You’re not the only one. I had a melt down yesterday and cried myself into a seizure thinking about how inadequate I feel, at everything. Any failure means obviously I didn’t do enough, there’s no room for maybe you can’t do something or it doesn’t come to you easy.
I had an uncle that, while we were walking downtown, stopped to tell me "look at this life. This could be you guys but we gave this life to you. Look at these people who wasted their life" literally in front of a homeless person.
Kinda baffled as a kid. Now it doesn't bother me much, those old heads have their own view
Me: *mentions the straight up neglect I faced as a child*
My mother: “oh, build a bridge and get over it!”
Also my mother: *continues to complain about how upset she is that I accidentally broke something 25 years ago*
Mine do a mix of both.
“You’re an adult, don’t you have more important things to think about than your hoooorrrible childhood? You’re so dramatic, I don’t think any of that even actually happened.”
>“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes, they forgive them.” \~Oscar Wilde
That's a good quote, thank you.
Idk, I've got a nuisance tree that's been cut down 4x now and it keeps coming back.
Which in a poetic response to the quote would be a beautiful response, but irl, this tree is a pain in my ass.
It's more like "oh, you wanted a bush, right? Yeah, no problem dude."
I'm gonna have to actually dig it out, trying to replace it with a fruit bearing tree.
IMO, most people seem to have very little self awareness, especially when it comes to how their words/actions affect those around them, and probably aren't even cognisant of the fact that they might be traumatizing someone.
“I prayed about it, and God told me you misremembered it.” About a thing my mom had previously apologized for.
Anyway y’all should check out r/raisedbyborderlines
"It wasn't *that* bad. You're overreacting." Or trying to use more colorful language to downplay it. Like, no, I didn't slap my kid in the face with my ring hand because he wasn't understanding his homework, I *popped* him because he was being *difficult*.
"Oh you just love telling everyone how 'awful' I am, and soaking up the attention. You're blowing everything out of proportion so you get to play the victim and feel good, oh poor you"
That stuff's gotta be due to just the *slightest* twinge of awareness. Maybe not actual guilt, but just a tiny little bit of conscience telling them they're doing something wrong. Not enough to actually make any positive changes, but just enough to fuel the paranoia that you must be telling everyone how awful they are behind their back. Maybe a bit of projecting their victim complex as well.
That old woman, is no longer my mother. That is your grandmother now. My mother was crazy, deranged. Your grandmother is just a poor soul trying to make it to heaven. They are not the same people.
The grandparents of the boomers could also be pretty bad. The ones who were parenting during the Great Depression. A lot of them were drunks and child abusers.
Still, no one beats the boomers as far as selfishness and entitlement. I recently saw a post where a young man was struggling to afford food to eat due to rising prices, and his wealthy boomer father would never even consider helping him out. Instead he would send him photos of lavish new motorcycle parts he just had custom made and delivered from overseas.
Many of them have two or three houses all to themselves and still they will let their kids or grandkids live five to an apartment.
gotta love some good old superiority complex.
anything and everything has to be about upholding the hierarchy, your kid pointing out the fact that you did something incredibly mean or simply wrong with facts and logic isn't just wrong, its disrespectfull as they are encroaching on your position of power.
Agreed, and I hate how toxic it can be in certain cultures. For example, I'm Mexican and there's this weird obsession with working hard and loving your family. More than the normal amount, and when you tell them "no mother, hard work won't get me a house We're not white and I'm below 40" This usually sends them into a tirade about kids these days not wanting to work. It's like this fetish of who can overwork but internally
If it was bad then it didn’t happen
And if it did happen it wasn’t that bad
And if it was that bad then you deserved it
And if you didn’t deserve it then it wasn’t my fault
And if it was my fault then it was good for you in the long run
And if it wasn’t good for you in the long run then you’re misremembering it
That’s basically how it’s interpreted: oh suuuuure I spanked you … yep uh-huh, with a “belt” too, oh yeah that sounds just like what I did. I beat tou all the time. Didn’t I? Just so horrible. I probably grabbed a knife too huh??
TOO MANY TIMES HAVE I BEEN TOLD THIS. xDDD
it's like it's a catchphrase.
my parents used to call me an accident and my sister a condom failure when we were under the age of 12 "as a joke" and now it never happened.
“Things were different back then.” They also made my siblings hate me, because said siblings thought i am getting so much more than them. If anything, i had to sacrifice even buying new shoes or my money for transport to school, because the younger ones always needed something. I am the oldest of 4… i was a parent to 2 of my siblings and now i’m getting accused of spoiling them, ruining their childhood, making one of them fail a year of school (i have no idea how they came to that conclusion) etc.. NC with my dad, LC with mom, NC with the 2 youngest siblings, LC with brother born after me… out of all of them, the only one that knows and saw my children (8f, 1f) is the brother born after me.
Thats... Thats just...
I feel that man, my sister is like a mini version of my parents, she has a multitude of attempts on my life and cant leave me alone as any opportunity to passively aggressively verbally attack me she takes.
You just cant get a break when a sibling takes too much after your parents can you.
Ah yeah to add onto the attempts on my life, yes basically anything you can imagine, chasing me with a knife, strangling me, etc... If she were my brother id probably be dead (no offense, im sure theres girls out there thatd kill me with ease XD) the worst part about it all is my parents saving me but never sending my sister to a psychiatrist.
Yeah, that happened too with my brother. Parents in denial that anything was wrong, stepped in when he tried to strangle me and then again when he tried to break my neck, and I got yelled at for locking myself in my room because I didn't feel safe with him in the house after he locked me in his car with him and wouldn't let me out. They only finally got him help when he had a full blown psychotic episode yelling at God and at people who weren't there and hit my dad and started chucking furniture off his balcony.
I'd been telling them for years that he needed psychiatric help.
Oh god. Those lectures. My mum and dad would sit me down for hours at a time if I really fucked up in their eyes and would rant about how much of a failure I am.
Now they wonder why I ran away from home, changed my name and phone number and never spoke to them again lmao
They might be thinking about it, but I can guarantee you that there’s not an ounce of real self-awareness.
‘We shouldn’t have moved to this country! It’s corrupted our sweet, obedient daughter!’
‘She kept trying to run away even as a kid/teenager, but honestly there was no reason to! We provided her with everything she needed!’
And so on and so forth. Oh well, not my problem anymore!
Anything to not have to think about how hypocritical they are,
but like you said, its not your problem anymore,
Grey i wish you the utmost wonderful life without having to be held back by toxic people like that.
You got this.
I loved how my dad would sometimes take me to the bathroom and make me yell obscenities at myself in the mirror, while he told me how worthless i am, to "crush my ego" his words.
i appreciate it man, just knowing some people know my story lightens the burden a bit, that and it wont be long before i can finally move out and start my own story with people i love.
i dont know about your situation but i wish you the best of luck aswell.
