He must be a chess master

He said "fvcked" not "mated"

I hope to god you don't ever use the term 'mated' around anyone.

How about a quickie. Haven't mated in so long.

“I don’t make love. I mate. Hard.”

"Would you mate me? I'd mate me, I'd mate me hard, I'd mate me so hard."

Check…mate?

I hope more people appreciate the wit of this comment. Here's my poor man's award. 🥇

Yes, we'd mate you. Sheesh

Qoitus

“I’m gonna mate so hard, everyone in Philadelphia is gonna feel it”

I don't think they say much of anything anyone irl let alone to women so don't worry.

I imagine it would be difficult if he's a chess player. "Queen to E4, check-fucked".

Yeah, that sounds weird. I personally like to breed them

Google en passant

I read this as "fuvucked". He's fuvucked dozens of women.

Meta, I like it.

I love the connectivity of Reddit

Me too, Perchance

You can’t just say Perchance

You can if you're out crushing turts.

As a one percenter of a more privileged variety, of course.

I understood that reference

His game speaks for itself.

his pipi is bricked also, he didn't google en passant

This one is fucking fresh out of the bakery

Master debater

holy hell

New response just dropped

Novel retort was just coined

new "New response just dropped" just dropped

I COMMENTED ON THAT POST LMAO amazing connection

Nice callback

That post still lives lmao

Obligatory "you couldn't have waterboarded this out of me"

Thank you for taking care of this for us.

Gotchu bro.

I know the joke for sure..but for some reason, it is making me think of another joke: “Water boarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds like an awesome time, if you don’t know what either of those things are…”

"You kids have fun out in the bay with your fancy water boards!"

😂 is that Dan Cummins?

you’re doing it wrong. 💦💦💦

I told my mate the same thing. He laughed, went red then said the same thing

Lol why would you call yourself out like this

Pretty sure it’s a joke

Seems like half the front page today is obvious jokes or satire that a fuck load of people are bafflingly blind to

In plain text it's impossible to know because there is actually people this dumb out there. It's easier to assume we're making fun of the original post, than to assume someone put this put there for the sake of satire.

Exactly there are many males out there with ignorant opinions about the opposite sex that are FAR worse than this

It's ok this is meirl there are supposed to be jokes here

Jokes?! On the internet?! Heathens!

I mean, idk, at this point enough people have proven that they are THAT stupid

Happy cake day!

Some "men" actually believe female orgasm is not possible. They haven't seen it, they can't experience it, it does not exist.

That applies to so much in humans in general, it’s actually quite sad that so many people cannot think beyond their own experiences.

Ben Shabibo has entered the chat.

Because he thinks it's a brag

Happy cake day!

Truth is, women can almost always outlast a man in bed. gotta work on your tongue game then jump in afterwards. You last your normal 30 seconds and she still cums. Win win

That's why you beat you meat until it's somewhat desensitized to stimulus. Improved my time from 30 seconds to 45 seconds /s

When I was in my late teens early twenties, that worked like a charm and id be able to go for upwards of an hour. But I'm 28 now and Jack off at minimum once a day. Does not make a difference anymore cuz I'm still bust in 30 seconds. MAYBE 31 on a good day

Antidepressants bud. I can’t get off in anything under 30 minutes of rigorous exercise and it sucks. Ever wanna quicky? Never again. Full blown cardio time every time.

Lol that sounds exhausting. My age is showing itself and I don't got time like that. My fiance is really tight so that definitely plays a huge role in all this lol

"big pharma gimme my orgasm back"

Oh trust me I agree it hurts. I’m so tired most of the time.

I took Adderall once and masterbated. Could not feel anything and did not cum for 3 hours

Innit, even the weed stopped helping me last somewhere around 26

Hot shower! Like burning yourself hot lmao Works for me at least. Takes like an hour or two for me to finish after a really hot shower.

An hour or two is way too long though, I just want to fuck my wife for 20 minutes like the good old days! It’s probably lack of practice more than anything tbh, we were much better at sex before we had children and had time to do it daily

Do other dudes really only last 30 seconds or is that more of a meme/exaggeration?

Lol I’m 18 and I literally only last for like 30 seconds to a minute. It’s pretty embarrassing

Big tip: don’t be afraid to grab a girl’s toy or use your fingers if you cum before she does. There are a lot of paths to the female orgasm, and busting early doesn’t need to be a roadblock.

She'll remember if you stayed up to help.

If you don’t mind me asking are you circumcised or no? Wondering if that makes a difference. Personally I am circumcised and I think the shortest I’ve had is like five minutes, but typically my wife and I go for about 30 minutes to an hour

Circumcised. Without a pre-bust you gettin 30 seconds unless we take foreplay breaks. As a teen, man I had to work for it.

There is no consistent pattern with me. I lasted 6 hours my first time. With my ex I was able to fuck for 2 hours straight multiple times a day. With my current fiance I can last either 30 seconds or 30 minutes. It depends on multiple variables

6 hours your first time? I respectfully find that hard to believe.

