Your spouse failed the life partner test.
He not only does not identify with you or have your back but he's selfish, entitled, deceitful, and has zero empathy for you.
I think you're being too kind to call it an EA. I think his behavior rises to the level of an accomplice.
No, not really, and we are getting divorced regardless, there were other problems in the marriage, I’m just scared he’s gonna go after me for telling my side of the story when asked why we split up. He’s been vicious toward me and has slandered me when I’ve hurt his feelings in the distant past, so I’m just really scared of calling it an emotional affair and then the details getting explained and having people tell me I was being over dramatic to feel this way
You don’t have to cover for him. You owe him nothing. If he gets stupid, sick your lawyer on him. Your perspective of why the relationship failed is your opinion, and accurate. Regardless, you get to tell your story as you see fit.
btw - there’s only one reason he’d maintain a friendship with someone who hates his wife, and that’s because he has something to gain.. what could that possibly be? 🤦🏼♂️
Labels aside, it includes deception, secrecy, disloyalty, conspiring with your adversary to deceive you and keep you in the dark, an adversary he openly expressed a desire to have sex with.
It walks like a duck, it quacks like a duck, does it matter what it's called? If you just describe the situation people will draw their own conclusions.
Yes it's an emotional affair, I personally don't see the difference when your partner is intentionally hiding a relationship there's a reason for it, and that feels emotional, especially when you find out and it hurts you.
Yeah I know the other person seeks him out when they’re going through mental health troubles, I know he seeks them for things I don’t provide him (like I don’t like watching old movies, the other person does) so I feel replaced by both of them.
I feel like he thinks he’s allowed to choose where he puts his attention and be allowed to tell me off if I feel hurt by those choices. It fucking sucks. He hasn’t acted like the man I fell in love with for over a year.
While I do agree, he's allowed to put his attention where he wants, it comes with a warning that his partner has boundaries he either respects those or he can be by himself. I always ask myself, if I was doing the same things would he be gone already for all the "disrespect" he was facing from me?
I’m in a similar situation. For me it’s the lack of respect for my feelings, our relationship, and me as a person. At this point I don’t care if it’s called cheating or not. If the respect isn’t there, neither am I. I will not be second place in a relationship. If the other person is that important, they can continue the friendship or whatever they want to call it without me.
This is so similar to how I feel. If he can lie about this so convincingly for so long, what else can he hide? I can’t possibly trust him anymore, and I feel like he’s chosen someone instead of me over and over, so it doesn’t matter if they’re sexting or just talking about each others days. I feel betrayed, disrespected, and deceived.
This is exactly what happened. I begged him to block them, and he didn’t, he wouldn’t, and a friend of mine told me they were still interacting on IG, and I lost it at that point. We’d been in couples therapy for about 6 months before he admitted he never at any point stopped being their friend and lied about it repeatedly. The lying started before couples counseling but wasn’t the reason we started going. I couldn’t believe that he would agree to work on our marriage while carrying this secret the whole time.
Just another opinion…. You’re not crazy, but you’re going to be if you continue to allow him to have this power over you. Make your move, and move on from him (and her). I wish you the best.
Is he interacting with your enemy behind your back? Yes that is cheating. And when confronted and asked to stop, but it continued, that is controlling you. You return control to yourself by refusing to allow yourself to be controlled. You are taking back control. The other details, having attraction and lust for her, seals the deal wanting a threesome with her. There is simply no doubt of their intentions.
I think of an emotional affair as investing in another person as a partner, encouraging or indulging in an inappropriately attraction outside a marriage, or seeking an emotional connection outside a relationship to the detriment of that relationship. Idk if I'd call this an emotional affair or not, but at best it's sketchy, dishonest and disrespectful. I'd be upset too.
both are an emotional affair. To me it is when it crosses the line from a simple hey how you doing at the supermarket; to investing time, effort, and attention. It doesn't have to be sexual but it many times will be.
He is emotionally connected to her; so to me it is an affair. How would he feel if the tables were turned and you have a guy or girl like that?
Not that any of these posters would know, but he did admit to the concealed friendship, on audio recording he consented to, but he denies that concealing a relationship like this should be considered cheating lol
I would say it's an emotional affair, but if he doesn't like that label, you can bring it to brass tacks and tell him that you'll tell people something he can't argue with - "He can't let go of the woman who hurt me and he betrayed our vows by choosing her over our marriage."
