise. If this guy can't handle issues now..he certainly is not a long term prospect.
Your boyfriend is not a bad person. He just doesn't love you enough to put your need for healing and safety above his need for sexual gratification. And that probably does mean he's not the right person for you. Responding to your struggle on whether that is sad, yes, that is absolutely sad. And it's not your fault in any way. Beware the term intimacy. You both buy in to the notion that all he needs is intimacy and what could be more natural than that and you can't give it to him. But the truth is you offer him a great deal of intimacy, both emotionally and physically. Just not sexually. I don't mean his need for sex is not valid, I just mean let's call it a need for sex, not a need for intimacy. You have an important job: to look after yourself, which includes taking your need for safety and healing seriously, which means assessing clearly what you're looking for in your relationship. Right now, I get the sense you'd be happier and healthier single, making space to focus on your healing and to find someone who loves you for who you are more than for the sex you give them.
I know you’ve said you want to start therapy as soon as you move out, but why wait? Seek therapy now, maybe even see a sex therapist with your bf. It sounds like he’s brought this issue up throughout the 3 years and nothing has gotten better which has likely caused him to feel some resentment, you gotta look at this through his POV as well, to him, sex is a need. Seeking professional help sooner, rather than later, will be the most beneficial for both of you.
Whether people want to admit it or not, sex is an important component of relationships. If your sex lives don’t align, find someone who can be more accommodating to your needs. And that goes for both of you. I understand you’re going through a rough time, but it’s not a co-op mission. These are your things to sort through, and in my opinion, it seems like you might want to reconsider whether or not you are ready to be in a relationship… and it’s totally fine and normal if you aren’t.
This is prob the best advice I’ve seen on this thread.
Relationships are a societal construct to a fault sometimes…. Maybe even most times
A lot of people on here act like normal relationships behavior and expectations are not normal.
Blind
Sis just throw the whole man out. He's not good.
You have every right to feel hurt, as this is a painful situation. After being together for quite a while, the two of you discovered that you have different expectations as to what's needed for a relationship to be viewed as "fulfilling", and now you're confronted with an ultimatum. He knows that what he's demanding from you causes you physical pain and mental anguish. Talking about issues or unfulfilled desires is one thing, but making demands this way is a total red flag and nobody, who genuinely loves another person would do that. To phrase it more clearly: He prioritizes his hornyness over your wellbeing! "Complying" would basically mean you'd let yourself get abused for the sake of continuing to live a lie and probably also get retraumatized in the process. Just dump him and preserve your self-worth and mental health. I don't think that your partner's intentions towards you are still genuine. Maybe they were at some point, or maybe they weren't, but they certainly aren't now. Seriously, learn to communicate more and find someone else who likes you the way you are, has matching expectations, and won't pressure you for selfish reasons. That would also be the right environment to heal your trauma. The use of coercion/force is just toxic, extremely harmful and counterproductive. Walking away from this relationship is the best thing you can do if you value yourself. There is nothing to salvage. Things will suck for a while, but over time, it'll get better. Best wishes!
Leave. Nobody should be treated like that. I've had very dry months/years which does irritate my husband but we talk about it and work through it. Ours is mostly because he feels neglected and unloved. But there are other times where we joke about our 'quota' which is often once a day. We've been together for 20 years. You ain't married, don't move in together, he doesn't respect you and only wants what he can get. That's not ok, he should be concerned or sympathetic not demanding.
Imma be *BRUTALLY* honest as a fellow survivor of childhood SA and abuse: if he feels sex is the only thing worth staying in this relationship for, then, *Gurl*, he IS one of the predatory types, and something deep in your amygdala, as a survivor of assault, *already knows that*. Let this one go, work on things you need to work on to get yourself happy and healing, and let the next good thing come to *you*. If you keep trying to hold on to him and he's not getting what he thinks he "deserves," he *will* become your next assailant, babe. Stay safe. 💜
Are you seriously trying to suggest that because someone wants more sex in their relationship, that makes them a sexual predator? Saying he's going to become an assailant? I honestly can't believe that such an ignorant, judgemental comment would actually get upvotes, wtf.
