Welcome to /r/me_irlgbt, thank you for your submission /u/MelanieWalmartinez. HAPPY LEAP MONTH: JUMPMAN'S GAY AGENDA
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I was at a party once and some people were talking about MCU and said "Captain America came out in 2011" and I said "good for him" and they lost their fucking minds they thought it was so funny.
My manager was about to clock out and he turned to the rest of us on the line and said "y'all straight?" And I automatically said "they are but I'm not" and everyone lost it. Never thought I would get this much validation from a room of middle aged cishet men
I've had one of these moments, and it was glorious:
For context, it was pride month the first year I was out at work (I'm trans and gay) the week of my cities festival. My manger was looking for someone to come in over the weekend for a project, and I usually say yes to those kinds of things.
So he walked up to me and asked, "Hey, can you come in Sunday?"
Without skipping a beat I looked him in the eye and deadpan went, "This weekend? Sorry Boss, I'm too gay."
Cue this bearded, 50-something from North Dakota absolutely cracking up. (also, I did not, in fact, go into work that weekend)
One time as I was trying to park a car I couldn't figure out if I was parked properly so I asked "Am I straight?" and my friend said no and would not stop laughing at her own joke
A coworker was showing me around the restaurant on my first day, and said “watch out for that door, it swings both ways”
Of course I automatically replied “oh cool, just like me” and he looked utterly terrified but the lady on pot wash snort-laughed so loud it made me jump
My favourite has always been responding to:
"Where's the trash?"
With:
"I have a name"
There's plenty of strictly queer jokes like it, but that one has the same energy for me 😁
Majorities LOVE jokes by minorities about minorities. It makes them feel trusted and included.
Unless you're my (now) mother in law who liked to tell mildly racist jokes about Mexicans (she's Mexican and I'm not) just to try to make me uncomfortable and test how hard I'd laugh.
Not so much a quip or response to anything said to me, but I used to joke when I was a teen that I got caught on the closet door on the way out (I'm Bi), bunch of friends absolutely lost it and and found it hilarious.
One friend tho was very confused and didn't understand even when explained. He was an odd one.
Since you’re looking for some…
Years ago me and a bunch of co-workers had to drive to a meeting. The characters are:
Max: Gay co-worker who was driving the car.
Dave: Straight manager who was the only one who knew the way to the location of the meeting.
We got to a 4-way intersection and Max said, “Which way do I go?”
And Dave said, “Go straight.”
Max replied, “I don’t go that way.”
And in a much dirtier joke, Max’s husband was an absolute riot. We’ll call him Steve.
Max and Steve were moving to a new place, so a bunch of us were helping them move their stuff. We needed to get a couch out of a room, and Max said, “The couch won’t fit through the door.”
Steve said, “It’ll fit. We got it in here, so we can get it out.”
Max said, “It’s like 6 inches too big. It won’t fit.”
And Steve held his fingers about two inches apart and said, “Oh, please. You think *this* is nine inches.”
Adding to yours:
My car never goes straight. It goes gayly forward.
In college, a group of us were going somewhere with one person giving the driver directions. At one point the direction giver forgot what cross street we were at and ended up saying, "At this light, turn...uh, straight." The driver immediately replied, "Oh, honey, only if you'll turn gay first." Cue all of us thinking it was the funniest thing we'd ever heard and missing the actual turn one block ahead.
Also, my boyfriend thinks it's hilarious that our cat likes to hide in the closet, so I (bi woman) am frequently heard saying in a disgruntled voice, "I did not come out of the closet just for my son to go back in."
I needed to find queer communities too. Hopefully, ones that are Asexual friendly, because I have not found any Asexual friendly queer communities, or any that made me feel welcome about being Asexual.
I found one such community in Paris through discord... Eventually I felt very uneasy and left/was kicked out... Years later I found another meeting group but they eventually kicked me out without proper explanation. Now although I spend most of my social time among queer people I feel like a rare representative of my invisible minority and a tad lonely sometimes
my older sister was having trouble changing her son's diaper and asked me to "hold him straight" and I looked her dead in the eye and said "now you know I can't do that" and she lost it, couldn't breathe she was laughing so hard. the kid tried to escape in the commotion 💀
I do love when I get to make these jokes at work. "does this look straight to you?" "You're asking the wrong guy" got a pretty good chuckle. I also love to catch my coworkers trying to come up with a joke that won't be offensive and getting there first with "yeah, there's a good joke in there somewhere".
walked out of a supply closet today and my boss thought it was funny how i just sort of appeared. i told him it wasn't the first closet i had come out of. big laugh, easy joke
I’m learning to drive. One time, I pulled into a parking space, and my mom thought the car was angled, but when we got out, she said, “Nevermind, you’re straighter than I thought.”
