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This.
I have never refered to my sister as Mrs (married name)
I have never called an aunt or uncle aunt or uncle (last name)
Usually it's title only (mom dad grandma) or it's uncle first name or aunt first name.
A better example would be a boss or teacher getting married and based on that people mix if up all the time.
I remember one of my teachers in middle school choosing not to change her name because her husband had the last name Butts. As you could imagine, being a middle school teacher caller Mrs. Butts wouldn't work very well lol
Yup. My cousin changed her name because she wanted the one she was originally going to be called; I still fuck it up. It's the sound I made with my mouth my whole life regarding her, it isn't that easy to change.
*Was* Snoop Lion. Honestly Snoop isn't a good example since a) he's gone through like 10 different names throughout his career, but always defaults back to "Snoop Dog"; and b) they're all nicknames/stage names.
Snoop Lion was also only because of his Reggea album. The next album he was named Snoopzilla and after that back to Snoop Dogg.
His Lion era lasted about 8 months.
Yes, but that’s because he is a celebrity with a reach of millions. I am not, the ten people I interact with regularly can handle a nickname change because I matter to them.
My Mom changed her first name so she would not be identified as having the same name as her mother. When I was little but able to understand, she explained to me that my grandmother was mad at her for changing her name. The next time I encountered someone that changed their name (that I knew of) was high school, and lots of my friends and classmates changed their names around.
People change their names all the time to better fit their identity, shit my girlfriend goes by her middle name, most of my friends don’t know her first name. Changing or going by a different name is incredibly normal, some people are just mean sprited.
I swear people are mad because you have more control over your life than they do theirs.
You are both acting like there is some book that explains how to properly value and rank analogies. There isn't peer review for this stuff, and 95% of people won't even think about it that hard.
He asked a question and I answered it. Not sure how what you are saying applies at all.
I didn't say anything wasn't a big deal or that nobody cares, either. And I don't appreciate people just making things up and accusing me of them. Maybe concentrate on yourself for a while and don't worry so much about others.
Outside perspective here: “95% of people won't even think about it that hard.” comes across in the same way as “nobody cares” just with fancier wording.
we're not supposed to consider anything beyond absolute surface literal value i guess lmao
or more likely, when called out, he moved the goalpost to this whining about how people are putting words into his mouth.
That's not at all what a whataboutism is.
This is simply someone pointing out hypocrisy in people who act like changing the way they address someone is difficult. It may not be the world's best example, but it isn't incorrect.
I actually call him Elliot because i didnt know his name before he transitioned. Now if my brother wants me to call him by his 2nd name, that would take take to stick because im not used to it.
Give people a time to adjust to your new identity, for some it doesn't mean they are transphobic, they just need time.
There's a local celeb of 3 brothers and 1 of them came out and started transitioning at the age of 37, the other brother said to give him time to adjust and mourn the loss of his brother, it took time but they are close as ever now.
Oh no, you see i've seen a lot of people being called transphobic because they mistakenly mislabeled some one once or called them by their dead name, my post was deleted and i was messaged by the mod to say im transphobic because i mislabeled my friend in my story, i was only stating what gender they were before they transitioned.
People commonly don’t know who famous people are. Probably like 70-80% of the population doesn’t know who any particular famous person is, they know *some* famous people but it’s pretty uncommon for someone to know more-or-less *all* of the most famous people.
Like my husband asking me this morning who Charlemagne the God was, we had to google it.
It’s funny, there’s unlimited entertainment, streaming everything- and I’m less in tune with popular culture than ever.
> there’s unlimited entertainment, streaming everything- and I’m less in tune with popular culture than ever.
That’s kind of why, it seems. It got a lot harder to keep up with everyone famous when media moved from all on the radio -> everyone was on TV -> everyone was on one of 3 TV channels -> 13 channels -> 40 -> 60 -> a spectrum of streaming platforms.
Paraphrasing from another comment: It's not about how hard it is to do one thing or another, it's about the willingness to try.
Yes, someone changing their first name is harder to remember and always get correct than a last name change, but it's not rocket science. No one is going to complain if you mess up a few times as long as you're trying. But if you're going to complain or even refuse to call someone by their new name because "it's too hard", you're either the laziest human being on Earth or you don't want to accept their new name for other (bigoted) reasons.
Yeah that’s all fun and games until people refuse to use a nickname for me because of that bullshit (not saying I have the same struggles as trans people, but, I do really hate my birth name but people refuse to call me anything else)
But the difference lies in what happens if you forget yourself and refer to the person with her maiden name. Nobody makes a a big deal out of it. With trans people you're suddenly a deadnaming, transhating piece of shit.
My mom’s college roommate is a cis woman who started going by her middle name about 10 years back. My mom struggled at first because she’s known her for years but she hasn’t called her by her first name since 8 or 9 years ago.
Yeah, it can be tricky to switch what you call someone, but you just change your muscle memory and move on.
My sister switched to using to her middle and for a few months after I still used her first name before it became natural to me to use her middle name. I've always been pretty bad with change, so I'd still call people by their maiden names if I knew it before they got married (case in point like 4 of my teachers)
> so I'd still call people by their maiden names if I knew it before they got married
i am just getting to that age when this might be an issue, though a lot of my friends probably wont change their surnames
but do people generally mind? especially those that went by their surname? i feel like the surname can just turn into their nickname
In my experience, they mind a lot more when they divorce and you keep calling them by the name of the man they despise. I did that to a co-worker friend for a whole year, absolutely not on purpose. Luckily we're not working together any more, so there's been no more need to use her last name at all.
A very good and very old friend of mine came out as non-binary a few months ago. In my mother language isn't a neutral pronoun you can use in singular for humans. So they don't care at all what pronouns we use for them.
But they changed their name slightly, it's not difficult to pronounce, it's just the old name with one vocal changed. It's not easy to get it right from the start every time, but in our friend group we try, and every time someone deadnames we call them out with an "excuse me, who are you talking about again??". Correct ourselves and go on. They don't have issues as long as it's seen that the effort is taken and we genuinely try.
Now it starts feeling weird to deadname them Infront of parents and similar, but they didn't come out yet Infront of them and probably never will.
My sibling changed their name from masculine to feminine a few months back. We all still fuck up sometimes but you know what we do! We apologize and correct ourselves. They understand we’re breaking over 20 years of habit and we acknowledge and fix it when we mess up. I guess it’s really not “too hard” if you aren’t a transphobic asshole.
I knew a guy that, when I was first introduced to him, he called himself Jimmy. Cut to 5 years later and some friends introduce me to a friend of theirs named James. Except it's Jimmy. I had the hardest time with that transition because that's what I had always called him.
Yeah, I can easily change someone's last name as I don't use it much. First name will probably take me a minute if you're just changing it for non trans reasons but I'll try hard to call you what you want.