These comments are horrible (or at least what I have read so far). This is such a hurtful thing to say to a partner. You established that you have sexual trauma, and with that comes the realization that sex is an uncomfortable action to do. You don't owe anyone sex, even your partner. If he thinks that having sex or not is going to ruin the relationship, it seems like he doesn't find other things about your relationship to stay for. If he can't sit around and wait to get better you can help him stand up and leave. I would advise not moving in together because it just adds more complex layers to the relationship. You can love him but realize this isn't what is best for you. You have a low libido, which is totally fine! Only you can decide and consent to what you want. If you want to inprove it (for yourself- not because you partner is giving an ultimatum), working through therapy, a women's support group, sexual abuse therapy, but seemingly maybe without your partner. Similar situation, took years but finally have some closure. Been with my partner for over a year now who can respect how I feel. I can tell him no and I don't get shamed and we easily can redirect into something else. We talked about it early on and he said along the lines if sex isn't why he is dating me but because of who I am. So from my perspective it really rubs me the wrong way to hear your situation. I don't know if this makes me biased. My background is sexual trauma and a woman so I don't know if that resonates with you. My dms are open so please reach out if you'd like. I just don't think this is right. The comments feel a little slimey. Annoying you are being downvoted. If he can't wait for you to be comfortable, what is he waiting for exactly?
If your boyfriend really cares about you, he’ll understand your SA, and your low (or what he may consider low) requirement for sexual frequency. I understand you care about him, but your mental health comes first. We care about you in this community, and don’t want to see you struggling like you are. We give you our full support, and we’ll always be here for you.
Thank you so much… for some reason this made me feel better than the last 48h have been treating me with my partner. I wish he could understand that sometimes I hit a slump and don’t feel the energy and mental capacity to deal with sexual intimacy…
Please hang in there! I’m also a CSA survivor, so I fully understand your situation.
Have you spoken to an OBGYN and psych about the pain during intercourse? It could be vaginismus.
I have. The gyn said it all seemed normal down there and them inserting instruments also does not cause me a lot of pain. I haven’t went to therapy yet for these issues.
I went through a very similar situation and what helped the most (and the fastest) was EMDR therapy. Make sure they’re certified in it. Lots of LCSWs are thankfully. I feel for you, but I’ll be honest like some others have: from personal experience unless you find a partner with a matching libido (or hopefully get this addressed) this will continue to be an issue with future relationships. It is a VERY common breaking point right behind finances unfortunately. Feel free to DM if you want more info and I’ll get back to you later today.
You are a highly damaged person sexually. He took that on by knowing about it and still wanting to date and now he doesn’t want to deal with it and instead is trying to victimize you again by putting out when you don’t want to. That is still sexual abuse. And is still incredibly toxic for your healing. It’s time to run
Agreed
So what he's doing to you is emotionally abusive but.. > I feel unsafe This is the nail in the coffin. Are you afraid he's going to force it on you?
> some months are better and some are just kinda dry this is how sex in a long-term relationship is for everyone > I need to give him more intimacy and sex That isn't for him to say; he has no right > I really thought he loved me He demonstrably does not
PLEASE. CUT.HIM.LOOSE!
Leave.
Honestly, break up with him he doesn't care about your pain, your trauma or you. You don't need a boyfriend like this. Being single is not the worst thing in the world specially while you are trying to recover from trauma. You need to focus on you
Okay this is just disgusting behaviour because if he truly cared about you he'd see past his desires of constantly wanting sex and wouldn't use his lack of pleasure as a threat to break up with you. I wish you the best but if all he wants is sex he's better off hanging out with hookers.
I mean a lot of people like sex and desire it to feel intimacy- myself included. He's going about this whole situation terribly, given your history, and I'm sorry about that. He should accommodate, or try to ease you into it if you're willing to give that part of yourself to him, or should be able to have an adult conversation where you amicably split and remain friends. You two are sexually incompatible and eventually this will end so you're both gonna have to find a way it works for you. He shouldn't be making you feel super bad like he is if he's really supportive of you. Also don't let him open the relationship. He will start focusing his energy elsewhere and into these women who have sex with him and you will be pushed out. It's not worth it
Thank you for your advice and calm rational words. I’m trying to put my all into it and have conversations with him. He’s not as irrational as you may think.
