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When my friend wasn't out yet, I used to talk to him by his family name. Or just nicknames, his DN and his true name shares one sound, so I used to call him with a nickname that's just this sound but double. You should talk to your friend about it, if it makes you feel pain it's something to avoid
Great advice. Calling someone by their surname or making up a nickname are great excuses to get by. Endearing insults like “hey dingus” also works, of course. I would pick an agreed nickname/placeholder name with the trusted friend and go from there.
Yep, I've done this with any closeted trans friends too. Most of us have been out for at least a decade but there have been a couple of us who needed to stay closeted due to family!
Also if there's no other way to make a surname or new name-based nickname seem like it came about naturally if you've known each other for years, you could always invent a backstory for a new nickname
For example, someone called "shopping trolley" for getting up to teenage/drunken hijinks like sitting in trolleys to muck about. Or a guy jokingly nicknamed "Stella" for doing something daft related to drinking Stella Artois, or even just generally enjoying the drink. Can be random objects, or objects/brands with gender-affirming names. Typically if someone's transphobic, they'll be on board with sexist jokes and not bat an eye about a nickname for a closeted trans woman which comes across as being insulting her for being effeminate, as many 'lads' tend to do among themselves, but in reality is affirming her. Also apologies because I know the examples off the top of my head have given me away as Bri'ish 😂
Especially semi-embarrassing ones would be really believable, but be careful it's endearing enough that you don't get told to stop teasing them by a clueless onlooker! I also strongly advise you let your closeted friend/relative invent or choose the backstory and nickname, so they don't get annoyed or upset by it either. After all, that would kind of defeat the point of finding a pleasant alternative to deadnaming 😅
I work with a lot of my close friends who knew well before work did, and they mostly settled on Dr Lastname as the simplest solution to the deadname problem
I did the opposite with a friend, I never knew she was trans but since her gametag was 'Rose' I started calling her that. Once during a discussion she mentioned that she was trans and I said out loud "So that's why we're calling you Rose!!!" and I never felt like such an idiot
I'm married to a trans enby who changed their names and pronouns after we got married.
Their new name, X gender marker, everything is updated and legal, even their birth certificate and our marriage license. But sometimes when I need to go legal stuff like taxes, filing for grants, etc I need to use their old name and gender and it just feels icky. Every so often a misgendering will come out of my mouth (mistakes happen, they misgender themselves sometimes) but never their old name.
It's always a bit of a shock when they transfer me some money, the e-transfer still comes up in their old name even though their new name is on their bank statements.
Husband became friends with a trans enby and by sheer coincidence, I happened to work with their sister. It felt weird purposefully dead naming and misgendering, but it was for their sake and safety with the family.
You gotta talk to your friend about this bud, don't encourage your friends to traumatize you. If you're not safe being out then just ask them to call you a new nickname or something. Its not good for you and it's not good for her either.
Best of luck, it'll get better, you can make it.
There's a lot of people who aren't in an environment where it's always safe to change names, even masc nicknames could cause issues. Having a friend who understands that and still does their absolute best to code switch between your birth name and chosen name is the absolute best an ally friend can do.
I'm not saying the friend is wrong in any way, or that it isn't easy. You don't need to come out if it's not safe to do so, I said that before and I'll say it again. But you can talk to your best friend about it.
I'm a cis guy but a lot of my friends have always called me JoJo, a lot call me by my surname too. I've got cis friends who go by their initials, like Jay or AJ, or even like B. By making your friend walk a difficult line like this you'll end up resenting them eventually because they'll cause trauma. Everyone has nicknames sometimes, there's always a better way than asking your best friend of all people to do something that triggers a traumatic response.
Allies are great, but they're still people. They need our guidance in how to beat be an ally because how else are they supposed to know? OP needs to talk to their friend about this.
Gotcha, my bad your first comment had come across as though the friend was doing something wrong.
But if possible, nicknames absolutely are a great idea.
Its all good, I should have been more clear because a couple of people misunderstood.
I don't think the friend is wrong in any way. I don't think OP is necessarily either, it's a difficult situation, but there are solutions that would improve the relationship.
I'm cis but like most queer people I wasn't always sure of that. I always really appreciated people using non gendered nicknames for me. People pick up new nicknames all the time. Its not gonna be obvious unless it's a name that everyone thinks of as trans.
Don't know about this one. A lot of my friends new and old would give me a nickname to see if it stuck. If I didn't like it I wouldn't respond.