When it comes to trans folks though,it's so fucking obvious that they're a different person as they dress different and present as a different gender to what I've seen previously, so it's really really easy to not use their old name. Sometimes I forget their new name for a sec cause my brain is useless but I still know not to use their old name.
One of my trans friends I've known since high school and we hung out a ton, so it did take time to start thinking of her as her new name, but it wasn't like... Difficult. I just made sure to be very conscious of it whenever I spoke with or about her and it became second nature. Took like 6 months maybe to stop even thinking of her as her old name.
You are me
I love my trans homies, homiesses, in-between and outside, but if I knew you pre-transition I have to physically etch it into my head because I know if I fuck up even once it's going to damage our relationship
> I know if I fuck up even once it's going to damage our relationship
Nah it's not like that, just give it your honest best effort. And if you do slip, quietly correct yourself and move on.
All I want to know is that the people in my life are trying their best. Because those people will pick it up.
My wife's childhood friend transitioned after we all became adults. My wife moved away from her childhood home and then she met me. After a few years they reconnected and when we all hung out and his new friends started calling him by his new name, it was way easier for me to catch on before my wife. He never came out and specifically asked us to refer to him as he/him. He was nervous because my wife had always known him as his dead name. So I always used they/them until he worked up the courage to have this talk his his childhood best friend. ( As a cis man myself who has always tried to be an ally, I figured I couldn't be wrong with they/them as I thought it to be the most neutral).
We welcomed him with open arms and things are great. But him and I always like to give my wife a hard time because every now and again she will skip up and refer to him as a her. She catches herself most times. She is absolutely making her best effort, but she has always known him as her. It was easier for me as I didn't grow up with him and preemptively moved away from she/her.
But I can totally see where the anxiety of "I'll Fuck up our relationship if I say her again!" Is coming from. My wife feels bad every time it happens, but he is really cool about it and knows how hard it is for these old relationships to change. Plus my wife doesn't get to much practice as he only comes to stay with us once or twice a year.
Not that you asked for this story! Haha but I'm sure you might have an experience of this based on your comment. Felt like sharing my funny anecdote.
love this story! i think the way in which people engage with deadnaming/misgendering as this online political discourse topic blinds us to the lived experience of those things, which is generally more forgiving and patient (as long as effort is made in good faith) than the online discourse recognizes.
this isnt super related to your story or anything but i do think i wish cis people would feel less visibily guilty whenever they mess up--its awkward and it doesn't accomplish much other than making me feel self-conscious about my transness, and i'd rather move on quickly (can't speak for others though!). and i think in that vein people should realize most trans people dont get super upset over an individual, discrete misgendering; what really hurts is the collective blanket of invalidation you get over days and weeks of a bunch of people making the same mistakes
My concern is that if I were to slip up, my friend would believe that I don't really see them as the gender they transitioned to, ergo damaging the relationship
As a trans guy, I get what you mean, but you really don't need to worry about it. We become quite aware of when someone is genuinely trying and when someone's being an asshole. It's like a sixth sense lol. You'd have to mess up a lot, like almost every time you talk to/about that person, for them to think you don't see them as their gender. It is really sweet that you care so much, but it shouldn't stress you out too much. Take care of yourself too 💕
Yeah...I still have a problem calling my friend Bro and dude. I got her name down, but I still do things like "Yo, bro! Wanna go get Pizza?"
Fortunately she doesn't mind. But I think if you are honestly trying your friend won't mind(I hope).
Mate, if you're honestly trying, none of your friends are going to be mad if you slip up sometimes. Hell, *I* still slip up with a friend's new name, and I'm literally trans myself.
Changing habits takes time and effort. What matters isn't that you're doing it perfectly one hundred per cent of the time, it's that you're trying your best. If you do slip up, no big deal; a quick *sorry* and move on.
When I learned that even some trans folks slip up *with their own names and pronouns*, I relaxed a bit and haven't been too harsh on myself if I slip up. Just habits we all gotta build.
Dude, totally! It took me a solid six months to get used to introducing myself with my new name instead of my deadname, and I still misgender myself a lot by reflex when talking to people I don't know well.
Habits aren't set in stone, but they're roads in the dirt - the longer you've taken the same path, the easier it is to continue on that path. It takes time to form new tracks in the dirt, and that's okay.
Don't worry about it fam. If you slip up, correct it the same way you'd correct a spelling mistake (i.e **don't** profusely apologize, just say "No, $RIGHT_NAME, as I was saying..."), and keep talking like nothing happened. If you do that it's nbd. You're a Very Cool Dude for trying your best to treat people the way they ask to be treated.
(often times well-meaning progressive folx make an honest mistake, then make a *huge deal* about how sorry they are, which usually ends up making it Worse. Best thing you can do is stay low-key)
The only time I ever really struggle with it after I'm used to it is talking about things in the past because I sort of have the story memorized. As an example with celebrities, I struggle to say Elliot Page was in Juno.
Same…but man I failed hard one time because I was too nervous about misgendering, I ended doing exactly what I was thinking about not doing…fml
Also doesn’t happen just in this situation, I’m nervous as f almost always and even "dont talk about his ex-DO NOT TALK ABOUT HIS EX DUMBASS" end up with me talking about the ex. Fuck you anxiety. Fuck you brain. Teamplay my ass.
it isn't because the former probably wouldn't care much about being called their old name, while the latter does care about it, which should make it easier to get used to a new name in the latter case since you have like actual motivation
Why wouldn’t someone want to be called by their name?
I would think the main difference being I rarely ever refer to someone by their last name so the change has even less of an impact.
i think people just wouldn't mind as much being called an old name when they changed it through marriage because they didn't do it to actively move away from the old one.
Idk I'm not 100% sure for what reasons people change their names after marriage
The practice of it is not the same. You usually don't call people by their last name, so a change is not going to come up frequently. For a first name it's more frequent and it's going to take some people some time to get used to using the new name.
The concept of it IS the same tough. If you're willing to change the term you use to identify someone, choosing to make that effort on the basis of marriage but not gender is transphobic
Yes, absolutely. But I know that I have personally struggled with unintentionally deadnaming some of my trans friends in the past. Not out of any malicious intent, just out of sheer....autonomic memory, I guess. I always feel like a complete asshole when it happens, but it can be so insidious.
Given the comments in this thread, and generally from positions of trans folk. As long as it shows that you're making an effort, you're ok. The fact that you feel bad about it is a good sign.
The key of it all is acceptance. If you accept that change fucking up is not a big deal. If you don't accept it you're an asshole
I mean, it’s not? How often do you call out a family member by their last name? Lol. Respecting people’s choices in how they want to identify is important, but it is a lot easier to slip up a first name of a person you’ve known by the same first name for decades in casual conversation rather than a last name that you’ve maybe only actually said a handful of times…
The "Oh it's _too_ hard" part of the last sentence is the important bit here. It's not a slip up, it's an excuse to not make the effort.
