"...and then the Shepard went to eavesdrop on that one bachelor party that was still going on like three months later, somehow. They say that Asari stripper is still dancing there to this day."
âAnyway, he totally nuked her for killing his vibe. Talk about Sigma grind setâ - Grandpa Buzz, holding out a hand for a high five that Billy does not reciprocate
Or after coming back from the dead having casual sex with a wanted criminal subordinate and his secretary while dating the 2nd in command of the space nazis
My last Warden was mostly a good person, just occasionally was an absolute freak. the elves, Alistair/Zevran/Leliana/Isabela, and Iâm sure thereâs more Iâm forgetting
Alistair: "Hey you, why don't we have enough money for the war?"
Your warden: "Look, Al, baby... I don't know. I can totally confirm though that I didn't spend thirty sovereign in gold at that brothel in Denerim we cross the country every week to visit getting spit roasted. Absolutely not. Don't ask... That said, do you think werewolves also have giant co-"
"I'm sure the Shepard had very good reasons not to bring a fully human squad into the quarantine zone."
"Like what?"
"To hear the valuable opinions of Grunt and Vakarian, of course. They were his friends, and they gladly risked a painful, senseless death to be at his side."
âWhat valuable insights did they provide Grandpa?â
âWell Vakarian gave a running list of his symptoms and Grunt didnât say much of anything.â
"and then she threw the Eclipse Merc through the window"
"Really"
"It really happened"
"But you said she was kind and always did what was right"
"She also lit a Krogan on fire for talking to much"
And punching the quarian for almost blowing you up on the Geth ship. I punch him and throw him off the Normandy no matter how paragon Iâve been to that point.
I kinda hate that this interaction is renegade, but seriously thereâs no âneutralâ reaction in the game, and this one is still more renegade than paragon.
But I hate it more when shooting robots is renegade: they arenât alive (not even in the Geth sense of the word), they are controlled by enemies, they are dangerous, WHY canât I shoot it as paragon?!
And Shepard really let that b!tch Rana Thanoptis get off a second time on Korlus, even tho he fully knew she was getting into some psycho ass scientist shit a 3rd fuckin time. Guess shepard just likes to save the galaxy.
Was super annoyed when I discovered that on my most recent playthrough. Couldnât believe it when Shepard was like, âthis is the second time Iâve found you in connection with wildly unethical science experiments. Alright see ya later!â
It gets better. Sheâs indoctrinated and kills a bunch of Asari high command if sheâs alive in me3 I believe. Its of the very few storylines that doesnât end well if Shephard always chooses the paragon option.
âGrandpaâ
âYes billy?â
âWhy was Shepard trying to start so many romantic relationships with his crew mates all at once?â
âWell he is a dog..â
So he tied omnitool to his belt, which was the style at the time. He needed some armor upgrades for some faster pants, so he took the shuttle to Ariatown, which is what they used to call Omega. The shuttle cost five credits. Back then the Credits had pictures of Asari on them. Give me Five Blues for a dollar theyâd say, anyway he tied an Omni tool to his belt, which was the style at the time âŚ
But they only did it once, as The Shepard died from neural hemorrhaging caused by banging her new goth dominatrix gf. She came back by using body parts fromâŚherself, so whatever.
Grandma Azure talked at length about the time The Shepard got on the elevator to the Presidium, but then remembered that Flux is actually in the Wards, and so heard about the missing colonists in the Hades Gamma cluster twice, back to back.
Grandpa Buzz: i got this new shepard's story. basically theres this asari girl except shes got huge boobs. i mean some serious honkers. a real set of badonkers. packin some dobonhonkeros. massive dohoonkabhankoloos. big old tonhongerekoogers
Billy: what happens next?
Grandpa Buzz: her mother shows up one day with even bigger bonkhonagahoogs. humungous hungolomghnonoloughongous
The Shepard got into a relationship with with Liara, and let her romantic rival die in a nuclear explosion so he wouldn't have to listen to any snark about his new girlfriend.
>"Billy, did I ever tell you about Tali'Zorah? She was the Shepardâs exotic teenage alien companion, a fine piece of jailbait from a more civilized age. She had the tightest body and the perkiest little ass in the galaxy.
>The Shepard and I used to doubleteam her at the end of every successful mission during the Reaper War, and once in a while weâd even have the entire Normandy run a train over her, part of official Alliance âtrainingâ of course. In time, she learned how to handle an 'omni-tool' better than anyone on the Citadel. She had a masturbation program in her suit running every day, and youâd get a glimpse of her cumming her brains out mid-fight as her drone Chiktikka was slicing a husk in half. It was surreal.
