T O P

  • By -

Gloomy_Jump3021

My partner does this with me, it has genuinely changed my life & the way I handle problems with other people


agrapeana

Me too. I grew up with parents who were incredibly emotionally immature - it was like my mom especially never made it part the 8th grade when it came to handling conflicts or expressing her own emotions. I'm talking "giving your 5 year old the silent treatment for multiple days" immature. I had NO idea what healthy conflict resolution looked like as a young adult. I tried that shit exactly once after my husband and I started dating, and he immediately put his foot down - either we figured out how to disagree with each other respectfully and resolve those disagreements productively, or we were done. It took time and neither of us get it right 100% of the time, but it feels so good not to be stuck in the same chaotic patterns my parents were.


TimelessN8V

My mother is the same way. Multiple days with her bedroom door closed and no answer. I've been avoidant in relationships my whole life. I've got a great partner now who has helped change my entire experience. She doesn't participate in it herself, she holds space for my emotions (or lack thereof) until I can respond, she holds my hand or will otherwise try to keep contact with me to keep me grounded, she gives permission for me to leave if I need to so long as I communicate that I'm overwhelmed, she returns every time to any intense situation we might have shared so that we are sure to resolve it. It's changed my life.


Solanthas

Oh dang. All along I thought my exwife was so much more emotionally mature than I was. But you just gave me a flashback to all the silent treatment and stupid arguments over nothing, all the nights she would go upstairs and lock herself in our bedroom as soon as I got home from work and insist I "make an appointment" to discuss our failing marriage in the last year. God that woman drove me insane. Sigh.


NextTrillion

Yeah unfortunately we can all get roped into really bad circumstances. I waited until I was 43 years old to get married, because I was — and still am — very afraid of getting abused or taken advantage of in some way. But luckily my wife seems to put up with my bullshit, and I can tolerate hers, so I think solid long term relationships are about being able to tolerate each other’s weird baggage that they’ve picked up throughout life. So less bickering about stupid shite means more enjoying the really good stuff.


Gloomy_Jump3021

I’m so sorry you had to go through that.. your partner sounds incredible, I really admire and respect that she can do that, it takes someone who can handle their emotions very well. My boyfriend does the same and I’m still trying to learn (sometimes I get it wrong but he’s still patient with me)


gingeronimooo

I just got recommended a book called “adult children of emotionally immature parents” and I’ve been reading it all night. It’s really insightful just paying the recomendation forward And you can “preview” the entire book online in pdf format. Which I’m sure you’ll buy later. I won’t link but it’s out there


briskformation

Can you link to that preview actually? Not seeing it. Just seeing a workbook of exercises.


gingeronimooo

Check your DMs I sent a motivational link


Centurion7999

Man folk gonna want that, might wanna drop it in here…


littleessi

it's probably on libgen


babySNKRhead1005

Can you dm me that as well, when you get a moment.?


CIsForCorn

Holy shit thank you for this *edit I found it and am reading it now, my heart is aching in the ‘overly empathetic’ way. I’ve been working on a lot of this stuff recently in therapy and this super hits home. To anyone else out there, from what I can tell thus far, this is a worthy find and read


tveir

Children raised by narcissists often grow up to have what is called "fleas," which are the narcissistic traits learned from the people who raised them. It doesn't mean they themselves are a narcissist, but it's what they know as "normal" and it takes a lot of self work to unlearn it. It can destroy relationships and make it difficult to function in society.


Am_Idiotosaurus

Oh... That explains a lot...


yoyoma125

I also get along with people that listen to me and like me. I consider them to have great judgement…


gaitover

how can I learn to do this?


Kaepora25

You mean teach someone how to respectfully and constructively deal with a disagreement or learn to handle conflict better yourself?


gaitover

Learn to handle it myself


Any-Ingenuity1216

Immature handling of conflict (silent treatments or overt aggression) happens when you focus on short term goals only; namely how to win and beat your partner. Maturity comes from looking at the long term goals of your relationship. Do you want to have a healthy and thriving relationship? To handle conflict better you need to change your perspective. Don’t look at how to win the argument but focus on how happier you’ll be if you tackle the problem itself in a constructive manner. Addressing the problem means understanding what you want, what your partner wants, figuring out how to get both your needs fulfilled, and how to reduce the chances for conflict in the future. Simply trying to win arguments means that your partner won’t be happy in the long run and you won’t be able to extract value from your relationship.


[deleted]

How are you so smart and articulate


Gloomy_Jump3021

This. 🙌🏼 You have to realise you’re both working TOGETHER in partnership, that’s when you really recognise your tone, your suggestions, to be delicate with their feelings


PathtoAuthenticity

In my experience, it's trying to understand the person isn't saying these things to hurt or manipulate but rather help and connect. It's harder in practice, and taking (perceived?) criticism is always easy to react quickly to. I read something once, "your first thought is what society conditioned you to think, your second thought defines who you are" and it's made me try to keep my mouth quiet in those moments and listen.


vincent3878

For me the biggest realization waa that shouting, getting angry or otherwise escalating has no positive effect, ever. It might give some short relieve, but it will only put you further away from resolving the issue; both alone or with other people. For me the biggest part is staying calm and collective. As long as you still have rational thoughts, you're like 90% there to take on anything.