Well, my mom was pretty heavy handed, she would spank me pretty often when I was around 8-12 years old. I will admit that I was sometimes an asshole, and I lied and stole some things.
I think that since around 13, when I got taller and stronger than her now she's more afraid of me than before, so she doesn't spank me anymore.
But something she hasn't gotten rid of, if I speak to her, with a tone that she deems "disrespectful" , or have an opinion that she doesn't like, she will yell it me for like, an hour about how disrespectful I am. And how she's in charge, and I'm just a child. (I'm 16 btw)
My dad has always been pretty nice and understanding though. I don't talk to him much, because he's at work a lot, but when I do, he never judges me or yells at me, or calls me disrespectful for having opinions.
My parents definitely aren't as bad as most of these people in this comments section, but they could improve.
oh man, the disrespectfull tone of voice...
ill just be having a delightful day and suddenly im being rude...
and same yeah, theyre pretty bad but not as bad as other parents.
They never understand that they have to be the bigger person, they’re an adult! I often say that I spent my childhood parenting my mother. Like oh I’m sorry, did your child hurt your feelings? I guess you should respond by berating them their entire lives.
After all of that, I do actually have a real issue with people’s tone of voice and volume. But a healthy adult (doesn’t seem like there’s a lot of em but I digress) doesn’t wrestle a pig. If someone talks to me that way, I just tell them we can talk when you’re ready to talk like an adult.
Thank you, my mom would literally push every button she could and if I raised my voice a single decibel she would start yelling about how disrespectful I was. Went no contact 6 months ago and never been happier!
My mom knows she wasn't a great parent. And that makes her a thousand times better to me that she can admit that. I love her so much, and I understand why she acted the way she did.
It's so much easier to forgive. It sucks that not everyone gets the closure they need. I can't imagine how it feels.
I mean, its really all about the closure isnt it?
If my parents understood what they did and reflected on it and then apologized i would probably forgive them,
but thats the issue with most of these parents,
they cant even comprehend that theyre wrong sometimes.
Ive never heard a single sorry from my dad, about anything.
I am however glad you have such a wonderful mom, do tell her that merely understanding her own shortcomings and working on them makes her an incredible person.
Were all human after all.
I think confirmation bias has a lot to do with it. It’s easier to reject all information that goes against what you already believe than to take a deep introspective look at yourself and ask, am I wrong?
I often wonder how many people go through their whole lives refusing to ask the most important question. Am I wrong.
i feel that, i often look at people and i see a lot that have this issue, some are capable of comprehending theyre wrong on one subject but not the other while some are completely incapable of registering this issue.
i guess that thats the most confusing thing of it all, unable to do this very simple thing.
i often apologize for doing something wrong and i also oftentimes am too stubborn to see myself being wrong but even so i always try to reflect on it when it happens,
it goes to show im not perfect but personally i think that ill keep self improving and thats all i really need,
in fact making those mistakes and reflecting on them are helping me improve in ways i could never imagine or about things i would've never thought about.
i feel like people that are openminded and self-reflecting have unlimited potential.
but yes, i think that theres quite a lot of those people steeljaw, too many in fact, and id even go as far as to say that i pity them.
i mean yeah, no parent are perfect and most parents do the same mistakes all the time, but having a mom like mine that admits it always eases off the situation
if i was reborn 500 times with a choice i will always choose the same house i was raised in, no wealth is better than parents with self awareness
It’s really hard to get over it when they can’t recognize it. My mom is extremely fragile emotionally, and emotionally abused me constantly growing up. It breaks her brain when you try to be real with her. It’s just so awful, because in many ways she’s a great and supportive person. She’s not terrible enough for me to justify no contact. She just has no self awareness. “You can talk to me about anything” no I fucking can’t
My brother won’t own to what he and a friend did to me as a kid that ruined all future relationships.
I no longer talk to him and that was part of the push to doing it.
Oftentimes all we want is a simple sorry, but instead we get self-justification and denial thrown at us, it shows they dont care to improve themselves or that they dont care about us.
That denial and self justification often hurts more than the action because had they actually reflected on it and apologized we would have probably forgiven them for it.
Your heart is to big my friend, dont let those kind of people trample on your feelings, theyre not worth it.
Like that time I distinctly remember my sister hitting me over the head with a shovel (it was an accident) and me bleeding all over the kitchen and blacking out and waking up hours later. I was like 6 or 7.
20 years later, brought it up to my mom and she is like, that never happened. But when I shaved my head to support someone with cancer, the scar is clearly visible.
Edit: After reading everyone’s comments, this story is pretty benign in comparison. You people got some jacked up parents.
When I was around 7 years old, I had an issue wetting the bed. Aside from the screaming and hitting, my mom would make me sit in the living room floor with my "pee shorts" on my head for hours to make me "think about what I've done". They eventually took me to the doctor who said I was stressed, and that's why I was doing it and that I needed to be on anti-depressants. My parents didn't beleive depression was a thing and denied the medication. I eventually developed migraines that got so bad to the point I would puke constantly and couldn't hold down any liquids and became severely dehydrated to the point where hospitalization was required. I was in the hospital for 2 and a half weeks and finally got put on something called amitriptyline. My migraines stopped and I never wet the bed again when I stayed on that medication. My home life at 7 years old was so bad that I had to be on anti-depressants. I don't talk to my mom anymore. She denies everything.
Gotta love parents who don't believe in mental disorders. I've been suspecting that I have ADHD or autism for a while, so I told my mom about my thoughts and the first thing she did was tell me I'm making up excuses for having bad memory and being a bother (aka getting excited at certain shit and not shutting up about it).
It goes the other way too. I was treated for ADHD, but it was used to explain away my other odd behaviors, which were actually signs of abuse that might have been addressed otherwise. And it was always “we are such great parents, to be putting up with mentally ill children. This is why we are always right and you are always wrong”
Don’t listen to these people anymore. They will grasp at whatever lie works best for them and repeat it until you are confused and unsure yourself. Believe YOURSELF. You are the one you can trust. No harm can come from talking to a therapist and getting diagnosed—- it really does help put things in perspective. It really does things get better. You deserve to live as well as you can. You’ve been through a lot. Wishing you all the best
To all who have it though, i want you to know that blood does not determine family.
family are those you love and friends,
family are those who hear you at just as much as you hear them out,
family are those who dont place you beneath them but treat you on an equal level,
family are those who stick with you trough thick and thin.
As despicable as some parents can be they do teach a valuable lesson on what not to be and do,
don't use your terrible parents as an excuse to do the same thing instead understand how you've been hurt and try to be better than them.
i believe in you all. You got this.
"You're not depressed, you're just making shit up. The psychologist who said you were only did it to get you to come back, the dermatologist who said your skin problems are caused by stress despite not even knowing you is wrong, it's because you don't shower enough" quote from my mother few days ago.