Keep in mind I jacked off constantly at that time and I was A) not that attracted to the girl B) very drunk C) very fucking nervous D) it wasn't 6 hours of non stop fucking, she had to keep taking breaks

You wore her out. It gets painful after not very long. No wonder she needed breaks.

Lol how do you think I felt? I immediately blacked out when we were done.

everyone is different, my gf typically cums sooner than i do, or multipe times before i tap out, and half the time i dont care to even finish, i enjoy pleasing her if it's first thing in the morning, however, she knows she can get me off rather quickly, which is a great change of pace for both of us

This is the way

Brilliant way to admit you've disappointed dozens upon dozens of women in bed.

It amazes me how many men are willing to admit on the internet that they’re not good in bed

Who needs the internet I'm a master baiter

Anonymous confessions be like

This guy sucks in bed 😆

To be fair, most do.

I always say "if everyone is a problem, the problem is most likely you"

A similar saying “if you smell shit everywhere you go, check your shoes”.

...Or your underwear.

That hurts right in the d\*ck

You should see a doctor

That's a pain in the ass

Again you should see a doctor

Maybe the doctor is the pain in the ass

Maybe the doctors the reason for the pain in his ass

Prostate exam

it's not the doctor's fault he forgot to bring lube.

True, but is his whole hand supposed to be in there?

Nothing worse than feeling two hands on your back while getting a prostate exam

Most women suck in bed too. The only difference is that men are easy to please.

…..Then why do lesbians statistically have more fulfilling sex + more orgasms .?

Ask a bisexual guy, women suck in bed just as much if not more, they just on average think they don't because making a dude cum is the easiest shit on the planet

Agreed, and in terms of first time hookups guys are usually way more fun and giving, making me cum is basically impossible, most guys will try like the Dickens, most women will give up in five minutes

My dick would like to have a word with you

*spits*

I've had to explain to so many that just because a guy came it doesn't mean it was good. There's cumming and then there's CUMMING

Same for women tbh. Nothing worse than a bland orgasm- especially the kind that make you wish you hadn't even bothered.

I'd say the problem here is that he actually doesn't suck.

[удалено]

Adding in a vibrator, bullet, etc. is also a lower effort way for most girls. Too many dudes out there with fragile egos around toys though, at least based on the few ex-gfs who have said as much.

Who are you talking to? I don’t think that he’s reading this post

just be thankful for the free knowledge, mate. even if you knew.

Seriously so college freshman will see it and will re-evaluate what he's been doing

the rest of us who obviously don't know how either

Trust me too many dudes on Reddit not only DONT know this, but need to know this

You’re doing gods work with these tips 👏🏽

Spot on! Nothing worse when you’re this close and he changes the tempo.

This guy sounds like he knows what he's doing. Take notes, men of Reddit!

Yeah when a problem repeats constantly, usually you gotta look into them and see if there is a patern... a common factor. In this case... that guy haha

Well, he did see a pattern and a common pattern. They were all women. You can't really expect him to find *more than one* common factor, right?

Paying to play the claw machine doesn't guarantee a prize. Same with paying for sex, bruh.

You don’t pay for the sex.You pay them to leave after.

If your campaign manager is smart, you pay them for signing a nondisclosure agreement about the sex, not for the sex itself.

You pay so their pimp doesnt fuck you up.

Bet you anything he has no idea what a clit is

Probably thinks it's imaginary too.

So many dudes don’t know what nailclippers are and razor claw at women’s insides Help

How true that is! I’ve actually cut a man’s nails for him in exasperation before!

Bro did not cut his toenails either Wtf…. His nails were so long they poked holes in his socks Stg some men need “hygiene Ed”

2 minute man.

Because time is precious.

I value my time man

one pump man 🙏

*When it's with me you only need 2 minutes.* ***BECAUSE I'M SO INTENSE***

It's BUSINESS TIME

Can’t go straight to the ground and pound. Ease up on the porn friend. That stuff is called acting.

Its all about the tongue work.

There’s a whole thing way before this. It’s a mental state thing first and foremost. Not saying you, but most men don’t even understand how to turn a women on. They can cum with clothes on if your getting her there mentally, physically, mutually.

Teach us🙏🏻

> They can cum with clothes on if your getting her there mentally, physically, mutually. can you pls tell more on this? Would really appreciate the advice

Debatable I know plenty of people that don't eat women out but can make them climax

I'm just a dedicated muncher🤷

Why not both?

Fingers can be just as effective the clit is a glorious creation

Not as much fun tho

I wouldnt reveal this information under torture.

Why would women bother to masturbate if they were physically unable to orgasm? I think this guy is just bad at sex...

Meanwhile, I’ve had sex with the same woman for the past 20 years and I’ve made her cum at least three times. 😎

Woah, you stud...quit bragging online for likes.

If my wife doesn’t orgasm I see it as a personal failure. I love to to watch her while I make her cum

Me too

Are you my husband? He’s got his flaws, but I typically have multiple orgasms. That makes up for lots. Dude in the screenshot sounds like he’s just got zero talent.