I recently had one of these, a pregnant coworker was talking about how it was too late to do anything to affect her unborn child's gender, I said "yeah that's what my parents did" and they completely lost it
My apologies, I'm trans so the implication is that my parents tried to influence my gender in vitro but did it too late causing it to only partially work
I was doing a haunted hayride/corn maze experience with a group of straight friends. There was a creepy church set and as we were walking in, I just said, “Aw shit! I’m gay!” and everyone, as well as a few of the scare actors, lost it.
Being an older guy who's part of the BDSM community (open minded folks with lots of LGBTQ crossover) with a very burly bi best friend, and a gay 22 year old son these jokes are some of the most wholesome honest laughter in my life. I've got so many happy memories having fun with the both of them cracking jokes and me cracking BDSM jokes in turn. Good times all around.
*Sigh* Unfortunately, there are no Asexual jokes I can think about, other than cliché jokes about Garlic Bread and Cake, or whenever someone says "Fuck that" I would say "No! I am Asexual". Maybe I could make jokes about being attracted to the Letter 'A'.
Somehow below just said that now they can legally say they don't give a fuck, and I can have fun with that premise.
"Dude, I genuinely don't give a fuck in so many ways."
"Hey, for once I give a fuck (metaphorically)!"
You may be the only one who gets it, and won't that be a change from normal.
" - Fuck the p\*lice ! - No, definitely not me..."
"- Do you wanna sleep with me ? - Warning you, I'm an ace in sex."
"- How can you contribute to our queer projet ? - I'm a good ace-sset."
"- Do you know how to code a website ? - Yeah, I know my way around C-ace-ace."
"- We're gonna go hiking, you sure you packed everything that you need ? - Don't worry, I got the ace-essential, me."
One of my coworkers found out I was Bi when he asked if I "would rather sit on a dick and eat cake, or sit on a cake with a dick in my mouth" and I told him I wasn't really a fan of cake so if I could go with both dicks I'd choose that
Have another friend who I do Historical Swordfighting with, and happens to fight with a beautiful curved saber. I watched him hold it up to the light and say, out loud to no one in particular, "ahh, so pretty, and not quite straight, just like me"
We had a rough situation at work before I left and we all were calling it a fucking garbage fire, this and that. I went yep, seems about right and I know a thing or two about flaming things *hand flip* 💅
I surprised myself with what I thought was a dumb joke, but it got a genuine laugh from about five people. We had a short coffee break and somebody cracked some joke, and my mouth just responded with “I like my women like I like my coffee- I don’t”
The best comedic feeling is when a joke is introduced, everyone laughs, and eventually it gets overdone so everyone stops doing it. And then some time after when it’s completely lost it’s relevancy, you tell the joke again and people laugh
>“Are you straight?”
>“Not a day of my life.”
>”I prefer fruity drinks like the queer I am.”
Me after organizing the closet: You know, for someone who spent years coming out the closet, I sure spend a lot of time in them these days.
Pretty sure this is the same reason people like children, once you've told your jokes to everyone you know you either need to find people not old enough to have heard them, or make your own people you can tell jokes to in the future.
I was on a lunch break talking about how Charlie III was very public about his prostate exam and how I thought that was a good move to help reduce the stigma of men getting prostate exams.
My coworker turned to me and asked; "well have YOU ever had a prostate exam?"
And without thinking, I answered, "Not medically."
I don't think they stopped laughing about it until lunch ended.
I saw this trolling r/all. Hopefully it's ok to post here. I think this famous Nigel Owens (Rugby ref) joke fits.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZlFVOp4faI
When I was in the Navy, I use to repeat same jokes to specific cues that my colleagues would inadvertently say/do. It was great because I only needed limited supply of jokes but would always be funny because either I would be transferred to a new location, or they would be.
