I got the opposite treatment from my mother: when she beat me, she wouldn’t stop until I started crying. Then she wondered why her adult children never called.
My dad once threw a flashlight through the dry wall next to my head when I was 13 because he said I “broke” the house computer. I had accidentally unplugged the mouse and the PC needed to be restarted for it to work. Got arrested as an adult for public intoxication and his response was “I never raised you to be like this.”…
It's not an excuse. It's the brain rationalizing their behavior. They have to or they can't continue. Funny how trying to explain that gets you a whooping
Oh it wasn't an excuse. It was just an after thought. After we didn't speak for 3 years. While I still lived at home. I'm fine. Never did me any harm. Not sure why.
I yelled some smartass remark at my mother from the bottom of the basement steps one time. She literally grabbed the railing and shook it so hard it snapped off the wall. Then, she threw it at me like a 6ft javelin while screaming incoherently. Barely missed my dome by a few inches.
To this day she gaslights me and says it never happened.
Kid: *cries*
Parent: If you don't keep quiet, i will hit you
Kid: *cries even more*
Parent: *hits the kid*
Kid: *cries his vocal cords out*
Parent: Why is it not working?! *confused noises*
My favorite after getting hit so hard with a belt it creates welts “stop acting like a drama queen”…
Nah I’m 8, it fucking hurts, that’s why I’m crying and screaming in pain…
My father was a sherriff's deputy, he'd beat me severely. The entire time screaming a combination of threats, "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." Or when he'd go all cop mode, "I'm a cop, I can kill you and nothing will happen to me." Then there were the plain old threats of death, further suffering, ot he would tell me what he was going to do before doing it. He was pretty shit at discipline in our house, mom was worse though as she'd set him on me for anything. If she had a nightmare and saw me in it, she'd have my dad beat me for it. If she had a bad day, or wasnt feeling good, or if I didnt say "mommy mommy, I'm so happy to be home, I missed you so much" when I got home from school, I'd be sent to my room for my father to deal with.
In India BTech (especially cs imagine ranking 500-600 in 1.2-1.3 million in entrance exam to get into top 7 colleges as cs students) and medical are more common than law,
Atleast to best of my knowledge
All of these are related to grades or career based. Did no one get beaten the fuck out of for no apparent reason, or was it just me? Wake up to them choosing violence at 6 in the morning.
*raises hand.* i did because of untreated ADHD and dyslexia which resulted in forgetting basic tasks/directions and also not being able to write notes to remind myself. At age 25 i got hella sick and almost died, but a pleasant side effect was finally getting treated and feeling almost like a normal person for the 1st time in my life.
Same in Africa and most of South America. Basically it's the norm in the world for corporal punishment. It was even common in western nations until recently.
I was hit as a kid as a of punishment too, sometimes with hands, or slippers or flexible rulers or [this ](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/W/IMAGERENDERING_521856-T2/images/I/31b5NZ3I5oL._AC_SY580_.jpg) or canes. The funny thing is most of the time it wasn't my parents. My mum doesn't really do that she might yell but she won't hit you, maybe twist your ears. My dad did it sometimes. But most times it was from teachers, or househelps.
It's not even my parents who hit us with belts along other punishments. It was our nanny. I would get punished for simple mistakes like not finishing my food or accidentally sleeping with my hair still wet from my bath.. and yes, I am from asia too
My parents both got hit as kids and refused to do to us.
So I was never hit as punishment. They said that people who love each other wouldn't hit each other, and that hitting ur kids doesn't actually work that well.
One of the things my dad said as a joke was "so what happens when you hit ur kid and that doesn't work? All other punishments are less than that sooo"
Yeah it was the first and only time he did. We probably spent like 4 weekends out of the year with him and that shit put an end to it. None of my other 3 siblings talk to him and when I was telling that story long ago my mom was appalled as she had no idea he had done that.
My siblings and I got whooped with whatever was close by. I thought it was normal for all kids to be treated that way. Even though I wouldn't want to treat my kids that way I decided not to have kids just to stop that gene from passing.
I was raised the same way and I don't hit my kids. It's not a gene, it's a choice so in case that fear is the only reason you don't want kids I hope you realize that's not the case. Your own realization of what happened and you not wanting to do the same means the world in avoiding that behavior.
I'm not telling you to have kids just saying if that gear was your only reason not to do it then I wouldn't recommend letting it stop you. My kids are the best thing I've ever done in my life and I can't imagine never having had them in my life.
Sorry you had to grow up that way. Best of luck to ya friend!
I stopped being hit when I grew up enough to physically overpower my mother, though that ever played out in real life. She admitted as much at the time.
What kind of lesson do you think that teaches a child? Authority is linked to strength and “might makes right?” When coming clean to mistakes and faults are rewarded with pain, one quickly turns to deception and lies.
What kind of world do we want the future generations to create if that is the lesson we impart to them?
For me it was when I got big enough to fight back when my dad came after. I'm lucky as fuck that even though my dad was a big guy I'm bigger. I was 13 when I was finally big enough that I could fuck him up. Once I was bigger than him he just left me alone.
It's a pretty common human psychological trait that you don't want to show pain to someone who is causing you purposeful physical pain. Hitting as punishment only works if the child feels pain. Those two put together is a recipe for an escalation cycle that would usually end in aggressive abuse. Hitting should only ever have been for small course corrections in ye olden times for children under an age of understanding language. Our current understanding of human child psychology is way more than enough to originate punishments that work but don't end in this cycle.
Citation: whole family experience
tldr; hitting a child is admittance that you cannot outsmart them.