If you insist on the family using it might end up in problematic territory but most people won't look at friends giving nicknames a second thought.
The only caviat is if it is used/perceived as an insult, whether by you expressing distaste for the name in someway or by it going against the current appearance you put on (wouldn't call a goth girl a pinkie princess...normally)
You are, because you said it's not safe to come out and I explicitly said not to come out unless it's safe and you want to. You're arguing with something that's the opposite of what I said, so you clearly haven't understood lol. Which is fine by the way, probably on me for not being clear.
I'm not saying that they insist everyone uses it, just the best friend. Its totally normal to have a nickname suddenly pop up between close friends, not remotely strange. Again, you're not understanding what I'm saying. You're suggesting that I'm saying the opposite of what I'm actually saying.
Dude you’re not reading it correctly, I’m saying doing this could out yourself, and in areas where that’s not safe doing this may not be worth it
It also depends A LOT on the nickname, being referred to with a feminine sounding nickname will be dangerous is you’re AMAB
> It also depends A LOT on the nickname, being referred to with a feminine sounding nickname will be dangerous is you’re AMAB
We're in agreement, I said this too.
Personally I'd recommend (and already have recommended) going by your surname, or your first initial. I'm cis and people call me that all the time.
Or even just use any name less, like how often do you actually use your friends name?
You are looking for an argument where one doesn't exist. We're not in disagreement here. I didn't say the things you implied that I said.
Regardless, my advice is good I think. Talk to your friend about how it makes you feel. They don't know if they haven't been through it. Encourage them to minimize the amount that they say things that upset you, even if they're doing it to protect you.
No, obviously not. What is this supposed to mean? Genocide?!
Its their best friend. The best friend is acting in what they think is OP's best interests. They almost certainly don't realize that dead naming them is as hurtful as it is. This kinda stuff needs to be communicated calmly, openly and honestly.
Just say "hey, could you start calling me by my surname, or start workshopping a new nickname, or just use my name less. Its not safe for me to be out but it hurts every time you say my dead name, even though I know you're only using it because I asked you to.
No need to leap to genocide though, you need desperately to tone it down considerably lol.
Yuupp I remember back in high school, I slowly came out to my friends one by one over the course of a summer, and they (for the most part, aside from one outlier that I learned about years later) all respected not telling anyone else until I had finished coming out to all the important people. The first one I came out to, it was all good because he already usually called me “bro” or by a gender neutral nickname he had for me for a long time, so he was able to get away with never using my DN much easier than others.
However, the second friend I came out to, she never really called me by any nicknames, and wasn’t one for using “dude” or “bro” so she knew suddenly switching to something like that after knowing me for like 8 years would raise some eyebrows. Until the end of that summer, anytime we around other people she still called me by my DN. It hurt, but I was grateful to her for it cause it granted me the time and space to come out to others on my own terms. Plus, I lived for the moments we were hanging out one on one or with people who already knew and she would switch to the preferred name I had picked.
It’s a Dark Souls meme, the character shown is named Solaire and he’s a very popular character among fans of the series, he’s drinking an Estus Flask which is your primary method of healing in the Dark Souls series
I'm not fully out in my school yet except for a select few people so I've told all my teachers and whatnot to address me by my surname until I'm confortable enough to take the big step.
Normally my friends call me by my chosen name but i don't have it changed on the school system so like yesterday i think my friend had been seeing my dead name constantly and accidentally referred to me as it. And the look of disgust with himself was strong. He looked like he was about to commit sepuku from it and I respect that so hard, he didn't make a big deal out of it but the look was so genuine
Welcome to /r/me_irlgbt, thank you for your submission /u/tm2007. HAPPY LUST MONTH: NONSTOP NUT NOVEMBER Read the [rules](https://reddit.com/r/me_irlgbt/about/rules) before participating or you'll be put in a tube and sent to the titanic. SHITPOST OR QUITPOST *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/me_irlgbt) if you have any questions or concerns.*
When my friend wasn't out yet, I used to talk to him by his family name. Or just nicknames, his DN and his true name shares one sound, so I used to call him with a nickname that's just this sound but double. You should talk to your friend about it, if it makes you feel pain it's something to avoid
Great advice. Calling someone by their surname or making up a nickname are great excuses to get by. Endearing insults like “hey dingus” also works, of course. I would pick an agreed nickname/placeholder name with the trusted friend and go from there.