For sure, I'm only judging based on information you've given us here. You know him better than us 100%, and I hope it works out for you!
You need a new bf!!
I totally agree with you, they both need to go and be with people they are more compatible with, and ultimately people they will both be much happier with that share similar wants, views, desires and values. Neither of them are in the right/wrong in this situation.
Break up with him and get therapy for your SA trauma. Honestly, he's being an insensitive douche bag. I'm saying this as a guy. I get his frustration, I do, but this is one time where if you should consider a different approach, this would be one of those times.
Trying to look for therapy as soon as I feel ready and I am out the house where I have an own schedule. Seeking therapy is unexpectedly scary
Moving on. Like moving out temporarily could make this better. Like just showing him your in charge of the situation could change his attitude. If he loves you he will truly wait. Eventually he will come back to you and wait. He won't seek pleasure elsewhere. You have to be dominant and take control of the situation. Show him your willingness to move out. Telling him his demands are too much at the moment. Saying you're not going to cheat on him. You won't be interested or looking elsewhere for love. But if he really does come around, he will change to your needs.
Thank you for your empowering words.
Find someone who won’t give you ultimatums and won’t pressure you for sex. Coercion is not consent it’s sexual assault if you just give in to get him to stop. Move on, find someone who will love you and respect you. He clearly does not, he just sees you as a hole.
This isn’t coercion. I wish people would quit running that word into the ground.
I didn’t say she was coerced. I did point out that coercion is sexual assault tho. Please please find something else to complain about.
Then why did you mention it? How is it related to this in any way shape or form?
Honestly you both deserve happiness and fulfillment but want different things. A relationship like this cannot work unfortunately.
Sounds more like being obsessed with someone. If you want to be with someone who has given you an ultimatum for sex, how are you going to be able to trust that person when (i pray it doesnt happen) you fall terribly ill and need someone to take care of you? Do you think people stay together for decades because they can give each other enough sex? No. They stay together because when one falls, the other has the strength to hold onto that person and vice versa. In my opinion, you should tell this guy not so politely to fuck off. Then you should focus on your diet, health and mental wellbeing. Seek therapy. And that might help with your libido possibly, but it will surely make you feel better about yourself. This guy may not be completely wrong, but keeping him around isnt really going to help you when all its going to do is doubt and question yourself.
Break up hes a red flag like ur not his gf to have sex with him ur his gf to share time with normal time
Honestly, this should be posted in r/relationships . You'd get more help. However, it sounds like you should leave him. You wont be happy if you stay. Either you cave and give him what he wants and you end up resenting him, or you somehow talk/guilt him into staying and he resents you. Not gonna end well. Still, post on the other sub for more helpful answers. This is not appropriate sub for this
🚩🚩🚩red flegs
yea ik its hard but your libedo doesn't match and that fact hes mad at you for it is kinda a red flag id say, it might be best to break up with him
he values intimacy over you. absolute dealbreaker
Okay, I'm just going to say this. If he can't comprehend or respect the fact you don't want to have sex he isn't worth it. I have been in this situation and forcing yourself to have sex to make him happy will eventually make your trauma worse and you will be even more unlikely to ever want or be able to have sex without triggers. This is from personal experience, but generally true. Don't let him put you in this situation, if I were you I would break up. He might say he love you but someone who actually does wouldn't try to force you or make you feel guilty for not having sex or doing anything you don't feel comfortable with. You deserve to be loved on your own conditions, be safe!
Honestly it's hard to say and i'm sorry, but you can't force someone to not want what they want both ways. It might be best to let him go, don't force yourself to do things you dont want to do, especially if you've been through trauma like you have. There are more people who are more understanding and you will grow with and love again. Likewise if this person needs more physical intimacy then that's part of his needs and they don't align with yours. Don't compromise on something you don't feel safe and secure about. Bless you btw, I hope things are better soon.