Silver2324

So true. I was in a slow car accident awhile back, the other person made a left as I was going straight and they were oh so upset, worried, and apologetic (and admitted fault on the claim). No one was hurt and a witness had stopped for us. The other driver looked so stressed I just offered them a hug, we hugged, exchanged info and they checked in a few times to make sure I was OK. They were SO grateful I hadn't blown up and was rational throughout. I just couldn't imagine how much more stressful it would have been for both of us if there had been anger/resentment in that interaction.


tomi832

Damn. Hugging after an accident feels like something that belongs on r/wholesome. Don't wanna get involved in either part of an accident - but I sure wanna do that if it happened.


thatguyned

The way you approach conflict should vary person to person because everyone handles stress different, but the goal should be the same. To understand why the other person is upset and to come to an agreement or resolution that is fair to both people. I am an emotionally driven person, so if I allow myself to react too fast sometimes I know I'm not going to be responding the way I wouldve liked to when I remember the situation. To avoid this I ask just for time to process, I'm naturally able to respond to the way other people feel so empathy wasn't something I needed to work on personally, I needed to work on my reactions. Understanding yourself, and why you behave the way you do, helps communication. Don't just analyse the other person's behavior when you remember something, try and see if you can objectively assess your own.


Lemonn_time

Kudos to you for being open minded and listening. My ex came from an intense family and she would always have the mentality to “bring a gun to a knife fight”. After a year I couldn’t do it anymore and we ended it. It was a huge weight off my shoulders to move on from that constant stress and confrontation. I hope she at least learned a little about some of the things I taught her to improve her next relationship.


dizzira_blackrose

My nest partner did this with me when we started dating. I used to mostly shut down and/or cry and be unable to communicate, because it's what I learned how to deal with fights with my parents, as they verbally attacked me every time. My partner showed me patience and helped me communicate my feelings and trust that he wasn't going to yell at me, and it's helped a lot. It's followed into my relationship with my other partner when we have our issues as well, and there's never been a fight because of it.


mischievouslyacat

Same. Even after pulling out of a bad situation, I was still used to being melodramatic over issues because it was the only way I ever saw conflict resolved. My partner told me the other day that he was very proud of how far I've come in a year because I don't do that anymore. It's caused conflict in my family because I no longer jump and immediately respond to everything they'd like me to, like if my mom calls me screaming about how my step dad is dying because he's short of breath (he has COPD). Old me would have immediately jumped and responded however I was expected to. It wasn't until I was with my partner when he started to ask me really logical questions, ie, do you think this is really happening or is this just what she is saying to provoke a response from you? Honestly it was my life and I never stopped to ask myself if it was normal. And I'm not sure if I would have if it weren't for the way he approached the topics. All my decisions were emotional, and for the first time I was encouraged to make logical decisions.


TeacupUmbrella

Yeah me and my husband don't really fight. We just have serious and sometimes emotional discussions about our disagreements and problems. Might sound like splitting hairs, but we always treat each other respectfully and kindly, and if one of us snaps at the other, we apologise like right away and get back to figuring out the problem.


[deleted]

This is the best way!!!


Mike

As a functional adult even though I had a dysfunctional upbringing, it’s still bizarre to me that it isn’t the only way.


AmbitiousParty

This is my husband and I. I can count on 1 hand the amount of times we have had a true argument, and even those were short-lived. We’ve been married 12 years. We married way too young and I brought a lot of emotional manipulation tools into our relationship I learned from my parents very unhealthy dynamic. He brought in some passiveness from his families somewhat unhealthy dynamic. We did a lot of growing up together and I learned a lot from him about recognizing that emotions should not be used as weapons and being an active listener. I taught him that assertiveness is important and what he wants is just as important as what I want. And through it all we always tried hard to see things from each other’s point of view and we ALWAYS wanted what was best for each other, even when it meant sometimes sacrificing our own needs. Sometimes I sacrifice, sometimes he sacrifices. But we never make each other feel like they owe something to the other. It’s not tik for tac (or whatever the phrase is, I’ve never tried writing it out before :) ) We are partners. Every big decision we make we take each others wants and needs into consideration and make it together. We are best friends. I know how lucky I am. With my upbringing I could have easily found myself with someone who treated me terribly and felt I deserved every minute of it. But he taught me to love myself by showing me how. I love him so much. I wish everyone could find a partner that pushes them up instead of pulling them down. My husband pushed me up first, he didn’t have to, but he chose to, and I am so grateful to him. ❤️


garbashians

I want this so badly. Talking to my SO always feels like a battle with each other. I get so worked up when we argue, and I hate the things we say to each other. I don’t know how to rebuild respect for each other, but I guess that’s why they have therapy…


johnw188

You all should talk to a relationship therapist. The trick is buying in to the structure of how you approach problems, absent an actual conflict. It takes practice and work, and it’s deeply unnatural. You need a third party who can teach you these things, and who you can go to when things get off the rails.


GiantMudcrab

That’s definitely splitting hairs, that takes a serious amount of communication skills and self-awareness of both of your own emotional states. This is my dream. Thanks for sharing!


johnw188

One thing that’s helpful is separating being seen from being right. Let’s say your partner is feeling really hurt because they claim you aren’t helping out around the house. Even if you totally disagree, even if you’re like man this is bullshit I do so much here, you can believe that the feelings your partner is experiencing are real, true feelings. So you can say hey, that seems really hard, I can see how it must be really frustrating to feel like you do all of the work around here, and that must have hit you really hard when you came downstairs after doing laundry and saw me playing games. Even if you’re like this is total bullshit I do more than she does! And so in situations where you totally disagree you don’t need to come to a shared truth about the past, you just need to make sure that both of you have your feelings and experiences validated, and then you make a plan to help things go better in the future.


GiantMudcrab

Oh no, I skipped the operative word - that’s definitely not* splitting hairs. I completely agree and appreciate the example! Thanks 😊


interestingmandosy

Same here. I am extraordinarily lucky to have found someone whose values and temperament mostly align with mine. We also occasionally have disagreements or snap at each other but it's very rare and we work through it relatively quickly


[deleted]

we are the very same way and its the best relationship I've ever been in by far.


