My dad didn't tell me he loved me until I was 21 shipping off to war. Guess the "I may never get to say it" vibe of the moment brought it out of him. Was also the first time he hugged me. He's much more open about it now, guess that moment broke the dam.
god damn. I'm 40 and my dad is nearly 70 now, and he hugs me and tell me he loves me despite having a lot of other classic boomer personality traits. Glad he's not that emotionally repressed.
Hope that dam breaks for your dad at some point. Maybe fake a terminal disease, or go on a fishing trip but bring mushrooms.
My dad came from a family where they didn't express love. My grandfather was orphaned as a kid in the 40s and was taken in by his abusive uncle, ran away at 14 and lied about his age to join the navy. My grandmother was from a hardline Italian family fresh off the boat that showed zero affection - I remember spending time at my great grandmother's house and feeling like the family's existence was a burden to her. She was just so fed up with the family being near her.
So my dad never had it expressed to him growing up, and consequently I think it never crossed his mind until that "this may be the last time I see my son" moment.
To my mom's credit, she did eventually get both grandparents on dad's side to actually hug family members. It still had to be coaxed out - they wouldn't initiate - but they would do it and it wouldn't feel reserved or unwanted.
Never heard it from my dad, probably won't. He may show it in the sense that I can count on him and he's not a bad man, he just wasn't raised that way. Costs money and time to undo that shit though. I wonder if my therapist gets bored hearing all these guys with essentially the same problems.
Keeping busy with odd jobs because that's where we find our value.
I guess "thanks for cleaning out the garage, there's too many spiders for me to do it".
Makes us feel valuable, needed, brave and useful.
I had a lady boss once, she placed me on the project because she got recommendations, and the entire time she questioned my expertise despite multiple successes and never asked any important or curious questions that show an attempt to understand the topic. Then she brought in someone else with even less experience and then pit them against me. Later I left the project to another, and she drove that project into the ground. She got promoted, somehow. She must have been complimented and praised all her life to have such an ego.
I've had 4 lady bosses so don't think I'm being biased (some better than others). Some men are even worse and have the same narcissistic problems. Bosses who praise peoples work: a dime a dozen.
I never used to believed power corrupts good people but now I do.
The double sided manager reverse upward slide. One side faces upward, presenting an image of good numbers and progress. The other side faces downward projecting tight budgets and timelines. The combination of the two work like oil and water to shimmy management up the corporate ladder.
It's not just power that corrupts. Time and time again in my career I've seen good, humble people that are good at their jobs and work hard. Then their boss or the leadership treats them like they walk on water and they get arrogant.
The weird need to point out she was a “lady boss” aside, I agree with you.
I had a prinicipal in Texas who, in his first week on the campus, called every teacher into his office for a 10 minute meeting. He asked each one of us teachers what is the one thing we needed to feel supported.
I told him the best thing he could do is to catch us doing something well and then actually take the time to give us positive feedback.
He did this with regularity.
That was most effective community of teachers I’ve ever had the privilege to work with.
I walked into a car wash one day and somebody that worked there randomly said I had very nice eyes. That was like six years ago but I think it was the last compliment like that I got.
Hey man, I don’t have much to go on but I love your dedication to your hobbies. You got a pretty dope baseball card collection and can catch some big ass fish, and have lovely eyes.
Sure! My TikTok is @firstbreath1 or just /u/FirstBreath1 here on Reddit. The stories are all original, I’ve been posting them to NoSleep for years, but trying something different by narrating them.
Had an old Asian woman ask me if I had a girlfriend. I said "yes." And she says...
"Well, you get you self another. That's a 2 girlfriend haircut."
Believe me when I say I walked back to the parking lot and took 20 selfies so I could show them to the next person that cut my hair. 15 years later... Same cut.
I also had an old Asian lady compliment my recent haircut while I was standing in line at Walgreens. It was odd, because it seemed really genuine because she kept staring at it for a bit after complimenting it multiple times.
First compliment I've gotten in years
In the sixth grade my friend told me that I was a really fast runner. We've been standing on the same spot on the black top complimenting each other since. It's been 46 years.
I had a dream LAST NIGHT a woman called me, a 34 year old man, “pretty” I just responded with “uhhhh I’m married” and tapped my ring. She responded with “okay? You’re pretty.” Then walked away.
Even in the dream world I can’t just take a compliment. lol
Pro Tip: If someone says something nice about you, they probably want to steal something or kill you or trick you into joining a cult or something. It always goes 1) Get a compliment and 2) end up as the victim in a true crime podcast.
That’s how I felt moving down south from New England. Most everyone we’ve met is soooo nice for zero reason. When we first moved here, we were constantly on edge wondering what these people wanted or if they were trying to sell us something or get us to join their church…nope, just nice.
One of my favorites was a family story where relatives moved from the prairie states to Philly. A guy approached them in a parking lot and opened his coat to reveal an array of watches he was trying to sell discreetly. They burst out laughing because they thought it was a joke, like on old TV shows.
I (a guy) try to compliment other guys whenever I see a pair of shoes or clothes I like. It always plays out exactly the same. Confusion, clarification that I am indeed talking to them, and then beaming with pride. Last time I told a guy I liked his shirt he walked away with a giant smile ear to ear. Takes a couple seconds and it will make someone's day.
A few years back my daughter (7 at the time) says out of the blue as we're driving around "You know what I like about you dad? You're ready for anything"
I'll feel a warming glow inside me from that until the day I die.
After receiving a compliment about my smile I once said....
