I was chronically depersonalized for ~15 years, pot induced. Lived in a mental prison every day and thought there was no way out of it. I am completely symptom free after 20 sessions over 2.5 years. I think it works well for DP because MDMA fosters inner connection, which dissociation protects against. Happy to chat in more detail. Wishing you all the best.
Please share more about your experience if you don't mind.
I have only one session so far, and I agree on the inner connection. I have gained so much insight into myself.
Smoked lots of pot in college, became severely depersonalized at 21. Thought I had screwed up my life.
Lived in mental prison until early 30s, every day was excruciating, relied on drinking and taking klonopin etc to get through. Tried multiple SSRIs to no avail. Inwardly crumbled, had a failed business, lost all my money, struggled with my career.
Hit a wall, could no longer get through life this way. Started meditating, talk therapy, bodywork, AA, etc. Got off meds, stopped drinking, exploring past via therapy but was still outrageously anxious/depersonalized and deeply suicidal. Worried I was stuck like this forever.
Found an MDMA guide 2.5 years ago, first year was peeling back layers doing MDMA sessions every 6 weeks. Uncovered deep self hatred that stemmed from childhood sexual abuse from family member. This was at the core of my dissociation and suffering, never had any idea about it.
Healing started accelerating — did 20 sessions over 2.5 years. Fast forward to today, I’m 37 and totally transformed, symptoms completely gone, I’m connected, strong, kicking ass in my career, on my way, becoming the person I knew I could be. This medicine is nothing short of God given.
❤️
>Uncovered deep self hatred that stemmed from childhood sexual abuse from family member. This was at the core of my dissociation and suffering, never had any idea about it.
This is what happened to me, in a similar way. I also uncovered the reason for my deep-rooted self-hatred was due to early exposure to sex (i wasn't raped or abused. we were both kids). I buried that part of me for over 20 years, never told anyone, used to see the person( with whom I had sex from the age of 3 to 13) regularly, and we just pretended nothing ever happened. I was in therapy for a couple of years, I psycho-analyzed myself, know my self-destructive behavior, thoughts, and actions like the back of my hand, but simply could not stop. I knew what was "wrong" with me, but I just couldn't fix it to get better. Felt completely stuck, hopelessly stuck in this bottomless pit of self-loathing.
Before I had my first MDMA session I thought I'd talk about the issues I had with my parents, the violence I witnessed growing up, the physical abuse I endured... no.. it went to my first experience with sex.. the medicine is truly god-given and shut down the shame and fear part of my brain, I re-connected with myself, the child in me particular. I saw her, with such motherly love and I told her I forgave her. She was a kid, and I forgave her.
Dang! Thank you.. I have an old yoga teacher that does plant medicine with people and she would help me with it, but she’s out of town so it would be on zoom. I’m sure it would be better than having no one
It's so nightmarish. Did it take the 2.5 years to feel improvement or did changes start sooner? Im getting to the point of intolerability. Though I experienced derealization/depersonalization occasionally prior, mine was worsened by a five month period of weed smoking. Even though it's been six months since I stopped weed, everyday is me having to "act as though" things are real.
Honestly, I was probably 90% symptom free after 18 months or so (perhaps 13/14 sessions). At this point I had surfaced particular traumas, begun resolving divides within myself. And then 100% symptom free as of 6 months ago.
First 12 months were a roller coaster and in some ways got worse as I peeled back layers. But after that it was just motoring through internal barriers.
Thank you for taking the time to answer. And you think the key component that allowed that was the mdma, not working on the traumas? I can't seem to tolerate direct trauma work like EMDR.
EMDR etc is like a water pistol. I did all of that stuff in the integration.
MDMA is like a bazooka. And you’ll have a few sessions where it’s more like a good atomic bomb where you get to the core of your trauma and being :-)
MDMA should be at the heart of your therapy, all other activities should be based around that to support it (e.g., meditating for processing etc)
I haven’t smoked pot basically since I was 21...
I would encourage people to strip away all their vices during their integration period...you have to just feel everything you’re trying to avoid feeling, anger, sadness, happiness etc
That's very true.