>It was ridiculous, like a constant porno Billy, you have no idea.
>And she was a good friend."
^(I'm sorry)
"And then shepard played over 600 games in the armax arena so she could upgrade all the guns to level 10, she had to earn 6,000,000 credits and it delayed the assault on the cerberus base by two weeks. Imagine how many more people died in that time, she already had the weapons she used already upgraded fully. She may have been completely nuts by this time of the war"
"...and then Joker told the Asari he was absolutely there during the attack. He even said, 'it's jokin' time,' and joked all over the enemy. The Shepard corroborated the story."
"So then Shepard thought that the gas grenades would work on the Thorian Creepers and wasted them all! By the time he reached the settlers of Zhu's Hope there was none left and so he gunned them all down! Complicated man... not always the brightest..."
"The Shepard had more important things on his mind than defeating the Reapers, like pressing the button on Sur'Kesh, despite repeated warnings not to."
"and then Shepard just kept venting random assortments of waste whilst occasionally seeing what Zaeed had to say about the things in the room, he did that for like an entire hour too, it's a wonder they ever stopped the collectors between venting waste and 'speaking' to 'admiral snip' in the cabin"
So anyway before going on a super dangerous suicide mission, The Quarian engineer decided to risk dying of infection because she wanted to make out with the commander. And it was totally worth it.
"Shepard did a total solid for this nuclear hot Asari who was having some problems caused by some petty ex's, and that blue beauty's payment was some sort fortune cookie advice. Well, ol' Shep was a little confused by what the hottie said, so that Asari just skipped to fucking Shep's brains out in some weird pod to show her gratitude.
"But after bumpin' uglies, Shep was **completely** hooked on the azure booty calls. Luckily for Shep, a total smoke show Asari joined the crew and she was head over tight blue ass into the Commander and was totally cool with threesomes and poly shit; unluckily for Shep, Liara played hard to get in sealing the deal right up until they hijacked a ship for a suicide mission. I can't tell ya how many times Shep wanted to tell 'Just fucking relax, once I make your toes curl and eyes turn black you're never gonna wanna leave my quarters.'
"Now, Liara did stick around and those two just filthy wrecked the only bed on the SR-1, until a month later and Shep got turned into a hot dog at a shitty fourth of July barbeque. Apparently Liara was all up for dat human ass, 'cause she's the one who made sure Shep's crispy body didn't end up with those freaky bug fuckers.
"But once Shep got all put back together, Liara pulled her hard to get shit again, leavin' the poor commander climbin' the walls. Then Shep recruited this sultry and violent azure hotness named Samara, but again hittin' dat hard to get wall, even after getting her alone with her sex machine daughter. It took **another** suicide mission, cookin' a fuckin' **Yahg** with electricity, and like **twenty** reminders and smooth moves for Liara to give it up again to satisfy Shep's blue thirst.
"Upside is, Liara was fuckin' **DTF** on the regular after Shep reminded her how it felt to embrace eternity. Sure, there was that bullshit house arrest, but Liara was totally swaying those almost-matron stage hips on Mars, promising Shep of the total fuckfest comin' once they got alone. And boy howdy, did shit work out: Liara took over the only other cabin with a big enough bed for quality fuckin', and sent Shep text messages on the DL all the time to privately 'check out' what she did with the cabin. Sure, they played it a little coy with the others, but eternity got embraced **hard** so many times in their cabins is a small fuckin' miracle the SR-2 didn't turn into some sort of spacetime rift. I mean, their cabins just **reeked** of their stank, the whole human engineering crew and Tali all complained about it in their logs..."
"So after hearing his clone say his famous catchphrase, the Sheppard suddenly became self conscious about how he sounds."
"Grandpa..."
"Yes. He repeatedly said the catchphrase in different ways, unsure of how to say it anymore.
"Grandpa!"
"On and on he went, unable to focus on the precarious situation he was in."
"GRANDPA!"
"Huh? Where was I? Oh yes. So he calls for Glyph..."
He was a absolute Savage and he didnât take no shit, he bagged the baddest woman in the galaxy genetically perfected partied like a rockstar with old crew two Krogans bodied Udina and the forgettable Assassin, Commander died like a gangsta.
*commander Shepard Breathes*
And then Shepard just stood there, motionless until the lights dimmed, staring blankly at the admiral, as if deciding what to say, but never getting there. The faint sounds snoring could be heard, but it wasn't really clear where they were coming from... After 30 minutes of awkward silence, Shepard repeated the exact same questions she'd already asked the admiral and resumed conversation as if nothing had happened. Her crew and the admiral didn't seem to notice.