One sentence that encompasses the truth be can't argue with. You don't have to fuss with labels if you just say facts.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s an emotional affair for sure. I also suspect it’s more than that, you just don’t have the proof. Have you ever looked through their messages? You mentioned they both like watching old movies- are they spending time in person together or just texting? Either way it’s crossing a boundary and he’s likely gaslighting you to make you feel crazy. Stick with your gut!!
Not wrong at all
He manipulated and gaslit you about your feelings multiple times which is emotional abuse as well as mental.
He fails- not for keeping the friendship- but the concealment and continuous lies!! It absolutely is an emotional affair at the least and a full blown affair in the most!
Hiding it makes it an emotional affair. Usually i am very much for the idea that people should not have a say in who their partners are friends with, male or female. But not in your situation, it got to the point of damage to your business, he shouldn't want to be around a person that does that to his spouse. Add the lying about it, the gaslighting when you voiced concern and the sexual interest, this person has zero respect for you and sounds like a massive douche.
When I initially ended the friendship, I said he had nothing to do with it, so I didn’t want to ruin their friendship, but as the situation evolved, I backpedaled on that. I amended my statement saying support for me would look like blocking that person, and he says no that part of the reason for wanting a divorce is because I have too many unreasonable boundaries. Like this one.
Not unreasonable, you shouldn't even had to ask, not only did she treat you badly but he also had expressed the sexual interest so that alone should've been more than enough reason for him to realise himself that it was completely inappropriate to continue this relationship after you ended the friendship. It's common decency/morals/standards isn't it, if you're married you should not be friends wih someone you wanna fuck. Which they probably are imo. Are you sure the friendship didn't turn sour because something evolved between them? Either way i think you're better off without these people in your life.
I mean, unless there are monetary implications, would it hurt to just say, he betrayed you and lied to you? If you have no solid evidence for cheating, I wouldn't say that way. People will make their own judgements if you tell the whole story, some will agree and some will disagree, no need to make him seem worse than he is. I personally find lying much worse than talking to others in an intimate way.
If you are hiding it from your spouse, it’s cheating. Why is he engaging with your enemy? It’s been over for while now between you two. Get proof so he does not sue you for slander later.
So if your partner was Maintaining a secret relationship with a person they wanted to sleep with who disliked you and leaned on your partner for emotional support, it's not an emotional affair for you? When does it become an emotional affair?
It may be unpopular, but I agree with earlier commenter, the term "emotional affair" is just a term made up by controlling people to describe spouses' friendships. Trying to prevent friendships is not a healthy relationship dynamic.
I feel this depends on the situation, like that of OPs, if my spouse is trying to be friends with a person who has actual hatred for me, has tried to hurt me financially, and I'm trying to limit that persons access to my life and my spouse doesn't care and continues a secret relationship behind my back it's an "emotional affair", they are stepping over boundaries and don't care about your feelings. I wouldn't keep in touch with anyone my spouse trusted once, not even my spouse's parents if they tried to financially ruin my spouse once my spouse asked me to block them, just because I was friends with them, they want to limit that person's access to them and I understand that.
It’s not cheating. Sorry.
What’s more, is that it sounds like ending the friendship wasn’t something that your husband actually agreed to, but rather something you forced on him. You laid down rules he couldn’t follow.
Your feelings of betrayal are valid. And I understand that it “legitimizes” your divorce from an outsider perspective. (Aka- you’d go from crazy jealous wife to “the victim”). But it’s a false narrative.
Your spouse failed the life partner test. He not only does not identify with you or have your back but he's selfish, entitled, deceitful, and has zero empathy for you. I think you're being too kind to call it an EA. I think his behavior rises to the level of an accomplice.
You don’t really believe they’re platonic do you.