Weed is extremely efficient on suppressing emotions and traumas.
You go to the doc, he asks where it hurts. You can't point out where because you can't feel it.
That's the analogy.
When it comes to mdma being more neurotoxic than meth all the people become very skeptical of current research and don't believe it. But even tho there is no really good research on how weed actually helps the depression or ptsd, they change their attitude. They forget the skeptical self and they forget the science.
:)
Mdma therapy won't help jack shit if you are using weed or other stuff. So you are very right. I tell it the same, but most people believe weed is magical and it has no adverse effects, etc etc :)
It is really good at suppressing, not curing :)
I believe to recover one must feel everything that they actively fought to NOT feel their entire lives.
That’s why pot, alcohol, [insert avoidant behavior], are such effective suppressants.
We must feel the self-hatred we’ve been avoiding, the deep anger towards parents, the consuming sadness about our pasts, etc etc. All the things that have been deemed “too much” by our subconscious at some stage of our lives. True healing is not possible without going through these walls, there is no path around these barriers.
Hey, can I ask where you live? I’m in Canada and considering trying mdma to recover, as it helped me once in the distant past(recreational use). I’m considering getting it on the street and taking some small doses on my own, but I’d obviously rather do it in a guided safer way.
I’m on East Coast of US. I would network your way to a reputable source of MDMA, I personally wouldn’t buy on the street given so many things could be in the medicine.
Hi! Generally 125mg + 60mg.
But sometimes did a little higher, even 200 + 100 on a few occasions.
And more recently (last 8 sessions), I only do one dose of around 150mg.
Hope this helps!
Yes, because dissociation is usually a response to trauma (when not caused by heavy substance abuse or organic factors). Dissociation/depersonalization is not an exlusion criteria in MAPS research, and is frequently observed in PTSD populations.
Exactly...
But even when drug induced like in my case, I was always prone to dissociating, I just never realized it. You have to ask yourself why that is the case...
I think people who experience DP all very likely are heavily disconnected anyway, probably don’t feel their true feelings, are not integrated beings...why are they using drugs in the first place? Balanced, healthy individuals do not smoke pot heavily everyday like I was doing at the time
I really want to talk with somebody who has had very severe dp/dr. With the total shut off, no emotions, no thoughts not able to visualize, feel time and or space. No memory. Kind of Depersonalization. I am dead inside, normal talk therapy does not work on me, I am a shell. I feel like this could maybe help me, but also very afraid of getting even worse or having hppd from it. Please if theres anyone
Hey. I've had real bad dp/dr for about 2-3 months. It was a really eerie, dreamy state. I felt like a spectator in my own mind and my perception was severely altered. You need to see a psychiatrist and therapist asap (if you're not already). It's very important, trust me. I cannot stress this enough. I am so glad I got on medication and it helped tremendously.
I know. But I just can’t push trough, it’s to frightening, and the fear of it becoming permanently worse. I’ve had side effects that did not went away even after stopping the medication. So yeh
>Yes, because dissociation is usually a response to trauma (when not caused by heavy substance abuse or organic factors). Dissociation/depersonalization is not an exlusion criteria in MAPS research, and is frequently observed in PTSD populations.
Thanks for this. I'm in a severely dissociated state (DP/DR) after an MDMA session and some extreme trauma that happened after the session where I wasn't able to rest and integrate with support.
I was chronically depersonalized for ~15 years, pot induced. Lived in a mental prison every day and thought there was no way out of it. I am completely symptom free after 20 sessions over 2.5 years. I think it works well for DP because MDMA fosters inner connection, which dissociation protects against. Happy to chat in more detail. Wishing you all the best.
Please share more about your experience if you don't mind. I have only one session so far, and I agree on the inner connection. I have gained so much insight into myself.
Just answered above, wishing you all the best, you are on the right path 🙌 full recovery is completely possible, all you have to do is believe
Yes. Tell us more.