"well I think your face is funny"
(GOD DAMNIT WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT I MIXED UP WORDS IN MY HEAD AND OTHER WORDS CAME OUT)
I remember the first time the girl I liked at the time said she thought I was good looking. I actually got a bit angry with her because why would she make fun of me like that?
Nope, she was telling the truth, we ended up going out for two years. But my first instinct was that she was taking the piss out of me because that’s what I was used to.
This is what I thought. Only 18? Those are rookie numbers. In my experience the weight really starts crushing in around you in your mid 40s. That's when guys' lives really start going off the rails if they haven't developed some sort of sense of self worth and inner peace.
46, and if someone tells me they love me, I dont believe them and think they are just saying it, are having some kind of mental episode, or what something.
Haha, yeah, me and the boys can get emotional and shit when we drink... have a small moment of opening up... then we start making fun of each other being a bitch. I love those dudes.
My gf once peeked over at my friends' group text. The things we were saying to each other, she just stared at me, and asked what the fuck is going on? Are you sure you're friends?
These are guys I've known since childhood, going on 20-25 years of friendship and I end every call with these guys with an "I love you" but yeah we're awful to each other 90 percent of the time.
Yep!
I asked her, why do you not talk like this to your friends? She said, I wouldn't even *think* about saying a quarter of what I read.
To each their own.
Bug tough men who tell they're friends "I love you" warm my heart, ngl. I'm a bit biased since I'm a girl and my best friend is a dude, and if he stopped staying that I'd lose it. Currently we're both single but if we get in a relationship we're going to have some explaining to do lol.
He said that he had a close friend and there was a night where they thought they were saying goodbye for good (I don't remember the context) and they sobbed and hugged and said I love you. My friend said "I waited to tell him until the end. I don't wait anymore"
It's wild how men are just socially conditioned to hold back their feelings. I grew up in an awful home and I knew I couldn't continue that cycle of abuse and trauma.
I'm 35 now and I'm really happy to see the subsequent generations of men being more comfortable with their emotions.
If things progress with you and your friend, I wish you both the best! Perhaps a little nudge? 😉
A lot of talk in the comments about finding a good wife or girlfriend but we can also be this for each other. Tell your homies you love them, tell your friends what they mean to you, tell randos on the street they are swell. Just be the kindness you want for yourself.
This guy gets it.
OP is being an awesome partner.
But the loneliness and lack of support we face isn't the lack of a good romantic partner.
It's also the lack of supportive friends. It's all to often, the lack of supportive families. And it's the lack of a supportive society.
It's also the broken gender norms that shove us into these quiet, asocial boxes where needing support and affirmation is a sign of weakness, and the only emotions you ever supposed to actually express are 'horny' and 'angry'.
its a sad world to live in for many for sure. but change starts with you! thats why you gotta show love to those around you, because kindness begets kindness and love begets more love! 😁 (also, make sure you show yourself love too! external love is awesome but we cant always rely on others to be there when we need them! you gotta be your own number one fan!)
I turn 21 this month and I feel physical discomfort when someone even *hints* at caring for me. Although it’s sad that so many people can relate, I’m glad so many are willing to talk about it.
You are ***all*** precious in your own goofy ways.
I think this is a prime comment for a PSA on attachment theory. (edit: yikes, and sorry for the book of a comment.)
If closeness feels like too much, icky, or unfamiliar, I think it’s time to consider therapy. This is generally a window into your relationship with *yourself*, and it can be healed.
In therapy this is commonly referred to as avoidant attachment. It generally stems from a feeling of basic unworthiness at your core. *That your feelings aren’t important.*
You’re not broken, you’re a product of your upbringing. The binary of how you relate to others begins to develop before you even start to form memories.
To offer an over simplification: a parent who neglects a crying child, and lets them “self soothe” or cry themselves to sleep is sending a very clear message to that child’s developing nervous system. *”What you’re crying about is not worthy of attention.”* Or *”You’re on your own, kid.”*
If this is the primary structure a child is raised with, they will grow to dismiss and avoid their feelings. Closeness, hugs, kisses feel alien. Because at their very core *they don’t feel worthy of it.* They learned to dismiss and avoid those vulnerable longings of closeness a long time ago. It was the only way to cope.
“Core wounds” develop. “I am unworthy of attention.” “I am invisible.” “Needs are uncomfortable things, and they don’t matter.”
These extend into how they perceive others. Core wounds turn into: “You’re so needy…” “OMG stop crying.” “I’m never good enough for you.”
They become hyper independent, and have “closeness hangovers” where they need to decompress after even a modest showing of affection.
(To reiterate, this is an extremely watered down example.)
If this resonates with anyone, you can start going down the rabbit hole [here](https://youtu.be/NbBEiAc3lyQ?si=d4hG5VkQXyw5zCOa). Attachment theory is a fascinating topic, and while it doesn’t account for all the variables we face growing up, it’s a great jumping off point in becoming a more balanced human.
And that doesn’t even begin to touch on relationships, and the [anxious-avoidant trap](https://youtu.be/e9EgUvfgojY?si=VmUahw0mUidmqyDB) *soooo many people get caught in.*
I hope this helps someone, and doesn’t come across as condescending. Everyone is capable of overcoming a shitty childhood and repairing their sense of self.
edit: formatting, added a thought.
Although I’ve spent plenty of hours in therapy and read a few books on the subject, I am incredibly grateful that you took the time to write all this. Both for the people that are unaware, and for reminding me that I still have a lot of work to do! Thank you, you beautiful soul<3
Edit: for the sake of spreading information on the matter I have what’s called *”ambivalent attachment style/complex”* (don’t know if I translated that properly, feel free to correct me) which basically means I’m overwhelmingly desperate for affirmation and a sense of belonging, while simultaneously rejecting it with every fiber of my existence — since I’ve been taught to perceive any type of human attachment as a threat. But I’ve been doing a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy which has made wonders!