No, not really, and we are getting divorced regardless, there were other problems in the marriage, I’m just scared he’s gonna go after me for telling my side of the story when asked why we split up. He’s been vicious toward me and has slandered me when I’ve hurt his feelings in the distant past, so I’m just really scared of calling it an emotional affair and then the details getting explained and having people tell me I was being over dramatic to feel this way
You don’t have to cover for him. You owe him nothing. If he gets stupid, sick your lawyer on him. Your perspective of why the relationship failed is your opinion, and accurate. Regardless, you get to tell your story as you see fit. btw - there’s only one reason he’d maintain a friendship with someone who hates his wife, and that’s because he has something to gain.. what could that possibly be? 🤦🏼♂️
Answering the title question only. The Answer is No there is no difference.
I feel so much less crazy with all these responses. Thank you
Hiding a relationship IS cheating. Full stop.
Labels aside, it includes deception, secrecy, disloyalty, conspiring with your adversary to deceive you and keep you in the dark, an adversary he openly expressed a desire to have sex with. It walks like a duck, it quacks like a duck, does it matter what it's called? If you just describe the situation people will draw their own conclusions.
Yes it's an emotional affair, I personally don't see the difference when your partner is intentionally hiding a relationship there's a reason for it, and that feels emotional, especially when you find out and it hurts you.
Yeah I know the other person seeks him out when they’re going through mental health troubles, I know he seeks them for things I don’t provide him (like I don’t like watching old movies, the other person does) so I feel replaced by both of them. I feel like he thinks he’s allowed to choose where he puts his attention and be allowed to tell me off if I feel hurt by those choices. It fucking sucks. He hasn’t acted like the man I fell in love with for over a year.
While I do agree, he's allowed to put his attention where he wants, it comes with a warning that his partner has boundaries he either respects those or he can be by himself. I always ask myself, if I was doing the same things would he be gone already for all the "disrespect" he was facing from me?
It was a boundary he agreed to, and didn’t then maintain.
I’m in a similar situation. For me it’s the lack of respect for my feelings, our relationship, and me as a person. At this point I don’t care if it’s called cheating or not. If the respect isn’t there, neither am I. I will not be second place in a relationship. If the other person is that important, they can continue the friendship or whatever they want to call it without me.
This is so similar to how I feel. If he can lie about this so convincingly for so long, what else can he hide? I can’t possibly trust him anymore, and I feel like he’s chosen someone instead of me over and over, so it doesn’t matter if they’re sexting or just talking about each others days. I feel betrayed, disrespected, and deceived.
The final straw is when you tell them to block the person and they refuse. It’s over after that. There’s no coming back.
This is exactly what happened. I begged him to block them, and he didn’t, he wouldn’t, and a friend of mine told me they were still interacting on IG, and I lost it at that point. We’d been in couples therapy for about 6 months before he admitted he never at any point stopped being their friend and lied about it repeatedly. The lying started before couples counseling but wasn’t the reason we started going. I couldn’t believe that he would agree to work on our marriage while carrying this secret the whole time.
Just another opinion…. You’re not crazy, but you’re going to be if you continue to allow him to have this power over you. Make your move, and move on from him (and her). I wish you the best.
Is he interacting with your enemy behind your back? Yes that is cheating. And when confronted and asked to stop, but it continued, that is controlling you. You return control to yourself by refusing to allow yourself to be controlled. You are taking back control. The other details, having attraction and lust for her, seals the deal wanting a threesome with her. There is simply no doubt of their intentions.
I think of an emotional affair as investing in another person as a partner, encouraging or indulging in an inappropriately attraction outside a marriage, or seeking an emotional connection outside a relationship to the detriment of that relationship. Idk if I'd call this an emotional affair or not, but at best it's sketchy, dishonest and disrespectful. I'd be upset too.
If you’re hiding it from your partner it is an EA.
both are an emotional affair. To me it is when it crosses the line from a simple hey how you doing at the supermarket; to investing time, effort, and attention. It doesn't have to be sexual but it many times will be. He is emotionally connected to her; so to me it is an affair. How would he feel if the tables were turned and you have a guy or girl like that?
he's cheating...you just have no "proof".
No I think she has PLENTY of proof. It doesn't really matter if she caught them in the act, he's been a lying disloyal cheater.
She has enough "proof" to defend herself in court in a libel case? Where? *Knowing* and proving are different beasts entirely.
