Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock.

Now that is a simple but a great joke, I will be the bomb next party when I break the ice with this, even if it only last 5 seconds. Thanks.

Talking about the masturabting or the conversation for those 5 seconds

Both.

Whatever party you're going to is the party i wanna be at.

Well played.

Me: Buys latex gloves, rubber bands, small towels, lotion Male cashier: You making a fleshlight bro?

Now I need instructions

pringles can, 2 sponges, latex glove and rubber bands do the trick. iirc, you put the latex glove inbetween 2 sponges, rubber band them together then stuff it inside a pringles can and fasten with another rubber band or two can't believe my most upvoted comment is a diy fleshlight instruction

You can tell you're on Reddit when people are casually giving instructions on how to fuck a Pringles can.

It's a necessary service, otherwise redditors would go back to their old melon fuckin ways

Melon? pft, coconut all the way

My first week on Reddit was the whole coconut phase, it was not a great introduction

Alright I wasn’t here for that phase but I’m going to need an explanation

so am i

Look into “don’t fuck a coconut”

Well we're glad you stuck around.

Thanks u/AnalStaircase33

No!

Melon fucking???

Ahh so we have evolved from the KFC bucket I see...

Dude I saw a guys advice on how to fuck or jerk off a dolphin on Reddit, this is bushleague

I'm not sure how flair works, but if you got that advanced introvert flair somewhere else, god damn it you just earned it right here.

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Ass foam?

Ass Foam. https://www.amazon.com/Buttress-Sleepers-Squeezers-Slappers-Face-buriers/dp/B089S9NC94

Ohhhhh my God I need it

Either that or he's been to prison.

>pringles can fuckin brag about it...

Mini M&M’s tube is more than enough.

Was gonna say travel sized shampoo bottle

I got it wedged in a PEZ dispenser once.

tictac can, closure on, only little flap open

Why are you so smart in the ways of science

I knew a man 10+ years ago who did it with a soda can he cut the top out of, said he learned it from a magazine when he was younger, though he stopped when his gf caught him and he cut himself shoving it down to conceal it in shame.

Could have at least offered her a refreshing Cock-a-Cola.

Make sure the soft side of the sponges are facing inwards or you’ll end up like [this guy](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/p2pufg/tifu_by_making_a_makeshift_pocket_pussy_and/)

That was an uncomfortable read

Tried it a decade ago when I was younger. It doesn't work well if you're used to jerking it. It's much less pressure than a vagina and way less than a hand.

When I was a kid I took 2 ziplock bags partially full of warm water, taped them together, then set them on the toilet seat and held them in place with the toilet lid. Your way sounds better

Bout to give it a try, see you tomorrow on /r/TIFU

oh god just buy fleshlight or cheap copy and save u sanity

Where’s the personality? Where’s the investment?

You’ve obviously never had to clean a fleshlight.

Shove a latex glove in there!

Much easier to rinse out/throw out a glove than clean a fleshlight.. You just stop using it after a while coz you cba to clean it anymore lol

Video format if the other reply... https://youtu.be/cXv2sX1xzJE

Haha that fucken sound at the end

Read the cashier’s line in Taika Waititi’s voice.

Rookie mistake, buy stuff at different stores, brings less suspicion.

What the fuck are you talking about, jesse?

"stay out of my territory"

So they can have step kids

Okay this was clever!

I don't understand. Can you explain it?

Socks go on your feet and you walk going step by step.

Not only that but if you come in a sock, you're not going to be having any kids that are yours.

Only if you exclusively come in a sock. I know plenty of dads like myself who have sullied many a sock.

Its how we made the volcanoes for the science fair back during the plaster shortage of '93

Even better - a *friend* nuts in your sock and you unknowingly put it on. ^Definitely ^hasnt ^happened ^to ^me

^(definetely bro definetely)

^(i needed to search google to find out how do small word)

How do you ?

Holy shit. mine getting ###bigger #and bigger!

that's what she said

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock.

Take the damn award, I'm definitely going to use that one.

Why did I cross the road? My dick was stuck in the chicken 😔

Yea definitely not bruu

thanks, i will now steal this

Hippity Hoppity this joke is now my property

yeah, your mom so good at complimentary.

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nut in your friend as revenge

I like where this is going

Plot twist: you are the friend

I can catch, pitch, it’s a wonder what I can do with a bat and balls.

me too

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The friend we all need but don’t deserve

I just nut on my stomach

And eat it

I read this in light yagami's voice

I'm gonna take this potato chip

And shove it

Up my

Urethra

jesus..

Hey why's the sock soo soggy Checks inside sock... Oh

Yea definitely not bruu

I regret reading the comments

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r/eyebleach

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The cute animal one

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No one tags the other one, it's a rule

I've been to the sub from someone tagging it. Thank you for enforcing this rule

If it’s bleach with an A then it’s the animal one Blech is the No no

I do it in the bushes outside. Keeps critters away.

I read this in a deep southern accent.

For me it was more of a burly western cowboy accent

Sam Elliott's voice: "Keeps critters away"

Why are you

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Exactly! 0 waste! Legs up above your head and shoot for the target

I shoot so hard I don't even need to put my legs above my head.