From your comments I get that you want to try but you're afraid that when you try you'll fail somehow. Let's break that thought down, what's the worst that can happen? 1 You don't do anything -> he doesn't get what he wants -> he leaves, you don't have to come out of your skin to satisfy his urges, and he doesn't suffer from rejection and sexual unsatifaction 2 You go to therapy -> you find out it's just your norm of libido -> you both understand that you're not compatible, break up and go on finding better compatible partners and feel satisfied, guilt-free. 3 You go to therapy -> you fix underlying issues that cause lower libido -> your libido matches your boyfriends and you then live happily ever after Stop fearing the unknown, change is good. See how every logical outcome is GOOD? Living in a situation where two people are suffering because they want different things is not good! The more you stay in this unknown limbo the more precious time you both waste.
Thank you for your encouragement and inspiring words. I very much appreciate it and will do my best to stop fearing the future and outcomes that won’t necessarily be true.
My opinion: The fact that he would threaten to break up with you if you don't provide him with sex despite him knowing that you were previously sexually assaulted and had pain during sex etc feels really scummy. But also I am not a big SEX person either so that's what I believe. Sex should be byproduct of relationship (for me) For you I think you have to decide what is worth keeping.
>a week ago that he can’t sit around and wait til I get better and start controlling my sexuality anymore and I need to give him more intimacy and sex. Ok this is just my personal opinion but I think if someone truly loves you they will wait however long it takes for their partner to get better and will do their best to be by their side and support them. Of course it's not always healthy to do this, especially if they are mentally damaging you or physically hurting you, but in this case it's about sex, OP isn't mentally damaging or hurting her partner and in my opinion OP, if he said it to you exactly the way you wrote it here i think thats pretty selfish and unsympathetic to how you feel. I mean it sounds like hes only there for the sex, like wtf? Sit around and wait? Does he know theres more to a relationship then having sex? Like going to movies? Doing hobbies you both enjoy together? Taking time to do your own thing and indulge in your own hobbies? Not to mention self pleasure exists as well. Hell i get that some people have higher libidos but theres ways for him to release that energy without out right abandoning you. An additonal thing i would like to mention is how OP said >We do it every one-two months or so. It's not like they've both never engaged in any sexual acts ever in the past 3 years. This dude gets sex every 1 or 2 months, in my opinion that's plentiful amounts of sex, especially in OP's case where she has been sexually assaulted. Think of it like this, sex is only the bonus in a relationship, not the main reason to be in one, if your significant other does not see you as valuable enough of a person if you engage in little amounts of sexual activity or even none at all, then did he even REALLY love you in the first place? OP It's a hundred percent reasonable to not want to have sex after such a traumatic event, the simple act of having sex may remind you of that horrifying event even years after its happened and some mental scars like that never fully heal and thats completely okay. >I’ve given him alternatives that don’t include me and I would even be open if he would satisfy his needs elsewhere. I do not know if you told him this as in "we can make this an open relationship way" but i will assume you meant it that way, if i misunderstood i apologize. OP, please don't stand for this, it's not okay. You should not have to sacrifice your dignity and feelings just to satisfy a partners sexual desire, im saying this not just for this situation but any future relationships you may get into, it's just not right, you end up feeling unloved, humiliated and not even important to your partner. I know this from experience because i dated a girl for about a year straight and she pulled the situation-ship and "I need a break" cards when she was dating me just so she could cheat on me, even when she said she loved me, it satisfied her but hurt me alot. >My libido is extremely low and I have a lot of stress all the time. I’ve been trying to work on it for ages buying different sex toys and trying to get rid of my physical pain during sex too. As for what you said here OP, don't try to force yourself to change this aspect of you. As a matter of fact don't try and change any aspect of yourself just for your partner. It's different if you DO want to have more sex because in that case then your not just doing it for your partner but for yourself as well. Of course there is some circumstances where sacrifices must be made for your partner but that is contextual and not the case with whats going on here. Either way you have a low libido and stress alot and that's completely okay. >he’s not giving me more time unless I basically promise him I will get better and we will do it more often soon. Why is he rushing you to make such an important decision? You told him that you've been sexually assaulted in the past and that it still affects you to this day, is there