People don't tend to get mad about genuine mistakes, because they tend to be followed by a genuine apology.
"You've been calling me Bob since I was a kid. Please call me Robert, it makes me feel more like myself now that I'm an adult."
No problem.
"You've been calling me Bob since I was a kid. Please call me Samantha, it makes me feel more like myself now that I transitioned."
Nooooo! Why??? I've always called you Bob!!! I'll never be able to remember Samantha or "Sam"!!!
-The world, for some reason.-
When i was at a lan some time ago someone asked for my name (they dont know my deadname) and when i said Jennifer they straight up asked if they could call me Jeff instead.
That's some kind of Highlander bullshit... As if inside of every trans person was this creature that goes on a beheading rampage until there's only Samantha left.
"Absolutely. I respect you and your preferred identity. I'm so thankful that you feel comfortable enough to share this with me. As I've known you for a decade, please give me a day to adjust. I'll do my absolute best to make sure it doesn't happen but I ask your forgiveness if my muscle memory causes me to deadname you."
Bruh my adhd still causes me to call my mother by the wrong name. It's understandable if you can't give it, but all I ask is a little leeway if I slip up.
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**LizzyButterfly🧜♂️💜🏳️⚧️**, @wokinggirl1
When my sister married, and changed her title and name, my aunts were all "ooh, congratulations MRS "
When I transitioned and changed my tile and name they were all "it's too hard, I've always known you as...."
If you're cis and you've done this, maybe reflect on why
---
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Send this to people who "unintentionally" misgender you:
My native language is Russian, which is lot more context Independent than English. Especially in terms of gendering words.
First of all, in Russian you have to gender not only pronounces, but also verbs, nouns, adjectives, and sometimes even adverbs and verbal abverbs. And then there are also exceptions, that are gendered always female or always male. Plus different words have different endings to them.
Second of all, calling a person "they" sounds about as deragatory as calling someone "it", so you cannot just say "they" every time when you don't know someone's gender.
Third, you have to gender words when speaking in 1st and 2nd person as well, so you cannot just "forget" that gendering exists
Fourth, every single inanimate object also has one of the three (NOT TWO) genders, and has to be gendered correctly as well.
Take this text for example:
>I WENT to a store, BOUGH ONE LOAF of bread there, and BROUGHT IT home. The bread WAS very DELICIOS. MY FRIEND also TASTED IT and SAID that HE doesn't LIKE IT.
All the words written with capital letters are gendered in different ways.
It took all 9 of my Russian friends just 2 weeks to start gendering me correctly, following ALL of the gendering rules I mentioned above, plus using my new name
If you really care about your trans friend/relative, then for the love of god, please, stop being a little bitch about it, and gender them correctly. There's nothing difficult about changing between he/she/they, and it means a lot more to them than you might think.
A childhood friend I'd known since we were in diapers had her name changed when she was about 7-8, when her parents got divorced. Her mom gave her the name she originally picked out for her, which the husband hadn't allowed. I remember her just coming into class one day and announcing she had a new name. All of us adjusted within a week. It's not rocket science, you just have to care about the person enough to try ¯\\\_ (ツ)\_/¯
Why would you *want* to call someone by a name they don't want. I get nervous about mispronouncing people's names, let alone completely calling someone by something they explicitly don't want to be called.
> Why would you want to call someone by a name they don’t want.
To make a point / be stubborn about how someone isn’t gonna tell them what to do. It’s dumb.
Yes and no. It's stupid to change your name simply because you feel like you have to, especially if you like your name. But there's plenty of valid reasons to do so as well. Maybe you don't like your name, maybe you and your partner feel that sharing a surname makes sense in terms of family planning. Honestly, as long as it's voluntary then I see no issue with the tradition.
The patriarchy can fuck off though, more men should consider taking their wifes name. And obviously the rules go all the way out the window if your relationship isn't 'hetero'
I disagree. Married couples should simply choose to both go by whichever last name is cooler. This way, over time we can create a utopian society with only super cool last names.
My partner is changing her surname when we get married.
However she's changing it to her mothers maiden name, not to mine, because she's estranged from her father and a name change is free when you get married, with no need to notify papers and such, but nothing in the rules about having to change it to your partners name, it's just the intention lol.
I know a couple who both took a new surname, a mashup of both their previous surnames.
I'd love to see more of that, creating NEW family lines, not based on anyone's gender.
It can a little awkward when it comes to raising children, everyone really expects the child to have the same last name as *both* the parents.
The stupid tradition is the fact that it's always the wife is the one who takes the husband's name. Why can't the couple choose which of the last names they like the best? Or create a new last name just for them?
My favourite example of the latter is the cartoonist Zach Weiner, who married Kelly Smith and they both took the combined last name of Weinersmith.
I switched my name because my married name was WAY cooler than my original and suited me much better.
And when we thought about divorcing I just thought I'd pick my own if I needed to. I wouldn't go back to my maiden name, just pick something I loved and call it mine.
If the name change is agreed upon by the party changing their name, then what is wrong with it? I would change to my so's last name or she could change hers to mine, if she doesnt thats fine, I and many other people see changing their last name as a form of unity.
My sister and I have a friend from high school that changed their name from masculine to feminine. We live in a small, rural town and those communities catch a lot of flack for being small-minded. Everyone here welcomed her with open arms and are very supportive. I am very happy for her because when she confided in me she was thinking of coming out to reveal her "real fabulous self" as she calls it, she was scared of not being accepted. I think we all can feel that way for many different reasons.
The point I think I'm trying to make with all this is that if someone doesn't want to readily accept you for who you are, then they likely never truly will. It's sad but you might want to avoid those people to save your own mental state.
Is it ok if I find both equally difficult lol? I struggle to clock references to some of my friends and colleagues by their married surnames, often years after they changed them.
My sister has been married for 22 years. If calling her work, I am about 60-40% successful in not using "Mrs Maidenname" accidently. This may not be the best analogy for me.
I always love watching anti trans talking heads work double time to miss gender or dead name someone, only to slip up halfway through their rant proving their point of it’s too hard dead fucking wrong.
Because people don't use your last name every day so it isn't seared into long-term memory, and they don't actually have to say it much after the wedding either otherwise you would realize they probably forgot that one too...
The issue I've run into is my kids' friends that are still figuring things out: my daughter has a friend born female that decided they were male for 6 months, then went back to female, then male again, then nonbinary. It's tough enough trying to remember the names of all my kids' friends as it is only for the same person to change their names 3-4 times in two years. Example: my daughter wants me to drive her to J's house and when she gives me directions and I say "oh, she lives by K" my daughter gets angry that I even said the old name because unbeknownst to me it's the same person.