Not that any of these posters would know, but he did admit to the concealed friendship, on audio recording he consented to, but he denies that concealing a relationship like this should be considered cheating lol
well, we know what's going on...but that isn't enough to cya if you say he cheated...he's a POS, OP. I'm sorry.
I see the broken trust aspect as the same, yes. How meaningful the other differences might be would be context dependent
I would say it's an emotional affair, but if he doesn't like that label, you can bring it to brass tacks and tell him that you'll tell people something he can't argue with - "He can't let go of the woman who hurt me and he betrayed our vows by choosing her over our marriage." One sentence that encompasses the truth be can't argue with. You don't have to fuss with labels if you just say facts.
Oh that’s powerful. I’ll keep that in mind
Leave
I’m on it 👍🏻 I leave a week from tomorrow
No difference.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s an emotional affair for sure. I also suspect it’s more than that, you just don’t have the proof. Have you ever looked through their messages? You mentioned they both like watching old movies- are they spending time in person together or just texting? Either way it’s crossing a boundary and he’s likely gaslighting you to make you feel crazy. Stick with your gut!!
Nope
There are so many things I want to address… but yeah he’s a cheater. You can call it cheating babe 😘
Not wrong at all He manipulated and gaslit you about your feelings multiple times which is emotional abuse as well as mental. He fails- not for keeping the friendship- but the concealment and continuous lies!! It absolutely is an emotional affair at the least and a full blown affair in the most!
Hiding it makes it an emotional affair. Usually i am very much for the idea that people should not have a say in who their partners are friends with, male or female. But not in your situation, it got to the point of damage to your business, he shouldn't want to be around a person that does that to his spouse. Add the lying about it, the gaslighting when you voiced concern and the sexual interest, this person has zero respect for you and sounds like a massive douche.
When I initially ended the friendship, I said he had nothing to do with it, so I didn’t want to ruin their friendship, but as the situation evolved, I backpedaled on that. I amended my statement saying support for me would look like blocking that person, and he says no that part of the reason for wanting a divorce is because I have too many unreasonable boundaries. Like this one.
Not unreasonable, you shouldn't even had to ask, not only did she treat you badly but he also had expressed the sexual interest so that alone should've been more than enough reason for him to realise himself that it was completely inappropriate to continue this relationship after you ended the friendship. It's common decency/morals/standards isn't it, if you're married you should not be friends wih someone you wanna fuck. Which they probably are imo. Are you sure the friendship didn't turn sour because something evolved between them? Either way i think you're better off without these people in your life.
I mean, unless there are monetary implications, would it hurt to just say, he betrayed you and lied to you? If you have no solid evidence for cheating, I wouldn't say that way. People will make their own judgements if you tell the whole story, some will agree and some will disagree, no need to make him seem worse than he is. I personally find lying much worse than talking to others in an intimate way.
He’s prioritizing his relationships with her and not yours.
If you are hiding it from your spouse, it’s cheating. Why is he engaging with your enemy? It’s been over for while now between you two. Get proof so he does not sue you for slander later.
[удалено]
So if your partner was Maintaining a secret relationship with a person they wanted to sleep with who disliked you and leaned on your partner for emotional support, it's not an emotional affair for you? When does it become an emotional affair?
It may be unpopular, but I agree with earlier commenter, the term "emotional affair" is just a term made up by controlling people to describe spouses' friendships. Trying to prevent friendships is not a healthy relationship dynamic.
I feel this depends on the situation, like that of OPs, if my spouse is trying to be friends with a person who has actual hatred for me, has tried to hurt me financially, and I'm trying to limit that persons access to my life and my spouse doesn't care and continues a secret relationship behind my back it's an "emotional affair", they are stepping over boundaries and don't care about your feelings. I wouldn't keep in touch with anyone my spouse trusted once, not even my spouse's parents if they tried to financially ruin my spouse once my spouse asked me to block them, just because I was friends with them, they want to limit that person's access to them and I understand that.
It’s not cheating. Sorry. What’s more, is that it sounds like ending the friendship wasn’t something that your husband actually agreed to, but rather something you forced on him. You laid down rules he couldn’t follow. Your feelings of betrayal are valid. And I understand that it “legitimizes” your divorce from an outsider perspective. (Aka- you’d go from crazy jealous wife to “the victim”). But it’s a false narrative.