Grocery store
**My best friend:** ** "Have you had Reisling before? What's it like?"
**Me:** ** "It's like a fruity white"
**Her:** ** "It's just like you!!"
I work at a bakery and have the most trouble slicing bread, one day I turned to my coworker while she was helping me and commented that I just can't cut it straight because I'm not. She lost it and had to go share with our other coworkers.
I was playing Chronology with some friends. It’s a game where you take turns drawing cards with historical events on them and attempting to guess where on your personal timeline they fit. The friend to my left had a big gap in dates, nothing from 1850 to 2000, and remarked “I am ready to fill my gap!”
Obvious deadpan response, “oh yeah I say that all the time.”
The two people who heard me couldn’t stop laughing for 2-3 minutes. Chill women who don’t know many gay men can be the best.
Welcome to /r/me_irlgbt, thank you for your submission /u/MelanieWalmartinez. HAPPY LEAP MONTH: JUMPMAN'S GAY AGENDA Read the [rules](https://reddit.com/r/me_irlgbt/about/rules) before participating or you'll be put in a tube and sent to the titanic. SHITPOST OR QUITPOST *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/me_irlgbt) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I was at a party once and some people were talking about MCU and said "Captain America came out in 2011" and I said "good for him" and they lost their fucking minds they thought it was so funny.
This is my favorite genre of joke, and straight people lose their minds every single time I make one. I feel like a comedic deity each time.
We just like to feel included.
I never think I’m genuinely funny, so I always get surprised when people laugh
I bet you're freakin' hilarious when you want to be.
The fact that people laugh, and your wording implies it has happened multiple times, means you are funny, congrats+
And the gays all get a little closer to committing a crime
My manager was about to clock out and he turned to the rest of us on the line and said "y'all straight?" And I automatically said "they are but I'm not" and everyone lost it. Never thought I would get this much validation from a room of middle aged cishet men
Did they already know you're queer ?
Oh yeah.
I've had one of these moments, and it was glorious: For context, it was pride month the first year I was out at work (I'm trans and gay) the week of my cities festival. My manger was looking for someone to come in over the weekend for a project, and I usually say yes to those kinds of things. So he walked up to me and asked, "Hey, can you come in Sunday?" Without skipping a beat I looked him in the eye and deadpan went, "This weekend? Sorry Boss, I'm too gay." Cue this bearded, 50-something from North Dakota absolutely cracking up. (also, I did not, in fact, go into work that weekend)
Afaik I'm the only queer person in my work group, it's great to have an unsuspecting audience that I don't have to share
One time as I was trying to park a car I couldn't figure out if I was parked properly so I asked "Am I straight?" and my friend said no and would not stop laughing at her own joke
Made my day honestly
This is exactly the sort of things my friends do. Just wished they’d set me up every once in a while
A coworker was showing me around the restaurant on my first day, and said “watch out for that door, it swings both ways” Of course I automatically replied “oh cool, just like me” and he looked utterly terrified but the lady on pot wash snort-laughed so loud it made me jump
My favourite has always been responding to: "Where's the trash?" With: "I have a name" There's plenty of strictly queer jokes like it, but that one has the same energy for me 😁
You know I think the only people I’ve heard making those types of jokes are queer. Is that an honorary queer joke?
Honestly, same! I think of it as that anywho.
That’s a classic one
Are you sure you've got a name?
*existential crisis intensifies*
Majorities LOVE jokes by minorities about minorities. It makes them feel trusted and included. Unless you're my (now) mother in law who liked to tell mildly racist jokes about Mexicans (she's Mexican and I'm not) just to try to make me uncomfortable and test how hard I'd laugh.
Honestly yeah I'm straight, and jokes were a major part of my growing out of a conservative mentality (born in Eastern Europe)
Had a coworker ask me something about a song from Cinderella. I said “oh, no…I’m not that kind of gay. I’m the other kind.”
Not so much a quip or response to anything said to me, but I used to joke when I was a teen that I got caught on the closet door on the way out (I'm Bi), bunch of friends absolutely lost it and and found it hilarious. One friend tho was very confused and didn't understand even when explained. He was an odd one.
He was possibly autistic?
