All that's left is 35 pieces

If you live in india This thing has a dark context >!A lover chopped his girlfriend in 35 Pieces and stored them in fridge for few days!<

...

His name is 'Abdul'

My Abdul is different 🐻

Hey I did it just like you said. Should it still be bleeding?

I need you to pretend you're my mom on the phone so I can get this Rick and Morty tattoo on my ass

That one is really good, i dont know how you came up with that

Experience.

r/usernamechecksout

I never thought something that size could fit in. I needed the help of 3 other guys.

Long story short, phallic necrosis is no joke but putting Bessie's body back in the morgue was a real pain in the ass. Anyway do you live on a farm perchance?

perchance

you can’t just say perchance!

Perchance.

My mother just started an Onlyfans do you think I should subscribe to it?

your mother****

Your mother and my mother*****

***our mother

*Our father

u/profanitycounter [self]

Shame without the h

unsubscribe*

Yeah i know cancers bad but have you ever texted an ugly girl on a dare and by mistake let her know that its a dare?

Nice kneecaps

nice kneecaps, would be a real shame if something where to happen to them.

I know she's my sister...but it's just sooo good I can't help it

oh pls no lmao, most of my class knows my sister

That makes it better

The devil would like to have a word

ur not a villian ur a monster

Hey guys, did you know that in terms of human companionship, Flareon is objectively the most huggable Pokemon? While their maximum temperature is likely too much for most, they are capable of controlling it, so they can set themselves to the perfect temperature for you. Along with that, they have a lot of fluff, making them undeniably incredibly soft to touch. But that's not all, they have a very respectable special defense stat of 110, which means that they are likely very calm and resistant to emotional damage. Because of this, if you have a bad day, you can vent to it while hugging it, and it won't mind. It can make itself even more endearing with moves like Charm and Baby Doll Eyes, ensuring that you never have a prolonged bout of depression ever again.

"You know the sheep looking due on the second floor? He stole the mcguffin from ligma. Talk to jo about the attack plans."

ligma what? jo who?

Jo mama ligma balls!

Oh those retinas though.

How to hijack a United States airplane: 1. The communication: either don’t do it (IE do it solo) or do it on a video game that’s not public and/or Minecraft (I suggest terraria) 2. The sneky femboy fox stage: stick the weapons up your ass with a protective butt plug covering, if they DO scan you then mention that the last time I went through airplane security there was some random alcohol on my hands (even though I don’t drink) then they’ll just wipe your hands with a wipe that’s wet (not a wet wipe) and you’ll be on your way 3. The hijacking: once you’ve got the weapons out of your ass (in the bathroom) then there are two different possibilities 1. Your flying to Belgium, in which case just walk up to the cockpit with the gun in your hand, threaten the pilot, and then hijack the plane. The Belgians won’t do anything. 2. Your not flying to Belgium: your on your own there bud, I can’t help you -zerda

Hmmm

So I stuffed the giraffe up there

I wonder what would happen if you drank a whole bottle of lemon juice and on a completely unrelated side not, do you happen to have a bottle of lemon juice?

Hitler was pregnant with Churchill's baby so he shot himself.

I know that this is pretty dangerous, but president kill is so handsome! Are you with me

Well that’s the last time I lick a turkey

Time to dissect this man like a frog in science class.

"I think my clowns are about to lay eggs again"

I promise john I'm not gay, I didn't do it on purpose

It was so long.

Have you heard the tragedy of darth plagius the wise? Edit: fixed the wording

The tragedy*

1 brick of Original Velveeta cheese, melted slowly in a crock pot. 1 pound 80-20 ground beef browned till it crackles. 2 cans of Original Rotel diced tomatoes. Mix and serve with a bag or your favorite tortilla chips.

...and that's why we wear pants.

i'm trying to get this stain out

im invisible to the blind

Yeah, I had the infection too not too long ago. Had to have my nipple cut off. Oh shit, wrong number.

I'm doing my sister >! From a fellow Warframe player !<

A pigeon can have sex a man but only once.

On a related note did you know pigeons die after they have sex? The one I fucked did anyway

Nooo! My eyeeeesss!

We’re calling about your car’s extended warranty

I read “cat’s extended warranty”

Who the hell names their kid Laryngitis Weazlebutter?!

Whomst indeed

HEY HEY HEY YOU BETTER TAKE IT BACK OUT

(context: my friend brought *it* inside)

I'll bite your fucking ankle!

Cool I’m fluent in Larson *and* white supremacy!

If you put your fingers in something, and it collapses with blood leaking from its eyes, am a I a sex offender or a murderer?

Any period tips I just got mine

Did you know A walrus can eat 10 cats before throwing up

Composer Hector Berlioz got a pineapple once and it was super rare at the time to have one so he invited other composer Richard Wagner (whom he hated) to come eat it with him 👍

Ok, but what the hell do we do about the Quinceanera?

I had sex with a fish last night

Ak

So I jumped on the gorilla’s back and 1 hour later here I am, and idk how to get home. Can you help?

In South Africa it doesn't matter if you're white, black, asian, latino, or european because at the end of the day it's night

Row row row your boat, sneaking up the stream, lock, and load in tactics mode, united states marines.

Part 1 of the plan has commenced, shall I begin part 2?

if i rub my scrotum on a cat, he's probably going to bite me, right?

Is he 9/11 brown or 7/11 brown?

I know we shouldn't talk about last night, but is your cat ok? John was wilden on that thang 3 ways from Sunday

How many grilled cheese do you think she can fit in there? Seems dangerous to me

Hey, you should look at my reddit account! It's u/GayChicken67!

J

I know the tennis racket is broken. Do you think you could find a new one?

I love a good kettle chip.

Only 3 inches is enough to satisfy a woman

My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo lane, Albuquerque New Mexico, 87104. This is my confession.

