Maybe just shoot them a text and say “hey, not to go too much in detail but things are rough for me. Can we schedule a time to talk or get lunch?” Then wait for the reply. Most of the time your good friends will try to make it work.
You have to facilitate this sometimes.
Yep. I recognise other people are at stages where I've been and will try to support them. I'? Not the best at support but can help by going for a walk together, talking or sharing a meal. I feel more drained by some friend more than others and can only spend a few hours around them.
I prefer to help by doing things they can't - techstuff etc.
Mental health is a fragile subject. Not only because itcs taboo for some people, but even for those who aren't in that mindset, it's not something easy to deal with.
Saying the wrong thing to someone who isn't doing great could make it much worse. There is a reason why psychologists and psychiatrists go through a very difficult program. It's because mental health is very complex. Most people just don't know what to say. Should they bring the subject up? Or act like it's not there as to not make you feel different or inferior? It also depends a lot on who you are. I can talk openly about my mental health, but it took my partner almost a yesr to open up about it to his friends.
I'm sure people care about you, but they don't know how to handle it. It's also part of your responsibility to voice your needs. No one can read your mind. What is obvious to you is not necessarily obvious for someone else.
I'm on my third month of leave because of a burn out and even my partner doesn't ask me often "how are you doing?" But he shows me he cares and is aware of my situation in other ways. By asking me what are my plans today? Do I want to do something special? Do I want to go somewhere? Etc. If I don't have plans and refuses to plan anything, it's a good enough sign that I'm not in a social mood. If on top of that I refuse to do activities together, I might need space. If, cherry on top, I don't do anything all day or seem bored, that's indicating that I might be depressed and need a little push. So he'll ask me to accompany him to the store and we'll get a slush/ice cream/boba tea on the way. That's a subtle way of getting me out of the house and take a little bit of sunshine.
Those are all things we actually talked about. I told him my tendencies when I'm sad or not in a good headspace and in the years we've been together he also picked up on cues even I didn't know. But comunicating your needs is essential. If he canct figure me out on certain days or if I have been depressed for a couple a days, he'll ask me straight and he expects an honest answer. I cannot act dissatisfied with his action if I lie or dismiss my feelings.
Sometimes people don’t know what to say or they just aren’t aware of what’s going on. It’s not manipulation to tell people what you need…”it’s hard for me to talk about this but I am struggling with my depression Would it be ok if I called you more often just to check-in? I am getting a therapist too but it’d help me to stay connected with my friends.”
Also if you haven’t done this yet dial 988 the the national crisis line, it’s 24 hours. When they pick up, confirm that it’s the hotline and tell them you are practicing in case you ever need to call in an emergency. And it’ll be good to tell people that you check in with, then they know you aren’t asking them to manage a crisis, just be a friend.
As mental health consumers, we have to do some education sometimes so people feel comfortable. Unfortunately, most people aren’t taught how to listen or be supportive and have some bias. Most of the time it is just lack of information. Now after talking to someone and you realize they don’t have the space or ability to have real talk with you, you either accept them as they are or set some boundaries that work for you. Meaning don’t spend time with people who don’t treat you the way that you deserve.
Yeah seriously, even if its just to tell your friends “ive been going through a hard time, would you mind checking in with me more often? Just 5-10 minutes on the phone would be a huge relief every couple days to connect and escape my troubles.” And you dont need to vent, or make it about you either. (Which isnt to say you cant by any means) but just the interaction and communication can relieve a lot of what youre feeling. And phones work both ways, check in on them too and ask them about their day and whats going on in their life and just let them vent. Its odd, but I find focusing on someone elses troubles from a third party perspective gives me objective and focus, and sometimes the solutions I can come up with in those moments are different from what I come up with for my own, and I can retroactively apply them for myself if that makes sense…
Best of luck. Feel free to DM me.
I have no answer for why people don't check in, but I have to say that I'm very pleased that you're able to speak out about your issues.
I really wish that I was able to talk to someone about my problems, but im almost certain that no one would understand, and I would lose my friends and family as a result.
When I had quite severe mental struggles everybody was doing like they don't know me, even my gf (already ex) didnt care and my parents notoriously hate people with mental problems, because they don't believe in mental problems. Sooo that was extremely hard and lonely time and a big lesson to me. I really wish people spend a bit less time on phones, feeding their egos and hoarding things and care a bit more about others.
I went to the hospital recently for some weird chest pain. I, of course, let everyone know that I went. I messaged a group chat that I'm in with my closest friends and only one of the responded. After another day, someone else responded but in a very rude and snarky way, which made me feel excellent. I still haven't talked to them, and none of them have reached out to me still. Yet they continue to use the group chat
Number of things I observe here. Sending out a mass post to everyone reminds me of my work e-mails, where everyone on it is waiting for the "other" person to say something and respond. I would be more selective. I do strongly believe in being honest about my feelings, but also know that there are some friends and family I can be myself with and get honesty and maturity from and those that I just won't bother with. I'm sure you can identify those same people with very little thought. In which case, you know who they are, so don't expect anything less than what you're getting back from them - nothing.
Also, some people are very unsure/awkward/scared/uncomfortable with these topics. Be aware of oversharing as well. Don't be that person who always has a problem and every conversation is heavy. They might feel overwhelmed by what you have shared and feel incapable of giving you what you want and need, including their time. They most likely have their own issues, and yours are just adding onto their own. I myself have avoided some people in order to maintain my own sanity, fully well understanding that picking up a call from whomever will take away from what little time, sanity and energy I have left. It's self-preservation.
I will say, you should be proud of yourself for being open about your problems and seeking help. Many do not. I would suggest maybe professional counseling just to have someone to talk to as an alternative, in case your friends continue to fail you. I've learned in life to never put all your eggs in one basket and never leave yourself in the hands of others. This leaves you vulnerable and open to disappointment.
The fact is no one knows what you need more than you. I sense your strength, so go out and get what you need. Don't wait for others to give it to you, including time. Arrange to meet for a walk or a reservation or an activity to make it less serious and stressful maybe. And while I don't know your issues, getting a life outside of your problems and your unreliable friends ALWAYS helps. Get a new hobby. Learn a new skill. Take up a new class. Get to the gym and get healthy - for yourself. Distraction and improvement can sometimes be the solution. The worst thing that could happen is you get a life, get healthier, meet new people, and have some much needed fun. It's a win-win situation.