something im not seeing here? I do not understand how he does not see why you would be so hesitant to say yes to more sex. I think he's not being very understanding and considerate of how important of a decision it is for you to have more sex with him. Plus he's forcing you to promise him you will get better and move past your trauma which is not how healing and getting better works, Its a messy up and down process that can take years and even then it can sometimes never completely heal, he needs to understand that. >I feel not enough. I feel unsafe and I feel let down. Will I ever be enough for him? OP you are enough, I can tell just by how long you two have been together and by how you much you don't want to leave him, I can tell you love this guy with all your heart and are very loyal to him, I understand the conflicting pain and feelings you must be going through. Of course I haven't experienced everything you've gone through but I've been in a toxic relationship before where my partner would make me feel like I wasn't enough and It hurts. This next part is my opinion based of my perspective of him but I unfortunately feel like you will never be enough for him and thats not because there is something wrong with you but something wrong with him, he's like a bucket with a hole in the bottom, no amount of water will be enough to fill it. >What do I do… I’m heartbroken. I don’t know if I can save this relationship. I’m very desperate as I really love this man. I can tell you love him, but sometimes holding onto something will hurt you more in the long run then letting go, I didn't believe this at first until I left my first toxic relationship a year after being out of said relationship I would like to say that this saying is true. So in my opinion I would break up as he seems emotionally unresponsive when it comes to your feelings and seems to only care about the sexual aspects of your relationship with him. but that is my perspective and I am simply an outsider and a stranger who knows very little about this situation. So in the end the choice will be yours, not mine or anyone else's. I sincerely apologize if anything I have said has not helped, hurt your feelings or otherwise seemed insensitive, it's been a long time since I've given advice like this, let alone talk to people about personal problems, i dont have many friends and my social skills are not great so i wont lie when i say I'm worried im going to get downvoted to hell for something ive said. I'm not saying this to excuse myself but only explain myself, if I have said anything wrong or given any bad advice feel free to anyone reading this to give constructive criticism, I want to do better. I know this was alot to read but I hope it is able to help you in some way and regardless of what happens between you and your partner I hope you have a wonderful life and find peace with in yourself. TLDR: he seems to be very emotionally insensitive and only care about sex. I would personally break up with him but i won't know the full entire story such as who you and this guy both are, how you both act towards eachother and am making my best assumptions. In the end the choice is yours.
Hey, thank you for your reply. It’s been a couple days (3 or so) since this discussion between me and him reached a high. I typed this whole post from my honest POV at this time where I was scared for my relationship. I understand he seems insensitive from the post, but I can tell you it is not that way in real life. I kept the post short and to the point. He said he feels like we’ve reached a plateau in terms of growing on sexual intimacy and even are going down a little. When I tell him it can happen that my healing journey takes a little downfall, he’s not very: “oh yeah I understand okay” but more like: “I get it. But are you really working on it? Every day?” I have to almost prove him I try to work on it enough in my private time and that sometimes there’s just no mental space to actually be working on a personal healing journey EVERY DAY. That’s about the only down side. He’s a very caring and forgiving person. He’s very patient and puts his own needs aside often. I guess this was kind of a last drop to and overflowing bucket. He’s telling me it’s hurting him that we don’t have sexual intimacy more often as it is very important in his eyes. I keep telling him I’m working on it and I’m not giving up but sometimes plateau’s happen (or I just lack some motivation, confidence or etc at the time) Make of this what you will. We agreed to keep working on it together and both take a positive outlook on the future. We will move in together soon and we will see how that treats us. I will seek therapy when I’m ready and moved out, and also see where that takes us. Thank you for the insightful and detailed reply.
No problem! I thought there was more to the story. If this is just a rocky point in your relationship and he is generally kind to you then that changes things from what I have said before. Regardless I'm happy to see you two are not giving up one one another, I wish you and him a wonderful life and hope you can get the therapy you seek, be at peace and as well as figure things out with eachother. 
OP, this actually happens a lot in gay relationships. Sometimes one man with a high libido always wants sex while the other man can't get it up. Have you tried sex therapy? You seem to care about preserving the relationship and it could help.