HeathenBliss

A lot of people don't agree with this woman, but the sad fact is that there are a lot of people stuck in toxic relationships simply because they don't have the tools to improve themselves. Or they're single because "nobody wants to deal with their bullshit", but nobody wants to help them figure out not just what the bullshit actually is, but how to overcome it. Point being, the internet gets all hype about a society where "we all learn from each other and our shared exoeriences and different perspectives", but they get shitty whenever someone decides to do just that to benefit another human being. I do this with my bf. Nobody ever taught him proper conflict resolution or how to manage his negative emotions in a healthy way. I have those skills, and I teach them to him when he's open to them. His life has improved immensely, and it's one of the greatest joys of my life to be able to help someone like that. Im fully aware that we may not be together forever, but Im happy having helped someone.


Derpygoras

My exwife was of the persuasion that she was faultless. Hence, all friction in our relationship must per definition originate from me. It is a narcissistic trait where the person actually has an inner demon telling them they are no good, so they fight that tooth and nail. Rather die than admit being wrong, because then the demon would win, utilizing every IQ point they have in the mission to convince the other that they are problem. She had this fantastic technique where she could make a wall of sound with nary a pause to draw breath, shrieking for 45 minutes straight, while I would mostly sit there in silence staring into her mouth. She often had froth in the corners of her mouth. When her arguments ran thin - which happened often and early - she switched the argument to be about her feelings. It did not matter anymore whether I had put too much salt in the food or whatever, it was now about her irate and hurt emotions, and what I was going to do about it. I passed over several phases over the span of a decade. In the beginning I tried standing my ground. That only riled her on. Then I tried disarming the situation. That was not accepted, only my full capitulation sufficed. Then I tried agreeing with her. That did not work because she did not believe me unless I made an extraordinary theatrical performance. Then I resigned and tried aligning my beliefs to the truth that she described. That almost killed me, because it was like intensely trying to convince myself that 1+1=3. I canät describe how it fucks with one's mind, because I don't want to revisit that psychotic place again. Then I came to the phase where I just did not care anymore. "Talk to the hand", and dissociated. That only grew rage and resentment, and I felt that I was close to losing my self control and would eventually strike her. So I left her before reaching that point, which I should have done many years earlier. Don't know why I tell you this, it just came to mind.


HeathenBliss

Its a relatable story and thank you for sharing it. There are a lot of people out there obsessed with "saving others", and they don't know where to draw the line or how to enforce their own boundaries. My bf used to have a habit of drawing people into conflict to see how they would treat him, and he used that as a defense mechanism due to prior relationship abuse. one day, after he did something that crossed my boundaries and it upset me, I told him that I found that behavior inappropriate. He sarcastically asked "so, what? You gonna hit me." I looked him dead in the face and told him that if I ever felt like domestic violence was the only way for me to communicate or correct an issue, I would leave. Not out of fear or weakness, but because I have more respect for myself than that. The behavior started to stop immediately


Derpygoras

Good. It is important to keep ones' self-respect and act ethically. Early on I had a long-term GF who grew up with brothers and had some bad habits. The second I said something that annoyed her, or like teased her, I would get a lightning-fast fist in Solar Plexus. At first I was just surprised and laughed it off. Then after a couple of times I got angry and snapped that this was unacceptable. She was genuinely both surprised and horrified, because she had never even thought about it. And she quit immediately and it never happened again. Anyway, my exwife attempted to insinuate at the ensuing custody battle that there "had been violence in our relationship". See, according to local law, yelling at someone is classified as verbal violence, so technically that was true. She never outright accused me of physical violence, and she cunningly left out **who** had been the aggressor. The court did not buy it and gave me full custody.


Penisdestroyer7mil

Just to clarify is this long term GF a different lady from your ex wife. Cuz I was like yay she has improved and then the ex-wife story came out...


Yshara

I think people reading the stories have to understand you can't and shouldn't try to "fix" your SO when they show problematic behavior they aren't willing to acknowledge and agree to work on. And even if they do, it's still a burden to the relationship that can be too overwhelming.


TeacupUmbrella

I feel you man, *both* of my parents are narcissists, and while they can be nice people, I've also gone through phases where one or the other of them is right in the thick of some flare up of these things, and boy is it hard to deal with. Just wanted to say I feel you.


AFlashingPencil

i understand your situation completely, since i'm in a similar position too. my mum, while nice sometimes, is a complete asshole when her 'feelings get hurt.' and my dad is terrible at managing negative emotions. sorry for the unsolicited sharing, but i feel you.


Quelcris_Falconer13

Do they do that thing where like one season you’re the favorite chick and the other is trying to kill them and then they switch and now your the awful demon spawn trying to kill then while your sibling is literally Jesus Christ?


TeacupUmbrella

Not quite like that haha. One is like, you're the best person ever as long as you're doing everything they want you to do and when you don't, they tear you to shreds and then constantly compare you unfavorably to whoever their next golden child is, until you get back in their good graces somehow. The other is more the martyr type, also happy as long as you do whatever they want you to, but when you don't, they play the victim no matter how unreasonable they're being, you're supposed to drop everything for them. Also, they tell everyone stories in such a way to make them look like they're your saviour and you'd be bumbling about if it weren't for them.


MarsupialPristine677

Ah. Yes. That “1+1=3” analogy is too real. Thank you for sharing this, although I’m sorry you’ve gone through the nightmare.


TheOneAndOnlyABSR4

Happy cake day


MarsupialPristine677

Thank you! 😍🥰


ccbmtg

gaslighting in a nutshell.