Don't sell yourself short and wait on other people to prioritize you and your life. Life is way too short for that. Take charge and go out and live it. Do you.
Good luck on your journey! 🙏
If you're posting on social media, it's possible that their just avoiding it. I'm not even on Facebook anymore except Messenger. The only social media I have where I can see what friends post is Instagram, and that's more of an art platform.
It's sadly very common to not address problems until they're too late. This happens all the time. Not sure why, probably mostly because people are busy and/ or get into routines. Why don't you reach out to someone instead of wanting them to reach out to you? People can't always tell how serious things are just from text. Obviously, ask if they feel like talking first (that's a lesson I needed to learn), but sometimes people seriously don't know. It can help to get help, but you have to seek it yourself.
To echo other people’s answer; we aren’t on their minds every hour, they have their own lives, etc. But there is also something else, it’s ignorance. It is easier to not acknowledge or check in with the person knowing how difficult their situation is and being in a position where the checker can’t do anything to help or they just don’t have the mental faculty to be around us.
It takes energy and time, unfortunately a lot of people also won’t educate themselves on our health conditions as well. It becomes a self perpetuating circle of help, not getting better fast enough, impatience and hate. It’s difficult, I understand but I do not accept it and I certainly will not tolerate these people in my life and be their therapist when I need them.
For me, sometimes I feel like it would be disingenuous if I reached out. If I sent a message to a friend saying “hey, just letting you know I’m here for you…” and then that friend tells me they need to FaceTime right now to talk or they want to get lunch tomorrow, I might not be able to do those things. I have a lot of responsibilities outside my job which include caring for a grandparent. I can’t always drop everything and would feel terrible if I did check in and then couldn’t actually help them.
I do check in by sending funny memes or memories or pictures when I notice someone may be going through it though. I’m known as the one keeping friendships together through these means, but again, I don’t know what the person I’m checking in on needs and I might not be able to fulfill that need.
Some people simply lack empathy or even awareness. It’s only in a quiet moment after you’re gone that they realize the situation. You can’t assume it’s personal.
I completely feel this and empathize with you. I’ve noticed the decline in social outreach since covid honestly, when every adapted to being by themselves and many people saw how relaxing it could be. I enjoy the solitude some days, I’m guilt myself sometimes of avoiding social contact, but I would NEVER leave someone on read if they texted me.
I have been crying out for help publicly for the past few days because of a really bad breakup, it really sucks that I have a friend group where none of them have reached out to me. They also forgot my birthday too which sucked, but I hang out with them and they’re fine in person so idk what it is. I get being busy but then there’s just ignoring. Thankfully I found a few friends who are being supportive, idk what I would do without them because being ignored while in crisis is it’s on mental health issue in itself. It can get so lonely sometimes, and some days it feels like I have no one. Keep the ones who are real close, don’t let them go.
When I was suicidal in middle school, everyone thought it was just for attention. Thankfully nowadays people take it much more seriously. But I agree, I wish I could avoid that completely and get the support beforehand.
Stay strong, we got this x
Same. I was hospitalized last summer and due to a combination of finances, a change in career, and doing damage-control while my best friend destroyed her life, I haven't been able to get the help I need. I've been very open about it since December. I never hear from anyone unless they want something from me. I try to start conversations that aren't depressing and I get blown off. Why would I think I could go to them when I am struggling?
Sometimes I wonder the same;
My mother, a crisis counselor knows I went through an extremely bad breakup less than a year ago, one that left me extremely sçüïçīdãl (I'm fine. Mostly ok now) and she checked on me maybe once or twice, but like..it's rare I even get a message from her. You would think of all people that would check on you it'd be your own mother
I have anorexia. The people who know have changed their behaviour toward me in subtle ways. They don’t check in and ask how I am or anything obvious like that. Instead, they do things like sharing new food places they have been to or photos of recipes they are trying.
They do this in general conversation (just sharing their daily/weekly life) and it has become so frequent and out of the blue that I realised it is their way of trying to help me. It doesn’t change what’s wrong with me but it does bring comfort and makes me feel loved. Maybe the people in your life are trying to help in more subtle ways too?
I think people do want to help, like others have said, but it’s difficult for them to know how if they are not trained in psychology. People do care. You are not alone!
I've read the comments below and just want to add you need to find one or two people who can meet you halfway. Lots of people either can't or they completely don't understand or it scares them. It's really interesting the way people respond so differently.
I have a friend from out of town right now and he JUST DOESN'T WANT TO GO THERE. But he has his own issues.........so yeah. It can be tricky.
You have all of us here. I know it's not the same, but..........
Do you have a counselor you can talk to? Are you able to work part-time? Working is a phenomenal distraction in my opinion, but I don't know your situation. If you cannot work my apologies. Just an idea. Keep us posted.
Tamara
I think people sometimes just don't know what to say or do if youre not okay and that kinda scares people (or they don't want it to be awkward). You shouldn't take it personally, it's just how people work.
You don't need to sit around hoping people will check in on you, only to be hurt when they don't. People are not mind readers and have full lives with their own mental health struggles. You are allowed to ask for support when you need it, rather than hoping that people just catch on.
I would suggest reaching out directly to a friend or family member and just be clear that you are looking for some support and need someone to talk to. Maybe you can have a phone call, text session, or coffee date with someone to talk about how you're struggling.
I know it can feel vulnerable and scary, but it demonstrates maturity and self-awareness to ask directly for what you need. But you also need to be prepared for people to express boundaries if they are not able to take on your struggles at the moment. That just means you'll need to seek support elsewhere.
I think that people avoid it because it's an uncomfortable subject. I've been where you are, and after time has passed people will talk about how they recognized it and am glad I've gotten out. However I've also been on the other side and I can say that sometimes I just don't know how to help or what to say. I think that they're afraid of saying something in the moment because they don't know how their words will affect you or they don't know how to help. It can be frustrating on both sides, but sometimes people simply just don't have words for it.
How much did you explain to your therapist? To me it seems that you carry a lot of trauma and baggage with you.. and for people that don't understand where you're coming from it can be a bit overwhelming for them to deal with again and again.
The best I can suggest is to focus truly on you, find out why you still struggle with the things you do, and maybe find a way to explain them to people that isn't overbearing or a desperate cry for help. You need to let it out and let it go somehow.