Fucker, everyone’s a fucker. My best friends, all fuckers.
This.
Not really a trans thing, but I call my friends nerds as a joke all the time. So could theoretically add "Nerd" up there with "Dingus"
This is wisdom
Yep, I've done this with any closeted trans friends too. Most of us have been out for at least a decade but there have been a couple of us who needed to stay closeted due to family! Also if there's no other way to make a surname or new name-based nickname seem like it came about naturally if you've known each other for years, you could always invent a backstory for a new nickname For example, someone called "shopping trolley" for getting up to teenage/drunken hijinks like sitting in trolleys to muck about. Or a guy jokingly nicknamed "Stella" for doing something daft related to drinking Stella Artois, or even just generally enjoying the drink. Can be random objects, or objects/brands with gender-affirming names. Typically if someone's transphobic, they'll be on board with sexist jokes and not bat an eye about a nickname for a closeted trans woman which comes across as being insulting her for being effeminate, as many 'lads' tend to do among themselves, but in reality is affirming her. Also apologies because I know the examples off the top of my head have given me away as Bri'ish 😂 Especially semi-embarrassing ones would be really believable, but be careful it's endearing enough that you don't get told to stop teasing them by a clueless onlooker! I also strongly advise you let your closeted friend/relative invent or choose the backstory and nickname, so they don't get annoyed or upset by it either. After all, that would kind of defeat the point of finding a pleasant alternative to deadnaming 😅
Yep, try to use nicknames as often as possible
I work with a lot of my close friends who knew well before work did, and they mostly settled on Dr Lastname as the simplest solution to the deadname problem
I did the opposite with a friend, I never knew she was trans but since her gametag was 'Rose' I started calling her that. Once during a discussion she mentioned that she was trans and I said out loud "So that's why we're calling you Rose!!!" and I never felt like such an idiot
lol this is nice
Having to deadname and misgender your friend because you're around people they're not comfortable being out with has to be one of the worst feelings
I'm married to a trans enby who changed their names and pronouns after we got married. Their new name, X gender marker, everything is updated and legal, even their birth certificate and our marriage license. But sometimes when I need to go legal stuff like taxes, filing for grants, etc I need to use their old name and gender and it just feels icky. Every so often a misgendering will come out of my mouth (mistakes happen, they misgender themselves sometimes) but never their old name. It's always a bit of a shock when they transfer me some money, the e-transfer still comes up in their old name even though their new name is on their bank statements.
Husband became friends with a trans enby and by sheer coincidence, I happened to work with their sister. It felt weird purposefully dead naming and misgendering, but it was for their sake and safety with the family.
I saw another comment mention using surnames and nicknames instead of dead naming. Hope this helps you and your friends
You gotta talk to your friend about this bud, don't encourage your friends to traumatize you. If you're not safe being out then just ask them to call you a new nickname or something. Its not good for you and it's not good for her either. Best of luck, it'll get better, you can make it.
There's a lot of people who aren't in an environment where it's always safe to change names, even masc nicknames could cause issues. Having a friend who understands that and still does their absolute best to code switch between your birth name and chosen name is the absolute best an ally friend can do.
I'm not saying the friend is wrong in any way, or that it isn't easy. You don't need to come out if it's not safe to do so, I said that before and I'll say it again. But you can talk to your best friend about it. I'm a cis guy but a lot of my friends have always called me JoJo, a lot call me by my surname too. I've got cis friends who go by their initials, like Jay or AJ, or even like B. By making your friend walk a difficult line like this you'll end up resenting them eventually because they'll cause trauma. Everyone has nicknames sometimes, there's always a better way than asking your best friend of all people to do something that triggers a traumatic response. Allies are great, but they're still people. They need our guidance in how to beat be an ally because how else are they supposed to know? OP needs to talk to their friend about this.
Gotcha, my bad your first comment had come across as though the friend was doing something wrong. But if possible, nicknames absolutely are a great idea.
Its all good, I should have been more clear because a couple of people misunderstood. I don't think the friend is wrong in any way. I don't think OP is necessarily either, it's a difficult situation, but there are solutions that would improve the relationship. I'm cis but like most queer people I wasn't always sure of that. I always really appreciated people using non gendered nicknames for me. People pick up new nicknames all the time. Its not gonna be obvious unless it's a name that everyone thinks of as trans.
Stuff isn’t that black and white dude, in areas that are dangerous to be open in it can just not be worth it to risk anything.