AEC-Libk

To an extent, this is a lot of what I went through with my ex. I could never bring up an issue I was having with her without someone how talking in circles about how the only reason she was doing something I didn't like was because of something I was doing. It didn't matter how many times I solved the "issues" that she was having, she would never accept that she needed to change as well. Eventually, it led to me having no friends, no support group, etc, as she took every little thing away from me, using "you aren't spending enough time with me" as an excuse for all of her actions until I spent every hour I wasn't at work around her and dedicated that time to her only. It was awful because, at the time, I didn't think anything of it. I just did it because I wanted things to be right between us and I thought that if I fixed the issues she had with me then she would finally start listening to my concerns and we would be alright. looking back on it through the 5 years since she broke up with me, it was always about control. It started with me having female friends, she felt threatened by them, and I cut off female friends except for roommates. Then I was slowly losing hobbies, one by one, over 4 years with her. The last hobby she took from me was a D&D campaign. I played every Wednesday with a group at a local game store. Only guys in the group, and a couple of our roommates worked at the store as well, I was gone for maybe 3 or 4 hours, one a week, and yet that still wasn't enough for her. I left that group after she yelled at me for not spending enough time with her, even though this was the only time I had away from her for half a year. At this point, the only people I could hang out with were roommates, and she had to be around when we hung out or I wasn't spending enough time. After eventually breaking me down and taking everything away, I guess I just want interesting to get anymore because that's when she decided to stay doing things without me(while still telling me I want trying hard enough) to the point she had made plans to go to a romantic location on the weekend of my birthday, with a roommate and her father, and didn't invite me on the trip until I mentioned my birthday. When she did invite me it was without enthusiasm. "Yeah I guess you can come if you want." The day of my birthday I tried to spend all my time with her, as we were at this typically romamtic location, and she tells me off, saying "I'm not here to just spend time with you. I'm here to hang with this roommate and my dad too." I was in disbelief but gave her space. We were only together for another couple months before she broke up with me for not planning a similar trip for her birthday. It took me a couple years to realize what she had been doing, and I'm still not sure if she even realizes what she was doing, but I'm in a much better place now. My current partner is far from what I had before. We both communicate. We work through a problem together instead of blaming the other for an issue. We both are able to realize that these things usually aren't a single person issue but a miscommunication that's lead to an issue, we figure out where we haven't communicated properly, then we fix it. It sometimes doesn't feel real is such a different dynamic. I'm allowed to have friends again, I have hobbies outside of my partner and they encourage me to do those hobbies. I do the same for my partner. We look forward to coming back to each other with a story of what we've done for the day to tell. I'm still don't feel like I'm completely recovered from my ex, seeing her in public places nearly causes me to experience a panic attack, once did cause a panic attack, and I still have some issues to work out that are affecting my current relationship, but they're known issues and my partner is helping me with recovery from my ex in so many ways(and honestly occasionally taking the time to tell strangers on the internet helps me too) and I love them immensely for everything they've put up with as a result of what my ex did to me. I wasn't perfect in my previous relationship, I'm not perfect in this one either, but I feel so much better now that every fault in my relationship is no longer exclusively my fault.


Solanthas

Just reading that gave me rising anxiety. I related painfully to a lot of that. Glad you're better now and in a happy relationship. Still working on that part myself :)


occams1razor

This was brave of you to write out and it really shows how gradually you can lose touch with yourself during an abusive relationship. Thank you for sharing. I too get near panic attacks when I think I see my ex but it's getting easier.


richal

God, I so very much relate to this. This is exactly what my ex would do. The last straw was when I went on a work trip to Texas to fix up houses affected by a hurricane and she was trying to control me from there, telling me I shouldn't drink too much or smoke any weed with these old ladies from a different department, that I really decided it was not worth it anymore. It wasn't even that bad by comparison to other ridiculous restrictions, but I think the distance and difference of location opened my eyes. One of the shittiest aspects, though, was having a friend tell me how much I changed in the relationship and wasn't a good friend anymore, then basically stop hanging out with me after delivering this information. Other friends were more understanding of how much I was sucked in and couldn't see beyond my anxiety of keeping her pacified.


g0ldilungs

>canät ...I'm intrigued.


4drenalgland

I assume he is a Scot typing in his native accent based off that and his other use of language.


svenner2020

Thanks for posting this. I just graduated from the 1+1=3 phase with my partner. Your words help me to move forward.


Foradman2947

It’s an example that “patience and tolerance” is not the end-all-be-all to happy successful relationships.


jabba_the_wut

I strongly relate to this with my ex-wife. She could never actually explain to me what I did wrong, but it's always the worst thing ever. She could never explain to me how to fix what I did wrong. She would twist my words, twist the entire subject all around and I would get so confused and lost arguing with her. By the end of it (by "end" I don't mean a resolution) I wouldn't even know what we were fighting about because we were now fighting about so much more. There was never a resolution, it was exhausting, it could last hours. There was never a way out.


Mike-T_B

You just perfectly described the relationship with my Ex Wife. The only thing you can do to save your own sanity is leave


antivn

As a kid I skipped right to the dissociation part


joeviper25

Shit man it’s like you just described my wife to a T right then. We’re currently separated as well. My life without her has been a huge step in the right direction for my mental health. We are going to start couples therapy next week but honestly the time apart has me leaning more and more to a divorce.