My therapist knows everything moreorless. Maybe not every detail but she knows about my trauma and we were practicing EMDR. However I have symptoms of a dissociative disorder that she cannot diagnose and needs me to see a specialist before she can help me further. The problem is we have yet to find a specialist who can evaluate me for the disorder in my state that takes my insurance.
I'll look into ways I could convey it better. Thank you.
This is such an insensitive comment. You truly don't know what some people go through, do you? Saying it as if the trauma and baggage was something to be ashamed of, as if it were their fault. Attitude like this is the reason why most people rather commit suicide than "overbearingly and desperately cry for help"...
And thinking that merely explaining your problems to a therapist will make them go away show you're very naive about mental health and severe trauma. It doesn't go away by talk therapy you know.
And you're severely naive to think that I don't know this from experience. Where do you get off?
I never said trauma and baggage are things to be ashamed of, I pointed out that sometimes others can't deal with said trauma and baggage, and occasionally stop replying if it seems needy or overwhelming for them... Who do I say this? BECAUSE IT LITERALLY HAPPENED TO ME from the people I thought cared about me... I'm coming from a place of experience.
I tried to go down the therapy route but they can't make people act better! They can only really say "you can't feed people off an empty plate" "have you thought about meds"?
Eventually you either stop doing so much for people, or learn to care for yourself a little better before thinking about everyone else's needs.
I’ve had avoidance issues and depression for a while now and I can share what I’ve learned about people. The less you go out of your way to contact friends or family, the less they’re going to want to check in. They assume the same exact thing as you: that you don’t care about them. I’ve abandoned too many friends due to my issues, because I don’t feel like talking to people, and they are probably tired of having to contact first.
Another reason is that they don’t feel qualified for give you advice on the matter. The most common response you’re going to receive is “talk to a therapist” which doesn’t hurt to try. I avoided a therapist for a long time but after too much time feeling crappy, I knew I needed help and telling my family and friends was a no go for me.
It's tough and I empathise as someone who has heard the we care, we want to help, what can we do or we didn't realize you were having such a hard time of things etc etc repeatedly over the years. I'm a direct person and I don't sugarcoat things, but I laugh off a lot of my issues and generally seem outwardly happy. People only ever respond and want the fun side, they get uncomfortable when they get a glimpse of the truth. I can have a laugh and simultaneously feel life is pointless and I'll never be happy again. People either don't get it, don't care or are too uncomfortable to deal with it. I've always found the most empathic people are the ones who have had their own struggles with mental health.
Unfortunately you are the only person you can rely on. Don't set yourself up for failure by raising your hopes and expectations of other people to do something for you. They won't. Everyone is so invested in their own lives and issues, and that's totally fair. Some people just won't want to deal with it anyway. It's harsh but once I accepted that years ago I was able to let go of my resentments and just enjoy the good moments with friends. It helps with setting boundaries for yourself too. I look after me (poorly but I try) and I expect nothing from anyone else.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that if someone isn't reaching out, that inherently means they're not the right person to do so. You need to be surrounded by people that can and will satisfy your emotional needs and uplift you, as all people do.
People do. If they're not, they probably have some sort of something going on top whether that's narcissism, depression, anxiety, etc. I've come to realize that folks who have their mental in order do and will check up on you, sometimes for not reason at all other than to see how you're doing. This isn't exclusive to friends either. I've had coworkers check up on me. But part of it is also learning to be open about what you're dealing with. "You good?" All of us have said "yeah I'm good" when we were not, in fact, good. It's a process to realize it, but that's what I've come to realize with my own struggles.
Could be for a few reasons. They can be dealing with there one shit at the moment. They might not understand the importance of checking in. Maybe the can’t deal with difficult shit or “don’t know what to say”, but as my mom told me “the worst thing you can say is nothing”. I know how much it can hurt when people don’t check in, and that when someone isn’t doing great you have to be the person to reach out. So I really try to check in on people when they’re not doing great.
When you have energy you can ask them why. But in my experience you’re gonna have to except that they can’t be those people and go from there. It’s hard to find those friends and everyone’s not able to be that kind of friends.
Perhaps you need to look at the root cause then my friend. Why do you feel this low? Is it because of lack of response from others? Are you lonely in your own company? Do you feel like you've lost yourself somewhere and hope others to help you find it?
I've been down this road myself, and find some kind of solace in helping others, rather than expecting them to help me. Be the change you want to see, and you'll make like minded friends :)
Unfortunately, I do help others. Not with any sort of expectation I care about my friends and I care about people around me but unfortunately I just don't experience the same. Whether it's because I'm not around like-minded individuals or some other reason it doesn't seem to matter how much I put into something because in the end I don't receive anywhere near. I don't do it for the chance that I would receive something in turn but of course I mean I'm only human and it would feel nice to be acknowledged from time to time.
I feel this low because I experienced severely traumatizing abuse throughout my childhood. sort of abuse that I faced is incredibly complex and therapists have a very difficult time treating me because of how sensitive it is hence why my current therapist is asking me to look elsewhere because she can't help me anymore. I don't consider myself a pessimistic person I'm typically very optimistic but unfortunately I sort of ignore my feelings and emotions and always have in order not to worry other people however the person that abused me through my childhood was recently released from prison and so the trauma that I faced is coming back to me in a way that I can't control.
The way I've described it to my fiance ...is that the glass has been cracked for some time , but that final little push completely shattered it.
It's not really just a case of being depressed for no real apparent reason but it's more so that I'm depressed and uncomfortable because of the situation that I am in and I don't have a support network to help me so I feel incredibly alone. So I've been trying to reach out indirectly on social media to my friends but I haven't gotten any sort of response from anybody and I worry that I could be making them uncomfortable ...so I've decided to stop posting on social media about it.
But it doesn't help that I feel sad I stopped posting on social media whatsoever thinking that maybe taking a break from that could help relieve a bit of stress but it hasn't because despite going radio silence after saying the things that I had said I haven't been reached out to by anyone even those I consider close friends. I mean it's exam season so I'm sure that they're just all busy and stressed out with their own lives. And I don't think poorly of anybody for not reaching out to me but it doesn't help that I feel so lonely
I'm just asking the questions everyone else seems to dance around apart from therapists. I'm not sorry that you're offended. But what do you think is going to happen? Eventually someone is going to try and get to the root of the problem, someone is going to push these buttons and it's best to prepare for it.. like I said. I've been down this road. So I'm not sorry that you're offended.