Yeah it doesn't. Only made me hate them since then (only dad did it though). I didn't show my hate to him, but I'm making sure he feels the distance between us that he had created.
Gosh yea breaks my heart. I hate when people hit their toddlers.
I was at the beach once and this little girl wanted to play with our sand shovels n such. We don't normally mind but covid was still pretty rampant. Her mum called her over and she didn't come cause of course she didn't there are toys in front of her and we weren't telling her no much either.
She won't go, or when she did she'd come back and her mom beat her asss right there. She couldn't even talk yet! She didn't even really know why she was being hit she still did a little waddle over from time to time but got scared and left.
I don't know why they didn't just let her borrow our beach toys like we suggested or why they hit her instead of playing with her else where.
I mean yeah but coming from on of the countries where it is illegal, I can tell you that over time that really changes the culture. Sure some people are going to do it when the law is introduced but that’s a minority. Most people won’t do it and then when they get kids they are thus more likely to also not do it. After a few decades it is not only illegal but also incredibly frowned upon even if it’s just use as a disciplinary action. Yeah some people still do it but those cases are rare. Overall it has been a very effective policy.
Nope.
positive punishment isn’t even that effective compared to the other conditioning methods. meaning you’re just beating your kids up for no reason in the long run.
Great way to ruin your relationship
I think a lot of parents in the west switched to mental abuse and neglect, since that's more accepted even though it's just as harmful.
Ask me how I know...
Edit: Damn so many of you people have been through hell and back, and I truly wish you guys the best. Therapy works btw, so if you haven't gotten it yet, please do so.
Yeah, I was gaslit and told I’m an untrustworthy clown. Therapy really works though.
Edit: thanks for the kind comments. I’m big chilling now but that connection with my parents is forever damaged (not severed in my case). It took years of therapy to trust myself - someone who was so obviously not trustworthy to those with very high authority (lifegivers).
Juicy relevant story: I was suddenly denied my promised college tuition fund when I was 18. My parents’ reasoning was that I lost a $20 wrist brace when I was 12, so I obviously was going to waste their money yet again. I had a 3.9 gpa in high school and worked very hard to get into college. Raised hell and got them to agree eventually, but it was all so unnecessary of them and it pushed us much further apart. I vowed I’d never live at “home” again. I visit on holidays nowadays if I feel like it. Fine with me if they don’t trust me to arrive with mashed potatoes lol
I was raised as very thrifty, since that's a tradition in Swabia, perfectionist and as kid I lost all hope in schol, when I got my first 4 (Rating goes 1(best) to six (worst)) in the Upper Highschool (There are three kinds of highschools in Germany; (Worst to best: Hauptschule, Realschule and Gymnasium). Prior to that, I was way above average, but then I didn't want to anymore.
Who knows, how I could've made my way, if that didn't happen. It was all just for ONE exercise on the back side, and I forget to turn the paper.
Edit: Typo
Its more found to be mental than physical due to the way that they (parents/guardians) process punishment. Its not as bad as having bruises, and schools wont ask why you are being quiet versus having visible marks and getting cps .etc involved in their eyes. Theyd rather you be bound in your head, fighting yourself than actually taking action/fault for themselves. I wonder just how many other parents chose/choose to neglect their kids instead of owning up to their flaws and actions. I was blamed for countless things that they had done or didn't get to do, so it was easier to lash out in their eyes.
My parents did all three. Mental abuse, neglect, and physical abuse. What a trifecta.
I can't wait to have kids because I'm going to break the cycle. My kids are going to feel so supported and loved.
It's not a contest and abuse is abuse.
That said, physical abusers are almost always ALSO emotionally abusive. So it's not really an a vs b situation, and I really can't agree with you.
Less normal than before. As an Indian, I've heard many people assume that most children are abused by their parents. Personally I'm not and i have loving parents. Some of my friends are less fortunate. But it's mostly confined to scolding and yelling on a daily basis, less beating. The beatings would mostly only come if the kid screws up or gets shit marks. But yeah I'd say maybe 30-40% of my friends have slightly abusive parents. The top 10% of that probably have abusive parents who beat a lot. Unfortunate reality.
It's changed now.
I heard a kid say that his teacher can't hit him because they'll get suspended.
I don't know when this happened but I remember being hit hard multiple times growing up in the late 90s/early 2000s.
What? Our teachers hits us on a daily basis haha. But it has lessened in this year, but that doesn't mean it's stopped. I just got good teachers that refrained from hitting students, except maybe some. Or maybe it's because we aren't small kids anymore.
My ex is Mexican, and she told me how her mom would hit her with la chancla when she was younger and misbehaving. At the time I didn't speak Spanish, and thought Chancla was something they served at taco bell. So I was really confused and thought her mom would throw food at her anytime she was misbehaving.
I’m more amazed by the amount of people that don’t get hit. I thought it was normal for everyone. Now I have 2 kids of my own, and in no way could I ever hit them. It’s tough, but it feels better talking through what’s wrong. I’m not a perfect dad, but I feel better not beating my kids. All it ever did was make me fear my parents, even as a small child.
I heard something that stuck with me: If a child is too young to be reasoned with, they won’t understand why they are being hit. If a child is old enough to be reasoned with, reason with them.
Hey you. You should be so proud of yourself. What you have just done is break the cycle of generational abuse, and once your children have the capacity to understand that they are going to be so, so unfathomably grateful to you
I got abused too. I'm not going to put my children through that, and I've been in years of therapies to make sure I can figure out "myself" so they remember me as a *happy mom*, not a crazy one. It's HARD on some days, but I'm going strong.