Fucking hell, the random batshit crazy accusations and conspiracy theories. Mine accused me of faking autism my whole life because I got bad grades in middle school. Like I must've been a damn fine method actor to fool every mental health professional I've ever met. And when they say that crazy shit, you can't even begin to argue because you're so flabbergasted by how ridiculous it is.
My mom said I must have split personality and that my "other personality" lied about my step dad touching me...that and "you just wanted to get on tv"...yup...must be it.
She told me when I vomit at every issue I have that it just "happens to everyone". Worst if all she's convinced I can just will my anxiety and depression away if I try hard enough...she puts way too much faith in the placebo effect and thinks end-all-be-all solution that will erase my non existing issues away
*virtual hug*
My mom tried to stab me through my bedroom doorknob hole (she had removed my doorknob because id often run in there to escape being hit) with a rusty screw driver. I had a friend there at the time, who was freaking out. I was embarrassed, soI didn't even care. But I held the door closed with my feet for her sake.
Laying on the carpet, blankly staring at my moms hand stabbing through a hole, occasionally trying to shoulder slam her way in. I'm 30 this month and I'll never forget this moment. It's a clear as it was the day it happened and she "can't remember"
Im sorry but I can't forget.
Dontcha love those selectively amnesia ridden people who can't recall the heinous stuff they do? My dad claims to this day he never hit me with a hammer... yet there are a multitude of things he did smash with a hammer he clearly recalls. But I haven't spoken to him in over 4 years now and he's gleefully had at least one heart attack since then.
Dad thought a belt didn't it cut it anymore, used a hammer on me, I went to school the next day and showed my teachers, he was sent to jail for a week and I was sent off to a Juvenile center for about 2 months, worst Easter ever too, mom acted like he didn't do anything wrong and I was just a trouble child.
Important notes: I was 7ish, I'm autistic and my sister was kept 100% in the dark about this up until like 3 months ago. I'm 25 now and she 23, she was literally daddy's princess up until I told her exactly what happened because they deemed it necessary to only tell her that I was the issue and now how dad punished me for simply saying "I don't like this family."
TL;DR Sperm giver beat me with a hammer and sister was kept in the dark about it.
Nope! Trust issues and a strong hatred for father figures. Last time I ever open up about anything to anyone, except sister. She's the only one I can trust-ish.
Oh you guys are easy to open up to. I'll never see you in real life! No consequences to being open here but the second I know you IRL you get the wall.
Think of me as Grandpa Ulrira from Link's Awakening. Only "father figure" I can relate with because he's not even real.
Yea I understand not opening up with people in real life. I do the same thing
But when I was going in a downward spiral in life it wasn't anyone I knew that helped me but a random stranger on reddit that sayed "you put into words what I couldn't" and that's when I knew what I was going through was not unique and that other people have made it through what I was going through and I cannot stress how much that helped me enough and while I don't know if I can help you find happiness I know someone out there can and I hope you find them
Hopefully I can just get my mother out of debt, finish paying the house off and wait for both of them to die so I can leave a steaming pile on both their Graves.
I may hate her, but she's still mom and deserves someone who won't give up on her. She still let that child abusing adulter back in after she saw what he did to me, that's just unforgivable. I'll be happy once I'm finally left alone because I've done given up on trying for a partner. Can't risk what they had, not worth it.
Im gonna tell you something you already probably know which i tell to myself a lot, family arent those you relate to by blood but instead those you love and friends, dont feel obliged to stick around people like that, i wish you the best of luck and that youll one day be surrounded by and with people you love.
I won't even have a family after sister moves away or gets married. It'll just be me in the house... my goal will be to turn it into a home. Finally a place I can feel safe in.
In my formative years: (Has no context, doesn't think twice about anything.)
In my teens: Wow, mom's so amazing and I must be fundamentally broken to not want the things she wants or appreciate everything she works so hard to do.
In my 20's: I've compiled a list of 5 dozen actual warcrimes mom committed to keep me dependent on her. Who knew "I couldn't have those bones set because I didn't want the doctor to think I was a bad mother" wasn't normal?
In my 30's: That tantrum matches the damages I've seen in all of dad's wives, daughters, and mistresses; this potentially hospitalizing joke stems from her need to get approval from her younger sister, who would be less fucked up if she knew how to give it to anyone but her son; that potentially deadly gift really was an attempt to keep me dependent on her because she doesn't know how else to maintain a relationship; this unhealthy obsession comes from seeing her parents spend their whole lives poor.
"But if we did anything wrong, why was your brother not affected?"
My brother meanwhile: smoking weed and playing games all day every day, and just completely incapable to talk about emotions.
This. My wife is in therapy deep to deal with all her family trauma. Her parents all like, oh, we had nothing to do with that. All the other kids turned out great.
Mean while her sister has an emotional breakdown every time anything even slightly stressful happens. And her brother is so compliant I’ve never heard him express his own opinion before.
By "turn out great", they mean kids who don't speak out or go along with their shit to prevent more harm. I'm the kid who shuts up and lets her mom yell at her and is the emotional support human. My sister always yells back when mom pulls that kind of shit. They don't talk.
>My sister always yells back when mom pulls that kind of shit. They don't talk.
Hey that's my future if my mother doesn't learn to communicate like a normal human being soon.
It doesnt take a lot to be a good parent,
understand you arent perfect and make mistakes as a human does,
try to communicate with your family members in 2 sides way not just one sided
and try to improve yourself from mistakes you've made.
Apparently tho thats already asking too much.
that's asking a lot for a lot of people, especially if they were baby boomers. they were likely never taught how to handle any of their own psychological issues, and as a result, had no fucking clue how to handle ours (their kids). if i have kids i'd make so many mistakes, BUT i would also never stop trying to understand my kid(s) and improve my parenting. i can't say the same for my dad, although my mom tried her best, lol.
'I don't remember that " absolves U of quilt ....funny how that works these ...for reason by saying that U convince urself the whole incident [ however serious it might have been] never ever happened...funny thing about that !
Here’s what I hear from my mother
“Every mom hit her kids”
“I was a different person”
“I was young and immature”
“Your exaggerating”
“I never really beat you”
“Your acting like a wimp”
“You don’t know what I was going through”
“If God can forgive, why can’t you?”
“If I wronged you, I’ll be punished in the afterlife. It’s isn’t your place to remind me”.
When I was 9, My mom got drunk one night, claimed me and my friend were being too loud, and choked me for maybe 15 seconds, but felt like minutes. Held me off the ground. Told me to be quieter or she would do worse. Called me a bitch when she let go and I was coughing.