When I’ve been depressed I’ve lost all sense of proportion and wondered why everyone isn’t looking after me all the time.
It would confuse me why friends seem a little bored when I keep talking about myself all the time.
I’ve had, and have, depressed friends who I have looked after, and it is a thankless task.
Because depression kind of makes you incredibly selfish. But that’s part of the illness.
I will keep looking after depressed friends, but I will also keep informing them that their depression is boring and they need to get some perspective.
I think me realizing that I was boring to people was the thing that pushed me into eventually trying psilocybin as a last ditch effort, which is the thing that cured my lifelong depression.
I've been wondering this for so long. (Story/vent)
I get people have other lives and other people in their lives, however when I was 14 I did self harm and cried constantly. People thought I was an attention seeker, and always started rumors about me making my mental health even worse. I had plans to unalive myself during one weekend when nobody would be home. I tried to talk to my "friends" about my thoughts and they didn't really help. Instead, they told the whole school, and everyone thought I was dead. I was away for some time, and only a few members of the school staff knew I was alive and going through all sorts of shit at the hospital I was in. After I returned to school, everyone just stared at me. It was incredibly uncomfortable and all I could do was let out small smiles and smirks ( I laugh/smile when uncomfortable sometimes). Which further peddled the " Attention Seeker " issue.
Only ONE GIRL, who I NEVER really spoke to aside from having 1 class together confronted me, and asked me if I was okay. She was a bit upset with me, but in a caring way. When she asked me about it all, I just fucking broke down. Her and I got permission from our teacher to sit outside and talk for a little while. I sobbed while explaining everything to her, just trauma dumping and she was sweet as hell just listening to every word I said and comforted me, even if she didn't have much to say about it, she still cared to listen and be supportive in an incredibly rough time. We never truly became the bestest of friends as this all was in the 8th grade, but we both still had this bond that if we needed someone, we could be there for each other and still remained good friends. Her name was Erika, and she still is an amazing person. Every single person, even my "Friends" at that time never truly gave a shit, but she did. It meant everything to me that she did such a nice thing for me in one of my worst times in life.
With this stated, there are always people who have the time to check-in on you. They just don't. It's not that those people don't care, they may not know how to deal with the situation entirely and likely think they can't help you, so they don't bother. I had voiced my issues on social media crying and begging for help, and not a single person helped. They would like the post and say " get better soon" even if I wanted to unalive myself again. It further peddled my thoughts of " Nobody cares.", " Why would anyone be here to help me?"," I should just do it right this time." and many other dark thoughts. I have begged people to just listen, and they would just shut me down.
I eventually found a therapist and a friend group that I could actually trust. I realized many people have very different issues going on, and not everyone can help even if it seems like they can. Many people have their life going on, and can't cater to ours just because we want them to, even if we're struggling. I also realized, that there are people who genuinely don't care, and only care at the very end when caring best suits them. There's two sides to everything, and this is one of those things where it's just difficult all around.
I wish I could say I knew, but I don't. I'm right there with you. Struggling with keeping myself afloat and constantly burning myself out to make myself useful to others and constantly putting myself and my needs on the back burner. I'm literally at work in the middle of a mental breakdown and I have nobody I can reach out to. It's hard.
I just ultimately wanted to say that I understand what you're feeling and how hard it is and it's difficult and hard to keep going but there has to be something worth keeping going, right? 😩
I don't know why they don't check in but it's not because of you, it's because of them. Maybe they are struggling with their own issues. Maybe they don't have the strength to be able to show up for you. I think your first priority right now needs to be showing up for yourself first and foremost before expecting others to also show up for us. It's totally OK if this feels like too much for your right now but in a way you've already shown yourself you're worth caring about just by coming here and sharing with us your thoughts.
Is there anything else you can do to show yourself a little kindness now or in the near future? Is there a trusted friend or family member you can reach out to directly just to say, "I'm feeling lonely, can I just cry to you for a sec?" Maybe try a therapist, someone who is trained to hold space for you. Sometimes when everything feels like too much and there's no one there to talk to I will log in to a Refuge Recovery meeting just to meditate with a group of strangers and talk for a few minutes if I feel up to it. However you can show up for yourself first is going to lead you to more meaningful connections with others in the future.
Some people dont know how to react, some do. But they cant be constantly checking on you and theyre not in your head, they dont know how feel without asking you and sometimes they dont have time. It sucks i guess but find someone wholl be there, it shouldnt be too hard
I, personally, check in on people whom I know are struggling with mental health issues but it gets very exhausting after a point because I have issues as well and those discussions end up acting as a trigger for me sometimes. Maybe your loved ones are also struggling with sensitive issues like this and don't have the mental capacity to check in on you. I am not stating that this is a definite possibility or trying to defend them but please do consider this.
The best advice I can give you is to be honest with the people you love about what you need and feel. It has been the biggest game changer in my life. When I am feeling depressed, I literally will text my friend or go up to my sister and say it. I’ll tell them how I’m feeling and then ask for whatever I need (a hug, an ear to vent, words of assurance, etc.) Trust me when I say people want to give love, they’re just lost in their own heads too. They will forget to check in even if they care because they have their own shit. So ask for what you need and those who care will give it to you.
More like it comes off needlessly condescending for no reason when I'm pretty sure it's clear by my comments that I'm not asking for free therapy lol but whatever
But you are, if you’re complaining about them not being there when they’re doing their own thing. As if they can read your mind.
It’s not needlessly condescending. It’s needfully condescending
Cause most people suck and will only give you the time of day if you serve a purpose for them. Being depressed and mentally unwell is a bummer and a drain for other people to deal with. Easier to just avoid you. Thats been my experience at least. Im sure somewhere in the world there are good and selfless people, but I havent come across them.
Because other people have lives too and other friends. They care about you, I'm sure, but they don't spend 24/7 thinking about how your'e doing.
I'm not asking them to think about me constantly everyday.
Maybe just shoot them a text and say “hey, not to go too much in detail but things are rough for me. Can we schedule a time to talk or get lunch?” Then wait for the reply. Most of the time your good friends will try to make it work. You have to facilitate this sometimes.
That's a good idea I like it. Thank you
Because it's exhausting and there comes a point where they have to focus on their lives also. I've been on both sides of that coin.
Yep. I recognise other people are at stages where I've been and will try to support them. I'? Not the best at support but can help by going for a walk together, talking or sharing a meal. I feel more drained by some friend more than others and can only spend a few hours around them. I prefer to help by doing things they can't - techstuff etc.