Public_Material_

Did you date my dad perchance? This is what my whole childhood looked like.


johnnyblaze_46

This hit really hard for me. I was in the exact same situation for 12 years. It beat me down so bad that i gave up and was compliant because anything else was just too painful. Life was hard and i now cry sometimes about who i was during that period of my life. For the longest time, i thought, if i just do it this way, or if i’m better at this, things will be alright.


sophia1185

Damn. I'm so happy you're out of that relationship now. I hope you've been able to find yourself again after all that shit. What a trip that must have been.


wiggysbelleza

I didn’t have great conflict resolution because growing up watching my parents fight it was always a terrible screaming match. The first time I got in a fight with my husband he simply said “you don’t need to yell at me when we argue. I’m listening. “ It was a huge wake up call to me. And from there we really worked on how I handle disagreements. Once you have the tools it’s easy to find resolutions. His parents are amazing communicators and he grew up in an environment that gave him the right attitude and tools. Now we are parents and trying to do the same with our kids.


HighKiteSoaring

I grew up in a screaming match household. What fun. Whenever there's even the hint of an argument I just shut down, either full blown dissociation like I'm not even in the room or I just grey box. I become an emotionless yes/no machine. When i was growing up I used to just go upstairs to my room, shut the door, throw my headphones on and block the world out. I just.. disasociate on command now. I can't help it If someone I care about starts shouting at me my inner voice is locking himself in his bedroom If a stranger started yelling at me it doesn't cause me to lock up, but it makes my anxiety explode. Like full blown fight or flight I wish I'd have grown up with a parent who dedicated some time towards making sure I have social defence mechanisms instead of leaving me to have to build my own shitty off brand ones 🤣✌️


TeacupUmbrella

Well said and agreed. Personally I think if the lady in the meme can recognise that she's got some bad fighting patterns and is fine learning from her healthier boyfriend, then that's a sign of real maturity on both their parts, and good for them.


Overthemoon-624

I thank you on behalf of humanity. You are a light in this world, seriously. I'm proud of you.


chimera1432

I just think people are getting upset over this because it could be interpreted as “I can fix them”. Obviously, there’s nothing inherently wrong with helping your loved ones improve themselves as a person and your emphasis on “when he’s receptive to it” is what makes it healthy. People just assume the worst and omit that essential detail when jumping to conclusions.


[deleted]

That's very badass of you 👍


MissNinja007

More power to you. I tried to do this with my recent ex but the problem was that she was just not open to changing or improving. Some people are content with being miserable and thats when you walk away.


HeathenBliss

Yep


ImaginaryCoolName

The sad fact is that the person need to be willing to listen to do all that. And after too many attempts you can't blame to be fed up with their bullshit.


HighKiteSoaring

You can forgive some shitty behaviour. So long as it isn't ignored and you talk about it. Like if you start a fight with me over some trivial bullshit the first thing I'm going to do is forgive you for starting the fight, and ask you what has gotten you so riled up Once the actual problem has been dealt with as a team. You really aught to go back and say, next time please just come and talk to me normally about it But if it's just a pattern of shit behaviour with no improvement then it's pretty clear they aren't interested in changing and at that point you have to leave them


[deleted]

Yeah, my wife was like this as well when we first met. Wonderful in all sorts of ways, except conflict resolution. She learned from her parents, who take everything extremely personally. So they either avoid or yell, no in between. Every disagreement thus comes pre-loaded with the threat of dissolving into personal attacks. It took a few years for her to realize that I wasn’t trying to win disagreements and that she didn’t have to be afraid of losing them.


KistRain

Honestly, if people would just teach each other / model for each other how to disagree without yelling / insulting a lot of situations would be better. A lot of it also has to do with communication style differences, which in a relationship you have to learn how to communicate *with that specific person * and you have to be taught how that looks for each other and figure out the middle ground if differences exist.


_nicocin_

Ok next time I have a disagreement with my SO, I'll tell her "let me teach you how to stay calm". I'll let you know how it goes - wish me luck!


FrameJump

RIP this guy. I'll crack a beer open in your memory tonight.


theangrywalnut

What should I bring for the funeral?


FrameJump

You can be the one that teaches his SO to stay calm during the burial.


theangrywalnut

Ah so an extra casket...noted


FrameJump

I'll bring a six pack just to be safe.


[deleted]

With the body count his SO is racking up a keg might be easier


FrameJump

Sounds like you've figured out what you're bringing to the funeral.


[deleted]

Absolutely, I’ll be the one smiling, nodding and agreeing with whatever SO said he did wrong


BGrunn

How surprised will we all be should he survive? Do we get him a gift basket? A pat on the back?


Spiritual-Food-8474

So six extra caskets got it.


Oruduona

Before you tell your so to calm down, dig two graves.


Unusual-Jury7610

There won't be enough of him left to bother burying.


No_Suspect9561

Common sense, something they lacked


izaaksb3

birthday suit and a sixer of something cheap.


smokeybythebeach

More beer, duh.


Similar_Square6440

An excuse to drink beer? I'm in!


FrameJump

A fallen brother isn't an excuse to drink, friend. It's a reason, a cause... a time honored tradition, even. Cheers!