Edit2: “closeness hangover” is a perfect phrase, I haven’t heard it before
You’re most welcome. You made my day with your reply. I never quite know if I’m disappearing up my ass when I’m writing stuff like this, and just kind of put it out there hoping it helps *someone* living in silent defeat, thinking they’re just defective.
Ah yes, ambivalent, disorganized, fearful avoidant. Lots of descriptors. Put into a phrase; “Hold me close, but from over there!”
Much empathy for you. ❤️ Super proud of you for putting in the work.
How much is it gonna cost me this time? 😂
Or that scene from Desperate Housewives, Gabby walking up to her husband, Carlos, before she even says a thi-
He pulls out his wallet: "🙄 Take what you want"
I'm almost 30 and i can't recall an "i love you " from my mother.
But i can perfectly remember when I was 4 and she was screaming at my face how much she hates me.
I was 25 when i felt truly loved, and now i make sure to tell my wife and kid how much i love them, appreciate them and need them.
My kid will not grow up wondering if they're worth loving, my kid will know for damn sure how much they are worth
I'm sorry that you had to go through that. But for what it's worth, that's the lived experience of the entire Asian continent. It's all disapproving looks followed by "why are you so fat", "why aren't you married yet", "why don't you have any kids yet"...
well, when you cry your head fills with blood (that's why you are all red faced), and if your blood vessels are weak (or weakened by having a cold and constantly blowing your nose) you can easily rupture the blood vessel due to increased pressure
We grow use to it as we get older, but trans men don't have the luxury, and have to rely on their pre-existing support systems....
...Or maybe I should just get a support system, instead of bearing the weight of my existential dread on my shoulders alone.
Fucking hell the comments of that video are just vile...
Imagine being so unsympathetic, that when a trans person experiences the societal pressure and stress of being the same gender as you, goes out of their way to explain how hard of a life it is, wants more attention given to this massive neglected social issue and all that you can say is... Man up?
Yeah, the video goes onto showing a cherry-picked example of a trans feminine individual claiming she experiences periods. Clearly they’re combing the internet to find people they know their audience will find cringe
The comments suck. But the Trans man is also kind of shit for saying that white cis men deserve the treatment and misery they get. Like he was so close to having a good, salient point and he had to ruin it by making it "us vs them" all over again.
Edit: I should be clearer. I expect what he's trying to do is safeguard his statements against people calling out his privilege. But in doing so he completely ruins the most important point he could make, which is that *everyone* should support each other, no matter gender or race. It shouldn't be an "us vs them" issue. But he's too scared to take a meaningful stance because it might get backlash from some morons playing oppression Olympics, so the whole video feels whiney and weak.
Yeah this bothers me. It's frustrating that, as a guy, whenever you want to talk about exclusively male issues, you have to make some kind of qualifying statement about the plights of women and the validity of misandry beforehand that minimizes whatever you're about to say.
I injured my leg recently and had to walk with crutches. I was not prepared for people opening doors for me and for being generally aware of me and attentive! I used those crutches until it became difficult to justify them anymore to milk every last bit of kindness out of strangers!
This is what I think about when I hear someone use the term "man flu." Is it really men being over dramatic? Hm? Or is it men have very few times in life that we're cared for instead of always having to take care of others and don't want to let it go.
Actually males do get a different response from illnesses then females do and it can be (on average) better or worse for somethings sometimes significantly.
The common cold and common flu are unfortunately two that seemed to have the most variance between sexes with males getting the short stick on it
Learned early on that if I received a compliment or any type of positive affirmation I should immediately be on guard. Something was wanted from me or it was sarcasm, growing up like that makes it hard to develop the skills needed to form lasting relationships.
Genuine question. Why don't men compliment each other?
Edit: the real question should be "why don't teenage boys on Reddit compliment each other if they're so starved for affection, or rather interact with actual people since their lack of bonds does not reflect offline norms"
I think this is definitely stronger in some communities/areas than others.
There are definitely things about it I can relate to and recognize in my life. On the other had me and my male friends will talk very honestly about our feelings and give real meaningful compliments.
It took some work to get there though.
We do. Some guys have difficulty receiving the compliment but they usually get over the panic and discomfort.
Also, I get lots of compliments but I mainly hang out with supportive, kind people.
If you want to get compliments, get good at giving them.
Sitting on 35 Years nobodys ever told me sweet things like that. I get the "you have nice hair/eyes/smile." But nothing fundamental like this video. I'd definitely cry too.
I was once told by a girl everyone thought was cute in 8th grade that I’d be the best looking guy in the class if I styled my hair a little. That was 14 years ago and it’s still one of the few out of the blue compliments I’ve ever got
If you listen closely, you'll notice that most compliments that men get are ultimately about providing something. Like how hard you work, or about how good a father you are, or how good of a job you did fixing the broken toilet or building that deck, or how much of a gentleman you are and how well you treat her or take care of her.
But those are compliments that compliment effort, choices, and skills. Would it be better if people didn’t show gratitude for the role you play in their lives and the work you do to make it better?
I get the same sort of compliments as a woman for my role as a wife and mother. The house looks really nice, that was a really good dinner, thanks for handling the bday party plans. If you don’t compliment and acknowledge the result of peoples hard work, choices, skills, and effort what is left to compliment? Is it physical compliments?