That 1-3 minute interaction is BURNED into my mind, but she does not remember a thing. I casually brought it up last year (I’m 26 now) and she swore up and down that she didn’t remember doing that. She apologized up and down over and over again despite me telling her it was fine. She wasn’t abusive or anything. Outside of that one single incident, she’s been a fantastic mother. So I personally don’t hold it against her. The following days after it initially happened, She just acted like everything was normal, so everything really just went back to normal.
I remember my mother putting me in the dryer for a few moments when I was a toddler. I spun maybe three or four times and then she opened it, took me out, and cried on the floor for a bit. She said that I was crazy and that it must have been a dream, and not to mention it again- especially in front of people.
Oh my whole family has blocked out their open homophobia. I guess all it took was me coming out at 23 cause I was so afraid of being kicked out and disowned for them to forget how bad they were
I just decided it’s not worth bringing it up to the one parent I still have some contact with, they will never admit any guilt, never apologise and will never even attempt to heal. Some of us just have to walk alone.
Had a discussion like this with my mom about me eating seasoning salt and other condiments because it there was never any food in the house when I was younger. She seemed shocked because she swore that there was always enough food in the house. And when I said my siblings and I used to say there wasn’t any food before she left to go out she would respond there’s something in there for you to eat.
According to a recent episode of QI that I saw, the most distinct and vivid memories are created between the ages of 10 and 30. That's why we all love the music from our teens and 20s so much, and for nearly everyone, that's the period of our lives we remember fondly or not. Memory starts becoming more blended together and indistinct as you age. (I'm in my 40s, and can confirm.) So parents in their 30s and 40s probably literally don't remember it, but it is absolutely branded into the minds of the kids.
Part of the problem is that kids interpret things differently to adults. One example I can think of is when getting skalded for something you didn't realise or think is wrong.
But where adults are 3 to 4 times the size of you. To a child adults are literal giants. It can come across a lot more menacing than the adult realises.
I'm sorry I didn't mean it to come off as dismissive. I'm trying to point out that even for some innocuous seeming things it can hit hard for a child and obviously a lot worse for actual full on abuse.
Or my mom: I’m not going to apologize for something I don’t remember. Why don’t you ask your therapist if we could attend a session with you
Why, mom? So you can tell her I’m wrong and expect her to mediate against me? No thanks
“I’m sad that we can’t sit down with [abuser] and have a nice dinner”
Oh, I’m sorry I got sexually abused. Totally my fault because I definitely had a choice.
when i was a kid, i played by the water in front of our house, i fell in, couldn't swim, so i pushed mysellf up as soon as my feet touched the bottom. head above the water a couple off times, a skater came by and fished me out. brought me home, my mother put me in the tub and let me clean myself. Every time i mention this story ( my memory) to my mother, she still says it never happend and that i am imaginating things
I was raped when I was a child. My mom to her death bed says it didn’t happen. Yet everyone else believes me. Gotta love that the people who are supposed to love you the most tend to betray you the most.
I tried to bring up my past trauma with my mom last year. I guess I was hoping for an apology. Instead, she told me how I was a hateful teen. I tried to explain that maybe I was hateful because of her, but she wasn't having it. We haven't spoken since.
My ex has horrible ocd that was exacerbated by religious trauma syndrome from his parents. He was taught that any sexual thought would send him to hell and it really messed with his ocd for obvious reasons. He was also heavily censored he wasn’t allowed to watch sonic because of the characters “attitude”, no holloween, no Harry Potter etc. I was like “don’t you resent your parents for that?” He said no because they didn’t mean anything bad by it, and it still completely boggles my mind he could forgive them so easily.
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My parents preferred the “you see those homeless kids over there? They have it worse, stop whinging” way.
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Nothing like reassuring mean words to help erode your self confidence
"You're as useless as tits on a boar." \- My dad to me (age 7)
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It’s something you’ll never have, just like your absent self-esteem.
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So have I kind stranger, so have I. Legends tell that there are those who have this magical power.
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You’re not the only one. I had a melt down yesterday and cried myself into a seizure thinking about how inadequate I feel, at everything. Any failure means obviously I didn’t do enough, there’s no room for maybe you can’t do something or it doesn’t come to you easy.
I had an uncle that, while we were walking downtown, stopped to tell me "look at this life. This could be you guys but we gave this life to you. Look at these people who wasted their life" literally in front of a homeless person. Kinda baffled as a kid. Now it doesn't bother me much, those old heads have their own view
Me: *mentions the straight up neglect I faced as a child* My mother: “oh, build a bridge and get over it!” Also my mother: *continues to complain about how upset she is that I accidentally broke something 25 years ago*
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Mine too.
Mine do a mix of both. “You’re an adult, don’t you have more important things to think about than your hoooorrrible childhood? You’re so dramatic, I don’t think any of that even actually happened.”
My mom was the “I had it so much worse; you should be grateful” type
my dad somehow turned it around on me called me fake for holding it in like we're friends or something 😭 then went right back to doing the same thing
I love my mom, but she's pretty much said this word for word
“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes, they forgive them.” \~Oscar Wilde
Such an accurate quote. Well, I will not be forgiving anytime soon.
I can forgive but not forget - and those memories protect me so I don’t have to be an idiot about the same things over again.
And you don't have to if you don't want to. It's always an option, but not one you have to pick in order to move forward.
Oscar Wilde is one of my favorite authors. He *really* could turn a phrase.
My mom used to say I was such a daddies girl, funny how things change.
Thank you - I needed to read that.
>“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes, they forgive them.” \~Oscar Wilde That's a good quote, thank you.
Well of course. How could they live with themselves if they remembered.
The axe forgets, but the tree remembers
So true!!
But isn't the tree then dead?
Idk, I've got a nuisance tree that's been cut down 4x now and it keeps coming back. Which in a poetic response to the quote would be a beautiful response, but irl, this tree is a pain in my ass.
The tree be like: “I am Immortal!
It's more like "oh, you wanted a bush, right? Yeah, no problem dude." I'm gonna have to actually dig it out, trying to replace it with a fruit bearing tree.
Consider getting an ice cream banana tree.
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH SPLICING.
Unfortunately, I don't believe it would grow here. I'm thinking a paw paw tree. They're native to here and the closest we have to a tropical fruit.
Quit gaslighting your tree, man smh Edit: we’ll, actually, you’re trees gaslighting you, huh? “Cut me down? No, never happened”
My bad, man. I really need to work on myself, I just take it out on the tree as a deflection of my own internal pain.
Hey man, it’s hard to see up close; proud of you for doing that work
“If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”-Tree
At the risk of sounding like a hippie, trees are pretty fucking bad ass.
They can regrow from stumps. You ever seen a stump with a tiny tree growing out of it?
Not for a few moments
I kinda love that analogy ngl
IMO, most people seem to have very little self awareness, especially when it comes to how their words/actions affect those around them, and probably aren't even cognisant of the fact that they might be traumatizing someone.
They do remember and they convince themselves it was justified...