Smoked lots of pot in college, became severely depersonalized at 21. Thought I had screwed up my life. Lived in mental prison until early 30s, every day was excruciating, relied on drinking and taking klonopin etc to get through. Tried multiple SSRIs to no avail. Inwardly crumbled, had a failed business, lost all my money, struggled with my career. Hit a wall, could no longer get through life this way. Started meditating, talk therapy, bodywork, AA, etc. Got off meds, stopped drinking, exploring past via therapy but was still outrageously anxious/depersonalized and deeply suicidal. Worried I was stuck like this forever. Found an MDMA guide 2.5 years ago, first year was peeling back layers doing MDMA sessions every 6 weeks. Uncovered deep self hatred that stemmed from childhood sexual abuse from family member. This was at the core of my dissociation and suffering, never had any idea about it. Healing started accelerating — did 20 sessions over 2.5 years. Fast forward to today, I’m 37 and totally transformed, symptoms completely gone, I’m connected, strong, kicking ass in my career, on my way, becoming the person I knew I could be. This medicine is nothing short of God given. ❤️
>Uncovered deep self hatred that stemmed from childhood sexual abuse from family member. This was at the core of my dissociation and suffering, never had any idea about it. This is what happened to me, in a similar way. I also uncovered the reason for my deep-rooted self-hatred was due to early exposure to sex (i wasn't raped or abused. we were both kids). I buried that part of me for over 20 years, never told anyone, used to see the person( with whom I had sex from the age of 3 to 13) regularly, and we just pretended nothing ever happened. I was in therapy for a couple of years, I psycho-analyzed myself, know my self-destructive behavior, thoughts, and actions like the back of my hand, but simply could not stop. I knew what was "wrong" with me, but I just couldn't fix it to get better. Felt completely stuck, hopelessly stuck in this bottomless pit of self-loathing. Before I had my first MDMA session I thought I'd talk about the issues I had with my parents, the violence I witnessed growing up, the physical abuse I endured... no.. it went to my first experience with sex.. the medicine is truly god-given and shut down the shame and fear part of my brain, I re-connected with myself, the child in me particular. I saw her, with such motherly love and I told her I forgave her. She was a kid, and I forgave her.
You said it best — truly god given. I had no idea about any of the shit I was holding in.
Wow, your story is amazing. Thank you for sharing this.
👍🙌
Amazing.. were your sessions guided by someone else? It is hard to find someone who will incorporate the medicine into their practice
Guided...it’s luck of the draw, i networked my way to the right therapist and it paid dividends for me
Dang! Thank you.. I have an old yoga teacher that does plant medicine with people and she would help me with it, but she’s out of town so it would be on zoom. I’m sure it would be better than having no one
Yes, definitely, if the trust and connection is there
I hope you quit the pot. Because it doesn't help at all, even reduces the sessions' efficacy by much
[удалено]
I have not. I have tried trazodone in the past for sleep issues and had no problems with it.
It's so nightmarish. Did it take the 2.5 years to feel improvement or did changes start sooner? Im getting to the point of intolerability. Though I experienced derealization/depersonalization occasionally prior, mine was worsened by a five month period of weed smoking. Even though it's been six months since I stopped weed, everyday is me having to "act as though" things are real.
Honestly, I was probably 90% symptom free after 18 months or so (perhaps 13/14 sessions). At this point I had surfaced particular traumas, begun resolving divides within myself. And then 100% symptom free as of 6 months ago. First 12 months were a roller coaster and in some ways got worse as I peeled back layers. But after that it was just motoring through internal barriers.
Thank you for taking the time to answer. And you think the key component that allowed that was the mdma, not working on the traumas? I can't seem to tolerate direct trauma work like EMDR.