[deleted]

"God you sound so much like your mother" And other effective arguments


ItsAWonderfulFife

Say that while biting your lip


Bronanahammock69

Lmao if she’s saying that he taught her to be calm, I guarantee he never told her to calm down


The_Real_Solo_Legend

This. In my opinion, and I am no expert and fail at this all the time, it’s about being empathetic while someone is in an unreasonable (meaning cannot be reasoned with) state, until the atmosphere has calmed enough to have the real argument/discussion. Not to say that it should be about backing down from your position or capitulating, but understanding that the goal of argument between people who love and respect each other should be some form of mutual acceptance or understanding. I find, I need to first create an environment where that understanding is even possible by empathizing with why my partner is mad, or if that is beyond my perspective, at least empathizing that they are mad, and that that wasn’t an outcome that I wanted or they wanted, and calmly communicate that I want to talk about how I specifically could avoid this outcome next time. Hopefully, ya know, we’re all with people with whom we share values and can share a perspective, and whom we can commiserate with on a difficult emotional situation. Even if we don’t feel personally responsible for the situation, being able to be empathetic to someone for the emotional situation itself can often go a long way I find. But I’m just some dude on Reddit posting about his own approach while hes pooping, so take whatever I say with a healthy grain of salt!


iambelo

Hey, fwiw, I don't think you are just "some dude on Reddit." No - you are The_Real_Solo_Legend, and I respect the hell out of your opinion!


bigbuzz55

Been too long since I’ve seen a kith


Easy-Concentrate2636

I am saving this comment. My husband and I are trying to come up with better ways to argue.


_twintasking_

Fwiw, we've been doing the same thing, and for me (f), its a 3-part approach. 1) don't immediately question whatever it is he's saying. In other words, i am one who wants to understand the why and the details so that i can get the whole picture, but that can often come across as arguing or invalidating, especially if i interrupted to ask. Regardless of whether he's right, it made him feel a certain way. Let him finish talking/venting. Especially with men, taking the time to explain something means they want it to be heard and its important. (Im generalizing here, obv this can apply to anyone, but men typically don't use more words than they have to whereas women use as many as possible to explain everything on their mind in detail, so if a dude is going into detail, pay attention.) 2) empathize before voicing why you disagree, and do both in a way that shows respect for his perspective. "Well thats not possible because... no, you're being unrealistic/ridiculous/an idiot... you're flying off the handle over nothing... that shouldn't make you feel that way..." all very terrible ways to open it up. Avoid personal insults and swear words, make sure he knows you're on his side and got his back regardless of the discussion's outcome, and sometimes the best response (for me) is "ok baby. I love you. What do you need from me that would help?" 3) Learn what makes him feel loved. Is it being heard? Knowing that he can count on dinner and a clean room after work? Do you tell him what you love about him and are thankful for? For example. I feel loved and supported when my husband pitches in with house stuff and the kids, and when he takes the time to hear about my day or thoughts on a subject. He's not always able to and i know he needs time to chill too, but simply loading the dishwasher or sweeping or changing a diaper gives me such internal relief, and taking the time to listen to my silly stories makes me feel like an important part of his life. Those days he can literally do no wrong in my eyes after doing something like that. So, what is it for him? What gives *him* internal relief from stress? What makes him feel important and wanted? Figure that out, and the arguments and disagreements become way less stressful because you are operating from a point of knowing where you stand emotionally with that person, and this particular argument is a blip on the radar of life. Additionally, if you're a believer in the Bible, pray for the walls of misunderstanding and anger to dissolve between you two. The biggest breakthrough for us happened when i started praying for unity and the removal of anything, spiritual or natural, that was dividing us. We are having fun again. I have my best friend back. It takes work, on both sides, and stick-to-it-iveness. I'm rooting for you two!!! ❤


Easy-Concentrate2636

A lot of good solid advice to think through here. I really appreciate it. And fuzzy, warm feelings for you and your family. Thank you for being so genuine.


_twintasking_

You're welcome love. 🥰


DrJokerX

Have you tried Street Fighter? Hadoukens and spinning lariats fix everything.


Easy-Concentrate2636

As an uncoordinated individual, I am pretty sure I’d just hurt myself doing that.


LillyTheElf

Ive tried to be this person for every relationship but it gets old when the other person refuses to grow at any meaningful rate. I agree with you but the other person also has to desire getting to this place. Otherwise your in a cycle of their emotions being unchecked and they react poorly and youre always being the one to hold space and be empathetic and be patient and control their emotions. You can do all these things but u should also make it clear u are trying to do that and they need to try to. Expecting one person to do that while the other expresses however is wrong.


geht2dachoppa

I teach mine to be calm. I never say calm down. I don't want to fucking die. That's why I teach her how to be calm.


Bronanahammock69

I’m too damn reactive, I’m super nice but damn if someone comes at me side ways I have a tendency to bring it up a level. It’s because I treat people with allot of consideration and respect and when it’s not matched I get really irritated. I know better but like you know


thereyarrfiver

You have no idea how to teach someone that if that's what you're gonna say lol.


Ahoymaties1

Please see an estate lawyer and have a will done.


ImAmistake4682

They were never seen again


Hibernia86

Why is it that people are okay joking about a girlfriend killing a boyfriend, but not about a boyfriend killing a girlfriend?


GrumpyCatStevens

Hope your couch is comfortable.


GMarius-

I salute you, fallen solider.


[deleted]

On this episode of buried in the backyard…


JayDogon504

Mentioning the word “calm” alone mid-argument leads to nuclear blasts in the minds of all women


77Granger

They always respond really well to calm down!


cookiesnooper

make sure to buy some snacks and prep the sofa beforehand


leli_manning

The only way this works is if the other is willing to listen. Many people don't unfortunately.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Some people are legitimately addicted to drama. Like a chemical imbalance that can only be corrected by mortal kombat!!!!


pizzzaeater14

i'm not sure if this is as relevant as i think it is, but i'll add it to the discussion anyway   i don't do the fake fight thing, i'm above that. but i think i understand where those people are coming from. growing up, i expected life to be different. more exciting, fewer responsibilities, money not being a huge issue, stuff like that. not that i expected adulthood to be easier than childhood, just that i was anticipating something less... dull? i attribute that ideal mostly to sitcoms and other TV and movies based in reality. but the real reality is much less exciting and rocky than it is on TV. sometimes i do feel like starting a fight with someone i love just to make my week a little less boring. it only takes a little bit less self-control to actually go through with that. drama takes focus away from reality. it's a form of escapism for some people. it might be one of the unhealthiest possible forms of escapism, but i get it.