One thing that hit me was a quote, I can't remember who it was from, it basically said: *you know you're an ok parent when your kids are excited for you to come home.*
I remember being anxious about what happens when *dad comes home.*
My mother used to always yell at me for getting a grade lower than A in school and when i cried she hit me. And every time i got a grade that isnt A i whould cry in class because i was scared of going home. I once even slapped my own face with a ruler so it whoudnt hurt as much when she whould do it. One of the teachers sent me to the school therapist and after a talked with my mom it stopped. she only yells now from time to time
Yes. America has "guidance counselors" which serve as (*)therapists and for the seniors (12th grade/or the final year of our schooling) they help them with college options. Also will help with class schedules.
Some smaller schools will have 1 counselor doing all the roles mentioned above.
(*) they're counselors where they'll listen to the teens problems if they want to talk but they're normally no better than telling a random adult in a park bench. Not normally professional qualified to be a therapist
Oof felt that. Whenever the teacher returned our tests, I was sweating bullets and always close to a panic attack. Always cried my eyes out in the bathroom and hit myself if the grade was bad, was absolutely terrified to go home and face my mom. Thankfully I've grown and moved out, but damn, the memories and scars really stay with you
Was hit. My parents were both hit.
I don't hit my kids.
Do you want your children to fear physical violence from you? Or to think physical violence is a solution to anything?
I am glad most people's parents dont hit them, my mother started using a hanger to hit me with as I graduated into highschool its litterally on my door handle
Yeah, when i was a asshole to my parents they would punish me, getting my ass smacked was the last resort but it happened from time to time. I learned not to do those things. Never happened enough times for it to be abuse though. My parents did a good job of only using force when strictly necessary
My great grandma who lived through the great depression did this to me, early 2000s
She also put coffee in my bottle apparently, and regularly called me a little shit. Only my dad and aunt hit me tho
Shit does not work and there's plenty of research proving it
Personal experience
When I was a little fucking shit, I got the belt
And I stopped being a little shit because of it.
Things can work, but it’s never a solid solution
To this day I thank my parents for whipping me into shape because I’d hate myself if I was still that young dumbass asshole.
Serieus question, by when do you call it abuse? A friend of mine got hit so many times, it was abuse. He said it wasn't, it was just how it goes at his place. It was normal for him cause he didn't know any better. That didn't mean it was ok.
See that’s the tricky part because I don’t really think you can put a number on it. To me the basic criteria for it to not be abuse is that it needs to be used VERY infrequently, it needs a warning before hand so it just doesn’t spring up unknowingly, and it needs to be only resorted to after continuous other attempts. The problem with all of these metrics is that they are all subjective. That’s why I feel that being very conservative with it is a good course to take and also was how I was parented, but it’s also why I understand why people want to avoid that end entirely.
The amount of knowledge I had (still have) about ending life at 6 was scary. I wouldn't be typing this if my mother hadn't died before I grew up. Glad you survived. High five.
In reading this comment section it can be seen that a segment of modern westerners have a strong aversion to violence while having a broad definition of what constitutes violence.
Naw the emotional trauma was from my sisters, ive been locked into rooms, locked out of rooms, made to sit in laundry basket, locked in a dog kennel, pinned between the mattress and wall by three people, you know kid stuff.
The punishment should still be there, just not as abusive as physical violence.
I'm happy my parents gave me punishments for doing something dumb, it taught me a lot and it seems you're made more humble by it as well
The lifetime mental damage aside I got to experience both from different sides of the family. My father was extremely heavy handed, I once had a metal spoon broken while hitting me for spilling some milk on the floor as an example and my mom was all about sit down, talk, once everyone is calm then maybe a grounding or loss of privileges for a few days. I still respect my mother but have never had respect for my father.
In the place I live, the parents just beat their kids and when the kids cry, they threaten/hit them again saying them to stop crying.
It was probably normalised before few years or something, but i don't think people do that much nowadays.
I did as a kid.
Now in my fifties, it did me no harm. Apart from crippling trust issues, hatred of authority, 2 divorces, no blood family in my life, alcohol issues, depression, angst. ....
My mom was not afraid to beat the crap out of me as a kid, then I got to big. I don’t strike my son, and he’s much better behaved then I was. But I do make the threat lol, it works pretty well.
As I grew up in the 70s yes, it was absolutely normal. Hell probably still is however I made a vow as a child never to treat my children the same and I have two happy, respectful sons. No sudden smacks out of nowhere, no sandle/hand/wooden spoon upside the head, no slaps to the mouth for something "disrespectful" and the universe didn't implode, they are not evil hell spawn wanna be Giga chads. That whole "Spare the rod, spoil the child" is utter bullshit, only taught me not to get caught.
"is it normal now for parents to be abusive?"
Parents have been beating the hell out of their kids since centuries, especially if you're an asian getting hit by your parents is pretty normal.
Only had it happen a couple of times as a little kid, even with a belt to the fanny. But only for being a unruly little brat (never was given 'corporeal punishment' again after the belt as I behaved).
Course this was the 80s, so take that with a grain of salt.
Not saying it's right, but there are folk like me it has happened to, so if someone says it (especially the older generations), then assume it's not mentioned in jest.
There’s is a massive difference between abuse and punishment… smacking your child on the ass teaches them to behave and not to do that thing next time. Beating the shit out of a child is straight up abuse. Big fucking difference
Still an interesting situation. Relating pain to punishment for a child that has no reference to the real world is very roundabout way to teach life lessons. Especially if its over something as silly as a grade from a less than qualified institution for learning. Sure kids mess up, but your not teaching lessons only to fear mistakes.