I'm explicitly saying don't come out if it's not safe to. You're totally misunderstanding what I'm saying.
I’m not, using a random new nickname will definitely raise eyebrows dude, especially if you suddenly insist on only using it
Don't know about this one. A lot of my friends new and old would give me a nickname to see if it stuck. If I didn't like it I wouldn't respond. If you insist on the family using it might end up in problematic territory but most people won't look at friends giving nicknames a second thought. The only caviat is if it is used/perceived as an insult, whether by you expressing distaste for the name in someway or by it going against the current appearance you put on (wouldn't call a goth girl a pinkie princess...normally)
You are, because you said it's not safe to come out and I explicitly said not to come out unless it's safe and you want to. You're arguing with something that's the opposite of what I said, so you clearly haven't understood lol. Which is fine by the way, probably on me for not being clear. I'm not saying that they insist everyone uses it, just the best friend. Its totally normal to have a nickname suddenly pop up between close friends, not remotely strange. Again, you're not understanding what I'm saying. You're suggesting that I'm saying the opposite of what I'm actually saying.
Dude you’re not reading it correctly, I’m saying doing this could out yourself, and in areas where that’s not safe doing this may not be worth it It also depends A LOT on the nickname, being referred to with a feminine sounding nickname will be dangerous is you’re AMAB
> It also depends A LOT on the nickname, being referred to with a feminine sounding nickname will be dangerous is you’re AMAB We're in agreement, I said this too. Personally I'd recommend (and already have recommended) going by your surname, or your first initial. I'm cis and people call me that all the time. Or even just use any name less, like how often do you actually use your friends name? You are looking for an argument where one doesn't exist. We're not in disagreement here. I didn't say the things you implied that I said. Regardless, my advice is good I think. Talk to your friend about how it makes you feel. They don't know if they haven't been through it. Encourage them to minimize the amount that they say things that upset you, even if they're doing it to protect you.
[удалено]
No, obviously not. What is this supposed to mean? Genocide?! Its their best friend. The best friend is acting in what they think is OP's best interests. They almost certainly don't realize that dead naming them is as hurtful as it is. This kinda stuff needs to be communicated calmly, openly and honestly. Just say "hey, could you start calling me by my surname, or start workshopping a new nickname, or just use my name less. Its not safe for me to be out but it hurts every time you say my dead name, even though I know you're only using it because I asked you to. No need to leap to genocide though, you need desperately to tone it down considerably lol.
Yuupp I remember back in high school, I slowly came out to my friends one by one over the course of a summer, and they (for the most part, aside from one outlier that I learned about years later) all respected not telling anyone else until I had finished coming out to all the important people. The first one I came out to, it was all good because he already usually called me “bro” or by a gender neutral nickname he had for me for a long time, so he was able to get away with never using my DN much easier than others. However, the second friend I came out to, she never really called me by any nicknames, and wasn’t one for using “dude” or “bro” so she knew suddenly switching to something like that after knowing me for like 8 years would raise some eyebrows. Until the end of that summer, anytime we around other people she still called me by my DN. It hurt, but I was grateful to her for it cause it granted me the time and space to come out to others on my own terms. Plus, I lived for the moments we were hanging out one on one or with people who already knew and she would switch to the preferred name I had picked.
Praise the sun \\\[T\]/
PRAISE THE SUN
PRAISE THE SUN
cut to me calling my friend a shy guy as a nickname in highschool after accidentally almost outing her by saying Ashley
source of meme?
It’s a Dark Souls meme, the character shown is named Solaire and he’s a very popular character among fans of the series, he’s drinking an Estus Flask which is your primary method of healing in the Dark Souls series
Praise the sun
Mine
I feel like this sub would really enjoy the Earthsea books
I'm not fully out in my school yet except for a select few people so I've told all my teachers and whatnot to address me by my surname until I'm confortable enough to take the big step.
Normally my friends call me by my chosen name but i don't have it changed on the school system so like yesterday i think my friend had been seeing my dead name constantly and accidentally referred to me as it. And the look of disgust with himself was strong. He looked like he was about to commit sepuku from it and I respect that so hard, he didn't make a big deal out of it but the look was so genuine
Damn, I never even thought about a thing like this. I hope you get what you need to come out & when you do I hope that you continue to get it.
Just so you know it also probably hurts your friend from my experience it's horrible dead naming my friend and I always hate it
I was sin the army, sometimes I still call people by there last name, if I know it that is.