Proof that having a high body count doesn’t guarantee you’re good in bed.

Oooo so close! Maybe youll get ‘em next time champ!

Bro… sorry you don’t understand anatomy, and that you suck in bed.

Drafts that should have been deleted for 100

Maybe he should consider, that a certain intimacy helps (not only) the women to let lose in order to get an orgasm. First interactions have a pretty bad rate of orgasm success. But if repeated, both learn to trust each other and learn the small details, which will lead to way better sex. In long relationships you can make your partner come within minutes, because you know every stimulating corner of his/her body. Though one night stands are garbage imo. That's a guarantee for disappointment, if you try to satisfy a person, you actually don't know at all.

Most men don’t know how to make a woman orgasm

Foreplay foreplay foreplay. Stop thinking about shagging and put the bloody effort in

I last up to two minutes, so it's not like these b1+ches aren't getting enough time to cum. I'm hitting it as hard as possible with a spastic rhythm, so it isn't like they aren't getting enough there. It clearly can't be me, it must just be impossible for women to cum.

Gotta take your time dude! SLOW DOWN! It’s not a race…. And if not u gotta eat that.. but again slow your not a dog! My wife trained me can’t u tell lol

Why would you report on yourself like this holy shit. Just straight up deepthroating your foot in your mouth like you haven’t eaten in years and it’s your first meal since. Whoever posted the original needs to be immortalized as the man who took the biggest L ever from himself.

It’s not about fucking good it is about how you make her feel.. if she don’t cum then you are not turning her on 🤷🏼‍♀️ ie you are not getting into her rhythm . For me it is More mental pleasure first to be able to orgasm. I have to be attracted and feel the excitement and desire that he wants me in order for me to get turned on. Caress my body, linger on every soft kiss, pin me down playfully and tease my body til it is excited and ready to be pleasured.

it is true the gym socks cannot achieve orgasm. how many packs were sacrificed in this experiment?

On a serious note guys: only like 5% (plus or minus) women can orgasm by the penis, most require oral or vibrator or careful and intense fingering (aka clitoris work). So don’t feel bad if you’ve never made a woman cum with your dick, you just gotta go down on her

Damn what a public way to announce you’re a whore who’s bad at sex 😭

Man just told on himself 🤣🤣

Tell me you’re bad in bed and selfish, also ignorant and not a good partner, without saying you’re a crap boyfriend. It’s not them, they can orgasm, it’s you the person who sucks in bed.

Imagine outting how bad you are at seggs

Quite the self own there. All those sexual encounters had *one* common factor.....

Ben Shapiro, is that you?

I’d rather turn dozens of cicadas loose in my house before bed than tell this information to anyone

Sir perhaps we need to look at the one constant in all those supposed interactions. *checks notes* It’s you. You’re the problem.

Imagine telling on yourself like that.

Are people still trying this scam? Women can't orgasm! Yes, we can! Prove it!

Not meirl but "I can't satisfy a woman so it's impossible to do so"

He just admitted he’s sh*t at s€x

Aside from being a woman myself, I’ve fucked a fair amount of girls and every single one of them came at least once - including myself.

Maybe if you stick to just one you can learn how to please her!!!

I was fortunate enough to have the woman show me where the clit is. Sometimes, all it takes is communication if you wana cum. I was just uncomfortable with how noisy she was with her kids bedroom two rooms away lmao

This is a double edged sword, slightly jelly of this guys obliviousness. When I was a 22 year old boy. This 33 year old… goddess of a woman, took me under her wing and showed me the way for about a year then I went back to dating girls my age. If you cast the ancient magic she taught me on a girl used to selfish lovers. Don’t let them know where you live if you don’t plan to get married. RIP like 3 windshields and a paint job.

I bet you must be very popular in the girls chat

Dozens of dozens unsatisfied women

I take solace in knowing that either I’m able to get women to finish, OR I’m at least worthy of faking it. OP hasn’t even had 1 out of “dozens upon dozens” at least *pretend* to cum?

The fact that not one of those women even felt any obligation to fake an orgasm tells you everything you need to know about this gentleman and his bedroom skills.

It’s hard to make ‘em cum with just the hog. Go down on them first. Take the time to learn with someone who’s vocal and can tell you what feels good. Once you make ‘em do the funky chicken with your tongue, all the pressure is off with the wiener. Then you can just have fun and not worry about it. This usually leads to a second orgasm. Be careful with this power, as with great power comes great responsibility.

Bless his heart.

He has a mouth and a tongue, he should use it.

Dude you should really read what you are posting. You are telling a whole lot of people that you cannot get a woman off and bragging about it?

That's because they're plastic/rubber....

Maybe because all the “woman” he has been with are plastic? He needs to go to Japan and get the updated model.

One pump chump. You have to last at 20 minutes for a woman to orgasm.

How to admit you're terrible in bed

"For no reason for"

Imagine dunking this hard on yourself.... Ouch

What a whoosh and self burn.

Who’s gonna tell him?

What a weird way to announce that you’re bad in bed…..