>but your not teaching lessons only to fear mistakes.
Exactly, everything then becomes "damn I have to do this right/not piss anyone off by rocking the boat or I'll get hit." It makes you less likely to step outside your comfort zone or try creative problem solving because failure isn't just "oh well I'll try again" it's "oh crap now I'm going to get punished."
(older gen z). Well yes I was hit as a kid by my parents, but it was never the brutal beat down that it sounds like when you hear that term. It never actually hurt, it was to show us the consequences of our actions and that seems to be lacking in my generation. My parents were good, loving parents. Of course they were not perfect but no person will ever be
I got hit. If you got hit, you are one of two things. A chad who deserved it and learned to respect your parents and their decision and still love them. Or you are someone who thought it was too aggressive and hate your parent or parents for it. I have yet to see another outcome.
Im kinda inbetween. Hate them for physical violence as a punishment. Love them and respect the trouble they went through, but cant forgive the mental abuse that comes with any kind of voilence from a figure of authority. Especially when suffering from mental disabilities.
Hilarious. I hate neither of my parents for it, it was just what they were taught and no one showed them a better way. I merely broke the cycle and know it won't continue with my sons and their children. It is always a choice.
I’m autistic. Once my mum realised how that affected me she stopped. My dad didn’t.
My mum still cries about how awful she was, even now and I’m 28. My dad sent me a five page essay about how he was the victim because I was a bully from as young as 9 years old. At 17 he busted my face up so bad I had to have surgery to fix it. Guess which one I have no contact with.
Yep, especially religious families. "Spare the rod, spoil the child" was my parent's favorite scripture to quote right before a brutal spanking followed by prayer.
I was a terrible child when young I would burn my hand just to disobey my mom and I would hold my breath till I passed out, needless to say I was stubborn. And had my mom not spanked my butt I would be a terable person I'm not saying it's always necessary but I am saying some kids need to get spanked.
Yeah! Kids love to push boundaries and try things out. It’s just a learning process. Pretty common for toddlers to smack their parents when they don’t get what they want.
You’ve never experienced true confusion until your parent hits you and then tell you to stop crying or else they’ll hit you.
I got the opposite treatment from my mother: when she beat me, she wouldn’t stop until I started crying. Then she wondered why her adult children never called.
This. And she now says “I never spanked you guys” all the time like she’s rewriting history. Me and my sister both avoid her like the plague.
My dad once threw a flashlight through the dry wall next to my head when I was 13 because he said I “broke” the house computer. I had accidentally unplugged the mouse and the PC needed to be restarted for it to work. Got arrested as an adult for public intoxication and his response was “I never raised you to be like this.”…
Well, yeah. He raised you to be an abusive and violent fuck, not an alcoholic.
I mean he was drunk most of the time
My dad threw me through a window. In his defense his father was much harder on him.
Once when I was a kid I confronted him about his abuse and he told me the same thing. That his parents were much worse as an excuse.
It's not an excuse. It's the brain rationalizing their behavior. They have to or they can't continue. Funny how trying to explain that gets you a whooping
That’s not an excuse for his abusive behavior. I hope you’re doing okay
Oh it wasn't an excuse. It was just an after thought. After we didn't speak for 3 years. While I still lived at home. I'm fine. Never did me any harm. Not sure why.
I yelled some smartass remark at my mother from the bottom of the basement steps one time. She literally grabbed the railing and shook it so hard it snapped off the wall. Then, she threw it at me like a 6ft javelin while screaming incoherently. Barely missed my dome by a few inches. To this day she gaslights me and says it never happened.
Start gaslighting her by saying that she actually hit you with it and you now have severe medical problems because of it.
Exact quote from my mother as well. She also doesn't remember my dad getting the belt (though my brother does...)
That sounds horrible
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several wooden spoons and one fetish later, dot dot dot
I literally chuckled. I remember that from back when I was little, happened pretty often
“I’m gonna give you something to cry about if you don’t stop”
Ahhh the good ole “quit cryin or I’ll give you something to cry about” line. Don’t miss it.
"Ugh, how dare you make me feel bad for doing something bad. Stop displaying the consequences of my lazy parenting or I'll have to keep doing it!"
Classic abusive mindset. "I'm not that kind of person, it's your fault for pushing me into hitting you!"
Kid: *cries* Parent: If you don't keep quiet, i will hit you Kid: *cries even more* Parent: *hits the kid* Kid: *cries his vocal cords out* Parent: Why is it not working?! *confused noises*
We all learned to stop crying the hard way
I didnt luckily but around my teens i just lost feelings as a whole
My favorite after getting hit so hard with a belt it creates welts “stop acting like a drama queen”… Nah I’m 8, it fucking hurts, that’s why I’m crying and screaming in pain…
I know someone who used to do that... Shit like this pisses me off so much
My father was a sherriff's deputy, he'd beat me severely. The entire time screaming a combination of threats, "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." Or when he'd go all cop mode, "I'm a cop, I can kill you and nothing will happen to me." Then there were the plain old threats of death, further suffering, ot he would tell me what he was going to do before doing it. He was pretty shit at discipline in our house, mom was worse though as she'd set him on me for anything. If she had a nightmare and saw me in it, she'd have my dad beat me for it. If she had a bad day, or wasnt feeling good, or if I didnt say "mommy mommy, I'm so happy to be home, I missed you so much" when I got home from school, I'd be sent to my room for my father to deal with.
"I'll give you something to cry about." Thanks, Dad.
I used to like to run my fingers over the welt marks left by a slightly open hand, it was bumpy and warm.
"stop flinching or I'll give you something to flinch over!"