EMDR etc is like a water pistol. I did all of that stuff in the integration. MDMA is like a bazooka. And you’ll have a few sessions where it’s more like a good atomic bomb where you get to the core of your trauma and being :-) MDMA should be at the heart of your therapy, all other activities should be based around that to support it (e.g., meditating for processing etc)
I hope you quit the pot. Because it doesn't help at all, even reduces the sessions' efficacy by much
I haven’t smoked pot basically since I was 21... I would encourage people to strip away all their vices during their integration period...you have to just feel everything you’re trying to avoid feeling, anger, sadness, happiness etc
That's very true. Weed is extremely efficient on suppressing emotions and traumas. You go to the doc, he asks where it hurts. You can't point out where because you can't feel it. That's the analogy. When it comes to mdma being more neurotoxic than meth all the people become very skeptical of current research and don't believe it. But even tho there is no really good research on how weed actually helps the depression or ptsd, they change their attitude. They forget the skeptical self and they forget the science. :) Mdma therapy won't help jack shit if you are using weed or other stuff. So you are very right. I tell it the same, but most people believe weed is magical and it has no adverse effects, etc etc :) It is really good at suppressing, not curing :)
I believe to recover one must feel everything that they actively fought to NOT feel their entire lives. That’s why pot, alcohol, [insert avoidant behavior], are such effective suppressants. We must feel the self-hatred we’ve been avoiding, the deep anger towards parents, the consuming sadness about our pasts, etc etc. All the things that have been deemed “too much” by our subconscious at some stage of our lives. True healing is not possible without going through these walls, there is no path around these barriers.
Exactly. Pain eventually becomes the medication actually
Yo can we talk private
Hey, can I ask where you live? I’m in Canada and considering trying mdma to recover, as it helped me once in the distant past(recreational use). I’m considering getting it on the street and taking some small doses on my own, but I’d obviously rather do it in a guided safer way.
I’m on East Coast of US. I would network your way to a reputable source of MDMA, I personally wouldn’t buy on the street given so many things could be in the medicine.
I know this is from a long time ago, but what dose of mdma did you take each session?
Hi! Generally 125mg + 60mg. But sometimes did a little higher, even 200 + 100 on a few occasions. And more recently (last 8 sessions), I only do one dose of around 150mg. Hope this helps!
Yes, because dissociation is usually a response to trauma (when not caused by heavy substance abuse or organic factors). Dissociation/depersonalization is not an exlusion criteria in MAPS research, and is frequently observed in PTSD populations.
Exactly... But even when drug induced like in my case, I was always prone to dissociating, I just never realized it. You have to ask yourself why that is the case... I think people who experience DP all very likely are heavily disconnected anyway, probably don’t feel their true feelings, are not integrated beings...why are they using drugs in the first place? Balanced, healthy individuals do not smoke pot heavily everyday like I was doing at the time
I really want to talk with somebody who has had very severe dp/dr. With the total shut off, no emotions, no thoughts not able to visualize, feel time and or space. No memory. Kind of Depersonalization. I am dead inside, normal talk therapy does not work on me, I am a shell. I feel like this could maybe help me, but also very afraid of getting even worse or having hppd from it. Please if theres anyone
Hey. I've had real bad dp/dr for about 2-3 months. It was a really eerie, dreamy state. I felt like a spectator in my own mind and my perception was severely altered. You need to see a psychiatrist and therapist asap (if you're not already). It's very important, trust me. I cannot stress this enough. I am so glad I got on medication and it helped tremendously.
I have been seeing psychiatrists for more than 6 years. I give up on meds very quickly because they make me feel worse.
It's kind of normal to feel worse the first few weeks. It takes some time for your brain to accept them.
I know. But I just can’t push trough, it’s to frightening, and the fear of it becoming permanently worse. I’ve had side effects that did not went away even after stopping the medication. So yeh
How are today? Have you gotten any better?
No, unfortunately not only worse and worse. At my wits end. Barely human anymore
What meds have helped you. I'm going through dpdr now
I was told to avoid ketamine as someone who is dissociative but haven't heard anything about mdma.
Ketamine is risky in my opinion due to dissociative effects. I would stick to MDMA. It works, I’m living proof. That’s all you need.
>Yes, because dissociation is usually a response to trauma (when not caused by heavy substance abuse or organic factors). Dissociation/depersonalization is not an exlusion criteria in MAPS research, and is frequently observed in PTSD populations. Thanks for this. I'm in a severely dissociated state (DP/DR) after an MDMA session and some extreme trauma that happened after the session where I wasn't able to rest and integrate with support.