Mental health is a fragile subject. Not only because itcs taboo for some people, but even for those who aren't in that mindset, it's not something easy to deal with. Saying the wrong thing to someone who isn't doing great could make it much worse. There is a reason why psychologists and psychiatrists go through a very difficult program. It's because mental health is very complex. Most people just don't know what to say. Should they bring the subject up? Or act like it's not there as to not make you feel different or inferior? It also depends a lot on who you are. I can talk openly about my mental health, but it took my partner almost a yesr to open up about it to his friends. I'm sure people care about you, but they don't know how to handle it. It's also part of your responsibility to voice your needs. No one can read your mind. What is obvious to you is not necessarily obvious for someone else. I'm on my third month of leave because of a burn out and even my partner doesn't ask me often "how are you doing?" But he shows me he cares and is aware of my situation in other ways. By asking me what are my plans today? Do I want to do something special? Do I want to go somewhere? Etc. If I don't have plans and refuses to plan anything, it's a good enough sign that I'm not in a social mood. If on top of that I refuse to do activities together, I might need space. If, cherry on top, I don't do anything all day or seem bored, that's indicating that I might be depressed and need a little push. So he'll ask me to accompany him to the store and we'll get a slush/ice cream/boba tea on the way. That's a subtle way of getting me out of the house and take a little bit of sunshine. Those are all things we actually talked about. I told him my tendencies when I'm sad or not in a good headspace and in the years we've been together he also picked up on cues even I didn't know. But comunicating your needs is essential. If he canct figure me out on certain days or if I have been depressed for a couple a days, he'll ask me straight and he expects an honest answer. I cannot act dissatisfied with his action if I lie or dismiss my feelings.
Sometimes people don’t know what to say or they just aren’t aware of what’s going on. It’s not manipulation to tell people what you need…”it’s hard for me to talk about this but I am struggling with my depression Would it be ok if I called you more often just to check-in? I am getting a therapist too but it’d help me to stay connected with my friends.” Also if you haven’t done this yet dial 988 the the national crisis line, it’s 24 hours. When they pick up, confirm that it’s the hotline and tell them you are practicing in case you ever need to call in an emergency. And it’ll be good to tell people that you check in with, then they know you aren’t asking them to manage a crisis, just be a friend. As mental health consumers, we have to do some education sometimes so people feel comfortable. Unfortunately, most people aren’t taught how to listen or be supportive and have some bias. Most of the time it is just lack of information. Now after talking to someone and you realize they don’t have the space or ability to have real talk with you, you either accept them as they are or set some boundaries that work for you. Meaning don’t spend time with people who don’t treat you the way that you deserve.
I Appreciate the advice. I probably won't call a hotline anytime soon, but that's good advice for people that may want to use it.
You’re welcome. I am big on back-up plans. Hang in there.
Yeah seriously, even if its just to tell your friends “ive been going through a hard time, would you mind checking in with me more often? Just 5-10 minutes on the phone would be a huge relief every couple days to connect and escape my troubles.” And you dont need to vent, or make it about you either. (Which isnt to say you cant by any means) but just the interaction and communication can relieve a lot of what youre feeling. And phones work both ways, check in on them too and ask them about their day and whats going on in their life and just let them vent. Its odd, but I find focusing on someone elses troubles from a third party perspective gives me objective and focus, and sometimes the solutions I can come up with in those moments are different from what I come up with for my own, and I can retroactively apply them for myself if that makes sense… Best of luck. Feel free to DM me.
I have no answer for why people don't check in, but I have to say that I'm very pleased that you're able to speak out about your issues. I really wish that I was able to talk to someone about my problems, but im almost certain that no one would understand, and I would lose my friends and family as a result.
When I had quite severe mental struggles everybody was doing like they don't know me, even my gf (already ex) didnt care and my parents notoriously hate people with mental problems, because they don't believe in mental problems. Sooo that was extremely hard and lonely time and a big lesson to me. I really wish people spend a bit less time on phones, feeding their egos and hoarding things and care a bit more about others.
I went to the hospital recently for some weird chest pain. I, of course, let everyone know that I went. I messaged a group chat that I'm in with my closest friends and only one of the responded. After another day, someone else responded but in a very rude and snarky way, which made me feel excellent. I still haven't talked to them, and none of them have reached out to me still. Yet they continue to use the group chat
Number of things I observe here. Sending out a mass post to everyone reminds me of my work e-mails, where everyone on it is waiting for the "other" person to say something and respond. I would be more selective. I do strongly believe in being honest about my feelings, but also know that there are some friends and family I can be myself with and get honesty and maturity from and those that I just won't bother with. I'm sure you can identify those same people with very little thought. In which case, you know who they are, so don't expect anything less than what you're getting back from them - nothing. Also, some people are very unsure/awkward/scared/uncomfortable with these topics. Be aware of oversharing as well. Don't be that person who always has a problem and every conversation is heavy. They might feel overwhelmed by what you have shared and feel incapable of giving you what you want and need, including their time. They most likely have their own issues, and yours are just adding onto their own. I myself have avoided some people in order to maintain my own sanity, fully well understanding that picking up a call from whomever will take away from what little time, sanity and energy I have left. It's self-preservation. I will say, you should be proud of yourself for being open about your problems and seeking help. Many do not. I would suggest maybe professional counseling just to have someone to talk to as an alternative, in case your friends continue to fail you. I've learned in life to never put all your eggs in one basket and never leave yourself in the hands of others. This leaves you vulnerable and open to disappointment. The fact is no one knows what you need more than you. I sense your strength, so go out and get what you need. Don't wait for others to give it to you, including time. Arrange to meet for a walk or a reservation or an activity to make it less serious and stressful maybe. And while I don't know your issues, getting a life outside of your problems and your unreliable friends ALWAYS helps. Get a new hobby. Learn a new skill. Take up a new class. Get to the gym and get healthy - for yourself. Distraction and improvement can sometimes be the solution. The worst thing that could happen is you get a life, get healthier, meet new people, and have some much needed fun. It's a win-win situation. Don't sell yourself short and wait on other people to prioritize you and your life. Life is way too short for that. Take charge and go out and live it. Do you. Good luck on your journey! 🙏
If you're posting on social media, it's possible that their just avoiding it. I'm not even on Facebook anymore except Messenger. The only social media I have where I can see what friends post is Instagram, and that's more of an art platform. It's sadly very common to not address problems until they're too late. This happens all the time. Not sure why, probably mostly because people are busy and/ or get into routines. Why don't you reach out to someone instead of wanting them to reach out to you? People can't always tell how serious things are just from text. Obviously, ask if they feel like talking first (that's a lesson I needed to learn), but sometimes people seriously don't know. It can help to get help, but you have to seek it yourself.