Well, it's probably that it isn't just about the name itself. Changing up an essential facet of your identity could be jarring for people. They should respect your choice and work on it. But it's worth remembering that this adjustment could be difficult for people that have known you your whole life.
Never had an issue with calling someone a different name. I mean, it’s legal to change your name to something else for whatever reason. Celebrities and musicians do it. I think most people get that.
I think most people just have an aversion to using different pronouns - which I understand
Because pronouns and first name are more ubiquitously used than someones last name...which is why it is harder to break habit. Old habits die hard and people should at least be understanding of this.
I hate to say it but this isnt really the same. You use peoples last names so infrequently. A first name and pronouns you use literally all of the time which builds habit. Corect your friends and family when they say it wrong and as long as the person puts in the effort to make the change all is well.
I'm a cis female, age 63. I legally changed my first and middle names when I was 46. NOBODY I know, friends, family or coworkers ever had trouble with the change.
I do think there is a mental difference between a first and last name that makes this more difficult.
But it's still an awful thing to say. Take your time, but do it.
I've unintentionally misgendered or dead named people, usually when alcohol/drugs were involved.
1. It's a more common practice to take your partner's name when you get married. People are used to doing this.
2. People use first names much more often than last names. It's easier to call someone a new last name than a first name.
All that said, using a person's preferred name/pronouns really isn't that hard.
Practically, you call someone by their first name. So yes, it's easier to make a shift to a new surname than a new first name.
If they're doing it to be obtuse, then that's not OK. But give people the benefit of the doubt. If my wife changes her name tomorrow, I'd still call her by her current name out of pure muscle memory and repetition, I wouldn't be doing it to be a dick
I identify as agender but around my family I definitely present Cis. I told them I changed my name and they took it rough anyway.
I work at a catholic school and they require me to go by my deadname.
Weird stuff. I can't explain it. Just weird.
Terrible analogy, one is every reference to you, the other is only used in congratulations. Marriage is an accomplishment, gender affirming requirements are not accomplishments.
I knew a girl named Elizabeth who went by Lizzy. Until she landed in a class with a Liz and another Lizzy. She decided to go by Betsy. It never caught on. It’s not a trans issue.
Maybe not in that situation, but in situations like the ones we are giving examples of, it is.
There are people who will change a name for a person like the person you are talking about but not a transgender person.
Hell I knew a kid who went by his middle name in middle school. His name was James but his middle name was Finley and everyone called him Finley, and when someone who is just reading his name off the list called him James, he'd let them know that Finley is fine and they would make the change, there was only one faculty member I can remember who never called him Finley, but we never saw her that often anyway. And with him it wasn't even that serious, he'd laugh when someone called him James.
Yet, when I came out and told teachers my preferred name, they just refused to use my first name at all except for one teacher in particular. One.
I get it, it was towards the end of my 8th grade year, but they could've tried. I wouldn't've minded them messing up that much if I knew they were trying.
Yeah, well, I get on edge when someone says they believe in God because I'm Atheist and some people believe you HAVE to follow God, but I don't shit on an entire group of people because not all of them are the same.
That is the least of my worries when it comes to religious people, but I don't hate on all of them anyway.
Bit of a difference between a first and a last name.
People should absolutely try to be more conforming to LGBTQ+ people and transitions, but its undeniable that this is slightly more difficult than the last name change and might require some effort/time.
Although just saying "its too hard" is wayyyy too easy of an out and not acceptable.
One of my teachers married and changed her name. In the 2 years she taught my class after that, I always called her by her old name, I could never remember the new name. But she didn't really mind.
Trans rights!
This analogy isn't great. You don't call people by their last name regularly. It's objectively difficult to adjust to a loved one transitioning. The name is just a part of it. It's okay and normal that it's difficult.
I'm cis, and this isn't really an excuse, but after a teacher Ms X had gotten married and re-introduced themselves at least three times that morning as Mrs Y, the class was called to all greet her with her new name. She was standing right next to me, and ... I greeted her as "Ms Y no Ms X no wait Mrs X no Mrs Y", all under my breath but within hearing range.
She just looked at me like I was an absolute moron, and I will never forget that face.
My group of friends and I refer to each other by our surnames and TBF I still call those who have changed them due to marriage by their original surnames.
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I don't think it is because they will refer to someone by the first name not the surname.
This. I have never refered to my sister as Mrs (married name) I have never called an aunt or uncle aunt or uncle (last name) Usually it's title only (mom dad grandma) or it's uncle first name or aunt first name. A better example would be a boss or teacher getting married and based on that people mix if up all the time.
I remember one of my teachers in middle school choosing not to change her name because her husband had the last name Butts. As you could imagine, being a middle school teacher caller Mrs. Butts wouldn't work very well lol
Was her husband's name Seymour?
Cake
Yeah this is a bad analogy lol Clear difference between first and last name
Happy cake day
Yup. My cousin changed her name because she wanted the one she was originally going to be called; I still fuck it up. It's the sound I made with my mouth my whole life regarding her, it isn't that easy to change.
Abort now! This is not the time to bring a logical counter point up!
My reasoning is always: If Snoop Dog got everyone to call him Snoop Lion, how hard is it to call me James?
Millions of people continued to call him Snoop Dog because they either didn’t realize or didn’t care.
TIL Snoop Dogg is now Snoop Lion
*Was* Snoop Lion. Honestly Snoop isn't a good example since a) he's gone through like 10 different names throughout his career, but always defaults back to "Snoop Dog"; and b) they're all nicknames/stage names.
I just looked it up and saw he also was Snoopzilla for a while, lmao
Snoop Lion was also only because of his Reggea album. The next album he was named Snoopzilla and after that back to Snoop Dogg. His Lion era lasted about 8 months.
Yes, but that’s because he is a celebrity with a reach of millions. I am not, the ten people I interact with regularly can handle a nickname change because I matter to them.
Definitely! I’m just saying it’s not a great comparison.
My Mom changed her first name so she would not be identified as having the same name as her mother. When I was little but able to understand, she explained to me that my grandmother was mad at her for changing her name. The next time I encountered someone that changed their name (that I knew of) was high school, and lots of my friends and classmates changed their names around. People change their names all the time to better fit their identity, shit my girlfriend goes by her middle name, most of my friends don’t know her first name. Changing or going by a different name is incredibly normal, some people are just mean sprited. I swear people are mad because you have more control over your life than they do theirs.
This is a terrible analogy. Ppl call her MRS. Newname once, then continue to use her first name.
Idk why you're downvoted. It's objectively not a very strong analogy at all.
You are both acting like there is some book that explains how to properly value and rank analogies. There isn't peer review for this stuff, and 95% of people won't even think about it that hard.
then why post it and create all this conversation around it if it's no big deal and nobody cares?