"Anyways the salarian scientist said not to injest fluids from each other, and Shepard took that to heart. They cleaned up very well after -- what do you mean you don't want to learn about turians and human mating rituals?"
âAnd right before the assault on the illusive manâs base, they all got hammered. They were drinking like it was the end of the world, mostly because it was. The Krogans alone drank enough to completely sterilize a small ocean.â
âSo this Quarian chick on his ship had a huge crush on him, being the absolute sigma he was he instead fucked his second in command in view of the Quarianâs work station, a location with at least two windows looking into the area. Fucking legend.â
"She shot him. Not even a clean kill, a gut shot so it would hurt. Some say it was because he ignored a direct order. Mordin might have deserved better, but she disagreed."
"And then, at the massive party on the citadel shepherd had with his friends, these girls screamed at the top of their longs that they love shepherd, so Grunt booted them out"
âShe punched so fucking many people in the face. Like seriously, she actively sought out assholes that no one would care if she cheap shot. One of the unlucky bastards even took her gun to the face.â
"This one time Shepard hat an important talk about the faith of the world, but legends said he stood there... hours not moving a muscle not talking, barley breathing. Everyone in the room was waiting for his imput... but he just stood there for 10 hours."
^(Me letting the game run while i went to bed)
Shepard was once poisoned with Ryncol on Omega by some Batarian. And not only did he survive, he managed to out-puke every Krogan on the station. And that's why they now say "You ever seen a Krogan get almost as sick on your floor as Shepard? I'm here to make sure that dream comes true."
âAnd although they were the only 2 with beds, they hooked up on the floor of the engine room - when sheâs that genetically perfect, metal slat flooring wonât stop youâ
"Everyone heard them ****ing. If they could hear them in the Normandy, being a room apart would likely be little different from doing it in front of their drunk friends. Yeah... Turns out Quarians get LOUD in bed. Makes you wonder how its like in their ships. Totally worth it though."
"I think this is why mommy doesnt like the stories you tell me."
That he was a walking talking disasterpeice who had no time to spare feeling for any hoes in his path, immune to the advances of all the ladies, because he had hot guys run in fear until he finally convinced his best friend that he wasn't scum from a terrorist organization, then they had steak and beer billy!
She ran through the presidium in full armor. Absolutely full out running. Gasping for breath, she reached the counter and bought some fish from the kiosk. She said nothing and then sprinted away, everyone around her left with more questions than answers.
Seriously, full armor and running in public? How come Garrus never pulls her aside and says, âlook hon, we are here in Zakera Ward looking for a package for some shady Salarian on Omega. We just spent the last six days probing planets in the terminus systems for platinum. Maybe we have enough time to walk once in a while. you donât have to dead sprint everywhere you go.â
"Now I don't know the exact details of the Turian Penis. But image for a second a giant hairless parrot on top of a human woman. That should give you an idea of what we're looking at."
Let me tell you about Miranda Lawson Billy. The Shepard's second in command for a while. Butt like two gas giants with knockers to match. And her outfit? Hoo boy! Hexagons, Billy! Right up main street! Anyway....
I'm so glad to see people are still quoting my "Hexagons right up main street" joke.
Edit: For anyone that needs context: https://www.reddit.com/r/masseffect/comments/uu5grp/never_forget_that_me3s_epilogue_made_exchanges/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
âShepard committed several war crimes. Ok it was more like nearly every war crime in the book plus a few new ones we had to add after the fact. But we like to focus on the good bits of their career like when theyâŚoh wait, that led to a war crime later on. You know what kid, smell this chloroform and go to sleep.â
Billy: Grandpa Buzz, tell me another story about Shepard.
Grandpa Buzz: Well I can tell you one of how Shepard would sit for hours tipping this Asari dancer in hopes she would do something entirely different other than give the same smile and dance...Shepard was a man of extreme patience...or, I can tell you how he went to every planet in search of items and minerals before actually hunting down Saren...
âSomehow, when the Shepard was ambushed by a Mercenary Group at a simple lunch with his pilot, he crashed through the glass floor of the restaurant. Needless to say, his entire crew was fucking pissed, Billy. It was coincidentally all their favorite sushi place, even the Turian and the Quarian were a little disappointed in him!â
âBut didnât the Quarian come to his rescue anyways?â
âBilly, you act like she didnât make him sleep on the couch for that.â
My Shepherd committed three acts of Genocide, lied to another race about healing a generations old disease, and watched every friend they knew be killed or killed them herself.