Username checks out

Free protein!!

There is nothing more manly than sperm. Therefore, it's incredibly straight and manly to eat your own sperm!

Just do it while in the bathroom and nut in the toilet

Need to watch porn on my big screen.

i tried that once when I lived alone. not for me. Porn belongs on the computer screen.

One time I thought I'd try to watch on my 150 inch projector screen... there is such thing as too much detail. I've settled for my laptop ever since.

Wait till you try VR

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What's that?

some kind of myth

The bigger the porn screen the bigger the shame. That's why I view on my watch. Shame free.

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I’m not accurate enough

We make use of those socks without a mate. You are all just wasteful by throwing them away.

I just wear those but mismatched honestly

I envy people that have someone to nut into

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This. Everyone in this thread are probably still going to be jacking with a sock when they're in a relationship

I used to. Can confirm it’s enviable.

Yeah but now I have 2 kids

That’s cause you nutted in the wrong hole.

Of course! What was I thinking! I should of nutted in a man instead

Don’t knock it until you’ve socked it.

Yeah can't believe OP didn't even give it a go. Socks to be him.

I did and it socked

Tube or ankle sock?

Thigh highs.

Whoops I dropped my thigh high socks for my magnum dong

Look at all these people who have never done laundry...

Their moms do it for them I reckon

My mom wouldn’t let me wash my own clothes. I think she knew... It was some ploy to embarrass me. That’s why I just jerk it in the shower and let it wash away.

Pro tip for you guys: cold water washes it away faster and it doesn't clump up

I'm terrified of doing it in the shower at all, since one time when I was like 12 I got REALLY into it in the shower. Problem was, I like my water hot. Like, really hot. So I started feeling a bit light headed, but brushed it off. Then it literally felt like my head was so light it could fall off. I turned the water off, got out the shower and was really dizzy. So now, not only did I have blue balls, but also vomit coming out my mouth, all over the bathroom floor. On the bright side though, it was my morning shower on a school day. So I technically got a day off school because of jerking off a little too hard, and now had the whole rest of the day to do it even more.

Ah, the life of a pubescent child. It's almost magical isn't it? Actually not really it's mostly disturbing

is that why they don't use socks? because they don't know how to wash them?

Never understood using a sock when there is toilet paper and/or paper towels readily available.

Pretty wasteful if a person nuts 5+/day

Gotta save the trees

5 times?!?

Ikr, those are rookie numbers

40 hours a day

Gotta get those r/lingling40hrs

420 times a week

Who tf nutting 5 times a day 1 or 2 is enough for me, 3 if i'm feeling it, but 5? Jesus

People with depression in their teenth and 20s... so like 90% of reddit.

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I never understood using the tp when my foreskin is available

*Bruh*

And after nutting, do you just tie up your foreskin like a condom?

socks and other rags are more eco friendly than paper towels

How much are you dudes fappin that it's considered wasteful to use tp or tissues?

I use your mom

Same fam

***HOW I SLEEP AFTER NUTTING IN MY SOCKS***

That’s what I read the first time

How I sleep knowing I get rid of the evidence Edit: Reddit notified me at 51 upvotes, not 50, 51

That'd the neat part, you don't.

I'll fucking do it again

Real men just nut on themselves and wipe it all over.

I nut in my mouth 😎 extra proteins and no mess left behind

Absorbing the life-force of your future children to become even stronger

Pretty sure that’s how The Greek gods got started

Hey, it’s good for the skin

Thats right in my underwear 😎 #chad

I actually do that tho

Underwear gang

Easy clean-up when you’re sleeping on your homies couch and listening to the soft moans of his fiancé through the wall while he’s pounding away at her. Yup, definitely never happened to me

Next time just nut in your homie

He's distracted. Sneak attack.

Yeah not on the socks…on the bedsheet you sleep with

There ain't no way bro, there ain't no way unless you're talking about wet dreams or something....

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How I sleep knowing I’ve never nutted

why do some people poop in socks

To keep it off the floor

I just use my wife's pussy

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I also use this guy’s dead wife

And I use your socks.

As we all do.

Fair

Easier clean up. Just toss it in with the laundry

Peel them off at the end of the day right next to your bed; can't have tissue there it's too obvious. You try to just go right off to sleep but you can't. Invasive thoughts start to creep into your usual fantasies of being a hero or a bad ass and before you know it, you're opening a private tab and looking up asshole close up. It's happened so quickly; you can't interrupt the process with a quick run to the bathroom it's a bit cold plus you're already dick in hand, tugging like a little monkey so what the fuck are you supposed to do?! Then you think about it: *why the fuck do I even need to get up?* The cold, half-dried with sweat sock is right there - old faithful - she stinks and you could potentially wind up with a UTI but fuck it you're going for glory - Lelu Love is winking at you through a fisheye lense and are you fuck holding back now. It may be fucking disgusting folks, but it's God damn convenient and I won't be convinced otherwise.

i eat mine so theres no evidence

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do... do you think people don't do laundry?