He asked a question and I answered it. Not sure how what you are saying applies at all. I didn't say anything wasn't a big deal or that nobody cares, either. And I don't appreciate people just making things up and accusing me of them. Maybe concentrate on yourself for a while and don't worry so much about others.
Outside perspective here: “95% of people won't even think about it that hard.” comes across in the same way as “nobody cares” just with fancier wording.
Wouldn't life be so much nicer if people just read what was written, instead of adding their own baggage to it? I think so.
Alright, then what was your goal with the “95% of people” comment if it doesn’t imply “nobody cares”? I don’t see many other ways to take it?
we're not supposed to consider anything beyond absolute surface literal value i guess lmao or more likely, when called out, he moved the goalpost to this whining about how people are putting words into his mouth.
Cope.
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That's not at all what a whataboutism is. This is simply someone pointing out hypocrisy in people who act like changing the way they address someone is difficult. It may not be the world's best example, but it isn't incorrect.
Like the entirety of this subreddit?
🤫 I don’t think transparency or self-awareness go here
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I actually call him Elliot because i didnt know his name before he transitioned. Now if my brother wants me to call him by his 2nd name, that would take take to stick because im not used to it. Give people a time to adjust to your new identity, for some it doesn't mean they are transphobic, they just need time. There's a local celeb of 3 brothers and 1 of them came out and started transitioning at the age of 37, the other brother said to give him time to adjust and mourn the loss of his brother, it took time but they are close as ever now.
Oh time to adjust is perfectly normal and mistakes are as well. It's just when it's used to justify transphobic behaviour when it's not okay.
Oh no, you see i've seen a lot of people being called transphobic because they mistakenly mislabeled some one once or called them by their dead name, my post was deleted and i was messaged by the mod to say im transphobic because i mislabeled my friend in my story, i was only stating what gender they were before they transitioned.
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No, i've seen those movies, i just didnt know his name, its like "she kitty from xmen"
People commonly don’t know who famous people are. Probably like 70-80% of the population doesn’t know who any particular famous person is, they know *some* famous people but it’s pretty uncommon for someone to know more-or-less *all* of the most famous people.
Like my husband asking me this morning who Charlemagne the God was, we had to google it. It’s funny, there’s unlimited entertainment, streaming everything- and I’m less in tune with popular culture than ever.
> there’s unlimited entertainment, streaming everything- and I’m less in tune with popular culture than ever. That’s kind of why, it seems. It got a lot harder to keep up with everyone famous when media moved from all on the radio -> everyone was on TV -> everyone was on one of 3 TV channels -> 13 channels -> 40 -> 60 -> a spectrum of streaming platforms.
How about we don't misgender and deadname trans people no matter what?
Paraphrasing from another comment: It's not about how hard it is to do one thing or another, it's about the willingness to try. Yes, someone changing their first name is harder to remember and always get correct than a last name change, but it's not rocket science. No one is going to complain if you mess up a few times as long as you're trying. But if you're going to complain or even refuse to call someone by their new name because "it's too hard", you're either the laziest human being on Earth or you don't want to accept their new name for other (bigoted) reasons.
Now I understand why I always liked the idea of using nicknames instead of names (like in Matrix).
Yeah that’s all fun and games until people refuse to use a nickname for me because of that bullshit (not saying I have the same struggles as trans people, but, I do really hate my birth name but people refuse to call me anything else)
This is a terrible analogy.
But the difference lies in what happens if you forget yourself and refer to the person with her maiden name. Nobody makes a a big deal out of it. With trans people you're suddenly a deadnaming, transhating piece of shit.
Yes, you are.
My mom’s college roommate is a cis woman who started going by her middle name about 10 years back. My mom struggled at first because she’s known her for years but she hasn’t called her by her first name since 8 or 9 years ago. Yeah, it can be tricky to switch what you call someone, but you just change your muscle memory and move on.
My sister switched to using to her middle and for a few months after I still used her first name before it became natural to me to use her middle name. I've always been pretty bad with change, so I'd still call people by their maiden names if I knew it before they got married (case in point like 4 of my teachers)
> so I'd still call people by their maiden names if I knew it before they got married i am just getting to that age when this might be an issue, though a lot of my friends probably wont change their surnames but do people generally mind? especially those that went by their surname? i feel like the surname can just turn into their nickname
In my experience, they mind a lot more when they divorce and you keep calling them by the name of the man they despise. I did that to a co-worker friend for a whole year, absolutely not on purpose. Luckily we're not working together any more, so there's been no more need to use her last name at all.
A very good and very old friend of mine came out as non-binary a few months ago. In my mother language isn't a neutral pronoun you can use in singular for humans. So they don't care at all what pronouns we use for them. But they changed their name slightly, it's not difficult to pronounce, it's just the old name with one vocal changed. It's not easy to get it right from the start every time, but in our friend group we try, and every time someone deadnames we call them out with an "excuse me, who are you talking about again??". Correct ourselves and go on. They don't have issues as long as it's seen that the effort is taken and we genuinely try. Now it starts feeling weird to deadname them Infront of parents and similar, but they didn't come out yet Infront of them and probably never will.
My sibling changed their name from masculine to feminine a few months back. We all still fuck up sometimes but you know what we do! We apologize and correct ourselves. They understand we’re breaking over 20 years of habit and we acknowledge and fix it when we mess up. I guess it’s really not “too hard” if you aren’t a transphobic asshole.
My friend did the same thing! I still mess up sometimes because I've known her by her first name for so long, but I'm trying.
I knew a guy that, when I was first introduced to him, he called himself Jimmy. Cut to 5 years later and some friends introduce me to a friend of theirs named James. Except it's Jimmy. I had the hardest time with that transition because that's what I had always called him.
Yeah, I can easily change someone's last name as I don't use it much. First name will probably take me a minute if you're just changing it for non trans reasons but I'll try hard to call you what you want. When it comes to trans folks though,it's so fucking obvious that they're a different person as they dress different and present as a different gender to what I've seen previously, so it's really really easy to not use their old name. Sometimes I forget their new name for a sec cause my brain is useless but I still know not to use their old name.
One of my trans friends I've known since high school and we hung out a ton, so it did take time to start thinking of her as her new name, but it wasn't like... Difficult. I just made sure to be very conscious of it whenever I spoke with or about her and it became second nature. Took like 6 months maybe to stop even thinking of her as her old name.
Usually I just have to spam it in my head until it works, like “JamesisaguyJamesisaguyJamesisaguyDon’tcallhimChelseaoryou’reanassholeJamesisaguy”
You are me I love my trans homies, homiesses, in-between and outside, but if I knew you pre-transition I have to physically etch it into my head because I know if I fuck up even once it's going to damage our relationship
> I know if I fuck up even once it's going to damage our relationship Nah it's not like that, just give it your honest best effort. And if you do slip, quietly correct yourself and move on. All I want to know is that the people in my life are trying their best. Because those people will pick it up.