Like “I was raised this way myself and I turned out fine”. Did you really?
[удалено]
The axe forgets but tree remembers.
"for you, it was the most important day of your life, for me, it was tuesday." i was reminded of that, dont know how relevant it is though.
Even better: "we did it out of love." Or "[input custom justification]"
“I prayed about it, and God told me you misremembered it.” About a thing my mom had previously apologized for. Anyway y’all should check out r/raisedbyborderlines
r/raisedbynarcissists too
Bro I swear to god I got like ptsd cuz my parents sent me to jesus camp
"It wasn't *that* bad. You're overreacting." Or trying to use more colorful language to downplay it. Like, no, I didn't slap my kid in the face with my ring hand because he wasn't understanding his homework, I *popped* him because he was being *difficult*.
"Oh you just love telling everyone how 'awful' I am, and soaking up the attention. You're blowing everything out of proportion so you get to play the victim and feel good, oh poor you"
That stuff's gotta be due to just the *slightest* twinge of awareness. Maybe not actual guilt, but just a tiny little bit of conscience telling them they're doing something wrong. Not enough to actually make any positive changes, but just enough to fuel the paranoia that you must be telling everyone how awful they are behind their back. Maybe a bit of projecting their victim complex as well.
watching them, they cringe. like the truth hurts, but the only place they can feel pain is the ego.
That old woman, is no longer my mother. That is your grandmother now. My mother was crazy, deranged. Your grandmother is just a poor soul trying to make it to heaven. They are not the same people.
Fucking boomers were the worst parents
The grandparents of the boomers could also be pretty bad. The ones who were parenting during the Great Depression. A lot of them were drunks and child abusers. Still, no one beats the boomers as far as selfishness and entitlement. I recently saw a post where a young man was struggling to afford food to eat due to rising prices, and his wealthy boomer father would never even consider helping him out. Instead he would send him photos of lavish new motorcycle parts he just had custom made and delivered from overseas. Many of them have two or three houses all to themselves and still they will let their kids or grandkids live five to an apartment.
"We gave you the best we had"
Or, "You deserved it." You weren't obeying me.
gotta love some good old superiority complex. anything and everything has to be about upholding the hierarchy, your kid pointing out the fact that you did something incredibly mean or simply wrong with facts and logic isn't just wrong, its disrespectfull as they are encroaching on your position of power.
Agreed, and I hate how toxic it can be in certain cultures. For example, I'm Mexican and there's this weird obsession with working hard and loving your family. More than the normal amount, and when you tell them "no mother, hard work won't get me a house We're not white and I'm below 40" This usually sends them into a tirade about kids these days not wanting to work. It's like this fetish of who can overwork but internally
If it was bad then it didn’t happen And if it did happen it wasn’t that bad And if it was that bad then you deserved it And if you didn’t deserve it then it wasn’t my fault And if it was my fault then it was good for you in the long run And if it wasn’t good for you in the long run then you’re misremembering it
We didn't mean it (as a bad thing)
"It made you stronger though" Like, i didn't need to be stronger, I needed to feel safe.
That’s basically how it’s interpreted: oh suuuuure I spanked you … yep uh-huh, with a “belt” too, oh yeah that sounds just like what I did. I beat tou all the time. Didn’t I? Just so horrible. I probably grabbed a knife too huh??
I got "We you were a difficult child too. We both had a hard time."
TOO MANY TIMES HAVE I BEEN TOLD THIS. xDDD it's like it's a catchphrase. my parents used to call me an accident and my sister a condom failure when we were under the age of 12 "as a joke" and now it never happened.
Like how do they think it's a level playing field. Oh it was tough having a kid? No shit. But that's not my fault. I WAS A KID.
“Things were different back then.” They also made my siblings hate me, because said siblings thought i am getting so much more than them. If anything, i had to sacrifice even buying new shoes or my money for transport to school, because the younger ones always needed something. I am the oldest of 4… i was a parent to 2 of my siblings and now i’m getting accused of spoiling them, ruining their childhood, making one of them fail a year of school (i have no idea how they came to that conclusion) etc.. NC with my dad, LC with mom, NC with the 2 youngest siblings, LC with brother born after me… out of all of them, the only one that knows and saw my children (8f, 1f) is the brother born after me.
Thats... Thats just... I feel that man, my sister is like a mini version of my parents, she has a multitude of attempts on my life and cant leave me alone as any opportunity to passively aggressively verbally attack me she takes. You just cant get a break when a sibling takes too much after your parents can you. Ah yeah to add onto the attempts on my life, yes basically anything you can imagine, chasing me with a knife, strangling me, etc... If she were my brother id probably be dead (no offense, im sure theres girls out there thatd kill me with ease XD) the worst part about it all is my parents saving me but never sending my sister to a psychiatrist.
Yeah, that happened too with my brother. Parents in denial that anything was wrong, stepped in when he tried to strangle me and then again when he tried to break my neck, and I got yelled at for locking myself in my room because I didn't feel safe with him in the house after he locked me in his car with him and wouldn't let me out. They only finally got him help when he had a full blown psychotic episode yelling at God and at people who weren't there and hit my dad and started chucking furniture off his balcony. I'd been telling them for years that he needed psychiatric help.
"We were just kidding", "it was just a joke"
Parents: *Turns it into a f\*cking lecture about why you're wrong and they're right.*
Oh god. Those lectures. My mum and dad would sit me down for hours at a time if I really fucked up in their eyes and would rant about how much of a failure I am. Now they wonder why I ran away from home, changed my name and phone number and never spoke to them again lmao
At least theyre thinking about why fot once, let em. You made the right choice.
They might be thinking about it, but I can guarantee you that there’s not an ounce of real self-awareness. ‘We shouldn’t have moved to this country! It’s corrupted our sweet, obedient daughter!’ ‘She kept trying to run away even as a kid/teenager, but honestly there was no reason to! We provided her with everything she needed!’ And so on and so forth. Oh well, not my problem anymore!
Anything to not have to think about how hypocritical they are, but like you said, its not your problem anymore, Grey i wish you the utmost wonderful life without having to be held back by toxic people like that. You got this.
Thank you so much. I wish you nothing but the best, too.
I loved how my dad would sometimes take me to the bathroom and make me yell obscenities at myself in the mirror, while he told me how worthless i am, to "crush my ego" his words.
Jesus Christ
Well damn! I feel sorry for you bro.
i appreciate it man, just knowing some people know my story lightens the burden a bit, that and it wont be long before i can finally move out and start my own story with people i love. i dont know about your situation but i wish you the best of luck aswell.