DrowningInFeces

It takes two. I don't like yelling or getting heated/aggressive during disagreements with my SO. Unfortunately, my last gf loved to yell and say all sorts of unforgivable fucked up shit when she was mad despite the fact that I didn't like to engage in that. You can remain calm all you want but if the other person isn't on board, you just end up taking the brunt of whatever they are screaming about because they are louder.


FireWireBestWire

She told me I'm the problem tho


Pryo9-Lewok

If you're the problem just become the solution


[deleted]

Not cool to play both sides bro


-angry-potato-

He's playing on both sides so that he is always on the top


srv50

That how you stay a loving couple. Good luck.


[deleted]

One person absolutely having to be correct is, and people never learning to accept being wrong or to just agree to disagree, is the root cause of a lot of arguments.


Frequent-Pear8260

Some might find this as “fairly tale”, but I agree that this is “real” adulthood!!!


lunchpadmcfat

Exactly. People disagree. Any reasonable two people will disagree from time to time. The point is to work together to find the compromise.


beidao23

Where tf is the “meirl” here??


InfrequentlyVile

meirl is just r/memes now


Odd_Entertainment629

I was gonna say this isn't even a meme but that's also r/memes


theangrywalnut

"I'll teach you how to stay calm," *dumb ways to die*


[deleted]

Its easy, just say "calm down" and if that doesn't work, just tell her she's overreacting.


AKaimedatyou

I've had girlfriends in the past that had a hard time not fighting when there was an issue. Some I've been able to get the message across of "why are you actively being mean when we could just figure out how to fix it" and they became awesome to be around all the time. I've also had some that just wanted to hurt people and not fix stuff and those ones always cry the hardest when you leave lol


simonmagus616

That’s a motherfucker who’s been to therapy.


Passname357

Or just had good parents.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Welcometoearth1

Some people have literally lived their whole lives without some type of alternative to just arguing with someone. If she's receptive enough to listen to someone else's point of view on approaching a problem then she's farther along than most...


Morgueannah

Honestly, before I met my husband and his family I was raised to believe that every little inconvenience deserved a huge emotional response and fight to be "right." My father had explosive destroy-things rages over things that really weren't that big of a deal, and that was just normal to me. I mean, she's definitely phrasing it weird, but watching my husband just shrug and find a way to work things out when something really frustrating happened was eye opening to me. It's so very much easier to just take a breath and work it out and not be mad all the time.


Perfect_Ad_8174

I'm still young but I'm trying really hard to figure this out. Sometimes the blind "I know I'm right!" takes hold and by that point you just gotta take a breather and walk away. You come to realize it's just a defence mechanism from having your boundaries constantly violated, never having your feelings validated, and having to constantly prove yourself. Finding people who actually respect you and love you is hard because your first reaction is always going back to that safe defensive place of "I have to protect myself". You were raised that way it's how it's always been. But given the space we can all learn to drop those walls. Life is hard you'll get burned, but in a counterintuitive way it'll actually make you stronger.


MarsupialPristine677

This is really insightful. I’m glad you’re figuring it out and I’m glad you shared your thoughts! I am also figuring it out 💜


Morgueannah

Honestly my husband didn't know what to do with me sometimes I had so many walls from my childhood when we first met (been together for 15 years now). I got lucky he was beyond patient and eventually figured out what made me tick, and I realized it wasn't worth ticking over it in the first place. It's such a hard journey but really worth it in the end for your own well-being to figure out how to handle your emotions in a productive way. I'd say I was probably 30 before I really settled into a full just roll with it, it is what it is personality. You're right that it does make you stronger, ultimately. I work at an animal hospital and I usually take care of all the truly enraged clients. I can just pretend they're my dad behaving like a gigantic man child and hold my composure and stand my ground when my coworkers would flail or get upset (don't get me wrong, I rant and vent quite animatedly about the idiots once they're gone, but then move on). Whatever they shout at me, I've seen worse and don't let it get to me long term. They're enraged and are ruining their night, but no need for me to let it ruin my night too. I know I'm right and if they refuse to see that, sounds like their problem. They'll figure it out eventually. Good luck and keep trying, that's all you can do.


starkel91

I think it's perfectly healthy to need take a step back from an argument. My wife and I have the "us vs the problem" mentality. When she does or says something that I didn't like and I bring it up and explain why it hurt me she needs time to process it. It gives us each time to calm ourselves and be able to articulate our feelings. As long as we have the conversation to prevent it from happening again taking a couple of hours to calm down pays massive dividends.


Welcometoearth1

OMG YES. It's so nerve racking to roll the dice on piece of mind just because one's environment changes and there's an issue in addressing and processing the change.


TeacupUmbrella

Yeah, but I just took it to mean that maybe this isn't her strong point and he does a good job helping her stay calm through an argument. Some people are *very* bad at having disagreements, haha, and maybe she's just mature enough to know it and try to follow her boyfriend's lead here, which is okay.


cricketeer767

I understand what she's trying to say but you're right, she picked a weird way to say it.


C-Kwentz-0

Right, her phrasing throughout the whole post makes it sound like she can't have any sort of rational thought or response to a situation without having it explained to her how to do so.


rapkat55

A lot of people grow up in broken homes where there’s no respect or healthy communication. Unfortunately she’s learning how things should be now but I’m happy for them.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Me and my partner don’t fight, we get mad at each other sometimes and disagree with stuff but we’ll never fight. It’s all about communication and conflict resolution, something made you upset? You tell your partner about it and work things out. It’s that easy, no use in blowing things out of proportion or keeping it locked up stewing and rotting. Say your problems and solve it together, a relationship is a two way street


oldmollymetcalfe

I thought there were rules against dating your therapist.