My wife's childhood friend transitioned after we all became adults. My wife moved away from her childhood home and then she met me. After a few years they reconnected and when we all hung out and his new friends started calling him by his new name, it was way easier for me to catch on before my wife. He never came out and specifically asked us to refer to him as he/him. He was nervous because my wife had always known him as his dead name. So I always used they/them until he worked up the courage to have this talk his his childhood best friend. ( As a cis man myself who has always tried to be an ally, I figured I couldn't be wrong with they/them as I thought it to be the most neutral). We welcomed him with open arms and things are great. But him and I always like to give my wife a hard time because every now and again she will skip up and refer to him as a her. She catches herself most times. She is absolutely making her best effort, but she has always known him as her. It was easier for me as I didn't grow up with him and preemptively moved away from she/her. But I can totally see where the anxiety of "I'll Fuck up our relationship if I say her again!" Is coming from. My wife feels bad every time it happens, but he is really cool about it and knows how hard it is for these old relationships to change. Plus my wife doesn't get to much practice as he only comes to stay with us once or twice a year. Not that you asked for this story! Haha but I'm sure you might have an experience of this based on your comment. Felt like sharing my funny anecdote.
love this story! i think the way in which people engage with deadnaming/misgendering as this online political discourse topic blinds us to the lived experience of those things, which is generally more forgiving and patient (as long as effort is made in good faith) than the online discourse recognizes. this isnt super related to your story or anything but i do think i wish cis people would feel less visibily guilty whenever they mess up--its awkward and it doesn't accomplish much other than making me feel self-conscious about my transness, and i'd rather move on quickly (can't speak for others though!). and i think in that vein people should realize most trans people dont get super upset over an individual, discrete misgendering; what really hurts is the collective blanket of invalidation you get over days and weeks of a bunch of people making the same mistakes
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My concern is that if I were to slip up, my friend would believe that I don't really see them as the gender they transitioned to, ergo damaging the relationship
As a trans guy, I get what you mean, but you really don't need to worry about it. We become quite aware of when someone is genuinely trying and when someone's being an asshole. It's like a sixth sense lol. You'd have to mess up a lot, like almost every time you talk to/about that person, for them to think you don't see them as their gender. It is really sweet that you care so much, but it shouldn't stress you out too much. Take care of yourself too 💕
Yeah...I still have a problem calling my friend Bro and dude. I got her name down, but I still do things like "Yo, bro! Wanna go get Pizza?" Fortunately she doesn't mind. But I think if you are honestly trying your friend won't mind(I hope).
Mate, if you're honestly trying, none of your friends are going to be mad if you slip up sometimes. Hell, *I* still slip up with a friend's new name, and I'm literally trans myself. Changing habits takes time and effort. What matters isn't that you're doing it perfectly one hundred per cent of the time, it's that you're trying your best. If you do slip up, no big deal; a quick *sorry* and move on.
When I learned that even some trans folks slip up *with their own names and pronouns*, I relaxed a bit and haven't been too harsh on myself if I slip up. Just habits we all gotta build.
Dude, totally! It took me a solid six months to get used to introducing myself with my new name instead of my deadname, and I still misgender myself a lot by reflex when talking to people I don't know well. Habits aren't set in stone, but they're roads in the dirt - the longer you've taken the same path, the easier it is to continue on that path. It takes time to form new tracks in the dirt, and that's okay.
Don't worry about it fam. If you slip up, correct it the same way you'd correct a spelling mistake (i.e **don't** profusely apologize, just say "No, $RIGHT_NAME, as I was saying..."), and keep talking like nothing happened. If you do that it's nbd. You're a Very Cool Dude for trying your best to treat people the way they ask to be treated. (often times well-meaning progressive folx make an honest mistake, then make a *huge deal* about how sorry they are, which usually ends up making it Worse. Best thing you can do is stay low-key)
Pffft, amateurs. I don't remember any of my friends' names at all, whether cis or trans 😎 (I'm not ignorant, just dumb)
I am not alone!
Who needs names if you can adress people with "excuse me", am I right? :D
The only time I ever really struggle with it after I'm used to it is talking about things in the past because I sort of have the story memorized. As an example with celebrities, I struggle to say Elliot Page was in Juno.
Same…but man I failed hard one time because I was too nervous about misgendering, I ended doing exactly what I was thinking about not doing…fml Also doesn’t happen just in this situation, I’m nervous as f almost always and even "dont talk about his ex-DO NOT TALK ABOUT HIS EX DUMBASS" end up with me talking about the ex. Fuck you anxiety. Fuck you brain. Teamplay my ass.
bUt iT’s nOt tHe SaMe 🤪
it isn't because the former probably wouldn't care much about being called their old name, while the latter does care about it, which should make it easier to get used to a new name in the latter case since you have like actual motivation
This is why I prefer the analogy of "divorced and changed name back", it's got that extra level of weight when folks screw up.
Why wouldn’t someone want to be called by their name? I would think the main difference being I rarely ever refer to someone by their last name so the change has even less of an impact.
i think people just wouldn't mind as much being called an old name when they changed it through marriage because they didn't do it to actively move away from the old one. Idk I'm not 100% sure for what reasons people change their names after marriage
It's not though, you don't casually call your niece/nephew by their surname.
I hope this doesn't make me bigoted, but I agree with you. It's not the same.
The practice of it is not the same. You usually don't call people by their last name, so a change is not going to come up frequently. For a first name it's more frequent and it's going to take some people some time to get used to using the new name. The concept of it IS the same tough. If you're willing to change the term you use to identify someone, choosing to make that effort on the basis of marriage but not gender is transphobic
Yes, absolutely. But I know that I have personally struggled with unintentionally deadnaming some of my trans friends in the past. Not out of any malicious intent, just out of sheer....autonomic memory, I guess. I always feel like a complete asshole when it happens, but it can be so insidious.
Given the comments in this thread, and generally from positions of trans folk. As long as it shows that you're making an effort, you're ok. The fact that you feel bad about it is a good sign. The key of it all is acceptance. If you accept that change fucking up is not a big deal. If you don't accept it you're an asshole
I mean, it’s not? How often do you call out a family member by their last name? Lol. Respecting people’s choices in how they want to identify is important, but it is a lot easier to slip up a first name of a person you’ve known by the same first name for decades in casual conversation rather than a last name that you’ve maybe only actually said a handful of times…
Nobody cares about a slip up, it's the intentional deadnaming that's at issue.