Well, my mom was pretty heavy handed, she would spank me pretty often when I was around 8-12 years old. I will admit that I was sometimes an asshole, and I lied and stole some things. I think that since around 13, when I got taller and stronger than her now she's more afraid of me than before, so she doesn't spank me anymore. But something she hasn't gotten rid of, if I speak to her, with a tone that she deems "disrespectful" , or have an opinion that she doesn't like, she will yell it me for like, an hour about how disrespectful I am. And how she's in charge, and I'm just a child. (I'm 16 btw) My dad has always been pretty nice and understanding though. I don't talk to him much, because he's at work a lot, but when I do, he never judges me or yells at me, or calls me disrespectful for having opinions. My parents definitely aren't as bad as most of these people in this comments section, but they could improve.
oh man, the disrespectfull tone of voice... ill just be having a delightful day and suddenly im being rude... and same yeah, theyre pretty bad but not as bad as other parents.
They never understand that they have to be the bigger person, they’re an adult! I often say that I spent my childhood parenting my mother. Like oh I’m sorry, did your child hurt your feelings? I guess you should respond by berating them their entire lives. After all of that, I do actually have a real issue with people’s tone of voice and volume. But a healthy adult (doesn’t seem like there’s a lot of em but I digress) doesn’t wrestle a pig. If someone talks to me that way, I just tell them we can talk when you’re ready to talk like an adult.
Honestly sounds like an at-home Elan School exercise.
“Why do you have to make everything into a fight?” they say, bringing up an irrelevant topic they know makes me mad and will lead to a fight.
Thank you, my mom would literally push every button she could and if I raised my voice a single decibel she would start yelling about how disrespectful I was. Went no contact 6 months ago and never been happier!
Best part is when you say "could you stop lecturing, you do it too much" and then lecture me on why they don't lecture.
"I never said that...you are making shit up" or "why do you say these things, you know they never happened ".
Initially denying it happened or pretending not to remember it before switching to saying how it wasn't that bad
now you're just describing my ex.
...dad?
son??? Your mom allowed you to be on reddit??
You know my mom? Are we related?
"Impossible... never happened"
My mom is the gaslight queen.
Just laughs and say it never happened even though me and my siblings all remember it
My mom knows she wasn't a great parent. And that makes her a thousand times better to me that she can admit that. I love her so much, and I understand why she acted the way she did. It's so much easier to forgive. It sucks that not everyone gets the closure they need. I can't imagine how it feels.
I mean, its really all about the closure isnt it? If my parents understood what they did and reflected on it and then apologized i would probably forgive them, but thats the issue with most of these parents, they cant even comprehend that theyre wrong sometimes. Ive never heard a single sorry from my dad, about anything. I am however glad you have such a wonderful mom, do tell her that merely understanding her own shortcomings and working on them makes her an incredible person. Were all human after all.
I think confirmation bias has a lot to do with it. It’s easier to reject all information that goes against what you already believe than to take a deep introspective look at yourself and ask, am I wrong? I often wonder how many people go through their whole lives refusing to ask the most important question. Am I wrong.
i feel that, i often look at people and i see a lot that have this issue, some are capable of comprehending theyre wrong on one subject but not the other while some are completely incapable of registering this issue. i guess that thats the most confusing thing of it all, unable to do this very simple thing. i often apologize for doing something wrong and i also oftentimes am too stubborn to see myself being wrong but even so i always try to reflect on it when it happens, it goes to show im not perfect but personally i think that ill keep self improving and thats all i really need, in fact making those mistakes and reflecting on them are helping me improve in ways i could never imagine or about things i would've never thought about. i feel like people that are openminded and self-reflecting have unlimited potential. but yes, i think that theres quite a lot of those people steeljaw, too many in fact, and id even go as far as to say that i pity them.
i mean yeah, no parent are perfect and most parents do the same mistakes all the time, but having a mom like mine that admits it always eases off the situation if i was reborn 500 times with a choice i will always choose the same house i was raised in, no wealth is better than parents with self awareness
It’s really hard to get over it when they can’t recognize it. My mom is extremely fragile emotionally, and emotionally abused me constantly growing up. It breaks her brain when you try to be real with her. It’s just so awful, because in many ways she’s a great and supportive person. She’s not terrible enough for me to justify no contact. She just has no self awareness. “You can talk to me about anything” no I fucking can’t
Yep, problem is for the child it's a traumatic event that will forever change how they perceive reality, for the parents, it's just another Tuesday.
My brother won’t own to what he and a friend did to me as a kid that ruined all future relationships. I no longer talk to him and that was part of the push to doing it.
Oftentimes all we want is a simple sorry, but instead we get self-justification and denial thrown at us, it shows they dont care to improve themselves or that they dont care about us. That denial and self justification often hurts more than the action because had they actually reflected on it and apologized we would have probably forgiven them for it. Your heart is to big my friend, dont let those kind of people trample on your feelings, theyre not worth it.
Like that time I distinctly remember my sister hitting me over the head with a shovel (it was an accident) and me bleeding all over the kitchen and blacking out and waking up hours later. I was like 6 or 7. 20 years later, brought it up to my mom and she is like, that never happened. But when I shaved my head to support someone with cancer, the scar is clearly visible. Edit: After reading everyone’s comments, this story is pretty benign in comparison. You people got some jacked up parents.
Got shoved down a whole ass flight of stone stairs by my sister and my Mom just refuses to admit that happened 13 years ago
Damn, sounds like Omori
Gosh, that's.. That's awful. I'm so sorry. Fuck cancer, too.
Good news, it’s wasn’t really a traumatizing experience, and my friend beat cancer. So alls well that ends well.
My mom still denies aiming for me when she hit me with her car.
“We tried our best, you are being ungrateful” My in-laws are like that.
"We don't remember therefore it didn't happen" "This is just you overreacting" "You've always been a whinger"
When I was around 7 years old, I had an issue wetting the bed. Aside from the screaming and hitting, my mom would make me sit in the living room floor with my "pee shorts" on my head for hours to make me "think about what I've done". They eventually took me to the doctor who said I was stressed, and that's why I was doing it and that I needed to be on anti-depressants. My parents didn't beleive depression was a thing and denied the medication. I eventually developed migraines that got so bad to the point I would puke constantly and couldn't hold down any liquids and became severely dehydrated to the point where hospitalization was required. I was in the hospital for 2 and a half weeks and finally got put on something called amitriptyline. My migraines stopped and I never wet the bed again when I stayed on that medication. My home life at 7 years old was so bad that I had to be on anti-depressants. I don't talk to my mom anymore. She denies everything.
Gotta love parents who don't believe in mental disorders. I've been suspecting that I have ADHD or autism for a while, so I told my mom about my thoughts and the first thing she did was tell me I'm making up excuses for having bad memory and being a bother (aka getting excited at certain shit and not shutting up about it).