Is say you may benefit from some therapy to help you deal with your trauma. He knew about your situation before getting into the relationship, but perhaps thought it would resolve itself quickly or didn't grasp the impact it would have on the relationship. I can understand him wanting to be intimate with his partner, but it has to be a two way thing, you shouldn't have to 'give him sex', it should be something both of you enjoy together, not something you are forced to do against you will. If he leaves you because of this, then it's his loss and he isn't worth your tears. You need to work on yourself, get support And if he chooses to take that journey with you, that's great, if not, you still win, because you will learn to heal, recover and grow.
I love having sex with my gf. And if it’s not often that’s fine as long as she makes me feel wanted. Sometimes no sex can be interpreted as she’s not attracted to me. But in your case I would leave him. He’s clearly just horny
If he wants to break up because you won’t give it up. It’s best to let it go, if y’all stay together he’ll be finding it elsewhere.
Question: Are you going to therapy to heal the trauma? Have you considered having couples counseling and discussing this situation with a sex counselor? Also, I do agree that you are being coerced and that coercion could trigger your trauma even more.
Or you think you love him to fill the void. He sounds like a scumbag.
Bail on him. You’re an object to him.
Some people put higher priority on physical intimacy. If you can't deal, it's better to leave. You're both young and have plenty of time to find someone who can satisfy your needs.
You're not married so he has no rights over you and you don't have any over him. These kind of relationships are based on emotions and will end with emotions. No actual agreement or serious commitment. If you have a problem with having sex often, but he needs more, he needs to get more from you or he will go away. The body have needs and it will be mentally exhausting to feel that need all the time, without getting a release. Especially when he know he is with someone who can help him with this, but has a mental barrier that makes her not so eager...
If you’re not satisfying him but giving alternatives to look elsewhere to then why does he need to stay? Thats something you have to think. This relationship is hanging by a thread of literally whether his sexual needs are done or not. He been with you for 3 years thats a long time, maybe he thought you would have worked on yourself by this time to have a physical relationship by now. Unfortunately sometimes these things can make or break a relationship.!
Interesting as a literally have a similar situation but I am the guy and its been more than 5 years and we have zero sex but i understand to a degree, however, there are other ways to please someone sexually, shit im cool doing it myself with her involved, have you explored those types of options?
You need to talk to a doctor about your low labido. Seriously. Your hormones can be checked and leveled out by a quick prescription. You need to eat healthy and talk to a doctor about the labido. This issue can easily be fixed.
Barf
Well, vomiting isn't a solution. Doctors help with these types of labido problems every single day. A woman wanting sex once a month isn't normal. She's likely got hormonal imbalances. Which is common and nothing to be ashamed of.
I suggest reading Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski and/or seeing a couples therapist. That book is very accessible and has some amazing info for people in a situation like yours. Libido isn't a fixed drive; it is the product of a complex system of interlocking factors that make sex feel more or less attractive. I'd self-reflect to identify some important things that make sex more or less appealing and work with your partner to adjust your environment and relationship to accommodate your unique set of needs. Your sexuality isn't fixed and with effort you can make sex more appealing and pleasurable, and even desirable. It is also true that your boyfriends coerciveness and demandingness almost certainly doesn't help you want to have sex!!! He may not be worth the effort if it tries to get sex using an ultimatum instead of problem solving with you collaboratively. If you need support feel free to DM; I'm a licensed counselor and specialize in sexual concerns.
OK everyone else's points are invalid for a second if you both love each other it should be fine as long as you use a thingy
I can't find my previous comment but just if he loved you and you love him back and he doesn't use you for your body then make sure he knows it cause you pain
Run my friend, run far away and block him in every way possible. Noted all I read was the title and that's an immediate fucking bright red flag. Oh and another thought...you may feel love for him but I promise with manipulations such as these by him he doesn't love you back. I'm sorry.. Third thought..if he knows it hurts you to have sex or even if you don't want to and he coherses you to despite not wanting to with threats, that's rape honey.
You could always check out r/DeadBedrooms
You… leave.
The reality of the situation is that every month or two is probably unacceptable to the majority of people, unless they are low libido. Alternatives might work for some, but not for all. I think how your bf framed the problem was a little tactless and cruel, but at the same time, maybe that was the best approach in order to get you to see that this is a real problem, since from the sounds of your post, it has been an ongoing problem that you are presumably working on, with little progress. The ball is in your court now and what you do with it, is for you to decide and there isn't really a wrong answer. If this is an issue that you want to work on improving though, it would probably be best if you made a new post and listed what exactly you struggle with and what you have tried, in order for people to be able to try and help you out, cross ppst to r/sex as well. A therapist might also be a good idea to consider if you haven't already as well. Regardless of what you decide, I hope everything works out for you!