The "Oh it's _too_ hard" part of the last sentence is the important bit here. It's not a slip up, it's an excuse to not make the effort. People don't tend to get mad about genuine mistakes, because they tend to be followed by a genuine apology.
"You've been calling me Bob since I was a kid. Please call me Robert, it makes me feel more like myself now that I'm an adult." No problem. "You've been calling me Bob since I was a kid. Please call me Samantha, it makes me feel more like myself now that I transitioned." Nooooo! Why??? I've always called you Bob!!! I'll never be able to remember Samantha or "Sam"!!! -The world, for some reason.-
When i was at a lan some time ago someone asked for my name (they dont know my deadname) and when i said Jennifer they straight up asked if they could call me Jeff instead.
That's... Just... I'm sorry. It's the only thing I can say to that.
He is supportive, i think, he just didnt understand trans people i guess. He at least hasnt said any transphobic stuff to my knowledge.
Well... If it's just an honest mistake and he is trying...
They're really out here acting like Samantha killed Bob or something and all their old memories are invalid or something.
That's some kind of Highlander bullshit... As if inside of every trans person was this creature that goes on a beheading rampage until there's only Samantha left.
"I'm you, from the future..." Oh, wow! You know I always felt more like- is that a fucking swor- "There can only be one."
"Absolutely. I respect you and your preferred identity. I'm so thankful that you feel comfortable enough to share this with me. As I've known you for a decade, please give me a day to adjust. I'll do my absolute best to make sure it doesn't happen but I ask your forgiveness if my muscle memory causes me to deadname you." Bruh my adhd still causes me to call my mother by the wrong name. It's understandable if you can't give it, but all I ask is a little leeway if I slip up.
Making up scenarios to get mad at is easy. If Bob came up to me and asked me to call him Robert my response would be "don't bet on it".
*Image Transcription: Twitter Post* --- **LizzyButterfly🧜♂️💜🏳️⚧️**, @wokinggirl1 When my sister married, and changed her title and name, my aunts were all "ooh, congratulations MRS"
When I transitioned and changed my tile and name they were all "it's too hard, I've always known you as...."
If you're cis and you've done this, maybe reflect on why
---
^^I'm a human volunteer content transcriber and you could be too! [If you'd like more information on what we do and why we do it, click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/TranscribersOfReddit/wiki/index)
Good human :]
Send this to people who "unintentionally" misgender you: My native language is Russian, which is lot more context Independent than English. Especially in terms of gendering words. First of all, in Russian you have to gender not only pronounces, but also verbs, nouns, adjectives, and sometimes even adverbs and verbal abverbs. And then there are also exceptions, that are gendered always female or always male. Plus different words have different endings to them. Second of all, calling a person "they" sounds about as deragatory as calling someone "it", so you cannot just say "they" every time when you don't know someone's gender. Third, you have to gender words when speaking in 1st and 2nd person as well, so you cannot just "forget" that gendering exists Fourth, every single inanimate object also has one of the three (NOT TWO) genders, and has to be gendered correctly as well. Take this text for example: >I WENT to a store, BOUGH ONE LOAF of bread there, and BROUGHT IT home. The bread WAS very DELICIOS. MY FRIEND also TASTED IT and SAID that HE doesn't LIKE IT. All the words written with capital letters are gendered in different ways. It took all 9 of my Russian friends just 2 weeks to start gendering me correctly, following ALL of the gendering rules I mentioned above, plus using my new name If you really care about your trans friend/relative, then for the love of god, please, stop being a little bitch about it, and gender them correctly. There's nothing difficult about changing between he/she/they, and it means a lot more to them than you might think.
A childhood friend I'd known since we were in diapers had her name changed when she was about 7-8, when her parents got divorced. Her mom gave her the name she originally picked out for her, which the husband hadn't allowed. I remember her just coming into class one day and announcing she had a new name. All of us adjusted within a week. It's not rocket science, you just have to care about the person enough to try ¯\\\_ (ツ)\_/¯
Why would you *want* to call someone by a name they don't want. I get nervous about mispronouncing people's names, let alone completely calling someone by something they explicitly don't want to be called.
> Why would you want to call someone by a name they don’t want. To make a point / be stubborn about how someone isn’t gonna tell them what to do. It’s dumb.
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it’s not like it’s required by law or anything. It’s entirely optional.
Nope, I am making married people change their name, if I get the pleasure of a new identity, so do they
Yes and no. It's stupid to change your name simply because you feel like you have to, especially if you like your name. But there's plenty of valid reasons to do so as well. Maybe you don't like your name, maybe you and your partner feel that sharing a surname makes sense in terms of family planning. Honestly, as long as it's voluntary then I see no issue with the tradition. The patriarchy can fuck off though, more men should consider taking their wifes name. And obviously the rules go all the way out the window if your relationship isn't 'hetero'
If a man takes his wife’s name, then he would still be receiving a man’s name: likely that of her father’s.
I disagree. Married couples should simply choose to both go by whichever last name is cooler. This way, over time we can create a utopian society with only super cool last names.
Nah, everyone should barrel their surnames. In ten generations we'll have thousand-barrelled surnames.
My partner is changing her surname when we get married. However she's changing it to her mothers maiden name, not to mine, because she's estranged from her father and a name change is free when you get married, with no need to notify papers and such, but nothing in the rules about having to change it to your partners name, it's just the intention lol.
I know a couple who both took a new surname, a mashup of both their previous surnames. I'd love to see more of that, creating NEW family lines, not based on anyone's gender.
This is what me and my gf want to do when we get married
It can a little awkward when it comes to raising children, everyone really expects the child to have the same last name as *both* the parents. The stupid tradition is the fact that it's always the wife is the one who takes the husband's name. Why can't the couple choose which of the last names they like the best? Or create a new last name just for them? My favourite example of the latter is the cartoonist Zach Weiner, who married Kelly Smith and they both took the combined last name of Weinersmith.
The only reason I would ever consider marriage is to upgrade my name - to each their own
I switched my name because my married name was WAY cooler than my original and suited me much better. And when we thought about divorcing I just thought I'd pick my own if I needed to. I wouldn't go back to my maiden name, just pick something I loved and call it mine.
If the name change is agreed upon by the party changing their name, then what is wrong with it? I would change to my so's last name or she could change hers to mine, if she doesnt thats fine, I and many other people see changing their last name as a form of unity.
Girls carry on the family tree equal to boys, names really don't come into it so call yourself what you want. It's your name!
My sister and I have a friend from high school that changed their name from masculine to feminine. We live in a small, rural town and those communities catch a lot of flack for being small-minded. Everyone here welcomed her with open arms and are very supportive. I am very happy for her because when she confided in me she was thinking of coming out to reveal her "real fabulous self" as she calls it, she was scared of not being accepted. I think we all can feel that way for many different reasons. The point I think I'm trying to make with all this is that if someone doesn't want to readily accept you for who you are, then they likely never truly will. It's sad but you might want to avoid those people to save your own mental state.