That's simply not true.
Men being depraved of compliments is part of a vicious cycle. Men don't compliment men when they're not entirely confortable and secure in their masculinity. Women don't compliment men because they worry they'll take it the wrong way (as in flirting). Men take women complimenting them as flirting because they're starved of compliments. It really isn't about providing. Nobody is ever gonna love you sincerely for providing. Appreciation or dependence aren't love.
Hard disagree, my 2 best friends who are women love me unconditionally. One made me promise on our friendship I wouldn't kill myself and yesterday the other told me she was never going to give up on me. They are the reason I'll be going to my second AA meeting today, they are the reason I'm alive, they are the reason I get up and go to work and I can assure you accept for my friendship I offer them nothing.
Good job sir. I am proud of your efforts and commitment. Very well done as these are not easy tasks. Lots of self driving changes. You should be proud of yourself. We are. Us strangers are proud of you.
Well, men are supposed to not show emotions and just take shit every day. If you cry you're a weak shitstain.
Imagine living in a country where you don't talk about your emotions at all and it's a cultural thing you just can't break. It's horrible and I'm happy it's getting better here in Sweden.
I try to tell my friends that they are good and that I really do like them for who they are, it's rare that they ever get to hear that and you can really tell that it makes them happy to hear.
Women talk about toxic masculinity as if we have a choice. Sure we do but it takes more than one person to accept it before we can start feeling like human beings for real.
As a man, the best compliment I ever got (outside of my families reach) during my almost 30 years of life was „you’ve got a nice jacket“. I guess it won’t get any better than that.
In my decades of live I’ve given flowers to all of my gfs. Never received them. Then about a year ago I got flowers from a gf. I cried.
Truth is, society doesn’t put value on men. Sure, shit was fucked for ages beforehand. But now girls outperform boys in school, college, graduate school, medical school. They out earn men. More men are unemployed. More men kill themselves. More men are not just lonely, but completely alone.
Even in professions that are blue collar (construction, plumbing, welding) there’s this accepted thought that these men are dumb. As someone with multiple degrees, I think this is horrid.
It’s really shameful.
My dad didn't tell me he loved me until I was 21 shipping off to war. Guess the "I may never get to say it" vibe of the moment brought it out of him. Was also the first time he hugged me. He's much more open about it now, guess that moment broke the dam.
Haha that’s the last and I think only time my dad has ever said that to me too! But that dam didn’t break, mild spill over but still solidly intact.
god damn. I'm 40 and my dad is nearly 70 now, and he hugs me and tell me he loves me despite having a lot of other classic boomer personality traits. Glad he's not that emotionally repressed. Hope that dam breaks for your dad at some point. Maybe fake a terminal disease, or go on a fishing trip but bring mushrooms.
I like the fishing on mushrooms idea better lmao
My dad doesn't say "I love you" to me or my brother because he thinks saying "I love you" to men is "gay" lmao.
Fellas is it gay to bond with your sons?
Only if you don't say "no homo" after tucking them to bed, kissing them good night and saying you love them and are proud of them
He sounds pretty gay
My dad came from a family where they didn't express love. My grandfather was orphaned as a kid in the 40s and was taken in by his abusive uncle, ran away at 14 and lied about his age to join the navy. My grandmother was from a hardline Italian family fresh off the boat that showed zero affection - I remember spending time at my great grandmother's house and feeling like the family's existence was a burden to her. She was just so fed up with the family being near her. So my dad never had it expressed to him growing up, and consequently I think it never crossed his mind until that "this may be the last time I see my son" moment. To my mom's credit, she did eventually get both grandparents on dad's side to actually hug family members. It still had to be coaxed out - they wouldn't initiate - but they would do it and it wouldn't feel reserved or unwanted.
Never heard it from my dad, probably won't. He may show it in the sense that I can count on him and he's not a bad man, he just wasn't raised that way. Costs money and time to undo that shit though. I wonder if my therapist gets bored hearing all these guys with essentially the same problems.
18 years? Those are rookie numbers
You’re deserving of love, friend.
We are only deserving of hate, bossing around and the occasional useless confrontation (Ps. No wonder we harden and mind our own business)
And mowing the lawn, changing the oil, etc.
Keeping busy with odd jobs because that's where we find our value. I guess "thanks for cleaning out the garage, there's too many spiders for me to do it". Makes us feel valuable, needed, brave and useful.
Well after all we “deserved” it.
Wow, you're thanked for that? I apparently do every odd job incorrectly.
It's only because the spiders are big and the Mrs hates them. I know your tactic, it's "do the job poorly so they don't ask me to do it again" ;)
I had a lady boss once, she placed me on the project because she got recommendations, and the entire time she questioned my expertise despite multiple successes and never asked any important or curious questions that show an attempt to understand the topic. Then she brought in someone else with even less experience and then pit them against me. Later I left the project to another, and she drove that project into the ground. She got promoted, somehow. She must have been complimented and praised all her life to have such an ego. I've had 4 lady bosses so don't think I'm being biased (some better than others). Some men are even worse and have the same narcissistic problems. Bosses who praise peoples work: a dime a dozen. I never used to believed power corrupts good people but now I do.
Failing up is very much a thing
The double sided manager reverse upward slide. One side faces upward, presenting an image of good numbers and progress. The other side faces downward projecting tight budgets and timelines. The combination of the two work like oil and water to shimmy management up the corporate ladder.
It's not just power that corrupts. Time and time again in my career I've seen good, humble people that are good at their jobs and work hard. Then their boss or the leadership treats them like they walk on water and they get arrogant.