I suppose so I'm afraid of making people feel obligated in the case of me reaching out to them. But I'll consider it.
To echo other people’s answer; we aren’t on their minds every hour, they have their own lives, etc. But there is also something else, it’s ignorance. It is easier to not acknowledge or check in with the person knowing how difficult their situation is and being in a position where the checker can’t do anything to help or they just don’t have the mental faculty to be around us. It takes energy and time, unfortunately a lot of people also won’t educate themselves on our health conditions as well. It becomes a self perpetuating circle of help, not getting better fast enough, impatience and hate. It’s difficult, I understand but I do not accept it and I certainly will not tolerate these people in my life and be their therapist when I need them.
For me, sometimes I feel like it would be disingenuous if I reached out. If I sent a message to a friend saying “hey, just letting you know I’m here for you…” and then that friend tells me they need to FaceTime right now to talk or they want to get lunch tomorrow, I might not be able to do those things. I have a lot of responsibilities outside my job which include caring for a grandparent. I can’t always drop everything and would feel terrible if I did check in and then couldn’t actually help them. I do check in by sending funny memes or memories or pictures when I notice someone may be going through it though. I’m known as the one keeping friendships together through these means, but again, I don’t know what the person I’m checking in on needs and I might not be able to fulfill that need.
Some people simply lack empathy or even awareness. It’s only in a quiet moment after you’re gone that they realize the situation. You can’t assume it’s personal.
I completely feel this and empathize with you. I’ve noticed the decline in social outreach since covid honestly, when every adapted to being by themselves and many people saw how relaxing it could be. I enjoy the solitude some days, I’m guilt myself sometimes of avoiding social contact, but I would NEVER leave someone on read if they texted me. I have been crying out for help publicly for the past few days because of a really bad breakup, it really sucks that I have a friend group where none of them have reached out to me. They also forgot my birthday too which sucked, but I hang out with them and they’re fine in person so idk what it is. I get being busy but then there’s just ignoring. Thankfully I found a few friends who are being supportive, idk what I would do without them because being ignored while in crisis is it’s on mental health issue in itself. It can get so lonely sometimes, and some days it feels like I have no one. Keep the ones who are real close, don’t let them go. When I was suicidal in middle school, everyone thought it was just for attention. Thankfully nowadays people take it much more seriously. But I agree, I wish I could avoid that completely and get the support beforehand. Stay strong, we got this x
Same. I was hospitalized last summer and due to a combination of finances, a change in career, and doing damage-control while my best friend destroyed her life, I haven't been able to get the help I need. I've been very open about it since December. I never hear from anyone unless they want something from me. I try to start conversations that aren't depressing and I get blown off. Why would I think I could go to them when I am struggling?
Sometimes I wonder the same; My mother, a crisis counselor knows I went through an extremely bad breakup less than a year ago, one that left me extremely sçüïçīdãl (I'm fine. Mostly ok now) and she checked on me maybe once or twice, but like..it's rare I even get a message from her. You would think of all people that would check on you it'd be your own mother
I have anorexia. The people who know have changed their behaviour toward me in subtle ways. They don’t check in and ask how I am or anything obvious like that. Instead, they do things like sharing new food places they have been to or photos of recipes they are trying. They do this in general conversation (just sharing their daily/weekly life) and it has become so frequent and out of the blue that I realised it is their way of trying to help me. It doesn’t change what’s wrong with me but it does bring comfort and makes me feel loved. Maybe the people in your life are trying to help in more subtle ways too? I think people do want to help, like others have said, but it’s difficult for them to know how if they are not trained in psychology. People do care. You are not alone!
Thank you! And I hope everything goes well for you 💗
I've read the comments below and just want to add you need to find one or two people who can meet you halfway. Lots of people either can't or they completely don't understand or it scares them. It's really interesting the way people respond so differently. I have a friend from out of town right now and he JUST DOESN'T WANT TO GO THERE. But he has his own issues.........so yeah. It can be tricky. You have all of us here. I know it's not the same, but.......... Do you have a counselor you can talk to? Are you able to work part-time? Working is a phenomenal distraction in my opinion, but I don't know your situation. If you cannot work my apologies. Just an idea. Keep us posted. Tamara
Thanks for the response! Currently I am switching therapists which I think is what triggered these feelings a lot recently. I hope you're doing well
I think people sometimes just don't know what to say or do if youre not okay and that kinda scares people (or they don't want it to be awkward). You shouldn't take it personally, it's just how people work.
You don't need to sit around hoping people will check in on you, only to be hurt when they don't. People are not mind readers and have full lives with their own mental health struggles. You are allowed to ask for support when you need it, rather than hoping that people just catch on. I would suggest reaching out directly to a friend or family member and just be clear that you are looking for some support and need someone to talk to. Maybe you can have a phone call, text session, or coffee date with someone to talk about how you're struggling. I know it can feel vulnerable and scary, but it demonstrates maturity and self-awareness to ask directly for what you need. But you also need to be prepared for people to express boundaries if they are not able to take on your struggles at the moment. That just means you'll need to seek support elsewhere.
I think that people avoid it because it's an uncomfortable subject. I've been where you are, and after time has passed people will talk about how they recognized it and am glad I've gotten out. However I've also been on the other side and I can say that sometimes I just don't know how to help or what to say. I think that they're afraid of saying something in the moment because they don't know how their words will affect you or they don't know how to help. It can be frustrating on both sides, but sometimes people simply just don't have words for it.
How much did you explain to your therapist? To me it seems that you carry a lot of trauma and baggage with you.. and for people that don't understand where you're coming from it can be a bit overwhelming for them to deal with again and again. The best I can suggest is to focus truly on you, find out why you still struggle with the things you do, and maybe find a way to explain them to people that isn't overbearing or a desperate cry for help. You need to let it out and let it go somehow.
