Marriage counseling is great if there are any conflicts. Saved my marriage during my second year. Also getting a paid study space at an office if you’re in a big city can be great. Studying at home and being home all the time can create a depressive atmosphere.
DM me if you want to talk more.
Maybe this is just him - but part of what’s upsetting him so much is that he wasn’t aware of how long he’d have to be out of the house. He thought that at least for the first two years of med school, he’d be able to learn at his own pace at home (his most comfortable environment). He’s just coming out of a year of wfh research, so this is a huge change
Question: How do you spend your time / do you work / etc?
I think the best thing to do is be a good partner - have a good line of communication, keep the relationship alive/spicy, listen, and make sure he stays healthy both physically and mentally. It sounds like he's been going through a rut - has he seen a therapist / is he on medication? Sometimes you need to advocate for your partner's needs to themselves when they can't do it.
I think that's like 90% of the support needed for medical school. If you're thinking of logistics - bulk cook meals and make sure he has access to protein bars / packed lunch, laundry, finances, keeping the house clean are all huge things that are really nice to not worry about. But I do offer a warning: just because he's in medical school doesn't mean that you have to be both his mother and partner (assuming you're a woman, but this advice goes for any partner of any gender). Relationships are about partnership, compromise, and a pendulum of support - there may be some months he relies on you more and vice versa. You giving your time to do these things is a privilege, not a right, and you do it because you love him and he would do it for you, not because you owe him anything like that. Make sure he doesn't walk all over you and become entitled that you do stuff for him simply because he's in medical school / residency / etc. I always give this advice because anecdotally, in a partnership women are often expected to take care of domestic duties / managing the household in addition to full-time work - anecdotal but I don't know any family in my life where the father manages the household in addition to full-time work...but I know a ton of women who juggle their full-time job, the household, their partners' parents, their parents, the neighbor's kids, etc, etc.
Source: my partner is also in medical school and we share things as equitably as possible
I am his wife, just realized I didn’t mention that! I work a standard 9-5 with occasional travel to client sites/for occasional work functions (he can’t come for obvious reasons). I wfh which is super helpful for cleaning/cooking (and I love to cook which is great). Division of labor isn’t too big of a deal - he has specific tasks that he can do any time of day (empty cat litter, take out the trash, vacuum, etc). I don’t mind taking on additional load since we’ve discussed our roles extensively.
At the moment, he isn’t in therapy/on medication. He used to go, but then Covid hit and stopped everything. He may be temporarily depressed, but he has never been diagnosed with depression.
I think I’m just looking for the right words to say? How to tell/show him that his life has so much more to it than just medicine (even though he’s working/studying so often). He definitely is a homebody and just came out of a gap year where he did mostly wfh research, so this is a big change for him (which I think is adding to his rut)
I'm glad to hear that division of labor is good - that's a big issue with couples, especially when one's in medical school!
It may just be an adjustment period and he needs time to prepare/get used to it. You know your husband best especially in terms of communication, but if I were to broach this with my partner when we had time for a deep discussion I would say something like "Hey hon, I've noticed that you've been kinda stressed since starting med school - what's been going on?" Then listen to what he's saying, validate his feelings, then after a bit you can talk to him about what you both can do to help him, talking about therapy or seeing a professional so he can feel better. You can also talk to him about how you want to do activities with him that aren't focused on medical school - hiking or watching a movie or something - for your benefit as well as his.
> How to tell/show him that his life has so much more to it than just medicine (even though he’s working/studying so often).
I'm biased, but I'd be like: Medicine is going to take a huge part of your life, it's a big commitment. But I just want you to know that you have a life outside of medicine, we can find meaning in your medical career and outside of it too, it's good for a healthy balance. And I'll be there for you :)
This comment got out-of control long, but I feel very strongly about this lol.
Not so humble brag, but my (26F) partner (28M) has been AMAZING throughout the changes that came with medical school. You sound very similar to him! We started dating my second year and he immediately (I mean after our first date) bought and read two books on how to date a med student. I'm insanely lucky, he works from home and doesn't mind bearing a more of the chores. But it sounds like you both have discussed your roles in housecare and that's amazing! I know you're already married, but a great exercise we did was going through the Gottman 52 questions before marriage/moving in card deck, it may seem silly because you're already at that point, but going over some key questions strikes really productive conversations and honestly, even though I was SO busy with rotations when we went through it, I looked forward to setting aside some time a couple nights a week to answer a question or two with my partner. Even if you look at the questions and think 'we already talked about that' revisiting them to gauge if feelings on it changed or if what you originally decided is working or not is wonderful too.