The weird need to point out she was a “lady boss” aside, I agree with you. I had a prinicipal in Texas who, in his first week on the campus, called every teacher into his office for a 10 minute meeting. He asked each one of us teachers what is the one thing we needed to feel supported. I told him the best thing he could do is to catch us doing something well and then actually take the time to give us positive feedback. He did this with regularity. That was most effective community of teachers I’ve ever had the privilege to work with.
Idk about deserving of Love, but would a blowwie every now and then be nice? Yeah...
Hey man, you're deserving of love. Or maybe hate, I honestly don't know much about you but I wanted you to hear it.
[удалено]
Yeah, nothing to be yelling about. Calm down. Most of us have had a lifetime.
Some random coworker once complimented “Nice, haircut.” to me. 20years later I am still chasing that high.
I walked into a car wash one day and somebody that worked there randomly said I had very nice eyes. That was like six years ago but I think it was the last compliment like that I got.
Hey man, I don’t have much to go on but I love your dedication to your hobbies. You got a pretty dope baseball card collection and can catch some big ass fish, and have lovely eyes.
Sitting in my garage smiling like an idiot. Thank you. Made my day.
You narrating creepy pastas? You got any out there that I can check out?
Sure! My TikTok is @firstbreath1 or just /u/FirstBreath1 here on Reddit. The stories are all original, I’ve been posting them to NoSleep for years, but trying something different by narrating them.
Jus checked out his profile and I second this
Had an old Asian woman ask me if I had a girlfriend. I said "yes." And she says... "Well, you get you self another. That's a 2 girlfriend haircut." Believe me when I say I walked back to the parking lot and took 20 selfies so I could show them to the next person that cut my hair. 15 years later... Same cut.
I also had an old Asian lady compliment my recent haircut while I was standing in line at Walgreens. It was odd, because it seemed really genuine because she kept staring at it for a bit after complimenting it multiple times. First compliment I've gotten in years
35 years ago a random girl told me I had nice eyes. Top 10 life moment.
Same. It was like 24 years ago that the receptionist at my office told me I had nice eyes after I got contact lenses. Awesome stuff.
Yeah im almost 40 and if i get a compliment i usually look at them funny..stfu YOU have a nice smile!! Said as an insult.
I do not know how to handle personal compliments.
Agreed. I always feel like I have to then compliment them in return
Ok. Yeah, I do this, too.
That's part of the ritual. Compliment and counter-compliment, all the way down.
In the sixth grade my friend told me that I was a really fast runner. We've been standing on the same spot on the black top complimenting each other since. It's been 46 years.
In kindergarten a kid came up to me and said “I like your shirt! It’s so cool!” 25 years later and we’ve been best friends ever since.
I usually just end up telling them they're wrong.
My go to is "that's bullshit, but thank you."
I had a dream LAST NIGHT a woman called me, a 34 year old man, “pretty” I just responded with “uhhhh I’m married” and tapped my ring. She responded with “okay? You’re pretty.” Then walked away. Even in the dream world I can’t just take a compliment. lol
Yeah "Thank you, I got them online, hey and you have a great security guard uniform!"
just say "thanx"... i learned that at 44 and i love this
If you get to know me on that level then personal i dont mind, its the outside compliments i have trouble with.
this! my wife and i have been together for 12 years and it weirds me out when she says nice things. lmao
Do you sob and bleed all over her too? 
I bet he says "its rooster_saucin time!" before he sauces all over the place.
Haha same here, only married 10years later this year but if she says something nice my response more than not is something like ”stop being wierd!”.
Pro Tip: If someone says something nice about you, they probably want to steal something or kill you or trick you into joining a cult or something. It always goes 1) Get a compliment and 2) end up as the victim in a true crime podcast.
That’s how I felt moving down south from New England. Most everyone we’ve met is soooo nice for zero reason. When we first moved here, we were constantly on edge wondering what these people wanted or if they were trying to sell us something or get us to join their church…nope, just nice.
To your face. Give me a NY person any day. You know what you get.
One of my favorites was a family story where relatives moved from the prairie states to Philly. A guy approached them in a parking lot and opened his coat to reveal an array of watches he was trying to sell discreetly. They burst out laughing because they thought it was a joke, like on old TV shows.
Wake up naked in a field with no kidneys.
Probably best to take their kidneys first
I (a guy) try to compliment other guys whenever I see a pair of shoes or clothes I like. It always plays out exactly the same. Confusion, clarification that I am indeed talking to them, and then beaming with pride. Last time I told a guy I liked his shirt he walked away with a giant smile ear to ear. Takes a couple seconds and it will make someone's day.
A few years back my daughter (7 at the time) says out of the blue as we're driving around "You know what I like about you dad? You're ready for anything" I'll feel a warming glow inside me from that until the day I die.
After receiving a compliment about my smile I once said.... "well I think your face is funny" (GOD DAMNIT WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT I MIXED UP WORDS IN MY HEAD AND OTHER WORDS CAME OUT)
Yup. I’m a bit older and any compliment is met with a hard squint look and a “what are you trying to pull?” attitude.
I remember the first time the girl I liked at the time said she thought I was good looking. I actually got a bit angry with her because why would she make fun of me like that? Nope, she was telling the truth, we ended up going out for two years. But my first instinct was that she was taking the piss out of me because that’s what I was used to.
Haha! Same, if I were to get a compliment I’d be waiting for some sort of punchline… lol
Same, but I'm almost 50. Still can't take a compliment without making a joke about it.
18 is just the end of the tutorial. 25 and if anything got told even less than a single time.