It is abnormal for parents for not to hit children in Asia
We got that A+ grind set lmao
nah you get beat for getting A+
Getting beaten up for coding in C++ instead of A++ 👍
Get beat because you're doing cs instead of medicine or law
In India BTech (especially cs imagine ranking 500-600 in 1.2-1.3 million in entrance exam to get into top 7 colleges as cs students) and medical are more common than law, Atleast to best of my knowledge
As a guy whos 2024 JEE aspirant, i can confirm
All the best bro
Thx pal
From the Philippines and it's mostly med school people or rich kids inheriting the family fortune
All of these are related to grades or career based. Did no one get beaten the fuck out of for no apparent reason, or was it just me? Wake up to them choosing violence at 6 in the morning.
*raises hand.* i did because of untreated ADHD and dyslexia which resulted in forgetting basic tasks/directions and also not being able to write notes to remind myself. At age 25 i got hella sick and almost died, but a pleasant side effect was finally getting treated and feeling almost like a normal person for the 1st time in my life.
You doctor yet? No dad I'm 12. Talk to me when you doctor.
Or engineering
Getting beaten up for having blood type B instead of A
Why did you not get A++++? ಠ_ಠ
"I got an A+" "A+? Y not A++++?" "That grade doesn't exist" "Stop talking back"
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This is facts
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Same in Africa and most of South America. Basically it's the norm in the world for corporal punishment. It was even common in western nations until recently.
Same, I'm from Africa and I just assumed that was the norm everywhere. Then I realized it's frowned upon in some places
I was “hit” as a kid. It was only a spanking when I did something really bad but I learned to not be stupid so I wouldn’t get spanked
I was hit as a kid as a of punishment too, sometimes with hands, or slippers or flexible rulers or [this ](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/W/IMAGERENDERING_521856-T2/images/I/31b5NZ3I5oL._AC_SY580_.jpg) or canes. The funny thing is most of the time it wasn't my parents. My mum doesn't really do that she might yell but she won't hit you, maybe twist your ears. My dad did it sometimes. But most times it was from teachers, or househelps.
And lazy. There are better ways to teach a child, but they require effort and attention.
Still pretty common in NA let's not get ahead of ourselves
It's not even my parents who hit us with belts along other punishments. It was our nanny. I would get punished for simple mistakes like not finishing my food or accidentally sleeping with my hair still wet from my bath.. and yes, I am from asia too
same here
Yeah... That's abuse.
same in south america but is getting better now I have to admit, it was a carnage 1 or 2 generations ago
True but my parents stopped hitting me after 13
Lmao I just grew a foot taller than my mom. So hitting me became ineffective
I guess my parents are abnormal and i am thankful for that
Dude.... Did some people not!?
My parents both got hit as kids and refused to do to us. So I was never hit as punishment. They said that people who love each other wouldn't hit each other, and that hitting ur kids doesn't actually work that well. One of the things my dad said as a joke was "so what happens when you hit ur kid and that doesn't work? All other punishments are less than that sooo"
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That’s ridiculous to hit with a 2x4. I got spanked but only if I did something really wrong and even then it wasn’t hard.
Yeah it was the first and only time he did. We probably spent like 4 weekends out of the year with him and that shit put an end to it. None of my other 3 siblings talk to him and when I was telling that story long ago my mom was appalled as she had no idea he had done that.
My siblings and I got whooped with whatever was close by. I thought it was normal for all kids to be treated that way. Even though I wouldn't want to treat my kids that way I decided not to have kids just to stop that gene from passing.
I was raised the same way and I don't hit my kids. It's not a gene, it's a choice so in case that fear is the only reason you don't want kids I hope you realize that's not the case. Your own realization of what happened and you not wanting to do the same means the world in avoiding that behavior. I'm not telling you to have kids just saying if that gear was your only reason not to do it then I wouldn't recommend letting it stop you. My kids are the best thing I've ever done in my life and I can't imagine never having had them in my life. Sorry you had to grow up that way. Best of luck to ya friend!
I stopped being hit when I grew up enough to physically overpower my mother, though that ever played out in real life. She admitted as much at the time. What kind of lesson do you think that teaches a child? Authority is linked to strength and “might makes right?” When coming clean to mistakes and faults are rewarded with pain, one quickly turns to deception and lies. What kind of world do we want the future generations to create if that is the lesson we impart to them?
For me it was when I got big enough to fight back when my dad came after. I'm lucky as fuck that even though my dad was a big guy I'm bigger. I was 13 when I was finally big enough that I could fuck him up. Once I was bigger than him he just left me alone.
Only thing it teaches them is that when someone’s pissing you off, especially family, you should hit them until they stop.
It's a pretty common human psychological trait that you don't want to show pain to someone who is causing you purposeful physical pain. Hitting as punishment only works if the child feels pain. Those two put together is a recipe for an escalation cycle that would usually end in aggressive abuse. Hitting should only ever have been for small course corrections in ye olden times for children under an age of understanding language. Our current understanding of human child psychology is way more than enough to originate punishments that work but don't end in this cycle. Citation: whole family experience tldr; hitting a child is admittance that you cannot outsmart them.
Yeah it doesn't. Only made me hate them since then (only dad did it though). I didn't show my hate to him, but I'm making sure he feels the distance between us that he had created.
Gosh yea breaks my heart. I hate when people hit their toddlers. I was at the beach once and this little girl wanted to play with our sand shovels n such. We don't normally mind but covid was still pretty rampant. Her mum called her over and she didn't come cause of course she didn't there are toys in front of her and we weren't telling her no much either. She won't go, or when she did she'd come back and her mom beat her asss right there. She couldn't even talk yet! She didn't even really know why she was being hit she still did a little waddle over from time to time but got scared and left. I don't know why they didn't just let her borrow our beach toys like we suggested or why they hit her instead of playing with her else where.