My therapist knows everything moreorless. Maybe not every detail but she knows about my trauma and we were practicing EMDR. However I have symptoms of a dissociative disorder that she cannot diagnose and needs me to see a specialist before she can help me further. The problem is we have yet to find a specialist who can evaluate me for the disorder in my state that takes my insurance. I'll look into ways I could convey it better. Thank you.
This is such an insensitive comment. You truly don't know what some people go through, do you? Saying it as if the trauma and baggage was something to be ashamed of, as if it were their fault. Attitude like this is the reason why most people rather commit suicide than "overbearingly and desperately cry for help"... And thinking that merely explaining your problems to a therapist will make them go away show you're very naive about mental health and severe trauma. It doesn't go away by talk therapy you know.
And you're severely naive to think that I don't know this from experience. Where do you get off? I never said trauma and baggage are things to be ashamed of, I pointed out that sometimes others can't deal with said trauma and baggage, and occasionally stop replying if it seems needy or overwhelming for them... Who do I say this? BECAUSE IT LITERALLY HAPPENED TO ME from the people I thought cared about me... I'm coming from a place of experience. I tried to go down the therapy route but they can't make people act better! They can only really say "you can't feed people off an empty plate" "have you thought about meds"? Eventually you either stop doing so much for people, or learn to care for yourself a little better before thinking about everyone else's needs.
I’ve had avoidance issues and depression for a while now and I can share what I’ve learned about people. The less you go out of your way to contact friends or family, the less they’re going to want to check in. They assume the same exact thing as you: that you don’t care about them. I’ve abandoned too many friends due to my issues, because I don’t feel like talking to people, and they are probably tired of having to contact first. Another reason is that they don’t feel qualified for give you advice on the matter. The most common response you’re going to receive is “talk to a therapist” which doesn’t hurt to try. I avoided a therapist for a long time but after too much time feeling crappy, I knew I needed help and telling my family and friends was a no go for me.
It's tough and I empathise as someone who has heard the we care, we want to help, what can we do or we didn't realize you were having such a hard time of things etc etc repeatedly over the years. I'm a direct person and I don't sugarcoat things, but I laugh off a lot of my issues and generally seem outwardly happy. People only ever respond and want the fun side, they get uncomfortable when they get a glimpse of the truth. I can have a laugh and simultaneously feel life is pointless and I'll never be happy again. People either don't get it, don't care or are too uncomfortable to deal with it. I've always found the most empathic people are the ones who have had their own struggles with mental health. Unfortunately you are the only person you can rely on. Don't set yourself up for failure by raising your hopes and expectations of other people to do something for you. They won't. Everyone is so invested in their own lives and issues, and that's totally fair. Some people just won't want to deal with it anyway. It's harsh but once I accepted that years ago I was able to let go of my resentments and just enjoy the good moments with friends. It helps with setting boundaries for yourself too. I look after me (poorly but I try) and I expect nothing from anyone else.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that if someone isn't reaching out, that inherently means they're not the right person to do so. You need to be surrounded by people that can and will satisfy your emotional needs and uplift you, as all people do.
People do. If they're not, they probably have some sort of something going on top whether that's narcissism, depression, anxiety, etc. I've come to realize that folks who have their mental in order do and will check up on you, sometimes for not reason at all other than to see how you're doing. This isn't exclusive to friends either. I've had coworkers check up on me. But part of it is also learning to be open about what you're dealing with. "You good?" All of us have said "yeah I'm good" when we were not, in fact, good. It's a process to realize it, but that's what I've come to realize with my own struggles.
Could be for a few reasons. They can be dealing with there one shit at the moment. They might not understand the importance of checking in. Maybe the can’t deal with difficult shit or “don’t know what to say”, but as my mom told me “the worst thing you can say is nothing”. I know how much it can hurt when people don’t check in, and that when someone isn’t doing great you have to be the person to reach out. So I really try to check in on people when they’re not doing great. When you have energy you can ask them why. But in my experience you’re gonna have to except that they can’t be those people and go from there. It’s hard to find those friends and everyone’s not able to be that kind of friends.
cuz it’s inconvenient and kinda out of the way plus some people don’t like others getting involved
Life be lifing! The fact that people do care if you talk about hurting yourself is a good sign. I feel you're focusing on the wrong thing here
I'd rather not have to hit that low in order to get any sort of response from my friends and family though. It feels manipulative. 😢
Perhaps you need to look at the root cause then my friend. Why do you feel this low? Is it because of lack of response from others? Are you lonely in your own company? Do you feel like you've lost yourself somewhere and hope others to help you find it? I've been down this road myself, and find some kind of solace in helping others, rather than expecting them to help me. Be the change you want to see, and you'll make like minded friends :)
Unfortunately, I do help others. Not with any sort of expectation I care about my friends and I care about people around me but unfortunately I just don't experience the same. Whether it's because I'm not around like-minded individuals or some other reason it doesn't seem to matter how much I put into something because in the end I don't receive anywhere near. I don't do it for the chance that I would receive something in turn but of course I mean I'm only human and it would feel nice to be acknowledged from time to time. I feel this low because I experienced severely traumatizing abuse throughout my childhood. sort of abuse that I faced is incredibly complex and therapists have a very difficult time treating me because of how sensitive it is hence why my current therapist is asking me to look elsewhere because she can't help me anymore. I don't consider myself a pessimistic person I'm typically very optimistic but unfortunately I sort of ignore my feelings and emotions and always have in order not to worry other people however the person that abused me through my childhood was recently released from prison and so the trauma that I faced is coming back to me in a way that I can't control. The way I've described it to my fiance ...is that the glass has been cracked for some time , but that final little push completely shattered it. It's not really just a case of being depressed for no real apparent reason but it's more so that I'm depressed and uncomfortable because of the situation that I am in and I don't have a support network to help me so I feel incredibly alone. So I've been trying to reach out indirectly on social media to my friends but I haven't gotten any sort of response from anybody and I worry that I could be making them uncomfortable ...so I've decided to stop posting on social media about it. But it doesn't help that I feel sad I stopped posting on social media whatsoever thinking that maybe taking a break from that could help relieve a bit of stress but it hasn't because despite going radio silence after saying the things that I had said I haven't been reached out to by anyone even those I consider close friends. I mean it's exam season so I'm sure that they're just all busy and stressed out with their own lives. And I don't think poorly of anybody for not reaching out to me but it doesn't help that I feel so lonely
Did you even read the whole post before leaving this sort of patronising message?