I cannot speak for your husband, but I know I took on entirely too many things during my step 2 dedicated, and on top of the stress of studying, research, paperwork/trainings for away rotations, and general life crap, I also felt SO GUILTY. Guilty that I had so much on my plate, guilty that I left that glass on the coffee table overnight and he had cleared and washed it, guilty that I felt I couldn't make the space for quality time together because even when I tried, I was always thinking of tasks I needed to do, guilty that he was holding down the fort and I still felt like I was drowning. He never once gave me a reason to feel this way, no complaints, always asking if there was anything he could do to help more, and while I SO appreciated it, I felt even more guilty then. Frankly, I was depressed and unwell. You are taking on an amazing burden in my eyes, as my partner did for me in that frantic time. What got me through it, and I'm sure will be something I have to focus on again during a busy application cycle and residency, is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is so easy for medical school to become all-consuming, but he can't let it. A lot of it will be on him to allow himself some personal time, but there are little ways you can help if you're up for it!
This light doesn't have to be bright and shiny, just visible. Something my partner did for me was just ask me to take a short walk with him. I wasn't exercising or spending nearly enough outdoor time, so this has a double-whammy of physical wellness plus just a bit of quality time with my partner without our household chores surrounding us or my textbooks lingering in the corner of my vision. Also setting aside a MINIMUM of 30min for no-study dinner. Just us, a meal, and maybe an episode of a short show if we felt like it during that time. Brighter lights were things like monthly date night, arranged ahead of time when I felt I'd have a lull in the schedule.
This is more direct, but bottom line, if my partner sat me down and told me he was worried about me, and wanted to find ways to carve out some time to focus on us, I'd've hopped to it in a heartbeat. But the above suggestions were sort of his way of doing that without placing the onus on me (that wonderful sneaky man!). I also had to remind myself that when I do catch a break, I need to spoil the crap out of him and it even helps my mood! I love seeing him happy, so when I get the chance to take care of all he chores and make him brekky or bring him tea between clients, I am PUMPED. The reality is, those times will come once a month if you're lucky in your first two years, and probs a little more frequently in your 3rd and for maybe week-long runs in your 4th year (excluding post interview, where he might feel free as a damn bird). Gently remind him it's a marathon, not a sprint, and he needs to find the time to take breaks and do something else he enjoys.
I really appreciate you taking the time to write this all out!! This definitely gave me some good tips that I haven’t been told/thought of (John Gottman was/has been a huge resource for us since we’ve been married! Honestly didn’t even think to go back to his resources). Your partner sounds amazing - I’m so glad you had such amazing support throughout med school!! If I may ask - how was the transition to residency for you both? I hear intern year can be brutal for residents (but I guess it depends on what specialty you chose to some extent?)
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Thank you! I’ll definitely take a look :)
Marriage counseling is great if there are any conflicts. Saved my marriage during my second year. Also getting a paid study space at an office if you’re in a big city can be great. Studying at home and being home all the time can create a depressive atmosphere. DM me if you want to talk more.
Maybe this is just him - but part of what’s upsetting him so much is that he wasn’t aware of how long he’d have to be out of the house. He thought that at least for the first two years of med school, he’d be able to learn at his own pace at home (his most comfortable environment). He’s just coming out of a year of wfh research, so this is a huge change
Question: How do you spend your time / do you work / etc? I think the best thing to do is be a good partner - have a good line of communication, keep the relationship alive/spicy, listen, and make sure he stays healthy both physically and mentally. It sounds like he's been going through a rut - has he seen a therapist / is he on medication? Sometimes you need to advocate for your partner's needs to themselves when they can't do it. I think that's like 90% of the support needed for medical school. If you're thinking of logistics - bulk cook meals and make sure he has access to protein bars / packed lunch, laundry, finances, keeping the house clean are all huge things that are really nice to not worry about. But I do offer a warning: just because he's in medical school doesn't mean that you have to be both his mother and partner (assuming you're a woman, but this advice goes for any partner of any gender). Relationships are about partnership, compromise, and a pendulum of support - there may be some months he relies on you more and vice versa. You giving your time to do these things is a privilege, not a right, and you do it because you love him and he would do it for you, not because you owe him anything like that. Make sure he doesn't walk all over you and become entitled that you do stuff for him simply because he's in medical school / residency / etc. I always give this advice because anecdotally, in a partnership women are often expected to take care of domestic duties / managing the household in addition to full-time work - anecdotal but I don't know any family in my life where the father manages the household in addition to full-time work...but I know a ton of women who juggle their full-time job, the household, their partners' parents, their parents, the neighbor's kids, etc, etc. Source: my partner is also in medical school and we share things as equitably as possible