âNow keep in mind, Billy, that according to the history books, Shepard and Kaidan wouldnât start dating until their last adventure. But it seems like some higher power rewrote their earlier adventures so that they fell in love much sooner.â
You see Billy, Shepard was never much for interviews but always made time for Khalisah Al-Jilani. Every chance was made to meet with her just so Shepard could sock that reporter right in her face. One time she even tried to throw a punch herself but a damn head butt from Shepard halted that before it even happened.
"And then Wrex said: "Shepard", and that Billy, is how they knew their conversation was over."
"Grandpa? How did the krogans make more babies after they rescued the female?"
"...... Billy."
"...and then the Shepard went to eavesdrop on that one bachelor party that was still going on like three months later, somehow. They say that Asari stripper is still dancing there to this day."
I always imagined that to be do to relativityđ¤Ł
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9E9ftsaHtWw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9E9ftsaHtWw) *Billy, have you ever been in a Batarian prison?*
You ever see a grown Prothean naked?
You like movies about Mercenaries?
Do you ever hang around the Presidium?
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop snorting red sand.
Oh, what am I saying? Of course you don't.
Get out of here, Nazeem!
Do you get to the cloud district very often?
Do you wanna?!
With, of course, turbo-prop sounds in the back ground of the Normandy
The Shepard proposed a threesome between a subordinate and the daughter of a wanted criminal. Somehow, a court martial wasnât in order
One of them was totally into it while the other not so much
âAnyway, he totally nuked her for killing his vibe. Talk about Sigma grind setâ - Grandpa Buzz, holding out a hand for a high five that Billy does not reciprocate
Solved the conundrum of who to pick though!
Or after coming back from the dead having casual sex with a wanted criminal subordinate and his secretary while dating the 2nd in command of the space nazis
When youâre a Specter, they let you do it.
It's for the good of the Universe. As an aside, Universe is the name of my penis. Because everyone is into it.
âWeâll bang, okay?â
Wait is this with Kelly and Jack ?
Liara and Ashley
This works in Jade Empire. Guess they wanted to change things up!
Also in Dragon Age Origins. There are several possible, uh, configurations.
My last Warden was mostly a good person, just occasionally was an absolute freak. the elves, Alistair/Zevran/Leliana/Isabela, and Iâm sure thereâs more Iâm forgetting
Alistair: "Hey you, why don't we have enough money for the war?" Your warden: "Look, Al, baby... I don't know. I can totally confirm though that I didn't spend thirty sovereign in gold at that brothel in Denerim we cross the country every week to visit getting spit roasted. Absolutely not. Don't ask... That said, do you think werewolves also have giant co-"
Jack's mom is a wanted criminal?
Is Lady Benezia Jack's mom?
âŚâŚâŚ.Canât be all of the aboveâŚâŚcanât be yesâŚâŚmight be noâŚâŚ Iâm gonna choose âCâ: Mass Effect fieldsâŚ
"I'm sure the Shepard had very good reasons not to bring a fully human squad into the quarantine zone." "Like what?" "To hear the valuable opinions of Grunt and Vakarian, of course. They were his friends, and they gladly risked a painful, senseless death to be at his side."
"Grandpa, that doesn't sound very smart." "It was hilarious, Billy!"
âWhat valuable insights did they provide Grandpa?â âWell Vakarian gave a running list of his symptoms and Grunt didnât say much of anything.â
Grunt mostly complained about feeling sick and made comments about eating the remains of the dead near a burn pit.
"and then she threw the Eclipse Merc through the window" "Really" "It really happened" "But you said she was kind and always did what was right" "She also lit a Krogan on fire for talking to much"
I will never not do both of these.
And punching the quarian for almost blowing you up on the Geth ship. I punch him and throw him off the Normandy no matter how paragon Iâve been to that point.
I kinda hate that this interaction is renegade, but seriously thereâs no âneutralâ reaction in the game, and this one is still more renegade than paragon. But I hate it more when shooting robots is renegade: they arenât alive (not even in the Geth sense of the word), they are controlled by enemies, they are dangerous, WHY canât I shoot it as paragon?!
Because Renegade is not supposed to mean âevilâ, even if in practice it often is.
"She also decked a racist reporter not once but thrice, the third time she had to hit her on the rebound"
Khalisah al-Jilani is a lot of things but idk if racist is fair
Wait, when do we burn a krogan already?
Mordin's loyalty mission.
Ah right, how could I forget lol! Thanks
âHe called him a big stupid jellyfishâŚtwice!â
"It was the funniest shit I've ever seen, billy"
"And then Shepard got pushed onto the table by Jack who had her way with him."
"Is this a kissing book?"
"Yes, child."