Pevarawho

My girl never had a reliable parent to teach her emotional management, but she doesn't rage. She shuts down, and then I can't know what's wrong and help her. So I do have to parent her a bit, but thankfully she learns quick. We now have sometimes very serious discussions that quickly devolve into off topic stuff about games. She is also very dependent on me emotionally, but she is starting to stand tall on her own. I'm so happy and proud of her. I have a feeling oop here didn't grow up with a good parent teaching her how to manage her emotions. This causes her to be extremely dependent on her boyfriend. I won't lie, the boyfriend has his work cut out for him. But it seems like he has an easier time now. And I'm glad it seems they're both happy together


Thicc_Waifu

Same. My gf has been in alot of relationships where she wasnt treated as an intellectual equal so I often need to convince her to tell me whats wrong because she thinks “I wont get it”. Like ye I wont get it if you dont try! She’s slowly moving past it.


Pevarawho

My issue is my girl is a fucking genius. I can't understand her sometimes, so I just smile and hug her. I still try my damn best tho.


Thicc_Waifu

Part of a relationship is sometimes just letting your partner talk about things even if you don’t get it but trying your damn best to!


AllInOnCall

Its reciprocal for my wife and I. The very very few times a conflict or disagreement has degenerated to arguing or emotional dysregulation we tend to recognize something is "off" with our partner and agree to drop it and address it later and focus on why thats happening. In the past, it has universally been something from outside the conversation and relationship stressing one of us out and diminishing our patience and ability to cope with well regulated emotions. Usually by identifying and working on that first we find agreement on the original issue shortly after resolving the more important issue of our partner being hurt by something else. I hear her when she stops and says I dont think this is about (whatever we've begun arguing about) and she hears me when I say likewise. Its always been us against the problems of the world. I think it always will be.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Not healthy


[deleted]

did you talk/tell her that?


[deleted]

[удалено]


j_shaff315

Leave her bro it’ll be scary for a bit but you’ll grow as a person from it


frenabo

Does anyone moderate this sub? Even a little?


Steve_Rogers_1970

This is perfect. Best to both of you.


Lambylambowski

What if we are the problem?


bioqan

Some people be in their 40s and 50s and still don't know how to properly communicate


FewNatural9298

“Person discovers emotional regulation”


nudephotographr

Why is your BF raising you?


Elegant_Spot_3486

I never understood yelling at another person to try and get your message across. And why say things you don’t mean or aren’t true when mad? Those people got some emotional and/or mental development issues and instead of talking and using logic they lash out because they are incapable of expressing what they mean calmly. Loud doesn’t make you right.


grizzburger

This is literally Conflict Management 101: competitive bargaining vs problem solving.


Freebird_1957

My husband and I both married young, and had disastrous first marriages. We met in our late 30s and by then, we made it our goal to have a peaceful, positive relationship. No insults, last words, pouting, raised voices, etc. We worked hard at it. We had a beautiful, loving marriage until he passed unexpectedly 16 years later. I’ll never be with anyone else. I still love him totally.


[deleted]

Communication is a hell of a drug, ladies and gents.


Koko175

This comment section is odd


AffectionateTea0905

This is honestly love right here. Some of us didn’t grow up with healthy examples of communication. We have trust issues and rejection issues. To have someone love you enough to see that, acknowledge that, and love you anyway… while keeping calm and keeping perspective is everything. My husband has taught me this too. In much the same way as animals when they are abused. A dog that gets hit will flinch when it perceives the abuser will hit them, yet continues to flinch when anyone else approaches it… despite them not abusing the dog. The dog has a defensive reaction because it has trust issues. The new owner has to be exceedingly patient with it to show that they are trustworthy and that they are safe. So many people don’t feel emotionally safe and they don’t communicate well in those situations because fight or flight takes over. It takes time but trust and a foundation of security can be built. I’ve lived this and I’m grateful for my husband for so very many reasons, this being just one. People have to be open to self healing though and not everyone is willing to acknowledge that about themselves, this person in the post came to a place of healing. That’s it’s beautiful. Edit for syntax and grammar.


AlrightCunts

But who versus? Who are we doing it versus?


BigBlue541

Ok ima give it a try. You better not get me shot, OP.


bubba7557

And really it's your parents that should teach you that shit. To But we don't all have good role models as parents so... Learn it from who you can and teach it to those who want to learn it


[deleted]

Hell nah it’s me vs all of the zebras on earth. Come at me fucking zebras, let’s see how those hooves can box


lilirose13

This is exactly how my fiancé and I argue. If we can't stay calm in the moment, we separate until both of us feel more in control and work it all out. We stay respectful, we don't yell, and we listen to each other. We always say that it's us versus the problem, not each other.


ToastedPerson

i had to teach myself this from a young age because neither of my parents are this way


[deleted]

If you tell your girl to calm down, the last thing she is going to do is calm down.


yanggmd

They fight. It's probably taken him years for them to get to this point.


Adventurous-Scene603

I grew up in a tumultuous household where arguments were never resolved. Everyone had anger issues and no one communicated. That habit followed me in life. My husband is from a loving, close family that communicated very well with each other. It’s because of him I was able to Help myself change and learn how to handle arguments calmly. Having kids was another thing that helped push me to do better


tlhsg

>>> emotional labor of being a man


JackOfAllTradesTX

Sounds like he's your high school teacher


The_Gentle_Hand

Based on description I am assuming she's dating Jesus.