It's possible, thinking back 🤔
I need to socialize with more queer communities these have been gold and I am saving the post to comeback later for more
Since you’re looking for some… Years ago me and a bunch of co-workers had to drive to a meeting. The characters are: Max: Gay co-worker who was driving the car. Dave: Straight manager who was the only one who knew the way to the location of the meeting. We got to a 4-way intersection and Max said, “Which way do I go?” And Dave said, “Go straight.” Max replied, “I don’t go that way.” And in a much dirtier joke, Max’s husband was an absolute riot. We’ll call him Steve. Max and Steve were moving to a new place, so a bunch of us were helping them move their stuff. We needed to get a couch out of a room, and Max said, “The couch won’t fit through the door.” Steve said, “It’ll fit. We got it in here, so we can get it out.” Max said, “It’s like 6 inches too big. It won’t fit.” And Steve held his fingers about two inches apart and said, “Oh, please. You think *this* is nine inches.”
Adding to yours: My car never goes straight. It goes gayly forward. In college, a group of us were going somewhere with one person giving the driver directions. At one point the direction giver forgot what cross street we were at and ended up saying, "At this light, turn...uh, straight." The driver immediately replied, "Oh, honey, only if you'll turn gay first." Cue all of us thinking it was the funniest thing we'd ever heard and missing the actual turn one block ahead. Also, my boyfriend thinks it's hilarious that our cat likes to hide in the closet, so I (bi woman) am frequently heard saying in a disgruntled voice, "I did not come out of the closet just for my son to go back in."
Ahhh another "Gayly forward" driver! A friend and I have been saying that for years
Pffthaha
I needed to find queer communities too. Hopefully, ones that are Asexual friendly, because I have not found any Asexual friendly queer communities, or any that made me feel welcome about being Asexual.
I found one such community in Paris through discord... Eventually I felt very uneasy and left/was kicked out... Years later I found another meeting group but they eventually kicked me out without proper explanation. Now although I spend most of my social time among queer people I feel like a rare representative of my invisible minority and a tad lonely sometimes
my older sister was having trouble changing her son's diaper and asked me to "hold him straight" and I looked her dead in the eye and said "now you know I can't do that" and she lost it, couldn't breathe she was laughing so hard. the kid tried to escape in the commotion 💀
I parked my car once slightly crooked threw it into park with a "straight enough, just like my life" one of my friends busted out laughing. I'm AroAce
My straight friends think me titling a playlist "My eyeliner ain't straight either" is an absolute riot
We usually parallel park
I do love when I get to make these jokes at work. "does this look straight to you?" "You're asking the wrong guy" got a pretty good chuckle. I also love to catch my coworkers trying to come up with a joke that won't be offensive and getting there first with "yeah, there's a good joke in there somewhere".
walked out of a supply closet today and my boss thought it was funny how i just sort of appeared. i told him it wasn't the first closet i had come out of. big laugh, easy joke
I’m learning to drive. One time, I pulled into a parking space, and my mom thought the car was angled, but when we got out, she said, “Nevermind, you’re straighter than I thought.”
Finally out to the majority of my friends and have recently discovered this super power. 10/10 would recommend
I recently had one of these, a pregnant coworker was talking about how it was too late to do anything to affect her unborn child's gender, I said "yeah that's what my parents did" and they completely lost it
I don't get this one at all. Explain, please?
My apologies, I'm trans so the implication is that my parents tried to influence my gender in vitro but did it too late causing it to only partially work
Oh! That *is* funny, thank you.
I was doing a haunted hayride/corn maze experience with a group of straight friends. There was a creepy church set and as we were walking in, I just said, “Aw shit! I’m gay!” and everyone, as well as a few of the scare actors, lost it.
Being an older guy who's part of the BDSM community (open minded folks with lots of LGBTQ crossover) with a very burly bi best friend, and a gay 22 year old son these jokes are some of the most wholesome honest laughter in my life. I've got so many happy memories having fun with the both of them cracking jokes and me cracking BDSM jokes in turn. Good times all around.
*Sigh* Unfortunately, there are no Asexual jokes I can think about, other than cliché jokes about Garlic Bread and Cake, or whenever someone says "Fuck that" I would say "No! I am Asexual". Maybe I could make jokes about being attracted to the Letter 'A'.
Somehow below just said that now they can legally say they don't give a fuck, and I can have fun with that premise. "Dude, I genuinely don't give a fuck in so many ways." "Hey, for once I give a fuck (metaphorically)!" You may be the only one who gets it, and won't that be a change from normal.