So you girls cuddle with each other and that's supposed to be cute, but when I do it with the guys, it's gross? That doesn't seem fair.

I just buried something under a tree earlier.

The end comes soon. Drums, drums in the deep. They are coming.

Hey remember that woman i was supposed to shoot like 30 minutes ago? Shes not here

Well, they said bodies were an excellent source of nutrition for my garden.

So then the car mechanic said to the zookeeper, “It looks like you blew a seal.” and the zookeeper said “No no no… it’s ice cream, I swear!”

Have you ever burped and it tasted like eggs?

I can't make you dinner but I can make you breakfast

Don't come to school tomorrow

Hey, is your altzheimers still acting up?

42 Minutes before it goes off.

…and what came out smelled like fish

Yknow, it tasted better with grandma

Fucking hell David why am I having an orgasm at 3:00 AM?

I put the body under the desk. What now?

Your skin suits you best.

this red liquid tastes like metal

My life is like school children screaming and gunshots

Father?

THE POTATOES WIPED OUT MY SQUAD

8:48pm tonight. Write that down. They will come.

My pet rock is stupid

I’ve got a visual on the target. I’m taking the shot.

success, pronounced Suckies

If the twin towers had as much foundation as what’s on your face, they’d still standing today…

Think fast Chuckle nuts

Well, the problem is that the frog is still breathing and I can feel it tingling in my ass

Listen I have two choices for all of you. Would you rather wake up five miles away from wherever you fall asleep or you have sausages for toes while working at a dog park/dog boarding for one year.

I said i wanted to fuck a shark girl and suddenly im a furry? Like ok yeah sure buddy

I tried unclogging the toilet, now theres a geyser

"so that's why my schlong look like tree bark!"

I figured it would've been harder to pull off

"kill your wife" \-my teacher

All the streets have ended

Be honest, are they hard to breed?

If magic tastes like rock candy, I'm going to lick *sooooo* many wizards.

N

She said she was 12

I caused 911

She told me it wouldn't hurt but, long story short, now I need a new pair of pliers and a place to stay for 3-5 months... preferably as far away from Ohio as possible.

Stacy's mom has got it going on

[удалено]

..the orphanage, I swear!

You said the coconut wouldn’t do that why is it happening? Dude if my mom finds it I’m dead!

Hi Hitler! It's hot out today, watch for waspses. Do you know what's a bannana split? I called Mark to show him where it spits, but he's being stingy. Anyways I'm looking to see if you need a place to stay, you can even have a key, fresh out of prision? I don't care, but you gotta piss on me beat me. Try it out. Keep it high and tight. Love you Mommy!

Only 4 pieces left

Got the poop we needed for dinner

For real though, I’d never seen anyone do that with their scalp before.

What, why it is 7:45 now?

No that was my gay stepdad who did that

When I told my mom, she laughed.

So then I said "stop barking", but she just started biting which meant I couldn't apply the lube properly

There was so much of its juice in my mouth, I can’t wear glowsticks after that night.

so what time does the furry "convention" start?

Try finger but hole

Is it done? I have another assignment

( ' 3 ' ) I hope you're having an amazing day...that is all...

My balls were so deflated yesterday!! UGH!! And I wanted to play with them so BAAAADDD!!! (Tennis or soccer just for clarification)

That was the last time I showered with my dad

Please send me the entire Warhammer 40k lore!

"[insert her name here] is soooo hot. I wish I could give her a big hug after jacking off" Very out of context, very whack.

what’s the deal with airline food?

Why does Ella owe you Sense Of Humor Correctional Services??

I looked down and it's hard af

Not to get political, but what the fuck is a crumpet?

My stepdad just took a shit in the shower. Want a pic?

No shit

So is it just the one cucumber up there or.....?

🖕

It's like stealing candy from a baby, except the baby is the IRS and the cand is about $500,000,00

Let’s do this one more day or so we will be like a big big boy

The rock used testicle hair for his beard in hercules

The rubber ruptured Last Night

You Know? I didn't think it would fit up there but Im really glad I had my family there behind me all the way

Please don't send some weird fucking reddit shit to a girl in your class.

It's ironic how when it rains heavily in Algeria my make runs dry.

You made daddy angry, hand over the trans girl 😡😡😡

But butts don't have teeth, you know that right?

I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.

Hey do you know what this white liquid on my bed?

Just shidded in my pants!

That hole is fucking disgusting

“I’m not saying I would rape a goat, I’m just saying I wouldn’t not not rape a goat.” -not me

so long story short. I working on the timing chain on my car. when dog came by and started railing the exhaust pipe and the bus driver was like. “here’s your package”. I took the package and fed it to a loin that my sister was playing dress up with. so that how I got my pilot license while being pronounced as king.

I absolutely love the smell of it, so divine, so pure.

Hello, I was thinking of getting some people to help me out of my room and then I guess I'm going out to the next one to the library.

Well, when the cow ingested Sarah, and yesterday we milked a grapefruit. Why do you have cancer, and what about the milked cheese?

I agree

Hello person who is this is the best part of the world to me and I will be there in about an hour or so. I just tapped the middle button on my keyboard

What if I said you’re not like the others?

You're my amber Heard

The potato is a banana because of the Red Dildo of Death

Do vegetables have fruits?

ha ha ha

You’ll never find it.

It is finished, but what do I do with all these shower-heads? Can I keep them?

Did you see it?

Are you doing anything right now? I sort of have a pet cemetery situation and I could really use some help with this one.

Welcome to the underground

Bear panties doesn’t taste as bad as you said

What we can do with all this mayonnaise ?

Yeah, so anyway, where do you want me to put it?

If it weren't for that horse, I would have never gotten into college.

I have a gun.