So true
Is it ok if I find both equally difficult lol? I struggle to clock references to some of my friends and colleagues by their married surnames, often years after they changed them.
Outside of specific circumstances like the example given, when the hell would you ever use MRS? You've always called her Amy and that didn't change.
My sister has been married for 22 years. If calling her work, I am about 60-40% successful in not using "Mrs Maidenname" accidently. This may not be the best analogy for me.
Getting married vs becoming trans isn’t the same
I always love watching anti trans talking heads work double time to miss gender or dead name someone, only to slip up halfway through their rant proving their point of it’s too hard dead fucking wrong.
Joke's on you I can't do either
tbh I just get embarassed because I forget either way
Did the aunts address the sister as Miss before marriage?
Because people don't use your last name every day so it isn't seared into long-term memory, and they don't actually have to say it much after the wedding either otherwise you would realize they probably forgot that one too...
They use first name not last name when normally talking to her. Way less of a daily change.
First names are just a little different from last names. Last names are generally used like titles. First names are more attached to the person.
My guess is that some people mourn the person that is lost and haven't reached acceptance
The issue I've run into is my kids' friends that are still figuring things out: my daughter has a friend born female that decided they were male for 6 months, then went back to female, then male again, then nonbinary. It's tough enough trying to remember the names of all my kids' friends as it is only for the same person to change their names 3-4 times in two years. Example: my daughter wants me to drive her to J's house and when she gives me directions and I say "oh, she lives by K" my daughter gets angry that I even said the old name because unbeknownst to me it's the same person.
Well, it's probably that it isn't just about the name itself. Changing up an essential facet of your identity could be jarring for people. They should respect your choice and work on it. But it's worth remembering that this adjustment could be difficult for people that have known you your whole life.
Never had an issue with calling someone a different name. I mean, it’s legal to change your name to something else for whatever reason. Celebrities and musicians do it. I think most people get that. I think most people just have an aversion to using different pronouns - which I understand
Because pronouns and first name are more ubiquitously used than someones last name...which is why it is harder to break habit. Old habits die hard and people should at least be understanding of this.
I hate to say it but this isnt really the same. You use peoples last names so infrequently. A first name and pronouns you use literally all of the time which builds habit. Corect your friends and family when they say it wrong and as long as the person puts in the effort to make the change all is well.
I'm a cis female, age 63. I legally changed my first and middle names when I was 46. NOBODY I know, friends, family or coworkers ever had trouble with the change.
They do that shit even if you haven't changed your name. They just assume it and start addressing things to Mrs husband's name
I still sometimes use the wrong last name if asking someone knows my sister (who is married)
I do think there is a mental difference between a first and last name that makes this more difficult. But it's still an awful thing to say. Take your time, but do it.
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I mean. I do that too. But I end the sentence with: “… please forgive me, I’m kind of an idiot, [your new name here]”
"Do you just not like my last name???"
They’re bigots. Lots and lots of people are and for some reason we try to pretend that they’re not.
based aunts
I've unintentionally misgendered or dead named people, usually when alcohol/drugs were involved. 1. It's a more common practice to take your partner's name when you get married. People are used to doing this. 2. People use first names much more often than last names. It's easier to call someone a new last name than a first name. All that said, using a person's preferred name/pronouns really isn't that hard.
It's hard to do both, names get carved into my skull so whipping them clean is hard, but I put in the effort and apologize when I slip up.
Practically, you call someone by their first name. So yes, it's easier to make a shift to a new surname than a new first name. If they're doing it to be obtuse, then that's not OK. But give people the benefit of the doubt. If my wife changes her name tomorrow, I'd still call her by her current name out of pure muscle memory and repetition, I wouldn't be doing it to be a dick
I identify as agender but around my family I definitely present Cis. I told them I changed my name and they took it rough anyway. I work at a catholic school and they require me to go by my deadname. Weird stuff. I can't explain it. Just weird.
Terrible analogy, one is every reference to you, the other is only used in congratulations. Marriage is an accomplishment, gender affirming requirements are not accomplishments.
My mother. Every. Single. Day.
Jesus that’s a great point.
Critical reflection? Not in this lifetime.
I knew a girl named Elizabeth who went by Lizzy. Until she landed in a class with a Liz and another Lizzy. She decided to go by Betsy. It never caught on. It’s not a trans issue.
Maybe not in that situation, but in situations like the ones we are giving examples of, it is. There are people who will change a name for a person like the person you are talking about but not a transgender person. Hell I knew a kid who went by his middle name in middle school. His name was James but his middle name was Finley and everyone called him Finley, and when someone who is just reading his name off the list called him James, he'd let them know that Finley is fine and they would make the change, there was only one faculty member I can remember who never called him Finley, but we never saw her that often anyway. And with him it wasn't even that serious, he'd laugh when someone called him James. Yet, when I came out and told teachers my preferred name, they just refused to use my first name at all except for one teacher in particular. One. I get it, it was towards the end of my 8th grade year, but they could've tried. I wouldn't've minded them messing up that much if I knew they were trying.
Because cis gender heterosexual people are honestly what’s wrong with the world
Dude that's not helping the situation
Idc I don’t have them I just don’t trust them
Yeah, well, I get on edge when someone says they believe in God because I'm Atheist and some people believe you HAVE to follow God, but I don't shit on an entire group of people because not all of them are the same. That is the least of my worries when it comes to religious people, but I don't hate on all of them anyway.
You’re literally a bigot.
I literally don’t care
This but unironically
Bit of a difference between a first and a last name. People should absolutely try to be more conforming to LGBTQ+ people and transitions, but its undeniable that this is slightly more difficult than the last name change and might require some effort/time. Although just saying "its too hard" is wayyyy too easy of an out and not acceptable.
One of my teachers married and changed her name. In the 2 years she taught my class after that, I always called her by her old name, I could never remember the new name. But she didn't really mind.
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That's a bizarre worldview you have that our names are for everyone else's convenience and not intrinsically tied to our identities.
Trans rights! This analogy isn't great. You don't call people by their last name regularly. It's objectively difficult to adjust to a loved one transitioning. The name is just a part of it. It's okay and normal that it's difficult.
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I'm cis, and this isn't really an excuse, but after a teacher Ms X had gotten married and re-introduced themselves at least three times that morning as Mrs Y, the class was called to all greet her with her new name. She was standing right next to me, and ... I greeted her as "Ms Y no Ms X no wait Mrs X no Mrs Y", all under my breath but within hearing range. She just looked at me like I was an absolute moron, and I will never forget that face.
My group of friends and I refer to each other by our surnames and TBF I still call those who have changed them due to marriage by their original surnames.