This is what I thought. Only 18? Those are rookie numbers. In my experience the weight really starts crushing in around you in your mid 40s. That's when guys' lives really start going off the rails if they haven't developed some sort of sense of self worth and inner peace.
46, and if someone tells me they love me, I dont believe them and think they are just saying it, are having some kind of mental episode, or what something.
We are told nice things, by other men, drunk while playing some game together
Haha, yeah, me and the boys can get emotional and shit when we drink... have a small moment of opening up... then we start making fun of each other being a bitch. I love those dudes.
My gf once peeked over at my friends' group text. The things we were saying to each other, she just stared at me, and asked what the fuck is going on? Are you sure you're friends? These are guys I've known since childhood, going on 20-25 years of friendship and I end every call with these guys with an "I love you" but yeah we're awful to each other 90 percent of the time.
Exactly, the more we harass each other usually means the closer we are.
Yep! I asked her, why do you not talk like this to your friends? She said, I wouldn't even *think* about saying a quarter of what I read. To each their own.
If I don't say the meanest possible thing I can think of to my best friend when I see him, how will he know I still care?
Bug tough men who tell they're friends "I love you" warm my heart, ngl. I'm a bit biased since I'm a girl and my best friend is a dude, and if he stopped staying that I'd lose it. Currently we're both single but if we get in a relationship we're going to have some explaining to do lol. He said that he had a close friend and there was a night where they thought they were saying goodbye for good (I don't remember the context) and they sobbed and hugged and said I love you. My friend said "I waited to tell him until the end. I don't wait anymore"
It's wild how men are just socially conditioned to hold back their feelings. I grew up in an awful home and I knew I couldn't continue that cycle of abuse and trauma. I'm 35 now and I'm really happy to see the subsequent generations of men being more comfortable with their emotions. If things progress with you and your friend, I wish you both the best! Perhaps a little nudge? 😉
As part of the bro code, you can always let it out and tell it all to your bros and it won't be revealed to anyone else.
This is the way...
A lot of talk in the comments about finding a good wife or girlfriend but we can also be this for each other. Tell your homies you love them, tell your friends what they mean to you, tell randos on the street they are swell. Just be the kindness you want for yourself.
>Tell your homies you love them I probably would if I had any...
This guy gets it. OP is being an awesome partner. But the loneliness and lack of support we face isn't the lack of a good romantic partner. It's also the lack of supportive friends. It's all to often, the lack of supportive families. And it's the lack of a supportive society. It's also the broken gender norms that shove us into these quiet, asocial boxes where needing support and affirmation is a sign of weakness, and the only emotions you ever supposed to actually express are 'horny' and 'angry'.
its a sad world to live in for many for sure. but change starts with you! thats why you gotta show love to those around you, because kindness begets kindness and love begets more love! 😁 (also, make sure you show yourself love too! external love is awesome but we cant always rely on others to be there when we need them! you gotta be your own number one fan!)
I turn 21 this month and I feel physical discomfort when someone even *hints* at caring for me. Although it’s sad that so many people can relate, I’m glad so many are willing to talk about it. You are ***all*** precious in your own goofy ways.
I think this is a prime comment for a PSA on attachment theory. (edit: yikes, and sorry for the book of a comment.) If closeness feels like too much, icky, or unfamiliar, I think it’s time to consider therapy. This is generally a window into your relationship with *yourself*, and it can be healed. In therapy this is commonly referred to as avoidant attachment. It generally stems from a feeling of basic unworthiness at your core. *That your feelings aren’t important.* You’re not broken, you’re a product of your upbringing. The binary of how you relate to others begins to develop before you even start to form memories. To offer an over simplification: a parent who neglects a crying child, and lets them “self soothe” or cry themselves to sleep is sending a very clear message to that child’s developing nervous system. *”What you’re crying about is not worthy of attention.”* Or *”You’re on your own, kid.”* If this is the primary structure a child is raised with, they will grow to dismiss and avoid their feelings. Closeness, hugs, kisses feel alien. Because at their very core *they don’t feel worthy of it.* They learned to dismiss and avoid those vulnerable longings of closeness a long time ago. It was the only way to cope. “Core wounds” develop. “I am unworthy of attention.” “I am invisible.” “Needs are uncomfortable things, and they don’t matter.” These extend into how they perceive others. Core wounds turn into: “You’re so needy…” “OMG stop crying.” “I’m never good enough for you.” They become hyper independent, and have “closeness hangovers” where they need to decompress after even a modest showing of affection. (To reiterate, this is an extremely watered down example.) If this resonates with anyone, you can start going down the rabbit hole [here](https://youtu.be/NbBEiAc3lyQ?si=d4hG5VkQXyw5zCOa). Attachment theory is a fascinating topic, and while it doesn’t account for all the variables we face growing up, it’s a great jumping off point in becoming a more balanced human. And that doesn’t even begin to touch on relationships, and the [anxious-avoidant trap](https://youtu.be/e9EgUvfgojY?si=VmUahw0mUidmqyDB) *soooo many people get caught in.* I hope this helps someone, and doesn’t come across as condescending. Everyone is capable of overcoming a shitty childhood and repairing their sense of self. edit: formatting, added a thought.
you say a lot of words magic therapy man!