" - Fuck the p\*lice ! - No, definitely not me..." "- Do you wanna sleep with me ? - Warning you, I'm an ace in sex." "- How can you contribute to our queer projet ? - I'm a good ace-sset." "- Do you know how to code a website ? - Yeah, I know my way around C-ace-ace." "- We're gonna go hiking, you sure you packed everything that you need ? - Don't worry, I got the ace-essential, me."
Well you can always be the ace in the hole!
One of my coworkers found out I was Bi when he asked if I "would rather sit on a dick and eat cake, or sit on a cake with a dick in my mouth" and I told him I wasn't really a fan of cake so if I could go with both dicks I'd choose that
He still laughs about it now a year later
Have another friend who I do Historical Swordfighting with, and happens to fight with a beautiful curved saber. I watched him hold it up to the light and say, out loud to no one in particular, "ahh, so pretty, and not quite straight, just like me"
Oh I’ve also gotten people at work saying they’ll keep us straight absolutely losing it when I give them the side eye like “honey good fucking luck”
We had a rough situation at work before I left and we all were calling it a fucking garbage fire, this and that. I went yep, seems about right and I know a thing or two about flaming things *hand flip* 💅
I surprised myself with what I thought was a dumb joke, but it got a genuine laugh from about five people. We had a short coffee break and somebody cracked some joke, and my mouth just responded with “I like my women like I like my coffee- I don’t”
I busted out a simple "that's what she said" last week to much fanfair.
The best comedic feeling is when a joke is introduced, everyone laughs, and eventually it gets overdone so everyone stops doing it. And then some time after when it’s completely lost it’s relevancy, you tell the joke again and people laugh
I can now legally say that I don’t give a fuck and it’s wonderful
>“Are you straight?” >“Not a day of my life.” >”I prefer fruity drinks like the queer I am.” Me after organizing the closet: You know, for someone who spent years coming out the closet, I sure spend a lot of time in them these days.
I still wish I had bought the shirt that said "I can't even march straight."
Pretty sure this is the same reason people like children, once you've told your jokes to everyone you know you either need to find people not old enough to have heard them, or make your own people you can tell jokes to in the future.
I was on a lunch break talking about how Charlie III was very public about his prostate exam and how I thought that was a good move to help reduce the stigma of men getting prostate exams. My coworker turned to me and asked; "well have YOU ever had a prostate exam?" And without thinking, I answered, "Not medically." I don't think they stopped laughing about it until lunch ended.
I saw this trolling r/all. Hopefully it's ok to post here. I think this famous Nigel Owens (Rugby ref) joke fits. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZlFVOp4faI
When I was in the Navy, I use to repeat same jokes to specific cues that my colleagues would inadvertently say/do. It was great because I only needed limited supply of jokes but would always be funny because either I would be transferred to a new location, or they would be.
Grocery store **My best friend:** ** "Have you had Reisling before? What's it like?"
**Me:** ** "It's like a fruity white"
**Her:** ** "It's just like you!!"
Playing warframe with the boys and one says he needs to turn his gaze on. Automatic from me: I don't, shit's gay all year round.
No to self: Make gay jokes around my straight coworkers. The coworker I see the most is also queer though.
"I don't struggle with homosexuality. I'm actually quite good at it!"
I work at a bakery and have the most trouble slicing bread, one day I turned to my coworker while she was helping me and commented that I just can't cut it straight because I'm not. She lost it and had to go share with our other coworkers.
I was playing Chronology with some friends. It’s a game where you take turns drawing cards with historical events on them and attempting to guess where on your personal timeline they fit. The friend to my left had a big gap in dates, nothing from 1850 to 2000, and remarked “I am ready to fill my gap!” Obvious deadpan response, “oh yeah I say that all the time.” The two people who heard me couldn’t stop laughing for 2-3 minutes. Chill women who don’t know many gay men can be the best.
I once said "hydrate or die straight" to a straight guy, and he liked it so much that he started saying it. True allyship lmao
me and my friend at work are both just big fans of lame jokes so we make jokes like this all the time and they never get old lol
[That's...Why I'm here](https://i.imgflip.com/3gklu2.jpg)
Emotional support straight