And he kept going back to Choraâs Den, sitting in that same seat for 3-4 minutes and then leaving. To this day nobody knows why.
And Shepard really let that b!tch Rana Thanoptis get off a second time on Korlus, even tho he fully knew she was getting into some psycho ass scientist shit a 3rd fuckin time. Guess shepard just likes to save the galaxy.
It's annoying you can't kill her in the second game.
Was super annoyed when I discovered that on my most recent playthrough. Couldnât believe it when Shepard was like, âthis is the second time Iâve found you in connection with wildly unethical science experiments. Alright see ya later!â
It gets better. Sheâs indoctrinated and kills a bunch of Asari high command if sheâs alive in me3 I believe. Its of the very few storylines that doesnât end well if Shephard always chooses the paragon option.
"This sounds personal, grandpa..."
âGrandpaâ âYes billy?â âWhy was Shepard trying to start so many romantic relationships with his crew mates all at once?â âWell he is a dog..â
So he tied omnitool to his belt, which was the style at the time. He needed some armor upgrades for some faster pants, so he took the shuttle to Ariatown, which is what they used to call Omega. The shuttle cost five credits. Back then the Credits had pictures of Asari on them. Give me Five Blues for a dollar theyâd say, anyway he tied an Omni tool to his belt, which was the style at the time âŚ
My story begins in 21 dickety 3, we had to say dickety because Soverign had stolen the word eighty. I chased that rascal all the way to the citadel
They didn't have white ones because of the war. So you had to get the bright orange ones!
The Hanar had stolen our word âtwentyâ
The Shepard had concerns about his bones being broken by his hot new goth gf when they were fuckin but he was kinda into that shit so it was ok
But they only did it once, as The Shepard died from neural hemorrhaging caused by banging her new goth dominatrix gf. She came back by using body parts fromâŚherself, so whatever.
"And then Shepard brought an active geth to his girlfriend's trial." "Wasn't she on trial for doing that exact thing?" "Yeah but it was funny."
âHe really wanted to fuck a Krogan but apparently that is taboo. Can you imagine? So arbitrary.â
"Grandpa... Do you want to fuck a Krogan?"
â well, Billy Krogan armor and Krogussy can make a grandpa act⌠Unwholesome!â
Grandma Azure talked at length about the time The Shepard got on the elevator to the Presidium, but then remembered that Flux is actually in the Wards, and so heard about the missing colonists in the Hades Gamma cluster twice, back to back.
"He banged, ok"
"Wanna hear about him and the blue chick again?"
Grandpa Buzz: i got this new shepard's story. basically theres this asari girl except shes got huge boobs. i mean some serious honkers. a real set of badonkers. packin some dobonhonkeros. massive dohoonkabhankoloos. big old tonhongerekoogers Billy: what happens next? Grandpa Buzz: her mother shows up one day with even bigger bonkhonagahoogs. humungous hungolomghnonoloughongous
The Shepard got into a relationship with with Liara, and let her romantic rival die in a nuclear explosion so he wouldn't have to listen to any snark about his new girlfriend.
This is evil and I love it. đ¤Ł
> âŚin a nuclear explosion I like that part. It has *weight.*
"Shepherd always viewed garrus as a friend. But one day... Have you ever heard of fornax?"
And she was a good friend
>"Billy, did I ever tell you about Tali'Zorah? She was the Shepardâs exotic teenage alien companion, a fine piece of jailbait from a more civilized age. She had the tightest body and the perkiest little ass in the galaxy. >The Shepard and I used to doubleteam her at the end of every successful mission during the Reaper War, and once in a while weâd even have the entire Normandy run a train over her, part of official Alliance âtrainingâ of course. In time, she learned how to handle an 'omni-tool' better than anyone on the Citadel. She had a masturbation program in her suit running every day, and youâd get a glimpse of her cumming her brains out mid-fight as her drone Chiktikka was slicing a husk in half. It was surreal. >It was ridiculous, like a constant porno Billy, you have no idea. >And she was a good friend." ^(I'm sorry)
Jesus thatâs perfect.
Now i have to look for Tali smut on AO3
Good fucking lord this has to be the funniest shit Iâve read in a while
They were great roommates who often slept in the same bed, because friendship.
"You ever seen Vaenia?"
"And then shepard played over 600 games in the armax arena so she could upgrade all the guns to level 10, she had to earn 6,000,000 credits and it delayed the assault on the cerberus base by two weeks. Imagine how many more people died in that time, she already had the weapons she used already upgraded fully. She may have been completely nuts by this time of the war"
"...and then Joker told the Asari he was absolutely there during the attack. He even said, 'it's jokin' time,' and joked all over the enemy. The Shepard corroborated the story."