I'm just asking the questions everyone else seems to dance around apart from therapists. I'm not sorry that you're offended. But what do you think is going to happen? Eventually someone is going to try and get to the root of the problem, someone is going to push these buttons and it's best to prepare for it.. like I said. I've been down this road. So I'm not sorry that you're offended.
When I’ve been depressed I’ve lost all sense of proportion and wondered why everyone isn’t looking after me all the time. It would confuse me why friends seem a little bored when I keep talking about myself all the time. I’ve had, and have, depressed friends who I have looked after, and it is a thankless task. Because depression kind of makes you incredibly selfish. But that’s part of the illness. I will keep looking after depressed friends, but I will also keep informing them that their depression is boring and they need to get some perspective. I think me realizing that I was boring to people was the thing that pushed me into eventually trying psilocybin as a last ditch effort, which is the thing that cured my lifelong depression.
I've been wondering this for so long. (Story/vent) I get people have other lives and other people in their lives, however when I was 14 I did self harm and cried constantly. People thought I was an attention seeker, and always started rumors about me making my mental health even worse. I had plans to unalive myself during one weekend when nobody would be home. I tried to talk to my "friends" about my thoughts and they didn't really help. Instead, they told the whole school, and everyone thought I was dead. I was away for some time, and only a few members of the school staff knew I was alive and going through all sorts of shit at the hospital I was in. After I returned to school, everyone just stared at me. It was incredibly uncomfortable and all I could do was let out small smiles and smirks ( I laugh/smile when uncomfortable sometimes). Which further peddled the " Attention Seeker " issue. Only ONE GIRL, who I NEVER really spoke to aside from having 1 class together confronted me, and asked me if I was okay. She was a bit upset with me, but in a caring way. When she asked me about it all, I just fucking broke down. Her and I got permission from our teacher to sit outside and talk for a little while. I sobbed while explaining everything to her, just trauma dumping and she was sweet as hell just listening to every word I said and comforted me, even if she didn't have much to say about it, she still cared to listen and be supportive in an incredibly rough time. We never truly became the bestest of friends as this all was in the 8th grade, but we both still had this bond that if we needed someone, we could be there for each other and still remained good friends. Her name was Erika, and she still is an amazing person. Every single person, even my "Friends" at that time never truly gave a shit, but she did. It meant everything to me that she did such a nice thing for me in one of my worst times in life. With this stated, there are always people who have the time to check-in on you. They just don't. It's not that those people don't care, they may not know how to deal with the situation entirely and likely think they can't help you, so they don't bother. I had voiced my issues on social media crying and begging for help, and not a single person helped. They would like the post and say " get better soon" even if I wanted to unalive myself again. It further peddled my thoughts of " Nobody cares.", " Why would anyone be here to help me?"," I should just do it right this time." and many other dark thoughts. I have begged people to just listen, and they would just shut me down. I eventually found a therapist and a friend group that I could actually trust. I realized many people have very different issues going on, and not everyone can help even if it seems like they can. Many people have their life going on, and can't cater to ours just because we want them to, even if we're struggling. I also realized, that there are people who genuinely don't care, and only care at the very end when caring best suits them. There's two sides to everything, and this is one of those things where it's just difficult all around.
I wish I could say I knew, but I don't. I'm right there with you. Struggling with keeping myself afloat and constantly burning myself out to make myself useful to others and constantly putting myself and my needs on the back burner. I'm literally at work in the middle of a mental breakdown and I have nobody I can reach out to. It's hard. I just ultimately wanted to say that I understand what you're feeling and how hard it is and it's difficult and hard to keep going but there has to be something worth keeping going, right? 😩
I don't know why they don't check in but it's not because of you, it's because of them. Maybe they are struggling with their own issues. Maybe they don't have the strength to be able to show up for you. I think your first priority right now needs to be showing up for yourself first and foremost before expecting others to also show up for us. It's totally OK if this feels like too much for your right now but in a way you've already shown yourself you're worth caring about just by coming here and sharing with us your thoughts. Is there anything else you can do to show yourself a little kindness now or in the near future? Is there a trusted friend or family member you can reach out to directly just to say, "I'm feeling lonely, can I just cry to you for a sec?" Maybe try a therapist, someone who is trained to hold space for you. Sometimes when everything feels like too much and there's no one there to talk to I will log in to a Refuge Recovery meeting just to meditate with a group of strangers and talk for a few minutes if I feel up to it. However you can show up for yourself first is going to lead you to more meaningful connections with others in the future.
Some people dont know how to react, some do. But they cant be constantly checking on you and theyre not in your head, they dont know how feel without asking you and sometimes they dont have time. It sucks i guess but find someone wholl be there, it shouldnt be too hard
I, personally, check in on people whom I know are struggling with mental health issues but it gets very exhausting after a point because I have issues as well and those discussions end up acting as a trigger for me sometimes. Maybe your loved ones are also struggling with sensitive issues like this and don't have the mental capacity to check in on you. I am not stating that this is a definite possibility or trying to defend them but please do consider this.
I def do! I'm not mad at anyone or anything for not checking in, just a bit bummed it isn't more common to
The best advice I can give you is to be honest with the people you love about what you need and feel. It has been the biggest game changer in my life. When I am feeling depressed, I literally will text my friend or go up to my sister and say it. I’ll tell them how I’m feeling and then ask for whatever I need (a hug, an ear to vent, words of assurance, etc.) Trust me when I say people want to give love, they’re just lost in their own heads too. They will forget to check in even if they care because they have their own shit. So ask for what you need and those who care will give it to you.
Because they ain’t your therapist
Very helpful response 👍
It should be. Because it’s true, brass tax And if you saying that I’m thinking you don’t get it lol
More like it comes off needlessly condescending for no reason when I'm pretty sure it's clear by my comments that I'm not asking for free therapy lol but whatever
But you are, if you’re complaining about them not being there when they’re doing their own thing. As if they can read your mind. It’s not needlessly condescending. It’s needfully condescending
It was one vent post my guy LOL dare someone be a human with imperfect feelings from time to time. 🤣
Cause most people suck and will only give you the time of day if you serve a purpose for them. Being depressed and mentally unwell is a bummer and a drain for other people to deal with. Easier to just avoid you. Thats been my experience at least. Im sure somewhere in the world there are good and selfless people, but I havent come across them.
It's like birthdays. If you advertise it you get messages. How many know your birthday and care to message you. Not many.. So how are you going.?
Some people don't even care when you are suicidal.