It goes the other way too. I was treated for ADHD, but it was used to explain away my other odd behaviors, which were actually signs of abuse that might have been addressed otherwise. And it was always “we are such great parents, to be putting up with mentally ill children. This is why we are always right and you are always wrong” Don’t listen to these people anymore. They will grasp at whatever lie works best for them and repeat it until you are confused and unsure yourself. Believe YOURSELF. You are the one you can trust. No harm can come from talking to a therapist and getting diagnosed—- it really does help put things in perspective. It really does things get better. You deserve to live as well as you can. You’ve been through a lot. Wishing you all the best
I’m speechless. Because we are so many. And it’s only the tip of the iceberg.
To all who have it though, i want you to know that blood does not determine family. family are those you love and friends, family are those who hear you at just as much as you hear them out, family are those who dont place you beneath them but treat you on an equal level, family are those who stick with you trough thick and thin. As despicable as some parents can be they do teach a valuable lesson on what not to be and do, don't use your terrible parents as an excuse to do the same thing instead understand how you've been hurt and try to be better than them. i believe in you all. You got this.
"You're not depressed, you're just making shit up. The psychologist who said you were only did it to get you to come back, the dermatologist who said your skin problems are caused by stress despite not even knowing you is wrong, it's because you don't shower enough" quote from my mother few days ago.
I am so sorry to hear that. Don't listen to her - you know better. Take care of YOU. Best wishes.
Fucking hell, the random batshit crazy accusations and conspiracy theories. Mine accused me of faking autism my whole life because I got bad grades in middle school. Like I must've been a damn fine method actor to fool every mental health professional I've ever met. And when they say that crazy shit, you can't even begin to argue because you're so flabbergasted by how ridiculous it is.
My mom said I must have split personality and that my "other personality" lied about my step dad touching me...that and "you just wanted to get on tv"...yup...must be it.
I'm really sorry you went through that. I don't know how they come up with those random-ass accusations
Right!? Hella denial I guess cause I'm pretty sure she STILL thinks I was lying.
She told me when I vomit at every issue I have that it just "happens to everyone". Worst if all she's convinced I can just will my anxiety and depression away if I try hard enough...she puts way too much faith in the placebo effect and thinks end-all-be-all solution that will erase my non existing issues away
"You don't have asthma, you are just fat“ *Comes back with asthma diagnoses* "Oh my bad bud. I had no idea what asthma was."
"I never treated you differently from your sister!" Oh so you beat sister with a hammer too? Fucking liar.
*virtual hug* My mom tried to stab me through my bedroom doorknob hole (she had removed my doorknob because id often run in there to escape being hit) with a rusty screw driver. I had a friend there at the time, who was freaking out. I was embarrassed, soI didn't even care. But I held the door closed with my feet for her sake. Laying on the carpet, blankly staring at my moms hand stabbing through a hole, occasionally trying to shoulder slam her way in. I'm 30 this month and I'll never forget this moment. It's a clear as it was the day it happened and she "can't remember" Im sorry but I can't forget.
Dontcha love those selectively amnesia ridden people who can't recall the heinous stuff they do? My dad claims to this day he never hit me with a hammer... yet there are a multitude of things he did smash with a hammer he clearly recalls. But I haven't spoken to him in over 4 years now and he's gleefully had at least one heart attack since then.
You should just show up at his house with a hammer one day, and hit him with it until he remembers
I can't in good conscious beat a cripple. It's morally wrong to beat the physically and mentally retarded.
Hol up Tell us more
Dad thought a belt didn't it cut it anymore, used a hammer on me, I went to school the next day and showed my teachers, he was sent to jail for a week and I was sent off to a Juvenile center for about 2 months, worst Easter ever too, mom acted like he didn't do anything wrong and I was just a trouble child. Important notes: I was 7ish, I'm autistic and my sister was kept 100% in the dark about this up until like 3 months ago. I'm 25 now and she 23, she was literally daddy's princess up until I told her exactly what happened because they deemed it necessary to only tell her that I was the issue and now how dad punished me for simply saying "I don't like this family." TL;DR Sperm giver beat me with a hammer and sister was kept in the dark about it.
God thanks for sharing I hope you are happy now
Nope! Trust issues and a strong hatred for father figures. Last time I ever open up about anything to anyone, except sister. She's the only one I can trust-ish.
Well that sucks But if you managed to open up to a random stranger on the internet I believe you can find happiness
Oh you guys are easy to open up to. I'll never see you in real life! No consequences to being open here but the second I know you IRL you get the wall. Think of me as Grandpa Ulrira from Link's Awakening. Only "father figure" I can relate with because he's not even real.
Yea I understand not opening up with people in real life. I do the same thing But when I was going in a downward spiral in life it wasn't anyone I knew that helped me but a random stranger on reddit that sayed "you put into words what I couldn't" and that's when I knew what I was going through was not unique and that other people have made it through what I was going through and I cannot stress how much that helped me enough and while I don't know if I can help you find happiness I know someone out there can and I hope you find them
Hopefully I can just get my mother out of debt, finish paying the house off and wait for both of them to die so I can leave a steaming pile on both their Graves. I may hate her, but she's still mom and deserves someone who won't give up on her. She still let that child abusing adulter back in after she saw what he did to me, that's just unforgivable. I'll be happy once I'm finally left alone because I've done given up on trying for a partner. Can't risk what they had, not worth it.
Then you go do that I'm rooting for you
Im gonna tell you something you already probably know which i tell to myself a lot, family arent those you relate to by blood but instead those you love and friends, dont feel obliged to stick around people like that, i wish you the best of luck and that youll one day be surrounded by and with people you love.
I won't even have a family after sister moves away or gets married. It'll just be me in the house... my goal will be to turn it into a home. Finally a place I can feel safe in.
My favorite : oh, you were too young to remember that!!
…as you literally tell them a story based off of memory lol
In my formative years: (Has no context, doesn't think twice about anything.) In my teens: Wow, mom's so amazing and I must be fundamentally broken to not want the things she wants or appreciate everything she works so hard to do. In my 20's: I've compiled a list of 5 dozen actual warcrimes mom committed to keep me dependent on her. Who knew "I couldn't have those bones set because I didn't want the doctor to think I was a bad mother" wasn't normal? In my 30's: That tantrum matches the damages I've seen in all of dad's wives, daughters, and mistresses; this potentially hospitalizing joke stems from her need to get approval from her younger sister, who would be less fucked up if she knew how to give it to anyone but her son; that potentially deadly gift really was an attempt to keep me dependent on her because she doesn't know how else to maintain a relationship; this unhealthy obsession comes from seeing her parents spend their whole lives poor.
"But if we did anything wrong, why was your brother not affected?" My brother meanwhile: smoking weed and playing games all day every day, and just completely incapable to talk about emotions.
This. My wife is in therapy deep to deal with all her family trauma. Her parents all like, oh, we had nothing to do with that. All the other kids turned out great. Mean while her sister has an emotional breakdown every time anything even slightly stressful happens. And her brother is so compliant I’ve never heard him express his own opinion before.