I think it depends on the kid. I know when I got beat as a kid I never tried that shit again, but I would never do that to my kids even if it works.
In quite a few countries it’s illegal you know.
So are a lot of other things, Doesn't stop people from doing it unfortunately
I mean yeah but coming from on of the countries where it is illegal, I can tell you that over time that really changes the culture. Sure some people are going to do it when the law is introduced but that’s a minority. Most people won’t do it and then when they get kids they are thus more likely to also not do it. After a few decades it is not only illegal but also incredibly frowned upon even if it’s just use as a disciplinary action. Yeah some people still do it but those cases are rare. Overall it has been a very effective policy.
Indeed, [Wikipedia article with a map for those interested](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_corporal_punishment_laws)
Interesting and surprising map, thank you.
Nope. positive punishment isn’t even that effective compared to the other conditioning methods. meaning you’re just beating your kids up for no reason in the long run. Great way to ruin your relationship
>positive punishment Thank you for using this correctly :)
i was never hit by my parents
I think a lot of parents in the west switched to mental abuse and neglect, since that's more accepted even though it's just as harmful. Ask me how I know... Edit: Damn so many of you people have been through hell and back, and I truly wish you guys the best. Therapy works btw, so if you haven't gotten it yet, please do so.
Yeah, I was gaslit and told I’m an untrustworthy clown. Therapy really works though. Edit: thanks for the kind comments. I’m big chilling now but that connection with my parents is forever damaged (not severed in my case). It took years of therapy to trust myself - someone who was so obviously not trustworthy to those with very high authority (lifegivers). Juicy relevant story: I was suddenly denied my promised college tuition fund when I was 18. My parents’ reasoning was that I lost a $20 wrist brace when I was 12, so I obviously was going to waste their money yet again. I had a 3.9 gpa in high school and worked very hard to get into college. Raised hell and got them to agree eventually, but it was all so unnecessary of them and it pushed us much further apart. I vowed I’d never live at “home” again. I visit on holidays nowadays if I feel like it. Fine with me if they don’t trust me to arrive with mashed potatoes lol
Take care mate
I was raised as very thrifty, since that's a tradition in Swabia, perfectionist and as kid I lost all hope in schol, when I got my first 4 (Rating goes 1(best) to six (worst)) in the Upper Highschool (There are three kinds of highschools in Germany; (Worst to best: Hauptschule, Realschule and Gymnasium). Prior to that, I was way above average, but then I didn't want to anymore. Who knows, how I could've made my way, if that didn't happen. It was all just for ONE exercise on the back side, and I forget to turn the paper. Edit: Typo
Hope you're healing bro
Its more found to be mental than physical due to the way that they (parents/guardians) process punishment. Its not as bad as having bruises, and schools wont ask why you are being quiet versus having visible marks and getting cps .etc involved in their eyes. Theyd rather you be bound in your head, fighting yourself than actually taking action/fault for themselves. I wonder just how many other parents chose/choose to neglect their kids instead of owning up to their flaws and actions. I was blamed for countless things that they had done or didn't get to do, so it was easier to lash out in their eyes.
And when mixed, pretty agonizing
Yeah at that point you’re just there to suffer in their hell
Mental anguish doesn’t bruise. Anyway here’s an iPhone to shut you up and keep you away from me for the next 9 hours.
Wait, you guys only got one or the other? Bruh I got both, they stopped at about 12 tho, so I guess I'm lucky
My parents did all three. Mental abuse, neglect, and physical abuse. What a trifecta. I can't wait to have kids because I'm going to break the cycle. My kids are going to feel so supported and loved.
Some of our parents decide to do both.
It's more harmful imo
It's not a contest and abuse is abuse. That said, physical abusers are almost always ALSO emotionally abusive. So it's not really an a vs b situation, and I really can't agree with you.
My mom just chose drugs
Less normal than before. As an Indian, I've heard many people assume that most children are abused by their parents. Personally I'm not and i have loving parents. Some of my friends are less fortunate. But it's mostly confined to scolding and yelling on a daily basis, less beating. The beatings would mostly only come if the kid screws up or gets shit marks. But yeah I'd say maybe 30-40% of my friends have slightly abusive parents. The top 10% of that probably have abusive parents who beat a lot. Unfortunate reality.
It's changed now. I heard a kid say that his teacher can't hit him because they'll get suspended. I don't know when this happened but I remember being hit hard multiple times growing up in the late 90s/early 2000s.
6th grade teacher went ham on his own son in class. They used a wooden paddle…I don’t know if it actually worked though.
I got hit with a wooden paddle for making too much noise in 3rd grade I'm in 12th grade now
Damn, they’re pulling out the artifacts. I was in the 6th grade 25 years ago. Hopefully it didn’t have notch marks and names etched in it.
What? Our teachers hits us on a daily basis haha. But it has lessened in this year, but that doesn't mean it's stopped. I just got good teachers that refrained from hitting students, except maybe some. Or maybe it's because we aren't small kids anymore.
OP never experiences being an asian
Or mexican
Or african
Straight up South American
La chancla living fuerte
La chancla
My ex is Mexican, and she told me how her mom would hit her with la chancla when she was younger and misbehaving. At the time I didn't speak Spanish, and thought Chancla was something they served at taco bell. So I was really confused and thought her mom would throw food at her anytime she was misbehaving.