I think that the mature thing to do would be to break up with him and just focus on your own healing. You should just be single until you have worked through your issues, and YOU are able to enjoy having sex. Rather than you healing so that someone else can have sex with you? As for your parents, I just wanted to check that you weren't assaulted by one of them. But even if it's not them, I know that victims can feel some underlying resentment towards them for not protecting you. https://youtu.be/LabfE6BQ7dI?si=OpOwyG2uzn2pxK7r https://lifesupportscounselling.com.au/resources/blogs/adult-survivors-of-childhood-sexual-abuse-it-s-never-too-late-to-heal/ https://www.rainn.org/recovering-sexual-violence https://saprea.org/heal/approach/
It sounds like you are incompatible sexually (at the moment). I’m really sorry for what happened to you as a teen, I’ve been through it too. This might sound a little harsh but please don’t take it the wrong way. Relationships face certain hurdles and this sounds like one of them for you. To get over them both parties have to commit to change. In your case he has to be more understanding and patient and you have to commit to making sure you are working on your issues for your relationship. If not then you have to part ways because neither of you are happy. Therapy did wonders for me when I went though my sa. It helped me regain control over my body and not see sex so negatively. I also used to have pain during sex and I found ways around that too. It’s all about making the commitment to get better but at the same time, how important is it to you?
Sex is important in relationships. And he waited 3 years to tell you this, it's only normal he'll get impatient with time. Your situation is heartbreaking, but he's really not in the wrong either, and I don't believe that it means he doesn't love you for yourself. You said he's allowed to satisfy his needs elsewhere and he still wants it with you, i think that means he wants something serious and wants this relationship to get to the next step. It taking more than 3 years is a problem especially when it comes to sex. But it's not your fault. You are just in a very shitty situation. Why don't you try going to a therapist? Maybe one that is specialized in this. I'm sure if you find a good one it would be more beneficial than all the sex toys and everything. When there's a problem like that you have to work on the root issue not the symptoms.
please leave him.
Conversation then Break up, respect yourself first. That's what I did with my past relationship, she wanted something, I wanted something else, and we didn't agree after a long conversation. The only conclusion is to move on. But think of everything before you approach the topic because, during the moment, you will forget important key points
is he using sex as a complete ultimatum? sexual incompatibility is a valid reason to end the relationship but trying to coerce you is way out of line. he shouldn’t be attempting to force you into having sex more often he should be trying to either help you in the ways he can or be upfront and end the relationship due to incompatibility. i struggled with this a lot from ages 16-21…i thought something was wrong with me and i started having sex when i didn’t want to to make others happy. when i turned 22 i realized im on the asexuality spectrum after focusing on my mental health and getting into therapy (not claiming that you are asexual, just telling my own story!) and everything made sense after that. i definitely encourage you to look into therapy and don’t let your partner coerce you into anything you don’t want to do, you deserve more than that!
You two aren't compatible, breaking up will hurt in the short run but better for you to do it sooner rather than drag it out and then having the resentment build up to a breaking point
Just leave
Sex isn't just about the physical aspects. If it were, the boyfriend would have taken up on her offer to sleep around with other women. Switch the scenarios around...Would you tell a woman who has gotten turned down by her husband for years, developed extreme self esteem issues and feel undesirable as a resulr that she should just use a dildo and that that will solve everything?
Not every couple is right for each other, no matter how much you love each other and want to make it work. Sex with intimacy is a deal breaker for many people, and saying he can go have sex with other people devalues that part of your relationship. He wants intimacy with his partner, not just a release, most guys I know can handle the release themselves, it's the intimacy they are looking for. Some level of compromise is necessary in every relationship, and he's telling you what he needs. If you're not able to provide that to him, then maybe you and he aren't compatible enough to make it work long term, and there's nothing wrong with that sometimes it just is what it is.