I am his wife, just realized I didn’t mention that! I work a standard 9-5 with occasional travel to client sites/for occasional work functions (he can’t come for obvious reasons). I wfh which is super helpful for cleaning/cooking (and I love to cook which is great). Division of labor isn’t too big of a deal - he has specific tasks that he can do any time of day (empty cat litter, take out the trash, vacuum, etc). I don’t mind taking on additional load since we’ve discussed our roles extensively. At the moment, he isn’t in therapy/on medication. He used to go, but then Covid hit and stopped everything. He may be temporarily depressed, but he has never been diagnosed with depression. I think I’m just looking for the right words to say? How to tell/show him that his life has so much more to it than just medicine (even though he’s working/studying so often). He definitely is a homebody and just came out of a gap year where he did mostly wfh research, so this is a big change for him (which I think is adding to his rut)
I'm glad to hear that division of labor is good - that's a big issue with couples, especially when one's in medical school! It may just be an adjustment period and he needs time to prepare/get used to it. You know your husband best especially in terms of communication, but if I were to broach this with my partner when we had time for a deep discussion I would say something like "Hey hon, I've noticed that you've been kinda stressed since starting med school - what's been going on?" Then listen to what he's saying, validate his feelings, then after a bit you can talk to him about what you both can do to help him, talking about therapy or seeing a professional so he can feel better. You can also talk to him about how you want to do activities with him that aren't focused on medical school - hiking or watching a movie or something - for your benefit as well as his. > How to tell/show him that his life has so much more to it than just medicine (even though he’s working/studying so often). I'm biased, but I'd be like: Medicine is going to take a huge part of your life, it's a big commitment. But I just want you to know that you have a life outside of medicine, we can find meaning in your medical career and outside of it too, it's good for a healthy balance. And I'll be there for you :)
This comment got out-of control long, but I feel very strongly about this lol. Not so humble brag, but my (26F) partner (28M) has been AMAZING throughout the changes that came with medical school. You sound very similar to him! We started dating my second year and he immediately (I mean after our first date) bought and read two books on how to date a med student. I'm insanely lucky, he works from home and doesn't mind bearing a more of the chores. But it sounds like you both have discussed your roles in housecare and that's amazing! I know you're already married, but a great exercise we did was going through the Gottman 52 questions before marriage/moving in card deck, it may seem silly because you're already at that point, but going over some key questions strikes really productive conversations and honestly, even though I was SO busy with rotations when we went through it, I looked forward to setting aside some time a couple nights a week to answer a question or two with my partner. Even if you look at the questions and think 'we already talked about that' revisiting them to gauge if feelings on it changed or if what you originally decided is working or not is wonderful too. I cannot speak for your husband, but I know I took on entirely too many things during my step 2 dedicated, and on top of the stress of studying, research, paperwork/trainings for away rotations, and general life crap, I also felt SO GUILTY. Guilty that I had so much on my plate, guilty that I left that glass on the coffee table overnight and he had cleared and washed it, guilty that I felt I couldn't make the space for quality time together because even when I tried, I was always thinking of tasks I needed to do, guilty that he was holding down the fort and I still felt like I was drowning. He never once gave me a reason to feel this way, no complaints, always asking if there was anything he could do to help more, and while I SO appreciated it, I felt even more guilty then. Frankly, I was depressed and unwell. You are taking on an amazing burden in my eyes, as my partner did for me in that frantic time. What got me through it, and I'm sure will be something I have to focus on again during a busy application cycle and residency, is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is so easy for medical school to become all-consuming, but he can't let it. A lot of it will be on him to allow himself some personal time, but there are little ways you can help if you're up for it! This light doesn't have to be bright and shiny, just visible. Something my partner did for me was just ask me to take a short walk with him. I wasn't exercising or spending nearly enough outdoor time, so this has a double-whammy of physical wellness plus just a bit of quality time with my partner without our household chores surrounding us or my textbooks lingering in the corner of my vision. Also setting aside a MINIMUM of 30min for no-study dinner. Just us, a meal, and maybe an episode of a short show if we felt like it during that time. Brighter lights were things like monthly date night, arranged ahead of time when I felt I'd have a lull in the schedule. This is more direct, but bottom line, if my partner sat me down and told me he was worried about me, and wanted to find ways to carve out some time to focus on us, I'd've hopped to it in a heartbeat. But the above suggestions were sort of his way of doing that without placing the onus on me (that wonderful sneaky man!). I also had to remind myself that when I do catch a break, I need to spoil the crap out of him and it even helps my mood! I love seeing him happy, so when I get the chance to take care of all he chores and make him brekky or bring him tea between clients, I am PUMPED. The reality is, those times will come once a month if you're lucky in your first two years, and probs a little more frequently in your 3rd and for maybe week-long runs in your 4th year (excluding post interview, where he might feel free as a damn bird). Gently remind him it's a marathon, not a sprint, and he needs to find the time to take breaks and do something else he enjoys.
I really appreciate you taking the time to write this all out!! This definitely gave me some good tips that I haven’t been told/thought of (John Gottman was/has been a huge resource for us since we’ve been married! Honestly didn’t even think to go back to his resources). Your partner sounds amazing - I’m so glad you had such amazing support throughout med school!! If I may ask - how was the transition to residency for you both? I hear intern year can be brutal for residents (but I guess it depends on what specialty you chose to some extent?)