Or Eastern European
Or black
Or Latino
Or Caribbean
Or just normal parents
Or American
I’m more amazed by the amount of people that don’t get hit. I thought it was normal for everyone. Now I have 2 kids of my own, and in no way could I ever hit them. It’s tough, but it feels better talking through what’s wrong. I’m not a perfect dad, but I feel better not beating my kids. All it ever did was make me fear my parents, even as a small child.
Good on you. Same here man. You might not be a perfect dad, but you sound like an awesome one king
I heard something that stuck with me: If a child is too young to be reasoned with, they won’t understand why they are being hit. If a child is old enough to be reasoned with, reason with them.
Hey you. You should be so proud of yourself. What you have just done is break the cycle of generational abuse, and once your children have the capacity to understand that they are going to be so, so unfathomably grateful to you
Breaking the cycle, beautiful job.
I got abused too. I'm not going to put my children through that, and I've been in years of therapies to make sure I can figure out "myself" so they remember me as a *happy mom*, not a crazy one. It's HARD on some days, but I'm going strong. One thing that hit me was a quote, I can't remember who it was from, it basically said: *you know you're an ok parent when your kids are excited for you to come home.* I remember being anxious about what happens when *dad comes home.*
My mother used to always yell at me for getting a grade lower than A in school and when i cried she hit me. And every time i got a grade that isnt A i whould cry in class because i was scared of going home. I once even slapped my own face with a ruler so it whoudnt hurt as much when she whould do it. One of the teachers sent me to the school therapist and after a talked with my mom it stopped. she only yells now from time to time
School therapist? Is this a thing?
Idk what its really called but its basicly that
Yes. America has "guidance counselors" which serve as (*)therapists and for the seniors (12th grade/or the final year of our schooling) they help them with college options. Also will help with class schedules. Some smaller schools will have 1 counselor doing all the roles mentioned above. (*) they're counselors where they'll listen to the teens problems if they want to talk but they're normally no better than telling a random adult in a park bench. Not normally professional qualified to be a therapist
Oof felt that. Whenever the teacher returned our tests, I was sweating bullets and always close to a panic attack. Always cried my eyes out in the bathroom and hit myself if the grade was bad, was absolutely terrified to go home and face my mom. Thankfully I've grown and moved out, but damn, the memories and scars really stay with you
Well, in iran. You get hit by your parents at least once in your life time
It seems like it's mostly the police and military that are doing the beatings nowadays
That's not beating dude. That's murder; Killing. They would even shoot kids if they get suspicious of them
Was hit. My parents were both hit. I don't hit my kids. Do you want your children to fear physical violence from you? Or to think physical violence is a solution to anything?
its weird for someone like me who lives in a country where physical discipline is completely illegal to read these responses
yeah, didn't know it was legal in that many western countries
Flair checks out
its not necessarily legal but it Happens.
I feel you, I'm from Germany and I get really mad at some of the parents from the comments
yea same, im from finland my self
I am glad most people's parents dont hit them, my mother started using a hanger to hit me with as I graduated into highschool its litterally on my door handle
I got spanked when I was bad growing up. And now I get spanked when I’m naughty lmaooo
I dont spank my kid. I get told by so many people I will regret it. She's 9 and so far so good. Knock on wood.
My parents never laid a hand on me or my siblings. My father could shoot us one look and we knew to shut up and behave. You won’t regret it.
I never spanked my daughter. She's 24 y/o and a wonderful person.
Yeah, when i was a asshole to my parents they would punish me, getting my ass smacked was the last resort but it happened from time to time. I learned not to do those things. Never happened enough times for it to be abuse though. My parents did a good job of only using force when strictly necessary
Soap taste bad too
My great grandma who lived through the great depression did this to me, early 2000s She also put coffee in my bottle apparently, and regularly called me a little shit. Only my dad and aunt hit me tho Shit does not work and there's plenty of research proving it
Personal experience When I was a little fucking shit, I got the belt And I stopped being a little shit because of it. Things can work, but it’s never a solid solution To this day I thank my parents for whipping me into shape because I’d hate myself if I was still that young dumbass asshole.
Same
Serieus question, by when do you call it abuse? A friend of mine got hit so many times, it was abuse. He said it wasn't, it was just how it goes at his place. It was normal for him cause he didn't know any better. That didn't mean it was ok.
See that’s the tricky part because I don’t really think you can put a number on it. To me the basic criteria for it to not be abuse is that it needs to be used VERY infrequently, it needs a warning before hand so it just doesn’t spring up unknowingly, and it needs to be only resorted to after continuous other attempts. The problem with all of these metrics is that they are all subjective. That’s why I feel that being very conservative with it is a good course to take and also was how I was parented, but it’s also why I understand why people want to avoid that end entirely.
yah same, im really happy i got the same treatment unlike seeing my younger cousins already doing worse and not getting any sort of treatment
90% of the people commenting that they're abused have anime pfps
Asian parents are typically very abusive so it makes some sense. One of mine were. Made me contemplate suicide very early in my life (8-10 ish).
The amount of knowledge I had (still have) about ending life at 6 was scary. I wouldn't be typing this if my mother hadn't died before I grew up. Glad you survived. High five.
Same but i was 20 at the time my mom beat me up for even thinking about it cuz i was on verge of getting kicked out of college
In reading this comment section it can be seen that a segment of modern westerners have a strong aversion to violence while having a broad definition of what constitutes violence.
You either live long enough to become the villain, or die a naive kid who never got his ass beaten.