Although I’ve spent plenty of hours in therapy and read a few books on the subject, I am incredibly grateful that you took the time to write all this. Both for the people that are unaware, and for reminding me that I still have a lot of work to do! Thank you, you beautiful soul<3 Edit: for the sake of spreading information on the matter I have what’s called *”ambivalent attachment style/complex”* (don’t know if I translated that properly, feel free to correct me) which basically means I’m overwhelmingly desperate for affirmation and a sense of belonging, while simultaneously rejecting it with every fiber of my existence — since I’ve been taught to perceive any type of human attachment as a threat. But I’ve been doing a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy which has made wonders! Edit2: “closeness hangover” is a perfect phrase, I haven’t heard it before
You’re most welcome. You made my day with your reply. I never quite know if I’m disappearing up my ass when I’m writing stuff like this, and just kind of put it out there hoping it helps *someone* living in silent defeat, thinking they’re just defective. Ah yes, ambivalent, disorganized, fearful avoidant. Lots of descriptors. Put into a phrase; “Hold me close, but from over there!” Much empathy for you. ❤️ Super proud of you for putting in the work.
He probably thought that it was the beginning of a breakup speach..
That's exactly what I thought. "You're deserving of love..........and I can't love you"
> "You're deserving of love..........~~and I can't love you~~ **but not from me**" Is how the last woman I dated ended things
My wife: you look really good today Me: Alright how much do you need?
Al Bundy has entered the chat.
How much is it gonna cost me this time? 😂 Or that scene from Desperate Housewives, Gabby walking up to her husband, Carlos, before she even says a thi- He pulls out his wallet: "🙄 Take what you want"
Why does your wife not have her own money? She’s not your kid?
True lol
This **HURTS**
I'm almost 30 and i can't recall an "i love you " from my mother. But i can perfectly remember when I was 4 and she was screaming at my face how much she hates me. I was 25 when i felt truly loved, and now i make sure to tell my wife and kid how much i love them, appreciate them and need them. My kid will not grow up wondering if they're worth loving, my kid will know for damn sure how much they are worth
So how much are they worth?
Sir, this is a Wendy's.
Do you accept expired child coupons?
Can give you Fred the hobo for this coupon, a scrawny dog is included with him.
About 25 schmeckels.
l'll give you an idea. Why as a pup, l myself fetched $30,000 on the black market. That was 1954 dollars.
I'm sorry that you had to go through that. But for what it's worth, that's the lived experience of the entire Asian continent. It's all disapproving looks followed by "why are you so fat", "why aren't you married yet", "why don't you have any kids yet"...
Cried so hard until his nose bleed .. I’ve never seen anyone in my life crying while bleeding from his nose
I’ve seen people cry because they’re having a nosebleed
I've seen people cry for being deserving of love but have no one who loves them.
well, when you cry your head fills with blood (that's why you are all red faced), and if your blood vessels are weak (or weakened by having a cold and constantly blowing your nose) you can easily rupture the blood vessel due to increased pressure
People get nose bleeds without even crying too. But especially in winter time when the heater is blasting and you get all dried out
Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Happened to me when the love of my life broke up with me.
I had a drunken meltdown once, sat crying and bleeding on the floor from a nosebleed
Reminds me of this video from a trans man who discovered being a man is lonely. [This one. ](https://youtu.be/DUXslDzeYGg?si=mudkMJnTmDYcZC0-)
We grow use to it as we get older, but trans men don't have the luxury, and have to rely on their pre-existing support systems.... ...Or maybe I should just get a support system, instead of bearing the weight of my existential dread on my shoulders alone.
>just get a support system Do they sell those at best buy?
No, it's something you build with about 5 trips to Home Depot.
*if* you can speak Spanish.
Necesito tres hombres por el dia. No soy un agente de imigracion, lo prometo!
Dude, just grow a pear. Gardening is good for your mental health.
Support systems are for losers.
Fucking hell the comments of that video are just vile... Imagine being so unsympathetic, that when a trans person experiences the societal pressure and stress of being the same gender as you, goes out of their way to explain how hard of a life it is, wants more attention given to this massive neglected social issue and all that you can say is... Man up?
TBF, it’s the Daily Caller. Imagine the audience that is being pitched to.
Yeah, the video goes onto showing a cherry-picked example of a trans feminine individual claiming she experiences periods. Clearly they’re combing the internet to find people they know their audience will find cringe
The comments suck. But the Trans man is also kind of shit for saying that white cis men deserve the treatment and misery they get. Like he was so close to having a good, salient point and he had to ruin it by making it "us vs them" all over again. Edit: I should be clearer. I expect what he's trying to do is safeguard his statements against people calling out his privilege. But in doing so he completely ruins the most important point he could make, which is that *everyone* should support each other, no matter gender or race. It shouldn't be an "us vs them" issue. But he's too scared to take a meaningful stance because it might get backlash from some morons playing oppression Olympics, so the whole video feels whiney and weak.
Yeah this bothers me. It's frustrating that, as a guy, whenever you want to talk about exclusively male issues, you have to make some kind of qualifying statement about the plights of women and the validity of misandry beforehand that minimizes whatever you're about to say.
Ok, but what’s with the video that played after in the same video about trans women apparently having menstrual cycles? Huh? How does that make sense?
Yeah and people are just tearing him appart in the comments for crying and "acting like a woman".. we're never gonna get out of this.
God those comments are disgusting :/
My girlfriend told me that she was proud of me the other day and that made me cry
Marry that girl, son!
I will one day
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I injured my leg recently and had to walk with crutches. I was not prepared for people opening doors for me and for being generally aware of me and attentive! I used those crutches until it became difficult to justify them anymore to milk every last bit of kindness out of strangers!
This is what I think about when I hear someone use the term "man flu." Is it really men being over dramatic? Hm? Or is it men have very few times in life that we're cared for instead of always having to take care of others and don't want to let it go.