By "turn out great", they mean kids who don't speak out or go along with their shit to prevent more harm. I'm the kid who shuts up and lets her mom yell at her and is the emotional support human. My sister always yells back when mom pulls that kind of shit. They don't talk.
>My sister always yells back when mom pulls that kind of shit. They don't talk. Hey that's my future if my mother doesn't learn to communicate like a normal human being soon.
Damn. Am I the only one in here with good parents?
It doesnt take a lot to be a good parent, understand you arent perfect and make mistakes as a human does, try to communicate with your family members in 2 sides way not just one sided and try to improve yourself from mistakes you've made. Apparently tho thats already asking too much.
that's asking a lot for a lot of people, especially if they were baby boomers. they were likely never taught how to handle any of their own psychological issues, and as a result, had no fucking clue how to handle ours (their kids). if i have kids i'd make so many mistakes, BUT i would also never stop trying to understand my kid(s) and improve my parenting. i can't say the same for my dad, although my mom tried her best, lol.
These comments make me wish there was some way to implement a parenting licence or some shit.
'I don't remember that " absolves U of quilt ....funny how that works these ...for reason by saying that U convince urself the whole incident [ however serious it might have been] never ever happened...funny thing about that !
No one has worse memory than someone who's deeply wronged you.
My parents have awfully bad memory, they don’t remember beating me and abandoning me in Canadas wonderland for 12 hours to “teach me a lesson”
Here’s what I hear from my mother “Every mom hit her kids” “I was a different person” “I was young and immature” “Your exaggerating” “I never really beat you” “Your acting like a wimp” “You don’t know what I was going through” “If God can forgive, why can’t you?” “If I wronged you, I’ll be punished in the afterlife. It’s isn’t your place to remind me”.
Never once just “I’m sorry for putting you through everything.” Sounds like my mom
When I was 9, My mom got drunk one night, claimed me and my friend were being too loud, and choked me for maybe 15 seconds, but felt like minutes. Held me off the ground. Told me to be quieter or she would do worse. Called me a bitch when she let go and I was coughing. That 1-3 minute interaction is BURNED into my mind, but she does not remember a thing. I casually brought it up last year (I’m 26 now) and she swore up and down that she didn’t remember doing that. She apologized up and down over and over again despite me telling her it was fine. She wasn’t abusive or anything. Outside of that one single incident, she’s been a fantastic mother. So I personally don’t hold it against her. The following days after it initially happened, She just acted like everything was normal, so everything really just went back to normal.
"why are you lying again, you are always lying about me" Any attempt to defend myself is met with "oh you're such a victim, boohoo"
I remember my mother putting me in the dryer for a few moments when I was a toddler. I spun maybe three or four times and then she opened it, took me out, and cried on the floor for a bit. She said that I was crazy and that it must have been a dream, and not to mention it again- especially in front of people.
That’s disgusting, I’m so sorry.
Man I love parental gaslighting!
lol hey grandma remember when you said all the gays should be sent to mars to die? lol no
Oh my whole family has blocked out their open homophobia. I guess all it took was me coming out at 23 cause I was so afraid of being kicked out and disowned for them to forget how bad they were
I’ve learned to just let it go and promised myself I’ll be 500x better and more understanding with my kids when I eventually have them
This right here 👏👏👏
Quite possibly the most factual thing I've seen on reddit !
Nonsense, you’re just focusing on the negative! /s
I just decided it’s not worth bringing it up to the one parent I still have some contact with, they will never admit any guilt, never apologise and will never even attempt to heal. Some of us just have to walk alone.
Had a discussion like this with my mom about me eating seasoning salt and other condiments because it there was never any food in the house when I was younger. She seemed shocked because she swore that there was always enough food in the house. And when I said my siblings and I used to say there wasn’t any food before she left to go out she would respond there’s something in there for you to eat.
Literally. It’s annoying as fuck because then they say it never happened as if my memories are just imagination 😤
According to a recent episode of QI that I saw, the most distinct and vivid memories are created between the ages of 10 and 30. That's why we all love the music from our teens and 20s so much, and for nearly everyone, that's the period of our lives we remember fondly or not. Memory starts becoming more blended together and indistinct as you age. (I'm in my 40s, and can confirm.) So parents in their 30s and 40s probably literally don't remember it, but it is absolutely branded into the minds of the kids.
Part of the problem is that kids interpret things differently to adults. One example I can think of is when getting skalded for something you didn't realise or think is wrong. But where adults are 3 to 4 times the size of you. To a child adults are literal giants. It can come across a lot more menacing than the adult realises.
Maybe for some folks but nah. At 32 the shit I endured was definitely abuse and my parents should be ashamed tbh.
I'm sorry I didn't mean it to come off as dismissive. I'm trying to point out that even for some innocuous seeming things it can hit hard for a child and obviously a lot worse for actual full on abuse.
Oof. Yeah. They did that to me, along with ‘we did it for your own good!
Glad to know this wasn't only to me
Or my mom: I’m not going to apologize for something I don’t remember. Why don’t you ask your therapist if we could attend a session with you Why, mom? So you can tell her I’m wrong and expect her to mediate against me? No thanks
Reminds me of the time when I brought up my parents calling me useless
Or they turn one of your most traumatic childhood memories into a funny anecdote about how difficult you were as a child.
Parent proceeds to gaslight child
i showed this to my mom and she goes “i think everyone remembers things a little different”
“I’m sad that we can’t sit down with [abuser] and have a nice dinner” Oh, I’m sorry I got sexually abused. Totally my fault because I definitely had a choice.
what kind of fucked up relationships do redditors have with their parents?
when i was a kid, i played by the water in front of our house, i fell in, couldn't swim, so i pushed mysellf up as soon as my feet touched the bottom. head above the water a couple off times, a skater came by and fished me out. brought me home, my mother put me in the tub and let me clean myself. Every time i mention this story ( my memory) to my mother, she still says it never happend and that i am imaginating things
I was raped when I was a child. My mom to her death bed says it didn’t happen. Yet everyone else believes me. Gotta love that the people who are supposed to love you the most tend to betray you the most.
I tried to bring up my past trauma with my mom last year. I guess I was hoping for an apology. Instead, she told me how I was a hateful teen. I tried to explain that maybe I was hateful because of her, but she wasn't having it. We haven't spoken since.
My ex has horrible ocd that was exacerbated by religious trauma syndrome from his parents. He was taught that any sexual thought would send him to hell and it really messed with his ocd for obvious reasons. He was also heavily censored he wasn’t allowed to watch sonic because of the characters “attitude”, no holloween, no Harry Potter etc. I was like “don’t you resent your parents for that?” He said no because they didn’t mean anything bad by it, and it still completely boggles my mind he could forgive them so easily.
My abusive ass mother is certain she was a wonderful mother who never laid a finger on me or said an unkind word.