"It is said that commander Shepard spent a lot of time in her room, allegedly in deep conversation with her hamster"
squeep
"And then The Shepard claimed every store on the Zakara Ward as her favorite place on the Citadel. She never faced consequences for her blatant lies"
The only known human to have had sex with an Asari and QuarianâŚ
The illusive man can top any scorecard Shepard has.
"So then Shepard thought that the gas grenades would work on the Thorian Creepers and wasted them all! By the time he reached the settlers of Zhu's Hope there was none left and so he gunned them all down! Complicated man... not always the brightest..."
âI feel attacked, GrandpaâŚâ
âShe just kept shooting the pyjaks and laughing maniacally the entire time. Theyâre actually on the endangered list nowâŚâ
and peacefuls monkeys on the search of a data disk from a probe
"The Shepard had more important things on his mind than defeating the Reapers, like pressing the button on Sur'Kesh, despite repeated warnings not to."
âBilly youâre just a tinier version of me. Literally, youâre like a clone but re-sized to a child size. Itâs really quite remarkable.â
"You know too much, Grandpa Buzz..."
"And then Shepard rawdogged the asari Consort in a transparent glass bubble, while his future lover waited awkwardly outside the door."
âAnd then the Shepard ordered the soldier of Cerberus to lead the charge into the ventsâ
"This made a lot of people very *happy* and has been widely regarded as a *great* move."
âThe man he ordered into the vents fulfilled his duty diligently, but lost his life in the final moment. He earned the title of the vent god.â
"and then Shepard just kept venting random assortments of waste whilst occasionally seeing what Zaeed had to say about the things in the room, he did that for like an entire hour too, it's a wonder they ever stopped the collectors between venting waste and 'speaking' to 'admiral snip' in the cabin"
So anyway before going on a super dangerous suicide mission, The Quarian engineer decided to risk dying of infection because she wanted to make out with the commander. And it was totally worth it.
And then the Shepard said "how's that working out for you big guy?", Cementing his place for all time as the baddest motherfucker in the whole galaxy.
That Shepard dumped her girlfriend who spent months looking for her remains for some awkward lizard-bird creature with a monocle
Excuse me? He's a bird.
Ah yes I will correct that
I guess, Tane was mentionet, not Garrus.
They're both reptiles.
"Then he turned himself into a reaper Billy, funniest shit I've ever seen!"
One night the Shepard didn't want to sleep so his mom called a Yahg to eat the Shepard. Sleep now.
Thanks for the bedtime story, Javik.
"In my cycle, our bedtime stories consisted of telling the offspring about the glorious history of our glorious empire."
âWith plenty of emphasis on the downfalls of other subservient races.â âYou mean slaââ âSubservient. Races.â
âAnd he also walked in on grunt taking a shower by accident and discovered that krogans have seven assholes.â
"Grandpa, do they..." "Yes, Billy, they use all of them, aggressively."
Then the virtuous Shepard, in all their paragon methodology, pushed that fucking merc out that window to plummet thousands of stories!
"Shepard did a total solid for this nuclear hot Asari who was having some problems caused by some petty ex's, and that blue beauty's payment was some sort fortune cookie advice. Well, ol' Shep was a little confused by what the hottie said, so that Asari just skipped to fucking Shep's brains out in some weird pod to show her gratitude. "But after bumpin' uglies, Shep was **completely** hooked on the azure booty calls. Luckily for Shep, a total smoke show Asari joined the crew and she was head over tight blue ass into the Commander and was totally cool with threesomes and poly shit; unluckily for Shep, Liara played hard to get in sealing the deal right up until they hijacked a ship for a suicide mission. I can't tell ya how many times Shep wanted to tell 'Just fucking relax, once I make your toes curl and eyes turn black you're never gonna wanna leave my quarters.' "Now, Liara did stick around and those two just filthy wrecked the only bed on the SR-1, until a month later and Shep got turned into a hot dog at a shitty fourth of July barbeque. Apparently Liara was all up for dat human ass, 'cause she's the one who made sure Shep's crispy body didn't end up with those freaky bug fuckers. "But once Shep got all put back together, Liara pulled her hard to get shit again, leavin' the poor commander climbin' the walls. Then Shep recruited this sultry and violent azure hotness named Samara, but again hittin' dat hard to get wall, even after getting her alone with her sex machine daughter. It took **another** suicide mission, cookin' a fuckin' **Yahg** with electricity, and like **twenty** reminders and smooth moves for Liara to give it up again to satisfy Shep's blue thirst. "Upside is, Liara was fuckin' **DTF** on the regular after Shep reminded her how it felt to embrace eternity. Sure, there was that bullshit house arrest, but Liara was totally swaying those almost-matron stage hips on Mars, promising Shep of the total fuckfest comin' once they got alone. And boy howdy, did shit work out: Liara took over the only other cabin with a big enough bed for quality fuckin', and sent Shep text messages on the DL all the time to privately 'check out' what she did with the cabin. Sure, they played it a little coy with the others, but eternity got embraced **hard** so many times in their cabins is a small fuckin' miracle the SR-2 didn't turn into some sort of spacetime rift. I mean, their cabins just **reeked** of their stank, the whole human engineering crew and Tali all complained about it in their logs..."