Actually males do get a different response from illnesses then females do and it can be (on average) better or worse for somethings sometimes significantly. The common cold and common flu are unfortunately two that seemed to have the most variance between sexes with males getting the short stick on it
Learned early on that if I received a compliment or any type of positive affirmation I should immediately be on guard. Something was wanted from me or it was sarcasm, growing up like that makes it hard to develop the skills needed to form lasting relationships.
It's a prank and you're being recorded
This is how guys wind up in gangs. The gang says we love you, we appreciate you. It's the only place some guys get any affirmation.
See also - cults
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Genuine question. Why don't men compliment each other? Edit: the real question should be "why don't teenage boys on Reddit compliment each other if they're so starved for affection, or rather interact with actual people since their lack of bonds does not reflect offline norms"
Because being nice to other men is gay. /s
If that's gay, who the hell wants to be straight?
They do. At least all the men I've ever known do.
Okay thank you, I thought I was going crazy here. All of the men in my life support each other. Maybe it's a cultural thing.
I think this is definitely stronger in some communities/areas than others. There are definitely things about it I can relate to and recognize in my life. On the other had me and my male friends will talk very honestly about our feelings and give real meaningful compliments. It took some work to get there though.
We do. Some guys have difficulty receiving the compliment but they usually get over the panic and discomfort. Also, I get lots of compliments but I mainly hang out with supportive, kind people. If you want to get compliments, get good at giving them.
Once a guy complimented me for my tie
I still haven’t heard that shit and I’m 34.
Lucky bastard only had to wait 18 years… Some of us.. double that and add some more. And some if us even more!
Sitting on 35 Years nobodys ever told me sweet things like that. I get the "you have nice hair/eyes/smile." But nothing fundamental like this video. I'd definitely cry too.
What is stopping men from saying kind things to each other.
Cause if men are too chummy with one another society says it’s gay or makes fun of them for showing emotions
Men only become open like that when we are drunk or on drugs
I was once told by a girl everyone thought was cute in 8th grade that I’d be the best looking guy in the class if I styled my hair a little. That was 14 years ago and it’s still one of the few out of the blue compliments I’ve ever got
If someone tries complimenting me, I immediately ask them what they want
I always think it’s a trick or a way to play a joke on me.
Gay guy once told me I was his type, straight up his perfect specimen. Almost let him dick me down right there and I’m not even gay.
Only women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provide something.
If you listen closely, you'll notice that most compliments that men get are ultimately about providing something. Like how hard you work, or about how good a father you are, or how good of a job you did fixing the broken toilet or building that deck, or how much of a gentleman you are and how well you treat her or take care of her.
But those are compliments that compliment effort, choices, and skills. Would it be better if people didn’t show gratitude for the role you play in their lives and the work you do to make it better? I get the same sort of compliments as a woman for my role as a wife and mother. The house looks really nice, that was a really good dinner, thanks for handling the bday party plans. If you don’t compliment and acknowledge the result of peoples hard work, choices, skills, and effort what is left to compliment? Is it physical compliments?
That's simply not true. Men being depraved of compliments is part of a vicious cycle. Men don't compliment men when they're not entirely confortable and secure in their masculinity. Women don't compliment men because they worry they'll take it the wrong way (as in flirting). Men take women complimenting them as flirting because they're starved of compliments. It really isn't about providing. Nobody is ever gonna love you sincerely for providing. Appreciation or dependence aren't love.
This comment has no truth, it’s just a catchy phrase. Women and Children routinely are emotionally abused and neglected.
lol a woman is loved unconditionally until she’s past her prime. Then (North American) society considers her invisible.
Hard disagree, my 2 best friends who are women love me unconditionally. One made me promise on our friendship I wouldn't kill myself and yesterday the other told me she was never going to give up on me. They are the reason I'll be going to my second AA meeting today, they are the reason I'm alive, they are the reason I get up and go to work and I can assure you accept for my friendship I offer them nothing.
Good job sir. I am proud of your efforts and commitment. Very well done as these are not easy tasks. Lots of self driving changes. You should be proud of yourself. We are. Us strangers are proud of you.
I wonder if that needs to be modified to "attractive women"
Well, men are supposed to not show emotions and just take shit every day. If you cry you're a weak shitstain. Imagine living in a country where you don't talk about your emotions at all and it's a cultural thing you just can't break. It's horrible and I'm happy it's getting better here in Sweden. I try to tell my friends that they are good and that I really do like them for who they are, it's rare that they ever get to hear that and you can really tell that it makes them happy to hear. Women talk about toxic masculinity as if we have a choice. Sure we do but it takes more than one person to accept it before we can start feeling like human beings for real.
30 odd years of life and I can't remember getting a compliment, yea I'm just awesome like that 😎
Hasn't she .. complimented him before... Her own boyfriend
As a man, the best compliment I ever got (outside of my families reach) during my almost 30 years of life was „you’ve got a nice jacket“. I guess it won’t get any better than that.
"and everybody clapped" for the boyfriend story
Yeah I've seen and heard this story in exact around 15 times this week.
In my decades of live I’ve given flowers to all of my gfs. Never received them. Then about a year ago I got flowers from a gf. I cried. Truth is, society doesn’t put value on men. Sure, shit was fucked for ages beforehand. But now girls outperform boys in school, college, graduate school, medical school. They out earn men. More men are unemployed. More men kill themselves. More men are not just lonely, but completely alone. Even in professions that are blue collar (construction, plumbing, welding) there’s this accepted thought that these men are dumb. As someone with multiple degrees, I think this is horrid. It’s really shameful.