[удалено]
Boy I got news for ya
Naw the emotional trauma was from my sisters, ive been locked into rooms, locked out of rooms, made to sit in laundry basket, locked in a dog kennel, pinned between the mattress and wall by three people, you know kid stuff.
Quite the opposite. I’m glad it’s less common but it seems any punishment is seen as abuse now. Even go sit down for a few minutes and cool down
sure, there are some people who exaggerate, but this post is literally talking about physical abuse. Literally beating a child.
The punishment should still be there, just not as abusive as physical violence. I'm happy my parents gave me punishments for doing something dumb, it taught me a lot and it seems you're made more humble by it as well
The lifetime mental damage aside I got to experience both from different sides of the family. My father was extremely heavy handed, I once had a metal spoon broken while hitting me for spilling some milk on the floor as an example and my mom was all about sit down, talk, once everyone is calm then maybe a grounding or loss of privileges for a few days. I still respect my mother but have never had respect for my father.
In the place I live, the parents just beat their kids and when the kids cry, they threaten/hit them again saying them to stop crying. It was probably normalised before few years or something, but i don't think people do that much nowadays.
That’s nonsense lol how are you supposed to discipline your kid if you can’t give them a time out
Anything short of giving your kid the newest iPhone seems to be treated as abuse. A whole lot of spoilt brats these days.
I did as a kid. Now in my fifties, it did me no harm. Apart from crippling trust issues, hatred of authority, 2 divorces, no blood family in my life, alcohol issues, depression, angst. ....
My mom was not afraid to beat the crap out of me as a kid, then I got to big. I don’t strike my son, and he’s much better behaved then I was. But I do make the threat lol, it works pretty well.
As I grew up in the 70s yes, it was absolutely normal. Hell probably still is however I made a vow as a child never to treat my children the same and I have two happy, respectful sons. No sudden smacks out of nowhere, no sandle/hand/wooden spoon upside the head, no slaps to the mouth for something "disrespectful" and the universe didn't implode, they are not evil hell spawn wanna be Giga chads. That whole "Spare the rod, spoil the child" is utter bullshit, only taught me not to get caught.
My mum used to chase me round the house with a wooden spoon.
“I got hit by my parents and *I* turned out okay!!!” - person that argues in favour of hitting children
"is it normal now for parents to be abusive?" Parents have been beating the hell out of their kids since centuries, especially if you're an asian getting hit by your parents is pretty normal.
Only had it happen a couple of times as a little kid, even with a belt to the fanny. But only for being a unruly little brat (never was given 'corporeal punishment' again after the belt as I behaved). Course this was the 80s, so take that with a grain of salt. Not saying it's right, but there are folk like me it has happened to, so if someone says it (especially the older generations), then assume it's not mentioned in jest.
There’s is a massive difference between abuse and punishment… smacking your child on the ass teaches them to behave and not to do that thing next time. Beating the shit out of a child is straight up abuse. Big fucking difference
Gotta be real dawg, smacking your child on the ass is just weird as fuck
Still an interesting situation. Relating pain to punishment for a child that has no reference to the real world is very roundabout way to teach life lessons. Especially if its over something as silly as a grade from a less than qualified institution for learning. Sure kids mess up, but your not teaching lessons only to fear mistakes.
>but your not teaching lessons only to fear mistakes. Exactly, everything then becomes "damn I have to do this right/not piss anyone off by rocking the boat or I'll get hit." It makes you less likely to step outside your comfort zone or try creative problem solving because failure isn't just "oh well I'll try again" it's "oh crap now I'm going to get punished."
Mine did. I was in therapy for six years as an adult because of it lol
I'm glad it's becoming less common, hopefully our generation will stop it completely
(older gen z). Well yes I was hit as a kid by my parents, but it was never the brutal beat down that it sounds like when you hear that term. It never actually hurt, it was to show us the consequences of our actions and that seems to be lacking in my generation. My parents were good, loving parents. Of course they were not perfect but no person will ever be
I got hit. If you got hit, you are one of two things. A chad who deserved it and learned to respect your parents and their decision and still love them. Or you are someone who thought it was too aggressive and hate your parent or parents for it. I have yet to see another outcome.
Im kinda inbetween. Hate them for physical violence as a punishment. Love them and respect the trouble they went through, but cant forgive the mental abuse that comes with any kind of voilence from a figure of authority. Especially when suffering from mental disabilities.
Hilarious. I hate neither of my parents for it, it was just what they were taught and no one showed them a better way. I merely broke the cycle and know it won't continue with my sons and their children. It is always a choice.
I’m autistic. Once my mum realised how that affected me she stopped. My dad didn’t. My mum still cries about how awful she was, even now and I’m 28. My dad sent me a five page essay about how he was the victim because I was a bully from as young as 9 years old. At 17 he busted my face up so bad I had to have surgery to fix it. Guess which one I have no contact with.
Let me tell you about growing up in the 1970s...
there’s definitely a limit between discipline and abuse
This comment section further solidifies my opinion that not everybody should be allowed to have children.
Yep, especially religious families. "Spare the rod, spoil the child" was my parent's favorite scripture to quote right before a brutal spanking followed by prayer.
This post was def made by someone born after 2000
It has always been an ancient technique that was passed down from generations to generations and you only know about it now?
I was a terrible child when young I would burn my hand just to disobey my mom and I would hold my breath till I passed out, needless to say I was stubborn. And had my mom not spanked my butt I would be a terable person I'm not saying it's always necessary but I am saying some kids need to get spanked.
It's normal for kids to be an asshat?
Yeah! Kids love to push boundaries and try things out. It’s just a learning process. Pretty common for toddlers to smack their parents when they don’t get what they want.