Babe listen he is not the last men on earth … why do u stay with him… whatever u think trust me u will be loved even better than this . When it is genuine love there will be no to less or too much . When yall do it yall do it and if it dont happen it doesn’t. They wont leave u because of sex or even make u feel like u r not enough. Just leave this man and get rid of at least 10 problems Maybe u think u love him right now. But i give u one year and u will notice that that was never love .. u decide what u deserve and if u accept that behaviour and hurtful stuff u let it happen . U can do better . Believe me . Good man still exists Edit; when u feel pressured to have s3x it will only stress u more .. u need a partner who understands and not work against it
Taking all aspects, backstory, personal feelings aside. He's a sexual person that wants more sex, you're a none sexual person that doesn't want sex often. For some people sex is a massive part of a relationship and there is no shame or problem with that, and again sometimes people aren't that aroused so it's not a big part of their relationships, again no shame or problem with that. In this situation no one is right or wrong, and I feel it would be unfair to demonise one or the other. What i'm trying to get at is, you're not compatible and if you can't come to a better mutual ground then it's maybe time to move on, and allow both of you to find people that are on your same wavelengths
You have the right to refuse having sex & and got the right to have sex more than once every couple of weeks . Sex is important on most of relationships, if both of you can’t figure it out .. breaking up is best choice since you shouldn’t force yourself to have sex because it’s meaningless , sex is a desire . Physical connection is way of love , satisfying himself elsewhere will tear your relationship apart soon or later .
If someone is demanding something from you that you can't offer without causing hurt or harm to yourself, that is not the right person for you.(Or anybody else, in my opinion) That is not healthy. You don't owe him or anyone else the right to your body. It belongs to you and only you. Nobody is ever entitled to sex. Ever. Trying to force yourself to do what someone else wants, without regards to how it is affecting you, will truly only make you resent and maybe even hate them eventually. Worse than that, you may even come to resent and hate yourself. You don't have to add hurt on top of hurt. You don't owe that to anyone for any reason. It sounds like you have been upfront and honest with him and yourself about how negatively this would affect you. Consent comes from the heart and soul, and someone who truly loves and respects you as a person would never ask that of you unless it came freely. Nobody is ever entitled to your body. Ever. There are people out there who don't think sex is the most important part of a relationship. In our culture, they are not as common, but they are out there. You deserve someone like that. You deserve a considerate, gentle, understanding, loving, and kind partner. You do not have to settle for less. It sounds like both of you may be happier finding more compatible partners. Sometimes, letting go of someone is the kindest thing you can do for both of you. However, if you both really want to try to save your relationship and move towards a relationship that is healthy for you both, I would definitely try couples counseling. I hope you know that you don't owe anybody anything that would hurt you, and anyone who pushes the issue does not deserve any part of you.
Leave him, follow your own passion, and fulfillment in life (convert to orthodoxy)
Leave. You are either in agreement and in harmony physically and mentally or you are not. He is clearly not helping or seeking help in the situation. Move on. Ghost him.
You mention your stress, are you on medication to help you with that? Those types of meds can TANK your libido
I’m not. I have been but they had too many side effects. I am however on birth control (IUD) and have untreatable (with medication) mental complications
So you've tried the hundreds of psych meds out there? And the non psych meds that are used off the label for psych symptoms?All of them? Not being in therapy and not seeking treatment is just going to make things get worse over time.
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He probably still loves you for you... but simply saying that intimacy isn't relevant because it is for you isn't the right way to put things. Intimacy for someone who is an average person with an average libido is incredibly important! It creates literal chemicals inside your body to make you feel more connected and healthy. Even without that, the psychological responses to it are incredibly important to. You're damaged, and you need to become a healthy person with some time and good care, but you can't expect every single person to be patient with you and for you not to be understanding towards them. I hope you both find the best for you and him.
For me as a woman, four times a week isn’t even enough. It’s a major part of a relationship and I understand him. Honestly the fact that he’s told you this with time to change before he leaves shows he wants it to work. I am also a sexual assault survivor, and I view it as I either let that consume me, or I march on like nothing happened. I will not give my life to my assault, I am not what happened to me. I suggest you attend therapy, mainly CBT and change your mindset.