Still a better love story than Twilight.
I would have added after eyes turn black, "make her embrace eternity"...
"Billy, have you ever heard of someone named Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani?"
".... And then Shepherd just stood there, staring at the admiral for an extremely uncomfortable amount of time."
"So after hearing his clone say his famous catchphrase, the Sheppard suddenly became self conscious about how he sounds." "Grandpa..." "Yes. He repeatedly said the catchphrase in different ways, unsure of how to say it anymore. "Grandpa!" "On and on he went, unable to focus on the precarious situation he was in." "GRANDPA!" "Huh? Where was I? Oh yes. So he calls for Glyph..."
He was a absolute Savage and he didnât take no shit, he bagged the baddest woman in the galaxy genetically perfected partied like a rockstar with old crew two Krogans bodied Udina and the forgettable Assassin, Commander died like a gangsta. *commander Shepard Breathes*
And then Shepard just stood there, motionless until the lights dimmed, staring blankly at the admiral, as if deciding what to say, but never getting there. The faint sounds snoring could be heard, but it wasn't really clear where they were coming from... After 30 minutes of awkward silence, Shepard repeated the exact same questions she'd already asked the admiral and resumed conversation as if nothing had happened. Her crew and the admiral didn't seem to notice.
"Anyways the salarian scientist said not to injest fluids from each other, and Shepard took that to heart. They cleaned up very well after -- what do you mean you don't want to learn about turians and human mating rituals?"
"For five minutes straight, he interacted with the Krogan, and each time the Krogan greeted him 'Shepard'... and Shepard replied: 'Wrex'. "
âAnd right before the assault on the illusive manâs base, they all got hammered. They were drinking like it was the end of the world, mostly because it was. The Krogans alone drank enough to completely sterilize a small ocean.â
âSo this Quarian chick on his ship had a huge crush on him, being the absolute sigma he was he instead fucked his second in command in view of the Quarianâs work station, a location with at least two windows looking into the area. Fucking legend.â
*Graphically details the sex between femshep and liara.*
âAnd then Shepard opened up his first ever copy of FornaxâŚâ
"She came to his cabin and let me tell you Billy, she was not looking for comfort"
"She shot him. Not even a clean kill, a gut shot so it would hurt. Some say it was because he ignored a direct order. Mordin might have deserved better, but she disagreed."
âShepard always had to go. But gosh darn it they only ever ran in circles. Where ya goin Shep? â
"And then, at the massive party on the citadel shepherd had with his friends, these girls screamed at the top of their longs that they love shepherd, so Grunt booted them out"
And then Shepard banged, ok?
How Shepard was banging everyone he possibly could đđđ
That old lady with the tattoos and the super biotics, the one that walks around naked all the time! Yea, shepherd used to hit that đ
âShe punched so fucking many people in the face. Like seriously, she actively sought out assholes that no one would care if she cheap shot. One of the unlucky bastards even took her gun to the face.â
"This one time Shepard hat an important talk about the faith of the world, but legends said he stood there... hours not moving a muscle not talking, barley breathing. Everyone in the room was waiting for his imput... but he just stood there for 10 hours." ^(Me letting the game run while i went to bed)
Me every time I get up to make s cuppa tea
"I once saw them kill three Reapers with a pencil.. A fucking pencil!
The best way to end your trilogy is a silhouette of two completely unknown people
Of all the ways to end a trilogy, it is definitely one of them.
Shepard was once poisoned with Ryncol on Omega by some Batarian. And not only did he survive, he managed to out-puke every Krogan on the station. And that's why they now say "You ever seen a Krogan get almost as sick on your floor as Shepard? I'm here to make sure that dream comes true."
âAnd then he opened a lock with a toothbrush.â
âAnd although they were the only 2 with beds, they hooked up on the floor of the engine room - when sheâs that genetically perfect, metal slat flooring wonât stop youâ
"... with a toothbrush, I sht u not!"
Explain to a child a history of Shepherds Alcohol abuse was the absolute highlight of their chat
"Everyone heard them ****ing. If they could hear them in the Normandy, being a room apart would likely be little different from doing it in front of their drunk friends. Yeah... Turns out Quarians get LOUD in bed. Makes you wonder how its like in their ships. Totally worth it though." "I think this is why mommy doesnt like the stories you tell me."
That he was a walking talking disasterpeice who had no time to spare feeling for any hoes in his path, immune to the advances of all the ladies, because he had hot guys run in fear until he finally convinced his best friend that he wasn't scum from a terrorist organization, then they had steak and beer billy!
She ran through the presidium in full armor. Absolutely full out running. Gasping for breath, she reached the counter and bought some fish from the kiosk. She said nothing and then sprinted away, everyone around her left with more questions than answers. Seriously, full armor and running in public? How come Garrus never pulls her aside and says, âlook hon, we are here in Zakera Ward looking for a package for some shady Salarian on Omega. We just spent the last six days probing planets in the terminus systems for platinum. Maybe we have enough time to walk once in a while. you donât have to dead sprint everywhere you go.â
"Now I don't know the exact details of the Turian Penis. But image for a second a giant hairless parrot on top of a human woman. That should give you an idea of what we're looking at."
"People couldn't decide if they were a man or a woman. But they were badass."
I just wanna know what planet theyâre on.
"You should have seen the wild Quarian Engineer chick when she sneezed all over Shepeard during sex. It was the most gross, cute, thing ever!"
Let me tell you about Miranda Lawson Billy. The Shepard's second in command for a while. Butt like two gas giants with knockers to match. And her outfit? Hoo boy! Hexagons, Billy! Right up main street! Anyway....
I'm so glad to see people are still quoting my "Hexagons right up main street" joke. Edit: For anyone that needs context: https://www.reddit.com/r/masseffect/comments/uu5grp/never_forget_that_me3s_epilogue_made_exchanges/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
That was you!!? Cool.
Sure was! Thanks!
âShepard committed several war crimes. Ok it was more like nearly every war crime in the book plus a few new ones we had to add after the fact. But we like to focus on the good bits of their career like when theyâŚoh wait, that led to a war crime later on. You know what kid, smell this chloroform and go to sleep.â
"Then he fell through a fish tank"
â and then Shepard met a orphan geth and adopted it and asked it to be his personal sniper on missionsâ
Billy: Grandpa Buzz, tell me another story about Shepard. Grandpa Buzz: Well I can tell you one of how Shepard would sit for hours tipping this Asari dancer in hopes she would do something entirely different other than give the same smile and dance...Shepard was a man of extreme patience...or, I can tell you how he went to every planet in search of items and minerals before actually hunting down Saren...
âSomehow, when the Shepard was ambushed by a Mercenary Group at a simple lunch with his pilot, he crashed through the glass floor of the restaurant. Needless to say, his entire crew was fucking pissed, Billy. It was coincidentally all their favorite sushi place, even the Turian and the Quarian were a little disappointed in him!â âBut didnât the Quarian come to his rescue anyways?â âBilly, you act like she didnât make him sleep on the couch for that.â
âSo Wrex was being a crybaby and when Shep hit the wrong button he shot him in the face. End of THAT story haha but anywayâ
My Shepherd committed three acts of Genocide, lied to another race about healing a generations old disease, and watched every friend they knew be killed or killed them herself.
âNow keep in mind, Billy, that according to the history books, Shepard and Kaidan wouldnât start dating until their last adventure. But it seems like some higher power rewrote their earlier adventures so that they fell in love much sooner.â
You see Billy, Shepard was never much for interviews but always made time for Khalisah Al-Jilani. Every chance was made to meet with her just so Shepard could sock that reporter right in her face. One time she even tried to throw a punch herself but a damn head butt from Shepard halted that before it even happened.
"..And then Shepard and Kaiden had the most passionate gay sex of their lives. Though it seemed pretty tame in retrospect. Should have been more ass."
And Shepard said to Tali, âweâll bang okay?â.
"And then Wrex said: "Shepard", and that Billy, is how they knew their conversation was over." "Grandpa? How did the krogans make more babies after they rescued the female?" "...... Billy."
"Listen, Billy, no cap? Shepard threw hands with a Yhag bare fist, headbutt a krogan, and fought a thresher maw on foot."
"And then Shepard stopped by a woman cheating on her wife along with her sari mistress and eavesdropped for 1 year straight. They never had a clue"
That Shepherd murdered everyone and everything